Actually, I think, I am losing weight again.

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How, you might ask? None of your d... Oh, right, I DID start it. In the past, I would often go without eating for large periods of time, anywhere from eating once to a day to eating three times a week or less. But those meals were huge. The problem with fasting large periods of time, only to feast, is that the body then holds on to every drop of calorie it can, in the form of fat. If I did not gain weight, my body did maintain right at 300 pounds for years that way. I have been eating two meals a day. They have been relatively light, a 4 egg and cup and a half of cheese type omelet for breakfast and a couple cups of stew for dinner, for example. My mornings and afternoons are, again, on the swing, but I do have a relative morning and afternoon, so I space my meals. Then again, my stomach is getting used to being fed regularly and, just like the cats, lets me know when it is dinner time. (If I sleep a little long, Sassy will knock a book or game set over to wake me, finding that trouncing popa and trying direct strategy can have... unintended consequences... *grab* *wrowrrr!* *fling* *thud* Sorry, but I have little control at some points in pseudo consciousness.)

Anyway, eating two medium caloried meals a day is all it is taking. My gut, sometimes sadly to me, is dying... but not of starvation. Darn it, that was the only thing I have that was truly bought, paid for and then some! Still, I do not mind seeing it go. I remember when I could pinch an inch, but that pinch was over steel. Never could lose that last bit, but at 6'4", 240, benching 550, I was wearing size 31 waist. Yeah, so shut it. I know what a man can be, and lose. I will never be there again, but I did have a zenith like few men ever will. Sad, to think back on that and then look in the mirror, especially being crippled. Actually, it used to cause rage in me, which would push me to manic attempts to... walk. *sigh* That... did not help. Age and wisdom have allowed me to just remember and enjoy having had such a time. Still, losing some of that gut is not all bad to me.

Well, just waking up so I will get on with that. Good... well, day.

The death of the dollar!

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Oh really? I keep hearing about this. The dollar is finished. China will... find something else. Oil will be denominated in... something else. What, exactly? The Euro perhaps? Not a chance. It is destined not to decline but to irrevocably default in less than a decade most likely. All it will take is one or two minor financially troubled nations pulling out of the Euro, leaving their debt of course, for that deck of cards to crumble. With the rioting going on, simple fear of the peasants might leave no option. Chinese currency? No one outside of China buys into it, uses it, or trusts it. Even the Chinese government uses it mostly as it's play thing. They would never invest in their own currency. Oil, gold, silver, platinum? No, all of those are too volatile. Those markets are driven by the rich, for the rich. Even China knows better than to bet against their supposed allies, such as Soros.

The dollar is and will continue to decline. There is no doubt. But to decline may be far better than increase in value. Ask Europeans. Even setting aside the worry about the actual collapse of the Euro, just going by the relative worth of the Euro, it becomes difficult for the average man to split his dollar around. There is no latitude, fiscally speaking, for those on the margins of the economic world. Of course, devaluing such as what happened to the peso is the other side. I do not see that happening any time soon.

So, what is the answer? The answer is, the world goes into economic decline. It is global and will remain so. It looks like those in power have decided rather than to climb up, as a nation here in the US and more broadly world wide, it is better to decline. Governments, worldwide, are doing everything they can to stifle economic growth. Some billionaires are in on it. They get their margins and do not really like competition anyway. But the dollar is not going anywhere soon. It is merely being adjusted to world standards (of poverty). It will probably remain the standard for at least the foreseeable future.

Of course, unless we change politicians and get a good grip on the ears we replace these fobs with, expect a lifestyle not unlike that lived by those in China and Russia. Most will be on the brink of starvation with elites living like kings. Odd, in a nation used to living well, that so many would hand it over in the hopes of some sick notion like diversity. Most are so into their bags of junk (pot, porn, abortion, feminism and other egalitarian socialist ideals, take your pick) that they cannot even see the lies they preach. They are so into it and the untruthful world they have built around the junk of life that they literally cannot and will not see that who they are voting for and what they support has to by necessity of design take away their goodies. Socialism does not have enough to allow for such things. It is on the wrong side of the margins. If anything, that is the shiny side of the coin. Then again, nothing shines in hell quite like 30 pieces of worthless silver by which any man can sell everything. I guess I am saying, in other words, that shiny in some instances is fools gold. Again, put a bit more simply, the bright side of this is not so bright for the cost.

Bah! I need to get going. Good day... mostly.

Things that bother me to curiosity.

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There were things about Iowa City I did not like. Well, starting with about everything, then moving on. The exceptions were notable. Now, organic foods have no place in my heart, only being somewhat acceptable when fresh, good, standard food was not available and should I have the coin to toss in on it, and then more for special meals. The store that sold organics, the local coop, was a place I knew as my lady friend pretty much lived there. Odd thing about the coops, the people who go there are the most bitter, ruthless, nasty people you would ever want to meet... to include my lady friend, though I think I actually softened her just by extension somehow. Anyway... They sold fish and seafood there, mostly non-organic. And, for whatever reason, it was always absolutely delicious. Further, it was, for whatever reason, less expensive than any of the local markets, including the bigger grocery store chains. The odd thing? I found out they all had the exact same source for the very same food. Same source, same grade, everything. Could the quality be in how the food was handled, how it was thawed, or... what? Cheaper, honestly better, and should you need you could also (safely) store that food in the fridge a few days (though who wants that, but life does intrude).

Just waking up. I had fish last night and... it was retched. No, I cooked it just right. I bought the fish in a big pouch, but inside each fillet had been individually pouched. I thawed it slowly (I have tried several methods of thawing). I have not found a good, trusted, vendor of seafood out here yet. Still looking. Something odd is going on with the food markets. Not just here, but nation and maybe worldwide. I am, struggling with food costs. I could not imagine what someone earning half my income must be feeling. It could not be full, not often. Even those on the fatter double side must be wondering what is going on. Life is tightening to the point where it feels like the Scrooge is handling finances. And, that will make it so good food becomes more and more scarce, I think. Yeah, it bothers me.

A bit at a time, as usual.

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It started with just one thing. I did one thing that had been on my mind during a day, and as a planned event. It was minor, I cannot even remember what. But, I did it. Then, some time or days later, I planned another foray into the seeming unknown world of flesh. I planned several things. It builds until I am beginning to do more things. Today was, given recent history, epic. I will not bore you with the details, only that I have done more than I have in a month. And... I am not finished. I have three more scheduled chores and then a treat, fried fish. After which, I will clean the particular mess I made in producing the feast.

Tomorrow? I do not know. Maybe more, maybe no more until the day after. I would love to say, "Why, yes, indeed, tomorrow I will redouble my count and triple the score!", but I know I cannot say that. What I can say is that I try. And when it works, it works well. I hate to jinx things, but I think I am coming back around. To what ends or how well I never know.

Funny, I was thinking just the other day about when I thought merely keeping up on housework, cooking, shopping, and getting out several times a week was so flat. Those, if truly mild, were fantastic days when put in the proper perspective. Odd how easily we forget how fragile and weak we can be. And yet, in spite of it all, how strong we are in spite of even that. My resilience and strength may not be in those direct aspects, but in that I still care enough to give it what I have when I have it. Like the widow and the coin, though it be little compared to the vast gold coin the merchants and princes add to the coffer, what I add is more as it is all I have. Maybe.

Anyway, just thought I would share some joyous news for a change. Be well.

We will see, again...

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I have to push here. Waiting is not working. I am behind three different 8 balls and will have to hit it hard. Still, I am in place again to try. Like a revolver, I can only even try to fire within mechanical limits. It is time to see if there actually is something in the chamber this time, then whether it will take the strike and activate. Well, I know there is something in there. I just do not know if the primer got wet, the powder got wet, or such.

I gave the felines a treat meal tonight. I have been out of milk for two days. When that happens, I bribe them with a little more of the soft stuff they love. I will be going to the store tonight. While cleaning their litter boxes, I noticed something. With two boxes, they choose one for wet (mostly) and one for dry. That may not be brilliant, but that is also not to bad. Cats, for the most part, are of animal intelligence. That does not mean they are without reason. I am a bit amazed at this, especially with pretty much a kitty in the mix.

Well, a shower, shave, some additional grooming, and late as it is to the store I will go. I might even pick up something fast to eat for me. I really have not been eating much. Every other day, give or take, something goes down the gullet. When Sassy gets a little unhappy that her dinner is an hour late, I try to remind her she is eating better than I am. That, I am assured, is of little consequence to the little princess. Heh... Sam is much more laid back. She just lets me know it is time, then wanders off. To be back should telling me once not have done the trick.

Sam is a little smarter than the average cat though. She not only can, but does communicate with me rather well. She can pout, and does. She has moods to be sure. But she can think well outside the box as well. Sassy? Not so much. But she is still a baby. I cannot tell yet if she will grow up to be a cat or grow up to be a mini-person. Both remind me of children though, in furry pajamas.

Well, time to get something going. A little blog reading, a shower, and off I must get. Good night.

While I have been doing nothing...

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I have at least managed to level my WoW toon. From 80 to 85, from an AiL (Average Item Level) of... something to 344 (or gs from 5k to 7.5k), and figured out gems, enchants, and such so that the equipment is top geared within capactiy so that Cataclysm heroics are now counted as trivial (if the truth of that depends a whole lot on the group I PUG (pick-up game... think basketball court on the weekends). Normal Cata, as we like to name the recent expansion pack, are trivial. I cannot always keep noobs alive, but I can usually get even a rough group through most of the ground fire (if they are awake, aware, and trying I can keep all alive). Quite a change from my first attempt at healing. Then again, the devs (developer as we lovingly (and not) call them) had to back off on the harsh nerf of healers (they had restricted abilities too much, and to some large degree that remains).

I have 3 toons (oh, what we call characters in the game, and again, sometimes lovingly sometimes not) at level 80, ready to go into the grinder. The good thing is, since my main toon is doing randoms (both heroic and not), I have learned many of the dungeons. That is about a third of the game. Skill at using the toon skills and abilities is a third, and gear is a third. Though two of those can often overcome one of those, to a degree.

Of course, this has required that I do not just do something, but sit there! So, I have. Well, the option would have been to sleep a lot more, so I take it. Trust me. I went without gaming for two years. I had the same wants and wishes. And... I merely slept more, lots more. Television does not do it and my will is no better with or without games. Well, that is my update. I baked a little chicken, as I call them (Cornish game hen), and will be devouring it shortly. Dishes and shopping are on the list tonight. We will see. Oh, and I have been getting coffee in, more regularly. I am hoping to leave soda completely, eventually, but for now will keep it on hand for when caffeine production grinds to a stupid halt. Bah! It happens.

Later.

I have heard it three times.

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Three times, I say, recently, I have heard that I would be a good catch or something along those lines. Now, being a rational man, I stop and think. Ah, if I have heard this from three different people, two men and a woman, it must be wrong. I have so little to offer. I sleep a odd schedule. I am messy. I definitely have some problems. I am not violent, I do not drink heavily (or almost at all these days), I make some limited money, I "have" a house, but there really is not all that much there a woman could like. Attitude or how I deal with women and life is something they have liked in the past. Be the boss, they will do the work, sometimes happily.

No, it just does not make sense. Oh, I would love to have a wife. Fine creatures, if they put their mind to it. They are the only way to a full family and a major part of it. Not always the brightest tulips in the field, but their efforts and variety of knowledge bases can easily make up for that (think broadband versus high speed maybe?). Yeah, yeah, I dig holes by telling it like I see it. And yet, that seems a better hook to the free range women I have met than being nice ever will be. Attitude, at least without even meaning to be mean.

Just wondering what the heck people are thinking these days. Will they not let a sleeping dog lay, lie? Both? Anywhile, such talk disturbs the smooth pool that is the surface of my mind. Deep or shallow, I do like the surface smooth. Well, not really, or I would not have a cat and kitten. But that is the story that I am sticking with at the moment. Explain why you think I would be a catch... Crazy talk...

Good night, morning for you all probably. Later.

Oh, right.

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Someone has been chewing up my time posting here and I have not, until today, chastised her properly by adding her blog to my roll. Well, take that you wonder type! You know of whom I speak.

Okay, so my rocket powered re-entry into the world of the living wend ka-poof. I am still plotting my exodus from my frozen wastelands, though I am starting to wonder. Like the cat who (should say which, but... Sam is watching as I write) plots to get outside and RUN AWAY, only to, when outside, realize inside is... has... advantages teh hard-sh world does not, we both crumble. Only, I really do like outside. For... visits anyway. Whatever, I will keep plotting. I will keep trying. And who knows, I might just make it.

The weather has been fantastic. I really wanted to go out. Then again, where would I go and what would I do? I am no longer familiar with that world. I only know one human close enough to visit. There are things to do, but they all cost money. Hmm, walking. I really ought to get my kit together and go for little walks. With the warm weather, the road crew has taken the opportunity to clear the road skirts. Still, it could get really messy with traffic going by. Anyway... Plotting to get out without a plan to do something when out will lead to abject failure. Hmm, maybe a drive to Smithfield, a trip on the shuttle to Logan, and then a walk? Too much time, I get tired and... just want to go home. Very tired. Very quickly. Okay, WW, this is Mamby Pamby land. Ah, now I see it. It's... tucked in the details... innit? Yeah.

Anyway, let me... try to clear some baffles and get going. Yes, I know I am like a kitten stuck in a ball of yarn, struggling against my own prison... to a degree. The threads, now, are real. How do I simply walk away? Stuck. I am hoping they have some form of therapy that allows me to not unravel but to learn to not play losing games. I will seek this. I know it relates to a life of losses and pain. Stuff I cannot see or feel anymore. Ghost threads of teh killerz kitteh!

Reality is knocking at my door.

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Should I grant it access?

I woke this morning to try and figure out how to extricate myself from the discombobulated aspects of my near recent walk through the non-garden section of life as we know it here and now. Or, I am hoping this is the day I will figure out how to take care of some nagging chores and check on some bills and figure out what is going on with the V.A. Well, the world wanted to give me incentive and throw a wrench into the works. The hot water heater is dripping, down (and out) the drain connector where one would connect a hose to drain the device before repairs or replacement. So, I will need to figure this, too, out today... or... soon.

A shower. The first in... read "or... soon." above and you will have some idea. I lost track. Ah, but it FEELS SOOOO GOOD! I somehow doubt people who bath or shower every day or at worst every other day have any idea how good that first shower in 'x' days feels. After I do some waking up, check on some things, then can relax a bit later this evening, I am contemplating a soak bath then another shower. I love baths but, even if clean going in I feel grungy coming out. And I hate the hair thing. I cannot easily wash my hair in a bath. Baths were made for littlen's. At 6'4" and 260, most baths are tight. I get about two buckets of water in with me is all, it seems. Still, a bath is on my menu.

I have a question for you. I am battling, and losing harshly, my exhaustion. The caffeine I take helps me maintain an absolute scrub high minimum. I know if I add sugar, I can raise that bar and do more, on a short term basis. I also know that, sugar is a slow but sure poison to me. My diabetes seems to be under control through food alone. Do I take poison to gain altitude or stay in this prison of ice until it eventually thaws? What would you do? Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the lamest of them all? Well, do not just do something, SIT THERE! hah

Well, on to waking up. Have a good day.

Critical thinking waxing?

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Say it is not so! Anyone who talks to young people and many adults has to have come to this conclusion long ago. Not that it is a new phenomenon. It was just so, for the majority of people, for the majority of time. And, sometimes, it is rightly just so. A man who is living on the margins, even as a professional or craftsman or such, simply cannot afford to dream, not too much. As well, changing how he does things too much can be catastrophic, even if done correctly for the most part, due to social norms, tradition, and parts or other availability. It can become a tangled web very quickly. As well, who can or really wants to reinvent the wheel every single day?

Schools teach people to not critically think. They do not directly emphasize group think, they do encourage it for simplicity on their part. If everyone was exactly equal, save their pet smart kids who go into their pet smart classes, who are no better at critical thought but are more interested and possibly able in a few areas, life would be so much easier. And the smart kids can simply be led astray by the system's pet smart kid teacher. Never met a moral ap teacher. Then again, I only met a few teachers with much morals of which to speak. No, Johny, social equality is not moral. Bah!

Television does little to improve critical thinking. Games actually can, if you are willing to invest the time in slowing down leveling and learn what you are doing to try and improve your performance or tweak how well you can perform. For some large portion of the gaming world, however, it is all about gaining another level, a few more gold, or a new mount, ignoring any learning lessons whatsoever. They use cookie cutter builds, components, equipment, and either work longer or take longer. Though short cuts through critical thinking are as apt to fail as not. Actually more so. Much like academics, when it was interested in doing so, it is the journey not necessarily the ends. Looking for the needle in the haystack rarely yields needles, is messy, and can be frustrating. Besides, who needs needles? Either do it because you enjoy the hunt or get out of the critical thinking game. (Ever known a critical thinker who does not lose often? Self admittedly? Then you have never known a critical thinker.)

Me you ask? I try to optimize, when I can function. But I am no true critical thinker. I like to think I am, I can 'go deep' sometimes, and sometimes I can and do crack a code or two. But I would not wish to live there. It is intellectual race car driving. One error and you are trashed on the side of the 'mind road'. Your opponents do not have pity or sympathy. And, your work often comes to naught. I try to save those skills for the moral of life. How should I react to this man who just did so and such? Is forgiveness just to be given without it being begged? How does God interact with the world and me? Still, I cannot completely leave out things on terra firma. My flesh abides here, and sometimes my intellect. And it is interesting to tinker, albeit knowing I will never know all, most, or even the better part of a small chunk of it, let alone optimize what I know. Given that, there you go. Critical thinker or not, that is where I am and part of how I operate here. What about you?

Enough. I blather like a little girl. But the thoughts, when triggered, just flow. And, the questions begin. Answers roll in, but always bringing with them even more questions until I run a thing down to as far as I wish to go, spending more time than I want usually. Ah, but I enjoy the trip. Good day.

Oh, who says you cannot have it all?

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Hmm, I would like to say God. But, as I see things, He has given us everything including the opportunity to be His immortal children. I am not sure exactly what that means, but taken literally, it means an awful lot. No, we are our limiters. We limit ourselves on earth, we might nix heaven, it is not God who does this. Our sins, if nothing else, have lead us to the failings of flesh which might be our binds, as is my case. Not my personal sins, our original sin, is what got us here.

Blathering. Fine. Oh, but I did get some things done today. Not much. More than I had expected if only what I had hoped. I am again trying to dig out of the hole I am in. We will see. I feel almost like a groundhog. I wonder if they ever figure out it is merely their shadow that scares them back into their hole? Then again, without that fear, given their many limitations, the ones who figure it out and do not scurry do not live to create another iteration of the fearless sort. I do not, like them probably, know what my "shadow" is. But just as surely as they, it drives me back into my hole. Fairly I suppose. How many times can a guy die or be close enough to it to realize the fundamental reality of it before... losing his edge... or gaining it as some might prefer to suggest? A even dozen would do it, and that is about my count.

Still, I will sally forth as soon as I... can? will? I hate the cave. It is a good cave. It is, sort of, my cave. I have friends here. I have things to do. Being stuck, I would guess, even in heaven if one should not wish to be there, would be... difficult. And stuck I am. Sam. With green ham. When I... leave that out too long. Ha. Blathering. Tired. Bedtime.

Good night.

Crash helmet anyone?

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Pounding my head against the walls to try and get my legs back under me. I do have a headache and the wall looks sort of funny now. Legs remain firmly dispossessed of function. Well, that was fun. Perhaps I ought to become a goth cutter girl? Bah, it would not work, I cannot enjoy pain like the rest of you lucky saps. No, I will simply have to figure out the tangle and get one thread apart at a time. The threads appear faster than I can work though. It is a darn good thing they retired me. Then again, I do not think there was much choice. They nor I could change that.

I did do a few things today, and might do a few more. Dinner and a movie, something for the headache, trash out, dishes set to soak, again. And maybe bedtime if I can coax the neurons to cease and desist. It is not all that much but it would be a recent record level of activity. Just what else I have done today is record setting. I need to make a goal to get the house cleaned up, dishes done, and driveway cleared so that I can have my friend for dinner. Right after I win the lottery (which I do not play)? Could be, but that is... the focus. If there is such a thing.

Well, good night. Probably. It is good here, just a little frustratingly slow. Be well.

With the right tools...

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Coffee was good, but even two pots a day was not enough. Perhaps it simply is not the best type of caffeine transference for my system? It can give me a jolt. It is tasty, served the way I like it or even not to be honest and with the right basic ingredients, but it does not function to keep me up. Soda does, for whatever reason, help me stay awake. I would like to add coffee, maybe even to switch over to it. Right now I can do little more than stay awake. So, we will see.

Wretchedly tired this morning but I did wake before the alarm. I gave myself eight hours to sleep, rather than push right at this moment in my life events. For the second day in a row I was up and at it before the alarm. With a longer term goal to make 6:00 my waking time, I think my body is just trying to comply. And in spite of, as I said, being very tired, I am able to do this. I feel like a clown telling you about such small successes, at times. Anyone who did not understand would think it laughable. And, I suppose, it is. For me it is as big as a sometimes quadriplegic being able to move a few fingers. Which, too, is to some laughable. Then again, some people should be beaten around the head and shoulders on a regular basis, rotten to the core, as my father used to tease was my case. Tease? Mostly, generally, jovially. I tease, mostly, if not so convivially. Hmm, maybe he was right. Maybe I am. Could we both be correct? Could Beee!

I am not sure what I am doing today. It will be a test to stay up until bedtime. Perhaps I can dig into some chores, mail my package, cook some food, or otherwise be a typical human. For now my goal is to stay awake as long as I can on two of my eight cylinders cranking. I am avoiding hills, high altitude running, and even downhill runs in case the gas in my tank should reach such a tipping point that the engine dies. Steady as she goes, one quarter steam ahead, damn the... pillows? Yes, indeed. That is all.

Have a good day.

Odd?

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Perhaps. This whole thing about Gifford being shot... really, it is not of importance. If that was you or I it would not be news. And, so it is not, for me. If I am going to worry about people, it is the people in the margins or below them. People who have little protections, who have no power, who have never known even the level of wealth this woman knew, who have never known real success. These are the ones who concern me. Not some woman who pretty much had it all, as far as women go. No, that is not the odd part.

I keep considering the woman who is representing the shooter. That, to me, is odd. No, I do not hope she "wins". I do not wish to see that man loose. Neither do I want to see her attacked for doing exactly what the law, on paper and in spirit, lays forth. I do not always like the notion that people receive legal council which could free them from real guilt. I do not like that. As with gun rights and the costs associated with those rights, I would rather have a fair system in which some incorrectly are released than one in which there exists no truth in law. It is a price for a given outcome, in an imperfect world. I worry more about her than Gifford.

We are in a spot, here, politically, with real threats to many of our rights, because many of us (the majority) would not agree on a candidate. Then again, I think McCain was rigged in to lose. Whether by Democrats or the RNC, or both, it does not matter. Still, we did not take charge, put our people in place, get out and nix McCain, and we are here because of it. I hope we have learned. We will be paying for this mistake for the rest of our lives. The children of this generation's grandchildren will be paying for it. I guess our only hope is that they will learn from our failings and simply pay the piper without becoming a slave to him. We will see.

A good day today. My friend and myself made it to Ogden. He bought powder, bullets, and cases for his chosen ammunition. I found a book I have been looking to buy. We shopped several stores, finding bits in each. Then a dinner out. Oh that was good. The drive to Ogden was fine, the drive back was a little spooky. The pass, when it snows, is blizzard like. Winds are always going up there, winter or summer. A little snow and the road becomes invisible. As well, at the lower elevations on that side, it was raining then snowing. The fear of freezing was there. We made it back, safe and sound. I remembered to snag extra soda and another gallon of milk before retiring from the world for a bit. I still need to do some mailing, in time.

That is that. Have a good night. Yes, yes, I will pray for Gifford et. al. Sincerely. Any who come to my knowledge in such a fashion receive prayers. It is just... what about all those nameless who her policies and beliefs have maimed and killed who go unnamed, who receive no justice, who are unknown and often forgotten? Socialists are not high on my list, save as enemies. And, as I have mentioned, I pray for those as well. Done.

I am an offal man.

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Terribly offal. First tongue, now heart. I was really hungry tonight, almost could not wait to cook. I had purchased heart not long ago. I recently thawed it. The two, hunger and availability, finally came together to produce dinner tonight. I will probably explore other organ meats as I can. I would, as I have suggested, try fresh beef blood, so long as it was from good stock and such. It is an African thing, a specific tribe actually, the tall ones. Started, for them, with human blood. The blood of their enemies. Later it changed to milk because we Christians became downright Roman about the whole cannibalism thing. Most likely they are tall because of blood. Now, they drink it warm and fresh, sometimes (often) mixed with warm fresh milk. And, they do not kill the beast to get the blood. Interesting. For my part, I want the blood, the steak, the heart, liver, tongue, and brains (the latter I have yet to try as well, supply being... difficult due to regulations and such).

How was it, you might ask, and fairly. Well, a lot like tongue. It is more dense then liver but a good deal tastier. Liver can be, usually is, very strong tasting, iron maybe? I still sometimes really enjoy liver, not always. It has a taste somewhat unique, save for tongue I have tasted nothing else quite like it. It does not taste like beef really, more like a slightly spongy slightly meaty beef flavored mushroom? Yes, something like that. I will work on the explanation. I hope, like tongue when cooled and sliced, it makes perfect sandwich meat. I did not add garlic, but I think if I had it would have had a similar twang to it. Anyway, I am satisfied. As a diner, a cook, and a foodie. And I have another food possibility for the future.

Well, back to doing little. I did not get things done today. I did not actually expect I would. I hoped, I considered, I was tired. Too many days on the road have left me too tired. And I go again tomorrow. I will see to it the things I need to send are sent tomorrow along with the rest of the days affairs.

Good night. I hope you honestly understand that I personally and really love you. As a friend, kin, and just as a human being. No requirements. Again, good night.

Not better.

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The meds don't seem to be touching it. They put me on a bunch more today, and at first I agreed. Doc (new one) sent me down to pharmacy but they didn't have anything listed. On the way home, I realized there is no way I can take those meds. I will call pharmacy tomorrow and tell them to hold those meds. Until this one med I am on, which I seem to be tolerating, has a chance and until I know if I can even take it for long, I will not take even one more. These idiots are just that, trying to shove medicines at me, ignoring everything I am saying to them. If they want to put me in the hospital where I know I will be safe, fed, and comfy, with access to my computer, I will not do it. I might even give up access to the machine, but I won't go comatose here at home, I cannot take care of myself, my bills, or anything. Wait, I cannot go to the hospital, I have cats to tend, bills to pay, and such. *sigh* Oh, the 24 hour bp monitor they installed... failed after about 12 hours. I think trying to pump that high so often, and maybe it sometimes being out of range so having to redo it often, caused the battery to fail, mostly. It was not even showing the time when it failed, just a line of bars and continual weak attempts to pump every five minutes. Oh well, I tried. I AM hard on machines, and nerves. Heh!

Blood pressure was down just a wee bit, a few points top and bottom. I am set for a clinic which works with those with difficult to treat high blood pressure and psychology to see if more trauma work might help. I will look over what psychology has to offer. No groups, usually a bunch of momma's boys or sissy girls who piss themselves at the thought of being in control, and that is the therapist in charge. Not my game. No Freudian therapy either, talking, one way, does nothing. I will need interactive sessions. If they cannot do it, I do not need what else is available. Already tried it. We will see. Might just have to back away, slowly but surely, from "care" once again. These people are nuts, even the regular doctors, deaf too.

Oh well, at least I am getting out a bit. It has been brutal getting up and out. It is a tough time for me. Sometime tomorrow I am hoping to get to the post office and mail my lady friend those items, pictures, birthday card, and check. It will be something to do. One more day out of the house will be tough. And Thursday I am taking my friend to Ogden, so no break there. But it will not be on a schedule... Sometime in the afternoon, so I can sleep a little longer if needed. Same with tomorrow, plus tomorrow will be short and sweet. I might even just walk there.

Cats are mad at popo (me). Two days gone and they are not getting their daily recommended doses of loving. Sassy attacked me tonight, while playing my game, just to let me know she needs some of my time too. Or because she is just a butt. Hard to tell. But I gave her some loving anywhile. Butt. Sam is... just being a woman. A little distant, a little stand-offish, a shoulder turned away, yeah... I know that. Reminds me of when I could not remember to put the lid down for most of my thirty plus lady loves. Oh, more, right after she figures out the mechanical squat failure with a butt induced shower at midnight... Yeah, them were the days. Heh! Oh, by the way, I have learned. I keep in practice too. Though a week or two of quiet was nice back in the day. Just... saying.

Anyway, back to winding down (up) gaming. Good night though. I will pray for you, some of you specifically, as I know your names. Some of you not so much by name, but by being enemy or friend, good or evil in heading, in pain, in joy, in doubt, in hope. You will be in there somewhere. Good night.

Good and bad news.

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I did two things today at the hospital. First I was fitted with a 24 hour blood pressure monitor. Before they fitted me, they checked my blood pressure. That is the bad news. My blood pressure was right at 210/145. This made them nervous enough that they decided to check again. At 216/146 they quit. They considered keeping me, but since there is nothing they can do, short term, to lower it, they let me go. Then I went to ultrasound. They looked at my liver and kidneys. They at least look good. Well, I saw the screen. If they are that blue I am probably in trouble:p

Getting up and going was a bear. I was an hour late but that is as good as I could do. On the way home I picked up the pictures I was supposed to have out the door weeks ago, and a birthday card which will be late. Along with a little money, the pictures, the card, and a hope that she will forgive, I hope my Miss Persnickety will be... satisfied, mollified, or just pleased.

I am bone tired. The road seemed more brutal today than usual. Then again, because they were doing ultrasound, they did not want me to drink carbonated drinks or dairy. I just cannot quite do coffee without a little something something from a cow. Yeah, yeah, sue me. So I was running on empty. It was not as long a day as I had feared though. When I did have to wait, I just found something to read. I seem to do just fine even if there was nothing around to nose into as well.

You know, I am actually in pretty good shape for the shape I am in. And, other than driving sometimes, I am quite satisfied to just be. I enjoy the little bits of time I get to spend with people. And I do enjoy life, mostly. Pretty good for a grumpy old man, down on his luck, with poor health, and a lost mind:) It is all good. And, I know Christ, and through Him the Father. The Spirit is with me as well. Live, die, it is all good. Though to be able to do something good, just once, really good... I would like to live just a little longer and get to some function. Visiting death row inmates is that one good thing I would like to do. To be with the Christ that is in them, and the men who may not know or who may have forgotten.

Anyway, we will see. Later or good night. Another day on the road again tomorrow.

Busy week.

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I have two things today, in SLC, and two tomorrow. So, grooming, driving, and of course the appointments. I have some other appointments coming up but not until next week or even further out. As well, I suggested to my friend that we drive to Ogden Thursday or Friday, he thought Friday would be best. He has wanted to go for a while now. As well, I thought Saturday or Sunday would be a good day for a beef roast. Not sure which day, but one of them will see us feast in a minor way. Meat, potatoes, and gravy. I need to add vegetables, but only for me. He simply does not eat them, mostly.

I have to figure out bills. I know some are overdue. I took care of one of them a few days ago. Most are on automatic pay. But between problems with that staying on and those that are not yet on auto, I... struggle. I usually have the money, usually. It is merely a matter of staying connected enough to know I need to pay. I need to get those last on autopay. Though some are too variable for that, so... we will see.

I did call my mother. She was trying to nap. I honestly think, if she does love me, that she does not actually like me. It is not just a woman thing, though of course there is always that. I sense that, as a person, she simply does not like me. That actually does not hurt, just... is good to know. I might be wrong but I do not think so. I also, finally, took some pictures I promised my lady friend I would take. I have the pictures being developed as well. I will remember to pick them up tomorrow and send them, along with a (late) birthday card. Yeah, I do like her. I just do not agree with most of what she says.

Well, the bed beckons. I have been staying up much later, but today's doings, meager as they were, were enough that I need sleep. Oh, I have been tracking my medicines better, even taking the new one fairly regularly, after I finally picked it up from the post office a few days ago. I do what I can. Good night.

Yes, a rough week.

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But I have been triangulating back toward the saddle. Putting my foot in and going up as far as I can as long as I can. Piecemeal, slow, and backwards sometimes, I have done what I can as I could. I finally purchased caffeine in an easily dispensing form. Coffee production had come to a halt due to production complications. Still not awake, always behind the 8-ball, but still trying. We will see if I can make today a bit more fruitful.

I am hoping the docs have something because there is little I can do. Pushing is nice, but there has to be some kind of break, some 'new weapon in the war', some change of strategy. While I am doing a thousand percent better here than in Iowa, in that I maintain awareness, so can set goals and keep many more of them, I am still fighting exhaustion beyond what most people can know. Sleep apnea sufferers can fully understand the sense of exhaustion, but I have been tested out of that. Imagine having sleep apnea symptoms for the last two decades, full blown, untreatable, hardcore. There you go. They so want it to be psychological. It gives the doctors an out.

Well, a call today to try and realign something that got missed last Monday. When my other appointment, the main one, was canceled, I lost track of the little one. Ugh... So be it. I will do what I can, at this point, to amend that. Perhaps a bit more cleanup in the house, another shower and then a soak bath? Attention to grooming. I might even get a haircut soon, schedule one. I need to get up again. We will see.

Alright, that is all the news from the war front. Just have to keep trying.

Oh yeah? Yeah!

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Really really.

New page, next day, time rolls on, and perhaps more with me than not. I woke later than I had hoped, but within the timeframe needed, to get me to SLC in time for the first of several events there. As I am sitting there, just... sitting there but not going back to sleep, the phone makes a funny sound meaning someone is calling because that sure as hell is not a ring. One of my appointments for the day has been canceled. The other one is non-vital, a thing that can be done on any day, so I will reschedule it. I would rather not travel today if I do not have to. I am still in recovery mode. I will call them within the hour.

Not wishing to waste a lot of spent focus, I decide a shower and gum mushing episode would be providential, or something. The biggest word I could probably put together at the time I set forth on those operations, however, was probably more in the range of 'Good! It r good to wet!'. And, it was indeed good, might even have been providential. I might know what that word even means in... a while.

Still, even if I still partied like the party did not stop until yesterday, as if I was drinking like I was at age 30 or so, and is partying would earn me favor, fortune, and love, and feel like I just woke up from it, I think I know what the problem is and will be fixing it. Oh yes, I will be buying soda as soon as I can get out. Maybe today. If the snow has not hardened to rock, I will try to use the blower on it. If it has, I have new temporary concrete.

I dreamed an odd dream last night. A girl, young and foolish, decided to seduce her brother for fun, fashion, and as a lark. Of course, as many larks want, this one went wrong. She lost control and her brother could not be controlled. He would take her when he could, she could say nothing, she had opened the door. Now, her mother did not know who or what, but knew her daughter and was sure of one thing. She asked, as mothers do, ever so slight of questions. The door to the answers was slammed so tightly shut, no information was yielded no matter how passive or direct and powerful the questioning went... of course. So, she took the daughter on a trip into town. They went to a store where, she asked her daughter to look at a set of rings, promisary rings. When the daughter asked what these rings required as a promise, the mother took the daughter to a section of 'greeting cards', allowing her to pick them up and read them. Actually, not allowing but encouraging the reading.

The daughter picked up a card, and it read something along the lines of; 'Thank you for having decided to offer me life instead of the other choice you had, I am and will always be grateful for your choice and sacrifice...' and so on. Of course the daughter had thought of this potential. Of course it all was considered. But until that moment, it had no real context. The dream sort of ended there, or that is all I remember. That and a bit of horror on the part of the girl. Strange that I would have such a dream. Even given Jungian theory, if I have that right.

Oh, something else that has been on my mind... well, two things. First, the notion that one man, who spends his time lifting his mind, using it for all manner of learning and practice, might be considered great. And yet, not. Not only will he fall short, he may and probably will fall shorter than the man who simply lives. As great as our capacity for good is our capacity for evil. Even taking good and evil and simplifying it to wrong and right should suffice in this notion. The more man thinks, the more incorrect he becomes. Philosophical, logical, and linguistic function lead only to greater folly, for any man.

While I appreciate the art of these things, I would not wish to go that rout. I am, for the most part and given a choice (and when functioning) a man of function. Does it work? Can you repeat it? Is it worth spending the money to make it work and repeat? Deciphering the wisdom of ancient men and their works, while laudable in an academic (non-collegiate, non-university, academics that is), it is merely a toy for the wealthy who have the time and resources to devote to (quite often) nonsense. Aristotle? Tolstoy? Even my favored Americans (if at least one may have not preferred to have been called American) Twain and Poe? Fools, the lot. Follow, believe, understand, it is folly. Rich men, or men of leisure, with followers and someone who just happened to maintain what they wrote to some degree of accuracy or not. Men are fools.

Why, even Einstein and Freud have their devoted idiots in spite of being quite wrong. Freud has been debunked fully and clearly and yet the cult of psychology has no means of ferreting out the incorrect. They merely build a side study department for those who will not comply, a side study which is just as likely to be department chair or head up the whole of the pseudo science lead. Both provided theory which is taught to people who merely learn well, but who cannot see well enough to know what they are taught is incorrect or how, unless that too is taught, and that teaching itself is probably erroneous.

So, pick your heroes. Base it on whatever you wish. We all need heroes. But think about it. Is another mortal fool man going to be your hero? I went through that, tossing all save one. I look up and down at no man who abides my attentions. I will grant this one is a better fighter, that one can maintain a farm or ranch better than others, this one seems to touch on wisdom by choice, vocation, or avocation in excess of the others. But none are to be trusted or given undue grants of my sovereignty. I give nothing, save to one.

Just... clearing some baffles. Mr. Coffin, you may assume scheduled heading and speed at your leisure. Aye, aye, captain.

Some things come to mind...

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On days like this. I was actually starting to pick up and do well. Days were my domain, exercising was beginning, cooking was beginning, the kitchen and house were beginning to be maintained, and at worst I had an occasional hiccup. The last few days prove effort has nothing to do with it. Sleep and wake cycles have been completely tossed in the air. I have been completely unable to control when I go to bed or wake up, snapping awake at random times, unable to fall back to sleep, and my efforts have been true, solid, and pathetically ineffective. All I get for my efforts is deeper exhaustion and this wonderful mini-migraine that might be about to mature. Ah, well, what else was happening? I cannot say I am bored. Much like being at sea in a heavy storm, it has moments which are at least... breathtaking.

Still, there are things I would like to get to doing. It is much more difficult when the battering from the loss of control leaves me unable to focus, makes work many times more difficult than it should be, and complicates the simple idea of maintaining the focus to pick up my butt from here and put it over there. I have to take something for this headache today. I have been ignoring them, for the most part. They started, perhaps, a week ago. They have been intensifying. Though not quite nauseating, they are brutal.

The good news? Besides Jesus Christ? (just covering the bases) That would be that even if life is a little confusing, memory is good, clarity of notions is good, etc. I may lose focus, but I remember losing focus. And, yes, memory is that important and more. It does not matter what else you do if you remember nothing. You cannot set goals, you cannot push, you cannot change directions.

Some Tylenol down the gullet, a cup of coffee being introduced, and I will see about today. The only thing I changed was my consumption of (Splenda based) diet Coke. I do consume coffee, perhaps not as much. But then I thought coffee had more caffeine? I may, simply, have to go back, then ease away from the junk. Perhaps that is all there is to it?

Anyway, I might be all junked up, but I still think about you all. Your little mouse lives, walk through the stars, or whatever you want to term your life here is of interest to me. Must be cool, if sometimes sad, to be God. If he knows the bad in all of us, he also knows the good. The stuff no one else knows. I think if there was too little of that, if not by flood, He would again destroy man. He really would. So, be good for goodness sake? Yep. :) Later.

Yes...

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Well, actually, no. No. Nothing is working. Even Sam and Sassy are not really happy with me. With them I do not understand. I did kick them out of the bedroom, they are no longer allowed to go in there or sleep with me at night. Why? Sam keeps finding new and interesting places or objects, on or near, where she might vomit. Daily daily is too much. Sassy has been clawing my feet. I presume in order to wake me up, though she may think my foot is a big mouse whilst she is half asleep. I cannot allow that, at all. She is drawing blood.

As for me, I am drifting and harshly. I cannot get to things. I have been eating as well as I am able. I have almost been keeping up with the dishes. But for the most part, I am zombified again. I cannot stay warm no matter what I set the thermostat, what I wear, or such. Then again, being chill is not really a bother. It does seem to slow me down, not a good thing. Never worry, this too will pass.

I am a bit worried about what the doctor suggested. Something about unloading 2 mg of protein when I urinate, each time. Something about kidneys, high blood pressure, and diabetes, but nothing specific. Mostly the high blood pressure, is the problem, as I have it. I will continue with the appointments and consults until we, once again, realize I am simply going to have to simply wait to die, then die right properly. Though I am beyond looking forward to it, I cannot say I will regret it. I will die frustrated that such an advanced medical society cannot figure anything with me out, that I did not get a chance to live a normal life, or even a potentially extraordinary one. I do hope my efforts are noted by the only One who counts though. I have truly tried. In any case, let us see what we shall see. And please, Lord, allow me to wake up a bit. Just a little function.

Good night.

Bumpy day.

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It started at 2:00. I woke and could not get back to sleep. So, I tinkered in the late night, then crashed at about 9:00, sleeping until noon I think. I have been up since, made a decent meal, and I have done little else. Still, I sort of expect this after pushing for a few days, driving, the stress of seeing doctors knowing I will be going back. Ah well. I will survive this day, pick up as I can tomorrow, and move on as I may. Seeing a doctor will not fix me, even treatments probably will not. I think they are just experimenting with us at this point. Still, there is an outside chance they might fix something, they could make things better. But for today, I am what I am.

Sassy is starting to come around. She obviously misses the beard, so it will be coming back. Sam has been a neurotic twit lately. And very passive aggressive. She is not only all feline, she is all female! I think they ganged up and woke me last night. I know they had food, water, and even a bit of milk, so they were either fighting over me or just fighting. Or, as I said, getting even for something I probably do not even know I did. So, for a bit, they will sleep out of my room.

Not much else going on. I am hoping tomorrow is a bit more productive, and I think it will be. The alarm is set for 7:00, and I have a few more things to do before bed. Good night sweets and sours. Take your pick:)

Quite a bit done, quite a bit left to do.

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Of course, after coming out of a coma, the need and want is very strong. The list of lists of things to do, be, find, is almost overwhelming. The trick is to make the lists then begin one thing on each list, do it until it is done, cross it off, and move on. Dishes, cooking, cleaning, and grooming, however, are on not on any list. They are simply things that are done without thought or comment, note or worry, just done. And so it begins.

The kitchen is ever closer to being done. I know, I know, but I keep finding little groupings of dishes that I simply overlooked in my hopes that the job was done or close. Right in front of me, plain to see, but, not. Food has been good and will continue to be. I am hoping to make a batch of rice tonight and perhaps boil a half dozen eggs, then clean up. Laundry will begin in a bit. Thankfully, there is not that much. Pajamas last for days of wear.

And still I am enjoying my game and going farther and doing better. I have leveled a good dozen levels over several toons, improved professions, and explored where they will be "working". I am burning out on that a bit though. It keeps me awake though, and going. I would like to get my seventieth level to seventy fifth level, then begin on my main, who is at eighty second level to this point. Eighty fifth, of course, is the goal, arming and armoring along the way, plus working on the professions. It does help keep my mind nimble until my body can catch up, perhaps.

Sam and Sassy are enjoying a little more of papa's time and attention. Sam loves the attention. Sassy is a little put off. I shaved my beard and she... is not quite sure she still loves me. She loved my beard. I promised her I will grow it back. It had gotten scruffy and I was not in the mood or state of mind to try and pull it into trim. I do not quite have the skill. It gets out of hand quickly, or seems to do so.

I will be ready for bed tonight. I have been drinking coffee, no soda. I am rarely adding anything to it, other than milk. For whatever reason, it does not have the same kick that soda does. Or more, the kick comes, hits hard, and goes away fast, whereas soda seemed to linger. Oh well.

A few more dishes, a load in the laundry, and I think I may drift to the stupid tube or to bed. I need to stay up until 21:00 at least though, more like 22:00. It just works better. Good night, probably.

Busy, busy, busy.

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Hubba hubba. While I still mostly am doing nothing, I am now adding something into the nothing at a slow but steady pace. After waking, dressing, and setting the dishes to a fresh soak, I did my wake up routine. During that, as I said in the game when I do something that forces idle time, I did my pushups and setups. I will do more pushups later, but setups as I have said, are a once a day thing. Still, I hit my goal, simple as it was. Then I did some more of the kitchen. I was not quite as through with the dishes as I had thought, though the cleaning itself is pretty much done, other than sweeping. That I am saving until after I change the litter boxes... a messy job that. More and more dishes, some straightening, and of course my game.

Then I received a call from the V.A. One of the consults came through and I am now scheduled for that. Then another call came in, and we scheduled for that. All told, I have four upcoming appointments, a twenty four hour urine sampling and blood pressure recording to do (the latter test I have to travel there in order to be fitted for) and... some other stuff. Plus, there are a few more things coming, on top of the medicine(s) I have to start or continue (almost forgot about the potassium). Anyway... it has started.

I did not brush my teeth until mid-afternoon. It simply slipped my mind. But I did get to it, and I brushed last night. I bought Crest whitening system recently and will see if it works. I chew tobacco and drink soda... well, coffee now... so it will only help a bit even if it works. I figure if I use it quarterly, for two weeks, that should get the pearlies as good as they will get. As I am moving on, my lists are growing, things to do, chores, tasks, jobs. People to call. Places to go. So it goes. I am not really back in the saddle, but I put a strong foot into the stirrup. We will see if my butt meets the leather of the saddle before too long.

I was hoping to have the kitchen spic and span before making food but my stomach revolted. What a beast! Still, fair is fair, and I have deprived the thing of anything solid for quite some time. I purchased pork chops, on the half sale rack, yesterday. I thought I would cook them last night but it just did not happen. Best to use that meat FAST, I have found. It seems today was fast enough. Pan fried, then making pan gravy, along with a couple of potatoes and a glass of milk. NICE! I had forgotten what good home cooked food tasted like. The gravy was not my best effort, if it worked well enough. I was so hungry I... hurried? Yeah, we will say that. Noice!

Well, back to tinkering until my stomach does what it does and I can walk again. Snakes have it on us there, mostly and most of the time. Have a good one, or do not. You really do choose.

A good morning to you.

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Because I was later getting to bed, and because pushing myself out of bed too early on some of those occasions can have me clambering for more sleep and ignoring or being unable to comply with the alarm clock, I gave myself a reasonable amount of sleep with regards to the alarm clock setting. However, I 'let my mind know' that if I could get up a little earlier, that would be good, so long as my body and all could go with the early morning. Yes, negotiating with one's own body is a good plan. And yes you can do it consciously. I just woke up, did a quick survey of my reality, talked to the body, and we all decided it was a good time to begin the morning, and two hours before the alarm was set to go off. So, again, good morning.

I will not take Wonder Woman's advice on one particular thing. I will not shower every day (mom). I am one third a typical boy cum man, one third practical in that a shower every day is neither the best for me or efficient, and one third hoping she will try to use her rope on me! What I will do, is follow the spirit of the thing. I will groom, dress, and if nothing else wear a hat when I wake. Not 'in a little while', but as soon after rising as possible. I do not need to floss, I have another trick for that (and yes, it works, even dentists cannot deny). I use those plastic toothpicks. I use them more than after meals though. They are a non-eaten munchy for me. Brushing my teeth though, that is a whole other thing. I will go with that. Do not worry, my teeth are actually better than some people who brush three times a day. Must be genetic (or two gallons of whole milk a week). I am already dressed this morning. By the way, clean skivvies are Noice! More info than you needed, but that is just the kind of guy I am.

I cannot say how far this thing will roll. But with the doctors on one end, me on another, and you all on another, I might tame this wild cave ogre and turn him back into a newt. Oh, or was that turn it back into a sane man? Either way, make it get better. We will see. I have my doubts mind you. As do you. It will not happen over night but if it happens it will begin on one single day and build from there.

Well, I am about to begin my waking procedures. Where is my pre-flight check list? Ah, there we go. Coffee is going down, blogging, so-and-such... etc... Well on my way to winding up. Talk to you when we get there, later.

Up late, too late.

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And, of course, again. No problem, I am about to go to bed and earlier than the last three nights. I was afraid nights were going to become the norm, but with the medical promises, perhaps I will find a way to fend off the shift. And I did more than just see the doctor today. I have my kitchen nearly back in order. Further, I did some shopping, including fruits if not yet vegetables. Those are on the menu. A few meats, milk, and kitty food were needed as well. So it is time to begin again.

I have decided to swear off soda. I may still buy a stock of soda, but it will no longer be a daily thing, or multi-daily thing. I will use it much as soda of the more traditional nature should be used, as an occasional treat. Instead I am going to coffee, though not as much as the soda. I am constantly thirsty, probably a symptom of even the low level diabetes. Then again, I was always thirsty long before I had diabetes. I almost wonder if some of the medications they initially had me on, everything from anti-depressants to lithium changed certain things, anatomically. Such as somehow causing thirst? Who knows. If they do, they are not saying.

So, back to good home cooked, whole grain heavy, fruit added, food. I need that. Trying to figure out how to lower my liquid consumption as well, coffee, water, milk. Less in total is the goal. Continuing my setups and pushups. They are not coming along swimmingly, only coming along. I did have to stop for a bit as my gut tightened up and would not release for three days. It was not terribly painful, but it complicated sleep. Then again, that might have been the cornish game hen. I am pretty sure I cooked it done and then some though. I check the joints for blood... no blood... no foul? Heh... Well, at least I enjoy my puns. Well, not really, but it is something.

Bedtime. I will set my alarm though and work diligently to get up. A bit of waking up and then to finish the kitchen. I have some meats out, I need to make beans and rice in my usual batches, an apple and then grapefruit for breakfast I think. Maybe some eggs, as that is a bit raw of protein. I am terribly hungry, have not eaten right in... a while. But for now, bed time. I can dream of beans and rice? Yes, actually, I can. If that is not something you dream of, you have never eaten them the way I make them. Good night.

To the doctor I went.

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Today was the day to visit the Renal Clinic. I was afraid I would miss it. Nope, I put myself in order, arranged things as I could so that I could be awake and aware and on time. Further, I called to see if they wanted blood work. Sure enough, and they wished for me to do that an hour before the actual appointment. Well, all right. Done. I am driving a little slower, not out of need just to limit frustration. It mostly works. But with so many cell phones on the roads these days, and texting which I did see at least once today, on a 75 mph interstate I might add, trying to drive a steady pace is not really possible.

At the office, the doctor suggested my problem with blood pressure might be one of three things. Two were eliminated, after looking through the records. The last is a longshot. An even larger longshot is, if it is that last, then there is a chance surgery could fix that. The test that would suggest that takes longer and was not yet up. That is on the physical side. There is also a possibility that my traumas have lead to this.

She asked if I was interested in taking medication. I said no, but told her to shoot the recommendation. I had not heard of this particular medication, so I said I would try it. I also explained that most of these medicines totally wipe me out. She had answers for everything, but they always do. I told her and will tell you, I will give it another shot, let them poke, prod, and medicate, up to my ability to tolerate. Then we have to figure something else out if that does not work. Trust is earned, we will see if she can earn it. As well, I agreed to a consult to psychiatry. That, I believe, is all too much hooey. Still, I will go in and see if there is a plan I could abide and a therapist I can stomach. She suggested that some people who go through even one of the minor things I mentioned might have a problem with it that causes and maintains high blood pressure. I do know I am stuck on full throttle, even when I am not moving, down under the skin. I am always hot, always live, and always ready. Even if I do not know it consciously. That is why my stomach is still tight, and other forms of strengths remain to me. I have a consult before the end of the year and another appointment with renal shortly after the new year. Oh, and I stopped by and set my eye appointments up again, they got lost in the mail somewhere in one of my moves. I still need to get dental going, maybe next time. It is in another building and I was done today when I finished the clinic.

We will see. I do not wish, in particular, to die. At least if something can be done to help me back to function. Even a few more horsepower would be good. I doubt, seriously doubt. I cannot just give up either. So, that is the way of it. Oh, I lost a few more pounds they said. I lost a lot when I moved here and keep losing according to them. No, not trying. A little more active, eating better foods (usually), and just the climate? elevation? Whatever. I have lost a lot more than pounds though. My shoulders are too broad for a simple large and tall shirt, but my extra large and tall shirts just billow. Ah well, I like long shirttails.

Have a good day. If you want, pray a little prayer that this time works. I do not mind dying, but if I can become useful, or even more functional, that would be inefficient. Or, something like that.

To keep my mind off things...

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I got busy. Not in the real world, as that seems problematic at best. What I did do was to become very involved with my game. If you play World of Warcraft, you will know what I mean. I had three twentieth level characters I use to store "stuff" the others collect. I moved those on up to fourtieth level. I had two level forty toons (another term for character) which I moved to sixtieth level, I moved a fifty fifth level toon to seventieth level, and finally I had two seventy level toons I moved to the high seventieth levels. I added a few levels to my main (main character, highest level or favored to play, in this case both), but mostly left that toon to rest. When rested, they get more experience while playing, thus level faster. All that in the last week and a half or so. As well, I leveled their professions as much as possible.

Busy, yes. My home needs some tlc, Sam and Sassy are getting a bit snotty, and until I took a shower yesterday for the first time in... well, let us just say I was ripe for the bone harvester. Or, I smelled like it. On the up side, I did not think too much about a solo Christmas. Actually, I can become a bit melancholy whether alone or in good or other company. For the most part, this year, I survived unscathed. And, my game world is in top order. It takes quite a bit to organize ten toons, level them, get them trained, get them equipment and mounts, keep their professions up, and have it run rather seamlessly. Then again, I can only do that for short periods of time. I am about done with the game world. Although, with all the flying costs, I am down to 10k and change, give or take. I have not mastered the art of filthy game lucre.

I will still play, still level this or that toon, but I will not be playing nearly non-stop. I have to, now, find other things. Like setting up the reloading station and then putting the equipment together, on it, then using it. And, as I said, the cave could use a bit of spit and shine. A bit of the social would be good too, but with little money, that always feels odd. What if someone wants to not just sit there, but do something? Anyway... I did what had to be done. Then again, I am still a bit broke. It might take a month or two for me to catch up. So be it. I might just have to dig into the game for a while. It IS cheap entertainment, it IS far superior to television, and it seems to work.

Well, later.

Merry Christmas!

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I hope, in spite of all the ups and downs that come with Christmas (artificially imposed, I might add), that you are finding nice, good, and great moments in your own way, with family and friends, or wherever you are and whomever you happen to be with, or not.

I know that Christmas, with all the hubbub, can be an uncomfortable time. For me, when I was closer to home, being asked to go to this and that, having to be so and where at such a time, sometimes knowing few of the people in wherever I went, and of course never knowing just quite what the customs might be, often left me a bit overwhelmed. Still, as always, I found a way to enjoy myself. I do and do not miss that. Then again, I already had my Christmas company and that did work out well. Still, being alone on Christmas can be hard too. In the Navy, we were alone but together. Here and now, it is Sam, Sassy, and me. Then again, they do not mind shorts, no turkey, and waking up at 10:00 or such.

Just wanted to wish all a Merry Christmas in any case. I am curious about what people are eating, anything special? They say an army crawls on it's stomach. I find that to be true for me as well, and more. My curiosity crawls on my stomach. Or, is it the other way around? I will never figure all of these things out! So, tell me about your food. Hmm, a food therapist? Be one or need one. Now, look at the plate of spinach, what food does it make you think of? *grins*

A meal served, a bit of prep before that, and some rest after.

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I simply could not seem to get motivated to clean the kitchen, straighten my home, and get ready for the meal. Finally, the night before, I was able to start. It was slow going. There was not a lot of work, mind you, it was just... I simply could not stay focused and on track to finishing it. I started late, as is my want, and did not finish cleaning until 6:00. I was supposed to pick them up at 14:00 or 15:00! Ack, so I slept. I did not receive a call, so I was worried. Finally, at about 19:00, my friend called. I was a bit nervous, but took the call. I was expecting him to be angry at me for not having called him.

Nope. All he had to say was, "Are you ready for supper tomorrow night?". Tomorrow, I asked? Yes, today is Saturday, you had suggested we have supper on Sunday. Ah, super, then... YES! I am quite ready. The meat is thawed, he asked? Of course. I asked if his friend was to be in attendance. It seems not. His friend was off to see his ex-wife. That puzzled me, but later I learned he is trying to reconcile. I am pleased to see him trying so the loss of new company was a pleasant one. And so it was, dinner on Sunday.

The meat was a bit overdone. According to my recipe books, pork should have taken a certain amount of time. And, with the elevation, it should have taken even longer, about 10%. Either I figured something wrong or the bone made it cook faster or something else is just screwy (which it is, not all higher elevation cooking takes longer, here, oddly) the meat cooked a good thirty percent faster than what the recipe called for it to cook. Ah, maybe they are discussing pork, which was far fatter, from the olden days? Anyway, it was still quite good. The gravy was fantastic. And the potatoes were perfect. I did not add the turnips to cook as the meat was done and then some by the time I had planned to add them. Then again, my friend wanted to watch the end of Master and Commander, which made it so that I had to put the meat in the oven on low for a while. That did not help. Still, it was a good night.

I have been resting since. I am still keeping a day schedule, other than that lapse when I stayed up so late. That may bounce around and throw me off, we will see. But I am fighting for days. Well, that is that. Be well and good night.

A long day.

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Up at 7:00, give or take. It was a slow morning, or slower than usual. A little less than the usual less than qualifier could somehow be administered to the morning, if you follow my thought. And yet it all worked. Not ready today as yesterday, I did not arrive at my friend's place until nearly 14:00. A bit of food and a movie, "300". He had not seen it before. He did enjoy it, though he could not hear it well. Beside some of the British type accents, he keeps his volume down so as to not disturb the neighbors. If it was every day, I could understand, but once in a while I do not think they would mind. Still, his place, his choice.

I invited my friend to dinner Sunday. If nothing else, this is reason to get my kitchen squared away and keep my home kempt. As I was driving home, I remembered I had long ago suggested he invite his friend, a man I have not met, to dine with us. Though I warned him to advise his friend that they will be here the whole time the meal is cooking, but that there will be movies to watch. There is something about sharing food and company that pleases me. I think my friend will enjoy the time better with someone who is not busy cooking to keep him company. And I think I can make it so that he can hear the shows here.

Earlier, around noon, I called my mother. She is home from her visit to my brother. She is thinking about the future. Whether she was a good mother could be argued, but that her only two sons both invite her in says something. She has people where she is who depend on her greatly, for company, for her work, and for her time. In particular an elderly woman who is blind from diabetes, is on three times a week dialysis, and would otherwise not be attended properly. This woman also happens to have been a dear friend of my mothers long before she fell so low. As well, I know my mother's boyfriend plays on her mind. Though they will never marry, and I doubt if my mother will again in any case, it is more than just a contrivance or convenience. So until these things find their way to something other than the way they are now, she is where she will be.

I am glad to know she has a place, there, where she is needed and wanted. I am also pleased to know she has choices beyond that. I worry, as she ages, as does any child of an aging parent. She has time to consider the options, and I think she is considering splitting her time between here and what my brother is offering. It is certainly warmer there in the winter. I think, in the end, it will come down to the weather and where she feels most comfortable. She fears both, and with good reason. She cannot craft me and I will not budge, if too I do not push on most issues. When near my brother, she would have her own place. But that would be a bit lonely. It is difficult to make new friends at any age, but when mobility becomes an issue, that is compounded. Choices... We all face them. At least she has earned the right to make them, with both of her boys offering what we can and a world there where she is that still needs her.

I did start doing pushups and setups. I will leave off the details, mostly because they are embarrassing. I thought I would be able to get three sessions in a day and be able to do many each time. I was deluded. So I will start where I did and go on from there. No doubt, I still have some serious aspects of strength. A frigid, non-direct type. My grip strength, for whatever reason, is amazing. My stomach can take a punch that would kill most men. And I do angles with my lank like a tactician. Beyond that and I am done. I hope this brings change. One thing I will do, though, tomorrow and from then on, is do as many setups as I can at once. I tried to save off for later, but later was impossible. Pushups the same, though I can do those later. At least for now. When I am better off I will begin trying sets of setups later as well. *sigh*

Good night. Sleep well. Dream good dreams. And remember to send your love to someone else, even if in thought, before you rest your weary bones.

For all the griping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth...

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I actually think, to date, America is still whole and functioning, mostly. Read the news, pundits from both sides, and lamentations that America is "over" as a country... any generation we have existed. Oh, some people hope for it and always have and some people see it and it has not been true. We have gone through seriouser shit, to put it colloquially, a hundred times or more. FDR was more socialist, perhaps even directly communist, the Democrat party has been socialist since before even him I think, the powers have been garnered too heavily by one of the three federal sources of it from time to time, we have seen wars and heard rumors of war many times and even against ourselves, these are not new.

Sure, I would like to see a better balance and a more purely conservative bent to the government. Yes, I would love to see an end to politically correct choices of politicians. Of course, I would like to see an end to legal genocide. The list goes on, and will until I die even if I got my current wishlist filled. But this nation and how it works is not yet compromised. Though I will suggest that when that happens, and it will someday, we will not actually know it for some time. The people may not realize it for a hundred years, at least the meek among us. Though I suspect some will know far sooner than others. And I do see that we are on the brink. I hope we turn that corner, again, and return to the original experiment, abandoning the last half to three quarters of a century of failed even more progressive (on into regressive) policies and ways.

If we continue this original experiment, I do believe America might be more than just a fluke. Though I do not buy the going theories on evolution, I do believe there are forms of evolution. Some of those forms have nothing to do with physical characteristics but move on into the social, economic, and governmental. Until a basis of tenable sharing of power exists between the people as individuals and as a whole in parts and overall, occurs in a sustainable fashion, man cannot go forward. This nation, even in the current wounded state, is the best reasonable short term potential for that. All other governmental platforms for advancement are centuries, perhaps millenia away. Men may not have millenia, the earth could simply cease to exist at any moment from one of a thousand events, manmade or God devised. And, of course, this is a secular notion. If, and I do admit that, both God and men play a role in what will be, if too only God knows and what God has set in motion will trump the rest.

Just... some thoughts. The End is near! The End is... far? Could be. As Christ said, keep your socks packed and be ready. Just, do not worry about it. Individually or in sum total, it will happen eventually. Good (dooms) day!*

*Not my birthday

Goody Goody

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Awake earlier this morning. It is not too tight if sleep was short, at least at this time. I actually think I might make it back to a 6:00 wakeup. I feel something might have changed. Then again, the double amputee often feels he really could walk because he senses things below the cutoff points. It's more difficult, some days, to know for sure because I still have my legs, I simply lose the connection with the resources in my mind that allow most folks to simply function. Though I do not land flat on my face when trying, I often end up flat on my back. But... not today.

Sassy, for whatever reason, is sometimes a major pain in the mornings, among other places:) She wants me to be up and moving. It might be food, but not always. She had food left in her bowl from last night and did not even drink the bit of milk I put out for her. No, she just thought the big lug would be fun to terrorize. I still sometimes think I am just a giant mouse to them. I am at least an amusement for these high ladies of feline fashion, crime, and intrigue. With Sam, I just have to say "No!" sometimes, Sassy is easy (unless I am asleep). A wadded piece of paper, held aloft just long enough to get her attention then thrown, and her attention span is finished. She does not have BAMM (blond at any moment) Syndrome, she has more like BODS (blond on demand syndrome). Well, maybe she has a bit of both. I do not care what you think about blond jokes, have you met one? Seriously? Chipper indeed. I hear it might actually have to do with the flood of melatonin caused by the percentage increase of light brought to the eyes by the hair reflecting it to them rather than absorbing the light. Just in case you thought it was just a fiction... it has been studied, for what that is worth.

It is time to begin waking, and tinkering, touring the intertubz, news nodes, and such. I will be heading to town, again, around noon or 13:00 or whenever. What movie to take though? I do not want to rent. I will be thinking on it. Good day.

Up late, again, again? Yep.

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I was up and at it fairly reasonably this morning, and I did wake up, and I was ready before I had thought I would be. I called my friend at 12:30, ready to go. No answer. I did not want to go in and not be able to find him, so I kept tinkering. At 13:30 I called again. No answer, so I waited. At 15:00 I called again, and... no answer. So, I drove into town and knocked on his door. No answer. I suspected, that with as many appointments as he had today, one of the doctors saw a problem and put the fixing on him. Sure enough that is precisely what happened. He needed two more units of blood (along with two units of saline). Further, he has to go back in Friday for two more units (of each).

When he called, we talked a bit. I offered to come back in but he was pretty worn out. That process is mind dulling, I was in with him when they put in four units (of each). Plus, I think it wears him out beyond just the drag of the thing. New blood, and volume, does things. I suggested I visit tomorrow afternoon, a thing he thought would be swell. I will take a movie in. As well, I suggested I pick him up for Sunday dinner, pork roast, but cooked the old fashioned way. He thought that sounded great, if he does not like the idea of being here the whole time it takes to cook. Still, Sunday dinner is on.

How am I able to plan things with him and not make other appointments? The main thing is, he does not mind too terribly if I am one to three hours late. At the outer edges, he can become a bit testy. And, if I call and cancel, at least if it is timely (within that time frame), he is okay with it. That last makes him not so much testy as disappointed. It is easier to deal with people's anger than their disappointment, but sometimes I have no option.

I need to get to bed. So good night, sleep well. May the sands of time not dull the joys you knew in your youth. Remember them tonight. Want to meet at the old pond only kids could love in our dreams? Bring your dog, I will bring mine, and the other kids from my block. Someone's mom will make a picnic for after the swim! See ya there.

Up late, again.

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Bah, I need to get to bed earlier. I get caught up in the "just one... more... thing..."'ism. It makes getting up early tough, impossible to be up at 6:00 though I might make it by 8:00. Still, though I did little today, I have made plans to visit my friend tomorrow, so I have a reason to be up, showered, and about. Actually, beyond just getting out, for me to feel right and ready, I need to do some waking up. That requires some nettime, and that gives me incentive to get up and get what I can get done in the game before I need to head out. Like a little train, the engine moves, then the next car, and so on. Finally, I get my caboose in gear. Well, mostly. My friend is used to me being anywhere from one to three hours 'later than advertised'.

It seems he had eye surgery today, cataracts, the first of two planned surgeries as they do not do both eyes at once. Some sort of failsafe type deal, so people are sure to have two bad eyes at once, if not of the same varietal? Meh, I just like picking on doctors and this is just another opportunity. Anyway, since he is already running about tomorrow, with two early appointments and another run to another doctor for prescription fills, I suggested I just bring a McDonalds lunch and we call it even. And I suspect we will be having another roast soon, though this one will be done the old fashioned slow cooked way. I also asked if he would ask his sister if her son was successful hunting this year. If he got an elk, perhaps they have extra. She had once offered and I never took her up on the deal. Then again, I have been moving and settling so doing anything extra is just that. I will have to consider some kind of gift in return, of course. I may be a beggar and a lech, but... not really.

Anywhile, it is bedtime. Sleep is always sweet when I push it just a bit. It is the waking up that is a pain. Oh, the candle has being burned, rightly I believe, and I have been praying both when light and when putting out the twelve days of Christmas candle. I am not able to do much more, I am a bit confused. I hope it is pleasing to Whom it may matter. Simple thanks given in prayer form. Again, good night.

Plans.

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One of them I will share. While I am out of the running, in many ways, for much of life, I would like to improve some areas. Just staying awake during the day, on a regular schedule, paying bills, and keeping fed, clean, and ahead of dishes and other such is about it, I would like to begin a new little thing that might end up being what I need for when I need it.

While playing my computer game, two to three times a day I need to have a sub-program run which reads the auction house happenings, which leaves me waiting for eight to fifteen minutes. Now, rather than waste that time, or slow it down and try to do other things either online or in game and kill the fun of whatever else I might be trying to do, I have decided that would be a good time to begin doing setups and pushups. I will not get many done in that time, though as I improve, I can both do them faster and extend the time a bit. These are exercises which simply cannot really be overdone. Just something to add to the otherwise nothing of my current exercise regimen. It might see me in better shape when the time for getting out arrives again.

Oh, such little things. But it is what I have to work with. I will let you know, in time, how it works out. I just thought that if I shared one little possibility scratched from my ether world of seeming nothingness in the hopes of becoming more, even while I am not always sure I really exist or am alive... it might lead to others seeing where they might scratch out a little nothing time to try something. Little hopes which go forward and succeed, I think, are often greater than the greatest and failed aspirations. Right now, of course, all this is is a hope, and a little one at that. But it is better than my plans to dig a well, create a cistern, add solar energy as a primary source of energy, and get married and have children. Great all, but unlikely. This one might make it, sooner rather than a dubious later.

Good day.

Today is the day!

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Well, not a good thing if you remember a certain joke of which the title is a punchline, though for a different reason than in the joke. Never... mind... It was not that bad of a joke, it is not out of sorts, and all, but... I will leave it to my and maybe your memory in any case. Same with the juxtaposed conditional humor interplayed between the joke and the fact of the matter about today. I will just say that today is the day my game updates, so is unplayable until well into the afternoon. Bah! Laugh, damn you!

The weather here has been fine, fantastic actually, after a set of storms and a dark beginning of winter which seemed to portent weather mayhem. Most of the snow, down here in the valleys, is gone. The mountains, though, I assure you, are still snowed in and handsomely in the mountain snow way. I have not been watching the weather as, to me, it means nothing. I was amazed to have a week of fantastic weather while my lady friend visited, and I continue to be amazed. Then again, as I remember things, winters here are rather nice compared to Iowa. The sun does shine here, and often. Only the elevation keeps the snow around I think? Or is it the elevation that keeps it mild? Or is it that I am in a valley and surrounded by mountains, or the lack of moisture? Who knows, but I am keen on the winters hereabouts. I think these people, many who think winters here to be foul, would be horrified by Iowa winters. Let it be, I know, and that is good enough.

Sassy is coming along in her maturing. She has not torn through my skin, save by accident or incident relating to Sam, in quite some time. I no longer appear to have been mauled by a mini-lioness. I still bear the scar from the last attempt at bathing her though. Ah well, I will just add it to the numerous scars and battlemarks I will bear to death. At least I thought this one was funny, mostly.

Well, I have become a bit senile in some ways, to the way most tend to think, and being detached from flesh can make even being on fire something to chuckle at, should I be in a certain state of mind. Bah! I really ponder whether I could truly be called a death knight... of sorts. Or an actuated guru, minor (mortal) deity (by being impervious to environment or pain, not in a spiritual context), or like the accidental transcendentalist I have suggested before. If I could just get up, the world would be mine to do with as I please. If that is true, I am glad I cannot get up. Like the one ring and Gandolf, I... dare not. Not even should I set out to do good.

Sam is out, in this better weather, finding mice for the family. Of course, at this point and partly due to the scarcity of mice and the rarity of suitable times to hunt, all she shares is the regurgitated fur of the little beasts. ON MY JUST CLEANED RUG, TOO, I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW! Still, that I know she is having some fun is almost enough. I no longer chastise her for doing what she must, I now know better. Still, I do shut off the bedroom. I do like some places kept clean, safe, and vomit free.

I ought to go do something or other. I still, however, am not up to much. I did well with my lady friend. Between her ideas and mine, her ways and wants and my facilities, I was able to manage a week of care and attention, and without much effort as I have suggested. I did sleep in a few hours each day, but then I was up later doing some of the things I do after she had already gone to sleep. Blogging and minor game tasks which are to be done daily or up to thrice daily are solo tasks and I do not like impinging on the time I have with real people for these things. Mornings are a good time to let people... visitors... have their own personal time as well. Of course I am making this up as I go. But it seems to fit.

Later.

Something to keep in mind.

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While reading blogs.

Most of those who have the tech savvy, a computer, the ability to write, and the willingness to do so, on the internet (or anywhere officially published as well these days) is a liberal or an anarchist of some sort. No, go ahead, read. Just understand most writers want the world turned on the axis and want the sun to shine in blue... or something. Most want America to fail, many want the rich to die, Christians are often the target, and multi-culture is the "norm" for most of these people. Sure, there is a subsection of writers like myself, who believe in individualism (anti-collectivist), believe in this nation, and believe in God who, to some degree, actually both created and has upheld the nation and whose offering of free will makes the first a fact (if men have tried to, painfully, murderously, suspend all three).

Just understand that you are dealing with people who either through a lack of common sense or an outright admitted wish for the failure of liberties and or this nation (same same on this account to those types), write in just such a manner. While it is true, this nation and her people deserve punishment for sacrificing children on whatever alter you wish to name abortion as the "reason" for or what that "right" is based upon. While it is true, America is not heaven on earth. While imperfect people, bureaucrats, and politicians run the show, the truth is this was once and may survive to be again an exceptional nation.

Why is it exceptional, or have the potential to be exceptional again? Because, even now for the most part, setting aside the mass genocide against babies (a big thing to set aside as how can any right be guaranteed without the guarantee of life itself?), this nation is one of the only nations were men may actually rise or fall on their merits. No, that is not perfect. Yes, it is becoming less so, with regulations choking out pure hard work and true invention. But it is one of the best and has been for centuries. Pick your little commie European ditchweedalley which you might call utopia. How long has it been that good and how long will that last? There have been little commie-lands which pop up, call it good, and burn. European nations will soon be muslim. Nice call, Guido(s).

Anyway, just understand that cyberpunks write as they do as much for grandiose "stylin'" as to be in alignment with the rest of their anarchist idealism. Understand and do not be surprised. Then again, they have an administration that is "down with all dat". So, it goes to figure, you will see more of it, from both the left and the so-called right. There are some conservatives left. You will know them by their fruit.

Have a fine patriotic day. You may not be my comrades, but you are my fellow citizens and free men.

Oh, yeah? Right... Okay.

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Still getting up fairly well and early. Sleeping good, regularly, if dreaming a LOT. I do not always remember more than that I did dream in volume, but there is that. Nothing harsh lately, my jaw is back to feeling good. That is a hint, it was sore a week or three back. Not much else going on.

My lady friend keeps calling. I think she was surprised and impressed with what I have managed to do here. Making and keeping her like family, and cleanly, also trips her up a bit. She is used to everything costing something and nothing offered just because. She keeps looking for the cost. She may, in time, come to believe. That, actually, is all I am hoping to see. It profits me nothing but it may offer her something very special and quite good for her. Either that or I will throw her in a lake! Bah! :0 :) She was actually a very good guest. Some of my new life, and who I always have been, did not get her going, even when she was exposed full throttle. No, nothing weird, at least to those of us who believe in the Constitution and Bill of Rights. Anathema to an Iowa Citian.

It is past time for bed. Good night!

Nice.

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I do need to get to bed earlier if I am going to try and keep a day schedule. I was able to wake up at 7:00, the time the alarm was set to go off anyway. But it is becoming tough to stay awake during the day. I know, as do you, that I will fall at some point. Nothing I do will change that. I can hope, I can try, I can pray, but I know I will fall off this schedule, any schedule, and sleep long hours, days, weeks, perhaps even months again. I will try, every day I have breath though, to maintain a day schedule. How odd that such a simple thing is so very difficult.

I am not doing much, just hanging onto my schedule. I have a few projects I need and want to attend, things that cost no money. Staying awake IS my chore, for the moment, however. I would like to get my reloading stand put together, assemble my reloader, organize the station, and begin churning out my own "roll your own" bullets. If nothing else it is something mechanical to do, something new, a project that requires a little bit of everything I like to do rolled into one large project but is really a number of puzzles and mechanical mind games. All new, all the way. I would also like to go through the last of my boxes, sort what to keep, discard a good deal of stuff, and organize the place a bit more. Well, we will see.

Grumpy, I say. That is what I am today. No, not grumblingly grumpy, just not cheerful. Well, when I say cheerful, I mean like being able to be chipper and jovial while going over a cliff waterfall. Telling jokes on the way down, maybe doing some flips and twirls while airborne as a last hurray for life. I am not ever really cheery about the world or the truth of our reality here, only I see no reason, generally, not to find what joy, mirth, and pleasantry which is here and in abundance. Today I just cannot wake enough to find my little mental nirvana. Maybe it will come in a bit, or tomorrow. The good thing is that I know it will return before long. It has replaced my once felt need for suicide, something I have not felt a need for since... 1993 I believe. My last great attempt at embracing death with a 12 gauge kiss. *click* So be it and good riddance to such a notion. Ha!

On to doing more staying awake. Hmmm, lunch almost sounds good enough to do something about. Not yet but I am getting there. Be well and have a blessed day. In the storm of life and the world, may that one streak of sunshine come into your day, your life, your heart. Do not reject it, God only offers. We must accept.