Ups and downs.

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As soon as I think things are all on the up and up, I hit a snag.  Sometimes it seems like failure, even possibly death, are on the way.  Then everything clears at a seeming record pace.  Back and forth it goes.  For the most part, pain isn't keeping me down.  Exhaustion isn't quite it either.  Rather than being behind with energy, into negative territory, I simply don't have any.  There are three stages with energy levels.  Negative energy, also known as exhaustion.  It doesn't seem possible that someone could have negative energy.  Some think of the situation as if it was a gas tank, not a process.  While they are correct, a gas tank cannot have less than no gas, the whole system of feeding fuel to the engine, when viewing it systemically by looking at the engine dying and the tank being empty, with the fuel line and perhaps a reserve, and some slop in the system, the tank can be empty but the engine not be dead.  That, mechanically, is an explanation for exhaustion, perhaps.  Another example might be using, through some system, an improbable, for a human unhealthy, fuel system or source because living has gone beyond one's capacity regarding staying awake, taking care of needs, and such.  Coffee, for example.  Without it I will sleep twelve hours a day when doing well, three days a wake when doing poorly, and sleeping most of the time when I hit bottom.  I've tried it.

In any case, earlier today I hurt.  My energy was at about zero but I didn't hedge into exhaustion.  My ankles hurt to flex, even for walking.  My knees and wrists hurt in the same way.  My head felt as if it had been bruised, as did my wrist and calf muscles.  What that was about I simply don't know.  Dead in the water with minor pains.  Oh, and I had some internal pains, but it was organ pain.  I don't get gassy often, and pass gas even less often.  My system is used to going without food, so it doesn't waste processing to create gas, as a general rule.  I have been eating, daily and perhaps twice a day, lately.  That might be it, or what I was eating.  I wasn't sure until, well... proof is in the pudding.  It did turn out to be just what I thought is enough said.  Further, I have been needing a lot of sleep.  Napping, then waking for a bit, then sleeping, then up, then napping.  Most of the last two days have been spent sleeping.

I don't have a means of fighting back.  But the pain seems to have lifted, this evening.  I just don't know what is going on.  Medicines have been being taken, save insulin.  Though I think I will start that up before going to bed the next time I do so.  Intellectually, it feels like I am in the drying machine, but on fluff, with lots of soft stuff in there.  I just can't seem, mostly, to find a landing spot or coordinate my life.  Mostly painlessly, and the pains, other than over the weekend, have been mild to non-existent.  The aches from earlier were a short term, and rather mild form, of body hurt.  Ugh.

I have much that I want to do.  I can see the chores, I just can't really get to them.  I cleaned the bathroom.  I have been feeding the girls, taking medicine, keeping up on their litter, eating, and blogging.  Dreaming some of the oddest dreams.  Quiet dreams.  Some drama, in there, some emotion, but all of it in muted shades, muted emotional responses save for the baby carriage, and muted sounds.  Those things exist, but softly.  It's an odd time.  I just can't seem to recover, fully.  Maybe the weather is being quirky, and that is getting to me.

Just... I don't know what is happening.  I can't track, or stay on track.  At least, for the most part, my life, itself, is somewhat muted.  Mostly.  I'll keep trying to figure it out and get back to work.  Later.