Oh, I know.

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The stories I tell are way out there.  And yet in dreams, visions, and such... they all fit.  I won't say they are kind.  I can't say that a vision, or sight, or dream, or notion, is true.  Neither can you.  All I can do, for myself, is look at the material and see if it could be, to my way of thinking.  Is any given woman beautiful?  Is any lot of material a specific weight?  Is any specific truth absolute?  Is a truth that is not typical yet a truth?  I mean, for exampling, and assuming the Resurrection was a fact, does a one-time event make a fact a truth?  Sure, in time it is said, all will be resurrected.  But that is something taken on faith.  So it cannot be added to the equation.  Again, I ask, does one otherwise impossible act make a fiction into a fact?  So it is with these dreams and such.

Yes, last night, I dreamed.  The darkness of times past was yet there.  It was shaped, and caressed, into a form that, when added with the rest, brought understanding.  Such depth of darkness, seen in fullness, needs powerful, full, and true light to overcome.  So it was.  Putting it all together in order to move forward, again, perhaps?  Dunno.  Just that it all came to a point, but a... kindly one last night.


The first understanding of the depth of my darkness, despair, sin, and folly brought terrible shivers through my soul.  Attempts were made to ignore, or hide, or deny, and more.  And that worked, for a while.  Until I fell and could do nothing but think.  There was no place to run, no way to hide, and I could no longer deny.  Even then, rather than face it, I sought darker paths still.  But, what I thought were my demons, would not let me escape.  Too strong, in ways, even to die.  Neither was it my demons, or even my strength that kept me alive.  Another form of denial, those.  As with breaking a stallion, the One who wished my alliance was patient.

I have been so many things, just in this life.  If my dreams and visions are true, and about me, then I truly have been more good and bad sorts than any man could know.  Not always by choice, either way.  Tribal to hungry to wild to lawful, various aspects, through time and lives, were explored.  Seeking, as I have suggested, heaven but without the confines of God's will.  Usually unable to see or hear Him.  Though almost as often simply refuting Him.  I have worn many masks.  Most only ever wear few, though as I may have suggested, not as few as I may have thought, or as weakly.  Alone, just not quite as completely as I had first thought... when the realization first struck.

My kind or the others, either way, this is a part of their song.  It covers those who are with God, and those who aren't.  Bastards to God's will, but then so are fallen men... in some ways.  I have a serious suspicion that being fallen, or nephilim, or bearing the mark of Cain, or whatelse, is all part of God's plan even just so.  What we do with it, and perhaps who He calls and what they do with that, is all another thing.  Choice, but choice that won't affect the final outcome, only our own outcome?  Something like that.  That is a truly intricate thought process to tussle with.  You will most likely lose, if it matters little so long as you fight the right wars and submit to your right Master and his ways, regardless of the outcome.  Another deep plunge of thought there.  No way out of it save to trust and bow in gratitude.  Darklings, of the sort I see as my own... have a purpose.  And will do God's will, knowingly, willfully, or not.  In my case, to my best, it is willfully, thankfully, even if finally.  No price too high, as I see things.

The confusion, for so long, of just what I am, was.  This video was made before I wrote any of this, but not seen until very recently.  There is so much in there I have written.  I am glad I didn't see it until recently.  I might not have written some things.  There is much I haven't written because the videos say it better.  Yes, this... how do they know, I ask.  Do others see, or is it just random similarity?  If random, how do I keep bumping into it?  Even the games I play seem to...  These aren't songs or games or vids that strike chords, they are things that I know, have lived, have seen in a different and familiar past, life for certain I have lived, and a future.  They are playing my songs.

The rounding out was the possibility that a future, both in light, then in shadow, then in light again, helped smooth the edges of the dark and hard that fit into the dreams from last night, and a few other incidents of late.  So... heavy.  And, yet, with a touch of faith, a gift of grace, and some serious gratitude to see the light at the end of the tunnel really is light, even should it be final... it all makes a bit more sense and is succor enough, balm for a terribly wounded body, mind, and soul... or spirit.  That good triumphs.  That either by sight or action I have a role.  That hope is not needed as goodness needs it only for the weak and unseeing and for moments, if moments can be lifetimes.  To see beyond.  Yes.  It is good.  It helps me get by these hard days of sick body.  Dark as things may appear to you, trust me, they are not.  Have faith, and courage.  Smile.

Beyond all borders meant something different to me for most of my life.  It now means something new and quite good, special.  I thank God for offering the opportunity to understand this new way.  And the patience it took to show it to me.  As the song migrates from worldly to Wisdom, so to did my life... even my existence, which may, probably, be well beyond this life.

Amen.