It has been 15 days, starting the morning of January 7th, since I quite Tobacco.

Oh, it is not much, really. People do it every day, honestly. Though not everyone who quits stays tobacco free this long, yet some who make it this far end up going back to tobacco. I am not finished, and there are no guarantees, just my surety. I just checked the ticker on that, my surety was never a high-flyer, and it is not even decently humble value wise these days. But, it is what I have, it is what I offer, it will do. In an artificial world with odd connects and disconnects, our word, when held in honest relief to our actions, no matter who we are, is weak. Those whose words are nearly a correlation with their action are people who have learned not to speak until a job is done or all but done. If our will is not our own, which I believe or at least the results of our will are not our own, then what we ever intend almost cannot be. Even if we are deeply involved with God, it is not for us to know, not most of us, and not in a functional way anyway (leaving some room for prophecies and certain acts, such as those of Moses and the others at God’s behest).

I am still twitchy, I am still hungry, and I am still moody. Each has faded, a bit. Mood is the most explosive, and thus what I keep a closer tab upon. Hunger comes in next. Actually, hunger is the dominant gremlin in the lot, but since it is less destructive, it is allowed a little more room for indulgence. The twitchy part is slacking and is the easiest to deal with anyway. I am pleased that I have made it this far. Even if I mess up tomorrow, I have 15 days down.

Rocky has whittled his playmates down to 5. Usually I name none of the goldfish per batch, however, every second or third batch I see a fish that is either lucky, a bit smarter, or has a coloration which allows it to survive longer (only has to survive long enough to become big enough that Rocky cannot get him, or about 6 to 8 weeks, far less if it becomes the singular fish). I have spotted one which is being contemplated as to a name. When I first got him, I wondered, something seemed right about him. After two and a half batches, I am pretty sure. Now, I have to consider a name for him though. It is still a gamble, and I hate to then lose a named fish, but, what is life without some risk? We will see, I have been having difficulty coming up with a name I like, wish us luck? Ha.

Lots of fluffy white stuff!

It is raining snow flakes and… well, snow flakes. What with the leash laws, there are no more dogs and cats to rain, plus, it is winter. I have had the snow blower out three times this week, or after today. I cannot remember if I shoveled too within this week, or if that was the end of last week. I have been going way down, doing sidewalks two and three houses down (until I run into a cleaned sidewalk or out of interest), and doing my whole driveway, and trying to get the duplex to my south’s two driveways. This is a great time to consider snow skiing though. School has been canceled, though I will definitely check by tonight. It has stopped snowing, and the sun is out. Twelve hours could easily mean night course could be back on track. As a fact, I suspect they will be.

Just not too much more to report. Homework went well. The only problem giving me difficulty is the same one giving my study partner difficulties. I have written my instructor about it, I will see if he can, I should say ‘will’ since I know he can, add anything. We are really being given small amounts of what is needed to solve problems. The hope is that we will hyper extend and find some solution. Now, honestly, I do not believe I have enough base material to go that distance, so I am relying on my instructor. If that is not the way it is set up, then I will fail. I will understand I do not fit. We will see, I am just not going to fret it. Bugger that whole overload overstress thing, though I will try my darnedest. Balance, I think, is the word.

Well, I am not quite dry enough to go out and battle the snow but I am just blathering here. So, I shall check the news, harass my fellow bloggers, and play some parlor game or something until this wetback gets his greencard. Hasta luego, Manana?

*poof*

Interesting!

I have wondered why the women hereabouts created very little interest from me, and visa versa.. Now, mind you, I really want to find a little woman to co-manage our future. Well, so long as she takes orders in a fundamental manner. I knew it was not here, and tonight I may have found out why. Interesting, when we do not understand, and ask, we come to know.

Tonight, while I was… having a sip or so… I was checking out my new TV. Well, it is actually an old TV. HDTV, one of the first 32 inch tube ones, and Sony so it ought to be good. I did not and still do not like flat TVs. They really are not as good. They are thinner, and lighter, like modern women… That should be enough. Ok, fine, thinner and lighter means fewer children (and lower quality video). Well, ok, my tastes in women and TVs, among many things, are a bit dated. I suppose, that leads into the actual topic. As I was saying above, I wondered.

As I was watching my better viewing crappy old school TV, I was clicking around like an honorable American male (red blooded, mostly). Three clickers at the ready, I first set up the cable channels, adjusted the 1000W receiver, attempted to get things just right (which I have as of yet failed to do). Then, I looked at Sci-Fi (which seems more on trek with MTV (pre-kid-talk-show, but about to change). It is junk. The Liberal, I mean… nature and history channels have, if anything, turned even stupider (lefter). Then, as I clicked and complained… I found it! The reason for my difficulties.

On one channel, still broadcasting truth and science, my difficulty was explained. It seems, when women are using birth control, they choose poorly. They choose males who make poor mates. They also lose their sex drive. Meaning, as far as I am concerned, they get what they deserve. I know, when I wrote recently at Bane’s, I meant something… about a pretty woman he had posted (not the nasties, I am not in to porn, this one was… tasteful, to my eyes in any case, mostly). I could not put it fully into words until I heard it tonight. Without the raw unfettered pheromone of raw woman, I cannot find interest. Nor would they be able to find it in me. In their changed chemistry, I would be overpowering. Perhaps, if I can find a good woman, I will learn, know, and teach. And… a few other things. Stupid broads, get off the poison.

Wow, this nicotine thing.

I keep getting mashed on this. I had hoped it would be more tolerable by now. I am, however, happy to report that I am chugging right along. I am still avoiding people, for the most part. I have fits of moods, not unlike what my early days and certain Norsemen might understand. Bear wrestling sounds fun, if I get to eat what I kill especially. Now, I refuse to blame tobacco companies. Though I was young when I started, it is not like I could not read. It is not like anyone pulled the wool over my eyes and told me this lead to health and vigor. It is not even as if other smokes pulled me in. My mother and most others, especially smokers and chewers, adamantly said “No!”. I saw older smokers, like my grandpa and his gang of rowdy ol’ boys at his favorite pool hall or in the local greasy spoon. And yeah, though his lungs were not in the best shape, and though he may have lived a few years longer (in the nursing home), I think he would rather have smoked and died at 76 then to have lived to be 82 or 92 or 150. And though I miss him, I understand.

I am not quitting to live longer. I am quitting in part because the prices have made me angry, in part because I do not like having that extra “need”, especially one I can actually be rid (if only in theory, so far). And, to save my teeth. Not that my teeth are falling out, but the gums have taken a bit of a beating. It is easily recoverable at this point, at least. Oh, and smoking as an alternative really does cut into my wind and is bad for hunting. As I gear up to get out, I do not wish to wrestle with less lung, extra pack, and an artificial unsustainable “need”, which also has a strong chance of running dinner away. Coffee and tea, meh, they pack easier, are not required, and the deer love them (he is lying).

Any quitters out there? Any real advice? Anything, in particular, which gnawing upon keeps the hunger at bay a bit without adding on tons and which helps curb the urge? Actually, something that does one or the other alone would be good. Hard candy has been of limited use, though it is something (I will not go sugarless). I know I will do this, though I would like to lighten up a bit, if not light up.

I do not know where you live, but it is co co cold here. I think 0 to 10 F has been about the usual day time temperature here for a week, maybe a bit more. Plus, there has often been a decent breeze (say 5 mph) or more moving the dry cold air refreshingly over frozen fingers, and right down lungs so that breathing through the nose becomes highly recommended. Now, I enjoy the cold, but below 20 degrees, even I like a coat, gloves, and ear muffs, mostly. If you have it better, or happen to be in Hawaii, I am happy for you. This is, actually, my favorite time of year, though a little more snow would be nice if we have to have this kind of sustained cold. A foot of snow would be cool. Do not tell my neighbors I said that, especially if we get it.

Oh, hey, is everyone on vacation? Beyond few writing, fewer even seem to notice I visited. Now, my comments may be a bit off, even a bit more off than usual. I see things in a very weird light, admittedly. And I take angles that probably do not fit modern thought, certainly might get you banned from a bridge club, and may have your wife refuse to even look at you for a week if spoken, but come on. It is me. Shoot me down, blow me off, I have had worse. And, it is my sincere hope, I am indeed getting better. At worst, find a grain of salt, put that on your tongue and immediately drive the grain of salt and your tongue in cheek. Read a little more, do that step above again, rinse and repeat as necessary. Yeah, I know women seem to be very angry lately. I am not sure if it has been my comments or my posts. I am multi-talented that way, sometimes, though.

Well, beerthirty came and lasts.

Lowbrow, to be sure. If to be sure to the last drop as well. Oh, why not, I have dated ugly girls too. Actually, some of those have turned out better than many of the pretty women. I dissemble. In any case, cold beer and good memories have been on tap this night. If you do not remember, or did not see, last week while my friend was visiting, I purchased two little kegs. And, as you must know by now, good or bad, memories are always on tap hereabouts. Though I did fib a bit. I did not drink until far after I finished my pizza and did a bit more work. It did not help, or hurt probably.

I am having the damnedest time running nicotine out of this corpse of mine. I go from grumbly to angry, mellow for a spit, then consume what I did in my growing years. My top ever, by the way, was two and a half chickens, fried. My mother required that I eat, with every 2-3 pieces of chicken, a helping of mashed potatoes, a serving of mixed vegetables (though that ended up varying throughout the meal, she ran out of particular vegetables), and a whole glass of milk (I do not think there was skim or 2% back then, this was either whole or farm fresh, I cannot remember). I was less than eleven, perhaps nine years old? In any case, she could not believe how much I could eat before this. She did not believe me when I said I was still hungry after what she considered a good meal, even an excessive meal. So, I talked her into the experiment. I think I amazed her. At the time, and throughout my youth, they called me twig. Both because I was very tall and because I was so thin I seemed ill. Well, I was talking about nicotine. Anyway, I am hungry again, like I was then. I am at wits end, though I will continue.

I have also been trying to find blogs I lost in the great computer mishap of ought seven. I found a few. And more, I found a new place or two. Imagine that, a cranky old monster creeping around leaving little sweet nothings in the mailboxes and comment places of broken, twisted, beautiful, and original boys and girls, wherever they might be. Yeah, not to worry, if I was evil you would not ever think to see me coming. Trust me, I have contemplated the deal. Suicide is stacked higher in the deck, even though it doe not seem to work, I think if I had been or was about to become evil, it would let me go. Even God knows better than to let a one such as myself turn evil and live.

Yeah, I am full of it. Bull, and beer to boot. Still, I am enjoying myself. I hope you are? Enough about me, tell me, truly, what do you think of me? *laughs* Sometimes I wonder if that is all I am. And, I know, I fall to that often. But with people like you out there, I am reminded of what else there is and why I do not just walk away. *splash* Hey, I am talking to you!

Well, I think I shall return to the normal broadcast, and your screen should come back to your control. Have a good night. And amended according to recent information… May the bed bugs not suck. (really, they suck, they do not bite, so I have been told… maybe I am a sucker?... do not go there, on beer, you could trip and… wake up sore…) Again, good night.

Beauty

I have thought long about this term. I have crafted a number of devices in order to define the term, not all of them will be enumerated here, but these are some mainstays. An old, yet fairly well reviewed and earned device relied upon a saying. The saying indicates that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Another tool builds upon that by multiplying the numbers of eyes tallied. In so doing, a general pattern emerges and beauty becomes both a rare and commonly perceived quantity of qualities. As well, there is the notion that beauty cannot be quantified, in a Zenlike notion, it might said to “Just be”. To be difficult, of course, is the notion that beauty indeed is quantifiable, perhaps completely, in parts or some might say as a whole. A recent example of quantified beauty could be seen in a recent survey in which the perfect extra length of legs (women’s) for them to be beautiful was set at an extra 5% (I cannot be completely sure, but it is close, and the point is made).

Of course, some of these tools of understanding seem quite contrary. Indeed, they are. However, if you understand physics (which I do not, yet I understand this much), you will note that some things which are studied, when they are studied, they must exclude one important aspect to define another. For example, knowing where an item is, exactly (assuming perfect is possible) excludes the possibility of knowing in what direction at what speed it travels, and completely. The closer you get to knowing the location, the further from the knowledge of it’s motion becomes to you. So, this is not, in itself, an end to the considerations.

The notion that beauty is dependent upon the observer is something I have heard at least since high school. And yet, it is not something I innately knew, thought, or even believed when it was first received. I did not quantify beauty, try to understand, or try to find it as a child, I simply enjoyed it when I saw it, went toward it when I could, and nothing more went through my mind about it. Although, I did note that beauty was not confined to women, girls, flowers, art, pretty sunny days, or the usual suspects. I found beauty to be present in unexpected ways and in unexpected things. A thought connecting this reality with that idea and then exploding into understanding, an ugly child or animal doing something kind beyond their appearances, even the sadness of their loneliness, all provided powerful beauty. Life was, and remains, full of beauty. As I grew I saw this, too, in the darker sides of life. Beauty will not be denied, not even by shadow.

But back to the notion of the dependency of beauty to perception. When I first came to know this idea, I struggled against it, initially. It seemed to elevate an individual beyond our possible station. Or so it seemed initially and to me. It also excluded various forms of beauty. Or, so I first thought. As time went by, I came to accept this notion. Never completely, there were major flaws, holes in the fabric, missing meanings, too many of these for the thing to ever be completely obeyed. Yet like much of what is used as scientific theory, for a time, it was the best I had. And, I believe I had earned the usage of this saying. It had come to fruition through time and thought, it was not received as a cast off saying from another, who knows nothing and tosses this to stem their own ignorance on the topic and avoid facing that while reeling under the assault of my quest for understanding.

As I was becoming comfortable with this notion, I began to delve further. If one dollar is good, should not three be better? If three is truly better, what is best? Why, of course, as many as one may obtain! So, my thoughts turned to the idea of beauty pageants, competitions of all sorts, and the price of art. Surely, the more votes a contestant receives, the more opponents one defeats, or the more that is paid for art surely indicates greater beauty. This lead to a disappointing time in life. Though I began to see the corruption inherent in pageants and competitions and the falseness of equalizing economic value with beauty, I could not completely step away from the theory these are based upon. Simply, there was not an option. At least, until I remembered how I understood beauty as a child. Now, I have not completely ridded this notion, that of beauty being in the eye of the beholder, but I have weighted it. It is now one tool of many, to be used in my evaluations as I please and sense rather than as the only available option.

During this struggle with terms and through my growth, a separate opportunity to ponder arose. The question about whether beauty could be quantified or not began to peek around the intellectual corner and wink at me in a come hither fashion, then dart off leaving me in a quandary. With my mental hands full, should I chase this pixie of a notion? It was never in doubt, and eventually I chased that fox until I was breathless, the horn was sounded, and I returned with nary a close call to my knowledge. Though some of that remains, I have set the thing into some sort of track which is more manageable.

Some aspects of beauty can be quantified. Some art is highly numeric, some of it is quite geometric. Even with women, a cheekbone too high or too low by just a half a percent might mean a contract or not as a model. Some things, however, cannot be measured in such a manner. How do you measure a bloom? If merely by size, which size, large or small? Either path would lead to missing some of the rare and special flowers on our planet. And, how wet must a puppies lick on the surprised child’s face be for it to be a beautiful thing? Again, there is contradiction. And, again, there are now two tools rather than one confusing, arbitrary, and often wrong tool, to evaluate and enjoy the fantastic world around me.

Well, if you must ask… It has been bothering me for a day or two, so I thought I would write it out. Now, maybe, I can get back to work. Oh, but do not forget beauty. It will feed your soul, though not your belly. Pizza, and beer, I think, will finish this beautiful day! Oh, and some more beautiful homework until it arrives, and probably long after it is gone. So, bugger off you thought thieves!

Snowing again, little else seems to be on the go.

When and if it stops snowing, I will get out and probably shovel today. It is fun, and less trouble than the snow blower for smaller tasks. And, actually, for an inch or two or less, I think it is faster. It if happens to be more work, it is such light work that it does not cause me to be sore. Plus, it brings back youthful memories… not always happy ones. After enough time, even bad memories can be funny. Especially if they were only bad because of my having been in a cranky mood when the memories were made. Now I know why people picked on me then, it was fun. Moms can be cruel that way, probably the meanest people on earth. Ha

I plan on doing a good deal of homework. The book is a poor choice of reading material according to my friends, instructor, and a few other advisers, a point which I was beginning to note on my own. It does offer many problems, that is the beginning and end of it's usefulness. Since we are only assigned a small fraction of all the problems available, my instructor has taken this course and taught it 2 or 3 times now, and among other reasons, he now has quite a set of problems worked out beyond the set we receive for grades, my options and opportunities with those have been greatly expanded. This next week I will be in to school early enough before class to find out which problems I can do and know that I can check my work. If and when I get this class down, and have it humming like I want, I am hoping to begin a closer examination of statistics. Really, it is coming. I have not heard back from the woman from calc III, so I may just go with what I have. I just thought, because she seemed to like stats and calc beyond just utilitarian practical reasons, she might be an excellent adviser, perhaps mentor. Since the love thing did not seem to fit, this would have been perfect (yes, I can work with women I find attractive, especially well informally actually). I cannot be sure if her mathematical interest beyond the mundane is artistic, philosophical, some mix of those, or something novel like a spiritual or religious. It is and artistic interest, with some lighter mix of the other aspects, for me. I will eventually check around and see if I can find someone with a taste for, and understanding of, statistics to act as a type of informal adviser or mentor. Tea and coffee, rolls and pastries, and perhaps a monthly fine tea/coffee/chocolate house brunch for a lady or steak house night for a gent would be enough to cover their side of it. Hey, bribery works! And, bribery is not always a bad thing. What do you think your pay check is?

Ok, it turns out the snow was quite short lived and light. I could take a broom to it, but a shovel, let alone the snow blower, would do nothing. I did get a few things done though. Things which have been on my mind and not receiving their due.

I got on the horn to find out about my Ruger 22/45 .22. She is in the shop, and I am chomping at the bit to get her out and let her sing. The sight that came with it never quite worked, the adjustment to it was not functional. The replacement was horrid. So, this will be my first actual chance to see what this pistol can do, or more what I can do with her. I have no doubt she is better than I. I was able to speak with the gentleman who’s fine hands are treating my little one to some mechanical ministrations. He was worried that I might be in a hurry and want it back right away. Though technically completed, his hold up is that the weather has been a little rough so that getting her out to the range has not been practical for him. I indicated, quite clearly, that time was not as important as function. I suggested he take his time, and when it works to test it, and those tests are up to his specs, all would be well. Of course, I hope he enjoys plinking and playing too, there no reason a man should not whistle while he works. I assured him that I just wanted to make sure there was not a disconnect, for example if he had finished it but could not reach me, my phone number having been incorrectly written or read. It happens. For sure, I would rather have it done right than to have it right now. And, I respect a man who does things the right way, leaving professionals to do it their way most of the time and within reason is always a good plan. If he does a good job, and I am patient, I will have found a man I can work with in the future. Good gunsmiths are hard to find. (By the way, I found this one in the oddest way. A man I was speaking with, someone I ended up deciding I did not like for reasons I do not know or care, was telling me about this grumpy gunsmith who did things his own way. Haha There are SOME people whose advise is generally exactly what I intend to follow adversely, immediately, and with intent. He may not be a bugger, but he was a curmudgeon, a real one, and wrong almost every time he opened his too often open pie hole. Nothing personal mind you, ha!

Next, I called the cable company. I received a very good offer for cable TV. At $14 a month, for a year at least, I receive basic cable. It used to be $40 dollars. Now, I will not be watching it, unless it has FOX News. I used to watch National Geographic flicks, and really most of the nature, science, and sci-fi stations, but they all went so left and agenda driven that I refuse to watch. However, when my mother visits, she really does need something. At least, until I get another computer. I won’t give her another top end computer, she just lets brats play on it and mess it up, then opts for a $50 piece of junk because no one can fix and maintain the better equipment when she lets kids goof with it. Ack! Drats, I meant to contact the ski rental shop. However, a complication (complications really mess me up, sometimes job ending, in spite of all I am and am capable of being… odd, really, but true) has occurred. I seem to have lost the information. I know how to work around it, I know where to regain that information, I know a potential alternative source for that information, but I do not want that… Weird, some things have to be just so OR I DO NOT DO THEM. Ok, so I am trying to get around that. At least it is out, maybe with the mind puss being released I will be able to get on with it. Blarney and brimstone, lots of things tied up in there about things like this. I wish there was such a thing as an intellectual enema. So long as there was a place it could be deposited out of my sight and away from my knowledge.

I also called my mother. They put her on another medicine, painkiller actually. It sounds like her doctor thinks she is doing well, and probably pushing herself too hard (she always does). The surgery was more complicated than usual, and she needed two pints of blood during the surgery, it was a whole knee replacement surgery. Anyway, she became quite tired all of a sudden, and I let her know I just needed to be brought up to speed since I knew she was visiting her doctor today, and… I need to hear her voice, and know that she is functioning solidly, which I did. Oh, the wounds are healing very well, all looks good, and she is on her way to health. After a life with a bad back and bum knees, I wonder what she will be with both knees and her back finally in decent shape. I, of course, let her get back to sleep and suggested she call me next time, so that I do not become intrusive. Plus, then she can call when she has more energy to talk.

Update:

I actually finished several more tasks. Including paying my neighbor a visit. His youngest is going to be a pro-football player. He is just huge for his age, and active. We talked a bit, got caught up, and made some plans. He seems interested in skiing. When I get that going, I will let him know. I also worked on homework, although with little success. I finally broke down and wrote my instructor an email. I will try and work on some other areas of homework and extra work in the meantime. I also got Rocky some more goldfish. That crawdad has killed and eaten over 10 fish in the last two weeks. Oops, over 11. He is fast. There were some other things I did as well. Not great, but better than it was seeming. Oh, yes, I also tracked down a local U. of Iowa ski club web page, with rental facilities, recommended ski areas, and some other information. I suspect I will be placing a call tomorrow. I tried to email the club, to see if it is university only, but the email was returned. There are some more general numbers listed, but they seem to have office hours. I may try one of those Monday.

Back on track? Good Question.

Other than being more noisome in the blog world, and probably making a whole string of enemies, mostly women, minorities, the majority, the enemy, and some new and old friends, I think I am good today. With people very possibly calling for my blog head, others considering banning me for my very unpc spice, and perhaps even a few trying to figure out where I live so that they may beat themselves to death with my fury on my fists, I cannot help but think… I need a new kitchen rug. It is best to keep one’s mind on the important things. That is all I am saying.

Anyway, I am not sure I am back in the game. However, I was able to get the bookcase delivered, and was pleased to receive many thanks. It is rare the times I may be of service, am called on to be so, and then am serviceable successfully. So, it was good. Plus, it was something off my mind, and oddly, off other people’s minds. Sometimes, other people’s ease is more… satisfying. In some ways, I know neither ease nor discomfort. The beast just is.

School work beat me up. I am hoping I can figure a bit more out about the topic. I spoke for a goodly bit with my instructor tonight. He offered some serious suggestions, redirected my studies a bit, and indicated if I want it, it is there, but I will have to earn it. And, really, he is not being unfair. Though this material is not, at our level and generally, overly difficult, it is not something one learns overnight, nor is this something I wish to learn and forget. He has been fair, now it is my turn. The good thing about the discussion is that I was able to clear my own various twitches, panics, and paranoias. I often feel as if the professorship/instructors might be against me. Though, in truth, it might be (and very possibly is) the other way around, with these people hoping I make it. Of course, one might be against, one might be for, most could give a rat’s petuti either way through pure disinterest, too busy a life, or the understanding that attrition is real and harsh and they have learned to stand back a bit. I also wonder if I am too stupid to be doing this. Though none of it is impossible, neither is it easy. Still, none of it, save very few areas, are singularly extremely intense, if throughout the whole course load one understands and elevated sense of demand, constant, exacting, demand. And, you cannot learn any of this overnight. Bit by bit, you build. It is not unlike trying to create a savings account on a modest income, it takes discipline and devotion, and seemingly it can be blown very quickly (though losing it fast is more illusion than not, black dog effect or some such). So, that is where I am with that. We test in a couple weeks. I twitch, and study… *flick* Do they do brain enhancement surgery? I sure am not going to make it on looks.

I did not get much done today, other than bring the garbage barrel back, snow blow my driveway and sidewalk, my southern neighbors driveway, and my northern neighbors sidewalk, it was all each neighbor needed as it seems they or someone else had finished the other parts. Vroom! Vroom! My snow blower has 6 forward gears and 3 reverses, plus it has a foot and a half scoop, it is a monster. It was fun in any case. They would surely do it for me in spite of the fact that they NEVER DO! *laughs* They do not have a snow blower, and that is just a tease, and a little bit from my tobacco withdrawals. I have a 30’ plus double wide drive, and a good 50 feet of sidewalk or more, I would not ask someone to do that. Oh, I had left the house thinking I could get to school in plenty of time for the pre-study hour and office hour. Well, I blew that! I had not realized it snowed. Nobody deigned to tell me. At least I was coherent enough to not go with my first impulse. I had thought to just shovel it, but realized that would take a good hour just on my stuff. Not much faster with the snow blower, but some, enough, and it still took more than an hour with the snow blower, an hour and a half I think. I lost track of time and almost did not make it to class in time. But, being the amazing man thing I am, I was there in time, enough to help a friend who helped me by indicating he had missed something on the homework. Something he had discussed with me. I think he got the general gist of the thing A1, he just used an incorrect number in one calculation (but carried it through, so it all worked out, odd how that is). Because of some of the twists in the problems we are solving, however, it is not always easy to just change that number and what came from it… But I think he got it done. I am still dragging butt a bit, but things picked up somewhat. Tomorrow, or whenever I wake up, I would like to really dig into the work. I would like to try some of what my instructor suggested, and look some of the new and old material over with that in mind. I put it to him this way… I am not really after an A, I am after understanding which should produce an A. The A is nice, but it is merely a side effect. We will see. He said something interesting. He said a large part of who gets an A depends on who is ready to go on to the next classes. That just causes some thought, in a good way, but deeper.

So, off I go to bed… Well, when I can relax to sleep that is. Oh, as might be noticed, I have another day away from tobacco. I am still using a patch, 14mg, every other day. Next week I may cut that back to 7mg every other day. I dunno.

Cartoons, I just love them.

This one is really quite good. Of course, if you do not have nine and a half minutes... free up your schedule.

Tough Day.

I do not know what the problem is today. I could not wake up, when I did I could not get going. I have done almost nothing and still cannot get my feet underneath me. When I finally woke, I thought I was too late to get the trash out. Instead of pouting, however, I raced to get dressed, looked everywhere for a hat but finally just had to brush my hair to the best of my ability as fast as possible, then ran out to peek. The trash had not been taken, so I grabbed the barrel and got it to the street. I missed my appointment with the U of Iowa engineering intake guidance councilor. I did not even realize I had missed it until 15:30 or so. I had it in my phone, which has an alarm function. It was supposed to go off two hours before the meeting (so at 8:30 this morning it should have sounded). It did not, and it was beside my bed and on. Very frustrating. Again, rather than pout, I called the U., and got her phone number which I wanted anyway, then had them transfer me to her office. I spoke with voicemail, left a message indicating I would like to reschedule, left my phone number (slowly), and grumbled a bit at my foolishness. I may actually do something tonight, but I am just dragging. I received an email and something I needed in order to pick up the bookcase I had been asked to retrieve. I wrote back, because I was getting little in the way of direction in what where and when. I got back, from this source, a very direct and sure email. So, just so I do not end up empty handed today, I will really try and get this done. If not, early in the morning. Beyond all that, I just cannot get to study. I am exhausted and cannot focus. I will try, after a shower and the bookcase, but…

I am not sure what the deal is. I do know that panicking, pouting, and ignoring do not work. I also know, sometimes, nothing works. I will keep my goals in mind and push as hard as I can. I hate when I am excited about something, classes and continuing school, earning an income, and learning, only to be thwarted by… exhaustion, as in this case, or ghosts which I have been told do not even exist, or ghosts which unquestionably do exist from my past, or whatever. How can I be shut down by a wisp of doubt, how can memories cloud out the present and future so completely, why does an exhaustion that is neither physically earned nor related to present stress disable a healthy powerful mind and body? I do not care, in some ways, so long as I can push a bit and get it done. We will see.

On the up side…

Ok, so I maintain a little humor, even when there is not an up side. Well, time to shower and call. Strike that, call and shower if there is still time. I hope to wake enough to look over the homework tonight. It is not a lot, but it is important and involved, and new to me.

Not much done…

I have an appointment and I have a task for a friend, tomorrow. I had hoped to do a few things today, but no such luck. I awoke at a proper time considering when I went to sleep. I have been taking my medicine fairly well, and trying to brush my teeth more often (sort of trying to replace chewing with something other than eating… well, trying anyway). I tinkered on the kit for a bit, but nothing serious.

At least I am comfortable with the homework from class. And, honestly, because my physics is so weak, it is going to get harder very fast. But for today, I have managed to act like I knew what I was doing. Class is coming up shortly, I am ready. I will be going in a couple of hours early, first to spend about an hour reading and maybe rereading the old material if there is time, then spending some time in group study. Our instructor has suggested this. In spite of studying alone and with my old friend, I will probably partake in this every chance I get (as a plus, being on time for class is a lot less problematic).

I now have several resources regarding statistics. The woman I had asked for advice about study materials and a decent book did not give me enough information to comfortably place an order. I sent her an email again recently, but I have heard nothing back. There are about 30 books out their with the author’s names on them (two authors). Beyond that, I have been looking for the programs she suggested. I have only found one of them, but so far I have not found out if they have a student version. The other seems to be elusive. I see it talked about, or find a help book, and those are relatively current, but I cannot find the program’s home page, distributor, or author(s) page. I am in no great hurry, but it would be nice to get this settled in a reasonable time.

I cannot understand how I made it away from such strong suicidal notions. Neither did I transfer that to masochistic, sadistic, or homicidal urges. I did not fall for drugs, I did not become (more of) a sex addict. I should amend that, I am not a sex addict as such, I just have the drive of a Mack Truck. Meaning, I will not do anything and everything to have it but I will have it every chance I can, within some rather important (to some degree then, more so now, moral strictures, but certainly legal and ethical strictures). My interest is far more than any woman I have ever known can even think about dealing with. Still, I have managed with a single love, urhm, at any one time. Anyway, I did not go into that addiction. I did not find myself to prison, either. Really, if one has to fail, this has not been the worst of failures. I am not even, truly, poor, if lower in those measures than what my talents and natural forces would perhaps should generate. Sometimes, with just the right amount of salt and a perfect twist to the tongue in cheek, I can paint the thing so I look more like a caterwauling middle-class dramaticist, with nothing all that bad wrong with them or their world except that the sky is falling, and again, and then again, ad museum. It is not really so, but… Anyway, for being the type of cripple I am, I am grateful.

*poof*

Not a fantastic day, but I will take it.

No, friends, I did not cure a baffling and nearly inescapable form of cancer, I did not develop the next Nobel Prize winning scientific notion (as if that has any real meaning at this point, in any case), I did not even win a couple hundred million dollars. I am another day without tobacco. I did my homework, and did it fairly well considering I am just faking it, plus I went over and studied with the gentleman I studied with last term. We tried to figure some things out, or he did. I think he has a point, however, I do not think we understand well enough, the mathematics or the electronics, to try and combine calculus II and III with what we are doing, at this point for certain. Beyond, there is a far simpler and surer method. However, I do not want to lose the thread he started, either, as in real applications his method will work well, swiftly, and I believe much more eloquently (we are working on theoretical operations that probably will never be seen in work or real study). As well, earlier today I finally purchased an electronics kit. There are better ones, and if I finish this one and the labs within it, I may order a better one. I know a few good homes which would welcome this kit. I have already started playing with it, and purchased batteries and started up my old multi-meter as well, in order to add it to the learning mix.

I did not move fast or do a great deal today. I know I need to get cracking on my speech. I know I could push a little more in my studies. I know I need and want to get more information about ski rentals. Though I am not lazing completely, I did take today slowly. I will probably be slow to do too much until I get the hang of this class. Then these other things, along with a beginning study of statistics should begin as well. At least I feel more confident these days that these things are not just words. I will get to them, and probably much more. I am doing well, and I have found a capacity to follow up on my plans and expand and modify (more and more) as time goes on. I will not say I am well, I will say I have more potential to make it now than I ever have. The door really is open. I am excited, yet I will not sprint out and increase the risk of tripping. I will walk out of my prison. I will sit down from time to time to account for needs and wants to a small degree, and to be sure I have my heading and wits about me.

Tomorrow we will be having a long class. Usually we have an hour of lecture and then two hours of lab on Tuesdays. Our instructor believes we need to be advanced far enough in study that we may begin lab work, thus the extra class time. It will be a bit grueling though, 3 hours of any topic is enough to stretch the mind to boredom, even if care and capacity are in evidence. He seems like a straight shooter, and I enjoy his methods, and I am doing quite well, so I will just have to see.

Oh, I am still guilty of occasional flash-in-the-pan temper tantrums. I have noticed something odd, however. I think I have fewer of these in higher stress periods (like driving) than I used to, at this point in my regimen. I have also noticed it is much easier and quicker to get over them. I still want to gnaw on anything edible in several square miles around my general location. I realize I used to put chew in right after I ate, every time. So, since I do not have chew in, my body thinks it is still dinner time. I do have hard candy, but that does not help much. I am using a patch about every other day, just letting it wear out beyond use I believe. Eventually I hope to have my natural capacity to not take things on time to bring me to end even those. My study partner had 3 smokes tonight, though he steps out on his porch a bit. Still, it did not tempt me in the least. And, I finally gave him the lighter he had liked. He seemed reluctant to take it, I wonder if my conservativism is a significant issue for him, maybe his wife, perhaps both of them. Who knows. In any case, I am hoping to be done with this stupid addiction in a couple more weeks, a month at most.

So, like I said, nothing stellar, but I did not trip and break my neck. Oh, and I did pick up some more little goldfish friends for Rocky. The last crew seems to have found out why crawdads are best loved from afar. Tomorrow speeds my way, and I wish to do a few things before school, so off with my head… by pillow. Goodnight.

My last two posts were rather poorly written.

Well, I have been trying to put up at least a post a day. Somedays I will have little time to do a proper job, other days I might be ill, and on some days such as yesterday, I enjoyed both problems. The day before that though, my writing suffered mostly just because I was being rushed and I was sleepy to boot. A lot went on, and I enjoyed my friends visit, good food, a bit too much drink, and still got other things done to include a success in an area I really would not call my own. I just was not able to present those well. And today, I am just tired. I must still be recovering. (great scotch!)

This morning I was able to get up a little before 6:00. Which means my sleeping is back in order, to some degree. I have stayed away from tobacco, and the bite is mostly gone, but I still have a severe case of the munchies. As well, my moods can still tilt quickly from the nice fellow to the hang’in judge in short order. It must be 4 or 5 days now.

I woke up took care of my daily routine, had a bit to eat, then goofed for a bit. From the calls I received from my classmate, I was unsure about homework. I was nervous. I decided to re-scribe the notes, look at those as I did so, and then try to complete the problems. That actually went well. The book is not the best, the supplements I have are not the greatest, so I need to see if I have other texts and I really need to go get an electronic multi-kit and get batteries for my multi-meter so that I may actually check some problems. I would love to buy a quality kit oscilloscope and build it, but now is not quite the time. Perhaps if the VA comes through, I may use that money for such a thing. Perhaps I should speak with my professors and see what they think about it, whether they think the kit would be a good plan, and whether having one and or building one would really help. Still, I was able to rewrite the notes and then do the problems fairly quickly. I am not sure they are correct, but I think I did fine. I will go in early tomorrow and see if I can get a better idea. Our instructor has suggested we group up before class and show and tell a bit. Compare notes, as he put it.

I also phoned my Mother today. She is doing better, but she is still fairly groggy. She is doing her exercises, she has a friend staying, and she is improving. As long as she knows someone is out here and concerned, and she has some local resources, she will be fine. Luckily spring break is after my speech, so I will be able to take the whole week off and visit. With only one class, depending on how everything goes and the schedule for speech preparation meetings, I might be able to get down for a weekend or two in there as well. I am a little worried with it being winter and her not having as many friends as she used to, while being disabled by the surgery.

Well, another lame blog, but it is what I have for now. More later, maybe something decent. *poof*

What a busy few days.

My friend ended up stopping by yesterday. He was pretty much on time, and dinner was pretty much ready when he arrived. However, my scotch reserves were low and I thought to lay in a small keg of beer for the evening as well as the stronger spirits. So, off we went, first to this then to that store before finally finding the specific goods needed. A bottle of 12 year Balvenie single malt, a bottle of Chivas Regal (I had sort of hoped for Johnny Walker black as a lesser secondary, but I allowed him his preference on this), and then I ended up with two kegs of Spaten Premium beer (I made purchase of one for fear I would not find a chilled keg, as the first three stores had nothing, however, it was warm and I kept looking to see if I could find a chilled keg, which I finally did, thus two… and no skin off my nose even so).

We returned to my apartment and began sorting the food and drink, arranging the meal, and settling down to food, talk, and drink. Between the two of us, we ate the whole chuck roast, a goodly number of potatoes, a pound or two of vegetables, a keg of beer, a half gallon of tea, and a good part of each of those purchased bottles along with a decent portion of the Templeton rye whiskey I happened to have on hand.

Though I am sure there are better cooks, my method, obtained from several sources and then specialized my own way, usually produces a very fine roast. It no longer gets that hard meat texture, the grain and bite are smooth and just soft enough not to be soggy or loose (I prefer a little cohesion to my meats). It was a fine mellow rare-medium rare, and delicious. I make no guarantees when I cook that someone will like it, even if I do it exactly as I planned to do it. I do however have very specific goals with any food and I do have an informed pallet, sense of smell and taste (combined to some degree), and I am rather finicky about certain things. This was a pleasure to eat, knowing I had cooked it was a small pride. But the best part was that as I served it, I knew that whether he liked it or not, my guest was being served the finest roast I am able to produce.

A little beer to begin the meal, and we were off and running. We ate a bit together first, then one of us would talk a bit, the other take advantage of this and gobble a bit until it was his turn to talk. Between beer, food, and talk, we used a good number of hours. But the conversation did not become a bore, some things are just that way. Two curious, doubting, trying to understand minds, which go from mature to childish, and manly to foolish for no other reason than want can have a great time discussing things. After the meal, and before the real drinks, we decided to see each other’s newest guns. We actually have quite similar tastes. He has a .45 1911 for self defense. I liked it, it had a good feel and aimed well. He also has a stainless single action .22 revolver, a .22 luger style all stainless Ruger, and a 10/22 .22 long rifle. Now, all of my guns are new. When he lived next door I did not even have my shotgun yet. I think he was pleased and maybe a bit surprised that, true to my word, I had indeed taken to arms. He liked my choice in the XD, and liked how well it aimed for him. He also really enjoyed my jazzed up 10/22. The great thing about having him stop and us discussing this is I had purchased extended magazines (30’s) for my 10/22. However, the extended magazines will not work with the target barrel (or mine, for sure), so I had 2 magazines and a magazine loader that were useless to me, sitting around waiting for a new owner. After finding he had a standard 10/22 barrel, I found the equipment a new owner. I got those out and handed them over. He asked how much, and considering them a write-off, it came to zero. I figure if he gets some use out of them, that should be enough. Grad school will keep him broke for a while, broker than me for sure.

Well, we ended up having quite a night. As for sipping, I am a bit out of practice. I still gave it a good showing, and I enjoyed. But I certainly cannot swig a bottle of J. Walker black solo, plus sip a few other odds and ends. I am not sure how late we were up, but I do remember eventually getting him blankets, a flat sheet, and such for the couch, then heading for my own sack. I think I slept. In any case, I did wake up. I tried to get up around 8:00, emptying my bladder, then stumbling out to see if my guest was functional and in better shape than myself. Well, not really. He decided not to head out quite so early, and thought maybe a little more sleep would be good. I could not agree, more that is. So, off I went, resting a few more hours. I think we started waking around 12:00 or 13:00, I offered him a bagel, then had one myself. Though it was daylight, and we could have gone shooting, I think him starting out this late made that not possible. So, he loaded up and headed out. There are some people I really miss, he is among them. It is rare to find someone I can talk to and really, one I think has some clue what I am talking about. As well, I think he has some pretty good ideas and knows a few things, and can just say it too.

Well, it was getting late, and I knew I had to get some other plans on the road. I was to give my speech to a group of men tonight, some of them giving their own speech in the weeks to final and then as well to the whole group on our weekend retreat, some of them involved with the group in other ways. With my friend showing up and some complications of various sorts, I had not been doing a great job with the speech. I had finished it, but I had no time to actually practice it, let alone trimming, editing in other ways, or anything more than simply getting it done. I went to print it, but I had some weird trouble with my printer. I think it had to do with the fact that the drivers for it are haphazard productions for an all-in-one printer HP no longer wishes to support. Beyond that, the default printer mode does not seem to stick to this, so I end up sometimes getting a Windows XP printing program, one which does not support printing more than one page at a time. Anyway, so while I was working on this, time had become very short and I needed this thing to print. I get it going, start up the printing, and then go in to take a shower. As the printing begins, a paper falls, and I pick it up and am about to set it in the collector tray when I realize the print is rough, some of it is difficult to read. The black ink cartridge must be nearly done. As I am looking through the paper work to see if it will do, I blow my nose, and… swish… a gusher of a bloody nose. I have not had one of those in years, maybe decades. It really was spontaneous as my nose blowing had been quite tame. So, I run into the bathroom, hoping I did not get any blood on the paperwork as I am not sure I could reprint anything readable and would not want to take in bloody sheets to read from. As I get into the bathroom, either I reached to my face to adjust something, or place tissue to stem the bleeding, or to get my glasses to clean, I must have bumped them. At which time, the bolt comes undone and the glasses frame parts and I lose one lens. Amazingly I did not lose the bolt. But, I did have to try and get everything under control, get my shower, and get going. It was now a little after 18:00. I was exactly on time, well, if I was at the meeting place, dressed, and ready. No, I had to shower, dress, and drive 30 minutes or more, once I found the lost lens and the tools to repair my glasses then cleaned them, and made sure the document was all readable. A quick call to let the facilitator know I was indeed planning to be there but my planning was not really going well, and if that would be fine. It turns out that there was business regarding the weekend event which needed attention and I arrived exactly when I was needed. As well, I was not really important to the decisions as they were mostly administrative and dealt with the people who know who is doing what, how, and when, and so it worked out well. I am very glad I did not just give up, which I had thought about doing.

I think I surprised some people. Actually, I think I surprised all of them. I do not think they were quite prepared for the facts that I was came out and just stated about my life. I was not sure I would do it either. I know those men will be thinking about some things, and some things have a new and personal meaning to them. Actually, it went fairly well. The remarks and suggestions I received after I finished were extremely useful. As well, a few hugs and handshakes afterwards certainly made a difference. And, really, I did not feel all that bad or uncomfortable giving the speech. Some of it was a little tight, some of it shook me as I remembered, but it really went well, inside and out. Oh, I shook, giving the speech, but I would shake giving a speech about basketball too. I think I shook less on this than giving one about basketball. I think I will be able to really tack this down and turn out a top notch speech. With a little practice, I should do well. I just hope it serves a good purpose.

Oh, now to look at homework. I did not have my friend look at it. Something in his voice when I brought it up suggested that this was not a nice favor to ask. So, I let it slide. I am not sure if I will be able to find the solutions, or any assistance, nor am I sure I will have difficulty, but I know I had better get going on that. And, I think I had better begin finding resources. It sounds like this class is going to be a boot to the side of the head kind of fun. And, I am hoping that if I can help out my study partner from time to time, that like last time, it will be reciprocated. Beyond, since my goal is graduate school or law school, I really need to begin cracking down and owning this material. After speaking with my friend, he indicated that getting A’s and B’s is not enough. To do well, one really has to try and own the material, early on, and maintain that. Since this is my first engineering course actually dealing with engineering, it behooves me to buckle down hard and push. The math I think I can maintain, and expand. The physics… I will mostly have to figure out how to survive that, and actually figure out how to learn to own some small part of it. But the engineering material I cannot negotiate at all about. This is it, if I want more I have to bleed more, period.

And, beside that, I do not hate liberals.

I did not say I liked liberals though, either. Really, your politics probably has nothing to do with whether I like you or not, unless that is all you are. Yes, I have met some of those. And, generally, if they are indeed purists, that often was not a problem, so long as that puritanism was self-centered, self-based, and self-directed. It is only when an attempt to impose their new age puritanical putridocity upon my unhappy head that sparks flew. Tell me all about it, just do not try to guide or force me to it unless I ask. I will pick and choose, discard the rest, and if you want, I will tell you why. If you have time, I might even tell you what I believe and think, and some of why. However, I will suggest you not follow my path, in truth. I earned my way, could be wrong, and I am not sure you will fit in my group. I am pretty sure you would not have survived the trip. However, if your life has lead you to my doorstep in a search, and you think something I have found is worth investigating, I will help you find out one way or the other. I will not, probably, be a teacher. I know some and will introduce you to them. The best I can do is be a friend in that for as long as, well, until I am not or do not.

Life is very simple for me. Oh, sure, I have wants and needs. I am hungry for love and laughter, alone time, education, wisdom, and the company of both peers and mixed groups. I want to know this, I want to do that, I want to go here or there, and I want to stay home. Ok, I will admit it, I only want it all, now. That is part of the reason I do not go the liberal way, I know my wants cannot be met and my needs will be sore pressed to be properly handled (in part because of the wrongful but powerful pull of my wants!). I know better. I also have a firm grip on my emotions. What I feel at any given time is absolutely non-vital to anything except expanding the general notion that there is more to life than the mundane. It is what alcohol is to food, it could and in some cases does, replace it, but it is an empty pathetic replacement that leaves a bitter taste in the end. Emotion, like beer, is a spice of life, not the fulfillment of it. Emotion is what socialism is based upon, as any serious undertaking of study regarding it economically, historically, socially, or in any other way shows, and every time. Except, of course, by it’s adherents.

Again, I do not dislike based on this or that. I take in all I can, and go from there. But beyond that, I do not have to like someone to comment. Nor do I, in my comments to someone I do not like, need to attack, trip up, or be harmful to them or their thoughts. Though, I will not lie, sometimes a positive can be found apart from this or that. No, friends and allies are the ones I will tear into. I hope they understand, but in the battlefield of life, it is not always the best to warn. Flank the friend, so when his enemies do it, he has figured out a defense. Drop from the branches onto his falsely secure carcass, and show him whatfor. He will learn. What works in combat works in all types of combat, verbal to legal to sword.

Now, what I do not like is someone who “knows”. I do not even claim that. I do not even claim to know my Church, or it’s ways, let alone our God and His ways. I do not claim Bush, Reagan, or Thompson are right, or wrong. I only agree or disagree from time to time with this or that. So, any fool who knows the way to the salvation of manflesh is below my contempt. These are underclass uneducated emotionally based peasants trying to tell me how they would rule, or how their chosen leaders would rule. These peasants, the ones in tight with their manleaders. Sure, ok. Shut up, dork. For all you know the whole elite forum is made up of a secret cannibal forum, like you would even know. And those ideas about common rule, and social good, and free medicine are false devices created to lead you off a fucking cliff so that you can be fed upon (that last, which if not literal, is the real idea behind socialism, communism, progressivism, and modern liberalism). Doh! You know nothing. Less than I, and I am blind, deaf, dumb, and half asleep when I am not asleep. Then again, those on “my side” of the aisle who hold too much confidence, likewise cause concern. Only in doubt can the truer path be found. Communism is like a race car. It finds it’s way from the top of the mountain to the bottom at the speed of gravity, modified by whatever initial acceleration it could muster. Conservativism is the wagon train. You might not get to California from Boston, ever should you find a better place or grow weary, but even if you happen to die on the path, you most likely will have weeks or even months to try and figure out how to change that outcome. That is the difference.

Well, my rambling such and so forth is done, or I just do not want to write much more. Hmm, all messed up today still. Though tobacco is becoming a memory, mostly. It still confuses a bit. Oh, I got a call from a friend. I just got the message today, he called yesterday. I am beginning to hate my phone or service. In any case, I called back and I hope to see him today. Maybe to go out shooting, grab some scotch (after), and put a roast in the oven for our return. Nothing like having a good old friend stop in. So, I am hoping, but a bit doubtful at this time.

Update:

Cool! Ok, I did not explain it well above, but this is the deal. A former neighbor, the best neighbor I have had while living here in that I got to know him and we had a lot of fun from times to time, often scotch related, though often not, had called yesterday. He indicated he would be passing through and wanted to know if I would be here. Well, neither did I receive the call (I think the phone was on and with me almost always) nor did I receive the message until today. Thus, I am a little perturbed with my service or phone (not sure which is the problem, and not the first time). In any case, he is still on the road. He will be here around 18:00 to 18:30. I indicated I would put on a roast and some sides, obtain a bottle of scotch or two (variety is another spice of life, and I rarely use a single spice if I tend toward single malt, ha!). I asked if he needed the couch, and he said it was quite up to me. Well, not a problem. It will be too late to go out shooting, so I asked if he had time tomorrow. It sounds like he will have to get going early, so that might be out. Still, he has not yet seen my small, and growing, arsenal. I know he will like the .22 rifle, and most likely the .45. The Remington is fine, but it's just what it is. Oh, and he has not seen the Xterra either. So, it looks like a good night. By the way, he is a physics grad student. I still disagree with him, and often it is a learning experience. hehehe Oh well, at least I can learn.

On a side note, one of my current neighbors stopped by and asked if I knew my vehicle was running. It had been running when he left an hour and a half ago, and was still running when he got back though it looked like it had not been moved. Right he was. But, you know what? That Xterra must have been running since I went grocery shopping last night at about 23:00, until he visited this afternoon at 14:00! I do not think it had more than 3/4 of a thank of gas last night when I got home (max, that or less no doubt), it still has 1/4 of a tank. Wow, weird, but... ok. Is that normal? I guess maybe it is what people expect in an suv? It just seemed really weird to me.

Women are not liberal.

This could be trouble, but like weapons, fast cars, women in any case, and alcohol, a little is best, a lot is better (until it kills you), or so the thoughts sometimes go. So, here is hoping for just the right balance (knowing there is not a chance of it).

What, you say, “I know many liberal women, progressive through and through, socialist to the core, and only not communist because each is a bit too timid in her nature, save maybe Aunt Selly.”. Let me repeat, women are not liberal. Women are, by and large, cast in that mold, but they are just what they are. Only men can be liberal by choice, though conservativism is a whole different animal. Men, having to compete in both the physical and intellectual structures of society, having to face fist fight to debate, having to prove in or out by strength of mind and body, these may know liberalism and conservativism because they have seen, successfully or not, what the choices are and what they mean. Women have only ever truly seen one side, and not that completely. They are still shielded by society, by men, and they are allowed in places no man of their limitations would be allowed. As well, now they have the added power of legal mandates in the form of quotas and equality legislation behind the allowances.

The men who happen to choose liberalism, however, are a relatively small number, in nature. They were, before the bastardization of the political system, a sorry lot consisting of men who had little worth yet attempted to maintain impeccable tastes. In other words, men who could not but still wanted to gain and be rewarded as if they could. Whether they were lazy men, weak men, or just weak willed men, this is the basis for liberalism. Stalin had it, Hitler had it, Chavez has it, heck Blair has it, it being a distain for earned reward and personal responsibility. These men, all, not only support the female inclusion into politics, some of them invented it, locally if not truly, knowing the political outcome. The reason the number of liberal men has climbed is merely a matter of capitalism. They are going after women’s votes, because, as free as they are, woman seem to be smart enough not to vote for their own or even run, usually. So, they vote for women in drag, or at least men who act (if not really, at least publicly) like women think they should.

So, when a woman comes up with a socialist plan, I have to laugh. Neither did she come up with it, nor did she have much of a choice in believing such childish things, it is her nature. When a woman complains that men hate her, I have to laugh. Join the club sweetheart, and grow a pair or go home, it is what we go through every day. And may I say, those slacks make your butt look thi------->s big. Though that perpetual and whiny voice probably does not help you either. We generally do not talk a lot, men folk that is, and there is a reason for it. However, when a woman advocates a conservative idea, especially when she goes into detail, and further shows that it is not just a single issue but the whole of her beliefs and values, I have to think… now there is a woman who has gone beyond her nature, much as men until this most recent despicable decent into global socialism had gone beyond our animal instincts. “Liberal” woman are natural, conservative women are principled and of a higher order. Thinkers and realists, women who have set aside their natural needs produced by their limitations in order to see a truly fair system (fair of opportunity, not outcome), a sustainable system in that if it went forward we would not need to import baby makers, and healthy political systems based on human worth and actual freedom to go forth, truly it is a wonderful thing.

Someone asked, actually several on a number of issues, why I read some women’s blogs in spite of a perceived political difference. I gave a weak answer the last time, and did not answer much before that at all. So, after days of thought, or more(?), I decided to put the thing to rest. Simply put, hating a woman for being liberal would be akin to hating her for having breasts, being shorter, or having mood swings. It is their nature, if I do appreciate those who have gone beyond it, I will not despise those who cannot.

Getting better, but I would not call it heaven.

I was not able to sleep until 4:00 this morning, but that shaved an hour or more from last nights bedtime and I was able to awaken at 9:30. I had another really weird dream, though nowhere near as strange as the one from the previous night. It was something to do with billions of dollars being put into my account, how it got there, and what I did to ensure it stayed there, or at least stayed in my name. Hey, I was rich for a bit there. And, if I may say so, I made some pretty good financial moves. Oh, and it is really nice to have your own jet, do not let them try and fool you with the tears regarding expense and expenses. Trust me, if you have your own jet, one way or another, someone else IS paying for it.

Ok, today I have a few things to get done. I have someone stopping by between 13:00 and 17:00, which is irritating, as you all know. I will just tinker with and finish my writing today (first writing, anyway). I can polish it while practicing the oral presentation. And, I can get going on homework. I think it will be easy, but who knows. I am always a little nervous. My great weakness is physics, in functional knowledge. However, my insecurity in just doing, my confidence in the field that is, is also weak. I really hate being shot down, and a lot of our schooling so far seems to target doing just that. It is developed to seem simple, then become or actually already be complicated. This stuff can sneak up on you. Some of this is done with malice (trust me), some of it comes from the expectation that as a student here, I have been in school for the last 12 years, that I have been fully engaged in those years, and that I have covered this material so that what seems counterintuitive I am supposed to have experienced, probably many times and of course recently. That is not to say I cannot do it, it only means I will have to dig, relearn, and burn a bit. Until I am more sure about what holes in my education exist, and find a way to patch them, confidence will always be an issue. I am positive though, that at some point, this will ease, though too it will never be completely gone.

I also plan to get the car cleaned a bit today and call about mileage based servicing, and get that arranged. A little shopping seems to be in order, so hard candy will go on the list. The jitters are a little better this morning, but not a great deal better. The nice thing about doing this, or an excellent side effect anyway, is my mother is watching closely. She may consider quitting if I can trudge through. The doctors told her that her lungs are in excellent condition, go figure after 50 years of smoking (and knocking on wood), but I appreciate them being honest. Still, for her the expense and, as she will come to understand, the odor are strong incentives. But for me, it is her bed-smoking. That causes me no small concern.

Aha! I know what else I will be doing today. Two things, actually. The first is to start calling around in an attempt to find ski instructors. I wish to find out how much that is going to hurt, where and when it is available, and to get going on that. The second is to look online and on foot for an electronic multi-kit. I have found a place that sells a 500 project reusable kit for about $160 (which is the best I have seen anywhere, by far). I want to check anyway, and I would like to find component kits (resistors, capacitors, you know, the vital elctro-junk) in order to expand the function and range of any kit I purchase. I may just have to buy things piecemeal, an irritation no doubt, and something which would be a lot more complicated than I am quite interested in contemplating at the moment. One more thing… Well, a dozen more things, but…

I know I had said I would try to begin expanding, perhaps wholecloth redirecting my blog direction. And, it is still under consideration. However, at this time, I am under fire. Real life is pulling, tugging, and pushing, my favored addiction is trying to prevent my desertion from it, and the list of things I simply have to do has grown to mindslide proportions. As things settle, I hope to do precisely what I said I would do. Till then, just get off my back, man. It might even be advisable not too even look at me, and certainly not that way (whatever way “that way” is or could be construed) until my fingers quit seeming edible and my mind stops having to even actually think about that as a consideration, at a minimum. Or, to put it as diplomatically as I can muster, bugger off, eat the content of offal, and may your life be much shorter than the rotation of an electron in an atom smasher should this not be good enough and you wish to debate the issue. Hmm, that was actually fairly nice. I will work on it.

Nicotine.

I am really twitching. Even with the patch, I probably would not be fun to tinker with at the moment. It has added a little boost to my hop, no doubt. I believe I am still relatively coherent, but if a topic is complex, I have found myself lost and in over my head. I will do this, and I will get past this ugly phase. I have decided to do so, and that is that. I might lapse in a couple of weeks, our out right fail. I might fail in a few years. That does not matter a whit, so long as the rest of today and tomorrow I do not lapse, I will deal with the future in it’s time.

Oh, I think Waterboy had a point. Though it was not a snack to fill in for the last smoke, it was indeed too much food (and soda) filling in for that lack of chaw. I did not get the hard candies I had intended to buy. But it is on my list… wherever my list is. In any case, I do endeavor to have a beer once in a while in order that after four score I will persevere, or is that, be preserved. I am not an English major, minor, or general, I do not know these things. Well, three more sodas and a roast with the trimmings, and it is off to bed for me. *sigh*

Someone just shoot me. Not in the butt though, that would not be funny. Not at all funny. Goodnight.

Another one down, done, and tacked in. Next...

After the dream, I finally awoke around 11:00 I believe. I rolled out of the sack, drank something, saw to the brining of the cat’s water bowl (aka, pet fish cemetery), and sort of checked the news or whatever. Mental fog was thick, but I really had to get going. A shower, fresh clothes, and out the door I went. I made it to my doctor’s office before noon, filled and signed an informal release of information for my doctor and my voc. rehab. councilor. I am not sure it will come out the way I would like, but then, so be it. I then purchased a tag for my trash can and put it on. I took back the last of those movies. Then I goofed a bit, until about 15:30. My first class was today, but not until 18:00, which means a 17:00 depart time would have been sufficient. I wanted to see if I could purchase my book, lay in some possible supplies, and then leisurely find the classroom. It was snowing rather heavily, and I thought that might slow things, as it continued right to class time I was a little surprised they did not call off classes. In spite of 2”-4” of snow, class went as planned. Though the snow slowed traffic a little, I usually drive slower anyway, so it had little affect on my time. I found my book easily enough, bought some supplies, and found a place to settle in and review the material we might be about to cover in class. No real problem, nothing looked too complicated, and I read three units of the first chapter. I then glanced through a Schaum’s electronics outline, and just goofed with the information there.

It was excellent to be in class ahead of time (as usual, again), having read ahead (again), and be back in school at all. Oh, I have also found an online outlet for my specific course, from MIT. Thanks for the pointer, Jean. I am not sure how much is too much, but then I do not know what I face, yet. This is my first actual course in electronics (or at least for many years, and those early classes were technician based). I also plan on purchasing an electronic multi-kit with a breadboard. I still have my volt/amp/etc meter, and it would not be a bad thing to get skinnied up on this. Nothing helps me like playing around as if I know something. And just playing and tinkering with a goal in mind and the tools (toys) in hand is even a better way for me to learn. The professor, or teacher, he is rather informal, seems pretty on top of this. He is not going to be easy, or nice. But he is not going to be cruel. Exacting, demanding, and with very specific expectations and cut-offs. I can deal with that, win lose or draw. We did, of course, receive homework, though there were two types of homework. The obvious homework… problems in the book, we were given four of these. As well, we will need to keep a lab notebook, and he has a specific requirement for this. So, the other type of homework was to find then acquire (legal, moral, and ethical methods were not required, at least explicitly). Anyway, I decided to buy the ones I found on my way home, as ignoring implications has a bad way of ruining one’s day.

See, I got a lot done today. But the next few days are what might hurt a bit. I have to get going on the homework, I need to finish writing then begin practicing my speech, and I still have a few details from my list to manage. Uhrm, by the way, I cannot seem to find my list. I will have to write a new one, while looking for the old one. I know cleaning the vehicle, getting it scheduled for a check-up on the 1st, give or take, buy my books and supplies (check), and… hmmm, some other stuff. Drats! Oh, on top of that, I shoveled my 30’ drive (it is double wide, I just shoveled about 2/3 of it) and the sidewalks. It was 21:00 or later when I arrived home, and there was just a few inches of snow actually collected, so between the little there and the lateness, I decided the snow blower was not needed. Plus, I needed to do a little labor.

Oh, and by the way, I also bought a Schaum’s statistics outline. See, I’m on it.

All in all, not a bad day. It is also nearly my third tobacco free day. Damn, if it keeps going this good, I will need to get hit by a meteor in order to get back into normalcy. Shoot, I am not sure that will touch me in this time. But, then, I really am knocking on wood, talking softly, and just trying to keep this going long enough that I can gain my strength and confidence enough again that I can manage any little thing before it becomes too big to handle… *whistles* *whistles* Boneyard all around… *whistles* of times I almost made it… *whistles* or was sure I was getting out… *whistles* We will see. Hoo-Ha! Yeah, we will see.

Wow, talk about bizarre dreams…

It was not exactly a nightmare, and anyway, I did not think to try and add popcorn. But since I was playing the lead, I did not really have time to eat. In my dream, I was a demon looking creature, but there was a weird twist. See that picture I have as my avatar, imagine a female one. That was me. And, my side-kick was a pixie, also female, and a bit of a shape changer. We stormed Hell, literally. I am not sure if our presence there was punishment or a voluntary entrance in order to complete a task. We, mostly me, went around beating up groups of demons and devils and men who happened to be there. I do not know if they were just knocked out, died, or ran off, but I always won. Every once in a while, we (me and the side-kick) would find lipstick (do not ask, I do not know). We would try the new shade, then practice kissing, and get the lipstick worked in right, then move on to the next group of enemies. All in all, it was a great deal of fun. Of course, when that was pretty much finished, and we were done or earned our way out, or whatever, we met with some CIA agents in a van. That was weirder, and there are limits to what even I will say. It must have been the nicotine patch, too much food, and being extra tired. It was certainly a unique dream.

Did I really write that?

Sleep is elusive.

Two days and a night without nicotine and… sleep is difficult and I have really harsh heartburn. I so rarely get heartburn that I have nothing for it. Usually a glass of milk fixes that. To add to the sleeping problems, it turns into reflux when I decline. Now, my initial plan was to cut all smoking out for several weeks before I quit snuff. This I did. I then planned on going cold turkey from snuff for two days, then a patch if needed/desired(?). That would be tomorrow, but it looks like I will have to use the patch a little earlier. Yes, I actually do have a plan. And, even if I am off by 6 to 8 hours at this point, it is my first difficulty.

A patch and maybe some sleep. A patch, a glass of milk, and then sleep? I need sleeeeppppp. Does anyone know how long the withdrawals are severe? How long before I can get by a bit better, be a bit nicer, without a patch? Just curious about other people’s trials, errors, and successes. Anyone else have trouble with heartburn? I am a chewer, was… could be the difference. I have chewed since I was 12, smoked for at least 2 years before that, nothing illegal, by the smoke's own nature anyway. I will always have a hankering for it, too...

Ok, so I am actually impressed.

In my little world, I have just done a remarkable set of things. I have checked off 12 items from the list I created several days ago. As well, I finally left my house to see two movies in the theater, rented and watched four more, and went to a sporting goods store with a friend, to look at their sales, guns, and see if they would do some work on my .22 pistol. Believe it or not, doing the things I like to do, like watching movies, is just as difficult as doing those things I might not be expected to enjoy doing. Actually, some things are a bit confused along those lines. For example, though I truly despise, no hate, cleaning my bathroom, because I like the outcome so much more than the pleasure I derive from going to a movie or eating out, cleaning actually is preferable to eating a steak downtown. With energy and concentration of thought being the limits, cleaning is done less frequently than eating out or other little pleasures. Instead of high function being the priority my nature would tend to prefer, my reality tends to favor a lower echelon of function in which to anchor my deeds, for practical purposes. Sometimes I honestly wish I was retarded, lazy, or addicted. Those are real, understandable, and, even if despicable to some, real reasons to shoot for less than one’s otherwise best.

Anyway, I even got the trash out this morning. The bastards did not take it though, just leaving a note telling me I need to get a new sticker. I hope they like that opossum next week. I found it dead in the road in front of my place and did not want to keep running over it and have it stinking and being further spread around so, after it was good and dead (off to the side of the road with a kick, then allowed to debug for 24 hours), I put it in the bin. It has been warm around here lately. Above freezing fairly often. That thing will be nice and ripe. Good thing I did not catch them being creeps. I wonder if nicotine withdrawal is grounds for an insanity plea? And, yes, I am teasing, as I gnaw off a few fingers.

Oh, looks like my neighbors really have moved. All the furniture is gone, from the rooms I can see. There are a few filled trash bags in the kitchen area over there, the garage is empty, the car(s) have not been here for a bit… Looks like they split. Another neighbor, though very tentatively and cautiously, indicated that there may have been some disagreements next door and definitely saw a moving van or rider type vehicle. Hmm, having a door locked so well that you cannot be lived off seems to create problems for the needy. In any case, I am not unhappy about this. I hope my landlord uses a bit better sense when renting. If not, I am gone.

Ok, a few more things to do. Oh, and I even did some things not on my list, I am doing things well, I am not too tired, and it seems to be working out so far. Life will work, at this pace, I am pretty sure. But to increase the pace… I am working at it. Well, back to it. Remember, before walking into bars, duck. No reason to use your head when you could have just used your head. Or, think about it.

Update:

I keep getting more done. It is strange, to me. As I do things, I often find that I have to do as many as 2 or 3 additional steps to finish, some of those extend into the future through appointments or availability. Adding work, involvements, and complications to work in order to succeed. Yeah, ok, most of you know this. Most of you do not collapse and need sleep after a short run usually. It is not my body. It just hums along. Heavy weights... no problem, shovel a 20' drive... ok, hike 10 miles on a hot day... see ya there. But often, someone needs to take me there then start me out. Though, I still may not do whatever... stars have to be aligned or something. Most of you do not become confused beyond functioning when things become complicated, not calculus complicated, just a process requiring several different immediate processes or several processes you are not good at or with which you are unfamiliar.

I have been having a great lead up to class this term, and I think I am back on my way. The medicine does come through, if still a little on the mild side (a good thing). And, when I really push, I can get things to move. I can keep them moving a bit, and for a while now too. Boring to you normals, but it's news to me. After four years of perpetual gray exhaustion and confusion, this is a long awaited spring. Voc. Rehab. is planning on speaking with my doctor. It almost sounds as if that discussion is the most important, which makes sense. Oh, I have also been told that I will need to maintain a 3/4 level course load, as a minimum. I am a little nervous, but I think I can do this. Maybe more, I may be in better shape than ever before (since the fall), but... one thing at a time.

I have almost had a 12 hour work day, so far. I have made three appointments, contacted my medical facilitator in order to connect my doctor and my Voc. Rehab. councilor. Made several trips out for this or that. Found out what I need for those two to communicate legally and I will be doing that in the morning, while also taking care of a few other pieces of business while I am at it and there. I finally purchased some pals for Rocky (Rocky is my crawdad, his pals are 5 goldfish, he just loves them to death). My pistol is in a shop, in good hands from what I can tell, and I checked about a particular .308. I am just pricing at this point, but it seems they are not out yet anyway... I called my Mother, she is doing well after her surgery. She is still in the hospital but will probably be going home tomorrow, Friday if something comes up. And, after the stationary bicycle was a bit much for her, I started researching a bit. I found something called the gazelle. I have decided to get that to her for her recovery. If she does not like it, it can go back. But it is extremely low impact, it is easy for her to "mount", and she can use it without any resistance or with a goodly lot of it. But, she wouldn't be able to put it together, of course, so I made a call or two after that. I do not think it will be there the day she gets home, but by Monday, I am hoping. I have crossed as much off my list as possible, gone on to do at least one, maybe one and a half more list(s), and I am not quite done even with today. Tomorrow starts early again, and runs up until class is out at 8:00pm, I do believe.

Oh, right, I am looking for an electronic kit. You know, one of the non-solder multi-kits, one with a breadboard. For my electrical science class, and probably other classes, it would be quite nice. Along with my voltmeter, I should be able to play around and learn, and perhaps more practically, with the thing.

Maybe this ability to function will not last. I will take what I can get. I hope I am well caught up and a little ahead, if nothing else, if/when I crash again. But I am telling you, this IS very different and it IS winter, a very unusual mix. Well, back to it. Movies need to go back, an order placement or two needs to be made, and maybe one last phone call.

Oh, and goodnight.

I have to laugh.

My site meter counter has doubled this last week! I am so excited. It means my most frequent visitor is like a mouse in a cage. The only outlet being the running wheel (internet). I do not know why, but my counter keeps counting me. Well, look at it this way, at least I have one ardent follower! So do we all! And no, I do not keep going back to read the beautiful prose on my site. I am not even sure I LIKE the author, let alone his work. I visit for the links. I used to have them in my browser’s favorites, along with many more. Since the crash, I have not bothered to put them back since I am still unsure about this machine.

My dreams must be interesting, but I do not remember. My arms are sore, one of my biceps feels like one huge knot which, if I am not gentle with, will coil and cramp. It has several times already, as I tried to ignore it or show it who was boss. The other arm is only slightly better. My forearms are pretty rough. At least only one leg is slightly sore. I am really tired, and it has been like this for the last three mornings. I suspect I am missing out on some serious dreamage though. Then again, you know what? I am not sure I want to know. I wish I could take a peep, and if it was fun, just jump in.

I watched “No Country for Old Men” last night. I must admit, it was not great. In my estimation, it was not even good. The sociopath had too much self awareness, acted evil. I just do not believe most sociopaths have any clue. It is like the guy who cannot smell anything. He smells horrible and yet has not a clue. I do not even think they sense it enough to react to the reaction in others. A sociopath, in my worldview, is like a wolf or a snake or a bear. He will do terrible things, but to him it is no more evil than changing a light bulb. I have some suspicion that the reason Hollywood ALWAYS misses this is it is so full of them it does not wish to offend. It chooses them, then breeds them, inculcates them, protects them, and finally tries to make their way the new American way, whether via socialism, communism, feminism, or whatever typical populist mechanism is available to it. What happens in Hollywood, stays in Hollywood, even if it gets buried around Vegas. Oooohhhhhh, says Drothy, Glinda would never do that… Dorothy, you knew better from your momma, quit acting. And, when they paid your dog better than the troop of midgets, you could not have been sleeping. Beside that, what exactly did you do to get the part, probably with your mother’s full knowledge, perhaps under her advisement.

Ok, rant over, back to the movie. It was not memorable. It was not superb in any way. I had hoped the real lead would come through in quietude, I thought he might save the day with a counter position to the psychotic, such as he was. Either they had ruined the part of the sociopath too grievously for this to work, or they just butchered this counter part as badly as they did the killer’s part. I saw nothing but a dim blur of difference and an old man who thought he might give up or not. There was nothing built in, nothing to bite into, nothing to separate, and the horror was lame. I see an attempt at bluntness of delivery and simple art. In my estimation, it failed miserably. The artistry attempted ending up being more horrible than the killings or the killer. I did like some of the weapons. Well, one of them. A silenced shotgun? Sss a weat! That is it for positives.

The only movie I found truly superior all around was Apocalypto. The parts I really liked about AVP where here, plus many all it's own, on top of everything else being top notch, professional, beautiful, and artistic. As the movie follows lives in that initial lead into the movie, I was shown the simple humor, the simple life, the nature of things, as if I was there. All not only well done but beyond believable and into natural. The acting, my word, if that was actual acting, Hollywood should watch. I do not think it remembers, for the most part, how to act. It was as if anthropologists had hidden extremely good cameras and voice recording devices in the area and picked up truly native scenes. I have, of course, never been exposed to “virgin societies”. Of course, it is not possible. Even if they exist, being introduced would end that societies blindness. Yet, I have been a party to some rather tribal settings (of several types). It is not exactly my first choice, but compared to some modern company, it can be preferred. At least the unlearned and unwashed are often humble enough to understand that not only do they not know, they understand they probably cannot know. Only so-called intellectuals seem to miss this point. (think about that one) In that manner, they are refreshing. In any case, I believe the movie captured the potential naiveté of the people quite well. It is not just the peoples who become subjugated, even the conquerors are simple by today’s standards. At least, at our upper levels of decision making. There are far more inputs and the complexity of those inputs is astronomical, there are ethical, legal, and moral implications, and a chain of command exists which might be larger than the whole South American population of that day. Simple, simple lives, simple choices, the conclusions were never in doubt.

In the end, the beautiful thing of about the movie is that it captured the beauty, or at least the nature of, of the killer being killed by the killer being killed by the… Ok, you get the point. There are no underdogs worth supporting. One could say, what about the villagers? And I would say, sure, possibly. But there are a few provisos. What would this tribe have done to a group who encroached and did not move on through, honestly? What would it do if it’s number swelled beyond it’s boundaries capacity to support it’s population? As well, the story has to start somewhere, we could go back to Adam stomping on the first ameba to kick off man’s sins, but we did not, the movie did not, and so there we are in a simple village. After the conquerors road rough-shod over an ever expanding area, for centuries at least, the bully meets a bigger bully. And, the bigger bully did precisely what bullies do, and they should have seen that coming. As a fact, hehe, they did. Still, the Spaniards were relatively decent in comparison. Not one mass blood sacrifice ritual was performed for God. The dead were killed in war, though true too, many died as slaves working hard dangerous work. But do you think these people were not slaves before the Spaniards, for the most part? Do not be foolish. The only thing the Spaniards did was eliminate the one percentile native non-slave class and the massive blood rituals. I really hate it when communist revisionist historians lie. Yes, we have them in the church, too.

Do not even start with… Oh, but these people here were living separate indigenous lives… Yes, but only because whatever major collective tribe existing at the time did not yet get there, had culled the area already (if outside of the local memory) but recently enough that they were letting it repopulate, etc. Why more of the Native Americans, North and South, were not combined is probably a simple matter of food production. With enough, if not absolutely conclusive, evidences of feast, feminine, and famine to the point of cannibalism, food production just was not mature enough on this continent. And there was no off-continent or intra-continental trade to marginalize drought, disease, war, or other typical issues. Europe, Asia, perhaps parts of Africa, had each made attempts at agriculture. It seems the more prolific the trader, the better the population they represented. Right or wrong, weak people are destroyed or used, underfoot as they are while, and especially while bringing no real value to a pagan or godless world. In modern parlance, if people own thousands of farm acres but neither farm nor build on them, our government or some private entity, or even a group of those, might very well find a way to strip the land away from whoever owns it and then use it for crops, housing plots, or whatever will benefit most those who have undertaken the theft. More so under liberal governance, have now doubt. (look at the judges who voted in favor of the government land grab which turned that land over to contractors with the logic that the government would get more tax revenue and the contractors would come out ahead too, evil today or centuries ago, but not unknown).

Again, it was an excellent movie. It’s portrayal of the native people was amazing. It’s look at the way things very well might have been is as accurate as could be produced. With the art and touches in the film, I doubt if any pure science could do better. As well, I think the science used was top notch. If it does not fit with common conventions, more likely than not, it is common convention which is incorrect. I would have no problems letting my children, say age 8, maybe a little older, watch it. I do not have kids though, so… take my advice for what it is worth. My kids will not be pussified… that is all I am saying.

Oh, and I tried to stay on course with the reviews. I just could not get it done. There are NO SPANIARD attacks in the movie, it's all Indians. I went way off track.

Oh, yeah. Day two of no tobacco. I am still grumpy. But, it is sort of a sneaky grumpiness. Rather than just bellowing like a bull and charging, this crankiness sets people up, then WHAM! So, be NICE or I may bite. *bite!* Hey, I can see it, and I can and do try to mitigate, but I am glad I am not someone bringing me bad news or disagreeing with me today. Wow… hehe Excuse me while I go chew on an iron bar.