Tired?

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I doubt if you have ever hit the depths of that.  Imagine being so tired that listening to music hurts.  Mild, rock, metal, alt, religious, doesn't matter.  Hurts.  I'm not even sure how it can hurt.  Some sort of overload.  I can listen today, mostly.  Short episodes, one song at a time really, milder tunes, lower volume.  Yeah.  I could still rip a bear in half, that's never a problem.  Actually, when I am that backed into a corner I am probably even more terrible.

Medicine.  What it does, what happens when it is missed, as it is being started again.  My life is a brutal thing sometimes.  Thankfully I generally don't take it out on anyone.  Then again, it's not like I could get to it.  Someone would have to start it.  Yeah, I could probably finish it, wouldn't even notice until I got better.

I'm nearing doing better.  But it might be touch and go for a few days to weeks.  And then I'll be upping the dose, so...  Still, I will be trying to get to more as I can.  I might or might not have the ability.  I love the testing.  I love trying the nearly impossible.  Even if I fail, the effort... it's wonderful.

Oh, you know... I have been hungry for oyster for a very long time, and good sea food, fish of some sort.  I may order just that, before long.  Though I want to make sure I can get to the store and have the extras I'll want.  Lemon, perhaps what I need to make various sauces, to see what I like with it.  I do have a shucking knife, but I'd like to have a second on, of a different sort, on hand.

They are sold by the 5 dozen, or more, in groups or additions of 5's.  I am absolutely certain I could eat 5 dozen, probably 10 dozen.  The latter would be a lot of shucking though?  Don't know.  I've eaten them by the multiple tray before but I have never prepared them.  Not this month, I want to store up.  Maybe next month.  I'd offer them out, but I'm not sure how much that really is.  While the shell might be 3" to 4" inches, the meats are small.  And I don't know anyone who likes them.  Next month?  Maybe.  I can order them so that they will arrive.  Though I may hold off, maybe for several months.  It's a fairly pricey meal.  Might look around for other price offerings.  Though if you mess with prices too much, you can end up getting bargained to death.  Seafood is crazy wicked when it goes bad, especially if that is somehow hidden.

Later.

Yes, medicine.

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I'm still going to be taking it slow for a while.  Hitting that heart juice straight up is tough.  I'm feeling a bit more awake, not any more active though.  Gabbing, watching the episodes... it's something.  Passing time.  My day is slipping further into the night.  At 7:15 or so, I will be taking my medicine and watching the last of an episode as I turn my thoughts to bed.

Good night and day.

So very tired.

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It does seem colder.  Some of it, most of it really, is probably medication.  Skipping it, missing it, when just starting, can really cause energy problems.  Then again, it's tough to start this stuff.  It slows the heart down, keeps it from beating so fast.  Which... has a use.  But has a heavy cost.  Amazing stuff, terribly potent, even for one of my kind.  Actually, when even at my level, missing a few days can, often does, kill.  Yeah, THAT nasty.

Why it doesn't kill this or that one?  Or even some of us seemingly at all?  Anyway, I am sure hoping that getting back on it will get me back, and that I can keep on it.  Sometimes I can do well off it, in the last half a decade.  But on it, if I can balance, I can really do much better.  Never will I be full speed again.  I can be, perhaps, quarter to half speed though.

I want to crash, and may.  More of a nap than a sleep, probably.  Taking "night" medicines when I wake.  Then, if I can, doing dishes and some laundry.  So tired.  Hmm... a bit more viewing, then on to a nap most likely.  Good day... night, for your part.

Oh, ouch, right. Right?

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I fell of medication.  And... I don't know.  Was that the whole problem?  Cold arrived, or returned, I think.  Or was that simply a sensation from falling off medication?  Nothing has been right, or even wrong.  Everything just went away for a bit.  I have been sleeping, and then awake, watching those series, gabbing, blogging(?).  Numb, though.  I remember little.  No pain, just... nothing, mostly.

Empty spaces be-

tween drops known as time.

I can know nothing.

I am not back, not fully.  I am merely aware of where I am, or when?  Or... a bit of what I am?  Something.  As well, I have decided to pick a direction, or destination, and make my way as I am able.  It might sound silly.  If so, you have simply never been to the void, to forever, to never, to tomorrow and yesterday at the same time.  In time I do believe you will learn of that which I speak.  Perhaps not until you, in repose, near death.  Women know this place more often, before that time, but not all women.  For them it is fear, fragility, uncertainty, and/or their part in the reproductive.  That part for them is of a pain near to death and is a place alone.  Other women may understand, literally bear sympathy, but each woman has to know it alone, in her time.  The men who see these places have know death or war or better both.  Why I know it I can't say, only that I know it better than most, far more deeply.  It is almost home.  God says I have things to do yet, and I have agreed to be his beggar servant.  And, so, I only visit home from time to time.

Medicine was restarted tonight.  I hope to use the weekend to get sorted back into place.  I reset medicines for the next month, while at it.  I will reset the first medicine dispenser as soon as it runs dry, and set it up for a full dose of carvedilol.  Yes, just being on that leads me to home.  If I can stay on it, for long enough, and don't let them talk me into taking more, I can return to this place, land my feet on the ground, and get back to things in shorter order.  Those medicines are messy.  I'll do what I can though.

Dishes, I hope, tonight.  Maybe a bit of laundry.  A shower.  If I can do this, the rest of the weekend will be finishing laundry.  If so, and if medicine doesn't blot me out as the lack of it has, perhaps I can begin in the kitchen, bathroom, and main bedroom this coming week.  Ugh...  UgH...  UGH!?!  I'll... keep at it.  Good evening.

Not as planned.

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I went shopping, yesterday, instead of cleaning.  All good.  I was out of a number of things.  More, I simply wanted a few things.  Milk is no longer a daily, but when I haven't had it in a while I get a serious thirst for it.  Cream is good, as well, and sorely missed.  A bit in cream, mixed with milk in oatmeal or other hot grain cereal, or for oyster stew or even tomato soup.  Little things.  Though some things of necessity, toilet paper, paper towels, cat food, were also on the list.  Getting out and just the act of shopping, too.

While at it, I ordered a meal from Wendy's.  That is nearly the last fast food joint I will visit.  The only thing, at the moment, I don't like, is their pickles.  But I ask for those not to be added and that is that.  I have learned, finally, to allow the cheese.  I was an odd kid, hated that kind of cheese as a kid.  It didn't, and still doesn't, taste... right.  Still, from time to time, I allow for it.  I suppose it matches the meat these days, at burger joints?  Anyway, just... something free, easy, and hot.

I have restarted Penny Dreadful from the start.  It is making a difference.  I think, when I jumped in, I didn't have background and that was necessary.  It is still more directed at the female mind, and so a bit dull for me.  Still, it's... a bit better and I will continue.  I also started watching Dexter.  That is... more along my lines.  While I am not, to my mind, such a sort as Dexter on a basic level, on a "professional" level, or survival level... within some constraints... we do have some... commonality.  For some, in certain conditions, I have absolutely no care.  Which, as I have pointed out, can make me a friend you'd rather not have.  But an absolute friend in deed.  The price of that friendship might be living with what has been done to allow for you to keep breathing.  I used to think it, or that potential, whole evil.  Then... I learned.  God does, sometimes, call for the destruction of cities, even whole peoples.  Men, or some men, are not capable.  Angles are not always able, either, due to... my kind.  So?  So he calls on those of my kind who can and will, in His name.  Sin eaters... or slayers along my lines.  Not sure I believe sin eaters as anything more than a doubled corruption, a false path that only leads two, and more, to hell.  A sin slayer, yes.  Though, unlike Dexter, I... must suffer those things or find no path, chance, to heaven.  Still, I do have some understanding of this character.  And, actually, they are portraying him well, so far, as I see.  I have known a few.  Oddly, they have feared me, in spite of mostly being fearless beings.  They know me like I know them, and they do fear me.  A terrible thing, especially for one who must know guilt.  Guilt is a great gift, honor, for one of my kind.  Only God could grant that, if I did have to accept it.  A price for a great potential gift.

Oh, right.  Just... saying.  I'll try to hit some of the projects today.  Dishes, maybe the bedding... Ugh.  It's a rough day.  Good day.

Wonderful.

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Headache.  Wouch.  Did I push it a bit yesterday?  Did I sleep wrong?  It is, actually, an unusual sort of headache.  Something is pinched on the left lower side of my neck.  All at one point.  Which causes muscles to bunch from there out, mostly up and down but a bit side to side.  Exquisite, really.  The headache isn't too bad.  And it is purely mechanical.  I may take some painkillers and then go back in, lie down, sleep if I can, and that should fix it.  Usually does anyway.

Quite a bit of work yesterday, given all.  I have no such plans for as much today.  The dishes once more, rinsed, and up.  And any remaining dishes collected by not started.  The bedding washed, dried, and put up.  When I am awake fully for the day I will strip the bed and turn the mattress, standing it perhaps to let it air dry.  Hmm... could powder it with baking soda/powder (one of them) as well, then vacuum that off when I go to make the bed.  Perhaps a bit more laundry.  That will be that, mostly.

Tomorrow?  Cleaning the bathroom and kitchen, or starting in on it.  As well, perhaps, beginning in on the main bedroom again should I have more energy for work.  The rest of the week will be devoted to various such projects.  The rest of the month will be to those projects, along with sorting things to toss.  Next month I hope to rent a dumpster and begin getting rid of things, many things.  If I can afford it.  I have no idea what sort of cost is involved.  It may be prohibitive.  In any case, I want much ready to go, and be in a shape to rip through all that remains.  I only want it for the minimum amount of time.  Two or three loads should easily do it, perhaps less.

Oh, looks like I did finally get the trash and recycling right.  Then again, sometimes everyone else just looks out, and if some fool (me in this case) got it wrong, well?  I definitely take my turn in that.  Though they didn't pick up last week, so... maybe?  :P  If not, sorry, neighbors!  I do my best but generally, on some things, know not.  :)

I'll work on Gab a bit, while I let the painpills begin, then I'll crash for another hour.  I was awake rather late, sleeping only seven to eight hours actually.  Yes, my 'days' are getting longer is the deal.  Spring.  Love it or hate it...  At least my sleep is more regulated these last years, mostly.  When they are both out of sync is when it gets messy.  Good day.

Not bad.

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I made the list but I didn't think I'd get to it, not all of it.  I did those things and more.  I am rather bushed.  Need to chill before going to bed.  More Penny Dreadful... which somehow I started on the 3rd season.  Back to the beginning.  And, if that is too dull as with the rest of it, I'll take breaks and work on re-following those who follow me.  I'm nearing 3k, which is less than half.  My button pressing mojo is about burned out.  Still, as I can.

Tomorrow?  Dishes, another shower, laundry, new sheets on the bed and all the old bedding washed as well.  Ugh.  I'd like to do shopping, not sure I'll have what it takes.  Though bringing the trash and recycling bins in would be good.  No one else has theirs out, but maybe it was because it was snowing earlier and there was some concern they might be struck by a plow.  Snowing has stopped and the plow has been through, so... should be good.  Though maybe pickup day has changed?  I'll check when I wake tomorrow.

Good night.

Yeah, getting there.

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I was able to do all of the dishes once, put a load of laundry through the wash while folding two older loads.  I also un-followed ~22k accounts on Gab, and have put about ~2k of my followers back as followed.  I have about ~4.8k left to follow again.  Well, actually, there were ~415 people/accounts I was following that Gab wouldn't let me remove.  They just didn't show up in the queue.  Not sure what is up with that, though electronic artifacts and glitches are realities with computers.

I am tired, too tired I think to do too much more.  The only things I really want to make sure to do before sleeping is to reset the dishes to a second soapy soak and to put he wash in the dryer and and hand dry the washer.  Actually I would like to eat something.  I just don't think there is anything easy enough to munch.  I have a chunk of gouda cheese, but nothing to go with it.  Crackers, at least, though salami or a pear would be perfect.  Yeah, I need to do some shopping.

Oh, I will get the trash and recycling to the curb as well.  It's all out, or enough of it.  Bleh.  Good night.

More.

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Small work orders, as some might call them.  Laundry is nearly ready to start.  I just want to check for any other stashes, find a few more laundry baskets, then sort what should be washed first.  I won't do the bedding tonight.  I will find new sheets for tomorrow or soon, and be ready to change that out.  I want to do that on a day when I can do all of the bedding and blankets at once.  I need some clothes sooner than later, so that is priority.

I have most of the remaining dishes soaking.  I hope to wash all of it at least once yet tonight.  There isn't all that much, just more than any two batches up to this point, maybe three.  It's... a bit more work than I have been able to do in this most recent start.  I set up medicine for the next few days and started it.  I missed yesterday, I think.  The goal, too, with that, is to reset a month of medicine tonight or tomorrow.  The only thing I might end up adding is the last doubling of carvedilol.  Though maybe not.  I am not quite ready to double, and don't think I will be for a bit.  It's tough stuff to dose.  Doubling is a bear.  If nothing else, I want to attempt to get the house back in some sort of shape, and enjoy some time doing better before diving into double dosage.  On the good side, that will be as high as I go.  This next titration is it... if I can maintain medicine.

I finished Sparicus and am starting on a new series, Penny Dreadful.  So far it's... mostly mush.  I hope it improves, the notion has promise.  Though, sometimes, when you have too many leads it is too difficult to do any of them justice.  The pacing is very slow.  Perhaps it will improve.  Though, if it is aimed at women, it... won't.  Watching television is difficult at best.  But when the target group is women, it is truly dreadful.  Between that and work, I am also resetting my followers/following list on Gab.  I was following 22k and only had 6.4k followers.  So... I am dumping all that I am following and will reselect those who are following me.  I seem to be losing some, along the way, even though they aren't supposed to be able to tell I am unfollowing.  Oh well.  Just had to scratch that itch.

Well... back to a bit of viewing.  Later.

A slow start.

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The dishes I had set up were finished last night.  Most of the trash was collected and the cat litter emptied and reset, that all taken out to the bin.  A few other odds and ends as well.  This "morning" a shower, much needed.  As well, I started reviewing laundry.  I am hoping to do some laundry yet today, and change the bedding and do that as well.  Further, more dishes will be set up.  The snow is off the drive.  I never did get to it.  God did it this time, vicariously through nature of course.  All good.

I didn't sleep until well after 5:00, perhaps after 6:00.  I think I was awake by 13:00, or very shortly after.  Sleep was good though.  Wake time is just slipping, might just be more sunlight, or longer hours of what there is, and a warming world.  I'm simply sensitive to... pretty much everything.  Probably just a medical thing.  I have learned, and have become better at, using time when it is available, as I can, rather that trying to push for days then work.  I'll do my best.

Ah... as weather improves, as soon as I think snow is gone for good, I will begin researching a large dumpster in order to clean out the cave.  As well, next time I am in town I will begin searching for a heavy duty paper shredder.  Those two things may quickly see my house to some much greater order.  If it gets cleaned down to the bone, having domestic help once in a while might be reasonably affordable.  I just have to get to that point.  Life is so much better when things are clean and neat.

Good day.

Definitely a late rise.

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My cycle is slowly shifting again.  It was a bit after 11:00, I think, when I finally woke.  I didn't go to bed until well after 3:00, so it makes sense.  Why the drift?  Dunno.  Just happens.  Not sure it is just illness.  I think anyone, left to their own devices, without demand put on them, would drift in their schedule.  Now, illness makes it so that putting demand on me isn't possible, but there are other things that might do such.

I sometimes question the modern life.  Time requirements are a very strange thing.  They haven't been a part of man's life, to some degree, for most of our history.  There were seasons of work... seeding and harvesting, moving livestock from grazing area to grazing area... and better times for hunting or gathering specific foods.  Though daylight was pretty much the limits.  Even with fire, taking a torch out was to leave people and go into an unknown for little purpose... only ever a risk taken for a reward known, and rarely.

Men didn't even have time pieces until in the hundreds of years ago. And I think those became a curse, binding men to a new sort of slavery.  And with lights to make the night useful, navigable, natural sleep was intruded upon as well.  Dawn to dusk, at the most, should be a mans effort and life.  Sleep outside of those boundaries, unencumbered sleep not subject to all sorts of noises.  Even here, a bit in the boonies, never an hour passes without a vehicle hurtling by at speeds unheard of until last century.  Yeah, even 40 mph is fast, and much noise is created to attain such speed... in historical comparisons.

Progress?  Really?  It might be the reality so that more can be born and live.  Certainly to make that as sustainable as it has been for centuries now.  I think they got to such levels many times.  But without continuous advances in many technologies, forms of government that could be tolerated by the people, and religions that were just or attempted that, all civilizations fell.  Before machines, slavery was required, a system that could never be just and was always one major war for slave acquisition away from collapse.  We are blessed, if all blessings come with the potential for curses.  Poisoning our world, machines still not being able to do enough, and yet people failing for the extra... and Elites who think they no longer need us at all.  Enemies of new sorts all around.

No, not a post offering hopelessness.  Just a comparison of the problems from the past with those we have today.  Never has life been easy.  Never has it been without great toils and tribulations, dangers hidden around every corner.  Elites have always hungered for the lash, power, dominion, and cruelty.  The masses always able to stampede if not outright revolt.  The costs and duties of life, top to bottom and between has always been dear.

Anyway...  I have things to do.  Dishes, laundry, a shower.  Maybe some cleaning.  Who knows what will happen.  I feel rested, mostly, and nearly ready to dig in.  I have been doing small bits and pieces.  I am hoping to do more, and maybe a lot more, sooner or later.  Good day.

Tomorrow.

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Brothers

King makers

Kinslayers

Timekillers

Yesterday, Today, Title

More, perhaps.  No less.

Coyote

You will always know

me, as you always have.  A

fall before last spring.

Raven

First of the four, lost

or finder.  None here may know.

Spring of last winter.

Fox

With me, winter white,

and hell.  The ridden and the 

follower.  Brother.

Anubis

In land of plenty, 

hunger to the bone.  Black horse,

the final winter.

Business.

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I set up a payment so as to be caught up with my home payment.  Then went through three different departments to attempt to have my insurance company brought up to date on the status of my home loan.  They aren't doing that until the 17th, even though they could fax it.  I contacted my insurance company and let them know that I have again made the request they have asked me to make, and given them the timeline I was given.  I can't do more.  That is that for that.  I will shortly be filling out an automatic payment form, of which I have five copies now.  I will probably have to make at least one more manual payment, next month, but without fees if online.  Then it should be back to autopay.  Should, no certainty with this company.  I'll know about insurance later this month.

Now I am trying to mess with the phone.  They say there isn't an outage in the area.  They tried a reset, but to point that has failed.  I think I will just call them back and cancel this phone.  I don't trust them, at all, for several reasons, at this point.  I need to find a real phone company that isn't as much of a problem as a solution, and isn't working against Americans and our rights with the government and big biz.  Yeah... out.  If I can get someone on the phone.  They will probably be trying to hide from direct contact for this very reason.  Might have to stop in at their shop on Monday.  It's hidden, but... there.

Next?  A few dishes, a shower, and... who knows.  It is very good to have enough money to do some grocery shopping.  I hope to do that soon.  And I'll need to make an appointment with my doctor, but next month.  I simply want to hold off on expenses until I have more money stored up.  I hate being at zero.  I still have a few other business processes, but it's too late in the week and day.  I'll... get there.

Good day.

Ah-ha!  I got the phone removed.  Since it was under 30 days there will be minimal costs.  The phone never did work, the reset never went through, and I don't... trust the company.  Well, and I never did get a clear answer as to whether the phone was unlisted or not.  Still, the operator was good to work with, clear, and knowledgeable.  One more thing off my list.

Up late again.

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I just didn't hit it until about 1:30.  Sam wasn't going to let me sleep in, for whatever reason.  She has been working to wake me since... 6:00ish?  I woke a bit before 8:00.  Not sure what will happen if I see my shadow, if it looks like six weeks of sleep isn't in the cards.

Sneezing the last few days.  Turning the heat up helps but isn't quite the full answer.  Just that time of year.  I don't really have allergies.  Perhaps it's just the volume of pollen or when the world is particularly dry?  No worries.  Sometimes the girls and I both have the problem at nearly the same time.  Sometimes not.  That might be due to height differences.  Yeah, there might be more or less pollen or dryness at our various levels.  It's the story I am going with.

No good or bad dreams the last few nights, none remembered.  All good.  Sometimes I get a hint that bad dreams are on the way.  I was all but certain.  I was dreading, fearing.  It's actually why I wasn't able to get to bed on time the last few nights.  So far so good.  Sometimes those serve a purpose, grinding gears to shift more fully back to life at a better pace.  Sometimes all it does is hurts.  Either way I have become terribly gunshy.

Hmm?  Oh, either back to bed for a bit or not.  I'll make up my mind shortly.  Good morning and day.

Internet taxation.

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It is now a reality in Utah.  And?  And it means I am going to stop buying things.  I had been using amazon.  But without the incentive, I will just save that money and put it elsewhere.  Probably a good thing anyway.  It was a convenient way to buy a few luxuries, wants, or even needs in larger quantities.  The added benefit was no (direct) tax.  All the business taxes paid were coming out of my pocket already.  When a company, like amazon, pays 39%, and the companies they do business with... the manufacturers... pay 39%, and... who knows who else... then I end up paying a lot in taxes.  Those company use my money to pay those taxes.  Get it yet?

Rather than buying other things, I'll find some more beneficial to me ways of burying cash.  It isn't much... a few hundred dollars a month... just spending money.  They can't blame me.  It was their choice.  Every greedy grab for money will be dealt with as I would with any thief.  I am tired of having them everywhere and always with a gun on their hip and a hand in my pocket.  Hell, I'm a ward of the state and they are still at it.  There are very simple consequences to some things.  I hope others join in just abandoning the markets and finding ways to store wealth more surely.  The state and fed obviously have no clue what they are doing with the filthy lucre they are stealing.  Drunken sailors have better plans, at least in serving their wants and needs on a personal level.

I hope, too, that amazon feels the sting as people simple back away from the method.  Let the state and big business war over dwindling returns and a disinterest by the population in being shorn as if sheep, when not out-right sacrificed.  I've done my part.  I've been betrayed at every step by those who were supposed to help.  I'm only alive because their failures ended up being a double or quad negative upon negative, and I had the will to move through suffering.  I won't let them take more, now.  A pox upon both their houses.  May they fall to plundering each other.  Done.

Awake again.

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It seems that six weeks of sleep is not in the cards.  I have been up for a while now, actually, hours... two, three perhaps.  That early wake has gotten me a bit off track though, as did the late night.  Fine, I'll work with it.

The goal today is to finish off the dishes set to soaks at various stages, get a shower, and figure out what I want to do with laundry and begin there.  Oh, I probably need to cancel my phone.  It hasn't worked since I ordered it.  I am holding off business with the mortgage until I am sure my ssa check is in this month.  I think I have paperwork with that to be fixed and remitted.  I can, I believe, handle the costs of mortgage no matter what, but what else I might have to negotiate beyond that is... another thing.  So, I wait to see so as to plan.

Still a bit stiff.  I think it's actually from the dream the other night.  Where I am sore is not from stooping to do dishes.  What a strange dream.  Oh, I should probably finish shoveling snow.  It has been melting a bit, day by day.  Even so, I should remove the last of it.

I'd better get meat thawed and create a minor list and a major list, so I'll be ready for grocery shopping whichever way my income is set this month.  What a bother lately.  Good day.

Woke early.

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Too early.  To bed at midnight, a bit of a glitch.  Woke at five.

Saw shadow.

Six more weeks of sleep!  Later.

Bits of work.

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Three or four sets of dishes, not all to completion though some.  Washing, rewashing as necessary, rinsing, and drying if I got to that point.  Several meals tended, and keeping those dishes and pans in the work effort.  Not a great day, some things done.  More tomorrow.  Just dishes.  No laundry or shoveling.  I seem to have repaired from the damage caused in the dream.  Just a bit sore, though from stooping doing dishes or the dream I can't say.

More dishes tomorrow.  Then a shower, or in there somewhere.  Hopefully figuring out laundry as well.  All good.  Dark dreams, I think.  Yeah.  Sometimes I can tell, or... suspect more strongly.  As a man who stands to be whipped, knowing the meaning of that, I sweat in trepidation.  I hope the darkness passes.  I pray no suffering, not of this kind.  If I must, so be it.

Good night.

Even daydreams are taking on a solid tone.

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Yeah.  Well, it just happens.  Enjoy or not.  Just... understand before you look.

Some work.

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The dishes remaining from the small lot worked yesterday were washed again and set to rinse.  A bit of a break, then I'll finish those, take a shower, then set up another load.  I hope to begin laundry again.  Mostly figuring out whether to start over with it all, or not.  Once that decision has been made, then I'll go from there.  As well, I'd like to make a shopping list.  Nothing fancy, not much, I'll be going easy on spending for the next few months.  I'd like to get a small savings going again.  Three or four months of holding my financial breath should see me back to good shape.

Oh, I'll probably finish shoveling the drive today.  No travel, just... want to finish that.  I am feeling and doing a bit better.  Medicine still holds things back, a bit... make the drive forward slow and cumbersome.  And yet life is improving enough that I seem to be starting, if at the start, again.  It seems to have returned to hard winter cold.  It doesn't help, in some sense.  And yet it is easier, for me, to work in the cool than the heat.  If even in the heat, sometimes, I can now do well... or better.

All good.  I'll try to put in bits of work between bits of resting, and see just what I can get done through the remainder of the week.  Hitting the kitchen and bathroom as I go.  I keep up on the toilet, now that I have learned a few tricks.  Just a solid cleaning a week, and a few swipes through the week, keep the lou respectable.  Well... on with the day.  Later.

Such strange dreams of late.

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Last night I dreamed of my uncles and grandfather.  What was it the men in my life taught, how did they direct?

While adopted, that was done while I was quite young.  I knew no other family.  The same for my older brother.  Both of us were obtained when we were a month old, perhaps just slightly older for him.  Not only were we accepted by our direct family, of course, but by our extended family.  We didn't know we were adopted by the time we "knew" most of our family.  Our mother didn't hide the fact, made sure we knew when we were able.  But children don't understand such things until later.

We actually had two grandfathers, both were met.  One we only met once, or a few times, for for a short time and when I was quite young.  I only remember some things about him.  The other might have ended the same, save that as his health declined it was decided that he would live with us.  And he did so for a year or two, or so it seemed to me then and now.

He could be grumpy, but mostly he liked us boys.  At that time, my mother had married a man with five children of his own.  Grampa's room was our safe place if all else became rough, even if our mother became too much.  She... was still his child.  :)  Oh, she hated that then.  And yet she has turned into the same kind of grandparent type that he was.  An old Yiddish saying suggests, to women, if they live long enough they will become their mother.  A Doom saying is, live long enough, on top of that, become both your parents.

The thing, in my dream, generally, was what to do in life.  And the tone by which life should be lived.  My grandfather, through the dream, suggested a cautious weary advance.  Marry, but think about it.  Get an education, and a career, or figure out how to make money as certainly and safely and legally as possible.  Tend to your wife and family, just know you can only take out what you have put it, which at best isn't much.  By having them... that is where you should gain any real treasure.  Don't expect, sometimes, even a thanks.

My uncles, many of them, had a notion of getting ahead, far ahead.  Grab what you can and run like hell.  Don't worry about tomorrow, it's all about today.  Don't worry about family, they will make it or not, you just move on if it gets complicated.  Live and die for the day.  Don't advance, too risky.  Don't work too hard, unless it suits you.  Money, money, money, with it you don't need love.  Yeah.

I never did abide my uncles, if the world I live in didn't really offer much else.  Their generation seems to have gone insane.  If I have one uncle that married only once?  Maybe, if so, also one aunt.  Neither of them were known to me, pretty much, at any time in my life.  None, that I knew, had a full career.  None were wealthy, that I knew.  One aunt and uncle lived a life pretty hidden from my knowledge, at least until I was well into middle age.  One has now passed.

It isn't judgement, only an understanding.  Blame?  Perhaps my uncles' generation were trying, one last time, to get ahead.  In a time, though, where the powers that be were doing what they could to undo them?  As they are today, even more so.  The secret is that life is hard.  The good old days were just as harsh, it's just people didn't jabber about things as often.  People only knew their own, and perhaps a few other, hardship stories.  Now, everyone seems to know everything about everyone.

Is it better?  Has telling everything helped?  I am not sure that is the problem, it is just a difference between now and then.  There is some good to it, and some harm.  The real difference is that, now, people more generally know that life is full of knocks.  Although I think, as some freak flags are flown that shouldn't, there is some degradation from it.  Yeah, I am guilty.  And I... have shifted tack a bit.  Mostly.

I was always on my grandfather's side.  I just didn't have voice then or all that much power now.  It's not that I hate my uncles, either.  I just think they went far astray, and were lead that way.  I am hoping for a return to the old ways.  Humble?  Yeah.  A blessing that is lost on many.  Pride for false worldly gains.  A hunger for things that will pass rather than for simple rightness and strong hands from honest work.

Just... things from the dreams.  I haven't been able to sort it all out.  I am still a bit raw from sleep.  But... there you go.  I think it was a good dream.  It helped me sort some things that have been troubling me for... decades.  Probably won't mean much, in some ways, in my life, at this point.  But it might... give pause to young folk, should they happen upon this.  No matter, it's out of my head so that it can begin a new project?  Maybe.

Later.

Hmm? Oh, I don't know.

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I think I am beginning to catch my wind.  A little warfare can do that.  How terrible that combat.  And yet, for as much as it took from me it seems to have refreshed.  Some of us were made to thrive on blood and guts.  I am amazed I did not weary.  What really happens in those times I cannot say.  My ribs are still sore, as if punched.  My back from tossing whoever it was I was fighting... you get a kink if you throw someone while just a bit off.  My left shoulder and neck have a kink from bulldozing.  The sore muscles are feeling better, as are the lungs.  But it... was what it was.  Dreams?  Really?  All night?  I just don't know.

Funny thing is, it cause the cats to... fuss.  It usually does when I dream as such.  They know, as I do, that something is happening.  As with myself, they don't know what.  But man do they fuss and yeowl and run around, jumping and leaping.  Sometimes they try to wake me, as well.  It's not just me.

As I said, that brought life back.  I'm having to break out of things.  Though medicine is a part of the problem now too.  Dunno, I'll keep at it.  I am hoping to do some dishes tonight.  I set them up earlier.  Never did take a nap, or even take any pain pills.  Just... decided to take things as they were.

Later, or good night.

I fought all night long.

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Some sort of evil, sometimes it attacked, sometimes I did.  My back is out, my arms are sore, my lungs burn.  There is no part of me that doesn't suffer some pain.  I am doing better after the last few hours of sleep were fight free and I was allowed to relax and just sleep.  I even got a solid to my left jaw.  Yeah.  They say you can't move in dreams... I... don't think they understand.  Can you stay tensed?  Are there things other than dreams.  Ribs?  How would those be hurt from tension?
I think I'll go back to sleep, after some pain pills.  Just an hour or two.  Struggled almost all night.  Be back in a bit.

The weather and news.

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Snow.  Not terribly cold, perhaps around 20 F if I read it right.  This time there was, say, two to three inches, or left to shovel.  Powder, so not too bad.  But having done so little for so long...  I got the first half of the drive, plus the walk to the front door, cleared.  I have the aft half with a clear center and portioned off.  But that was that.  If it is recycling today, nobody else is doing it.  Though I was probably too late anyway.  I only have one sack in the bit, and one in the house to clear.  So I won't be bothering with it.  Less so after shoveling.

Three more days on the little medicine supply device and I can move on to the big two week device.  I went this way so that I could change medicines more easily.  I was changing medicine more than every two weeks, and if I fell it would get confusing as well.  I think I am ready for the two week device.  I might change in that two weeks, or not.  Probably not.  I'm trying a bit heavier middling dose of carvedilol.  If I can do it, though things are positive on the shorter medicine dispenser, I may just give myself more time to get used to the half-dose.  It's been almost two weeks on that dose, but it is a struggle.  Another two weeks to month, then I'll increase the dose.  Perhaps to full level.  Even then it is a trick to stay on it.  Just be glad you don't have to take stuff that is so difficult to use and have some function remain to you.

I went to look over the news.  Hollywood awards?  Really?  So few even know movies were in the running, or care.  Why is "conservative" news covering useless topics?  Can't they find any real news?  I am curious about what is happening in Europe.  Are the people truly rising up, as here?  Or are they doing what most of us suspect, rolling and selling out?  The Tea Party pretty did that, but we moved on.  Until their people, if they really want it, figure out how to make it so that selling out isn't really possible, they will be herded to their genocide, if they haven't reached a secure demographic tipping point already.  Then again, we aren't out of the woods.  It seems the president can't even call a halt to immigration of most sorts.

News, not bits about a bunch of overrich life fakers who know nothing prattling on about a lost art!  What is going on in Syria?  What is Le Pen saying?  Where are the US and Russia in agreement and at loggerheads?  News, information.  And don't bring me opinion.  Can't you find reporters who simply ask and write?  Yea, but three has to be sources that are smple data?  Quit bringing in the worst of the lot on top of topics that are of no interest or import.  Do it.  No time for this.  I will simply begin cutting off "news" sources which won't follow that code.  Drudge.  Get back in the game, dump those enemy of the state sources, and get on it.  Later.

Up and at it.

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Not at speed or with gusto, that isn't always required.  Why so rough lately?  Some of it was stress, some of it, now, is returning to medicine.  I have been doing well with medicine, but it does knock me down a peg when starting.  I started with the easy stuff, first, now am on everything and have been for four to five days.  After this trial run I will push for two more weeks on everything but heart medicine (carvadilol) on full dose.  I'm at half dose on that last medicine.  It is a brutal thing to start up.  It's like doubling the choke pull on your pull-starting engines.  It just... bogs down or floods the thing too often.  Engines, hearts or otherwise, really weren't made to be bogged down like that, even if it seems to help.  Until I get used to it, it's... tricky to be functional.  Still, being on the way, after all the fuss and trouble, here and there, is a good thing.

I can tell potassium is in better order.  Other than the greater resistance to function, if that is normal, wanted, and needed at the moment, my health is otherwise shaping back up and well.  I don't quite have the ability to feed easily and well, or I would begin working toward fasting again.  I will hold off fasting until medicines are back on track.  I think that is why I was able to fast initially... everything was in much better order and medicines were regular.  When I fell, for potassium, I lost all forms of order and regularity.  Well, and I had been working hard on top of it.  Just getting back to the start, if not quite there yet.  All good.

I am still keeping a list of things to do.  I'd love to work, and will sooner or later.  With money coming back in I should be able to get back on some other tracks as well.  Still, this month will still be shy, as I catch up on some things that went wrong.  All good, all good.  And, when I have things settled, I will call my brother again.  I need to keep up on that relationship.  Not for money reasons.  I won't ask again.  Not... a judgement.  Just... too complicated and messy.  Still, I don't want to lose a brother for money.  I understand his... situation.  No judgement, just... that is the married life and some other things.  Oh, but he had wanted to buy some steaks, and I don't want to cheat him of that.  :p  Hells yeah.  :)

Well... on to... the day.  Ugh.  Trash and recycling to go out, change the cat litter with that, and a shower.  Anything else I might be able to do is just candy... if I can do those things that is.  Blah!  Good morning and day, at least from these parts.

More snow.

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Oh, well, no complaints.  Just a note.  There was a serious warming spell around these parts.  A break from high summer or low winter is always grand.  It makes almost anything else that happens more bearable.  And so it is.  It even looks wonderful.  So long as no ice is involved, though that seems to be a problem.  Several lethal accidents recently.  I found a source for local "news", but it is worse than CNN for which side it obviously takes.  Still, I can get snippets.

Snow showers and 25 F is what is being indicated.  I had wanted, perhaps, to do a bit more grocery shopping.  I think I'll skip it until the weather is more pleasant.  I have been enjoying fruit and milk.  I sort of had to end all fresh stuff until money started flowing.  I can do that, but who likes to do it?

My snow shoes are in, 42" x 12".  Should... do better than the 36" x 9".  Those weren't terrible, just... a little shy.  The snow was pure powder, if deep, when I tried them though.  Perhaps only bearpaws will really work, and designed for my size.  Or, maybe, only certain crosscountry skis?  I still have horrible daydreams of dropping twent feet into powder and having to nap until spring!  :p  I might actually make it.  I am literally bigger than most black bears.  Hmm... weight loss: the black bear method.  Wee!  It's the claustrophobia that would get to me.

I am feeling better, if still not all that active.  I may give work a whirl, if I can, yet today.  Lunch first.  Having hunger is good.  Well, later.

Such days and dreams.

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Resisting death is no mean feat.  I've done in for a very long time.  I have, sort of, grown into the position.  You may not believe, my doctors don't simply believe, they know.  What they don't do is understand.  I won't claim to understand myself.  I just know, at times, remaining alive is an act of vicious will.  It isn't quite, just a physical, spiritual, intellectual, or soul-inspired effort.  It is sometimes one among them, or several of them, and sometimes it is all of those and more.

I have gotten good enough at it that, at my peak, I don't notice.  And, with medicine, I think I am beyond the peaks I could know for the first twenty five years.  I think, now, there are times when I am not struggling, even below the radar.  A new and pleasant thing, mind you.  Still, sometimes, I... have to work, struggle.  It isn't so much death that is the problem, now.  I struggle, more, for function.

Last night, if only in the dream, I struggled with death.  The risk, at first, wasn't so much simple failure.  It was losing stamina over time.  I wasn't sure at first.  Then, finally, I found a balance point, as when carrying a heavy load for a long distance, and finally finding the most efficient manner of distributing and traveling with the weight.  After that, I was able to spend the rest of the night/dream in easy enough testing.  It was a test, but I passed with ease... after that initial imbalance and more difficult struggle.  The dream was... real enough.  Even so, I wake well and refreshed.  Such is my nature, and why I yet am, and why I baffle doctors.

I will be continuing to attempt various efforts.  Laundry?  Dishes?  A shower?  Maybe some cooking?  Dunno.  I'll try to do something.  I'll keep trying until that pops.  I am simply soul-weary from dealing with the various bureaucratic attacks and troubles from those.  The dream, perhaps, is my being attempting to reset and begin anew.  Good morning, and day.

Later.

Grumbles.

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I made it to bed rather early.  Even so I could not wake well this morning.  The girls worked me over.  Using me as a race track or diving board, or sparring with their whiskers.  For the last three hours of "sleep", I had one or the other letting me know I should wake.  Unusual, actually.  I wonder if someone is outside, or maybe a dog, they try to wake me?  I'll look for tracks.  Though cats can sometimes just be strange, and stranger than that on any give day for no reason.  Plus, both are girls, and girls double down on that three times a week or more.  :p

I just can't catch up or keep up.  I think I am recovering from the stresses of recent events.  Oh, I've been here before, and been shut down much more harshly.  Just for pure health reasons.  Engineering school itself, was five times as bad, and without any medication for the heart to bring me up even this little bit.  Trust me, I've known far worse.  I think I just need a little time to rest and recover.  I'll get there.

As to the dream the other night, I... do have some wonder.  Being that I can go into a woman's dream, and am more than a little way to beyond the veil... plus having been clean over to that side several times... was she in my dreams or did I escape the bonds of the mortal coil and visit her thoughts.  Souls don't sleep, thus don't dream.  But having been on that side, I know how powerful the thoughts of such beings, in that state, can be.

A rough day.

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Nothing done, not much.  I did wash the fruit, ate well finally, but could do little.  It snowed, but that is mostly melting away on it's own.  The house needs a lot of cleaning.  I just can't seem to get to it.  Medicine is going down well and regularly.  I may be drinking too much fluid, I simply can't seem to stop.  Thirst is just amazing, demanding, commanding.  I would place it at two gallons and more each day... more like three gallons the last three or four days.

I believe I'll go to bed early tonight.  I have been watching Spartacus.  Truth is, while it is okay, movies and episodes are... slow.  Watching them, even ones which interest me, is quite slow.  Reading is quicker entertainment.  The problem with reading is that it is draining.  More so when I hit the parts that are less... engaging.  I can only watch, often, an half hour or so of the hour episodes at a time.  And movies, I can only watch those about a third to half the movie a sitting.  I am hoping I hit a book that draws me in soon.  Even those are rare, becoming rarer.  And with authors going left like idiots, my patience grows thin.

Ugh... Good night.  I think I'll hit it right now.  See you in the morning.

How wonderful can the terrible be?

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A woman I knew haunted my dreams two nights ago.  I knew her most of my life, through all of our stages in life, from very young to these days.  Lost, recently.  Love?  Yes.  In ways only... very close people can know.  Only those of the opposite sex who love the beauty of that.  Never known, in that way, but known the hunger, both ways, mutually.  How dear a solid, true, platonic love?  Only this sort of relationship could expose the full depth.

She had, in my eyes, fallen... while still alive.  I had stopped answering her calls.  I could not handle where she had gone.  She had problems.  I could not help.  I kept her in my prayers, from time to time, but knew that, as close as we had been, she was more of a danger to bring me down with her than for me to help her out of her despair.

She had, at once, tested me.  She wanted to know... some things about me.  She wanted to know, for sure, if there was more than an civil interest, geniality.  She also wanted to know about the nature of my hungers.  Further, she wanted to know if I was a base man or could control, even steeped in my cup.  I passed her tests, if... who knows what pleases a woman, even if it is right, laudable, powerful, in a man.  Still... she knew all from her test.

In my dream, she came as a woman from heaven.  How a woman can love there, in innocents, is a bit powerful for a man here.  Even one such as I.  Bound, hedged, avowed, and powerful through time and will, even so, real open innocent love is... can... unlock such things.  Heaven always trumps earth.

Yes, she knew all my secrets.  She probably surmised even more than most readers here, and fully.  For she knew and explored some things directly.  Still, she knew the botttom lines and borders.  A song, one I have played here before, often at a time, popped to the surface.  Very strange, as they do that rarely these days.  Either youtube is dying, or it is killing some things for some viewers, or...  Don't know.  So, that this one popped the day after the dream, just...  But... it... made sense to me.  A song sung for her, to her.

Out yesterday.

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It seems my local account was in trouble.  So I needed to add some money.  A bill that came later in the month.  The only one.  I may have to end their automatic payments since they can't seem to just take the payment out on the third, as I had requested.  Why they do that I neither know nor care.  They always promise they will, and one of them doesn't.  Too stupid to do a simple thing.  Anyway, I did get that arranged.

Afterward, shopping.  It's not my favorite thing.  Lettuce, milk, cream, just some basics to cover some ground.  Pistachios and a few treats.  Absolutely nothing fancy.  I take a pound of pistachios and cut it out into quarters or fifths, then eat a portion or two a week.  As well as sunflower seeds, to split into that same rotation.  Though sometimes I get carried away and double the portion.

It snowed last night.  It looks like an inch to three.  It was blowing, and wetter when it arrived so it stuck to things and lays oddly.  Difficult to know for sure how much.  Well, and I wasn't terribly awake when I looked.  I'll get too it before too long, probably.  Still just a bit off from all things.  I'll... try.

I finally found a source by which to check out a few television series I had been curious about.  Some proved too faggoty to even bother, such as one about Da Vinci.  They can keep that.  Right out of the gates, nothing but fluff.  Dumped it.  I did find Spartacus, blood and sand or such.  I have been curious about that for... a while.  So far not fluffery, if they do have a penchant for nudity.  I just skip those.  I am celebite on the one hand, and have zero interest in naked men for that part.  Still, the story seems interesting enough.  Blood in war and history isn't... it's just a simple part of my understanding.  Nothing to get hung about.  I'm into the third episode.

Really, most of those series and moves that many of you know?  I have never seen.  I won't watch things with commercials.  I won't pay much if any at all.  And if it's too modern, queer, stupid, girly, fan-boy, nerdy, or... such... I'll dump it without a thought.  I simply have no interest in being lied to or herded toward the stupid.  And I have, mostly, been unplugged for as long as most highschoolers have been alive.  So...  Still, I have been checking out series which rose to my notice and at least piqued my curiosity.

Well?  Later.  Good morning, and good day.

Up late.

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I actually went to bed at a good hour.  That wasn't the problem.  It isn't like I did too much work yesterday.  I adjusted the thermostat according to my needs well enough.  I attempted to eat, if that has been a slight issue lately... I did get some food down.  Medicine has been going in, if not all of it quite yet.  As I discussed, I wanted to set somethings going, then add the water pill which has been done, and next, maybe today, to add the heart pill back in.  That is a rough son of a gun, but I think I am ready to add it.  So... no real problems on my part.  I simply could not wake.

If I need a little extra sleep I have learned to just take it.  Fighting it simply doesn't work.  I could end up in real problems, fast.  Better to take an extra hour or two than be tired for the next week, losing any and all traction as to function, and be miserable too.  Get that extra sleep and see if bedtime can be trimmed a bit, and maybe if I can regain any lost ground.  If I can do that in a day or two, keep focus for several days on that, then often, these days, I can retain a good schedule.  Otherwise I begin losing the day schedule.

I am really going to push to do some dishes and laundry today.  If the laundry all needs redone, so be it.  If I can clear the stuff in baskets, I'll do that.  The wrinkles won't be too bad.  I at least line shirts up, length wise, in prep for handing them.  Jeans might be messy though.  If a damp towel and some time in the dryer might do both of those some good... if they smell fresh enough.  Yeah.

A shower would be good, if I may hold that hostage to dishes.  And I'll hit laundry, a bit, before even dishes.  Perhaps boiling some eggs would be a good thing, as well, today.  With dishes, I may also cook a small batch of rice or set beans to soaking.  I am sure hoping to kick things off a bit today.  Even if I can't eat, I am hungry.  Maybe work will help that.

I had two intense dreams the other night.  I won't work on them yet.  Maybe later.  One was how love with the opposite sex exists in heaven.  The other was about seeing Him, and some things.  That dream was a bit... confused.  I'm working on it.  If I can put the pieces togther.  I got a message from it, not really something for others.  But the dream itself can be explored.  Real message?  It fits with my learning, doesn't add, subtract, or otherwise modify other than intensity, so I will take it unqualified in any other way.  Later, if at all.  Still... wondering? piecing?

Later.

Okay.

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Well... looks like my ssd check is in.  They didn't tell me when it might arrive.  It is listed as having cleared on the 14th.  Good, good.  I still have to sign the paperwork and get that in.  Yeah, but... I had to look it over, and glad I did.  So...  Still, this paperwork then starts a complete review.  While back in some money I am still not out of the woods.  One thing at a time.

I haven't been able to get to work.  I simply don't have it in me.  However, having some money means I can get the house payment this month, and I think the utilities, which are late.  And then do some minor shopping.  If the pig arrives, I should be able to do that cash, too.  Ugh.  If I can remember, focus.  I'm not in the best of shape.  This might help unjangle some nerves though.  Especially if I can get busy and pay some things.  Yeah.

You know what I am hungry for?  Apples were good, pears better, and all that, but... donuts.  I'd love to try those cronuts, and may someday, but for now just some storebought.  I would have to do a lot of cleaning and dishes to get the world in order to even begin working on the cronuts.  But I sure... would like those.  I am positive they would be better than storebought.  But the last I had really weren't too bad.  They were actually good.  A treat, now and then.

Ugh.  Later or good night.

Much better?

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It seems that way.  Then again it is in the 50's F outdoors.  That doesn't hurt.  I thought I had missed recycling yesterday.  But, being a holiday, probably not.  So first thing, mostly, I got the bin out to the curb.  I don't think I have enough trash to bother taking out.  Maybe a partial bag, sum total.  I haven't been cooking, shopping, or such, so I haven't been having anything to toss.  It is actually windy, and still in the 50's.  It is a warm enough wind, I guess, that it doesn't cut.  A very strange deep winter.  It happens, though.  More, I do suspect they are tinkering with the weather.

Yes, sleep was very good.  I set the alarm for eight plus change hours.  I woke a bit before the time, then added an hour for more sleep.  Dreams.  What women do in my brain on some nights... then again, I know I do it back.  I don't know if you can smell, feel, taste, touch, and such, in your dreams.  But I can.  Anyway...  Not sure I needed the extra hour, wanted it.  I slept, and woke, well.  Just tinkered a bit before realizing I could probably get the recycling out.  It's nearly full.  Not that I create a lot of recycling, I just don't take it out every time.  Over time it just gets full.  Bleh.  The woes of middle class mid-America?  :p

I didn't get much done yesterday.  Other than finding the phone and attempting to get it working.  I have been told that the phones may be dead.  While my neighbor uses a different company, I'd bet dollars to donuts all the companies out here use the same wiring and just split it out, or even bill it out, independently.  So... that might be the problem with the phone.  I'll call later.  Then again, finding the phone took quite a bit of digging.  I'd spend an half hour to hour looking here or there, taking a break, and looking elsewhere.  Yes... I have piles of loot.  And am easily distracted.  :p

A shower, shortly.  Then setting up dishes.  Maybe tinkering with laundry, if more to open up the baskets and either decide to rewash those clothes or put them up... in prep for beginning using the machines again.  If I'm blocked up at the folding/storing end, it doesn't work well to just continue washing and drying.  Blah.

Later.

Always a mixed bag.

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I haven't done much today.  I did a bit, and found the phone.  I plugged it in and... I can hear something, but can't get a dial tone or otherwise call out.  Being a holiday I will have to wait until tomorrow.  Oh, and I need to check about this being unlisted.  She kept skipping the answer to that.  She is made to sell, push, not be honest.  I am supposed to have 30 days to end the service.  If they can't or won't offer an unlisted phone, I'll find another service.  If I can get this going, I will dump my cell.  Of course, then I will have to get an ereader or tablet, maybe both.  I just won't go with ms win, really don't care for android, but absolutely will not get apple.  It's not a matter of good, better, best, it's a matter of which steals and sells your data the least, at this point.

A shower, shortly, maybe.  It's a bit of a rough day.  Still, I think it'll work out.  I have hamburger thawing, though I'd like to find some chops too.  Pork, lamb, all good.  Perhaps a roast of some sort as well.  I need to eat, even if it's a bear to get going on cooking.  I seem to be cooking good meals, when I can, as lopsided as things are.  I just wish I had a bit more energy and could really put out a near feast of a meal.  I'm hungry.

Well, later, I suppose.  A nap would be nice but I don't see it happening.  Good day.

Better, again, maybe.

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I stayed awake a little longer than planned last night.  I'll work to remedy thay.  The goal is to be asleep by 21:00.  I suppose longer days and the warmer weather play a part.  It is always precarious for me.  Too little work, too much or too fast of change in the environment, too hungry, too much food, too much or little work, or just health acting up, or other things.  My body is fussy and I cannot account for all the variables.  No worries.  I'll keep at it.

I set the alarm for 7:00, rounding up bedtime to 23:00.  I woke more around 5:30, and easily, so simply turned off the alarm and got on with my day.  I am working to brush my teeth more regularly.  Actually moving from rarely, to twice a day, and now to, often, three times a day.  That comes and goes, I often lose track.  I suppose, if you can get to a certain age, and you haven't rotted your teeth out, they can be... taken for granted a bit more often.  As I said, I haven't had a cavity in... since... 1993~4?  I think so.  Still, there are reasons to try to keep up.

When my checks begin coming in, while I do have some other things of interest, I would like to get my teeth cleaned.  I am not interested in a checkup, just a cleaning.  If the doc can't handle that, I'll find another.  I could get it free, at the V.A.  But the travel costs would be similar to the costs of a cleaning.  I could apply for travel, but that has always been sketchy.  Sometimes they send it, sometimes they just circular file the request.  Bureaucratic problems, some of the first, started there.  Oh, and I would also like to get in to an eye doctor, get set up for new glasses, and begin ordering.  I'd like to order two functional pair and have two in reserve.  Two would be bifocal standard daily drivers, two would not be... sunglasses/activeware glasses, but over time.  I have found an, comparatively, inexpensive source, and would like to compare various sources.  I have seen bifocals, without the lines, for as little as $150(ish).  Regular glasses for much less.  Just... wanting to keep up on some things.

I am hoping to get to work today.  I won't say I will end up doing a lot of work.  Two or three small loads of dishes, a shower, work on the laundry and get that all back on track, and some tidying up in the kitchen.  Well, and putting meat out to thaw.  Hmm, and a trip to the post office here in town.  Both to get out and to get the ssa form in the mail.  I am beginning to get some umph back, maybe.

Good morning and day.

Raining?

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It is February.  Crazy.  It jangles the nerves.  It could freeze at any moment, leaving sheets of ice that would be harsh to try to get through.  It really could shut everything down for a good while, if it went bad at the wrong time.  There is also still a goodly amount of snow out there, which will melt with the rain and because of the temps that allow for it to rain.  Oh well.  It is wonderful to sleep with the warmer temps and pitter-patter.

I slept well enough, I think.  Not too deeply, not too shallow.  I woke at 4:00(ish).  I looked over the news.  There really isn't much happening that I find interesting.  Though, for you, generally, that is a good thing.  I tell you, this last week, I had a sense that something big, and bad, was going to happen.  About midweek to near the end, I felt as if that had broken.  Either the plans were interrupted or pulled.  Of course, with things like that, it might be delayed... assuming the players weren't caught, rounded up, and are sitting in a nearly cosmic circular file.  I think .int, .mil, and .sec realized, from Zero, that they can't trust the president and certain other aparatus to secure enemies who need to be secured.  They won't make that mistake again?  Maybe.  That is a slippery slope, and, yet, it is what it is.  Given a choice of trusting them, with serious oversight, in the shorter term, and trusting Zero, I have to go with them.  Actually, that is how it used to be done, until someone decided hot, multi-national, international, wars was a better idea, then just started zapping people with bomb tossing flying robots.  Yeah... choices.

I'd love to rent a movie, or find something to watch.  But have you seen what they offer lately?  I am trying to finish off some books.  The weather, which is causing me to be drousy already, doubles or triples the effect of reading... even when I can wake well enough to read in the first place.  Gah!  I have several books lined up for next, hopefully a bit more engaging then the ending of Dante's Comedies.  One of the poets will be chosen, as well as either the Silmarillion or Children of Hurin, by JRR Tolkien.  I am enjoying having two books, of different sorts, to read at a time.  If one does not quite suit the mood or interest, the other might well do.  Both were physical books this last time.  Next will be one real and one ebook.

Oh, sudoku has been very good recently.  In the last two weeks, on a virgin run, I have hit a 13, 11, 9, several 7, and a 5 second score.  Now, while I can do these, I don't hit them, usually, this often.  Even for me this is fast on fast.  Often only hitting one of the superfast times once every week or two.  That's a superfast score every other day, and, with how things have been, I haven't been playing every day.  So... yeah... very good.

Later.

A wicked winter?

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You know, not so much.  Out here we got more snow than usual, or lately.  Someone was saying the old timers suggested it has been 25 years or so since there has been this much snow.  And while I have some some of the coldest snaps, even spells, since I have been here, I have also seen some of the warmest days in winter since I have been here... into the 50's.  I think it has been a darker winter, more overcast than usual.  That is subjective, just a sense, I haven't actually looked.  Then again I don't trust the news, not even local.

My sense of exhaution, though?  I was thinking it was just me.  My mother called to check in today.  While we were talking, we crossed that topic.  It's not just me.  She, her friends and coworkers, all seem to have some serious exhaustion this year.  Her weather out there seemed as difficult, or more perplexing, as ours.  I am wondering if it isn't the large changes in weather which are causing the problem, or even just that the sun hasn't been out so much?  In any case, it is good to know it isn't just me.  Probably.  I should ask around more locally.

Not much going on today.  I'd like to push through with Dante's final book.  I must admit, it is mostly lost on me.  I enjoyed the first, was curious about a part in the second, but this third book is... less appealing.  Too fictional, with less support from other both holy and theological writings.  Still, it is an amazing piece of work.  It pretty much would be, or contain elements, of the encyclopedia of his time, framed in poetry.  Science, religion, the stars, mythology, philosophy, geography (as they understood it), etc.  Amazing.  Still... too often, in this last book, *zzz*...

Later.

Not doing the best.

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I have had worse.  The only thing wrong, really, is that I can't quite sleep well.  Problems on the mind, as well as going through some part of my illness, on top of a minor infection.  When I scraped my leg, usually that just heals well by itself.  Not this time.  The wound area is sore and just a bit pink.  It actually is looking and feeling better.  I wish I had stocks of various antibiotics, I'd use one.  The other otpiion, I think, is to remove the scab, clean the area, then bandage it using triple antibiotic ointment.  I don't want to do that.  If it doesn't clear up in a few days, though, I will.  It's time for me to see the doctor, but I can't afford that unless my ss check comes in.  Having him deal with this, on top of my usual checkup, would be fine.  I can't go for medicine for reasons on their own, other than keeping my license.

I am sleeping hard, perhaps too hard.  My schedule isn't doing well, off.  I have been busting myself up trying to get to a day schedule, to make handling some of these problems a bit easier.  Actually, I probably woke a bit too early.  I may attempt returning to sleep.  I may go back to using the alarm clock, but this time not so much to wake me, but in an attempt to sleeping the right amount of time.  Health, thoush, sometimes, means that isn't an option.  Sometimes I have to sleep long.  Sometimes I can't sleep long enough.  Not always, or even often when everything is up in the air, a choice.

I'll keep at it.  Later.

The call, finally.

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I called today.  They do have my address changed, however the paperwork they sent with me has the old/wrong address.  I was told to mechanically change that address.  I asked what to expect.  I was told they will call me, though the operator did not sound confident.  It sounded more like he was telling me whatever he thought I wanted to hear.  I told him I am no longer with the V.A.  This isn't adding up.

I will change the address, then send it in the next time I am in town or even the next time I check my mail.  No postage is necessary.  There is other paperwork in there, but I didn't see that any of it seemed to require signatures or such.  I'm not in the best shape, so can't be absolutely sure.  No postage is necessary, there is that.

Yeah, took all week to get in mostly good enough shape to look things over then call.  No, they aren't looking out for me.  Honestly, I think they though the pressure would kill me.  I think they know exactly what is wrong and mean to use that against me.  If I was an illegal, they'd be bending over backwards to help.  We definitely need to fix this.  Trump has his hands full with spies from our government.  If he can figure that out, survive it, hopefully he'll then figure much of this out.

Later.

No idea when.

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I think I was awake until well after noon.  Then I planned a nap.  I was probably more tired than I thought.  I left the machines on, thinking two hours would be it... if I am reading things right.  I don't rightly recall and what I do remember might have been from yesterday or some other day.  Yeah, crashing hard when I crash.  Waking up with all the machines on, though, usually means I either thought I was going to get back up shortly or I crashed really hard.  I just don't think I crashed that hard, if I did sleep very well and long.  I simply misinterpreted the impulse to sleep, most likely.

I have been dreaming, but those aren't being remembered when I wake.  Hmm... maybe I turned the machine on, mid-sleep, in order to try to record a dream at some point?  I know that has been on my mind in the last few days.  But was it tonight, and in any case, did I carry through?  Yeah, I know.  Memory stinks when exhaustion is pummeling me.

Oh, I am hoping to make a call and sign and send the form tomorrow.  It is a threefolded form, so I can't capy it myself.  Might make a trip to town to get that done.  You can't trust these people at all.  They are just as likely to lose it, or create some problem with it, as to send it through and use it.  Accidentally or on purpose, they do not wish to help you, do their job, or get it done.  That is just how it is and we all know it.  I think they finally understand that most of us understand and so are openly hostile to us.  That... won't be successful either.

Oh, if I make it to town I can get some groceries.  Apples and pears were fantastic for an addition.  Mushrooms are a good add once in a while.  I am learning not to try to stock up on muschrooms though.  The canned are too salty and the fresh go pretty quickly, more so when I don't cook all that often.  And, really, raw mushrooms aren't all that great on salads.  Just... a nice add to cooked meats once in a while.  And milk has been wonderful, and I'll need more butter.  After trial and error, I have found certain brands of butter that I find better, affordable, and can freeze.  The better kinds go rancid if even left in the fridge, but freezing makes them last several months anyway.  I just don't do rancid.  Probably edible, mostly, just... no.

Hmm... on to waking and getting some information ready for the phone call.  Good morning, sooner or later for you.  Be well.

Not my rules.

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She has always accused me as such.  While... I do as I may to live by them, I didn't make them.  While I hope she will attempt to live by them, I can't even enforce that.  Oh... I'll give it a shot.  Sometimes to cover my butt, sometimes so I don't have to deal with my failures.  But I can't make her good, right, perfect.  And, honestly, trying is beyond me.  More so since I can't live that way myself.
Then there are singers, artists, out there who... seem to get me.  While this one plays her side, she also seems to... get some of it beyond her side.  Obvious, to me, in her presentation.  Dreams.  Stolen.  Sung?  Or... maybe I'm simply not as alone as I sometimes wonder.

With and at, I think, as she laughs at me again.  With, yeah, and at.

Oh... just... watching, remembering, adding, and thinking.  Dames... they... just get to me, even now.  Wouldn't want that to ever change.  Good... morning?  Yeah, and day if you have it left to you.

Just off.

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I was able to be awake until early to mid afternoon.  I can't be sure, but somewhere between 14:00 and 16:00 I had to go back to bed.  Was there a nap earlier?  Maybe.  I am starting to sleep better, become rested.  But I am needing more sleep.  Not only sleeping full rest periods after only a partial day, but also needing naps between full sleep cycles.  I'm not going to fight it, the cost ends up being a bit high... more sleep, and never feeling fully awake.  Yeah, after I have slept, or napped, I can wake more fully.  I just can't maintain it for long.

I have been trying to keep fed.  It's not perfect, but a little or more each day helps.  I can't always eat well, much as with resting right.  I can only do my best.  Unfortunately, I am well and truly out of money until next month.  If I want anything else, I'm pretty much just out of luck.  I think it'll work out.  Oh... wait... I do have pretty good room on my credit card.  I don't like to use it for groceries.  But, then, I can pay that part off immediately as soon as I get my checks in.  Yeah, okay, I'll probably do that later this week or early next.  Gotta have some milk once in a while, and fruit has been great.  At least I don't need to buy meat.  I can go pretty slim at the stores, but fruits and veggies are good once in a while just because.  And even a treat.

I have been doing my best to get potassium back up, and get back on vitamins... oh, and I started the water pill.  I might take a shot at getting carvedilol started again.  The stuff is heavy duty, and yet, if I can get back on top of it, like a medicine surfer, it seems to help.  Well?  Later.  Good morning if I don't post again before then.

Oh well.

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I sleep when I can, as long as I may, and am awake otherwise to varying levels of success at that.  At least, finally, after a few days of attempting to force my schedule around, if successfully, then sleeping as I was able, I feel... better.  I am not tired awake, unable to sleep well, and all.  I can't sleep as I should, or stay awake all that long, but when I do either I am more fully able to be at it.  I am not haunted with fatigue.

I am hoping to figure this out more through the week and do some work around here.  I think I'll be able to make some phone calls today, perhaps get going on some other things as well.  I need to find contact information for my doctor, otherwise the bureaucrats will try to contact the V.A. (who already know, I promise you, that I am no longer being seen at the V.A. (yeah, go fed bureaucracies!), will send information to them, then raise a stink that I'm "not being seen").  Look, as two federal bureaucracies, and as much as you must sign to get on social security, they know probably everything about me.  This cancelation of my disability check is just punishment for not being a good boy.  Heck, it might be another attack directed FROM the Vet Admin.  Yeah, really.

I only have a breast of the chicken I braised.  I hope it is good.  I won't be doing anything like chicken salad, I just don't... have clear and cleaned space to do that, or the energy.  Still, warmed and eaten, if it's good and I think so from the last check, it will provide good energy.  If I can get through half the dishes today, I'll set about boiling more eggs.  Those simply do well.  Oh, and with the fresh eggs, I plan to make more mayo.  Not sure what the problem is but I haven't beed doing that well lately.  This time I plan on drizzling in the light olive oil.  I didn't have to do that the first... four or five times.  Now it just isn't working.  Bleh!

Later.

Sleep is just not right.

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I was up early, took a nap midday, then was to bed by 21:00 almost exactly.  I woke sometime after midnight and could not get back to sleep.  At 3:00 I am going to try to slip back to sleep.  I'm not sure what it is up.  This is unusual, even for me.

I was glad to have purchased fruit the other day.  Apples and pears, nothing fancy but I miss it when it's been a while.  I'll work the salad up tomorrow, work on the meat that was cooked, and have another apple or pear.  Pears seem to go bad more quickly, compared to the apples I usually buy.  So... pears first.  Sometime I'd like to bake those with something.  Just... to be different?  Yeah.  Might have to see which pears bake best.  And a better time for them to roast/bake.  I doubt if they need a full half hour.

Yeah, I'll try to get on back to bed.  Good night again.

Went down hard and fast.

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Some nights I take my socks off, some nights I choose to keep them on.  Never to I conciously choose to take only one of them off.  All night, as I neared wakefulness I knew something was wrong.  Not until nearly waking for the final time did I realize what the problem was.  Yes, one sock on, one off.  I was awake long yesterday.  Crashed hard when I was able to go in for sleep.  I had hoped to stay up a few hours more.  From waking with one sock, I realized I probably pushed it as was.

I went to bed somewhere after 17:00, and before 18:00... probably and give or take.  I slept hard, maybe too hard.  Ever have one of those nights where you can't sleep right?  I actually think I was sleeping too hard to sleep right.  That is how it felt, and how it feels this morning.  I slept unt 4:00, give or take a quarter, which was quite a long sleep.  I still feel pretty shot.  If I were a betting man I would lay a small wager that a nap will be in play, and before noon.

Dishes, laundry, and some phone calls today.  My mortgage company, while clearing me, wrote my insurer saying they weren't involved in my home anymore.  Now that they have retaken the loan, they refuse to talk to my insurance company without my permission.  Yeah, as I said, they are just screwing with me.  This is what happens when you question the remnants of Zero's government.  This will change.  Hopefully we see a lot of these people stripped of jobs and any power to screw with Americans for noticing our government has had a brownout.

A few more things, and a bit of time, and it should be back in order.  Later.

Yeah, rough though.

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I did make it in.  A haircut first, then shopping.  I am absolutely fried.  Wasn't it 18:00 when I got up yesterday?  I dunno, maybe I'm confused.  I am really shot.  I think I'll just crash.  Later.

A bit burned out.

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I won't get it all done.  I have gotten the trash together and out, including clearing the refrigerator.  I ate another meal, though seem to just be missing something.  Medicine was consumed.  A shower next, then setting up some of the dishes.  Not all of them, just... some.  I won't be doing dishes today, though I may cycle the rinse, when I get to that point, as I can.  The haircut is set for 16:00.  Later than I'd like.  It'll be a push to get in.  Tired.

Still, I do hope to get it all going, get the cut, then hit the grocery store.  I should write a list.  What... milk, eggs, cream, butter, cabbage, lettuce?  Maybe apples and other fruit?  I really would like to have some snacks.

I don't think I can take care of some of the other business.  I am too tired and stretched to deal with that today.  But I will get it tomorrow, I am sure.  Just a few calls.  And, if I can find the phone I purchased, I'd like to get that going, then cut my Verizon connection.  I'll just keep my mother on, for local, long distance, and travel.  No "smart" plan and only one line should cut quite a bit.  But that won't be today, maybe not tomorrow.  Depends upon when I can find the phone.

Later.

Food, now that I'm nearing being awake.

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I still have chicken, and roast beef.  But I had thawed hamburger with it and want to cook it before it turns.  It still smelled good.  I have learned to sniff-test all meats.  If it has a certain smell, even a bit, best to just toss.  I hate doing it but I won't eat it and wasting the energy cooking it is a nuisance, and more.  I hate when I've just cooked something up, and my body has readied for a meal, only to have to toss it.  Well, and cooking and spicing meat will add a bit more shelf life.  Plus, there isn't much chicken or roast beef left.  Something a bit different would be good.

I have a lot planned for today.  I'll do what I can.  I best check what time the hair cut is scheduled.  I'd like to keep this and maybe two more appointments going for that, then take some time off from that, see how it works out.  Phone calls, a time to check, a shower after food and then after taking out the trash... and clearing the fridge.  Ugh.  Lots of stuff.  Still, it's possible this might be a return to work week.  I don't feel up to it but I don't care how I feel.  I'd like to start smacking the cave back into shape.  I enjoy working and a clean places.  As much of both as I can get.

On to something else or other.  Oh... watching snippets of history documentaries, so long as they keep politics out and don't go (too far) astray.  A little b.s. is doable, going to happen.  Just... don't botch the truth.  I'm not sure if that is some local, regional, or international thing... or if it's some agenda propositions that have been, or mostly, forgotten, foreign or domestic.  Hard to tell, sometimes.  Though documentarians, sometimes, are just stupid and/or ignorant.  Bleh.

Later.

Sleep and all is sort of just shot.

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I can't remember exactly when I went to bed.  More because I pushed as far as I could.  Was it noon, 13:00, maybe 14:00 or later?  As I near the edge of a majory push into wakefulness thought becomes rarified and memory drifts into dream territory.  I woke at 23:00 though, pretty much close enough and for sure.  I tried to sleep longer, and, being that I woke several times a few and single hour before that, and was able to go back to sleep, I did well actually.

The trash has to be collected and put out.  Yeah, it... more than needs it.  Beside the normal stuff, I have something in the fridge.  If I get that out, I hope to get a shower, then do some dishes.  Maybe clean a bit more in hopes of gettign even more trash out... just clutter trash, but it's always good to have that gone.  The world is a creepy place, when it comes to... what is around us, what is required to live.  Yet we all have to live with it, deal with it, our own and even others sometimes.  Rather than learning to hate, perhaps, wherever we are, we should just go with the humility of it.  If someone does this for you, be grateful.  If you live in a clean house, and don't do much of it, or any of it?  Yeah.

I'll try to get to work this week.  I've set up a smaller medicine grouping for this week.  Potassium, vitamins, and the water pill for now.  After I feel more caught up, I'll hit the rest.  Oh, while I won't buy more losartin... too expensive for too little good, if it has no side-effects, I will take the rest of it.  I am adding it to my routine for this week, and on until it is gone.  It only ever brought the b.pressure down by two to five points, barely measureable.  If it does other things... it did seem to smooth life, but not... critically.  Money, money, money, and reason.  I have to do what I can, as I may, and no more.

I have an hair cut on schedule today, too.  Which I mean to make.  I'll do just a bit of shopping while in town.  Cabbage, salad, eggs, cabbage, butter, milk, and cream.  The goal is to keep the costs way down.  Just the cheapest good foods that might last a bit.  And I need to call the social security office, make sure they actually did change my address (though, now that I think on it I think I got a print out of that), and figure out what is really up.  Oh, and give them my new doctors contact info.

So... there is all that.  What?  I don't know.  I'll read this when I am more awake, say a prayer in hopes God can keep me on track and...  We'll see.  Good morning, day, and start to your week.  Bleh?  I know, I know.  Good fortunes!  Right after caffeine and food?  Yeah.