.
.
Yesterday was a great day with a hard ending. I couldn't get to bed, then had trouble sleeping. I think I am pushing things with music and twice a week swimming. And yet I plan to continue doing so. Especially after reaching for my wallet and feeling solidifying man buns, the only ones I ever hope to feel. I haven't had them for decades. I would welcome them back with open arms, if that were possible, save in the pool. A rough night of sleep is worth the effort. I think that will come and go, with or without swimming, anyway.
Today was pretty much a day off. Tomorrow will be the same, mostly. I hope to get some work in the house started, or even finished, and prep for a more intense house cleaning this coming week. I want my kitchen back, at least, in order to cook some of the pork! I am meat hungry and ready to dig in. Bacon, sausage, ribs, chops... Breaded or fried or even steamed, served hot in any case, with this or that on the side. Hungry.
I keep seeing my body improve somewhere I hadn't noticed before. Muscles expanding, having a chest that clearly sticks out, having a very noticeable male looking physique, more solid legs, and now the beginnings of a real butt. A little over a month and... I can only imagine what a year, and throwing in weights too, will do. I hit things hard. I have a great capacity to push the limits, if I can get to the polls. If I had best... be a little cautious. Chomping on the bit still, but no longer kicking at the stable door. I am out, running. How far can I go though? How fast? I need straight weights as soon as possible. I have some doctor appointments coming up. I will check again then. While not ready, strength and fitness wise, I wouldn't mind having the approval ahead of time... so I can ease into it. My goals are 3 miles an hour swimming for an hour three days a week, and four hundred pound bench presses along with a rounded out similar straight weight regimen for the other lifts. I actually think that is possible. That will do what the medicines can't, actually possibly cure my heart.
Hmm, I need to get something to eat. Hungry doesn't describe what I am feeling but it's close enough. Good night.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Dark portents while the Ides of March approaches.
.
.
I can't say what is about to happen. I do know I am seeing a darkness where light should be becoming very possible. Some things cannot be killed, but they can be placed into dormancy. These too are things of God, if nothing else a sign. Time will tell.
.
I can't say what is about to happen. I do know I am seeing a darkness where light should be becoming very possible. Some things cannot be killed, but they can be placed into dormancy. These too are things of God, if nothing else a sign. Time will tell.
Just a reminder...
.
.
This has been known, and seen, long before it was commonly known. Now you, reading here, humble and fumblingly techy, know the truth. This will mean what you never would have believed. Oh, and good morning... to your future.
.
This has been known, and seen, long before it was commonly known. Now you, reading here, humble and fumblingly techy, know the truth. This will mean what you never would have believed. Oh, and good morning... to your future.
How could I not be pleased?
.
.
Good, bad, up, down, forgetting meds, and all the rest. I have been swimming since right around the start of January. I have begun reading again since that same time. My blood pressure is staying very good, well controlled. I've even thrown in upgrading and updating what had been a loaner and now seems to be a trade. I've missed some days of swimming, I pushed too hard for a bit, my house looks like the cats are running the place (not good), and there are other problems. But I am coming alive again, quickening, strengthening. I realize, even now, that most of my waking time still is not my own. While I always knew that, I guess I didn't realize how deep that was. Now I know. I am also seeing that, in some period of time, I may actually make all of my conscious time my own, escaping only while doing drudgery that must be done. Amazing. And this while still quite eligible to be put on the heart transplant list?
Swimming was excellent today. Music is a huge plus, but sticking it out, and getting back in when I mess up, means the world to gaining strength. My first lesson is in a week. Frankly I am a bit nervous. First, it is earlier than when I usually can go. Second, it is at a specific time. It is still quite a trick to make an appointment. Thankfully, this is only once every few weeks, for now. I was thinking, in March, to begin swimming a full hour. I may attempt, instead, to add a third day into the mix, again. I'm not sure I can support that, but it would be more amenable to lessons. It's worth a shot, and I was going to increase some aspect of swimming anyway.
Swimming has not just been good for muscles, lungs, skin, and even toenails (yes, my toe nails are clearing of long held, probably fungal, infection(s)). It has been good for many other things. I believe it is the reason I have been able to dial my sleep schedule back, somehow. What swimming is doing for me probably can't be calculated as simply as for other folk. My focus, my mind in general, is improving. I really wonder how much this will help my heart? I even realize that missing a session, or skipping as the case can be, doesn't even hurt, at this point. Often it has helped.
My friend didn't want to watch a show. Dinner, he suggested. So dinner it was. And, as usual, I was hungry as a bear after swimming. My appetite is back. I suspect the reason, initially, that appetite was surpressed by exercise was due to the fact that I was completely and utterly out of shape. Not that I am far from that even now, only that my metabolism and such has caught up with things. So a great meal was enjoyed. It should be warming up, soon enough, so that perhaps we can get out shooting again. That would be a nice change of pace. My friend has a number of new pistols to try out, and has nearly rebuilt a few of his favorite pistols, none of which he has been able to test. I just want a little time on target.
A little more tinkering with my iTunes library, then to bed early. I may have things to do tomorrow. I will be hitting my home, too. It is starting to smell a little funny, look a little haggard, and simply is begging for a little attention. With so many things going on, it's been too long since I had a lick or spit to offer. Ah, I did stop at a store to check on belts. It seems the model number is needed. I'll... get that. And actually try that data myself, to try to locate an actual belt number, then either order it or see who has it locally. But for tonight, just a slow slide into sleep.
Good night.
.
Good, bad, up, down, forgetting meds, and all the rest. I have been swimming since right around the start of January. I have begun reading again since that same time. My blood pressure is staying very good, well controlled. I've even thrown in upgrading and updating what had been a loaner and now seems to be a trade. I've missed some days of swimming, I pushed too hard for a bit, my house looks like the cats are running the place (not good), and there are other problems. But I am coming alive again, quickening, strengthening. I realize, even now, that most of my waking time still is not my own. While I always knew that, I guess I didn't realize how deep that was. Now I know. I am also seeing that, in some period of time, I may actually make all of my conscious time my own, escaping only while doing drudgery that must be done. Amazing. And this while still quite eligible to be put on the heart transplant list?
Swimming was excellent today. Music is a huge plus, but sticking it out, and getting back in when I mess up, means the world to gaining strength. My first lesson is in a week. Frankly I am a bit nervous. First, it is earlier than when I usually can go. Second, it is at a specific time. It is still quite a trick to make an appointment. Thankfully, this is only once every few weeks, for now. I was thinking, in March, to begin swimming a full hour. I may attempt, instead, to add a third day into the mix, again. I'm not sure I can support that, but it would be more amenable to lessons. It's worth a shot, and I was going to increase some aspect of swimming anyway.
Swimming has not just been good for muscles, lungs, skin, and even toenails (yes, my toe nails are clearing of long held, probably fungal, infection(s)). It has been good for many other things. I believe it is the reason I have been able to dial my sleep schedule back, somehow. What swimming is doing for me probably can't be calculated as simply as for other folk. My focus, my mind in general, is improving. I really wonder how much this will help my heart? I even realize that missing a session, or skipping as the case can be, doesn't even hurt, at this point. Often it has helped.
My friend didn't want to watch a show. Dinner, he suggested. So dinner it was. And, as usual, I was hungry as a bear after swimming. My appetite is back. I suspect the reason, initially, that appetite was surpressed by exercise was due to the fact that I was completely and utterly out of shape. Not that I am far from that even now, only that my metabolism and such has caught up with things. So a great meal was enjoyed. It should be warming up, soon enough, so that perhaps we can get out shooting again. That would be a nice change of pace. My friend has a number of new pistols to try out, and has nearly rebuilt a few of his favorite pistols, none of which he has been able to test. I just want a little time on target.
A little more tinkering with my iTunes library, then to bed early. I may have things to do tomorrow. I will be hitting my home, too. It is starting to smell a little funny, look a little haggard, and simply is begging for a little attention. With so many things going on, it's been too long since I had a lick or spit to offer. Ah, I did stop at a store to check on belts. It seems the model number is needed. I'll... get that. And actually try that data myself, to try to locate an actual belt number, then either order it or see who has it locally. But for tonight, just a slow slide into sleep.
Good night.
On my way to days again.
.
.
I did enough goofing yesterday, and work for the last week or two, to get to bed relatively early last night. Getting out of bed, as well, and before the alarm, just adds to the feeling of success. I am sure I have mentioned how much I hate waking to an alarm before. I take every opportunity to reassign the fact that I hate waking to an alarm to memory though. Oh, I'll do it. And I am glad for alarm clocks. I am simply not pleased by the reality that they are necessary. So when I escape their beeping, bleating, blaring, noise, I am always a bit happier of a man.
My goal is to get a shower in before noon. I had thought to consider making it to Mass. I woke at 10:15 so it was technically possible. Here it is already 11:00 and I have... no idea how so much time passed between now and then? While it is still technically possible, with the kind of time lapse I just saw I don't think it is truly possible. Next week I hope to try and be on track again for Mass. Yes, I do try. And while I seem to be gaining strength, doing more, making headway, most people don't understand just what a deep hole I am starting from. I paint a beautiful picture. But I create the context. I develop the scenarios. I edit the content. And you see what is right, or good, or successful. You don't get to see that I meant to do something at noon but didn't do it until 15:00. You don't get to see what else I failed to do. You don't get to see how much it cost. I am only slightly better than a 90 year old man, and not all of them. The difference is, with me, there is some hope at improvement. And that hope is accelerating. But I am not there yet. I am far from there.
Hmm, a shower by noon, an hour to rest and dry, then into town. I will be taking several movies for my friend to enjoy after the swim. I may see if I can get the belts I need, as well. The store that I bought my chainsaw at might carry them, as may another general bigbox hardware store, or so I heard. Other than that, I think my tasks in town will be rather limited today. Still, it will be a long day, depending on how many movies are watched.
Later.
.
I did enough goofing yesterday, and work for the last week or two, to get to bed relatively early last night. Getting out of bed, as well, and before the alarm, just adds to the feeling of success. I am sure I have mentioned how much I hate waking to an alarm before. I take every opportunity to reassign the fact that I hate waking to an alarm to memory though. Oh, I'll do it. And I am glad for alarm clocks. I am simply not pleased by the reality that they are necessary. So when I escape their beeping, bleating, blaring, noise, I am always a bit happier of a man.
My goal is to get a shower in before noon. I had thought to consider making it to Mass. I woke at 10:15 so it was technically possible. Here it is already 11:00 and I have... no idea how so much time passed between now and then? While it is still technically possible, with the kind of time lapse I just saw I don't think it is truly possible. Next week I hope to try and be on track again for Mass. Yes, I do try. And while I seem to be gaining strength, doing more, making headway, most people don't understand just what a deep hole I am starting from. I paint a beautiful picture. But I create the context. I develop the scenarios. I edit the content. And you see what is right, or good, or successful. You don't get to see that I meant to do something at noon but didn't do it until 15:00. You don't get to see what else I failed to do. You don't get to see how much it cost. I am only slightly better than a 90 year old man, and not all of them. The difference is, with me, there is some hope at improvement. And that hope is accelerating. But I am not there yet. I am far from there.
Hmm, a shower by noon, an hour to rest and dry, then into town. I will be taking several movies for my friend to enjoy after the swim. I may see if I can get the belts I need, as well. The store that I bought my chainsaw at might carry them, as may another general bigbox hardware store, or so I heard. Other than that, I think my tasks in town will be rather limited today. Still, it will be a long day, depending on how many movies are watched.
Later.
Not too much done, but all good.
.
.
I've been tinkering in iTunes, setting up albums by adding missing cover art and putting collections together as sometimes iTunes takes a 'greatest hits' album and splits it into parts of the albums they came from. A bit of tinkering, and learning a couple of keystroke shortcuts have made that job a LOT easier. I can't be sure how many albums are remaining that must be worked, and some albums have even heavier work, but I'm not worried about this. It is just something I will do here and there, when I need a break, or between other tasks. Tonight just happened to be one of those nights.
I need to find food though. I've been living on the incoming meals and a fast food stop or two a week for quite a bit. I've let the kitchen sort of fall apart. Now, I can't fix the kitchen tonight, but I am almost certain I can figure out something hot, meaty, and plentiful. Hungry... very seriously harshly hungry. A bite or dozen, then to crash and perhaps be up and out in time to swim tomorrow. So hollow, so thin, life that is, sometimes. I stretched things though, and so it's fine.
Food, sleep... that's all I can think or do, I hope. Good night.
.
I've been tinkering in iTunes, setting up albums by adding missing cover art and putting collections together as sometimes iTunes takes a 'greatest hits' album and splits it into parts of the albums they came from. A bit of tinkering, and learning a couple of keystroke shortcuts have made that job a LOT easier. I can't be sure how many albums are remaining that must be worked, and some albums have even heavier work, but I'm not worried about this. It is just something I will do here and there, when I need a break, or between other tasks. Tonight just happened to be one of those nights.
I need to find food though. I've been living on the incoming meals and a fast food stop or two a week for quite a bit. I've let the kitchen sort of fall apart. Now, I can't fix the kitchen tonight, but I am almost certain I can figure out something hot, meaty, and plentiful. Hungry... very seriously harshly hungry. A bite or dozen, then to crash and perhaps be up and out in time to swim tomorrow. So hollow, so thin, life that is, sometimes. I stretched things though, and so it's fine.
Food, sleep... that's all I can think or do, I hope. Good night.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Awake but clueless.
.
.
I can't remember what time I finally went to bed, if I think it was slightly before 10:00. I know I counted off the time and set the alarm for a proper length of sleep. I also know I woke before the alarm sounded, cutting my sleep quite short, but feeling fine for it. Stats have been taken, and were extra fine, medicines are about to go down too. It often surprises me how long it takes me to wake some days. I am thinking that at least an hour passes, just doing stats, getting the machine fired up, and just literally becoming actually conscious. Sometimes two will pass before I know what I am about.
I am not sure what to do today. It is a rough day. I have been pushing things, one way or another, for a bit. It is somewhere between a victory day and a crash day. I am not sure much will be done. And I don't mind. My goal is to get rested up, perhaps do, or start, a few cleaning projects, but focus on getting to swimming tomorrow and heavier cleaning this weekend.
It has been very cold lately, off and on, with very warm periods creeping in from time to time. The melting has kept the driveway clear. Still, I want to get going on the snow blower. Perhaps, if I make it in for the swim early enough tomorrow, I can stop at a couple of other stores before visiting my friend to watch movies and find a replacement belt. I still can't find the manual, if I haven't been looking as much as I would like. Then again, many manuals are generic, and cover all their models, so they don't always even have the actual belt type listed specifically. Still, I want that manual.
On to... whatever today holds.
.
I can't remember what time I finally went to bed, if I think it was slightly before 10:00. I know I counted off the time and set the alarm for a proper length of sleep. I also know I woke before the alarm sounded, cutting my sleep quite short, but feeling fine for it. Stats have been taken, and were extra fine, medicines are about to go down too. It often surprises me how long it takes me to wake some days. I am thinking that at least an hour passes, just doing stats, getting the machine fired up, and just literally becoming actually conscious. Sometimes two will pass before I know what I am about.
I am not sure what to do today. It is a rough day. I have been pushing things, one way or another, for a bit. It is somewhere between a victory day and a crash day. I am not sure much will be done. And I don't mind. My goal is to get rested up, perhaps do, or start, a few cleaning projects, but focus on getting to swimming tomorrow and heavier cleaning this weekend.
It has been very cold lately, off and on, with very warm periods creeping in from time to time. The melting has kept the driveway clear. Still, I want to get going on the snow blower. Perhaps, if I make it in for the swim early enough tomorrow, I can stop at a couple of other stores before visiting my friend to watch movies and find a replacement belt. I still can't find the manual, if I haven't been looking as much as I would like. Then again, many manuals are generic, and cover all their models, so they don't always even have the actual belt type listed specifically. Still, I want that manual.
On to... whatever today holds.
Now can I hazzes my life back?
.
.
Well, okay, that title wasn't written by me. The girls are getting rather jealous of me and the machine, with a cd book in my lap. Done, 363 albums, some of them multi-cd... 178 of those went on last night. I gave the cd/dvd player breaks. After putting up a goodly sum I would watch the Batman movies. I can't believe I got that many on in that short of a time though. I suppose practice from putting the first half on? Maybe the computer was running better? Not sure, but I am done.
Next, I need to begin getting my days and nights straightened out. The goal, at a minimum, is to be in to the pool by 14:00 Friday. After that, getting my mornings back. Yeah, I know, but I got hooked on getting this job done. It was a bit of a marathon. Little else has been done and my house needs care, laundry needs washed, and I need a bit of a break. Still, I am rather pleased with this little task. I really... yeah, you know... didn't think it was going to take this long. Could you imagine living in a world where you could know how long it would take... or even set an impossible time goal and still easily reach it? Now that would be a kick.
Time for bed and some needed, and perhaps well deserved, rest. See you... later. Mostly.
.
Well, okay, that title wasn't written by me. The girls are getting rather jealous of me and the machine, with a cd book in my lap. Done, 363 albums, some of them multi-cd... 178 of those went on last night. I gave the cd/dvd player breaks. After putting up a goodly sum I would watch the Batman movies. I can't believe I got that many on in that short of a time though. I suppose practice from putting the first half on? Maybe the computer was running better? Not sure, but I am done.
Next, I need to begin getting my days and nights straightened out. The goal, at a minimum, is to be in to the pool by 14:00 Friday. After that, getting my mornings back. Yeah, I know, but I got hooked on getting this job done. It was a bit of a marathon. Little else has been done and my house needs care, laundry needs washed, and I need a bit of a break. Still, I am rather pleased with this little task. I really... yeah, you know... didn't think it was going to take this long. Could you imagine living in a world where you could know how long it would take... or even set an impossible time goal and still easily reach it? Now that would be a kick.
Time for bed and some needed, and perhaps well deserved, rest. See you... later. Mostly.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Okay, well.
.
.
I was hoping to be awake earlier than I was today. I had something I really wanted to do. I did wake up a time or two, earlier, but I could not rise. I must have worn myself pretty well yesterday. I did watch one of the movies, then went on to put more of my music collection into iTunes. If nothing else I am pleased with my insistence and bullheaded drive. Well, okay, those things don't impress me. I've always had them. I guess what pleases me is that, in spite of problems, complications, typical mood swings, and all else, that I am sticking with the task. I have had some serious hurdles to clamber over to get to this point. Uhrm, for me. Others might have swept these things aside and just kept going. This is new turf for me. Heck, I am even pretty sure when I finish I will put my day schedule back in order and, mostly, keep it there. My slips will be just that. Pleased, if not perfectly. I know the time approaches for me to become a prince of myself once again.
Stats were good today. I, however, seem to have lost two pounds? Not a worry, just... strange. At this time. I fed the girls and looked over the wreck of my home. Yes, she needs some work. I'll... be on that, too, pretty soon. Then into the bathroom to tend to nature. As I was washing my hands I looked up. I've been seeing this for some time, but today it was... more extreme. It is almost spooking me, the man in the mirror. My face is changing. I am not recognizing he who is in the mirror. My body is... changing, everywhere, but it is the face that... catches my breath for a second. I am not sure I like the look. Not that I was handsome, just that I was familiar with the look. Oh, I will continue. It's just shocking to me. I can't even, yet, quite describe what the difference is. I will have to deal with my feelings regarding it before I can begin to intellectually quantify the changes. I'll... figure it out, sooner or later.
Odd thoughts, as I was waking, listening to music, taking that in...
I knew of sex before it could be considered a sin. As such I don't think of it as a sin. Oh, sure, I came to understand that if another man had a legal claim, that was a sin. And I have learned that sex out of marriage, itself, is a sin. And, yes, I respect that, accept that, acknowledge and surrender to these things. Yet I knew things that few men and women ever can. I don't believe that this knowledge or understanding can be known to females, because such things are limited by pain. While suffering isn't a guarantee of wrongness, we must suffer at times, it is an indication that some things at some times are not right, just as pain might indicate a wound, it can indicate sin. Males know no such things... mostly. Our pain, in sex, is so fast it doesn't register consciously, I mean. My experiences, with this and fighting, war really as war is reduced to two men at a time give or take, have lead me to possible understandings that most will never know. By the time most encountered either of these facets of human notions they had already been told these things were bad, or wrong, and had them defined biologically, socially, morally, ethically, religiously, and in many other ways... if they didn't fully understand what they had been taught.
When I came to the teaching, I already knew... or believed I knew... what of the teaching was false. I didn't have to depend on blind people trying to lead me in faith through the unknown, to be sure. And while my notions where childish, of course, I do believe my notions were far superior to much of what was being taught. Being told that violence solves nothing, for example, was risible on it's face. I knew far better. Being told that females longed for respect and tender emotions, as well, or my reactions to such teachings, almost got me sent to the principles office a time or two. I simply asked for a bathroom break as a truce, which I used to empty my funny bone.
I have matured. I understand that there are layers, levels, subtleties, and yet still believe most of that which was taught is incorrect. I know that while women do not seek such things, for example, in love, they do need them... in the larger context. If too I am pretty sure men can't offer these things, not rightly, only provide an environment in which a woman may explore or develop their own environment for them. We, men, can only peripherally be attendant, or more often forgiving, of that nature and need in women. I still say these notions of what a woman needs has nothing to do with what draws, or keeps her with, a man. Although, for a wise man who allots time and other resources to allowing his woman to develop these things, there will be a goodly restoration of what was spent, if not in like. Your gold for her silver and diamonds? Summit. I have learned about war, too. I have seen the ultimate of where it goes, what it costs, even to the victor. And I am more prepared, than ever, to pay either price, or any of the prices, even as I suffer from some of those costs.
I easily understand, however, that most people can't know what I have seen. Few have known sinless love or war. I tell you this... you have much to know. I hope you see your way to heaven. I may well be, should I be there, a tutor. For now, however, and here? I have much to learn yet. So, tutor me. I truly don't understand this world of yours, always, fully, mostly. I will abide your rules, give or take. Just... understand we aren't of the same place I think.
.
I was hoping to be awake earlier than I was today. I had something I really wanted to do. I did wake up a time or two, earlier, but I could not rise. I must have worn myself pretty well yesterday. I did watch one of the movies, then went on to put more of my music collection into iTunes. If nothing else I am pleased with my insistence and bullheaded drive. Well, okay, those things don't impress me. I've always had them. I guess what pleases me is that, in spite of problems, complications, typical mood swings, and all else, that I am sticking with the task. I have had some serious hurdles to clamber over to get to this point. Uhrm, for me. Others might have swept these things aside and just kept going. This is new turf for me. Heck, I am even pretty sure when I finish I will put my day schedule back in order and, mostly, keep it there. My slips will be just that. Pleased, if not perfectly. I know the time approaches for me to become a prince of myself once again.
Stats were good today. I, however, seem to have lost two pounds? Not a worry, just... strange. At this time. I fed the girls and looked over the wreck of my home. Yes, she needs some work. I'll... be on that, too, pretty soon. Then into the bathroom to tend to nature. As I was washing my hands I looked up. I've been seeing this for some time, but today it was... more extreme. It is almost spooking me, the man in the mirror. My face is changing. I am not recognizing he who is in the mirror. My body is... changing, everywhere, but it is the face that... catches my breath for a second. I am not sure I like the look. Not that I was handsome, just that I was familiar with the look. Oh, I will continue. It's just shocking to me. I can't even, yet, quite describe what the difference is. I will have to deal with my feelings regarding it before I can begin to intellectually quantify the changes. I'll... figure it out, sooner or later.
Odd thoughts, as I was waking, listening to music, taking that in...
I knew of sex before it could be considered a sin. As such I don't think of it as a sin. Oh, sure, I came to understand that if another man had a legal claim, that was a sin. And I have learned that sex out of marriage, itself, is a sin. And, yes, I respect that, accept that, acknowledge and surrender to these things. Yet I knew things that few men and women ever can. I don't believe that this knowledge or understanding can be known to females, because such things are limited by pain. While suffering isn't a guarantee of wrongness, we must suffer at times, it is an indication that some things at some times are not right, just as pain might indicate a wound, it can indicate sin. Males know no such things... mostly. Our pain, in sex, is so fast it doesn't register consciously, I mean. My experiences, with this and fighting, war really as war is reduced to two men at a time give or take, have lead me to possible understandings that most will never know. By the time most encountered either of these facets of human notions they had already been told these things were bad, or wrong, and had them defined biologically, socially, morally, ethically, religiously, and in many other ways... if they didn't fully understand what they had been taught.
When I came to the teaching, I already knew... or believed I knew... what of the teaching was false. I didn't have to depend on blind people trying to lead me in faith through the unknown, to be sure. And while my notions where childish, of course, I do believe my notions were far superior to much of what was being taught. Being told that violence solves nothing, for example, was risible on it's face. I knew far better. Being told that females longed for respect and tender emotions, as well, or my reactions to such teachings, almost got me sent to the principles office a time or two. I simply asked for a bathroom break as a truce, which I used to empty my funny bone.
I have matured. I understand that there are layers, levels, subtleties, and yet still believe most of that which was taught is incorrect. I know that while women do not seek such things, for example, in love, they do need them... in the larger context. If too I am pretty sure men can't offer these things, not rightly, only provide an environment in which a woman may explore or develop their own environment for them. We, men, can only peripherally be attendant, or more often forgiving, of that nature and need in women. I still say these notions of what a woman needs has nothing to do with what draws, or keeps her with, a man. Although, for a wise man who allots time and other resources to allowing his woman to develop these things, there will be a goodly restoration of what was spent, if not in like. Your gold for her silver and diamonds? Summit. I have learned about war, too. I have seen the ultimate of where it goes, what it costs, even to the victor. And I am more prepared, than ever, to pay either price, or any of the prices, even as I suffer from some of those costs.
I easily understand, however, that most people can't know what I have seen. Few have known sinless love or war. I tell you this... you have much to know. I hope you see your way to heaven. I may well be, should I be there, a tutor. For now, however, and here? I have much to learn yet. So, tutor me. I truly don't understand this world of yours, always, fully, mostly. I will abide your rules, give or take. Just... understand we aren't of the same place I think.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Well???
.
.
I was running just a little late, even being up when I had wanted to be, more or less. But I did make it into the pool. The same guy I told I would not share my lane with tried to do it again. He is about 4'8" and 100, soaking wet. I didn't notice last time, but then I was looking up out of the pool at him last time. This time he tried to get into my lane right as I was getting to it. What doesn't he understand about "no"? Not now, not later, not next month, never. There simply isn't room for me to share a lane, and I'm not comfortable with that anyway. Even a pretty girl wouldn't be given that allowance, save my wife, and then only when necessary. He ain't my wife and isn't even on the list. *grumbles* NO!
I swam well again. Music in the pool is simply... incredible. Now, I was hitting the stride before I became lax for a bit, but my breaks were much longer. The music keeps me in touch with time, keeps my mind off the work, and just makes the task more pleasant. Another few weeks, to a month, and I would guess I will begin swimming a hole hour. I won't be filling it. It will be more like how it was when I started on the half hour thing, about that full. But I see it. How long it will take me to hit even a solid hour long mile swim is anybody's guess. The last time I did it it took right at three months, if that was on Ritalin. You know, with swimming, benching, and Ritalin, all together, that really should have killed me. I'm not doing weights this time. And I am monitoring my bp and such. The heart monitor for the pool may end up being a bust though. On cavedilol, my pulse may not go up, as it would with a non-medicated swimmer. I may not have levels like that. One of the things the medicine does is reduce the pulse. They must really have thought I was going to pop when, the last time I was on it, my pulse was hitting 120. Hehe I shouldn't mess with them, as if I knew any more than they, or had any control.
After swimming, I headed to my see my friend. No movie today, I simply didn't have time. But he needed to go to the bank and get some printed temporary checks, as he is nearly out. Then we went through the drive-through. I am always starving after a swim and I haven't been keeping up on eggs. We chatted a bit, and I suggested I would be back with a movie for Friday. I then headed out with what I thought was plenty of time. A few of these and those for the KoC meeting. Okay, Walmart had most of what I needed. Not everything. I then began trying to track down the two missing items on my list. Not here, not there, not... finally I gave up, found an alternative group of items (warm diet soda, ice, and cups). I checked the time. Ugh! Almost 19:30, but the social hour was at 18:30, which means... everything I had just bought was useless, save for next time. And, being this late, I just decided to wrap it up. On my way out though I stopped to check on a triple-play movie group... the Batman collection. Not at Walmart, or the one I checked. But there was one other place that might carry it. It is probably the only locally owned book, dvd, and cd store, with some rental capacity, still in town. And, they had it. Yeah, yeah, I know. But of the decent things that have come out in movies, Batman has stayed, to my mind, true to form. A little darker than the original tv series (thankfully, though I loved it back when, I have simply grown up), but pretty much on track with how I thought, and think, the thing should go.
Hmm, I am now not sure if I should plant more cds into the machine, watch at least one of the movies then do some of that, or kill my sleep patterns and simply watch movies. Hey, those are my choices. I'm still burning from missing the meeting. I hate being an idiot, and I won't go in late unless there is truly no other choice or I am very necessary to a particular process within the meeting. I just think that being late, without letting people know ahead of time, is rather rude. That may be my mistake? Oh, and exercise sort of invigorated me as well, and on top of my search and destroy...uhrm...buy mission. How could I have become so focused that I lost track of time that badly? I am trying, and doing better. I guess I just have a lot more work to do.
Later.
.
I was running just a little late, even being up when I had wanted to be, more or less. But I did make it into the pool. The same guy I told I would not share my lane with tried to do it again. He is about 4'8" and 100, soaking wet. I didn't notice last time, but then I was looking up out of the pool at him last time. This time he tried to get into my lane right as I was getting to it. What doesn't he understand about "no"? Not now, not later, not next month, never. There simply isn't room for me to share a lane, and I'm not comfortable with that anyway. Even a pretty girl wouldn't be given that allowance, save my wife, and then only when necessary. He ain't my wife and isn't even on the list. *grumbles* NO!
I swam well again. Music in the pool is simply... incredible. Now, I was hitting the stride before I became lax for a bit, but my breaks were much longer. The music keeps me in touch with time, keeps my mind off the work, and just makes the task more pleasant. Another few weeks, to a month, and I would guess I will begin swimming a hole hour. I won't be filling it. It will be more like how it was when I started on the half hour thing, about that full. But I see it. How long it will take me to hit even a solid hour long mile swim is anybody's guess. The last time I did it it took right at three months, if that was on Ritalin. You know, with swimming, benching, and Ritalin, all together, that really should have killed me. I'm not doing weights this time. And I am monitoring my bp and such. The heart monitor for the pool may end up being a bust though. On cavedilol, my pulse may not go up, as it would with a non-medicated swimmer. I may not have levels like that. One of the things the medicine does is reduce the pulse. They must really have thought I was going to pop when, the last time I was on it, my pulse was hitting 120. Hehe I shouldn't mess with them, as if I knew any more than they, or had any control.
After swimming, I headed to my see my friend. No movie today, I simply didn't have time. But he needed to go to the bank and get some printed temporary checks, as he is nearly out. Then we went through the drive-through. I am always starving after a swim and I haven't been keeping up on eggs. We chatted a bit, and I suggested I would be back with a movie for Friday. I then headed out with what I thought was plenty of time. A few of these and those for the KoC meeting. Okay, Walmart had most of what I needed. Not everything. I then began trying to track down the two missing items on my list. Not here, not there, not... finally I gave up, found an alternative group of items (warm diet soda, ice, and cups). I checked the time. Ugh! Almost 19:30, but the social hour was at 18:30, which means... everything I had just bought was useless, save for next time. And, being this late, I just decided to wrap it up. On my way out though I stopped to check on a triple-play movie group... the Batman collection. Not at Walmart, or the one I checked. But there was one other place that might carry it. It is probably the only locally owned book, dvd, and cd store, with some rental capacity, still in town. And, they had it. Yeah, yeah, I know. But of the decent things that have come out in movies, Batman has stayed, to my mind, true to form. A little darker than the original tv series (thankfully, though I loved it back when, I have simply grown up), but pretty much on track with how I thought, and think, the thing should go.
Hmm, I am now not sure if I should plant more cds into the machine, watch at least one of the movies then do some of that, or kill my sleep patterns and simply watch movies. Hey, those are my choices. I'm still burning from missing the meeting. I hate being an idiot, and I won't go in late unless there is truly no other choice or I am very necessary to a particular process within the meeting. I just think that being late, without letting people know ahead of time, is rather rude. That may be my mistake? Oh, and exercise sort of invigorated me as well, and on top of my search and destroy...uhrm...buy mission. How could I have become so focused that I lost track of time that badly? I am trying, and doing better. I guess I just have a lot more work to do.
Later.
Not bad.
.
.
Sleep was fantastic, as sound as I suspected, healthy and of the right length. Waking was pretty good. I took stats, again, finally, after some time off from those. My weight is staying absolutely rock steady. In all of my adult life, I have never seen that, gaining and losing as much as 50 pounds in a few months and I have seen a 10 pound shift in a single day. It doesn't matter what I eat, drink, do or not do... now... 277 even today. I haven't changed more than a pound (rounded off completely) in... months? Wow... never mind. Blood pressure is good. I am going to test blood sugar later, after I have eaten, probably right before bedtime.
I am beginning to suspect that most men of my age or older are... grumpy old men. Further, the older we get the more we understand... about life, other people, how things work. You don't need to be psychic if you have 'been there, done that'. Further, we become much more cynical, critical, suspect, call it what you will. We understand that if you throw a rock, it will hit something, and often we have a really good idea what it will hit and what will happen after that. Which means most men of my age throw carefully, I may be a bit weak in this area. We know when something is wrong, or right, if men at my age still want to... test that. But the older you get, the less testing, I suspect, will occur. Mostly. I think my problem, compared to other men, is that while I have lived to this age, I am caught between two ages due to my illness. I have the same time in life experiences as my fellows, but much of it occurred so that I could not remember it. It might be like a car that was put on blocks with the wheels going. Lets just assume the odometer kept running. The cars that have been road driven are... more practical, and a little more beat up. Engine wear (assuming the pedal and breaks were being used in 'my vehicle' as if road-testing (which I would argue they have been)) is the same, if other parts might not have the same wear. Then again, 'my car' had been a demolition derby driver before it was put up on blocks. My vehicle has more damage, but it was... urhm... shortly, sharply, sweetly derived. It is simply difficult for me to fit in. If... that isn't even all of it.
I think men of a certain age all have more trouble fitting in than not. It becomes more difficult to fit in, like old bulls. Cranky, physically tired just by life at our age, set in ways, and such. Different things have worn us all down, illness, work, family, duty, guilt, life, time. Yeah, I don't think I am alone, or as alone as I thought. I just come at it from such a radically different perspective that I can't always understand what I am encountering. No, no problem. It's just that knot the other day, it's been being worked on. I didn't realize until I heard the *ding, thought is ready for your perusal* thing. I'm tinkering with it consciously now. Ever see a kitten stuck in a pile of yarn or a pup tangled up in a shirt? Well, so goes it. Still, it's beginning to make more sense.
Up shortly after noon. I set the alarm to get in the shower before 14:00. The goal is to be in town, swimming no later than 15:00. Then I'll take the movies to my friend's place, watch one or two, then go on to the KoC meeting, where we are hoping no lightning strikes. I do enjoy me some conspiracy theories, theological of nature or not. I do pull the strings that others have, to see where they go, and I have my own pet ones. I think this is a man thing, too, though. Like our techno, mechanical, food, and beer interests. Men seem to have this small sphere of things that we hold in some kind of commonality. It starts young, comic books, Boy Scout gear, taking things apart, confusion, distrust, yet interest in girls... it just grows with us. We don't change all that much if we do get better at making, breaking, and knowing a bit. That is comforting. Even there I have seen other things, but the core was built... by the world, nature, family, friends, and myself.
Well... A bit of reading and then off to the pool. Good day.
.
Sleep was fantastic, as sound as I suspected, healthy and of the right length. Waking was pretty good. I took stats, again, finally, after some time off from those. My weight is staying absolutely rock steady. In all of my adult life, I have never seen that, gaining and losing as much as 50 pounds in a few months and I have seen a 10 pound shift in a single day. It doesn't matter what I eat, drink, do or not do... now... 277 even today. I haven't changed more than a pound (rounded off completely) in... months? Wow... never mind. Blood pressure is good. I am going to test blood sugar later, after I have eaten, probably right before bedtime.
I am beginning to suspect that most men of my age or older are... grumpy old men. Further, the older we get the more we understand... about life, other people, how things work. You don't need to be psychic if you have 'been there, done that'. Further, we become much more cynical, critical, suspect, call it what you will. We understand that if you throw a rock, it will hit something, and often we have a really good idea what it will hit and what will happen after that. Which means most men of my age throw carefully, I may be a bit weak in this area. We know when something is wrong, or right, if men at my age still want to... test that. But the older you get, the less testing, I suspect, will occur. Mostly. I think my problem, compared to other men, is that while I have lived to this age, I am caught between two ages due to my illness. I have the same time in life experiences as my fellows, but much of it occurred so that I could not remember it. It might be like a car that was put on blocks with the wheels going. Lets just assume the odometer kept running. The cars that have been road driven are... more practical, and a little more beat up. Engine wear (assuming the pedal and breaks were being used in 'my vehicle' as if road-testing (which I would argue they have been)) is the same, if other parts might not have the same wear. Then again, 'my car' had been a demolition derby driver before it was put up on blocks. My vehicle has more damage, but it was... urhm... shortly, sharply, sweetly derived. It is simply difficult for me to fit in. If... that isn't even all of it.
I think men of a certain age all have more trouble fitting in than not. It becomes more difficult to fit in, like old bulls. Cranky, physically tired just by life at our age, set in ways, and such. Different things have worn us all down, illness, work, family, duty, guilt, life, time. Yeah, I don't think I am alone, or as alone as I thought. I just come at it from such a radically different perspective that I can't always understand what I am encountering. No, no problem. It's just that knot the other day, it's been being worked on. I didn't realize until I heard the *ding, thought is ready for your perusal* thing. I'm tinkering with it consciously now. Ever see a kitten stuck in a pile of yarn or a pup tangled up in a shirt? Well, so goes it. Still, it's beginning to make more sense.
Up shortly after noon. I set the alarm to get in the shower before 14:00. The goal is to be in town, swimming no later than 15:00. Then I'll take the movies to my friend's place, watch one or two, then go on to the KoC meeting, where we are hoping no lightning strikes. I do enjoy me some conspiracy theories, theological of nature or not. I do pull the strings that others have, to see where they go, and I have my own pet ones. I think this is a man thing, too, though. Like our techno, mechanical, food, and beer interests. Men seem to have this small sphere of things that we hold in some kind of commonality. It starts young, comic books, Boy Scout gear, taking things apart, confusion, distrust, yet interest in girls... it just grows with us. We don't change all that much if we do get better at making, breaking, and knowing a bit. That is comforting. Even there I have seen other things, but the core was built... by the world, nature, family, friends, and myself.
Well... A bit of reading and then off to the pool. Good day.
A few more, done for the night.
.
.
It took a little longer than I... well... thought. Still, I finished the first big cd book. Along with the other little one and loose uploaded, that leaves one more big cd book. Thankfully I am actually tired. I wasn't sure I would be. As it turned out I had to push to get the last five or ten cds uploaded. All good. I should sleep well and hard. My eyes are barely staying open. From iTunes, it looks like I put in 38 more cds. It was more though, some of them were double, up to five cd albums. Some of my classics collection are just that way. Tired, for sure.
.
It took a little longer than I... well... thought. Still, I finished the first big cd book. Along with the other little one and loose uploaded, that leaves one more big cd book. Thankfully I am actually tired. I wasn't sure I would be. As it turned out I had to push to get the last five or ten cds uploaded. All good. I should sleep well and hard. My eyes are barely staying open. From iTunes, it looks like I put in 38 more cds. It was more though, some of them were double, up to five cd albums. Some of my classics collection are just that way. Tired, for sure.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Weak, in several ways.
.
.
I burned out doing tech stuff, which I am only 2/3rds finished with, at most. In burning out I also got an addiction going. I haven't seen the Babylon 5 shows in some time. Favor them or not, to me they were quite a pleasure. Something I enjoyed with, probably, the first woman I was trying to love correctly... if we came at the thing from the wrong direction. In any case, beside enjoying the show, watching them brought back... fond memories. Popcorn, pajamas, and two 'kids' watching then discussing things... not always politely if usually... about the various shows. She was the only woman I liked to enjoy my, if secular at the time, sci-fi diversions with... or more, she was the first who actually enjoyed watching them with me... much to both of our surprise as it turns out. So, when I pulled down the first two seasons, 45 shows in all, I... watched them, almost straight through.
Bah! Now I need to begin uploading the other half of my music. My sleep schedule is in shambles, if I think I can begin putting it back together. I am stronger in that regard now, only my weakness to watch and possibly upload cds might interfere. Yes, yes, Vir, what is it now? Never mind... I did not swim today. I stayed up until... 9:00? 5:00? 11:00? Something. I have been staying up so long between normal things, what little must happen, and watching the series, that I am a bit off in every way. I did, barely, get the pork picked up and brought home. So, tomorrow, I should at least be able to swim, even if I begin uploading the remnant of one of my two big cd cases, the little one and strays are mostly already uploaded. I have one more big one to go. Or, of 348 cds, that I have found so far, I have 178 cds left to upload. *shrug*
Whatever else, I suspect I have done a rather good job with the tech and uploading. I needed the break, if a little more sleep would have, perhaps, been better. Still, considering that if this had been work, I would have been pulling 12-16 hour days or more, purely working, for the last... week and day or two... I am not totally displeased. More to go, but then... I can possibly get back to a regular schedule, get my home cleaned up a bit, and prepare to live a bit quieter of a life. Yes, pleased, if not as pleased if I could have done more. Some jobs simply preclude more. And my few days of the series watching R&R is forgivable, in my opinion.
Tomorrow, though, swimming. Then Friday again. The rest of this week will probably be uploading cds until it is once and finally done? Ugh... Seriously, harsh. Well, on to doing a bit more uploading, and I am tired enough that I should be in bed so that an early enough rise is possible to be swimming in the early afternoon. For now that is good enough.
I'm not sure why I have been being upset by things I already knew, and before that spiritual angst. I don't know what is going on. No problems, really... It is winter, and by all rights I should be in as close to a coma as I get. So that since I am doing anything it probably means I am half pulling myself apart to stay awake and even mostly functioning. It is almost against... no IT IS against all of my native conditioning by, for, of natural seasonal weather for my entire adult life. Yes, that would explain my whining. My body is trying to trip down, my health and will are strong enough to prevent it. While two of the three sides mean a win for function, a divided house is... contentious. Yes, maybe. Then again, I remember times where I was in these sorts of troubles on a weekly basis. The times have changed, if not all is forgotten.
Good night.
.
I burned out doing tech stuff, which I am only 2/3rds finished with, at most. In burning out I also got an addiction going. I haven't seen the Babylon 5 shows in some time. Favor them or not, to me they were quite a pleasure. Something I enjoyed with, probably, the first woman I was trying to love correctly... if we came at the thing from the wrong direction. In any case, beside enjoying the show, watching them brought back... fond memories. Popcorn, pajamas, and two 'kids' watching then discussing things... not always politely if usually... about the various shows. She was the only woman I liked to enjoy my, if secular at the time, sci-fi diversions with... or more, she was the first who actually enjoyed watching them with me... much to both of our surprise as it turns out. So, when I pulled down the first two seasons, 45 shows in all, I... watched them, almost straight through.
Bah! Now I need to begin uploading the other half of my music. My sleep schedule is in shambles, if I think I can begin putting it back together. I am stronger in that regard now, only my weakness to watch and possibly upload cds might interfere. Yes, yes, Vir, what is it now? Never mind... I did not swim today. I stayed up until... 9:00? 5:00? 11:00? Something. I have been staying up so long between normal things, what little must happen, and watching the series, that I am a bit off in every way. I did, barely, get the pork picked up and brought home. So, tomorrow, I should at least be able to swim, even if I begin uploading the remnant of one of my two big cd cases, the little one and strays are mostly already uploaded. I have one more big one to go. Or, of 348 cds, that I have found so far, I have 178 cds left to upload. *shrug*
Whatever else, I suspect I have done a rather good job with the tech and uploading. I needed the break, if a little more sleep would have, perhaps, been better. Still, considering that if this had been work, I would have been pulling 12-16 hour days or more, purely working, for the last... week and day or two... I am not totally displeased. More to go, but then... I can possibly get back to a regular schedule, get my home cleaned up a bit, and prepare to live a bit quieter of a life. Yes, pleased, if not as pleased if I could have done more. Some jobs simply preclude more. And my few days of the series watching R&R is forgivable, in my opinion.
Tomorrow, though, swimming. Then Friday again. The rest of this week will probably be uploading cds until it is once and finally done? Ugh... Seriously, harsh. Well, on to doing a bit more uploading, and I am tired enough that I should be in bed so that an early enough rise is possible to be swimming in the early afternoon. For now that is good enough.
I'm not sure why I have been being upset by things I already knew, and before that spiritual angst. I don't know what is going on. No problems, really... It is winter, and by all rights I should be in as close to a coma as I get. So that since I am doing anything it probably means I am half pulling myself apart to stay awake and even mostly functioning. It is almost against... no IT IS against all of my native conditioning by, for, of natural seasonal weather for my entire adult life. Yes, that would explain my whining. My body is trying to trip down, my health and will are strong enough to prevent it. While two of the three sides mean a win for function, a divided house is... contentious. Yes, maybe. Then again, I remember times where I was in these sorts of troubles on a weekly basis. The times have changed, if not all is forgotten.
Good night.
Friday, February 8, 2013
I'm surprised D.C., and, well, anyone reads here.
.
.
In recent reactions with other men, some of whom I suspect very strongly of reading here, I get a mixed signal. Younger men tend to get it, if not always agree... or sympathize. If they are too young, or... naive, they don't quite bite. There is a very strong thinking that all women are like mom, they will find out. Older, and to be honest more traditionally conservative (if often quite liberal, somehow) men, especially if they have been married to one woman their whole lives, or at least married most of their adult lives, are absolutely shocked, dismayed, and... horrified by what they read here. Oh, they cover, a bit, as well as they can, but... it's plain to see.
If it were just the "story book" side of things, I could see that. Some men don't have great imaginings, considerations other than salt and pepper, potatoes and meat, and what is purely real are outside their purview. These are secular men, as I was before I became ill... and still am in an odd manner. I suppose they were forced to put up comic books, and to be honest many put religion up with those other than attendance to please the wife, or try to hold their family together, or simply out of habit, in order to be bread winners. Some men have zero imagination, or even faith, left to them. I do understand that. I went through that stage, though at a much younger age, in part due to illness, though it existed before that too, if willfulness played a strong part as well. I never could tell exactly what all, or when what, was keeping me from the Church, or other "silly" things.
Then again, I do seem rather dogmatic, for a lunatic? At least now. And, if a man is in a place where he feels he is walking on ice in life, and has decided women are equal, gays and homosexuality are just fine, or whatever other "liberal" notion, if nothing else because the nag can, well, nag, better than he can or has had the energy to defend, or the boss has said so with his job and career on the line, then he is going to begin defending what he doesn't even believe so that maybe he can at least die in some peace, at home, with a job to the end. Surrendering is never good, but maybe it is all some men have left, and it's all some men have ever known? Or maybe he has daughters, and... has surrendered to them... foolish as that is... doting... but irresponsible too. Still, I get that if I am hoping to be different.
Judgmental, fantasist perhaps, dogmatic, chauvinist if truth is on the side of it, and all the rest. Oh, I understand. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I am not, nor have ever been, typical. I never bent a knee until I met God, even when beaten save to acknowledge that I indeed lost. I didn't believe what I was taught, and found my own teachers, often in books, who truly did know more than I, and certainly more and better than the nearly literal revisionist coloring books they handed me in schools, and many of the teachers who really didn't understand what they were teaching, or that they were teaching clearly incorrect ideology rather than subjects. There were some sharp cookies in various schools, and some 'right' ones, rare as they were. I did tend to gravitate toward them. I started with the bible, actually. I am, damn straight, different. Most men are broken on the wheel of life. Even near death I am holding on, holding my own, and not backing down. Even when wrong, until I can find my own way to correctness or truth. Not an inch. So, yeah... I guess I get that. It, though, as I wake up, surprises me as much as women do, and their reactions. I think, to some men, I am a thing to be hated... feared... perhaps mocked behind my back?
.
In recent reactions with other men, some of whom I suspect very strongly of reading here, I get a mixed signal. Younger men tend to get it, if not always agree... or sympathize. If they are too young, or... naive, they don't quite bite. There is a very strong thinking that all women are like mom, they will find out. Older, and to be honest more traditionally conservative (if often quite liberal, somehow) men, especially if they have been married to one woman their whole lives, or at least married most of their adult lives, are absolutely shocked, dismayed, and... horrified by what they read here. Oh, they cover, a bit, as well as they can, but... it's plain to see.
If it were just the "story book" side of things, I could see that. Some men don't have great imaginings, considerations other than salt and pepper, potatoes and meat, and what is purely real are outside their purview. These are secular men, as I was before I became ill... and still am in an odd manner. I suppose they were forced to put up comic books, and to be honest many put religion up with those other than attendance to please the wife, or try to hold their family together, or simply out of habit, in order to be bread winners. Some men have zero imagination, or even faith, left to them. I do understand that. I went through that stage, though at a much younger age, in part due to illness, though it existed before that too, if willfulness played a strong part as well. I never could tell exactly what all, or when what, was keeping me from the Church, or other "silly" things.
Then again, I do seem rather dogmatic, for a lunatic? At least now. And, if a man is in a place where he feels he is walking on ice in life, and has decided women are equal, gays and homosexuality are just fine, or whatever other "liberal" notion, if nothing else because the nag can, well, nag, better than he can or has had the energy to defend, or the boss has said so with his job and career on the line, then he is going to begin defending what he doesn't even believe so that maybe he can at least die in some peace, at home, with a job to the end. Surrendering is never good, but maybe it is all some men have left, and it's all some men have ever known? Or maybe he has daughters, and... has surrendered to them... foolish as that is... doting... but irresponsible too. Still, I get that if I am hoping to be different.
Judgmental, fantasist perhaps, dogmatic, chauvinist if truth is on the side of it, and all the rest. Oh, I understand. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I am not, nor have ever been, typical. I never bent a knee until I met God, even when beaten save to acknowledge that I indeed lost. I didn't believe what I was taught, and found my own teachers, often in books, who truly did know more than I, and certainly more and better than the nearly literal revisionist coloring books they handed me in schools, and many of the teachers who really didn't understand what they were teaching, or that they were teaching clearly incorrect ideology rather than subjects. There were some sharp cookies in various schools, and some 'right' ones, rare as they were. I did tend to gravitate toward them. I started with the bible, actually. I am, damn straight, different. Most men are broken on the wheel of life. Even near death I am holding on, holding my own, and not backing down. Even when wrong, until I can find my own way to correctness or truth. Not an inch. So, yeah... I guess I get that. It, though, as I wake up, surprises me as much as women do, and their reactions. I think, to some men, I am a thing to be hated... feared... perhaps mocked behind my back?
Okay, well, that almost worked.
.
.
As I suggested, cutting "work", whatever that may be, should have helped. And, actually, it did. It just wasn't enough for today to go forward as planned. The pork will have to wait, I will not make it to Mass, but I will make swimming and the movies with my friend. I did sleep well, having been, even if sedentarily actionable, working. Something about keeping on a task, even without physical exertion, is tiring. I slept fairly immediately too. One other issue, I keep missing medicines. A day and an half was missed in there somehow. As of yesterday I restarted medicines. There seems to be no ill effect this time. As I have suggested, though I am doing better, I am also juggling a lot more eggs. It is impressive, by my former standards, but eggs are going to drop. The thing is to recover as quickly as possible. Which, too, is being performed in a manner that is quite pleasing.
I woke at, say, 9:30. I could not get going though. It took a little longer today, in part because I really felt the need for more sleep but pushed waking, all of the hours I have put in this week on various tasks, possibly slight med restart issues, all added onto my normal waking issues. I'm not, and never will be, a morning man. Give me noon or give me death? Well, maybe not quite that bad. And if I was going to go that way, I would choose 17:00 as my preferred "morning". It is just that the world doesn't run on my schedule and I am trying to lend to get... involvement.
I did buy something I think I will very much enjoy, the first two seasons of Babylon 5 and one of the made-for-tv shows. This is something me and my last woman enjoyed immensely. She surprised me on this one. I just didn't think she was a sci-fi nut. And, at first, she wasn't. But the characters and writing are good enough that, after a time, if you want, you don't even see anything but... people. The character development is superior. Then again, she is a Star Wars fan, if I think that was about it. She started watching just because I was watching, then got hooked. Hmm... I am thinking I will try to make her Fire a component of my system, then she can watch these too, and have access to my music and books. The only thing I want to ensure is that she doesn't have access, even accidentally or incidentally, to my credit. Teh womenz and teh credit no mixos. :p I watched the first one today, while waking. I couldn't do much else, so... I might watch another. I can still get to swimming as if I had just gotten out of Mass, so that is good enough, since I can't make Mass today.
Another thing... As I wake, in the bigger sense, I am beginning to see things a little more clearly. I have to admit, I have always thought most women were... slow. I mean, intellectually. While not quite, mostly, genius myself, I am several steps above average on the bell curve, for whatever that truly means. I am not bragging to say I am at least 115, though with the heart, exhaustion, other such things, and having good and bad days but mostly bad days, and having been tested up to the 140's, I really don't know. I might test out when I... heal. The odd thing is I can easily deal with men of a lower IQ, and women sometimes. It is just that women often intellectually fumble in our interactions. I finally figured out, perhaps, part of the problem. Women can be sexually... distracted. By me. No, as I said, I am not a handsome devil. It is my size, I must presume, or... something else about me. I actually hadn't considered the former, and I had never really thought the latter was a possibility. Never mind. D.C. and Vox have me nearly convinced that looks aren't a major thing for women, within... some tolerances I presume. Oh, sure, you knew that. I did not, not until I was further awake, and having more interactions with women in the wild. When I was younger it simply didn't matter, I wasn't 'there to analyze 'the fish', just look it over, pick a fine specimen, get her wrapped up, and take her home for consumption', since marriage had been given up on, mostly, after a few ftf's. Yeah, I know, it's just... sort of novel to me. Sorry for being so damned attractive, ladies. :p At least I don't think of you quite as poorly as before. I'm seriously serious. And it does make a huge difference. Well, fine, some of it might just be the size difference. Women do, natively, defer. There is that too, if I am noticing now, dilatations of the eyes in some women, that is how I know. It's also why a woman will try to hide her eyes sometimes, though that can often just be their native... demure, coy, chaste aspects, when they choose to employ those. Just... figuring things out, finally.
I wonder how much else in the world will become more apparent as I wake and interact more? I'm almost afraid to... look. I might have to... reevaluate some of my jokes? Nah. Well, I could actually improve them though. Hey! All is fair in love and war, more so when both are involved, as is the case with women! *grins*
Ah, just in time. I ordered some things from Amazon. Both of the delivery companies were used, and they arrived within minutes of each other, so no worries about packages sitting out all day. I bought a band workout system, for here at home when I can't make the gym for whatever reason, a couple more swimming goggles, as I lost one, the other leaks a bit and I was down to that one and a really old one that leaked back when, a device that makes taking body measurements easy, and a gas mask with several replacement canisters. I think they sent the wrong band system, though. I ordered the 256 (or such) pound system and I am counting just over ~120 pounds of bands. Gah! But they do have a phone number to call. I'll check and make sure I ordered the one I think I did, and if so give them a call. This will be enough to start out, in any case, for off days.
Well, one more in the series, then a shower, then off to swimming. Give it your best shot, good luck.
.
As I suggested, cutting "work", whatever that may be, should have helped. And, actually, it did. It just wasn't enough for today to go forward as planned. The pork will have to wait, I will not make it to Mass, but I will make swimming and the movies with my friend. I did sleep well, having been, even if sedentarily actionable, working. Something about keeping on a task, even without physical exertion, is tiring. I slept fairly immediately too. One other issue, I keep missing medicines. A day and an half was missed in there somehow. As of yesterday I restarted medicines. There seems to be no ill effect this time. As I have suggested, though I am doing better, I am also juggling a lot more eggs. It is impressive, by my former standards, but eggs are going to drop. The thing is to recover as quickly as possible. Which, too, is being performed in a manner that is quite pleasing.
I woke at, say, 9:30. I could not get going though. It took a little longer today, in part because I really felt the need for more sleep but pushed waking, all of the hours I have put in this week on various tasks, possibly slight med restart issues, all added onto my normal waking issues. I'm not, and never will be, a morning man. Give me noon or give me death? Well, maybe not quite that bad. And if I was going to go that way, I would choose 17:00 as my preferred "morning". It is just that the world doesn't run on my schedule and I am trying to lend to get... involvement.
I did buy something I think I will very much enjoy, the first two seasons of Babylon 5 and one of the made-for-tv shows. This is something me and my last woman enjoyed immensely. She surprised me on this one. I just didn't think she was a sci-fi nut. And, at first, she wasn't. But the characters and writing are good enough that, after a time, if you want, you don't even see anything but... people. The character development is superior. Then again, she is a Star Wars fan, if I think that was about it. She started watching just because I was watching, then got hooked. Hmm... I am thinking I will try to make her Fire a component of my system, then she can watch these too, and have access to my music and books. The only thing I want to ensure is that she doesn't have access, even accidentally or incidentally, to my credit. Teh womenz and teh credit no mixos. :p I watched the first one today, while waking. I couldn't do much else, so... I might watch another. I can still get to swimming as if I had just gotten out of Mass, so that is good enough, since I can't make Mass today.
Another thing... As I wake, in the bigger sense, I am beginning to see things a little more clearly. I have to admit, I have always thought most women were... slow. I mean, intellectually. While not quite, mostly, genius myself, I am several steps above average on the bell curve, for whatever that truly means. I am not bragging to say I am at least 115, though with the heart, exhaustion, other such things, and having good and bad days but mostly bad days, and having been tested up to the 140's, I really don't know. I might test out when I... heal. The odd thing is I can easily deal with men of a lower IQ, and women sometimes. It is just that women often intellectually fumble in our interactions. I finally figured out, perhaps, part of the problem. Women can be sexually... distracted. By me. No, as I said, I am not a handsome devil. It is my size, I must presume, or... something else about me. I actually hadn't considered the former, and I had never really thought the latter was a possibility. Never mind. D.C. and Vox have me nearly convinced that looks aren't a major thing for women, within... some tolerances I presume. Oh, sure, you knew that. I did not, not until I was further awake, and having more interactions with women in the wild. When I was younger it simply didn't matter, I wasn't 'there to analyze 'the fish', just look it over, pick a fine specimen, get her wrapped up, and take her home for consumption', since marriage had been given up on, mostly, after a few ftf's. Yeah, I know, it's just... sort of novel to me. Sorry for being so damned attractive, ladies. :p At least I don't think of you quite as poorly as before. I'm seriously serious. And it does make a huge difference. Well, fine, some of it might just be the size difference. Women do, natively, defer. There is that too, if I am noticing now, dilatations of the eyes in some women, that is how I know. It's also why a woman will try to hide her eyes sometimes, though that can often just be their native... demure, coy, chaste aspects, when they choose to employ those. Just... figuring things out, finally.
I wonder how much else in the world will become more apparent as I wake and interact more? I'm almost afraid to... look. I might have to... reevaluate some of my jokes? Nah. Well, I could actually improve them though. Hey! All is fair in love and war, more so when both are involved, as is the case with women! *grins*
Ah, just in time. I ordered some things from Amazon. Both of the delivery companies were used, and they arrived within minutes of each other, so no worries about packages sitting out all day. I bought a band workout system, for here at home when I can't make the gym for whatever reason, a couple more swimming goggles, as I lost one, the other leaks a bit and I was down to that one and a really old one that leaked back when, a device that makes taking body measurements easy, and a gas mask with several replacement canisters. I think they sent the wrong band system, though. I ordered the 256 (or such) pound system and I am counting just over ~120 pounds of bands. Gah! But they do have a phone number to call. I'll check and make sure I ordered the one I think I did, and if so give them a call. This will be enough to start out, in any case, for off days.
Well, one more in the series, then a shower, then off to swimming. Give it your best shot, good luck.
Cutting off work needs to happen a little earlier.
.
.
In spite of, mostly, working since noon, if losing track from time to time while tinkering on this or that, I am not tired. Then again, it is a sitting job. It was difficult to stop now. It seems that I have "lost" a bunch of cds, or there is a collection somewhere else. In any case, I could easily see the last dozen pages of my cd case. However, I had set it and I kept to the time. That won't work. I need to cut off activities at more like 20:00 I am thinking. Nothing after that save reading or writing. I have set the alarm for 7:00. My goal is to be out of the house by 9:00, heading to the butcher. If I can't make it until 11:00, then I go to Mass. If I am later than that, then I just head to swimming. If it is after 15:00, then I just take the movies and go see my friend. Rather than trying to force something, then not knowing what to do when that fails, I have started making these variable sorts of plans. It looks good on paper, anyway. I have the dvds in my duffle bag, ready to go this time.
I thawed a bowl of my extra-warm chili. I needed something meaty and immediate. Well, that was the plan. It took over an hour to thaw what of it I did get thawed. The middle 1/4 was still frozen, but I was able to scoop out enough of the rest as it is a big main bowl, for a serving sized bowl. It seems to have lost some of the heat, or I am getting a bit more used to the heat. Then again, as hot stuff to my tastes do, I felt like lights where a little brighter. I am not sure if that is a vitamin C hit, or truly a thing from hot foods? No, if it were a vitamin hit, orange juice would do that. Thawing took way *say it together* longer than I thought it would. So, it is almost 1:00 as I prepare for sleep. Tomorrow is looking iffy. I'll do what I can.
Good night.
.
In spite of, mostly, working since noon, if losing track from time to time while tinkering on this or that, I am not tired. Then again, it is a sitting job. It was difficult to stop now. It seems that I have "lost" a bunch of cds, or there is a collection somewhere else. In any case, I could easily see the last dozen pages of my cd case. However, I had set it and I kept to the time. That won't work. I need to cut off activities at more like 20:00 I am thinking. Nothing after that save reading or writing. I have set the alarm for 7:00. My goal is to be out of the house by 9:00, heading to the butcher. If I can't make it until 11:00, then I go to Mass. If I am later than that, then I just head to swimming. If it is after 15:00, then I just take the movies and go see my friend. Rather than trying to force something, then not knowing what to do when that fails, I have started making these variable sorts of plans. It looks good on paper, anyway. I have the dvds in my duffle bag, ready to go this time.
I thawed a bowl of my extra-warm chili. I needed something meaty and immediate. Well, that was the plan. It took over an hour to thaw what of it I did get thawed. The middle 1/4 was still frozen, but I was able to scoop out enough of the rest as it is a big main bowl, for a serving sized bowl. It seems to have lost some of the heat, or I am getting a bit more used to the heat. Then again, as hot stuff to my tastes do, I felt like lights where a little brighter. I am not sure if that is a vitamin C hit, or truly a thing from hot foods? No, if it were a vitamin hit, orange juice would do that. Thawing took way *say it together* longer than I thought it would. So, it is almost 1:00 as I prepare for sleep. Tomorrow is looking iffy. I'll do what I can.
Good night.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
A little self constraint tonight.
.
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Okay, so I lost track and like the hound that can't hear well or otherwise doesn't feel the need to return when the bugle is sounded, I ran that fox through hill and dale, over and under bridges, through logs, along fences, through rivers, and wherever else I... though it might be leading. At least the fox never actually lost me. And I didn't explode my heart from exertion. But I need to... figure that out. So, tonight, I am setting my limit at 22:00, or about another hour and a half, of putting cds in. After that, blogging, reading, whatever. No more caffeine for the night, either. I actually stopped caffeine a couple of hours ago.
The goal is to be up early tomorrow, get a shower and dress, then pick up the pork. After getting that and bringing it home, then make it to Mass, then to swimming, remembering the DVDs to watch with my friend. Finally the last of the day will be spent with my friend, watching movies I don't have to worry about shielding my eyes from, or really hating the stupid dialogue, foolish notions, or just downright evil intent of the writers who try to convince people that evil is just as good as good. I think my friend will enjoy, probably all, of these movies. We might watch one, perhaps two if he wants. Next Friday we could end up watching the last two. After that? I wonder if he has seen The Prince's Bride? I have some old Westerns, too. Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies, perhaps among others. He didn't quite get Fight Club, so I'll choose which movies to take with that in mind. Did I mention that processing the hog was only, I think they said, about $130? For some reason I was thinking it would be nearly double that. All very good.
The frustrating thing is that the speed of the work is extremely limited. Although it is actually much faster than the way it used to be... that is true. The other frustration is that there isn't much else you can do while uploading cds. Ah well, it's coming along, finally. I think I tried to encode cds and movies on my last computer but it kept dying, I kept getting sidetracked on the task, and finally I just gave it up. Then again, I think it took nearly ten minutes per, or more, cd. This is taking probably half that, sometimes less. Still... *ugh*
.
Okay, so I lost track and like the hound that can't hear well or otherwise doesn't feel the need to return when the bugle is sounded, I ran that fox through hill and dale, over and under bridges, through logs, along fences, through rivers, and wherever else I... though it might be leading. At least the fox never actually lost me. And I didn't explode my heart from exertion. But I need to... figure that out. So, tonight, I am setting my limit at 22:00, or about another hour and a half, of putting cds in. After that, blogging, reading, whatever. No more caffeine for the night, either. I actually stopped caffeine a couple of hours ago.
The goal is to be up early tomorrow, get a shower and dress, then pick up the pork. After getting that and bringing it home, then make it to Mass, then to swimming, remembering the DVDs to watch with my friend. Finally the last of the day will be spent with my friend, watching movies I don't have to worry about shielding my eyes from, or really hating the stupid dialogue, foolish notions, or just downright evil intent of the writers who try to convince people that evil is just as good as good. I think my friend will enjoy, probably all, of these movies. We might watch one, perhaps two if he wants. Next Friday we could end up watching the last two. After that? I wonder if he has seen The Prince's Bride? I have some old Westerns, too. Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies, perhaps among others. He didn't quite get Fight Club, so I'll choose which movies to take with that in mind. Did I mention that processing the hog was only, I think they said, about $130? For some reason I was thinking it would be nearly double that. All very good.
The frustrating thing is that the speed of the work is extremely limited. Although it is actually much faster than the way it used to be... that is true. The other frustration is that there isn't much else you can do while uploading cds. Ah well, it's coming along, finally. I think I tried to encode cds and movies on my last computer but it kept dying, I kept getting sidetracked on the task, and finally I just gave it up. Then again, I think it took nearly ten minutes per, or more, cd. This is taking probably half that, sometimes less. Still... *ugh*
Judgment and a 15 degree list to the port?
.
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Every once in a while I receive a... psychic question. I mean, I get the hint that someone is questioning something. Sometimes I just think about things I have seen, heard, said, written, or otherwise have been exposed. In this case, it is a mental thing, from someone exterior to myself, but it got me thinking.
What is judgment, really? Well, there are definitions. You could look it up. You will probably find a number of definitions. You can look at the root of the word and the additions to it, and try to say, if those can be interpreted differently, that those are the 'true' meaning. Or you can just make it up, or depend on what you have seen, heard, and read where the term has been applied. In the end, for me, the term means: to differentiate, and differentiate as pretty much a final answer.
From this, one could say that we cannot judge. But that would be incorrectly applied. While it is true that we cannot judge men, we can definitely judge actions, and more specifically actions taken by men. Actually, whether by law or faith, we would not have either if we did not judge. Sins are easy to see. Did the object that was at this specific place get removed against the wishes of the legal owner? Yes. The only question is, who did it. That is for law to decide. The sin is for the Church. We can, if we see it, know we saw a man sin. We can judge the action. And for bad actions, there are consequences, some consequences are of men, some of God. Although I would like to believe that consequences men impose are mirrors of God's intent. Paying a temporal fee for a sin does lessen, temper, the spiritual price, more so if accompanied by regret and the rest. Now, if you saw a brother pick something up and then think to secret it away, wouldn't you suggest he not, and save a bunch of potential future hassle?
If a man, your brother perhaps, was pouring gasoline on himself, suggesting he was going to light himself on fire because he saw it at YahooTube.cob and it looked neat, what would you do? Would you suggest a.) you have matches and a video camera? b.) suggest you wouldn't mind watching? c.) ask if he has any understanding of the mechanisms involved, check to see he has taken precautions to ensure his safety, then a or b from above, or d.) suggest that this is an unwise, wasteful, dangerous experiment, no matter his precautions, and that he should find some other pursuits if he has that much time on his hands, and at least c if all else fails, if telling him to do it away from you and yorn if he must be foolish would be even wiser? How much more so when it comes to a soul? I can't make people do, or not do, anything. I can ask that they not do, or fail to do, some things around me. I am not willing to pay spiritually, physically, emotionally, or in any other way, for someone who is self-destructive. I don't want to watch a fool burn to death. I don't want him running around lightly my house or outhouses or lawn or vehicle or myself on fire either. If I see him on fire, sure, if I can (not always possible if I don't have something to use) I will try to put him out, call for help, and stay with him. But I don't choose that, and he has sinned against me by bringing that to me, openly, unapologetically. So, yes, I will judge. I will do the the same for sin. Nip it in the bud. And I will ask those who cannot accept God's laws and truths to either keep their failures to themselves, sharing with the priest as is necessary, or to stay the hell away from me. Be it sexual deviance, drug abuse (any but medical use), unwelcome violence. As well, despite that I am sinful, I will keep my indiscretions between myself and my priest, God already knows and He knows I'm on that... as well as I am able... fumblethumbs and willful still that I be. Why is it that people used to know these things and now they simply... don't?
Oh, as to health... Yeah, well, I am doing a LOT better. But I am still a weakling, in many ways. While I have been putting in solid hours, it is disturbing other advances. Right now, my world has finally advanced to nearly perpetual consciousness, save literally when I am asleep. But with the explosion of health comes a primordial goo of creation that I seem to be stuck in as well. Call it a quickening placenta? Something. I don't know if I am quite breathing on my own, or such. But I am closing on that. My whole world is a bit shaky. I thought being better would just be better. Sort of like a baby must think that getting out of the womb HAS to be better. Then he gets out and is IMMEDIATELY hit by the cold, then realizes he has no food, and finally begins to realize... he can't even crawl! He pwn'ed the womb! But this? Well, my life, right now, is either nearing the rebirth or just after. It's ugly, it's gooey, it's wet, it's cold, it's big. Things are starting to come into focus, or is that the light at the end of the tunnel?
If I had to guess, I would say it will take a year and another 10% to 15% heart improvement to actually get out of this stage. Still, it sure beats the stages I just advanced through. I am, truly, about typically human now, by feel and consciousness, if still week as a babe regarding stamina. I can absolutely crush fingers though, so... I just have more drive. Perhaps, waking mostly from a nearly 2.5 decade sleep, the drive I had when I crashed simply remains. Perhaps I have always been much more driven. I can't tell why, only that I am very driven. Where I am supposed to go with that drive is anybody's guess though. I depend on God to show me, for I am blind... I see now.
Still, I can't even be totally displeased with this week. Actually, I have nothing to be displeased about so far. While I can't seem to do things I had planned, I am doing something, things on my list, it is just that they are *lets say this together* taking way more time then I thought. Actually, I have done many things. From several hardware and software tasks, to swimming, to setting up my first swim lesson, to getting my friend needed groceries, to setting up my ipod and learning itunes at least well enough for my current needs, to getting a large portion of my music collection, and ongoing, to a safer place. And I didn't stop because I was tired, bored, hit a break (just did other things when I hit those), or just because I ran out of steam. It's just that, even now, this is a third to a quarter of how well I should be operating. I might not even be on the razor blade between life and death, if I am still certainly far closer to death than life. The path I walk has widened. I might even call it merely a treacherous path now!
Never mind, just... got that strong sense that I should write about defining judgment and the other just sort of crept in. Later.
.
Every once in a while I receive a... psychic question. I mean, I get the hint that someone is questioning something. Sometimes I just think about things I have seen, heard, said, written, or otherwise have been exposed. In this case, it is a mental thing, from someone exterior to myself, but it got me thinking.
What is judgment, really? Well, there are definitions. You could look it up. You will probably find a number of definitions. You can look at the root of the word and the additions to it, and try to say, if those can be interpreted differently, that those are the 'true' meaning. Or you can just make it up, or depend on what you have seen, heard, and read where the term has been applied. In the end, for me, the term means: to differentiate, and differentiate as pretty much a final answer.
From this, one could say that we cannot judge. But that would be incorrectly applied. While it is true that we cannot judge men, we can definitely judge actions, and more specifically actions taken by men. Actually, whether by law or faith, we would not have either if we did not judge. Sins are easy to see. Did the object that was at this specific place get removed against the wishes of the legal owner? Yes. The only question is, who did it. That is for law to decide. The sin is for the Church. We can, if we see it, know we saw a man sin. We can judge the action. And for bad actions, there are consequences, some consequences are of men, some of God. Although I would like to believe that consequences men impose are mirrors of God's intent. Paying a temporal fee for a sin does lessen, temper, the spiritual price, more so if accompanied by regret and the rest. Now, if you saw a brother pick something up and then think to secret it away, wouldn't you suggest he not, and save a bunch of potential future hassle?
If a man, your brother perhaps, was pouring gasoline on himself, suggesting he was going to light himself on fire because he saw it at YahooTube.cob and it looked neat, what would you do? Would you suggest a.) you have matches and a video camera? b.) suggest you wouldn't mind watching? c.) ask if he has any understanding of the mechanisms involved, check to see he has taken precautions to ensure his safety, then a or b from above, or d.) suggest that this is an unwise, wasteful, dangerous experiment, no matter his precautions, and that he should find some other pursuits if he has that much time on his hands, and at least c if all else fails, if telling him to do it away from you and yorn if he must be foolish would be even wiser? How much more so when it comes to a soul? I can't make people do, or not do, anything. I can ask that they not do, or fail to do, some things around me. I am not willing to pay spiritually, physically, emotionally, or in any other way, for someone who is self-destructive. I don't want to watch a fool burn to death. I don't want him running around lightly my house or outhouses or lawn or vehicle or myself on fire either. If I see him on fire, sure, if I can (not always possible if I don't have something to use) I will try to put him out, call for help, and stay with him. But I don't choose that, and he has sinned against me by bringing that to me, openly, unapologetically. So, yes, I will judge. I will do the the same for sin. Nip it in the bud. And I will ask those who cannot accept God's laws and truths to either keep their failures to themselves, sharing with the priest as is necessary, or to stay the hell away from me. Be it sexual deviance, drug abuse (any but medical use), unwelcome violence. As well, despite that I am sinful, I will keep my indiscretions between myself and my priest, God already knows and He knows I'm on that... as well as I am able... fumblethumbs and willful still that I be. Why is it that people used to know these things and now they simply... don't?
Oh, as to health... Yeah, well, I am doing a LOT better. But I am still a weakling, in many ways. While I have been putting in solid hours, it is disturbing other advances. Right now, my world has finally advanced to nearly perpetual consciousness, save literally when I am asleep. But with the explosion of health comes a primordial goo of creation that I seem to be stuck in as well. Call it a quickening placenta? Something. I don't know if I am quite breathing on my own, or such. But I am closing on that. My whole world is a bit shaky. I thought being better would just be better. Sort of like a baby must think that getting out of the womb HAS to be better. Then he gets out and is IMMEDIATELY hit by the cold, then realizes he has no food, and finally begins to realize... he can't even crawl! He pwn'ed the womb! But this? Well, my life, right now, is either nearing the rebirth or just after. It's ugly, it's gooey, it's wet, it's cold, it's big. Things are starting to come into focus, or is that the light at the end of the tunnel?
If I had to guess, I would say it will take a year and another 10% to 15% heart improvement to actually get out of this stage. Still, it sure beats the stages I just advanced through. I am, truly, about typically human now, by feel and consciousness, if still week as a babe regarding stamina. I can absolutely crush fingers though, so... I just have more drive. Perhaps, waking mostly from a nearly 2.5 decade sleep, the drive I had when I crashed simply remains. Perhaps I have always been much more driven. I can't tell why, only that I am very driven. Where I am supposed to go with that drive is anybody's guess though. I depend on God to show me, for I am blind... I see now.
Still, I can't even be totally displeased with this week. Actually, I have nothing to be displeased about so far. While I can't seem to do things I had planned, I am doing something, things on my list, it is just that they are *lets say this together* taking way more time then I thought. Actually, I have done many things. From several hardware and software tasks, to swimming, to setting up my first swim lesson, to getting my friend needed groceries, to setting up my ipod and learning itunes at least well enough for my current needs, to getting a large portion of my music collection, and ongoing, to a safer place. And I didn't stop because I was tired, bored, hit a break (just did other things when I hit those), or just because I ran out of steam. It's just that, even now, this is a third to a quarter of how well I should be operating. I might not even be on the razor blade between life and death, if I am still certainly far closer to death than life. The path I walk has widened. I might even call it merely a treacherous path now!
Never mind, just... got that strong sense that I should write about defining judgment and the other just sort of crept in. Later.
Ta pig, she flies... with lipstick? And another she... is back. Gah!
.
.
Well, maybe not quite. But the hog has been given it's last rights, proper care, and packaging plus a bit of smoking and curing, and is ready for my delicate preparations for final disposal... near final. :p And guess who is back?
Something about sleeping, waking, and working again. Yeah, yeah, okay. I got it. But when I am on something, and seemingly healthy enough to chase it, I do tend to work myself to the bone. At least, going to bed at 5:00... 6:00... 7:00... later? I was up by noon. A phone call sort of got me going, about the pig, lipstick, flying... Don't expect things to make logical sense at some points. I just hope I didn't say anything funny about what was going through my mind, like... if it has wings, can you just hook those up to a battery, and send it to my address? When dreams and real life conversations collide... it is kind of funny. She's still looking at me funny, isn't she? Gah!
I keep uploading cds and keep seeming to get so very few on no matter how fast I work. I have, 123 albums and 1443 "items", uploaded, after about a day and a half to two days in real hour terms, assuming an 8 hour day, I would guess. That is, I think right at a half to a third of what has to go on. I wasn't sure, during the call, if I would be getting up any time soon, so I asked if I could pick up the pork tomorrow. Tomorrow is fine, and I bet Saturday would even be fine. It... isn't going to just walk off. I may try to figure out getting in today, but no promises. Otherwise it will be Saturday. I have too much going on tomorrow and I am psychically stuck on the cds. What was the old lore about throwing down sesame seeds, and a vampire was required to count them? Something.
Oh, right, an old question. And I just answered it actually. In some lore, giants, nephilim, are considered the origins of what we now call vampires. Not because they drank blood, per se, though it was thought they did pretty much whatever they wanted as they couldn't really be easily stopped. (Like the joke, what does a 350 pound canary eat? Whatever it wants!) It was that they were notoriously hard to kill, thus things like the stake through the heart, burning, even thinking holy water or the crucifix would help. None of the latter type of things work, of course, as such are beings of flesh too. Best to, as I have suggested, use a firearm, shoot me a couple of times near where the spine and skull meet, then chop off my head... to be sure. That was before I was forming the notion of the possibility of being a giant more, for those who have an interest in seeing me dead. I only offered that advise to save them and me a lot of trouble, mind you. I'm polite that way. There were other things, like being very private, the sometimes ability to get in regular people's minds, and being... different in other ways. No flying, turning into bats or wolves, or much else truly supernatural. But vampires are from that mythology, and Lilith is the mother of both the children of Cain who bear the mark and nephilim. Two different blood lines, for sure. Not at all... allied blood lines, either. Their is such great enmity between the two that I am surprised their hasn't been all out war. Then again, one is exceedingly plentiful, populating a whole continent(s?) and then some, if that is held as the truth of such, while the others are only coalescing as genetically functional bodies become available, and are relatively rare yet. Such was Lilith though. Divided houses and all seems to be one of her inherent things. Never mind. Just stories for grown children. Boo?
Hmm, no, I won't make it to the butcher today. June, June, June... Please stop? I know, I know... I just... gotta... do this!
Good day.
.
Well, maybe not quite. But the hog has been given it's last rights, proper care, and packaging plus a bit of smoking and curing, and is ready for my delicate preparations for final disposal... near final. :p And guess who is back?
Something about sleeping, waking, and working again. Yeah, yeah, okay. I got it. But when I am on something, and seemingly healthy enough to chase it, I do tend to work myself to the bone. At least, going to bed at 5:00... 6:00... 7:00... later? I was up by noon. A phone call sort of got me going, about the pig, lipstick, flying... Don't expect things to make logical sense at some points. I just hope I didn't say anything funny about what was going through my mind, like... if it has wings, can you just hook those up to a battery, and send it to my address? When dreams and real life conversations collide... it is kind of funny. She's still looking at me funny, isn't she? Gah!
I keep uploading cds and keep seeming to get so very few on no matter how fast I work. I have, 123 albums and 1443 "items", uploaded, after about a day and a half to two days in real hour terms, assuming an 8 hour day, I would guess. That is, I think right at a half to a third of what has to go on. I wasn't sure, during the call, if I would be getting up any time soon, so I asked if I could pick up the pork tomorrow. Tomorrow is fine, and I bet Saturday would even be fine. It... isn't going to just walk off. I may try to figure out getting in today, but no promises. Otherwise it will be Saturday. I have too much going on tomorrow and I am psychically stuck on the cds. What was the old lore about throwing down sesame seeds, and a vampire was required to count them? Something.
Oh, right, an old question. And I just answered it actually. In some lore, giants, nephilim, are considered the origins of what we now call vampires. Not because they drank blood, per se, though it was thought they did pretty much whatever they wanted as they couldn't really be easily stopped. (Like the joke, what does a 350 pound canary eat? Whatever it wants!) It was that they were notoriously hard to kill, thus things like the stake through the heart, burning, even thinking holy water or the crucifix would help. None of the latter type of things work, of course, as such are beings of flesh too. Best to, as I have suggested, use a firearm, shoot me a couple of times near where the spine and skull meet, then chop off my head... to be sure. That was before I was forming the notion of the possibility of being a giant more, for those who have an interest in seeing me dead. I only offered that advise to save them and me a lot of trouble, mind you. I'm polite that way. There were other things, like being very private, the sometimes ability to get in regular people's minds, and being... different in other ways. No flying, turning into bats or wolves, or much else truly supernatural. But vampires are from that mythology, and Lilith is the mother of both the children of Cain who bear the mark and nephilim. Two different blood lines, for sure. Not at all... allied blood lines, either. Their is such great enmity between the two that I am surprised their hasn't been all out war. Then again, one is exceedingly plentiful, populating a whole continent(s?) and then some, if that is held as the truth of such, while the others are only coalescing as genetically functional bodies become available, and are relatively rare yet. Such was Lilith though. Divided houses and all seems to be one of her inherent things. Never mind. Just stories for grown children. Boo?
Hmm, no, I won't make it to the butcher today. June, June, June... Please stop? I know, I know... I just... gotta... do this!
Good day.
Didn't I just get told that I couldn't stay up and...
.
.
Yeah, yeah, I got that. And I just said that I needed to create a platform to prepare for sleep. And I just ignored it all, with my nose in the machine. While I figured this and that out, loaded my ipod, learned a bit about itunes, uploaded a third of my cds now, it is 4:50 and there is no way... So, whatever. I am going to just continue feeding this danged monster until I am out of discs.
On the good side, putting the new battery into the motherboard has brought several other improvements. First, I don't have to remember to reset the time every time I turn on the machine. But before that, I don't have to hit 'f4', then choose to exit setup without making changes, hoping in my sleepiness that I didn't hit anything else and that I hit that button and not the save and close button. I think several other things seem to work better as well. It was difficult getting going on this. It was a loaner, and I guess now a trade, on the machine I took in to be fixed. He wanted the old case, I guess he got it. The insides were busted up, and his attempts to fix something cosmetic that wasn't a problem I had asked him to fix pretty much killed the machine, so... that's just how it goes. Anyway, between exhaustion and waiting, this machine has finally been made fully functional... within it's limits. I also put the other batteries in their perspective components. Finally, on so many things...
I am having to take time, loading the cds though too. The disc player gets really hot. If that weren't an issue... it would still take a lot of time. It's just one of THOSE jobs. Since today is tomorrow, I have a pretty good idea what I will be doing most of the day. Oh, if I didn't mention it, the swimming coach did reply. At the rates, and frequency of sessions, she would be willing to consider I think I can, if just barely, swing it. I hope the V.A. will offer to compensate, but if not I should be able to work on this on my own. Yeah, I'll be scraping bare bottom. But I am hoping lessons will improve my skills quickly enough that I can then join the group class... after a bit of a financial break where I just work the training and enhance capacity. I've let her know when and where I prefer, so I'm hoping to here back, and maybe meet her Friday or something, to seal the deal.
Well, back to feeding this stupid thing. Later.
.
Yeah, yeah, I got that. And I just said that I needed to create a platform to prepare for sleep. And I just ignored it all, with my nose in the machine. While I figured this and that out, loaded my ipod, learned a bit about itunes, uploaded a third of my cds now, it is 4:50 and there is no way... So, whatever. I am going to just continue feeding this danged monster until I am out of discs.
On the good side, putting the new battery into the motherboard has brought several other improvements. First, I don't have to remember to reset the time every time I turn on the machine. But before that, I don't have to hit 'f4', then choose to exit setup without making changes, hoping in my sleepiness that I didn't hit anything else and that I hit that button and not the save and close button. I think several other things seem to work better as well. It was difficult getting going on this. It was a loaner, and I guess now a trade, on the machine I took in to be fixed. He wanted the old case, I guess he got it. The insides were busted up, and his attempts to fix something cosmetic that wasn't a problem I had asked him to fix pretty much killed the machine, so... that's just how it goes. Anyway, between exhaustion and waiting, this machine has finally been made fully functional... within it's limits. I also put the other batteries in their perspective components. Finally, on so many things...
I am having to take time, loading the cds though too. The disc player gets really hot. If that weren't an issue... it would still take a lot of time. It's just one of THOSE jobs. Since today is tomorrow, I have a pretty good idea what I will be doing most of the day. Oh, if I didn't mention it, the swimming coach did reply. At the rates, and frequency of sessions, she would be willing to consider I think I can, if just barely, swing it. I hope the V.A. will offer to compensate, but if not I should be able to work on this on my own. Yeah, I'll be scraping bare bottom. But I am hoping lessons will improve my skills quickly enough that I can then join the group class... after a bit of a financial break where I just work the training and enhance capacity. I've let her know when and where I prefer, so I'm hoping to here back, and maybe meet her Friday or something, to seal the deal.
Well, back to feeding this stupid thing. Later.
That's just rude!
.
.
Right at all night, give or take time for dinner, a very little bit of walking off the strain of sitting, although with a goodly bit of time trying to figure out playlists, which I am still suffering, and some other things. It seems there are often two ways to do anything through itunes, at least. However, if you do things one way, some options close to you. Now, you don't always know you are closing options, mind you. Right now I am trying to figure out how to get a few songs off the damned thing. It seems, unless I wasn't doing it right of course, that if you bulk port a playlist, you then can't remove a song? So, I reset the ipod, as I haven't found a way to get the songs off at all once they are bulk loaded through syncing, now I am trying to load them manually, sort of, from the playlist. Gah! I did end up putting 93 albums into itunes though, and I do have a pretty good setup for the swimming playlist. I am not sure, though, how much more I want to put on the playlist, and I definitely need to tinker with that playlist, and possible another for more relaxed listening... or whatever other things I might consider. The X'ter has a port for an ipod. I may have to see if that works with the shuffle at all, or as I would like it. I have been considering a larger ipod, one that I could use for biking and the X, which carries my whole music library, if I think the sound is worth it. Years out, mind you, I have a few other prep things left... like a wheat grinder.
Update. I figured it all out and the ipod is both set up with the playlist I want, I know how, and have arranged so that I can add and remove songs as I wish. All is golden.
.
Right at all night, give or take time for dinner, a very little bit of walking off the strain of sitting, although with a goodly bit of time trying to figure out playlists, which I am still suffering, and some other things. It seems there are often two ways to do anything through itunes, at least. However, if you do things one way, some options close to you. Now, you don't always know you are closing options, mind you. Right now I am trying to figure out how to get a few songs off the damned thing. It seems, unless I wasn't doing it right of course, that if you bulk port a playlist, you then can't remove a song? So, I reset the ipod, as I haven't found a way to get the songs off at all once they are bulk loaded through syncing, now I am trying to load them manually, sort of, from the playlist. Gah! I did end up putting 93 albums into itunes though, and I do have a pretty good setup for the swimming playlist. I am not sure, though, how much more I want to put on the playlist, and I definitely need to tinker with that playlist, and possible another for more relaxed listening... or whatever other things I might consider. The X'ter has a port for an ipod. I may have to see if that works with the shuffle at all, or as I would like it. I have been considering a larger ipod, one that I could use for biking and the X, which carries my whole music library, if I think the sound is worth it. Years out, mind you, I have a few other prep things left... like a wheat grinder.
Update. I figured it all out and the ipod is both set up with the playlist I want, I know how, and have arranged so that I can add and remove songs as I wish. All is golden.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Maybe not so much?
.
.
I started putting CDs into the external drive as I was preparing, mentally, to get to a few other things. I am pretty much still doing that. I have 54 or 55 CDs uploaded. On the other hand, I thought someone was coming over, if nothing else to watch as I worked on the snow blower. They didn't show up. I lost track and just kept going on the CDs. I thought I would take a little break from that, to create a "swimming" play list. I think it will work, as I add more albums, putting them, I hope, into my "all" folder. If... it does what it is supposed to do and I tell it, or have to tell it how do do that? Huh? Never mind. I will probably figure it all out. That is... a fifth to a seventh of my collection. The drive was getting a little warm, anyway, so a switching of gears was probably advisable. Oh, I have heard that you can also 'crack' or such movies, then upload those to itunes. But with those, you have to obtain free or paid software, figure out what format you want it in then put it on your computer, then upload it. I haven't even decided on a program (or two, as some do not decode newer movies, needing a second add-on program). No, I'll do that later. It is simply good to not have to worry, fully, about losing all of my CDs and DVDs, so it is worth investigating. Just knowing which format to put it in, though, is nerve-wracking.
That means, of course, that the snow blower was not repaired. That will happen, soon. Nor was my home tended. Perhaps this weekend? I guess things take as much time as they take, right? Still, while I am just sitting here, to, I am decidedly not just sitting here. And while this is silly work, to a degree, it is one-time silly work, mostly... once I figure a few things out. While iTunes is great in some ways, it sometimes has the intuitive feel of building a car from scratch, assuming you are a secretary. Urhm, I mean it is as friendly as a feral cat. Or, don't try this at home without a kid present to help, the first time! Never worry, I am both a boy at heart and a techy. Or, becoming one again. Every once in a while, when I have been more fit in these last decades, I have done some... rather technical things. But with memory and such being what it is, or was(?), little of it stuck from this time to the next on to now. But the native interest, curiosity, basic talents, are all still there. This doesn't actually count as techy, mostly.
I was starting to think the girls were... doing odd things in my laundry. My shirt, yesterday, one of those artificial material thermals, was smelling truly terrible. It smelled more of animal than of fear sweat, if that does happen even now from time to time if fading. I changed to a different one and I now believe it is simply that those types of shirts become rank very quickly. It smells like, and I thought maybe the girls had pouted and done so, cat urine. Nope, just synthetics and mostly normal perspiration. Just so you know. At least I know my sniffer still works.
Hmm, back to business. Oh, was interrupted while typing, so tinkered before I remember to finish this. I did figure out how to install just the "swimming" playlist. I have plenty of room for specific songs from the rest of my music too, mostly. It's amazing how much fits on even this little chip of a music player.
(Don't let the picture fool you, the holder must be a midget on top of being a woman. The thing is about equal to the tip of two of my fingers, from the last knuckle to the tip. My thumb completely blots out the center silver piece. And while I am large, for my size I have... I'm almost embarrassed about this... petite hands. It is about as thick as two quarters. It is said to hold 500 songs, though I think that assumes rather short typically pop-songs, if I will know more as soon as I get the rest of my music uploaded.)
.
I started putting CDs into the external drive as I was preparing, mentally, to get to a few other things. I am pretty much still doing that. I have 54 or 55 CDs uploaded. On the other hand, I thought someone was coming over, if nothing else to watch as I worked on the snow blower. They didn't show up. I lost track and just kept going on the CDs. I thought I would take a little break from that, to create a "swimming" play list. I think it will work, as I add more albums, putting them, I hope, into my "all" folder. If... it does what it is supposed to do and I tell it, or have to tell it how do do that? Huh? Never mind. I will probably figure it all out. That is... a fifth to a seventh of my collection. The drive was getting a little warm, anyway, so a switching of gears was probably advisable. Oh, I have heard that you can also 'crack' or such movies, then upload those to itunes. But with those, you have to obtain free or paid software, figure out what format you want it in then put it on your computer, then upload it. I haven't even decided on a program (or two, as some do not decode newer movies, needing a second add-on program). No, I'll do that later. It is simply good to not have to worry, fully, about losing all of my CDs and DVDs, so it is worth investigating. Just knowing which format to put it in, though, is nerve-wracking.
That means, of course, that the snow blower was not repaired. That will happen, soon. Nor was my home tended. Perhaps this weekend? I guess things take as much time as they take, right? Still, while I am just sitting here, to, I am decidedly not just sitting here. And while this is silly work, to a degree, it is one-time silly work, mostly... once I figure a few things out. While iTunes is great in some ways, it sometimes has the intuitive feel of building a car from scratch, assuming you are a secretary. Urhm, I mean it is as friendly as a feral cat. Or, don't try this at home without a kid present to help, the first time! Never worry, I am both a boy at heart and a techy. Or, becoming one again. Every once in a while, when I have been more fit in these last decades, I have done some... rather technical things. But with memory and such being what it is, or was(?), little of it stuck from this time to the next on to now. But the native interest, curiosity, basic talents, are all still there. This doesn't actually count as techy, mostly.
I was starting to think the girls were... doing odd things in my laundry. My shirt, yesterday, one of those artificial material thermals, was smelling truly terrible. It smelled more of animal than of fear sweat, if that does happen even now from time to time if fading. I changed to a different one and I now believe it is simply that those types of shirts become rank very quickly. It smells like, and I thought maybe the girls had pouted and done so, cat urine. Nope, just synthetics and mostly normal perspiration. Just so you know. At least I know my sniffer still works.
Hmm, back to business. Oh, was interrupted while typing, so tinkered before I remember to finish this. I did figure out how to install just the "swimming" playlist. I have plenty of room for specific songs from the rest of my music too, mostly. It's amazing how much fits on even this little chip of a music player.
Okay, I am pushing things.
.
.
I need to learn how, and when, to begin backing down for the day. While I can run a good, and hot, 18 hour day, maybe more, I will not stop. I have no breaks on my "machine". After decades of pushing every chance I got because that was the only way to even get a bit of this and that done, now that the world is opening up, I don't have breaks. I never needed them! I usually do enough that I could possibly be worn out by it, especially on swim days. But that isn't enough. There has to be a 'work shoulder', some period of time where work, and thinking (other than maybe reading or a mild post), and passion must be set aside. I don't like the notion of television, I don't like where the crafters of such lead people's minds. I'll figure something out. My guess is somewhere between 17:00 and 19:00 I have to knock things off.
While I didn't stay up until 4:00 or later, I did stay up later, again. That isn't necessarily a problem, but with the sort of long day and heavy output it was this time. I woke late too, again. I couldn't sleep well. Tossing and rolling and trying every trick I could remember. Sleep simply would not arrive. As I said, I need a soft, then softening, landing of body and mind to ease me into that. I may need a bit more physical, as well, during the day. To be honest, house cleaning and my pet projects might be enough, physically, on my non-exercise days. Just an hour or two of this, then a few hours of that, two or three sessions a day, but regularly. It is a matter of getting in the habit. I am still not sure how much I can honestly handle. I am so used to, pretty much, living in a deep freeze where everything could be exhausting so I had to push when a window was available.
In other words, I didn't get to housecleaning this morning, barely making it out of bed in time to see the morning. I will be working on the snow blower shortly, in any case. And I do hope to get back in, after, take a break, then hit my home a bit. The laundry will be gathered, taken back, and then sorted. At least one load will probably make it through, maybe two. Dishes need to be sorted, and I'll wash at least one load, soaking the rest. And a lot of picking up and straightening needs to occur. If I can just pick up trash and empty waste bins, that will be a start. Oh, and I ended up tinkering last night. I was a little high on my various successes. But the swim yesterday was beautiful, and that did surprise me. So, I never did get to trying the dvd player, let alone uploading my music. That can be what I do during my breaks.
Ah, well, I'm... still rather pleased with what is going forward. But today, I need to try and tire myself, then begin learning to relax for sleep. How do you even hit the break? Is their a psychic button, is it a mental lever, or is it supposed to be automatic? I... honestly don't know!
Later.
.
I need to learn how, and when, to begin backing down for the day. While I can run a good, and hot, 18 hour day, maybe more, I will not stop. I have no breaks on my "machine". After decades of pushing every chance I got because that was the only way to even get a bit of this and that done, now that the world is opening up, I don't have breaks. I never needed them! I usually do enough that I could possibly be worn out by it, especially on swim days. But that isn't enough. There has to be a 'work shoulder', some period of time where work, and thinking (other than maybe reading or a mild post), and passion must be set aside. I don't like the notion of television, I don't like where the crafters of such lead people's minds. I'll figure something out. My guess is somewhere between 17:00 and 19:00 I have to knock things off.
While I didn't stay up until 4:00 or later, I did stay up later, again. That isn't necessarily a problem, but with the sort of long day and heavy output it was this time. I woke late too, again. I couldn't sleep well. Tossing and rolling and trying every trick I could remember. Sleep simply would not arrive. As I said, I need a soft, then softening, landing of body and mind to ease me into that. I may need a bit more physical, as well, during the day. To be honest, house cleaning and my pet projects might be enough, physically, on my non-exercise days. Just an hour or two of this, then a few hours of that, two or three sessions a day, but regularly. It is a matter of getting in the habit. I am still not sure how much I can honestly handle. I am so used to, pretty much, living in a deep freeze where everything could be exhausting so I had to push when a window was available.
In other words, I didn't get to housecleaning this morning, barely making it out of bed in time to see the morning. I will be working on the snow blower shortly, in any case. And I do hope to get back in, after, take a break, then hit my home a bit. The laundry will be gathered, taken back, and then sorted. At least one load will probably make it through, maybe two. Dishes need to be sorted, and I'll wash at least one load, soaking the rest. And a lot of picking up and straightening needs to occur. If I can just pick up trash and empty waste bins, that will be a start. Oh, and I ended up tinkering last night. I was a little high on my various successes. But the swim yesterday was beautiful, and that did surprise me. So, I never did get to trying the dvd player, let alone uploading my music. That can be what I do during my breaks.
Ah, well, I'm... still rather pleased with what is going forward. But today, I need to try and tire myself, then begin learning to relax for sleep. How do you even hit the break? Is their a psychic button, is it a mental lever, or is it supposed to be automatic? I... honestly don't know!
Later.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
That was a fantastic day.
.
.
Sure, a day late. Yes, I missed Mass. Then I got busy. First, to the pool.
I was a little unsure. It has been a while since I swam. The thing is, I think I am still nuclear from the swimming I have done. I mean, I am still physically jacked, and possibly still, somehow, growing from that. I'm telling you, my body just isn't normal... or maybe that is normal to be still hot a week and a half later? Never mind, the point is... I was shaking in my boots a bit. All went smoothly, getting in, changed, and to the pool. I had to wait a bit for a lane to open, which was fine. It gave me a bit of time to get the ipod going. Finally, a lane opened. *splash*
I did really well. I hit it like a hound on the trail. If you are an audiophile, be prepared to be disappointed. I don't think it is the greatest sounding device to begin with, but with your ears going under water then out, plus water getting into the ear canal, it can be a bit rough. But for me, they were beautiful! I absolutely loved it. My one worry with it is how long will it last? It's pretty pricey for a disposable. I've heard they last a year or two, and on to three or four years. Now, there is a water-tight case, which you could double up the longevity. The real problem with that is the case is pretty pricey too, and I am not sure how long an ipod really lasts, in any case? I'm thinking. However, if I had to say something about them, I would equate them to a mechanical (sound is mechanical you know) Ritalin. A woman was walking from my end of the pool toward the exit, beside my (outside) lane. She was walking at about a normal pace and had 15 feet on me. I had just gotten back from a lap, but I wanted to see if I could keep up with her. Actually, I was catching her, for a while. She must have seen Jaws, though, and had a flashback from it. She picked up the pace the last 15 to 20 feet. *grin* "Oh my!" I had to have been swimming three miles an hour, then maybe four. But when she got to five, she lost me. Should have seen the two hogs in her gunny sack fighting back and fourth to get her out the door though! *oink, oink* (No, she wasn't fat, well, save that she is a woman, and that's where bacon goes, thankfully... a larder? :p )
Oh, I had a blast in the pool. I really put some heavy work into it, and feel great for it. The music kept me up, so rests were shorter. While I didn't get the most distance ever, I would guess I got some of my best times in. It just felt good to be back in the pool. For an old, mostly dead, guy, I think I am doing some serious swimming. I haven't heard anything back from the coach. So, who knows with that. Probably saw doomd forev and that was that? Ah well. I can't remember the password for my... copacetic email.
I then headed to Lowe's, and picked up what I think is a slightly shorter belt. I skipped the lights, for now, just didn't want to mess with that today. I then headed to Best Buy, turned in the memory and exchanged it for an external disc drive. Nothing fancy, but they were out of their cheapos so not the cheapest either. Which, actually, is where I usually shop anyway, that price range. The nice thing is, when this computer dies, I'm not out anything save the required memory. That should work swell. Finally, I headed to Walmart, for the batteries, some groceries, and this and that. I remembered to call my friend. He still needed eggs and a gallon of milk did sound good, so I got and delivered that.
That, my friends, is a successful day. Actually, the culmination of several good functional days. I keep missing Mass, but I'm still working on it. I still have a problem or three with sleep, but I am able to pull back, give or take, for the first time in decades. I am gaining control. I am getting stronger. I am getting faster. I am getting smarter. I am staying with tasks. I am... pleased.
Let me see, tomorrow? Actually yet today... I am hoping this cd player just simply plugs and plays. If so, I will be uploading, or something, my CDs to iTunes. If I get that done, and there is time, I will begin loading my ipod with a much more precise song list. Tomorrow I am hoping to dig into my house in the morning, then work on the snow blower in the afternoon. Thursday will be a day off. Though if I have made progress on my home, I may do little things here and there to top that off. Friday, another swim day. Plus I told my friend I would bring a movie. Actually, I'll be taking Screamers, Riddick trilogy, and Unbreakable. He should find something he likes, though I am hoping he likes Screamers. It's... my top flick.
Beautiful.
Later.
.
Sure, a day late. Yes, I missed Mass. Then I got busy. First, to the pool.
I was a little unsure. It has been a while since I swam. The thing is, I think I am still nuclear from the swimming I have done. I mean, I am still physically jacked, and possibly still, somehow, growing from that. I'm telling you, my body just isn't normal... or maybe that is normal to be still hot a week and a half later? Never mind, the point is... I was shaking in my boots a bit. All went smoothly, getting in, changed, and to the pool. I had to wait a bit for a lane to open, which was fine. It gave me a bit of time to get the ipod going. Finally, a lane opened. *splash*
I did really well. I hit it like a hound on the trail. If you are an audiophile, be prepared to be disappointed. I don't think it is the greatest sounding device to begin with, but with your ears going under water then out, plus water getting into the ear canal, it can be a bit rough. But for me, they were beautiful! I absolutely loved it. My one worry with it is how long will it last? It's pretty pricey for a disposable. I've heard they last a year or two, and on to three or four years. Now, there is a water-tight case, which you could double up the longevity. The real problem with that is the case is pretty pricey too, and I am not sure how long an ipod really lasts, in any case? I'm thinking. However, if I had to say something about them, I would equate them to a mechanical (sound is mechanical you know) Ritalin. A woman was walking from my end of the pool toward the exit, beside my (outside) lane. She was walking at about a normal pace and had 15 feet on me. I had just gotten back from a lap, but I wanted to see if I could keep up with her. Actually, I was catching her, for a while. She must have seen Jaws, though, and had a flashback from it. She picked up the pace the last 15 to 20 feet. *grin* "Oh my!" I had to have been swimming three miles an hour, then maybe four. But when she got to five, she lost me. Should have seen the two hogs in her gunny sack fighting back and fourth to get her out the door though! *oink, oink* (No, she wasn't fat, well, save that she is a woman, and that's where bacon goes, thankfully... a larder? :p )
Oh, I had a blast in the pool. I really put some heavy work into it, and feel great for it. The music kept me up, so rests were shorter. While I didn't get the most distance ever, I would guess I got some of my best times in. It just felt good to be back in the pool. For an old, mostly dead, guy, I think I am doing some serious swimming. I haven't heard anything back from the coach. So, who knows with that. Probably saw doomd forev and that was that? Ah well. I can't remember the password for my... copacetic email.
I then headed to Lowe's, and picked up what I think is a slightly shorter belt. I skipped the lights, for now, just didn't want to mess with that today. I then headed to Best Buy, turned in the memory and exchanged it for an external disc drive. Nothing fancy, but they were out of their cheapos so not the cheapest either. Which, actually, is where I usually shop anyway, that price range. The nice thing is, when this computer dies, I'm not out anything save the required memory. That should work swell. Finally, I headed to Walmart, for the batteries, some groceries, and this and that. I remembered to call my friend. He still needed eggs and a gallon of milk did sound good, so I got and delivered that.
That, my friends, is a successful day. Actually, the culmination of several good functional days. I keep missing Mass, but I'm still working on it. I still have a problem or three with sleep, but I am able to pull back, give or take, for the first time in decades. I am gaining control. I am getting stronger. I am getting faster. I am getting smarter. I am staying with tasks. I am... pleased.
Let me see, tomorrow? Actually yet today... I am hoping this cd player just simply plugs and plays. If so, I will be uploading, or something, my CDs to iTunes. If I get that done, and there is time, I will begin loading my ipod with a much more precise song list. Tomorrow I am hoping to dig into my house in the morning, then work on the snow blower in the afternoon. Thursday will be a day off. Though if I have made progress on my home, I may do little things here and there to top that off. Friday, another swim day. Plus I told my friend I would bring a movie. Actually, I'll be taking Screamers, Riddick trilogy, and Unbreakable. He should find something he likes, though I am hoping he likes Screamers. It's... my top flick.
Beautiful.
Later.
Ah well.
.
.
I did get my cloud from Amazon transfered to iTunes. I then loaded my ipod with everything from iTunes. I even learned how to craft my play list for the ipod. I even did it and was to bed by midnight, which in theory should have seen me to an early rise. As is, I was not out of bed until right at 10:00. I had the alarm set for 7:00, reset it for 9:00 when I finally was able to shake out of the covers, and as I said didn't actually rise until 10:00. Further, my butt was, and is, dragging. There was no way for me to make it to Mass on time. I will simply go swimming and keep trying to fit Mass in. My guess is I was still a bit jacked about having worked through so many little and big problems! I simply could not get to sleep last night to save my life. I... can be excitable, if you might not know it from just looking.
No, no worries. I simply could not fall asleep. It will happen and there probably isn't a whole lot I can do about it. Sometimes I will be able to work through it and get up anyway, sometimes not so much. I still have a bundle of things to do. Swimming, first, with a functional ipod. Then to several stores. I will probably take the extra memory back, use that to partially finance a new cd player. Then to another store for batteries, and I will call my friend and see if he needs eggs still and maybe milk? Then on to the hardware store to look at the belts again and maybe pick up two more light fixtures and bulbs.
I did shoot off an email last night, to one of the swimming coaches, the one that had been recommended. Look, I am not going to be a model student. I am working around a health issue the size of a house. But, I won't be a crisis waiting to happen, either. And, as hard as I swim, I really do need guidance before I injure my shoulders. As well, having a coach means I can ask for advice when I get so dang tight. I just hope she isn't into static stretches. I was hoping to have an email back, but not so far.
I still need to do even a bit more waking up. I won't say I am pleased, perfectly. But I won't jump on my butt either. I have been hitting things pretty hard and doing a pretty good job of a few fine little messes. I am keeping up on my projects, and getting in more than I would have thought possible. I hit breaks, and get to them the next possible chance I get. And while something often gets forgotten or overlooked, it does eventually and relatively quickly get amended too. I just won't, can't, let a few dropped eggs cause me to beat my chest, lament, and tear my clothes! Especially while, when I am out, I get 20-somethings to 40-somethings flirting with me hellaciously. 'Dang butterfly... da-dang... fluttering eyelashes.' (Who coulda said that? Bueller? Bueller?)
Well, a few things, then a shower, then into the drink. Good day!
.
I did get my cloud from Amazon transfered to iTunes. I then loaded my ipod with everything from iTunes. I even learned how to craft my play list for the ipod. I even did it and was to bed by midnight, which in theory should have seen me to an early rise. As is, I was not out of bed until right at 10:00. I had the alarm set for 7:00, reset it for 9:00 when I finally was able to shake out of the covers, and as I said didn't actually rise until 10:00. Further, my butt was, and is, dragging. There was no way for me to make it to Mass on time. I will simply go swimming and keep trying to fit Mass in. My guess is I was still a bit jacked about having worked through so many little and big problems! I simply could not get to sleep last night to save my life. I... can be excitable, if you might not know it from just looking.
I did shoot off an email last night, to one of the swimming coaches, the one that had been recommended. Look, I am not going to be a model student. I am working around a health issue the size of a house. But, I won't be a crisis waiting to happen, either. And, as hard as I swim, I really do need guidance before I injure my shoulders. As well, having a coach means I can ask for advice when I get so dang tight. I just hope she isn't into static stretches. I was hoping to have an email back, but not so far.
I still need to do even a bit more waking up. I won't say I am pleased, perfectly. But I won't jump on my butt either. I have been hitting things pretty hard and doing a pretty good job of a few fine little messes. I am keeping up on my projects, and getting in more than I would have thought possible. I hit breaks, and get to them the next possible chance I get. And while something often gets forgotten or overlooked, it does eventually and relatively quickly get amended too. I just won't, can't, let a few dropped eggs cause me to beat my chest, lament, and tear my clothes! Especially while, when I am out, I get 20-somethings to 40-somethings flirting with me hellaciously. 'Dang butterfly... da-dang... fluttering eyelashes.' (Who coulda said that? Bueller? Bueller?)
Well, a few things, then a shower, then into the drink. Good day!
Monday, February 4, 2013
Tinkering as fast as I can.
.
.
I bought a couple of CDs, then figured out how to hook up my iPod. I learned how to put the whole CDs I bought onto the iPod, but not quite yet how to transfer just a few songs, or how to remove the songs I don't want. I think I see how and where to do it, I am simply not sure if that will cause problems with what I have on their site. I fear erasing my purchases, or somehow making them difficult to gather well or easily in the future. I hate instructions that tell you how to do something without indicating how to undo it, or what the full implications might be. Imagine have a little placard near a button. All that is written on the mini marquee is "push here". Would YOU just push it? Most instructions are based on people who would simply do what they are told to do. Fortunately or not, I am not one of those people. I'm still working out the details.
It has been fun, sort of. For years, these types of projects would have lingered for... well... weeks, months, years, even never being completed. And even when I got on them, at breaks, they would just stop. Sometimes I would never get back to them, other times I might work until the next break. Breaks consist of hitting a wall that I can't immediately fix. I have hit another wall in part of the project. But that will be amended tomorrow. The CD drive will not open. My guess is it is just old. I don't know if they can really rust shut, literally, if that might be possible. It is more likely that the door motor has burned out. So, tomorrow, to look for another CD drive, and those batteries, on top of Mass and swimming. But I think I can. Oh... right... I best get a different belt too. I will take the one I have in, or the package, and get one that is just a bit shorter. After I finish the iTunes thing, the snow blower will be finished. And when I have the right belts, I will get an extra of each next month.
You know, I worked much of the night and a good part of the day figuring this thing out. It's not much, for many of you, but for me that is mentally akin to my swimming. None of what I am doing is terribly impressive, on it's own. But given context... it is the world that I have on my shoulders. Little men, little worlds. I'm loving it. I sure hope to find the strengths for bigger worlds, much bigger worlds. Though too, may these be... personal sized. We don't get that choice though. Not always. Meh, I'll take what I was made to take. It is sweet, though! This part of it. Oh, I will be trying to find the contact information for the swimming coach, and making contact tonight. Just a query, at this point, regarding costs and expectations, plus giving some information, so I know, and perhaps can relay pertinent facts to a potential contributor.
Well, a bit more tinkering, an email hopefully, and then on to bed. I have a very busy day in front of me tomorrow. Good night.
Update: I did figure out how to perfect the iPod play list. I also pulled down the cd's and single from Amazon, and have those on my computer and on iTunes as well. I will put some of those onto the iPod so that it will have a bit of variety for tomorrow's swim! The CD player will simply have to be replaced before I can get the rest of my collection into iTunes, and maybe into Amazon. With both clouds activated and complete I have a much wider variety of devices through which to access all of my music. All fun and games until someone stays up too late and rubs and eyeball out. I'll make this quick or finish it in the morning, 7:00 comes early and 8:00 if necessary isn't much better. :p Good night, again, for sure.
.
I bought a couple of CDs, then figured out how to hook up my iPod. I learned how to put the whole CDs I bought onto the iPod, but not quite yet how to transfer just a few songs, or how to remove the songs I don't want. I think I see how and where to do it, I am simply not sure if that will cause problems with what I have on their site. I fear erasing my purchases, or somehow making them difficult to gather well or easily in the future. I hate instructions that tell you how to do something without indicating how to undo it, or what the full implications might be. Imagine have a little placard near a button. All that is written on the mini marquee is "push here". Would YOU just push it? Most instructions are based on people who would simply do what they are told to do. Fortunately or not, I am not one of those people. I'm still working out the details.
It has been fun, sort of. For years, these types of projects would have lingered for... well... weeks, months, years, even never being completed. And even when I got on them, at breaks, they would just stop. Sometimes I would never get back to them, other times I might work until the next break. Breaks consist of hitting a wall that I can't immediately fix. I have hit another wall in part of the project. But that will be amended tomorrow. The CD drive will not open. My guess is it is just old. I don't know if they can really rust shut, literally, if that might be possible. It is more likely that the door motor has burned out. So, tomorrow, to look for another CD drive, and those batteries, on top of Mass and swimming. But I think I can. Oh... right... I best get a different belt too. I will take the one I have in, or the package, and get one that is just a bit shorter. After I finish the iTunes thing, the snow blower will be finished. And when I have the right belts, I will get an extra of each next month.
You know, I worked much of the night and a good part of the day figuring this thing out. It's not much, for many of you, but for me that is mentally akin to my swimming. None of what I am doing is terribly impressive, on it's own. But given context... it is the world that I have on my shoulders. Little men, little worlds. I'm loving it. I sure hope to find the strengths for bigger worlds, much bigger worlds. Though too, may these be... personal sized. We don't get that choice though. Not always. Meh, I'll take what I was made to take. It is sweet, though! This part of it. Oh, I will be trying to find the contact information for the swimming coach, and making contact tonight. Just a query, at this point, regarding costs and expectations, plus giving some information, so I know, and perhaps can relay pertinent facts to a potential contributor.
Well, a bit more tinkering, an email hopefully, and then on to bed. I have a very busy day in front of me tomorrow. Good night.
Update: I did figure out how to perfect the iPod play list. I also pulled down the cd's and single from Amazon, and have those on my computer and on iTunes as well. I will put some of those onto the iPod so that it will have a bit of variety for tomorrow's swim! The CD player will simply have to be replaced before I can get the rest of my collection into iTunes, and maybe into Amazon. With both clouds activated and complete I have a much wider variety of devices through which to access all of my music. All fun and games until someone stays up too late and rubs and eyeball out. I'll make this quick or finish it in the morning, 7:00 comes early and 8:00 if necessary isn't much better. :p Good night, again, for sure.
Eureka!
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.
Okay, an hour or two more digging, tinkering, checking updates, looking over this and that. I kept checking the iStore, to see if anything had changed. Then again, I never did find a problem. Finally, in pure frustration, I simply clicked on one of the empty spots I was supposed to fill in and started typing. There was no indication that the box was active, no blinking cursor or any other type of hint. As I typed, my name showed up! Gah! Okay, whatever. So, I filled out the required boxes and sent it in, then did the email confirmation dance, and voila, I now have iTunes and access to the iStore. *sigh* Even when it is easy, it just doesn't seem like it.
Now I need to figure out how to upload what I have on CDs, cross over what I purchased at Amazon, and then load my iPod, and... that should be that. How long have I been trying to get this done? Didn't I suspect it was a memory issue long ago? I knew XP wasn't updating (in part due to the clock issue, which is battery driven, which I still haven't replaced (if that is in the works), but just as likely it was choking on too little memory as well). The thing is, when I am deep in illness, knowing, or much worse, suspecting, is almost worthless. Those things are like shadows in a cave, at night, from a fire... no form or certainty, even direction can be misleading. I can't drive my body to get to things, and more I can't drive my mind to believe or risk trying. With mind, body, and spirit all on a higher phase, and two of those most likely to be climbing nearly vertically until I plateau, with the latter being very strong (if prone to hiccups still), the future looks bright. Plus, the sun is shining today.
Well, on to my... tasks. Perhaps I will have my iPad loaded and ready for my swim tomorrow. Hmm, while I am thinking about that I do believe I will get it plugged into one of the USB ports. While I now think this is all possible, I have no idea how much real time it will take. I am not even going to venture a guess. Not... even... going there!
Later.
.
Okay, an hour or two more digging, tinkering, checking updates, looking over this and that. I kept checking the iStore, to see if anything had changed. Then again, I never did find a problem. Finally, in pure frustration, I simply clicked on one of the empty spots I was supposed to fill in and started typing. There was no indication that the box was active, no blinking cursor or any other type of hint. As I typed, my name showed up! Gah! Okay, whatever. So, I filled out the required boxes and sent it in, then did the email confirmation dance, and voila, I now have iTunes and access to the iStore. *sigh* Even when it is easy, it just doesn't seem like it.
Now I need to figure out how to upload what I have on CDs, cross over what I purchased at Amazon, and then load my iPod, and... that should be that. How long have I been trying to get this done? Didn't I suspect it was a memory issue long ago? I knew XP wasn't updating (in part due to the clock issue, which is battery driven, which I still haven't replaced (if that is in the works), but just as likely it was choking on too little memory as well). The thing is, when I am deep in illness, knowing, or much worse, suspecting, is almost worthless. Those things are like shadows in a cave, at night, from a fire... no form or certainty, even direction can be misleading. I can't drive my body to get to things, and more I can't drive my mind to believe or risk trying. With mind, body, and spirit all on a higher phase, and two of those most likely to be climbing nearly vertically until I plateau, with the latter being very strong (if prone to hiccups still), the future looks bright. Plus, the sun is shining today.
Well, on to my... tasks. Perhaps I will have my iPad loaded and ready for my swim tomorrow. Hmm, while I am thinking about that I do believe I will get it plugged into one of the USB ports. While I now think this is all possible, I have no idea how much real time it will take. I am not even going to venture a guess. Not... even... going there!
Later.
So, you mean I really can't stay up after 4:00 and still expect a normal day?
.
.
Well, okay, I probably knew that. Don't look at me like that. Gah! I'll just... figure out tomorrow, I suppose. Stop with that, would ya?
On the good side, I can now sign in to Blogger normally, the sign-in link is back on my blog. As well, it looks like the machine is fully updated. I checked that again this morning, though I will probably check it again tomorrow morning. Plus, I have been able to install, and run, iTunes. I just ran into a problem actually signing into the store, creating an account that is. One thing at a time. I will do a bit more tinkering to see about that part of things. Yeah, yeah, I have said it before, but... I am pretty sure I will make it in to swim tomorrow. This isn't quite what happened last week, there was a real one time cause, if I... probably suspected even then that it wouldn't work, and after having proved (mostly) to myself that I can turn back the clock in order to wake... I have some real confidence in tomorrow. Since I won't be going in, I will be figuring out iTunes... if that is possible. Oh, I could still get in for swimming today. The thing is that I missed Mass. I am choking on gas costs as is, so I can't honestly expect to add another day of driving into town. I do have to be frugal. I honestly don't understand how people can afford to drive to work, own a home (renting is just as bad, sometimes more expensive), have a family, and all that, on my income. Then again, I'm not even now awake and aware enough in life in general to really understand budgeting and such. If that will probably never be my forte most likely, either.
Then again, I got home pretty late, with the delay and all. Further, I wouldn't have been able to sleep until at least 2:00. It always takes me time to come down, always. At least for now. I am amazed to see some of the transformations happening in my life. I don't quite know if I will ever truly have my life back, but then I am not sure I lived a typical life in the Navy. I certainly don't remember it fully. And teen years aren't a normal life either. I have simply never lived a normal life. I suppose I will be making that up as I go along, but with the new parameters of age and health conditions as my consciousness breaches the surface from such deep dark depths? I'll... figure something out.
Sleep was wonderful! I did enjoy the company yesterday. And while I consider the game a total waste, to include commercials, such is what is offered to Confucius' wisdom. I am definitely feeling better than last week. I am doing better than ever before, and I am still doing bits and parts of my various plans. I won't complain, and there really is tomorrow this time. If I still can't get that picture of June out of my head. My women, from mother to sisters to domestic ladies I have known have all had a very special mock-fu that... can get to me even when I have thought they were wrong. But when they are right, it... is truly a humbling thing. Gah! Just like when I work with women, I don't do the work. I let them do most of it, just offering guidance. Women aren't rookies on this score, themselves. This is an example of a woman just... guiding the stroke to split the log, letting the weight of the axe, me, do the work. It's... still funny. If you ought to be careful how you express your notion of their notions on these things.
Something about dobermans with lipstick? Yeah, well. That can be fun too, just make sure to... sort of be ready. You never can tell which time she will laugh with you, do something totally unexpected, or... begin the above. The above has it's uses, but at the wrong times can just hinder all activity, progress, and such, right as you are late and trying to get out the door to a social event together or such. Gah! Not later, NOW, mister... or some such... I remember hearing. *grins*
Well, back to iTunes... Later, and good day.
.
On the good side, I can now sign in to Blogger normally, the sign-in link is back on my blog. As well, it looks like the machine is fully updated. I checked that again this morning, though I will probably check it again tomorrow morning. Plus, I have been able to install, and run, iTunes. I just ran into a problem actually signing into the store, creating an account that is. One thing at a time. I will do a bit more tinkering to see about that part of things. Yeah, yeah, I have said it before, but... I am pretty sure I will make it in to swim tomorrow. This isn't quite what happened last week, there was a real one time cause, if I... probably suspected even then that it wouldn't work, and after having proved (mostly) to myself that I can turn back the clock in order to wake... I have some real confidence in tomorrow. Since I won't be going in, I will be figuring out iTunes... if that is possible. Oh, I could still get in for swimming today. The thing is that I missed Mass. I am choking on gas costs as is, so I can't honestly expect to add another day of driving into town. I do have to be frugal. I honestly don't understand how people can afford to drive to work, own a home (renting is just as bad, sometimes more expensive), have a family, and all that, on my income. Then again, I'm not even now awake and aware enough in life in general to really understand budgeting and such. If that will probably never be my forte most likely, either.
Then again, I got home pretty late, with the delay and all. Further, I wouldn't have been able to sleep until at least 2:00. It always takes me time to come down, always. At least for now. I am amazed to see some of the transformations happening in my life. I don't quite know if I will ever truly have my life back, but then I am not sure I lived a typical life in the Navy. I certainly don't remember it fully. And teen years aren't a normal life either. I have simply never lived a normal life. I suppose I will be making that up as I go along, but with the new parameters of age and health conditions as my consciousness breaches the surface from such deep dark depths? I'll... figure something out.
Sleep was wonderful! I did enjoy the company yesterday. And while I consider the game a total waste, to include commercials, such is what is offered to Confucius' wisdom. I am definitely feeling better than last week. I am doing better than ever before, and I am still doing bits and parts of my various plans. I won't complain, and there really is tomorrow this time. If I still can't get that picture of June out of my head. My women, from mother to sisters to domestic ladies I have known have all had a very special mock-fu that... can get to me even when I have thought they were wrong. But when they are right, it... is truly a humbling thing. Gah! Just like when I work with women, I don't do the work. I let them do most of it, just offering guidance. Women aren't rookies on this score, themselves. This is an example of a woman just... guiding the stroke to split the log, letting the weight of the axe, me, do the work. It's... still funny. If you ought to be careful how you express your notion of their notions on these things.
Well, back to iTunes... Later, and good day.
Troubleshooting? Well... okay.
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.
While the added memory, so far, has not proven to allow me to add iTunes, it may have allowed other things which might end up allowing for iTunes? A quick search lead to a number of steps, including emptying the temp file and making sure XP was fully updated. Now, I can't swear either of those will help, but... at least I feel like I am doing something. Now, emptying the temp file was easy enough. I had never done it before, to my memory. Another quick search and that was done. Then, on to updating XP. The last few times I tried updating I was rebuffed, out of hand, without a reason given. This time, Windows updater wanted me to set the calendar. Well, that was... somewhat hopeful. With the battery dead in this machine, it has been stuck on 2002 for a long time. I set that and tried again. Bingo. First, XP 3.5 was installed. I had to then restart the machine. But first I removed everything Apple had installed. A restart, then I wanted to see if there were any additional XP critical updates. Well, just... 63! So, okay, that is choking through the system. I am guessing between too little memory and the date being off, Windows Updater just didn't want to even start with the machine the last dozen times I have tried. *chugging away* Then again, even after these are downloaded and installed I need to check Updater at least one more time, until it indicates no more updates, then again tomorrow to make sure.
After that, one more shot at downloading iTunes and installing. If that fails, bedtime. I will just work on it another time. I should be in bed now, but... I just... had to... try a few things. I hate having spent three times the normal amount for an iPod and not have it available. Plus, having found out how easy it is to install my CD collection, on top of the new stuff I bought from Amazon (probably, unless that requires an iPod touch?!), I really want to get this thing going. Still, this will mean I will set the alarm for a little later, but I will push to be out of bed, showered, dressed, and on my way in time for Mass. I think there is still time, if barely.
I honestly wish I could just push through, and wake at a normal(izing) time, but my health simply isn't strong enough quite yet to burn the candle at both ends. I may be pushing things as is. I have already missed a week of swimming and I simply can't do that again. If I miss Mass, I am sure I can still make swimming. Perhaps I could go in Tuesday though. I really need to begin hitting Mass. Three steps forward, one, two, maybe even three back. Just... more in the positive direction, less in the negative direction, and I will eventually get somewhere.
I'll let you know tomorrow if my efforts were successful. That would make the stretch worthy. And it would mean I would possibly have a loaded waterproof iPod in the pool with me by Friday! Yes, music helps.
Good night.
.
While the added memory, so far, has not proven to allow me to add iTunes, it may have allowed other things which might end up allowing for iTunes? A quick search lead to a number of steps, including emptying the temp file and making sure XP was fully updated. Now, I can't swear either of those will help, but... at least I feel like I am doing something. Now, emptying the temp file was easy enough. I had never done it before, to my memory. Another quick search and that was done. Then, on to updating XP. The last few times I tried updating I was rebuffed, out of hand, without a reason given. This time, Windows updater wanted me to set the calendar. Well, that was... somewhat hopeful. With the battery dead in this machine, it has been stuck on 2002 for a long time. I set that and tried again. Bingo. First, XP 3.5 was installed. I had to then restart the machine. But first I removed everything Apple had installed. A restart, then I wanted to see if there were any additional XP critical updates. Well, just... 63! So, okay, that is choking through the system. I am guessing between too little memory and the date being off, Windows Updater just didn't want to even start with the machine the last dozen times I have tried. *chugging away* Then again, even after these are downloaded and installed I need to check Updater at least one more time, until it indicates no more updates, then again tomorrow to make sure.
After that, one more shot at downloading iTunes and installing. If that fails, bedtime. I will just work on it another time. I should be in bed now, but... I just... had to... try a few things. I hate having spent three times the normal amount for an iPod and not have it available. Plus, having found out how easy it is to install my CD collection, on top of the new stuff I bought from Amazon (probably, unless that requires an iPod touch?!), I really want to get this thing going. Still, this will mean I will set the alarm for a little later, but I will push to be out of bed, showered, dressed, and on my way in time for Mass. I think there is still time, if barely.
I honestly wish I could just push through, and wake at a normal(izing) time, but my health simply isn't strong enough quite yet to burn the candle at both ends. I may be pushing things as is. I have already missed a week of swimming and I simply can't do that again. If I miss Mass, I am sure I can still make swimming. Perhaps I could go in Tuesday though. I really need to begin hitting Mass. Three steps forward, one, two, maybe even three back. Just... more in the positive direction, less in the negative direction, and I will eventually get somewhere.
I'll let you know tomorrow if my efforts were successful. That would make the stretch worthy. And it would mean I would possibly have a loaded waterproof iPod in the pool with me by Friday! Yes, music helps.
Good night.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Now I remember why I stopped watching the super bowl.
.
.
That was the most halfassed attempt at entertainment I have seen in longer than I can remember. First one team played stupid, then the other. That looked more phony than All Star Wrestling, more staged than even a King boxing match, and as about as legitimate as most women's tears. You know, they could do away with steroids and just have them do skits about football? Sad. And people paid how much to go to that game, just for tickets? I don't care if those athletes might be serious. That they don't play a part in whether their teams win or lose makes the point irrelevant. I put it right up there with Cowboys & Aliens, where it most righteously belongs. I was, initially, for the 49'ers. After they couldn't complete a single first and ten, then debacled their way through the first half with nary a thought to the game... By the first quarter, give or take three minutes, I didn't care who won as long as the game would eventually be over. Tag it, bag it, and toss it out with the trash. I will hold my nose and do the Confucius thing (so long as it doesn't cost me), but the game is dead to me.
I did get more memory for the machine. I simply pulled the old memory. I bought two 1 mb chips, though will likely be taking one back ($51 for 1 mb dmr? bleh). The extra memory is not allowing iTunes to work, either. So... I simply don't know what the problem is. I have XP, with S.P. 3 installed. With the memory being the only problem obviously viable, I have no idea what else could be the problem? Gah! I am beginning to simply hate Apple. If I want music while swimming, though, that is my only really decent option. While picking up the chips, I checked on batteries, the ones I didn't buy the other day. Best Buy no longer carries those type of batteries. Whatever, tomorrow at Walmart I suppose.
Done for the day... Now to chill enough to sleep so I can get up at a decent hour for Mass and a swim. Good night.
.
That was the most halfassed attempt at entertainment I have seen in longer than I can remember. First one team played stupid, then the other. That looked more phony than All Star Wrestling, more staged than even a King boxing match, and as about as legitimate as most women's tears. You know, they could do away with steroids and just have them do skits about football? Sad. And people paid how much to go to that game, just for tickets? I don't care if those athletes might be serious. That they don't play a part in whether their teams win or lose makes the point irrelevant. I put it right up there with Cowboys & Aliens, where it most righteously belongs. I was, initially, for the 49'ers. After they couldn't complete a single first and ten, then debacled their way through the first half with nary a thought to the game... By the first quarter, give or take three minutes, I didn't care who won as long as the game would eventually be over. Tag it, bag it, and toss it out with the trash. I will hold my nose and do the Confucius thing (so long as it doesn't cost me), but the game is dead to me.
I did get more memory for the machine. I simply pulled the old memory. I bought two 1 mb chips, though will likely be taking one back ($51 for 1 mb dmr? bleh). The extra memory is not allowing iTunes to work, either. So... I simply don't know what the problem is. I have XP, with S.P. 3 installed. With the memory being the only problem obviously viable, I have no idea what else could be the problem? Gah! I am beginning to simply hate Apple. If I want music while swimming, though, that is my only really decent option. While picking up the chips, I checked on batteries, the ones I didn't buy the other day. Best Buy no longer carries those type of batteries. Whatever, tomorrow at Walmart I suppose.
Done for the day... Now to chill enough to sleep so I can get up at a decent hour for Mass and a swim. Good night.
Howdy, neighbor.
.
.
I couldn't get to sleep before midnight, again. I set the alarm for 7:00 again anyway. I heard the alarm going off, though for how long I can't be certain. Time is tricky as I wake. Sometimes what seems like a few minutes can have been hours, sometimes while it seemed like the alarm had been sounding for hours it had only been sounding for a few minutes. I mean that literally, I never know until I am awake, for real, in real life. In this case all the hubbub seemed to have been about 17 minutes. I wanted to sleep more, so I got up and reset the alarm for 8:00 then went back to bed. I tossed. I rolled. Sleep was not going to happen, so I simply got up about ten minutes later. I am very pleased with this morning.
My elbows and forearms are killing me, for some reason. I've probably been sitting in the chair too often, leaning on the arm rests? But... I always do a great deal of that. I never can figure out why I become tender or vulnerable at times. Things just don't always add up. I wonder if, and this would still be true, my heart has to give blood here, but not there, then over there but not here, and so on, so that I always have parts of my body that are not getting enough, and sometimes for too long? I am honestly amazed my organs haven't seized, as hard as these things can be, literally painful... even without resting on things as my arms do. Organs can just hurt in there.
I have decided to, before my next V.A. visit, email the swimming coach and ask what her expectations are as a coach (how often she expects to train me, say, per month), explain my particulars and see how that could or would fit (she wants people she is training to swim three times a week, which may not be possible for me, at least immediately, among other things), and clarify a few other details. While it is beyond my means, I am wondering if the V.A. might help. But if I don't have some clarity for them, they won't have enough information on which to base an answer as to funding. The answer, most likely, is no. But I would rather have a clean 'no' than a, 'we don't know, what is involved' delaying no. I really could end up hurting my shoulders though, I can see that even now. It'll take a while, but a while isn't... all that long.
A bit of this and that this morning, as I prepare to head off to watch the super bowl. Nothing big, just maybe a little bit of straightening... or not. I hate housework sometimes. Gah! At least I am awake, and going. Two days in a row. Now to make it three days plus a swim, and throw in Mass for good measure. Later.
.
I couldn't get to sleep before midnight, again. I set the alarm for 7:00 again anyway. I heard the alarm going off, though for how long I can't be certain. Time is tricky as I wake. Sometimes what seems like a few minutes can have been hours, sometimes while it seemed like the alarm had been sounding for hours it had only been sounding for a few minutes. I mean that literally, I never know until I am awake, for real, in real life. In this case all the hubbub seemed to have been about 17 minutes. I wanted to sleep more, so I got up and reset the alarm for 8:00 then went back to bed. I tossed. I rolled. Sleep was not going to happen, so I simply got up about ten minutes later. I am very pleased with this morning.
My elbows and forearms are killing me, for some reason. I've probably been sitting in the chair too often, leaning on the arm rests? But... I always do a great deal of that. I never can figure out why I become tender or vulnerable at times. Things just don't always add up. I wonder if, and this would still be true, my heart has to give blood here, but not there, then over there but not here, and so on, so that I always have parts of my body that are not getting enough, and sometimes for too long? I am honestly amazed my organs haven't seized, as hard as these things can be, literally painful... even without resting on things as my arms do. Organs can just hurt in there.
I have decided to, before my next V.A. visit, email the swimming coach and ask what her expectations are as a coach (how often she expects to train me, say, per month), explain my particulars and see how that could or would fit (she wants people she is training to swim three times a week, which may not be possible for me, at least immediately, among other things), and clarify a few other details. While it is beyond my means, I am wondering if the V.A. might help. But if I don't have some clarity for them, they won't have enough information on which to base an answer as to funding. The answer, most likely, is no. But I would rather have a clean 'no' than a, 'we don't know, what is involved' delaying no. I really could end up hurting my shoulders though, I can see that even now. It'll take a while, but a while isn't... all that long.
A bit of this and that this morning, as I prepare to head off to watch the super bowl. Nothing big, just maybe a little bit of straightening... or not. I hate housework sometimes. Gah! At least I am awake, and going. Two days in a row. Now to make it three days plus a swim, and throw in Mass for good measure. Later.
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