Odd dream, late start, hard sleep, plans.

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I didn't get to bed until late, partly due to having to mess with the hoses and timers, part of it due to not being able to sleep.  Sometimes I can get to sleep, potentially, earlier than I do.  But if something drags me beyond that earlier potential, then I can't sleep until another opportunity is available.  Last night for sure, and maybe yesterday night.  I'll try to sleep a lot earlier, if I can.  On the good side, my windows of opportunity for sleep recycle much more quickly.  At least I haven't been dragged to 3:00, 4:00, or 5:00, just 1:00 last night, 2:00 the night before.

Sleep was hard.  Have you ever worked a day in your life where you know, without any reservations, exactly what work is?  I don't mean the ones that almost kill you, but the ones that use you up pretty good, and you feel like you earned your pay but still can feel good about it?  That is how I feel coming out of sleep.  I even have some aches and pains, though of a mechanical, physical, sort.  Perhaps the little bit of work I have been doing has been slightly more physical than I thought?  I hope so.  If not, I just live in an older body than what I thought.  Just a bit rough this morning, but physical pains of this sort are a pleasure.  They at least make me think I have done some work.  The only way to build up, or even try to stay somewhat fit, is to break the body down a bit from time to time.

I was speaking to someone in my dreams.  They were asking about my blog, and some of the things I write.  They wanted to know if I really thought I was special.  Initially I took their meaning as mundane, trivial, nominal.  I said, of course!  God loves us very much.  If He offers the grandeur of hue to the flower, feeds even birds, as He has suggested, how much more us?  And, as children believe in their parents, I believe in my heavenly Father.  Without reservation, doubt, or blemish, I believe.  Well, that wasn't quite it.  I was asked if I believe that I am more than just the typical person, or sheep of the flock, or trans-, sub-, super-human even, perhaps.  Maybe even the manifestation of War, one of the horsemen, or a sort of prophet. 

Ah, that.  And what I said in the dream is how I really feel about things.  There is some wonder.  No doubts about that.  Simply the number of times I should have, and actually have, died?  It is unreasonable not to be left with wonder.  I have died very hard.  I should have died harder.  That on top of living in a body that has no right to still be living, all on it's own.  I do see things.  I have visions.  Right, true, possibilities?  Some of the things have come to pass, some may be coming true as we speak, and I am pretty sure some things I have seen have no option but to happen.  If I think those things are more for me than for you, or everybody.  I simply don't know.  I doubt that I am truly special, I have no way of deciding if I am anything but human.  Any method possible would be beyond my ability and any who might see the patterns, if such exist, would not tell me the truth... for one reason or another. 

I write.  Stories, experiences, notions, visions, and dreams.  I combine them in a fashion that seems to square enough of the circle, as properly as possible to what conclusions may be gleaned, leaving off some things I don't think should be shared.  I write, sometimes, with the surety of intent, so as to flesh some thoughts and possibilities out.  I do use filler, to cover gaps of knowledge, certainty, possibility.  I didn't tease about wanting the Eucharist to... test some things.  I feared taking it, but had faith in it too.  I am... agnostic about being anything other than an ill, middle aged, slightly curious, sort of man.  But, and more importantly, I explained that, even should I be something like War, or a nephilim, or have some other bit to play?  That makes me no more important than anyone else.  Christ, the most important human, if a trans-human through divine nature, also merely submitted to His part.  How could I ever be more?  Having a part, and in a sense we all do, is not special.  Doesn't make us special.  It is just an opportunity that varies slightly from the roll we are all asked to play, that of a saint.  That is, pretty much, how the dream went.  A confused look on his face, probably mirrored by my own expression.  It's all I've got to offer.

Today?  Ah, urhm...  To the store, hopefully.  Then work on the benchtop.  No other plans.  And I will try to keep it light, beyond that.  I am tired.  I am sore.  But I am, with those givens, in good shape.  I would like to keep it that way.  Today and tomorrow need to be very light.  And I need to keep as cool as possible.  I am right on the edge of having pushed far too hard, even as little as I have done.  As I said, my ability, capacity, is a moving target.  It seems to be fairly low on the horizon, meaning I only get a few shots.  I've used those and then some.  Rest, with just a few chores thrown in.  Later.