I guess any pet can have a chewing problem.

What is up with crayfish? You heard me right. A few years ago, my cousin moved in as a housemate after his divorce. While living here, he though pet fish would be fun so he bought a tank, rocks, etc. Finally, when it was all set up, he bought some fish and a small frog. When he was looking at the bag of creatures pulled from the tank, while still at the store, he noticed a crayfish. He asked the guy helping him about it and the guy told him they don’t even sell crayfish so it would be free, if he wanted it. It was in bad shape, was missing a pincer and most of it’s antennae and didn’t look like it would make it. He took it anyway.

The thing was maybe an inch long when he brought it home and put it in his 10 gallon tank with his other fish. Well, it got bigger. And then it got bigger. And then it ate a fish then another, we initially suspected the other fish. That is, until he caught the crayfish feasting on his favored and expensive (to him) frog’s leg. He was mad! He was going to flush it. Well, I felt for the little hard-case. I bought a 10 gallon tank just for him. He has molted (?) a dozen times since then, he now has blue tint on some of his pincer shell and is seven inches long.

The thing is feeding him was, at first, difficult. I could find nothing in the stores which seemed to fit, so fed him beta fish food. Then, I started to get gold fish for him to try and make sure he was getting something he had shown an interest in eating. He was grateful, they were not. However, everything I have tried to plant in his tank has been chewed and killed, the “seeds” of which, he shreds. So, I recently found food, if not for him, for other types like him (hermit crabs) which he LOVES. Just to see, I also purchased some more goldfish and in his tank they went. They remain, after a month, alive, much bigger, if a little skittish. So, I was thinking to add plants again, which I indeed did to. First morning, today, after doing so, and guess what. They have been dug up and chewed up. Dranged Nabbit anyway. I am going to leave the “seed” remains and see if something will develop anyway.

Meanwhile, on Xenophic 3...

Take your pick.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Your super-secret codename is: Doomed.
	Your mission is... Jump from a boat onto a convertible then onto a train for no apparent reason
'What is your codename and mission?' at QuizGalaxy.com

	Your super-secret codename is: DOOM
	Your mission is... Set each teletubby on fire and bury their carcasses in the abandoned salt mines
'What is your codename and mission?' at QuizGalaxy.com

	Your super-secret codename is: JAM
	Your mission is... Impose freedom in scary ways
'What is your codename and mission?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Where do these thoughts come from?

Some days and some times I don’t understand anything. The universe, go figure. I never understand that but there are times when I am more or less aware of my ignorance. It’s understanding can be tantalizingly close at hand, yet never quite within reach. At other times, it’s a cold hard implacable system that just will not yield to my will or understanding, nor leave me alone with it’s persistent insistent realities. I’m not a physics based scientist, tending to be more akin to the ancient Greek scientists, theorize and leave it at that or if needs must try to use the theory and revert to trial and error like the rest of the successful fools when time has run out for sitting on haunches. Though from what I am gathering, many of the physicists are more advanced mathematicians and theorists than reality scientists these days, who knows. As for you, well, you don’t even know yourself. Just look at yourself sitting there reading this wondering nothing and then realizing I’m in your head. I bet you can hear my words as you read this. Sheesh, how am I supposed to figure you out when you are so open while reading and so closed when in person? Don’t mind me, I’m funnin’ ya. As for myself, some days I’m spot on with personal interprolation of where I was, where I am, and where I am going, give or take. I do what I intend, I don’t fuss with uncertainties, I have strength and will, and my body is my own. On others, like just now, I would be hard pressed to make a plan and see it through over the course of the next few hours, maybe days. My body isn’t quite a prison, but it’s not exactly mine either.

I wonder how many hide this from themselves though, and just do what they must, staying so busy or being required by the circumstances they have chosen to be thusly indisposed for the stated reason. Given my circumstances, how long would it take to become like me? Would most people become like me, sink completely into their psyche, or find some way out? As for me, I’m looking for the door in the house in my mind, in this “thought” my mind is “me”, the door is the “way”, and the house is “my body”. I see the sun shining and the green grass through the windows, yet I know it is winter outside and that there is snow on the ground and clouds blocking the sun. How do I know, you may ask? Because I have gone through that door before. I have been stuck on both sides of the door. And honestly, I am not sure which is worse nor which is better. Warm and safe and comfortable and becoming weaker by the second compared to surviving, thriving, and enjoying life with the risk of failure and a quick or slow, painless or painful death.

I sometimes wonder if I have not already died. I wonder if I am not in purgatory. I wonder how I would know. I wonder what I should do. Then, I know. If this is indeed purgatory, then my only way is to go toward God, follow his words, and never look back. If I am alive, great! Then I won’t have to go through this “again” if I follow my own advice. *laughs* And, in this seeming eternity that has been my life, I only have a few more real time decades or so before I can leave, graduate, or go home. I must say however, that to me, it feels like I have been alive for centuries, millennium, to be honest, even longer. I am no longer too little butter over too much toast, but more a drop of oil stretched over all things somehow. The word “thin” doesn’t quite define my sense of this, I don’t think any word does, none that would mean anything as no one understands infinite.

All I know right now is that I know nothing. Which to my way of thinking, is almost too much to know or understand for one man.

Know it all?

I don’t know how to do much. I suppose I never did. And, there for a while, I wondered if I could do anything based on my knowledge. Then I remembered something. Everything I did in the past was done, if only initially, in nearly total ignorance. So, why this sudden need to be knowledgeable BEFORE beginning a project or new thing? Is it experience catching up to me, that sinking feeling you get after doing something new and doing it expensively or dangerously wrong? Is it being surrounded by people who just say, “You can’t do that.”, as much because they don’t want you to or can’t do it themselves? I don’t know, but I am slowly turning that around.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go out and jump in a fighter jet and just start pushing buttons or something. However, I won’t continue to sit in my apartment and wonder. Take, for example, tree climbing of the rope and knot variety. I just purchased a book and I have been reading it. Money is too tight for a month or two to actually buy the minimal gear, but once that is in play, I am going to go out, find a tree, and see what I can do. I may also head out on white water, take an off-road trip, and begin to reload my own boolets, as they seem to be referred to by the insiders. Yes, I will read, yes, I will use a fair amount of caution, no, I’m not going to just sit and wonder.

As I was writing this, I was fixing up some French press coffee. I am out of milk and not interested in a morning run to the store. I thought a bit and realized I had vanilla ice cream. You know what, you really don’t need to know it all to do it right! Mmmmm, mmmmm.

How is the water?

Plans, plans, and more plans. A fellow blogger and crew are planning a trip white water rafting. After initially thinking I couldn’t do it this year, I have reconsidered after a family reunion fell through. As well, in the same area, is a group of Xterra off-roaders, a club actually, with whom I have been conversing. I could also meet some of them while there. Driving would cost $350 plus in gas. Lodging would cost at least $350 if I stay only in hotels, though I could mix in camping for some of the nights take that cost down by half or more. I don’t have much gear at the moment, but my tent (or even sleeping in my Xterra), a sleeping bag, and picking up a cooler might be enough if there are fire pits. The rafting is about $100. As always, there is food, with the cooler and local grocery stores I could bring that down a lot too. I would just grab some jugs of water here at home, so no real liquid requirements. But there are always other costs which just aren’t, maybe can’t be, forseen. So, $600-$800 planned, less if I do it carefully. Could be a trip is in the making. The fourteen hour drive, though not fun, is not even a major concern.

Of course, there is a little more I need to think about. And, there are a few oddities which bring rafting into question, among them my size. It is fun making legitimate plans, even if it comes to naught I will have a better idea of what trip planning is going to be like. I will be calling the rafting place tomorrow if I don’t get a “No” from the other blogger. This might be the time for me to finally get off my butt and go. Urhm, or not, but if not this time, the time is coming.

The government has you covered, almost.

They will make slaves of us all. If some of the most well educated can be forced to not do their job or if they try, to be forced out of their employment, what will happen to you? I hope you do not vote for free medical care, simply because that is precisely the value of care you will receive, but it won’t be free. Expect a one third or more increase in your taxes. To you who are retired and don’t care what the kids are paying in taxes, this is your future.

Life can be just fantastic, even if only in little sips at a time.

I went golfing today for the first time. Some gents from my Church had talked about this some time back, and it seems like me, took their time making it happen. Well, it is good to know I am not alone in living a complicated, difficult to schedule life, if for different reasons. As well, it offered me the chance to order a set of golf clubs, buy some tees (teas?), and finally just the other day to finally pick up some golf balls.

It was a fantastic thing! I did not hit perfectly, I did not shoot great often, and saying I regularly shot ok might be pushing it. Hitting the ball at all was a plaguing trick. Hitting it straight seemed to come naturally. Getting loft was a bit of a struggle, as I grounded about half of my shots. Finding the ball was fairly straight forward, albeit the ruffs (roughs?) were very tame. I am not sure how far I shot, but my best three were as far as the better golfers or at least in that range and on the fairway. What fun, even if we were rained out before we could finish the 4th hole.

There was another gentleman, of about my size, who was also a first time golfer. Which was perfect, since we were able to share the clubs. He too had a great deal of fun, and has set his mind on a set of clubs for himself. As well, he has indicated an interest in going again and practicing together. To top it off, one of the experienced golfers did compliment me, saying that I had “really” made some great hits. He is not the type to hand a compliment without being literal, and maybe a little impressed. The other regular golfer just sort of looked at me with a bit of surprise, being young and an exchange student, I think he is still a little unsure of his place though so he did not say anything.

I had thought I would get in lessons before we went, but like I am want to do and with my several and varied recent expenditures, I was not able to do so. Actually, I am glad I did not take lessons. As well, I will probably play many rounds to get a pattern down before I go in and try to improve, as trying to improve an irregular shot seems odd to me at this point.

In my opinion, even if you have always been an anti-golfer type, just try it. You don’t need new clubs, most clubs will rent those. You can probably find an inexpensive club ($14 for 9 holes, with a cart, in a generally very expensive region to live). And you don’t need lessons (though I might suggest a course map, as the other new guy and myself fell behind a time or two and ended up ). All in a daysshooting at or nearly shooting at the wrong holes work. I still have a lot to learn, including course etiquette, but I think I will enjoy getting out of the house for even one more thing.

Another new thing is coming up. I feel a bit more comfortable with it, now that I have tried a long feared, dreaded, and sometimes disliked sport and not only enjoyed it, plan on continuing, and did ok for a new guy. I will be practicing shooting my Springfield XD .45 acp tactical (tactical means a 5” barrel, part of the name) in preparation for, I believe, and ISPCA(?) event. I won’t be competing, but I may get to do an un-timed run through the course. I probably won’t compete with this particular pistol, as I plan on having it as home use, personal practice, and maybe a carry pistol, so installing ghost rings and an internal laser sight, none of which is acceptable for competition. However, there are a lot of other pistols and revolvers out there just taking up case or closet space. Sigh, but money is allocated for a bit. With camping gear, climbing gear, reloading (yes, ammunition reloading) equipment, Xterra mods, all in the pipeline, and my next gun purchases probably going for a bear defense gun (either S&W .460 or .500) and maybe a .357 revolver, it would be next summer before I could really look into a competition pistol, all the rigging, and travel and club fees and costs, the pistol mostly likely being a Para-Ordnance .45 acp hi-cap.

What do I know?

I try to keep this place clean of politics, controversies of the popular and typical nature, and just offer thoughts and questions, a few of my answers, and specifics about my life. In real life, I am much more defined, give or take. I have started to wonder if I am in fact hardcore. Well, not that really, as I am. I guess I wonder if I am acidicly hardcore. If I am difficult to be with, repulsive in a general manner, and or too strong in my opinions and beliefs to be enjoyed by fellow humans.

Really, I hope everyone thinks about this. But more, I hope everyone worries about this. I would much rather talk to a woman who didn’t put on mascara, lipstick, or drop a breath mint yet worries about this than a typical non-thinking feminist, lesbian, or rude woman. What about the guy who believes in a government which would suppress my current rights so that he would “feel safe” and doesn’t even realize he is rude or his thinking is extremely debatable and dubious? Should I even talk to those people? Once again though, I am back to my first thoughts. Am I too harsh?

I do not mind asking the question. Though I might have a middling average answer, collected and averaged over a dozen days and with a dozen moods on those days, it is for me and unimportant for others. The outliers, should these data be graphed, can be annoying, debatable, and humbling as I see them. But that I look and worry is a comfort rather than the cause for greater concern. I could ask if these aforementioned folk do the same, but they are not the issue and never will be, for me. Or, at least, I don’t believe they should be.

What the Godless do is of no concern to the Christian should it not be made a concern of the Christian. These things, I leave in their hands, while offering a prayer for them. As for me, I think I’ll keep on looking at myself in relation to the rest of my kindred, for my part. I will ask myself if I am too brutal. I won’t always like the answer, but I know where to go to get straight. I do have some abstract distanced sympathy for those who do not know where to take this should they blindly stumble upon it, but for those who choose not to know I give nothing. Yes, I can be brutal.

Questions? No, just life today.

My health is starting to improve. Working with the doctor, my blood pressure is coming down and I am still able to conduct limited business and pleasure. Sleep patterns become a bit topsy-turvy with each medicine adjustment or addition every two weeks, but when improvements are seen it is tolerable. Function is rudimentary, yet my recent past is my own in that I remember it well and can concentrate much better, if I am not always fully able to act on my purposes. And, I have been able to act on more of them than before; passively, directed, and sometimes actively.

In business, there have been many complications in the buying process with the Xterra. The vehicle runs great so far, but every piece of paperwork I completed in the purchase has had to be reworked in a piece-meal fashion, including the trade-in paperwork. The custom stereo they indicated they could remove and replace with the stock stereo in the trade also remains a problem. I probably will nail my foot to the floor before doing business there again. Even if I was more energetic at the moment, I would not be pleased to have had to make five visits, so far, to complete a deal I had thought completed weeks ago.

Bane has been a great joy to read lately. I probably should hold my tongue more at his place and other sites. Honestly, I have opinions, beliefs, some knowledge, but I am perfectly balanced, with a huge chip on both shoulders, and I am just as foolish as the next guy. As well, my thoughts and style seem to be greatly despised, if not there, then at most places, too long winded and rambling I think. As for the chips, I’ve been whittling them away, as I don’t really need them, might not deserve them, but certainly don’t want those loadstones. It’s a slow process. I’m hoping as physical health and shape come into their own, I can cast the anchors aweigh while severing the chains of the past that bind. No one will like me any better for the loss of chips, but I will like me and life better perhaps.

On other fronts, I’ve been collecting and testing bits and pieces for my planned adventure. I have been testing and enjoying the Xterra. I have started target shooting a bit more. I have been continuing my research into all of these topics, and more. And, I have been staying out of trouble. That last is not so difficult these days, as trouble just doesn’t seem fun anymore. In my searches, I have found much information, and a few interesting extras. There is nothing like running into Zen while reading a reloading forum. As for Zen’s place in my world, I now see it as a philosophy rather than the one-time religious belief. As such, I enjoy it immensely, and appreciate others interest in it, even if their take seems to be of a religious nature.

Life isn’t bad, but I am thinking the place of normalcy and happiness is just right around the next corner. Bah, I might as well admit it, there is no corner to turn for happiness. I’ve always been there, I just don’t always appreciate it. Shhhh!

My mind at work. Low paying job, but it's sok.

It seems there were twenty three visits to this blog this week. I am impressed! Oh, I know, in the blog-o-sphere, that is a paltry sum. But to me, well, it’s a surprise. This blog is more like a child coloring on a sidewalk, never expecting people from the next block to stop by and look. Now, I receive no comments, so for all I know, the visitors are just government regulators making sure I’m not making money, supporting something nefarious, or bored and looking around because they are getting paid to do so and don’t really want to look for real problems. I did say I had a wonderful imagination, didn’t I?

Going back to a previous post, I had indicated that I was going to try and do some introspection. Since I had concluded the outcome of a person’s life based on their actions and analyzed that in a manner that I thought was excellent, I caught myself in that whole analysis system and so I said I would look into my life. Yea, well, I did so and it wasn’t always pleasant. I used my memory, I spoke with others to check my memory against their memory, I looked over paperwork to check some facts, and… I am a liar.

No, I don’t lie when I have taken cookies out of the cookie jar and no one sees me, to prevent trouble, I’m rather bold and would just advise more cookies be bought, might even plunk down for them. I don’t try and tell the officer who pulled me over I didn’t realize my speed (velocity, but don’t get smart). I really just say, yes, I realize my speed (I do think velocity, but that’s another issue). Usually when I’ve been pulled over, I just didn’t realize the posted speed, other times (very rare) I was pushing it, and I tell him this. Why lie? I also don’t lie to girlfriends about my needs or wants, expectations or limitations, or past romances or current interests. But I have lied to myself and others about where I want to be, that, according to my history.

I may be looking for a wife. I may want a wife and children. But my history doesn’t indicate that. Albeit, my interest in a family is somewhat newfound (if always back there somewhere), other stated goals were long standing and seemingly remain. I seem to move, sluggishly, in a direction, and then change course 90 degrees, or more, then change again if I got too close. I certainly have had some major shifts in life, yet I have accomplished nothing. It might almost seem, rather than being destined to fail, I have chosen to fail.

In the final analysis though, I have not lived up to my stated goals. I am, indeed, a liar, maybe a coward, and definitely confused. There is tomorrow. Oh, don’t worry. I am not depressed, just a little disappointed in myself. I don’t hate myself for this. I know there are some legitimate reasons mixed in with the lame excuses. I also know that being a product of my life as it has unfolded is not an easy thing to overcome. I wonder if many don’t end up in these sad worn shoes of life I have on at my age? Yet, as I said, there is tomorrow, and if I have few other things, I have hope. It does spring eternal, and for that at least though truly among many other things, I do thank God.

I'm always late, Mum. But we know...

While reading other blogs, I couldn’t miss the many Mother’s Day missives and thanks. My bases were covered this year, though seemingly more by fortune than by preparation. Having said that, I should add that beyond telling my Mum I love her before ending a call or leaving after a visit (happy ending or sour), I do thank the woman verbally and in gifts as often as I can and when I think about it. Mother’s Day is everyday, for my purposes, I suppose. But all of the reading and what it brings to mind, seemed to bubble up today.

Now, I don’t often agree with my mother. And, I don’t always like my mother. As any businessman will tell you, it isn’t about that. Life is like business in some ways. With family and friends, financial dealings, police work I’m sure, and the military, it’s about getting things done. Our personal feelings and our wishes have to be set aside, at times, in order for a more perfect union. So it is with my relationship with my Mother.

She is the backbone of most of what I grew up knowing as a family. She made mistakes, married often, and moved many many times, with my brother and myself in tow. In a confused 60’s and 70’s world, she sought shelter in a cruel world and found none. Still, she managed to push, pull, help, and love two boys to manhood the best she could. We always had food, often of the good home-cooked variety (something I didn’t appreciate until a decade ago, but now cherish in memory but sadly will never be able to duplicate). We always had decent, if polyester at times (fads, ack), clothing and shoes. We had some toys, a few pets, and were always warm in the winter. Summers in Iowa back then were just what they were, nobody had AC (or remote controls). We also had fun, as a family, and parts of that family, tears too. But the best thing she gave us was the surety that we were loved and wanted. We were both adopted, hand-picked she said.

I know how imperfect mothers can be. I have seen many warts, blemishes, failures, and mistakes from three different mothers, in various situations. And I have hated them all at times, pushing them out of my life. And yet, when in my darkest moments, closer to death than most people get once, let alone three times, in more pain than my body could tolerate and keep breathing even perhaps completely sane, this woman is who I most wished most to have with me. I thought I was steel, and might be, but steel is nothing compared to a mother’s love. I changed. I came to understand what some will never know, and I hope I never forget.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I love you. Yea, I know this blog is late… but is it?

Wedding Bells or a Straight-jacket?

She is out there. I don’t know how I know, but I realized tonight, the woman who will become my wife is out there, waiting. Oh, she isn’t sitting at her table, twiddling her thumbs, not that type of waiting. I had strong feelings that she is out there and I need to find her. I am not sure if this is because I am trying to become active and considering some travel or if it is just the time. Perhaps changing ones life has more impact than one could every understand in such a broad way as to be a miracle of probabilities.

I have no clue what she looks like. I don’t know where she is, except that she is not here (whatever that means), or what she does. I doubt if we will know it when we first meet. I am just sure we will somehow cross paths once, then again, and again, until we begin to see and understand. I am not even sure if we will have children, but I certainly hope so. I am not comfortable with the unknown or waiting, but for some reason I am comfortable with this. And yes, I do have doubts. How can someone know even what math indicates, let alone what some feeling indicates? I don’t know that either, but I do believe this.

Don’t ask me, I don’t know where that came from. All I can say is I have been getting that message over and over the last few days until finally I locked on it and accepted it. It’s just a feeling, I could be wrong and by logic I am, I might be a little touched, or I might be heading into trouble:) But I believe she is out there and that I will find her.

Who Are You Looking At?

I just cornered someone, in a mental conversation (a conversation with a fictional person). I explained my belief, a belief held regarding someone’s actions in a long term series of events, to a third though interested party. I explained how the events were tied to the outcome and that regardless of what the subject thought they thought, they probably either weren’t being honest or just didn’t understand themselves or the situation as well as they had believed. I countered a few, albeit light, counter-arguments and alternative proposals, if I didn’t obtain total agreement with the conversant. The track was very well done, with the exceptions noted. It came to me in an instant, vaporizing fiction to leave fact, and then I created my discussion based on that and the outside source information that had instigated the process.

It is, sometimes, quite easy to see what others are thinking in the end, regardless of what they say. What they do, or end up doing, says more than their words could, and are absolutely and brutally honest. Then it hit me, what can I see in my own life? What was/is my major real goals? Can they be discerned by my actions as clearly as I had discerned another’s goals? I can’t see it at this point, but I am going to start looking. I wonder if others can see me as clearly as I saw the subject. I hope they are as forgiving or understanding as I tried to be with the subject, or at least indifferent. It would also be interesting, if possibly quite difficult, to know.

I am not even sure getting caught in your own thinking like that is a good thing, though I don’t think it’s a typical thing? I’ll have to recheck all of my systems on those two threads. *sigh* Well, that should keep me busy in my own yard for a while, anyway.

Into The Wilds

Wow! So much to do, so little time. Two years and a few months seems like a long time, but when time, money, testing, travel, and just living get rolled up into it, two years seems far too short!

What is he talking about now, you ask? You didn’t read then. Ok, I’ll say it again. I’ve started to make plans for a two year out-door adventure in, or starting in, Colorado. I’m giving myself about a 2 ¼ year lead time to gear up, practice, test my gear, and then go.

I’ve been looking at, and sometimes writing (emailing) everyone from 4x4 clubs, tent/hammock manufacturers, to satellite phone/internet service and equipment providers. I usually do as much research as an uninitiated consumer can do, then pick the items that top the list, then if I have a few questions, I write for more information. I am trying to be careful though, as I am not soliciting, I do not need or want sponsorships, I am only interested in the information.

The list of things to do and check only seems to grow with everything that gets checked off the list. Odd how that works, but it’s the nature of finding out more about that which one knows little or nothing. Modifications to my vehicle (spoke to my dealership and gents in a 4x4 group I plan on joining there), survival medical gear and information, camping gear of all sorts, standard gear like seasonal clothes and foot gear, foods (some no-fire areas require MRE’s or the like), water (systems to store, transport, and clean it), communications (I’m looking at CB’s, satellite phones, FRS/GRMS systems, and ham radios, the last two require licensing and the more here, the better), as well as figuring out what to do with my home furnishings, business arrangements, medical needs, and social and family situations.

I’m rather excited. Yet, all the work keeps the enthusiasm down and adds a sobering effect that may help this thing happen and end well. I gave myself two years for several reasons. First, the right equipment is not cheap. Much of it is up-front one-time costs, but those costs can be significant. As well, I do not want to show up in the wild with equipment that is both untried and without first having experience with it or similar equipment. And last but not least, it gives me time to consider if this is the right thing for me to do. Rash decisions have never been great decisions, and I prefer to leave those to times when they are all that are left. This isn’t one of those times.

Updates and Ramblings

Interesting. After I wrote the post about my dream, in a city where I rarely see police, I counted 8-10 cop cars, and probably missed several, all in one day. Nearly every time I went for a drive, I saw at least two, at different times, often going my way for some distance. I don’t know if they are out for other reasons, maybe they like the new vehicle, or maybe they do scan the internet and blogs (which, in truth, I don’t mind a bit so long as they are legitimate and not looking to just test new powers or bash citizens). Generally put, I do trust them (if that was the case). However, if that was the case, they really didn’t read through the material well, or their reading comprehension or my writing skills (or both) are greatly lacking?

As well, I’m not only clean of history, I’m clean of intent. I have no interest in NAZI’s, Black Panthers, Communism, Socialism, the overthrow of our government, nor hurting anyone or myself. Life is just too good, there is too much potential in both people and their lives to squander anyone’s life. Beyond that, and truth be told, though I am a conservative, I am not terribly Republican or anything. As a new Catholic, I am probably even less interested in politics than even the weak general conservative impetus might otherwise have granted. In finding a home in the church, I have ceded a bit of my political idealism. I guess I know we can’t all get along, but when we can, why not. We truly do live in the land of milk and honey, where the poor are fat and the rich are fit!

I didn’t worry about the number of police (except that something dangerous might be happening, and being a college town, I might never be told of the danger). With the Virginia Tech thing, in the near past, with brutal minded who have lost hope, with the lack of communication in college communities, I think I’ll stay in until the weekend is over. Well, I would like to get to church.

I have been a poor adherent lately. Oh, I pray, usually daily, but I haven’t been going to church. My medication situation (high blood pressure medicine) has regressed, but that may be mediated before long. In spite of getting things done on this vehicle deal, I wouldn’t call it a great play. I was late doing some of the required work, I couldn’t get my paperwork organized, I couldn’t make morning meetings, and just wasn’t on top of it expect for looking at the numbers (all of them) and seeing if it was right for me. As well, targeted meeting times were not doable, etc. So, getting to church on time, even with a regular time has been difficult. Still, I am functioning better when I do function.

The Beast is Prowling

My dreams are often odd, confused, and sometimes frightening. I only occasionally remember them when I wake up, I just have a strange sense of them sometime later, recalling details, places, feelings, and such in vivid colors, odors, and even the feel of textures and breeze or wind against my face and body. They can be reality based, which actually are the scariest when they are nightmares, or more like B flicks (which when scary, I actually enjoy… free horror flick edited for Christian content by my bean, heart, soul, or God), or a collections of ideas, sensual inputs, and or pictures, but they bubble to the surface in my waking time. They can be dreams of the future. For example, I recently (early last month) dreamed that it would snow at least twice more, be very cold around the times, and cold enough that the snow would stick around for a few days at least once. My ex-fiancée laughed at this. A nurse I see on occasion scribbled down a little note (for the doc?). Well, it did happen. No comments from the naysayers as of yet. It was good for a laugh.

Aside from this dream, and my dreams of the Rocky Mountains, I’ve been having odd dreams of a possible very bad near future for the last few years. My dreams seem to indicate that what I am seeing is only a possibility, not a sure thing. In them, the US isn’t lost, but Europe is. As such, we are isolated for the most part. In the US, several large cities and a small city may be bombed, smaller yield nukes (I still recall some of the details of delivery and set-up of the mechanisms and fissile material (separate actions, culminating at poi)), mostly local immediate death, some fall-out victims, and long term but not millennial detoxification (can’t be sure which cities, though Chicago seems familiar, L.A. (I think but I haven’t actually been there so can’t be sure), with other big cities like San Fran, N.Y.C, even St. Louis as possible targets, and the small city being something like Iowa City or Ithaca, N.Y.). The time-frame is five years, plus or minus three years, if it is to happen.

Losing Europeans as allies, currently and with the exception of Britain and perhaps Italy, is almost akin to losing Chavez as a friend, politically speaking (in my oft pessimistic, sometimes quite off, view, mind you). However, even a temporary loss of access to mutual markets, investments, and travel would have a serious economic but also psychological affect. With the Euro/US dollar exchange rate, what is happening with Chinese currency, and a few other factors, it looks like the US is prepping for just such a potential outcome. I may be reading it wrong, but when the dreams started making themselves known, I started looking for indications. The way these things are working, America may be losing some business and trade potential, but it is limiting China’s capitalization of our currency as it ties (partial now?) it’s currency to ours and keeping our markets from becoming more dependent upon Euro trade, all of which would limit our liability in just such an eventuality, while also devaluing China’s enrichment (this point is highly debatable, but not completely deniable). China’s military modernization and build-up could only be ignored by the NY Times, going from a whole military of about 1.5-2 million twenty years ago to a standing army alone of nearly 3-4 million (As I recall). As well, Russia’s policies and hungers are starting to make the scene with every reporter, current or ex-government official, and mogul exiled, tried, or outright killed in an open manner. As well, NAFTA, some of our other free-trade agreements, and our immigration situation all make a LOT more sense within the tactical consideration of just such a future. All of that and what I offer are not guarantees, mind you, but to me these are little indications that the world is not static and is in fact quite politically fragile and potentially explosive, and policies are being explored and activated by each major player nation to seek it’s best starting, mid, and end game position.

As much as I might grumble about “European allies”, “blue” states, cities, and peoples, this scenario brings me no joy. I don’t worry about the economic impact, we are Americans, we will make do as we must. But I do worry about several other things; our response, actually more so if democrats hold majority and presidency (i.e. do not hand a machine gun to a murderously angry peacenik, or power hungry socialist/communist, and I am betting she will get the post); the potential for a major loss in our crop production, with the potential for massive amounts of farm land loss; and of course there is the social unrest that would occur in just such a scenario. All can be contained, countered, and we can continue a slightly more subdued life, but it would take time and time is not cheap. Worst case scenario is if both of these events are timed or coincidental (unlikely coincidences however).

I Don't Know, But I've Been Told

I notice as I debate conflicting ideas either with a friend, or not so much friend, or just ponder other takes on issues or my own takes, I come to a realization that all ideas collapse at some point. Essentially, no idea is infinite, linear, or even fully functional within all but strict artificial parameters, at least within the limits of my mind. I can poke Titanic sized holes in almost any idea proffered. Every argument I play against ‘their’ argument can be played against my beliefs, or most anyway. Now, my ideas have an origin which I believe to be God, ‘their’ ideas, should ‘they’ check, are at best from men (though some are rather carnal or animal based). I won’t negate even the carnal based origins as they are a part of our experience if a mistake to take as either the goal or sum of it. Without God, carnal reality is it.

What it comes down to is faith. Oddly, though I understand I have a faith, and though I understand this faith is nothing if not flimsy to an atheist as an example, I can’t help but know that ‘their’ beliefs are based completely on faith in spite of ‘their’ reluctance to even believe ‘they’ have faith. I am not sure why one cannot admit that one could never prove, let alone outright know, even a tiny fraction of the science one has been taught (dogma). Basically this means that what ‘they’ have been taught is accepted on faith and as such is no more substantial to me than religion is to ‘them’.

So, while I open the door to conversation, ‘they’ shut the door to communication, even personal realization. While I look for and at proof and proofs, ‘they’ close 'their' eyes to my sources of wisdom. While I fail to uphold my faith, then realign, then fail, then realign, in a never ending yet self-aware fashion aiming at an objective ideal, I see ‘them’ fail and write it off as subjectively irrelevant or by a blanket assumption that there are no wrong answers (except, that is, for the answers I offer, or more to point, God offers).

Too Much, So Fast, Yet Doable

I have been wondering about life, in general, in these times. Could it really be much different than civil life 10,000 years or more ago? Have we, as humans, developed added sensory qualities, cognitive abilities, or some other less than identifiable yet enhancing property or properties that allow us to be more than the men from ages gone? For my part, I don’t think so. We have made gains, as a race, but we have also lost ground. I do believe that a child born 10,000 years ago, then somehow transfigured through time to today, and then raised in this environment (barring some sort of handicap of form or function, and all else being equal), would do just fine and nobody would be the wiser.

So, I am left with looking at what we have gained and what we have lost, given the assumption that man has not changed. Our gains are all technologically driven. This technology is based on math, engineering, chemistry, and other hard sciences and medicine. Our losses are based on that same core, and enhanced by the soft sciences, i.e. psychology, sociology, perhaps even philosophy. I will explain.

First, the hard sciences have given men the ability to have a numerically greater and higher quality production system, increasing variety and availability of everything from the basics of food, water, and housing, to wants and partial needs such as transportation, athletics, and time for intellectual interests. Making something like a ten-speed bicycle or a car 200 years ago was not something that could be done well or quickly, if at all. The price, size, and quality, among other things, being limits to general consumption (for example think steam engine car, aka train, today). People in this country lived brutal short lives. As recently as the turn of the last century, there were no real medical schools (not accredited), and many ‘doctors’ didn’t even attend what was available. Today, we live well into our 70’s and seemingly longer every generation. We can either buy a custom piece, possibly produce it ourselves, or buy very good quality mass production items. And what we can buy or buy to make those things is mind boggling. If you want an electric or gas RC plane, a customized automobile, a metal lathe, or a yacht, it is available. And services from haircuts to, massages, to a trip into space are available. At times, it is vulgar what people buy and discard almost as quickly, things an ancient man would have fought and died for and which he would have taken exceptional care (think of how many canoes sit in garages, how many extra cars people have, even fishing equipment that sits idle most of the time) Oh, I’m not pointing fingers, I’m thinking about my own commercialism and sharing my part of it. It seems we have lost value for quantity, needs are so easy that only wants remain. It’s not a complete loss, but it seems the balance is now tipping too far into the loss column.

In the modern age, a man doesn’t need to work 12 hour days or more just to feed, house, and cloth a family. A wife isn’t constrained from work by the rigors of manual labor and the demands of a household. These should be good things, but the law of diminishing returns seems to be mocking man and telling us that at some point, we may indeed eradicate some of our basic human needs that go beyond the basics. At some point, so few men will be needed to make products compared to the population that we will not feel useful, successful, or fulfilled, let alone getting tired enough to sleep well or even digest our food properly. A man from a thousand years ago (or Mexico, Africa, or even parts of Europe) would think he had found the lost land of Atlantis, or the land of kings and queens. And, to some degree, he has. But how many kings can there be before a society fails to function? How many jobs exist, seemingly just to put a man in a place doing nothing but looking busy currently?

As for soft sciences, the reason I put that in the net loss category is because rather than helping man in any way, they seem to quantify men, blending a man with other men, shaving off (or attempting to) the individuality of each one. The ‘science’ ‘loses’ a quality there, a deficiency here, a feature there, until a man becomes men and then just numbers. As well, the information which is of functional use is used not to enhance man but to mitigate or outright control populations, it is used to sell (unneeded, otherwise undesired) items, and to define man as an animal or machine, or as I term it, a biomachine or biocomputer (I use these terms for true animal and other lower species). So, soft sciences are great for the powers that be and for businesses, but they work harshly against each individual man.

As well, I think a major concern in modern times is something that is known, if not on any front burners for medical research (or is wisely kept from the media awaiting solid data). The stress of modern life created by too many choices; too much information too fast, beyond our capacity to sort it, compare it’s value, and then act on it; and continuous sensual stimulation from advertisements, traffic, odors, electrical devices, electrical delivery itself, and even indoor plumbing all combined may be having a seriously debilitating affect on some or all people. If true, expect the next generations to have that problem compounded.

Honestly, little can be done to change this. All each man can do is make his individual choices as best he can, link with others who concur, and perhaps turn off and turn away from what is wrong as he sees it. Perhaps living in a quiet Iowa town isn’t so bad. Perhaps figuring how to live on $50,000 a year is better than making a million a year but not even knowing your family. Perhaps no tv is better than being stimulated into buying things you use rarely, once, or never. Choices, choices, choices, it doesn’t come down to whether to choose or not, it comes down to whether you make the choices or someone makes them for you. Probably more, it comes down to who you decide to trust to make the bigger choices, while you sort the minor life affairs and what or who to trust as a guide for moral issues. No man is an island, that is a certainty, yet too, no island is a man.

My First Big Piece of the Dream

I put my down on this today, should be picking it up as early as Thursday.



It is always a bear getting the deal to work, trades are difficult, and knowing if or how badly you are being worked is not really possible. However, I like the deal, it's within my parameters, it was simple in a mechanical way, and it's done.

It's a Nissan Xterra Off-road with a better than stock stereo, automatic, with a few extra goodies too boot. I wanted the blue, didn't want to wait (supposedly) 6 months.

Update 4-27-07:

I brought her home today. I took her for a drive right off the lot. Came home and my cousin stopped by. Took her for a ride again, he insisted against my great resistance. Came back home. Took her for a ride again. Came home. I think I'll do something novel, go for a ride and pick up groceries (just enough to excuse the late jaunt).

I do like the Xterra, it could move on to love and trust, but I take my time. She is very comfortable and sits quite high (a good high, not tilty or stretched feeling). She has some brass, but after the Camaro, it would take A LOT to impress me. Still, there is a feel of a smaller v-8 instead of the real 4.0L v-6. She is much taller than she appears in the picture above. I can ground step into her, just about perfectly, but I am 6'4"(+). In real life, she almost has the affect the little hummer might bring. So far, so good.

I won't worry about mileage until she has 2k under her belt. And, one immediate mod... synthetic oil. I will have that put in next month (I think, as money goes, you know). No need to break in the engine, so says their chief mechanic.

Technically, it's the 28th as I post, if that's a problem, get a life.

The Call of the Wild

I’ve been dreaming of late. No, I didn’t dream of two more snows, again. The dreams weren’t about current real life or even possible future in a general sense. The dreams seemed to be more of a calling than anything. I dreamed of mountains, valleys, streams, rain, wind, snow, and sunshine. I dreamed of a natural life without schedules, the typical rush, and without most modern conveniences. I dreamed of getting to some places others can’t drive, and some other places not even the best drivers and vehicles may go. It wasn’t an easy idyllic dream. It was sometimes hard work just living. Quite often, most often, it would be considered boring compared to tv, computer games, work, and modern play. But the dreams are powerful.

I am not sure I can make this dream real. But I feel the draw. I don’t suppose I would do it for the rest of my life, but it would be nice to do it for a year or two. I wouldn’t do such a thing just to say I did or to prove myself (did that last, to great dissatisfaction and some small griefs). No, I would do this to reset my priorities, to understand a simple life before continuing with this complicated one, to explore my nation, and for a daily dose of fresh air right up my nose.

Now, I don’t plan to die out there, as many with similar dreams seem to mis-plan to do. I have been looking at everything from vehicles to gps beacons to field kit and food and water, short and long term solutions and possibilities. It isn’t something I could do this year, very possibly not next year. However, it is something I could be preparing to do. I have already started buying some of my needs, testing these where and when I can. I will be buying more things in time and some things over time. Self-heating MRE’s and other fireless food solutions, target practice and perhaps small game hunting experience up-dating, technology studies regarding phones, beacons, and other convenient or “necessary” equipment, general field and location planning, even mail resources discovery. No, I don’t plan to “live the dream”, I just plan to live simply and control-alt-delete my personal machine. I might even be able to do this frugally enough to jump start my retirement account (which, for all practical purposes, I don’t need being that I am already receiving retirement. However, I might want to buy a house someday, or go back to school on my own nickel.).

I must admit, the world I’m living in leaves much to be desired. Politics and morals are so poor as to make a man despair. Still, and in truth, today is yesterday and will be tomorrow. Sometimes civil life is bad and sometimes my ruby glasses have turned to blood red and I just can’t see the goodness for the roses. My bad, and part of my consideration. If the world is horrible, is the viewer the problem or is the world? Is my lust for things, women, and achievement or lack of attaining these things in ways which are satisfactory the problem or is the world really going wrong?

Most will never be able to know. Women generally couldn’t and wouldn’t do what I am planning. Most men wouldn’t either, to be quite honest. I am not even sure I will do it, but at this point, that is my plan. In two years (slimly possibly less), after this coming August, I plan on having my house cleaned out, selling or disposing of things that won’t last, storing the rest (yeah, I’m keeping my Kershaw Shun layered steel kitchen knives and clever, All-Clad cookware, leather couch set, and mucho good comfy bed for when I get back). But much of the rest, computer included, will go away. I might have to get a lap-top though, I have heard satellite phones can now offer internet services. I know it’s not “outdoors-like”, but it can be convenient for shopping for vitals, an occasional blog, email, and general and specific local information, and trip planning (and burning time on those stupid games). Well, only a maybe on the lap-top.

Until then, I have a lot to do so… “Just, just get off my back man!”. Hehehe I think I’m hyped, a little nervous, and even a little cynical of my own resolve, among other things, all rolled into a nifty ditty-bag called me.

The Train Is Running Again If Not On Schedule

It's been a bit since I posted. A brief update is in order. I went back on blood pressure medicine, with a few provisions. I would also be put on methylphenidate (ritalin ), the blood pressure medicine would be increased as needed, and other prescriptions for the blood pressure control will be added as needed, provided my blood pressure lowered and pulse didn’t increase. Well, for several weeks, it just wasn't dropping, then weeks became a month and then more. After the first two weeks, my ability to function nearly completely ceased. More time went by and finally I offered to take even more medicine,fosinopril, if methylphenidate would be added, otherwise I would have to cease taking the medicine and just "live" with the consequences as I knew I honestly couldn’t take more medication and function well enough to remember to take it (or I should say, be conscious enough or often enough to take it).

Beyond that, another sleep study was conducted indicating no rem sleep and low (if not critically low) oxygen levels (one of the best nights sleep I can remember, continuos air circulation in the test bedroom, go figure). So, beyond the hp problem, perhaps a sleep problem as well. I'll be being seen by ENT in just a few weeks (very quick this time at the Iowa City VA, yeah!).

Ok, so we agree and move forward with a doubling from 10mg to 20mg fosinopril once a day, and 5mg methylphenidate twice a day. Wow, those first two days on methylphenidate were like being alive again, if a bit stressing. As well, since there are dangers involved with the methylphenidate, a follow-up with a pharmacologist type (pleasant woman, really, and tall:) a week after my doctor visit. So, I saw her this last Tuesday. Little progress was seen on the bp drop, though pulse looked good and bp is lowering some. So, she doubles the doubling. Now I'm on 40mg fosinopril. Thankfully, I had been skipping one methylphenidate occasionally as it was a bit potent. Trust me though, I take all of it now and it has become a bit tight, though I am much more functional than on 10mg with nothing.

Life has been a little choppy, first from having no "boost" on the system crashing med, then having too little or too much boost and med changes. I think I am finally to something called minimally self sustaining, if still slightly erratic trying to keep a day schedule. Sleep is harder to come by, but function is generally much improved. I do fear more medicine, different medicine, etc, but I’ll go with it as far as I can function to do so.

I have started the process of buying a new vehicle (Nissan Xterra Off-Road most likely). I have test driven the Toyota FJ Cruiser and will test drive the Ford (Explorer) Sport Trac Monday. I am weighing these vehicles, finances, Mum’s input, etc. I must go slow, check, and plan, but I also need to do this sooner rather than later. I planted several herbs (hyssop, basil, Marjoram, and Parsley all but basil has sprouted!). I've been keeping myself and my “man thing cave” much neater. I've been getting out a bit more, I'm trying to devise a work-out routine, and I have a few old and new hobbies and projects that are back in play or starting up (golf, camping, target shooting, fishing, and hopefully some snorkeling and hunting this summer and fall respectively, thus the target shooting).

I see life hasn't changed all that much, and the world doesn't know and doesn't care what is happening here (which, to my thinking, is a good thing). World and US tragedies, successes, politics, and all is always right where I left it though some of you all change, just a bit here or there, so nothing important is exactly the same. I’ve been stopping by several bloggers places and leaving my typical little “gifts” (I’m sure many are as potent and welcome as subpotty trained peoples “gifts”, but…). Even when I can’t blog or even comment, I can at least browse your minds and intent, and even in Difster’s case, learn and change just a bit from you all.

Hopefully I’ll get back to this with some ideas I’ve had soon, ideas which have temporarily flitted from my grasp but might well come back better later.

The jester does more then jest joke.

I may not be Einstein, though I don’t think he was either. I’ll save that topic for another time. I may not be Sir Edmund Hillary, who by the way, I fully agree, was indeed Sir Edmund Hillary. Heck, I’m not anybody famous and not even me half of the time, in that my thoughts and spirit seem to be away in their own worlds leaving what appears to be me as just a shell which does it’s own thing. Still, this day I have combined enough personal elements to do a task. My roman shades and curtains have been installed. There were a few complications, several rethinks, some learning, and I really had to focus to keep on task and consider the various options and choices rightly. But honestly, it is quite simple. I had never set up shade pulls before, so that was new, but if you can pull a cord through a set of small spans several times and in several possible ways, and then by trial and error figure out which one works and how, you get a star right on your cute little 5 year old forehead. The task would be a 1 on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most difficult. No, I’m not a carpenter, mechanic, or a scientist or physicist. Any adult body should be able to do this.

I have also been getting caught up on other household chores, the kitchen is being ordered and the linens and clothes are nearly laundered. It’s turning into a very pleasant day. Though work is work, it is pleasant and I enjoy it when I am able and can organize it and stay with it. I will enjoy my apartment and my life so much more when these tasks are complete that I am not truly be able to express it here.

The window treatments will not win me any best design awards. I’d be surprised if my lady friend approves. But the devices, panels, and cords are straight and functioning, the double layer of modesty I have so long desired is in place, and I like the look, I did it myself relatively quickly, and with out wounding myself or damaging the property. The boxes and tools have all been put away except for the cordless drill, which is staying out until I have both of it’s battery packs charged. And, really, I am pleased. I will truly enjoy the ribs tonight, my reward is two fold and more.

Now, to put my actual boots on and check my mail. It’s been a few days. Should be nice and cool out there too. If I am not wiped out tomorrow, I should start going through some math. It can really sharpen up rough edges of the mind’s capacities and it’s almost a compulsive behavior once I get on a roll. I don’t know, I just have to tighten things back up. Perhaps I can then get back to writing thoughts and doubts rather than mundane daily drivel that means even less.

Today, not tomorrow, or yesterday.

I had forgotten that I would write about my experiment while roasting turkey. I had included brats in the basin and I had added rice. I had hoped for a mixing of meat flavors. Well, it did not really work. I probably will do the rice part again, adding a cup and a half of rice, though I will only add it for a half hour next time. The brats where fine, but just plain brats. I do not know about the juice. I gave that over to my friend so that she could make soup, which she indicated she would share, but I have not heard back about the soup or even if it was good. The rice was over done, though sufficient to consume. And of course, the turkey had zero change. However, I would like to figure out a way to produce a multi-meat flavored dish with the water in the roaster. It isn’t just to fully utilize the heat, I’m not that conservative. I am trying this in order to get the fresh cooking juices of the meats to blend in a savory manner. I will continue thinking and experimenting. I have plans to cook another turkey sometime in April or May. I am sure there are recipes out there, but I like inventing my own wheel to the extent that is possible, then comparing processes and ingredients as an afterthought regarding cooking, and actually, with much of what I do when I can do it. I’m considering roasts or stew meat. I could see adding beef, lamb, pork, a combination of two of those, or all three roasts or cut, floured, and seared pieces of stew meats. Of course, I season things well, lots of this, bits of that, some of this, and all with some salt. My herb and spice rack is large, with 40 spices and herbs available. And, as soon as I am more mobile, I would like to start a minor potted herb garden. Fresh herbs produce the finest results in some cooking, fresh salsas, and salads.

Now, I don’t really love to cook if I do enjoy it at times. The mechanical “work” is just that, but the “chemistry” aspect is fun, that is, getting a very specific grouping of flavors using spices, herbs, and varied ingredients. I love to eat, and eat well. I have an idea of what certain foods should taste or feel like, al dente for pasta, medium rare to rare for beef, done yet juicy for foul, etc. and I target that. I have only ever had once girlfriend of several past loves who could cook a good meal regularly and the way I like it, an older woman of course. But in those days, I was in the market for the wrong kind of woman, perhaps that was a hint from God? Cooking is the only way to eat well in a cost effective manner. The main drawback with cooking is dishes. Some of my favorite meals utilize many devices, mixing bowls, pots, pans, and utensils, then the serving ware, plates, silverware, and glasses make for a pile of dishes even when I am able to keep on top of kitchen clean up while cooking. Being a current bachelor, I can skip the serving ware, use paper plates, and minimize in other ways and I do for lesser meals, yet it’s still a good deal of work and I am not a natural multi-tasker, so it’s only three times a week that I make a complete meal while using the time between them cleaning up. The rest of my meals are quick foods and leftovers.

Onto other aspects of life. I picked some curtains and roman blinds for my living room and they arrived some time ago. I am hoping to get those up today. I’m still not up to leaving the house, but I might be able to get this done. It is easy work. It will require some drilling, measuring, and a few other odds and ends. Yet, in my foggy exhausted condition, this is a tricky thing. To think I can get an A+ in engineering calculus II and have trouble with this today is a bit troubling. Still, I can fret about it and moan, or do what I can. So, today I’m going to put my proverbial boots on and put my hands to the labors they are able to do. As well, as a reward, I purchased bone in beef ribs. The way to a man’s heart, attention, and action is either the promise of food or loving. Since I am solo, my options are somewhat thin. So, it’s Ribs!

Have a good day all.

The world is turning and on all it's axes.

My mother is the mayor of a very tiny town. She has been the mayor of that town three different times. She has never been voted out, she gets tired of the task and tells the voters she will not take the position if re-elected and means it. She is embroiled in a major local issue and is trying to lead the city in a direction that seems wise. In her corner are the people who donated the money to the city, the local school system, and a majority of the town folk. In the other corner is most of the town council. She has always been a bit of a scrapper, and when she is right she really is a force of nature. Still, being enough like her, I know this costs her a great deal personally. So, I worry a bit. She might be a battle axe, but she is a sweet and sensitive one, kind to a fault if demanding beyond reason at times.

What is at issue is what the city should build with $25,000, donated by a local company specifically to enlarge the cities ability to facilitate people at city council meetings and fund raising events. What the city council wishes to do is to build a large shed for city owned tools and such. What she is trying to do is join with the local school (who will add $100,000 to the project) and build a combination bus barn and community center. After speaking with a lawyer, it seems that the city and school can make a legally binding agreement which would ensure the city doesn’t lose the facility if the school closes and or is restructured. The contract might even yield the whole of the facility, in such cases, to the city. The school has also agreed to pay for all utilities if the city will offer free water from the city pump. She is the only Democratic and female candidate I have ever voted for, a thing I remind her from time to time with wonder, joy, a little humor, and a bit of humility, and I am pulling for her. It was great to be able to tell my Mom that I am proud of her. I have asked her to save all the clippings and perhaps get her local interviews recorded. And I will be calling a bit more often to support her. This isn’t her first brush with local fame and history, but this time I want some of the recordings.

The next topic is a thing I read this morning, though it’s not new I had some ideas stem from it. Tax shelters in the Netherlands seem quite an issue. Far from being against such a thing, however, I am contemplating how the average man could group into an association in such a way that his income, linked with many others, is cleaned of taxes in that country. What about “give unto Caesar…” and all that you say? If you think you aren’t paying taxes by not paying income tax, you just do not understand. Almost every consumer item you buy is taxed. Sure you say, but that’s just 5%, right? NO, it isn’t. It is 5% of the purchase price, regardless of your income, and that is just federal tax, not including state and local, gas, licenses, and whatever other scheme they are using to gouge money out of your working stiff back. Doh! You are giving and giving and giving to Caesar and you are not getting much back much, and a good lot of what you are indeed getting you probably do not want (abortion center support, the homosexual agenda, multi-cultural aggrandizement, government land theft, added costs to people and companies through unfunded mandates, and a lot of other craziness. We need a taxing and spending revision, desperately, and this type of action on a grand scale might just do that. Oh, I know it’s a pipe dream. I will add though that the very liberals who are pushing for increased taxes and government spending in their countries should NOT be allowed to take advantage of this. U2 was caught with it’s liberal mouth flapping while it’s money is in the Netherlands.

The last issue is a hopeful thing. After years of searching for a medical solution, I may have found something. I can’t quite be sure. After looking over an initial page I found, indicating suspiciously similar symptoms, I saw the link to go their main page. I was thinking, honestly, “Here is where they ask for my credit card number”. Bummer, no credit card needed. Well, bummer for my cynicism only. This site not only offered a more full explanation of the problem but a free and complete explanation of what this man, and now many others, used to free themselves of this difficulty. Beyond, it explained that this isn’t foolproof or absolute, it’s not a cure in other words, merely a treatment that works for the most part. My, the advice is free, it doesn’t make a guarantee, the author isn’t involved with the manufacture or sale of any of the system, and there is a simple and inexpensive positive test to see if this is the problem. Did I just fall off the cynicism band wagon, or was that thump my jaw hitting the desk? Anyway, I have something to run with while I check into this. I’ll be going out today to see if I can find a simple oral pH balance test strip kit. Updates to follow. Oh, I sent an email to the people after I reviewed a good bit of the page but before I stumbled onto the part about pH testing. I have already received a reply this morning, with advice to test for pH, and even an offer to speak with my doctor regarding this issue! I’m afraid. I’m afraid I won’t have a pH difference. I am afraid I will have a pH difference. I guess the potential for change, good or bad, is a fearful thing. I don’t even want to link to their page out of fear it might be shut down because of me. Am I paranoid? After 20 years of living with a crippling condition, that is an affirmative.

Ok, I want to get there. Maybe knowing where I am at will help.

Being off the medication has allowed me to be more functional. Note, I said more functional. I've been getting up around 4:00 am, fussing about doing a few house chores and looking over the news and the blogs to try and wake up. It's now 6 hours later and here I sit still tired. I will be tired all day, but I can force my self, for the most part, to stay up 14 to 16 hours. I have enough energy, now, to do some of those tasks that just hadn't been possible on the blood pressure medication. But I am still limited, too limited.

I did purchase a swim pass, but exercise was not really helpful in the past. I was swimming regularly without good results. I finally quit because the schedule kept changing, sometimes many children where present, and the swim times were usually in the 6:00 am time frame, while occasionally being canceled without notice. I guess I'm picky. Anyway, the new swim area is more adult oriented and the is available daily, regularly, and at decent times. If nothing else, I will be in better shape while I waste away

The doctors just do not seem to know what to do. And, once I was labeled, rightly or wrongly, as a depressive, it seems difficult to receive more than sympathy and happy pills as their offerings. I'm not "unhappy" if frustrated, and those medications did not work, so I am assuming that is not the problem. What in the world could cause such exhaustion and for such a long stretch of time? At least my vital signs show oddities, spikes and drops unrelated to any real causations. I have even been diagnosed with severe type II diabetes, for a while. I had a count of over 500 for a month, and with a fasting blood test the average had been 350 for the previous three months. My average is now one 112 with occasional fasting spikes of up to 200, without any medication including the insulin shots which I unceremoniously stopped taking due to drops into the 60’s range. Pulse seems to jump, randomly it seems, to as high as one 125 resting, though averages around 92 to 95. And my blood pressure, though in the 170’s/110’s range, can dip precipitously while the medication seem to have only little effect. Interesting, but nothing seems to fit a diagnosis that I can find. I do my own homework, with my limited knowledge.

Anyway, I tried to get to church yesterday but the buses were running irregularly or the weather was slowing them down so that I did not catch one in a timely manner. I am going to have to figure that out because either their pamphlets are wrong or yesterday and a few other days were just off for them. I did make it to a church related group last night and really enjoyed the company. It will be a weekly thing, and I have a ride set up now. For some reason, I could not get a cab last evening, in spite of trying for over an hour in advance of my hoped 7:00 pm departure time. I really have to get a winter vehicle. Ah, but my savings. Choices, conundrums, and folly, maybe I should just hand the man my wallet and shut up? Ha Ah well, it all works with a little patience and considered thought. I will not be making it to church this day, I just can not do it.

I guess what I am left with is not answers, but questions. What I do with the lack of answers and, often, viable solutions, might well mark whether I have character or not. Thankfully, that will be for another to decide, but it is my task to make that decision easier. So I propose today, tomorrow, and which ever day I am able, I will just get up, do what I can of that which is left to me to do, and keep pushing. I will either push through to function or just push until it is my time to, hopefully, graduate to a place of maturity where my efforts will be truly fruitful. I still have much to be thankful for, and I am, right here and now. I have a place to call home, some friends who dare to disagree and tell me the truth, food to not only eat but also to enjoy, things to tinker with in my play pen, and faith, hope, and charity which I have received and earnestly try to fulfill. Not bad, in the long and short of things.

Do we ever grow up?

I have to laugh at myself. Sometimes I can be such a grump. Mornings are worse than other times, but I won't limit myself to that time of day. I can also sit on the pity pot, worry about things that are fiction, still find my big toe a thing of interest and curiosity, and all kinds of nutty things. Now, I enjoy these things, even if they might mean I'm still a kid. But I thought I would grow up someday! I thought growing up meant that my feelings wouldn't be hurt by relatively unimportant things. I thought I'd be used to my body and it would become purely utilitarian, not the sensational, sensitive, interesting thing it seems to be. I thought I'd say something and it would be said correctly and everybody would understand, which also means all the other adults would be just as mature as myself. So, what happened?

Funny thing, I guess, but the fact remains. I don’t believe I will ever fully grow up here. This isn't the place for it any more than the womb was the place for me to get my first college degree. There like here, it's icky and confusing and confining at times. This has been a disturbing and recurring wonderment to me, maturity, it’s definition, and it’s resolution. One which I am finally writing about and exploring.

I must add, I actually love life even more when I view it this way. It means my seemingly lost childhood is only as lost as I choose it to be. Sure, I can be more decisive now, I can be more accurate, and sure of my thinking, and I can iterate or write my thoughts more concisely and clearly then when I was a physical child. But knowing that I am still a child in the whole of truth, I can enjoy my world, I can understand my foibles, and I can manage being wrong at times because I know I am still a child. I also know that there will be a place to mature more fully, though somehow, I don’t think my early perceptions of maturity will be as sterile as I had thought. As well, these considerations allow me to get over myself. Which is precisely why I am writing this evening.

This morning I was put out, upset about the oddest things. I didn't quite have a tantrum, it was more a snit. (I like that word, it's fun and oh so appropriate sometimes) I was, as I see it now, quite wrong and silly. But that is ok too. It is ok to miss the mark. It is ok to be stupid, ignorant, wrong, foolish, and many other things so long as I can recover and put things back into place to begin back on the right path in the correct direction. Not all words can be taken back, not all actions can be undone, but since I share in the right society, forgiveness is handed out like the sweet candy it is. This doesn’t give me a free pass, however, it only is something that I can hope for and ask for, not expect or take for granted. It is a gift, if it flows easily at times. And, as the wisest has indicated, it must be asked for in humility and with true regret. Wisdom and kindness, forgiveness and friendship, these things are gifts. I am only glad I have friends who have these to give, that I know people who share these things. That though I live in a harsh world, men are different and some choose these things rather than the natural order. And, I appreciate their charity. And sometimes, the charity I receive will be for and from me. How odd that seems. My lessons, of course, continue.

Yes, life can be very good. People really are special.

My foolishness, but I'm working on it.

No snow today, the sun is out and it looks to be a decent day. I'm sure it'll be cold. It always is the day after. No problem, I enjoy the cold compared to summer heat anyway. I forgot to add, yesterday when I started digging out, I found a plate of COOKIES! A neighboring family had left it for me, with a nice drawn and colored note thanking me for being a great neighbor. I guess even grumpy old guys get a little sunshine sometimes. I don't deserve it, but the cookies were a great treat and the note went on the fridge as a reminder of good things.

Now, to my foolishness. I have been perusing other people's blogs and leaving comments as if I should. With lots of time, I can leave lots of comments. After reading along for a while, I jump in and write. I sometimes write things that I probably shouldn't. I am also greatly and often misunderstood. I take a certain part in the blame as I do write off-hand and do not always edit well. Even when I do, my words can be so oddly misunderstand that I don't understand the responses. Given the one dimensional nature of blogging and responding, this should not come as surprise, let alone cause hurt feelings. I don't know anybody, truly. Yet, it ends up doing just that. Of course, it happens just as often in real life. How could we edit our spoken words, rethink what we are saying as we are saying it, or do we assume a relationship is closer than we had thought? How often do we run into diametrically opposed thinking without having a hint we are about to do so? This has caused me to rethink some things.

Should I continue to comment? I'm really torn on that. There is very little I have to offer. Most blogs seem to be focused around a primary commenter circled by people who seem to hold similar ideas as a general rule, with slightly different takes on various issues. Being what I am, I have very little in common with most people as a whole, if parts of our lives may be similar. Currently, I hold no degrees, even if I probably have enough credits for one, so I am not an expert. I am not brilliant nor wise, in some ways I am like a dog. You either like dogs or you don't. If you like them and want them around, you must understand that they will, at times, do things you don't like. But that isn't for me to decide. Perhaps I shouldn't be involved. I will be thinking about this in the next week. This whole thing just helps me understand more clearly how foolish and perhaps sentimental of a man I am. As for suggesting that I get a life, well, why don’t you just tell a paraplegic to take a walk? This is it, for now, with what I have.

On the upside, I have a few more COOKIES. I feel a raid on them, to secure and protect them, is in order.

It's snowing again. (so I can just ramble)

I don't know how much we got, I just know my monster snow blower acted like it was choking. I had to shift down in a couple of places and go over a few other areas twice. No problem, it's fun! It has 6 forward speeds, 2 reverses, an electric starter (which I never use), and looks aggressive. Since I have no where to go and nothing to do if I got somewhere, I can just enjoy the snow and play with the snow blower. Heck, I even do the neighbors drive and sidewalks if it needs it. Funny, for as bad of shape as I'm supposed to be in, I can shovel or use the machine for... well, till it's done, without a problem. (I have a 30 ft double drive with about that much distance of a wide sidewalk in two directions, sometimes I shovel (means I forgot to get gas, ha).)


Since ending my blood pressure medication, life is starting to improve. I haven't made it to daily Mass yet, but I am thinking tomorrow (using mass transit) it should happen. The great thing about daily Mass is that I feel like I'm making up for the times I really can't function to go to church. I would go anyway, that's just a perk. Going on a visit to God's house on a daily basis sets things right and lends perspective to the rest of what I see and hear. It brings no small peace and lends to certainty, a surety of character in the great confusion that is life.

To make life smoother and control the input I receive, I've made some changes in my life. I've dropped television. I preview movies, harshly, before considering them as possible entertainment. Yes, ok, Jane Fonda does not find her way to my tube, nor do many of the others, it's not just content. My books are all Christian, history, math and science, classic reads, or combinations of those. Only my music remains somewhat dubious, with Monster Magnet being a favorite, along with Motorhead, Metallica, AC/DC (my first rock, I had to buy it on the sly and smuggle it to my mini domain in my earliest teens), though I also enjoy Meatloaf's newest (sent from a very good friend, and being enjoyed greatly) Marlene Dietrich, Bonne Raitt (crazy liberal, but aren't they all, but gorgeous and a golden voice), Connie Francis, George Strait, Garth Brooks, Bjork, Cohen, and even Astrud Gilberto, many classic and baroque recordings, and probably a thousand more off and on favorites. So I am not quite free of some bad influences and I've gone as far as I probably will for now with that. ("I'm still alive" is playing in the background)

A fellow blogger brought up an issue that hits home, in an article titled American Culture: Pejorative to Character. The idea that we, Americans, buy way too many useless or frivolous items. I must protest! I NEED all these stupid things! Oh, alright, he is right. It certainly hit a nerve, but in the right way. And yes, I'm doing something about that too. For years, I didn't think I'd be alive tomorrow, literally. Well, tomorrow seems to have come and gone and there is some historic context which indicates it might do so again for a while. Therefore, I have started a savings plan. Why I am saving I am still unsure. Maybe when I am 70 I can buy a car? HA No, I should be able to buy two by then;) Truly, I am unsure. Though I would like to buy a house... someday. Here in Iowa, in the right town (most of them), I could outright buy an excellent starter house with two years of my savings (if I keep my hand out of the kitty) and still live decently with a few new toys occasionally and my weekly steak and regular good eats while saving. I wonder if that is some of the problem with other savers... motive. I know training was lacking in my case as well. I was raised by a single mother who understood money... you spend it. Ackh . I love here but she shouldn't be near a nickel. Of course, Mummy isn't my problem. I reject Freud, outright, and in more ways than just this. My Mom got me to 18, alive and well. I'm rather grateful, knowing me as I do. I think the only reason I am able to do this is that I am no longer bombarded by adds. I don't listen to the radio, I don't watch tv , I don't read papers, and I have a pop-up blocker and heavy duty security suite, so I am no longer influenced. Yeah, I think that's the reason we do that. ("Would you listen now if God could talk" in the background... Oh, one more time)

You know, there does seem to be a theme in there, as scattered as it seems. I apologize, this was supposed to be a ramble. Probably geomotry or trig blocking my thought randomizer. Anyway, I've been a good boy and will no go raid your blogs:) Bye, or, see you soon?

All real conservative candidates please raise your right hand. No, no, that's your left!

There seems to be one. Out of all the candidates I have seen so far, none were conservative until now. The Republican party is pulling in almost as lame as the Democratic party, perhaps more so given the intellectual handicap of the left which means the conservatives should know better. Then again, it seems that there isn't a conservative movement in the country politically at this time, except for half or more of the population that is. It seems there may be one conservative in the running.

He doesn't have a great chance. As a fact, Republicans seem to be scattered, weak, and turning to the middle and left rather than working with their supporters and each other, which bodes ill for any single candidate, but more so for one of a truly conservative nature. It is odd. I know when I am lost, tired, vulnerable, weak, hungry, or confused, I go home. For me, this behavior indicates where the Republican party does, or thinks it does, get it's support. Which is fine except it means that our government isn't really ours. Of course, there is some truth to that and it has always been so. Governments are too big to ever be personal, clever enough to be specifically helpful, or wise enough to be sure. So, a good government is a weak, impersonal, somewhat ineffectual one. That being said, logic doesn't always care for emotion. And it won't help a conservative get into office.

Why should a government be weak, small, impersonal, and ineffectual? Because the only way to streamline them is to create a dictatorship or absolute ruling body. Though that seems like a plan to some in that divisiveness and decision making become instant and dedicated and lots of promises are made like free medical care, free education, free housing, free whatever (these do not come to pass, considering value given for product received, if any product is produced at all), the larger and longer problems always outweigh the short term "gains". The long term consequences include, though by no means are limited to; the fact that the decision making is still done by men or groups of men with their inherent foibles, prejudices, and ignorance; the system ends up rigging the financial systems to favor the ruling or their associates, which dampens or eliminates competition, which limits choice and availability of products and services which kills innovation , robust markets, and economic upward mobility. As well, even these governments fall into the ineffectual category once they realign the social and political structures, more so than the one they replaced.

On another issue, I use the terms "left" and "conservative" as it is my firm belief that the "left" and the "right" are essentially the same as they are politically bantered about today. Hitler was said to be on the "right", Stalin on the "left". Hitler WAS to the "right" of Stalin, but only in a minor way in that he didn't nationalize industry (or, as much). The rest is quite similar, such as women's suffrage , national bans on personal firearms, draconian police and intelligence services (police states), indoctrination, genocide, anti-religious attacks (200,000 Catholics "disappeared" during the Russian revolution, not a trace of them in any paperwork or graves even today) with Hitler himself indicating that Stalin and communism where "great" sources for his principles of governance. So, I don't say conservatives are on the right. So, though I believe there is a left and right in politics, for the news industry, academics, and other pop "great thinkers" of our time, the spectrum is between Hitler and Stalin, not between freedom and totalitarianism.

Back to the issue. I truly hope Senator Brownback is able to at least be allowed into the debates, though I am not holding my breath. I am hoping if this happens, he might go on to win the nomination, though I have my doubts. And it would be great if he could actually win the election, but that just isn't possible, probably. I might have to send some money, if I see his campaign making inroads. But I think this next election is sown up. Beyond that, I don't think a president has as much power as people think. I also don't believe a complete and true conservative government makes that much change, despite those who say President Bush and the Republican Congress wasn't conservative, the facts are that it was, if a milquetoast variety.

Back on track?

Yesterday was great! I woke up quite early, around 4:00 am, and stayed up until 21:30. I did take a one hour nap, but forced myself up as I had a task to do for a friend (I roasted a turkey) both for her dinner and which we will now split. I am a bit more functional and certainly have better memory function and concentration. How am I doing this? I had to stop taking my blood pressure medicine. Yes, I probably will die sooner, but who wants to live an extra 20 or 30 years if it's to be catatonic as an induced side effect? After four years of wasted life trying to find a medication or regimen that doesn't cause this AND lowers blood pressure, I have decided to end this little experiment. I won't try other medications unless the doctor can give me something that deals with the side effects. There are many things I want to do. And, even if my life is cut a bit short, I will do some of them rather than live long and do nothing. I am still going to be limited, at times, yet not so strictly or often.

The turkey turned out well. When I decided to roast it this time, I wanted to try an experiment. I always add a bit of water to the roasting pan, this time I wanted to use that water. And, since I like mixed meat flavors, I decided to add bratwurst (hand made type) to that water, and I added rice as well (though the brats were added in the last hour and a half and the rice only for the last hour). I have yet to see how that part came out, but I will be writing on that as soon as I know.

If life is an oyster, more than half it's mass is waste and when it does produce pearls, you still can't eat the pearl. Go figure and swallow it carefully.

Ah, right, where was I?

Sorry about that, but when I need sleep, replying to blogs, eating, and managing bodily functions is all I have to offer the world. So far the world hasn't voted me off the island, so, I give what I can. And, if you are reading this, I have no doubt that you know what it is I offer. Opinion, of course, you guys...

The world seems to be changing, people dieing, wars being waged, new officials taking office, and you know what? It's the same as yesterday, I swear it. More, it's like two weeks ago when I did the braindeaddive into Sleepyville . I used to have to deal with depression. I thought it was because I became unable to stay awake and enjoy life. Not so, little friends, it was because nothing ever changes. I've gotten over depression, in spite of that fact. Woohoo... I should take a nap.

Now, there are good things to be said about balance and status quo. I am a republican and conservative, after all. But when the balance is off kilter to the left at least twenty degrees, it's annoying at best. What I propose we do about it is... Exactly, I don't have a clue. Voting won't do it and I'm getting a little old to be revolting (though some liberals think I am revolting, and in there case, I am). Why don't we talk about the weather? Oh, right, we ARE talking about the weather. I still think, on the odds, we conservatives have a better shot of booting their sorry liberal butts than they have of changing the weather. Besides, I live in Iowa, I wouldn't mind a little added property value with the loss of some of the coastal lands and some extra sunshine. I'd love to have big city folk put into tenements and denied the vote since their states don't exist and they aren't residents, at least until that can all be sorted out. Call it a natural resettling of the Civil War, going back to state and individual power from federalism a bit.

Now, where was I? Oh, right. How to change the political landscape in the United States of America, that is my question. First, we would have to create a group of like minded individuals who know our history, who are civic minded, who believe in this nation, who are able and willing to do some work, and in large enough numbers to be a concern. That might well get the ATF ,FBI, and about a dozen other federal, state, and local entities knocking on our doors. So long as enough of them are in our group, not a problem, otherwise it could get rough. And, of course, there are the state and federal forces to worry about, though and again, with enough mutual involvement, not a problem. So, you see, our rights of association have been weakened. Anyway, let us say we work through that. Next, we need to find the first generation of leaders who know what needs to be done and how, have access to enough of the keys to open the gates to begin restoring the constitution, and then we have to support them. This is my dream, and it's a peaceful one, so butt out if your selling armed revolution, we'll get to the settlements after we reestablish a constitutionally based government. Ok , after that is accomplished, then we have to live with it. Frankly, it's going to have it's own problems. Things you are used to being automatic just will not exist. See, this is the real problem.

Everyone wants change but not one person is truly willing to give up their goodies. Road improvements, farm subsidies, medicaid, tax loopholes, bridges to nowhere, the seeming rate of economic growth (partly fictional), and the like are symptoms that have grown into problems in their own right. So, we have layers of problems with no one willing to sacrifice their piece of the pie, just wanting to not have to pay for it. So, ask yourself, what are you willing to give up? Don't be cute either. And everyone has to give up a LOT to make it work.

A rested mind and body is golden.

I finally caught a break and slept well and for long enough to feel rested. As well, the ability to act has been in evidence. Sadly, I have had little time to write. My computer is ill, so I needed to update this, switch that, remove that, and rearrange, restart, and hope. After 5 hours or a bit more... I have a tolerably less ill machine. hehe I love computers for the Internet , games, and math but I know that it is nearly impossible to keep up on even a single computer. Registry problems, lost links, unknown software, security difficulties, software updates, hardware upgrades, and then you have to learn a dozen programs well enough to have any worth from the thing, it's quite a lot. Isn't it difficult to realize what you are seeing and what I seem to be typing, well, it's all a mechanical (on several levels) and visual manipulation of electrons, created most likely by burning coal. So, it's coal? hehe No, but it sometimes seems like coal would be a better gift than a computer... you can burn it too.

I'm listening to Leonard Cohen. A blog associate brought up the name recently in one post or another. It took two or three days, perhaps, to trickle through my foggy mind and end up playing on my system. I cry the first time I hear it after a long break. I know, silly, but it just is. Though I have only known his music for four or five years, it feels like I should remember him from the 30's or 40's or something. The fact that I was not born at the time or that he was not singing at that time seems to have no bearing on emotional understandings.

After the tears comes a flood of memories and thoughts. An excitement, that coupled with my rested and functional condition, joins to make for a wonderful time. Even the frustrations of working with a recalcitrant computer seem to melt. The waits are not so insufferable and the successes are even more satisfying.

On another topic, I have received some feedback on some of my comments. Some people think I might be prejudiced, that I might be edging around bigotry. There is some wonder about my intentions and considerations, my sensibilities are certainly being questioned. I will say, what is being said is absolutely true. I must also add this, the target of my wonder and doubt is none other than the author. So, should you be so close as to feel threatened by my thoughts, perhaps you should be. If you need a pass in life, if you cannot be questioned or doubted, if when weighed you are found to be wanting, perhaps you should not come here. I do not say this because I could not like you but because you will only be hurt here. You are not yet ready to be here.