Not bad.

.

.

Anything I eat, at this point, has the potential to push nausea, or relieve it.  Wasn't sure which way pickled pork hocks would go.  But really wanted some meat.  It isn't the most delicious, thinking more fried, roasted, or such, for meat.  But it surprisingly eased my nausea.  And, was somewhat satisfying.

There were only a few pieces, from the old jug.  I wasn't sure if the new jug would be better, being fresh.  Or if... pickled is pickled, so it wouldn't matter.  I do think the fresher is better.  Both are rather old, but have been refrigerated the whole time.  It's just that with one, the seal was broken probably six months ago?  Or longer.  Oh well.

As mentioned, this round of strange food sort of filled me?  Without causing nausea, reducing it strangely.  Not what I wanted, but it will do for the moment.  Not a lot.  Not even I can eat a lot of pickled product at a time.  Just... bits and pulls and bites.  But it helps.  No more tomorrow, or for a while.  I have limits.  I have hit my limit, possibly for the week.  Still, good enough.

Was thinking, remembering, suicide attempts.  Still not sure how I made it through things.  It doesn't make any sense whatsoever.  As well, dreaming, of flight.  I have been wanting to fly in my dreams for a while.  Trying to push it, coax it, do it.  It just wouldn't happen.

But, last night, I dreamed one of my favored women let out a squeak, let me know she hurt.  Really hurt, was being damaged.  She called, and I... flew.  Through steel plates, at speed.  I guess I just have to be called to it?  Yes, I got there in time.  She wanted me to be forgiving with the problem.  I was.  Of course, I eliminated the problem after forgiving it, out of her view.

Forgiving doesn't mean not punishing.  Or... making sure some things don't happen again.  I just made sure.  I also forgave, fully, deeply, finally.  Amen.  Yes, that is a hint, a tip, a clue, a notion.  Don't do serious evil.  God and the church forgive one way, I forgive another.  But, when you are being tortured, find out which one you think will do anything about anything.  Call that which you think will help you the most.  No judgment, just... some truths, choices.  I'm often with the church, much as I am often with my mother, or a particular woman, or daughter.  While I am with them, I am not... like them.

Yes, I do love flying.  I... hate the reason I must fly though?  Perhaps that is why I haven't been flying.  Given the choices, if being worried about those I love, to be so driven as to break reality by flying?  I'd... rather not fly.

Good night.

Oh, right... not dying?  Why?

I don't know.  All I know is... it's not normal.