Noon thirty?

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Not sure why or how I am awake.  I seem to be aware, realizing I just missed the post office.  I shouldn't be awake.  Perhaps my system clock sees this as the time to wake, if it's off projections and norms.  I suppose it would be, just odd it tilted the direction it did.  Interesting what a body does when it, for a or several reasons, divorces itself from common will, becoming literally incapable of following instructions in order to keep the body fed.  Without a large willing family, in most other times, I would have died or been ended.  Most thought, still do, many, that misfortune is deserved.  It's the easier way.  Even I go there from time to time.  There are some who choose, walk into where they know they shouldn't.  I did not choose this.  Still, in another time, perhaps in the near future?

Digging, the twelve steps of humility was found.  Some of those were familiar.  Losing the ability to do simple regular labor, or end yourself for it, will result in some rather harsh personal reviews.  While a woman can hurt the ego, none can throw stones like the self.  Can't miss.  Initially, with only rage and no other target?  Which is why so many people, especially men, who break, suicide if the illness isn't fast enough.  I think psych fields are more to try to figure out which ones are confused, to save those, and to gently urge the truly broken to their death.  Even that failed.

The steps?  The only ones I haven't tasted require a monastic life.  Not that I have sampled rightly.  Just, I have been to the bottom of the deck, I recognize the monster I am, can be, in it's many ways... from frail flesh to many-bellied hungry animal and on to willful sinner.  Attempts in rejection have been denied, so I have had to at first drown in absolute failure.  Eventually I learned to live with it, then more.  I'll never be able to unsee, fully accept.  Without a place there is only grace.  I... half hope, when your time is up you will make it through to here.  It is a challenge, every day.  But if you make it to acceptance in spite of your lack of use, even as you deteriorate without any sense of control, you will eventually just give a prayer of thanksgiving in case you don't have another chance, and mean it.  For the opportunity just to have lived and know God.

I guess what that means is I can't go deeper into humility along their path.  Illness, age, else, will continue to teach.  I will use those forces to learn, adding twice daily personal assessments along with prayers as the driver, plus colluding forces, and I will muddle through.  I won't grovel, again, if there is yet work to be done.  A slow narrow path.  Worth the price at any cost.  Yeah, it was brewing while I slept.  Later.