After a glorious start.

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Well, the term "glory" has been modified for my use, within my understandings and capacities, mind you. Still, a bit of vest wearing, shopping, and visiting with neighbors rightly counts as glorious, given the caveats. In any case, after the sparkle of glory wore off, I took my meds (perhaps again... med-set... I need a weekly medicine dispenser thing-a-ma-bob, or two, soon). I can't remember too much else. Ah, I brought the fans into play, finally. They almost cooled things off too much. Which means I felt quite good. So good in fact that I did the only thing I could possibly do. I slept! I think, somehow, they put cat genes in me. Maybe I am more than a simple Frankenstein? Bah. I slept for many hours. The last week has been hot, and got that way in a hurry after a cool to downright cold spring. I believe my sleep has been disturbed by it. Along with medicine changes and trying to figure out mortal coil function again, it has been slightly turbulent flying. My sleep hasn't been shallow so much, and it has been restful, the problem is I would not sleep very long due to heating issues. The sleep was long (a typical eight hours), lush, deep, and regenerative.

I still need to get the medicine arranged. The extra lasix seems to have helped. While not choking on water, imagine being up to your neck in water. While fine, you know a misstep or a hole in the ground you are bouncing across will lead to you being underwater. Okay, got that. Now, imagine the pool is inside your throat. I was getting a bit full. I could sense that. I learned to mentally suppress the cough but I could still tell my internal water table was high. The extra lasix drained the pool. This last void I was thinking if I ever have a fire and a half hour notice, one or two extra pills and there would be no need for a fire truck. Pass them out to a couple other people and we could handle a three or four alarm fire.

But too, my ability to function, think clearly, and remember have all also been negatively impacted by recent medicine changes. With the high water mark and the higher blood pressure, I am unsure which, or if both to what degree either has specifically degraded my abilities. I am thinking it is most likely the high blood pressure, but the higher blood pressure is due TO the high fluid levels, so... I definitely am hoping this little self-adjustment will modulate my status for their and to my satisfaction. No one has ever called me back in spite of being told someone was always there to answer the phone, and that going over 5 pounds gained was critical. No problem, I have learned not to actually rely on medical staff literally or figuratively. With these medicines working as they do, or can, I have the tools to diy, with the doctors merely to check blood levels and tell me if something is too out of whack. They have proven wrong, again, on adjustments, and been untruthful about being there for me. No problem, that is why "I" am here. :) Well, on with the experiment.

I am hoping, tomorrow, to get the last bit of lawn mowed. And, if I can, to haul the roofing materials to the coop. The weight of the material is actually more than one would think. It is only a 20' x 40' roof area. All I have is a wheelbarrow, two arms, and two legs. I could ask for help, but I hate asking for help on this part of it. I will be calling one of my neighbors when I begin, after checking for wasps. Even with wasps I might be able to get the materials out and into the coop. I best make sure I can start tearing down and rebuilding safely though. I did a rough check on wasps earlier this spring but it was too wet (snow even I think) to get up on the roof to check under a loose panel near the top. The other trick to getting the materials out there is that I have a gate to get through, and there are ponies and a llama I need to consider. While not as sneaky as cats in getting out, have no doubt that these beasties are ever so clever and they want fresh grasses. At least the llama, and actually the others too as Shetland pony types have a bad reputation, are very amenable, only possibly being tricky (though I haven't seen that, I KNOW animals (and people:)). So, I can't just leave the gate open, I have to keep an eye on the critters, and the wheelbarrow will only help with the more compact steel panel sheaf itself. The under-panels, while lighter, are many, will catch wind, and do have some heft to them. So, this will be a major minor chore. Urhm, I think I can handle the box of screws with only minor effort, on the good side.

And dishes. I may try to push through and finish those, finally, tonight. The other thing I would like to do is figure out how much room I have in the recycling bin. I have a collection of boxes I would like to send on their way. To be honest, I might end up putting some in the trash too. Oh, I know, but I have been unable to get to things for months, a year really. So when I see the chance to take care of one complete eyesore all at once... you know what... recycling is second, third, or actually not even in the fiddler line-up. I am still waking from my nap, or sleep, or... coma. A bit of tinkering, "afternoon" pills, a bite to eat, and then I will get to it.

Oh, not the best seeming 4th of July ever, to some people's reckoning. But, for me, what does freedom mean if I am not standing on my own two feet? What does righteous law and order mean if I am in such pain that I can't reason. What is opportunity if I can't breathe? I used those clumps at the bottom of my legs today and well, I haven't used a Tylenol in a week or two despite shoving work through when I can as the minor aches and pains are just that and quite transitory, and I am breathing well even when moving like a war banshee. So, to me, the holiday was a smashing success. It is one of the best I have had as an adult. Fireworks will be finishing the day, if technically already over, with a clean boxless kitchen. Oh, the great thing about sleep oddities? I sometimes get TWO holidays per your one. Being crippled can have it's advantages. I just wish people remembered that at Christmas. Sheesh.

Later.

Out and about.

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After taking the vest off, I did indeed find some ease in getting to at least one of my chores, shopping. Showering, grooming, dressing, then... right into town. A ton of peanut butter, carrots, celery, a lamb shank, soda, and the rest. I tried to mix meats, vegetables, and fruits in, along with milk. I've been cooking breakfast the last three days and I have been enjoying that, well... the breakfast anyway. Into town and back, easy as pie. I grabbed fast food on the way back. It got a little cold with what happened and the drive. I just don't like eating and driving. Cool food was worth it though.

When I got back, the neighbors who own the horses and llama were here, so we chatted. I know know their names. We ended up talking about a dozen things. It was quite pleasant. I hope I didn't come off as too much of a chatty type. Their ears must still be ringing! I might have been 'running a little hot' from the weight vest, shopping, and such. Oh well, they... know who I am, I have a better idea who they are, I met some of their kids, and it was a pleasant thing for my part. Yes it was, it was good to be a neighbor. She did notice that I am either seemingly hiding... or I am quick, gone in a flash. Well, yes, that is true. I need to spend more time out in my yard, figuring out climbing, just messing around, and other things. They have been meaning to stop by. But then, they have 6 kids, a number of goats, chickens, he drives (short line I think). Hmm, yeah, busy. Oh, but they invited me over some afternoon when I am up to it to take part in their chores. Beside raising chickens, they raise and milk goats. If nothing else I will have a better idea of what that is all about. Oh, and she suggested I not buy eggs anymore. They are grateful to have use of the fenced area. Such an easy thing to offer for me and something they really needed. And, they are working with the man who used to bail out back, so that is pretty much covered.

No parade. Still, I did get the bins back in by the house. I am going to try and chill a bit. Barring that I will have to put the weight vest back on. Hey, it beats a straight jacket, if in some way it is a restraining item. I can still compute with it on though. You know, I am lucky they didn't kill me treating a heart condition with psychotropics. Seriously. Damned fools. Unless I really am unique somehow? No, I simply think they are fools.

Well, on to something else. Tinkering I suppose. I hope to make a couple of boxes of ammo today. Nothing fancy, just slightly above minimum plinking rounds. Doh! Forgot to get a med-set, and really need one. Later.

Teaching a cat?

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We will see. I have decided, for Sassy to earn her treats, she will have to do a trick. I say "up", and put a treat down then point it out. I don't think she will ever quite understand pointing, and it did take her a while to understand "up" meant treats somewhere, close to my extended tapping finger, but she is learning. It will take a long time. I figured I would try this after months of saying "Hungry" and "Food" to get her when about to feed her canned food. Now I can say either word and get her worked up into a lather. I always feed her, but sometimes not before working her hunger up to a peak. *evil grins* Oh hush, I only do that once in a while. And it IS entertaining.

The vest is about to come off. It is amazing how enlarged I get wearing it. My wrist, for example. I need to loosen my watch band 3 notches while wearing the vest and for a good number of hours afterward. My body, though still solid from wearing it before, becomes double or triple as solid seemingly and somehow. Muscles in my upper body down to my waist are affected it seems. I am curious to see what happens when I take it off. Will I just be a bit tired, will I set off an 'updraft', or will I just feel better and have life become easier? I am sure only doing it regularly for a while will give a definite answer though. I have heard that Roman legions not only fought with their armor, of course, but also marched with it on and even built fortifications and bridges and such while wearing their armor. Depending on with whom you speak, their armor alone may have weighed sixty to eighty pounds. And these guys were short compared to modern times. I would almost have been considered a giant then.

Hmm, out of habit I took the trash and recycling out and set it by the road for pickup. Well, probably not a good thing. I am not sure if they have a parade today or not. In any case, I think I'll pull it all back after I take the vest off. Have a great day.

Hmmm. Happy 4th of July.

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I had forgotten to set my alarm and I didn't let the cats sleep with me because when they want me awake they can make it so and I still woke early. Too early, perhaps. I took my stats, again not good if not quite as bad as it has been, 144/84. Weird. The systolic stayed high while the diastolic dropped to a reasonably good number (though not close to the best, at 57 or recent usual in the 60's). I can't remember if I took the extra lasix last night or not. I bet I did because when my bp drops, short term memory can become an issue and I have been doing very well with memory recently. Weight is still a bit high. I'll keep tinkering.

It's the 4th, is it? I haven't checked for fireworks presentations because I am not going. Between goobers, children, out-of-town trouble-makers, and alcohol consumption anywhere near a college campus, I think staying at home is best. I might find some pro-American city's presentation and watch it online. Not NYC, not Chicago, not L.A., S.F., or those types. I think most of those cities put things on as a means to pay public unions overtime, prepare for the real celebration when capitalism and the full understanding of a free people is finally defeated and such. No, perhaps some city in Texas. Then again, are there any truly patriotic big cities? Perhaps the notion is as queer as the man acting as the current president? Bah!

A piece of heated chicken for breakfast, and then on with the weight vest. I am not in an uncontrolled forward rush this morning. What I am thinking though, is that if it works for that perhaps it works for just the opposite. I am going to see if wearing it for a couple of hours can make getting going easier. Only instead of wearing it until I ease down, just wearing it a few hours in the morning to gear the machine up then leave it without a load. I must say, wearing it for six or eight hours that last time... tightened my body from biceps to pecs to sphincter! Uhrm, probably all of them. I like feeling solid. Actually, I am still tight from having worn it. I wonder what wearing it regularly will do?

On to... something. Have a great day. I hope you eat, meet, and watch, or do something. Oh, never mind those of us hiding out. At least you know one who is beginning to work at making a debut into the world in a year or two. I'll join you next year, or the one after that, in spirit in one sense, in flesh in another, just probably not combined. I'm... I'm not sure I like you that much. :p

Steak and chicken.

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I am starting to learn to cook chicken thighs on the grill. Regular use helps keep the grill in order. I am learning to use the scraper/scrubber to better success, along with heat, both before and after cooking. Just a little care, once you figure it all out, does a pretty good job. I just love having cooked chicken to either eat cold (bleh) or heat up if I have the time and the day isn't too hot.

The steak, a double thick, bone-in, ribeye, came out absolutely perfect. Delicious, tender, beefy. Though my appetite has been mild and my meals are usually no more than six to ten ounces, I was able to eat this steak AND a potato. That was my holiday meal and I did enjoy.

I have not been doing much. I seem to either be burning the candle and both ends and sandbagging myself or otherwise trying to figure that out or simply slumping lately. Again, with the medicine changes, I suspect there is a medical reason. I will be taking more lasix tonight, to try and get more water out. I will take lasix up to where it was. If that doesn't do it I will add in the various levels of hydrochlorothiazide until I drop just enough to have gained four pounds, as they had wanted. Hmm, that big meal might make the notion a little difficult to be sure so I will give it three days to sort itself out.

I am going to try and sleep. Setting my alarm for 9:00 or 10:00. There isn't much to do tomorrow, being a holiday. If I hear lawnmowers, I will consider mowing that last little bit. If not, the next day. This is so weird, going through highs and lows, bp jumping around, weight doing weird things, all while trying to... figure things out. Anyway, good night.

The messages we receive.

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As the sun begins to slip past the mountains, the afternoon cools, meats thaw, and as I wake I started considering a few things. Dishes, the last of them, are on my mind. It seems silly that I haven't finished them yet. That I have come as far as I have though, actually, is a surprise to me. If I finish them, perhaps that will be a bad thing. I seem to be holding onto them, unsure what finishing them might mean, or do. Will it mean I am cured and now must pick up my crutches and sprint at the worlds beck and call? Or does it mean merely that my mind or the world has tricked me again and I will be crippled again, or dead, tomorrow? The thoughts are muted, for whatever reason, this "morning". My thoughts are like words as they used to be uttered in libraries. Hushed, brief, considered. Nevermind these thoughts, I have no answers.

My mind reconsiders the meats. Are they thawed? If so, which should I cook for this evening? Then I look to the dirty dishes. Maybe I should finish the dishes so as to not have a guilty conscience about dirtying more dishes before all are cleaned. Then it strikes me, the world asks such odd things of us, or maybe it is just me. The world seems to suggest that I create or obtain functional items, like a nice shiny kitchen (or at least the kitchen I have will do, but it must be clean). And the world demands I utilize it as well. If the demands stopped at the kitchen, I think I could do that. But both interest and need demand that I have and utilize many items, groups of things, and relationships. All, I am told, I am supposed to utilize to their fullest and all must be kept in the best of condition. I can finally remember who I am more than not. Now I suppose I might know why my head was kept in the sand, or part of it. It seems I am being asked for the impossible, to have my cake and to eat it both at the same time.

I should be honest, if my proverbial head is fully extracted from the sand, it is not fully functioning quite yet. I can see what I had been missing but I can't quite do much about all of it. The blood flow has not fully resumed and there is still some sand in my eyes. Some of it yes. A bit at a time. As well, I am still hitting those starts and stops, perhaps due to medicine changes, energy level shifts, or something else, perhaps summer heat? Every trick to deal with one thing leads to a new set of problems. While the weight vest quieted the energy spike it did not allow directly or quickly for sleep. A break but one that can't quite bring the locomotive to a full stop. I am just figuring out how to figure it out, finding the old problems coupled with new situations with which to contend. I am just seeing that what is asked of me is not really possible. I realize how humbling it is to be a man. I even see the pride by which I often stumble and in my writing and am not always able to manage it well.

None of that is negative, as I am seeing things. Those things are merely a part of the truth of existence. Like limits or givens, the rules, and the knowns in mathematics, these are notions which could be used to begin living a fuller, complex, good life, or solving life within my capacity... perhaps? I am not sure what to make of it all, not quite yet.

Days and nights are completely topsy turvy. I almost thought to say "again", but they have never quite settled. Every time I near a normal day and night rotation I either end up needing more sleep or I find myself unable to sleep until night becomes my day. I feel like I am rolling rigged dice, betting on the fastest horse but the one that has been sandbagged by the betting powers that be, or running up a hill that is sliding backwards variously faster or slower than I am running but in such a manner that I cannot quite know which. Is it all just me, my decisions conscious or not, my body, why can't I just do things, force things, make it happen? Why can't I just reason things. Why can't I just do what I think is my will? At least my mind is no longer shouting about it. At least I am moving forward in many areas. Oh, my blood pressure is up. Not to it's typical highs, but... Is that causing problems too? Questions.

Yes, stuck on me. For the moment. But I have not been this close to a hope, a real hope, since Ritalin. And given my heart condition, that would be dangerous. And this is hopeful by possibly fixing the problem, not dealing with one of several symptoms. Sometimes I feel that this hope is slipping away. So I think about it. Maybe too much? Questions.

Sunday, being a day of rest...

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I really want to visit with the neighbors. I still haven't asked them to remove the critters. But, not knowing their religious beliefs, and having some of my own, a business visit would be rude, same with Monday, it being a holiday. Tuesday I will have to visit though, in the early afternoon. I will be asking about more than just the equine and llama. It seems that they raise chickens. I am hoping to find out more, just ask general interest questions. This week too, I hope to finally get the coop roof up. I have found a couple of sites with ideas on building feeders, a watering system, and how to predator "proof" a run. But talking to real people right in the area seems a good idea as well.

The weight vest, by the way, is a great thing. It definitely helped tame the wild side. And while I still couldn't sleep, I was much more reasoned... or something along those lines. Wearing it for about six hours just mellowed me. I am sure I was still running on high but the calorie burn took up the slack. Now, perhaps, I have a bit of a break when my accelerator gets stuck. None of this would have been possible without the heart medication, though too, I now see. What a weird web of events that has lead me to discover first a real possible cure for being crippled, then a cure for "energy swings" (because they aren't really mood swings), all in... a relatively short period of time. The heart medicine also opened up my mind, it has allowed me to think through problems. We will see, in time, what this all means.

I will have to work on my medicinal regimen however. For the first days of the new group of medicines, I gained 0, then 3.6 pounds, then 0, and now an additional 7 pounds today. I called the number they gave me but no one answered. I left my name, id info, a message, and my number. No response. I will call again. If I merely get a message I will indicate that I am adding 20mg of lasix (furosamide) back to my regimen. They both stopped 32.5 mg of hydrochlorothiazide AND dropped my lasix from 60 to 40 mg. I think they overdid it. I have been trying to drink less, as well. But I am not voiding as often, and I am puffing up a bit. So it goes.

I really am becoming excited about the notion of chickens this fall. If I do that, and it is successful, I might be reading more about goats this winter. My neighbors raises those too, so it might be interesting to get a little review of how they have things set up, what is involved, do the chores occasionally, and maybe learning how to milk if they do that. Getting my hands dirty before making a possible mistake. Chickens I am almost certain I can handle. Goats?

Later or maybe "good night".

I may have figured something out.

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While trying to not skate on the ice of my pseudo mania, and not really getting it, I thought I might as well go forward with some things. I started packing my day pack. I still need to find one of my compasses and buy a topo-map for several areas hereabouts. And I will have to figure out how to pack things in just right. But I have the essence of what I want in the pack, I have much of it collected, and I am currently trying to figure out how to arrange it. Part of my problem is my size. Any spare clothes I might want to take use large amounts of space, even the high tech long sleeved shirt versus a sweatshirt, and thermal long underwear in case I get tired and need a nap and end up in Coldsville on the side of a mountain. Perhaps I should use my bigger bag? I am trying to make due with a rather light and small daypack (typical size). Anyway, one other thing I had meant to get to was wearing my vest weight. So I got that out and started tinkering. I started with twenty five pounds (two rows) and had to chuckle. I added another row of weights and that wasn't quite it either. One more row, so technically to fifty pounds, and I can finally feel it. There are three rows of 5 x 2.5lb weight holders front and back, plus another set I can strap on if I get to that point, for a total possible of 100 pounds. I ain't this pretty, but this is what the vest looks like.



In any case, what I am finding is that the weight kicks the mania right out of me. It uses up that spare energy. While I might get used to it a bit, my guess is that when or if I get up to a hundred pounds, I won't have much room to bounce off the walls. Not that I do that, literally or figuratively. I just have more acceleration than I have break. Actually, I have taken a number of bipolar tests recently. Okay, fine, I just wanted to... take another look. I ended up with about half the score needed in most cases, or less. The one that seemed the most on-target was this one. I scored an 11 on their test, taken honestly since no one else was watching. In any case, the weights will wear me out and keep my feet a bit more on the ground.

You know, for being half dead, I seem to be doing alright. I am starting to think that half the reason I remain "depressed", or even more dysfunctional, is I have been, and wrongly if I truly am not bipolar, told to suppress my up side. Of course, even if I am not bipolar, I seem to have a minor glitch with gearing up and shutting down on queue. I will work with trying not to encourage the 'down side' and figure out how to let my horses run until they wear themselves out constructively on the up side. I was a bit surprised at the fifty pounds I can wear with the vest though. It will either kill me or make me stronger, heart and all?

The only thing that worries me just a tadge... the damned thing does look like a bomb vest or body armor, both of which might cause people to... call the police. Oh well, one or two chats and they would leave me be. We have at least two sheriffs living in town, so... I don't see any real long-term problem. As long as I stay out of Logan with it. No jogging with them, not for me. But flat walks, you bet. Uhrm, no biking, though, either. Talk about top heavy! *splat* Later.

I AM old!

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I ended up resting most of the day. I guess I needed more sleep than I thought. In any case, I did call my friend. His foot hurts but for various reasons I won't go into beyond that, he didn't want to go out. I am really worried about him if there is almost nothing I can do. In any case, I did take the multi-tool over to him. It is sort of a mix of birthday and father's day gift. No, I don't see him as my father or such. It was just a notion. He did like it a great deal. And it is rather well built, sturdy, and it has a great deal of real function to it. I just stayed for a bit, chatted, and watched him tinkering with his gift.

I had thought to do shopping. The city, however, is bedlam central. At first I just saw that it was busy, which was enough to make me reconsider shopping. Then I started taking a closer look. Bikers, mohawks, tattoos, police stops on just about every street several blocks to either side and including the main drag and all up and down it, blacks, greens, purples, meaning many out-of-towners, and some of the ugliest crowds I have seen in some time. Sure, a typical summer night for Iowa City, but I had not seen this type of group since then save for typical Ogden and Salt Lake City crowds in certain areas. I thought everyone mistook the 4th for Halloween. This, perhaps, only means that I am old? Perhaps the world has completely shifted away from my understanding of things? I simply don't know.

I may have to try to shop tomorrow. I will need to see when some of the coupons I want to use expire. Perhaps the daylight will send the vampires and werewolves back into hiding. Not that I can't brave them, merely that I would rather not. I suppose some say I am Frankenstein, or currently a chubby cousin. But I don't have it tattooed on my forehead, along with biker boots, leather pants, and a mohawk. That's all I'm saying right there. I've thought about a mohawk, but a more controlled one. So, maybe I am a monster too?

I am thinking about the hair cut I'm about to show you. I'll show you a picture so you know which guy to look at in the Youtube clip in which you can see the 'do' from all sides. You think I should go for it? The character is Vaako, from "The Chronicles of Riddick" movie. In case you didn't know. (He doesn't win (in the movie), but he already got the girl (and keeps her) and doesn't lose too badly. About my score, in a way, at my level of "play".)



Here is a look at the 'do' from various angles. It might be too much work, but if I could do it with reasonably minor effort, I would sure like it. I think? Maybe not so old? Well, if I go forward with it. *grins*

What is the 4th of July, you ask?

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I am sure most know. Some really don't remember or know. But here is the answer, in part.

We, in the United States of America, those of us happy to be citizens, celebrate July 4th as the day in 1776 when we officially signed the the Declaration of Independence from Britain. The delegates of the thirteen colonies of the time decided two days before that date to create a declaration and then spent time getting the words just right. Politicians, after all, even then, were politicians! It is said to have been written by Thomas Jefferson. We were fighting against Britain at the time. I suppose this might have been a spiteful or legal or something act. I really cannot be sure and do not know with any great certitude, the infusion of "modern" history, leftism into academics, and real history distorting things. But it did make the notion official. I am not sure if or when it was presented to Britain. Don't get all upset about my interpretations, I am a grump at times. In any case, we won the war and took over our lives and the world has become a much different place for it. A better place if you believe people, rights, and law are actually good.

Now, we didn't officially call it a holiday until 1941. I can only assume one of our first socialist, progressive, communist presidents, however you wish to refer to him, decided to use a populist ploy to engage in union type work easing. As it turns out, he did something right for the wrong reasons I think. That is my view, which may be ignorant or misinformed but I doubt it. In any case, this is the day of our declared release from colonial status. We receive a three day holiday to mark the occasion. Fireworks, picnics, games, live bands, and patriotic themes are part of the package, for those who get into the celebration.

I have rarely celebrated this holiday myself. No, don't get me wrong. I do love my country, and even some of the people in it. I am amazed at some of our early politicians, leaders, and commanders. I feel privileged to live in this nation, I am grateful to have served in the armed forces and wish I could have become a career man in the Navy, and I appreciate all that has been done for me and all the opportunities I have had and still have. I am just not all that social, perhaps due to my illness because I do like being around people. I usually only celebrated much of anything when I have had a woman type in tow. Or, actually, the other way around. A woman gets me into all sorts of trouble, like celebrating holidays, going to social events, having company over, you know... girl stuff.

Anyway, that is the notion. If from the words of a solid curmudgeon.

Oh, and if you want a look at what the original document actually looked like, here is a link. Two links, same place, to be accurate.

To those of you going out and celebrating, have a wonderful weekend! Enjoy a little for those of us who hide in the shadows but might sort of want to come out and play. But mostly, enjoy for yourselves, for your family and friends and fellow Americans. I hope you have the mostest fun ever, and remember why you are having fun.

Up and at it, early.

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I 'could' get a lot done today. I am not sure if I will. I slept yesterday and was able to sleep last night, so that is good. I just have to climb through the morning slumber to see where I am. I would like to finish the mowing and dishes and find out how to cool off from there. Then go in and pal around at the grocery store. How lame is that? *smile* Ah well, for today and after some various yesterdays, I'll take it. I'll be sure to wear my boots and try and help get them broken in this afternoon, whatever else I do.

My weight is stable, at a 3.4 pound gain. They wanted me to gain 3 to 4 pounds. It was uncomfortable to do, but knowing I could adjust and had access to more help, for certain, and quickly, plus a doctors appointment, all allowed me to take the risk. I sure didn't want to. I definitely still don't fully trust... anybody or anything. But they are talking to me, not just assuming I will do whatever crazy thing they say without comments, questions, doubts, and taking my capacity for change into consideration. I'm not just a medicine depository... or a child. All good. And I do feel a bit better today. Not like before, those initial weeks, but better than the last few days. Time to begin doing my part.

About pushing though. Here is the thing, and I will discuss this with them, maybe they know. I don't just "get" manic. When I push, as I long suspected, that push can get stuck into all-out forward flight. I hit some mental or physical 'gear' and I can't slow it down. My guess is when I was younger I could stay stuck in that 'gear' for days. I don't think it is, from what I have read and discussed with psychopathogens*, what mania from manic depression (aka bipolar disorder) is about or how it works. This is a personal push in some kind of 'psyche echo chamber'. So, I am going to have to watch how much I push. I honestly can't control it when it starts. But I can negotiate before it begins. I'm not sure what the cutoff is though, and with my delicate condition, I probably shouldn't hit that accelerator too often. (*my term for psychiatrists and psychologists, officially stolen from Andrew Dice Clay)

Yes, things are making sense, becoming clear, starting to take form, shape, and substance. I am, again, becoming something other than a cartoonish type character, at the very least to my own mind. I don't know how long this will last. Perhaps this is just another flash in the pan. A hope to be dashed as I either die or return to zombie-land, cartoon land, or... whatever. You can't blame me for holding out some hope that this IS the solution I have been awaiting. I am taking it slowly. A year will let me know more certainly. A finished degree in engineering will tell me I am close. Five years as an engineer and I might not even remember, save bitter-sweetly, these times? Let me worry about today though, let me stick to now and maybe tomorrow, and what is on my schedule, and short term goals. I will think the long term over again in a month... or something.

Have a good day.

Well...

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I asked D.C. to post that for me as I had been tinkering for a bit with no success. I was starting to think blogging was done until I got my (hopefully fixed) computer back or miraculously found a breakthrough. As it turns out, after trying this, that, the other thing, and one last hail Mary... boom, touchdown. At least I wasn't in a panic, as sometimes I can be. Sometimes the internet and blogging is simply all I have. Currently I have a bit more open to me, but I like my little place, kooky and interesting and real friends here. It looks like I am back. Oh, the solution to the problem? Clearing all caches, bookmarks, etc. and closing down on accesses, etc., through my browser. I almost rolled my eyes at the suggestion that this might do the trick, but... what the hay and here I am.

My fluids seem to be pretty high, my weight is getting close to going up to the 5 pound up limit, my cough is back. It is not painful, just annoying but that isn't important, it is that the cough is connected with water retention. Now, I am still adjusting my fluid intake, trying to lower it to minimum necessary for reasonable comfort. And they did want me to take on some fluid, so perhaps I just have to go through an uneasy adjustment. I won't say I trust them. I will say I am trying my level best to allow them to make the adjustments. I have just enough sanity back to take some risks and to attempt compliance. I know I have solid people to call at a moment's notice, some of whom I have met, and I will be going in for a full review in a week. I don't need to be feral in my reaction to perceived threats. I have, through that first regimen of medicines, seen that there is a safe place (if it is not safe in the long term, perhaps). This... is new. And I think it is good.

The medicine change and fluid build up have put a damper on my forward momentum. Which, as I have said, is fine. I will go through these times. I am not quitting, even for the moment, but I am having to do a lot less and do what I do a lot more slowly. It actually feels good after last Sunday and on into Monday. That was a hard push but I didn't have a chose on the one hand, and I didn't want to waste the time and energy available on the other hand. I think I might be able to sleep early tonight.

I called my friend to see if he wanted company tomorrow some time. I couldn't guarantee when I would be in and I didn't really want to make a promise. Somewhere between noon and 21:00 I suggested, would be when I arrived. He suggested that would be fine, but perhaps a little later so that it would be cool. I asked if he wanted, perhaps, to go shopping or have me do some shopping for him. He thinks he would like to get out and do his own shopping. I am hoping the smoke house type restaurant is open tomorrow. If so, when we finish shopping, I'll put a carry-out order in after we finish shopping.

Life is certainly changing. Without the fear, perhaps paranoia, and while gaining a bit of trust, life looks different. The song "People are Strange"..., when you're a stranger... Only double, triple, or quad down on that bet. When you are tired, confused, have poor memory, and have combat experience (streetfighting type), it all combines into a nasty goo. Too weak, disheveled, incoherent to others, and disorganized to make real sense of the world, but looking like you know what you are doing enough that the wolves don't truly eat you, that has been life. Always on that edge. I am still many of those things. But I see the possibility that I might make it out. And more, I see what "out" means. It all sort of finally makes some coherent overall sense to me. And there is a chance I can make it.

So, what is up with blogging on other topics? Well, when you are dieing you can say whatever you like. What are they going to do, kill you? But if you aren't dieing, and you have some even slim hope for access, success, career... They can make you wish you were still crippled. And, they will. I have to consider my words much more carefully from here out. Perhaps I can get a pass on the past (not really, but possibly, and in some instances). But I can't get a pass much longer. Yes, thought before word. That's all. Mostly. Though there are other things I wish I had not stated. I thought, even though I didn't really know I was dieing, that I was done... with life, with school, with all, and even as far back as when I stopped going to school. If I can survive this situation, I now have some small hope of going on to something substantive. Maybe not a real career or even my hoped research and development position, but maybe a decade or two of humble engineering work... and a civil social and religious life, perhaps even a familied life. Now I am, again, responsible. If I get those under my belt, and just want to die, then I can begin where I left off here! *grins*

Good night. God's Blessings, and prayers.

Bloghell

Due to either a computer bug or being banned, or something, from blogspot, I haven't been able to blog or comment regularly lately. That seems to be getting worse. I will be checking on my computer, being payday, as I am still using a loaner. I am not sure how to get all this working again, maybe it will work itself out in time. For now, blogging is mostly postponed if I will still try once in a while. Unless everything fails and I simply am no longer able to log in or post. At some point I guess even a dunce quits banging his head against a wall.

(Thanks for posting this for me, D.C)

Hmm.

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I don't think the new medicine will work out. I am feeling the lungs fill. I'm not choking for breath but I am coughing more, again. And... I can tell. I've even been taking in less water. The problem is, at the level of diuretic I was on, my kidney function was showing up as a problem. I guess we will have to tinker with things. Still, I will take this regimen a few more days to give it a chance.

I did the dropper of oil last night, in my ears, to begin moistening them for my attempt at home ear wax removal. The suggested time was a week of drops and then trying the bulb syringe and water to extricate the plug. Being dry here, I have considered a few extra days of oil treatment. But that it is oil and not water, perhaps not. I simply am not sure so I am thinking a week will be fine.

Sleep has been unattainable. I am not sure if the change in medicine, the change in weather, or something else is to blame. I will simply go a little slower until I can sleep. It is frustrating because the kitchen is almost done. Another good day and I will have the dishes licked. As well, another decent day and I will have the mowing completed. Plus, I would like to haul the construction materials to the coop for the roofing project before too long. I had hoped to have that completed this week but it just didn't work out.

I have seen, now, a more complete notion of what type of situation I am in. With advanced heart failure, or congestive heart failure as both names apply, in my condition (and very roughly as each individual and each trajectory of the illness is unique more than some other things) I have a 30% to 40% per year risk of death. If the medicines, at maximum, do not increase me to at least above 25% refraction ejection, then heart transplant (which I won't allow, nor bypass or open heart surgery), or some device installed (which I also won't allow), would give a very likely scenario of being put in palliative care. Even that I wouldn't allow until I am in as bad of shape as I was just in which would only occur if medicine stops helping. So, all of my apples are on the medicine cart. Well, that and my new found ability to do more, and my interest in working out, walking, biking, and whatever else I can get into. So it is pretty serious. I have faced worse odds, but like everything else, each new trial is it's own. I simply hope it all works. Then again, death is actually easier. Why I fight it, or they seem to want to sort of fight for my life, sometimes I can't be sure. But, that is my task. I guess they see it as their job.

One thing I am adding to my day pack is a set of eye covers, a "camp" pillow, and a flashlight. If I become exhausted on a hike, with those in the kit, I can always sack out for a while off the path. Just in case I push it a bit far and need a rest. It gives me a fighting chance to either get back or make do until the next day, along with some snacks and water and the rest. Same goes for biking. I'll bet I have a smaller blanket to. Well, just until I know how that all will go.

I have been avoiding blogging. I am writing about my condition, and some of the things I am doing or trying to do. But I am avoiding snark, cynicism, negativism, and some other things, mostly. I am avoiding excessive commenting. I am avoiding most other things. I don't want to become a simpering wuss feel-good guy, I don't wish to become a yes-man, but I don't want to continue with the ham-fisted, whatever I have been, either. I am not sure what else there is, so I'll read and try to just stop at that. Oh, I'll figure it out. But for now I will be keeping it simple and dry. Some of you have given exceptions, so I know that. Don't worry. I'm talking more about on the big mojo blogs, like at Vox's and Ace's and a few others.

Good night.

A more restful day.

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Yes, I took it a bit easier today. I had to push pretty hard to stay up, and then worked hard Sunday evening. Yesterday I was still feeling the push. I was able to redirect it to less strenuous activities. Today I tried to do less and do things in more of a controlled manner. If nothing else, if I am not careful and show constraint, besides risking health, this whole event may just be called mania. While in some ways it is, who isn't a bit naturally manic after having been stripped of mobility, breath, and even clear thought, and finally gets those things back? Only a fool wouldn't be greatly relieved, excited, elated at the returned senses of freedom. But this is not mania, of the psychiatric notion. Perhaps that exists for some, perhaps all of psychiatry is a false notion no more true than tea-leaf reading or astrology.

The bike was not in, I had misread. I did pick up what was in. I called my friend, who I had wanted to check in any case. He is in pretty rough shape. The doctors think they may have to amputate more, not just more of his foot, but up above his ankle. While there is no serious infection, it is merely a matter of time. His foot has open sores but is getting no real blood flow by which to heal. Only his diligent tending has probably saved him. At this point, if he thinks that will work, I think he would be glad to see it gone. He is suffering terribly. They gave him two units of blood, with iron, again today. He has been in greater and greater pain for over a year now, dealing with his foot.

I suspected he would be both tired and hungry so I brought food. He paid for his, of course. He doesn't like just receiving stuff. I also let him know if he needs me to pick stuff up or grocery shop for him, that I will gladly do that. He doesn't like people doing things for him, but right now his choices are slim. He knows he needs to eat more, and he has things for caring for his foot that are a long way away while his mobility is weak and painful and it is getting so very hot. I know the bit of not liking help myself. Well, he has my number and I will be stopping in a bit more often. He doesn't really think that when I was down and he called and got me out that he was helping. It was and it did. This isn't payback, but if it helps his mind to think it is, that works too.

I keep running into problems when telling people about my heart. By all accounts, I really am on death's door. I really haven't seen a good prognosis, but then I don't fit with the rest of what is supposed to be happening. I look and sound like a very healthy, robust if sporting a minor paunch, middle aged man. I have a mild to booming voice (when I get excited, hear a good funny, or get a bit peeved). My hand shake, it is easy to see, could mash a lesser man's hand and handle all but a rude strongman's grip. But I am failing, hard, fast, and I am deep into it. Friends and family ask a bunch of questions. Even doctors... wonder, ask, doubt. Could the tests be wrong? I'm not sure what to tell them. I am not sure what to think. I just don't know. Their fear sort of rubs off. I can't promise a thing, I don't know. It is so odd to be so bad and finally feel so good (if by good I just mean not ill, breathing easily, able to act on thoughts and natural impulses, not confused, not perpetually tired).

Ah, the bad feelings. Right. I think the word that sums it up is... cavalier. I have, and to some extent remain, way too cavalier about way too many things. Well, that was the bigger part of it. A new ability at insight, empathy, sympathy, and some other things causes me to question what I have done, said, and written. It's a big hit to my ego. Yes, listen and read a lot more, speak and write much less. But honestly, I am not sure I can truly overcome that flaw. I will find out.

Good night.

Things are changing.

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I am not sure what all is happening with the body, but even my mind is changing. I don't understand it, either, not fully. I don't know if this is a phase or an end result or even just the beginning. At first it was a bit unnerving. It is not quite like I am growing another appendage or spewing a foreign language or a lot smarter or more stupid, it is more like a lateral shift in mood, sentiments, and reasoning. I think it is for the better. Ah, what is happening?

For one thing I no longer feel perpetually stressed. I have always felt harried, as if I were late for something, expecting trouble (as in fight, war, etc.), pressed for time. I simply always felt tight. That is relaxing. My body can now use that stored energy to do little and big things, perhaps more as it becomes used to being a functional part of my life. I was tired yesterday after working so long and hard the day before and then the early long trip after not sleeping. But after a little rest I still could not just sit... with things everywhere around me to do. So I began straightening my room and my bathroom, going through paperwork, and piles of things. Nothing fancy, not hard work, but doing real things. Sorting paperwork and items used to be painful, confusing, and didn't get far. I suspect between hard work and sorting I will have a kempt home in much less than six months. Yes, different.

And more, I am able to remember things somewhere between a little and a lot better. I still remember my neighbor's first names, the ones I met recently. Now when I go through for a car wash when I fill up on gas, and I get the number to put into the device which accepts it which is printed on the gas receipt, I can look at the seven numbers once, right after filling, and drive over, do any wet brushing of windows and bumpers, and still remember those seven numbers without looking again. Oh, I suppose it seems trivial, but to me it is huge. I used to not have the focus, memory, or... something. And... I have some hints that this is just a minor part of what might be opening up. You have no idea how difficult engineering school was because of this. I don't think I did either, or how easy it really might be, comparatively. Engineering school, however, will never be easy.

At least these changes aren't so scary anymore. They aren't frightening at all. I gain confidence that I can utilize my abilities more and more as I see myself naturally doing what I suggested I might, in the better ways. While the blog has been hijacked by me and the medical condition lately, it will be back at some point to other things. For now, and still, the sun, moon, and universe I know boils down to me. I am at the beginning of growing up though. The hope is to become a viewing port on the rest of the world rather than a local troubled phenomenon alone of itself. Baby steps, biking, hiking, and meeting people will see me to a new place, I hope.

Oh, right. There is something else I meant to write. With the good comes a little rain. With an increase, I think, in reasoning and some... other things. I realize I have... not been as good as I could have been. My responses to things have been harsher than needed, smarmy, critical. I haven't for a lot of recent life, been able to see, in a more right or religious or something way. I sometimes could and probably still can only see things one way. And, I am both humbled and embarrassed by things I have said and written. I don't know, but perhaps in time this will improve. I remember... much. I understand, to a degree, why. Much like a wounded animal which bites even helping hands, I see that too. But it doesn't modify the shame much, most people do not know how wounded I am, or was(?). Even the doctors don't see me as sick, and they KNOW I am dying. My writing doesn't show it, if it tells it sometimes. But, this pain I feel from my life... is good too. Is there ever growth without pain?

Have a great day.

Should I have said that?

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Oh, I was flying high today. Not in a mania, as I am often accused, as I have suggested I was going high and fast because I was needing to push to do both what I need and be where they wanted. I've got a deep accelerator sometimes, I was able to access it today. In any case, I had suggested I would like to get married, should I make it through this. There was some back and forth, and somehow it was wondered if I had already found the woman. Nope I suggested, but if I start doing better and am more sure of long term health and living, I will begin looking. Then a quip about finding a good Catholic woman who can pole dance. You would have thought I said I would be selling my woman on the streets or something. I don't think they thought it was funny. And I enjoyed it the more. Oh well.

A good nap, refreshed, for now. The couch was simply not going to offer comfort so into the hot room I went. Laying down it was lights out for... a long while. I am hoping to get to bed earlier tonight. I have rearranged my medicines after the changes, saving the old stuff just in case I need to go back on it. After a few changes, I will back off of needing to have my hand held, a bit. If they earn my trust and I don't just fall off the earth to them, or into a medicinal or symptomatic rut I can't escape, I will be able to just be given a tap on the left, right, high, or low of my "helmet", like a machine gunner by his spotter. This might work.

They have to know I'm a 'doctor killer' of great fame and power... in my own mind. And, my reputation does seem to have proceeded me. The younger guy seemed okay with me, at first, or maybe he was just not showing it. But later on, things changed. The senior doctor wore a thin layer of civility and masked any intent. But he has as much use for me as he does three-day sun-ripened anchovies. I am considered a mess and possibly insane, but not the scary type. If I were a woman, they would call me an hysteric. (They change the name of that diagnosis from time to time to try and baffle the recipients but if you understand the word, you know what the diagnosis means, literally.)

Why does this work, and now, and it hasn't in the past? I don't know. Humidity, altitude, security in my home, vitamins, I simply don't know. And, further, I don't care. I am trying no harder now, actually I am not trying at all. I actually think they still want to give me lisinopril. My doctor suggested I "should" be able to tolerate it, as it is a close medicine to losartan. And, to a degree, they are similar, but their mechanism is very different. And... no. I won't take a proven failure. Is it cheaper or are they trying to get everyone to take the same pills just for a fun experiment?

The younger doctor suggested, that perhaps since this has been a long time illness, and that the recent medication seems to be helping, that perhaps my illness has been there a long time. Now, he may simply have read my blog, saw that story, and wanted to feel out my notion to see if there is anything to it. Uhrm, I don't think he actually believed a word of it though. I just got the feeling I was being handed "intellectual rope" by which to be allowed to hang myself, or he was looking for... something, in truth. In either case, he lost that train of thought and didn't seem to even want to be in the same room with me after having initially seemed reluctantly cordial. But... I don't care. I don't need cordial, I need on-the-same-page, if I have to choose.

Oh, fine. The blog marathon should be winding down. My bicycle and most of the bells and whistles have arrived. The boots and such are here too, but the post office does not deliver and UPS seems to go through the USPS where I live, and USPS doesn't deliver. I could, technically, pick up my bike tonight. Not likely. I doubt if I will finish the dishes, sweep, take care of boxes, or... I might, I do mean might, go from the chair in front of the computer to a place in front of the stupidifying tube (television). I might crawl in and find food. My feet HURT, my back hurts, my upper body skeleton hurts. All will feel better soon enough, but for now I just want an easy rest of the day. Actually, I'm... getting better. As I wake the pains seem lighter. But I do need a day off. I pushed very hard.

Tomorrow then. Have a wonderful afternoon, evening, and life.

If I heard correctly.

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What I think I heard was an actual measure by which to know how bad my heart really is. It is pumping 15% of capacity. No, it isn't quite as bad as it might sound. I asked specifically what percentage a healthy heart pumps. It seems a healthy heart pumps at about 50% capacity, meaning my heart is actually pumping 30% of what a healthy heart should pump. Well, now I know.

I was dead set against them changing ANYTHING. I spoke with a lady who deals with us scruff-abouts, and we discussed what I am on, how I am doing, and such. Then I talked with, I believe, a fellow or intern or... something. And then the chief came in, there are two of those and many of the others... I think. They, I thought, wanted me on more carvedilol. I thought I was speaking plainly, but... probably not. Being up all night, having done a lot of work, still in a bit of pain from standing and working, the drive, and all else, perhaps I was speaking too quickly or they didn't understand or I misspoke. I was sure they had asked me to double my carvedilol last time. In any case, a bit of information was given. Some discussion went forward, and... I caved. I agreed to changes as they presented why and because I can call them 24/7 and more I will be going back in only a week from today. I will take the risk with that kind of coverage.

They are dropping the hydrochlorothiazide completely, cutting the furosimide to 40 mg from 60 mg, doubling the potassium intake, and the losartin is being changed to also be without the hydrochlorothiazide (and maybe raised a bit). They say I am about six pounds shy on fluid now. However, they don't want me to gain more than three pounds, so they want me to weigh myself each morning, take my blood pressure, and write it all down. If I gain five pounds I am to call them, at which time they may readjust my medicines again.

They backed off from pushing the angiography. It seems a less likely culprit. I know they want to get in there, but... I want to see what medicine can do first, since I don't know and they don't definitively know either. Gladly, there was no confrontation, no arguing, no bickering. The flow of the appointment was quite good. I easily made it there on time, I made the labs perfectly, was there and early for the clinic. Beautiful. Yes, that my friends is how to begin earning trust.

Oh, at the Ogden clinic, they had wanted to do a rectal. I said, in a rather certain way, NO! If I have cancer there I will simply have to die. No fingers, no scalpels, nothing but poo and only on the outgoing split shift. Oh, I also remember speaking with my last primary there about the ear wax. At one time she suggested olive oil. Well, that isn't quite what works. Olive oil, baby oil, or mineral oil (I think) are put in the ear a few drops a day for a week, then a bulb syringe is used with body temperature water to try and flush the plug. I have ringing in the ears, so I really want to try this.

On the way home I did stop at a pharm-mart and picked up a scale, everything for the ear wax thing, and an odd other item or two. The V.A. had offered me a scale, but when I went to pick it up I was told it would be another hour or so, that after seeing a pharmacy specialist to register to get my new medicines (but no medicine set as I had been promised either), then waiting to actually pick up my medicines, and picking up my travel pay (and again talking about my appointments past, they only pay for travel that day, all other disbursements are supposed to be mailed out but I have only received two checks in the last two (plus?) years here). Anyway, I got what I needed, save for a couple of med-sets. Soon, very soon.

It seems my bike is in. So when I go to town to pick it up, med-sets, two. I thought my hiking boots would be here today but it seems not. I'll be checking again on those.

Man am I tired. But my bedroom is so hot! I left the windows open and it cooked in there. Tired, hot, sore, but... I may just sleep on the couch for now. All good. Good night, finally. These marathon writing sprees must be murder! Ah well, don't bother trying to keep up on such days. Yeah, again, good "night".

While I was awake and as I started to collapse...

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Research seemed the thing. I can't remember how many loads of dishes or laundry I have done today. Only that it has been over four of each, the last two dish cycles have included four sinks worth, each double washed, rinsed, put away, and another load set to soak. I am, actually, nearly done. Yes I do have a lot of dishes. The laundry was more because I keep finding things I want washed and Sam finds new and interesting things upon which to vomit. Two loads of what I am really guessing to be six loads was clothes and towels, normal stuff. And I have washed two sets of towels through there, the ones I was using to dry the dishes. So, staying up while getting ahead, all at once. Anyway, I am absolutely physically dead so I started to research.

It seems snake bite kits might not be a wise idea. Of course, how well you know the kit, the snake, and such, that might make the kit worthwhile for that or other reasons. But it seems that a scalpel will probably only increase infection, the tourniquet may not impede the flow of poison and might increase the likelihood of gangrene, and even the suction cup might do more harm than good. I don't know, but I am looking for several more opinions before I decide on that.

Another topic of research was... ear wax. When I was seeing my last primary, at the Ogden clinic, she said something about ear wax. I guess I thought she was being rude or something. Yeah, I know, doc types often come across as rude. In any case, my new new doctor (there was one in between but he refused my case I do believe, and good on him) brought up ear wax. But this time I dug into that a bit, to see if it was just a put down or if there was something actually in there. My previous doc type wasn't all that talkative... I can be hard to handle though too. Anywhile, it seems they were serious. She suggested that the nurses clean them, they do that on Thursdays, and suggested perhaps I set something up. Well, I am sort of tired of doctors, nurses, and clinics. No offense, you'll know more directly when I am offending. So, tonight, I looked for how to do it myself. It seems there is truth that I shouldn't be using cotton swabs. And that what I thought was cleaning really probably wasn't touching the real problem. Though medical sites all say "YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT DONE PROFESSIONALLY, OR YOU WILL DIEEEEE!!!!". Bunk. I found a site that offers a reasonable explanation of what the ear wax buzz is all about, what to do about it, and it seems reasonable. More than reasonable, I am going to try it. I just need to purchase a few very minor items. I will be picking those up on the way home. I forgot to buy the medicine sets anyway, so I'll pick those up while I am at it. Actually, what he suggests makes the notion of the nurses doing it in one day seem somewhere between implausible and unsafe. Yeah, I think I'll put my own things in my ears, thank you.

I am quite sore. Getting sleepy too. But it is time to go. I'm running just a bit late but it should work. Out by 5:30, I hope. Have a great day.

Still writing.

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It helps to keep me awake. My plan is to shower about 4:00, spend an hour drying and waking, then start driving by 5:00 for the blood lab and then the clinic at 8:00 then 9:00. I am hoping that is early enough traffic won't be a problem, but I doubt it so I am giving myself an extra hour for the drive. I haven't seen the morning rush, but afternoon rush hours can come to a stop and then crawl then stop etc. for many miles of road. As well, I won't feel so rushed.

Dishes, lots and lots of dishes done. These last dishes are the least fresh, perhaps of course if you follow logic. I am not only soaking them, I am then washing them twice before drying them and putting them away. It obviously will take a lot more time. One more load of laundry to wash and dry, I think. My back is killing me. I really wish I could take a couple of Tylenol. They sure helped earlier last night. Blood tests, possibly fasting. Oh, and boy am I hungry! Odd, considering I am seeing some rather unsavory remnants in the dishes. But hungry is the only term reasonable, though if I go by feeling I might suggest I am starving. I will definitely have a fine breakfast or lunch tomorrow as soon as I can.

Oh, right. I am unsure whether to take my medicine or not. I hate that. I think with them, when I visit, I will ask. I am pretty sure they will be doing a stock set of blood tests when I visit, so it should be standard. I hope. I am doing my level best to let the doctors have their way, within understood limits. They don't like have limits, then again, neither do I. They shouldn't argue with success though. Then again, lowering my blood pressure might not be seen as a success, only a step in it, to them. Still, I will absolutely have to hold them to a line or they will absolute flood me with medicine again, and it will fail. Have zero doubt.

On to the last load of laundry. For my rest times, I have been playing Duke Nukem, Manhattan Project. Yep, gaming, working, and perhaps I will through study and exercise into that routine before long. I'm doing too much today, I know. I will need some down time, so the new coop roof will have to wait until next week. I will continue on my home, cleaning, sorting, storing things. I will probably get the materials out to the coop, I think they will fit inside until I am ready, so that part will be done and it is a big part of the job if an unskilled part. But I will be going at a slower pace. I simply was on a roll and had to be awake anyway.

Later. I hope you are sleeping well, right now. I would, in a very non-literal way, like to join you.

Swinging from the chandeliers, making a monkey of myself.

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Well, not quite that. But I am back on the work program. I did finish the lawn, as I said. Then I took a good long rest, after dealing with the laundry. After that, a couple of pair of loads of dishes and two more loads soaking, four if you want to include two sets of small loads soaking (it's wonderful to have two double sinks), another load of laundry through both machines, the dried items folded and put away or hung up in the closet. And I actually don't think I am done. I DID remember to take my medicine. I did not remember to eat in time. I am not sure if they want me to fast for the blood work tomorrow. So, by default, I will... this time. After midnight, nothing but water or coffee, black. Bleh.

Since I am in the swing of things, I will simply continue to work. I am not sure how many more dishes I can finish tonight, I might be able to get them all. Doubtful, but... I will finish all my laundry. Which reminds me, my life is changing. I used to have a bit of a mess, because I would hang or drape clothes and towels everywhere, not being sure how long between washes, I had to conserve. I am realizing I don't have to do that anymore! Oh, I know, you must be crossing your eyes at me. Don't, I really couldn't pull, yank, push, or otherwise extricate my head from my ass enough to do laundry regularly. Seriously. Clothes, sheets, blankets, whatever... as soon as I wear it or Sam pukes on it, in the basket it goes and reliably twice a week I take things in and through the system. With the washing machine I now have, I could probably do single items without worrying about using too much water, wasting soap, or anything else, or simply it being too much hassle. I am keeping that machine up. I dry it out manually when done and then leave it open to air dry the rest of the way. Wouldn't have worked all that well in Iowa, but here... magic.

Clothes are finding regular places, as are other items. I the last time I 'fell down' I was just getting to the point of fully rearranging my bedroom, and stowing all things in there properly. The notion being, after the bedroom, the living room, then the kitchen, then every room eventually. But I am catching up enough so that the notion is coming back. You just have no idea how different life is now. I honestly haven't seen this good of living for decades. Even with the slight downturn recently, I think I am digging up even when I have my 'falls'. A 'fall' now is relative, only less of an increase, mostly. My increase, too, is measured. If I think I am going too fast, I will slow things down. An hour break, maybe two hours, maybe a day or three off. I only continue tonight because there is now way I could wake up, if I could sleep, in such a short time.

I am already a new man. I may go on to become even a new man from this point. If it is to be that I die, I absolutely don't mind. I am hoping God has seen fit to see me here long enough to try and juggle a wife, some livestock, a horse, and a few other things in there before I go. If not, I'm... not so sure I might end up being quite grateful too. :p To find a good woman is the trick. I figure I will look for a good one then get her trained for pole dancing. I am assuming it is a lot easier going in that direction than finding a pole dancer and making her into a good woman. I think. I might be a new man, but I am still... just a man.

Good night, for your part.

Mowing!

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Not as much as I had hoped this first run, but I finished half of the back yard. I don't know where I mowed last time, but as it turns out, mowing where I am mowing is a lot more difficult than weed whipping. That'll put some pepper in my nose. It may have sprinkled, but so far that is all. I do hear thunder, I think, from time to time. I don't really care if I can finish the part I started. The other part, though much smaller in area, will be much tougher than even what I am mowing. It will wait for another day, no matter. I have decided, after mowing at the highest setting of the wheels, that it will be enough. And this grass, unlike some of the weedy or hay-like grasses, will not need raked. The small remaining area will need raked though. I figure, once I finish these areas, a week after I am done I will mow the whole area again, with wheels on high, and then think about whether to cut the grass even shorter. As for me, I like thick plush grass to walk on.

Another load of laundry has been done. I would do another couple of loads of dishes, but I am racing the sun and need a break. So, those will wait until mowing is done. A couple more loads of laundry and dishes, the mowing, and I will probably call it a day, loading bullets later if I feel like it. I have an early appointment tomorrow. Though not technically an appointment, a walk in clinic, I don't know the hours of operation or best times. If early is quickest, early it will be in any case. At least I have a little slack if I am running late.

It is not just medicine that is improving, come to think of it. Making appointments, I have been phenomenal (especially for me). Something is changing, whether short or long term only time will tell. It isn't that I didn't try before, I just... couldn't always go. Sometimes I would lose track, other times I really couldn't get off my buns and go, in a more literal understanding. And I would get so locked in and closed down I couldn't think to call. No, by the way, they don't understand. Not at all. Funny no one has smirked about that, even at this date, lately. They used to love to beat me over the head about that, too. Whine, grump, complain, rinse and repeat, them and me. Frag. Ah, but it's a beautiful day, rain and all, and I am... winning. No, really. No tiger blood, mostly, and I am certainly not a alien space superstar either (probably), but... Winning indeed.

Have a great day!

Update: It was a tie. The lawn, the sun, and myself all finished at just about the same time. I saw that, though I won't go over the lawn on low or rake, something was needed. So, I ended up going over the area a time to two extra, depending on the particular area. It looks good. Now I need a good long rest. Hmm, no, after I fold a load of laundry and get those machines going again. Yes, then a break. Until that is done. Dishes... I will just have to see. Tylenol down the tubes, though. All good, again, all good.

No! But, maybe.

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As I was tinkering around the house, putting a load in the wash and gathering other items for the next load or two, I noticed it. Clouds, heavy, pregnant, and filling the sky. Rain? It really could be. Maybe it will be a short rain, if it rains. That might help cool things off quickly and yet not mess up mowing? I can hope. I was planning to mow an hour from now, so it might work. In the meanwhile I did another load of dishes and set two more loads soaking.

I had thought my recent falling had set me back to nubs in my goals of putting my castle in order. Not being able to press ahead is depressing by itself, but to add falling even further behind while being down just adds grump to whine. There was little I could do but watch though. That is until the last few days when a window of opportunity opened again. After getting back in the saddle, I see that my efforts were not wasted and I have not fallen nearly as far back as it had seemed! I am still well ahead, and the slippage has already been tended!

The first night, it was, well, night. Yesterday was a bit off for a number of reasons. Still, it was taken up by an appointment anyway. Back on track today and it is all good. I suppose from sitting for a bit, the aches from minor efforts is back. Like last time, working through it and Tylenol in the worst cases should see me back to being able to function without thought or pain for a while. The longer I stretch my windows of opportunity, the more I can reasonably do and get done, the better. Having the bike will give me something tangibly different yet still physical to do once in a while. Work, rest, ride, rest, play... well... play is rest or can be. Variety. I need to find that local college catalog. I might have to apply for medical training, and perhaps welding, this winter. If I can get them at two days a week, and the same days to cut down on travel, I might just go forward with those. I would love to find more about classes on the short wave radio, too, for a near future endeavor.

After doing what I can today, tonight I would like to load a couple boxes of ammunition. Perhaps I will try two different powders, just to be a bit different, slightly above minimum loads, for now. I won't be packing them tight unless those prove more accurate and I can't move forward with testing until I buy a chronograph. Then I can get down to the science of 'bulletry'. Oh, I know, it is just a silly thing in a way. Then again, it does cut shooting costs (per bullet anyway), it is hands and mind "on", it is a real scientific and engineering practice, and it provides things that go "bang". Hey, all of those are right up my alley and I can do it all on my schedule. See, see?

Even if it rains too much I will simply redirect my purposes and do more in my home than I had planned. I still haven't dealt with a bunch of empty boxes, I could do more neatening, and a bit of sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, and... hmm, where is my duster? Nah, I don't have enough stuff to dust to need a duster. A dish cloth should do nicely... should I decide the dust actually needs to be removed. Doesn't dust have rights yet? At least according to the U.N.? I'll be it does. Still, if I was a little more on the go, I would probably violate those rights, if nothing else just for the violation part. I best not see any blue helmets on my lawn should I do so. *evil grins*

Well, another bit and I will check the laundry. The soaking water might be cool enough to begin those dishes too. Well, maybe not. Tinker time. Have a great day.

Lower credit card interest?

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Did anyone else just get a call suggesting a stimulus related Obama package which promised to lower their credit card interest rates to 4 something percent? The call, the one I received, was a pre-recorded call, which gave such a promise, then suggested I hit "1" to continue. I abruptly hung up the phone, of course. Oh, and they said this was my "final notice". Hmm, didn't get a first, second, or any other notice. The bastages! One can hope it was my final notice.

Why am I writing this? Because if it sounds too good to be true, it is. One call, last notice, anything to do with Obama, and you have never heard of this "benefit", you should hang up too. Just... a warning to you all.

Hot day, good day.

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It is cooking out there. I woke rather late, which is fine. Sleep was fantastic and I needed it. Whatever else might still be good or bad, health-wise, that I am much more frequently actually able to do more than become unconscious for some number of hours is huge. My sleep recharges me. I wake refreshed, to varying degrees. And often, like last night, sleep was completely real, I got from sleep what everyone else usually expects. Beautiful!

While still in the waking phase, and that still takes an hour or two, I believe I can get to things again. A couple of loads of dishes, while the my world cools, a bit of straightening and neatening, a load of laundry, all light and easy and slow as I am still a quite limited. That and I want to save a lot of juice to get out and mow later. Absolutely beautiful!

Who would think a man could be trapped in his body for so long. It must be assumed by some that I want to be in here, or something? My bike is on it's way, my boots should be showing up soon, and I am looking for the two guide books for local hiking trails again. I might have to find the trailheads on off days, have some of them marked, and be ready to get out when I am able and quickly before I recant. Once out I will be fine. What are good things to take on short hikes? Water, of course. Perhaps a snack. Maybe insect repellent. Anything else? I will probably need to break these boots in, but I think I can do that by wearing them as daily wear for... a while. A week or two and then beginning hikes, I would guess. These are medium hiking boots, not for the heaviest loads or the roughest trails, neither is on the menu this year in any case. All good. Biking will probably be my real start though. Just a couple of blocks over, down, and then back. I have to regain my skills, strengths, wind, and such. I suppose I could just walk, but walking takes a lot more time to cover so little ground. I still feel... exposed... on the ground on foot and away from home. A bicycle is a vehicle, if more exposed than the Xterra it is comforting to a degree. Yes... I have... issues. Things are tactical, always, for many reasons.

It is a beautiful day. Whatever good or bad is happening in your life, I honestly hope you can take a few moments and maybe a bit more to... just see it. Have a great day.

A bit better.

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A nap, some food, medicine, and the warm fuzzy monsters to keep me company. I couldn't sleep very long. I knew going down that I would either sleep short or long. When I am too tired, that is the way of it. Maybe I will be able to sleep again in a few hours. It would be nice so that mowing might be in the cards tomorrow. My day is open, so whenever I can get to it, if I can get to it, will be fine. The mornings are preferred, being much cooler. But afternoons might just have to do.

I have definitely decided I want to wait on the coronary angiography, and I will definitely not allow them to increase my medicine. Actually, if my blood pressure keeps getting lower, I will cut the extra half of the carvedilol. As well, I think it might be part of what has shut me down, when I did agree to take that extra amount. I may have to tinker with it, and perhaps on my own, but only whether to cut that extra pill or whether to take it every other day. I know they will try to double or triple the carvedilol. They have been itching to do so. NO! With these stats, I want to see what time will tell. Risky, but then I've been in much worse shape than I am now. Push, push, push, push, push. NO!

If in six months to a year there is no improvement, then possibly looking at a small increase in medication and or angiography. So, why would I be going in to the heart failure clinic? For increased monitoring of the radical variables, like potassium and a few other problems, and having access to people who deal with this, people who can at least spit out the wrote on the subject and advise regarding activity level and such more precisely than my GP.

My friend seems to be in a bad way too. I know he has helped me out by pushing and pulling to get me to go out when I was sick. His is pain, though, so if I do something, calling to check on him and visiting may be all I can do for now. I have offered to shop for him, if he can't. He has refused so far. They keep telling him to bind his foot tighter and tighter and all the time and his foot hurts more. I'm not sure what is going on, but I have suggested if doing the "right thing" with regards to a doctors advice causes that much pain, perhaps the advice is bad. He is having none of my advice. He did try it a few nights, and it seemed okay or at least that is as I recall it from before this last specialist appointment. It's his foot, if he wants to obey and suffer, that is his choice. I don't think they will give him any more or higher doses of pain pills though. They might even begin trying to ween him back. That is only going to add misery to pain. I'll check on him. He does seem a bit put out with me, or... something. No matter, I do that to people.

It was nice to hear that the doctor had trouble reconciling my physical appearance with my medical record. No, I didn't mean I am handsome so much as I was bragging about looking good for my condition. That just tickles me. I think it simply annoys them, both that I do look good and that it tickles me. Which... you guessed it... tickles me even more. I suppose I am a menace to people's state of mind. Not that I try, but I do enjoy when all is said, done, and divvied up. Like the guy who gets a hole-in-one his first time out, beats the fastest team sprinter on a lark the last day of high school, or something, then enjoys the fame. *tickled bluish-white*

The last dose of medicine and I might be getting ready for bed again. Good night.

Hot!

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What a day. Tired from staying up and fasting, I headed out around 11:00. That was an hour later than what I had wanted but it worked out perfectly, in an imperfect way. I don't know if it was the heat, staying up, not eating, not taking my medicines this morning since no one got back to me until I was walking into the clinic, but I was feeling light headed and "odd". Nothing serious, just... not great. My friend was along to do some shopping. We went into the first place. He had a huge problem walking at any speed. His foot is extremely sore and he is exhausted from not sleeping or eating well. He ended up buying a book he had wanted. I teased about canes, but he actually did want one, and got one. Both of us were pretty much done at that. We decided to just drive to my appointment and call it a day at that. I arrived a half hour early, should have been closer to an hour early but traffic was mean, slow, and ugly. I dated her once, I think. Anyway, that is what I meant by working out perfectly.

My doctor was on the war path. I don't think she had seen my stats before letting loose. My blood pressure was... 96/66 and my pulse was 92! Anyway, she had words for me, about not "just taking what I was given", "not following orders", and something about sabotaging all efforts to save me. Then she asked why I wasn't following up with psychiatry and psychology. I had some fair words for her too. I told her my story, about over twelve years of experimentation with the quacks in psychiatry and psychology to no real net improvement, lots of side effects, one of them most likely being that the medicines perpetuated suicidal tendencies. I then lit into her on her side. I told her about working with a doctor for years trying to get the medicine right. Every time this, that, and the other doctor messed it up by overdosing me into greater dysfunction. Oh, she said, but with psychiatry, maybe things change. Sure, and liver cancer changes to pulmonary edema, I asked? Just how does a disease transform. Bunk. Then she said, about doctors overdosing me... well, if you had just given them a chance. Again I told her that I had allowed doctors five years and took what I could. But the medicines made it impossible TO take. She said she had no information going that far back. She lied. Because then she asked me about... what was up with my diabetes. Why I had it and then now I don't seem to have it? Huh? Your the doctor. If you don't know, why should I? But she quoted A1C numbers from the time she said she did not have data. No, no, don't junk with me. Man, these people are headcases. Lies, fibs, rumors... witch doctors indeed. Yeah, I remember.

Actually, after she got her bit out and I countered, I think she actually did step back and take stock. She, being liberal due to gender and indoctrination, will forget about stepping back... well... probably before I left the building. But she did learn I will not be pushed, bamboozled, stymied, or shamed. I can't be tricked, I don't forget, and I do think quite well. More than enough to hold my own with a memorizer, to be certain. Other than that, it went quite well. And, actually, I have no problems saying my piece, when it's right. Of course, it does seem from talking with her, that I really am on deaths bed. She was a bit surprised, suggesting that I don't show illness. I heard something in her voice. A catch. They really don't understand. She did write a scrip to be sent for more furosamide (water pill, sp?). That will mean I should have enough for a month and a week. Cardiology will make a final determination on whether to continue that, though I will strongly urge them in that direction.

The funny thing is, these doctors tell me all this is wrong with me and I am crazy too, then ask if I am working. What a gas. Truly, no, seriously, you can't make this crap up. They want their cake and to eat it too. Doesn't work on stone, steal, earth, fire, or any true thing... or me. They can't have either, in some ways. I'm not going to simply act sick. It is bad enough that I have to suffer from it. Bah! Bat-sh*t crazy, maybe. Wrong or healthy, no. But damn, for my condition I look mighty fine. And if I feel even this good, I don't mind dying if I might prefer a little more tinker time here.

No, not livid, lit up a bit perhaps. Chuckling like a banshee maybe. Half dead to be sure. Something about a serious heart malfunction, not pumping near enough blood, literally failing... pretty much failed actually. Oh, and the home sleep test I received did indicate 40% of the time I was below optimum oxygen levels. She didn't say by how much. But as I remember, that was indicated in a prior test in Iowa City, but it only dipped to 86-89% and that doctor said it wasn't a problem. Anyway, since I have no problem with the sleep device, I would consider using it. I still want to know more about the raw data and do my own research before accepting a machine. I thought she would know. I don't trust the sleep study place, it has a vested interest in hooking me up to (selling) a machine. Which is part of the problem with the medical system (all of them). Government or private practice, someone is moving and using money, which is another form of power. Consumers need to do their own research.

Well, enough of that for now. I need sleep, and my morning medicine. I'll take the rest of my medicine when I wake. Hot! Hot day, very hot! My home is simply cool. Stripping down to gym shorts and a t-shirt should help even more. Good night and good day.

A bit of work.

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Getting the trash out, this time, meant a complete sorting of the refrigerator and a some policing of the place. Nothing like heavy duty work, enough to bump my pulse though. I have two of the new litter boxes set up, with covers. After washing one of the old ones, I will be setting up a third box. With three litter boxes and charcoal filter lids, I am hoping to keep the odor much more tame and contained, same with their waste. Their aim is worse then mine. Even when I "mine" the worst of Sassy's leavings, it doesn't take the odor. Maybe this will help. She has been improving but... just trust me. Even twice a week of those stink bombs and you WILL figure out an alternative. Sam isn't going to like having even a swinging door on the boxes. I will find out when I get back from my appointment whether she could get over her aversion to the doors on the litter boxes.

While I was outside messing with the trash, I noticed my level concrete "porch" had accumulated a layer of last year's leaves. I could have sworn I cleaned it off last year, no... I know I did. Perhaps things from the roof through snow melt catchings? I don't know. But I did sweep that area clean again and I have my outside rug hanging over the fence to sort of... air clean, or something. Yes, I might be ready to work again. I would like to do dishes but, for now, not going to happen. I will collect recyclables next though, and take those out while resetting the container with a new bag.

No food until after 14:00, for blood tests. Fie, I won't. They asked me if I can do it, and actually I can easily But I really want to munch. I saw that I still have most of a chunk of edam cheese left. And some really tasty Italian snazzy style cold cuts, yet to be opened. And, other things. It is surprising, after dumping the bad, what good there is in a fridge sometimes. Mine, at times, has some of the most exotic items. Being on a budget, nothing too high end. But then, edam is $20 a pound, so it sort of depends on volume for some things, too. Hungry, darn it! Water or black coffee they say. I need to see if they want me to take my medicine, to include the potassium, regarding the blood tests. They have never quite given me a straight answer on that. I will probably have to ask the nurse herself. And she will probably want to ask the doctor. But, that is the way things work, so... Hmm, might leave a message before she arrives. Then call her around 9:00, sort of lube and push? Yeah...

Off to do something stupid but not very dangerous, I hope. Have a great day!

True Grit.

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At least the original version, with John Wayne, has been on quite a bit lately. And I have been watching it. Sometimes whole, sometimes just bits of it. I'm not really a movie fan-boy. Even the movies I like I misquote the lines all the time, and rarely know the actors or actresses. They aren't all that important. As I was watching it this last time I realized why I like it so much. The movie, in an exaggerated way, discusses my relationship with women. Not all women are always that fussy and I'm not always that "mean" (if you consider the main character mean). But it gets the point across. Heck, I even get a bit of a kick out of women when they are that way, when it entertains me (usually at some other guy's expense). Just... saying.

Feeling good tonight. Really good. If it weren't dark I would be out mowing. Like that first time I was feeling good, and it was night, I am right back there. Hopefully that means I can continue with my projects and chores. I am hoping to mow when I get back tomorrow evening. I can't guarantee it because I doubt if I will sleep tonight which would make it an extremely long haul. Then again, if I get back by 17:00, if a nap is needed and I can do a two hour deal, I might still get to some mowing. Who knows.

Down time was needed, it seems. Maybe even going off the medication farm then coming back on kick started something. Medicine, health, and life are just weird birds, we just don't really know these things. But now it is time to get to work. After mowing, I really hope to get the coop roof on. Oh, I know, I've been saying that was just to keep the building in order but you damned rightly ought to have known that meant I want to get chickens. Just a few, probably just for either meat or eggs (whichever is easiest to start). I just didn't want to out and out say it as I will never quite be sure I am ready for such an undertaking. If I do get the coop roof up, I will then be considering chickens as soon as August. Possibly sooner, but I will want water and feeding arranged before I even get the dratted fowl. Something, should I fail, will sustain them for a few days, reliably. I will also want to clear the area of some debris, get rid of the old roofing, and create a decent sized run and maybe a side area for a layer. Lots to figure out before I make purchase of that first bird. It starts with a new roof.

Darn but it feels to good to... well... feel good! I want to dance. Well, not alone. Bah, it means I'll have to go find my own Mattie Ross. Hey, even if she starts out an Angelina Jolie... trust me... I'll turn her into a Mattie before you know it. I take Shakespeare and turn it on it's ear. That's probably why when I'm near the artsie, fartsie, and Hollywood types I hear... "Philistine!"... Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, pilgrim. Har!

Just a thought.

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You know, as much as the Church and some wiser men among the majority of men have decided to back away from pornography, I have to think there are other issues which are at least as much of a problem. To be honest, sports worship, seemingly world-wide, is as offensive. The money spent, the time lost just watching other people play, the false worship. Yeah, I think sports is every bit as bad as porn, perhaps worse. The only reason porn is being hit is because real women feel they are losing to it. Getting less of what many of them say they don't want anyway, having their husbands out of their hair (hmm, might be a pun in there somewhere), and placating their men so they just... deal with the wives as they would domestic servants. Sports doesn't do (too much of) that. Look at the monsters sports has created, the damaged people who try for it it produces. I suppose it is entertainment, but... really? It's lazy entertainment at best.

Well, thought I would kick my fellows in the teeth this time. If you love your sports, watch em' all all the time, and don't mind dumping money you don't really have on things to watch better, trips to see more closely, and all of the gear, kit, and such... You are a sucker. I think it has been satisfactorily realized that P.T. Barnum never suggested that there is a sucker born every minute. And whoever did pen that was wrong. Hell, you are coming out like mini-gun bullets in a gallery of mini-guns!

Meh. I'm off to feed my face. Later or good night.

Another nap.

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Usually a nap helps. Today I woke up worse than when I went in. No funny stuff either. I would like to get back to once every month or three on that accord. No, just tired and grumpy upon waking up. Ah well, I probably needed the extra sleep. If I can't get to sleep early I may not get to sleep at all if I am to make it to my appointment tomorrow.

I did a bit of looking online. It seems putting bikes together isn't as bad as it once was. Bikes come much more together than they used to arrive, or at least that is how I remember it. Fiddling with the breaks isn't all that bad either. So I ordered the bike after looking at it for months now. I also bought lights, a mud flap, a carrying rack with bungee cords, a saddle container, pump, tools, repair kit, and some other things, even a bell. I have Goop, or whatever it is called and will use that too. I couldn't find an inner tube for that size, but will get one just to have a spare, when I can find one. All the bells and whistles, save a seat. I was thinking I might want a comfortable seat but didn't like what I saw there in Wal-Mart's online section (though have seen others I like in the store itself from time to time). I looked other places online at seats, they start at four times what I can find the one I am thinking of at Wal-Mart (in-store). I just hate that crotch doohickey, that sticks right into my junk. Never did like that thing. I told my friend bike makers must be sadists, which makes most bike riders masochists! I saw a seat that is more like a stool, no doohickey out there. It might be a girls type seat, but I'll take it if I should find memory matches reality after a week or two of riding as is. As well, my friend has one, so it couldn't be too femme. When he isn't playing the role of John Wayne, I am... so... there is that.

I'm hungry. A trip to town? Maybe. Just something warm fresh and without dishes piling up, for a change. Yeah, might pick up a couple of weekly pill sorters too. Later.

Hmm, I didn't die!

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I was actually starting to think I might not wake up this morning, or again. That was some weird doings yesterday. It sure looked like symptoms for a possible heart attack. I hadn't mentioned the occasional cold sweats along with the other stuff. And possibly I did have some. Hard to tell. For as sick as I am, people who meet me are rather surprised. I just don't seem sick I guess. I think doctors have a problem with that too? All symptoms are gone this morning.

If I am having some off days, one thing that has changed is celibacy is much more difficult to maintain. I was doing good, mostly, but when I started to feel a bit more chipper, than a lot better, and even as that has faded a bit, keeping a lid on things has been a severe test. One of the docs suggested that a man in just my condition killed himself trying to satisfy his woman. I didn't, but I should have told him that man was not in my condition. Unless he went for two hour back to back marathon rodeos. When I sin, it takes me a half an hour to an hour and a half and not back to back but initially I was doing that a time or three a day until I could rein it in. Now every other day... I... mess up, that using all the restraint I can summon. I've got some libido, even a good woman couldn't keep up enough to kill me. Doctors might know illness but they sure don't know one man from his junior counterparts. Just... saying.

A bit more of a relaxed day today. I haven't been able to budge on when I get to bed, but I was able to get up a bit earlier today. I still struggle with sleep a bit, but it is more manageable in that I can work around it by staying up longer if need be. Tomorrow I will probably be heading in early. I'm taking my pal along. Sometimes he likes to shop the reloading stores. He has a couple of things in mind, as do I. I'm sort of broke though, but there is always window shopping, books, or such.

On to goofing. I would like to get back onto dishes before they pile on back to where they were when I started. I never did quite get them done, just ran out of steam. Have a great day.

It's a good thing I didn't mow.

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I thought I might be able to squeeze a little work out of myself I just didn't think it... was wise. That was probably a good decision. No pain, in the chest, but the thumping is still mildly there. But that isn't the real problem. I feel like I am being squeezed, but that isn't quite it either. Perhaps just the opposite? I've never quite felt like this. I checked my blood pressure and pulse, all good. Even my vision is a little wonky. Thinking isn't extremely clear, actually just the opposite. If I didn't have an appointment Monday, I would be considering the ER. Something is just very wrong. I have to make sure they check my potassium level. I have been taking 20 mEq for nearly a month. Even being on two diuretics, that could be the problem. Too much potassium is very bad. Actually, I think I am going to look up symptoms of too much potassium and then crash.

This reminds me of after having run a 440 in high school. Only it is getting worse. Too much worse and I will call a nurse and see what she thinks. Maybe extra sleep will help. I might check a few other things as well, before sleeping. Oh well, just the way of sickness I suppose. On a side note, it is kind of interesting... I've never quite experienced this before. Good night.