Updates and Ramblings

Interesting. After I wrote the post about my dream, in a city where I rarely see police, I counted 8-10 cop cars, and probably missed several, all in one day. Nearly every time I went for a drive, I saw at least two, at different times, often going my way for some distance. I don’t know if they are out for other reasons, maybe they like the new vehicle, or maybe they do scan the internet and blogs (which, in truth, I don’t mind a bit so long as they are legitimate and not looking to just test new powers or bash citizens). Generally put, I do trust them (if that was the case). However, if that was the case, they really didn’t read through the material well, or their reading comprehension or my writing skills (or both) are greatly lacking?

As well, I’m not only clean of history, I’m clean of intent. I have no interest in NAZI’s, Black Panthers, Communism, Socialism, the overthrow of our government, nor hurting anyone or myself. Life is just too good, there is too much potential in both people and their lives to squander anyone’s life. Beyond that, and truth be told, though I am a conservative, I am not terribly Republican or anything. As a new Catholic, I am probably even less interested in politics than even the weak general conservative impetus might otherwise have granted. In finding a home in the church, I have ceded a bit of my political idealism. I guess I know we can’t all get along, but when we can, why not. We truly do live in the land of milk and honey, where the poor are fat and the rich are fit!

I didn’t worry about the number of police (except that something dangerous might be happening, and being a college town, I might never be told of the danger). With the Virginia Tech thing, in the near past, with brutal minded who have lost hope, with the lack of communication in college communities, I think I’ll stay in until the weekend is over. Well, I would like to get to church.

I have been a poor adherent lately. Oh, I pray, usually daily, but I haven’t been going to church. My medication situation (high blood pressure medicine) has regressed, but that may be mediated before long. In spite of getting things done on this vehicle deal, I wouldn’t call it a great play. I was late doing some of the required work, I couldn’t get my paperwork organized, I couldn’t make morning meetings, and just wasn’t on top of it expect for looking at the numbers (all of them) and seeing if it was right for me. As well, targeted meeting times were not doable, etc. So, getting to church on time, even with a regular time has been difficult. Still, I am functioning better when I do function.

The Beast is Prowling

My dreams are often odd, confused, and sometimes frightening. I only occasionally remember them when I wake up, I just have a strange sense of them sometime later, recalling details, places, feelings, and such in vivid colors, odors, and even the feel of textures and breeze or wind against my face and body. They can be reality based, which actually are the scariest when they are nightmares, or more like B flicks (which when scary, I actually enjoy… free horror flick edited for Christian content by my bean, heart, soul, or God), or a collections of ideas, sensual inputs, and or pictures, but they bubble to the surface in my waking time. They can be dreams of the future. For example, I recently (early last month) dreamed that it would snow at least twice more, be very cold around the times, and cold enough that the snow would stick around for a few days at least once. My ex-fiancée laughed at this. A nurse I see on occasion scribbled down a little note (for the doc?). Well, it did happen. No comments from the naysayers as of yet. It was good for a laugh.

Aside from this dream, and my dreams of the Rocky Mountains, I’ve been having odd dreams of a possible very bad near future for the last few years. My dreams seem to indicate that what I am seeing is only a possibility, not a sure thing. In them, the US isn’t lost, but Europe is. As such, we are isolated for the most part. In the US, several large cities and a small city may be bombed, smaller yield nukes (I still recall some of the details of delivery and set-up of the mechanisms and fissile material (separate actions, culminating at poi)), mostly local immediate death, some fall-out victims, and long term but not millennial detoxification (can’t be sure which cities, though Chicago seems familiar, L.A. (I think but I haven’t actually been there so can’t be sure), with other big cities like San Fran, N.Y.C, even St. Louis as possible targets, and the small city being something like Iowa City or Ithaca, N.Y.). The time-frame is five years, plus or minus three years, if it is to happen.

Losing Europeans as allies, currently and with the exception of Britain and perhaps Italy, is almost akin to losing Chavez as a friend, politically speaking (in my oft pessimistic, sometimes quite off, view, mind you). However, even a temporary loss of access to mutual markets, investments, and travel would have a serious economic but also psychological affect. With the Euro/US dollar exchange rate, what is happening with Chinese currency, and a few other factors, it looks like the US is prepping for just such a potential outcome. I may be reading it wrong, but when the dreams started making themselves known, I started looking for indications. The way these things are working, America may be losing some business and trade potential, but it is limiting China’s capitalization of our currency as it ties (partial now?) it’s currency to ours and keeping our markets from becoming more dependent upon Euro trade, all of which would limit our liability in just such an eventuality, while also devaluing China’s enrichment (this point is highly debatable, but not completely deniable). China’s military modernization and build-up could only be ignored by the NY Times, going from a whole military of about 1.5-2 million twenty years ago to a standing army alone of nearly 3-4 million (As I recall). As well, Russia’s policies and hungers are starting to make the scene with every reporter, current or ex-government official, and mogul exiled, tried, or outright killed in an open manner. As well, NAFTA, some of our other free-trade agreements, and our immigration situation all make a LOT more sense within the tactical consideration of just such a future. All of that and what I offer are not guarantees, mind you, but to me these are little indications that the world is not static and is in fact quite politically fragile and potentially explosive, and policies are being explored and activated by each major player nation to seek it’s best starting, mid, and end game position.

As much as I might grumble about “European allies”, “blue” states, cities, and peoples, this scenario brings me no joy. I don’t worry about the economic impact, we are Americans, we will make do as we must. But I do worry about several other things; our response, actually more so if democrats hold majority and presidency (i.e. do not hand a machine gun to a murderously angry peacenik, or power hungry socialist/communist, and I am betting she will get the post); the potential for a major loss in our crop production, with the potential for massive amounts of farm land loss; and of course there is the social unrest that would occur in just such a scenario. All can be contained, countered, and we can continue a slightly more subdued life, but it would take time and time is not cheap. Worst case scenario is if both of these events are timed or coincidental (unlikely coincidences however).

I Don't Know, But I've Been Told

I notice as I debate conflicting ideas either with a friend, or not so much friend, or just ponder other takes on issues or my own takes, I come to a realization that all ideas collapse at some point. Essentially, no idea is infinite, linear, or even fully functional within all but strict artificial parameters, at least within the limits of my mind. I can poke Titanic sized holes in almost any idea proffered. Every argument I play against ‘their’ argument can be played against my beliefs, or most anyway. Now, my ideas have an origin which I believe to be God, ‘their’ ideas, should ‘they’ check, are at best from men (though some are rather carnal or animal based). I won’t negate even the carnal based origins as they are a part of our experience if a mistake to take as either the goal or sum of it. Without God, carnal reality is it.

What it comes down to is faith. Oddly, though I understand I have a faith, and though I understand this faith is nothing if not flimsy to an atheist as an example, I can’t help but know that ‘their’ beliefs are based completely on faith in spite of ‘their’ reluctance to even believe ‘they’ have faith. I am not sure why one cannot admit that one could never prove, let alone outright know, even a tiny fraction of the science one has been taught (dogma). Basically this means that what ‘they’ have been taught is accepted on faith and as such is no more substantial to me than religion is to ‘them’.

So, while I open the door to conversation, ‘they’ shut the door to communication, even personal realization. While I look for and at proof and proofs, ‘they’ close 'their' eyes to my sources of wisdom. While I fail to uphold my faith, then realign, then fail, then realign, in a never ending yet self-aware fashion aiming at an objective ideal, I see ‘them’ fail and write it off as subjectively irrelevant or by a blanket assumption that there are no wrong answers (except, that is, for the answers I offer, or more to point, God offers).

Too Much, So Fast, Yet Doable

I have been wondering about life, in general, in these times. Could it really be much different than civil life 10,000 years or more ago? Have we, as humans, developed added sensory qualities, cognitive abilities, or some other less than identifiable yet enhancing property or properties that allow us to be more than the men from ages gone? For my part, I don’t think so. We have made gains, as a race, but we have also lost ground. I do believe that a child born 10,000 years ago, then somehow transfigured through time to today, and then raised in this environment (barring some sort of handicap of form or function, and all else being equal), would do just fine and nobody would be the wiser.

So, I am left with looking at what we have gained and what we have lost, given the assumption that man has not changed. Our gains are all technologically driven. This technology is based on math, engineering, chemistry, and other hard sciences and medicine. Our losses are based on that same core, and enhanced by the soft sciences, i.e. psychology, sociology, perhaps even philosophy. I will explain.

First, the hard sciences have given men the ability to have a numerically greater and higher quality production system, increasing variety and availability of everything from the basics of food, water, and housing, to wants and partial needs such as transportation, athletics, and time for intellectual interests. Making something like a ten-speed bicycle or a car 200 years ago was not something that could be done well or quickly, if at all. The price, size, and quality, among other things, being limits to general consumption (for example think steam engine car, aka train, today). People in this country lived brutal short lives. As recently as the turn of the last century, there were no real medical schools (not accredited), and many ‘doctors’ didn’t even attend what was available. Today, we live well into our 70’s and seemingly longer every generation. We can either buy a custom piece, possibly produce it ourselves, or buy very good quality mass production items. And what we can buy or buy to make those things is mind boggling. If you want an electric or gas RC plane, a customized automobile, a metal lathe, or a yacht, it is available. And services from haircuts to, massages, to a trip into space are available. At times, it is vulgar what people buy and discard almost as quickly, things an ancient man would have fought and died for and which he would have taken exceptional care (think of how many canoes sit in garages, how many extra cars people have, even fishing equipment that sits idle most of the time) Oh, I’m not pointing fingers, I’m thinking about my own commercialism and sharing my part of it. It seems we have lost value for quantity, needs are so easy that only wants remain. It’s not a complete loss, but it seems the balance is now tipping too far into the loss column.

In the modern age, a man doesn’t need to work 12 hour days or more just to feed, house, and cloth a family. A wife isn’t constrained from work by the rigors of manual labor and the demands of a household. These should be good things, but the law of diminishing returns seems to be mocking man and telling us that at some point, we may indeed eradicate some of our basic human needs that go beyond the basics. At some point, so few men will be needed to make products compared to the population that we will not feel useful, successful, or fulfilled, let alone getting tired enough to sleep well or even digest our food properly. A man from a thousand years ago (or Mexico, Africa, or even parts of Europe) would think he had found the lost land of Atlantis, or the land of kings and queens. And, to some degree, he has. But how many kings can there be before a society fails to function? How many jobs exist, seemingly just to put a man in a place doing nothing but looking busy currently?

As for soft sciences, the reason I put that in the net loss category is because rather than helping man in any way, they seem to quantify men, blending a man with other men, shaving off (or attempting to) the individuality of each one. The ‘science’ ‘loses’ a quality there, a deficiency here, a feature there, until a man becomes men and then just numbers. As well, the information which is of functional use is used not to enhance man but to mitigate or outright control populations, it is used to sell (unneeded, otherwise undesired) items, and to define man as an animal or machine, or as I term it, a biomachine or biocomputer (I use these terms for true animal and other lower species). So, soft sciences are great for the powers that be and for businesses, but they work harshly against each individual man.

As well, I think a major concern in modern times is something that is known, if not on any front burners for medical research (or is wisely kept from the media awaiting solid data). The stress of modern life created by too many choices; too much information too fast, beyond our capacity to sort it, compare it’s value, and then act on it; and continuous sensual stimulation from advertisements, traffic, odors, electrical devices, electrical delivery itself, and even indoor plumbing all combined may be having a seriously debilitating affect on some or all people. If true, expect the next generations to have that problem compounded.

Honestly, little can be done to change this. All each man can do is make his individual choices as best he can, link with others who concur, and perhaps turn off and turn away from what is wrong as he sees it. Perhaps living in a quiet Iowa town isn’t so bad. Perhaps figuring how to live on $50,000 a year is better than making a million a year but not even knowing your family. Perhaps no tv is better than being stimulated into buying things you use rarely, once, or never. Choices, choices, choices, it doesn’t come down to whether to choose or not, it comes down to whether you make the choices or someone makes them for you. Probably more, it comes down to who you decide to trust to make the bigger choices, while you sort the minor life affairs and what or who to trust as a guide for moral issues. No man is an island, that is a certainty, yet too, no island is a man.

My First Big Piece of the Dream

I put my down on this today, should be picking it up as early as Thursday.



It is always a bear getting the deal to work, trades are difficult, and knowing if or how badly you are being worked is not really possible. However, I like the deal, it's within my parameters, it was simple in a mechanical way, and it's done.

It's a Nissan Xterra Off-road with a better than stock stereo, automatic, with a few extra goodies too boot. I wanted the blue, didn't want to wait (supposedly) 6 months.

Update 4-27-07:

I brought her home today. I took her for a drive right off the lot. Came home and my cousin stopped by. Took her for a ride again, he insisted against my great resistance. Came back home. Took her for a ride again. Came home. I think I'll do something novel, go for a ride and pick up groceries (just enough to excuse the late jaunt).

I do like the Xterra, it could move on to love and trust, but I take my time. She is very comfortable and sits quite high (a good high, not tilty or stretched feeling). She has some brass, but after the Camaro, it would take A LOT to impress me. Still, there is a feel of a smaller v-8 instead of the real 4.0L v-6. She is much taller than she appears in the picture above. I can ground step into her, just about perfectly, but I am 6'4"(+). In real life, she almost has the affect the little hummer might bring. So far, so good.

I won't worry about mileage until she has 2k under her belt. And, one immediate mod... synthetic oil. I will have that put in next month (I think, as money goes, you know). No need to break in the engine, so says their chief mechanic.

Technically, it's the 28th as I post, if that's a problem, get a life.

The Call of the Wild

I’ve been dreaming of late. No, I didn’t dream of two more snows, again. The dreams weren’t about current real life or even possible future in a general sense. The dreams seemed to be more of a calling than anything. I dreamed of mountains, valleys, streams, rain, wind, snow, and sunshine. I dreamed of a natural life without schedules, the typical rush, and without most modern conveniences. I dreamed of getting to some places others can’t drive, and some other places not even the best drivers and vehicles may go. It wasn’t an easy idyllic dream. It was sometimes hard work just living. Quite often, most often, it would be considered boring compared to tv, computer games, work, and modern play. But the dreams are powerful.

I am not sure I can make this dream real. But I feel the draw. I don’t suppose I would do it for the rest of my life, but it would be nice to do it for a year or two. I wouldn’t do such a thing just to say I did or to prove myself (did that last, to great dissatisfaction and some small griefs). No, I would do this to reset my priorities, to understand a simple life before continuing with this complicated one, to explore my nation, and for a daily dose of fresh air right up my nose.

Now, I don’t plan to die out there, as many with similar dreams seem to mis-plan to do. I have been looking at everything from vehicles to gps beacons to field kit and food and water, short and long term solutions and possibilities. It isn’t something I could do this year, very possibly not next year. However, it is something I could be preparing to do. I have already started buying some of my needs, testing these where and when I can. I will be buying more things in time and some things over time. Self-heating MRE’s and other fireless food solutions, target practice and perhaps small game hunting experience up-dating, technology studies regarding phones, beacons, and other convenient or “necessary” equipment, general field and location planning, even mail resources discovery. No, I don’t plan to “live the dream”, I just plan to live simply and control-alt-delete my personal machine. I might even be able to do this frugally enough to jump start my retirement account (which, for all practical purposes, I don’t need being that I am already receiving retirement. However, I might want to buy a house someday, or go back to school on my own nickel.).

I must admit, the world I’m living in leaves much to be desired. Politics and morals are so poor as to make a man despair. Still, and in truth, today is yesterday and will be tomorrow. Sometimes civil life is bad and sometimes my ruby glasses have turned to blood red and I just can’t see the goodness for the roses. My bad, and part of my consideration. If the world is horrible, is the viewer the problem or is the world? Is my lust for things, women, and achievement or lack of attaining these things in ways which are satisfactory the problem or is the world really going wrong?

Most will never be able to know. Women generally couldn’t and wouldn’t do what I am planning. Most men wouldn’t either, to be quite honest. I am not even sure I will do it, but at this point, that is my plan. In two years (slimly possibly less), after this coming August, I plan on having my house cleaned out, selling or disposing of things that won’t last, storing the rest (yeah, I’m keeping my Kershaw Shun layered steel kitchen knives and clever, All-Clad cookware, leather couch set, and mucho good comfy bed for when I get back). But much of the rest, computer included, will go away. I might have to get a lap-top though, I have heard satellite phones can now offer internet services. I know it’s not “outdoors-like”, but it can be convenient for shopping for vitals, an occasional blog, email, and general and specific local information, and trip planning (and burning time on those stupid games). Well, only a maybe on the lap-top.

Until then, I have a lot to do so… “Just, just get off my back man!”. Hehehe I think I’m hyped, a little nervous, and even a little cynical of my own resolve, among other things, all rolled into a nifty ditty-bag called me.

The Train Is Running Again If Not On Schedule

It's been a bit since I posted. A brief update is in order. I went back on blood pressure medicine, with a few provisions. I would also be put on methylphenidate (ritalin ), the blood pressure medicine would be increased as needed, and other prescriptions for the blood pressure control will be added as needed, provided my blood pressure lowered and pulse didn’t increase. Well, for several weeks, it just wasn't dropping, then weeks became a month and then more. After the first two weeks, my ability to function nearly completely ceased. More time went by and finally I offered to take even more medicine,fosinopril, if methylphenidate would be added, otherwise I would have to cease taking the medicine and just "live" with the consequences as I knew I honestly couldn’t take more medication and function well enough to remember to take it (or I should say, be conscious enough or often enough to take it).

Beyond that, another sleep study was conducted indicating no rem sleep and low (if not critically low) oxygen levels (one of the best nights sleep I can remember, continuos air circulation in the test bedroom, go figure). So, beyond the hp problem, perhaps a sleep problem as well. I'll be being seen by ENT in just a few weeks (very quick this time at the Iowa City VA, yeah!).

Ok, so we agree and move forward with a doubling from 10mg to 20mg fosinopril once a day, and 5mg methylphenidate twice a day. Wow, those first two days on methylphenidate were like being alive again, if a bit stressing. As well, since there are dangers involved with the methylphenidate, a follow-up with a pharmacologist type (pleasant woman, really, and tall:) a week after my doctor visit. So, I saw her this last Tuesday. Little progress was seen on the bp drop, though pulse looked good and bp is lowering some. So, she doubles the doubling. Now I'm on 40mg fosinopril. Thankfully, I had been skipping one methylphenidate occasionally as it was a bit potent. Trust me though, I take all of it now and it has become a bit tight, though I am much more functional than on 10mg with nothing.

Life has been a little choppy, first from having no "boost" on the system crashing med, then having too little or too much boost and med changes. I think I am finally to something called minimally self sustaining, if still slightly erratic trying to keep a day schedule. Sleep is harder to come by, but function is generally much improved. I do fear more medicine, different medicine, etc, but I’ll go with it as far as I can function to do so.

I have started the process of buying a new vehicle (Nissan Xterra Off-Road most likely). I have test driven the Toyota FJ Cruiser and will test drive the Ford (Explorer) Sport Trac Monday. I am weighing these vehicles, finances, Mum’s input, etc. I must go slow, check, and plan, but I also need to do this sooner rather than later. I planted several herbs (hyssop, basil, Marjoram, and Parsley all but basil has sprouted!). I've been keeping myself and my “man thing cave” much neater. I've been getting out a bit more, I'm trying to devise a work-out routine, and I have a few old and new hobbies and projects that are back in play or starting up (golf, camping, target shooting, fishing, and hopefully some snorkeling and hunting this summer and fall respectively, thus the target shooting).

I see life hasn't changed all that much, and the world doesn't know and doesn't care what is happening here (which, to my thinking, is a good thing). World and US tragedies, successes, politics, and all is always right where I left it though some of you all change, just a bit here or there, so nothing important is exactly the same. I’ve been stopping by several bloggers places and leaving my typical little “gifts” (I’m sure many are as potent and welcome as subpotty trained peoples “gifts”, but…). Even when I can’t blog or even comment, I can at least browse your minds and intent, and even in Difster’s case, learn and change just a bit from you all.

Hopefully I’ll get back to this with some ideas I’ve had soon, ideas which have temporarily flitted from my grasp but might well come back better later.

The jester does more then jest joke.

I may not be Einstein, though I don’t think he was either. I’ll save that topic for another time. I may not be Sir Edmund Hillary, who by the way, I fully agree, was indeed Sir Edmund Hillary. Heck, I’m not anybody famous and not even me half of the time, in that my thoughts and spirit seem to be away in their own worlds leaving what appears to be me as just a shell which does it’s own thing. Still, this day I have combined enough personal elements to do a task. My roman shades and curtains have been installed. There were a few complications, several rethinks, some learning, and I really had to focus to keep on task and consider the various options and choices rightly. But honestly, it is quite simple. I had never set up shade pulls before, so that was new, but if you can pull a cord through a set of small spans several times and in several possible ways, and then by trial and error figure out which one works and how, you get a star right on your cute little 5 year old forehead. The task would be a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most difficult. No, I’m not a carpenter, mechanic, or a scientist or physicist. Any adult body should be able to do this.

I have also been getting caught up on other household chores, the kitchen is being ordered and the linens and clothes are nearly laundered. It’s turning into a very pleasant day. Though work is work, it is pleasant and I enjoy it when I am able and can organize it and stay with it. I will enjoy my apartment and my life so much more when these tasks are complete that I am not truly be able to express it here.

The window treatments will not win me any best design awards. I’d be surprised if my lady friend approves. But the devices, panels, and cords are straight and functioning, the double layer of modesty I have so long desired is in place, and I like the look, I did it myself relatively quickly, and with out wounding myself or damaging the property. The boxes and tools have all been put away except for the cordless drill, which is staying out until I have both of it’s battery packs charged. And, really, I am pleased. I will truly enjoy the ribs tonight, my reward is two fold and more.

Now, to put my actual boots on and check my mail. It’s been a few days. Should be nice and cool out there too. If I am not wiped out tomorrow, I should start going through some math. It can really sharpen up rough edges of the mind’s capacities and it’s almost a compulsive behavior once I get on a roll. I don’t know, I just have to tighten things back up. Perhaps I can then get back to writing thoughts and doubts rather than mundane daily drivel that means even less.

Today, not tomorrow, or yesterday.

I had forgotten that I would write about my experiment while roasting turkey. I had included brats in the basin and I had added rice. I had hoped for a mixing of meat flavors. Well, it did not really work. I probably will do the rice part again, adding a cup and a half of rice, though I will only add it for a half hour next time. The brats where fine, but just plain brats. I do not know about the juice. I gave that over to my friend so that she could make soup, which she indicated she would share, but I have not heard back about the soup or even if it was good. The rice was over done, though sufficient to consume. And of course, the turkey had zero change. However, I would like to figure out a way to produce a multi-meat flavored dish with the water in the roaster. It isn’t just to fully utilize the heat, I’m not that conservative. I am trying this in order to get the fresh cooking juices of the meats to blend in a savory manner. I will continue thinking and experimenting. I have plans to cook another turkey sometime in April or May. I am sure there are recipes out there, but I like inventing my own wheel to the extent that is possible, then comparing processes and ingredients as an afterthought regarding cooking, and actually, with much of what I do when I can do it. I’m considering roasts or stew meat. I could see adding beef, lamb, pork, a combination of two of those, or all three roasts or cut, floured, and seared pieces of stew meats. Of course, I season things well, lots of this, bits of that, some of this, and all with some salt. My herb and spice rack is large, with 40 spices and herbs available. And, as soon as I am more mobile, I would like to start a minor potted herb garden. Fresh herbs produce the finest results in some cooking, fresh salsas, and salads.

Now, I don’t really love to cook if I do enjoy it at times. The mechanical “work” is just that, but the “chemistry” aspect is fun, that is, getting a very specific grouping of flavors using spices, herbs, and varied ingredients. I love to eat, and eat well. I have an idea of what certain foods should taste or feel like, al dente for pasta, medium rare to rare for beef, done yet juicy for foul, etc. and I target that. I have only ever had once girlfriend of several past loves who could cook a good meal regularly and the way I like it, an older woman of course. But in those days, I was in the market for the wrong kind of woman, perhaps that was a hint from God? Cooking is the only way to eat well in a cost effective manner. The main drawback with cooking is dishes. Some of my favorite meals utilize many devices, mixing bowls, pots, pans, and utensils, then the serving ware, plates, silverware, and glasses make for a pile of dishes even when I am able to keep on top of kitchen clean up while cooking. Being a current bachelor, I can skip the serving ware, use paper plates, and minimize in other ways and I do for lesser meals, yet it’s still a good deal of work and I am not a natural multi-tasker, so it’s only three times a week that I make a complete meal while using the time between them cleaning up. The rest of my meals are quick foods and leftovers.

Onto other aspects of life. I picked some curtains and roman blinds for my living room and they arrived some time ago. I am hoping to get those up today. I’m still not up to leaving the house, but I might be able to get this done. It is easy work. It will require some drilling, measuring, and a few other odds and ends. Yet, in my foggy exhausted condition, this is a tricky thing. To think I can get an A+ in engineering calculus II and have trouble with this today is a bit troubling. Still, I can fret about it and moan, or do what I can. So, today I’m going to put my proverbial boots on and put my hands to the labors they are able to do. As well, as a reward, I purchased bone in beef ribs. The way to a man’s heart, attention, and action is either the promise of food or loving. Since I am solo, my options are somewhat thin. So, it’s Ribs!

Have a good day all.

The world is turning and on all it's axes.

My mother is the mayor of a very tiny town. She has been the mayor of that town three different times. She has never been voted out, she gets tired of the task and tells the voters she will not take the position if re-elected and means it. She is embroiled in a major local issue and is trying to lead the city in a direction that seems wise. In her corner are the people who donated the money to the city, the local school system, and a majority of the town folk. In the other corner is most of the town council. She has always been a bit of a scrapper, and when she is right she really is a force of nature. Still, being enough like her, I know this costs her a great deal personally. So, I worry a bit. She might be a battle axe, but she is a sweet and sensitive one, kind to a fault if demanding beyond reason at times.

What is at issue is what the city should build with $25,000, donated by a local company specifically to enlarge the cities ability to facilitate people at city council meetings and fund raising events. What the city council wishes to do is to build a large shed for city owned tools and such. What she is trying to do is join with the local school (who will add $100,000 to the project) and build a combination bus barn and community center. After speaking with a lawyer, it seems that the city and school can make a legally binding agreement which would ensure the city doesn’t lose the facility if the school closes and or is restructured. The contract might even yield the whole of the facility, in such cases, to the city. The school has also agreed to pay for all utilities if the city will offer free water from the city pump. She is the only Democratic and female candidate I have ever voted for, a thing I remind her from time to time with wonder, joy, a little humor, and a bit of humility, and I am pulling for her. It was great to be able to tell my Mom that I am proud of her. I have asked her to save all the clippings and perhaps get her local interviews recorded. And I will be calling a bit more often to support her. This isn’t her first brush with local fame and history, but this time I want some of the recordings.

The next topic is a thing I read this morning, though it’s not new I had some ideas stem from it. Tax shelters in the Netherlands seem quite an issue. Far from being against such a thing, however, I am contemplating how the average man could group into an association in such a way that his income, linked with many others, is cleaned of taxes in that country. What about “give unto Caesar…” and all that you say? If you think you aren’t paying taxes by not paying income tax, you just do not understand. Almost every consumer item you buy is taxed. Sure you say, but that’s just 5%, right? NO, it isn’t. It is 5% of the purchase price, regardless of your income, and that is just federal tax, not including state and local, gas, licenses, and whatever other scheme they are using to gouge money out of your working stiff back. Doh! You are giving and giving and giving to Caesar and you are not getting much back much, and a good lot of what you are indeed getting you probably do not want (abortion center support, the homosexual agenda, multi-cultural aggrandizement, government land theft, added costs to people and companies through unfunded mandates, and a lot of other craziness. We need a taxing and spending revision, desperately, and this type of action on a grand scale might just do that. Oh, I know it’s a pipe dream. I will add though that the very liberals who are pushing for increased taxes and government spending in their countries should NOT be allowed to take advantage of this. U2 was caught with it’s liberal mouth flapping while it’s money is in the Netherlands.

The last issue is a hopeful thing. After years of searching for a medical solution, I may have found something. I can’t quite be sure. After looking over an initial page I found, indicating suspiciously similar symptoms, I saw the link to go their main page. I was thinking, honestly, “Here is where they ask for my credit card number”. Bummer, no credit card needed. Well, bummer for my cynicism only. This site not only offered a more full explanation of the problem but a free and complete explanation of what this man, and now many others, used to free themselves of this difficulty. Beyond, it explained that this isn’t foolproof or absolute, it’s not a cure in other words, merely a treatment that works for the most part. My, the advice is free, it doesn’t make a guarantee, the author isn’t involved with the manufacture or sale of any of the system, and there is a simple and inexpensive positive test to see if this is the problem. Did I just fall off the cynicism band wagon, or was that thump my jaw hitting the desk? Anyway, I have something to run with while I check into this. I’ll be going out today to see if I can find a simple oral pH balance test strip kit. Updates to follow. Oh, I sent an email to the people after I reviewed a good bit of the page but before I stumbled onto the part about pH testing. I have already received a reply this morning, with advice to test for pH, and even an offer to speak with my doctor regarding this issue! I’m afraid. I’m afraid I won’t have a pH difference. I am afraid I will have a pH difference. I guess the potential for change, good or bad, is a fearful thing. I don’t even want to link to their page out of fear it might be shut down because of me. Am I paranoid? After 20 years of living with a crippling condition, that is an affirmative.

Ok, I want to get there. Maybe knowing where I am at will help.

Being off the medication has allowed me to be more functional. Note, I said more functional. I've been getting up around 4:00 am, fussing about doing a few house chores and looking over the news and the blogs to try and wake up. It's now 6 hours later and here I sit still tired. I will be tired all day, but I can force my self, for the most part, to stay up 14 to 16 hours. I have enough energy, now, to do some of those tasks that just hadn't been possible on the blood pressure medication. But I am still limited, too limited.

I did purchase a swim pass, but exercise was not really helpful in the past. I was swimming regularly without good results. I finally quit because the schedule kept changing, sometimes many children where present, and the swim times were usually in the 6:00 am time frame, while occasionally being canceled without notice. I guess I'm picky. Anyway, the new swim area is more adult oriented and the is available daily, regularly, and at decent times. If nothing else, I will be in better shape while I waste away

The doctors just do not seem to know what to do. And, once I was labeled, rightly or wrongly, as a depressive, it seems difficult to receive more than sympathy and happy pills as their offerings. I'm not "unhappy" if frustrated, and those medications did not work, so I am assuming that is not the problem. What in the world could cause such exhaustion and for such a long stretch of time? At least my vital signs show oddities, spikes and drops unrelated to any real causations. I have even been diagnosed with severe type II diabetes, for a while. I had a count of over 500 for a month, and with a fasting blood test the average had been 350 for the previous three months. My average is now one 112 with occasional fasting spikes of up to 200, without any medication including the insulin shots which I unceremoniously stopped taking due to drops into the 60’s range. Pulse seems to jump, randomly it seems, to as high as one 125 resting, though averages around 92 to 95. And my blood pressure, though in the 170’s/110’s range, can dip precipitously while the medication seem to have only little effect. Interesting, but nothing seems to fit a diagnosis that I can find. I do my own homework, with my limited knowledge.

Anyway, I tried to get to church yesterday but the buses were running irregularly or the weather was slowing them down so that I did not catch one in a timely manner. I am going to have to figure that out because either their pamphlets are wrong or yesterday and a few other days were just off for them. I did make it to a church related group last night and really enjoyed the company. It will be a weekly thing, and I have a ride set up now. For some reason, I could not get a cab last evening, in spite of trying for over an hour in advance of my hoped 7:00 pm departure time. I really have to get a winter vehicle. Ah, but my savings. Choices, conundrums, and folly, maybe I should just hand the man my wallet and shut up? Ha Ah well, it all works with a little patience and considered thought. I will not be making it to church this day, I just can not do it.

I guess what I am left with is not answers, but questions. What I do with the lack of answers and, often, viable solutions, might well mark whether I have character or not. Thankfully, that will be for another to decide, but it is my task to make that decision easier. So I propose today, tomorrow, and which ever day I am able, I will just get up, do what I can of that which is left to me to do, and keep pushing. I will either push through to function or just push until it is my time to, hopefully, graduate to a place of maturity where my efforts will be truly fruitful. I still have much to be thankful for, and I am, right here and now. I have a place to call home, some friends who dare to disagree and tell me the truth, food to not only eat but also to enjoy, things to tinker with in my play pen, and faith, hope, and charity which I have received and earnestly try to fulfill. Not bad, in the long and short of things.

Do we ever grow up?

I have to laugh at myself. Sometimes I can be such a grump. Mornings are worse than other times, but I won't limit myself to that time of day. I can also sit on the pity pot, worry about things that are fiction, still find my big toe a thing of interest and curiosity, and all kinds of nutty things. Now, I enjoy these things, even if they might mean I'm still a kid. But I thought I would grow up someday! I thought growing up meant that my feelings wouldn't be hurt by relatively unimportant things. I thought I'd be used to my body and it would become purely utilitarian, not the sensational, sensitive, interesting thing it seems to be. I thought I'd say something and it would be said correctly and everybody would understand, which also means all the other adults would be just as mature as myself. So, what happened?

Funny thing, I guess, but the fact remains. I don’t believe I will ever fully grow up here. This isn't the place for it any more than the womb was the place for me to get my first college degree. There like here, it's icky and confusing and confining at times. This has been a disturbing and recurring wonderment to me, maturity, it’s definition, and it’s resolution. One which I am finally writing about and exploring.

I must add, I actually love life even more when I view it this way. It means my seemingly lost childhood is only as lost as I choose it to be. Sure, I can be more decisive now, I can be more accurate, and sure of my thinking, and I can iterate or write my thoughts more concisely and clearly then when I was a physical child. But knowing that I am still a child in the whole of truth, I can enjoy my world, I can understand my foibles, and I can manage being wrong at times because I know I am still a child. I also know that there will be a place to mature more fully, though somehow, I don’t think my early perceptions of maturity will be as sterile as I had thought. As well, these considerations allow me to get over myself. Which is precisely why I am writing this evening.

This morning I was put out, upset about the oddest things. I didn't quite have a tantrum, it was more a snit. (I like that word, it's fun and oh so appropriate sometimes) I was, as I see it now, quite wrong and silly. But that is ok too. It is ok to miss the mark. It is ok to be stupid, ignorant, wrong, foolish, and many other things so long as I can recover and put things back into place to begin back on the right path in the correct direction. Not all words can be taken back, not all actions can be undone, but since I share in the right society, forgiveness is handed out like the sweet candy it is. This doesn’t give me a free pass, however, it only is something that I can hope for and ask for, not expect or take for granted. It is a gift, if it flows easily at times. And, as the wisest has indicated, it must be asked for in humility and with true regret. Wisdom and kindness, forgiveness and friendship, these things are gifts. I am only glad I have friends who have these to give, that I know people who share these things. That though I live in a harsh world, men are different and some choose these things rather than the natural order. And, I appreciate their charity. And sometimes, the charity I receive will be for and from me. How odd that seems. My lessons, of course, continue.

Yes, life can be very good. People really are special.

My foolishness, but I'm working on it.

No snow today, the sun is out and it looks to be a decent day. I'm sure it'll be cold. It always is the day after. No problem, I enjoy the cold compared to summer heat anyway. I forgot to add, yesterday when I started digging out, I found a plate of COOKIES! A neighboring family had left it for me, with a nice drawn and colored note thanking me for being a great neighbor. I guess even grumpy old guys get a little sunshine sometimes. I don't deserve it, but the cookies were a great treat and the note went on the fridge as a reminder of good things.

Now, to my foolishness. I have been perusing other people's blogs and leaving comments as if I should. With lots of time, I can leave lots of comments. After reading along for a while, I jump in and write. I sometimes write things that I probably shouldn't. I am also greatly and often misunderstood. I take a certain part in the blame as I do write off-hand and do not always edit well. Even when I do, my words can be so oddly misunderstand that I don't understand the responses. Given the one dimensional nature of blogging and responding, this should not come as surprise, let alone cause hurt feelings. I don't know anybody, truly. Yet, it ends up doing just that. Of course, it happens just as often in real life. How could we edit our spoken words, rethink what we are saying as we are saying it, or do we assume a relationship is closer than we had thought? How often do we run into diametrically opposed thinking without having a hint we are about to do so? This has caused me to rethink some things.

Should I continue to comment? I'm really torn on that. There is very little I have to offer. Most blogs seem to be focused around a primary commenter circled by people who seem to hold similar ideas as a general rule, with slightly different takes on various issues. Being what I am, I have very little in common with most people as a whole, if parts of our lives may be similar. Currently, I hold no degrees, even if I probably have enough credits for one, so I am not an expert. I am not brilliant nor wise, in some ways I am like a dog. You either like dogs or you don't. If you like them and want them around, you must understand that they will, at times, do things you don't like. But that isn't for me to decide. Perhaps I shouldn't be involved. I will be thinking about this in the next week. This whole thing just helps me understand more clearly how foolish and perhaps sentimental of a man I am. As for suggesting that I get a life, well, why don’t you just tell a paraplegic to take a walk? This is it, for now, with what I have.

On the upside, I have a few more COOKIES. I feel a raid on them, to secure and protect them, is in order.

It's snowing again. (so I can just ramble)

I don't know how much we got, I just know my monster snow blower acted like it was choking. I had to shift down in a couple of places and go over a few other areas twice. No problem, it's fun! It has 6 forward speeds, 2 reverses, an electric starter (which I never use), and looks aggressive. Since I have no where to go and nothing to do if I got somewhere, I can just enjoy the snow and play with the snow blower. Heck, I even do the neighbors drive and sidewalks if it needs it. Funny, for as bad of shape as I'm supposed to be in, I can shovel or use the machine for... well, till it's done, without a problem. (I have a 30 ft double drive with about that much distance of a wide sidewalk in two directions, sometimes I shovel (means I forgot to get gas, ha).)


Since ending my blood pressure medication, life is starting to improve. I haven't made it to daily Mass yet, but I am thinking tomorrow (using mass transit) it should happen. The great thing about daily Mass is that I feel like I'm making up for the times I really can't function to go to church. I would go anyway, that's just a perk. Going on a visit to God's house on a daily basis sets things right and lends perspective to the rest of what I see and hear. It brings no small peace and lends to certainty, a surety of character in the great confusion that is life.

To make life smoother and control the input I receive, I've made some changes in my life. I've dropped television. I preview movies, harshly, before considering them as possible entertainment. Yes, ok, Jane Fonda does not find her way to my tube, nor do many of the others, it's not just content. My books are all Christian, history, math and science, classic reads, or combinations of those. Only my music remains somewhat dubious, with Monster Magnet being a favorite, along with Motorhead, Metallica, AC/DC (my first rock, I had to buy it on the sly and smuggle it to my mini domain in my earliest teens), though I also enjoy Meatloaf's newest (sent from a very good friend, and being enjoyed greatly) Marlene Dietrich, Bonne Raitt (crazy liberal, but aren't they all, but gorgeous and a golden voice), Connie Francis, George Strait, Garth Brooks, Bjork, Cohen, and even Astrud Gilberto, many classic and baroque recordings, and probably a thousand more off and on favorites. So I am not quite free of some bad influences and I've gone as far as I probably will for now with that. ("I'm still alive" is playing in the background)

A fellow blogger brought up an issue that hits home, in an article titled American Culture: Pejorative to Character. The idea that we, Americans, buy way too many useless or frivolous items. I must protest! I NEED all these stupid things! Oh, alright, he is right. It certainly hit a nerve, but in the right way. And yes, I'm doing something about that too. For years, I didn't think I'd be alive tomorrow, literally. Well, tomorrow seems to have come and gone and there is some historic context which indicates it might do so again for a while. Therefore, I have started a savings plan. Why I am saving I am still unsure. Maybe when I am 70 I can buy a car? HA No, I should be able to buy two by then;) Truly, I am unsure. Though I would like to buy a house... someday. Here in Iowa, in the right town (most of them), I could outright buy an excellent starter house with two years of my savings (if I keep my hand out of the kitty) and still live decently with a few new toys occasionally and my weekly steak and regular good eats while saving. I wonder if that is some of the problem with other savers... motive. I know training was lacking in my case as well. I was raised by a single mother who understood money... you spend it. Ackh . I love here but she shouldn't be near a nickel. Of course, Mummy isn't my problem. I reject Freud, outright, and in more ways than just this. My Mom got me to 18, alive and well. I'm rather grateful, knowing me as I do. I think the only reason I am able to do this is that I am no longer bombarded by adds. I don't listen to the radio, I don't watch tv , I don't read papers, and I have a pop-up blocker and heavy duty security suite, so I am no longer influenced. Yeah, I think that's the reason we do that. ("Would you listen now if God could talk" in the background... Oh, one more time)

You know, there does seem to be a theme in there, as scattered as it seems. I apologize, this was supposed to be a ramble. Probably geomotry or trig blocking my thought randomizer. Anyway, I've been a good boy and will no go raid your blogs:) Bye, or, see you soon?

All real conservative candidates please raise your right hand. No, no, that's your left!

There seems to be one. Out of all the candidates I have seen so far, none were conservative until now. The Republican party is pulling in almost as lame as the Democratic party, perhaps more so given the intellectual handicap of the left which means the conservatives should know better. Then again, it seems that there isn't a conservative movement in the country politically at this time, except for half or more of the population that is. It seems there may be one conservative in the running.

He doesn't have a great chance. As a fact, Republicans seem to be scattered, weak, and turning to the middle and left rather than working with their supporters and each other, which bodes ill for any single candidate, but more so for one of a truly conservative nature. It is odd. I know when I am lost, tired, vulnerable, weak, hungry, or confused, I go home. For me, this behavior indicates where the Republican party does, or thinks it does, get it's support. Which is fine except it means that our government isn't really ours. Of course, there is some truth to that and it has always been so. Governments are too big to ever be personal, clever enough to be specifically helpful, or wise enough to be sure. So, a good government is a weak, impersonal, somewhat ineffectual one. That being said, logic doesn't always care for emotion. And it won't help a conservative get into office.

Why should a government be weak, small, impersonal, and ineffectual? Because the only way to streamline them is to create a dictatorship or absolute ruling body. Though that seems like a plan to some in that divisiveness and decision making become instant and dedicated and lots of promises are made like free medical care, free education, free housing, free whatever (these do not come to pass, considering value given for product received, if any product is produced at all), the larger and longer problems always outweigh the short term "gains". The long term consequences include, though by no means are limited to; the fact that the decision making is still done by men or groups of men with their inherent foibles, prejudices, and ignorance; the system ends up rigging the financial systems to favor the ruling or their associates, which dampens or eliminates competition, which limits choice and availability of products and services which kills innovation , robust markets, and economic upward mobility. As well, even these governments fall into the ineffectual category once they realign the social and political structures, more so than the one they replaced.

On another issue, I use the terms "left" and "conservative" as it is my firm belief that the "left" and the "right" are essentially the same as they are politically bantered about today. Hitler was said to be on the "right", Stalin on the "left". Hitler WAS to the "right" of Stalin, but only in a minor way in that he didn't nationalize industry (or, as much). The rest is quite similar, such as women's suffrage , national bans on personal firearms, draconian police and intelligence services (police states), indoctrination, genocide, anti-religious attacks (200,000 Catholics "disappeared" during the Russian revolution, not a trace of them in any paperwork or graves even today) with Hitler himself indicating that Stalin and communism where "great" sources for his principles of governance. So, I don't say conservatives are on the right. So, though I believe there is a left and right in politics, for the news industry, academics, and other pop "great thinkers" of our time, the spectrum is between Hitler and Stalin, not between freedom and totalitarianism.

Back to the issue. I truly hope Senator Brownback is able to at least be allowed into the debates, though I am not holding my breath. I am hoping if this happens, he might go on to win the nomination, though I have my doubts. And it would be great if he could actually win the election, but that just isn't possible, probably. I might have to send some money, if I see his campaign making inroads. But I think this next election is sown up. Beyond that, I don't think a president has as much power as people think. I also don't believe a complete and true conservative government makes that much change, despite those who say President Bush and the Republican Congress wasn't conservative, the facts are that it was, if a milquetoast variety.

Back on track?

Yesterday was great! I woke up quite early, around 4:00 am, and stayed up until 21:30. I did take a one hour nap, but forced myself up as I had a task to do for a friend (I roasted a turkey) both for her dinner and which we will now split. I am a bit more functional and certainly have better memory function and concentration. How am I doing this? I had to stop taking my blood pressure medicine. Yes, I probably will die sooner, but who wants to live an extra 20 or 30 years if it's to be catatonic as an induced side effect? After four years of wasted life trying to find a medication or regimen that doesn't cause this AND lowers blood pressure, I have decided to end this little experiment. I won't try other medications unless the doctor can give me something that deals with the side effects. There are many things I want to do. And, even if my life is cut a bit short, I will do some of them rather than live long and do nothing. I am still going to be limited, at times, yet not so strictly or often.

The turkey turned out well. When I decided to roast it this time, I wanted to try an experiment. I always add a bit of water to the roasting pan, this time I wanted to use that water. And, since I like mixed meat flavors, I decided to add bratwurst (hand made type) to that water, and I added rice as well (though the brats were added in the last hour and a half and the rice only for the last hour). I have yet to see how that part came out, but I will be writing on that as soon as I know.

If life is an oyster, more than half it's mass is waste and when it does produce pearls, you still can't eat the pearl. Go figure and swallow it carefully.

Ah, right, where was I?

Sorry about that, but when I need sleep, replying to blogs, eating, and managing bodily functions is all I have to offer the world. So far the world hasn't voted me off the island, so, I give what I can. And, if you are reading this, I have no doubt that you know what it is I offer. Opinion, of course, you guys...

The world seems to be changing, people dieing, wars being waged, new officials taking office, and you know what? It's the same as yesterday, I swear it. More, it's like two weeks ago when I did the braindeaddive into Sleepyville . I used to have to deal with depression. I thought it was because I became unable to stay awake and enjoy life. Not so, little friends, it was because nothing ever changes. I've gotten over depression, in spite of that fact. Woohoo... I should take a nap.

Now, there are good things to be said about balance and status quo. I am a republican and conservative, after all. But when the balance is off kilter to the left at least twenty degrees, it's annoying at best. What I propose we do about it is... Exactly, I don't have a clue. Voting won't do it and I'm getting a little old to be revolting (though some liberals think I am revolting, and in there case, I am). Why don't we talk about the weather? Oh, right, we ARE talking about the weather. I still think, on the odds, we conservatives have a better shot of booting their sorry liberal butts than they have of changing the weather. Besides, I live in Iowa, I wouldn't mind a little added property value with the loss of some of the coastal lands and some extra sunshine. I'd love to have big city folk put into tenements and denied the vote since their states don't exist and they aren't residents, at least until that can all be sorted out. Call it a natural resettling of the Civil War, going back to state and individual power from federalism a bit.

Now, where was I? Oh, right. How to change the political landscape in the United States of America, that is my question. First, we would have to create a group of like minded individuals who know our history, who are civic minded, who believe in this nation, who are able and willing to do some work, and in large enough numbers to be a concern. That might well get the ATF ,FBI, and about a dozen other federal, state, and local entities knocking on our doors. So long as enough of them are in our group, not a problem, otherwise it could get rough. And, of course, there are the state and federal forces to worry about, though and again, with enough mutual involvement, not a problem. So, you see, our rights of association have been weakened. Anyway, let us say we work through that. Next, we need to find the first generation of leaders who know what needs to be done and how, have access to enough of the keys to open the gates to begin restoring the constitution, and then we have to support them. This is my dream, and it's a peaceful one, so butt out if your selling armed revolution, we'll get to the settlements after we reestablish a constitutionally based government. Ok , after that is accomplished, then we have to live with it. Frankly, it's going to have it's own problems. Things you are used to being automatic just will not exist. See, this is the real problem.

Everyone wants change but not one person is truly willing to give up their goodies. Road improvements, farm subsidies, medicaid, tax loopholes, bridges to nowhere, the seeming rate of economic growth (partly fictional), and the like are symptoms that have grown into problems in their own right. So, we have layers of problems with no one willing to sacrifice their piece of the pie, just wanting to not have to pay for it. So, ask yourself, what are you willing to give up? Don't be cute either. And everyone has to give up a LOT to make it work.

A rested mind and body is golden.

I finally caught a break and slept well and for long enough to feel rested. As well, the ability to act has been in evidence. Sadly, I have had little time to write. My computer is ill, so I needed to update this, switch that, remove that, and rearrange, restart, and hope. After 5 hours or a bit more... I have a tolerably less ill machine. hehe I love computers for the Internet , games, and math but I know that it is nearly impossible to keep up on even a single computer. Registry problems, lost links, unknown software, security difficulties, software updates, hardware upgrades, and then you have to learn a dozen programs well enough to have any worth from the thing, it's quite a lot. Isn't it difficult to realize what you are seeing and what I seem to be typing, well, it's all a mechanical (on several levels) and visual manipulation of electrons, created most likely by burning coal. So, it's coal? hehe No, but it sometimes seems like coal would be a better gift than a computer... you can burn it too.

I'm listening to Leonard Cohen. A blog associate brought up the name recently in one post or another. It took two or three days, perhaps, to trickle through my foggy mind and end up playing on my system. I cry the first time I hear it after a long break. I know, silly, but it just is. Though I have only known his music for four or five years, it feels like I should remember him from the 30's or 40's or something. The fact that I was not born at the time or that he was not singing at that time seems to have no bearing on emotional understandings.

After the tears comes a flood of memories and thoughts. An excitement, that coupled with my rested and functional condition, joins to make for a wonderful time. Even the frustrations of working with a recalcitrant computer seem to melt. The waits are not so insufferable and the successes are even more satisfying.

On another topic, I have received some feedback on some of my comments. Some people think I might be prejudiced, that I might be edging around bigotry. There is some wonder about my intentions and considerations, my sensibilities are certainly being questioned. I will say, what is being said is absolutely true. I must also add this, the target of my wonder and doubt is none other than the author. So, should you be so close as to feel threatened by my thoughts, perhaps you should be. If you need a pass in life, if you cannot be questioned or doubted, if when weighed you are found to be wanting, perhaps you should not come here. I do not say this because I could not like you but because you will only be hurt here. You are not yet ready to be here.

There are two bees that won't let me alone.

I've been wrestling with exhaustion for too long now. It's on the downside in that I'm seemingly sleeping 6 hours for every 2 or 3 awake. And for those of you who might think that sounds great, I hope you never get the chance to understand. In spite of the current condition, I have two topics that just won't let me be. I won't be able to give them my usual treatment, but I need to get them off my mind. So, here I go.

The first involves science. I have some problems with science, not in what it is but how it is often used and abused both without and within the scientific community with nary a word of protest. I just think that if I poured my life into a search for knowledge, for truth itself, and I saw that search manipulated in a way that was clearly not true, I would yell until I couldn't. I would write letters. I would talk to everyone in my field. I would write books. I would demand that my peers do the same lest their work also be abused. For who can appreciate or believe men who delve into truth only to ignore that work being bent into lies?

One of these manipulations, which had a tremendous impact, was a book written using data from a specific study. The book often misquoted, skewed the results, or just outright lied. The name of the book was "Silent Spring", required reading for many children and college students in spite of it's known faults. The material in the book led to a ban on DDT, a pesticide that helped rid Europe and America of many diseases by killing mosquitoes, or more, their larva. DDT was banned before Africans had a chance to get and use it in a large enough way to eradicate diseases like malaria. Over the span of the ban (in place since the early 1970's), untold millions have died from the diseases which would otherwise have not been a problem. This, I think, was the point. The reason scientists didn't come forward is that they believe in the need for fewer people. As some evidence, the ban was recently lifted, given that this same population is now in such a desperate struggle for survival from just one disease, AIDs. Now, the scientific community and every group from Green Peace to Sierra has applauded the reinstatement of the use of DDT.

Why would scientists stand, or sit, for this? Why would they not do something if for no other reason than to see truth that they "theoretically" seek be kept untarnished? Why would they want people to die? It is quite simple. It is because they do not have faith. With no faith, how can they have hope? Without hope they are surely lost and doomed. Their reflection in the faces of millions of dead is no accident. Why this is, or how this comes about, is a topic for another day. Even though it rumbles through my mind, I can only do so much for now.

The other topic is whether all men are men. That does sound odd, that is because I am using two different, possibly, definitions. One definition for man is the homo sapien. He is a two legged, bipedal, mammal with a larger brain size and capacity than other animals and opposable thumbs. The other definition of man is that creature definition who also knows right from wrong and can freely choose. So, are all men of flesh also children of God even if they all are God's creations? Most churches say they are all one man. Most major religions do, as well, if they believe in tiers among what they believe to be men.

My problem is in believing all men are capable of knowing the difference between good and evil, and equally but separately that I question whether all men can freely choose. It seems, biblically, that there were other men other, men apart from Adam and Eve. If not, who then did Cain marry? What peoples did Cain fear when he was cast out? Still, that might be debated, and strongly, but it does leave room for consideration. Whether you believe in the bible as fact or are loose in translating, there is plenty of room yet for uncertainty.

Looking around the world, around my block, walking downtown, and going here or there, I see people. I want to believe that they can know goodness, can choose it, and are able to love and be loved. Yet I feel as if this could not be absolutely true. There are too many events that allow doubt. Are we all truly men of God or are there two types of men, one of God one of animal? This question will not be asked by politicians, scientists, or clerics. Perhaps it doesn't matter in the greater scheme of things, but it is a valid question.

I said this was a place where my mind is allowed to roam. It is a place of whispers, questions, doubts, and thought. I told you, dearest reader, that I would not hide my thinking or change my thoughts to fit someone else's mandates, not even the states. You should have guessed by now that I am what I am.

No bloggin, the machine is down.

Hey all. I've got three ideas I have been trying express, but the machine just isn't clicking. I can't tell you what is wrong, but I can say I am a mess. I know it seems as if my writing is just easily written lame material, and it might be for some. For me, it is inspired. I see what I am trying to say and how best I can say it, then I write it and while doing so I look for the correct word, the right phraseology, and sometimes humorous, dark, or pleasant moods to express within the thoughts. At the moment, I am doing good not to drool or at least it feels that way.

I am in the midst of a three week vacation from reality. I call these my accidentally transcendental movements or periods. I'm not always sure what my name is, where I am, or what is going on, but my corpse seems to take care of feeding itself and the other necessities just fine, as well, it stays out of trouble preferring home and safety to excitement or adventure after having had it's fill. I wish I could find a way back and do what I want, like, and feel I need to do, but at least I can tell you and others about it in my more coherent moments. Now I remember one of the reasons why I left Zen, though I suppose I could have been an accidental master once in a while.

I realize I have been writing during this time, but don't ask me I don't understand. All I know is I haven't been able to put thoughts, words, or moods into more than scribbles such as this in... a while? Though I lost interest in the Doors after I found out about the state patrol thing (among other things), some of their songs still have meaning to me. When I am this way, strange that is, people seem strange, women seem ugly, and life is certainly harder.

Questions, questions, are there answers?

I spoke of impetus in a previous post. I have seen men with a will that sees them into and through great hardships on the way to their goals. Sometimes the hardships are a choice or even the goal and other times they seem to be a necessary obstacle. I watch as men climb mountains, toil through mounds of books to gain knowledge, and compete with each other for gold medals. I watch these men contest themselves first, then go on to contest the unknown, the seemingly unyielding, or others who have done the same. I was there once, I was pushing and pulling myself and my environment until one day I broke. The conscious personal self and will were intact and functioning but some, as of yet unidentified part of myself, perhaps my body, survival instincts, and or unconscious mind, decided it didn't like the risks and the effort and perhaps didn't see through to the goal and returns. Knowing what I do, I know I was in extreme waters and that I did go over edges of physical exhaustion, personal danger, and social dangers which I don’t think anyone is made necessarily tolerate. Because of the split, I became trapped in a prison of flesh which chose it’s own path over all my will and conscious efforts.

So the question of what drives a man is of great interest. But I have no answers, only questions, and doubts. How much of this drive is physical, how much mental, how much spiritual? Is it like nerves are said to be in that when it’s link is severed it cannot heal? Is there a work around as can happen in brain trauma? I don’t think my difficulty is purely psychological, nor do I have good reason to believe in psychiatry in general. Of the various treatments for the possible illnesses associated with my affliction, none seem to satisfy my recalcitrant aspect and there is a great impediment in the medical communities will to see if there isn’t physical component to the illness. Only trauma therapy has alleviated some of the harshness and bite, slowing the number of dreams and flashes, evening the temperament, and offering peace of mind when that other part decides to play boss, and on darker days. After nearly twenty years, one would think some recovery would have transpired. I have even considered street medications, yet I know that would be very unwise. Some people are too dangerous to allow their grip on reality to slip, I am among those. No, but there must be another way.

I did have to deal with depression. The depression was real, but it was causal. Going from 120 percent output to backsliding against one’s will in a heartbeat tends to be depressing. Being a functional, life and work loving, playful human who suddenly can’t stand up for lack of energy really hurts. As well, I probably added to my dilemma in those days by very nearly killing myself on several occasions in less than savory manners. Now that I understand there are real limits, that it isn’t my fault or a choice, I do fine. Even when I can’t go, I can smile and I often laugh. When I can’t stay awake for long, I can enjoy tidbits. Yet I know I have abilities that are being lost, interests not being met, and fun not being enjoyed.

I will go through my affliction, as I understand it, and in whole, just in case someone might have a recipe for recovery, an insight I have missed, or even wisdom to share. The main complaint is exhaustion. My body constantly craves sleep. I have been able to stay awake for 14-16 hours a day, drinking 20-22 ounces of the strongest fresh ground coffee available AND lots of sugar once and sometimes twice a day, but even that doesn’t always work. At worst I can only be awake 2-4 hours at a time, sleeping 6 to 12 hours between hours of wakefulness. If I go to the store, go to church, have a meeting, or do anything else, I need an extra 2-6 hours of sleep. If I do two or three things on a day, I pay in sleep for days. There are periods of remission in which I am able to function perfectly normal. I haven’t seen any typical period for either of those modes, any indication there will be a change, nor have I found that stress or other typical problems act as triggers. Winters are harder, though the reverse is not necessarily true in that summertime is no guarantee of normalcy. I do have night sweats and nightmares bad enough that I can pull muscles and recently seriously hurt my foot by twitching?, stretching?, or clenching?, muscles. I have migraines, on the left side of my head, from a point in the center back which moves to cover the width of my left eye brow but back in the near front of my head right behind the hairline and near the surface of the skull roughly in a line. As well, I am always tense, ready, afraid, defensive. And though I have had some difficulty in life, I am not sure they can be the cause. I have dealt with these things and let them go, honestly dealing with them to include caring for parental troubles and other wrongs I have done and which have been done to me. I was never in combat, despite my unchanging unchangeable combat nightmares (I can change most other dreams, for example if falling I can and do learn to fly, if being hunted I can and do become the hunter, etc.).

I am currently overweight. But for someone who rarely walks, never works out, and has no needs which force me to use my muscles, I am extremely strong. My midsection is solid, my grip is vicious, and my capacity to walk outstrips a lady friend (who once a year, more if she can, steals me from the grip of safety and inactivity and compels me to her outdoors world along many and varied paths). It’s like my body and mind has a green light and is ready (rearing) to go but no one knows how to push the start button.

I honestly wish I could say I was as slothful, apathetic, or dejected. I wish I could say that I am too limited to learn. I wish I could say I was physically crippled. Any several of these would explain what is wrong but I own none of them. I have tried thrashing the “dead horse”, I have tried self-sympathy, treats, ignoring the problems, therapy, drug treatments, and everything I can think to change this. I should add, I do pray. Though I don’t expect God to take these things, only that if it his will to do so then so be it, if not I then pray that he allow me the strength to live with my failings. I certainly have learned humility if I have become, perhaps, too self-centric.

What are women?

Women have been people and sometimes objects I have studied. As people, they include my mother, sisters, aunts, friends, girl friends, lovers, and teachers. I have known these women as people who I have worked with, played with, and with whom I have shared care, learning, and various forms of love. The object that is woman is the body she inhabits, a sensual, soft, curvaceous creation. Not all women have been objectified, certainly my mother and girls are precluded from this group. But many other women might receive attention due to their anatomy, actions, voices, or just from my desires and needs. I will not make a claim to understand women, their motives, the physics related to their mechanical actions, or my attraction for them. I just know they are different in form and function. I also know that I am often attracted to them. None of this is fully understood and it is my sincerest hope that it remains a mystery until I die. And yet, I wish to consider and share some of my thoughts about women.

Women seem to have a vast head start in communication, maturity, and perhaps creativity over men which over time becomes more equal if not directly on par. They seem to lack physical strength, mathematical understanding, geometric grounding, and an overall competitive nature, if they may seriously compete with other women. The president of Harvard was kicked out for saying only one of those things, so, of course, I could be wrong. Still, I do not bother to lie for the sake of conformity and I tell it as I see and understand a topic. There are no absolutes, still one can seemingly fly until one hits the ground nose first. Perceptions and beliefs can deceive. I should also add that I do not believe in limiting people, but I do believe if they don't have the ability they should be turned away, which too often doesn't happen.

But this is not what women, or men, are about. What they are about is what they do in life and in relationships. My full belief is that women are lovers, complete, whole, and unabashed. I am not speaking of mistresses, necessarily, but givers. Women give of themselves, their time, their care, and their energy. They give so much it hurts and yet find a way to keep on giving. That is how I see it. There doesn't need to be a logic with it, it doesn't need to be focused, and it doesn't have to be taught, so it seems to me. It appears to be natural. This is where a woman cannot be defeated by any man. I think the women who wage the war cannot ever win, the woman who surrenders will always win. Such is the nature of the imperfect world, or more to my way of seeing things, a reflection of perfection in the act which yields far greater good and returns than any can at first contemplate.

As a Christian, I see in this something Christlike. I see something immortal and holy. Yet I see the mundane humility and grace as well. It is something I admire. And, it is something I do not understand nor have the capacity for in that way or to that level. It is one of the things I seek as I contemplate a wife. A wife I no doubt do not deserve. Though who truly deserves a loving mate? Why, no one if you insist on guessing and fail. Who can truly say they stand in grace in such a way that they can say they deserve love?

Some say strong women are a problem. I think that there are problem women, but strong women are not among them. A strong woman doesn't contest her equality, she proves her worth, she doesn’t demand her way she guides through diplomacy and tact, not outsmarting but loving, she turns the other cheek, and she does forgive. Only an unconscionable monster does not in time see his own faults, understand his wrong, and address it by surrendering himself to his deserved fate. This is where the strong women truly shows her strength and forgives. It's a powerful thing. It is more powerful than any hurtful thing she could say or do. It returns a man to grace, and to her grace, and grants her a true thrall. The servant is, was, and always will be the master, if not the master modern feminism even could understand.

The wisdom of women is known. I know of this mostly from knowing my mother. I have known her the longest so I will speak of it. Now, I would never deign to give my mother an algebra problem, let alone calculus or physics problems! But I would ask her advice regarding really complicated issues such as any relationship, on almost any action (unless I know full well already that the action is foolish:), and about life. Her words and wisdom are only part of what she offers, often what she is giving me is the simple acknowledgment that it is OK and that she has faith in me. It's woven into her words in ways no linguist has ever understood fully and no machine will duplicate.

These things may not be who a woman is, but it is how I know them. I believe these are her essential aspects that in a modern world are overlooked, set aside, or put up like a ball gown which will be worn once then forgotten. With the rush and the crush of hectic life, the world is trying to make women into smaller men and both into machines. She is fairing well, but like a dove in a hurricane, she is losing heart and the United States is suffering with her. Woman is failing and exhaustion and confusion are setting in. She will have to make a choice soon or she may be left with no choice at all. Europe is in worse shape, and more so the farther east you go. Getting to Russia you find a dying people. I still have hope. If women can find themselves and regain their nature, if men can decline to become machines, if they can walk together as they always used to, the contest will not be in doubt.

Notes From The Underground II?

I just started reading Fyodor Dosoyevsky's "Notes From The Underground". Though I won't pretend to think exactly what he writes, that I am a writer of any potential, or that my skills in any way are truly comprable, I will say we have some basic commonalities that are disturbing. It was written in 1864 by a man who was about my age at the time. Now, the book seems histrionic even if somewhat interesting. It is filled with seemingly unedited ramblings only coherent to a degree, as I am reading it so far. I think what I am getting at is that it makes me wonder if men in my age group suddenly drop into some weird way of thinking that just isn't right! Perhaps he, we, and or I am searching for something or just trying to describe what we are seeing from what we have gathered to this point before pushing on through into old age then past to death.

Well, I suppose it might be expected. Maybe more so for those of us who feel we have gone nowhere with our hopes and dreams, seen little of what we might have wanted or hoped to see, and accomplished less knowing it won't get better with age. I suppose there really is no way to capture the world, to put it in our pocket, see all we want, and understand it. Our hopes are beyond us, even should we be fortunate enough to be wealthy, interested, able, and have the time. I should be, and in some ways am, happy to have experienced what I have in life and to have been introduced to some of the things of which I am now aware. It's just that there is so much more... and so little time.

What is man?

I have been considering the question recently. This time in a general manner. Not pertaining to what he might become, what he can do, or what he can learn but only what makes man different from an ape, lion, or mouse. I have said that I do not believe males of the species to be equal, with the provisions given. I believe this too with all mankind. That being said, I go on in search of some essence of the difference between men and beasts. Free will, the ability to choose above and beyond what is learned and sometimes in spite of what would seem to be in our own self interest might be an aspect for further examination. Cognitive abilities that allow self-awareness, independent thinking, and creativity would seem to be a points of interest. And of course, the belief in the God is a topic that might well fit in this discussion.

Some believe man to be no more than an animal, if one of the most advanced, which can be and perhaps should be used as a machine might be used. A biological computer composed by genetic material, played on flesh, bone, sinew, and nerves, ending in the grave. If this is true, in time man will be processed into categories and his lot will be sealed. He will no more understand this then he has ever understood God, but being known his compliance will be assured. I suspect that even if it isn't true, that is where science is leading. If man cannot be used in quite that way, perhaps he can be produced in such a way that he is sure to function as needed or wanted. My guess is that countries such as North Korea, Cuba, the former Soviet Union, and many of the muslim nations are attempting this through selective eliminations, constant and real fear, the removal of the sensuous, an attempt to enforce equality, with various other tools used to varying degrees. I would call it an immersive or organic method of turning men into machines which, to my knowledge, hasn't yet called upon genetics and programmed breeding to it's ends. I would guess a large part of the reason many academics support these states is to study the results rather than any true belief in the systems, even should they support the man as machine or animal ideals. Since World War II it has been regarded as suspect, unconscionable, and often illegal to study human subjects in this way, however, when it is a whole other nation and there are no direct links or possible claims of coresponsibility, scientists are allowed their foray into human misery, suffering, programming, and death to look for the essences and building blocks of men.

My belief is that man is not programmable as a dog, monkey, or pig might be. And more, being far beyond the sum of his parts, he is truly a free being if limited by his nature. The difference could be seen by two men, both given an automobile, the knowledge to operate it, the destination intended by the owner of the automobile, and one being given explicit instructions about how and where to go and the other being given a road map and perhaps some hints. One will do as instructed and be where he is expected to be, within a given variance, at any given time. The other might take the same path, or not, depending on too many factors to attribute here. If speed, safety, or a few other parameters are the measuring stick, the bot man will have the edge initially, but in time the free man will always win. Because the free man will win in the end, I believe that we are born to freedom. Further, it is a part of that essence that separates us from animals.

Does that mean I believe we are driving our bodies? Yes, we are the will and spirit behind the flesh and we are not defined singularly by the flesh, only identified more readily by it. I believe also that as the flesh of men is not equal, so also are the spirits of different qualities. Though there are kinships generated by both flesh and spirit, and in combination, in attempts to create communities of near equals for our comfort and well being and of dissimilar equalities filling our various needs. Here is where I believe my commenter's beliefs might be applicable. Once we are in a community of likeness, our need to find our place and compare ourselves with others continues, creating the ego issues that seem to dominate any clique, fellowship, or community.

If we are free men and not machines, then what gives us impetus? What part does training play? What part does nature play? These are the questions which will help provide some truth. First, I do wish to say that if our bodies are similar in some aspects to automobiles, then we do have a duty, a requirement, to care for our them. This provides some impetus, but enough to deliver a man to the moon for no actual short term or personal, possibly long term, gains except knowledge gained in both the means and the action? That is too doubtful to be correct. What drives men is not visible, it can't be measured in spite of the fact that the attempt is made to do so. Needs and wants might carry some weight in our drives but are too weak, like gravity is to physics, to explain what we see in the overall view. Our impetus, taking us past any real needs and desires and frequently into territory that is against our own best interests, is our own. Each man carries it as he does his feelings, thoughts, and fingerprints. Animals do not do this, they aren't even aware of tomorrow.

Genetics play a part in deciding, to some limited extent, what we might become or be able to do. Does it bind us to limits or greatness or infamy though? I do not believe so. Many men have come from nothing to power, from greatness to ruin, and we see it nearly daily in a country where it is (still, mostly) free to happen. As well, training can be an asset and just as possibly a hindrance. Many of the inventions we take for granted today were created by people who formally simply didn't know better. Electricity was considered impossible as an energy source since it was believed it would take too much energy to send it across a wire, thus destroying the wire and the connection, thus stopping the transportation. Flying in heavier than air vehicles was not possible, in the technical sense, prior to the Wright brothers. Yet all of these men had some education, enough to read, to consider options, and practical abilities to begin a search that would lead them to remove the "im" from impossible. In genetics and in training, we find again that man is neither in complete need nor without some due to these things. In final, these things are not what separate men from animals but they begin to show what some differences could be.

If free will is true, if creativity, original thought, and self-awareness are real and true, is that enough to make man different from animals. If it is true, yes. Proving these things is by no means a simple feat. That being said, proving 1 + 1 = 2 in reality, is also a mean feat, impossible actually. (Any mathematicians out there who wants to be added to my Wilber, Orville, and Thomas list, by all means, let me know. However, if you Google it, keep it. I don't do doo.) Some things are so plain one can't but see them. That certainly isn't proof, otherwise bigfoot, the lochness monster, and UFOs would be acceptable science. The problem with science is that it only models what it sees, meaning first it must see the anomaly then it can only attempt to offer a working design that seems to act in the same manner and then hopefully be reproducible. The problem with sensory perception is the inability to perceive everything, our emotional connection to our perceptions, and and our connection(s) to the subject(s). Still, I believe in the truth of original cognitive actions and free will by men. Just that I am writing this, that I ponder these questions and my solutions as I write, that I am unsure about particular truths and proofs, indicates some truth, if not a proof in and of itself and in spite of the possibilities of errors of this method of discernment.

Beyond these simpler separations between man and animal is "the whole God thing". Many say they do not believe, others are unsure, and then there are the individuals and groups who claim unique and true divine knowledge. According to most religions that I am familiar with, excluding muslim, a man cannot become a practitioner by force, one has to be called to an understanding. One can be raised "understanding" God, but will at some point have to choose faith and then what forms that faith will take. Given this, not all men can believe in God. That man can believe in God is an interesting thing of it's own accord in that having a God places man not at the head of his reality, but as a part of it. It is sacrificing self proclamation and claims to power, greatness, and wisdom which otherwise any man would be quite reluctant to relinquish. It is, in a natural world, an unnatural act. It is this final capacity that I claim the final separation between man and animal.

Finally, I believe the pieces are collected. The evidence is gathered, the doubts have been noted. Statistically, life should not exist. That said, man is just another scientific impossibility. That there are nine billion and more might seem to lower the value of any one, yet that would be a mistake. Man is no animal, he is special. Why he is special is for another day.

On manhood.

It is not always a simple thing to describe an aspect of ones own self. Just being a man should be enough and for the most part it is. Uncovering the truth of manhood seems to be an unimportant issue except at certain points in a man's life, and then only to decide what type of man he might become. As well, the uncovering is done without consideration of manhood but is instead focused on the situation at hand. The first girl that seriously catches our attention and then how we approach the matter is, to my mind, one of the first of these tests of manhood. All through our teens and young twenties we step away from childhood and begin becoming men. Our lives are filled with tests, temptations, thoughts, and teaching.

Traditionally, men have been the head of households, protectors of their family, neighbors, nations, and beliefs, or so it has been said. This is true to some extent, being more true in Christian societies, less true in others. And there has always been a vast minority who have chosen to do harm. The majority of men no longer seem to choose those institutions today, having been 'freed' by feminism and modernism and further drawn away from Christianity, marriage, and social expectations by the laws enacted against there interests in those institutions. In spite of these things, men will always be what men are. As well, the institutions never defined manhood, only one perception of expectations of manhood.

A man could be defined by his needs, wants, or a handful of characteristics such as bravery, cynicism, wit, or charm but all of these would miss the point. Though these things might begin to clarify the truth about the equality of men. That truth being that no man is equal to another. Equality is only sufficient as a theory in order to attempt a basis for law and evidenced purely only as an understanding of God's love for man. Those are the only things to which equality has any claim, despite 'modern common sense'. Most men know this in spite of, sometimes delineated by, socialist laws, feminine input, and group think.

So, how can a man be described? Most men have similar traits. The strength of body separates us from women. The need and will for action seems to be a common trait even for the lowly coward who will take the action of fleeing the action rather than standing spellbound. Men also seem to have an innate tinkerers delight, whether repairing a car, working on a rifle, creating a computer, or designing a gadget, men like to wreck, repair, and create things. Yet no two men are alike. Our differences range from our capacity to think, the ability to act, and the wisdom to choose which of those to engage. Our various abilities singular to each of us. Our primary difference, once inequality is accounted for, however, is our strength of character. This is what any women wishing to be with a man and any man interested in allying himself with another man must directly investigate.

Strength of character, or the lack of it, is nearly decided by the time we reach our early twenties. It is revisited at various times in our lives via tests, and can change. It is how we are best measured. If it is not who we are, it is how we will live within our other capacities. All the great men, even the infamous if in a misguided fashion, have the singular distinction of great fortitude and the will to move that forward through enemies, difficulties, bureaucracies, exhaustion, and the mediocrity of the uninspired to stand triumphant. It is also what a steady husband and father, a great worker, thinker, artist, and any solid man has some significant measure.