I can't believe how much it hurts.

.

.

I thought I was, had become, immune.  It has been so long since I lost one so close.  Worse, my involvement.  I am sure it was the right thing to do.  But that doesn't change some things, or alter feelings.  I keep expecting her to beg for food, or come up and paw me, to get attention.

This hurts in ways I haven't known for so long.  There are only two others who have been in my life for as long as I have been with Sam.  I just can't believe she is dead.  Brutal.  Sassy is talking to me, from time to time.  She knows.  I think she hurts, in her way?  Odd, she hasn't been talking to me for a long time.  She knows it hurts me.

I can leave the door open, to the upstairs, now... when I sleep.  As much as I loved Sam, she had become a bit dangerous to me.  She would scratch me, to wake me.  But it wouldn't wake me.  I couldn't let her go up.  I suppose her cancer was using all the food she was eating.

Damn, even so, I will so miss her.  Yea, I really did think I had gotten over loss.  In a strange way, I am glad I haven't.  Is it even love if there isn't loss when death comes?  I have a weird headache, from this.  Some other things.  It isn't just tears.  At least she isn't starving.  On top of in what must have been horrendous pain.

I... will go... try to get my mind off this.  Sam... going to miss her something awful.  She is a very special animal.  Even put up with me.  Awful, terrible.  Not another word, though.  You all know.  I know.  The finest gifts have the highest prices.