Didn't feel like it.

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Cloudy days are starting to become a bummer.  Working every day, to a larger or smaller degree, is becoming a load.  As I got around to medicine today, I saw that I missed Friday night and all of Saturday, and yes I believe I could feel it this time.  Not always, sometimes worse or better, this time I feel it in a middling way.  So I took medicine for today.  It's been, probably, about a month since I missed a single dose.  Gonna happen.  Coffee, I believe, is what I had thought to go out there to get.  No, it was while thinking about taking a shower.

I didn't want to take a shower.  What else was on my list?  Well, with the alfalfa sprouts finished, and in a container in the fridge, I thought about starting a mix of bean sprouts.  I just didn't want to do that.  And, there, right in front of me... dishes.  It seemed like a huge pile, plus a big pot from eggs and a big bowl from... who knows now.  I just didn't want to do any of the list.  I didn't want to... do anything.  Sleep?  Can't.  Blog?  Why?  Browse the faux news?  Nah.

So...  I got the beans to soak, then did a bit around the kitchen.  Not much.  Just what I used to accuse women of toodling around.  This, that, the other thing, but nothing organized.  Almost more of a nervous twitch thing.  Then I did work my way up to doing the dishes, which are now in a hot rinse.  Then a shower.  I really wasn't up to a bath.  Feeling like it, or not, just isn't a part of the equation.  Being tired isn't a reason to not do anything.  Honestly, I feel neither better or worse, physically.  I do feel better of mind, or maybe will.  I simply don't feel much right now.  Not even coffee is breaking through the fuzz.  No matter, I got my list checked off, I do believe.  I don't do that for feelings, I do it because that is what there is to do, and... for the moment... I can.

Ugh.  It's an ugly day.  Not really bad.  The dream... it was a good dream.  The bad part was having to return from it.  Not as bad as the return from a definite death, the one I remember.  My body doesn't hurt like it did then.  Or, I am used to it now.  But the emotional sense of returning here from there is the same.  I'll keep going, checking off the list, doing the chores, putting in the effort, moving right along, until I work my way out of this.  Sometimes it is all there is.  Just stopping, I assure you, does you no favors.  Well, on to... something.  But with the sense that I have done what I planned even through the worst hit in a while.