Lamenting and eschewing advice.

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One friend, recently, in a discussion... realized I might know a little summit about summit.  I will do some digging to find more information for him.  Basically I know what I just don't know the technical terms.  I think he is in trouble and would like to entertain the peril, he just has some problems with it.  Another friend has declined my advice.  All good though.  It wasn't... really... advice.  It is what I think about some things, how I go about it, and... when I was saying "Wrong!", I should have been saying... "Yes, I see what you are saying, but that isn't quite my point with this."  Maybe he did get it and I just didn't see it.  Or maybe he really didn't get it.  I'll reread and think.  I think of it more as talking around each other, I think.  What was I saying the other day about me being an S.O.B, and just figuring how to be on the right side of it?  I don't think this was even being on the wrong or right side.  I was being an S.O.B and there might not have been a good place to be there.

As for any advice I do give, or seem to give?  It is worth every single penny you have spent for it.  And, even should it profit you, I would not charge.  So, there is that.  Further, can I be wrong?  I hope the hell I can be wrong.  If I am right all or even most of the time?  Fuggetaboutit.  We are in heapum bison poo.  Or... we are all going to be fine and live happily ever after.  Yeah, but I'm not just an S.O.B, I'm a moody one.  All I do here is paint pictures with words as I see things and try to... correct for incongruities in understanding what I have painted, not what is or is not real, true, or what to do, other than stating what I do, think I would do, have done, or might want to do or do differently.  I don't mind, sometimes care, if someone agrees with me or not.  That... isn't really my point.  Much like an artist who is painting an abstract picture wants it to viewed a certain way, when someone doesn't quite get it, at least someone he thinks can get it (is worth the trouble), he will try to... point the way.  He doesn't always do it in the most diplomatic of ways.  So it is with me, words, and ideas.  *points*  Ugh!  Go!  *point*  Ugh, ugh!  Hurry.

The potato salad is taking much longer than I thought.  I needed a bit of a nap.  I set up for it but couldn't sleep with potato salad on my mind.  I'm sort of shooting myself in the foot, time and sleep wise, but I sort of... I am doing what I can.  I realize, at times like these, that my idea of time and real time are two very different things.  I do believe it has to do with my internal clock running at 165 Tera hertz or 4 mega hertz.  I seem to either need to speed through everything, making time almost stand still, or I simply lose track of time and time speeds past me like the tortoise does the rabbit in the old tales, while I nap or... snooze awake.  I am getting there, just... not quickly.  I did need to do some cleaning first, mostly dishes, and mostly for a sense of having a space to prep.  But the water for the eggs is on to boil.  In about 15 minutes I'll check the water, finish the dishes, and go from their.  Whenever the eggs go in I will begin peeling potatoes.  Of course, in the next few minutes I really need to look at a number of recipes to see what egg to potato ratio is most common or believably best.  When completed, a bit of sleep until early afternoon.  I'd like the chicken to go into the oven no later than 16:00, which would give me, after the 45 minutes of roasting, an hour and fifteen minutes to fry three to four batches(?) and have everything over to the neighbors.  That... should work?  No, the chicken best go in by 15:30.  Hmm, even then, at max of say 4 batches, in an hour and forty five minutes?  About 25 minutes per batch?  Yeah, that should be fine, easily.  Wait, I don't need to actually cook the chicken, just crisp it.  Yeah, 16:00.  Never mind.

Later, or good night.

All and more.

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I did make it to my appointment on time.  I was a bit early, it turns out 13:30 was the time.  So, a bagel and coffee was had.  By then traffic had become a crush, so getting to my appointment almost seemed like it wasn't going to happen.  All good though, as it turned out.  I ordered a bit more hair goo, two jars this time.  That way I can replace one when I run out without having to... scrape at a mostly empty jar (though I will do that anyway, it's just that I won't have to go to extreme lengths to get every last bit out as I am now).  No, not vain, mostly.  It's just that if I don't use goop my hair looks so off that I have to wear a cap.  I don't like wearing caps unless I need sun shade or something.  Oh and I asked her to dine with me again soon.  She seems up for it.  All good.  Just... a little feminine company.  It's good for the digestion... usually.  :p

I then called my friend.  I thought shooting would be off but... he was pretty sure it would work.  While still mostly cloudy and a bit cool I agreed to it, trusting him more than believing.  It actually worked out quite well.  This time he got to shoot to his heart's content.  On the way to the range I stopped and picked up my pistol and rifle, ammo, and I finally remembered to bring my target along. Mine isn't quite as fancy, though I think mine is sturdier... sort of. The shoot was great. And I notice my pistol seems to be... off. If it were my aim I shouldn't be able to use a pug-nosed pistol or other semi-automatics well, right? My .45 with a 5" barrel is shooting all over the place. I'll have to... do some research on that. We were going to stop and eat but I... I suppose I became distracted. Anyway, I let my friend off and headed on to the store.

A big jar of pickles for the salad and just because, eggs, potatoes, and some other such. I do believe I have everything together. The chicken is thawed, it thawed much more quickly than expected. Anyway, that will be ready for a salt soak before baking then frying tomorrow. I hope to get a largish batch of potato salad done yet tonight. At least if I forgot something a run to the store isn't going to push me or the schedule at all. I also bought enough potato rolls and cookies, enough for one/two each, with extras. Milk was on the list, as were a few other odds and ends. I have been eyeing the habanero cheddar for a while. I wasn't sure I would be up to it. Pshaw. What did they put in there, jalapenos? Still, it was sort of tasty. Peppers in cheddar makes for a very crumbly cheese, other than that it was fine. Just... not what I had hoped for, feared, expected. Either that or my tongue is tougher than I thought. No stomach troubles either, though I don't usually get that (or other... pains). I've got to admit, that corned beef I cooked before was excellent. So I got myself another. It's in the freezer for now. Maybe in a week or two. A good meal on an off night plus sandwich makings for a week. This time with beer, since it's for me? Could be.

I am cooling down, after shooting and shopping. Another hour or two, as the home cools, I hope to get started on that. A dozen eggs, two? With as much potato salad as is needed for nine, I may consult a half dozen recipes, or one that is exactly like I like it if I can find just one. I just need to find some kind of general percentage of egg to potato. The rest I can do by taste without the need to cook more of something. A few of the boiled items, in reserve, will help with that too. Fried chicken sounds delicious, to me, with the rest, but... I actually hope it cools down before then. Hot chicken on a hot night is not as good. Later.

I had to be up!

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I didn't know if it would happen.  I had someone who was supposed to be by at 11:30 and an appointment in town at 13:00, I think.  But having to do something and doing something can be strange and exclusive bedfellows in my line of work.  I didn't get to bed until late.  Couldn't sleep until later.  And, yet, I made it.  Having a tomcat outside my window, meowling like he had blue-ball syndrome, at 6:00 woke me a bit.  Which caused the girls to bunker down even closer... don't let him in, poppo!  The girls got hungry at about 9:00 and were doing sorties over poppo for an hour or two.  I finally made it out of bed just at 11:15, using two alarm clocks, a tomcat, and two hungry girls as backup.  Just in time for a shower.  I want a shave but didn't think I would have time.  A bit of blog reading as I readied for the visitor, but he still isn't here and I have to leave in no more than 20 minutes.  All good though.

I don't mind someone else being busy, late, or forgetting.  I simply don't.  That has been what I have done for the last 25 years and I wasn't all that good at it before I got ill, at least disability worthy ill.  Doctor or dentist appointment?  Where, when, can I still make it?  Yesterday, you say... of last week?  Right.  Birthdays?  Forgettaboutit.  Anniversaries with lady-friends?  Huh?  Holidays?  What do you mean it's Christmas day already?  Seruslee.  NO CLUE.  So, I really don't judge, or get upset.  But if it's time to go, I go.

Haircut day, then to buy fresh potatoes and the makings for potato salad.  Potato salad will be done today.  Stored in the fridge, it should last just fine, and be cool, for dinner tomorrow.  I might grab some rolls too, just dinner type.  My poor dill pickles are... not so good.  So... pretty much... fresh everything save mayo and mustard which I have kept in good fresh supply.  I best get some onions, too.  I wonder if vidalias are in season?  After the haircut but before shopping I will call my friend.  It's damp, overcast, and cool if not cold, so shooting is probably out.  Perhaps he wants to grocery shop a bit though, or has new things on one of his hardware store or other mechanical needs lists.  Oh, and I argued him out of a sandwich at his favorite shop, we might go there today.  It's just... they don't put on much beef.  Order the double beef sandwich and for some reason you seem to get less.  I suggested vegetarians work in the place.  Hrmph.

All good.  But it is now about time to head out.  Have a good one.  Oh, it might be good to note that sometimes, against all odds, things do happen anyway.  It is good, for a change, to... be up, showered, dressed, and looking to be on time... for once in... weeks?  Yes, sadly.  Good day.

Oh, sure, I jazz.

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Women.  And I will until the day I die.  And, rightly, pleasurably, and (to me) hysterically.  But make no mistake, I respect an honest woman, wife, mother to no ends.  Still, when they get that funny 'mom with hands on hips' thing going on over a minor issue, talk about dying because I forgot the milk, or get all fussy and quiet or stern about... well... me, and what I do and what else I will do until the day I die, I just gotta laugh.  And, fine.  If I wanted things to work, I sometimes held my laughter for another time or just kept it to myself.  And I won't say I respect every woman just because she is a woman.  Won't happen ever.  Women can be just as wrong as men, and given a gravy train to social destruction, many have ridden that to national ruin.  The modern form of feminism is as poison as socialism, a form of it actually.  But a good woman is priceless.  Literally.

Cold, dark, damp day.

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I have no idea what the temp is, but along with the look and general feel, today is past a bit chilly and right into the wet cold only spring can offer.  With summer a seeming distant promise, but coming, the cold of spring just seems like an insult to one's hopes.  I went to bed at a reasonable hour but again could not sleep.  Staying in bed, however, is preferable to getting out of bed, missing sleep when it does arrive, and driving myself into a sleepless yet unawake delirium.  When it is cold, the bed is better.  Curling up under the covers keeps me warmer than even blasting the furnace.  On such nights I don't let the cats in.  I need sleep but know it will be a struggle.  I will need to roll and move and they do their best to hem me in.  If I happen to wake, after sleeping a bit, I often then let them sleep with me.

Even with the furnace up a bit, getting to anything is difficult.  I am sure if I could get started, I could really get some work done.  It will happen sooner or later.  I promised to make chicken for some people, for Saturday.  Potato salad and fried chicken, that is.  I have practiced a number of times so it should be good enough.  For this, cast iron is excellent.  A cast iron frying pan and a cast iron dutch oven, with lid, make for an easier large batch of fried chicken.  Potato salad is what it is.  I prefer it less sweat, more savory.  Some might even say a bit dry and bland.  Most seem to add sugar, sweet relish, and far more mayo than my way.  A bit of dill weed or finely chopped dill pickles and a bit of juice, salt, standard yellow mustard, and perhaps smoked paprika all to taste... something like that.

Well, I should try to warm up and see if I can get to something.  Later.

How to find a woman.

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I know, I know...  I know nothing.  Work with me.  And, I know, there are scores of scores of books written on the matter, more than that probably, even parts of the bible discuss some things about men, women, and marriage.  Sure.  There are Game theories, there is sage advice, there is what your dad told you, and your mom said this or that, too.  Most of that writing and advice has little to do with what is really the simple honest truth.  Those things are to... nudge junior out of the nest.

So, how do you find a woman, and hopefully on to a wife?  At least in these times, though I would guess this is the first, middle, and last method that has been used in all times.  First, you go out looking.  You see a woman you like.  One who fits your wants and needs.  You investigate whether she is interested in you, and available.  If that is a positive, you start showing up.  Often just a few words from time to time, sometimes not even that, just be there.  If, after some period of time you can still tolerate her presence, and she yours, then you get her to set time aside for you, with you.  That is about it. 

For all the things I have done or tried to do, it, in retrospect, has always come down to finding the nail that will hold what I was choosing to fit together, then... hitting the nail into the danged wood until it was snug.  You, by the way, can't really fix the wood once it is in place, so... measure twice (at least), hammer once.  (I have been engaged, before... Measuring, you see.)  Well, that is my plan.  The rest is just finials, trills, mordents, and such.

That is all.

My friend thinks...

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I ran into it again today, only instead of one it was a nest of young women.  Oh, sure, they might have been nice, or even competitive for attention.  I messed up, doing something that wasn't alpha type.  And the reaction was quick.  Still, I don't care.  They aren't... intended... for my part.  Besides that is very easy to fix.  Shut up.  Yeah, that's as easy as the fix can be, though I would suggest having a number of quicker and longer adjustments.  We screw up a lot, remember... 30 to 40 percent success, in and out of relationships.  It was three on one and I wasn't expecting it.  That's all I am saying there.  Oh, my friend thinks I am just seeing more than what is there.  And I will, and have, conced(ed), that could be true.  Just... there is a certain tone they get, a certain way they smile a little too long, a little too much eye contact, and more stuff with the eyes and lashes... I am not a woman so I don't know the whole gig.  All of those things are sent at the speed of light, then gone.  Any one to four of those means nothing.  A half dozen or more means something.  A dozen is like leaving the red light on.  They were young, inexperienced, but... don't underestimate even a younger woman.  A man can BE their career.  Hellsyeah.  I think I can spot a woman in season, or potentially in play, as good as any.  The thing is... I'm trying not to lead in too much as alpha-stereotype.  That is what I am avoiding.  And these... far too young, not quite right, as wives, I can see this.  Playing?  Liking, but they don't even know quite what they like yet.  Reacting.  Something.  But it's darned fun to play.  Or maybe I am being to cautious?  Dunno, yet.

In town, a bit of shopping, an attempt to get a haircut though that has been put off until Friday, a bite to eat, and home.  I had been talking to my friend about fish tacos today.  It turns out that is what was for dinner.  What I had in town just wasn't enough and enough time had passed, plus I wanted to offer them some money.  I didn't want them to have to bring it since I was arriving at an odd time, so I stopped by.  I ended up being invited in to eat.  A little company is always good.

I am ready to work.  It just isn't happening.  It is times like these when a woman, either offering her hand or well protected foot, might help.  Better, a bit of hand, foot, and tongue, on the good and bad side.  If a woman learns the reins, she can help guide me to more work I do believe.  I've had this kind of woman before, and I did like that.  Buy and prep, nag and tap the foot, and even from time to time demand that the work goes forth.  All good things, for man's work.  I helped her get the stuff done that I needed done to get to my part of it.  It worked well for several years.  If she could have had children I would have married her.  She would have gotten me through college, I think.  I've known some damned fine women.  Better women than I am a man, they just didn't... catch me.  Probably good, I still had some things to work out.

Bah!

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I went to bed at a decent hour, well, mostly.  At between 2:00 and 3:00 I hit the pillows.  I could not sleep all night, mostly.  At 5:00 or 6:00 or 7:00 or even later, I finally slept.  Even then it was spotty.  Another dream, can't remember it now but it was pretty nifty, as dreams go.  My friend called a bit ago, which woke me.  At least I was able to get up.  Moving has been slow.  A bit of reading and then putting this post together, all in an attempt to jumpstart the machine between the ears, in hopes it will get the behemoth within which it resides to grind the gears into motion.

A shower, a shave, and off to town.  I am running late, slow, sluggish.  Much to be expected but irritating none the less.  Actually, considering the sleep problems, I am probably doing pretty good. 

Oh, I keep thinking about the whole alpha thing.  I won't say that is what I am, or if it is, two things.  One, it is natural.  I have no plans when I meet a woman with intent, things just... happen.  Two, if an alpha is quantifiable, I won't always fit the index or algorithm.  I do things my way.  Alphas fail, often, too.  As pro's, batting a 300 is good enough, and the best only bat in the 400's, which means 60 to 70 percent FAIL.  That is just the way it goes.  Hunters know this, no matter their stripe or even species.  Lovers know this, too.  And, back with baseball, for the most part home runs are a fluke that simply leads to improbable expectations.  Besides, a home run will rarely win the game.  Just... saying.  Or... I yam what I yam, which is an inconsistent bio-machine attempting to use logic and non-logic to my best ultimate goals.  Given what I have to work with, not doing too badly at it, so far, either, actually.  Never mind.

Hey, look, bacon!

Have a good day.

It's about that time.

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I told my friend I would be in to town tomorrow.  I need to get a haircut, he needs a few things.  Then again, he may ask his sister to take him.  In any case I hope to be ready for a call.  I couldn't make it today.

The notion of a wife?

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Sometimes this thing still pops into my head.  Reactions from some women leave me wondering, too.  While I do have some notions, the truth that I know is when you dip your toe into that type of pool you never know where you will end up.  The simple, and even complex, relationships with women have shown me this.  Women don't lead, they influence... and confuse.  A simple drive to the store, and what you would do alone, becomes some... long drive to two or three stores, the purchase of the items you were after and food for a picnic, then a day out somewhere... rather than a quick pick-up, delivery, and... nap.  A simple kiss and pat can end up with you being in traction.  :p

I do need to be sure a woman is suitable.  To me, one of the most difficult things in a relationship is... the nothing.  It is being there, day after day, having little to say or do with or for each other other than simple duties and chores.  That can become cloying, dry, empty seeming.  That is where love is tested.  It isn't just her that has to be prepared for that.  If I seem more stuck in it bodily than ready for it, I know those times.  There is no way around it.  When you know each other as well as you can, you also begin to have... less favorable opinions about some to all of what your partner does or believes, at times.  In a day where "grin and bear it" is insufferable, is it even possible to have a marriage?  Yes, if you find a woman who has been taught these things.

Oh, and I was taken aback by that young woman the other day.  If you are asking if I would marry her, the answer is... possibly.  Does her fondness stay when time passes?  Does she know what having and raising children is from seeing it at home?  Does she know what insufferable, stale, hard bores men can be at times from knowing a father?  Is she strong enough to take her own positions when her conscience calls?  Does she know the difference between conscience and want?  Though I would be hard pressed to start such a relationship, if I saw the cues I would begin pursuing vigorously.  While I would prefer to protect such a woman, from... such a man... if the fates worked a certain way, I would do more.  But not in the original intent of such thinking.  Men her age, even older, are more interested in doing what I used to do.  If she is seriously considering marriage, I would be offering what she wants.  Of course, I would be her father's age, so... extended family dinners, let alone the initial introductions, would be quite... interesting.  Potentially fatal.  But for her, I would hold her hand through her father's funeral.

There are women, close and far, who have caught my eye.  I keep it... clean... in my mind.  I can't be distracted by the wrong woman or the wrong approach.  These things start in the mind, trust me.  I can't neglect myself, and if I am going to even pretend or more actually have care for this woman, I can't neglect her, either.  Until she is a wife, she is a sister... or... at least... fourth cousin, twice removed, through marriage?  Something.  She is general kin.  Or... must be treated that way.  When she is my wife, she becomes a part of me.  Things do... change.  Oh, you wouldn't think I would know this?  Fie.

Oh, sure, I fuss about women often here.  I won't even say I am fair, if I will say I can be dead on correct.  At least my assessments of various relationships are.  I would even say I have some things down better than any psychologist, preacher, priest, and most men, but definitely better than most women.  Simply by the numbers.  Knowing more women intimately than most men or women have known in such a way as to know their middle name... sort of lends perspective.  Actually the thing I fear most about taking a bride is knowing I will have to deal with her inanity as she grows up.  Women simply aren't logical, there is no more a guide that works for any of them all the time, or even some of them some of the time, then there is an algorithm that will get you rich quick in the stock markets.  Heck, stocks are much more linearly functional.  And yet, it is that grounding that... I don't know... lends to a new lease on life and adds a deeper, less selfish, perspective.  And beauty seen in no other way.  Every woman I have known goes through this.  It never goes away, from what I have seen.  I'm not sure if those are tests of love or hormonal issues, both, or even other things.  Of course, those times tend to end the monotony.  Hmm, that might be exactly what they are either a symptom or relief from... the required occasional boredom.  And... it can be cute should you keep your wits about you (and bite your damned tongue!).  Heh.

Never mind, just... thinking.  Thoughts tumble sometimes.  Hope blooms ever eternal.  And women are gorgeous creatures, more so when they forget about such things.  I have God on one shoulder, the devil on the other, and they are both pointing in the same direction.  Huh?  *Ruh-Rho!*

Good night.

Naps are G-g-g-great!

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Just an hour or two, a bit of it actually sleeping, makes for a perfect nap.  I still worry that a nap could morph into a giant sleep sink-hole.  Still, when it is required, it is done.

The weather seems to have evened off.  Though clouds remain, they hold none of the anger of nature they roared with this morning, that and there are fewer of them.  All good for a pleasant afternoon and on into evening.

I wrote an epic song in my dreams.  Good?  Well, it wasn't bad.  I even had the score worked out, if not something I could put to musical score paper, it was something I could have... sort of... hinted at in a demo.  All gone shortly after waking, and probably better for it.  What would I do with ka-trillions of dollars in royalties?  Oh, dream big ladies and gents, dream big.  No, my dream never went that way anyway.  I actually offered it up for free, with a few caveats.  One, they had to do it my way.  Two, if it became a commercial success then a little tribute in the form of gold would be nice.  And third, if it was really successful, and they wanted more, that tribute best be worth it and the next song would be negotiated based on all that.  I even had some Finnish or Swedish operatic goth band take the song and do it my way.  I never did get to hear it though.  Ah well.

Hmm, on to some work.

A bit of relief from the haunting feeling.

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Nope, so far everyone is still alive.  One more call, but the worrisome cases have been dealt with.  What a thing, the shadow of death.  Not for me, for you, my love.

The beauty of days like today is that there are constants, powerful ones, and yet much more.  The balance shifts between shades of light and dark, crisp vistas and fuzzy visions.  There is motion on a grand scale, highlighted in a way no more possibly potently than by the stone steadfastness of the seemingly impossibly stationary nature of mountains over and around which the movement is contrasted.

With a bit of peace I may now get on to something important.  The grass is too wet to mow, it has been raining off and on for several days, so that is out.  I don't want to mess with wet logs, so sawing is out.  I don't feel up to shifting the bedrooms around right now.  That leaves... uhrm... what does that leave?  ... ... ...  Oh, right, a NAP... yeah, a nap.  Definitely nap time!  I may have become a weakling but naps make it all better.  :p

Good afternoon.  Wow, and it really is afternoon.  Noice!

Shadows of doubt.

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That song, Silent Lucidity, really struck a nerve.  The chorus is what got to me, but some of the other parts added in.  I used to say, however heretically, 'Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for I am the meanest S.O.B. in the valley'.  There were always at least two things wrong with that, of course.  And I never believed anyway.  First, no one is that tough.  And, of course, you don't get to the valley alone.  Leaving alone, even if it all works out as one proposes, is a hard thing.  Anyway, I decided to make some calls, just to make sure some of those people for whom I have concern and contact information were still above ground.  A shadow passed over my heart, I had to check.  I have a few more calls to connect.  I guess I have too many whom are with me though I cannot see.  Too many.  Shadows.  Fear.

Perhaps, though, too... it is my time coming.  I don't fear that, as I have said, in the ways someone who has not been there fears death.  Much like someone who has never been in deep water might fear what will never transpire, who goes on to learn what there really is to fear.  Only, with death, there is no way to avoid the things that you might really have cause for concern.  If you fear deep water, and find real cause to fear it, you can avoid it.  And yet my fears are not that great, more concern than fear.  Well, and a bit of fear about that tearing that must take place to cause one to... slip away.  It can hurt, a lot.  Still, I will miss this ol' place.  I have grown rather accustomed to it.

That chill though.  It can be so powerful.  Even one successful call has put my mind to ease.  Just the musings, or remembrances, of a long lived, fully experienced, man I suppose.  Ah, all good.  It would not be good to live in a world without fearing the loss of loved ones.  That would mean one has no love, wouldn't it?  What could death hold that no love here would cause one to fear?

Later.

Not bad.

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Still, all truth told, getting up early is a matter of going to bed early.  Going to bed early has something to do with being able to sleep at all.  And being able to sleep seems to be a very small part science and a very large heaping dose of art.  That with me being a philistine in the matters of art (at least I can hammer a damn nail, though, though I suppose, technically, that... hammers the definition to a fine point).  I went to bed just before 2:00.  There was some rolling, trying to find the physical and mental spot from which to launch the great experiment called sleep.  I must have hit it pretty quickly.  Waking this morning, I thought the clock suggested it was 15:00 or something.  Well, and it might have.  We lost power last night and not all of my clocks are on 24-hour (as I would prefer them).  In truth I woke just after 9:00.  All good.

It seemed darker when I first woke.  Then again, here surrounded by a maw of mountains at this time of day, and being partly cloudy, the truth of the matter was deceiving.  While it is partly cloudy, there are large enough breaks in the overcast skies to clearly see blue, and sun.  More, the clouds aren't a mere bank of gray fluff.  They are a tumultuous tumble of weather beauty.  I opened the curtains first thing, I need to remember to do that more often.  There is nothing like the sun occasionally kissing the still white crowns of this peak or that.  The weather, mountains, wind, and sun all jumbled into large glass of vistas from which to drink in powerful natural glory.

Dreams.  Shark!  I dreamed of, 'somehow', being talked into parachuting with a group.  It wasn't a simple jump, chute, and land.  The idea was to parachute into the ocean, do some diving, and then retreat to camp for a bonfire friendly beach party.  Nothing I would ever consider doing, of course.  *nudge... to any considering this to twist my arm to get me to go*  In any case, it was going... swimmingly.  We all made it to the lz on time, loaded up, and headed out.  The ride to the dz was splendid.  Good conversation (mostly due to headset communications, planes being loud), friendly nervousness, and all.  The drop was fine.  We had a clear(ish) day, partly cloudy but in the 90% sunny range (or perfect in my way of seeing things).  I was the first one to hit down.  A good landing.  I don't know about the others because, as I landed and got my gear stowed... shark!  Not a little one, either.  Great white, I knew it by size and some other things, right off.  And it was coming right at me.

So, what do you do?  I have no idea, but what I did was to align myself with the top of the water, aimed right at the beast, and put my hands on it's snout.  I kept them there, and somehow kept my body out of it's mouth.  Just do it!  When it slowed enough that I could use my left hand, I began beating on that snout.  I may have grabbed for an eye, too.  It worked, the beast left off, retreating.  By that time the rest of the crew were in the water with me, and none too happy about it all.  Still, our boat would not be arriving for an half hour.  No one knew what to do, including me to be honest.  However, no one was stepping up so I interjected.  I had the women get in a tighter central circle, making sure they would use their goggles and snorkels to watch for a shark(s) from below.  I put the men on the perimeter, and went over with all of them what I had done (though offering no promises that what I did was right, only that it seemed to work).

I also suggested that any man who felt he could not do this join the women in the center circle.  One man did, which while I didn't like it, I would rather have only defenders who would defend on the perimeter, rather than have the shark charge the center and get possibly more than one woman.  The shark didn't come back during that time.  The boat arrived and I had the women board first, then the defenders, then the man who could not, would not, defend last.  As it was coming the non-defender's turn, the shark came back.  I actually did jump in to save him (he better not have been queer, I hate white-knighting that type of thing).  Oh, and I didn't do it just for him, I sort of... got a thrill.  It ended up that they were able to bring the boat around and help beat off the shark with gaffs and poles and such, as well the shark was not charging and had slowed to a mere crawl, so my work was much less exciting this second time.  Shaken but not bitten, I suppose, we went on to enjoy a long night of revelry of life.  I bet I got lucky.  :p

Never mind.  Just... if you are going to dream, dream well?

Later, and good day.

A break from the search, sort of.

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To be late, up late, of... course.

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Oh, possible confusion.

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You may or may not remember the song Heavy in Your Arms, by Florence and The Machine.  Many people go away from that with the wrong impression.  Or, at least one different from mine.  I actually have enjoyed such loves, and greatly, in the past.  I wouldn't want to marry into it, but for a time it is a rather romantic type of thing, somewhat exciting for a number of reasons (which you will have to figure out for yourself).  Well, at least if you can bear the weight of a recalcitrant woman.  I can.  Then again I'm sort of into the whole, real, goth thing.  Yes, very idealized romanticism come to life. Of course, there can be the downside. In this, click over to about 4:16, with the climax at about 6:46 (skip the overt hyper-pop-goth crap). Well, all I am saying is the two songs seem to... represent a unique romantic experience. Well, not unique, more like somewhat rare (and better that way). It was better than the No Doubt song type romance though, imho.

Shooting.

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I definitely need practice.  I did notice, today, that for me to hit a darned thing (with three-dot sights), both on my pistol and my friend's pistols, I have to raise the center dot a goodly bit, then play with it around there.  Even closer range targets.  What I absolutely have to do is put my foot down and get my target-board up, staple targets on it, and work it out at various ranges.  My friend shoots level, level, above the dot.  It is irritating to consistently miss  a can at 20 yards!  When I practice I eventually get back into hitting the durned thing every time, or close to it.  Target shooting, real paper target shooting, would allow me to speed that process up.  However, with the .22 rifle I can hit a 12 gauge shell out as far as I can see them, every time, give or take.  And I can pretty much shoot a can out as far as the effective range of the rifle.  *bink, bim, bonk*  Thar she blows, Captain.

I just missed the sun, getting home.  I was going to mow.  I will do that and the sawing tomorrow, and probably more.  I seem to be getting my feet back under me.  It didn't hurt to have a mostly sunny day.  Being cool  helped though too.  Returning my friend to town I believe I saw a sign say it was 59 F.  It felt a good deal warmer, but then the sun can fool you that way, even in the shade to a degree.  From the sounds of it we will get another day or two of sun then the weather will close in again.  Yeah, well, I best get the mowing done and the sawing completed and stacked.  I have other things one could say I should be doing first, but those other chores are either more time dependent or were on the list first.  Not that it always works that way, it's just that cleaning, sorting, searching, storing, and such is so stinking annoying.  I need to use some, if minor, real muscle, for a bit.  Maybe that will induce me to put up with more of the muscleless work.  Gahk!

I may get some sorting, storing, cleaning and such done tonight yet.  I'm... doing good.  Even just a bit of it would be nice, just to have knocked out and ready for the next little bit, or lot of work, whatever comes my way.  Work, for me, is like rain.  You just never know how much you'll get, how long it will take, or even the exact fallout from that.  Bah!

Later.

Target practice.

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My friend called and it seems he would like to go shooting.  Okay, I can do that.  He woke me slightly after noon, which was just about the perfect time.  No, I won't get mowing finished probably.  I will be doing good to get a shower, dressed, and there in a timely manner.  Probably.

My sleep is all weird.  I can't sleep for hours, and yet my need to sleep will see me in bed trying to sleep.  I can't do much else until I get some sleep, so, eventually, I do sleep.  Then I sleep for a relatively short period, then back at whatever I can do.  I do chalk some of it up to the spring weather we are having.  Gloomy days followed by bright and shiny days, hours, moments.  My nervous system simply doesn't quite know which cue to take.

My blood pressure is rather static.  Within a few points, it is staying right at 205/133.  That's... not good.  Hmm, when I get back I'll reset my two-week medicine cache, at lower doses.  I also will probably only start with two of my medicines.  I know which ones are important.  And since I have no signs of edema I can skip the water pill for the first two weeks.  I can probably also cut that a goodly bit, taking half of what I used to take.  For whatever reason I am drinking a heck of a lot less now, again.  Maybe the medicines make me extra thirsty, or something else was going on.  If I can manage my thirst better this time, I will.  Then again, when I first started those I received very high doses due to excessive edema.  This time is different.  I can sneak it in at a much lower dose.

So, what to take.  I definitely need to practice with the .45.  Lord knows my pistol has been a patient pup.  Thankfully she doesn't die when I don't feed her.  She also doesn't obey as well.  I'll need to retrain her to swing onto my target all over again.  My .22 rifle will be the other shooter that goes along.  I just love to shoot that one.  I doubt if I will need too much practice with her, though maybe.  I hope my friend brings his new 9 mm along.  I'm curious how well it shoots.  It points moderately well in the hand, if it isn't exactly quite my fit.  Then again, it isn't my gun.  As they say buy the gun that works for you, then practice.  Which is what he did.  I best get going.

Have a good day.

Ah, but first, for your listening pleasure...

Just the way of things. Mercy is only available after victory, innit.

Found it.

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Looking for a song for six hours, something that sort of got in my head but not well enough that I could more directly search it out.  The terms "white line" and "steps" finally got me there, but those only came to memory after four hours of searching through artists and songs that might be the ones.  And, no, it wasn't L.A. Guns.  It was Alice in Chains, the song was "Real Thing".  It wasn't even a great song.  Just... something that came to mind because of a number of unrelated thoughts while looking through other music videos.  Now I can go on to find other music, something more useful, enjoyable.  Unfortunately, now there is another song from the wayback machine in my mind.  Ah well.  I am going to try to ignore it.

My neck is still sore but the rest of me feels better. A little more work would be good but dinner is sticking with me. Two hours out and I am still absolutely stuffed. It wasn't that much food, either. It's the contents, most likely. Beans, ham, cheese, a lot of liquid, sour cream, along with a glass of milk, just doesn't digest all that swiftly.

It's about time to give my friend a call.  I would like to finish mowing tomorrow, though I think I could still make it to a shooting match.  Especially if I can mow early, taking a nap if need be.  Hmm, I might be able to get the second bedroom set up tonight.  I don't know about moving anything, or doing other work, but that would make life easier.  Cleaning the bathroom would also be good.  While it is true that I have not been doing large amounts of work I haven't ever quite stopped.  Even if I just do a spot of work here, a little organizing there, this and that when I see it and can do it.  I've been doing things very piecemeal.   Frustrating as that is, it sure beats a complete dead stop.  Though sometimes the difference can be quite slight, the truth is continuing is much better.

I hope to get to more things, back to Mass at least once in the coming week, a haircut or at least a trim, the completion of my room, at least cleaning it out and checking to see if the crawl space is dry enough to monkey around down in.  Anything else is a definite maybe.  On my maybe list is taking a hike, getting in to swim at least once, and perhaps completing the water heater installation.  To those ends I am thinking about heading in tonight to look at the carpet steam cleaners.  I may just do that online though, first.  Though matching up models online with what I saw in the store seems to be impossible.  Why do they show different pictures, or even completely different models, online at a price range, than what is actually in the stores?  Bleh.

Later, maybe good night.

More!

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I did get the last half of the back yard mowed. It was a struggle, I'll tell you. Still, I wanted to get more done. So I went to the other side of the garage and began. The mower was not just hard to push but kept dying. Oh? So I took a closer look at the wheels. The front wheels were all the way down. No guff it was hard. So, I raised those to a proper middling level and... the task became a breeze. I did half of that patch. No, no, I was quite truly done at that point. If I had had the wheels set properly to start though, I think I could have finished without a fuss. I think the neighbor boy will like the new configuration too. Could the wheels have slipped, did he or I goof up when adjusting them some time, did I just think it was better? I don't know. Fixed now, though. I would set the alarm and try again later but I think the sun is speeding too quickly into the mountains. I know tomorrow is Sunday, but... I'll finish that then, if I can.

Tonight? I will just have to see if I can bounce back. An half hour is fine for a first rest, but won't work this time. I need an hour more this time. Stupid wheels! But working was great fun! I truly enjoy when I can get to it. Monday, if I can get to it, I would like to saw the last of the logs. I am sure I have a few pieces of lumber, 2x4 type, which I can use to stack the logs on. And, oddly, I had a tarp blow into my yard recently that would be sufficient to offer rain shelter. It ain't pretty but it is pretty much whole, large enough, and some of the rope-rings are still on it. I knew yeast did this, but free blowing tarp? *grins*

I am getting hungry though. Oh, I do have brots... and I have ham and bean soup (and cheese, though I'm not telling what kind this time :P). So much to do, and I would love to take a shower today. Maybe after I decide about whether to move the bed or not. The thing about moving the bed, is... not only do I have to make the other bed, I also need to move it so as to even be able to bring the other bed in there. And somehow I will still need room for my dresser in there too. Oh, I'll get it done. If I can move an extra thick mattress up stairs that cut at a 90 degree angel, and which I had to FOLD THE MATTRESS IN HALF to even get it in the space, then feed it through that 90 degree bend, I can... do this. At least I don't have a woman chastising me the whole way. Oh, never worry, she got oiled. Way too much squeaking. I should have just laid waste to her squeaking right there but I was... busy. Never mind.

Dinner. Yes. Then I'll put an hour on the clock, maybe an extra half hour if digestion is still an issue. Oh, so far, about that contest between beans and cheese? Beans are definitely winning this one. No gas, the way I cook beans I rarely get gas (or a cast iron gullet, not sure which). But Beethoven would be proud of my movements. Work must make me silly. Sure like it, and the good mood after, whatever the case. Later.

Long and wet.

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I gave it a good go.  I can't do it all in one shot.  I did half of the back yard, so about a third of what I need done.  Wet long grass makes for some serious pushing.  I have set the alarm for 30 minutes.  If it is still light enough I will get out see about finishing the other half of the back lawn.  That would leave the East side of the driveway.  While it is about a third of the total area, the grass there is much higher.  Still, from what I remember, if it dries out before I mow it, the work should be about equal to what I just did.  Okay, I'm fibbing here.  Fibbing can make getting to it easier, then once at the task, pride or stubbornness or something kicks in and the job gets done.  So... work with me.  And it is only the back third of the side lawn that has gotten extra long.  Still working the angels, as you can see.

It is loverly to use muscle, finally.  I hate the sorting, picking up, decision making, and all that.  I don't know how women do that, but they really seem to have a natural affinity for it.  When I let women do that I often lose important (to me, and sometimes actual) things, but like the plover and the croc, it... works out just fine.

I thought about heading into town, but after the mowing, and feeling good about it, I may just stay home and make another dent in the bedroom, hitting the bathroom just a bit too. To that end I have sprayed the toilette with... stuff. A little muscle work and a little more sorting and some cleaning, just to keep a balance going. If I set up my second bed with sheets and such, I may end up sleeping in there tonight. If I do that, I may move the bed out of the main bedroom tonight. Even with good muscle, that task is a challenge. It is only a queen size bed, but everything is extra extra thick. The weight isn't so much of a problem, though it is a consideration, as is getting the springs and mattress through tight corners, avoiding snags, and such, more with the limited ability to get my body to the best swivel point do to just how things work out. It's a muscular geometry problem. Who knows what will happen today. My blood pressure was 205/130, but my pulse was a hundred (if I might have shot it up doing some goofing beforehand). I doubt if it takes much to elevate my pulse at the moment. When I finish working for the day, and rest for a good hour, I would like to check it again. Later.

Just getting up, really?

. . My sleep has been better, but in short cycles. I am still sleeping about half of my time, but now in two shifts a day. Oh it just happens. My friend called, several times I think, today. The one time I could actually move enough to find my phone I couldn't figure out how to answer it. So, I'll call him soon. I'll try to make my waking time more toward the afternoon tomorrow and call him tonight to let him know. I can... adjust my sleep, in these phases, just a bit.

I feel like crap. My neck hurts, my body is just sore, both possibly from sitting in one place for too long and from sleeping so many hours. I can't seem to break out of it, at the moment. I am going to try something though. I believe I am going to go out and mow what of my portion of the yard is left to mow. I don't know if I will get to it all, but when I start things sometimes the joy of the work just pulls me on through.

I suggested, in a reply in comments, that I suspect men, some men, give off a heady dose of hormones, pheromones more like. I have never been able to notice it, but then I'm not a woman. However I have noticed the scent of a woman. That is definitely heady. Women try to use feminine deodorizers for that. I must tell you ladies... it doesn't work. It simply adds to it, making it easier to notice you. Next time you want to try that, just write "ME" in bright red lipstick on your forehead. Cheaper and as affective. As women age that naturally seems to soften. And I suspect the pill pretty much kills it too. I must assume some men give off a powerful manly version of it. Actually, I am almost sure of it. Have you ever seen your cats, when they get that frozen half-yawn half-sneeze going on? Where they smell something and just become weird? I do that to my 'girls' once in a while. Either that or too many beans in my diet? I didn't notice it as much when I was young, but after about 30 years on the ground I started to notice it greatly. Where I live it is on the wind, unlike where I used to live. It is definitely a better culture here. A culture that... believes in life, birth, men, and women, as things are supposed to be.

Hmm, best get dressed for mowing, shorts won't do, and try to hit the yard before too long. I'll let you know if the work kills me... or maybe I won't let you know, so there? I'm going to check my bp before working, then after I have rested. Just... curious. Later.

Bedtime.

. . Again, again, it is bedtime that is. I'm down to sleeping two or three times a day. Or... up to that, if you are an argumentative woman type who says things in silly ways. Never mind.

I've been looking for a song I used to really like. I couldn't remember the exact words or the group. That usually keeps me busy for a bit. I think, think I say, the group is L.A. Guns. A hairband, but... rather a better one, or I always thought. I still like a few of the hairbands today... so long as I don't have to look at pictures of the bands when I do so. Not like most bad boy bands today are all that much better, long hair only now it's greasy or dirty or totally unkempt. Then again, I don't like watching most bands today, either. So, I find the group. Finding the song should be easy, right? Nope! Still haven't found it. I'm beginning to wonder if it is another group. I think, I say I think, I have the CD somewhere. The song has something to do with driving in the middle of the road, going down steps, something about the end of the line maybe? I didn't want to go looking for the CD tonight, still not up to much... can't go looking, actually. See, even the things I want to do, and which are in my mind and seemingly easily in reach... I can do little, physically.

I put batteries in my bp machine today. It seems I am running at about 133/206. Yeah, not good. But my pulse was only 89. Take what you can get, I suppose? No doubt, for whatever reason, my blood sugar is probably sky high. My guess is those are the problems. I really ought to get back on medicine. To be honest though, I best do that very slowly. No jumping back on like I have done in the past. A few days, or even weeks, perhaps even a few months? Fine, I can go back on at full speed. It has been far too long. One or two at a time, partial doses, see how that goes, then add it back in up to my liveable doses. Hmm, 206? That is only off my record high by about 10 points. It would be awesome! If it weren't. heh

Good night.

More game? Not really, but...

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Oh, well, that too.

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I made it to noon or so, but the weather had closed in.  I was getting hail here, very small stones, the ones that float.  Does that video remind anyone else of even the modern equation of the public, science, and politics at work?  The hail melted almost too fast to actually see.  There, there, there, where?  I called my friend, but as I suspected, the shoot had been called off.  Other than hail, and occasional rain, wind and cold had returned full force.  Up a bit longer and it was nap time.

I ended up sleeping quite a nap, three or more like four hours.  And I felt like just staying in bed.  I used bean soup to get me out of bed.  I saw a package of spiral cut ham remnants the other day, brought it home to add to the last of my beans, and it turned out quite well.  So, I poured some of that mix into a bowl and heated it.  There are some things microwaves do, do well, and which doesn't destroy the flavor.  This was such a case.  And, remembering cheese, I grabbed a bit of that.  Thinking more would be better, I added more cheese.  Actually, I thought even more sounded great, I went for another portion.  Well, there are limits on cheese.  Trying to get portions right in the throws of waking up probably isn't my forte.  Lets just say there is such a thing as too much cheese.  I found that tipping point, and raised two ounces.  Cheddar fondu with beans and ham, not bean and ham soup.  Still, when I am still mostly asleep, and hungry, and warm food is before me... a quick prayer and down the hatch.  All good, though the contest between the beans and the cheese in my g.i. may end up being long lived and epic.  *ruh-rho!*

The sun has been shining then running away in a hurry off and on all day.  Almost enough to confuse my system enough to cause a psychological condition not too different from what a merry-go-round used to do.  Oh well, I'll get over it.  By the way, while I was writing this I was wondering if kids even have access to merry-go-rounds anymore?  Before long kids are simply going to be bundled in safety wrap that doesn't allow them to touch anything (or reach, feel, move at any velocity) to keep them "safe".  Anyway.  Jumping from sunny to hard overcast, seemingly a dozen times just sort of got to me.  While I technically napped, I doubt if I slept more than a half hour the whole time.  Then again, I might have been dreaming?  No, I don't think so.

Hmm, later or possibly... good night?  Yep, one of those kinds of days.

The corner.

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I had been dreading "the corner".  It seems, however, that chipping away at it over the week and then just being able to let go and do has gotten the job done very quickly.  I even vacuumed the baking soda off the floor, though I didn't expect that to take long, I was more nearly superstitiously fearful of electrocution with that task.  That powder sure feels wet when it is cold.  After pushing my fingers past the powder though, the carpet was surely dry.  Or... was it?  Never mind.  Done.  I still have a bit more to do in there, but really only moving the furniture out is left.  Which requires finding the furniture coasters or seeing if the dresser will move well enough without them.  Moving the bed will just be mule strength, which is the easiest thing for me.

While speaking to my mother this morning, she indicated that neither of us boys always listen to her or respect her age and wisdom.  When a man, one of her peers, is around, however, things change.  True, yeah I see that.  Then I started to think.  I remember teachers in school, high school, female types.  Some of them could handle boys, some simply... couldn't.  There is a trick to it.  I don't know it, completely, as I only know my side of that equation.  I decided to run through it a bit, roughly, to get it... more set in my mind.

First thing, a woman shouldn't challenge a boy or male.  There may come a point where she has to become dominant, but that should be after she has the reins well in hand.  Getting squeaky or domineering before she has the situation in some kind of order is a great way to become totally incomprehensible to a male.  Or, even for women teachers or other non-kin, it will make them a sexual target.  Nothing like damsel in distress to bring out the white night (or wolf, or both) in men and boys.  We, as teens, had no clue.  We just reacted.  But as men, it means... shove her aside and figure things out because she obviously is in peril.

My mother wants control, or at least respect.  She simply goes about it the wrong way.  Cool things down, don't panic and become squeaky (or bitter).  Stomping of feet won't work, undermines the notion that she does know (even if she happens to know) what she is on about.  It's, at best, a mixed signal.  Men are not about yes and no in the same breath.  So, we take charge.  Right or wrong, that is how it works.  I will be working on this notion and try to explain it to my mother.  Most likely, in this case, she will feel hurt and annoyed that I am trying to "school her".  She is just as stubborn as I can be.  However, in time, with a little coaching, if she really wants some sense of being appreciated and given credit, she might come around.

Still, that whole seeming out of control and lost is one means of a woman getting assistance quickly.  There is a time for that.  I think my mother simply doesn't employ her tools right for a proper fit in the war of the sexes well, always.  She has a better soft-paw than a right-hook, give or take.  Still, if she wants to change that I might be able to help.  Oh, sure, it will never be completely functional.  Women simply aren't men.  If they try to interject when that isn't sought, chances of failure are good.  Her other trick will be to learn to pick her battles, then her strategy.  You can't be right all the time, even if you are.  It doesn't fly well.

That should... do for now.  I'll think on it more.  She can practice when she is here.  I will certainly be a fine specimen of boy/man for her to test these things on.  Huh?  Yeah, I said "Huh?" to YOU!  :p  On to a shower and shave, I think, if I can get it in.

Later.

Didn't get to bed until late.

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I got a call this morning.  Couldn't be sure what time it was, and I automatically answered it.  Quite a trick with the phone both plugged in and attached to... something.  Never mind.  It was my mom, and as I slowly figured out it was 8:30.  A bit of talking as I woke up, about something.  Then she said, "Oh, did I wake you?  I'm so sorry."  As I was saying that it was okay, not a problem, she burst into laughter.  She wasn't sorry!  Damned women anyway, cruel, I tell you.  Had to laugh though.  Oh, and she is almost through her second week of quitting smoking!  I told her, if she keeps it up, when she is out I will begin, begin to quit that is.  I will start buying patches for when she is here.  Rather than buying the lot all at once, I'll buy a few boxes of nico-patches per month.  I like to have a good head start on supplies, so I don't run out at the wrong time.  Namely, running out when I happen to be broke (or feel broke).

And, yes, it woke me up.  My body is just... set to be up.  I am tired, still.  I didn't get 12 hours of sleep.  But I don't think I needed it today.  Something is just... different.  It does help, too, to have the sun shining this morning.  When I spiral downward, healthwise, and the weather closes in on top of it, my troubles double.  It is just the way it is.  Hmm, some beans and ham sound good for breakfast, in a bit.  A little food in the gullet, but just a bite, seems to help.

I don't know what I can get done this morning, work-wise.  I'll try to do a bit.  But what I had believed was to be an afternoon shoot yesterday my friend believed was for today.  So, that is the plan.  I don't want to push my first day back on my feet, either.  Though I think I can get a good start on that remaining corner area this morning.  And, I finally realized that the carpet is and has been dry for quite some time.  It is just that the baking soda, when cold, feels wet.  I don't think I caused it to be wet by walking in the area at all.  After vacuuming and some other work, a shower and a trip to town.  An hour and a half has passed since the call, mostly wandering here and there, feeding the cats, and reading blogs and bits of news.  Time sure flies sometimes. 

Well, on to the rest of life.  Good day.

Hmm...

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Sometimes nothing is going to move forward.  Beating a dead horse doesn't work, and yet I do try that from time to time.  I am at a dead stop and I cannot force the issue, I can't coax the system, bribery doesn't seem to be helping, and even slow starts get about as far as the other methods.  My body is ready, or was.  Like a bloom, that only lasts so long.  So, what is the problem?  Focus, mostly.  I leave the computer with a task in mind.  I might make it to where the task is.  I can even start it.  Then my mind just drifts and I find myself right back here, sitting at the computer.  Oh, I'm over the "How the heck did I get here, don't remember doing that!" stuff.  I realize that a horse knows it's way home, even if it doesn't remember the way.  It's like the feet do both the remembering and the returning.  I never quit, I just know there are times where it isn't so much about quitting as it is about... knowing one's limits? 

At least life, itself, is good.  I keep trying to remember to open my front curtains, to get up when I can, to post quips and comments here and there, and to write from my perspective here on my home blog.  I do enjoy looking for new and old music, and videos I enjoy using song as a backdrop.  Humor is out there too.  I, of course, am a fan of Monty Python, more their movies than the series though.  I keep researching little things, such as tools, techniques (such as flattening floor boards which have warped), and cooking ideas.  And I still dream, real and awake types, from the reals of hiking and fishing to the surreals.  Just last night, or the night before(?), I dreamed of being an angel who came to earth and... got stuck.  I didn't fall, nor did I sin, I just (as an angel), came and for some reason couldn't go back.  I had to live my life out as a human, until the lifespan of my flesh was done.  I wasn't any more sure what would happen after that than... well... then people are.  I didn't have a guide, I couldn't just speak to the Father as before.  Should I find a wife?  Should I go to school and begin a career?  What to do?  How much did I know, how much did I not know, compared to others.  Quite an interesting dream.  I don't remember how it all turned out, just that ribeye, I decided, was quite delectable.  Oh, and Mary Jane So-and-so was quite attractive.  I think she liked me too.  *grins*  It might make for an interesting book, if not done by some secular humanist, and by someone with a good sense of humor.  It almost brought to mind leaving the service, the military.  A whole new and different world, different expectations, no more really cool toys, and some other things.

I don't know what to expect today.  I just woke up.  I keep planning on work, making little goals, and even getting little bits of them done.  I suppose I will find out at about bedtime what I was able to do.

Have a good day.

It just isn't working.

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I may be ill though.  Sneezing, stiff neck, headache, occasional chills, nausea, weakness, dizziness from time to time, and some other things.  A spring cold or something?  Usually I work better when sick, not this time.  The odd thing is, under the illness, my engine is still running well.  That makes it doubly frustrating.  Now my signs of illness barely show, but that is saying a lot for me.  Some people, when they are sick, show every symptom clearly and obviously.  You don't want to go near them, let alone work with them in an office or in school all day.  I don't exhibit strong signs.  I just know it.  I just can't get to work right now.  If I can get over this quickly I am pretty sure I can pop back to it.  And, I am still doing bits and pieces.  On the bright side being sick might see me to bed early.  I'm not sure I can get up all that much earlier, as that is the more difficult part of changing my sleep patterns.  Still, you never know.

I did more sanding of my heals, calluses, and a few odd spots of skin build-up on my feet last night.  I keep thinking I am nearly done.  This will be the third time I have taken off at least a quarter of an inch of  stratum corneum (each time).  I suspect some of it is regrowth.  The other part is that it goes deeper than what I had thought.  I would like to keep up with that.  Taking showers in softened water might end up helping with that a bit too.  I keep looking at other options.  Soaking your feet in an oatmeal/clay solution?  Even pumice stone doesn't cut it.  I definitely need a Dremel... or maybe a bench grinder?  :)

A bite to eat helps nausea, so I'm going to do something.  Adding to supper that was delivered, that will be enough for today.  Maybe a bit more reading here, and a little research.  Doing a few more tasks in the bedroom to clear it.  But mostly I am just looking forward to crawling back to bed.   Ah, the floor seemed dry enough yesterday so I sprinkled baking soda on it.  I also walked on it, finding a couple of places where it has warped a bit (no problems, there is a technique to deal with that).  However, walking on it seemed to bring up water.  Trying to vacuum even a damp floor is pseudo to very dangerous, with a standard vacuum.  Another day or two, and staying off that area, should see me to getting it vacuumed.  Although I must say I think the baking soda is doing it's job of absorbing the mildew smell.  All good, just... another delay.

Good night.

Moving at the speed of sound.

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Uhrm, in a vacuum.

I am still not being able to sleep until late, then waking late. Sleeping twelve hours has become the norm. The alarm clock does wake me, I do get up to fiddle with it, sometimes promptly though just as often a half hour into it's call. Though I can't get past just shutting it off or resetting it. Snooze is useless. I simply cannot seem to force the issue. I keep trying though. As for work, that... Work, if not quite at a standstill has slowed a great deal. One good day of work this week, so far. I am hoping to get more work done today, I just don't have the sense that it will be a large amount of work. I might, however, get my bedroom cleared. With most of the laundry handled and bits and pieces here and there done, I have the furniture and one corner of... stuff... to deal with. It isn't even that bad of a corner. It is the decision making regarding what is in the corner... this goes here, that there, these go together in this place, and so on. I do have a chance to have it done today.

If I recall correctly, renting a steam-cleaner is $35-$50 a day, a little less for half-day rentals, plus gas for getting it and returning it.  And, being that I will need it two times, if just half days, and just for this time, I am expecting at least $60 in rental fees.  I noticed, while shopping, that a smaller steam-cleaner with a good name (for whatever that means these days sometimes), for $80.  With only a small total area of carpeting, the size would be right.  Considering rental prices, hassle, and travel... owning might be best.  As well, not having to rush things, or have two rooms completely empty at a time, or having to do this and that all at once, buying seems... better.  If I can get a good tool at the right price.  I'm... thinking on it.

While I was out yesterday I had a wonderful set of experiences with women. Why some days are so darned good I can't say.  Though I must admit I very rarely have a bad day with women, if one or two women might be on a man-hater binge, most days my encounters with women are quite... pleasant. Young to old, I was being flirted with outrageously. Who is to say what was just kindness, what was interest, and what was something else?  I admit women are notoriously difficult to fathom in a brief encounter. Though, toward the end of the my time in town a younger woman seemed to be flirting.  Though, with younger women, one... can't initially always be sure if she is just being innocently young and sweet, exhibiting ignorantly the signs of flirtation, or if she is truly being flirtatious. But... there are ways to tell with any woman, mostly. Little things, cues back to her, her responses, and such. I can't even tell you what they are, only that... I have ways and means. Since I had, in this case, the means and opportunity, I tested. To my mind she definitely was willfully flirting. When she realized how far out I had led her though, she blushed and... got a bit frazzled.  Not angry, just... something. Oh, and she was beautiful my friends. A early 20-something woman any man interested in marriage or sex would seek. I don't mean cute, I mean pretty, and younger than the woman in that picture.

Anyway, I just feel better after such days.  The trick is to find such a one, age somewhat irrelevant (with legal restrictions and fertility accounted for, mind you), though maturity a serious concern, know she is single, and get past the flirting stage.  Oh, no, she doesn't have to be that beautiful.  A good woman is what I seek, as much as beauty, though there has to be... enough for a strong spark.  I wouldn't bother approaching a woman who would not fit that.  It is just that... a direct random approach is nearly surely going to lead to failure.  While the old notion of knocking on twenty doors to make a sale is an approach, that approach is only really suited to finding a lover, and more for those who are weak with the force.  Ha.  I'm done with lovers, as such.  However, one old truth remains.  While women are free to reject, they are not free to approach.  That is, and will always remain, a man's job.  I have never seen that work otherwise, save when the man is very weak and the woman is very strong, in an upside-down relationship.  But those can get pretty ugly and aren't my way.  I called those one-night stands.  Pump, dump, for good or ill I just don't work that way.

Yeah, well...

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I did get a shower in, called my friend, and was heading out the door. He thought doing some shopping would be better for today, he needed some things. Well, no problem, I had a few things on my list, namely a hydrant for my back yard and baking soda for my carpet, Arm and Hammer stuff, whatever. Well, he really did need to shop. Shirts, food, milk, cleaning supplies. No problem. It's good to help someone and it is usually pretty easy. I don't even have to work on patience any more, and can go a little slower now. We shopped a goodly bit, I helped him get his groceries and such in, then headed home.

Waiting for me was a very good dinner. I am feeling rather spoiled, to be honest. But... that's okay. It beats days or even weeks without food! Yeah, I've been there. But feeling better, now with the dishes done, and being able to shop, plus the food coming in, I am just now able to have at least a meal a day, sometimes two, and occasionally snacks. I think that is making it so I can work a bit more.

I haven't gotten much work done. No problem, I'm about to finally hit it. I had a busy "morning" and afternoon, but I feel good. I am not sure what I can actually get done, but just sticking my nose in it and doing is the only way to find out. I finally got a card for someone, too, today. I am hoping to get that out real soon. No, I mean it. Very time sensitive.

Up and running.

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Late, definitely later than intended.  But I got to bed late too.  So, no biggy.  Actually I was awaken with a doorbell.  The neighbor boy has time off from school, for good behavior?  Anyway, he thought it might be time to mow.  Good thing I went out last night, he had a cold sprite for his break.  I had decided, as incentive, that if I don't have a cold soda (non-caffeine mind you), that I would fork over a five spot.  Good incentive.  So, he mowed and weed whipped and it's looking good out there.  I told him I would try to get mowing in by Saturday.  I do the back part, or... usually.  All good.

Then I had a fellow stop by just before writing this.  He is a general contractor and wanted to check on my water heater progress.  I told him I was trying to get that done myself, and explained my... plan.  He gave me some tips about what to look for when I do get into the crawlway, what types of mold to look for, and how to deal with them.  I did suggest that I had some other work.  He can't work on the electrical, but I discussed getting my outside spigot changed and raised, adding a spigot to the other side (above ground, out of the side of the house), and asked about the kitchen wall.  He is going to do some things to just help out and gave me some good pointers.  It even seems as if some of my ideas are good.  Doubt is a terrible thing, only aggravated by ignorance.  I'll... learn.  As things come up though, I might throw him some work.  Garage door opener, anyone?  Yeah, I've been holding my breath on that one.  Make friends but throw what bones you have their way once in a while too.  Just like shopping local when it is reasonable, and sometimes not on minor things.

So, what the heck am I doing?  I don't know.  I haven't quite ever waken yet, I have just been going through the motions.  It's a crazy world, and I'm a crazy guy, in the more sane way though.  Just like you, if you might be a gal.  Oh, I know you are crazy too, if you are a woman.  All good, join the pack.  Enjoy a chuckle at our befuddlement, then get back to work?  Yeah, that's about it.

Hmm, shower, check on shave (gets too groady it goes), call my friend, see from there?  Yeah, but in a bit.  I probably would just be waking up now, left to my own devices.  Still, all good.

Later.

Late, but...

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If you can't sleep, you don't.

I've been thinking about some things.  Until recently, I wasn't even sure of how I might approach a woman.  You know what though?  When I saw one I wanted to take and made up my mind, the how, when, and such never crossed my mind.  And I didn't hem and hah about it.  I just, while talking to her, asked my question.  Oh, sure, I had cover.  I always did, always will.  A way in, a bit of fluff as ruse, and a way out if it all went wrong.  I also had little invested, save curiosity.  Now to find several women to approach.  The trick is being out enough to even bump into a woman I find attractive and then nailing down whether she is available.  I'm working on that.

The other thing that has been on my mind has been about children.  What do I want from sons?  Daughters?  About daughters I can be very brief.  I would hope to have girls who grow to be women, wives, and mothers.  Young women who remain virgins until marriage is the ideal.  I know little else about girls and women.  Sons though, yes.  I do hope to have at least one son who goes on to become a capable warrior.  Not a soldier, a man who can be given an objective, the tools and training, and can do what must be done, even if it hurts him in... the many ways hard things can.  What would I give him, what would I try to give him that would make him better than me?  A moral compass from the beginning.  A home to retreat to if needed.  Moral ambiguity can't be completely avoided, it can be... mitigated.  A second son?  I do hope for a priest.  Between those sons my life would be fulfilled.  And yet I know, children aren't born to fulfill parents.  Still, those would be what I would secretly hope to develop in my boys.  Two very different means of service and sacrifice.

I keep thinking about a song from days gone by.  And, I still agree with it.  There are songs like it in Country, top-40, and of course my fringe stuff.  But thinking of it as a potential father, the thing takes on a whole different light.  I would not want my sons or daughters following any of my tracks.  At least I think I could help that, if I could live long enough that they, especially sons but to some degree daughters, not be raised by their mother alone.  It's often potentially worse if she marries again, at least unwisely.  I would figure out how to stay above ground, too.  I've done much harder things in my life.  The song?  Ah, here.  At least this father could bang heads right back, and harder.

Interesting how life changes, depending on what side of things you are on? Good night.

Almost done for the day.

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I got a shower in.  I will finish the second load of laundry, which is in the dryer.  That will be two loads washed, three put away, maybe doing that other basket too.  I finished the last of the dishes, which will make for three loads of dishes done.  Most of the last load of dishes will be left to air dry.  The fan I could find is drying the bedroom carpeting (doh!  the other fan was right behind me, but one is fan is enough).  The bins have been pulled in.  I avoided work not on the schedule, despite a heavy temptation.  I tried a different cat food along with the pumpkin for the cats, much more successfully whether because of their hunger or a better pairing I don't know.  Little other bits have been done, here,  there, and everywhere actually.  I am well and thoroughly done in though.

Why was mowing so tempting, I wondered.  Then it hit me.  When I am running this well I would rather use muscle rather than... sift through socks?  Do dishes?  Yeah, yeah, it all adds up, but pushing my mower, sawing with the chainsaw or other power tool or by hand, hammering, nailing, ripping things up or off or down... that's what I'm talking about.  This... panzie shit is... well... it's just not what my body was intended to do.  Yes, crystal clear.  It is what I have, it must be done, and I am it.  So, that is that.  Maybe I will get to do some fun stuff before long.  Putting in the water heater is my reward, I hope.  Well, and taking the bed down and moving furniture.  It's all the little crap in-between that ruffles my feathers.

Tomorrow will probably not be quite as active.  If I can get the furniture moved out of the bedroom and complete the prepping for the living room for tear-down I will be happy.  And I best check with my friend.  If today was a booger, I will reset it for tomorrow if possible, to his schedule.  Another shower, hopefully in the real morning if this bit of work has worn me well enough to sleep a bit earlier and rise a bit earlier.  With the dishes done, the cat litter out, and my home opened up, there is hope that life will seem better.  Oddly, it really doesn't stink even when I miss a while with the cat litter.  Having three boxes helps, and they probably choose the less smelly of the three to use, automatically shifting which avoids odor build-up?  And, yes, my nose still works fine.  I can also tell when guests are here, little girls notice these things the most.

Supper arrived just in time tonight.  I had forgotten about food completely.  As I was resting here, in came home-made sauce spaghetti!  I tried to eat in a reasonable fashion, remembered my prayer, but then sort of... gobbled.  Quite good.  And being home-made, twice as good.  If more women understood what home-made means to a man, then applied it, there would be far fewer divorces and happier people.  That's for sure.  No guarantee, but... anything that improves the odds, especially significantly increasing the odds.

Well, maybe one more thing.  Though I will probably be going in to town tomorrow I want to get milk and baking soda tonight.  At the rate the carpet is drying I might be able to sprinkle the powder on tomorrow, maybe right first thing in the morning.  Plus, I just want to blow my town for just a little bit.  Supper will hold, though I might buy salami and cheese, just for being a good boy.  But MILK...  I need that.  And tomorrow I will be, probably, taking my friend around, and maybe shooting, and most likely won't feel like staying in town to do a bit more shopping after all is said and done.  You can't buy milk and hope it lasts all day in the car.  Nope, tonight.

Good night.

Don't mind me, just keeping score.

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As the alarm went off I was, mostly, ready to go.  I just had to finish listening to a song.  Up I went.  I wasn't sure what to do first.  The bins, I decided, and they are now in their usual places.  Then laundry had to be switched out.  I had a few towels left in the drier, the ones I feared would get moldy.  They are good (tested one while showering this morning, or they would have been washed again), so I folded and put those away.  I also cleaned out the bottom of two of my clothes baskets.  I have no idea what cats do in there, or why, but...  Yeah, glad I caught that.  I'll clean the other basket sometime soon, too.  I washed the dishes, leaving the plates and bowls to air dry but I like hand drying my silverware.  You can use the spoons to shave with.  That's just how I like it.  I did a couple of odds and ends between here, there, this, and that too, though they aren't coming to mind.  The little forgetme's of cleaning and regulating a home, things often overlooked even when I am running clean.  Still, a spit-and-lick now and then at least makes me feel like I'm... taking care.  Then I opened up all the windows.  It's 72 F inside as such, just right.

While I was outside the siren call of the lawnmower sang out.  I was sorely tested to let her rip and do a quarter of the yard or something.  Reason, with her soothing song, led me to safety though.  No, nothing wrong with mowing.  But right now, to get from point "a" to point "b", and it is a bit time sensitive to my mind, I can't go off burning juice I barely have enough of in any case doing something major aside from what I am doing.  I gave myself a gold star and promised I would get some good salami the next time I am in town, cheese too.  Boo-yeah.  Take that you stinking SIREN!  :)

Sad to say, but this little bit I am doing is beating me up.  Oh, I'll drag through it.  I'll... I'll do it.  I will even do more than scheduled, I am seeing that already.  But too, I will do less than what could, probably should, really be done.  Oh, shut up you!  Another siren call, leading me to the cliff's edge, don't you know?  I am hoping, if the floor in the bathroom is still good, to have the water heater replaced, the carpets steam-cleaned, and my bedroom, living room, and  on-suite bathroom back into production by Saturday, depending on how fast the carpets dry from the cleaner.  Which will really happen first is still up in the air, depending several factors.

It looks like using fans on the still damp carpet is the best bet at this point.  After it dries, perhaps a heaping dose of baking powder left on for a day then vacuumed, either before or after (or both) the steam cleaning (depending on how fast the carpet dries, or even if it dries completely in time).  I have been making sure there is air flow in there, so that was good.  There isn't much else I can do at this point for that.  Hmm, might as well grab the fans though, right now, and get them going.  Then I can finish my break with peace of mind.

Yeah, it is disappointing how little can take me down.  It doesn't really matter why.  Owning a home may actually be beyond me, to do right.  I have neither the means or money to keep up.  Or... do I?  We will see.  Though I had best... keep ahead of disasters from here on in.  Which means some reading of manuals, self-help material wherever I can find it, tool upgrades (specifically sockets big enough to handle water heater anodes and the like, not sure if I have them now?).  I need to check the main water heater after I recover from this job.  Never mind, this is the lot I have chosen.  And, even with all, I like it.

Later.

Zoom, zoom! *kersplat!*

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That was fun!  Let's do it again, daddy!

Well, I got off to a great start.  I realized I did have pumpkin, in the can, and didn't want to waste it.  Since I only use the larger cans of pumpkin when I make pumpkin pies the little can simply wasn't of much use, especially since I rarely make stews and summer is upon us anyway (and I never did quite got cold soups and stews even attempted).  So, the cats got half a teaspoon in their wet food.  Neither favors it much.  Sassy usually eats her food and whatever Sam leaves.  Today she didn't eat more than half of her own food.  Well, I put up the dry.  They can eat that or nothing.  The Lord moves in mysterious ways, like turning a son into his mother?  Bah!  It didn't work for her, probably won't work for me, but she always figured something out to... get the intent down.  I will too.  Women!  ???  Ha!  I even found a container to store the remnants of the can in.  If it doesn't pass the smell test next time I go to use it I'll toss it.

After that I messed with the baskets of clean clothes, and sorted down from two to one basket.  I then soaked the dishes, hit a couple of spots of emesis, got my shower in and decided against a shave (my pseudo-beard rough cut is just right to look good, at least to me), sorted dirty clothes and put the first load in.  Then...  *BaM!*  That is it for a bit.

Still on my list is to finish the dishes and laundry, get the recycle and trash bins in from the curb, finish the laundry then do my bedding while setting up my spare bedroom to become temporary sleeping headquarters, and check to see if there is anything left of me to give to the war effort.  Oh, I know it will happen in fits and starts.  I just have to try to keep the engine running between too high and too low while still moving onward.  While I am at it, I will be looking online at what I might be able to put on the carpeting that got wet to... alleviate mold and mildew potential.  It will be at least a day or two before I can get the steam-vac rented and going.  I know it is late in the game for that, but it is what I have, where I am.

I've set an alarm to go off in an hour and a half, when the first load of laundry is done.  I will change out loads, do the dishes, soak any remaining dishes, and then take a short rest after that.  Then, after another load is through, I will cycle the laundry and with one load dried I will take that into my room and finish the old and new clean clothes sorting, folding, hanging, and storing.  I will probably then just do the remaining dishes right after the clothing is done.  Another break after that.  Somewhere in there I will get the trash bins in.  Whether I get all that done today or not I don't know.  I might even be able to do more.  Who can tell?  But, that, as things sit, is the plan.  Yeah, I needed a break.

Spot on.  Get to it!

Gosh, it's time.

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I simply have to get to things today.  And, I believe I will.  I got the trash out last night, and recycling.  I think I emptied all of the... okay, I missed the one by the computer...  Sue me.  I changed the cat litter, too.

I am a bit frustrated with the cats.  They are both purging like a storm, have been for two weeks now.  Sam goes through these periods, Sassy is just relishing her newly found... pleasure?  I haven't been able to keep on top of it, but as I begin work, I am going to be... fixing that.  I did research recently and it seems not only will canned pumpkin work (a troubling thing due to the size of the can that comes in, the rarity of use, and deciding to throw or store the remnants), but so does squash baby food, if I can get them to eat it.  Much smaller, and resealable, containers make for an easier task for popo.  It's just a matter of finding it.  I need to do a bit of shopping anyway, all good.

I went to bed late and woke very late.  It must have been 14:00 when I finally woke.  I had the alarm set for 10:00, after a 1:30 bedtime, but woke at 9:00, knew 10:00 would not work, shut off the alarm, and just let sleep run it's course.  Trying to force getting up has been an abysmal failure.  So, for a while, I am going to just let sleep take it's natural course.  On the good side I do feel more rested and ready to get to some things.  I will start small, just sorting socks and clean under-things, folding and putting those up.  Oh, but first, a shower.  And, actually, I believe I will start my first load of laundry and set the dishes to soak in a clean scalding dishpan of water.  I don't believe, other than my blogging rounds and post, I am even going to mess around "trying to wake a bit" first.  No, not today.  The engine is up, on the first pull, the carburetor isn't sputtering or choking, I'm not spitting oil out of my tail pipe, and the machine seems geared and working.  Can't waste a good runtime on waiting.  I'll stall.

My friend was going to call today.  Not sure what happened.  If he calls I'll go.  My phone is charged and was close.  Hmm.  If not today, then tomorrow.  It looks like the sun is shining, though it may not have been earlier.  I could be wrong, though, too.  I never have it all absolutely right, ever, even when I happen to be right.  I just do what I can, with what I have, as I suspect things are supposed to be, and... that is that.  There is always tomorrow, until there isn't, but then... when tomorrow doesn't come?  You are all good as to worry from then on.  What of your mess remains is now someone else's mess.  If, too, that means you will be facing what of a mess you made.  So, is it better to continue making a mess or to just make a bigger mess to get to facing the messes you've made?  *laughs*  No, it's... Carry on my wayward son?  Yep.

Oh, I've got something odd going on.  I have two puncture wounds on my inner thigh, about four to five inches down from my groin.  Too big for a cat bite, but looks like one, save that it only has two, not four punctures as would nearly be required for that deep of a bite.  They are deep too, and about an eighth of an inch in diameter or more (the punctures themselves).  I've just been sitting or sleeping lately.  I sleep on my right side with my legs together, so... I have no idea.  A miniature vampire?  No, no problem.  Not bruised, or infected, freshly scabbed over now.  Just... I have zero idea how I could have been so wounded in the last few days.  And you wonder why I seem superstitious at times?  (seem is the operative word there, by the way)  Just... funny.

Good day.

Nice.

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There are a few gems out there. While incapacitated I have been digging for music I might like. Nightwish seems to be, if not a replacement for Siouxsie, at least a group I can like. They definitely have more of the gothic cues I prefer. If they can be blatant, they aren't incorrect... or something like that. Anyway, here are a couple of the ones I really liked, along with lyric links.

A little politics today.

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Okay, well, it is as it is.

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Or. sob!  What is going on?  I tried to get up this morning.  I set my alarm for 10:00 but hoped to rise earlier.  And, technically, I did.  I woke right at 8:00, as I had hoped.  Seeing that I was have a rough time waking, I stirred and tried this and that.  Too, I promptly crashed back into the bed at the speed of sleep.  I woke again at 9:00, 10:00 with the alarm which I reset to 11:00, 11:00 with the alarm, 12:00 at which time I reset the alarm again.  I was finally to kick out of bed at slightly after noon and after resetting the alarm and crawling back to bed for a bit.  Son but this has been a difficult few days.

No, no real worries.  I know this will happen.  I know I pushed very hard for a week and a half.  And I am still doing some very small things.  This is better than some falls, for sure.  But I need to do things currently, it isn't just want.  I need to relax a bit, back off the pushing, and just let it happen I think.  It is want/need versus physical constraint, my literal place between a rock and a hard place.  It just has to be suffered since it can't be changed.  It is this struggle that lead me to suicide, not depression, in the past, so it is difficult.  But I have learned to handle it and stay on the sane side, I just haven't ever learned to like it.  *grins*  I suppose this is why those sad/gothic songs can give me a wide ol' rictus grin while others merely cry and then avoid listening until they need drama again.

I am feeling good.  My home is warm this morning.  I won't complain about that.  Hmm?  Maybe God is trying to beat me into a plow, but my form is too set?  My but He is using a big hammer, if that is true!  I'm pretty good at dodging, just not perfect at it?  Way too funny.  A good waking up brain funny, that whole notion.

Sam was let out at 8:00 and is back in.  I let her back in when I woke, then fed the girls then myself.  I hope to get a shower before too long, then begin picking at my bedroom if I can.  If nothing else just sorting the clean socks and such would at least make me feel better.  A little bit done makes doing more easier.  It's not even that the work is hard.  It is focusing enough to simply get up and do it.  Though I think my body is rather tired, worn, even if I can't see it as a man who is winded from a run can.  It is humbling, but there is something to humility... it definitely helps one understand their place in the galaxy, among men, and with God.  It is one of the gifts of illness.

Well, on to walking a bit then seeing what I can get done today.

AH-HA!

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I am finally warm!  Almost a bit too warm.  Of course, it is midnight.  I'll leave the furnace going and pretty warm so when I wake tomorrow I might be able to warm a little quicker, or... something.  I'm not sure it will help.  In spite of the furnace being turned up to hot all day I am just now, in this last hour, finally warm.  I'll do what I can though.

I could have people over to help me, and maybe all the way through the various projects, with a simple call.  But I want to do this myself.  Not out of pride, not out of hubris, not for this or that.  Merely because I think I can.  I want it done just a certain way.  And I would like to do it at my pace.  Oh, I am sure they would do a good job, very possibly (probably) better than what I will do.  That... isn't the point.  I need to do this.  Plus, I hate being a burden.

Good night.  If you talk to God, keep me in your thoughts to Him.  I do the same.  Even when I don't know your toils, troubles, doubts... He does.  And I pray for many people, directly and indirectly.  Even my enemies, and I try to usually not pray that they see wisdom... or choke.  Usually.  Sleep well.