My brother called.

.

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A bit peeved that I am not waking until midafternoon or later.  Keep your phone on, he says.  I need my sleep, and this is how it is.  Why can't you just be like...  I told him my heart was bad since before I left the Navy, they knew it, did nothing.  Planned to let me die.  Left it untreated for three decades, nearly.  I told him to look up a bad heart, see what it does, how it can be treated, what happens to a guy if it goes untreated.  I don't have choices.

He kept saying he was just trying to talk to me.  No, he was trying to tell me to be better.  Some things will never get better.  I am one of them.  He'd say that as a defense, then go right back to trying to tell me to be awake earlier and to have my phone on all the time.  Clueless.  I can see why he got the jabs.

If I could be up, awake, and going, regularly, I would have a job.  Even just a sit job.  I'd be out doing... something... anything... if I could keep a normal schedule.  You don't understand?  Of course you don't.  Until you do, then it is too late.

Anyway... mom keeps falling.  And her guy can't help her.  He has to call in help, which isn't always available.  The jabs took her feet right out from under her.  He, and even she, is starting to think she will have to go in, to the nursing home, permanently.  I... suspected this was coming, hoped it would be a bit off.

She is, I am told, going in Monday.  To see the doctor.  While she hasn't, so far, hurt herself much, she is heading that way.  Eventually something will break.  She simply doesn't have the strength, or coordination, to walk.  Not sure if the walker is not enough, or if she pridefully refuses to use it all the time.  I just don't know.  If even the walker is a problem, then... that is pretty much it.

He wants me to go visit her.  As before, I really don't have the money.  I could have ordered less kit, but that wouldn't have allowed me to afford the trip.  It would have gotten me halfway, one way.  I simply don't have to money to just go.  Or I would probably already have been there.  Then again, there isn't much I can do.  I am not sure, actually, I could help her up.  Not anymore.  Not alone.  And, not sure what I can do about emptying her house.

He was thinking I sell things.  In Iowa?  First, her goods aren't... top quality.  They aren't terrible, but just... normal... for Iowa.  They don't have worth.  Probably charity, if they would take them.  At least she no longer has a pet.  That would have been the most difficult part of anything.  Even packing up anything?  That would be quite a bit of work.  I could help, I couldn't do it solo.  I... really... am not sure what my brother expects, wants.  I would mostly be there to see her, possibly a last time.  Help with the removal of her things, but I couldn't do it solo.  I don't even have a truck, or a destination.

I don't know.  I would do what I could, be with her, give her hugs, and, basically, say goodbye.  The chance I will outlive her is getting better.  That will probably be about all I do for her, the last thing I do for her.  Aging and dying is difficult, having your few people do that around one, is far more difficult.  I would like to stay, a while... visit daily, then every other day, until she is settled in.  But, with this fake covid stuff, I wouldn't even be able to visit.  They really are forcing old people to die alone, and forgotten.  Evil.

Well... enough.  I'll think about things, if the choices and options aren't all mine.  Later.