Rough, in odd ways.

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Sleeping long, hard.  Waking, without knowing who or what I am.  Up long hours, as well.  Sore, breathing is difficult, organs hurt, heart is tired.  Death isn't approaching.  It's just... minor trouble.  I've had far worse.  I've had this for months at a time.  This is getting worse, or I am more aware?

Medicine, on top of extended and returning cold weather.  A doubling up.  Not being able to clean, or cook even if I could clean.  Yesterday I ate carb tabs.  That... was something.  I have also been eating sardines and kippers, and such.  But there is a limit to those.  I finally thawed and grilled bratwursts.  But... it's... not a whole meal.

Starving, but... not hungry either.  Not hungry enough to figure out how to get to town, even for fast food.  My arms hurt, muscles.  No reason I can think.  Kidneys, even after going hungry.  Less after carb tabs.  Weird.  A rough one.  But the mind is brighter... given the givens.  Not as good as when meds are settled and food is right, but considering I am in a deep dark health hole, the mind is pretty copasetic.  Though, I'm not sure that is a good thing.  It's as with pain, sometimes being unconscious is better than being starkly awake... if nothing else can be done.  But, if you are bleeding to death, consciousness while painful offers a chance and finding a way to stop the bleeding.

Do I really believe pain is worth enduring so as to live?  Given heaven, and hell, and those being eternal?  Absolutely.  Oddly, God gave me an opportunity... to see the option for better, even dying from a suicide.  I... I just don't count on a second opportunity at such a thing.

Then again, I have learned how to live, if just... in pain.  I have learned to even enjoy... through the pain.  I... can't do much.  Work, if I could.  Play, if I couldn't work.  Mostly I sit.  And often hurt, but not always.  I do as much as I can, more if possible.  Even if it does end up causing more pain or sleep.  I do exactly what I can get away with doing.  Sometimes more, if I may end up sleeping for nearly a month.

Oh, and someone is out there, goofing.  Dark accusations, dark intentions, possibly some sort of attempt at niceties as well?  Some support.  Very strange.  I don't worry.  If hungry for sin, look to God.  If attacked for that, don't even worry.  I don't seek martyrdom, but would welcome the opportunity.  And any support?  I'll take it as if brought by Christ... Jesus... Himself.  He can work through the most evil of men... and women.  I've seen it... done it.  *wink*

I may put together some of the odd, dark, pieces... sooner, or later, or not.