.
.
I don't think the new medicine will work out. I am feeling the lungs fill. I'm not choking for breath but I am coughing more, again. And... I can tell. I've even been taking in less water. The problem is, at the level of diuretic I was on, my kidney function was showing up as a problem. I guess we will have to tinker with things. Still, I will take this regimen a few more days to give it a chance.
I did the dropper of oil last night, in my ears, to begin moistening them for my attempt at home ear wax removal. The suggested time was a week of drops and then trying the bulb syringe and water to extricate the plug. Being dry here, I have considered a few extra days of oil treatment. But that it is oil and not water, perhaps not. I simply am not sure so I am thinking a week will be fine.
Sleep has been unattainable. I am not sure if the change in medicine, the change in weather, or something else is to blame. I will simply go a little slower until I can sleep. It is frustrating because the kitchen is almost done. Another good day and I will have the dishes licked. As well, another decent day and I will have the mowing completed. Plus, I would like to haul the construction materials to the coop for the roofing project before too long. I had hoped to have that completed this week but it just didn't work out.
I have seen, now, a more complete notion of what type of situation I am in. With advanced heart failure, or congestive heart failure as both names apply, in my condition (and very roughly as each individual and each trajectory of the illness is unique more than some other things) I have a 30% to 40% per year risk of death. If the medicines, at maximum, do not increase me to at least above 25% refraction ejection, then heart transplant (which I won't allow, nor bypass or open heart surgery), or some device installed (which I also won't allow), would give a very likely scenario of being put in palliative care. Even that I wouldn't allow until I am in as bad of shape as I was just in which would only occur if medicine stops helping. So, all of my apples are on the medicine cart. Well, that and my new found ability to do more, and my interest in working out, walking, biking, and whatever else I can get into. So it is pretty serious. I have faced worse odds, but like everything else, each new trial is it's own. I simply hope it all works. Then again, death is actually easier. Why I fight it, or they seem to want to sort of fight for my life, sometimes I can't be sure. But, that is my task. I guess they see it as their job.
One thing I am adding to my day pack is a set of eye covers, a "camp" pillow, and a flashlight. If I become exhausted on a hike, with those in the kit, I can always sack out for a while off the path. Just in case I push it a bit far and need a rest. It gives me a fighting chance to either get back or make do until the next day, along with some snacks and water and the rest. Same goes for biking. I'll bet I have a smaller blanket to. Well, just until I know how that all will go.
I have been avoiding blogging. I am writing about my condition, and some of the things I am doing or trying to do. But I am avoiding snark, cynicism, negativism, and some other things, mostly. I am avoiding excessive commenting. I am avoiding most other things. I don't want to become a simpering wuss feel-good guy, I don't wish to become a yes-man, but I don't want to continue with the ham-fisted, whatever I have been, either. I am not sure what else there is, so I'll read and try to just stop at that. Oh, I'll figure it out. But for now I will be keeping it simple and dry. Some of you have given exceptions, so I know that. Don't worry. I'm talking more about on the big mojo blogs, like at Vox's and Ace's and a few others.
Good night.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
A more restful day.
.
.
Yes, I took it a bit easier today. I had to push pretty hard to stay up, and then worked hard Sunday evening. Yesterday I was still feeling the push. I was able to redirect it to less strenuous activities. Today I tried to do less and do things in more of a controlled manner. If nothing else, if I am not careful and show constraint, besides risking health, this whole event may just be called mania. While in some ways it is, who isn't a bit naturally manic after having been stripped of mobility, breath, and even clear thought, and finally gets those things back? Only a fool wouldn't be greatly relieved, excited, elated at the returned senses of freedom. But this is not mania, of the psychiatric notion. Perhaps that exists for some, perhaps all of psychiatry is a false notion no more true than tea-leaf reading or astrology.
The bike was not in, I had misread. I did pick up what was in. I called my friend, who I had wanted to check in any case. He is in pretty rough shape. The doctors think they may have to amputate more, not just more of his foot, but up above his ankle. While there is no serious infection, it is merely a matter of time. His foot has open sores but is getting no real blood flow by which to heal. Only his diligent tending has probably saved him. At this point, if he thinks that will work, I think he would be glad to see it gone. He is suffering terribly. They gave him two units of blood, with iron, again today. He has been in greater and greater pain for over a year now, dealing with his foot.
I suspected he would be both tired and hungry so I brought food. He paid for his, of course. He doesn't like just receiving stuff. I also let him know if he needs me to pick stuff up or grocery shop for him, that I will gladly do that. He doesn't like people doing things for him, but right now his choices are slim. He knows he needs to eat more, and he has things for caring for his foot that are a long way away while his mobility is weak and painful and it is getting so very hot. I know the bit of not liking help myself. Well, he has my number and I will be stopping in a bit more often. He doesn't really think that when I was down and he called and got me out that he was helping. It was and it did. This isn't payback, but if it helps his mind to think it is, that works too.
I keep running into problems when telling people about my heart. By all accounts, I really am on death's door. I really haven't seen a good prognosis, but then I don't fit with the rest of what is supposed to be happening. I look and sound like a very healthy, robust if sporting a minor paunch, middle aged man. I have a mild to booming voice (when I get excited, hear a good funny, or get a bit peeved). My hand shake, it is easy to see, could mash a lesser man's hand and handle all but a rude strongman's grip. But I am failing, hard, fast, and I am deep into it. Friends and family ask a bunch of questions. Even doctors... wonder, ask, doubt. Could the tests be wrong? I'm not sure what to tell them. I am not sure what to think. I just don't know. Their fear sort of rubs off. I can't promise a thing, I don't know. It is so odd to be so bad and finally feel so good (if by good I just mean not ill, breathing easily, able to act on thoughts and natural impulses, not confused, not perpetually tired).
Ah, the bad feelings. Right. I think the word that sums it up is... cavalier. I have, and to some extent remain, way too cavalier about way too many things. Well, that was the bigger part of it. A new ability at insight, empathy, sympathy, and some other things causes me to question what I have done, said, and written. It's a big hit to my ego. Yes, listen and read a lot more, speak and write much less. But honestly, I am not sure I can truly overcome that flaw. I will find out.
Good night.
.
Yes, I took it a bit easier today. I had to push pretty hard to stay up, and then worked hard Sunday evening. Yesterday I was still feeling the push. I was able to redirect it to less strenuous activities. Today I tried to do less and do things in more of a controlled manner. If nothing else, if I am not careful and show constraint, besides risking health, this whole event may just be called mania. While in some ways it is, who isn't a bit naturally manic after having been stripped of mobility, breath, and even clear thought, and finally gets those things back? Only a fool wouldn't be greatly relieved, excited, elated at the returned senses of freedom. But this is not mania, of the psychiatric notion. Perhaps that exists for some, perhaps all of psychiatry is a false notion no more true than tea-leaf reading or astrology.
The bike was not in, I had misread. I did pick up what was in. I called my friend, who I had wanted to check in any case. He is in pretty rough shape. The doctors think they may have to amputate more, not just more of his foot, but up above his ankle. While there is no serious infection, it is merely a matter of time. His foot has open sores but is getting no real blood flow by which to heal. Only his diligent tending has probably saved him. At this point, if he thinks that will work, I think he would be glad to see it gone. He is suffering terribly. They gave him two units of blood, with iron, again today. He has been in greater and greater pain for over a year now, dealing with his foot.
I suspected he would be both tired and hungry so I brought food. He paid for his, of course. He doesn't like just receiving stuff. I also let him know if he needs me to pick stuff up or grocery shop for him, that I will gladly do that. He doesn't like people doing things for him, but right now his choices are slim. He knows he needs to eat more, and he has things for caring for his foot that are a long way away while his mobility is weak and painful and it is getting so very hot. I know the bit of not liking help myself. Well, he has my number and I will be stopping in a bit more often. He doesn't really think that when I was down and he called and got me out that he was helping. It was and it did. This isn't payback, but if it helps his mind to think it is, that works too.
I keep running into problems when telling people about my heart. By all accounts, I really am on death's door. I really haven't seen a good prognosis, but then I don't fit with the rest of what is supposed to be happening. I look and sound like a very healthy, robust if sporting a minor paunch, middle aged man. I have a mild to booming voice (when I get excited, hear a good funny, or get a bit peeved). My hand shake, it is easy to see, could mash a lesser man's hand and handle all but a rude strongman's grip. But I am failing, hard, fast, and I am deep into it. Friends and family ask a bunch of questions. Even doctors... wonder, ask, doubt. Could the tests be wrong? I'm not sure what to tell them. I am not sure what to think. I just don't know. Their fear sort of rubs off. I can't promise a thing, I don't know. It is so odd to be so bad and finally feel so good (if by good I just mean not ill, breathing easily, able to act on thoughts and natural impulses, not confused, not perpetually tired).
Ah, the bad feelings. Right. I think the word that sums it up is... cavalier. I have, and to some extent remain, way too cavalier about way too many things. Well, that was the bigger part of it. A new ability at insight, empathy, sympathy, and some other things causes me to question what I have done, said, and written. It's a big hit to my ego. Yes, listen and read a lot more, speak and write much less. But honestly, I am not sure I can truly overcome that flaw. I will find out.
Good night.
Things are changing.
.
.
I am not sure what all is happening with the body, but even my mind is changing. I don't understand it, either, not fully. I don't know if this is a phase or an end result or even just the beginning. At first it was a bit unnerving. It is not quite like I am growing another appendage or spewing a foreign language or a lot smarter or more stupid, it is more like a lateral shift in mood, sentiments, and reasoning. I think it is for the better. Ah, what is happening?
For one thing I no longer feel perpetually stressed. I have always felt harried, as if I were late for something, expecting trouble (as in fight, war, etc.), pressed for time. I simply always felt tight. That is relaxing. My body can now use that stored energy to do little and big things, perhaps more as it becomes used to being a functional part of my life. I was tired yesterday after working so long and hard the day before and then the early long trip after not sleeping. But after a little rest I still could not just sit... with things everywhere around me to do. So I began straightening my room and my bathroom, going through paperwork, and piles of things. Nothing fancy, not hard work, but doing real things. Sorting paperwork and items used to be painful, confusing, and didn't get far. I suspect between hard work and sorting I will have a kempt home in much less than six months. Yes, different.
And more, I am able to remember things somewhere between a little and a lot better. I still remember my neighbor's first names, the ones I met recently. Now when I go through for a car wash when I fill up on gas, and I get the number to put into the device which accepts it which is printed on the gas receipt, I can look at the seven numbers once, right after filling, and drive over, do any wet brushing of windows and bumpers, and still remember those seven numbers without looking again. Oh, I suppose it seems trivial, but to me it is huge. I used to not have the focus, memory, or... something. And... I have some hints that this is just a minor part of what might be opening up. You have no idea how difficult engineering school was because of this. I don't think I did either, or how easy it really might be, comparatively. Engineering school, however, will never be easy.
At least these changes aren't so scary anymore. They aren't frightening at all. I gain confidence that I can utilize my abilities more and more as I see myself naturally doing what I suggested I might, in the better ways. While the blog has been hijacked by me and the medical condition lately, it will be back at some point to other things. For now, and still, the sun, moon, and universe I know boils down to me. I am at the beginning of growing up though. The hope is to become a viewing port on the rest of the world rather than a local troubled phenomenon alone of itself. Baby steps, biking, hiking, and meeting people will see me to a new place, I hope.
Oh, right. There is something else I meant to write. With the good comes a little rain. With an increase, I think, in reasoning and some... other things. I realize I have... not been as good as I could have been. My responses to things have been harsher than needed, smarmy, critical. I haven't for a lot of recent life, been able to see, in a more right or religious or something way. I sometimes could and probably still can only see things one way. And, I am both humbled and embarrassed by things I have said and written. I don't know, but perhaps in time this will improve. I remember... much. I understand, to a degree, why. Much like a wounded animal which bites even helping hands, I see that too. But it doesn't modify the shame much, most people do not know how wounded I am, or was(?). Even the doctors don't see me as sick, and they KNOW I am dying. My writing doesn't show it, if it tells it sometimes. But, this pain I feel from my life... is good too. Is there ever growth without pain?
Have a great day.
.
I am not sure what all is happening with the body, but even my mind is changing. I don't understand it, either, not fully. I don't know if this is a phase or an end result or even just the beginning. At first it was a bit unnerving. It is not quite like I am growing another appendage or spewing a foreign language or a lot smarter or more stupid, it is more like a lateral shift in mood, sentiments, and reasoning. I think it is for the better. Ah, what is happening?
For one thing I no longer feel perpetually stressed. I have always felt harried, as if I were late for something, expecting trouble (as in fight, war, etc.), pressed for time. I simply always felt tight. That is relaxing. My body can now use that stored energy to do little and big things, perhaps more as it becomes used to being a functional part of my life. I was tired yesterday after working so long and hard the day before and then the early long trip after not sleeping. But after a little rest I still could not just sit... with things everywhere around me to do. So I began straightening my room and my bathroom, going through paperwork, and piles of things. Nothing fancy, not hard work, but doing real things. Sorting paperwork and items used to be painful, confusing, and didn't get far. I suspect between hard work and sorting I will have a kempt home in much less than six months. Yes, different.
And more, I am able to remember things somewhere between a little and a lot better. I still remember my neighbor's first names, the ones I met recently. Now when I go through for a car wash when I fill up on gas, and I get the number to put into the device which accepts it which is printed on the gas receipt, I can look at the seven numbers once, right after filling, and drive over, do any wet brushing of windows and bumpers, and still remember those seven numbers without looking again. Oh, I suppose it seems trivial, but to me it is huge. I used to not have the focus, memory, or... something. And... I have some hints that this is just a minor part of what might be opening up. You have no idea how difficult engineering school was because of this. I don't think I did either, or how easy it really might be, comparatively. Engineering school, however, will never be easy.
At least these changes aren't so scary anymore. They aren't frightening at all. I gain confidence that I can utilize my abilities more and more as I see myself naturally doing what I suggested I might, in the better ways. While the blog has been hijacked by me and the medical condition lately, it will be back at some point to other things. For now, and still, the sun, moon, and universe I know boils down to me. I am at the beginning of growing up though. The hope is to become a viewing port on the rest of the world rather than a local troubled phenomenon alone of itself. Baby steps, biking, hiking, and meeting people will see me to a new place, I hope.
Oh, right. There is something else I meant to write. With the good comes a little rain. With an increase, I think, in reasoning and some... other things. I realize I have... not been as good as I could have been. My responses to things have been harsher than needed, smarmy, critical. I haven't for a lot of recent life, been able to see, in a more right or religious or something way. I sometimes could and probably still can only see things one way. And, I am both humbled and embarrassed by things I have said and written. I don't know, but perhaps in time this will improve. I remember... much. I understand, to a degree, why. Much like a wounded animal which bites even helping hands, I see that too. But it doesn't modify the shame much, most people do not know how wounded I am, or was(?). Even the doctors don't see me as sick, and they KNOW I am dying. My writing doesn't show it, if it tells it sometimes. But, this pain I feel from my life... is good too. Is there ever growth without pain?
Have a great day.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Should I have said that?
.
.
Oh, I was flying high today. Not in a mania, as I am often accused, as I have suggested I was going high and fast because I was needing to push to do both what I need and be where they wanted. I've got a deep accelerator sometimes, I was able to access it today. In any case, I had suggested I would like to get married, should I make it through this. There was some back and forth, and somehow it was wondered if I had already found the woman. Nope I suggested, but if I start doing better and am more sure of long term health and living, I will begin looking. Then a quip about finding a good Catholic woman who can pole dance. You would have thought I said I would be selling my woman on the streets or something. I don't think they thought it was funny. And I enjoyed it the more. Oh well.
A good nap, refreshed, for now. The couch was simply not going to offer comfort so into the hot room I went. Laying down it was lights out for... a long while. I am hoping to get to bed earlier tonight. I have rearranged my medicines after the changes, saving the old stuff just in case I need to go back on it. After a few changes, I will back off of needing to have my hand held, a bit. If they earn my trust and I don't just fall off the earth to them, or into a medicinal or symptomatic rut I can't escape, I will be able to just be given a tap on the left, right, high, or low of my "helmet", like a machine gunner by his spotter. This might work.
They have to know I'm a 'doctor killer' of great fame and power... in my own mind. And, my reputation does seem to have proceeded me. The younger guy seemed okay with me, at first, or maybe he was just not showing it. But later on, things changed. The senior doctor wore a thin layer of civility and masked any intent. But he has as much use for me as he does three-day sun-ripened anchovies. I am considered a mess and possibly insane, but not the scary type. If I were a woman, they would call me an hysteric. (They change the name of that diagnosis from time to time to try and baffle the recipients but if you understand the word, you know what the diagnosis means, literally.)
Why does this work, and now, and it hasn't in the past? I don't know. Humidity, altitude, security in my home, vitamins, I simply don't know. And, further, I don't care. I am trying no harder now, actually I am not trying at all. I actually think they still want to give me lisinopril. My doctor suggested I "should" be able to tolerate it, as it is a close medicine to losartan. And, to a degree, they are similar, but their mechanism is very different. And... no. I won't take a proven failure. Is it cheaper or are they trying to get everyone to take the same pills just for a fun experiment?
The younger doctor suggested, that perhaps since this has been a long time illness, and that the recent medication seems to be helping, that perhaps my illness has been there a long time. Now, he may simply have read my blog, saw that story, and wanted to feel out my notion to see if there is anything to it. Uhrm, I don't think he actually believed a word of it though. I just got the feeling I was being handed "intellectual rope" by which to be allowed to hang myself, or he was looking for... something, in truth. In either case, he lost that train of thought and didn't seem to even want to be in the same room with me after having initially seemed reluctantly cordial. But... I don't care. I don't need cordial, I need on-the-same-page, if I have to choose.
Oh, fine. The blog marathon should be winding down. My bicycle and most of the bells and whistles have arrived. The boots and such are here too, but the post office does not deliver and UPS seems to go through the USPS where I live, and USPS doesn't deliver. I could, technically, pick up my bike tonight. Not likely. I doubt if I will finish the dishes, sweep, take care of boxes, or... I might, I do mean might, go from the chair in front of the computer to a place in front of the stupidifying tube (television). I might crawl in and find food. My feet HURT, my back hurts, my upper body skeleton hurts. All will feel better soon enough, but for now I just want an easy rest of the day. Actually, I'm... getting better. As I wake the pains seem lighter. But I do need a day off. I pushed very hard.
Tomorrow then. Have a wonderful afternoon, evening, and life.
.
Oh, I was flying high today. Not in a mania, as I am often accused, as I have suggested I was going high and fast because I was needing to push to do both what I need and be where they wanted. I've got a deep accelerator sometimes, I was able to access it today. In any case, I had suggested I would like to get married, should I make it through this. There was some back and forth, and somehow it was wondered if I had already found the woman. Nope I suggested, but if I start doing better and am more sure of long term health and living, I will begin looking. Then a quip about finding a good Catholic woman who can pole dance. You would have thought I said I would be selling my woman on the streets or something. I don't think they thought it was funny. And I enjoyed it the more. Oh well.
A good nap, refreshed, for now. The couch was simply not going to offer comfort so into the hot room I went. Laying down it was lights out for... a long while. I am hoping to get to bed earlier tonight. I have rearranged my medicines after the changes, saving the old stuff just in case I need to go back on it. After a few changes, I will back off of needing to have my hand held, a bit. If they earn my trust and I don't just fall off the earth to them, or into a medicinal or symptomatic rut I can't escape, I will be able to just be given a tap on the left, right, high, or low of my "helmet", like a machine gunner by his spotter. This might work.
They have to know I'm a 'doctor killer' of great fame and power... in my own mind. And, my reputation does seem to have proceeded me. The younger guy seemed okay with me, at first, or maybe he was just not showing it. But later on, things changed. The senior doctor wore a thin layer of civility and masked any intent. But he has as much use for me as he does three-day sun-ripened anchovies. I am considered a mess and possibly insane, but not the scary type. If I were a woman, they would call me an hysteric. (They change the name of that diagnosis from time to time to try and baffle the recipients but if you understand the word, you know what the diagnosis means, literally.)
Why does this work, and now, and it hasn't in the past? I don't know. Humidity, altitude, security in my home, vitamins, I simply don't know. And, further, I don't care. I am trying no harder now, actually I am not trying at all. I actually think they still want to give me lisinopril. My doctor suggested I "should" be able to tolerate it, as it is a close medicine to losartan. And, to a degree, they are similar, but their mechanism is very different. And... no. I won't take a proven failure. Is it cheaper or are they trying to get everyone to take the same pills just for a fun experiment?
The younger doctor suggested, that perhaps since this has been a long time illness, and that the recent medication seems to be helping, that perhaps my illness has been there a long time. Now, he may simply have read my blog, saw that story, and wanted to feel out my notion to see if there is anything to it. Uhrm, I don't think he actually believed a word of it though. I just got the feeling I was being handed "intellectual rope" by which to be allowed to hang myself, or he was looking for... something, in truth. In either case, he lost that train of thought and didn't seem to even want to be in the same room with me after having initially seemed reluctantly cordial. But... I don't care. I don't need cordial, I need on-the-same-page, if I have to choose.
Oh, fine. The blog marathon should be winding down. My bicycle and most of the bells and whistles have arrived. The boots and such are here too, but the post office does not deliver and UPS seems to go through the USPS where I live, and USPS doesn't deliver. I could, technically, pick up my bike tonight. Not likely. I doubt if I will finish the dishes, sweep, take care of boxes, or... I might, I do mean might, go from the chair in front of the computer to a place in front of the stupidifying tube (television). I might crawl in and find food. My feet HURT, my back hurts, my upper body skeleton hurts. All will feel better soon enough, but for now I just want an easy rest of the day. Actually, I'm... getting better. As I wake the pains seem lighter. But I do need a day off. I pushed very hard.
Tomorrow then. Have a wonderful afternoon, evening, and life.
If I heard correctly.
.
.
What I think I heard was an actual measure by which to know how bad my heart really is. It is pumping 15% of capacity. No, it isn't quite as bad as it might sound. I asked specifically what percentage a healthy heart pumps. It seems a healthy heart pumps at about 50% capacity, meaning my heart is actually pumping 30% of what a healthy heart should pump. Well, now I know.
I was dead set against them changing ANYTHING. I spoke with a lady who deals with us scruff-abouts, and we discussed what I am on, how I am doing, and such. Then I talked with, I believe, a fellow or intern or... something. And then the chief came in, there are two of those and many of the others... I think. They, I thought, wanted me on more carvedilol. I thought I was speaking plainly, but... probably not. Being up all night, having done a lot of work, still in a bit of pain from standing and working, the drive, and all else, perhaps I was speaking too quickly or they didn't understand or I misspoke. I was sure they had asked me to double my carvedilol last time. In any case, a bit of information was given. Some discussion went forward, and... I caved. I agreed to changes as they presented why and because I can call them 24/7 and more I will be going back in only a week from today. I will take the risk with that kind of coverage.
They are dropping the hydrochlorothiazide completely, cutting the furosimide to 40 mg from 60 mg, doubling the potassium intake, and the losartin is being changed to also be without the hydrochlorothiazide (and maybe raised a bit). They say I am about six pounds shy on fluid now. However, they don't want me to gain more than three pounds, so they want me to weigh myself each morning, take my blood pressure, and write it all down. If I gain five pounds I am to call them, at which time they may readjust my medicines again.
They backed off from pushing the angiography. It seems a less likely culprit. I know they want to get in there, but... I want to see what medicine can do first, since I don't know and they don't definitively know either. Gladly, there was no confrontation, no arguing, no bickering. The flow of the appointment was quite good. I easily made it there on time, I made the labs perfectly, was there and early for the clinic. Beautiful. Yes, that my friends is how to begin earning trust.
Oh, at the Ogden clinic, they had wanted to do a rectal. I said, in a rather certain way, NO! If I have cancer there I will simply have to die. No fingers, no scalpels, nothing but poo and only on the outgoing split shift. Oh, I also remember speaking with my last primary there about the ear wax. At one time she suggested olive oil. Well, that isn't quite what works. Olive oil, baby oil, or mineral oil (I think) are put in the ear a few drops a day for a week, then a bulb syringe is used with body temperature water to try and flush the plug. I have ringing in the ears, so I really want to try this.
On the way home I did stop at a pharm-mart and picked up a scale, everything for the ear wax thing, and an odd other item or two. The V.A. had offered me a scale, but when I went to pick it up I was told it would be another hour or so, that after seeing a pharmacy specialist to register to get my new medicines (but no medicine set as I had been promised either), then waiting to actually pick up my medicines, and picking up my travel pay (and again talking about my appointments past, they only pay for travel that day, all other disbursements are supposed to be mailed out but I have only received two checks in the last two (plus?) years here). Anyway, I got what I needed, save for a couple of med-sets. Soon, very soon.
It seems my bike is in. So when I go to town to pick it up, med-sets, two. I thought my hiking boots would be here today but it seems not. I'll be checking again on those.
Man am I tired. But my bedroom is so hot! I left the windows open and it cooked in there. Tired, hot, sore, but... I may just sleep on the couch for now. All good. Good night, finally. These marathon writing sprees must be murder! Ah well, don't bother trying to keep up on such days. Yeah, again, good "night".
.
What I think I heard was an actual measure by which to know how bad my heart really is. It is pumping 15% of capacity. No, it isn't quite as bad as it might sound. I asked specifically what percentage a healthy heart pumps. It seems a healthy heart pumps at about 50% capacity, meaning my heart is actually pumping 30% of what a healthy heart should pump. Well, now I know.
I was dead set against them changing ANYTHING. I spoke with a lady who deals with us scruff-abouts, and we discussed what I am on, how I am doing, and such. Then I talked with, I believe, a fellow or intern or... something. And then the chief came in, there are two of those and many of the others... I think. They, I thought, wanted me on more carvedilol. I thought I was speaking plainly, but... probably not. Being up all night, having done a lot of work, still in a bit of pain from standing and working, the drive, and all else, perhaps I was speaking too quickly or they didn't understand or I misspoke. I was sure they had asked me to double my carvedilol last time. In any case, a bit of information was given. Some discussion went forward, and... I caved. I agreed to changes as they presented why and because I can call them 24/7 and more I will be going back in only a week from today. I will take the risk with that kind of coverage.
They are dropping the hydrochlorothiazide completely, cutting the furosimide to 40 mg from 60 mg, doubling the potassium intake, and the losartin is being changed to also be without the hydrochlorothiazide (and maybe raised a bit). They say I am about six pounds shy on fluid now. However, they don't want me to gain more than three pounds, so they want me to weigh myself each morning, take my blood pressure, and write it all down. If I gain five pounds I am to call them, at which time they may readjust my medicines again.
They backed off from pushing the angiography. It seems a less likely culprit. I know they want to get in there, but... I want to see what medicine can do first, since I don't know and they don't definitively know either. Gladly, there was no confrontation, no arguing, no bickering. The flow of the appointment was quite good. I easily made it there on time, I made the labs perfectly, was there and early for the clinic. Beautiful. Yes, that my friends is how to begin earning trust.
Oh, at the Ogden clinic, they had wanted to do a rectal. I said, in a rather certain way, NO! If I have cancer there I will simply have to die. No fingers, no scalpels, nothing but poo and only on the outgoing split shift. Oh, I also remember speaking with my last primary there about the ear wax. At one time she suggested olive oil. Well, that isn't quite what works. Olive oil, baby oil, or mineral oil (I think) are put in the ear a few drops a day for a week, then a bulb syringe is used with body temperature water to try and flush the plug. I have ringing in the ears, so I really want to try this.
On the way home I did stop at a pharm-mart and picked up a scale, everything for the ear wax thing, and an odd other item or two. The V.A. had offered me a scale, but when I went to pick it up I was told it would be another hour or so, that after seeing a pharmacy specialist to register to get my new medicines (but no medicine set as I had been promised either), then waiting to actually pick up my medicines, and picking up my travel pay (and again talking about my appointments past, they only pay for travel that day, all other disbursements are supposed to be mailed out but I have only received two checks in the last two (plus?) years here). Anyway, I got what I needed, save for a couple of med-sets. Soon, very soon.
It seems my bike is in. So when I go to town to pick it up, med-sets, two. I thought my hiking boots would be here today but it seems not. I'll be checking again on those.
Man am I tired. But my bedroom is so hot! I left the windows open and it cooked in there. Tired, hot, sore, but... I may just sleep on the couch for now. All good. Good night, finally. These marathon writing sprees must be murder! Ah well, don't bother trying to keep up on such days. Yeah, again, good "night".
While I was awake and as I started to collapse...
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Research seemed the thing. I can't remember how many loads of dishes or laundry I have done today. Only that it has been over four of each, the last two dish cycles have included four sinks worth, each double washed, rinsed, put away, and another load set to soak. I am, actually, nearly done. Yes I do have a lot of dishes. The laundry was more because I keep finding things I want washed and Sam finds new and interesting things upon which to vomit. Two loads of what I am really guessing to be six loads was clothes and towels, normal stuff. And I have washed two sets of towels through there, the ones I was using to dry the dishes. So, staying up while getting ahead, all at once. Anyway, I am absolutely physically dead so I started to research.
It seems snake bite kits might not be a wise idea. Of course, how well you know the kit, the snake, and such, that might make the kit worthwhile for that or other reasons. But it seems that a scalpel will probably only increase infection, the tourniquet may not impede the flow of poison and might increase the likelihood of gangrene, and even the suction cup might do more harm than good. I don't know, but I am looking for several more opinions before I decide on that.
Another topic of research was... ear wax. When I was seeing my last primary, at the Ogden clinic, she said something about ear wax. I guess I thought she was being rude or something. Yeah, I know, doc types often come across as rude. In any case, my new new doctor (there was one in between but he refused my case I do believe, and good on him) brought up ear wax. But this time I dug into that a bit, to see if it was just a put down or if there was something actually in there. My previous doc type wasn't all that talkative... I can be hard to handle though too. Anywhile, it seems they were serious. She suggested that the nurses clean them, they do that on Thursdays, and suggested perhaps I set something up. Well, I am sort of tired of doctors, nurses, and clinics. No offense, you'll know more directly when I am offending. So, tonight, I looked for how to do it myself. It seems there is truth that I shouldn't be using cotton swabs. And that what I thought was cleaning really probably wasn't touching the real problem. Though medical sites all say "YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, OR YOU WILL DIEEEEE!!!!". Bunk. I found a site that offers a reasonable explanation of what the ear wax buzz is all about, what to do about it, and it seems reasonable. More than reasonable, I am going to try it. I just need to purchase a few very minor items. I will be picking those up on the way home. I forgot to buy the medicine sets anyway, so I'll pick those up while I am at it. Actually, what he suggests makes the notion of the nurses doing it in one day seem somewhere between implausible and unsafe. Yeah, I think I'll put my own things in my ears, thank you.
I am quite sore. Getting sleepy too. But it is time to go. I'm running just a bit late but it should work. Out by 5:30, I hope. Have a great day.
.
Research seemed the thing. I can't remember how many loads of dishes or laundry I have done today. Only that it has been over four of each, the last two dish cycles have included four sinks worth, each double washed, rinsed, put away, and another load set to soak. I am, actually, nearly done. Yes I do have a lot of dishes. The laundry was more because I keep finding things I want washed and Sam finds new and interesting things upon which to vomit. Two loads of what I am really guessing to be six loads was clothes and towels, normal stuff. And I have washed two sets of towels through there, the ones I was using to dry the dishes. So, staying up while getting ahead, all at once. Anyway, I am absolutely physically dead so I started to research.
It seems snake bite kits might not be a wise idea. Of course, how well you know the kit, the snake, and such, that might make the kit worthwhile for that or other reasons. But it seems that a scalpel will probably only increase infection, the tourniquet may not impede the flow of poison and might increase the likelihood of gangrene, and even the suction cup might do more harm than good. I don't know, but I am looking for several more opinions before I decide on that.
Another topic of research was... ear wax. When I was seeing my last primary, at the Ogden clinic, she said something about ear wax. I guess I thought she was being rude or something. Yeah, I know, doc types often come across as rude. In any case, my new new doctor (there was one in between but he refused my case I do believe, and good on him) brought up ear wax. But this time I dug into that a bit, to see if it was just a put down or if there was something actually in there. My previous doc type wasn't all that talkative... I can be hard to handle though too. Anywhile, it seems they were serious. She suggested that the nurses clean them, they do that on Thursdays, and suggested perhaps I set something up. Well, I am sort of tired of doctors, nurses, and clinics. No offense, you'll know more directly when I am offending. So, tonight, I looked for how to do it myself. It seems there is truth that I shouldn't be using cotton swabs. And that what I thought was cleaning really probably wasn't touching the real problem. Though medical sites all say "YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, OR YOU WILL DIEEEEE!!!!". Bunk. I found a site that offers a reasonable explanation of what the ear wax buzz is all about, what to do about it, and it seems reasonable. More than reasonable, I am going to try it. I just need to purchase a few very minor items. I will be picking those up on the way home. I forgot to buy the medicine sets anyway, so I'll pick those up while I am at it. Actually, what he suggests makes the notion of the nurses doing it in one day seem somewhere between implausible and unsafe. Yeah, I think I'll put my own things in my ears, thank you.
I am quite sore. Getting sleepy too. But it is time to go. I'm running just a bit late but it should work. Out by 5:30, I hope. Have a great day.
Still writing.
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It helps to keep me awake. My plan is to shower about 4:00, spend an hour drying and waking, then start driving by 5:00 for the blood lab and then the clinic at 8:00 then 9:00. I am hoping that is early enough traffic won't be a problem, but I doubt it so I am giving myself an extra hour for the drive. I haven't seen the morning rush, but afternoon rush hours can come to a stop and then crawl then stop etc. for many miles of road. As well, I won't feel so rushed.
Dishes, lots and lots of dishes done. These last dishes are the least fresh, perhaps of course if you follow logic. I am not only soaking them, I am then washing them twice before drying them and putting them away. It obviously will take a lot more time. One more load of laundry to wash and dry, I think. My back is killing me. I really wish I could take a couple of Tylenol. They sure helped earlier last night. Blood tests, possibly fasting. Oh, and boy am I hungry! Odd, considering I am seeing some rather unsavory remnants in the dishes. But hungry is the only term reasonable, though if I go by feeling I might suggest I am starving. I will definitely have a fine breakfast or lunch tomorrow as soon as I can.
Oh, right. I am unsure whether to take my medicine or not. I hate that. I think with them, when I visit, I will ask. I am pretty sure they will be doing a stock set of blood tests when I visit, so it should be standard. I hope. I am doing my level best to let the doctors have their way, within understood limits. They don't like have limits, then again, neither do I. They shouldn't argue with success though. Then again, lowering my blood pressure might not be seen as a success, only a step in it, to them. Still, I will absolutely have to hold them to a line or they will absolute flood me with medicine again, and it will fail. Have zero doubt.
On to the last load of laundry. For my rest times, I have been playing Duke Nukem, Manhattan Project. Yep, gaming, working, and perhaps I will through study and exercise into that routine before long. I'm doing too much today, I know. I will need some down time, so the new coop roof will have to wait until next week. I will continue on my home, cleaning, sorting, storing things. I will probably get the materials out to the coop, I think they will fit inside until I am ready, so that part will be done and it is a big part of the job if an unskilled part. But I will be going at a slower pace. I simply was on a roll and had to be awake anyway.
Later. I hope you are sleeping well, right now. I would, in a very non-literal way, like to join you.
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It helps to keep me awake. My plan is to shower about 4:00, spend an hour drying and waking, then start driving by 5:00 for the blood lab and then the clinic at 8:00 then 9:00. I am hoping that is early enough traffic won't be a problem, but I doubt it so I am giving myself an extra hour for the drive. I haven't seen the morning rush, but afternoon rush hours can come to a stop and then crawl then stop etc. for many miles of road. As well, I won't feel so rushed.
Dishes, lots and lots of dishes done. These last dishes are the least fresh, perhaps of course if you follow logic. I am not only soaking them, I am then washing them twice before drying them and putting them away. It obviously will take a lot more time. One more load of laundry to wash and dry, I think. My back is killing me. I really wish I could take a couple of Tylenol. They sure helped earlier last night. Blood tests, possibly fasting. Oh, and boy am I hungry! Odd, considering I am seeing some rather unsavory remnants in the dishes. But hungry is the only term reasonable, though if I go by feeling I might suggest I am starving. I will definitely have a fine breakfast or lunch tomorrow as soon as I can.
Oh, right. I am unsure whether to take my medicine or not. I hate that. I think with them, when I visit, I will ask. I am pretty sure they will be doing a stock set of blood tests when I visit, so it should be standard. I hope. I am doing my level best to let the doctors have their way, within understood limits. They don't like have limits, then again, neither do I. They shouldn't argue with success though. Then again, lowering my blood pressure might not be seen as a success, only a step in it, to them. Still, I will absolutely have to hold them to a line or they will absolute flood me with medicine again, and it will fail. Have zero doubt.
On to the last load of laundry. For my rest times, I have been playing Duke Nukem, Manhattan Project. Yep, gaming, working, and perhaps I will through study and exercise into that routine before long. I'm doing too much today, I know. I will need some down time, so the new coop roof will have to wait until next week. I will continue on my home, cleaning, sorting, storing things. I will probably get the materials out to the coop, I think they will fit inside until I am ready, so that part will be done and it is a big part of the job if an unskilled part. But I will be going at a slower pace. I simply was on a roll and had to be awake anyway.
Later. I hope you are sleeping well, right now. I would, in a very non-literal way, like to join you.
Swinging from the chandeliers, making a monkey of myself.
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Well, not quite that. But I am back on the work program. I did finish the lawn, as I said. Then I took a good long rest, after dealing with the laundry. After that, a couple of pair of loads of dishes and two more loads soaking, four if you want to include two sets of small loads soaking (it's wonderful to have two double sinks), another load of laundry through both machines, the dried items folded and put away or hung up in the closet. And I actually don't think I am done. I DID remember to take my medicine. I did not remember to eat in time. I am not sure if they want me to fast for the blood work tomorrow. So, by default, I will... this time. After midnight, nothing but water or coffee, black. Bleh.
Since I am in the swing of things, I will simply continue to work. I am not sure how many more dishes I can finish tonight, I might be able to get them all. Doubtful, but... I will finish all my laundry. Which reminds me, my life is changing. I used to have a bit of a mess, because I would hang or drape clothes and towels everywhere, not being sure how long between washes, I had to conserve. I am realizing I don't have to do that anymore! Oh, I know, you must be crossing your eyes at me. Don't, I really couldn't pull, yank, push, or otherwise extricate my head from my ass enough to do laundry regularly. Seriously. Clothes, sheets, blankets, whatever... as soon as I wear it or Sam pukes on it, in the basket it goes and reliably twice a week I take things in and through the system. With the washing machine I now have, I could probably do single items without worrying about using too much water, wasting soap, or anything else, or simply it being too much hassle. I am keeping that machine up. I dry it out manually when done and then leave it open to air dry the rest of the way. Wouldn't have worked all that well in Iowa, but here... magic.
Clothes are finding regular places, as are other items. I the last time I 'fell down' I was just getting to the point of fully rearranging my bedroom, and stowing all things in there properly. The notion being, after the bedroom, the living room, then the kitchen, then every room eventually. But I am catching up enough so that the notion is coming back. You just have no idea how different life is now. I honestly haven't seen this good of living for decades. Even with the slight downturn recently, I think I am digging up even when I have my 'falls'. A 'fall' now is relative, only less of an increase, mostly. My increase, too, is measured. If I think I am going too fast, I will slow things down. An hour break, maybe two hours, maybe a day or three off. I only continue tonight because there is now way I could wake up, if I could sleep, in such a short time.
I am already a new man. I may go on to become even a new man from this point. If it is to be that I die, I absolutely don't mind. I am hoping God has seen fit to see me here long enough to try and juggle a wife, some livestock, a horse, and a few other things in there before I go. If not, I'm... not so sure I might end up being quite grateful too. :p To find a good woman is the trick. I figure I will look for a good one then get her trained for pole dancing. I am assuming it is a lot easier going in that direction than finding a pole dancer and making her into a good woman. I think. I might be a new man, but I am still... just a man.
Good night, for your part.
.
Well, not quite that. But I am back on the work program. I did finish the lawn, as I said. Then I took a good long rest, after dealing with the laundry. After that, a couple of pair of loads of dishes and two more loads soaking, four if you want to include two sets of small loads soaking (it's wonderful to have two double sinks), another load of laundry through both machines, the dried items folded and put away or hung up in the closet. And I actually don't think I am done. I DID remember to take my medicine. I did not remember to eat in time. I am not sure if they want me to fast for the blood work tomorrow. So, by default, I will... this time. After midnight, nothing but water or coffee, black. Bleh.
Since I am in the swing of things, I will simply continue to work. I am not sure how many more dishes I can finish tonight, I might be able to get them all. Doubtful, but... I will finish all my laundry. Which reminds me, my life is changing. I used to have a bit of a mess, because I would hang or drape clothes and towels everywhere, not being sure how long between washes, I had to conserve. I am realizing I don't have to do that anymore! Oh, I know, you must be crossing your eyes at me. Don't, I really couldn't pull, yank, push, or otherwise extricate my head from my ass enough to do laundry regularly. Seriously. Clothes, sheets, blankets, whatever... as soon as I wear it or Sam pukes on it, in the basket it goes and reliably twice a week I take things in and through the system. With the washing machine I now have, I could probably do single items without worrying about using too much water, wasting soap, or anything else, or simply it being too much hassle. I am keeping that machine up. I dry it out manually when done and then leave it open to air dry the rest of the way. Wouldn't have worked all that well in Iowa, but here... magic.
Clothes are finding regular places, as are other items. I the last time I 'fell down' I was just getting to the point of fully rearranging my bedroom, and stowing all things in there properly. The notion being, after the bedroom, the living room, then the kitchen, then every room eventually. But I am catching up enough so that the notion is coming back. You just have no idea how different life is now. I honestly haven't seen this good of living for decades. Even with the slight downturn recently, I think I am digging up even when I have my 'falls'. A 'fall' now is relative, only less of an increase, mostly. My increase, too, is measured. If I think I am going too fast, I will slow things down. An hour break, maybe two hours, maybe a day or three off. I only continue tonight because there is now way I could wake up, if I could sleep, in such a short time.
I am already a new man. I may go on to become even a new man from this point. If it is to be that I die, I absolutely don't mind. I am hoping God has seen fit to see me here long enough to try and juggle a wife, some livestock, a horse, and a few other things in there before I go. If not, I'm... not so sure I might end up being quite grateful too. :p To find a good woman is the trick. I figure I will look for a good one then get her trained for pole dancing. I am assuming it is a lot easier going in that direction than finding a pole dancer and making her into a good woman. I think. I might be a new man, but I am still... just a man.
Good night, for your part.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Mowing!
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Not as much as I had hoped this first run, but I finished half of the back yard. I don't know where I mowed last time, but as it turns out, mowing where I am mowing is a lot more difficult than weed whipping. That'll put some pepper in my nose. It may have sprinkled, but so far that is all. I do hear thunder, I think, from time to time. I don't really care if I can finish the part I started. The other part, though much smaller in area, will be much tougher than even what I am mowing. It will wait for another day, no matter. I have decided, after mowing at the highest setting of the wheels, that it will be enough. And this grass, unlike some of the weedy or hay-like grasses, will not need raked. The small remaining area will need raked though. I figure, once I finish these areas, a week after I am done I will mow the whole area again, with wheels on high, and then think about whether to cut the grass even shorter. As for me, I like thick plush grass to walk on.
Another load of laundry has been done. I would do another couple of loads of dishes, but I am racing the sun and need a break. So, those will wait until mowing is done. A couple more loads of laundry and dishes, the mowing, and I will probably call it a day, loading bullets later if I feel like it. I have an early appointment tomorrow. Though not technically an appointment, a walk in clinic, I don't know the hours of operation or best times. If early is quickest, early it will be in any case. At least I have a little slack if I am running late.
It is not just medicine that is improving, come to think of it. Making appointments, I have been phenomenal (especially for me). Something is changing, whether short or long term only time will tell. It isn't that I didn't try before, I just... couldn't always go. Sometimes I would lose track, other times I really couldn't get off my buns and go, in a more literal understanding. And I would get so locked in and closed down I couldn't think to call. No, by the way, they don't understand. Not at all. Funny no one has smirked about that, even at this date, lately. They used to love to beat me over the head about that, too. Whine, grump, complain, rinse and repeat, them and me. Frag. Ah, but it's a beautiful day, rain and all, and I am... winning. No, really. No tiger blood, mostly, and I am certainly not a alien space superstar either (probably), but... Winning indeed.
Have a great day!
Update: It was a tie. The lawn, the sun, and myself all finished at just about the same time. I saw that, though I won't go over the lawn on low or rake, something was needed. So, I ended up going over the area a time to two extra, depending on the particular area. It looks good. Now I need a good long rest. Hmm, no, after I fold a load of laundry and get those machines going again. Yes, then a break. Until that is done. Dishes... I will just have to see. Tylenol down the tubes, though. All good, again, all good.
.
Not as much as I had hoped this first run, but I finished half of the back yard. I don't know where I mowed last time, but as it turns out, mowing where I am mowing is a lot more difficult than weed whipping. That'll put some pepper in my nose. It may have sprinkled, but so far that is all. I do hear thunder, I think, from time to time. I don't really care if I can finish the part I started. The other part, though much smaller in area, will be much tougher than even what I am mowing. It will wait for another day, no matter. I have decided, after mowing at the highest setting of the wheels, that it will be enough. And this grass, unlike some of the weedy or hay-like grasses, will not need raked. The small remaining area will need raked though. I figure, once I finish these areas, a week after I am done I will mow the whole area again, with wheels on high, and then think about whether to cut the grass even shorter. As for me, I like thick plush grass to walk on.
Another load of laundry has been done. I would do another couple of loads of dishes, but I am racing the sun and need a break. So, those will wait until mowing is done. A couple more loads of laundry and dishes, the mowing, and I will probably call it a day, loading bullets later if I feel like it. I have an early appointment tomorrow. Though not technically an appointment, a walk in clinic, I don't know the hours of operation or best times. If early is quickest, early it will be in any case. At least I have a little slack if I am running late.
It is not just medicine that is improving, come to think of it. Making appointments, I have been phenomenal (especially for me). Something is changing, whether short or long term only time will tell. It isn't that I didn't try before, I just... couldn't always go. Sometimes I would lose track, other times I really couldn't get off my buns and go, in a more literal understanding. And I would get so locked in and closed down I couldn't think to call. No, by the way, they don't understand. Not at all. Funny no one has smirked about that, even at this date, lately. They used to love to beat me over the head about that, too. Whine, grump, complain, rinse and repeat, them and me. Frag. Ah, but it's a beautiful day, rain and all, and I am... winning. No, really. No tiger blood, mostly, and I am certainly not a alien space superstar either (probably), but... Winning indeed.
Have a great day!
Update: It was a tie. The lawn, the sun, and myself all finished at just about the same time. I saw that, though I won't go over the lawn on low or rake, something was needed. So, I ended up going over the area a time to two extra, depending on the particular area. It looks good. Now I need a good long rest. Hmm, no, after I fold a load of laundry and get those machines going again. Yes, then a break. Until that is done. Dishes... I will just have to see. Tylenol down the tubes, though. All good, again, all good.
No! But, maybe.
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As I was tinkering around the house, putting a load in the wash and gathering other items for the next load or two, I noticed it. Clouds, heavy, pregnant, and filling the sky. Rain? It really could be. Maybe it will be a short rain, if it rains. That might help cool things off quickly and yet not mess up mowing? I can hope. I was planning to mow an hour from now, so it might work. In the meanwhile I did another load of dishes and set two more loads soaking.
I had thought my recent falling had set me back to nubs in my goals of putting my castle in order. Not being able to press ahead is depressing by itself, but to add falling even further behind while being down just adds grump to whine. There was little I could do but watch though. That is until the last few days when a window of opportunity opened again. After getting back in the saddle, I see that my efforts were not wasted and I have not fallen nearly as far back as it had seemed! I am still well ahead, and the slippage has already been tended!
The first night, it was, well, night. Yesterday was a bit off for a number of reasons. Still, it was taken up by an appointment anyway. Back on track today and it is all good. I suppose from sitting for a bit, the aches from minor efforts is back. Like last time, working through it and Tylenol in the worst cases should see me back to being able to function without thought or pain for a while. The longer I stretch my windows of opportunity, the more I can reasonably do and get done, the better. Having the bike will give me something tangibly different yet still physical to do once in a while. Work, rest, ride, rest, play... well... play is rest or can be. Variety. I need to find that local college catalog. I might have to apply for medical training, and perhaps welding, this winter. If I can get them at two days a week, and the same days to cut down on travel, I might just go forward with those. I would love to find more about classes on the short wave radio, too, for a near future endeavor.
After doing what I can today, tonight I would like to load a couple boxes of ammunition. Perhaps I will try two different powders, just to be a bit different, slightly above minimum loads, for now. I won't be packing them tight unless those prove more accurate and I can't move forward with testing until I buy a chronograph. Then I can get down to the science of 'bulletry'. Oh, I know, it is just a silly thing in a way. Then again, it does cut shooting costs (per bullet anyway), it is hands and mind "on", it is a real scientific and engineering practice, and it provides things that go "bang". Hey, all of those are right up my alley and I can do it all on my schedule. See, see?
Even if it rains too much I will simply redirect my purposes and do more in my home than I had planned. I still haven't dealt with a bunch of empty boxes, I could do more neatening, and a bit of sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, and... hmm, where is my duster? Nah, I don't have enough stuff to dust to need a duster. A dish cloth should do nicely... should I decide the dust actually needs to be removed. Doesn't dust have rights yet? At least according to the U.N.? I'll be it does. Still, if I was a little more on the go, I would probably violate those rights, if nothing else just for the violation part. I best not see any blue helmets on my lawn should I do so. *evil grins*
Well, another bit and I will check the laundry. The soaking water might be cool enough to begin those dishes too. Well, maybe not. Tinker time. Have a great day.
.
As I was tinkering around the house, putting a load in the wash and gathering other items for the next load or two, I noticed it. Clouds, heavy, pregnant, and filling the sky. Rain? It really could be. Maybe it will be a short rain, if it rains. That might help cool things off quickly and yet not mess up mowing? I can hope. I was planning to mow an hour from now, so it might work. In the meanwhile I did another load of dishes and set two more loads soaking.
I had thought my recent falling had set me back to nubs in my goals of putting my castle in order. Not being able to press ahead is depressing by itself, but to add falling even further behind while being down just adds grump to whine. There was little I could do but watch though. That is until the last few days when a window of opportunity opened again. After getting back in the saddle, I see that my efforts were not wasted and I have not fallen nearly as far back as it had seemed! I am still well ahead, and the slippage has already been tended!
The first night, it was, well, night. Yesterday was a bit off for a number of reasons. Still, it was taken up by an appointment anyway. Back on track today and it is all good. I suppose from sitting for a bit, the aches from minor efforts is back. Like last time, working through it and Tylenol in the worst cases should see me back to being able to function without thought or pain for a while. The longer I stretch my windows of opportunity, the more I can reasonably do and get done, the better. Having the bike will give me something tangibly different yet still physical to do once in a while. Work, rest, ride, rest, play... well... play is rest or can be. Variety. I need to find that local college catalog. I might have to apply for medical training, and perhaps welding, this winter. If I can get them at two days a week, and the same days to cut down on travel, I might just go forward with those. I would love to find more about classes on the short wave radio, too, for a near future endeavor.
After doing what I can today, tonight I would like to load a couple boxes of ammunition. Perhaps I will try two different powders, just to be a bit different, slightly above minimum loads, for now. I won't be packing them tight unless those prove more accurate and I can't move forward with testing until I buy a chronograph. Then I can get down to the science of 'bulletry'. Oh, I know, it is just a silly thing in a way. Then again, it does cut shooting costs (per bullet anyway), it is hands and mind "on", it is a real scientific and engineering practice, and it provides things that go "bang". Hey, all of those are right up my alley and I can do it all on my schedule. See, see?
Even if it rains too much I will simply redirect my purposes and do more in my home than I had planned. I still haven't dealt with a bunch of empty boxes, I could do more neatening, and a bit of sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, and... hmm, where is my duster? Nah, I don't have enough stuff to dust to need a duster. A dish cloth should do nicely... should I decide the dust actually needs to be removed. Doesn't dust have rights yet? At least according to the U.N.? I'll be it does. Still, if I was a little more on the go, I would probably violate those rights, if nothing else just for the violation part. I best not see any blue helmets on my lawn should I do so. *evil grins*
Well, another bit and I will check the laundry. The soaking water might be cool enough to begin those dishes too. Well, maybe not. Tinker time. Have a great day.
Lower credit card interest?
.
.
Did anyone else just get a call suggesting a stimulus related Obama package which promised to lower their credit card interest rates to 4 something percent? The call, the one I received, was a pre-recorded call, which gave such a promise, then suggested I hit "1" to continue. I abruptly hung up the phone, of course. Oh, and they said this was my "final notice". Hmm, didn't get a first, second, or any other notice. The bastages! One can hope it was my final notice.
Why am I writing this? Because if it sounds too good to be true, it is. One call, last notice, anything to do with Obama, and you have never heard of this "benefit", you should hang up too. Just... a warning to you all.
.
Did anyone else just get a call suggesting a stimulus related Obama package which promised to lower their credit card interest rates to 4 something percent? The call, the one I received, was a pre-recorded call, which gave such a promise, then suggested I hit "1" to continue. I abruptly hung up the phone, of course. Oh, and they said this was my "final notice". Hmm, didn't get a first, second, or any other notice. The bastages! One can hope it was my final notice.
Why am I writing this? Because if it sounds too good to be true, it is. One call, last notice, anything to do with Obama, and you have never heard of this "benefit", you should hang up too. Just... a warning to you all.
Hot day, good day.
.
.
It is cooking out there. I woke rather late, which is fine. Sleep was fantastic and I needed it. Whatever else might still be good or bad, health-wise, that I am much more frequently actually able to do more than become unconscious for some number of hours is huge. My sleep recharges me. I wake refreshed, to varying degrees. And often, like last night, sleep was completely real, I got from sleep what everyone else usually expects. Beautiful!
While still in the waking phase, and that still takes an hour or two, I believe I can get to things again. A couple of loads of dishes, while the my world cools, a bit of straightening and neatening, a load of laundry, all light and easy and slow as I am still a quite limited. That and I want to save a lot of juice to get out and mow later. Absolutely beautiful!
Who would think a man could be trapped in his body for so long. It must be assumed by some that I want to be in here, or something? My bike is on it's way, my boots should be showing up soon, and I am looking for the two guide books for local hiking trails again. I might have to find the trailheads on off days, have some of them marked, and be ready to get out when I am able and quickly before I recant. Once out I will be fine. What are good things to take on short hikes? Water, of course. Perhaps a snack. Maybe insect repellent. Anything else? I will probably need to break these boots in, but I think I can do that by wearing them as daily wear for... a while. A week or two and then beginning hikes, I would guess. These are medium hiking boots, not for the heaviest loads or the roughest trails, neither is on the menu this year in any case. All good. Biking will probably be my real start though. Just a couple of blocks over, down, and then back. I have to regain my skills, strengths, wind, and such. I suppose I could just walk, but walking takes a lot more time to cover so little ground. I still feel... exposed... on the ground on foot and away from home. A bicycle is a vehicle, if more exposed than the Xterra it is comforting to a degree. Yes... I have... issues. Things are tactical, always, for many reasons.
It is a beautiful day. Whatever good or bad is happening in your life, I honestly hope you can take a few moments and maybe a bit more to... just see it. Have a great day.
.
It is cooking out there. I woke rather late, which is fine. Sleep was fantastic and I needed it. Whatever else might still be good or bad, health-wise, that I am much more frequently actually able to do more than become unconscious for some number of hours is huge. My sleep recharges me. I wake refreshed, to varying degrees. And often, like last night, sleep was completely real, I got from sleep what everyone else usually expects. Beautiful!
While still in the waking phase, and that still takes an hour or two, I believe I can get to things again. A couple of loads of dishes, while the my world cools, a bit of straightening and neatening, a load of laundry, all light and easy and slow as I am still a quite limited. That and I want to save a lot of juice to get out and mow later. Absolutely beautiful!
Who would think a man could be trapped in his body for so long. It must be assumed by some that I want to be in here, or something? My bike is on it's way, my boots should be showing up soon, and I am looking for the two guide books for local hiking trails again. I might have to find the trailheads on off days, have some of them marked, and be ready to get out when I am able and quickly before I recant. Once out I will be fine. What are good things to take on short hikes? Water, of course. Perhaps a snack. Maybe insect repellent. Anything else? I will probably need to break these boots in, but I think I can do that by wearing them as daily wear for... a while. A week or two and then beginning hikes, I would guess. These are medium hiking boots, not for the heaviest loads or the roughest trails, neither is on the menu this year in any case. All good. Biking will probably be my real start though. Just a couple of blocks over, down, and then back. I have to regain my skills, strengths, wind, and such. I suppose I could just walk, but walking takes a lot more time to cover so little ground. I still feel... exposed... on the ground on foot and away from home. A bicycle is a vehicle, if more exposed than the Xterra it is comforting to a degree. Yes... I have... issues. Things are tactical, always, for many reasons.
It is a beautiful day. Whatever good or bad is happening in your life, I honestly hope you can take a few moments and maybe a bit more to... just see it. Have a great day.
Monday, June 27, 2011
A bit better.
.
.
A nap, some food, medicine, and the warm fuzzy monsters to keep me company. I couldn't sleep very long. I knew going down that I would either sleep short or long. When I am too tired, that is the way of it. Maybe I will be able to sleep again in a few hours. It would be nice so that mowing might be in the cards tomorrow. My day is open, so whenever I can get to it, if I can get to it, will be fine. The mornings are preferred, being much cooler. But afternoons might just have to do.
I have definitely decided I want to wait on the coronary angiography, and I will definitely not allow them to increase my medicine. Actually, if my blood pressure keeps getting lower, I will cut the extra half of the carvedilol. As well, I think it might be part of what has shut me down, when I did agree to take that extra amount. I may have to tinker with it, and perhaps on my own, but only whether to cut that extra pill or whether to take it every other day. I know they will try to double or triple the carvedilol. They have been itching to do so. NO! With these stats, I want to see what time will tell. Risky, but then I've been in much worse shape than I am now. Push, push, push, push, push. NO!
If in six months to a year there is no improvement, then possibly looking at a small increase in medication and or angiography. So, why would I be going in to the heart failure clinic? For increased monitoring of the radical variables, like potassium and a few other problems, and having access to people who deal with this, people who can at least spit out the wrote on the subject and advise regarding activity level and such more precisely than my GP.
My friend seems to be in a bad way too. I know he has helped me out by pushing and pulling to get me to go out when I was sick. His is pain, though, so if I do something, calling to check on him and visiting may be all I can do for now. I have offered to shop for him, if he can't. He has refused so far. They keep telling him to bind his foot tighter and tighter and all the time and his foot hurts more. I'm not sure what is going on, but I have suggested if doing the "right thing" with regards to a doctors advice causes that much pain, perhaps the advice is bad. He is having none of my advice. He did try it a few nights, and it seemed okay or at least that is as I recall it from before this last specialist appointment. It's his foot, if he wants to obey and suffer, that is his choice. I don't think they will give him any more or higher doses of pain pills though. They might even begin trying to ween him back. That is only going to add misery to pain. I'll check on him. He does seem a bit put out with me, or... something. No matter, I do that to people.
It was nice to hear that the doctor had trouble reconciling my physical appearance with my medical record. No, I didn't mean I am handsome so much as I was bragging about looking good for my condition. That just tickles me. I think it simply annoys them, both that I do look good and that it tickles me. Which... you guessed it... tickles me even more. I suppose I am a menace to people's state of mind. Not that I try, but I do enjoy when all is said, done, and divvied up. Like the guy who gets a hole-in-one his first time out, beats the fastest team sprinter on a lark the last day of high school, or something, then enjoys the fame. *tickled bluish-white*
The last dose of medicine and I might be getting ready for bed again. Good night.
.
A nap, some food, medicine, and the warm fuzzy monsters to keep me company. I couldn't sleep very long. I knew going down that I would either sleep short or long. When I am too tired, that is the way of it. Maybe I will be able to sleep again in a few hours. It would be nice so that mowing might be in the cards tomorrow. My day is open, so whenever I can get to it, if I can get to it, will be fine. The mornings are preferred, being much cooler. But afternoons might just have to do.
I have definitely decided I want to wait on the coronary angiography, and I will definitely not allow them to increase my medicine. Actually, if my blood pressure keeps getting lower, I will cut the extra half of the carvedilol. As well, I think it might be part of what has shut me down, when I did agree to take that extra amount. I may have to tinker with it, and perhaps on my own, but only whether to cut that extra pill or whether to take it every other day. I know they will try to double or triple the carvedilol. They have been itching to do so. NO! With these stats, I want to see what time will tell. Risky, but then I've been in much worse shape than I am now. Push, push, push, push, push. NO!
If in six months to a year there is no improvement, then possibly looking at a small increase in medication and or angiography. So, why would I be going in to the heart failure clinic? For increased monitoring of the radical variables, like potassium and a few other problems, and having access to people who deal with this, people who can at least spit out the wrote on the subject and advise regarding activity level and such more precisely than my GP.
My friend seems to be in a bad way too. I know he has helped me out by pushing and pulling to get me to go out when I was sick. His is pain, though, so if I do something, calling to check on him and visiting may be all I can do for now. I have offered to shop for him, if he can't. He has refused so far. They keep telling him to bind his foot tighter and tighter and all the time and his foot hurts more. I'm not sure what is going on, but I have suggested if doing the "right thing" with regards to a doctors advice causes that much pain, perhaps the advice is bad. He is having none of my advice. He did try it a few nights, and it seemed okay or at least that is as I recall it from before this last specialist appointment. It's his foot, if he wants to obey and suffer, that is his choice. I don't think they will give him any more or higher doses of pain pills though. They might even begin trying to ween him back. That is only going to add misery to pain. I'll check on him. He does seem a bit put out with me, or... something. No matter, I do that to people.
It was nice to hear that the doctor had trouble reconciling my physical appearance with my medical record. No, I didn't mean I am handsome so much as I was bragging about looking good for my condition. That just tickles me. I think it simply annoys them, both that I do look good and that it tickles me. Which... you guessed it... tickles me even more. I suppose I am a menace to people's state of mind. Not that I try, but I do enjoy when all is said, done, and divvied up. Like the guy who gets a hole-in-one his first time out, beats the fastest team sprinter on a lark the last day of high school, or something, then enjoys the fame. *tickled bluish-white*
The last dose of medicine and I might be getting ready for bed again. Good night.
Hot!
.
.
What a day. Tired from staying up and fasting, I headed out around 11:00. That was an hour later than what I had wanted but it worked out perfectly, in an imperfect way. I don't know if it was the heat, staying up, not eating, not taking my medicines this morning since no one got back to me until I was walking into the clinic, but I was feeling light headed and "odd". Nothing serious, just... not great. My friend was along to do some shopping. We went into the first place. He had a huge problem walking at any speed. His foot is extremely sore and he is exhausted from not sleeping or eating well. He ended up buying a book he had wanted. I teased about canes, but he actually did want one, and got one. Both of us were pretty much done at that. We decided to just drive to my appointment and call it a day at that. I arrived a half hour early, should have been closer to an hour early but traffic was mean, slow, and ugly. I dated her once, I think. Anyway, that is what I meant by working out perfectly.
My doctor was on the war path. I don't think she had seen my stats before letting loose. My blood pressure was... 96/66 and my pulse was 92! Anyway, she had words for me, about not "just taking what I was given", "not following orders", and something about sabotaging all efforts to save me. Then she asked why I wasn't following up with psychiatry and psychology. I had some fair words for her too. I told her my story, about over twelve years of experimentation with the quacks in psychiatry and psychology to no real net improvement, lots of side effects, one of them most likely being that the medicines perpetuated suicidal tendencies. I then lit into her on her side. I told her about working with a doctor for years trying to get the medicine right. Every time this, that, and the other doctor messed it up by overdosing me into greater dysfunction. Oh, she said, but with psychiatry, maybe things change. Sure, and liver cancer changes to pulmonary edema, I asked? Just how does a disease transform. Bunk. Then she said, about doctors overdosing me... well, if you had just given them a chance. Again I told her that I had allowed doctors five years and took what I could. But the medicines made it impossible TO take. She said she had no information going that far back. She lied. Because then she asked me about... what was up with my diabetes. Why I had it and then now I don't seem to have it? Huh? Your the doctor. If you don't know, why should I? But she quoted A1C numbers from the time she said she did not have data. No, no, don't junk with me. Man, these people are headcases. Lies, fibs, rumors... witch doctors indeed. Yeah, I remember.
Actually, after she got her bit out and I countered, I think she actually did step back and take stock. She, being liberal due to gender and indoctrination, will forget about stepping back... well... probably before I left the building. But she did learn I will not be pushed, bamboozled, stymied, or shamed. I can't be tricked, I don't forget, and I do think quite well. More than enough to hold my own with a memorizer, to be certain. Other than that, it went quite well. And, actually, I have no problems saying my piece, when it's right. Of course, it does seem from talking with her, that I really am on deaths bed. She was a bit surprised, suggesting that I don't show illness. I heard something in her voice. A catch. They really don't understand. She did write a scrip to be sent for more furosamide (water pill, sp?). That will mean I should have enough for a month and a week. Cardiology will make a final determination on whether to continue that, though I will strongly urge them in that direction.
The funny thing is, these doctors tell me all this is wrong with me and I am crazy too, then ask if I am working. What a gas. Truly, no, seriously, you can't make this crap up. They want their cake and to eat it too. Doesn't work on stone, steal, earth, fire, or any true thing... or me. They can't have either, in some ways. I'm not going to simply act sick. It is bad enough that I have to suffer from it. Bah! Bat-sh*t crazy, maybe. Wrong or healthy, no. But damn, for my condition I look mighty fine. And if I feel even this good, I don't mind dying if I might prefer a little more tinker time here.
No, not livid, lit up a bit perhaps. Chuckling like a banshee maybe. Half dead to be sure. Something about a serious heart malfunction, not pumping near enough blood, literally failing... pretty much failed actually. Oh, and the home sleep test I received did indicate 40% of the time I was below optimum oxygen levels. She didn't say by how much. But as I remember, that was indicated in a prior test in Iowa City, but it only dipped to 86-89% and that doctor said it wasn't a problem. Anyway, since I have no problem with the sleep device, I would consider using it. I still want to know more about the raw data and do my own research before accepting a machine. I thought she would know. I don't trust the sleep study place, it has a vested interest in hooking me up to (selling) a machine. Which is part of the problem with the medical system (all of them). Government or private practice, someone is moving and using money, which is another form of power. Consumers need to do their own research.
Well, enough of that for now. I need sleep, and my morning medicine. I'll take the rest of my medicine when I wake. Hot! Hot day, very hot! My home is simply cool. Stripping down to gym shorts and a t-shirt should help even more. Good night and good day.
.
What a day. Tired from staying up and fasting, I headed out around 11:00. That was an hour later than what I had wanted but it worked out perfectly, in an imperfect way. I don't know if it was the heat, staying up, not eating, not taking my medicines this morning since no one got back to me until I was walking into the clinic, but I was feeling light headed and "odd". Nothing serious, just... not great. My friend was along to do some shopping. We went into the first place. He had a huge problem walking at any speed. His foot is extremely sore and he is exhausted from not sleeping or eating well. He ended up buying a book he had wanted. I teased about canes, but he actually did want one, and got one. Both of us were pretty much done at that. We decided to just drive to my appointment and call it a day at that. I arrived a half hour early, should have been closer to an hour early but traffic was mean, slow, and ugly. I dated her once, I think. Anyway, that is what I meant by working out perfectly.
My doctor was on the war path. I don't think she had seen my stats before letting loose. My blood pressure was... 96/66 and my pulse was 92! Anyway, she had words for me, about not "just taking what I was given", "not following orders", and something about sabotaging all efforts to save me. Then she asked why I wasn't following up with psychiatry and psychology. I had some fair words for her too. I told her my story, about over twelve years of experimentation with the quacks in psychiatry and psychology to no real net improvement, lots of side effects, one of them most likely being that the medicines perpetuated suicidal tendencies. I then lit into her on her side. I told her about working with a doctor for years trying to get the medicine right. Every time this, that, and the other doctor messed it up by overdosing me into greater dysfunction. Oh, she said, but with psychiatry, maybe things change. Sure, and liver cancer changes to pulmonary edema, I asked? Just how does a disease transform. Bunk. Then she said, about doctors overdosing me... well, if you had just given them a chance. Again I told her that I had allowed doctors five years and took what I could. But the medicines made it impossible TO take. She said she had no information going that far back. She lied. Because then she asked me about... what was up with my diabetes. Why I had it and then now I don't seem to have it? Huh? Your the doctor. If you don't know, why should I? But she quoted A1C numbers from the time she said she did not have data. No, no, don't junk with me. Man, these people are headcases. Lies, fibs, rumors... witch doctors indeed. Yeah, I remember.
Actually, after she got her bit out and I countered, I think she actually did step back and take stock. She, being liberal due to gender and indoctrination, will forget about stepping back... well... probably before I left the building. But she did learn I will not be pushed, bamboozled, stymied, or shamed. I can't be tricked, I don't forget, and I do think quite well. More than enough to hold my own with a memorizer, to be certain. Other than that, it went quite well. And, actually, I have no problems saying my piece, when it's right. Of course, it does seem from talking with her, that I really am on deaths bed. She was a bit surprised, suggesting that I don't show illness. I heard something in her voice. A catch. They really don't understand. She did write a scrip to be sent for more furosamide (water pill, sp?). That will mean I should have enough for a month and a week. Cardiology will make a final determination on whether to continue that, though I will strongly urge them in that direction.
The funny thing is, these doctors tell me all this is wrong with me and I am crazy too, then ask if I am working. What a gas. Truly, no, seriously, you can't make this crap up. They want their cake and to eat it too. Doesn't work on stone, steal, earth, fire, or any true thing... or me. They can't have either, in some ways. I'm not going to simply act sick. It is bad enough that I have to suffer from it. Bah! Bat-sh*t crazy, maybe. Wrong or healthy, no. But damn, for my condition I look mighty fine. And if I feel even this good, I don't mind dying if I might prefer a little more tinker time here.
No, not livid, lit up a bit perhaps. Chuckling like a banshee maybe. Half dead to be sure. Something about a serious heart malfunction, not pumping near enough blood, literally failing... pretty much failed actually. Oh, and the home sleep test I received did indicate 40% of the time I was below optimum oxygen levels. She didn't say by how much. But as I remember, that was indicated in a prior test in Iowa City, but it only dipped to 86-89% and that doctor said it wasn't a problem. Anyway, since I have no problem with the sleep device, I would consider using it. I still want to know more about the raw data and do my own research before accepting a machine. I thought she would know. I don't trust the sleep study place, it has a vested interest in hooking me up to (selling) a machine. Which is part of the problem with the medical system (all of them). Government or private practice, someone is moving and using money, which is another form of power. Consumers need to do their own research.
Well, enough of that for now. I need sleep, and my morning medicine. I'll take the rest of my medicine when I wake. Hot! Hot day, very hot! My home is simply cool. Stripping down to gym shorts and a t-shirt should help even more. Good night and good day.
A bit of work.
.
.
Getting the trash out, this time, meant a complete sorting of the refrigerator and a some policing of the place. Nothing like heavy duty work, enough to bump my pulse though. I have two of the new litter boxes set up, with covers. After washing one of the old ones, I will be setting up a third box. With three litter boxes and charcoal filter lids, I am hoping to keep the odor much more tame and contained, same with their waste. Their aim is worse then mine. Even when I "mine" the worst of Sassy's leavings, it doesn't take the odor. Maybe this will help. She has been improving but... just trust me. Even twice a week of those stink bombs and you WILL figure out an alternative. Sam isn't going to like having even a swinging door on the boxes. I will find out when I get back from my appointment whether she could get over her aversion to the doors on the litter boxes.
While I was outside messing with the trash, I noticed my level concrete "porch" had accumulated a layer of last year's leaves. I could have sworn I cleaned it off last year, no... I know I did. Perhaps things from the roof through snow melt catchings? I don't know. But I did sweep that area clean again and I have my outside rug hanging over the fence to sort of... air clean, or something. Yes, I might be ready to work again. I would like to do dishes but, for now, not going to happen. I will collect recyclables next though, and take those out while resetting the container with a new bag.
No food until after 14:00, for blood tests. Fie, I won't. They asked me if I can do it, and actually I can easily But I really want to munch. I saw that I still have most of a chunk of edam cheese left. And some really tasty Italian snazzy style cold cuts, yet to be opened. And, other things. It is surprising, after dumping the bad, what good there is in a fridge sometimes. Mine, at times, has some of the most exotic items. Being on a budget, nothing too high end. But then, edam is $20 a pound, so it sort of depends on volume for some things, too. Hungry, darn it! Water or black coffee they say. I need to see if they want me to take my medicine, to include the potassium, regarding the blood tests. They have never quite given me a straight answer on that. I will probably have to ask the nurse herself. And she will probably want to ask the doctor. But, that is the way things work, so... Hmm, might leave a message before she arrives. Then call her around 9:00, sort of lube and push? Yeah...
Off to do something stupid but not very dangerous, I hope. Have a great day!
.
Getting the trash out, this time, meant a complete sorting of the refrigerator and a some policing of the place. Nothing like heavy duty work, enough to bump my pulse though. I have two of the new litter boxes set up, with covers. After washing one of the old ones, I will be setting up a third box. With three litter boxes and charcoal filter lids, I am hoping to keep the odor much more tame and contained, same with their waste. Their aim is worse then mine. Even when I "mine" the worst of Sassy's leavings, it doesn't take the odor. Maybe this will help. She has been improving but... just trust me. Even twice a week of those stink bombs and you WILL figure out an alternative. Sam isn't going to like having even a swinging door on the boxes. I will find out when I get back from my appointment whether she could get over her aversion to the doors on the litter boxes.
While I was outside messing with the trash, I noticed my level concrete "porch" had accumulated a layer of last year's leaves. I could have sworn I cleaned it off last year, no... I know I did. Perhaps things from the roof through snow melt catchings? I don't know. But I did sweep that area clean again and I have my outside rug hanging over the fence to sort of... air clean, or something. Yes, I might be ready to work again. I would like to do dishes but, for now, not going to happen. I will collect recyclables next though, and take those out while resetting the container with a new bag.
No food until after 14:00, for blood tests. Fie, I won't. They asked me if I can do it, and actually I can easily But I really want to munch. I saw that I still have most of a chunk of edam cheese left. And some really tasty Italian snazzy style cold cuts, yet to be opened. And, other things. It is surprising, after dumping the bad, what good there is in a fridge sometimes. Mine, at times, has some of the most exotic items. Being on a budget, nothing too high end. But then, edam is $20 a pound, so it sort of depends on volume for some things, too. Hungry, darn it! Water or black coffee they say. I need to see if they want me to take my medicine, to include the potassium, regarding the blood tests. They have never quite given me a straight answer on that. I will probably have to ask the nurse herself. And she will probably want to ask the doctor. But, that is the way things work, so... Hmm, might leave a message before she arrives. Then call her around 9:00, sort of lube and push? Yeah...
Off to do something stupid but not very dangerous, I hope. Have a great day!
True Grit.
.
.
At least the original version, with John Wayne, has been on quite a bit lately. And I have been watching it. Sometimes whole, sometimes just bits of it. I'm not really a movie fan-boy. Even the movies I like I misquote the lines all the time, and rarely know the actors or actresses. They aren't all that important. As I was watching it this last time I realized why I like it so much. The movie, in an exaggerated way, discusses my relationship with women. Not all women are always that fussy and I'm not always that "mean" (if you consider the main character mean). But it gets the point across. Heck, I even get a bit of a kick out of women when they are that way, when it entertains me (usually at some other guy's expense). Just... saying.
Feeling good tonight. Really good. If it weren't dark I would be out mowing. Like that first time I was feeling good, and it was night, I am right back there. Hopefully that means I can continue with my projects and chores. I am hoping to mow when I get back tomorrow evening. I can't guarantee it because I doubt if I will sleep tonight which would make it an extremely long haul. Then again, if I get back by 17:00, if a nap is needed and I can do a two hour deal, I might still get to some mowing. Who knows.
Down time was needed, it seems. Maybe even going off the medication farm then coming back on kick started something. Medicine, health, and life are just weird birds, we just don't really know these things. But now it is time to get to work. After mowing, I really hope to get the coop roof on. Oh, I know, I've been saying that was just to keep the building in order but you damned rightly ought to have known that meant I want to get chickens. Just a few, probably just for either meat or eggs (whichever is easiest to start). I just didn't want to out and out say it as I will never quite be sure I am ready for such an undertaking. If I do get the coop roof up, I will then be considering chickens as soon as August. Possibly sooner, but I will want water and feeding arranged before I even get the dratted fowl. Something, should I fail, will sustain them for a few days, reliably. I will also want to clear the area of some debris, get rid of the old roofing, and create a decent sized run and maybe a side area for a layer. Lots to figure out before I make purchase of that first bird. It starts with a new roof.
Darn but it feels to good to... well... feel good! I want to dance. Well, not alone. Bah, it means I'll have to go find my own Mattie Ross. Hey, even if she starts out an Angelina Jolie... trust me... I'll turn her into a Mattie before you know it. I take Shakespeare and turn it on it's ear. That's probably why when I'm near the artsie, fartsie, and Hollywood types I hear... "Philistine!"... Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, pilgrim. Har!
.
At least the original version, with John Wayne, has been on quite a bit lately. And I have been watching it. Sometimes whole, sometimes just bits of it. I'm not really a movie fan-boy. Even the movies I like I misquote the lines all the time, and rarely know the actors or actresses. They aren't all that important. As I was watching it this last time I realized why I like it so much. The movie, in an exaggerated way, discusses my relationship with women. Not all women are always that fussy and I'm not always that "mean" (if you consider the main character mean). But it gets the point across. Heck, I even get a bit of a kick out of women when they are that way, when it entertains me (usually at some other guy's expense). Just... saying.
Feeling good tonight. Really good. If it weren't dark I would be out mowing. Like that first time I was feeling good, and it was night, I am right back there. Hopefully that means I can continue with my projects and chores. I am hoping to mow when I get back tomorrow evening. I can't guarantee it because I doubt if I will sleep tonight which would make it an extremely long haul. Then again, if I get back by 17:00, if a nap is needed and I can do a two hour deal, I might still get to some mowing. Who knows.
Down time was needed, it seems. Maybe even going off the medication farm then coming back on kick started something. Medicine, health, and life are just weird birds, we just don't really know these things. But now it is time to get to work. After mowing, I really hope to get the coop roof on. Oh, I know, I've been saying that was just to keep the building in order but you damned rightly ought to have known that meant I want to get chickens. Just a few, probably just for either meat or eggs (whichever is easiest to start). I just didn't want to out and out say it as I will never quite be sure I am ready for such an undertaking. If I do get the coop roof up, I will then be considering chickens as soon as August. Possibly sooner, but I will want water and feeding arranged before I even get the dratted fowl. Something, should I fail, will sustain them for a few days, reliably. I will also want to clear the area of some debris, get rid of the old roofing, and create a decent sized run and maybe a side area for a layer. Lots to figure out before I make purchase of that first bird. It starts with a new roof.
Darn but it feels to good to... well... feel good! I want to dance. Well, not alone. Bah, it means I'll have to go find my own Mattie Ross. Hey, even if she starts out an Angelina Jolie... trust me... I'll turn her into a Mattie before you know it. I take Shakespeare and turn it on it's ear. That's probably why when I'm near the artsie, fartsie, and Hollywood types I hear... "Philistine!"... Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, pilgrim. Har!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Just a thought.
.
.
You know, as much as the Church and some wiser men among the majority of men have decided to back away from pornography, I have to think there are other issues which are at least as much of a problem. To be honest, sports worship, seemingly world-wide, is as offensive. The money spent, the time lost just watching other people play, the false worship. Yeah, I think sports is every bit as bad as porn, perhaps worse. The only reason porn is being hit is because real women feel they are losing to it. Getting less of what many of them say they don't want anyway, having their husbands out of their hair (hmm, might be a pun in there somewhere), and placating their men so they just... deal with the wives as they would domestic servants. Sports doesn't do (too much of) that. Look at the monsters sports has created, the damaged people who try for it it produces. I suppose it is entertainment, but... really? It's lazy entertainment at best.
Well, thought I would kick my fellows in the teeth this time. If you love your sports, watch em' all all the time, and don't mind dumping money you don't really have on things to watch better, trips to see more closely, and all of the gear, kit, and such... You are a sucker. I think it has been satisfactorily realized that P.T. Barnum never suggested that there is a sucker born every minute. And whoever did pen that was wrong. Hell, you are coming out like mini-gun bullets in a gallery of mini-guns!
Meh. I'm off to feed my face. Later or good night.
.
You know, as much as the Church and some wiser men among the majority of men have decided to back away from pornography, I have to think there are other issues which are at least as much of a problem. To be honest, sports worship, seemingly world-wide, is as offensive. The money spent, the time lost just watching other people play, the false worship. Yeah, I think sports is every bit as bad as porn, perhaps worse. The only reason porn is being hit is because real women feel they are losing to it. Getting less of what many of them say they don't want anyway, having their husbands out of their hair (hmm, might be a pun in there somewhere), and placating their men so they just... deal with the wives as they would domestic servants. Sports doesn't do (too much of) that. Look at the monsters sports has created, the damaged people who try for it it produces. I suppose it is entertainment, but... really? It's lazy entertainment at best.
Well, thought I would kick my fellows in the teeth this time. If you love your sports, watch em' all all the time, and don't mind dumping money you don't really have on things to watch better, trips to see more closely, and all of the gear, kit, and such... You are a sucker. I think it has been satisfactorily realized that P.T. Barnum never suggested that there is a sucker born every minute. And whoever did pen that was wrong. Hell, you are coming out like mini-gun bullets in a gallery of mini-guns!
Meh. I'm off to feed my face. Later or good night.
Another nap.
.
.
Usually a nap helps. Today I woke up worse than when I went in. No funny stuff either. I would like to get back to once every month or three on that accord. No, just tired and grumpy upon waking up. Ah well, I probably needed the extra sleep. If I can't get to sleep early I may not get to sleep at all if I am to make it to my appointment tomorrow.
I did a bit of looking online. It seems putting bikes together isn't as bad as it once was. Bikes come much more together than they used to arrive, or at least that is how I remember it. Fiddling with the breaks isn't all that bad either. So I ordered the bike after looking at it for months now. I also bought lights, a mud flap, a carrying rack with bungee cords, a saddle container, pump, tools, repair kit, and some other things, even a bell. I have Goop, or whatever it is called and will use that too. I couldn't find an inner tube for that size, but will get one just to have a spare, when I can find one. All the bells and whistles, save a seat. I was thinking I might want a comfortable seat but didn't like what I saw there in Wal-Mart's online section (though have seen others I like in the store itself from time to time). I looked other places online at seats, they start at four times what I can find the one I am thinking of at Wal-Mart (in-store). I just hate that crotch doohickey, that sticks right into my junk. Never did like that thing. I told my friend bike makers must be sadists, which makes most bike riders masochists! I saw a seat that is more like a stool, no doohickey out there. It might be a girls type seat, but I'll take it if I should find memory matches reality after a week or two of riding as is. As well, my friend has one, so it couldn't be too femme. When he isn't playing the role of John Wayne, I am... so... there is that.
I'm hungry. A trip to town? Maybe. Just something warm fresh and without dishes piling up, for a change. Yeah, might pick up a couple of weekly pill sorters too. Later.
.
Usually a nap helps. Today I woke up worse than when I went in. No funny stuff either. I would like to get back to once every month or three on that accord. No, just tired and grumpy upon waking up. Ah well, I probably needed the extra sleep. If I can't get to sleep early I may not get to sleep at all if I am to make it to my appointment tomorrow.
I did a bit of looking online. It seems putting bikes together isn't as bad as it once was. Bikes come much more together than they used to arrive, or at least that is how I remember it. Fiddling with the breaks isn't all that bad either. So I ordered the bike after looking at it for months now. I also bought lights, a mud flap, a carrying rack with bungee cords, a saddle container, pump, tools, repair kit, and some other things, even a bell. I have Goop, or whatever it is called and will use that too. I couldn't find an inner tube for that size, but will get one just to have a spare, when I can find one. All the bells and whistles, save a seat. I was thinking I might want a comfortable seat but didn't like what I saw there in Wal-Mart's online section (though have seen others I like in the store itself from time to time). I looked other places online at seats, they start at four times what I can find the one I am thinking of at Wal-Mart (in-store). I just hate that crotch doohickey, that sticks right into my junk. Never did like that thing. I told my friend bike makers must be sadists, which makes most bike riders masochists! I saw a seat that is more like a stool, no doohickey out there. It might be a girls type seat, but I'll take it if I should find memory matches reality after a week or two of riding as is. As well, my friend has one, so it couldn't be too femme. When he isn't playing the role of John Wayne, I am... so... there is that.
I'm hungry. A trip to town? Maybe. Just something warm fresh and without dishes piling up, for a change. Yeah, might pick up a couple of weekly pill sorters too. Later.
Hmm, I didn't die!
.
.
I was actually starting to think I might not wake up this morning, or again. That was some weird doings yesterday. It sure looked like symptoms for a possible heart attack. I hadn't mentioned the occasional cold sweats along with the other stuff. And possibly I did have some. Hard to tell. For as sick as I am, people who meet me are rather surprised. I just don't seem sick I guess. I think doctors have a problem with that too? All symptoms are gone this morning.
If I am having some off days, one thing that has changed is celibacy is much more difficult to maintain. I was doing good, mostly, but when I started to feel a bit more chipper, than a lot better, and even as that has faded a bit, keeping a lid on things has been a severe test. One of the docs suggested that a man in just my condition killed himself trying to satisfy his woman. I didn't, but I should have told him that man was not in my condition. Unless he went for two hour back to back marathon rodeos. When I sin, it takes me a half an hour to an hour and a half and not back to back but initially I was doing that a time or three a day until I could rein it in. Now every other day... I... mess up, that using all the restraint I can summon. I've got some libido, even a good woman couldn't keep up enough to kill me. Doctors might know illness but they sure don't know one man from his junior counterparts. Just... saying.
A bit more of a relaxed day today. I haven't been able to budge on when I get to bed, but I was able to get up a bit earlier today. I still struggle with sleep a bit, but it is more manageable in that I can work around it by staying up longer if need be. Tomorrow I will probably be heading in early. I'm taking my pal along. Sometimes he likes to shop the reloading stores. He has a couple of things in mind, as do I. I'm sort of broke though, but there is always window shopping, books, or such.
On to goofing. I would like to get back onto dishes before they pile on back to where they were when I started. I never did quite get them done, just ran out of steam. Have a great day.
.
I was actually starting to think I might not wake up this morning, or again. That was some weird doings yesterday. It sure looked like symptoms for a possible heart attack. I hadn't mentioned the occasional cold sweats along with the other stuff. And possibly I did have some. Hard to tell. For as sick as I am, people who meet me are rather surprised. I just don't seem sick I guess. I think doctors have a problem with that too? All symptoms are gone this morning.
If I am having some off days, one thing that has changed is celibacy is much more difficult to maintain. I was doing good, mostly, but when I started to feel a bit more chipper, than a lot better, and even as that has faded a bit, keeping a lid on things has been a severe test. One of the docs suggested that a man in just my condition killed himself trying to satisfy his woman. I didn't, but I should have told him that man was not in my condition. Unless he went for two hour back to back marathon rodeos. When I sin, it takes me a half an hour to an hour and a half and not back to back but initially I was doing that a time or three a day until I could rein it in. Now every other day... I... mess up, that using all the restraint I can summon. I've got some libido, even a good woman couldn't keep up enough to kill me. Doctors might know illness but they sure don't know one man from his junior counterparts. Just... saying.
A bit more of a relaxed day today. I haven't been able to budge on when I get to bed, but I was able to get up a bit earlier today. I still struggle with sleep a bit, but it is more manageable in that I can work around it by staying up longer if need be. Tomorrow I will probably be heading in early. I'm taking my pal along. Sometimes he likes to shop the reloading stores. He has a couple of things in mind, as do I. I'm sort of broke though, but there is always window shopping, books, or such.
On to goofing. I would like to get back onto dishes before they pile on back to where they were when I started. I never did quite get them done, just ran out of steam. Have a great day.
It's a good thing I didn't mow.
.
.
I thought I might be able to squeeze a little work out of myself I just didn't think it... was wise. That was probably a good decision. No pain, in the chest, but the thumping is still mildly there. But that isn't the real problem. I feel like I am being squeezed, but that isn't quite it either. Perhaps just the opposite? I've never quite felt like this. I checked my blood pressure and pulse, all good. Even my vision is a little wonky. Thinking isn't extremely clear, actually just the opposite. If I didn't have an appointment Monday, I would be considering the ER. Something is just very wrong. I have to make sure they check my potassium level. I have been taking 20 mEq for nearly a month. Even being on two diuretics, that could be the problem. Too much potassium is very bad. Actually, I think I am going to look up symptoms of too much potassium and then crash.
This reminds me of after having run a 440 in high school. Only it is getting worse. Too much worse and I will call a nurse and see what she thinks. Maybe extra sleep will help. I might check a few other things as well, before sleeping. Oh well, just the way of sickness I suppose. On a side note, it is kind of interesting... I've never quite experienced this before. Good night.
.
I thought I might be able to squeeze a little work out of myself I just didn't think it... was wise. That was probably a good decision. No pain, in the chest, but the thumping is still mildly there. But that isn't the real problem. I feel like I am being squeezed, but that isn't quite it either. Perhaps just the opposite? I've never quite felt like this. I checked my blood pressure and pulse, all good. Even my vision is a little wonky. Thinking isn't extremely clear, actually just the opposite. If I didn't have an appointment Monday, I would be considering the ER. Something is just very wrong. I have to make sure they check my potassium level. I have been taking 20 mEq for nearly a month. Even being on two diuretics, that could be the problem. Too much potassium is very bad. Actually, I think I am going to look up symptoms of too much potassium and then crash.
This reminds me of after having run a 440 in high school. Only it is getting worse. Too much worse and I will call a nurse and see what she thinks. Maybe extra sleep will help. I might check a few other things as well, before sleeping. Oh well, just the way of sickness I suppose. On a side note, it is kind of interesting... I've never quite experienced this before. Good night.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
No mowing.
.
.
My heart is still thumping heavily. It has relaxed after the first dose of medicine, hopefully the second dose will help more. My heart feels rather heavy, every few beats was rather heavy. It still thumps pretty good. It also feels restricted, or something. I'm simply not going to tinker by pushing physically. Yeah, and I am having difficulty focusing. I will be in to see the doctors a couple of times thins week. I think it might be best to write out a couple of questions I have before going in.
I did find the bike I want to order. I have it in the order basket. I am not sure if I want them to put it together or whether it is something I could reasonably assemble. While I haven't put a bike together in years, my notion is that I would rather do it if I can do it correctly. But if it is anything like pulling an engine, I would rather have people with the tools and knowledge do it. I'm not sure if any special tools, even a torque wrench, might be necessary? How exacting are things, would I have to tinker with gears for hours, the break lines, etc? This is the bike I am going to buy. I wouldn't mind picking up a torque wrench, or a few other tools, so long as they are not over a hundred or two. Tools equal good, to any man and probably more so to a prepper. Then again, I don't want to spend on what I don't immediately need either.
I think washing Sam was the best thing I could have done for her. That stuff was put on too heavily, was smearing, she got into it as well. Between the other shots and trying to lick that stuff off, she was becoming quite ill. It might take her a bit to regain full health but she is doing better today. Sassy, for whatever reason, was being an absolute fruit-bat lately. I think the last time she was out a tom messed her up. I became a tom, rather than just plain old papa, in her head. She was almost dangerous to be around. A week of that and she is finally becoming social again. A little patience with cats and life gets better.
Hmm, reheated roast beef, I do believe. Dinner sounds good. Maybe a baked potato as well. I have been snacking, for most of my meals. Salami, genoa salami, sliced ham, and various cheeses and different crackers are my mainstay. I need to finish with the kitchen so I can bring in and prepare fresh fruits, even raw vegetables can be tasty and different. Oh, carrots and celery with peanut butter has been rather tasty too. I need to figure out some other foods. Chicken is great, grilled and stored. But I tear into that. Then again, on some days, I can't seem to eat enough. I need to figure other tasty small serving foods. I did buy some ham to put with beans, and chicken gizzards to fry. Yeah, I'll have to get on that kitchen.
Anywho, that is the way of this day. I have to try and figure out how to sleep earlier. I think I've been stretching my wake time a bit, which isn't helping in any way. I am doing better, but my improved condition is so very thin. One or two mistakes and I find myself in trouble fast. This might end up just being a phase, a temporary step back. One can hope.
I did call my mother. She is doing well, she has company for the summer. All good, I think. I teased that she has a slave again! She can be a bit of a demanding woman. She is a hard worker though, and if you are near her and not busy, she will give you marching orders. Then again, she will pay for it by keeping you well fed one way or another. But work is definitely on her schedule! She sort of sounded hurt when I teased her about the slave thing. I cajoled her away from hurt feelings and got her to chuckle a bit though too. Ah well.
Later or good night.
.
My heart is still thumping heavily. It has relaxed after the first dose of medicine, hopefully the second dose will help more. My heart feels rather heavy, every few beats was rather heavy. It still thumps pretty good. It also feels restricted, or something. I'm simply not going to tinker by pushing physically. Yeah, and I am having difficulty focusing. I will be in to see the doctors a couple of times thins week. I think it might be best to write out a couple of questions I have before going in.
I did find the bike I want to order. I have it in the order basket. I am not sure if I want them to put it together or whether it is something I could reasonably assemble. While I haven't put a bike together in years, my notion is that I would rather do it if I can do it correctly. But if it is anything like pulling an engine, I would rather have people with the tools and knowledge do it. I'm not sure if any special tools, even a torque wrench, might be necessary? How exacting are things, would I have to tinker with gears for hours, the break lines, etc? This is the bike I am going to buy. I wouldn't mind picking up a torque wrench, or a few other tools, so long as they are not over a hundred or two. Tools equal good, to any man and probably more so to a prepper. Then again, I don't want to spend on what I don't immediately need either.
I think washing Sam was the best thing I could have done for her. That stuff was put on too heavily, was smearing, she got into it as well. Between the other shots and trying to lick that stuff off, she was becoming quite ill. It might take her a bit to regain full health but she is doing better today. Sassy, for whatever reason, was being an absolute fruit-bat lately. I think the last time she was out a tom messed her up. I became a tom, rather than just plain old papa, in her head. She was almost dangerous to be around. A week of that and she is finally becoming social again. A little patience with cats and life gets better.
Hmm, reheated roast beef, I do believe. Dinner sounds good. Maybe a baked potato as well. I have been snacking, for most of my meals. Salami, genoa salami, sliced ham, and various cheeses and different crackers are my mainstay. I need to finish with the kitchen so I can bring in and prepare fresh fruits, even raw vegetables can be tasty and different. Oh, carrots and celery with peanut butter has been rather tasty too. I need to figure out some other foods. Chicken is great, grilled and stored. But I tear into that. Then again, on some days, I can't seem to eat enough. I need to figure other tasty small serving foods. I did buy some ham to put with beans, and chicken gizzards to fry. Yeah, I'll have to get on that kitchen.
Anywho, that is the way of this day. I have to try and figure out how to sleep earlier. I think I've been stretching my wake time a bit, which isn't helping in any way. I am doing better, but my improved condition is so very thin. One or two mistakes and I find myself in trouble fast. This might end up just being a phase, a temporary step back. One can hope.
I did call my mother. She is doing well, she has company for the summer. All good, I think. I teased that she has a slave again! She can be a bit of a demanding woman. She is a hard worker though, and if you are near her and not busy, she will give you marching orders. Then again, she will pay for it by keeping you well fed one way or another. But work is definitely on her schedule! She sort of sounded hurt when I teased her about the slave thing. I cajoled her away from hurt feelings and got her to chuckle a bit though too. Ah well.
Later or good night.
Woops! Son of a...
.
.
Gun. I was doing things so automatically that I got a little cocky, as a Chinese fowl vender might say. I think I missed my medicines yesterday. I don't think it will kill me, but I was feeling pretty funky today. I haven't missed taking my medicine more than, perhaps, three times in the last month (is it?), and never twice in a row. I'll have to wrangle up a pill keeper. Beside hating medicine, I am notoriously unstable. While these medicines along with vitamins have improved function I suppose old habits die hard. Well, that is one of the reasons I hate medicine... one way or another, you seem to get addicted. Something I will keep in mind is, I will only be taking this stuff for two or three years. If I can't rise to function within that time, I realize that I am artificially being kept alive. And I will cease the medicine. That is my rule, it was my plan even when they had me on Ritalin. We will see though, if I can or will keep to it. I don't necessarily have to quit cold turkey, but I do have to begin paring it down.
Funky, as I use it, is another word for dizzy, palpitations, and a general sensation of illness. I didn't wake up at 8:00 as hoped, or 10:00. I didn't get to sleep until 6:00 or later. Still, if taking my medicine helps with the funky feeling within a few hours, I might still have the late afternoon for mowing. We will see. Holy flying weasels, Batman. That was close! Or... something. Later.
.
Gun. I was doing things so automatically that I got a little cocky, as a Chinese fowl vender might say. I think I missed my medicines yesterday. I don't think it will kill me, but I was feeling pretty funky today. I haven't missed taking my medicine more than, perhaps, three times in the last month (is it?), and never twice in a row. I'll have to wrangle up a pill keeper. Beside hating medicine, I am notoriously unstable. While these medicines along with vitamins have improved function I suppose old habits die hard. Well, that is one of the reasons I hate medicine... one way or another, you seem to get addicted. Something I will keep in mind is, I will only be taking this stuff for two or three years. If I can't rise to function within that time, I realize that I am artificially being kept alive. And I will cease the medicine. That is my rule, it was my plan even when they had me on Ritalin. We will see though, if I can or will keep to it. I don't necessarily have to quit cold turkey, but I do have to begin paring it down.
Funky, as I use it, is another word for dizzy, palpitations, and a general sensation of illness. I didn't wake up at 8:00 as hoped, or 10:00. I didn't get to sleep until 6:00 or later. Still, if taking my medicine helps with the funky feeling within a few hours, I might still have the late afternoon for mowing. We will see. Holy flying weasels, Batman. That was close! Or... something. Later.
I have been told, recently, that I just don't get it.
.
.
This in regards to something about someone playing the system pretty much just for their own gain. I can't remember the specific details, but the notion works with anything from an author lying and imposing false conclusions on data to sell a book, athletes who take unnecessary medication to improve their abilities, or actresses putting out, going through surgery, and such to "make it". I actually think the guy who said it believes I am naive. I don't think he had a clue that I actually do know. I also know that short cuts aren't worth it, not even for the individual involved. Is making $10,000,000 a year for five or ten years worth disabling yourself for life? Really? Especially considering that when you cut every corner to get there, assuming you make it, you have deprived yourself of the capacity to hold onto that money. You won't be able to deal with going from that income to... whatever you can make with what is left of your body and an atrophied brain, on top of other results from chemical boosters.
After talking to him a while, I think he actually realized that my dogma isn't just based on what "someone said", or even just on doing the "right thing" for it's own purposes. While those things exist, they aren't the sum total. And yet, despite seeing wisdom, I think this guy would have sold his body, his wife, maybe his kids (if he had any), and cheaply. No, he is in it for himself and will take the quickest easiest buck he can. While I treat him genially I have no allusions. If he knew I had a million dollars in my basement he would try and take it, if he thought he could, even if it meant killing me.
I am cynical, I really am. Despite that I actually don't believe most people are like him. While they aren't quite as adamant as I like to think I am, they really wouldn't kill to get ahead monetarily or really for most any reason. There are guys like that man, and much worse. There are also people who make me look like a mad-dog killer, who might literally simply surrender their life to threat. I am sure that many would do no such thing merely out of fear, pick what they might fear. They want to do what they want but aren't brave enough. Others are simply herd animals and won't go against it. Others simply don't have it in them, thought or action. And a small crowd have seen the options and have chosen, beyond the dogma they were taught, beyond their comfort, through suffering, and tested. I'm not absolutely sure where I fit. And, it changes over time, how you fit, what you can handle. It's a test every time, isn't it really?
Do I get it, though? Do I really understand? Or is he the one, as he thinks, who has it pegged? I could easily dismiss it by saying it depends on if there is God, and if so, how God interacts with us. But I don't believe that to be the case at all. I merely think God has been trying to tell us and we have busily, often times, been trying to ignore Him to do it wrong for wrongness' sake quite often. While that does affect the potential realities after death, it really has few strings here in the spiritual way. I actually believe doing the right thing is a fundamentally easier, cleaner, healthier, more satisfying way to live. Actually, because of my illness to a degree, I sense that I am 'not fit'. There are other reasons, but that is something that bugs me.
As for the man, I think he knows it too. In some ways, I think he hates me for my ways. I can only think he tries to maintain his ways out of pride, or something. He won't bow to God, he doesn't care for rules, it is about him. He is angry at God too, for not 'making him rich', 'famous', or 'powerful'. Actually, I think he is angry at everyone. We all owe him, in his mind, somehow. No amount of talking will really bring him out of that. It just amazes me. Yeah, no. When you got your first breath of life, you already got more than you deserve and these days you ought to feel lucky for it. For the first eighteen to twenty-something years, in a typical family, you are very much undeservedly clothed, fed, sheltered, and taught. A couple of suckers bothered to offer you a little of themselves and then afford you time here, in some measure of well being. What we deserve goes downhill as our age increases, like inverse graphs, on top of that. Owe? Deserve?
Just a bug I needed to... iron out. I'm not sure that is it, but... it'll get the thing out of my head and maybe I can sleep. I don't mind going to bed a bit later, I won't be mowing right at 8:00 or anything. I am hoping to get up about then, shower and be ready, then start at 10:00. People work around here, I don't want to bug them too early on a Saturday. Unless I hear other mowers going, then all bets are off... If I am awake. Good night.
.
This in regards to something about someone playing the system pretty much just for their own gain. I can't remember the specific details, but the notion works with anything from an author lying and imposing false conclusions on data to sell a book, athletes who take unnecessary medication to improve their abilities, or actresses putting out, going through surgery, and such to "make it". I actually think the guy who said it believes I am naive. I don't think he had a clue that I actually do know. I also know that short cuts aren't worth it, not even for the individual involved. Is making $10,000,000 a year for five or ten years worth disabling yourself for life? Really? Especially considering that when you cut every corner to get there, assuming you make it, you have deprived yourself of the capacity to hold onto that money. You won't be able to deal with going from that income to... whatever you can make with what is left of your body and an atrophied brain, on top of other results from chemical boosters.
After talking to him a while, I think he actually realized that my dogma isn't just based on what "someone said", or even just on doing the "right thing" for it's own purposes. While those things exist, they aren't the sum total. And yet, despite seeing wisdom, I think this guy would have sold his body, his wife, maybe his kids (if he had any), and cheaply. No, he is in it for himself and will take the quickest easiest buck he can. While I treat him genially I have no allusions. If he knew I had a million dollars in my basement he would try and take it, if he thought he could, even if it meant killing me.
I am cynical, I really am. Despite that I actually don't believe most people are like him. While they aren't quite as adamant as I like to think I am, they really wouldn't kill to get ahead monetarily or really for most any reason. There are guys like that man, and much worse. There are also people who make me look like a mad-dog killer, who might literally simply surrender their life to threat. I am sure that many would do no such thing merely out of fear, pick what they might fear. They want to do what they want but aren't brave enough. Others are simply herd animals and won't go against it. Others simply don't have it in them, thought or action. And a small crowd have seen the options and have chosen, beyond the dogma they were taught, beyond their comfort, through suffering, and tested. I'm not absolutely sure where I fit. And, it changes over time, how you fit, what you can handle. It's a test every time, isn't it really?
Do I get it, though? Do I really understand? Or is he the one, as he thinks, who has it pegged? I could easily dismiss it by saying it depends on if there is God, and if so, how God interacts with us. But I don't believe that to be the case at all. I merely think God has been trying to tell us and we have busily, often times, been trying to ignore Him to do it wrong for wrongness' sake quite often. While that does affect the potential realities after death, it really has few strings here in the spiritual way. I actually believe doing the right thing is a fundamentally easier, cleaner, healthier, more satisfying way to live. Actually, because of my illness to a degree, I sense that I am 'not fit'. There are other reasons, but that is something that bugs me.
As for the man, I think he knows it too. In some ways, I think he hates me for my ways. I can only think he tries to maintain his ways out of pride, or something. He won't bow to God, he doesn't care for rules, it is about him. He is angry at God too, for not 'making him rich', 'famous', or 'powerful'. Actually, I think he is angry at everyone. We all owe him, in his mind, somehow. No amount of talking will really bring him out of that. It just amazes me. Yeah, no. When you got your first breath of life, you already got more than you deserve and these days you ought to feel lucky for it. For the first eighteen to twenty-something years, in a typical family, you are very much undeservedly clothed, fed, sheltered, and taught. A couple of suckers bothered to offer you a little of themselves and then afford you time here, in some measure of well being. What we deserve goes downhill as our age increases, like inverse graphs, on top of that. Owe? Deserve?
Just a bug I needed to... iron out. I'm not sure that is it, but... it'll get the thing out of my head and maybe I can sleep. I don't mind going to bed a bit later, I won't be mowing right at 8:00 or anything. I am hoping to get up about then, shower and be ready, then start at 10:00. People work around here, I don't want to bug them too early on a Saturday. Unless I hear other mowers going, then all bets are off... If I am awake. Good night.
Friday, June 24, 2011
It's been a good day.
.
.
I got to sleep until I was rested. I didn't get much done, but I did get into town. My friend wanted to go to the store, so I brought a bit of food with, ate, then we headed out. His normal foot size is a 9 to a 9 1/2. The foot that has been 'trimmed' didn't seem to fit. No wonder it hurt. Trying sizes from 10, 10 1/2, and finally 11, it was only that last that fit with any comfort. He went ahead and got that. I was going to buy him a matching pair for his normal size, as I knew he would not, but they didn't have it in that size. I will be checking the next few times we are out and about and happen to find ourselves in Wal-Mart.
I grabbed what I needed. Shampoo and extra litter boxes, some cat food, and a pair of cheap shoes for the house. I have mules but I just don't like them. This pair I bought are rubber "clogs" or something. I also picked up a few socks just for these and some extra cotton boxer briefs. I need to go through my underwear as, unlike my socks, underwear... don't age at all well. And, as I am losing weight, some of them are starting to need safety pins or something.
I am starting to live a bit hand to mouth. And, I don't mind for now. After I get up to speed on things I want to do, I can begin conserving a bit. Maybe by fall I can start saving up for bigger purchases and future home upgrades. Summer is not the time to be holding back, not when I need some things to get out and to get going. I don't want to cripple my efforts in trying to spare a nickle. Not while the going is good.
Mowing. Tomorrow. In the morning if I can. I have some leftover roast, cheeses, other cold cuts, plenty of Gatorade, milk, and a will to get back into it. Perhaps this time I will be able to push three weeks or a month before I need to rest a week or two again. I have done well, I am pleased, but laurels are not for sitting upon. Hey! I'm not that kinda guy in any event.
Good night. Sleep well. Hurry up, go, go, go! Well, in the morning, afternoon, or early evening... or maybe even not until Monday but you know what I mean.
.
I got to sleep until I was rested. I didn't get much done, but I did get into town. My friend wanted to go to the store, so I brought a bit of food with, ate, then we headed out. His normal foot size is a 9 to a 9 1/2. The foot that has been 'trimmed' didn't seem to fit. No wonder it hurt. Trying sizes from 10, 10 1/2, and finally 11, it was only that last that fit with any comfort. He went ahead and got that. I was going to buy him a matching pair for his normal size, as I knew he would not, but they didn't have it in that size. I will be checking the next few times we are out and about and happen to find ourselves in Wal-Mart.
I grabbed what I needed. Shampoo and extra litter boxes, some cat food, and a pair of cheap shoes for the house. I have mules but I just don't like them. This pair I bought are rubber "clogs" or something. I also picked up a few socks just for these and some extra cotton boxer briefs. I need to go through my underwear as, unlike my socks, underwear... don't age at all well. And, as I am losing weight, some of them are starting to need safety pins or something.
I am starting to live a bit hand to mouth. And, I don't mind for now. After I get up to speed on things I want to do, I can begin conserving a bit. Maybe by fall I can start saving up for bigger purchases and future home upgrades. Summer is not the time to be holding back, not when I need some things to get out and to get going. I don't want to cripple my efforts in trying to spare a nickle. Not while the going is good.
Mowing. Tomorrow. In the morning if I can. I have some leftover roast, cheeses, other cold cuts, plenty of Gatorade, milk, and a will to get back into it. Perhaps this time I will be able to push three weeks or a month before I need to rest a week or two again. I have done well, I am pleased, but laurels are not for sitting upon. Hey! I'm not that kinda guy in any event.
Good night. Sleep well. Hurry up, go, go, go! Well, in the morning, afternoon, or early evening... or maybe even not until Monday but you know what I mean.
THE Cure.
.
.
Is there such a thing? For almost anything? I don't know, for certain. Death, of course, cures what ails you. Or, like many medications, treatments, and such, does it really cure or just shut you up about it. Yes, a little tongue in cheek helps and is healthy too. I can't really say if man or body can cure, but I have seen some various illness and some strange results.
Since about 2005, give or take a year or three, I have been diagnosed with diabetes. Initially my blood sugar was seen to be about 250 to 350 (healthy is below 100). Initially they dosed me with metformin, since I wasn't sure I could do the shots. Then, after that proved unsuccessful at even denting the numbers, I went ahead and tried the shots. That worked, got me down, then I... just lost track. The rest of my health was not so good. I got it to about 120 to 220 by cutting regular soda and sort of watching what I ate (no pure sugars, at that phase). I stopped taking medicine but stopped using sugar and sort of drifted for a number of years. Then I decided to quit chewing. While successful (until I was around my mother, a chain smoker, which undid everything being only 3 months after quitting), I started using hard candies. Just regular ones. My blood sugars shot up to 650 or 700, with an A1C (a three month averaged (I believe) of blood "sugar" (serum?) level) of between 11 and 12 (they like the A1C below 6, where it is considered healthy). Doctors freaked, talked me into going back on the shots (which actually aren't all that bad). After a month of that, my sugars started to drop below 60. I freaked out and just tossed the junk. One too many near death experiences on that stuff. High sugar was, too me, like being drunk. Low was like nearing death.
So, I drifted, for years, on nothing. That last dose of shots got me back into the 120 to 220 range. Not good but better then 650+ and much better than 60 or below, 56 was my record I think. When I moved, the diabetes moved with me. But as I changed my diet to beans, rice, and meat and milk, my diabetes... is gone. The last time I had it checked was the second time into the ER. I had a double quarter large size meal with (regular) Coca~Cola (and a half) before going in as I knew they wouldn't feed me when I got there. My blood sugar was 160. My two latest A1Cs were 5.8 then 5.6 I believe. And, I am off the 'all beans, rice, and meat' diet (though I am eating smaller, more frequent, 'whatever' meals). My last two doctors who discussed it said, regardless of what other doctors have said, they can't diagnose me with diabetes. So... is that a cure?
I have... other things. I actually think that what has caused disability for me for the last two decades is being cured by lowering my blood pressure, easing the pulse and heart, or the mix. Which, shouldn't be the case. Further, technically, I am not on high blood pressure medicine. I would only allow them to give me the lightest of doses of stuff to treat pulmonary edema. Those medicines were merely to get rid of water and relax the heart while also relaxing the veins and arteries (give or take, I am neither a doctor or pharmacist... work with me). Those medicines are used to treat high blood pressure, but only at much higher levels, six times as much and perhaps more. I can't take double the amounts though, they have always tried and it failed.
So, in treating pulmonary edema, they seem to have fixed my problem dating more than two decades AND my high blood pressure dating over a decade? No, I don't think that is the cure, either. But if I can squeeze through, finally get up and off my butt, I think I I I can cure it. That is all I have ever asked, it is why I used to push for Ritalin. I think I can cure these things, given half a chance. I am not sure if everyone can, but I think the goal of medicine isn't to cure, but to allow people enough relief from what ails them that they can get up and get going, if change a few things in their life on the way, and that will fix the problem. Urhm, with the caveat that we are all going to die some day. Oddly, I think Christ meant to show us that too. I think he was the only true doctor. He didn't heal, though He seemed to heal. He was trying to show us how to do it ourselves. Perhaps in an imperfect world not all can do so. I have needed help and I am not out of the woods just yet. But with a little help, I know I can and I think most can.
Which means, to my mind, we need to rethink medicine, the price being paid for it both by government and perhaps individuals (though individuals have to compare cost and need at least). I know I am hard on doctors, and the V.A. Sometimes rightly, sometimes not so much. I am grateful to both, at least they continued to try. I do think they try their best. I also think they honestly, often, don't... can't... know. So they rely on what has worked for most. I am simply not most. And, actually, I don't blame doctors for the problem of rising costs. I blame people who just want a poorly lead life to be fixable by a pill. Sometimes they see me in that area, but they are wrong. I blame people who don't want to suffer a moment in their life and will happily trade slavery to drugs in order to escape. I hate the notion that I have to take a pill. Well, and people like me who don't believe a damn thing out of their lips, sometimes rightly and just as often not. I want some proof and we will do it my way, slow, low, and less.
Anyway, thanks docs. I may still have to use you like a tool, but between us, I think I'll be just... ARRHEGGHEHEHHWA!
.
Is there such a thing? For almost anything? I don't know, for certain. Death, of course, cures what ails you. Or, like many medications, treatments, and such, does it really cure or just shut you up about it. Yes, a little tongue in cheek helps and is healthy too. I can't really say if man or body can cure, but I have seen some various illness and some strange results.
Since about 2005, give or take a year or three, I have been diagnosed with diabetes. Initially my blood sugar was seen to be about 250 to 350 (healthy is below 100). Initially they dosed me with metformin, since I wasn't sure I could do the shots. Then, after that proved unsuccessful at even denting the numbers, I went ahead and tried the shots. That worked, got me down, then I... just lost track. The rest of my health was not so good. I got it to about 120 to 220 by cutting regular soda and sort of watching what I ate (no pure sugars, at that phase). I stopped taking medicine but stopped using sugar and sort of drifted for a number of years. Then I decided to quit chewing. While successful (until I was around my mother, a chain smoker, which undid everything being only 3 months after quitting), I started using hard candies. Just regular ones. My blood sugars shot up to 650 or 700, with an A1C (a three month averaged (I believe) of blood "sugar" (serum?) level) of between 11 and 12 (they like the A1C below 6, where it is considered healthy). Doctors freaked, talked me into going back on the shots (which actually aren't all that bad). After a month of that, my sugars started to drop below 60. I freaked out and just tossed the junk. One too many near death experiences on that stuff. High sugar was, too me, like being drunk. Low was like nearing death.
So, I drifted, for years, on nothing. That last dose of shots got me back into the 120 to 220 range. Not good but better then 650+ and much better than 60 or below, 56 was my record I think. When I moved, the diabetes moved with me. But as I changed my diet to beans, rice, and meat and milk, my diabetes... is gone. The last time I had it checked was the second time into the ER. I had a double quarter large size meal with (regular) Coca~Cola (and a half) before going in as I knew they wouldn't feed me when I got there. My blood sugar was 160. My two latest A1Cs were 5.8 then 5.6 I believe. And, I am off the 'all beans, rice, and meat' diet (though I am eating smaller, more frequent, 'whatever' meals). My last two doctors who discussed it said, regardless of what other doctors have said, they can't diagnose me with diabetes. So... is that a cure?
I have... other things. I actually think that what has caused disability for me for the last two decades is being cured by lowering my blood pressure, easing the pulse and heart, or the mix. Which, shouldn't be the case. Further, technically, I am not on high blood pressure medicine. I would only allow them to give me the lightest of doses of stuff to treat pulmonary edema. Those medicines were merely to get rid of water and relax the heart while also relaxing the veins and arteries (give or take, I am neither a doctor or pharmacist... work with me). Those medicines are used to treat high blood pressure, but only at much higher levels, six times as much and perhaps more. I can't take double the amounts though, they have always tried and it failed.
So, in treating pulmonary edema, they seem to have fixed my problem dating more than two decades AND my high blood pressure dating over a decade? No, I don't think that is the cure, either. But if I can squeeze through, finally get up and off my butt, I think I I I can cure it. That is all I have ever asked, it is why I used to push for Ritalin. I think I can cure these things, given half a chance. I am not sure if everyone can, but I think the goal of medicine isn't to cure, but to allow people enough relief from what ails them that they can get up and get going, if change a few things in their life on the way, and that will fix the problem. Urhm, with the caveat that we are all going to die some day. Oddly, I think Christ meant to show us that too. I think he was the only true doctor. He didn't heal, though He seemed to heal. He was trying to show us how to do it ourselves. Perhaps in an imperfect world not all can do so. I have needed help and I am not out of the woods just yet. But with a little help, I know I can and I think most can.
Which means, to my mind, we need to rethink medicine, the price being paid for it both by government and perhaps individuals (though individuals have to compare cost and need at least). I know I am hard on doctors, and the V.A. Sometimes rightly, sometimes not so much. I am grateful to both, at least they continued to try. I do think they try their best. I also think they honestly, often, don't... can't... know. So they rely on what has worked for most. I am simply not most. And, actually, I don't blame doctors for the problem of rising costs. I blame people who just want a poorly lead life to be fixable by a pill. Sometimes they see me in that area, but they are wrong. I blame people who don't want to suffer a moment in their life and will happily trade slavery to drugs in order to escape. I hate the notion that I have to take a pill. Well, and people like me who don't believe a damn thing out of their lips, sometimes rightly and just as often not. I want some proof and we will do it my way, slow, low, and less.
Anyway, thanks docs. I may still have to use you like a tool, but between us, I think I'll be just... ARRHEGGHEHEHHWA!
I slept until I didn't.
.
.
No choice. I wanted to be up and going earlier but that simply wasn't going to happen. The alarm was nice, it messed up sleep for a bit. I reset the stupid thing only to merely be annoyed again later. Too out of it to pull something of wakefulness out of my heap of freaked by the alarm flesh, I just turned the dratted thing off and went back to bed... or something. Frag if I know. Waking sometime in the afternoon, I do feel rested. Medicines have gone down the tube and I am thinking about the rest of the day.
I told my friend I would be in to see him. And I will. Which means a shower, grooming, and... other things I suppose. Still not actually awake, merely on my way. He stays up late so I don't mind going in mid-afternoon. It should be cooler by then anyway. I had hoped to deposit a check but that will just have to wait until Monday. I have enough cash to grab us a bite and will just be staying home over the weekend.
I am going through money a bit more quickly, being more active. I simply can't worry too much about it. What I am buying are things I need for projects and long term goals, things I had been too nervous to buy when ill. No one likes taking their accounts to nub, but sometimes it's the only way. And besides, I was ending up spending the money anyway. At least now I will have some of the things I want or need to get going on real things.
No mowing today. I had hoped to get up and do that today. Either mornings or late afternoons are going to be the only time to reasonably do that with our weather as it is. Morning is gone and afternoon is taken. I will do that tomorrow. Hopefully in the morning, and then if I can again in the afternoon, but I will take what I can get. I might have to just shove to get on it, and that is fine too. I am ready for more. If I do something today, it will be to get more or the rest of the dishes done when I return. Hmm, it seems something is back. Or maybe it just seems like it. Either way, it's time to push.
Good day! Get some, do some, figure it out, damnit! Don't... just... sit there! Life will not wait for you. Plus, it could be fun or trouble or... a fine combination. Go! Go! Go! (or... well... something like that, ugh?)
.
No choice. I wanted to be up and going earlier but that simply wasn't going to happen. The alarm was nice, it messed up sleep for a bit. I reset the stupid thing only to merely be annoyed again later. Too out of it to pull something of wakefulness out of my heap of freaked by the alarm flesh, I just turned the dratted thing off and went back to bed... or something. Frag if I know. Waking sometime in the afternoon, I do feel rested. Medicines have gone down the tube and I am thinking about the rest of the day.
I told my friend I would be in to see him. And I will. Which means a shower, grooming, and... other things I suppose. Still not actually awake, merely on my way. He stays up late so I don't mind going in mid-afternoon. It should be cooler by then anyway. I had hoped to deposit a check but that will just have to wait until Monday. I have enough cash to grab us a bite and will just be staying home over the weekend.
I am going through money a bit more quickly, being more active. I simply can't worry too much about it. What I am buying are things I need for projects and long term goals, things I had been too nervous to buy when ill. No one likes taking their accounts to nub, but sometimes it's the only way. And besides, I was ending up spending the money anyway. At least now I will have some of the things I want or need to get going on real things.
No mowing today. I had hoped to get up and do that today. Either mornings or late afternoons are going to be the only time to reasonably do that with our weather as it is. Morning is gone and afternoon is taken. I will do that tomorrow. Hopefully in the morning, and then if I can again in the afternoon, but I will take what I can get. I might have to just shove to get on it, and that is fine too. I am ready for more. If I do something today, it will be to get more or the rest of the dishes done when I return. Hmm, it seems something is back. Or maybe it just seems like it. Either way, it's time to push.
Good day! Get some, do some, figure it out, damnit! Don't... just... sit there! Life will not wait for you. Plus, it could be fun or trouble or... a fine combination. Go! Go! Go! (or... well... something like that, ugh?)
Planning regardless.
.
.
In spite of the recent difficulties, I am planning to move forward with hiking, biking, and camping this summer. To that end, I just ordered hiking boots, wicking boxer briefs (I previously ordered a few types to find the size and type I liked), a multi-tool kit, and a few other items. These things will make hiking, camping, and even biking a little easier. Right now, I need easy. With some learning, perhaps I can do with much less.
Thanks to Matt, I have some information I have been thinking about for a while regarding particular pieces for a medical kit, namely blood-clot material and a link to possible full medical kits. After two serious bleeding accidents in a year and my penchant for turning a humble rain into a flood with electrical and chemical dangers somehow, a serious medical kit is on the shorter list (after a bike, rocket stove, and maybe a thing or two I can't recall, so maybe for Christmas?). I have a few small kits, and might be ordering several blood-clot bits next month for necessary fill in my anemic kits.
One thing I have noticed, now that my mind is clearing, regarding prepping is that there is a serious issue. No matter what equipment, knowledge, and expendables one could have on hand, and assuming one could either stash or secure all said items, keeping those items up-to-date and functional up to a global melt-down is a whole other can of worms. Okay, so you have every hand tool for working wood and bending iron into useful function, you have enough food to eat on that alone for five years, you have non-electric equipment to navigate, you have horses for travel, you have equipment for cleaning water, you have well shielded tube short wave transceivers transmitters receivers with backup parts in excess of a lifetime, etc., etc., etc. (Or even some small part of that). How are you possibly going to keep up on all that, make sure it all works all the time especially considering use means possible damage, and keep it all together? Basically, I need to consider what I can really do, what I would like to do, and start finding out what my neighbors are doing in this regard.
We live in such an easy world. It might be failing. It might be crumbling. My guess is that it is. None of us has ever had to live on little food, had to work for our water, had to wash our clothes by hand and wait for them to dry, or even had to worry about getting a vital, let alone trivial, item at a moments notice. This is the first place I have lived that doesn't have air conditioning in... decades? If you have the cash there is almost nothing you can't get. Heck, I can go to Wal-Mart right now and get almost anything to at least tide me over until I could get better if necessary (especially with a little imagination and some degree of mechanical or electrical knowledge). Heck, you can build a bomb for $50 or (far) less! (Not that I recommend that, mind you.)
That will all change if things keep going as they are. When Democrats counter Republicans demands to cut spending in order to raise the debt limit with... demands for more spending... and Republicans are seriously listening... I don't think there is anything but trouble in the future. Well, and that is just one of the problems, one of very many problems. There will be no Wal-Mart. Or, more, all there will be is Wal-Mart. At which time we will be at their mercy.
So planning for a world even I have never seen is... difficult. Part of the reason I am thinking of hiking and camping and such is not just to increase my physical condition, but also to learn how life will be. Even when hiking, I may simply begin taking my water filtration device and an empty canteen or two. I probably will take a bit of food camping, but I would like to practice getting campfires going if that is a bit limited in a mountain desert sometimes. I need to begin practicing with the gear I have. It won't be for fun, for views, for other things. Those will simply be bonuses when they happen and when I can appreciate them. The only way to know what life will be like, what is necessary and what is not, how long I can go on what food and water, and how to make better due without easy access commercialism, is to get in there and live it now, with the safety nets that still exist. That should help me shake out my lists. But... to even get to that point I still have needs/wants on my list! With the boots, however, if they work, I have a very large piece of that list. I have been looking for a pair of leather boots with a real replaceable sole, that looks right. Most hikers are disposable these days.
On top of all that, and while I plan and work to store, gain, learn, I still have to live in the modern world. Having two masters is not difficult, it is actually impossible. I realized this not from looking at the current and future demands but, when frustrated, having the notion the bible imparted. You really can't have two masters. I guess, what I am saying is, I first have to part with the easy master of modern convenience before I can truly choose to live in a time that (technically) may never happen in my lifetime. Easy or hard, gas or sickle, technical or manual. And even that trip won't be easy or fast. But... I have decided. I have chosen the path of pain! Oh, that was Saruman channeling through my blog... Anyway.
I had to check several accounts to make sure I could afford these items, which ended up with me pushing my sleep time. I can only focus for just so long, then... I lose track. But the sale was tonight only, and all of those things were reduced to 50% off, so... I managed, right at midnight, to finally place the order.
Tomorrow I will be going in to see my friend. He has been given nutritional, and other stuff, from his doctor. He is having difficulty understanding it all. So I offered to come in and help him figure it out. I will probably get something for us to munch on my way in. I think with better food and some ongoing work the doctor is doing with his legs and feet, he might come back to health a bit. He has been a bit worrying lately, ailing, falling. I might have to get in to see him a bit more often in the next weeks. Even just stopping in, or giving him a ride to the store so he can stock up a bit more or even get to the store more frequently. I might be failing just a bit, but I am still doing good enough to check on him I believe.
Good night.
.
In spite of the recent difficulties, I am planning to move forward with hiking, biking, and camping this summer. To that end, I just ordered hiking boots, wicking boxer briefs (I previously ordered a few types to find the size and type I liked), a multi-tool kit, and a few other items. These things will make hiking, camping, and even biking a little easier. Right now, I need easy. With some learning, perhaps I can do with much less.
Thanks to Matt, I have some information I have been thinking about for a while regarding particular pieces for a medical kit, namely blood-clot material and a link to possible full medical kits. After two serious bleeding accidents in a year and my penchant for turning a humble rain into a flood with electrical and chemical dangers somehow, a serious medical kit is on the shorter list (after a bike, rocket stove, and maybe a thing or two I can't recall, so maybe for Christmas?). I have a few small kits, and might be ordering several blood-clot bits next month for necessary fill in my anemic kits.
One thing I have noticed, now that my mind is clearing, regarding prepping is that there is a serious issue. No matter what equipment, knowledge, and expendables one could have on hand, and assuming one could either stash or secure all said items, keeping those items up-to-date and functional up to a global melt-down is a whole other can of worms. Okay, so you have every hand tool for working wood and bending iron into useful function, you have enough food to eat on that alone for five years, you have non-electric equipment to navigate, you have horses for travel, you have equipment for cleaning water, you have well shielded tube short wave transceivers transmitters receivers with backup parts in excess of a lifetime, etc., etc., etc. (Or even some small part of that). How are you possibly going to keep up on all that, make sure it all works all the time especially considering use means possible damage, and keep it all together? Basically, I need to consider what I can really do, what I would like to do, and start finding out what my neighbors are doing in this regard.
We live in such an easy world. It might be failing. It might be crumbling. My guess is that it is. None of us has ever had to live on little food, had to work for our water, had to wash our clothes by hand and wait for them to dry, or even had to worry about getting a vital, let alone trivial, item at a moments notice. This is the first place I have lived that doesn't have air conditioning in... decades? If you have the cash there is almost nothing you can't get. Heck, I can go to Wal-Mart right now and get almost anything to at least tide me over until I could get better if necessary (especially with a little imagination and some degree of mechanical or electrical knowledge). Heck, you can build a bomb for $50 or (far) less! (Not that I recommend that, mind you.)
That will all change if things keep going as they are. When Democrats counter Republicans demands to cut spending in order to raise the debt limit with... demands for more spending... and Republicans are seriously listening... I don't think there is anything but trouble in the future. Well, and that is just one of the problems, one of very many problems. There will be no Wal-Mart. Or, more, all there will be is Wal-Mart. At which time we will be at their mercy.
So planning for a world even I have never seen is... difficult. Part of the reason I am thinking of hiking and camping and such is not just to increase my physical condition, but also to learn how life will be. Even when hiking, I may simply begin taking my water filtration device and an empty canteen or two. I probably will take a bit of food camping, but I would like to practice getting campfires going if that is a bit limited in a mountain desert sometimes. I need to begin practicing with the gear I have. It won't be for fun, for views, for other things. Those will simply be bonuses when they happen and when I can appreciate them. The only way to know what life will be like, what is necessary and what is not, how long I can go on what food and water, and how to make better due without easy access commercialism, is to get in there and live it now, with the safety nets that still exist. That should help me shake out my lists. But... to even get to that point I still have needs/wants on my list! With the boots, however, if they work, I have a very large piece of that list. I have been looking for a pair of leather boots with a real replaceable sole, that looks right. Most hikers are disposable these days.
On top of all that, and while I plan and work to store, gain, learn, I still have to live in the modern world. Having two masters is not difficult, it is actually impossible. I realized this not from looking at the current and future demands but, when frustrated, having the notion the bible imparted. You really can't have two masters. I guess, what I am saying is, I first have to part with the easy master of modern convenience before I can truly choose to live in a time that (technically) may never happen in my lifetime. Easy or hard, gas or sickle, technical or manual. And even that trip won't be easy or fast. But... I have decided. I have chosen the path of pain! Oh, that was Saruman channeling through my blog... Anyway.
I had to check several accounts to make sure I could afford these items, which ended up with me pushing my sleep time. I can only focus for just so long, then... I lose track. But the sale was tonight only, and all of those things were reduced to 50% off, so... I managed, right at midnight, to finally place the order.
Tomorrow I will be going in to see my friend. He has been given nutritional, and other stuff, from his doctor. He is having difficulty understanding it all. So I offered to come in and help him figure it out. I will probably get something for us to munch on my way in. I think with better food and some ongoing work the doctor is doing with his legs and feet, he might come back to health a bit. He has been a bit worrying lately, ailing, falling. I might have to get in to see him a bit more often in the next weeks. Even just stopping in, or giving him a ride to the store so he can stock up a bit more or even get to the store more frequently. I might be failing just a bit, but I am still doing good enough to check on him I believe.
Good night.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Ah, that's better.
.
.
Slipping into shorts and a sleeveless shirt, taking my socks off, and sitting for a bit, have allowed some of life to return. If heat isn't the sole problem with my recent downturn, it doesn't help. I may have to pull the fans out before too long as well. The curtains, again, are open. It is such a... novel thing. For whatever reason I am truly enjoying having them open. Then again, having mountains to look out from every window doesn't hurt.
I finished the laundry. As I use clothes and towels though, there will be a pile soon enough. And Sam snuck into my bedroom and deposited extra food in the form of vomit. *sigh* Still, I have plenty of clean sheets and I removed the sheets before it soaked in and it wasn't on the blankets. Rather than being mad, I was actually slightly grateful, if not fully happily so. This gave me a reason to change the sheets again. New fresh sheets and maybe a habit forming thing, again. I finished, perhaps, half of the dishes. But I have run into a... problem. I simply am not able to push past this little dip, not right now. I was happy to make it to the appointment today and take care of the other things with a return trip. I realize, now more than ever, that my heart probably is a part of why I sometimes can't push. That would be the invisible something that I simply could not figure out before, the thing that would allow function and then not. They don't make an appointment with you at the Advanced Heart Failure Clinic, then bump that up a week, merely because you are handsome (though there is that too). :p
So, I will go a bit slower and do what I can when I can, again. If it never happens again, it was wonderful to lead a normal life for a few weeks again, in any case. I will not begrudge that. After twenty some years of living like a zombie, just to see normalcy for a few moments was enough to refresh. Of course, because of what happened, I have hope that healing may now occur and I might get some part of a normal life back. It just absolutely amazes me what the possibilities are. If you literally can lead a normal life, with grumps and all, enjoy it. Get out, find your friends and family and go pick on them, make friends, dig holes just to see what is down there, ride a horse, go for a ride, get married, have kids. Don't wait. Hurry up.
I am still dissatisfied with the Republican field for president. Between moderates and slightly more moderate moderates, picking a horse for that race is like expecting to see gray hounds sprinting after the gate only to find one has shown up on turtle race day. Watching lips move and knowing these jerks have no more a notion of what they should do, how it should be done, or for whom exactly they want to be working (which is whoever will just let them do whatever they want and leave them alone to it). None of them want to do a darned thing about illegal immigration, none of them really have a plan for the Middle-East, none of them are keen on cutting entitlements let alone general spending or even taxation. They talk big, in a little way. Generalities, but the truth is none of them will more than give a token nod to those who elect them. Democrat lite seems to be all I am seeing, with a few out-of-touch characters, and some not so lite candidates (Huntsman, Romney, and some of the sharia favoring multi-culties and "greens"). Bah!
I think I am liking this new monitor though. I didn't think I would and it might fail yet. You know how these things go. But it is cooler, it is quieter (the other had almost as many fans as my computer). And I think it has some kind of curve in it that helps with glare. On to a bit of gaming. I found a game from long ago that will play on the loaner, which is more of an antique than even my machine. Hmm, I ought to call and check on that. If he broke it, I will just take it back. I suppose I should wait until the first, to make sure I have money in case he managed to fix what he tried to repair in spite of that not being the problem. Doh!
.
Slipping into shorts and a sleeveless shirt, taking my socks off, and sitting for a bit, have allowed some of life to return. If heat isn't the sole problem with my recent downturn, it doesn't help. I may have to pull the fans out before too long as well. The curtains, again, are open. It is such a... novel thing. For whatever reason I am truly enjoying having them open. Then again, having mountains to look out from every window doesn't hurt.
I finished the laundry. As I use clothes and towels though, there will be a pile soon enough. And Sam snuck into my bedroom and deposited extra food in the form of vomit. *sigh* Still, I have plenty of clean sheets and I removed the sheets before it soaked in and it wasn't on the blankets. Rather than being mad, I was actually slightly grateful, if not fully happily so. This gave me a reason to change the sheets again. New fresh sheets and maybe a habit forming thing, again. I finished, perhaps, half of the dishes. But I have run into a... problem. I simply am not able to push past this little dip, not right now. I was happy to make it to the appointment today and take care of the other things with a return trip. I realize, now more than ever, that my heart probably is a part of why I sometimes can't push. That would be the invisible something that I simply could not figure out before, the thing that would allow function and then not. They don't make an appointment with you at the Advanced Heart Failure Clinic, then bump that up a week, merely because you are handsome (though there is that too). :p
So, I will go a bit slower and do what I can when I can, again. If it never happens again, it was wonderful to lead a normal life for a few weeks again, in any case. I will not begrudge that. After twenty some years of living like a zombie, just to see normalcy for a few moments was enough to refresh. Of course, because of what happened, I have hope that healing may now occur and I might get some part of a normal life back. It just absolutely amazes me what the possibilities are. If you literally can lead a normal life, with grumps and all, enjoy it. Get out, find your friends and family and go pick on them, make friends, dig holes just to see what is down there, ride a horse, go for a ride, get married, have kids. Don't wait. Hurry up.
I am still dissatisfied with the Republican field for president. Between moderates and slightly more moderate moderates, picking a horse for that race is like expecting to see gray hounds sprinting after the gate only to find one has shown up on turtle race day. Watching lips move and knowing these jerks have no more a notion of what they should do, how it should be done, or for whom exactly they want to be working (which is whoever will just let them do whatever they want and leave them alone to it). None of them want to do a darned thing about illegal immigration, none of them really have a plan for the Middle-East, none of them are keen on cutting entitlements let alone general spending or even taxation. They talk big, in a little way. Generalities, but the truth is none of them will more than give a token nod to those who elect them. Democrat lite seems to be all I am seeing, with a few out-of-touch characters, and some not so lite candidates (Huntsman, Romney, and some of the sharia favoring multi-culties and "greens"). Bah!
I think I am liking this new monitor though. I didn't think I would and it might fail yet. You know how these things go. But it is cooler, it is quieter (the other had almost as many fans as my computer). And I think it has some kind of curve in it that helps with glare. On to a bit of gaming. I found a game from long ago that will play on the loaner, which is more of an antique than even my machine. Hmm, I ought to call and check on that. If he broke it, I will just take it back. I suppose I should wait until the first, to make sure I have money in case he managed to fix what he tried to repair in spite of that not being the problem. Doh!
Hmmm, well...
.
.
Sleep has been elusive. I was able to get a few hours of sleep before taking Sam in. I was a bit late for the appointment as between little sleep and being a slow starter at times as well, I just couldn't push hard enough to be fast enough. Two shots with one left for Sam. And, this time, the doctor suggested a treatment for tapeworms. I said I was holding off because of the expense. She said they had stuff for $16, and highly recommended since Sam hunts. It lasts six months and I can buy the stuff and just apply it here at home. Done. It is too hot to do shopping and leave Sam in the vehicle, so I brought her home and went back to town.
There were just a few items that were very needed. A few items I bought to have more on hand. And, it turns out, I purchased the first part of my new computer. The switch in my old CRT monitor would not turn the device on. It is a good monitor, otherwise. Though square, that CRT was better than most monitors I have compared. I think it was 22" (again, square, not this new funky envelope shape). Set up was easier than I might have anticipated, the only reason I had for the instructions was when putting on the base plate... I wasn't sure if I was doing it right and being plastic, I didn't want to break it. A spendy little device, monitors. But less than online stores often sell them, when I do mockups to compare prices. At 26", it is about the height of my old machine, but with more screen near the bottom (my old one was on a very substantial base), and much wider. Actually, in it's day, I think I paid a hundred more for the old monitor (not in adjusted, but actual dollar, price). If it lasts half of the nine years of the old monitor I will be pleased. Of course that does put a ding in my account. Sam was another $130. But I don't have any other expenses for the rest of the month... I hope... I think? The one thing about this new monitor is that I can't adjust it via the stand. I am sure I could... figure something out, maybe?
I tried to call my priest today. His line was busy and I haven't heard back from him. This slow motion phone tag is annoying. I know, it happens. It is no one's fault. It will be done, eventually. I also called the Advanced Heart Failure Clinic back. They left a message Monday but I saw neither the call nor the message. I only accidentally found the message checking another message I was sure was on the phone. They had set me up for the 6th but wanted to push that up a week. All good in my book. It is an early rise though, the clinic is first come, first served, starts at 9:00 and they want blood work done an hour earlier. With a two hour drive, that means a 6:00 start, which means a 4:00 wake. Ugh, and double ugh. I will do my best to be in like they want, at least the first time. I will ask more questions though, when I get there. In any case, I am pleased to be having my condition and blood monitored much more frequently. Once every three to six months on medicines that are tricky and potentially fatal at the turn of a trick is... spooky.
I think something is a bit off. The heat has started up, it is 87 F today (30.56 C). While that isn't exactly blistering, considering we have had such a cool spring, this is like going from the refrigerator into the oven without a notion regarding sentiment. Harsh. At least for me. I am having trouble sleeping, waking, working, and keeping on track. I doubt if it is the heat, come to think of it, I have been sliding for several days. I know I will have to ease into the heat. But ease in I must. It looks like this is the way of the weather here for the next week. If I can keep it together I may mow when it cools a bit. Or not. I had best get to it though, that front part of the lawn is growing like crazy already.
Hmmm, a bite to eat, a little goofing now that I have my machine back, and... who knows. I cooked a roast last night, on the grill. I must have used a quarter of the tank cleaning the grill before and after. It did help, but that's an uncomfortable means of cleaning. Hmm, if I fill the extra tank soon, though, at least I will have less worry about running out in the middle of cleaning or cooking. Later or maybe good night.
.
Sleep has been elusive. I was able to get a few hours of sleep before taking Sam in. I was a bit late for the appointment as between little sleep and being a slow starter at times as well, I just couldn't push hard enough to be fast enough. Two shots with one left for Sam. And, this time, the doctor suggested a treatment for tapeworms. I said I was holding off because of the expense. She said they had stuff for $16, and highly recommended since Sam hunts. It lasts six months and I can buy the stuff and just apply it here at home. Done. It is too hot to do shopping and leave Sam in the vehicle, so I brought her home and went back to town.
There were just a few items that were very needed. A few items I bought to have more on hand. And, it turns out, I purchased the first part of my new computer. The switch in my old CRT monitor would not turn the device on. It is a good monitor, otherwise. Though square, that CRT was better than most monitors I have compared. I think it was 22" (again, square, not this new funky envelope shape). Set up was easier than I might have anticipated, the only reason I had for the instructions was when putting on the base plate... I wasn't sure if I was doing it right and being plastic, I didn't want to break it. A spendy little device, monitors. But less than online stores often sell them, when I do mockups to compare prices. At 26", it is about the height of my old machine, but with more screen near the bottom (my old one was on a very substantial base), and much wider. Actually, in it's day, I think I paid a hundred more for the old monitor (not in adjusted, but actual dollar, price). If it lasts half of the nine years of the old monitor I will be pleased. Of course that does put a ding in my account. Sam was another $130. But I don't have any other expenses for the rest of the month... I hope... I think? The one thing about this new monitor is that I can't adjust it via the stand. I am sure I could... figure something out, maybe?
I tried to call my priest today. His line was busy and I haven't heard back from him. This slow motion phone tag is annoying. I know, it happens. It is no one's fault. It will be done, eventually. I also called the Advanced Heart Failure Clinic back. They left a message Monday but I saw neither the call nor the message. I only accidentally found the message checking another message I was sure was on the phone. They had set me up for the 6th but wanted to push that up a week. All good in my book. It is an early rise though, the clinic is first come, first served, starts at 9:00 and they want blood work done an hour earlier. With a two hour drive, that means a 6:00 start, which means a 4:00 wake. Ugh, and double ugh. I will do my best to be in like they want, at least the first time. I will ask more questions though, when I get there. In any case, I am pleased to be having my condition and blood monitored much more frequently. Once every three to six months on medicines that are tricky and potentially fatal at the turn of a trick is... spooky.
I think something is a bit off. The heat has started up, it is 87 F today (30.56 C). While that isn't exactly blistering, considering we have had such a cool spring, this is like going from the refrigerator into the oven without a notion regarding sentiment. Harsh. At least for me. I am having trouble sleeping, waking, working, and keeping on track. I doubt if it is the heat, come to think of it, I have been sliding for several days. I know I will have to ease into the heat. But ease in I must. It looks like this is the way of the weather here for the next week. If I can keep it together I may mow when it cools a bit. Or not. I had best get to it though, that front part of the lawn is growing like crazy already.
Hmmm, a bite to eat, a little goofing now that I have my machine back, and... who knows. I cooked a roast last night, on the grill. I must have used a quarter of the tank cleaning the grill before and after. It did help, but that's an uncomfortable means of cleaning. Hmm, if I fill the extra tank soon, though, at least I will have less worry about running out in the middle of cleaning or cooking. Later or maybe good night.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Restful sleep is a beautiful thing.
.
.
I have been pushing just a wee too much I do believe. I simply need to take a day or two and, proverbially, catch my breath. Fine, fine, I can do the mowing tomorrow or the day after. I did get sleep in, finally. And it was such a good thing. I don't remember a thing about it. But waking up refreshed, with my mind and will back in some order, and a better understanding of my limits, for now, made the non-sleep a learning experience rather than a wasted suffering. Slow down, regroup, rethink, then begin back with baby steps. All good. That sleep has meaning is new to me, I wasn't going to let that pass.
I will continue to get back on my feet, continue with the dishes and sorting and straightening. Light duty for a few days is the deal. Anything that moves me forward just a bit. A bit every day. But I really pushed things and my body and mind rejected the push. With life truly becoming great again, I am not going to let that slip. Not for my want of a possibly fictional better life. Not to get everything to some level of perfect. Even so, my life is coming together. Clear thoughts, solid work, good health stats, a healing body, a cleaner home, a lot of good things. Even God rested, if only for a day in seven. I am neither God nor, really, a whole man yet.
I have realized that I am a doubting St. Thomas. Some things I believe, but not without working myself through lots of doubts, and not without some remaining nibbling doubts. I will, in absolute truth, be absolutely sure about very little so long as I draw breath. I am rather dogmatic (if ignorantly at times, in that regardless of what I think or believe, I easily and willfully defer to the Church on such issues). But if you understand dogma, the roots of the term, you realize that to be dogmatic is only falsely declared uncompromising or some such. To be dogmatic merely means, in it's origins, to... seem to think, or perceive to be right. Nothing is absolute. Some things are absolute within a faith, for example the sacrifice of Christ for our sins is absolutely necessary to believe in order to honestly claim to be Christian. Further, it isn't a side issue. It is the only issue. From there we discover what we must do in order to utilize that sacrifice to both God and our benefit, right ends, or however you wish to term it. So, I have no problem with doubts. Neither, in fact, did God. Christ quite easily allowed St. Thomas both his doubts, and proof. Christ did not in any words, but in action, anoint doubt, to a degree.
Of course, there has to be faith, trust, and such, or even getting out of bed would be impossible. I have to redefine my world by finding what I can trust, how I can trust it, and then go forth. I find the exercise much akin to climbing out of a well. Not all stones can be trusted equally, they must be tested and tested at the angle of particular purchase or use. Once found safe, more height may be accessed and the process continues. I am just waking up, in a way, to a world that has changed much. I have been trying to climb out of a mud sided well and and made it up to more stone walled part somehow. But it is all new ground, new understandings in my environment, and... a bit scarier because I don't want to fall back into the muck part. Careful, easy does it. I also know... there is no getting out of the well, not in life. We will climb until we ultimately fall... fall for the last time... at least on earth. Ah, but I'm ready for the climb even with the surety of fleshly failure. I just need to go slower while my 'boots' dry a bit and as I get used to the cutting and solidity of the rock face after being used to soft but insecure mud walls.
I blather. Hushutup already. Me or you? Definitely blather. Good day!
.
I have been pushing just a wee too much I do believe. I simply need to take a day or two and, proverbially, catch my breath. Fine, fine, I can do the mowing tomorrow or the day after. I did get sleep in, finally. And it was such a good thing. I don't remember a thing about it. But waking up refreshed, with my mind and will back in some order, and a better understanding of my limits, for now, made the non-sleep a learning experience rather than a wasted suffering. Slow down, regroup, rethink, then begin back with baby steps. All good. That sleep has meaning is new to me, I wasn't going to let that pass.
I will continue to get back on my feet, continue with the dishes and sorting and straightening. Light duty for a few days is the deal. Anything that moves me forward just a bit. A bit every day. But I really pushed things and my body and mind rejected the push. With life truly becoming great again, I am not going to let that slip. Not for my want of a possibly fictional better life. Not to get everything to some level of perfect. Even so, my life is coming together. Clear thoughts, solid work, good health stats, a healing body, a cleaner home, a lot of good things. Even God rested, if only for a day in seven. I am neither God nor, really, a whole man yet.
I have realized that I am a doubting St. Thomas. Some things I believe, but not without working myself through lots of doubts, and not without some remaining nibbling doubts. I will, in absolute truth, be absolutely sure about very little so long as I draw breath. I am rather dogmatic (if ignorantly at times, in that regardless of what I think or believe, I easily and willfully defer to the Church on such issues). But if you understand dogma, the roots of the term, you realize that to be dogmatic is only falsely declared uncompromising or some such. To be dogmatic merely means, in it's origins, to... seem to think, or perceive to be right. Nothing is absolute. Some things are absolute within a faith, for example the sacrifice of Christ for our sins is absolutely necessary to believe in order to honestly claim to be Christian. Further, it isn't a side issue. It is the only issue. From there we discover what we must do in order to utilize that sacrifice to both God and our benefit, right ends, or however you wish to term it. So, I have no problem with doubts. Neither, in fact, did God. Christ quite easily allowed St. Thomas both his doubts, and proof. Christ did not in any words, but in action, anoint doubt, to a degree.
Of course, there has to be faith, trust, and such, or even getting out of bed would be impossible. I have to redefine my world by finding what I can trust, how I can trust it, and then go forth. I find the exercise much akin to climbing out of a well. Not all stones can be trusted equally, they must be tested and tested at the angle of particular purchase or use. Once found safe, more height may be accessed and the process continues. I am just waking up, in a way, to a world that has changed much. I have been trying to climb out of a mud sided well and and made it up to more stone walled part somehow. But it is all new ground, new understandings in my environment, and... a bit scarier because I don't want to fall back into the muck part. Careful, easy does it. I also know... there is no getting out of the well, not in life. We will climb until we ultimately fall... fall for the last time... at least on earth. Ah, but I'm ready for the climb even with the surety of fleshly failure. I just need to go slower while my 'boots' dry a bit and as I get used to the cutting and solidity of the rock face after being used to soft but insecure mud walls.
I blather. Hushutup already. Me or you? Definitely blather. Good day!
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