Confusion, learning control, dreams, the girl next door, door bells in time, and my cousin.

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In my spinning world of dreams and wakefulness, blogging and memory and living in the present, caught up in an avalanche where one is the other is the other with no time stamp and sometimes nothing to separate this from that, it used to be difficult to make sense of things.  The first tool in my bag was procrastination.  How I came to that tool I cannot say.  My guess is from my... one-time association with Zen, a lesser teaching of God's wisdom as I see things now, but still.  Something about, if all else fails... "just be".  If I am angry, depressed, interested, curious, hungry, or any of the seemingly endless things a mortal coil can be, this tool served me well in my condition.  Don't act, in other words, without taking some time to consider the action, the reason for the action, the good of the action.  Of course, time for me is quite different from the notion of time for you.  You have work, deadlines, a demanding partner, perhaps children, pets too, a garden maybe, and books and blogs to read and comment at.  Me?  I have... a mortal form of infinity.

While it certainly slows life down it also prevented many mistakes.  My surety, I had decided, was not enough.  I could not act just because I believed, wanted, felt, or even "knew".  And good thing.  Many things I knew, and even know now, prove to be wrong.  This is part of why I claim to be a know nothing.  No matter how much information I have, from experience, from reading, from any other source, the truth is I can't actually know.  Not about them, those, this, you, or even me.

It took between ten and fifteen years of illness before I could slow things down and sort things out, well, actually that isn't even true.  The time period is right, but I never did learn to slow things.  I simply learned to... trust what I was sensing and learned how to navigate in that tornado.  While my life seems to drop to less than a snails pace, my mind does not slow.  It is similar to driving a car fast at night, so fast that headlights become nearly useless.  Only I can't control the speed or increase the light, it simply is.  It is no wonder I became a plaything for psychologists.  I simply wanted to either learn to handle the speed as it was or to slow down, even adding brighter lights might have helped.  The major rift is that my body is doing what it does and my mind continued as if my body was still in alignment.  I have never figured out a way to correct that.  Further, I think my mind sped up, either because the body couldn't use the resources so my mind did, or to try to compensate much as a driver might step on the accelerator if starting to lose traction in certain situations.  Speed can correct for mistakes or equipment weaknesses.

Oh, but life has changed so much and yet so little.  Life is still a blur.  It is difficult to even explain this.  Think of some of your most convoluted dreams, with blurry images, fast sequences that you can only get a glimpse of what is happening, fear from just not being in any kind of control or even being able to be fully aware.  And yet I have learned to balance this.  I think I almost write well, despite the confusion.

Dinner arrived tonight.  I had set the alarm for 17:00 to freshen me.  Dinner didn't arrive until 19:30 though (a typical time albeit).  I heard the doorbell, jumped up, got set to answer the door properly, grabbed my cap, and...  No one there.  But I did see their minivan about a block and a half down the road.  Yeah, so there can be a time delay in waking. It still seems so weird though.  I could have sworn I got out of bed immediately after hearing the doorbell.  That adds to the "know nothing" approach, among many other things.  I did call to let them know that I was up... and hungry.  Glad I did, too.  Dinner was quite good and I have become Pavlovian with the dinner bell at that time of night!  *drool*  All good, I like to drool.  Ha!

Dreams.  Two nights ago I dreamed of a cousin, second cousin really.  She honestly believes she is equal to men despite so many facts, even in her own life.  I have discussed her before.  But in this dream I learned why, if the dream is to be believed of course.  Her father only had one son, the eldest I think, and a disappointment as fathers may think such things.  Young men, perhaps always?, are feminized... by their lack of testosterone to start out, by school, by their mother, in some cases by having too many sisters, and for many other reasons (hence no constitutional vote until men were 25).  So the father chose the strongest, most willful, daughter to fulfill his want of a strong child, son really.  He developed her, coached her, pushed her, prodded her, filled the family with his notions and egalitarian notions so as to further his wishes.  He talked her into wrestling, against boys.  Of course, that was a failure.  But having the money, other means, wilfulness, and influence, he got her onto steroids.  She became competitive.  He imbued her with his will and she became a manling.  Of course, it all failed ultimately and remains so today.

The real results?  While she wrestled she looked... quite butch.  But when she left that, and ended the drugs, she returned to being a quite attractive young lady.  She joined the service, but after just a few years she was disabled due to a shoulder injury, most likely from wrestling and steroids, not the service, though.  Still, the service pays her disability.  Then she met a strong man, like herself she thought.  My guess is she contested him as if she was still a wrestler.  He was strong, and unforgiving.  She cried foul, divorced, and is in some feminist limbo world now, not knowing how to be a woman, or what a woman is.  Yes.  And she confronted me.  I just told her that if she could not face, in full combat, a mostly dead old man, that she had no face to save, and could certainly not call herself even my equal no matter how superior she might be in her thoughts.  But that this was fine, for a woman.  That is not her place.  Although I saw her father seethe with rage.  He came forward to confront me.  I suggested to him that he was more like his daughter, which is why she failed.  He had best know his place too.  He is a black belt, some sash or other, in Karate.  I suggested that would only make him strong enough that I could not simply defeat him, but that by the time he realized he had sorely lost, he would be dead or mortally wounded.  He... backed down, knowing the truth of my words.

Last night I dreamed of a neighbor girl.  Oh, too young.  But she so... reminds me of my first real love.  A love I never took as a lover.  I shattered the thing  from my past rather than... do what most do.  We were too young.  She was too innocent.  I had things to know, learn, decide, do.  I spoke with this neighborly young woman and left her with some challenges.  Oh, she is the perfect wife material.  Unfortunately for her, the boys she should... be interested in are just that.  They, too, have things to do, decide, learn, know.  And more, the economy makes it so that they will have a very difficult time feeding their own faces, let alone that of a wife and child, children.  In another time, or even in some time to come, such a woman would or will... be the one.  It is frustrating to see prime material when you cannot, maybe shouldn't, or have reasons not to, simply reach out and grab it.  No, not taking of flesh.  In the presence of ripe fruit, as in the Garden of Eden, it is never an issue of force, only certainty.  When the fruit is ripe it separates from the tree by merely touching.  You know this, even today, if you have ever picked ripe fruit from a tree.

Such dreams, coated with real memories, fitting in with the blur that is life for me.  It... makes for a magical reality.  I do wonder, however, what others think of what I write here?  Do you see mere fantasy, aspects of that, insanity, or a reasonable form of reality.  I have no road signs, I have no breaks or brighter lights to use on my road.  I have no real means of testing my thoughts, and professional psychology is so broken it couldn't tell if IT'S thumb was up it's own ass, let alone if mine is.  And worse, even if it thought mine was, it wouldn't tell me.  It would just send my profile to the FBI!  So... what do you see hereabouts?

Rough!

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I had hoped to get out yesterday but ran into a wall of white noise.  Basically I stopped functioning if I was still awake.  So I was going to get out today but I was awakened way early by a home invader, if I didn't catch him.  Definitely now, the back door was unlocked when I went to let Sam out today.  I check those religiously before bed.  So, I am completely gassed and won't even make it to my dreadful 14:30 stay up time of yesterday.  I am dragging so hard now getting everything shut up and down is going to be weird.  Can't think.

Well, there is tomorrow, and the day after, and even days after that.  It is not like I am choosing to be lame.  Pain has mostly gone.  I haven't felt much at all of the headache for most of the last day or two.  I am extremely tired though.  Stretched thin, as was said, like too little butter over too much toast, give or take.  I'll roust around sooner rather than later though.  I have things to do.  But not today.

Any ideas on other meats for longer term storage?  Freeze dried and the other don't seem particularly tasty, seeming more like reconstituted cardboard (though somehow quite tasty in the beef stew and beef "stroganoff" they make that way).  I do need to find a way to store beef in particular for at least short to medium term.  Though it might simply be too expensive, even home-canned?  The freezer, of course, duh?  No, that can't be counted upon.  Jerky is even more expensive (and salt laden).  Hmm, just... trying to figure out a way to set enough beef for a meal or two a week for several months, for now.  But it has to be palatable, affordable, and if work is needed somewhat doable by a novice.  Oh, and could you suggest how to make a billion while you are at it?  Yeah, yack it up furballs.  I was just... asking...  And someone might have an idea.

Good day and good night.  At least I don't have to say "and good morning", technically, if barely.  Oh, I best set my alarm so that when dinner arrives I will be ready.

Someone was in my home.

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I have long suspected that someone, or more, has been getting into my home.  Oh, I haven't found too much gone.  The only thing I am pretty sure that is missing is a large roaster (expensive though, if it was damaged and I wanted to replace it anyway is beside the point).  I don't think any ammunition is gone, absolutely certain no guns are gone, but there are many things here, some of which are consumables so, difficult to track while being used.  My guess, as I have said, is neighbor kids, among a few other... notions.  How do I know?  Lights left on and sometimes Sassy is... fit to be tied when I come back from town.  I know her well enough to know when something is eating her.  If Sam was outside, I know it wasn't Sam.  And outside things don't get Sassy riled, while visitors (even when I am here) may.  My guess is some of the people that come in aren't nice to her, and she doesn't like other people anyway.  Now, the basement light I use from time to time.  So it being on when I was sure it was off is... debatable.  Memory being what it is, and perfect habits not really possible, that can be questioned.  But not tonight.  Whoever was here left a light on that I haven't used in months.  There is zero doubt at this point.  They probably woke me up, or the cats did fussing about it.

I am going to be speaking with the sheriff.  I will also let some local people know that I know, and see if that doesn't filter around to whoever, or whoever's parents, might be doing this.  I am also considering getting door bars for now.  The doors are locked, but as I said a key has gone missing.  New locks are just too costly right now and all but the seriously pricey ones are pretty easy to jimmy.  Windows, if they are shut, are the type that can't really be jimmied open, so entry through them would show an obvious break-in.  If that doesn't solve it mostly, I will have to work out something else.  At this point it isn't just about the idea or theft or safety, but of will, if those other things definitely come into play on their own.  But how to make my home secure when I am gone, especially since I suspect locals who can just look in the garage?  *grumbles*

So, I woke at 21:30, way too early.  I really suspect that I heard whoever.  Not good on too many fronts.  Now, I never consciously heard a thing.  I rise out of bed pretty quickly, but I can't be sure how long from beginning to wake to rising there is.  Perhaps I fuss while I am waking, especially with so little sleep and being tired from trying to push my days around.  I do know if I find someone and corner them, kid or adult, I won't take an ounce of guff and they will be waiting for the law, dead or alive, makes little difference to me.  It is totally up to them.  Don't even need a gun but I've got half a dozen.  So, if you are the one and reading this, and I catch you?  Do what you are told.  Don't think trying to kick me in the shins or biting me, or even shooting or stabbing me, will get you out and away.  Just so you know.

Hmm, back to regularly scheduled programming. 

I'm not all brute though! Mostly.

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No nap.

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I've been enjoying watching the vids I've used on this blog on full screen, but too, I considered napping at several times and it just wasn't going to happen.  Oh, but the videos have been fantastic in full, wide-screen, highest def, viewing.  Yum!

Sleep can be so screwy.

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Of course, the situations don't always help.  I went to bed, sort of, at 14:00.  But I knew dinner was coming in, so I didn't want to sleep too deeply.  I set my alarm for 17:00 which is the earliest I usually see it on Sunday.  Dinner arrived a bit later, but I had my hat at the ready to put on to cover the messy hair and was mostly dressed for company, so answering the bell was easy.  Delicious, by the way.  They called it a blueberry French toast casserole, which is pretty apt.  I might have called it a non-glueified blueberry bread pudding but I... think their name sounds... better.  Okay, let's stick with their name.  Oh, and it was delicious.  I then couldn't get right back to sleep, so a bit of tinkering to come back down.  Back in bed I only lasted until 23:30 or something.  Gah!

I have told my friend I would be in today.  On the way in, I am hoping to make it to Mass, then get my car taxes paid, then stop in and see him.  Shopping he says.  Holsters he suggests.  Fine, fine, we can do that.  I told him to be a little hungry.  If nothing else a burger and fries, which ain't all bad when you are starving... if you can really taste the salt after not eating anything for a while.  Ah, but it goes down like a dream anyway.  My body is like... "Salt?  What is this salt stuff and why am I not getting any?"  I just say, "Yeah, yeah.  Shut up or you won't get anymore.  You might have some control, but I have the rest, bastage."  Oh, it knows I am just teasing.  Besides, it knows where I sleep.  :p  Oh, and we will plan a time this week to go shooting at the range.

I will probably take a nap between now and takeoff time.  Perhaps trying to go down at 3:30 to 4:30 and waking at 5:30 or 7:30...  Well, I can try.  Otherwise it's going to be a little dry.  I am having a heck of a time staying up past 11:00.  I can make it to 14:00, maybe 15:00, but it is purely on fumes and involves a crash landing.  Getting this day shift thing going is always troubling though.

The girls sure are spoiled.  They beg and quite often they get... food... out... in... up... down.  Especially if they tag team me.  I have been trying to keep them from some notions, altogether, though.  Like...

It just ain't going to happen.  It's... bad enough, as AoSHQ pointed out.

Just... saying.

Oh, here is an oldie but a goody, for those of you who have an ear to hear, and eye to see, and a bit of common sense. H/T A Catholic View

And, finally, for those on the fence about this upcoming election...  In his own words.

Later.

Victory in Japan Day, well, the last one.

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Makes me want to smoke a cigar, to be honest.  While far to young to have even seen anything about even Vietnam or the Korean War, let alone WW II, I came to know about the latter and former very well indeed.  I never got to the point of reconstructing maps and troop layouts, memorizing uniforms, ribbons, or any of that, true.  I did become familiar with the general way the war was fought, and the European front as well of course, crucial battles, paths, little pockets of trouble, some of the political and internal military politics, some of the leaders and such.  And, reading enough, I almost sweated with the guys in the jungles, or ran to quarters with the sailors being attacked first conventionally then by suicide planes.  Lots of good boys became men, and many of those never came home.  They will always be sorely missed.

Oh, why is September 2nd the "last" VJ-Day?  Well, because the Japanese surrendered by cable on August 14th, the news hit the world August 15th, but the official surrender ceremony was held September 2, 1945.  Ffor those of you who consider one of the other days to be "the day".  And, yes, they are all validly considered VJ Day, if president Truman declared it to be today, the Japanese (and many parts of the world) consider it to be August 15th, with the emperor's radio message of surrender.  In any case, that is a bit more trivia for you.

It's difficult to even find photos of General MacArthur signing the treaty.  They ARE busy scrubbing history, aren't they.  Don't want people to know, remember, understand, think outside of their cubicle, classroom, "place".  Never mind.  I did find one.  Oh, he was just the fussy stuffy ol' guy who told the rest what to do, and to a degree how to do it, then expected them to pull his miracle out of their *bleep*, sort of.  But... he was the face and lead mind that got it done.  It's difficult to know how much to thank a general, or admiral, having been what I was.  But... there is plenty of room for respect, and he was good at his job.  If he was a gruff sob about it.  Then again, he sent a lot of men to their graves, and really, he had to do so.  Yeah, I guess I would be a bit gruff too.  Just being gruff myself today?  :p  Though too, what he did to Japan... still ruffles my feathers.  He forced women to get the vote and... socialized everything he could get his hands on, and destroyed the place, culture.  Maybe that WAS the point, not sure.  Or maybe he was a typical idealistic elite.  I will never know.

Our boys did a hell of a job.  From fighting, to thinking, to making, to surviving, to winning.  We won a war we didn't start.  The cost?  Ask what the cost of losing would have been.  The price was... non-negotiable.

Trying to turn it around.

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Fighting to get back on days can be difficult.  The body just won't always have it, or can collapse in the middle of it, leaving me in sleep limbo.  I have, for the most part, gotten back to spending longer periods awake with shorter times asleep.  Not just recently, that last.  I would guess since I moved out her for sure.  When I have a woman around, that actually helps me regulate a great deal better too.  If anything I usually stay up too long, I think.  I really haven't done a scientific study on it, and, yes, that would be necessary to be sure.  But I think I spend, generally, 12 to 21 hours up, then 6 to 12 hours down.  When I am doing better, as I am now mostly in spite of the headaches, I can reach a more general average of 14-20 hours up, 6-8 hours down.  Not scientifically verified, just... my sense of things.  That does make it difficult to square the circle of keeping days as a regular menu item.  It's like the tides or something.

I woke at midnight, or 2:00 or something this last time.  I am hoping to drag myself as far into the day as possible.  The one caveat about staying up is that when I try to change my waking cycle... it can backfire, I can get too sleepy to manage while treading on new day ground.  It can also make me sleep and wake in short, perhaps four hour, periods for a number of days until I let go and let things rebalance as they need.  I am hoping to do well enough in these next few days that I can make Mass Monday.  I simply can't guarantee it though.  Well, it is fun to try and change my life.  All I can do is little and slow but it means the world to me to be my own master?  Even for a little while on a little thing.  Something.

How odd.  I probably still could take my cousins and friend but I can't control my sleep?  Whatever.  Well, it was the same with sleep even then, come to think of it though.  Cosmic joke thing in any case.  Oh, yeah, real funny there.  And, actually... it is! 

The girls have been fed three times but are still hungry and it is just past 9:00.  Brats!  But I sure love them.  They keep me from falling too far into nowhere.  Even if I can't feed my face I can at least feed someone's face.  I feed both their faces, as I like to tell them.  Yeah, they don't get any of my jokes, just push me along to get them chow.  All good.  Sam is out for the morning, sunning, chasing birds and mice, lounging for the local tom's fall calendar cat line-up, or whatever she does.  Sassy is in, going a bit ape for her morning exercise.  She still trills when she speaks to me, something I do enjoy... more emotive of a meow somehow.  Or exotic?  Yep, I like my little beasties and they like their (pwned) ogre.

Yeah, I didn't make it to town.  I just couldn't hump it up and out.  I've got my eye on that though, I want some food!  Food is being delivered tonight but I want something around for other times, and for those days they don't come.  I will travel later at night, when I go, if I hope to be in before 23:00 so I can make it to my favored store.  Walmart is fine for cat food, non-vitals, and such.  But for good meats I prefer a real grocery store, one in particular.  And the prices aren't that much different, if at least to me, the quality is very different.

Well, I think I'll game for a while.  That can help me push through the day a bit more blithely.  Good day, but not yet good night.

Hate!?!

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Absolutely.  And, not at all.  I have been called a hater, prejudiced, and many other things.  And, perhaps to a child it would seem that way.  I do hate.  The sin.  Not the sinner.  What of those who hold their sin, knowingly, and keep it selfishly?  Those cases are, at best, difficult.  For whatever reason I see sin so plainly.  I am not like those who can just ignore, or learn to not see, walking on as if nothing was amiss.  Much like an emergency medical person couldn't simply walk away while some one savable was dying.  I just can't do it.  There are times and places where there is nothing to be said or done, but... it is noted.

My last lady friend kept digging on this.  She just couldn't understand.  She personalized, sometimes with the sin, sometimes with the doer of the sin.  She didn't consider homosexuality a sin, until a lesbian started... liking her.  Even then she didn't consider it a sin, per se, more a personal inconvenience.  I tried to help her, asking her what if she was a child and this was occurring, sort of to move on to the notion that we are all children in many ways?  She does understand, I think, to a degree, that pedophilia is a sin.  And she definitely believes rape is a sin.  But I think that is because those have bit her in the ass.  Why people can't... go that extra step, and see what hurts others, uses others, destroys others, is a sin, I cannot say.

Perhaps I read the bible one too many times in my youth?  Perhaps I was simply created to see.  It is a bit of a curse.  To see inside to another human's soul is sometimes even less glamorous than digging through a garbage pit for lunch.  I don't know why I see, or react to, sin as I do.  I just know, even my own, sin just... hurts.  It is this nature that hurts those around me, more the ones who want their sin, but too those who just want to ignore that sin is real and should not be tolerated, exploited, and that we can't simply forgive it.  The doer of the sin has to seek forgiveness, and at least honestly attempt to change their way.  That last is as good as it gets for us, here, now.  And more, if the sin is also truly illegal, it needs to be punished.  Forgiveness from sin doesn't alleviate the need for criminal punishment.  That doesn't mean priests are to run to the cops, that honestly isn't what they do or are allowed to do.  It... isn't their area.  But if it is serious enough, they do have an obligation to "work" with that particular individual.  And my guess is that they do, if possible.  Then again, what do you do with a mobster or such?  Pray, most likely, for honest priests.

Anyway, yeah.  Just... feeling the fire sometimes, I decided to write about it.

Oh, I have, finally, officially, decided to dedicate my suffering to those in purgatory.  For the relief of their souls, their suffering, to shorten their wait.  I have thought about it.  I didn't want to quite do it, as I thought it might be a bit of a surrender to "the way it is".  And while that may be partly true, it doesn't mean I am quitting, giving up, or anything.  Suffering would be nothing without the effort to change it, the willingness to fight it, the boldness to try and walk away from it even if seemingly without legs.  But I am here, at last, with no place to go with my condition.  While I hated the notion of being psychologically damaged, at least there was some hope I could overcome that with sheer will.  This... the heart being so damaged... 15% ejection refraction...  I can't undo it and medicines... probably can't either.  I suspect they were lying to me about it helping or increasing heart function.  All it might, and I do mean might, do is... give me a few more years of life, probably at the cost of function.  It will not really increase my ability to pump blood.  Such liars.  Reminds me of my mom!  Ugh... Take this, it tastes bad but will make you feel better.  Sure, after you vomit everything you ate for the last week.  And even then it only helped sometimes, when it was what you ate that was making you sick for example.  :p  Thanks, mom.  Hehe

'Teh king!'

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About a decade ago, pretty much in the same heart shape condition I am in now, I had a lot of contact with some of my cousins.  When men interact there is always... a little tension.  Essentially, men have to settle things.  However, being that... I am a giant... and full blood warrior... none of them wanted to test those waters.  But... it was getting... tense.  So, being magnanimous as I am, wise, kind, and just, *evil grins*, I suggested that they team up, along with another friend, and we go to town in a wrestling match.  Three healthy young males against a 35 year old (now we know weak-hearted man) in all out, do what it takes, wrestling.  No real rules, save no punching.  If family jewels came into play, I just said what comes around goes around, which... pretty much took them out of the debate.  I pwned them as if they were little girls.

The one I really had to watch for, actually, and knew it, was my littlest cousin.  Small, truly diminutive.  At maybe 5'2", he was razorblade fast and devious as a viper.  I kid you not.  He had evil intent too, it's in the eyes.  He was the one who would later attack me from behind for not liking something he said and bruising my ribs by tripping me into a counter.  I blogged about it when it happened.  The others?  Meh.  The first thing I did was put a hand clasp on the fast one as they approached.  I didn't let him see it coming, and yet I am faster than him anyway.  But in a group arena, my attention might otherwise have been distracted long enough for him to crawl up and put me in a choke hold, and I think that was his plan.  At that time, the others could have... eliminated my ability to get him off and defend from them.  It was pretty intense, no real rules, and they were... ready to put me down.  They had had enough of my dominance.

Locked on, I was able to deal with the other two pretty quickly, getting one to surrender almost immediately, taking about five minutes.  With him out, I decided to deal with the fast one.  Without his speed and agility in play, he was cake.  The final one just would not give.  I finally got him to at least concede that he could never win.  For me to have gotten him to actually concede defeat would have... been too destructive.  It took a good half hour to win, but... yeah.  Bruises, scrapes, scratches, sore, and tired, sure. None of us was unscathed.  We hit it hard, and I fell a few times with 400 to 500 pounds of angry little men on top of me.  Funny thing, to be honest, I am in better shape now in many ways than I was then.  Yeah, for a dead guy, I'm doing alright.

You should have seen how trashed the three rooms we wrestled through were. We THOUGHT we had cleared them enough before hand.  Nope!  Epic, ba-by. 

Ah, but the Lord knows I had more fun with that then I have in a long time.  Plus, no heavy bleeding, no serious injuries, and 'teh boyz' knew, once and for all, without any doubt, who was 'teh king'.  It never crossed their minds again.  As well, I gave them some much needed respect for having put up and stood against who they considered a tyrant, even in the face of absolute defeat, maybe more for that.  We had a better relationship after that.  All good.  I miss the lads. 

Picking on boys you say? Not so fast. All of us were street fighters, adult fully, of some mean reputation, one of them was nearly my size, all of us were (for them little wise) blooded heavily. No, these weren't cherry cousins who had lived a privileged life, or "sport fighters", or mere athletes.  And it WAS serious.

Hmm, days coming around?

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I made it to a bit after 11:00.  It's been a smooth ride.  It rained last night for the first time that I am aware of it having rained in a very long time.  That was good in a lot of ways.  It is approaching bedtime, swiftly.  The swelling in my ankles has dissipated on it's own, my headache seems to be gone, sleep should be grand.

I need to get my days shifted to try to get to Church.  A few days in the pew on weekdays, when the crowds aren't deafening to my nearly hermit ears, blinding and too enervating for my other senses, should make a proper showing a little easier.  But I have to be firmly daybound for a bit.  Masses during the week are at 11:00 or noon, or such...  I'll be checking that as I get closer.  And I NEED confession.  Which... makes the Eucharist... right(er).  I have no serious sins, and Mass does deal with venial sins, even my collection.  :p  Still, I like to... give those out as I believe I should.  God already knows and my priest, after some number of confessions probably has me pegged, but that isn't the issue.  It is about facing sin.  It ain't easy but it is wonderful.  I'm getting there.

I was feeling some pains.  At first it sort of concerned me.  Then I thought, how long has it been since you have eaten, dork?  Ah, oh, since Wednesday?  Yep, since then.  Ah, well, then, you should hurt!  Duh.  So, I need to get into town and get some stock of meats.  I think a pan of hamburger, beans, cheese, and maybe even some veggies and tortillas would be good.  Keep it as simple as possible.  The only reason I am considering romaine lettuce is because I have an odd hankering for it.  Tortillas are great, better than bread for this because you can just fix a "plate" of the good, and eat the "plate" too!  Can't really taste the lettuce, so it might be a bio-hunger.  Or my lady friend praying to the gaia for me to eat healthy, and God intercepting the prayer knowingly and lovingly, and agreeing?  Dunno.  Maybe tonight, and a burger and fries for being a good boy by getting to the store in the first place so I don't have to shop and cook on the same night?  Yeah, maybe. 

Shut up! 

Good morning and good night.

The Answer.

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I have spent all of my conscious and some significant part of my unconscious life seeking one thing.  Every face I have seen, every tree, town, structure, stream, field, view of the sky at any given time, patterns in from or by anything from frost to human social behavior, every texture I have felt, every taste I have sensed, every smell, sound, and extrasensory perception has gone into a bag.  I have tried to fit the pieces of the puzzle in that bag into a coherent understanding of life.  There was math, but it is limited exclusively from everything and all, choosing to define more what it can't do than what else there is or everything altogether.  Then there was science, digital in particular.  What a lark.  Science doesn't even honestly understand what engineers simply DO, let alone believe there is anything beyond what the limits of the eye can see!  Just as math failed to allow the humble bumblebee to fly until quite recently.  Engineering seemed the way, and I would have liked the work, but... it wasn't an answer or provider of answers, merely a more interesting way to have spent my time on this glob of seemingly solid matter.

The Answer!  Perhaps it can be found in other people, women?  Do they know and just not tell due to their diminutive nature in various ways, the terribleness of the truth?  Is it a part of them, only found through carnal knowledge?  What is it, where is it, how to find it.  The search also took me to faith, religion.  Is it in the bible, is it in the hymnal, is it all around.  Where, pray tell, is The Answer!  Like a squirrel I sought The Answer.  Round and round, up and down, over here, over there, under, around, and through.  Just... where is it?

Ah, but really, the Answer is quite simple.  Oh?  Well, yeah.  It is the Question that will get you.  So, what IS the Question?  You will have to ask yourself.  Just... you will know if you are asking the right Question or not, you have The Answer.  Believe me.  You might have rejected it, but you... do... know.  Time in meditation won't get you there, time dealing with the broken, rotted, dark part of your heart as an immortal is the only way to tunnel through to the light.  It's a long haul, it isn't for the timid, but I'll send you packing with a shovel that might help...  You are loved even in your darkness by the only One who can love you fully.  The only way up is down.  Get digging.  There is light at the end of that tunnel and it isn't an oncoming train.

Sure, there is that...

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Yes, new tires.  Of course, taxes.  I know, plane tickets to get my mother out here.  Yeah, yeah, and shut up already, I heard you the first time.  Still, my thoughts wander to computers.  This tired nearly as dead as me machine I am using is getting quite... grating.  Every time I turn it on I have to dance and sing to make it work... an ugly proposition, let me tell you.  And it won't do many of the simple things even this simple old machine SHOULD do.  It's ganked, been hacked, and... I would love to share time and talk over it's problems, just... not type one damn more word through it.  Still, money is what it is.  But I can't help but look.

I have looked at components.  If I chose, I could cobble a passable machine together.  It would last three years for internet gunk and about a year for mediocre gaming and cost at least $1k.  If I tried to build a more lasting machine, say three years of gaming and five years for general, now... that would cost about $2.7k (uhrm, or more).  But I would have to put it together, keep track of warranty information, figure out what isn't included with what I buy and try to track down the cables, parts, and bits on my own.  Or, I could buy a better machine than I could hobble together, with (the same) room for an upgraded chipset (as the $2.7 diy'er) and memory (if even 16, possibly 8, is more memory than will ever be needed by this chip line and the next one or two as for gaming), and have it pro-wired, pro-soundproofed, and shipped in a week with a three year warranty for just over $2.3k.  I'm thinking... sweat shop?  Hey, who knew a degree in history would be worth less for getting a job than one's interest in gaming, but... there you go.  *laughs*  Even if it barely pays China's minimum wage.  Never... mind...

Yes, but at $2.3k... I'm seriously sweating bullets.  Oh, and games cost $50 per, plus.  Could catch up on some of the older games though too.  Then again, computer gaming is... pretty much run through Steam and other online gate keepers.  Personal home gaming is nearly dead too.  They want us all to join epic battles against each other and crazy stupid things.  Hey, I'm NOT in the military anymore, I don't go for hurry and wait.  And I do remember saying, when I got out of the service, that the first line I wanted to get in was the line to get out of lines.  As it turns out I hopped the fence and can't even FIND a line to stand in.  Can't stand in lines anyway, so...  So many games are simply... getting in line!  Ugh.  However, there are probably some games out there, if one looks very carefully before buying (ignore the professional reviewers seller whores, look for reviews from players, specifically players who list games you like as games they prefer, or thereabouts).  And, it would be nice to have a machine I can more surely and seemingly securely communicate and write through.  Ugh...  But $2.3 is just...  Yeah...  Eye-candy, for now.

Just... letting you know what makes an old dog drool.  Oh, and while I have cleaned up my act, there are still these.  But... let's not go there too far.  I have ENOUGH trouble with celibacy!  C..osmi...c joke...  I'm saying...  Black dragon t-shirt girl, and for some reason the bottom one, have my... undivided attention.  My eyes are distracted by the dragon girls face and bombs, so I can get HOURS of entertainment just on her.  She has a beautiful smile, I think? Is she smiling? I'll... check again.  No, just... looking for... data? patterns?  Summit.  I'm... purely chaste in... woah am I lying.  Ugh.  Oh, and thank you Jawa. I'll... deal with my celibacy, you just... keep... helping?  Not sure "helping" is quite what it seems, but some suffering is good for the soul... just a little??? please?  :)
Later.

Ah, some of the notions have returned...

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While looking over Avenged Sevenfold's material to see what else the kids have been up to I found a couple of vids that seem to have struck some nerves.  Like them?  Well, yeah, to a degree.  Not as much as that first vid I showed but not bad.  They aren't quite as heavy as it seemed.  But they have some talent, they do work their songs to mean something.  They are writers, not just players.  Nice.

Loverly to see some things, even if...

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Brutal.  I am just hedging back and forth in that pain.  I think a fistfull of aspirin is necessary right off as I wake tonight.  Pain can be good, at a minimum, for a while.  It tenses everything up, good for the autonomic reflexes, and some other stuff.  When it goes too long though, it... becomes quite an annoyance.  I took a shower first thing after waking tonight.  It's only been a few days but I needed a shower as if it has been a week.  I think pain stresses the body into overdrive, which would explain the benefits it procures.  Pain can be like a workout.

Reading the news I saw how Harvard is putting it's foot down (haw-verd).  Way too funny.  Every college, save a junior college I attended and only for that class that I can be sure of, cheating was commonplace.  Instructors "helped" pet students (athletes), people copied homework, helped each other on tests, the rest.  Those of us who would not cheat were at a distinct disadvantage, and in some classes *cough physics cough* that disadvantage was monstrous.  The professor, knowing how rigged it was, merely suggested to us non-cheaters that we study more.  He was lying.  I took my test to a physics grad student who thought I was fibbing.  Oh, he got it...  He finished the test with a 90% correct... after two hours.  It was a one hour test.  And he was a theory student so this stuff shouldn't have... been difficult for him.  This was the basic physics course (calculus based).  It was that way in every class at the University of Iowa to some degree or other.  Oh, but they are going to fix it by... picking out some students who weren't included in the academic pick cheat list?  What a gas.  I suppose it is some sort of face saving move to encourage more giving from alumni...  the only people who might be fooled (self-deluded) by their silly action.  What would it take to eliminate cheating?  Expulsion, from any school level from k-grad.  A contract clause allowing even tenured professors to be fired on the spot if caught helping, selling grades, or such.  Not Going To Happen.  So, if you go to school?  If you want that degree?  Learn who cheats, how, and what it takes to be party to it.  Or prepare to work your tail off, and if you are politically incorrect even that won't help you.  That... is that.

Here is a story that I love to hate.  See, this woman is driving, talking on her cellphone (which I am to take is illegal), gets pulled over, gives out a raft of merde, then gets body slammed not once but twice.  The worst of cops versus the worst of civilians.  In some ways loverly, in some ways all ugly, but my sort of thing.  If I were a hog, that would be the mud I would choose to... pacify my angst... or something.  Having been rearended by a phone-talking driver, I really don't care to a degree.  I see some justice in there.  But the cops really were heavily out of line... IF the story is true.  That is the price of living in a city where no one knows the cops and the cops know no one?  Cities, while the pinnacle of human achievement, show why human achievement is... at best questionable.  All good, all bad, all the time.  Bleh.

Well, on to goofing.

Gah? Bah!

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If it isn't one thing it IS another.  Lately things have simply been piling on.

The headache issue remains, if mostly in the background.  I have weened myself off aspirin, that was some serious dosing.  But the headaches still remain a threat.  Low and slow is the method to the ends.  My sleep has become a mess on top of it.  I don't think it was because of the headaches, or me pushing for days, it seems to be something else, perhaps the weather.  I'm working on it, but for the moment I am in freefall regarding when I sleep and when I am awake.  Disarray.  Oh, and my feet are swelling again.  I am simply trying to urinate more often but... that just isn't enough.  I'll have to figure out medicines.  If I can stay awake, if I am not in too much pain.  Gah!

On top of that my blogger bar disappeared.  I just kept thinking it would come back.  Without it I can't (or didn't think I could) sign in to post, if I can now comment.  Argh!  They are definitely having troubles making the internet killswitch work, or at least having troubles testing it, or something.  After a bit I found a work around.  Not a solution, only, while I was checking for solutions I found a place where I could sign into my account, and realized I could port to my blog from there.  Yes, I figured that out all by myself in all of about three seconds.  Still...  I could still be waiting.  It looks to be becoming a more common problem.  The suggestion is to update the template.  Sure, mine is old.  Like... almost first gen.  But... if it ain't broke...  Or... even if it is.  I think they break the old to try and make us use the new.  I just don't want to have to set everything up.  I'm barely staying out of diapers, if adult version.  I really... They don't do a good job with "new and improved".  That saying could go right in with "Hi.  We are from the government, we are here to help you".  *chucks in the circular file*

Ah well.  I have gotten a few very minor tasks completed.  And my "perfect game" is coming along... relatively as planned.  I have avoided the add-on portions that introduce huge buggy and laggy spikes into the game.  I may try those in the final bit, but... not until then.  One of the adds is good, three are buggy and laggy, one of the adds brings bugs and lag into the whole rest of the game.  Not worth the weapons and "experience". 

The electricity went out twice last night.  The first time was for a few moments.  The last was for several hours.  Sitting here at a dead computer in a pitch dark home, I realized I had taken the flashlight (the one I knew the location of off hand) back to the laundry room the other night.  So, without even a flicker of a glimmer, no moon and heavy drapes to boot, I made my way to the laundry room through this room, the living room, the kitchen, into the back area, past the steps down, and finally to the flashlight.  Actually the most trouble I had was finding the switch on the flashlight when I finally found it!  Hehe  Sometimes I am such a dork, just... a magical one in a way.  Half dead and more, in pain, not sleeping or eating well, but I can still find my way through my... busy... home in the pitch dark without really a thought.  Then I almost can't turn the damn thing on?  Yeah, cosmic humor all right. 

I had several ideas I wanted to write out, but in the blur of not sleeping I have temporarily or not lost them.  I have one, but it is too much work while I am too tired.  I thought with the lights being out and computer and game off I might be able to sink into slumber.  Nope.  When I can't sleep, doesn't matter what else, I simply won't sleep.  I just think just as if I was playing a game, only regarding real life.  Life is huge, you know.  Bigger than any game, bigger than science and much more real, way beyond Hollywood to capture or even mildly portray (if they were ever to give that a real go anyway).  And yet, in one moment, the lives of millions of people can be changed for good or ill, right into finality.  While... some will never understand moments because they are so busy trying to fulfill a very long life.  I have finally decided.  I am not slowly dying... I am slowly living.  Never... mind.

Good day, and unfortunately and again, good night.

I went to bed early, but...

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A phone call.  Want dinner?  I thought to myself, do I want dinner?  Just waking the mind has to... reverberate a question for the words to make sense or something.  Then it was... Do I!  Sure!  So, a couple of large breakfast burritos were over quite shortly.  I am pretty sure there was a homemade salsa chutney to top it as well.  I was too busy scarfing to... take the time to look.  Oh, yeah, hungry.  Four or five days of calorie-pinching has me in a feast or fight mode.  While it did wake me after only a few hours rest, I couldn't get right back to sleep.  Who wants to sleep on a full stomach anyway?

I goofed for about four hours, sparred with D.C. a bit.  Oh, and D.C., don't get all gnarly.  I'm just ringing the bell, checking the baffles, making sure of some things.  Even if you happened to end up liberal, I wouldn't actually hate you or anything.  NO.  I am not saying you are, just... a what if.  And, yeah, I buy your answers.  The vitriol just sort of gets to me, in spite of my own, somehow.  And on the same topic.  Reading Non Sequitur back to April 1st helps.  It's done, but not over I suppose.

Now, back to bed.  The hope is to get up and get out tomorrow, the day after, or when I can.  Good night... and it is night.  Nice...

The hour IS late...

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While I did make it to the afternoon I am pretty much done.  I think I can coast another hour or two in my attempt to nail days again.  But I cannot make it to town.  Aim high, understanding that you may miss more often?  :p  Still, one of these days will see me back in to town to get my friend up and out.  I might even be able to hit several times for several weeks before being clobbered by the next biomonster my system needs to combat.  I am clean.  My clothes are clean.  A few more dishes are clean.  Cat food, milk, and tobacco are back on the menu.  I even have soda, for now.

The days are cooling.  The nights much more so.  I still run the ac in the day, if I am reconsidering that.  I have felt winter, several time, now.  No, not a cold draft or a shiver.  And, remember, I like winter.  No, just a sense.  And I don't think that is a good thing if it is right.  If I am feeling winter this far away it would mean a long, hard, or both, winter.  Ugh.  Still, those of us who want four seasons, need really, sometimes just have to deal with what is delivered.  I would much rather have a brutal winter than no winter, I hated Florida and South Carolina (as I saw things) for that.  In Charleston, at least while I was there and if memory serves, people put on winter coats when it hit... high 40's or 50's.  Something crazy like that.  And they drove in heavy rain as badly as many city-dwellers drive in the snow, neophytes!  I'll take what comes, I'm just a bit... nervous about this winter, that feeling.  Too soon, but there it was, twice, maybe three times.

Oh, one other thing I bought were treats for the girls.  Not food though.  Playtoys that can be filled with catnip, plus enough catnip to keep them loaded for a while.  I have never had a cat that responded to catnip toys before, so I am enjoying this immensely.  And they certainly love the toys this way.  Sassy looks up at me, at first, as if to ask if this is really okay.  When I assure her that it is (mostly) safe and all good fun for her, then she will play.  Sam doesn't even wait.  She is almost ripping the toy up midflight to her.  That's what she has been talking about, she seems to say when looking at me with her glossed over eyes.  I am so anti-pot, but for the girls I just don't think it is that kind of issue.  Cwazy wabbits!

Alright, good night... sooner rather than later anyway. 

Late was the hour...

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Later or early, made little difference to me.  I took my shower, had a fresh towel to dry with, had clean clothes to don, and so into town I went.  I chose which place to stop, only two choices really available but they are on the opposite sides of town.  I took the shortest path into town, which is usually the longest way time-wise due to heavy traffic, but not at 3:30.  All of it was thought out in half a second as I got back into the X after having pulled her out of the garage then shut the garage door.  Blink.  Done.  And the trip went as planned.  I ended up buying a bit more than I had anticipated.  Extra cat food, while I was at it.  The dry lasts forever but the cans are used up in a heartbeat, as my life goes.  I saw Kleenex on sale, and prefer that brand.  Six boxes for less than half of what the other brands charge, oddly, and more in each box.  Along with what I have in stores and in use, that should last me the winter.  And more soda, this time most of it went down to storage.  I should keep some on hand down there, rotating it every few months.  I would love to do a fresh rotation of that every time but it just isn't in me.  I would like to get a supply for several months alone, but with coffee to supplement I would have enough caffeine for four to six months just as is.  And, what I went to town for?  I found a whole roll of my favored tobacco.  A rare thing.  So, I did pick the right store, no need to store hop.  Then again, I am going to try to stay awake long enough to go back into town later today.  I am going to see if my friend is available, and wants to go shooting, shopping, or just out for a meal.  No promises, it is just hoped that I can push through today.

It is wonderful to be dressed.  And a shower two days in a row has been splendiferous.  I still have that beastly headache back in there, and so I won't be doing anything too strenuous.  Shooting seems difficult, but the ear cuffs cut that way down.  I don't even shoot .22 shorts without them, if I would compare the sound of .22 shorts to a pellet gun.  I have finally trained my friend NOT to shoot before making sure I have earphones on.  It rattles my nerves.  Oh, sure, if called too I could, and would, shoot my pistol, shotgun, or whatever without ear protection, even in close quarters like a home, but I would suffer for it.  I don't choose to suffer.  Hmm, I have even gotten him to wear them, most of the time.  While he can no longer hear the part that is painful, I have asked if he really wants to lose the rest of his hearing?  I think... that got his attention.  Well, and maybe being an example.  Oh, he is contrarian and a bit of a rebel, just like the rest of us.  But... when you don't tell him, but more explain why, and show that their are real consequences...  He can come around... iffin he is of a mind to do so.  Heh...  I'm almost sure he thinks the same thing about me from time to time.  Bah!

I have been lazy about caffeine.  Soda truly is easier, but it isn't quite as good.  Then again, it is cold to start with.  This has been a mean summer.  Coffee sort of loses out because by the time it cools I may have forgotten about it.  There are ways to make or buy ice cubes, but those are the product of at least one more process in a system of failed processes.  In the fall, winter, and spring, coffee is splendid, now that I am back to it and have a system worked out for it mostly.  But... summer?

Some people remind me a whole lot of my eldest brother.  [Uhrm, when I say brother, remember, that could be foster, step, adopted, half (on birth mother's or father's side), or... even a few other things.  I don't even bother to explain which is which, just... brother for now.]  He was a typical hard core "liberal".  Went to college, married a woman (how liberals end up married I am not sure, perhaps it was social imprinting left to them, somewhat beyond their control).  They had several children.  Unfortunately his wife died in her 30's, and I dearly loved her (loved her just for her, innocently).  He married again and went on with life.  He worked in social services, and went on to be the head of that in one county (men usually rise quickly despite all the feminism).  In any case, he finally decided he was no longer liberal.  Now, he maintained his atheism throughout.  I tried to help him understand that he was merely, now, a disgruntled liberal.  You can't really be conservative unless you accept how things really were, in the beginning.  That is what conservative means.  It doesn't really mean back to the 1950's, back to the 20's, back to some fictionally more "conservative" time in American, or even world, history.  The world hasn't been conservative since Adam and Eve were given the boot.  That is what a conservative seeks, and knows he will not find here.  It is a wish to go back to the future.  Yes, yes, silly indeed.  But any learned Christian knows we cannot have heaven on this earth, they know we will not know perfection in this life, and we know this place at least in part because of us is an imperfect, deeply flawed, a sometimes dark and deceitful place.  No, he is just a liberal who wasn't able to pacify his intellect with his heart, he is not a conservative.  Conserving money, a fiscal conservative you ask?  If that is all he is, then he is just as easily a crony capitalist as an outright socialist.  Socialists, in practice, are actually quite often exactly like that.  They only promise otherwise to sway the foolish who have been incorrectly allowed to vote for that very reason.

Never mind.  Besides, being fiscally conservative or liberal means little, if you look at it in a religious light.  The love of money is the root of all evil.  So, whether you want to protect it for this group or give it to that group matters little, if it is because of a love of money, for yourself or others, it comes down to why you are what you are.  And while I am a fiscal conservative, it isn't on the principle of money, giving or saving, but on property, the ill effects giving money away has yielded, and other topics of a very Christian nature.  As well, one of the most important aspects of Christianity... free will.  Men can not be forced to tithe in this time.  They tithe of their own volition.  Just as they may not be forced to believe.  Charity is fine, just not at the end of a barrel.  That is what redistribution is, forced reallocation of other people's money.

Blather, blab, blah, and so on...  Yeah, I get tired of my own stuff too.  It just... came up while I was thinking about something or other last night.  I know D.C., to a lesser extent mind you, sort of brings up notions of my brother.  I don't know if he was that liberal and changed, or if he has always been a 'third path' guy, or what.  But I know he dabbles in the liberal pool rather deeply.  He says he is just... doing it for this or that reason, but I sense some of his heart is there.  Mother?  Siblings?  Wife?  Is someone he holds dear deep in that pool?  Just... thinking is all.  Please, take no offense D.C.  Just late night ramblings, ponderings.

Good day.  Wish me luck on getting back to town?  Hopefully not good night this time!  Later.

I was sure...

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A couple of funnies for the night.  Someone suggested that underage smoking of marijuana stunts intellectual achievement, even the capacity for it.  No guff!  Have you ever spoken to a teenaged regular smoker of the stuff?  You can almost spot them.  Sometimes they even begin to sport a serious set of facial features allowing you to know them much more easily.  This next one... Well, it is like I have mentioned here and elsewhere.  When a woman is beginning to nag, grump, become just plain mean, or a few other things, it means... well, she needs attention.  And, yes, this helps.  It isn't the complete answer, but it is a large part of it.  A guy still has to keep up his end of things, help her with her things from time to time, and run the ship solo for and at random intervals.  But, sex helps keep everything else in place, especially female psychosis.  Another problem with plasticized false romance?  Yes.  Even thought I was doing things the wrong way, I never could plasticize.  So... at least I sort of made some number of women happy, for a while?  Something.  

I was positive I could be out by 22:00.  Then 23:00.  Now?  I'll... I am pretty sure I can make it out tonight, I just don't know when.  It's not that life is brutal today, I just can't get going.  I did run the whites through a little more drying.  Everything that needed to be hung or folded, save my underwear, has been tended.  I simply can't seem to move much beyond that.  Cigarettes, yuck!  But, for now, it is enough.  I am hoping to get in early enough to hit McDonalds for a burger.  They aren't great, but after half a week of near fasting, anything would be good.  Why McDonalds?  I love their fries!  I am trying to get out while it is dark, cool.  Though that may mean I can't get more than a can or two of my preferred tobacco.  Sometimes they simply run out.  Though, sometimes, I can get a whole carton (actually five cans).  Those last a month, give or take.  Pain and stress can have a carton used in three weeks if ongoing.  Sometimes though a carton can last almost two months.  Beats smoking, in every way.  When I have had to smoke, I end up smoking up to six packs a day.  Summit summit obsessive compulsive on some things.  Yeck.

I didn't get the trash out yesterday, which means it didn't make it to the curb and recycling didn't go.  No problem.  I think I only had one bag of trash, and I have plenty of room in the recycling bin.  I may, if I can get to it, take the trash and recycling to the bins tonight, changing out the cat litter while I do so.  I think I have enough of the traditional cat litter for one more go, then I change over to one of the newer types.  I really need to start tending the litter each morning, right after feeding, though.  If the new stuff works it will in part be because I do my part.

Later.

A new day.

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I woke fairly pain free.  There was some notion of pain back there but milder than it has been for some number of days.  A dose of aspirin just... to make sure.  A call.  It seems dinner was late and I think they hoped not to have to deliver, but I did ask them to.  I was just waking up and I am hoping for a run to town tonight, so food... might really help.  An email telling me that the Saturday event went well, with plenty of hands on deck.  All good.

I found a pack of cigarettes that allows me some tobacco hit from time to time.  While it is my house, and actually for that very reason, I won't smoke inside.  The smell lasts for weeks, even months.  While I was outside puffing, Sam decided to join me.  Yuck by the way, that instant massive hit of nicotine is... too much!  I don't know how smokers do it.  If there is a link to heart attacks and such, my guess is it has more to do with that instant huge hit.  Anyway, Sam kept checking my hands for treats.  Ah, I remembered.  When my mom is here, Sam is always out with her.  My guess is my mom is Sam's treat vending machine, same with Sassy.  I got a little peeved, then I realized... she is probably a candy machine for the children of my brother.  *chuckles*  And it doesn't stop there.  She probably spoils any small to medium sized children she can, and some adults too!  It's just... how she is.  She is called grandma by more children than you can imagine or than I can count, literally.  And, actually, I don't begrudge her that.

Of course, this lead to the notion of the fine art of seduction.  Oh?  Well, yeah.  No matter how fancy or complicated we might try to create the notion, it always comes down to a very few things.  Giving and getting.  My mother gives to my cats to get attention.  My cats take what is given in exchange for proximity.  It often ends up that there is more to it, the proximity allows the cats to be petted, which is good for them and us.  We change the cats by our notions, and lead them to a more human understanding through when, how, and if we choose to treat.

And there are many things that can and do seduce us.  Often our education, then job, lull us in.  Our loves and lovers, potential and realized, certainly draw us in.  Our hungers and thirsts, both right and wrong, can pull us strongly.  Which pulls us the most depends more on our needs and wants, or perceived needs and wants, than anything else at any particular moment, within our ability to accept.  We are so easily purchased, we sell short, we know the end.  With death as our future, and the time being completely unknown, plus the notion that even if we live we might not be able to earn, it is difficult to bet by holding out.  Best to sell while the animal is still viable? 

I doubt if much of this goes consciously into the equation.  That is why tradition, standards, and other things are so very important.  Without those we have no real idea.  When those have been set aside, or we are told all traditions are equal so we should just pick, then we are fodder for the control of fools who will lead us into our own destruction.  You don't need children, they say?  Oh?  Genetic suicide is wise?  Really?  Who will tend us, or at least take a measure of our needs and wants, when we are old?  Why, everybody will, they say.  Oh, I see.  Stick with tradition.  I have never known such a thing.  It was never involved in my equations.  Then again, I look around me and see... people coming from good homes have absolutely abandoned traditions.  I actually cling to a Euro-based traditionalism more strongly than most who were gifted it.

All that from a yucky cigarette, a begging cat, and a few days of pain.  Hmm, I don't think I'll make that trade again though, given the choice.  :p

Another smoke, another shower, then into town.  I hope.  Soon...  Later.

Hey, not bad.

I still had to dose a time or two, and am about to dose again.  But I almost feel as if something is getting better.  I did three loads of laundry.  One was quite small, just three or four shirts, two pair of jeans, and a pair of slacks.  The other loads were large, typical really.  Underwear doesn't have to be folded, if I much prefer that.  But for now, at least I know I have clean unders, a few shirts to add to what I already still had, and fresh pants to wear, several clean towels for the bathroom and kitchen, and a few other items that just... add to life.

I even did a partial load of dishes.  Some of them needed more of a soak for this reason or that, so I put them to it.  I wasn't sure I would get a shower in though.  Time was passing by, my function juice was being gulped by little and big things here and there.  But, no, in the last inning... outta here!  Showers feel so good when you have been robbed of them for a while.  I begin feeling a little Golem-esque.  I don't quite consider raw and riggling a menu item descriptor, yet, I do sense that whole cave recluse thing going on.  Mine!

I was actually hoping everything would come together quickly enough that I could make it to town this morning, or earlier this morning really.  I am out of tobacco and some other things.  Again, it shows how ill I am when I can't get to town for a literal addiction, doesn't it?  Caffeine?  Meh.  Nicotine?  OMG where is it!  Still, I can't get in.  Maybe tonight, with this prep work done.

Another hour to dry off, then to bed I hope.  Good morning and good night.

Same same.

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Yeah, it has been a rough half of a week.  It's like I am not getting enough oxygen.  Which really might be the simple case.  Even with medicines, sometimes things aren't going to be right.  Perhaps my liver and spleen demanded oxygen for survival so my body decided my brain could go without for a bit.  Only, I didn't get the memo.  Well, okay, I got the memo in the form of a sledgehammer hit to the head every morning and throughout the days.  These things are going to happen from time to time.  I am honestly surprised my body hasn't cannibalized itself, shrunk to an easier form to work with, or such.  I suppose, when the end approaches, if my body can keep some balance, I will know because I will fade to bones and skin.  On the upside, if my body is keeping balance, I am far from fading. 

More aspirin.  And I will certainly be on the horn tomorrow.  I can't keep this up.  I will figure out a way, get a ride, and if I were in better shape might even have considered hitchhiking.  As is, if I set up an appointment, I might head up the day before and stay over to make sure I will be there without having the stress of driving while struggling with too much pain.  I think there are places to stay within a few blocks of the clinic.  Further if they send me to the hospital, but at the hospital the hotels have drivers to take you to the hospital.  A further expense, but... At some point gold has very little luster.

One thing or another, I heard someone say recently.  Why, yes it is.  I am glad someone else noticed!  I am not even really complaining, it is my lot.  Sometimes the thing is beyond simple help, sometimes I try to solve it myself, sometimes I just have to wait it out.  I won't even say it is worse now than ever.  It's... all about the same.  The only difference now is I don't have people telling me I should just keep a stiff upper lip and get right in and get a job to fix my ills.  Like what they said for the first twenty years.  Doctors, friends, family, they all had the same script.  Shame the gimp, that'll snap him out of it.  Yeah, okay, some bitter taste there.  And, fairly I do believe.  Bleh.

Another handful of aspirin, a shower if I can pull that off, and I really need to do some laundry.  Everything is so very wrinkled.  Maybe just three or four shirts and two pairs of pants at a time.  Something I know I can handle hanging up.  Then underwear and then socks, wool socks have to be done separately.  A few light loads per day.  Ugh but I have gone soft!

Enjoy your day.  I'm going to do my absolute best to enjoy mine.  I just won't give in, out, or up.  I won't.  Now... where are the girls!  I ought to see if they are still ticklish and independent minded.  *grins*

In spite of the grinding start, the runtime isn't too bad.

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Every four to six hours, roughly when I feed the girls, I dose.  It does seem to keep most of it at bay for the moment.  I had been trying to stick to eating very small bits of this or that but my body, last time I tried that, pretty much just shoved me aside, shoveled it in like it knew what it was doing, then looked at me funny when I went to grab another little snack bit to add to it for my own gratification.  Stupid body.  So far, though, so good, with that. 

These times make me more nervous about stroke.  A massive heart attack, while not pretty or painless, is quite often quite lethal.  A stroke though?  Yeah, you could die of it too.  Though I think you would die of thirst first.  And you would half know it.  No, stroke bugs me.  That is part of the reason for dosing with aspirin too.  They say aspirin can... mitigate the affects of a stroke if taken right away.  At the doses I am needing to take to allay much of the pain I would already be dosed.  Hmm, doesn't it also help with a heart attack?  Though I think you are supposed to put it under the tongue or some such in that situation?  Something.  I just... hear things.  My dad (foster dad, and his was from arterial blockages unlike mine, so... not genetic or family or such) had a really bad heart so I heard a great deal about stuff then, and sort of had my... antennae up when new things came out about the topic.  His heart eventually gave out and killed him.  He lived for several weeks after, beyond the doctor's understanding.  I know he was waiting for me, but I was not allowed to see him.

I finally got what is to be the perfect run up and going in my game.  What I have found though, is even with foreknowledge of most things in the game (some things are random events so cannot be planned as they are more likely not to be experienced in three whole playings than to be found), is that... it still doesn't matter to some small degree.  In otherwords, if you optimize one area, thing, field, experience, it often comes at the cost of some other area, thing, field, experience, or even several other things are affected.  There is too much to truly plan for an honest optimization, though you can do a great deal more toward your various goals with the experience garnered from playing through a time or three before.

I am using... cheats.  Not literally cheats, bugs in the game that allow... early advancement.  Just pretend I had parents that could and did arrange things a bit, or... serious natural talent?  Something.  Still, the bugs I exploit don't honestly make the game easier, just easier to set up the way I want to play.  Actually the big one makes the game more difficult as it seems enemies advance and get more powerful relative to both the player and his allies.  So that when random events or even static "pops" occur, I have to hustle to make sure my peeps don't eat dirt.  Still, I enjoy doing it.  In part to order things all at once, ie leveling choices.  But I also like, a bit, "sticking it to the man" (the game makers).  So much in games is scripted, a series of jumping through hoops.  Sometimes it is nice to just get the damned treat NOW!  hehe

Well, back to goofing.  Later, maybe.

Okay, now it doesn't just hurt, it's getting annoying.

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I had honestly hoped to wake up today, clear and clean, healthy and well, and make it to the event.  I woke up late, I woke up in pretty good pain, and I was doing good not to try and stay in bed to hide from the pain.  It simply was not going to happen today.  I took a handful of aspirin as soon as I woke, and ate a bit too.  Keeping on the fringe of starvation means sometimes eating isn't about choice.  I did keep my meal small.  The nausea isn't back yet but sometimes it takes a while for the pain to grate on my nerves enough to upset the stomach.  I suppose if I feel the pain in my sleep, I wake up pre-disposed to nausea some days.  As I said, while it does hurt, it has become less of an opponent than an annoyance.  I still game, I still blog, I do pretty much everything I would normally do... if I specifically remember to eat less (which sometimes isn't an issue as I don't always eat anyway) and move even more slowly.  Actually, when I move, I move fast.  I just move rarely.  While in this condition I do move more slowly.  Sometimes checking to make sure I am not exacerbating the pain, nausea, or getting dizzy.

Yep, I best get in to medical soon.  I don't know if this is high blood pressure related or not.  Only that it is... a bit too persistent to let continue whatever the case.  I doubt if I will schedule an appointment just for this, I will simply mention it when I meet with the nurse and ask about what D.C. recommended.  Oh, it's a migraine.  I have regular headaches from time to time, even bad ones.  This one involves sensory input like vision, hearing, even smell in some odd way.  Plus, there is something odd about migraines.  It's more like they are alive than just a pain.  Mine moves, rather than thrumbs, like electricity, in pulses or waves.  Headaches can thrumb, and hard, but they are generally static and often I can't define exactly where the pain seems to be coming from exactly.

The aspirin helped settle things down a bit for now.  It's about time for another handful.  Later.

Not bad if not quite good yet either.

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I received an email thanking me for letting the group know I would not be helping today, and offering assistance if needed.  There is no help anyone can lend however.  While tonight was relatively pain free, I have to keep eating aspirin.  It is right there, the pain, on the verge, and butts in once in a while.  The stomach is still a bit topsy-turvy too.  I almost suspect the rawer chicken from the other night, but that illness usually doesn't include this kind of headache.  But mostly it was a relatively calm night.

I love being able to comment again.  There is nothing like being able to not just hear but speak as well.  I love blogging for the very reason that we can reach out and... speak our minds.  Oh, I know, some people would rather I just sit right down and drink a tall glass of shut the hell up.  I don't agree with... anybody, sometimes.  And, really, I don't think I am supposed to agree, more so if I don't, somewhat so if for no other reason than to gently shake to tree to see what falls out, why, and how.  Whether I am simply asking a question or asking a pointed question, I like people to think.  Even if I agree with most of what they say, I might still have reservations, actually I always have reservations, even about what I think.  Never worry, I would have flabbergasted Christ.  He might have particularly asked me to walk on water with Him... with... mildly dark intentions... if you know what I mean?  I know my mother... has had... thoughts.  Bless her poor soul.  I am not an easy thing to consume.  Still, I am what I am.  I am my Father's child.  So... neee!

Another handful of aspirin and it is time for bed.  The nights have been nice and cool, almost to the point of being crisp.  Still, a little rain would be nice.  It is too late for the crop, but rain would go into places for next year, but more... it would just feel good.  It isn't seeming to be on the horizon though.  Anyway... good night, and good morning.

Ah, that's better.

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I've been trying varying doses of aspirin over the last few days.  It seems 2100 mg will pretty much give me a lot of breathing room.  I don't want to take that dose too often or for long, but for now it works.  There is still a mild ache, I can tell that demon headache is just looking for a chance to claw it's way out, or in, again.  Vision is a little funky at times too.  Typical migraine stuff though, nothing fancy or unusual save the tenacity of the attacks.  I did send an email letting the KoC know I would not be in attendance and roughly why.  Just trying to take care of business.

It is amazing, in my games I am quite organized, even if there happens to be a ton of gear options, weapons, collectables, trade goods, and such.  I run my games like I would run my life if I had legs.  A place for everything, and everything in it's place, for the most part.  A life lived means that can't always be true, but it can be for the most part.  If I could honestly be up and on my feet, doing even little things even half of the day, my home would be immaculate as an earthly home could be, and squared away.  Food wouldn't be an issue either.  It actually doesn't take that much to organize, work, cook, and clean, if you have three to four hours of functional time a day.  Sad to realize, I honestly don't have that kind of time for even that kind of effort.  I might get that in a week, though sometimes I can get twice that in a few days.  I just never know.

I am trying to keep from having a full belly.  Or, actually, as little in my stomach as I can tolerate.  It is still queasy, making a constant but light form of hunger preferable.  It's a difficult balance to maintain.  Still, it beats having everything in there tumbling around once in a while.  While I won't vomit, I'm almost unable to anymore, it is probably worse that I don't sometimes.  This is one of those times.  So, just very light snacks every four to six hours.  Ugh, I can't wait for this to pass so I can eat something substantial.  I was looking forward to tomorrow.  Beside helping out, I planned to have a hot dog, a hamburger, and some tacos.  Right now none of that sounds at all tempting, but it did a few days ago.  I did want to meet some of the people too.  Just a little face recognition and vice versa.

Well, back to goofing I guess.  Later, or maybe good night.

Oh? Now that's rich.

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So ill I should be institutionalized, really, just too... energetic for that to work.  Look, when they are talking heart transplant you know it's bad.  On top of that, still sore from nausea with mild aches from my head to foot as if I was beat.  And I still... have to struggle with celibacy?  Come on now, something HAS to give.  I could be upset, angry, put out, or whatnot...  But really, it is one of the funniest cosmic jokes I have ever heard.  Twenty years ago I would have been larfing hard if disbelievingly at such a tale.  And... some things don't change.  The only thing that has changed is that I am forced to believe.  Come on, that is funny right there.  God HAS to be playing some role in this.

I slept well enough, finally.  I am still pretty rough.  I am going to be taking doses of aspirin throughout the day in the hopes that the pain doesn't return.  When it hits it is like a bomb going off.  It rips from the outer molecules right on in to the very nuclei of my structure.  Fire and electric pain surge through everything and infiltrate my vision and hearing.  On the good side all other worries vanish!  *laughs*  Yeah, no.  I'm going to try and avoid that more actively today.  I prefer my other worries.

I do believe I am going to call off tomorrow.  I am worn out, still in a state of worry about such pain.  If it happened while out of the house, getting home would be... difficult.  Sure, I can drive in full on shock, or with a migraine, but it's not something I would put myself in a place to do on purpose.  It's not just about me, it's about other drivers, pedestrians, and such too.  A little responsibility must be taken.  Sometimes there is no choice, but when there is I'll take it.

The girls have been fed.  Sam wanted 'brunch on the patio', so she got that.  It's a little more work to get their food and water prepared separately, but... she so loves being outdoors that I can't really usually disregard her wishes.  It will mean I will be doing that most of this day.  Some days she is an in-home girl, some days she is a nativist.  All good.  Actually, reminds me of my last lady friend in many ways.  Cwazy wabbits!

Good day.

Headache!

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Oh, not a typical one.  Aspirin is cutting the pain, but just a touch.  If the brain could feel, I would liken this to a railroad spike having been driven from my upper left forehead to the top of my spinal column, crunching that column just a bit, with all the gentleness of expression that a jackhammer can exhibit.  On the good side, I am nauseous too.  Wait, did I say good side?  Never mind.  I could not sleep.  There wasn't a good angle, or a way.  Sometimes I can sleep my way out of it, sometimes I just delay the sense of it.  These are usually rather rare, but two in a row makes me nervous.  At least I have been being good with the girls.  Yeah, that is more important than how I feel.  Feeding and petting, chasing around just a little bit, and running in "terror" from their ferociousness.  They have been giving me extra niceness, knowing that poppo hurts I think.  They just know.

I may be able to get to bed shortly.  A second dose of aspirin went down the hatch.  While it doesn't look like it will fix it, it might buy me the time I need to settle in.  I may have to call tomorrow off.  I'll see when I wake.  If so, I will send an email letting them know that I am simply in no shape to help.  It is good to know why, not just not show up for things.  While it is still a sort of demerit, it isn't as bad as being MIA.  They know I am at triage.  Even if a homebound one.  Yeah, if I wake early enough, I really need to set up medical again.

Hey, it's good.  I have people that love me, people that like me, people that don't one, and people that don't either.  Oddly, that is comforting.  Funny thing, sometimes all of those are the same person!  I love that, I really do.  Until it's my turn?  Heh.  All good.  Be well.  Enjoy your day, more so if it is pain free.  Crunch some numbers, arrange some flowers, smile at someone, tell a good joke, and be pleased if you are doing what you can do.  Even in great pain I have been... enjoying my little life.  Youch though. 

Good morning, and again good night.

It was going well.

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I woke, fed the cats, goofed, enjoyed commenting again.  But as the day has progressed I have slowly become quite ill again.  I have an headache the size of Washington D.C.  Leaning my head seems to help, a bit.  I'll grab another handful of aspirin and see if it helps.  I'll probably crash a bit early too.  Wowza is that nasty.  Yeah, I best get back to medicine.  It does cut down on some of these things.  It's just a matter of being able to make appointments, stick with them, and such.  They do care, but they don't.  There isn't a lot they can do, or myself, at times.  It's not really about want or will, but ability.

Good night.

Oh... how to tell people things?

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At another site, I flummoxed someone who just couldn't understand how I can take an Orthodox view of the bible, not call it the Bible, and reject the role and titulature of classical education all in one fell breathe. How do you tell someone how different the world looks after having died once. Or what you saw your second death. Or that dying a third time didn't really have an effect. How do you explain the synaptic changes from having a loaded shotgun in your face, the trigger pulled, and only hearing a click. How do you add nuance to... the insanely impossible?

I tried to explain that the bible, as I see things, truly isn't like... science. It doesn't attempt to formulate reality, to graph it, to chart it, to define it. It simply represents it, is a part or means of reality. Science fails because it doesn't know. The bible doesn't fail because it simply is reality. How does that work? Well, history is the key to undoing science, and the classical notions of education. They don't mesh. Science is struggling to fill in holes, more so by trying to fill them with anything but God. It is like trying to stop a leak in a pipe with anything but something solid. Try water they yell, when that doesn't work, try smoke! Oh... darn... how about good wishes and smiley faces they plead? Anything but metal or glue, or even higher pressure water, or something that might work, they demand.

As I said, classical education is undone by history, completely and irrevocably. I would classify the classic education as a poet's wet dream of how things could or should be, if I as it turns out I do not agree with those notions of should or could, when it comes right down to it. The world, as is, shouldn't be soft, or inclusive, or benign. As sinful, and even animal, beings, we would be totally ruined by such a life. We would have to be forced into it, and those who would not or could not fit would have to be destroyed. Basically, most men over the age of 17 to 21 would have to be put down. And my guess is the closer a woman gets to 27-33, depending on her hormonal fluctuations, would have to be put down just the same. Old people would be fine, but none would make it through those screwy years, or they would mess up the whole thing. Essentially, classical education teaches theory that is wholly unworkable, untenable, and unwanted, save in the throws of passion and ecstasy when all higher thinking is gone.

I tried to explain that the bible should be lower case as it is not holy. It may be the Word of God, and it might be living, but the book itself is not holy. It is a placeholder, a vessel, for the holy. Christ was self-animated holiness, so He IS different. As is God and the Holy Spirit. Not even angels are, only given capitalization when named. Then again, the one I confused was a socialist atheist, so... go figure. Why would they want the term "bible" capitalized though? I... never really get these folk. Oh, and I tried to be... reasonable, as I am here. No need to yell. They aren't going to change, or probably learn. Still, why send people all aflutter. They are already confused.

They thought I was silly to try to keep all the pieces of my derangement in order, like it was some odd Rubric I had developed all on my own without the sum of all I had seen, heard, felt, and learned as the backstop. Something about having to step through a thousand little idiosyncrasies to survive to my end notions. Not at all, I suggested. No more do I need to hold this together than I have to concentrate to keep clouds in the sky. It stands on it's own or it doesn't, there is little for me to do but notice. It always amazes me that some people cast stones at their own shadows rather than at their perceived opponents. This writer told me their 'dirty little intellectual secret' merely by casting the aspersion. It is they who live in a fraudulent glass house. Fearful of any and all... things out of line. Ah, but... what fun we have in an afternoon when... we play with children? Summit like that.

Later?

A better day.

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No headache, up a bit earlier, but not to bed any earlier.  The problem is the thing Saturday.  I can't sleep until 16:00, but I can't seem to... not.  I'm headed for a cliff.  If I can't make it, that is just the way it has to be.  Tonight, since I have brots ready, I am going to fire up the grill.  A good burn first to get the muck off from just sitting, then cooking, then another 15 minute dry run to get THAT gunk off it.  I have tried a number of degreasers, different detergents, and a number of other mechanical and chemical cleaners, all to no avail.  A grill is simply a filthy thing.  Now, I didn't go for a typical grill.  No, of course not, I had to go techy and get one of these.  No, I think my next grill will be a plain old regular grill, give or take.  I would actually like to get one for Saturday but I simply don't have the green for it.  Assuming I can figure out how to be up and there in time in the first place.  Gah!

Anyway, today is good.  No headache, no sense of over sleeping or over-extending yesterday.  Just... another day.  The cats have been fed, Sam has been let out, I have tinkered with my final game of Fallout 3, which may end early as some things in the game have stopped working as they should, or possibly.  It seems when such a large game is fully utilized once it sort of breaks.  Old games somehow carry into new games, and the whole thing bogs down.  I suppose I could remove the game and all old saves.  But, that would take some homework to even know how to do.  Homework, at this point, I am not interested in doing for a game I am about done with, for a number of reasons.

Laundry needs to be done.  Much of my clothing is clean, but I haven't been folding/hanging/putting away.  So... it is all quite wrinkled.  Not a terrible thing, here at home.  But going out with wrinkled clothing is... a sign of something I don't care for.  While neat clothes give off a sort of false signal, considering my reality, it also gives off intent.  It is that intent that I... want to exhibit.  So, laundry.  Lots of it.  But making sure I fold, hang up, put away, so perhaps just a load at a time, then a break.

Ah well.  Good day.

Chicken part deux.

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While the chicken I cooked the other night was splendid, for the most part, it wasn't... quite done.  The meat was done, but... something about it.  Let us just say it moved me in a way that I knew I had to rebake the remainder.  What doesn't kill you and all.  If... that doesn't mean you want to repeat a mistake either.  Now, I don't really like twice cooked chicken.  Some people and places can do that successfully.  I know of a restaurant that has twice baked chicken as a star menu item even.  Not so much here.  Still, knowing it is fully done is worth the slight odd taste I always end up with.  And my lower, and maybe upper, g.i. will thank me.  Having eaten one of the recooked pieces, I already know it is right.  At least the skin stayed somewhat crisp.

It has been a rough day.  I finally surrendered and took a handful of aspirin.  I am trying to take aspirin since that seems to be what the docs prefer I take.  That helped a smidgen enough to mostly not be too grumbly.  While not grumpy, exactly, pain can make me terse.  I prefer neither terse nor grumpy.  I enjoy loving my girls, not being an ogre with them.  Though vomitters will always be chased out if I think I can get them out in time.  Ugh...  The sound alone gets me to the core.

I think I have been dreaming of fights lately.  It hasn't really been getting to me.  I wake up and it feels like my fist has been used.  I know, dreams aren't supposed to allow for motion.  But I tell you sometimes it does.  If my hands felt like that every few weeks or months, regularly, I would just assume arthritis or something was setting in.  That isn't the case.  It happens once or twice a year, or even every other year.  It's rather rare.

It does look like I have figured out the problem with commenting on other blogs.  Not only do my comments show, they are there when I have gone back to check on them... so far.

All is well.  Good morning and good night.

Could it be?

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I seem to have had some things blocked, including google.com through an add-on for my browser.  I am checking to see if that is why I couldn't post.  The thing is, I haven't changed my settings in those.  Could they have been tinkered with by others?  Hackers are nasty, insidious, little critters and know how to do just enough to cause problems... gremlins.  We will see.  I'll keep tinkering, if this doesn't fix it.

Odd how a group of memories can all come together at once.

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Yesterday and today a group of things came together to form a picture I had not quite seen in such a complete form, or all together, or something.  I blogged about it yesterday, if it was nothing really new, just... I saw it and other things fit, in a sequenced pattern.  Tonight it isn't about me.  It is about some academic types I knew.  Quite liberal, in the neoliberal sense.  Feminine equality, social justice, and the rest, were all top priorities and beliefs.  Even Chesterton, in his day, knew and despised the lie that is "social justice".

Anyway, through various times and conversations, odd things began to happen.  While, publicly, with or without his wife present, the man presented that women were wholly and fully equal to men.  When I was discussing the coming economic calamity, he seemed to know about that which I speak.  When it was just us two, we would pick each other's minds for... notions about it, clues, concerns.  And, really, we were quite on the same page.  But when I would consider discussing it around his wife he would... hedge me to a different topic.  Oh, I saw that, just... I'm usually amenable.  When queried in private, he suggested he doesn't... want to worry his wife with such things.  Later I even got the idea that... she came apart when... introduced to the notion that tomorrow would not be like today, unglued.  There were several areas he was fully aware, but areas he kept from his wife.  As I think about it now I realize he had no notion of feminine equality, he was just... playing the role.  I am not sure if his lip service, however, was fully conscious.  He might actually, consciously, believe what he was saying about equality in spite of living his life quite the opposite.  How... many other academics, liberals, progressives, are just the same?  Most would be my guess.

In Russia, they called this something special, if I can't remember the term for it.  Yes, I knew it at one time.  It wasn't just academics who talked the talk but walked the reality.  It was living the grand lie.  Many still do, worldwide.  Many don't realize they live one way and speak a totally different way.  No, tonight, memories of those conversations and interactions finally made some sense.  More interestingly, she... knew.  She even outright used her feminine frailty as a means of changing subjects she couldn't, wouldn't, handle well.  Oh... just... enjoying some... things...  And sharing them.  Way too funny, if I am not really laughing at them, just... at the world they have created within to live.  And fearing it, a bit, too.  That is a very fragile world.  Any blip on the radar and it can all come crumbling down.  Impotent rage does nothing against the tides of reality, hordes of barbarians, or... any other real threat out there.  How many live in that deluded worldview?  Too many.  Too many elites, perhaps almost all of them?  Trouble ahead.

Later.

Rough one.

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Not getting to bed until 6:00, then not waking until 18:00 and only then because of a phone call, a headache to beat the drum.  *youch*  Bad analogy at the moment.  No, two beers wouldn't do it.  I'm chalking it up to just a typical blue moon bad day.  At least I'm not grumpy too!  No one, cat's especially though me included, enjoy grumpy days.

The call was for dinner.  Apparently they had stopped by but I had not heard the doorbell.  Thankfully they tried the phone.  Dinner was good, of course, but there was something special in there.  It was a taco salad, which is generally pretty good just as is.  But there were cherry tomatoes in there the likes of which I have never tasted.  I now know why tomatoes like that were ever given the name "cherry".  These were sweet, some a little tart, with very high sugar content.  I was absolutely flabbergasted.  Perhaps it has just been a long time since I tasted such treats.  I just can't remember them ever tasting that seriously sweet.

Now to figure out how to get my life back on track.  It will take getting back to medicine.  While that isn't perfect, it does help.  I may start at least taking the aspirin and vitamins for now, items I don't have depend on a doctor's okay to get or take.  Then, if I can shake a leg a little earlier, resetting some appointments.  I'll keep trying.

Later.

Sometimes it all just fits. History.

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Sometimes it all just... fits.