Two days down.

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It has been some time since the last time I was down for two days straight.  Mother has been an impediment to that.  At this point, I am not giving her that allowance.  She stole the last of the money in my wallet.  I'm not really on speaking terms with her.

She got up when I was up for a bit, yesterday.  So I immediately went back to bed.  Some complaint about me not going to bed because she was in pain.  Not my problem.  Jonesing for something in town, would be my guess.  She has friends, they can take her to town.  I doubt if they will tolerate her going in and getting stoned for a couple two, three, four hours either.  Not more than once, twice, maybe three times.

I certainly won't.  Did that, unthinkingly, once too often.  She is on her own.  I am sure she hurts.  I hurt passively every day, actively nearly as often.  I have learned how to embrace pain.  I don't have a great deal of empathy for those who attempt to escape it, especially if the pain is from want of their escape mechanism.

Lately, I have to actively "listen" to my body, mostly, to know what hurts.  Gibblets, the liver, mostly.  Though with a moderate perpetual headache, and neck bone and else background ache.  The feet and calves are also staying cold.  I can't seem to get them warm, or for long.  Which creates a type of ache.  Oh, and currently my right foot, should I do much walking, the knuckle on the big toe, will ache fiercely.  I made purchase of a cane, which works, and is the right height by chance.  That should ease mobility and the absolute agony of walking, sometimes.

Look, I refused painkillers when they did a kidney biopsy, and for the recovery period, while suffering greatly from two other intense hurts.  For fear of addiction.  I wouldn't take painkillers if offered them, even when I had six or seven cracked ribs and could barely breathe through the pain.

I am beginning to suspect she began dosing when as a caregiver for her mother, while she was dying of cancer.  Learned how to, mostly, be a high level addict.  Even so, kept... running into problems, burning bridges, stealing, or lying to the wrong people, so had to move along.

At this point, she knows no one will tolerate her for long.  She will use people as long as possible, then move on.  The last nursing home was probably really trying to kill her.  They had no other way, to their minds, of dealing with her and her addiction.

I think they tried methadone, even active dosing, but neither was enough.  Was she stealing from the medicine cart?  She had a lot of friends, if some of them were other users, or people she abused, or dealers.  I've never liked her circle of friends.  They were all like her.  Users are prey and predator.

I just won't, can't, put up with her anymore.  I will get her placed and let it go.  From what I could see, the people there seem to be like her.  I... can see with more than eyes.  I do feel for the few who are innocents there.  I am like that, but know it, at least.  I have thieves to contend with, but am trying to mitigate those.  Some people don't see.

I need water.  Might skip coffee, food.  Just not interested.  The pain is a bit sharper, fresher, more surface than I thought, which kills the appetite.  But water, that could be consumed in some volume.  I am so very thirsty.

Later.