.
.
Oh, sure, I know home cooking every meal from start to finish from scratch with the freshest ingredients possible is the way. Some of us simply can't. Heck, some of us are happy to have just about anything to eat at times. Sure, I have enough money to live well enough. It is shopping, keeping things in stock, cooking then cleaning, that gets me. I have a small system in place that is helping, and I am building on that. One of the things I had pretty much decided against was microwave mac and cheese. Still, I had four packs left of the ten that came in the box and I didn't want to waste. It takes two of those to make a meal. Not really wanting to eat them, but not wanting to throw them away, I decided to simply... hold my nose and put the stuff down the hatch. At least it is warm.
As I was getting them ready I remember that I do have cans of tuna, small ones. And of course I do have spices, though really only hot seemed right for the goo. I decided to add tuna to both packs and cayenne to just one. A little exploration. While still not a meal to write home about, I think I might actually buy more of these. The unspiced, even with tuna, simply won't do. Adding the cayenne makes the meal into nearly a real meal. Hmm, a decent meal, hot, with protein, spiced to my taste, in less than four minutes. Yes, that will do once in a while when nothing else is possible.
Perhaps if I do get my place picked up and back in order this week I can make something I really like, as a treat. My goal is one meal a week, home cooked, my way as to spice and cooking method and such, from the ground up. That won't always happen, shopping must take place even if everything else is in place. It's just a goal. The first meal on my list is menudo. I will be doing a bit of research for recipes. I am thinking the pork's feet are a strong want, so will be looking for a recipe that includes that. Aside from the flavor, the collagen thickens the soup to nearly a stew if the portions are right (and yes, you do eat the meat, usually it is just shredded into the soup if there is some worry that some people would be upset by finding a whole pig's foot in their soup). I might even try to make my own tortillas. My brother, for heavens sake, has made his own tortillas! I have to catch up to him! I don't need to win, and... actually... it's nice that my older brother is... leading the way. Oh, here is a recipe that will do quite nicely. If you try this, remember, the tripe shrinks a bunch. What may look like enough in the store really isn't, according to my brother. My brother says he makes large batches and freezes the extra.
Now if I could do more than sit. Oh, it's coming... But I am sort of stuck until... I clean and air out my whole home. That's coming too. At least I got something down my gullet all by my lonesome.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Kindle Fire, revamped.
.
.
I have considered the Kindle, in various versions, before. Not for myself, mostly, finally, but as a gift. There were several problems, including no 3G/4G connectivity. If I still wanted one now my smart phone would act as a hotspot, and since I was an early subscriber to data packages I have unlimited data from my carrier. But, no, don't need it or want it. My smart phone does everything but the big screen, and maybe more. I believe the original versions lacked the ability to transfer what was being viewed to televisions, monitors, or such as well. If that was possible, it took a lot of fairly technical steps and extra gear. While the Kindle, to my mind, even now, while it's really not a laptop, it is enough for who it would be intended. Books on demand, movies, magazines, and with both wi-fi and 4G, rather acceptable for at home or on the move (if it will still take some technical muscle to get it working, the hurdle isn't horrendous). I believe there is a $55 yearly fee for 4G, but that is less than a cable connection by far (my cable bill is that much a month), and portable within the city in mind, more with so many wi-fi hotspots popping up. Amazon even, after a bit of arm-twisting, decided to allow consumers to opt out of their all-advert all the time gig. Oh, for the person I am considering this for that would be required or the thing might end up being thrown at me. Hm, not really, just... the thought would be there.
I am well pleased that Amazon has been listening. I keep looking for the real problems, limitations, extra costs, and reasons not to gift this device. But at this time, from what I am seeing, other than some of the technical details involved, this would make a certain persnickety little firecracker almost happy. She would still hate me, but... more warmly, if that isn't honestly the point either. She can't help herself I think. Hmm, I have a ton of other things on my financial plate atm, but I am considering it for a Christmas gift. Rather than a plane ticket to visit, especially if I am as laid out as I am now. No one likes to play with mostly dead hosts. The price is a little high, and higher if you go all out (as much as all out really gets you). As I said though, for what it is looking to deliver, as I see things now, it might be the right item at the right time. Thanks for asking consumers and then actually paying attention to responses, Amazon.
The only thing I would ask, further, from Amazon, is to make sure that if I buy a book... my fault, their fault, no one's fault, that the book is mine. That disappearing book thing was not cool, not at all. Eat your mistakes. Costly? Yeah, well, that is how I learned half of what I know. Learn. And make sure, through the tech, that books in my collection cannot be altered. Do this and I might honestly think about picking up one of the lesser gizmos for myself, eventually, just... because... I am a techy and a once and possibly future voracious reader. It... just is the way of things.
.
I have considered the Kindle, in various versions, before. Not for myself, mostly, finally, but as a gift. There were several problems, including no 3G/4G connectivity. If I still wanted one now my smart phone would act as a hotspot, and since I was an early subscriber to data packages I have unlimited data from my carrier. But, no, don't need it or want it. My smart phone does everything but the big screen, and maybe more. I believe the original versions lacked the ability to transfer what was being viewed to televisions, monitors, or such as well. If that was possible, it took a lot of fairly technical steps and extra gear. While the Kindle, to my mind, even now, while it's really not a laptop, it is enough for who it would be intended. Books on demand, movies, magazines, and with both wi-fi and 4G, rather acceptable for at home or on the move (if it will still take some technical muscle to get it working, the hurdle isn't horrendous). I believe there is a $55 yearly fee for 4G, but that is less than a cable connection by far (my cable bill is that much a month), and portable within the city in mind, more with so many wi-fi hotspots popping up. Amazon even, after a bit of arm-twisting, decided to allow consumers to opt out of their all-advert all the time gig. Oh, for the person I am considering this for that would be required or the thing might end up being thrown at me. Hm, not really, just... the thought would be there.
I am well pleased that Amazon has been listening. I keep looking for the real problems, limitations, extra costs, and reasons not to gift this device. But at this time, from what I am seeing, other than some of the technical details involved, this would make a certain persnickety little firecracker almost happy. She would still hate me, but... more warmly, if that isn't honestly the point either. She can't help herself I think. Hmm, I have a ton of other things on my financial plate atm, but I am considering it for a Christmas gift. Rather than a plane ticket to visit, especially if I am as laid out as I am now. No one likes to play with mostly dead hosts. The price is a little high, and higher if you go all out (as much as all out really gets you). As I said though, for what it is looking to deliver, as I see things now, it might be the right item at the right time. Thanks for asking consumers and then actually paying attention to responses, Amazon.
The only thing I would ask, further, from Amazon, is to make sure that if I buy a book... my fault, their fault, no one's fault, that the book is mine. That disappearing book thing was not cool, not at all. Eat your mistakes. Costly? Yeah, well, that is how I learned half of what I know. Learn. And make sure, through the tech, that books in my collection cannot be altered. Do this and I might honestly think about picking up one of the lesser gizmos for myself, eventually, just... because... I am a techy and a once and possibly future voracious reader. It... just is the way of things.
Some days...
.
.
Truth is a very difficult thing to wrestle with. Some thoughts and knowledge so profound and disturbing that burying one's head in whatever medium available is by far the easiest thing to do. Some of us are just too stupid to blink or hide?
I was thinking about the time Christ intervened on behalf of a prostitute. She, being threatened with being stoned to death, was without a doubt sinning. What Jesus said, what He did, it echoes in my mind. I can almost see the event. I recognize some of the faces in the crowd. Mine!?! Yes, there, slightly to the left of the leader, stone in hand, an intent look on my face. The bitch deserves it, it is the law, it is my right and duty, after all. He who is without sin cast the first stone, I hear. What is He writing there? Oh. Oh! It was never recorded but we all know it. It might as well have been dictated to us by Jesus, to be written with our hands in the blood of our victims on the parchment of their dead skin.
And, of course, the crucifixion. I still hear people suggest it was the Jews, or even the Romans, who murdered Christ. It was their blood-lust and hunger for power that took our Lord and Master away. No, it wasn't. And He is being killed every day by the only murderer with whom we need concern ourselves. Us, individually. It wasn't the Romans, the Jews, the world, or Satan, it was our own personal sins which murdered Christ. It was me, for my sake, you for your sake, and so on. Actually, the men who committed the deed were more honest and forthright in doing their duties for which God called them than are we, in some ways. They did Father's will, do we, when it gets hard?
It is a bitter cup. The truth hurts, and all that. Many look away, it is far easier. Just do little good things, and let the rest go. Don't look too hard, it was not and is not your cross. But it is. Jesus asked that we be forgiven, for we know not what we do. In those few words, He knowingly put into words exactly what He was doing on the cross. But, we do know. We know very well. If not, true enough, always and everywhere. We easily get swept up into doing wrong, herd animals and beings mired in flesh that we can so easily be.
Hard. Disturbing. Doubt me at your leisure, just understand I am not Christ, I do believe we know what we are doing. I know that I know what I am doing. I am not sure which is worse, deluding oneself or... not. Well, I think I do. Pointing fingers you say? Perhaps, but I don't do it without the full understanding of what that means. And I accept the penalty.
Good day.
.
Truth is a very difficult thing to wrestle with. Some thoughts and knowledge so profound and disturbing that burying one's head in whatever medium available is by far the easiest thing to do. Some of us are just too stupid to blink or hide?
I was thinking about the time Christ intervened on behalf of a prostitute. She, being threatened with being stoned to death, was without a doubt sinning. What Jesus said, what He did, it echoes in my mind. I can almost see the event. I recognize some of the faces in the crowd. Mine!?! Yes, there, slightly to the left of the leader, stone in hand, an intent look on my face. The bitch deserves it, it is the law, it is my right and duty, after all. He who is without sin cast the first stone, I hear. What is He writing there? Oh. Oh! It was never recorded but we all know it. It might as well have been dictated to us by Jesus, to be written with our hands in the blood of our victims on the parchment of their dead skin.
And, of course, the crucifixion. I still hear people suggest it was the Jews, or even the Romans, who murdered Christ. It was their blood-lust and hunger for power that took our Lord and Master away. No, it wasn't. And He is being killed every day by the only murderer with whom we need concern ourselves. Us, individually. It wasn't the Romans, the Jews, the world, or Satan, it was our own personal sins which murdered Christ. It was me, for my sake, you for your sake, and so on. Actually, the men who committed the deed were more honest and forthright in doing their duties for which God called them than are we, in some ways. They did Father's will, do we, when it gets hard?
It is a bitter cup. The truth hurts, and all that. Many look away, it is far easier. Just do little good things, and let the rest go. Don't look too hard, it was not and is not your cross. But it is. Jesus asked that we be forgiven, for we know not what we do. In those few words, He knowingly put into words exactly what He was doing on the cross. But, we do know. We know very well. If not, true enough, always and everywhere. We easily get swept up into doing wrong, herd animals and beings mired in flesh that we can so easily be.
Hard. Disturbing. Doubt me at your leisure, just understand I am not Christ, I do believe we know what we are doing. I know that I know what I am doing. I am not sure which is worse, deluding oneself or... not. Well, I think I do. Pointing fingers you say? Perhaps, but I don't do it without the full understanding of what that means. And I accept the penalty.
Good day.
Not so great.
.
.
The pain is odd. My hips and butt are sore, like I had ridden a horse for a couple hours for the first time in decades a couple of days ago. Yeah, I remember what saddle sore really means, even if it has been decades. Every summer I would begin saddle breaking horses again after the winter off I would go through a week of this hard, then another two weeks of just some soreness now and then. Riding hours a day on sometimes recalcitrant beasts, having to use all parts of the lower body, heavily. Actually, when riding using various methods, all muscle groups get hit. Many people think you just sit and say giddee up. Sometimes you are out of the saddle and crouched like a runner, sometimes you simple stand in the stirrups, sometimes you do just sit. Depends on what you and your ride seem to need to make some things happen. Well, and balance is a thing you have to have, which also quietly uses everything. More so when you are really hitting the limits of the horse or mule, a must to train the animal out. Yes, that is what the pain is like, if far less than that first jolt of pain I used to go through.
Never a worry though. If I am able to get my mind and body working, I work through pain, sickness, even heat just fine. Unfortunately that is not the case today. I simply don't have anything to give, so far. Oh, I'm... keeping my eyes on it. If I see a window, even a small one, I will use it to further my ends. Trash and kitty litter today, regardless. At which time I might be able to squeeze in some kitty litter pan cleaning. Actually, I might figure out how to scrub the empty "fresh" pans before the change. Perhaps even washing them out twice, with time to air dry, if I am "lucky". My eye is on the calendar, the clock, and the tasks I have set out. I really need to get this going, I just don't know how. Never mind. I'll figure something out.
Later.
.
The pain is odd. My hips and butt are sore, like I had ridden a horse for a couple hours for the first time in decades a couple of days ago. Yeah, I remember what saddle sore really means, even if it has been decades. Every summer I would begin saddle breaking horses again after the winter off I would go through a week of this hard, then another two weeks of just some soreness now and then. Riding hours a day on sometimes recalcitrant beasts, having to use all parts of the lower body, heavily. Actually, when riding using various methods, all muscle groups get hit. Many people think you just sit and say giddee up. Sometimes you are out of the saddle and crouched like a runner, sometimes you simple stand in the stirrups, sometimes you do just sit. Depends on what you and your ride seem to need to make some things happen. Well, and balance is a thing you have to have, which also quietly uses everything. More so when you are really hitting the limits of the horse or mule, a must to train the animal out. Yes, that is what the pain is like, if far less than that first jolt of pain I used to go through.
Never a worry though. If I am able to get my mind and body working, I work through pain, sickness, even heat just fine. Unfortunately that is not the case today. I simply don't have anything to give, so far. Oh, I'm... keeping my eyes on it. If I see a window, even a small one, I will use it to further my ends. Trash and kitty litter today, regardless. At which time I might be able to squeeze in some kitty litter pan cleaning. Actually, I might figure out how to scrub the empty "fresh" pans before the change. Perhaps even washing them out twice, with time to air dry, if I am "lucky". My eye is on the calendar, the clock, and the tasks I have set out. I really need to get this going, I just don't know how. Never mind. I'll figure something out.
Later.
Decided.
.
.
I don't really have anything to offer the world at large. My thoughts, memories for what they are worth or how true they may or may not be, my dreams, envisionings, and the rest are of no value. Not even really to me. I merely put them out of my misery here, often. I have decided definitely to put my blog into at least limited view mode. If you want to visit I will need your email address and a reason. If it is merely to watch the gimp dance and sing, that doesn't cut it. If it is to throw stones, talk to Christ. So, if you want to read and have the capacity to comment here...
YOU need to send me an email, with the email address you want attached to access.
IN that email, you need to include why you wish to have access. You do not need to agree, if your sole purpose is to critique, though, then I will expect that. Why do you bother? That's all. Doesn't have to be a perfect reason, even a good reason, just... why?
I am leaving this blog open for a week. If I am seeing things correctly, you have until September 20, 2012 to choose. On September 21, this blog will be closed. After that I will still take applications, but the site will be closed to you until you gain access. Hey, it's a lot more honest than simply shutting down comments. It slays me that someone would continue to write publicly while not allowing comments. I just don't like people who hate what is written here sneaking in and then sniping at me from the shadows in real life, fearing even this old and actually kindly gimp. Cowards have to be excluded.
.
I don't really have anything to offer the world at large. My thoughts, memories for what they are worth or how true they may or may not be, my dreams, envisionings, and the rest are of no value. Not even really to me. I merely put them out of my misery here, often. I have decided definitely to put my blog into at least limited view mode. If you want to visit I will need your email address and a reason. If it is merely to watch the gimp dance and sing, that doesn't cut it. If it is to throw stones, talk to Christ. So, if you want to read and have the capacity to comment here...
YOU need to send me an email, with the email address you want attached to access.
IN that email, you need to include why you wish to have access. You do not need to agree, if your sole purpose is to critique, though, then I will expect that. Why do you bother? That's all. Doesn't have to be a perfect reason, even a good reason, just... why?
I am leaving this blog open for a week. If I am seeing things correctly, you have until September 20, 2012 to choose. On September 21, this blog will be closed. After that I will still take applications, but the site will be closed to you until you gain access. Hey, it's a lot more honest than simply shutting down comments. It slays me that someone would continue to write publicly while not allowing comments. I just don't like people who hate what is written here sneaking in and then sniping at me from the shadows in real life, fearing even this old and actually kindly gimp. Cowards have to be excluded.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Nap? Not so much.
.
.
I did find my phone and placed a call. My brother was there, trying to write a paper for school. Well, and tend his girls. Now his girls are human, have three names to them, and can be a bit more demanding. It is... always interesting talking to him. Ah but we had a good if broken conversation. Somehow we got onto food and I asked if he remembered home made menudo, a Mexican soup using tripe (and maybe fresh pork hocks to help thicken), from when we were kids. Remember, he says? He makes it! He told me it was easy and gave me an outline. He just suggested I needed a pressure cooker. Check. You clean and dice the tripe, pressure cook that with some portion of water, then make a... it sounded like a roux, using more traditional Mexican spices and such albeit. Adding various things like homily while stewing, fresh onions (for me) in the bowl, and maybe cheese. Tortillas go well with it as an edible spoon or even just for dipping. He wants me to make it and report back, suggesting the full recipes can easily be found online. Okies, if it might be a week or two. All good there. I found it interesting to note that, as a former part-time Iowa boy, he officially thinks his part of Texas is worse on the heat and humidity side, if their winters are far milder. Anyway, we spoke for some time. It was good. I was then quite ready for my nap.
As I tried to nap I was thinking about God, heaven, and such. As I went in and out of sleep I had an odd sort of dream. In it I made it to heaven. Not a presumption by any means, just a dream. I actually... fared well if you look at things that way. I did above average, was awarded a better residence, and was given tasks commensurate with my achievements. I felt out of place there, though. It felt wrong. So I spoke with the one who oversaw placements and housing. I asked for a change. Oh? You think you deserve better? No, no, not at all. And, really, I suggested it wasn't about deserving or such, just that I felt a bit out of my element. What can I do for you then, he asked? First, could I apply for a simpler place to live. Even a small hut, near a lake, with windows out to the landscape and water rather than into the city. He thought he could arrange that. Anything else, he asked. Just one more thing, if it isn't too much trouble. Go on, he said. I was hoping to work as a servant and groundskeeper. I don't want to be the chef, or someone who shines in their duties, just someone who does the background work that would only be missed were it left undone. Setting up the dining hall, mowing lawns, cutting weeds, and the like. A little variety, some indoors, some outdoors, something along those lines. My health was restored, you see, making it possible for me to work again. I got my wish. He asked about not getting to be with God for meals. I suggested that, just as on earth, if I bow my head that God would be with me, here or there. As it turns out, God visited us at many of our meals just the same and in person as if I had sat at the regular table, only it was a far more intimate setting. While all just a dream, it does represent my thoughts. If I don't quite think that will be what heaven is either, thinking that heaven will be the place of accounting, and maybe learning, before we go on to... whatever God finally intends. I've had similar thoughts before, just never saw it in movie form. Still, I couldn't stay asleep long at all, even if I am still bone weary, and my eyes are like windblown dust filled burning orbs. Ah well. It was a good dream.
Hmm, might try sleep again.
.
I did find my phone and placed a call. My brother was there, trying to write a paper for school. Well, and tend his girls. Now his girls are human, have three names to them, and can be a bit more demanding. It is... always interesting talking to him. Ah but we had a good if broken conversation. Somehow we got onto food and I asked if he remembered home made menudo, a Mexican soup using tripe (and maybe fresh pork hocks to help thicken), from when we were kids. Remember, he says? He makes it! He told me it was easy and gave me an outline. He just suggested I needed a pressure cooker. Check. You clean and dice the tripe, pressure cook that with some portion of water, then make a... it sounded like a roux, using more traditional Mexican spices and such albeit. Adding various things like homily while stewing, fresh onions (for me) in the bowl, and maybe cheese. Tortillas go well with it as an edible spoon or even just for dipping. He wants me to make it and report back, suggesting the full recipes can easily be found online. Okies, if it might be a week or two. All good there. I found it interesting to note that, as a former part-time Iowa boy, he officially thinks his part of Texas is worse on the heat and humidity side, if their winters are far milder. Anyway, we spoke for some time. It was good. I was then quite ready for my nap.
As I tried to nap I was thinking about God, heaven, and such. As I went in and out of sleep I had an odd sort of dream. In it I made it to heaven. Not a presumption by any means, just a dream. I actually... fared well if you look at things that way. I did above average, was awarded a better residence, and was given tasks commensurate with my achievements. I felt out of place there, though. It felt wrong. So I spoke with the one who oversaw placements and housing. I asked for a change. Oh? You think you deserve better? No, no, not at all. And, really, I suggested it wasn't about deserving or such, just that I felt a bit out of my element. What can I do for you then, he asked? First, could I apply for a simpler place to live. Even a small hut, near a lake, with windows out to the landscape and water rather than into the city. He thought he could arrange that. Anything else, he asked. Just one more thing, if it isn't too much trouble. Go on, he said. I was hoping to work as a servant and groundskeeper. I don't want to be the chef, or someone who shines in their duties, just someone who does the background work that would only be missed were it left undone. Setting up the dining hall, mowing lawns, cutting weeds, and the like. A little variety, some indoors, some outdoors, something along those lines. My health was restored, you see, making it possible for me to work again. I got my wish. He asked about not getting to be with God for meals. I suggested that, just as on earth, if I bow my head that God would be with me, here or there. As it turns out, God visited us at many of our meals just the same and in person as if I had sat at the regular table, only it was a far more intimate setting. While all just a dream, it does represent my thoughts. If I don't quite think that will be what heaven is either, thinking that heaven will be the place of accounting, and maybe learning, before we go on to... whatever God finally intends. I've had similar thoughts before, just never saw it in movie form. Still, I couldn't stay asleep long at all, even if I am still bone weary, and my eyes are like windblown dust filled burning orbs. Ah well. It was a good dream.
Hmm, might try sleep again.
It's not going very well.
.
.
I did plan work. I had to keep changing the time. I see now that it just isn't going to happen. I had actually, this morning, thought I might have my room torn apart, a load of dishes in, and bits of the kitchen under way by the time I went to bed tonight. I put that in my head and... focused. The plan was targeted, I set the alarm both to feed the girls and get going, since it simply wasn't available to me right then. I did feed the cats. I then just thought I could get to it a little later, so reset the alarm. A 'little later' never arrived. I simply don't have anything to give today. I won't say yesterday wore me out just that life has. I am even a bit sore today. Well, there is tomorrow, and the day after, and so on. All I know is I won't be making a public appearance until I have cleaned and aired out my home, washed my clothes and bedding, and aired out my mattress. Which... at this rate... may take a couple of weeks.
I noticed something about non-alcoholic wine being better from you, with the caveat that I read that from msm and the report was scientific. Now, I do believe in the sciences, the scientific method, and whatnot, up to... their limits mind you. I just wish they were used more often in what passes for science is all. In any case, I got sort of excited about it. I do enjoy a good wine if a bit too much. I had never heard of non-alcoholic wine before, so I began doing research while writing a post dedicated to the stuff. The article and what research I could find, then a number of online sellers, but what of taste I thought. So, I dug into that. Ah, the sticking point. I have heard it described as terrible. The ratings got worse from there. I heard people who actually liked non-alcoholic beer putting it down! I even went to a site for epileptics, who can't drink, and found a wine connoisseur who had looked and was still looking for a good n/a wine. Wouch. So, I scrapped the post. Hey, I try, but dead ducks simply don't fly and I won't pretend they do. If I want wine from now on, other than very rarely and buying only one bottle of the stuff at a time, I will stick with grape juice.
Tired, too, again, already. A nap? Yes, that might do. But before that I may call my brother. Hopefully just a short call. We are such different people though, and so much time has passed. Sometimes I have no idea what to discuss. Married men and bachelors are often on the opposite sides of the universe in so many ways too. I know he likes hearing from me as much as I like speaking with him. I know he is in pain. Hmm, yes, a call. All I can do is try.
Have a good day. If you are tired, part of my nap will be for you.
.
I did plan work. I had to keep changing the time. I see now that it just isn't going to happen. I had actually, this morning, thought I might have my room torn apart, a load of dishes in, and bits of the kitchen under way by the time I went to bed tonight. I put that in my head and... focused. The plan was targeted, I set the alarm both to feed the girls and get going, since it simply wasn't available to me right then. I did feed the cats. I then just thought I could get to it a little later, so reset the alarm. A 'little later' never arrived. I simply don't have anything to give today. I won't say yesterday wore me out just that life has. I am even a bit sore today. Well, there is tomorrow, and the day after, and so on. All I know is I won't be making a public appearance until I have cleaned and aired out my home, washed my clothes and bedding, and aired out my mattress. Which... at this rate... may take a couple of weeks.
I noticed something about non-alcoholic wine being better from you, with the caveat that I read that from msm and the report was scientific. Now, I do believe in the sciences, the scientific method, and whatnot, up to... their limits mind you. I just wish they were used more often in what passes for science is all. In any case, I got sort of excited about it. I do enjoy a good wine if a bit too much. I had never heard of non-alcoholic wine before, so I began doing research while writing a post dedicated to the stuff. The article and what research I could find, then a number of online sellers, but what of taste I thought. So, I dug into that. Ah, the sticking point. I have heard it described as terrible. The ratings got worse from there. I heard people who actually liked non-alcoholic beer putting it down! I even went to a site for epileptics, who can't drink, and found a wine connoisseur who had looked and was still looking for a good n/a wine. Wouch. So, I scrapped the post. Hey, I try, but dead ducks simply don't fly and I won't pretend they do. If I want wine from now on, other than very rarely and buying only one bottle of the stuff at a time, I will stick with grape juice.
Tired, too, again, already. A nap? Yes, that might do. But before that I may call my brother. Hopefully just a short call. We are such different people though, and so much time has passed. Sometimes I have no idea what to discuss. Married men and bachelors are often on the opposite sides of the universe in so many ways too. I know he likes hearing from me as much as I like speaking with him. I know he is in pain. Hmm, yes, a call. All I can do is try.
Have a good day. If you are tired, part of my nap will be for you.
Gah? Is it so hard?
.
.
While I have question some politicians, I keep getting flak. Fine, it is a serious season, more so than most. People ARE at wits and emotional reserve ends with the financial, political, legal and illegal, and social events taking place in our country. Fine, I can see that, going through it myself. But after watching the news (mostly from conservative circles, mind you), I have yet to see any presidential pledges from either party. Seriously, nada. And so I have serious questions.
Well, today, at one site, I was having some serious tit-for-tat with a pro-Romney guy. No, he is always crass and rude, so I didn't mind that part. Oh? He makes me look like, I dunno, Barney Fife, when he fires on all eight. I just ignore the tough guy stuff sort of how my girls treat me when I'm in a grump. Just... the food or facts in my case, thanks... Anyway, after three or four barrages across each other's bow without anything really sinking in, he shot me a link, along with his typical snide nasty remarks. (I must remember to save some of them, occasionally what he says is... deliciously atrocious, though not in this case, sadly). After reading... oh... say 15 pages of meat, I... liked what I was reading. Now, I had to ignore a LOT of it though, as I don't care about what he thinks of Obama, or even the problems other than that he notes them rightly, or what other people think of the problems or Obama. Still, it seems (I am still reading) as though Mitt has a plan, it is in order, and... Well, let me finish the reading and check some stuff on the side before I say more. Just that this might do, at least for more serious contemplation. I just thought to share this the link with anyone else who hasn't seen nor heard. Of course... it is big. I would prefer a more consolidated and public thing, but... Yeah... I might even understand why not. I told him a good one, I think, though. I asked him if it was really so hard to shoot the link. All that work made me feel like I was pulling a bugger out of his nose with a stinky fishhook!
Advice for reading? Checking the area header, if it looks to have meat review it a bit. But a lot of areas are just... typical political eye-crossing stuff. Get to what he plans to do, or... says he plans to do. I'll give him, mostly, the benefit of the doubt, within his capacity. I do think he will get things done, but some things do bother me too (trying to change the rules, actually did I think, and not in a good way for grassroots). Anyway...
.
While I have question some politicians, I keep getting flak. Fine, it is a serious season, more so than most. People ARE at wits and emotional reserve ends with the financial, political, legal and illegal, and social events taking place in our country. Fine, I can see that, going through it myself. But after watching the news (mostly from conservative circles, mind you), I have yet to see any presidential pledges from either party. Seriously, nada. And so I have serious questions.
Well, today, at one site, I was having some serious tit-for-tat with a pro-Romney guy. No, he is always crass and rude, so I didn't mind that part. Oh? He makes me look like, I dunno, Barney Fife, when he fires on all eight. I just ignore the tough guy stuff sort of how my girls treat me when I'm in a grump. Just... the food or facts in my case, thanks... Anyway, after three or four barrages across each other's bow without anything really sinking in, he shot me a link, along with his typical snide nasty remarks. (I must remember to save some of them, occasionally what he says is... deliciously atrocious, though not in this case, sadly). After reading... oh... say 15 pages of meat, I... liked what I was reading. Now, I had to ignore a LOT of it though, as I don't care about what he thinks of Obama, or even the problems other than that he notes them rightly, or what other people think of the problems or Obama. Still, it seems (I am still reading) as though Mitt has a plan, it is in order, and... Well, let me finish the reading and check some stuff on the side before I say more. Just that this might do, at least for more serious contemplation. I just thought to share this the link with anyone else who hasn't seen nor heard. Of course... it is big. I would prefer a more consolidated and public thing, but... Yeah... I might even understand why not. I told him a good one, I think, though. I asked him if it was really so hard to shoot the link. All that work made me feel like I was pulling a bugger out of his nose with a stinky fishhook!
Advice for reading? Checking the area header, if it looks to have meat review it a bit. But a lot of areas are just... typical political eye-crossing stuff. Get to what he plans to do, or... says he plans to do. I'll give him, mostly, the benefit of the doubt, within his capacity. I do think he will get things done, but some things do bother me too (trying to change the rules, actually did I think, and not in a good way for grassroots). Anyway...
Whatever else it is a beautiful morning.
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With the sun becoming more of a friend than a foe as the season changes my curtains can begin to be open again. This morning just a small bit, as the sun still makes gaming a bit tricky when it is rising. I really ought to get a wall mount for the tv, so I can adjust angle and pitch so as to have the curtains open. Still, a little bit open so I can watch the sun rise over the eastern range is a wonderful thing. Even a tiny little window view into the outside world makes my home feel less like what I remember of submarines and more like what I remember as a child. My mother was big on open curtains and windows when possible, sunlight, fresh air, clean and bright, and... well... typically what I see as a standard part of good women, mothers, world wide. Yes, that means I think men tend to be more like cave dwellers, if for reasons that also make sense. Security, focus on other matters, aesthetics behind purpose, use, security. It's the mix that... works. I need to find the 'wife store' and go shopping.
Waking up grumpy, a bit, and having dreams of some disturbing nature or other, doesn't make for pleasant waking moments. I definitely understand why my father liked to wake at 5:00 every morning. He could go through his gorilla routine alone when he had them and be done with it in time to be more pleasant when the rest of us were up and moving. Oh, I think women go through it too, just not as testosterone driven if pretty gnarly sometimes. It all settles into a nice rhythm sometimes, usually, though. And it only affects me and the girls, who... don't even fear me in my "moods". Blasted cats know me too well! YaRgh! Today is a grumpy morning, if again my mind is clearer. I am thinking yesterday wasn't a fluke. I feel compelled to get to cleaning though today might not quite be the day to dig in, either. I will simply have to see if the body follows the mind as it did yesterday. What little I did yesterday was still a relative local maximum.
Brushing my teeth will go forward again. Perhaps that was all the smell was? My tobacco also hides bad breath, oddly. Its kills germs and perhaps bacteria in the mouth, good and bad though. Since I hadn't brushed in... a while... until yesterday, and I didn't have tobacco in my mouth for two hours before trying to talk to someone... all combined... that might have been the problem with that. My voice was very rough, like I had a serious frog in my throat. I might have seemed more like a lumbering zombie than a man! If I have bad breath I can usually smell, even taste, it. Though, as I said, there is always the fear that one smells like a goat and has simply become inured to the odor. I wonder, because why would I have smelled the smell getting into the vehicle the third time, but not the first or second time? If I am inured, why would I have smelled it at all? The only difference was that I had eaten before entering my vehicle the third time. Yes, this is important to me. A man won't be taken seriously, at all, if he smells like an animal. People will avoid him, personally, but just as much socially. Now, we all do smell bad at times, but... not usually horrendously, offensively, or without cause and in the wrong places. It was obvious I had showered. My clothes at least looked clean, my shirt even has a slight chlorine smell to it which I do like for white button-downs. Dunno, still digging on that.
I am, if nothing else, taking stock of what needs to be cleaned, making the list of first and last, battle plans on how to do several things at once, and as I go about my daily affairs otherwise I check my cleaning supplies. This will be an epic clean and sweep, and good timing too. My mother always did major house cleaning in the spring and fall, before frost and after serious cold so as to air the place on top of the cleaning. It makes sense. Oh, she cleaned regularly too, bed changes at least weekly (save for, uhm, bedwetters) and all that, and had quarterly heavy cleans, but... I'm talking house shaking, room re-ordering, furniture changing and moving, everything up/off/out/back events after the cold and hot times. I have simply been... drifting on that. She would get a fire in her eyes and we did our absolute best to comply (and hide when we were completely done in). Boy but did she have fire in her when things in her mind had reached a certain point and certain other factors (schools out, yeah! Not os fast there...)! And the strength to command ten grown men to work themselves into piles of gibbering goo too! *zouches* Fond memories, though, in their own right.
.
With the sun becoming more of a friend than a foe as the season changes my curtains can begin to be open again. This morning just a small bit, as the sun still makes gaming a bit tricky when it is rising. I really ought to get a wall mount for the tv, so I can adjust angle and pitch so as to have the curtains open. Still, a little bit open so I can watch the sun rise over the eastern range is a wonderful thing. Even a tiny little window view into the outside world makes my home feel less like what I remember of submarines and more like what I remember as a child. My mother was big on open curtains and windows when possible, sunlight, fresh air, clean and bright, and... well... typically what I see as a standard part of good women, mothers, world wide. Yes, that means I think men tend to be more like cave dwellers, if for reasons that also make sense. Security, focus on other matters, aesthetics behind purpose, use, security. It's the mix that... works. I need to find the 'wife store' and go shopping.
Waking up grumpy, a bit, and having dreams of some disturbing nature or other, doesn't make for pleasant waking moments. I definitely understand why my father liked to wake at 5:00 every morning. He could go through his gorilla routine alone when he had them and be done with it in time to be more pleasant when the rest of us were up and moving. Oh, I think women go through it too, just not as testosterone driven if pretty gnarly sometimes. It all settles into a nice rhythm sometimes, usually, though. And it only affects me and the girls, who... don't even fear me in my "moods". Blasted cats know me too well! YaRgh! Today is a grumpy morning, if again my mind is clearer. I am thinking yesterday wasn't a fluke. I feel compelled to get to cleaning though today might not quite be the day to dig in, either. I will simply have to see if the body follows the mind as it did yesterday. What little I did yesterday was still a relative local maximum.
Brushing my teeth will go forward again. Perhaps that was all the smell was? My tobacco also hides bad breath, oddly. Its kills germs and perhaps bacteria in the mouth, good and bad though. Since I hadn't brushed in... a while... until yesterday, and I didn't have tobacco in my mouth for two hours before trying to talk to someone... all combined... that might have been the problem with that. My voice was very rough, like I had a serious frog in my throat. I might have seemed more like a lumbering zombie than a man! If I have bad breath I can usually smell, even taste, it. Though, as I said, there is always the fear that one smells like a goat and has simply become inured to the odor. I wonder, because why would I have smelled the smell getting into the vehicle the third time, but not the first or second time? If I am inured, why would I have smelled it at all? The only difference was that I had eaten before entering my vehicle the third time. Yes, this is important to me. A man won't be taken seriously, at all, if he smells like an animal. People will avoid him, personally, but just as much socially. Now, we all do smell bad at times, but... not usually horrendously, offensively, or without cause and in the wrong places. It was obvious I had showered. My clothes at least looked clean, my shirt even has a slight chlorine smell to it which I do like for white button-downs. Dunno, still digging on that.
I am, if nothing else, taking stock of what needs to be cleaned, making the list of first and last, battle plans on how to do several things at once, and as I go about my daily affairs otherwise I check my cleaning supplies. This will be an epic clean and sweep, and good timing too. My mother always did major house cleaning in the spring and fall, before frost and after serious cold so as to air the place on top of the cleaning. It makes sense. Oh, she cleaned regularly too, bed changes at least weekly (save for, uhm, bedwetters) and all that, and had quarterly heavy cleans, but... I'm talking house shaking, room re-ordering, furniture changing and moving, everything up/off/out/back events after the cold and hot times. I have simply been... drifting on that. She would get a fire in her eyes and we did our absolute best to comply (and hide when we were completely done in). Boy but did she have fire in her when things in her mind had reached a certain point and certain other factors (schools out, yeah! Not os fast there...)! And the strength to command ten grown men to work themselves into piles of gibbering goo too! *zouches* Fond memories, though, in their own right.
Food!?!
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As I consider banning most readership, there are things I can post. Just no ideas or anything personal, for the moment.
For those of you who have difficulty getting food, this might be for you. I have trouble with food for any number of reasons. Doing dishes can be too much. The task gets backed up, the kitchen falls into disarray, it all spirals into no place or tools with which to cook. Yes, I do have food coming in. And that has helped immensely. But I wanted to build on that. And I have.
There are good and bad things to eat out there, but if you are very hungry the difference is small. With a little bit of planning, things can work so you eat less of the really bad stuff, only some of the sort of bad stuff, and more of the good stuff. When I say bad, I mean empty calories nutrition wise. The more and fresher the nutrients, the better. But that just isn't possible, even for a meal a week here, save when it comes in. So, I started looking at the options.
While certainly not perfect, any calorie in with some claim to nutrition is better than nothing, or worse feasting and fasting cycles. I have been trying various things. What has been good have been Nature Valley granola bars, Kellog's nutri-grain bars, mixed bags of nuts, cheese or peanut butter cracker bars, and even ramen noodles. Yeah, each has it's problems and good points. It beats starving while trying to figure out fresh foods I can't eat quickly enough so they go bad or some other "healthy" system. And a hundred and fifty calories helps a bunch once in a while. Actually I am now down to 260 even. I tried insta-mac and cheese and... no. Not even I can do that. It's mush, with mush on the side. Boxed is okay, but not nuke stuff, though the boxed stuff requires a pot and all else, so is no better than fresh foods for this purpose.
Most of those foods are good enough. And they are supplemented by local 'mom's home cooking'. Plus, once in a while, I can supplement a real meal or two in there. Most of that food is good enough as is, save the ramen noodles. Way too salty, and yet so convenient, so I tried something these last two tries of it. If you make ramen noodles, as the stuff stews for that last minute? Add a teaspoon (two if you are eating a double pack) of butter. It cuts the salty taste to nothing and adds delicious as a final ingredient! Because it is still so salty, and I do trust the docs a little bit, I don't eat that often. But sometimes I need something hot. Cold food is good enough mostly, but it just won't do all of the time. And, well, I don't eat much salt anyway. Probably not enough to be honest, so I don't mind infusing salt laden food into my diet once or twice a week.
If you have to keep it simple, can't keep up on shopping, can't keep up on dishes, and actually are overweight anyway? Do it. You might be surprised what eating a few extra calories, even so-called unhealthy calories, does for you, and your waistline. I've dropped 14 pounds from my lowest in decades range of weights this summer, even right through a hard personal down cycle, by just figuring out how to get a few more calories into my ogre half-dead lump. My max was 350 ever, but recently it has ranged from 274 to 300... until I started figuring out how to get food in my face regularly... that's as much as 40 off, a 13% sale, but the bottom line hasn't been reached either!
Just... do it.
.
As I consider banning most readership, there are things I can post. Just no ideas or anything personal, for the moment.
For those of you who have difficulty getting food, this might be for you. I have trouble with food for any number of reasons. Doing dishes can be too much. The task gets backed up, the kitchen falls into disarray, it all spirals into no place or tools with which to cook. Yes, I do have food coming in. And that has helped immensely. But I wanted to build on that. And I have.
There are good and bad things to eat out there, but if you are very hungry the difference is small. With a little bit of planning, things can work so you eat less of the really bad stuff, only some of the sort of bad stuff, and more of the good stuff. When I say bad, I mean empty calories nutrition wise. The more and fresher the nutrients, the better. But that just isn't possible, even for a meal a week here, save when it comes in. So, I started looking at the options.
While certainly not perfect, any calorie in with some claim to nutrition is better than nothing, or worse feasting and fasting cycles. I have been trying various things. What has been good have been Nature Valley granola bars, Kellog's nutri-grain bars, mixed bags of nuts, cheese or peanut butter cracker bars, and even ramen noodles. Yeah, each has it's problems and good points. It beats starving while trying to figure out fresh foods I can't eat quickly enough so they go bad or some other "healthy" system. And a hundred and fifty calories helps a bunch once in a while. Actually I am now down to 260 even. I tried insta-mac and cheese and... no. Not even I can do that. It's mush, with mush on the side. Boxed is okay, but not nuke stuff, though the boxed stuff requires a pot and all else, so is no better than fresh foods for this purpose.
Most of those foods are good enough. And they are supplemented by local 'mom's home cooking'. Plus, once in a while, I can supplement a real meal or two in there. Most of that food is good enough as is, save the ramen noodles. Way too salty, and yet so convenient, so I tried something these last two tries of it. If you make ramen noodles, as the stuff stews for that last minute? Add a teaspoon (two if you are eating a double pack) of butter. It cuts the salty taste to nothing and adds delicious as a final ingredient! Because it is still so salty, and I do trust the docs a little bit, I don't eat that often. But sometimes I need something hot. Cold food is good enough mostly, but it just won't do all of the time. And, well, I don't eat much salt anyway. Probably not enough to be honest, so I don't mind infusing salt laden food into my diet once or twice a week.
If you have to keep it simple, can't keep up on shopping, can't keep up on dishes, and actually are overweight anyway? Do it. You might be surprised what eating a few extra calories, even so-called unhealthy calories, does for you, and your waistline. I've dropped 14 pounds from my lowest in decades range of weights this summer, even right through a hard personal down cycle, by just figuring out how to get a few more calories into my ogre half-dead lump. My max was 350 ever, but recently it has ranged from 274 to 300... until I started figuring out how to get food in my face regularly... that's as much as 40 off, a 13% sale, but the bottom line hasn't been reached either!
Just... do it.
Time to begin closing up public shop.
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Since I thought I was, pretty much, unread, I left things pretty open hereabouts. No one commented save a few, really just one now, and even he hasn't been saying much lately. Heck, no one I knew admitted to reading here, if recently people I knew asked if they could call me Doom (supposedly based on my email name if I knew better). I have had suspicions, but I just let them linger, not really investigating the truth. Just as you might suspect someone knows more about you then they let on but in your busy day you do not have the time to investigate, beside which you don't really... how to put this... care. However, I think that time is over. This blog was only ever a place for my thoughts. They are unedited, mostly. They aren't really even for my perusal. They are just a box to store things that pop up in my head, worry me, make me angry, points to think about, even quite often playing the devil's advocate, or make some poetic, real, or imagined idea of what and who I am, what the world could, should, should not, might, in my belief, will be, or even a purposeful mischaracterization of reality to try to get to the bone through the meat, show my disgust, or see what the pig looks like without lipstick.
Children cannot be expected to understand, that often includes actual children, liberals, and many or most women. Many women, for example, love poetry because they can believe that it is about them, for them, to them. Liberals fail to comprehend their own assholes, so often look to fill the void. Denying God and His truth leaves a HUGE void. Children just aren't capable of understanding, beside being strangled by their mother's apron strings and neurosis. Sure, there are some women I would allow to continue reading here. I can think of three, even if I don't think they always get it (if I can't even say I always "get it" though either as there often isn't a point, and it doesn't always make sense nor is it supposed to make sense... rambling thoughts, dreams, etc.), I do believe they are mature enough to let it be or even... comment (such brave lasses) if they like and even once in a rare occasion if they don't like the notions presented here. And, I was teasing. Commenting here, good or bad, would never get you in trouble by me. If I might ask you to ponder the thing on your own tree of woe. I live on the tree of woe so I don't mind handing out that homework.
I will be looking over how to limit access, and how to make it stick, in this next week or two. And can't say I will definitively limit access, but at this point it seems the wiser choice. There may be no point to it, the worst of the liberal types seem to be exceptional hackers. If people who disagree with things would comment, that would be different. But when they disagree and simply sulk in the shadows, are people with whom I have association in the real world, and they snipe or jeer in real life, I won't allow that. Either stand up and be counted or sit down and shut up, you can't have it both ways... you begin looking like an enemy, a threat. Oh, you say, but that doesn't mean anything. Oh? Look at what lefties do when someone doesn't do what they like. I have to wonder what these little people have done to stab, or try to stab, me in the back.
I'll simply be considering this idea, looking at options, and such, over the next week or two. All other discussions, thoughts, and activities will no longer be written here, for now. Sound the alarm, to general quarters and stations! Man the guns and damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!
.
Since I thought I was, pretty much, unread, I left things pretty open hereabouts. No one commented save a few, really just one now, and even he hasn't been saying much lately. Heck, no one I knew admitted to reading here, if recently people I knew asked if they could call me Doom (supposedly based on my email name if I knew better). I have had suspicions, but I just let them linger, not really investigating the truth. Just as you might suspect someone knows more about you then they let on but in your busy day you do not have the time to investigate, beside which you don't really... how to put this... care. However, I think that time is over. This blog was only ever a place for my thoughts. They are unedited, mostly. They aren't really even for my perusal. They are just a box to store things that pop up in my head, worry me, make me angry, points to think about, even quite often playing the devil's advocate, or make some poetic, real, or imagined idea of what and who I am, what the world could, should, should not, might, in my belief, will be, or even a purposeful mischaracterization of reality to try to get to the bone through the meat, show my disgust, or see what the pig looks like without lipstick.
Children cannot be expected to understand, that often includes actual children, liberals, and many or most women. Many women, for example, love poetry because they can believe that it is about them, for them, to them. Liberals fail to comprehend their own assholes, so often look to fill the void. Denying God and His truth leaves a HUGE void. Children just aren't capable of understanding, beside being strangled by their mother's apron strings and neurosis. Sure, there are some women I would allow to continue reading here. I can think of three, even if I don't think they always get it (if I can't even say I always "get it" though either as there often isn't a point, and it doesn't always make sense nor is it supposed to make sense... rambling thoughts, dreams, etc.), I do believe they are mature enough to let it be or even... comment (such brave lasses) if they like and even once in a rare occasion if they don't like the notions presented here. And, I was teasing. Commenting here, good or bad, would never get you in trouble by me. If I might ask you to ponder the thing on your own tree of woe. I live on the tree of woe so I don't mind handing out that homework.
I will be looking over how to limit access, and how to make it stick, in this next week or two. And can't say I will definitively limit access, but at this point it seems the wiser choice. There may be no point to it, the worst of the liberal types seem to be exceptional hackers. If people who disagree with things would comment, that would be different. But when they disagree and simply sulk in the shadows, are people with whom I have association in the real world, and they snipe or jeer in real life, I won't allow that. Either stand up and be counted or sit down and shut up, you can't have it both ways... you begin looking like an enemy, a threat. Oh, you say, but that doesn't mean anything. Oh? Look at what lefties do when someone doesn't do what they like. I have to wonder what these little people have done to stab, or try to stab, me in the back.
I'll simply be considering this idea, looking at options, and such, over the next week or two. All other discussions, thoughts, and activities will no longer be written here, for now. Sound the alarm, to general quarters and stations! Man the guns and damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Well?
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Okay, I did get my shower, had time to air dry, put out my clothes, checked when Mass was to be held, set the alarm, and... I didn't hear the alarm. But I had set it to go off early enough that I noticed the problem in time to alter my behavior. So, I dressed, fed the cats, got tobacco out of my mouth and stopped eating and drinking for the full hour before Mass was to begin. I headed out early, but I always forget about how thick traffic is around noon. Still, I made it in plenty of time.
Home. I always feel that way in Church. I simply do. Not a living quarters type of home, more. Plenty early I took my time going in, in the breezeway. I thought about the first and Second temples. Considered that the Second temple became the template for this new temple I was standing in. Just thoughts, I don't know if there is meaning to them, but to me it is a way of finding my way back, from out here. I am always frightened like a rabbit when returning after not having been to Mass in a long while. My throat constricts, I can sometimes barely breath, talk, say the prayers, sing. Like a dog at the end of his leash. Why? Many reasons. I am not sinless, but... more. People too, but they aren't the largest or even a huge part of it unless the pews are packed. Today was no different.
I approached the font and crossed, I went to my pew and kneeled, I entered my pew and went to my knees. I like to pray longer, but when in the scared rabbit phase it is difficult to still my mind. I offered my prayers. I have learned to ask for Mary's intercession. Christ is her very beloved son, Jesus, after all. She was filled with grace, a thing I do not believe fades. I remembered at least the important things, a few notions about blessings I have, and closed by crossing.
I have done... something... No, not a sin, this time. At the last KoC meeting, our District Grand Knight was present. As I mentioned, we were both there early. But the thing that caught my attention, was later, when he was addressing us as a group and in an official capacity. He asked if we had officer jewels. No, not real jewels, but badges, or ribbons, worn around the neck, for the stations. We did not. He didn't comment but I... noted the look. Yes, I am prone to note such things. I had told the group that I would purchase a flag, long ago but the notion remained. When I got home that night I went to look for the flag. Finding it I put it in my 'shopping cart'. But I noticed the word "jewel" in there... somewhere. I had to hunt and peck to find it again, and it wasn't the first word in a list of words but a middle word and in smaller print.
Finding it I began to explore. I don't have a lapel pin for my new rank as a KoC 4th degree yet, either, so I had been looking for it too. In any case, I found the jewels. They aren't hugely expensive, and I did feel... a bit of shame from that look. Thin skinned much? In any case, I put most of them in the 'shopping cart', what I could afford if the group decides not to reimburse me. I am hoping they will reimburse me for some of them, but some of them are to simply be a gift... a starter, a beginning of possibly more official standing.
In any case, one of the jewels is for the group's Chaplain, which is usually the local father. As I approached father, as I was leaving, I tried to ask him if he was indeed the groups Chaplain, if so whether he had the jewels for the office. He... reacted in a way that was troubling. My voice was shot from the tension I was under and the little I had said and sung, and no fluid for two hours as well, so I wondered if that was it. Or if there was... something else? I just suggested I would speak to him at another time.
When I returned to my vehicle, a little shaken, got in, started it, I headed for a bite to eat before doing my other listed events. After lunch I returned to my vehicle and hopped in, lit it up, and... it smelled like cat feces. Oh NO! Do I smell like that? Is that what the problem is? I simply don't know. All I know is I canceled today's proposed events and I mean to clean this home from top to bottom. I don't know how I will get it done. Now, coming back home, with the windows down, it still smelled a bit like that, so maybe... I'm just overreacting to a very busy priest who really did have other things to do RIGHT AWAY. Seriously. Or... I dunno. I don't have a volunteer sniffer. Maybe that is my problem at the groups? I simply cannot tell. I don't get that reaction everywhere and always, as it would seem I should. I just don't know. No, my car is shut up in the garage, the girls can't get in to stink it or the surround up. Could I have stepped in something (as poop smells like poop whether cat, dog, or several other critters to my nose). Being on the bottom of my shoe it doesn't always reach my nose in a... timely manner. I just don't know. But it bugs me. I just can't be running around if I do smell like that.
So, for the next week, I do nothing but clean, clean, clean, air out the place, clean some more, until I... feel safe to go out. Well, I best get to it... Save... I have run all out of steam. I could have coasted through the rest of today, but I can't stack more on it. I sure hope I can get this sorted out though, and very soon. Tomorrow? I can't go out in public until I... have done what I can do. No KoC meeting this week, no more Masses. All clothes will have to be washed, all bedding, the cat litter pans will have to be cleaned and again and maybe again. The floors will have to be vacuumed, swept, and mopped, trash will have to go forward and probably bagged and tagged at least every other day... Gah! Hmm, is that what supercharges women? I bet it is.
Oh, my dentist had told me that my toothpicks, those plastic ones, were no substitute for flossing. Now, I sort of believed him (if I argued, always do don't I?). It has been... a while... since I brushed or flossed, but those 'picks are always in my mouth, exploring, picking, pulling, removing... after every meal (I HATE stuff in my teeth!), even while I chew... Anyway, in prep for Church today, I decided to floss after the shower. That floss didn't get a thing out. No-thing came out. No gunk, no junk, to slime, no nothing. I brushed, which DID pull stuff off discoloration. By the way, you do realize that originally dentists only recommended flossing. Brushing was merely an additive to home care because people hated the taste (and smell?) of just flossing. I brushed when I showered, then again right before the hour before going to Mass. Actually, that... might have caused the smell too... Just... if I haven't done that in a while it somehow opens up all the old stuff to fresh air, and it's not a happy thing.
No, doesn't matter. Clean, clean, clean, clean, air, clean, wash, clean, air... Argh!
Sorry about the book... Upset.
.
Okay, I did get my shower, had time to air dry, put out my clothes, checked when Mass was to be held, set the alarm, and... I didn't hear the alarm. But I had set it to go off early enough that I noticed the problem in time to alter my behavior. So, I dressed, fed the cats, got tobacco out of my mouth and stopped eating and drinking for the full hour before Mass was to begin. I headed out early, but I always forget about how thick traffic is around noon. Still, I made it in plenty of time.
Home. I always feel that way in Church. I simply do. Not a living quarters type of home, more. Plenty early I took my time going in, in the breezeway. I thought about the first and Second temples. Considered that the Second temple became the template for this new temple I was standing in. Just thoughts, I don't know if there is meaning to them, but to me it is a way of finding my way back, from out here. I am always frightened like a rabbit when returning after not having been to Mass in a long while. My throat constricts, I can sometimes barely breath, talk, say the prayers, sing. Like a dog at the end of his leash. Why? Many reasons. I am not sinless, but... more. People too, but they aren't the largest or even a huge part of it unless the pews are packed. Today was no different.
I approached the font and crossed, I went to my pew and kneeled, I entered my pew and went to my knees. I like to pray longer, but when in the scared rabbit phase it is difficult to still my mind. I offered my prayers. I have learned to ask for Mary's intercession. Christ is her very beloved son, Jesus, after all. She was filled with grace, a thing I do not believe fades. I remembered at least the important things, a few notions about blessings I have, and closed by crossing.
I have done... something... No, not a sin, this time. At the last KoC meeting, our District Grand Knight was present. As I mentioned, we were both there early. But the thing that caught my attention, was later, when he was addressing us as a group and in an official capacity. He asked if we had officer jewels. No, not real jewels, but badges, or ribbons, worn around the neck, for the stations. We did not. He didn't comment but I... noted the look. Yes, I am prone to note such things. I had told the group that I would purchase a flag, long ago but the notion remained. When I got home that night I went to look for the flag. Finding it I put it in my 'shopping cart'. But I noticed the word "jewel" in there... somewhere. I had to hunt and peck to find it again, and it wasn't the first word in a list of words but a middle word and in smaller print.
Finding it I began to explore. I don't have a lapel pin for my new rank as a KoC 4th degree yet, either, so I had been looking for it too. In any case, I found the jewels. They aren't hugely expensive, and I did feel... a bit of shame from that look. Thin skinned much? In any case, I put most of them in the 'shopping cart', what I could afford if the group decides not to reimburse me. I am hoping they will reimburse me for some of them, but some of them are to simply be a gift... a starter, a beginning of possibly more official standing.
In any case, one of the jewels is for the group's Chaplain, which is usually the local father. As I approached father, as I was leaving, I tried to ask him if he was indeed the groups Chaplain, if so whether he had the jewels for the office. He... reacted in a way that was troubling. My voice was shot from the tension I was under and the little I had said and sung, and no fluid for two hours as well, so I wondered if that was it. Or if there was... something else? I just suggested I would speak to him at another time.
When I returned to my vehicle, a little shaken, got in, started it, I headed for a bite to eat before doing my other listed events. After lunch I returned to my vehicle and hopped in, lit it up, and... it smelled like cat feces. Oh NO! Do I smell like that? Is that what the problem is? I simply don't know. All I know is I canceled today's proposed events and I mean to clean this home from top to bottom. I don't know how I will get it done. Now, coming back home, with the windows down, it still smelled a bit like that, so maybe... I'm just overreacting to a very busy priest who really did have other things to do RIGHT AWAY. Seriously. Or... I dunno. I don't have a volunteer sniffer. Maybe that is my problem at the groups? I simply cannot tell. I don't get that reaction everywhere and always, as it would seem I should. I just don't know. No, my car is shut up in the garage, the girls can't get in to stink it or the surround up. Could I have stepped in something (as poop smells like poop whether cat, dog, or several other critters to my nose). Being on the bottom of my shoe it doesn't always reach my nose in a... timely manner. I just don't know. But it bugs me. I just can't be running around if I do smell like that.
So, for the next week, I do nothing but clean, clean, clean, air out the place, clean some more, until I... feel safe to go out. Well, I best get to it... Save... I have run all out of steam. I could have coasted through the rest of today, but I can't stack more on it. I sure hope I can get this sorted out though, and very soon. Tomorrow? I can't go out in public until I... have done what I can do. No KoC meeting this week, no more Masses. All clothes will have to be washed, all bedding, the cat litter pans will have to be cleaned and again and maybe again. The floors will have to be vacuumed, swept, and mopped, trash will have to go forward and probably bagged and tagged at least every other day... Gah! Hmm, is that what supercharges women? I bet it is.
Oh, my dentist had told me that my toothpicks, those plastic ones, were no substitute for flossing. Now, I sort of believed him (if I argued, always do don't I?). It has been... a while... since I brushed or flossed, but those 'picks are always in my mouth, exploring, picking, pulling, removing... after every meal (I HATE stuff in my teeth!), even while I chew... Anyway, in prep for Church today, I decided to floss after the shower. That floss didn't get a thing out. No-thing came out. No gunk, no junk, to slime, no nothing. I brushed, which DID pull stuff off discoloration. By the way, you do realize that originally dentists only recommended flossing. Brushing was merely an additive to home care because people hated the taste (and smell?) of just flossing. I brushed when I showered, then again right before the hour before going to Mass. Actually, that... might have caused the smell too... Just... if I haven't done that in a while it somehow opens up all the old stuff to fresh air, and it's not a happy thing.
No, doesn't matter. Clean, clean, clean, clean, air, clean, wash, clean, air... Argh!
Sorry about the book... Upset.
WOW! Just wow!
.
.
Oh, nothing too fancy. It is just that for the first time in... weeks? months? I am awake. I am actually fully awake. I think my body has been hacked too, unlocked, maybe even over-clocked. It seems to be... at my command again. This morning is chill. I wondered if that might be it, but no. Like when it was hot and I was really down, it wasn't in the end the heat at all. And more it has been chilly for... a while now, in the early morning. I just couldn't tell, didn't know, couldn't feel. The Lord knows I love days like this. Carpe Sulum Diem
And, I have things to do. I need to get to town, maybe get to Mass if my mind and body can coordinate. I then need to do something about my vehicle tags. And finally I need to get my friend out. I don't know if he has something scheduled today and I don't know how long this will last. I can only try with what I have, right? Son, this is wonderful. This isn't how every day needs to be, but it is how I believe most people live. If they don't start out this way they have to achieve at least this level or they would not be able to work. This is absolute minimum for most of you, and it won't last long, but I have it right now.
.
Oh, nothing too fancy. It is just that for the first time in... weeks? months? I am awake. I am actually fully awake. I think my body has been hacked too, unlocked, maybe even over-clocked. It seems to be... at my command again. This morning is chill. I wondered if that might be it, but no. Like when it was hot and I was really down, it wasn't in the end the heat at all. And more it has been chilly for... a while now, in the early morning. I just couldn't tell, didn't know, couldn't feel. The Lord knows I love days like this. Carpe Sulum Diem
And, I have things to do. I need to get to town, maybe get to Mass if my mind and body can coordinate. I then need to do something about my vehicle tags. And finally I need to get my friend out. I don't know if he has something scheduled today and I don't know how long this will last. I can only try with what I have, right? Son, this is wonderful. This isn't how every day needs to be, but it is how I believe most people live. If they don't start out this way they have to achieve at least this level or they would not be able to work. This is absolute minimum for most of you, and it won't last long, but I have it right now.
A new computer?
.
.
Maybe, maybe, I keep looking. Yeah, my problem, as I said, is that every time I went component hunting I ended up with more in the bag than my wallet would allow. And with sellers it seems they have a price they want to sell computers, they have components they want to push, and it is even more difficult to get past their "sales", options, or even sometimes not get liquid cooling. Bleh. Heck, really, I shouldn't. And, most likely, I won't. Honestly, I really can't. As... if that has stopped me before. In my small silly little way I have lived a much larger-than-life existence. Oh, it is only larger when viewed through the optics of a pair of fools epic glasses(tm), though given the constraints it was at least a interesting life. Not that... that should be the goal? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be the goal, you lose more than you gain. Then again and too, I don't think it was ever the goal. I just couldn't stand still. I had to see what was over there, who she was, what the fuss was about. A victim of my own... curiosity?
Never mind. I just woke up and my mind is walking around doing in thought what I used to do in flesh. The thing is I found a site that offered a computer build in the price range I think I could handle in the nearer future, or sooner if pressed. So I went shopping. NewEgg is my preferred store if I have heard another is good too. So many... problems though, with a self-build. Simply the build itself can be somewhere between annoying and hair-pulling sessions (which actually I like until/unless it gets expensive). Buying all at once means warranties are easier to store together, along with a copy of the receipt. Buying at one place limits some problems with dealing with multiple venders. But some components are poison. Once they are out of the store's stock they just hand out the manufacturer's phone number and wish you luck. The thing about buying all at once also means that putting the monster together in short order, thus being able to test everything live and on fire, means the chances of the 30 day store warranty on what it does warrant is worth the e-paper it is written on.
So, $1500 was the target price. Alright. No double SSD start-up drives (for as much reliability as possible for the unreliable but zipper quick drives). Check. Actually, not even a double hard drive system, or even one 10k spin drive. Check. A middling cpu and video board, if that leaves room for a top end motherboard to upgrade when prices drop for the currently top end components being foregone. Check but good enough, easily, for my apps. I didn't compromise on the case if I didn't get my hearts desire either by half. I added 16GB memory in 8x2 (if only ddr3 1600), with latency at 9 (good enough for gaming). I cut and changed and added, and got the price to $1499... Oh! But shipping! That can be murder. I put that in, fearing a hundred or two, or more?!? Nope, 3-day pushed that to $1515.32. Gah! But am I a man of my convictions? Well, right now, I'm running like a little girl from her first kiss. Love hurts... At least I know it is possible, with a lot of compromise (if still 10 times the machine I have, and fully functional... well that last would be in my fumble bunny hands). Hmm, no OS though. Honestly thinking about going PC-BSD though... Gah... hardware... I aimed for PC-BSD but I would have to comb over tons of real (not just general) information on comparability. I'm also thinking about having a duel or triple OS system, getting in on Linux has always been... a consideration. And while I don't care for Windows, it offers... comparability the others simply don't, if the security difference is massive. I would want to... cage any form of Windows I got, perhaps mostly not even allowing it internet access except in very controlled ways for very specific purposes. The mind does wander in the toy store though doesn't it?
Cats have been fed, I am rested, it's cool enough for at least warm coffee which I am quaffing atm. Sam has been "let" out. She started gagging and I started my ogre routine. She knows that means it's time to go. She is usually waiting at the door even if I run past her, somehow. I do pet her, at the door, to let her know I do love her, I just don't want to clean more barf off my carpet. Even if she is snarfing somewhere I didn't see her, and behind me as I head to the back door, she ends up being there at the door ahead of me and waiting, whisping to the back door ahead of me like smoke. She is good at... not being seen, heard, or felt. And I am more than average at detection. Love that girl for her ways! Well, obviously, only... some of them.
Good morning, by the way.
.
Maybe, maybe, I keep looking. Yeah, my problem, as I said, is that every time I went component hunting I ended up with more in the bag than my wallet would allow. And with sellers it seems they have a price they want to sell computers, they have components they want to push, and it is even more difficult to get past their "sales", options, or even sometimes not get liquid cooling. Bleh. Heck, really, I shouldn't. And, most likely, I won't. Honestly, I really can't. As... if that has stopped me before. In my small silly little way I have lived a much larger-than-life existence. Oh, it is only larger when viewed through the optics of a pair of fools epic glasses(tm), though given the constraints it was at least a interesting life. Not that... that should be the goal? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be the goal, you lose more than you gain. Then again and too, I don't think it was ever the goal. I just couldn't stand still. I had to see what was over there, who she was, what the fuss was about. A victim of my own... curiosity?
Never mind. I just woke up and my mind is walking around doing in thought what I used to do in flesh. The thing is I found a site that offered a computer build in the price range I think I could handle in the nearer future, or sooner if pressed. So I went shopping. NewEgg is my preferred store if I have heard another is good too. So many... problems though, with a self-build. Simply the build itself can be somewhere between annoying and hair-pulling sessions (which actually I like until/unless it gets expensive). Buying all at once means warranties are easier to store together, along with a copy of the receipt. Buying at one place limits some problems with dealing with multiple venders. But some components are poison. Once they are out of the store's stock they just hand out the manufacturer's phone number and wish you luck. The thing about buying all at once also means that putting the monster together in short order, thus being able to test everything live and on fire, means the chances of the 30 day store warranty on what it does warrant is worth the e-paper it is written on.
So, $1500 was the target price. Alright. No double SSD start-up drives (for as much reliability as possible for the unreliable but zipper quick drives). Check. Actually, not even a double hard drive system, or even one 10k spin drive. Check. A middling cpu and video board, if that leaves room for a top end motherboard to upgrade when prices drop for the currently top end components being foregone. Check but good enough, easily, for my apps. I didn't compromise on the case if I didn't get my hearts desire either by half. I added 16GB memory in 8x2 (if only ddr3 1600), with latency at 9 (good enough for gaming). I cut and changed and added, and got the price to $1499... Oh! But shipping! That can be murder. I put that in, fearing a hundred or two, or more?!? Nope, 3-day pushed that to $1515.32. Gah! But am I a man of my convictions? Well, right now, I'm running like a little girl from her first kiss. Love hurts... At least I know it is possible, with a lot of compromise (if still 10 times the machine I have, and fully functional... well that last would be in my fumble bunny hands). Hmm, no OS though. Honestly thinking about going PC-BSD though... Gah... hardware... I aimed for PC-BSD but I would have to comb over tons of real (not just general) information on comparability. I'm also thinking about having a duel or triple OS system, getting in on Linux has always been... a consideration. And while I don't care for Windows, it offers... comparability the others simply don't, if the security difference is massive. I would want to... cage any form of Windows I got, perhaps mostly not even allowing it internet access except in very controlled ways for very specific purposes. The mind does wander in the toy store though doesn't it?
Cats have been fed, I am rested, it's cool enough for at least warm coffee which I am quaffing atm. Sam has been "let" out. She started gagging and I started my ogre routine. She knows that means it's time to go. She is usually waiting at the door even if I run past her, somehow. I do pet her, at the door, to let her know I do love her, I just don't want to clean more barf off my carpet. Even if she is snarfing somewhere I didn't see her, and behind me as I head to the back door, she ends up being there at the door ahead of me and waiting, whisping to the back door ahead of me like smoke. She is good at... not being seen, heard, or felt. And I am more than average at detection. Love that girl for her ways! Well, obviously, only... some of them.
Good morning, by the way.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Not asleep, not awake.
.
.
I somehow get the feeling that I know what a zombie would feel like. I simply can't sleep. But I am definitely not firing on all eight cylinders. I've got five going on idle, if I pushed it I could get a sixth, and if I hammer it to redline I might get all eight right before the engine caught on fire. Have you ever been out in the desert for a while, on foot, and been out of water, with a dusty breeze and the sun in your eyes, for some number of hours. My eyes feel like that. On the good side I have plenty of water, I don't have to walk anywhere, and my skin isn't crispy. But I can see the Ireland on the horizon if I look closely enough. Yeah, I think I take the thousand yard stare just right to the edge. Gosh, I hope that is Ireland and not some distant planet?
While I can't control my thoughts at this time, sort of like what most people go through while dreaming, my mind really is free to explore ideas. I should be careful about commenting at this point too. Most people really live in very small tight prisons of their own design. Anything that might expose that they are in a prison, or more that there is a way out, is treated as if I was about to pour hot molten metal on them. So many are so stuck and so afraid. I tell you, as one who knows, do not fear on this planet. Not even death should be feared, only... grudgingly... respected... but only of flesh. You will see, in time, that it is nothing. You will see death as a silly ritual for graduating. Uhrm, unless you are bound to the world, which will die, along with you if you cling to it. And they call me gloomy! Cheers.
It has been somewhat depressing to have been so battered because of obvious to me truths and doubts. Oh, it isn't just online. I have seen men I thought I was in league with, who must read here once in a while... in limbo between respect, even honor, and a form of loathing toward me. Of course, no one says what is on their minds. Which is worse. I am not even sure which thing I said, wrote, or did caused such a reaction. If it is simply something that is true, of God or from His words or Christ's actions, I have no room for debate. If it is one of the arrows that I as a blind man cast at the world I might certainly clarify, or even negotiate. But I don't know so I can't do a thing. Then again, it is the political season, and an important one, maybe the final one. People are more on edge in every way, and... for good reason. We don't vote on a president, policies, the future... we will be voting on freedom and... some of us are not even sure of that. Okay, the moniker "gloomy" stays.
It has been partly cloudy. It seems so much darker than that though, somehow. Moods are certainly a part to the sense of things, but like the snake that consumes itself, it is difficult to know what is mood, what is sense, and which is the precursor and which the follower. I know my heart is struggling, beyond all this. I simply don't know which, if one even is, started the depressing state I am in. Never to worry, as I said I am neither dying nor will I stay depressed long. Well, for those of you who are hoping for a relief, I hate to tell you but I may well outlive you to both our bane.
On to... something else. I don't know what. I am not even able to think clearly about what to do. It will just happen or it won't. Good... day? Wow, yeah, it is day, evening, and I am... still up.
.
I somehow get the feeling that I know what a zombie would feel like. I simply can't sleep. But I am definitely not firing on all eight cylinders. I've got five going on idle, if I pushed it I could get a sixth, and if I hammer it to redline I might get all eight right before the engine caught on fire. Have you ever been out in the desert for a while, on foot, and been out of water, with a dusty breeze and the sun in your eyes, for some number of hours. My eyes feel like that. On the good side I have plenty of water, I don't have to walk anywhere, and my skin isn't crispy. But I can see the Ireland on the horizon if I look closely enough. Yeah, I think I take the thousand yard stare just right to the edge. Gosh, I hope that is Ireland and not some distant planet?
While I can't control my thoughts at this time, sort of like what most people go through while dreaming, my mind really is free to explore ideas. I should be careful about commenting at this point too. Most people really live in very small tight prisons of their own design. Anything that might expose that they are in a prison, or more that there is a way out, is treated as if I was about to pour hot molten metal on them. So many are so stuck and so afraid. I tell you, as one who knows, do not fear on this planet. Not even death should be feared, only... grudgingly... respected... but only of flesh. You will see, in time, that it is nothing. You will see death as a silly ritual for graduating. Uhrm, unless you are bound to the world, which will die, along with you if you cling to it. And they call me gloomy! Cheers.
It has been somewhat depressing to have been so battered because of obvious to me truths and doubts. Oh, it isn't just online. I have seen men I thought I was in league with, who must read here once in a while... in limbo between respect, even honor, and a form of loathing toward me. Of course, no one says what is on their minds. Which is worse. I am not even sure which thing I said, wrote, or did caused such a reaction. If it is simply something that is true, of God or from His words or Christ's actions, I have no room for debate. If it is one of the arrows that I as a blind man cast at the world I might certainly clarify, or even negotiate. But I don't know so I can't do a thing. Then again, it is the political season, and an important one, maybe the final one. People are more on edge in every way, and... for good reason. We don't vote on a president, policies, the future... we will be voting on freedom and... some of us are not even sure of that. Okay, the moniker "gloomy" stays.
It has been partly cloudy. It seems so much darker than that though, somehow. Moods are certainly a part to the sense of things, but like the snake that consumes itself, it is difficult to know what is mood, what is sense, and which is the precursor and which the follower. I know my heart is struggling, beyond all this. I simply don't know which, if one even is, started the depressing state I am in. Never to worry, as I said I am neither dying nor will I stay depressed long. Well, for those of you who are hoping for a relief, I hate to tell you but I may well outlive you to both our bane.
On to... something else. I don't know what. I am not even able to think clearly about what to do. It will just happen or it won't. Good... day? Wow, yeah, it is day, evening, and I am... still up.
Way too tired.
.
.
I have been staying up until 14:30 for the last few days. I won't be today. I thought about taking a nap earlier just never got to it. I try to busy myself with little things. Reading blogs, the shorter the articles the better, and really the less complicated the better, gaming, research... all little. I won't be figuring out a new stratagem for Republicans, libertarians, or conservatives to be sure. I post, for what it is worth. I seem to be making everyone angry. Well, that is my lot in life I suppose. Anyway, I won't be making it to 14:30 today. I don't know how I did it yesterday, if I know I pushed way beyond what I should have.
Do you remember Home Alone? The movie? I saw a kid recently out and about, who I suspect reads here (don't ask, kids... get into everything). He had that look that the kid in the movie had when he was frightened after seeing me. I suspect he knows something about who was in my house. Fear, I'll tell you, and kids can't hide it. If it was him he has nothing to worry about. If he simply knew about who was doing it, I think he will be... talking to them. There is something about putting the fear of God into a child that is both pleasing and... unpalatable... at the same time. That is usually a job for parents, though I think his parents do a good job of that in an honest way. It's the part of parenting no one really... signed up for. Still, if it saves trouble in the future, I'm good with it. Yeah, I had to work at not laughing when I saw the look though. Kids are just too funny sometimes.
What is it about what I say, even just as a minor notion, or such, that really roils people? Are people really so isolated that they never have heard a different idea? Are they so political that they can't take a step back and look at their candidate? You can say anything you want to me, with some modicum of respect, and I'll listen. I might end up telling you it is simply foolish and I don't believe a word of it, but I'll give you your shot at defending, convincing. If you just say it. Most people really can't handle... different. In person I have to be much more careful with words. I don't know if my size is the issue, my solid way of speaking could be part of it, but even when I am gentle, respectful, or such, my words seem to be even "louder" than how I write. Even when I am using low, even soft, tones. I dunno. I think the people are quite thin-skinned. That's all I'm saying. If that hurts your feelings, go talk to Hellen...
Oh, Hellen? Ms. Wait deals with complaints for me. Just... don't dicker, don't tarry, go straight to Hellen Wait. Bah!
Good night. Hmm, time does fly. It is nearly 15:30! Weird, I thought it was... around 9:30, 10:00 maybe... Ah well. All good.
.
I have been staying up until 14:30 for the last few days. I won't be today. I thought about taking a nap earlier just never got to it. I try to busy myself with little things. Reading blogs, the shorter the articles the better, and really the less complicated the better, gaming, research... all little. I won't be figuring out a new stratagem for Republicans, libertarians, or conservatives to be sure. I post, for what it is worth. I seem to be making everyone angry. Well, that is my lot in life I suppose. Anyway, I won't be making it to 14:30 today. I don't know how I did it yesterday, if I know I pushed way beyond what I should have.
Do you remember Home Alone? The movie? I saw a kid recently out and about, who I suspect reads here (don't ask, kids... get into everything). He had that look that the kid in the movie had when he was frightened after seeing me. I suspect he knows something about who was in my house. Fear, I'll tell you, and kids can't hide it. If it was him he has nothing to worry about. If he simply knew about who was doing it, I think he will be... talking to them. There is something about putting the fear of God into a child that is both pleasing and... unpalatable... at the same time. That is usually a job for parents, though I think his parents do a good job of that in an honest way. It's the part of parenting no one really... signed up for. Still, if it saves trouble in the future, I'm good with it. Yeah, I had to work at not laughing when I saw the look though. Kids are just too funny sometimes.
What is it about what I say, even just as a minor notion, or such, that really roils people? Are people really so isolated that they never have heard a different idea? Are they so political that they can't take a step back and look at their candidate? You can say anything you want to me, with some modicum of respect, and I'll listen. I might end up telling you it is simply foolish and I don't believe a word of it, but I'll give you your shot at defending, convincing. If you just say it. Most people really can't handle... different. In person I have to be much more careful with words. I don't know if my size is the issue, my solid way of speaking could be part of it, but even when I am gentle, respectful, or such, my words seem to be even "louder" than how I write. Even when I am using low, even soft, tones. I dunno. I think the people are quite thin-skinned. That's all I'm saying. If that hurts your feelings, go talk to Hellen...
Oh, Hellen? Ms. Wait deals with complaints for me. Just... don't dicker, don't tarry, go straight to Hellen Wait. Bah!
Good night. Hmm, time does fly. It is nearly 15:30! Weird, I thought it was... around 9:30, 10:00 maybe... Ah well. All good.
Okies, but why?
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.
If you have read here even once in a while, you have some grasp of at least my recent history. You know my health issues, difficulties with doctors, keeping on meds, the rest. Now, take a moment to glance over some of this story. If what I am told about me is true, then why do I look and perform like the guys in this study? That isn't my question to answer, save for myself. If you think this page is just a story, then explain. But... your answer is no more for me than mine is for you. It certainly looks like I was ahead of that reaction curve of today by decades though. It's easier to see in vast numbers is all. The difference is they are... recognized, officially, publicly. I am simply considered... infirm, even now that they know better.
I actually hate it when the truth slips out. I usually have it buried quite deeply. And I don't like it, as much because I don't know it fully as because I don't understand what of it I do know... when I can't forget.
After dinner arrived last night and I settled in, I ate like a hungry hound! It was a very good meal which only added to my hunger. I had to think about whether to go back to bed or not, but not for long, and not really. I crashed so hard Thor couldn't replicate the thud by casting Mjölnir from Asgard to earth! Hush about my use of pagan notions! It IS Thursday after all. Get it right when you cast a stone. :p Anyway. I slept from 14:30 (how I stayed up that late I will never know) until supper arrived at, I think, 18:30. My 17:00 alarm was still going off when I answered the door, so it had not waken me at all. I was back in bed by... well... long enough to answer the door, accept the gift of food and offer thanks, prepare my place to dine, then scoff 'teh' dinner as if I deserved it. It wasn't large but I have been eating very little, so I was filled to the brim and almost to bursting. A feast. Anyway, I doubt if that took an half hour. Oh, there was the pondering about sleep or not, if my guess is that took less time than it does to type the period at the end of this sentence.
I don't know if you remember me writing it, but there was a time when I dated a much older woman. Part of the reason I could do that was, even though she was older... she was as a child to me. That makes the prospect of marrying a younger woman... fear inducing. I must seem ancient to such a woman. Even my older woman understood and accepted me as a form of... elder, senior. She did. It wasn't out of deference to me as a male, she didn't work that way. She simply recognized something in me and responded to that.
I slept well, soundly, and comfortably until about 3:30. Waking to a nicely cool home, I got up and started... I dunno... wandering. The girls were fed right away. I... can't recall what happened next, though I think I just sat at the this computer and... disappeared. I still haven't waken at 7:45. Oh, sure, I blogged. But... yeah... that just sort of wrote itself. I'm not even sure it was well written. Oh, but I also got a shower in and boy did I need that! I may take nap though. Tired, so very tired. Too many days of too little sleep and odd amounts of sleep. Trying to get back on days is proving brutal and seemingly pointless. But, that's my job for now.
Later, good day, but not really good night even if I do go back to sleep it will merely be a nap.
.
If you have read here even once in a while, you have some grasp of at least my recent history. You know my health issues, difficulties with doctors, keeping on meds, the rest. Now, take a moment to glance over some of this story. If what I am told about me is true, then why do I look and perform like the guys in this study? That isn't my question to answer, save for myself. If you think this page is just a story, then explain. But... your answer is no more for me than mine is for you. It certainly looks like I was ahead of that reaction curve of today by decades though. It's easier to see in vast numbers is all. The difference is they are... recognized, officially, publicly. I am simply considered... infirm, even now that they know better.
I actually hate it when the truth slips out. I usually have it buried quite deeply. And I don't like it, as much because I don't know it fully as because I don't understand what of it I do know... when I can't forget.
After dinner arrived last night and I settled in, I ate like a hungry hound! It was a very good meal which only added to my hunger. I had to think about whether to go back to bed or not, but not for long, and not really. I crashed so hard Thor couldn't replicate the thud by casting Mjölnir from Asgard to earth! Hush about my use of pagan notions! It IS Thursday after all. Get it right when you cast a stone. :p Anyway. I slept from 14:30 (how I stayed up that late I will never know) until supper arrived at, I think, 18:30. My 17:00 alarm was still going off when I answered the door, so it had not waken me at all. I was back in bed by... well... long enough to answer the door, accept the gift of food and offer thanks, prepare my place to dine, then scoff 'teh' dinner as if I deserved it. It wasn't large but I have been eating very little, so I was filled to the brim and almost to bursting. A feast. Anyway, I doubt if that took an half hour. Oh, there was the pondering about sleep or not, if my guess is that took less time than it does to type the period at the end of this sentence.
I don't know if you remember me writing it, but there was a time when I dated a much older woman. Part of the reason I could do that was, even though she was older... she was as a child to me. That makes the prospect of marrying a younger woman... fear inducing. I must seem ancient to such a woman. Even my older woman understood and accepted me as a form of... elder, senior. She did. It wasn't out of deference to me as a male, she didn't work that way. She simply recognized something in me and responded to that.
I slept well, soundly, and comfortably until about 3:30. Waking to a nicely cool home, I got up and started... I dunno... wandering. The girls were fed right away. I... can't recall what happened next, though I think I just sat at the this computer and... disappeared. I still haven't waken at 7:45. Oh, sure, I blogged. But... yeah... that just sort of wrote itself. I'm not even sure it was well written. Oh, but I also got a shower in and boy did I need that! I may take nap though. Tired, so very tired. Too many days of too little sleep and odd amounts of sleep. Trying to get back on days is proving brutal and seemingly pointless. But, that's my job for now.
Later, good day, but not really good night even if I do go back to sleep it will merely be a nap.
Oh...say can you see...
.
.
I've always sort of liked that song. First, when young, because it was a puzzle. One I have never fully figured out how to work even as an adult though. It is quite the song to sing, or, uhrm, try to sing. Later I enjoyed that it was based on a historic piece of our real national history.
...by the dawns early light.
And, yes, actually, I think the song has more importance today than ever. This nation has been assaulted by the enemy within. Our demons, fever and guilt imposed dementia, self-hate, and such have been on display in these last election cycles. America is sick and some part of it simply wants us to die, all of us, as a people, as a nation, altogether, even for some of us in the real sense of "die". Some parts of it, us, are fighting back, and other parts don't really see a difference.
It hasn't just been about the part that is fighting simply winning through attrition. That... can't work. It would be another form of defeat of what might be called the American Way. That part of the American way is what many know as the peaceful transfer of power from one administration to the next. No, what it has required is a battle of ideas and of people not backing down in the face of rabid attacks, even the use of supposed law officials for harm, like when Stacey was in hiding so his enemies didn't call a SWAT team in to wrongly batter down his door and falsely arrest him, perhaps shooting him in the chaos of the event. It is taking people standing up and being proud to be straight, believe in American exceptionalism, showing what is good about being a home and business owner, showing that hard work does pay and is worth it, by women exposing the wonders of being homemakers, wives, and mothers, men showing that being a husband, father, bread-winner, and man is worth jumping through all the hoops. All these things we take for granted, from tradition, to there truly being right and wrong, to obedience but not before morals and real principles, are under siege in ways we have never imagined as a rather good and humble people.
Let the rich do their thing, I suppose. They always have. Let the poor do their thing, they are much the same. But let them be outliers, and bad examples, not the bar by which all else is measured. Academia is lost, for the moment. The police in many places have barricaded themselves in and militarized, like U.N. troops in a muslim nation. They ignore the war crimes, the rapes, the child molesting, the murders, they just... stay alive.
No more. I see Zero and ghouls as they are, and always have. But more and more people are waking to the fact of what I have always seen. Some of that, don't fool yourself, is a realization that he is losing. Even losers don't particularly like to hitch their wagon to the suicide car, laden with explosives, just as cockroaches avoid the light. Some of it is merely thinking his form of "moderate" is just slightly too far to the left. Some of it is pure greed, from often leftist indoctrinated doctors seeing their practices become state properties and their work transformed from a medical/scientific challenge into bureaucratic placeholders, to limousine liberals and others wanting to hold onto their filthy lucre. But I think more of it, the majority and perhaps vast majority, is from people realizing, slowly, that... becoming worldly is not quite what they want to do, yet, if ever. Preserving American exceptionalism isn't just about America or Americans, either. The loss of America "as we know it" would mean the last powerfully bright light secular powers with any potential for true good in the world as we know it would go out. The remnants would fall in very short order. The little hope that remains in Europe would be eaten, Israel would be utterly destroyed, and the small changes which offer some hope to the good peoples of the world would end in chaos, looting, rape, and murder. The end of times or another dark age would be upon us. Beyond this point there be dragons.
One last notion...
Don't tread on me.
.
I've always sort of liked that song. First, when young, because it was a puzzle. One I have never fully figured out how to work even as an adult though. It is quite the song to sing, or, uhrm, try to sing. Later I enjoyed that it was based on a historic piece of our real national history.
...by the dawns early light.
And, yes, actually, I think the song has more importance today than ever. This nation has been assaulted by the enemy within. Our demons, fever and guilt imposed dementia, self-hate, and such have been on display in these last election cycles. America is sick and some part of it simply wants us to die, all of us, as a people, as a nation, altogether, even for some of us in the real sense of "die". Some parts of it, us, are fighting back, and other parts don't really see a difference.
It hasn't just been about the part that is fighting simply winning through attrition. That... can't work. It would be another form of defeat of what might be called the American Way. That part of the American way is what many know as the peaceful transfer of power from one administration to the next. No, what it has required is a battle of ideas and of people not backing down in the face of rabid attacks, even the use of supposed law officials for harm, like when Stacey was in hiding so his enemies didn't call a SWAT team in to wrongly batter down his door and falsely arrest him, perhaps shooting him in the chaos of the event. It is taking people standing up and being proud to be straight, believe in American exceptionalism, showing what is good about being a home and business owner, showing that hard work does pay and is worth it, by women exposing the wonders of being homemakers, wives, and mothers, men showing that being a husband, father, bread-winner, and man is worth jumping through all the hoops. All these things we take for granted, from tradition, to there truly being right and wrong, to obedience but not before morals and real principles, are under siege in ways we have never imagined as a rather good and humble people.
Let the rich do their thing, I suppose. They always have. Let the poor do their thing, they are much the same. But let them be outliers, and bad examples, not the bar by which all else is measured. Academia is lost, for the moment. The police in many places have barricaded themselves in and militarized, like U.N. troops in a muslim nation. They ignore the war crimes, the rapes, the child molesting, the murders, they just... stay alive.
No more. I see Zero and ghouls as they are, and always have. But more and more people are waking to the fact of what I have always seen. Some of that, don't fool yourself, is a realization that he is losing. Even losers don't particularly like to hitch their wagon to the suicide car, laden with explosives, just as cockroaches avoid the light. Some of it is merely thinking his form of "moderate" is just slightly too far to the left. Some of it is pure greed, from often leftist indoctrinated doctors seeing their practices become state properties and their work transformed from a medical/scientific challenge into bureaucratic placeholders, to limousine liberals and others wanting to hold onto their filthy lucre. But I think more of it, the majority and perhaps vast majority, is from people realizing, slowly, that... becoming worldly is not quite what they want to do, yet, if ever. Preserving American exceptionalism isn't just about America or Americans, either. The loss of America "as we know it" would mean the last powerfully bright light secular powers with any potential for true good in the world as we know it would go out. The remnants would fall in very short order. The little hope that remains in Europe would be eaten, Israel would be utterly destroyed, and the small changes which offer some hope to the good peoples of the world would end in chaos, looting, rape, and murder. The end of times or another dark age would be upon us. Beyond this point there be dragons.
One last notion...
Don't tread on me.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
A few little things this morning as I prepare to crash.
.
.
Visiting a "conservative" blog the other day, I got into a tangle in their comments thread. Something about how Romney was going to lower the ocean, transform America... or... close enough. I just called out the veracity of the post and another commenter. I simply suggested that I could not tell a new voter to go vote for Romney because I had no idea what Romney intends to do, at all. I could tell him not to vote for Zero. I could suggest he not vote for Johnson. But I couldn't tell him specifically to vote for Romney. Then I asked, simply, that the previous commenter post three conservative or libertarian things Romney has said he would do, though I should have asked him to clarify anything that Romney said he wouldn't do, too. In any case, my comment got taken over and changed! A bit unhappy about that I called the guy out on it. It turns out it was one of the moderators, which means one of the two guys running the page. Now, they didn't comment back or ban me or... they simply erased everything I wrote and put something weird in it's place, while it remained my posting name. I thought I had been hacked. The "moderator" wrote that he wasn't going to allow... negativism or summat. Oh? I just told him it was his domain, enjoy. And left a few thoughts. Hey, it's his page. If he wants to be a whore, let him. I doubt if he is even getting paid. A slut! Bah! Man, I guess that is why I stay away from bigger box and Republican sites, if lib sites are even worse.
.
Visiting a "conservative" blog the other day, I got into a tangle in their comments thread. Something about how Romney was going to lower the ocean, transform America... or... close enough. I just called out the veracity of the post and another commenter. I simply suggested that I could not tell a new voter to go vote for Romney because I had no idea what Romney intends to do, at all. I could tell him not to vote for Zero. I could suggest he not vote for Johnson. But I couldn't tell him specifically to vote for Romney. Then I asked, simply, that the previous commenter post three conservative or libertarian things Romney has said he would do, though I should have asked him to clarify anything that Romney said he wouldn't do, too. In any case, my comment got taken over and changed! A bit unhappy about that I called the guy out on it. It turns out it was one of the moderators, which means one of the two guys running the page. Now, they didn't comment back or ban me or... they simply erased everything I wrote and put something weird in it's place, while it remained my posting name. I thought I had been hacked. The "moderator" wrote that he wasn't going to allow... negativism or summat. Oh? I just told him it was his domain, enjoy. And left a few thoughts. Hey, it's his page. If he wants to be a whore, let him. I doubt if he is even getting paid. A slut! Bah! Man, I guess that is why I stay away from bigger box and Republican sites, if lib sites are even worse.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Confusion, learning control, dreams, the girl next door, door bells in time, and my cousin.
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.
In my spinning world of dreams and wakefulness, blogging and memory and living in the present, caught up in an avalanche where one is the other is the other with no time stamp and sometimes nothing to separate this from that, it used to be difficult to make sense of things. The first tool in my bag was procrastination. How I came to that tool I cannot say. My guess is from my... one-time association with Zen, a lesser teaching of God's wisdom as I see things now, but still. Something about, if all else fails... "just be". If I am angry, depressed, interested, curious, hungry, or any of the seemingly endless things a mortal coil can be, this tool served me well in my condition. Don't act, in other words, without taking some time to consider the action, the reason for the action, the good of the action. Of course, time for me is quite different from the notion of time for you. You have work, deadlines, a demanding partner, perhaps children, pets too, a garden maybe, and books and blogs to read and comment at. Me? I have... a mortal form of infinity.
While it certainly slows life down it also prevented many mistakes. My surety, I had decided, was not enough. I could not act just because I believed, wanted, felt, or even "knew". And good thing. Many things I knew, and even know now, prove to be wrong. This is part of why I claim to be a know nothing. No matter how much information I have, from experience, from reading, from any other source, the truth is I can't actually know. Not about them, those, this, you, or even me.
It took between ten and fifteen years of illness before I could slow things down and sort things out, well, actually that isn't even true. The time period is right, but I never did learn to slow things. I simply learned to... trust what I was sensing and learned how to navigate in that tornado. While my life seems to drop to less than a snails pace, my mind does not slow. It is similar to driving a car fast at night, so fast that headlights become nearly useless. Only I can't control the speed or increase the light, it simply is. It is no wonder I became a plaything for psychologists. I simply wanted to either learn to handle the speed as it was or to slow down, even adding brighter lights might have helped. The major rift is that my body is doing what it does and my mind continued as if my body was still in alignment. I have never figured out a way to correct that. Further, I think my mind sped up, either because the body couldn't use the resources so my mind did, or to try to compensate much as a driver might step on the accelerator if starting to lose traction in certain situations. Speed can correct for mistakes or equipment weaknesses.
Oh, but life has changed so much and yet so little. Life is still a blur. It is difficult to even explain this. Think of some of your most convoluted dreams, with blurry images, fast sequences that you can only get a glimpse of what is happening, fear from just not being in any kind of control or even being able to be fully aware. And yet I have learned to balance this. I think I almost write well, despite the confusion.
Dinner arrived tonight. I had set the alarm for 17:00 to freshen me. Dinner didn't arrive until 19:30 though (a typical time albeit). I heard the doorbell, jumped up, got set to answer the door properly, grabbed my cap, and... No one there. But I did see their minivan about a block and a half down the road. Yeah, so there can be a time delay in waking. It still seems so weird though. I could have sworn I got out of bed immediately after hearing the doorbell. That adds to the "know nothing" approach, among many other things. I did call to let them know that I was up... and hungry. Glad I did, too. Dinner was quite good and I have become Pavlovian with the dinner bell at that time of night! *drool* All good, I like to drool. Ha!
Dreams. Two nights ago I dreamed of a cousin, second cousin really. She honestly believes she is equal to men despite so many facts, even in her own life. I have discussed her before. But in this dream I learned why, if the dream is to be believed of course. Her father only had one son, the eldest I think, and a disappointment as fathers may think such things. Young men, perhaps always?, are feminized... by their lack of testosterone to start out, by school, by their mother, in some cases by having too many sisters, and for many other reasons (hence no constitutional vote until men were 25). So the father chose the strongest, most willful, daughter to fulfill his want of a strong child, son really. He developed her, coached her, pushed her, prodded her, filled the family with his notions and egalitarian notions so as to further his wishes. He talked her into wrestling, against boys. Of course, that was a failure. But having the money, other means, wilfulness, and influence, he got her onto steroids. She became competitive. He imbued her with his will and she became a manling. Of course, it all failed ultimately and remains so today.
The real results? While she wrestled she looked... quite butch. But when she left that, and ended the drugs, she returned to being a quite attractive young lady. She joined the service, but after just a few years she was disabled due to a shoulder injury, most likely from wrestling and steroids, not the service, though. Still, the service pays her disability. Then she met a strong man, like herself she thought. My guess is she contested him as if she was still a wrestler. He was strong, and unforgiving. She cried foul, divorced, and is in some feminist limbo world now, not knowing how to be a woman, or what a woman is. Yes. And she confronted me. I just told her that if she could not face, in full combat, a mostly dead old man, that she had no face to save, and could certainly not call herself even my equal no matter how superior she might be in her thoughts. But that this was fine, for a woman. That is not her place. Although I saw her father seethe with rage. He came forward to confront me. I suggested to him that he was more like his daughter, which is why she failed. He had best know his place too. He is a black belt, some sash or other, in Karate. I suggested that would only make him strong enough that I could not simply defeat him, but that by the time he realized he had sorely lost, he would be dead or mortally wounded. He... backed down, knowing the truth of my words.
Last night I dreamed of a neighbor girl. Oh, too young. But she so... reminds me of my first real love. A love I never took as a lover. I shattered the thing from my past rather than... do what most do. We were too young. She was too innocent. I had things to know, learn, decide, do. I spoke with this neighborly young woman and left her with some challenges. Oh, she is the perfect wife material. Unfortunately for her, the boys she should... be interested in are just that. They, too, have things to do, decide, learn, know. And more, the economy makes it so that they will have a very difficult time feeding their own faces, let alone that of a wife and child, children. In another time, or even in some time to come, such a woman would or will... be the one. It is frustrating to see prime material when you cannot, maybe shouldn't, or have reasons not to, simply reach out and grab it. No, not taking of flesh. In the presence of ripe fruit, as in the Garden of Eden, it is never an issue of force, only certainty. When the fruit is ripe it separates from the tree by merely touching. You know this, even today, if you have ever picked ripe fruit from a tree.
Such dreams, coated with real memories, fitting in with the blur that is life for me. It... makes for a magical reality. I do wonder, however, what others think of what I write here? Do you see mere fantasy, aspects of that, insanity, or a reasonable form of reality. I have no road signs, I have no breaks or brighter lights to use on my road. I have no real means of testing my thoughts, and professional psychology is so broken it couldn't tell if IT'S thumb was up it's own ass, let alone if mine is. And worse, even if it thought mine was, it wouldn't tell me. It would just send my profile to the FBI! So... what do you see hereabouts?
.
In my spinning world of dreams and wakefulness, blogging and memory and living in the present, caught up in an avalanche where one is the other is the other with no time stamp and sometimes nothing to separate this from that, it used to be difficult to make sense of things. The first tool in my bag was procrastination. How I came to that tool I cannot say. My guess is from my... one-time association with Zen, a lesser teaching of God's wisdom as I see things now, but still. Something about, if all else fails... "just be". If I am angry, depressed, interested, curious, hungry, or any of the seemingly endless things a mortal coil can be, this tool served me well in my condition. Don't act, in other words, without taking some time to consider the action, the reason for the action, the good of the action. Of course, time for me is quite different from the notion of time for you. You have work, deadlines, a demanding partner, perhaps children, pets too, a garden maybe, and books and blogs to read and comment at. Me? I have... a mortal form of infinity.
While it certainly slows life down it also prevented many mistakes. My surety, I had decided, was not enough. I could not act just because I believed, wanted, felt, or even "knew". And good thing. Many things I knew, and even know now, prove to be wrong. This is part of why I claim to be a know nothing. No matter how much information I have, from experience, from reading, from any other source, the truth is I can't actually know. Not about them, those, this, you, or even me.
It took between ten and fifteen years of illness before I could slow things down and sort things out, well, actually that isn't even true. The time period is right, but I never did learn to slow things. I simply learned to... trust what I was sensing and learned how to navigate in that tornado. While my life seems to drop to less than a snails pace, my mind does not slow. It is similar to driving a car fast at night, so fast that headlights become nearly useless. Only I can't control the speed or increase the light, it simply is. It is no wonder I became a plaything for psychologists. I simply wanted to either learn to handle the speed as it was or to slow down, even adding brighter lights might have helped. The major rift is that my body is doing what it does and my mind continued as if my body was still in alignment. I have never figured out a way to correct that. Further, I think my mind sped up, either because the body couldn't use the resources so my mind did, or to try to compensate much as a driver might step on the accelerator if starting to lose traction in certain situations. Speed can correct for mistakes or equipment weaknesses.
Oh, but life has changed so much and yet so little. Life is still a blur. It is difficult to even explain this. Think of some of your most convoluted dreams, with blurry images, fast sequences that you can only get a glimpse of what is happening, fear from just not being in any kind of control or even being able to be fully aware. And yet I have learned to balance this. I think I almost write well, despite the confusion.
Dinner arrived tonight. I had set the alarm for 17:00 to freshen me. Dinner didn't arrive until 19:30 though (a typical time albeit). I heard the doorbell, jumped up, got set to answer the door properly, grabbed my cap, and... No one there. But I did see their minivan about a block and a half down the road. Yeah, so there can be a time delay in waking. It still seems so weird though. I could have sworn I got out of bed immediately after hearing the doorbell. That adds to the "know nothing" approach, among many other things. I did call to let them know that I was up... and hungry. Glad I did, too. Dinner was quite good and I have become Pavlovian with the dinner bell at that time of night! *drool* All good, I like to drool. Ha!
Dreams. Two nights ago I dreamed of a cousin, second cousin really. She honestly believes she is equal to men despite so many facts, even in her own life. I have discussed her before. But in this dream I learned why, if the dream is to be believed of course. Her father only had one son, the eldest I think, and a disappointment as fathers may think such things. Young men, perhaps always?, are feminized... by their lack of testosterone to start out, by school, by their mother, in some cases by having too many sisters, and for many other reasons (hence no constitutional vote until men were 25). So the father chose the strongest, most willful, daughter to fulfill his want of a strong child, son really. He developed her, coached her, pushed her, prodded her, filled the family with his notions and egalitarian notions so as to further his wishes. He talked her into wrestling, against boys. Of course, that was a failure. But having the money, other means, wilfulness, and influence, he got her onto steroids. She became competitive. He imbued her with his will and she became a manling. Of course, it all failed ultimately and remains so today.
The real results? While she wrestled she looked... quite butch. But when she left that, and ended the drugs, she returned to being a quite attractive young lady. She joined the service, but after just a few years she was disabled due to a shoulder injury, most likely from wrestling and steroids, not the service, though. Still, the service pays her disability. Then she met a strong man, like herself she thought. My guess is she contested him as if she was still a wrestler. He was strong, and unforgiving. She cried foul, divorced, and is in some feminist limbo world now, not knowing how to be a woman, or what a woman is. Yes. And she confronted me. I just told her that if she could not face, in full combat, a mostly dead old man, that she had no face to save, and could certainly not call herself even my equal no matter how superior she might be in her thoughts. But that this was fine, for a woman. That is not her place. Although I saw her father seethe with rage. He came forward to confront me. I suggested to him that he was more like his daughter, which is why she failed. He had best know his place too. He is a black belt, some sash or other, in Karate. I suggested that would only make him strong enough that I could not simply defeat him, but that by the time he realized he had sorely lost, he would be dead or mortally wounded. He... backed down, knowing the truth of my words.
Last night I dreamed of a neighbor girl. Oh, too young. But she so... reminds me of my first real love. A love I never took as a lover. I shattered the thing from my past rather than... do what most do. We were too young. She was too innocent. I had things to know, learn, decide, do. I spoke with this neighborly young woman and left her with some challenges. Oh, she is the perfect wife material. Unfortunately for her, the boys she should... be interested in are just that. They, too, have things to do, decide, learn, know. And more, the economy makes it so that they will have a very difficult time feeding their own faces, let alone that of a wife and child, children. In another time, or even in some time to come, such a woman would or will... be the one. It is frustrating to see prime material when you cannot, maybe shouldn't, or have reasons not to, simply reach out and grab it. No, not taking of flesh. In the presence of ripe fruit, as in the Garden of Eden, it is never an issue of force, only certainty. When the fruit is ripe it separates from the tree by merely touching. You know this, even today, if you have ever picked ripe fruit from a tree.
Such dreams, coated with real memories, fitting in with the blur that is life for me. It... makes for a magical reality. I do wonder, however, what others think of what I write here? Do you see mere fantasy, aspects of that, insanity, or a reasonable form of reality. I have no road signs, I have no breaks or brighter lights to use on my road. I have no real means of testing my thoughts, and professional psychology is so broken it couldn't tell if IT'S thumb was up it's own ass, let alone if mine is. And worse, even if it thought mine was, it wouldn't tell me. It would just send my profile to the FBI! So... what do you see hereabouts?
Rough!
.
.
I had hoped to get out yesterday but ran into a wall of white noise. Basically I stopped functioning if I was still awake. So I was going to get out today but I was awakened way early by a home invader, if I didn't catch him. Definitely now, the back door was unlocked when I went to let Sam out today. I check those religiously before bed. So, I am completely gassed and won't even make it to my dreadful 14:30 stay up time of yesterday. I am dragging so hard now getting everything shut up and down is going to be weird. Can't think.
Well, there is tomorrow, and the day after, and even days after that. It is not like I am choosing to be lame. Pain has mostly gone. I haven't felt much at all of the headache for most of the last day or two. I am extremely tired though. Stretched thin, as was said, like too little butter over too much toast, give or take. I'll roust around sooner rather than later though. I have things to do. But not today.
Any ideas on other meats for longer term storage? Freeze dried and the other don't seem particularly tasty, seeming more like reconstituted cardboard (though somehow quite tasty in the beef stew and beef "stroganoff" they make that way). I do need to find a way to store beef in particular for at least short to medium term. Though it might simply be too expensive, even home-canned? The freezer, of course, duh? No, that can't be counted upon. Jerky is even more expensive (and salt laden). Hmm, just... trying to figure out a way to set enough beef for a meal or two a week for several months, for now. But it has to be palatable, affordable, and if work is needed somewhat doable by a novice. Oh, and could you suggest how to make a billion while you are at it? Yeah, yack it up furballs. I was just... asking... And someone might have an idea.
Good day and good night. At least I don't have to say "and good morning", technically, if barely. Oh, I best set my alarm so that when dinner arrives I will be ready.
.
I had hoped to get out yesterday but ran into a wall of white noise. Basically I stopped functioning if I was still awake. So I was going to get out today but I was awakened way early by a home invader, if I didn't catch him. Definitely now, the back door was unlocked when I went to let Sam out today. I check those religiously before bed. So, I am completely gassed and won't even make it to my dreadful 14:30 stay up time of yesterday. I am dragging so hard now getting everything shut up and down is going to be weird. Can't think.
Well, there is tomorrow, and the day after, and even days after that. It is not like I am choosing to be lame. Pain has mostly gone. I haven't felt much at all of the headache for most of the last day or two. I am extremely tired though. Stretched thin, as was said, like too little butter over too much toast, give or take. I'll roust around sooner rather than later though. I have things to do. But not today.
Any ideas on other meats for longer term storage? Freeze dried and the other don't seem particularly tasty, seeming more like reconstituted cardboard (though somehow quite tasty in the beef stew and beef "stroganoff" they make that way). I do need to find a way to store beef in particular for at least short to medium term. Though it might simply be too expensive, even home-canned? The freezer, of course, duh? No, that can't be counted upon. Jerky is even more expensive (and salt laden). Hmm, just... trying to figure out a way to set enough beef for a meal or two a week for several months, for now. But it has to be palatable, affordable, and if work is needed somewhat doable by a novice. Oh, and could you suggest how to make a billion while you are at it? Yeah, yack it up furballs. I was just... asking... And someone might have an idea.
Good day and good night. At least I don't have to say "and good morning", technically, if barely. Oh, I best set my alarm so that when dinner arrives I will be ready.
Someone was in my home.
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I have long suspected that someone, or more, has been getting into my home. Oh, I haven't found too much gone. The only thing I am pretty sure that is missing is a large roaster (expensive though, if it was damaged and I wanted to replace it anyway is beside the point). I don't think any ammunition is gone, absolutely certain no guns are gone, but there are many things here, some of which are consumables so, difficult to track while being used. My guess, as I have said, is neighbor kids, among a few other... notions. How do I know? Lights left on and sometimes Sassy is... fit to be tied when I come back from town. I know her well enough to know when something is eating her. If Sam was outside, I know it wasn't Sam. And outside things don't get Sassy riled, while visitors (even when I am here) may. My guess is some of the people that come in aren't nice to her, and she doesn't like other people anyway. Now, the basement light I use from time to time. So it being on when I was sure it was off is... debatable. Memory being what it is, and perfect habits not really possible, that can be questioned. But not tonight. Whoever was here left a light on that I haven't used in months. There is zero doubt at this point. They probably woke me up, or the cats did fussing about it.
I am going to be speaking with the sheriff. I will also let some local people know that I know, and see if that doesn't filter around to whoever, or whoever's parents, might be doing this. I am also considering getting door bars for now. The doors are locked, but as I said a key has gone missing. New locks are just too costly right now and all but the seriously pricey ones are pretty easy to jimmy. Windows, if they are shut, are the type that can't really be jimmied open, so entry through them would show an obvious break-in. If that doesn't solve it mostly, I will have to work out something else. At this point it isn't just about the idea or theft or safety, but of will, if those other things definitely come into play on their own. But how to make my home secure when I am gone, especially since I suspect locals who can just look in the garage? *grumbles*
So, I woke at 21:30, way too early. I really suspect that I heard whoever. Not good on too many fronts. Now, I never consciously heard a thing. I rise out of bed pretty quickly, but I can't be sure how long from beginning to wake to rising there is. Perhaps I fuss while I am waking, especially with so little sleep and being tired from trying to push my days around. I do know if I find someone and corner them, kid or adult, I won't take an ounce of guff and they will be waiting for the law, dead or alive, makes little difference to me. It is totally up to them. Don't even need a gun but I've got half a dozen. So, if you are the one and reading this, and I catch you? Do what you are told. Don't think trying to kick me in the shins or biting me, or even shooting or stabbing me, will get you out and away. Just so you know.
Hmm, back to regularly scheduled programming.
.
I have long suspected that someone, or more, has been getting into my home. Oh, I haven't found too much gone. The only thing I am pretty sure that is missing is a large roaster (expensive though, if it was damaged and I wanted to replace it anyway is beside the point). I don't think any ammunition is gone, absolutely certain no guns are gone, but there are many things here, some of which are consumables so, difficult to track while being used. My guess, as I have said, is neighbor kids, among a few other... notions. How do I know? Lights left on and sometimes Sassy is... fit to be tied when I come back from town. I know her well enough to know when something is eating her. If Sam was outside, I know it wasn't Sam. And outside things don't get Sassy riled, while visitors (even when I am here) may. My guess is some of the people that come in aren't nice to her, and she doesn't like other people anyway. Now, the basement light I use from time to time. So it being on when I was sure it was off is... debatable. Memory being what it is, and perfect habits not really possible, that can be questioned. But not tonight. Whoever was here left a light on that I haven't used in months. There is zero doubt at this point. They probably woke me up, or the cats did fussing about it.
I am going to be speaking with the sheriff. I will also let some local people know that I know, and see if that doesn't filter around to whoever, or whoever's parents, might be doing this. I am also considering getting door bars for now. The doors are locked, but as I said a key has gone missing. New locks are just too costly right now and all but the seriously pricey ones are pretty easy to jimmy. Windows, if they are shut, are the type that can't really be jimmied open, so entry through them would show an obvious break-in. If that doesn't solve it mostly, I will have to work out something else. At this point it isn't just about the idea or theft or safety, but of will, if those other things definitely come into play on their own. But how to make my home secure when I am gone, especially since I suspect locals who can just look in the garage? *grumbles*
So, I woke at 21:30, way too early. I really suspect that I heard whoever. Not good on too many fronts. Now, I never consciously heard a thing. I rise out of bed pretty quickly, but I can't be sure how long from beginning to wake to rising there is. Perhaps I fuss while I am waking, especially with so little sleep and being tired from trying to push my days around. I do know if I find someone and corner them, kid or adult, I won't take an ounce of guff and they will be waiting for the law, dead or alive, makes little difference to me. It is totally up to them. Don't even need a gun but I've got half a dozen. So, if you are the one and reading this, and I catch you? Do what you are told. Don't think trying to kick me in the shins or biting me, or even shooting or stabbing me, will get you out and away. Just so you know.
Hmm, back to regularly scheduled programming.
Monday, September 3, 2012
No nap.
.
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I've been enjoying watching the vids I've used on this blog on full screen, but too, I considered napping at several times and it just wasn't going to happen. Oh, but the videos have been fantastic in full, wide-screen, highest def, viewing. Yum!
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I've been enjoying watching the vids I've used on this blog on full screen, but too, I considered napping at several times and it just wasn't going to happen. Oh, but the videos have been fantastic in full, wide-screen, highest def, viewing. Yum!
Sleep can be so screwy.
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Of course, the situations don't always help. I went to bed, sort of, at 14:00. But I knew dinner was coming in, so I didn't want to sleep too deeply. I set my alarm for 17:00 which is the earliest I usually see it on Sunday. Dinner arrived a bit later, but I had my hat at the ready to put on to cover the messy hair and was mostly dressed for company, so answering the bell was easy. Delicious, by the way. They called it a blueberry French toast casserole, which is pretty apt. I might have called it a non-glueified blueberry bread pudding but I... think their name sounds... better. Okay, let's stick with their name. Oh, and it was delicious. I then couldn't get right back to sleep, so a bit of tinkering to come back down. Back in bed I only lasted until 23:30 or something. Gah!
I have told my friend I would be in today. On the way in, I am hoping to make it to Mass, then get my car taxes paid, then stop in and see him. Shopping he says. Holsters he suggests. Fine, fine, we can do that. I told him to be a little hungry. If nothing else a burger and fries, which ain't all bad when you are starving... if you can really taste the salt after not eating anything for a while. Ah, but it goes down like a dream anyway. My body is like... "Salt? What is this salt stuff and why am I not getting any?" I just say, "Yeah, yeah. Shut up or you won't get anymore. You might have some control, but I have the rest, bastage." Oh, it knows I am just teasing. Besides, it knows where I sleep. :p Oh, and we will plan a time this week to go shooting at the range.
I will probably take a nap between now and takeoff time. Perhaps trying to go down at 3:30 to 4:30 and waking at 5:30 or 7:30... Well, I can try. Otherwise it's going to be a little dry. I am having a heck of a time staying up past 11:00. I can make it to 14:00, maybe 15:00, but it is purely on fumes and involves a crash landing. Getting this day shift thing going is always troubling though.
The girls sure are spoiled. They beg and quite often they get... food... out... in... up... down. Especially if they tag team me. I have been trying to keep them from some notions, altogether, though. Like...
It just ain't going to happen. It's... bad enough, as AoSHQ pointed out.
Just... saying.
Oh, here is an oldie but a goody, for those of you who have an ear to hear, and eye to see, and a bit of common sense. H/T A Catholic View
And, finally, for those on the fence about this upcoming election... In his own words.
Later.
.
Of course, the situations don't always help. I went to bed, sort of, at 14:00. But I knew dinner was coming in, so I didn't want to sleep too deeply. I set my alarm for 17:00 which is the earliest I usually see it on Sunday. Dinner arrived a bit later, but I had my hat at the ready to put on to cover the messy hair and was mostly dressed for company, so answering the bell was easy. Delicious, by the way. They called it a blueberry French toast casserole, which is pretty apt. I might have called it a non-glueified blueberry bread pudding but I... think their name sounds... better. Okay, let's stick with their name. Oh, and it was delicious. I then couldn't get right back to sleep, so a bit of tinkering to come back down. Back in bed I only lasted until 23:30 or something. Gah!
I have told my friend I would be in today. On the way in, I am hoping to make it to Mass, then get my car taxes paid, then stop in and see him. Shopping he says. Holsters he suggests. Fine, fine, we can do that. I told him to be a little hungry. If nothing else a burger and fries, which ain't all bad when you are starving... if you can really taste the salt after not eating anything for a while. Ah, but it goes down like a dream anyway. My body is like... "Salt? What is this salt stuff and why am I not getting any?" I just say, "Yeah, yeah. Shut up or you won't get anymore. You might have some control, but I have the rest, bastage." Oh, it knows I am just teasing. Besides, it knows where I sleep. :p Oh, and we will plan a time this week to go shooting at the range.
I will probably take a nap between now and takeoff time. Perhaps trying to go down at 3:30 to 4:30 and waking at 5:30 or 7:30... Well, I can try. Otherwise it's going to be a little dry. I am having a heck of a time staying up past 11:00. I can make it to 14:00, maybe 15:00, but it is purely on fumes and involves a crash landing. Getting this day shift thing going is always troubling though.
The girls sure are spoiled. They beg and quite often they get... food... out... in... up... down. Especially if they tag team me. I have been trying to keep them from some notions, altogether, though. Like...
Oh, here is an oldie but a goody, for those of you who have an ear to hear, and eye to see, and a bit of common sense. H/T A Catholic View
And, finally, for those on the fence about this upcoming election... In his own words.
Later.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Victory in Japan Day, well, the last one.
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Makes me want to smoke a cigar, to be honest. While far to young to have even seen anything about even Vietnam or the Korean War, let alone WW II, I came to know about the latter and former very well indeed. I never got to the point of reconstructing maps and troop layouts, memorizing uniforms, ribbons, or any of that, true. I did become familiar with the general way the war was fought, and the European front as well of course, crucial battles, paths, little pockets of trouble, some of the political and internal military politics, some of the leaders and such. And, reading enough, I almost sweated with the guys in the jungles, or ran to quarters with the sailors being attacked first conventionally then by suicide planes. Lots of good boys became men, and many of those never came home. They will always be sorely missed.
Oh, why is September 2nd the "last" VJ-Day? Well, because the Japanese surrendered by cable on August 14th, the news hit the world August 15th, but the official surrender ceremony was held September 2, 1945. Ffor those of you who consider one of the other days to be "the day". And, yes, they are all validly considered VJ Day, if president Truman declared it to be today, the Japanese (and many parts of the world) consider it to be August 15th, with the emperor's radio message of surrender. In any case, that is a bit more trivia for you.
It's difficult to even find photos of General MacArthur signing the treaty. They ARE busy scrubbing history, aren't they. Don't want people to know, remember, understand, think outside of their cubicle, classroom, "place". Never mind. I did find one. Oh, he was just the fussy stuffy ol' guy who told the rest what to do, and to a degree how to do it, then expected them to pull his miracle out of their *bleep*, sort of. But... he was the face and lead mind that got it done. It's difficult to know how much to thank a general, or admiral, having been what I was. But... there is plenty of room for respect, and he was good at his job. If he was a gruff sob about it. Then again, he sent a lot of men to their graves, and really, he had to do so. Yeah, I guess I would be a bit gruff too. Just being gruff myself today? :p Though too, what he did to Japan... still ruffles my feathers. He forced women to get the vote and... socialized everything he could get his hands on, and destroyed the place, culture. Maybe that WAS the point, not sure. Or maybe he was a typical idealistic elite. I will never know.
Our boys did a hell of a job. From fighting, to thinking, to making, to surviving, to winning. We won a war we didn't start. The cost? Ask what the cost of losing would have been. The price was... non-negotiable.
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Makes me want to smoke a cigar, to be honest. While far to young to have even seen anything about even Vietnam or the Korean War, let alone WW II, I came to know about the latter and former very well indeed. I never got to the point of reconstructing maps and troop layouts, memorizing uniforms, ribbons, or any of that, true. I did become familiar with the general way the war was fought, and the European front as well of course, crucial battles, paths, little pockets of trouble, some of the political and internal military politics, some of the leaders and such. And, reading enough, I almost sweated with the guys in the jungles, or ran to quarters with the sailors being attacked first conventionally then by suicide planes. Lots of good boys became men, and many of those never came home. They will always be sorely missed.
Oh, why is September 2nd the "last" VJ-Day? Well, because the Japanese surrendered by cable on August 14th, the news hit the world August 15th, but the official surrender ceremony was held September 2, 1945. Ffor those of you who consider one of the other days to be "the day". And, yes, they are all validly considered VJ Day, if president Truman declared it to be today, the Japanese (and many parts of the world) consider it to be August 15th, with the emperor's radio message of surrender. In any case, that is a bit more trivia for you.
It's difficult to even find photos of General MacArthur signing the treaty. They ARE busy scrubbing history, aren't they. Don't want people to know, remember, understand, think outside of their cubicle, classroom, "place". Never mind. I did find one. Oh, he was just the fussy stuffy ol' guy who told the rest what to do, and to a degree how to do it, then expected them to pull his miracle out of their *bleep*, sort of. But... he was the face and lead mind that got it done. It's difficult to know how much to thank a general, or admiral, having been what I was. But... there is plenty of room for respect, and he was good at his job. If he was a gruff sob about it. Then again, he sent a lot of men to their graves, and really, he had to do so. Yeah, I guess I would be a bit gruff too. Just being gruff myself today? :p Though too, what he did to Japan... still ruffles my feathers. He forced women to get the vote and... socialized everything he could get his hands on, and destroyed the place, culture. Maybe that WAS the point, not sure. Or maybe he was a typical idealistic elite. I will never know.
Our boys did a hell of a job. From fighting, to thinking, to making, to surviving, to winning. We won a war we didn't start. The cost? Ask what the cost of losing would have been. The price was... non-negotiable.
Trying to turn it around.
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.
Fighting to get back on days can be difficult. The body just won't always have it, or can collapse in the middle of it, leaving me in sleep limbo. I have, for the most part, gotten back to spending longer periods awake with shorter times asleep. Not just recently, that last. I would guess since I moved out her for sure. When I have a woman around, that actually helps me regulate a great deal better too. If anything I usually stay up too long, I think. I really haven't done a scientific study on it, and, yes, that would be necessary to be sure. But I think I spend, generally, 12 to 21 hours up, then 6 to 12 hours down. When I am doing better, as I am now mostly in spite of the headaches, I can reach a more general average of 14-20 hours up, 6-8 hours down. Not scientifically verified, just... my sense of things. That does make it difficult to square the circle of keeping days as a regular menu item. It's like the tides or something.
I woke at midnight, or 2:00 or something this last time. I am hoping to drag myself as far into the day as possible. The one caveat about staying up is that when I try to change my waking cycle... it can backfire, I can get too sleepy to manage while treading on new day ground. It can also make me sleep and wake in short, perhaps four hour, periods for a number of days until I let go and let things rebalance as they need. I am hoping to do well enough in these next few days that I can make Mass Monday. I simply can't guarantee it though. Well, it is fun to try and change my life. All I can do is little and slow but it means the world to me to be my own master? Even for a little while on a little thing. Something.
How odd. I probably still could take my cousins and friend but I can't control my sleep? Whatever. Well, it was the same with sleep even then, come to think of it though. Cosmic joke thing in any case. Oh, yeah, real funny there. And, actually... it is!
The girls have been fed three times but are still hungry and it is just past 9:00. Brats! But I sure love them. They keep me from falling too far into nowhere. Even if I can't feed my face I can at least feed someone's face. I feed both their faces, as I like to tell them. Yeah, they don't get any of my jokes, just push me along to get them chow. All good. Sam is out for the morning, sunning, chasing birds and mice, lounging for the local tom's fall calendar cat line-up, or whatever she does. Sassy is in, going a bit ape for her morning exercise. She still trills when she speaks to me, something I do enjoy... more emotive of a meow somehow. Or exotic? Yep, I like my little beasties and they like their (pwned) ogre.
Yeah, I didn't make it to town. I just couldn't hump it up and out. I've got my eye on that though, I want some food! Food is being delivered tonight but I want something around for other times, and for those days they don't come. I will travel later at night, when I go, if I hope to be in before 23:00 so I can make it to my favored store. Walmart is fine for cat food, non-vitals, and such. But for good meats I prefer a real grocery store, one in particular. And the prices aren't that much different, if at least to me, the quality is very different.
Well, I think I'll game for a while. That can help me push through the day a bit more blithely. Good day, but not yet good night.
.
Fighting to get back on days can be difficult. The body just won't always have it, or can collapse in the middle of it, leaving me in sleep limbo. I have, for the most part, gotten back to spending longer periods awake with shorter times asleep. Not just recently, that last. I would guess since I moved out her for sure. When I have a woman around, that actually helps me regulate a great deal better too. If anything I usually stay up too long, I think. I really haven't done a scientific study on it, and, yes, that would be necessary to be sure. But I think I spend, generally, 12 to 21 hours up, then 6 to 12 hours down. When I am doing better, as I am now mostly in spite of the headaches, I can reach a more general average of 14-20 hours up, 6-8 hours down. Not scientifically verified, just... my sense of things. That does make it difficult to square the circle of keeping days as a regular menu item. It's like the tides or something.
I woke at midnight, or 2:00 or something this last time. I am hoping to drag myself as far into the day as possible. The one caveat about staying up is that when I try to change my waking cycle... it can backfire, I can get too sleepy to manage while treading on new day ground. It can also make me sleep and wake in short, perhaps four hour, periods for a number of days until I let go and let things rebalance as they need. I am hoping to do well enough in these next few days that I can make Mass Monday. I simply can't guarantee it though. Well, it is fun to try and change my life. All I can do is little and slow but it means the world to me to be my own master? Even for a little while on a little thing. Something.
How odd. I probably still could take my cousins and friend but I can't control my sleep? Whatever. Well, it was the same with sleep even then, come to think of it though. Cosmic joke thing in any case. Oh, yeah, real funny there. And, actually... it is!
The girls have been fed three times but are still hungry and it is just past 9:00. Brats! But I sure love them. They keep me from falling too far into nowhere. Even if I can't feed my face I can at least feed someone's face. I feed both their faces, as I like to tell them. Yeah, they don't get any of my jokes, just push me along to get them chow. All good. Sam is out for the morning, sunning, chasing birds and mice, lounging for the local tom's fall calendar cat line-up, or whatever she does. Sassy is in, going a bit ape for her morning exercise. She still trills when she speaks to me, something I do enjoy... more emotive of a meow somehow. Or exotic? Yep, I like my little beasties and they like their (pwned) ogre.
Yeah, I didn't make it to town. I just couldn't hump it up and out. I've got my eye on that though, I want some food! Food is being delivered tonight but I want something around for other times, and for those days they don't come. I will travel later at night, when I go, if I hope to be in before 23:00 so I can make it to my favored store. Walmart is fine for cat food, non-vitals, and such. But for good meats I prefer a real grocery store, one in particular. And the prices aren't that much different, if at least to me, the quality is very different.
Well, I think I'll game for a while. That can help me push through the day a bit more blithely. Good day, but not yet good night.
Hate!?!
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Absolutely. And, not at all. I have been called a hater, prejudiced, and many other things. And, perhaps to a child it would seem that way. I do hate. The sin. Not the sinner. What of those who hold their sin, knowingly, and keep it selfishly? Those cases are, at best, difficult. For whatever reason I see sin so plainly. I am not like those who can just ignore, or learn to not see, walking on as if nothing was amiss. Much like an emergency medical person couldn't simply walk away while some one savable was dying. I just can't do it. There are times and places where there is nothing to be said or done, but... it is noted.
My last lady friend kept digging on this. She just couldn't understand. She personalized, sometimes with the sin, sometimes with the doer of the sin. She didn't consider homosexuality a sin, until a lesbian started... liking her. Even then she didn't consider it a sin, per se, more a personal inconvenience. I tried to help her, asking her what if she was a child and this was occurring, sort of to move on to the notion that we are all children in many ways? She does understand, I think, to a degree, that pedophilia is a sin. And she definitely believes rape is a sin. But I think that is because those have bit her in the ass. Why people can't... go that extra step, and see what hurts others, uses others, destroys others, is a sin, I cannot say.
Perhaps I read the bible one too many times in my youth? Perhaps I was simply created to see. It is a bit of a curse. To see inside to another human's soul is sometimes even less glamorous than digging through a garbage pit for lunch. I don't know why I see, or react to, sin as I do. I just know, even my own, sin just... hurts. It is this nature that hurts those around me, more the ones who want their sin, but too those who just want to ignore that sin is real and should not be tolerated, exploited, and that we can't simply forgive it. The doer of the sin has to seek forgiveness, and at least honestly attempt to change their way. That last is as good as it gets for us, here, now. And more, if the sin is also truly illegal, it needs to be punished. Forgiveness from sin doesn't alleviate the need for criminal punishment. That doesn't mean priests are to run to the cops, that honestly isn't what they do or are allowed to do. It... isn't their area. But if it is serious enough, they do have an obligation to "work" with that particular individual. And my guess is that they do, if possible. Then again, what do you do with a mobster or such? Pray, most likely, for honest priests.
Anyway, yeah. Just... feeling the fire sometimes, I decided to write about it.
Oh, I have, finally, officially, decided to dedicate my suffering to those in purgatory. For the relief of their souls, their suffering, to shorten their wait. I have thought about it. I didn't want to quite do it, as I thought it might be a bit of a surrender to "the way it is". And while that may be partly true, it doesn't mean I am quitting, giving up, or anything. Suffering would be nothing without the effort to change it, the willingness to fight it, the boldness to try and walk away from it even if seemingly without legs. But I am here, at last, with no place to go with my condition. While I hated the notion of being psychologically damaged, at least there was some hope I could overcome that with sheer will. This... the heart being so damaged... 15% ejection refraction... I can't undo it and medicines... probably can't either. I suspect they were lying to me about it helping or increasing heart function. All it might, and I do mean might, do is... give me a few more years of life, probably at the cost of function. It will not really increase my ability to pump blood. Such liars. Reminds me of my mom! Ugh... Take this, it tastes bad but will make you feel better. Sure, after you vomit everything you ate for the last week. And even then it only helped sometimes, when it was what you ate that was making you sick for example. :p Thanks, mom. Hehe
.
Absolutely. And, not at all. I have been called a hater, prejudiced, and many other things. And, perhaps to a child it would seem that way. I do hate. The sin. Not the sinner. What of those who hold their sin, knowingly, and keep it selfishly? Those cases are, at best, difficult. For whatever reason I see sin so plainly. I am not like those who can just ignore, or learn to not see, walking on as if nothing was amiss. Much like an emergency medical person couldn't simply walk away while some one savable was dying. I just can't do it. There are times and places where there is nothing to be said or done, but... it is noted.
My last lady friend kept digging on this. She just couldn't understand. She personalized, sometimes with the sin, sometimes with the doer of the sin. She didn't consider homosexuality a sin, until a lesbian started... liking her. Even then she didn't consider it a sin, per se, more a personal inconvenience. I tried to help her, asking her what if she was a child and this was occurring, sort of to move on to the notion that we are all children in many ways? She does understand, I think, to a degree, that pedophilia is a sin. And she definitely believes rape is a sin. But I think that is because those have bit her in the ass. Why people can't... go that extra step, and see what hurts others, uses others, destroys others, is a sin, I cannot say.
Perhaps I read the bible one too many times in my youth? Perhaps I was simply created to see. It is a bit of a curse. To see inside to another human's soul is sometimes even less glamorous than digging through a garbage pit for lunch. I don't know why I see, or react to, sin as I do. I just know, even my own, sin just... hurts. It is this nature that hurts those around me, more the ones who want their sin, but too those who just want to ignore that sin is real and should not be tolerated, exploited, and that we can't simply forgive it. The doer of the sin has to seek forgiveness, and at least honestly attempt to change their way. That last is as good as it gets for us, here, now. And more, if the sin is also truly illegal, it needs to be punished. Forgiveness from sin doesn't alleviate the need for criminal punishment. That doesn't mean priests are to run to the cops, that honestly isn't what they do or are allowed to do. It... isn't their area. But if it is serious enough, they do have an obligation to "work" with that particular individual. And my guess is that they do, if possible. Then again, what do you do with a mobster or such? Pray, most likely, for honest priests.
Anyway, yeah. Just... feeling the fire sometimes, I decided to write about it.
Oh, I have, finally, officially, decided to dedicate my suffering to those in purgatory. For the relief of their souls, their suffering, to shorten their wait. I have thought about it. I didn't want to quite do it, as I thought it might be a bit of a surrender to "the way it is". And while that may be partly true, it doesn't mean I am quitting, giving up, or anything. Suffering would be nothing without the effort to change it, the willingness to fight it, the boldness to try and walk away from it even if seemingly without legs. But I am here, at last, with no place to go with my condition. While I hated the notion of being psychologically damaged, at least there was some hope I could overcome that with sheer will. This... the heart being so damaged... 15% ejection refraction... I can't undo it and medicines... probably can't either. I suspect they were lying to me about it helping or increasing heart function. All it might, and I do mean might, do is... give me a few more years of life, probably at the cost of function. It will not really increase my ability to pump blood. Such liars. Reminds me of my mom! Ugh... Take this, it tastes bad but will make you feel better. Sure, after you vomit everything you ate for the last week. And even then it only helped sometimes, when it was what you ate that was making you sick for example. :p Thanks, mom. Hehe
'Teh king!'
.
.
About a decade ago, pretty much in the same heart shape condition I am in now, I had a lot of contact with some of my cousins. When men interact there is always... a little tension. Essentially, men have to settle things. However, being that... I am a giant... and full blood warrior... none of them wanted to test those waters. But... it was getting... tense. So, being magnanimous as I am, wise, kind, and just, *evil grins*, I suggested that they team up, along with another friend, and we go to town in a wrestling match. Three healthy young males against a 35 year old (now we know weak-hearted man) in all out, do what it takes, wrestling. No real rules, save no punching. If family jewels came into play, I just said what comes around goes around, which... pretty much took them out of the debate. I pwned them as if they were little girls.
The one I really had to watch for, actually, and knew it, was my littlest cousin. Small, truly diminutive. At maybe 5'2", he was razorblade fast and devious as a viper. I kid you not. He had evil intent too, it's in the eyes. He was the one who would later attack me from behind for not liking something he said and bruising my ribs by tripping me into a counter. I blogged about it when it happened. The others? Meh. The first thing I did was put a hand clasp on the fast one as they approached. I didn't let him see it coming, and yet I am faster than him anyway. But in a group arena, my attention might otherwise have been distracted long enough for him to crawl up and put me in a choke hold, and I think that was his plan. At that time, the others could have... eliminated my ability to get him off and defend from them. It was pretty intense, no real rules, and they were... ready to put me down. They had had enough of my dominance.
Locked on, I was able to deal with the other two pretty quickly, getting one to surrender almost immediately, taking about five minutes. With him out, I decided to deal with the fast one. Without his speed and agility in play, he was cake. The final one just would not give. I finally got him to at least concede that he could never win. For me to have gotten him to actually concede defeat would have... been too destructive. It took a good half hour to win, but... yeah. Bruises, scrapes, scratches, sore, and tired, sure. None of us was unscathed. We hit it hard, and I fell a few times with 400 to 500 pounds of angry little men on top of me. Funny thing, to be honest, I am in better shape now in many ways than I was then. Yeah, for a dead guy, I'm doing alright.
You should have seen how trashed the three rooms we wrestled through were. We THOUGHT we had cleared them enough before hand. Nope! Epic, ba-by.
Ah, but the Lord knows I had more fun with that then I have in a long time. Plus, no heavy bleeding, no serious injuries, and 'teh boyz' knew, once and for all, without any doubt, who was 'teh king'. It never crossed their minds again. As well, I gave them some much needed respect for having put up and stood against who they considered a tyrant, even in the face of absolute defeat, maybe more for that. We had a better relationship after that. All good. I miss the lads.
Picking on boys you say? Not so fast. All of us were street fighters, adult fully, of some mean reputation, one of them was nearly my size, all of us were (for them little wise) blooded heavily. No, these weren't cherry cousins who had lived a privileged life, or "sport fighters", or mere athletes. And it WAS serious.
.
About a decade ago, pretty much in the same heart shape condition I am in now, I had a lot of contact with some of my cousins. When men interact there is always... a little tension. Essentially, men have to settle things. However, being that... I am a giant... and full blood warrior... none of them wanted to test those waters. But... it was getting... tense. So, being magnanimous as I am, wise, kind, and just, *evil grins*, I suggested that they team up, along with another friend, and we go to town in a wrestling match. Three healthy young males against a 35 year old (now we know weak-hearted man) in all out, do what it takes, wrestling. No real rules, save no punching. If family jewels came into play, I just said what comes around goes around, which... pretty much took them out of the debate. I pwned them as if they were little girls.
The one I really had to watch for, actually, and knew it, was my littlest cousin. Small, truly diminutive. At maybe 5'2", he was razorblade fast and devious as a viper. I kid you not. He had evil intent too, it's in the eyes. He was the one who would later attack me from behind for not liking something he said and bruising my ribs by tripping me into a counter. I blogged about it when it happened. The others? Meh. The first thing I did was put a hand clasp on the fast one as they approached. I didn't let him see it coming, and yet I am faster than him anyway. But in a group arena, my attention might otherwise have been distracted long enough for him to crawl up and put me in a choke hold, and I think that was his plan. At that time, the others could have... eliminated my ability to get him off and defend from them. It was pretty intense, no real rules, and they were... ready to put me down. They had had enough of my dominance.
Locked on, I was able to deal with the other two pretty quickly, getting one to surrender almost immediately, taking about five minutes. With him out, I decided to deal with the fast one. Without his speed and agility in play, he was cake. The final one just would not give. I finally got him to at least concede that he could never win. For me to have gotten him to actually concede defeat would have... been too destructive. It took a good half hour to win, but... yeah. Bruises, scrapes, scratches, sore, and tired, sure. None of us was unscathed. We hit it hard, and I fell a few times with 400 to 500 pounds of angry little men on top of me. Funny thing, to be honest, I am in better shape now in many ways than I was then. Yeah, for a dead guy, I'm doing alright.
You should have seen how trashed the three rooms we wrestled through were. We THOUGHT we had cleared them enough before hand. Nope! Epic, ba-by.
Ah, but the Lord knows I had more fun with that then I have in a long time. Plus, no heavy bleeding, no serious injuries, and 'teh boyz' knew, once and for all, without any doubt, who was 'teh king'. It never crossed their minds again. As well, I gave them some much needed respect for having put up and stood against who they considered a tyrant, even in the face of absolute defeat, maybe more for that. We had a better relationship after that. All good. I miss the lads.
Picking on boys you say? Not so fast. All of us were street fighters, adult fully, of some mean reputation, one of them was nearly my size, all of us were (for them little wise) blooded heavily. No, these weren't cherry cousins who had lived a privileged life, or "sport fighters", or mere athletes. And it WAS serious.
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