Strange how that works.

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I was warm, even hot, until it hit 73.  Then I became almost bitterly cold.  The outside reads 58 degrees.  And while the clouds are mostly gone, perhaps a quarter of the sky had clouds, half?  But they are flimsy, not too thick or threatening, or so it seems currently... as the sun begins to rise.  Still, it's a wet seeming day.

I don't think, in the end, we got all that much rain.  Enough to moisten everything.  Perhaps even as good as the sprinkler, if more fully broadcast.  Still, it is very moist, in the air.  This feels like an Iowa morning, not a Utah morning.  But that moisture adds a certain chill.  So, I shut the fans down and closed one window, the only one on the eastern side... though closing that is to keep the soon to be warming air, and sunshine, from heating that area.

With the fans off it is hovering right at 73, everywhere in the house.  Sticky, for the humidity, but cold too.

Haven't gotten to anything.  Not sure I will.  I'll set up a fatted coffee, see if the warmth and caffeine might help me get a shower, shave, and dishes started.

Oh, but... I realized something.  While I have been a bit broken, of late.  This last month, and some parts of last month?  Right.  Well, in spite of being incapable of working, there is something... missing.  Pain.  I haven't had pain regularly, or even irregularly.  Oh, I hurt, just a bit, the other day.  Which got me thinking.

Have I missed the pain?  Strangely, yes.  Not that I desire pain.  But, suffering... sort of makes me feel better about not being able to function.  Without it, I just feel lazy.  I'm not.  Something is broken in there.  I can't even eat, when I have tasty food, sometimes, because I can't digest it.  I know that.  Sometimes I can be starving, and simply not be able to cook... even if I have access to the stove, food, and clean pots and pans.  And I love to eat.  If, still, the only reason I am so fat is because I have zero metabolism.

I really am curious what happened with regards to the pain.  I had thought, perhaps, dairy.  But, no.  The pain stopped well before I ended cream.  I am eating a lot less, mostly because cooking has been a struggle.  Well, and food just... doesn't seem all that tasty.  The heat just... makes me not hungry.  Or, not able to eat even when hungry.

I remember my kidneys blaring, sending outrageous pain signals.  Other organs as well.  My ribs would hurt, from time to time, especially when I couldn't eat much... as is the current case minus the pain.  All sorts of pains, headaches to migraines nearly daily.  Neck, back, shoulders, knees, feet, ankles.  There wasn't much that didn't hurt.

Currently, just my shoulder joints hurt, and sometimes ribs... but not how they used to hurt.  The joints never used to bother me.  Now it is as if I slept in an inverted mummy sleeping bag, and my shoulders were pinned for it.  My ribs feel more like they are cramping.  While that is similar to the hunger pains, it's... from a different cause... more like dehydration cramps... right in there.  Very odd.  Even so, those pains are so much milder they usually fly under the radar.  I don't... notice, until I do something that stresses them, or am doing a body scan, finding what is wrong, or right.

Well, an swelling of the feet and ankles had mostly disappeared.  It comes back, lightly, from time to time.  But has diminished for the most part, save in just the left foot, and just the top of it... not the whole thing.  Ankles a bit, from time to time, but much less than before, and rarely.  That, I think, mostly, is due to dairy.  I think.  When I stopped, it slowly faded then was gone mostly, until this last week.  If, as mentioned, this is less severe than it has been in a very long time.

Pain... do I miss it?  Well, it... helped me understand my incapacity.  It helped me understand my health issues, at least through feel.  It... fed that which tended my guilty conscience.  Though, I have to tell you... after decades of pain, I... I think I can live without it, at this point, if that is allowed.  For while it is allowed.  I'll never be fully comfortable.  Hard to be awake, or sleep.  Difficult to be cool enough, without being cold, or hot.  Always a little uncomfortable in my skin, like any man just waiting around at the gallows, knowing it's just a matter of time, short or long, with little chance at... changing anything, doing anything about it.  At the gallows?  Or in the noose already?  More the latter.  Partly dead, more by the minute, no matter how many decades I may have left.

Still, I'll... take the lighter moments, and gratefully, at this point.  I don't need the pain, further, to prove or relieve.  I have done all I could do.  And I am... still working through, when possible, as I can.  Still, it's... strange, to not be in agony.  It's like living a life in a wind tunnel, to all of a sudden realizing the fans have shut off.  For a time, it isn't apparent, fully.  Then, when it hits, it seems so strange.  Quiet, of a sort.  I'll... take it.  Later.