Up and... thinking about getting at it.

.

.

So very tired.  Just, mostly, not requiring sleep.  Short, on sleep, last night though.  It was half after midnight, give or take small change.  It was probably a quarter to seven when I got up, ten minutes later as I sit typing.

No, I actually did a few thing.  I cleared litter, refilled the heater for coffee/tea water, took off my gloves and washed (as well as able) the balm from overnight, and dressed... if just in house clothes... pj's and a warm fleece-like jacket.  So, yeah.  I... did a lot in a few minutes, actually.

No dishes were added in to the wash yesterday.  I may be able to get the last few small loads?  Or at least get two going.  But?  With the the tub open?  I may shower again, right quick, as first thing as possible from this point on.  I must admit, I am looking at a shower bench.  Just... something to put in, and set upon, while showering.

My legs are getting weak.  No matter how much I push to strengthen them, how much protein I take.  It's not a strength thing, it's an endurance problem.  I... get tired.  Oh, though I am going to have to start seeing about the standing feature on my desk.  Get me up, on my feet, for as long as I can handle it, several times a day.  The goal is to be able to stand, pretty much all day.

Now that I have found the right size shoes, and am caring for my feet, it might be... more reasonable.  I just don't know if the goal is attainable.  I am running out of... something.  My mother, she said this is what it was for her, her legs giving out.  That is why she is in the nursing home.  She literally could not stand, sometimes, at all.  She would just lose her legs.

My guess is, too, she would push herself... like someone else.  And would eventually fail.  She couldn't keep up, and tried, kept trying.  Now that she doesn't have to cook, and clean, and do plants, and, and, and... she can rest when and as she needs.  She is doing a bit better.  But, something is... just gone.  She can, and wishes to, still visit her guy, do some tending to him, and his home?  I think, as she can.  And make a meal, or help with it, from time to time... plus eat out too, real not industrial food.

Anyway... my legs, and whole body really, have hit something.  Time is... closing in.  I am hoping I have options, but... I don't know.  When the simple chores, of tending rabbits, becomes a problem.  When standing to shower takes it out of you.  But, it's been doing that for years.  I'm just... not sure... where to go from here?  Spooky.  Or it may just be the last inning of a winter, that keeps dragging on, and punching me in the nose?  And cold, grabbing me like a cat does a mouse, threatening life and all?  Can't get warm, some days.  Not with the furnace jacked, not with several layers of clothing, socks, a jacket, a shower, hot foods and drinks;.. shivering.

Oh well.  A bit of waking, first.  A bit of browsing, then gaming, then to it.  I have the alarm set for about an hour, then will feed Sassy, oh and change her water.  With Sam, it was obvious.  It was so dirty, and she would drink... half a dishpan, a quarter of it anyway, a day.

Oh, I remembered her again, recently.  Odd how it comes back, when you thought you were over it, like an echo.  I swear, since I dreamed of visiting her, she has been... present.  She always went to the bathroom with me.  From way back when I moved in.  After she decided I was good enough.  I... see her, out of the sides of my eyes.  When I look, she is gone.  As well, when I was gaming, she would come, sit at my feet, and just... watch me.  Always watching me.  I more feel, than see, her doing that.  It doesn't terrify.  Oddly, it doesn't pacify, or make me feel better, either.  I miss that stupid cat.  At least I am human enough to cry at loss.  And I am grateful for that.  To miss so dearly is to have loved.  And still love.  Odd how we, instinctively, know death isn't... natural?  I... think so.  

Anyway... on to gaming.  Then, a shower.  I may shave again this morning.  Then dishes.  Then some business before long?  Something like that.  I may just feed Sassy, and reset the timer for an hour and an half, or two, then start work then.  Ah, but breakfast in there too.  Later.