Very short on sleep.

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Playing like I was a kid, I was up all night.  There were a number of topics I was doing rough research regarding, interspersed with old music and trying to rebuild some of the lost video elements from the past.  Sometimes I just don't remember what song fit that spot, sometimes that music video is gone and even if I do remember, I can't find another copy, or suitable version, of it.  I was up until 6:30?  Something.  And I am waking right at 10:30.  Not sure how well this will go.  Sometimes it works perfectly, as a life reset.  Sometimes the stumble causes me to crash and burn at speed.  Odd how when I have a woman these things begin to balance.  I still run the clock, either asleep or awake, from time to time.  But I recover quicker, usually much quicker.  She becomes, mostly, my internal clock.

I'm not feeling bad for the overnighter.  Not yet anyway.  I dreamed of dealing with a woman, several times, last night.  How do you put things?  When speaking to a woman, you put them differently.  Do you wish her attention and action?  Do you want her alliance?  Are you going to use her to burn something for you?  You, as a man, are the lead.  Whether conscious or not, whether with intent or not, when you begin the thing, you do lead regardless.  She WILL follow.  She will, rightly or wrongly, love or hate you for it.  Not that either mean a thing if you are to do what is right in the full breadth of that meaning.  Many men simply can't live with being in charge.  Much as many parents can't handle being in charge.  Ask any teacher where that goes.  A headless family is no different.  Better to have a poor leader than none.  Women are not leaders.

Being a leader isn't about getting what you want, either.  It's about serving.  Why do you think the head of the family is literally, biblically, compared to being Christ, and the wife is considered the Holy Church?  What did Christ do for the Holy Church?  He lived, He taught, He sacrificed, He returned to life even then and returned to help a bit more, and He will return again.  I'm as close to a man who can do that since, if less than many husbands in other ways... or so far.  My problem was I tried to believe women were equal (in order that I could abandon them at some point in their frustrated protestations at my leadership).  Then again, modern women are in on that gig.  Which is why most divorces are initiated by women.  They, even in modernity, 'do their daddy's will".  I just, back when I didn't see, didn't bother to marry.

Anyway.  As much as I understand there is much that I don't, some that I never will.  We aren't machines, we aren't coded, what works there won't work here.  Marriage is a patchwork of mutual forgivenesses, bindings, bits of work, and in the end a talent.  The relationship itself, in a fallen world, tries to be worldly and end.  It takes a lot of effort, on both sides, to mold it, then maintain it.  Sometimes on a wing and a prayer, sometimes without the wing.

It was good, even if just in dreams, to have a woman look to me for answers again.  Oh, they don't really want answers.  In one sense.  And yet that is what they get when they ask, and they do ask.  Never worry if they disregard your answers.  My finest women haven't just been miracle girls, they have been my favored 'no' girls.  I expect, often, them to initially not want or like or accept that answer.  In time, if I told them true, sometimes I see that they have taken my answer as if they had always believed it.  Arguing only delays that.  Not on everything, on much.  Though, make sure you leave some things very open for her to disagree.  First, beside being a woman... a disagreeable sort if I ever saw such... she is also just a human, and must tender notions all her own, even if, deep down, or even closer to the surface, she knows them to be wrong.  When I speed five miles over the limit?  Same thing.  *wink*  You, as the husband, are an authority.  As such, you must, in some varied ways, be resisted.  Just... keep an eye on how far.  Inch... mile... Just... saying.

Oh, today?  I'm going to work if I can hit that sweet spot.  I haven't been doing much, but a little.  I will keep that up.  I'm doing more work trying to get to work than I am working.  Some sort of bottleneck of ill health I suppose.  That don't confront me none, so long as I get food once in a while and give it my best.  Later.