.
.
I really have nothing to say, actually. I never did. This was mostly a journal. I have found, however, that I never read from the past. I have little interest in doing so, as it turns out. I had thought about pulling the blog into a file, but it looks like a heck of a lot of work. As well, I cannot think that any of it is of any real value to me or anyone else.
In any case, this is it. I will be closing up in a week or so. Somehow I doubt if I can kill it, but I will do what I can. I will still visit some of you. I am not sure I will comment anymore though. It is time to let this whole thing go away. It is encroaching on my real life and, I suspect, in a very negative way. Political correctness seems to be mandatory for anything involving colleges, government workers, and even it seems, churches.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
No response, fine. Deleting my comments, not fine.
.
.
I had to let some people go (bloggers). Apparently I am not good enough to comment on their blogs. I was not told why, I was not told to go away, I have just been blocked. My comments just never appear on their blogs. Some of these are “men” with plenty of written spit and fire. “Guys” who swagger around as if they had a pair. Most women have more in that department and are honest. Then again, what can be expected from “modern men”?
If I got someone by accident, let me know. I was a little miffed and may have made a mistake. Some of you I dropped because you are inactive though, too. More to come on that score, very possibly. I would like to think something else was going on, but I cannot figure out what. I know I wrote comments. I know they were up, or were in the queue to be allowed or not, and I know they were decent (morally) enough to print, further, I know they are not there anymore or never were accepted.
No skin off my nose. I blog, and comment, for my own purposes. I comment when I find something interesting or worth leaving a note. I generally do not debate, not lately. So, my comments where just that. I am curious if it was my comments which were construed to be bad or whether it is me who is considered bad, if the blogger looked here and did not like what they saw or did not want to have contact with this (my) blog. In the end, I suppose it does not matter. Still, and again, I am curious. Do any of you have enough brass to explain your particular situation?
.
I had to let some people go (bloggers). Apparently I am not good enough to comment on their blogs. I was not told why, I was not told to go away, I have just been blocked. My comments just never appear on their blogs. Some of these are “men” with plenty of written spit and fire. “Guys” who swagger around as if they had a pair. Most women have more in that department and are honest. Then again, what can be expected from “modern men”?
If I got someone by accident, let me know. I was a little miffed and may have made a mistake. Some of you I dropped because you are inactive though, too. More to come on that score, very possibly. I would like to think something else was going on, but I cannot figure out what. I know I wrote comments. I know they were up, or were in the queue to be allowed or not, and I know they were decent (morally) enough to print, further, I know they are not there anymore or never were accepted.
No skin off my nose. I blog, and comment, for my own purposes. I comment when I find something interesting or worth leaving a note. I generally do not debate, not lately. So, my comments where just that. I am curious if it was my comments which were construed to be bad or whether it is me who is considered bad, if the blogger looked here and did not like what they saw or did not want to have contact with this (my) blog. In the end, I suppose it does not matter. Still, and again, I am curious. Do any of you have enough brass to explain your particular situation?
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
A slow week.
.
.
I have, as I have said, taken the week off. Last week was very heavy, manual labor resulted in exhaustion. I have not, however, completely quit. It is still, usually, quite hot here. Reaching into the 90's with mid to high humidity being common, it makes being active difficult. Instead of actual workouts, I am doing little things, hopefully just for this week. I am getting familiar with my weighted chest piece, starting at 50 pounds. I wear it 4 to 5 hours a day (or more). I do whatever usual slug speed movement I do, but with the vest on. I have not been taking walks with it, yet, as I am slowly adjusting to the weight and learning how to maneuver with it on. I have also started studying probability and statistics and physics. I have several sources for study. I spend an hour or two on each topic, taking a break every hour. I am also using the hand strengthening tool off and on, but daily, often several times during the day. I am also playing a computer game, but one that is fairly slow.
Between these things I am busy for a good part of the day without being overly taxed. I am reacquiring the ability to work incrementally on several topics and various more open projects. I ought to start doing the setups and such on the equipment, I would like to have that down, to some degree, when I pick up swimming and weight lifting next week. I am really bugged out that I am not able to awaken in the mornings. I have even turned the AC so that the house is 72 F, rather than my preferred 66 F, in the hopes that a slightly warmer place might help. As I have said, however, I will do what I can.
I still do not know what to eat, how much, or any of that jazz. It is not a problem, until I become famished. Then, whatever is before me or easy becomes food. Unfortunately, that means fast food, sweets, or whatnot. Eating one huge meal, or a high calorie poorly planned meal, undoes any good those hours without food might have added. And, not eating regularly is not a good thing. It makes it more difficult to maintain energy. The same with not drinking enough water, but that is another thing. Just living is complicated, adding on living well, and the thing becomes nightmarishly intricate. I will do what I can.
.
I have, as I have said, taken the week off. Last week was very heavy, manual labor resulted in exhaustion. I have not, however, completely quit. It is still, usually, quite hot here. Reaching into the 90's with mid to high humidity being common, it makes being active difficult. Instead of actual workouts, I am doing little things, hopefully just for this week. I am getting familiar with my weighted chest piece, starting at 50 pounds. I wear it 4 to 5 hours a day (or more). I do whatever usual slug speed movement I do, but with the vest on. I have not been taking walks with it, yet, as I am slowly adjusting to the weight and learning how to maneuver with it on. I have also started studying probability and statistics and physics. I have several sources for study. I spend an hour or two on each topic, taking a break every hour. I am also using the hand strengthening tool off and on, but daily, often several times during the day. I am also playing a computer game, but one that is fairly slow.
Between these things I am busy for a good part of the day without being overly taxed. I am reacquiring the ability to work incrementally on several topics and various more open projects. I ought to start doing the setups and such on the equipment, I would like to have that down, to some degree, when I pick up swimming and weight lifting next week. I am really bugged out that I am not able to awaken in the mornings. I have even turned the AC so that the house is 72 F, rather than my preferred 66 F, in the hopes that a slightly warmer place might help. As I have said, however, I will do what I can.
I still do not know what to eat, how much, or any of that jazz. It is not a problem, until I become famished. Then, whatever is before me or easy becomes food. Unfortunately, that means fast food, sweets, or whatnot. Eating one huge meal, or a high calorie poorly planned meal, undoes any good those hours without food might have added. And, not eating regularly is not a good thing. It makes it more difficult to maintain energy. The same with not drinking enough water, but that is another thing. Just living is complicated, adding on living well, and the thing becomes nightmarishly intricate. I will do what I can.
Monday, August 11, 2008
I have been thinking.
.
.
I have indicated some of the negatives about the events in my recent history. But there have been some strong positives. I have been able to travel, to meet people, to help people, and to just enjoy life. I think the people around me have, usually, enjoyed my company, worked to their capacity usually, and have been helpful. I have been tested by the strangeness of many things and people and I am sure I test other people’s patience, beliefs, tolerances. In that mix, work and play was completed, meals were shared, and stories and memories were shared. My mother was good, in a number of ways, this time as well. Though she was not ready for the move, she did not try to do any of the lifting other than very minor things and she was not her past typical nagging, demanding, complaining self. She was an excellent help and guide, I think because she did not hurt herself trying to lift or micromanage. She encouraged the work with out shoving, and she had a pretty good idea of where to put things.
I also have a pretty good life. I do not always share well, or share the goodness in me or that I know as well as I would like. I have been keeping busy, working quite hard compared to my last 20 years, and growing in a number of ways. I am getting a handle on my health, if slowly, and in a rough shod manner. And, I try to keep myself open to do the right things, the good things, and to just be available to God’s will. I have prayed for many people, events, and for my own reasons. I have started to be a regular at church. I have even started studying for classes this fall.
Though I still feel totally confused at Church, in school at times, and in life in general, and I may always have that, I am learning to just be patient, ask pertinent questions, and seek other information on my own. I am occasionally exhausted, and seem to be able to do very little. Yet, when I can, and as I must, I do pick up and get going again, often before I think I can (with mixed results). And though I may never have a clear certainty about my history, I can be satisfied that I know today and the yesterdays before and after the period of trauma. I am good with that at this point.
No, life is good. It is hard at times. It definitely moves way too fast. It is lonely, I think with or without a spouse at times, but more so without a wife and children. In spite of these things, often because of them in that they offer a comparison sample, I really do want to live and try to do what I like and to know and love people. I like to experience a breeze on my skin, the sun on my face, and the sights, sounds, smells, feel, and combined sensations that the various seasons present. Yes, it is good to be alive.
.
I have indicated some of the negatives about the events in my recent history. But there have been some strong positives. I have been able to travel, to meet people, to help people, and to just enjoy life. I think the people around me have, usually, enjoyed my company, worked to their capacity usually, and have been helpful. I have been tested by the strangeness of many things and people and I am sure I test other people’s patience, beliefs, tolerances. In that mix, work and play was completed, meals were shared, and stories and memories were shared. My mother was good, in a number of ways, this time as well. Though she was not ready for the move, she did not try to do any of the lifting other than very minor things and she was not her past typical nagging, demanding, complaining self. She was an excellent help and guide, I think because she did not hurt herself trying to lift or micromanage. She encouraged the work with out shoving, and she had a pretty good idea of where to put things.
I also have a pretty good life. I do not always share well, or share the goodness in me or that I know as well as I would like. I have been keeping busy, working quite hard compared to my last 20 years, and growing in a number of ways. I am getting a handle on my health, if slowly, and in a rough shod manner. And, I try to keep myself open to do the right things, the good things, and to just be available to God’s will. I have prayed for many people, events, and for my own reasons. I have started to be a regular at church. I have even started studying for classes this fall.
Though I still feel totally confused at Church, in school at times, and in life in general, and I may always have that, I am learning to just be patient, ask pertinent questions, and seek other information on my own. I am occasionally exhausted, and seem to be able to do very little. Yet, when I can, and as I must, I do pick up and get going again, often before I think I can (with mixed results). And though I may never have a clear certainty about my history, I can be satisfied that I know today and the yesterdays before and after the period of trauma. I am good with that at this point.
No, life is good. It is hard at times. It definitely moves way too fast. It is lonely, I think with or without a spouse at times, but more so without a wife and children. In spite of these things, often because of them in that they offer a comparison sample, I really do want to live and try to do what I like and to know and love people. I like to experience a breeze on my skin, the sun on my face, and the sights, sounds, smells, feel, and combined sensations that the various seasons present. Yes, it is good to be alive.
The beginning of the end?
.
.
What is happening in Georgia, happily or sadly, is not the beginning. It is merely a message to the West. It is a sign that Russia may be a part of the beginning of the end, and probably will be. Unless there is a major retaliation from the West, this thing will fizzle. Russia will get what it wants and we will do nothing about it. Western Europe can do nothing, we (the U.S.) ARE Western Europe’s military (if, thankfully, we do not (usually) obey their amoral and immoral wants, minus the former Yugo-Clinton-Lewinsky thing).
I was pleased to see this thing happen, however. No, I am favorably inclined toward Georgia, it is not a political, social, or economic event which I want changed within Georgia. What I do like is that people who had become quite at ease with Russia will have to backtrack. We are seeing how “modernist” nations war, and will be able to compare that with how we war. And more, it cast Europe as the feminized ineffective socialism it is. Then again, if Europe arms up, it will become another NAZI Germany. It has the bureaucracy in place, it only lacks a serious combined military. While we are wiping the world’s anus, Europe cannot even secure it’s back door (or help us).
The other thing is, though this does not please me, it does indicate that Russia can and probably will play a large part in the end (of this age and leading into the next dark age or whether it will lead to the end of man I cannot say). Russian and China both have been militarily building up, they are socio-economically coming to an end or changes which the powers that be in those nations may very well not tolerate (either because of their population, economic, or social pressures). War is one way of keeping people too busy to fight back, it opens the way for further suppression of “their citizens”, and it eases certain pressures, and those easings can be designed to cover the problem areas better than an unguided war. They will need to have war, they are built up for it, if they do not war they will lose power, control, or again be left with purges.
This is only an indication that the end game may happen. It can happen, it could happen directly from this (doubtfully). But, it is not happening. Not yet.
By the way, be looking for Russia to begin outlawing abortion. It will be a very sad day to see a Communist nation outlaw abortion first. (though technically not a communism, they exist in very nearly the same type of upper management and brutal action as the old communism, and only exist politically as is because of Russia's history.)
.
What is happening in Georgia, happily or sadly, is not the beginning. It is merely a message to the West. It is a sign that Russia may be a part of the beginning of the end, and probably will be. Unless there is a major retaliation from the West, this thing will fizzle. Russia will get what it wants and we will do nothing about it. Western Europe can do nothing, we (the U.S.) ARE Western Europe’s military (if, thankfully, we do not (usually) obey their amoral and immoral wants, minus the former Yugo-Clinton-Lewinsky thing).
I was pleased to see this thing happen, however. No, I am favorably inclined toward Georgia, it is not a political, social, or economic event which I want changed within Georgia. What I do like is that people who had become quite at ease with Russia will have to backtrack. We are seeing how “modernist” nations war, and will be able to compare that with how we war. And more, it cast Europe as the feminized ineffective socialism it is. Then again, if Europe arms up, it will become another NAZI Germany. It has the bureaucracy in place, it only lacks a serious combined military. While we are wiping the world’s anus, Europe cannot even secure it’s back door (or help us).
The other thing is, though this does not please me, it does indicate that Russia can and probably will play a large part in the end (of this age and leading into the next dark age or whether it will lead to the end of man I cannot say). Russian and China both have been militarily building up, they are socio-economically coming to an end or changes which the powers that be in those nations may very well not tolerate (either because of their population, economic, or social pressures). War is one way of keeping people too busy to fight back, it opens the way for further suppression of “their citizens”, and it eases certain pressures, and those easings can be designed to cover the problem areas better than an unguided war. They will need to have war, they are built up for it, if they do not war they will lose power, control, or again be left with purges.
This is only an indication that the end game may happen. It can happen, it could happen directly from this (doubtfully). But, it is not happening. Not yet.
By the way, be looking for Russia to begin outlawing abortion. It will be a very sad day to see a Communist nation outlaw abortion first. (though technically not a communism, they exist in very nearly the same type of upper management and brutal action as the old communism, and only exist politically as is because of Russia's history.)
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Work and more work.
.
.
After helping move someone else last weekend, I thought I was in good shape to help my mother move this week. I was correct. Still, I underestimated how much help my mother needed. As with the man I helped move, my mother was not at all prepared to move. We had to take things apart, box things up, carry the furniture, and take all of her appliances to her new house, and I helped further by helping my Mom unpack after the others left. Beyond, the move was from a fairly roomy and easy to navigate larger house to a very small, tight cornered, and complex house. I worked for 3 days, doing 14 to 16 hour days, and the move was not complete. I did help with all the heavy items and much of the lesser boxes and other things (all of her clothes were on hangers, so those were moved still on the hangers (3 closets full)).
I also did not care for many of those she was able to get to help. Only one other was able to work hard and lift well. I chose him for the other side of lifting as often as I could (for my, his, and the item’s benefit and simply to get it done more quickly). My mother lives several social and economic levels below myself, and it is not always comfortable (for either of us). She does not understand certain constraints I have and I do not agree that “anything goes” is just fine. Working with her can be quite frustrating. What? You do not believe in social and economic levels or differences? You are a fool. Those differences are as real and poignant as the communication difficulty between people of different IQ levels. Some of each of those is choice, some is not.
I suppose I rejected my mother’s choices before I graduated and moved away. She has never had an interest or aptitude for my choices. (I am not quite academic, I refute much of that, not quite religious as I am ignorant (though I am trying and learning), not quite rich (if not poor), but I am not a hick… at all, I am not sure where I fit, but I do know where I do not fit.) Still, I do love my mother, and I take her as she is (if I choose to have little or nothing to do with most of those with whom she chooses to associate). It is difficult. Difficulty engenders growth though, I think. I am hoping she will enter the Church and find her way (if she has not, though I do not think she has… yet, if I do believe she is seeking to a degree). Now, I know my way may never be her way (and possibly should not be as I can be wrong), I know there is a better way for her (and me). So, as I seek, I try to encourage her to seek. To that end, I have bought things for her to read (things I read, and some things more geared toward her ways as I understand them).
Still, I was able to work very hard and I did a very great deal of work. The other workers were there part time, while I was there full time, plus she had me do other things after everyone else left. None of the others worked more than one day, while I worked each. She is my mother though, and I did promise. I really was happy to do work, and for her, but I was very disappointed that she was not prepared for the move. She had several weeks (at least) to pack and move some of the lesser boxes. If she had packed two boxes a day and moved two more small boxes toward a central area, with the number of workers we had and over the time we had them, her move could have been completed in two days.
By the third day, I was shot. Still, I was able to do one more load and to help her sort boxes, set up her house a bit, and do some running. That last load I did myself, both packing and unpacking two open interior SUVs. If the material was just boxes and clothes, the filled the back ends of both vehicles. The temperature was in the high 80’s to low 90’s with humidity between 57% and Lots%. I am bruised, scratched, and a bit sore. But, it is done, for me, unless she calls and I find that I have nothing on my schedule (yes, I said I would return if she needed me). She still has to figure out how to get the last of her move completed, but that is the price for being unprepared.
I did make it to Church today, to the Latin Mass. But I was not there in time to be an usher. I am quite disappointed, if the whole idea that I would usher this weekend itself was a mistake. I had indicated I would be here next Sunday, but the man I was in contact with this did not understand. So, I had to return earlier than I would have from helping my Mom move (though 3 days was enough). I could check my email at my Mom’s, but I could not respond and let him know. I am going to ask, one more time, that he forgive and give me another chance. Though I plan to begin working out again, that is quite different from 9 hour plus days of harder manual labor. I am thinking, if I can wake up that is, that swimming and working out will be like vacation after this last week. Plus, I will be in air conditioned places while I work out.
Yes, I will begin swimming again tomorrow. I am not sure how to sleep enough or how I will be able to wake up in time, but I will do my best. My ability to follow my schedule still seems problematic, so I will just do what I can. But some things really are pushing me on. My chest is now muscle. There is some fat, but it will not be confused with “man boobs” anymore. I still need to buy some fitting underwear too. And though I weigh 300, I am no longer the same 300. This is going to be a slow process, even with these gains and signs I realize all I will get is small improvements over months and years. If I can even get back to a decent physique, it will be from years of fairly consistent work. If it turns out I cannot get to a fine body again, I will definitely be able to become much stronger, much more fit, and gain a bit better tone and muscular mass.
You know, even though I cannot do everything I hope, that I have to work with those I do not wish to work with, and that nothing happens fast enough, I am enjoying my changing world. I like to work, I thought I did and now I know. I enjoy being useful and welcome. I love being with people. And I like some of the challenges involved with it all. All the bad included into it, life is so much grander when I leave my cave and venture forth. I hope my grumpy nature is not all that people see coming (though I like people to know I have a need for personal space and that I have high expectations and real moral and ethical limits). My prudishness is not how I wish to be known (though I am hoping a sense of personal propriety and humility is conveyed). I hope that I am not seen as a spoil-sport (though I want people to know drug abuse (including excessive alcohol use), and other illegal and immoral behavior, is not welcome in my presence). Yes, it is a tightrope walk, but… *get them off me* and *do not touch me* have their place with “be welcome” and “how may I help you?”.
.
After helping move someone else last weekend, I thought I was in good shape to help my mother move this week. I was correct. Still, I underestimated how much help my mother needed. As with the man I helped move, my mother was not at all prepared to move. We had to take things apart, box things up, carry the furniture, and take all of her appliances to her new house, and I helped further by helping my Mom unpack after the others left. Beyond, the move was from a fairly roomy and easy to navigate larger house to a very small, tight cornered, and complex house. I worked for 3 days, doing 14 to 16 hour days, and the move was not complete. I did help with all the heavy items and much of the lesser boxes and other things (all of her clothes were on hangers, so those were moved still on the hangers (3 closets full)).
I also did not care for many of those she was able to get to help. Only one other was able to work hard and lift well. I chose him for the other side of lifting as often as I could (for my, his, and the item’s benefit and simply to get it done more quickly). My mother lives several social and economic levels below myself, and it is not always comfortable (for either of us). She does not understand certain constraints I have and I do not agree that “anything goes” is just fine. Working with her can be quite frustrating. What? You do not believe in social and economic levels or differences? You are a fool. Those differences are as real and poignant as the communication difficulty between people of different IQ levels. Some of each of those is choice, some is not.
I suppose I rejected my mother’s choices before I graduated and moved away. She has never had an interest or aptitude for my choices. (I am not quite academic, I refute much of that, not quite religious as I am ignorant (though I am trying and learning), not quite rich (if not poor), but I am not a hick… at all, I am not sure where I fit, but I do know where I do not fit.) Still, I do love my mother, and I take her as she is (if I choose to have little or nothing to do with most of those with whom she chooses to associate). It is difficult. Difficulty engenders growth though, I think. I am hoping she will enter the Church and find her way (if she has not, though I do not think she has… yet, if I do believe she is seeking to a degree). Now, I know my way may never be her way (and possibly should not be as I can be wrong), I know there is a better way for her (and me). So, as I seek, I try to encourage her to seek. To that end, I have bought things for her to read (things I read, and some things more geared toward her ways as I understand them).
Still, I was able to work very hard and I did a very great deal of work. The other workers were there part time, while I was there full time, plus she had me do other things after everyone else left. None of the others worked more than one day, while I worked each. She is my mother though, and I did promise. I really was happy to do work, and for her, but I was very disappointed that she was not prepared for the move. She had several weeks (at least) to pack and move some of the lesser boxes. If she had packed two boxes a day and moved two more small boxes toward a central area, with the number of workers we had and over the time we had them, her move could have been completed in two days.
By the third day, I was shot. Still, I was able to do one more load and to help her sort boxes, set up her house a bit, and do some running. That last load I did myself, both packing and unpacking two open interior SUVs. If the material was just boxes and clothes, the filled the back ends of both vehicles. The temperature was in the high 80’s to low 90’s with humidity between 57% and Lots%. I am bruised, scratched, and a bit sore. But, it is done, for me, unless she calls and I find that I have nothing on my schedule (yes, I said I would return if she needed me). She still has to figure out how to get the last of her move completed, but that is the price for being unprepared.
I did make it to Church today, to the Latin Mass. But I was not there in time to be an usher. I am quite disappointed, if the whole idea that I would usher this weekend itself was a mistake. I had indicated I would be here next Sunday, but the man I was in contact with this did not understand. So, I had to return earlier than I would have from helping my Mom move (though 3 days was enough). I could check my email at my Mom’s, but I could not respond and let him know. I am going to ask, one more time, that he forgive and give me another chance. Though I plan to begin working out again, that is quite different from 9 hour plus days of harder manual labor. I am thinking, if I can wake up that is, that swimming and working out will be like vacation after this last week. Plus, I will be in air conditioned places while I work out.
Yes, I will begin swimming again tomorrow. I am not sure how to sleep enough or how I will be able to wake up in time, but I will do my best. My ability to follow my schedule still seems problematic, so I will just do what I can. But some things really are pushing me on. My chest is now muscle. There is some fat, but it will not be confused with “man boobs” anymore. I still need to buy some fitting underwear too. And though I weigh 300, I am no longer the same 300. This is going to be a slow process, even with these gains and signs I realize all I will get is small improvements over months and years. If I can even get back to a decent physique, it will be from years of fairly consistent work. If it turns out I cannot get to a fine body again, I will definitely be able to become much stronger, much more fit, and gain a bit better tone and muscular mass.
You know, even though I cannot do everything I hope, that I have to work with those I do not wish to work with, and that nothing happens fast enough, I am enjoying my changing world. I like to work, I thought I did and now I know. I enjoy being useful and welcome. I love being with people. And I like some of the challenges involved with it all. All the bad included into it, life is so much grander when I leave my cave and venture forth. I hope my grumpy nature is not all that people see coming (though I like people to know I have a need for personal space and that I have high expectations and real moral and ethical limits). My prudishness is not how I wish to be known (though I am hoping a sense of personal propriety and humility is conveyed). I hope that I am not seen as a spoil-sport (though I want people to know drug abuse (including excessive alcohol use), and other illegal and immoral behavior, is not welcome in my presence). Yes, it is a tightrope walk, but… *get them off me* and *do not touch me* have their place with “be welcome” and “how may I help you?”.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Just Vote NO
.
.
This was my plan when John McCain became the Republican nominee. Obomber was never in the running for me, his overt socialist, to say the least, political views are a non-starter here. Yet McCain is only a shade lighter in that area. He has supported an encroachment upon free speech, he has chosen the middle ground regarding the judiciary (which usually ends up meaning liberal), he has never been a supporter of the 2nd amendment, he has never supported the pro-life movement, and he is antagonistic toward conservatives and conservativism.
I have always felt that the service was and is the socialism created so the rest of us need not live like that. There is an egalitarianism in the ranks, which actually was functional until women became a part of the services. No, Nancy cannot do 10 day forced marches through hell, then fight, then keep on going. No, Suzy cannot lift Billy, even if he lost a limb or two, and run him 200 yards to safety, then go back for others, under fire or not. So, even that is now lost. The military has been watered down, but that is for another time. McCain came from the “old military”. He was classically trained, with a military and social expectation from a more conservative military functioning. Every general we have allowed to create a government in a conquered territory has created a socialism (of varying quality). Japan is now, and probably always will be a socialism (until the Democrats allow not only Taiwan but even Japan to fall under China’s rule, and yes they would allow it to happen, perhaps sending one aircraft carrier task force to go and be swallowed up before peeing their panties and running to the French). Germany, Italy, and the rest, socialisms, created by generals.
McCain is of this station and nature. He should never be allowed to be president. As a fact, his leftism as a Republican will do more harm than the leftism from his opponent. His election, were it to happen, would all but guarantee Hitlary would win in 2012 (to that end, her apparatchik are helping McCain, they do not think he will live to 2012 and it would be a rare thing for a vice president to go on to be president in such a case). I see Juan, from NPR, bashing Obomber. I see other leftists slamming Obomber. And I see these very Clintonistas using race, and harshly, pushing it hard and often. I am amazed at how brazen they are. Of course, they know they are “untouchable” on that account.
No, let the leftists ruin the hopes they have offered. Obomber has promised, so far, 1 trillion dollars to “help the poor around the world”. He has a 1 trillion domestic agenda, to “help our poor”. And, he has a plan to “ensure all Americans”. How much do you think even half of that would cost? How much do you make? If you make $40k (and are single) or $60K as a couple, or more, you are a rich bastard according to Dems and you are going to get SOAKED. You are about to get hurt, hard! America can come back from a leftist assault, so long as the voting apparatus itself is not too damaged in that time (though it is a serious risk, socialisms this hard are often vote once type of things). There will be a price to pay, but it is, in my opinion, better to cede to their idiocy rather than to prove ours by electing this milquetoast leftist called McCain.
Oddly, I am hearing much of the same from the other side of the isle. There are many disaffected democrats. Obomber is NOT the one. Black, green, whatever, they do not like him here. Oddly, though, the difference, politically, between Hitlery and Obomber is nil. I really wonder how many of my “fairer minded” co-nationalists are actual racists, feminists, or both? Quite a few, as I gather it. Still, let them be leftists, let our party leadership get swept out with the trash they have tried to feed us in presenting McDemocrat as our nominee. I will be voting “No”.
.
This was my plan when John McCain became the Republican nominee. Obomber was never in the running for me, his overt socialist, to say the least, political views are a non-starter here. Yet McCain is only a shade lighter in that area. He has supported an encroachment upon free speech, he has chosen the middle ground regarding the judiciary (which usually ends up meaning liberal), he has never been a supporter of the 2nd amendment, he has never supported the pro-life movement, and he is antagonistic toward conservatives and conservativism.
I have always felt that the service was and is the socialism created so the rest of us need not live like that. There is an egalitarianism in the ranks, which actually was functional until women became a part of the services. No, Nancy cannot do 10 day forced marches through hell, then fight, then keep on going. No, Suzy cannot lift Billy, even if he lost a limb or two, and run him 200 yards to safety, then go back for others, under fire or not. So, even that is now lost. The military has been watered down, but that is for another time. McCain came from the “old military”. He was classically trained, with a military and social expectation from a more conservative military functioning. Every general we have allowed to create a government in a conquered territory has created a socialism (of varying quality). Japan is now, and probably always will be a socialism (until the Democrats allow not only Taiwan but even Japan to fall under China’s rule, and yes they would allow it to happen, perhaps sending one aircraft carrier task force to go and be swallowed up before peeing their panties and running to the French). Germany, Italy, and the rest, socialisms, created by generals.
McCain is of this station and nature. He should never be allowed to be president. As a fact, his leftism as a Republican will do more harm than the leftism from his opponent. His election, were it to happen, would all but guarantee Hitlary would win in 2012 (to that end, her apparatchik are helping McCain, they do not think he will live to 2012 and it would be a rare thing for a vice president to go on to be president in such a case). I see Juan, from NPR, bashing Obomber. I see other leftists slamming Obomber. And I see these very Clintonistas using race, and harshly, pushing it hard and often. I am amazed at how brazen they are. Of course, they know they are “untouchable” on that account.
No, let the leftists ruin the hopes they have offered. Obomber has promised, so far, 1 trillion dollars to “help the poor around the world”. He has a 1 trillion domestic agenda, to “help our poor”. And, he has a plan to “ensure all Americans”. How much do you think even half of that would cost? How much do you make? If you make $40k (and are single) or $60K as a couple, or more, you are a rich bastard according to Dems and you are going to get SOAKED. You are about to get hurt, hard! America can come back from a leftist assault, so long as the voting apparatus itself is not too damaged in that time (though it is a serious risk, socialisms this hard are often vote once type of things). There will be a price to pay, but it is, in my opinion, better to cede to their idiocy rather than to prove ours by electing this milquetoast leftist called McCain.
Oddly, I am hearing much of the same from the other side of the isle. There are many disaffected democrats. Obomber is NOT the one. Black, green, whatever, they do not like him here. Oddly, though, the difference, politically, between Hitlery and Obomber is nil. I really wonder how many of my “fairer minded” co-nationalists are actual racists, feminists, or both? Quite a few, as I gather it. Still, let them be leftists, let our party leadership get swept out with the trash they have tried to feed us in presenting McDemocrat as our nominee. I will be voting “No”.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Seeking Heaven on Earth?
.
.
Many of us seek to inculcate Heaven, here on terra firma. We work to bring God and his wisdom to ourselves, to our communities, to our Church, and from our Church. We work hard to try to be right, if we often fail to expand that more than in a minor way. Sometimes we win, in a big way. Sometimes we win even when it would seem we have lost. By developing and maintaining freedoms, we allow sin yet also allow for personal and true goodness and other real freely given charities.
There are others who wish to enforce charity through taxation. There are those who wish to restrict freedom in order to mandate goodness, but a goodness minus God. There are those who believe we should not think for ourselves and believe they, and the government they are in or support, should be the arbiters of good and evil. It never works. It never has. It never will. There are many signs. By their fruits shall they be known. As well, there are other signs.
California, one of the worst places in America, barring the inner city regions, is beginning to show what it is, what is supports, and where it is leading the citizens. Here is what they are perpetuating in that state, or a very good sign of it.
I will be away for a bit. My Mother needs some help moving, so I am away, finally. I was supposed to be there yesterday (though today would also be good, according to her). I had pressing things here and I am still moving slowly, so, today it is. I have a few things to do when I get back, some of you know, and I will try to be prompt. Take care, and... watch out. God speaks in many tongues, sometimes in tongues of flame!
.
Many of us seek to inculcate Heaven, here on terra firma. We work to bring God and his wisdom to ourselves, to our communities, to our Church, and from our Church. We work hard to try to be right, if we often fail to expand that more than in a minor way. Sometimes we win, in a big way. Sometimes we win even when it would seem we have lost. By developing and maintaining freedoms, we allow sin yet also allow for personal and true goodness and other real freely given charities.
There are others who wish to enforce charity through taxation. There are those who wish to restrict freedom in order to mandate goodness, but a goodness minus God. There are those who believe we should not think for ourselves and believe they, and the government they are in or support, should be the arbiters of good and evil. It never works. It never has. It never will. There are many signs. By their fruits shall they be known. As well, there are other signs.
California, one of the worst places in America, barring the inner city regions, is beginning to show what it is, what is supports, and where it is leading the citizens. Here is what they are perpetuating in that state, or a very good sign of it.
I will be away for a bit. My Mother needs some help moving, so I am away, finally. I was supposed to be there yesterday (though today would also be good, according to her). I had pressing things here and I am still moving slowly, so, today it is. I have a few things to do when I get back, some of you know, and I will try to be prompt. Take care, and... watch out. God speaks in many tongues, sometimes in tongues of flame!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Another animal.
.
.
Today, while sitting outside, thinking about life and nothing and whatever, I was approached by an animal. It looked at me from about 10 yards away. I have seen them come that close before, so I thought nothing of it and I went back to thinking or not. It came closer, then closer still. Odd, it is a wild animal. I have never seen one act like this. Finally, it was just a few feet away. I was not sure about this. It finally came up to my feet and looked at me a moment. Then, without rhyme or reason, it hopped off. If it becomes regular, I might have to keep carrots or celery with me. Some animals are fine to share my space with, some are not. Bears need not apply.
.
Today, while sitting outside, thinking about life and nothing and whatever, I was approached by an animal. It looked at me from about 10 yards away. I have seen them come that close before, so I thought nothing of it and I went back to thinking or not. It came closer, then closer still. Odd, it is a wild animal. I have never seen one act like this. Finally, it was just a few feet away. I was not sure about this. It finally came up to my feet and looked at me a moment. Then, without rhyme or reason, it hopped off. If it becomes regular, I might have to keep carrots or celery with me. Some animals are fine to share my space with, some are not. Bears need not apply.
For the soldiers, against the war? That is a lie.
.
.
I keep hearing about people who are for the soldiers. They love “their boys” and just want them safe. They want there to be no war and they do not see a need for war, perhaps ever. Yes, there were people who thought we should not get involved in World War I or II. There are people who believe the Civil War was wrong. And, I believe that mistakes lead to some wars, other wars are created by people who will have it no other way. Quite often, wars started by the latter could have been canceled if the world had shown a backbone. In any case, you cannot be for the soldiers but against the war.
In our traditions, our laws, and our Western (used to be shared) understandings, anything that actively or passively causes untimely death must either be religiously or governmentally allowed in order for the action which caused the death not to be murder. Barring that, all actions which cause untimely death are murders. Further, those who commit those acts are murders. There can be no historical or legal doubt. So, if you are against the war and believe it to be wrong, you believe the people who are acting on those orders to be wrong, and as such, you must convict.
If you believe the war is wrong, immoral, and illegal, then you believe our soldiers are murders. You have no place to go with it, except into some world of denial of right and wrong where only what you think matters and what you think is not based on logic, truth, law, history, or facts. You must convict. Do you like that idea? Perhaps yes, perhaps no, I think some of you do. Those of you who do not like that, understand, it is what it is. You have choices, make them wisely, but do not then cry when the choices put you up as hanging judges.
I have no problem with this. I am for these wars. I have no doubt that they are a correct reaction and further actions. I also think they are unfortunate. With the right people in the White House, these issues could and should have been tended quietly and quickly. Though, nothing is sure. Perhaps this would have been the end result, if later, in any case. I believe the people our soldiers are killing deserve the sentence handed down by our government and am happy to see it completed. I will always regret the losses in our military ranks, if I have some great pride to know there are still men who can and will face death (and most usually win, and when allowed to do their job, complete the task).
.
I keep hearing about people who are for the soldiers. They love “their boys” and just want them safe. They want there to be no war and they do not see a need for war, perhaps ever. Yes, there were people who thought we should not get involved in World War I or II. There are people who believe the Civil War was wrong. And, I believe that mistakes lead to some wars, other wars are created by people who will have it no other way. Quite often, wars started by the latter could have been canceled if the world had shown a backbone. In any case, you cannot be for the soldiers but against the war.
In our traditions, our laws, and our Western (used to be shared) understandings, anything that actively or passively causes untimely death must either be religiously or governmentally allowed in order for the action which caused the death not to be murder. Barring that, all actions which cause untimely death are murders. Further, those who commit those acts are murders. There can be no historical or legal doubt. So, if you are against the war and believe it to be wrong, you believe the people who are acting on those orders to be wrong, and as such, you must convict.
If you believe the war is wrong, immoral, and illegal, then you believe our soldiers are murders. You have no place to go with it, except into some world of denial of right and wrong where only what you think matters and what you think is not based on logic, truth, law, history, or facts. You must convict. Do you like that idea? Perhaps yes, perhaps no, I think some of you do. Those of you who do not like that, understand, it is what it is. You have choices, make them wisely, but do not then cry when the choices put you up as hanging judges.
I have no problem with this. I am for these wars. I have no doubt that they are a correct reaction and further actions. I also think they are unfortunate. With the right people in the White House, these issues could and should have been tended quietly and quickly. Though, nothing is sure. Perhaps this would have been the end result, if later, in any case. I believe the people our soldiers are killing deserve the sentence handed down by our government and am happy to see it completed. I will always regret the losses in our military ranks, if I have some great pride to know there are still men who can and will face death (and most usually win, and when allowed to do their job, complete the task).
Monday, August 4, 2008
I have met it.
.
.
The animal that is. He is an ex-con. He will be a problem as long as certain situations continue. The good thing is that once I saw him, I knew the deal and will deal with it. He, on the other hand, knew what I am, almost instinctively? He wants nothing to do with me and my a.o. He really does not. I happened to overhear some of what he said. I think he will avoid me as much as he can. And, that is best. I have only ever known one ex-con I ended up trusting, and liking, for the most part and within certain constraints. He will never be like that one, he does what he does, his prison time was just a cost of his lifestyle, nothing more. I am also pleased with another realization, I am far more animal than this one and we both know that score. He does not know how to kill, not immediately, not unarmed, probably not even very efficiently with arms. I realize, now, some things are never forgotten. I immediately knew three ways to kill when he presented himself, to my initial surprise.
Sometimes I hate that. It is confining to be something, especially something dark. There are memories that elude, but poison my dreams and thoughts. But, at times like this, it is good to be me. I am pleased to not be under a gun. It is nice to be recognized and to have an understanding. I will sleep better. The dream was worse than the reality. Perhaps I can begin carrying on. Oh, yes, I do sleep lightly, no worries there. Goodnight.
.
The animal that is. He is an ex-con. He will be a problem as long as certain situations continue. The good thing is that once I saw him, I knew the deal and will deal with it. He, on the other hand, knew what I am, almost instinctively? He wants nothing to do with me and my a.o. He really does not. I happened to overhear some of what he said. I think he will avoid me as much as he can. And, that is best. I have only ever known one ex-con I ended up trusting, and liking, for the most part and within certain constraints. He will never be like that one, he does what he does, his prison time was just a cost of his lifestyle, nothing more. I am also pleased with another realization, I am far more animal than this one and we both know that score. He does not know how to kill, not immediately, not unarmed, probably not even very efficiently with arms. I realize, now, some things are never forgotten. I immediately knew three ways to kill when he presented himself, to my initial surprise.
Sometimes I hate that. It is confining to be something, especially something dark. There are memories that elude, but poison my dreams and thoughts. But, at times like this, it is good to be me. I am pleased to not be under a gun. It is nice to be recognized and to have an understanding. I will sleep better. The dream was worse than the reality. Perhaps I can begin carrying on. Oh, yes, I do sleep lightly, no worries there. Goodnight.
Broodings, malaise, and patience.
.
.
I have not been working out. I had to take a week off, I thought because of the heat. It seems that, though the weather may be a factor, I am shot. It may also have something to do with the amount I was doing and how quickly I was adding things to my regimen. The truth, however, is that I have fallen into that black hole. It is as much mind as body, I am crippled. On the up side, I am doing more in my crippled state than I ever have before. I am still able to do some things, and my body is quite capable of physical exertion. My ability to concentrate, to do things I need to do, and to do things I want to do is limited, greatly.
Though I was able to help with that move, in the heat, in the humidity, and for what ended up being 9 hours was proof that I have some much greater endurance and strength, that I could not wake up for the Latin Mass was a terrible disappointment. It is not just that morning, either. That I am not able to awaken in the mornings or sleep at night (or sometimes much at all) so that I had to stay up the night before just to be there to do the work, that I cannot get to my workouts or swimming, that I cannot take care of my business, and that it takes days to simply go see a movie I want to see is a problem. What is weird though is that, in the week of inactivity since I last measured, my arm has gained another half inch in size.
As I remembered it, it seems still to be true. My body is able to build at a, to me, amazing pace. I have stretch marks on my arms from my first push into extreme physical fitness. I was pushing it, and in my late teens and early 20’s I could. But I was not pushing it unreasonably according to myself or others. I just have one of those metabolisms. I am growing even though I am not eating properly. When my nurse visited today, she did indicate she will hook me up, or try to do so, with a dietician at the V.A. With the right foods and proper exercise (it will be coming back, very soon hopefully), I could explode. This is something I need to take care with as well. I do not want more stretch marks.
I am not sure where I go from here though. I am recalculating my workouts. I will maintain the swimming as I have it set (when I get back to it). But I will be going slower with weight training weight increases. I need to begin using the ab-machine, and I will. I will also add the weight vest for my walks, using only 50 pounds at first, then adding 10 pound blocks of weights as that gets better. But, I have to break through this accidental transcendentalism. I know, I said I believed I was through with that. And, really, comparatively, I am. I am not completely out of it as I enter into it this time. It would be more comparable to a shallow rather than a deep dive. Having worked out seems to have helped.
But what makes me dive? Is it the pushing, the heat, the upcoming demands, the requirements of life itself, or is it just something that happens? Is it punishment for my sins? Is it my body taking a break when I do not give it enough rest? Is it my mind taking a time out to consider my situation? Why this thing. It eats me. Even in this shallow dive, I am rather limited. I push and push and get little if that is more than ever before. I want, will, choose, and still so little. I do pray, in a general way. Imagine waking up and not being able to move. Now, I can move, but I cannot do what I have planned. What is this morass of nothingness? The beast awakens in these times.
The beast, I have not spoken of it in some time. It is the creature within, the animal created when I could no longer function. It was created so that I did not consciously need to be aware and my corpse could still function to allow me to live when my situation became... critical. It was created when I had seen too much, been hurt too badly, or was too far past normal capacity to carry on, but my will to live, or God’s will, would not allow me to die. I was able to function in dark times that way, temporarily, until I lost myself in that, becoming unable to relax, become human again, and just live. I feared it, for many years, and for many reasons. With a little (lot) of help, I came to understand this thing, mostly. I even communicate with it, as one might with an animal, like a pet, no… a pet like creature but of equal not lower status (which means, in it’s area, it has dominion and still). Now I no longer get completely lost in my mind when it is brought to the fore by whatever triggers it. I understand it, and it trusts me not to come unglued in the face of dark things. I know, now, it is not evil. It is not cruel, it has no actual malice, it does not steal, cheat, lie, or lust. It is purely animal and only means to keep me breathing. It will only fight if backed in a corner, figuratively or literally. But in war, it will create a pile of corpses, and if still stuck by circumstances, it will eat those corpses to sustain itself, me. It still has not allowed me to access why it was created. I have dark thoughts and memories, but these could not be. But something is there. Lots of somethings, bones rattling all night long even as suppressed memories, more so in the past, but that has never quite gone away.
I have been dreaming lately. I feel as if something is coming, something animal, to this area. I do not know if it is coming for me. In my weakened state, a battle would be difficult. A fight with something like that would be costly. I hope it is not coming for me, not yet. There are other ghastly visions of the future, but this is closer, nearer, sooner. If it must be, then so be it. I can almost smell it. It is someone’s beast which turned inside out and ate it’s owner man. It has a purpose. It is why Nietzsche believed some of what he did and yet it embodies the real noble beast ideal, disproving socialism’s faux claim to being able to develop such a being. It is closing. Probably just something I ate, but, it makes a good story while I am waiting to recover and restart.
.
I have not been working out. I had to take a week off, I thought because of the heat. It seems that, though the weather may be a factor, I am shot. It may also have something to do with the amount I was doing and how quickly I was adding things to my regimen. The truth, however, is that I have fallen into that black hole. It is as much mind as body, I am crippled. On the up side, I am doing more in my crippled state than I ever have before. I am still able to do some things, and my body is quite capable of physical exertion. My ability to concentrate, to do things I need to do, and to do things I want to do is limited, greatly.
Though I was able to help with that move, in the heat, in the humidity, and for what ended up being 9 hours was proof that I have some much greater endurance and strength, that I could not wake up for the Latin Mass was a terrible disappointment. It is not just that morning, either. That I am not able to awaken in the mornings or sleep at night (or sometimes much at all) so that I had to stay up the night before just to be there to do the work, that I cannot get to my workouts or swimming, that I cannot take care of my business, and that it takes days to simply go see a movie I want to see is a problem. What is weird though is that, in the week of inactivity since I last measured, my arm has gained another half inch in size.
As I remembered it, it seems still to be true. My body is able to build at a, to me, amazing pace. I have stretch marks on my arms from my first push into extreme physical fitness. I was pushing it, and in my late teens and early 20’s I could. But I was not pushing it unreasonably according to myself or others. I just have one of those metabolisms. I am growing even though I am not eating properly. When my nurse visited today, she did indicate she will hook me up, or try to do so, with a dietician at the V.A. With the right foods and proper exercise (it will be coming back, very soon hopefully), I could explode. This is something I need to take care with as well. I do not want more stretch marks.
I am not sure where I go from here though. I am recalculating my workouts. I will maintain the swimming as I have it set (when I get back to it). But I will be going slower with weight training weight increases. I need to begin using the ab-machine, and I will. I will also add the weight vest for my walks, using only 50 pounds at first, then adding 10 pound blocks of weights as that gets better. But, I have to break through this accidental transcendentalism. I know, I said I believed I was through with that. And, really, comparatively, I am. I am not completely out of it as I enter into it this time. It would be more comparable to a shallow rather than a deep dive. Having worked out seems to have helped.
But what makes me dive? Is it the pushing, the heat, the upcoming demands, the requirements of life itself, or is it just something that happens? Is it punishment for my sins? Is it my body taking a break when I do not give it enough rest? Is it my mind taking a time out to consider my situation? Why this thing. It eats me. Even in this shallow dive, I am rather limited. I push and push and get little if that is more than ever before. I want, will, choose, and still so little. I do pray, in a general way. Imagine waking up and not being able to move. Now, I can move, but I cannot do what I have planned. What is this morass of nothingness? The beast awakens in these times.
The beast, I have not spoken of it in some time. It is the creature within, the animal created when I could no longer function. It was created so that I did not consciously need to be aware and my corpse could still function to allow me to live when my situation became... critical. It was created when I had seen too much, been hurt too badly, or was too far past normal capacity to carry on, but my will to live, or God’s will, would not allow me to die. I was able to function in dark times that way, temporarily, until I lost myself in that, becoming unable to relax, become human again, and just live. I feared it, for many years, and for many reasons. With a little (lot) of help, I came to understand this thing, mostly. I even communicate with it, as one might with an animal, like a pet, no… a pet like creature but of equal not lower status (which means, in it’s area, it has dominion and still). Now I no longer get completely lost in my mind when it is brought to the fore by whatever triggers it. I understand it, and it trusts me not to come unglued in the face of dark things. I know, now, it is not evil. It is not cruel, it has no actual malice, it does not steal, cheat, lie, or lust. It is purely animal and only means to keep me breathing. It will only fight if backed in a corner, figuratively or literally. But in war, it will create a pile of corpses, and if still stuck by circumstances, it will eat those corpses to sustain itself, me. It still has not allowed me to access why it was created. I have dark thoughts and memories, but these could not be. But something is there. Lots of somethings, bones rattling all night long even as suppressed memories, more so in the past, but that has never quite gone away.
I have been dreaming lately. I feel as if something is coming, something animal, to this area. I do not know if it is coming for me. In my weakened state, a battle would be difficult. A fight with something like that would be costly. I hope it is not coming for me, not yet. There are other ghastly visions of the future, but this is closer, nearer, sooner. If it must be, then so be it. I can almost smell it. It is someone’s beast which turned inside out and ate it’s owner man. It has a purpose. It is why Nietzsche believed some of what he did and yet it embodies the real noble beast ideal, disproving socialism’s faux claim to being able to develop such a being. It is closing. Probably just something I ate, but, it makes a good story while I am waiting to recover and restart.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Hellboy and destiny.
.
.
I watched Hellboy. I enjoyed the show. It was not as good as the first, but good enough. The shows are as blockish and brutish as the star yet they convey much. I had the show pegged by the quarter mark, give or take. I have seen this story before, in different ways. At least, I have thought these things in my mind. It is all fun and games until the dark underlying theme becomes present. It casts a shadow until it is all fun and games again. The darker truth is true for all of us in a minor way, more so for a few. It is something that has bothered me since before my illness and follows me, even as I heal.
Every once in a while, a destroyer is born. This creature can harm greatly. It can heal or learn to do so, but that is not what it is about. The only true talent is destruction, perhaps more, the only purpose is obliteration. This does not mean it is cruel, though it can be cruel. This does not mean it hates, though it may hate. It does not mean anything most “peaceful” people would have it mean. As a fact, most “people of peace” are the worst of the lot, willing to surrender to evil and despise their saving destroyers. I would say that is worse.
No, crushers were born and simply do what they do. It is not a passion, but a gift or a trait or even perhaps a destiny. It is something done with little more thought than an artist gives a tube of paint or a particular easel, a pastor gives a particularly nondescript Sunday, or a barber gives to a particular head of hair. Some thought, certainly. An initial evaluation before, then during, and sometimes after the task is completed. But these thoughts are almost automatic, they come with the skill sets, and after the initial training they grow and become more creative, individual, and specific. But they are mere whispers of consideration, nuances of interpretation, non-taxing dalliances with what might have been, what is becoming, and what will be.
I am one of those. Perhaps I am no Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, or Vox Day. Yet, even in the condition I am in, granting me license in mortal combat, or even making a mistake, could be fatal. I dream it still, in the background. I smell it, feel it in others, sense the pull, and know when to be prepared for the most part. A proper hunter could approach off the radar, but if not immediately fatal, I have a means for that as well. I have even told those who risked the danger and threatened me that, should they win and “kill me”, they had best behead me. I have been back before. I have lived through what should not be lived through. Humiliation is a known, I can deal with it. Pain, suffering, and loss in all it’s connotations, are common material, having learned these beyond what some may ever understand.
And yet, some of us are called. I was called by my Father. After some not insignificant struggle, I came. After further struggle, and then a… a release, I bowed, then later kneeled, and finally surrendered. I have surrendered and won, it was the only way to lose. I did so gratefully. I am more pleased than any might understand to, once again but this time perfectly, to have a Master. I am growing in strength of body and mind. I am learning both religious and other intellectual material. I am expanding my world of friends, rekindling old friendships, and becoming a more full family member. All, of course, given to His glory and with thanks.
What this comes to, however, is a question. How can one of the Four Horsemen come to know Christ? How can War know love? How can I be what I am and be what I am called to be? Is there a choice, or is that the choice, or is there a need for a choice? Perhaps I am not 6’5”, red, with a hand of stone. Of course I have never fought foreign deities, shot a Smith & Wesson .5000 magnum, or dated lady delight. That is all, hmmm, metaphor though. My guide is St. Michael, I am a form of ruination, and I have warred more than most people, even most soldiers, ever will. I was born at war, I felt that call when young, I almost knew I think.
Anyway, the movie was so-so. Go see it if you are a fan, or bored. I think it was better than batman. There is more here than just good and bad, there is the ugly too, in more ways than one. *riddle me this* Just do not expect a lot and you will not be disappointed. Then again, maybe I am being hard on the movie because I am so chipper?
.
I watched Hellboy. I enjoyed the show. It was not as good as the first, but good enough. The shows are as blockish and brutish as the star yet they convey much. I had the show pegged by the quarter mark, give or take. I have seen this story before, in different ways. At least, I have thought these things in my mind. It is all fun and games until the dark underlying theme becomes present. It casts a shadow until it is all fun and games again. The darker truth is true for all of us in a minor way, more so for a few. It is something that has bothered me since before my illness and follows me, even as I heal.
Every once in a while, a destroyer is born. This creature can harm greatly. It can heal or learn to do so, but that is not what it is about. The only true talent is destruction, perhaps more, the only purpose is obliteration. This does not mean it is cruel, though it can be cruel. This does not mean it hates, though it may hate. It does not mean anything most “peaceful” people would have it mean. As a fact, most “people of peace” are the worst of the lot, willing to surrender to evil and despise their saving destroyers. I would say that is worse.
No, crushers were born and simply do what they do. It is not a passion, but a gift or a trait or even perhaps a destiny. It is something done with little more thought than an artist gives a tube of paint or a particular easel, a pastor gives a particularly nondescript Sunday, or a barber gives to a particular head of hair. Some thought, certainly. An initial evaluation before, then during, and sometimes after the task is completed. But these thoughts are almost automatic, they come with the skill sets, and after the initial training they grow and become more creative, individual, and specific. But they are mere whispers of consideration, nuances of interpretation, non-taxing dalliances with what might have been, what is becoming, and what will be.
I am one of those. Perhaps I am no Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, or Vox Day. Yet, even in the condition I am in, granting me license in mortal combat, or even making a mistake, could be fatal. I dream it still, in the background. I smell it, feel it in others, sense the pull, and know when to be prepared for the most part. A proper hunter could approach off the radar, but if not immediately fatal, I have a means for that as well. I have even told those who risked the danger and threatened me that, should they win and “kill me”, they had best behead me. I have been back before. I have lived through what should not be lived through. Humiliation is a known, I can deal with it. Pain, suffering, and loss in all it’s connotations, are common material, having learned these beyond what some may ever understand.
And yet, some of us are called. I was called by my Father. After some not insignificant struggle, I came. After further struggle, and then a… a release, I bowed, then later kneeled, and finally surrendered. I have surrendered and won, it was the only way to lose. I did so gratefully. I am more pleased than any might understand to, once again but this time perfectly, to have a Master. I am growing in strength of body and mind. I am learning both religious and other intellectual material. I am expanding my world of friends, rekindling old friendships, and becoming a more full family member. All, of course, given to His glory and with thanks.
What this comes to, however, is a question. How can one of the Four Horsemen come to know Christ? How can War know love? How can I be what I am and be what I am called to be? Is there a choice, or is that the choice, or is there a need for a choice? Perhaps I am not 6’5”, red, with a hand of stone. Of course I have never fought foreign deities, shot a Smith & Wesson .5000 magnum, or dated lady delight. That is all, hmmm, metaphor though. My guide is St. Michael, I am a form of ruination, and I have warred more than most people, even most soldiers, ever will. I was born at war, I felt that call when young, I almost knew I think.
Anyway, the movie was so-so. Go see it if you are a fan, or bored. I think it was better than batman. There is more here than just good and bad, there is the ugly too, in more ways than one. *riddle me this* Just do not expect a lot and you will not be disappointed. Then again, maybe I am being hard on the movie because I am so chipper?
Not bad.
.
.
I helped move a man whose apartment was flooded. It took him a while to find a place, he had to wait until he could get back into his apartment anyway. Between the two, he could not move until today. He was staying with a someone, thankfully, until this move. And, he will be staying with this new friend until Monday as the central air in his new place is down until then. The woman who allowed him to stay was quite generous. Though she knew him, she did not know him quite that well. It is amazing what people have done for others during this flood.
We ended up having enough people to do the move, though it was a rather large task. Iowa weather, in early August, is exactly what one might suspect. I do not know the temperature or humidity, actually, just that it was high and high. I did well, physically. Though I think I will try and drink more water when doing such things, and I have a Camelbak which should help with that. I was able to work full time, taking short breaks every half hour or so, incorporating the rest in moving boxes from the inner van to the rear hatch or waiting for another to do so. I was pleased with my change in capacity.
Tomorrow I will be going to Latin Mass, but I will be there well before the mass. We are going to have another practice ahead of the Mass. After forty years of not doing this particular type of Mass, it is taking some practice. For those who are not familiar, the Mass (of any type) is actually considered to be an hour long group prayer and celebration (as I have been told). Though there are parts of the process, such as the homily, the readings (from the Old Testament, usually the Psalms or it might be incorporated into song or chant, and the New Testament), the Eucharist, and such, the whole is considered combined as a ritualistic and actual prayer. I am quite excited to be a part of this particular change in the church and some of the people who seem to be interested in this change.
I will be leaving Tuesday to help my Mom move. I am having much more confidence in my ability to help her. She has said she is ready for the move, having most things packed and knowing what is going and where. After the move today, and though she will most likely have more to be moved, having her to guide makes the process more comfortable to me. I will need to try and keep her from lifting! She is a force to be reckoned with, she likes to get things done, and she just does not understand her limits. Though and in truth, she has proven that she has fewer limits than one might suspect. In spite of that, I really do not want her working, after two back fusions, two knee replacements, and foot surgeries, it really seems as if she would be fragile. I wish I had half of her oomph.
I should sleep well tonight, and so should you, if you know what is good for you. Tomorrow I have Mass practice, then Mass, then I will be going over to see my neighbors for a long awaited social call. It is good to catch up on what has happened and maybe make some plans for future events. Though I will be gone this week there are still a few weeks when I return for fishing, hiking, picnics, or other assorted fun summer stuff. It is so good to finally be enjoying life, but more so to finally again be getting in shape to enjoy summers. This has been the first summer in 20 years I have really been able to have a great time. I will not be wasting it. It burns many calories as well!
.
I helped move a man whose apartment was flooded. It took him a while to find a place, he had to wait until he could get back into his apartment anyway. Between the two, he could not move until today. He was staying with a someone, thankfully, until this move. And, he will be staying with this new friend until Monday as the central air in his new place is down until then. The woman who allowed him to stay was quite generous. Though she knew him, she did not know him quite that well. It is amazing what people have done for others during this flood.
We ended up having enough people to do the move, though it was a rather large task. Iowa weather, in early August, is exactly what one might suspect. I do not know the temperature or humidity, actually, just that it was high and high. I did well, physically. Though I think I will try and drink more water when doing such things, and I have a Camelbak which should help with that. I was able to work full time, taking short breaks every half hour or so, incorporating the rest in moving boxes from the inner van to the rear hatch or waiting for another to do so. I was pleased with my change in capacity.
Tomorrow I will be going to Latin Mass, but I will be there well before the mass. We are going to have another practice ahead of the Mass. After forty years of not doing this particular type of Mass, it is taking some practice. For those who are not familiar, the Mass (of any type) is actually considered to be an hour long group prayer and celebration (as I have been told). Though there are parts of the process, such as the homily, the readings (from the Old Testament, usually the Psalms or it might be incorporated into song or chant, and the New Testament), the Eucharist, and such, the whole is considered combined as a ritualistic and actual prayer. I am quite excited to be a part of this particular change in the church and some of the people who seem to be interested in this change.
I will be leaving Tuesday to help my Mom move. I am having much more confidence in my ability to help her. She has said she is ready for the move, having most things packed and knowing what is going and where. After the move today, and though she will most likely have more to be moved, having her to guide makes the process more comfortable to me. I will need to try and keep her from lifting! She is a force to be reckoned with, she likes to get things done, and she just does not understand her limits. Though and in truth, she has proven that she has fewer limits than one might suspect. In spite of that, I really do not want her working, after two back fusions, two knee replacements, and foot surgeries, it really seems as if she would be fragile. I wish I had half of her oomph.
I should sleep well tonight, and so should you, if you know what is good for you. Tomorrow I have Mass practice, then Mass, then I will be going over to see my neighbors for a long awaited social call. It is good to catch up on what has happened and maybe make some plans for future events. Though I will be gone this week there are still a few weeks when I return for fishing, hiking, picnics, or other assorted fun summer stuff. It is so good to finally be enjoying life, but more so to finally again be getting in shape to enjoy summers. This has been the first summer in 20 years I have really been able to have a great time. I will not be wasting it. It burns many calories as well!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Wardrobe malfunction.
.
.
It does happen, and sometimes it is an actual malfunction. I had hoped to see results but I had not quite expected one quite this quickly. It is my underwear. Though I can tighten my belt, tuck my shirts a bit further in, and do these things without noticing or thinking about them, having my shorts fall off under my pants had lead me to the conclusion that I am really losing some size. I will have to buy new, and quickly, before I have something really embarrassing happen. What that could be I do not even want to think about. I hate shopping for these items in particular, however. Each company has a different size, and what I like is an odd fit anyway. I may have to buy some inexpensive temporary skivvies until I can sort this out.
The dread queen left, shortly after waking up. It seems she slept quite well. She was almost chipper when I too arose from my “nap” and came out to see. We had thought about having dinner together. She decided to go to her house to finish waking up. I think she does that in a coffee and placement ritual type of thing. I understand that. At first I thought her battery had not charged. She doubts me, continuously, so this bothered me. I checked the machine itself, it did not look to have charged. I came back in to get the keys and her doubts and anger surfaced. It was fantastic to find, when I tried the ignition, that not only did the truck start but that the battery showed as fully charged. Upon diagnosing the situation, I realized that the charger is also a jump-starter and has a battery itself. The indicator lights that show on the device only indicate whether the internal battery is charged. It was good to dash her hopes of my failure.
Swimming and working out again tomorrow. Plus, I will be trying out the ab-machine for the first time. I am actually sore today. Working out itself usually manages the aches though and oddly. I think I just did too much too quickly Monday. I think I will be able to do most of my other tasks, if I can stay awake and stay on track. Though it is late, I did nap. And I have a strong incentive to get up for the 6:00 swim, Monday was very tough. Until I get things arranged and become much more solid it behooves me to follow the regimen closely. I am looking forward to it though.
Goodnight, sleep well, and I hope you do well in your efforts.
.
It does happen, and sometimes it is an actual malfunction. I had hoped to see results but I had not quite expected one quite this quickly. It is my underwear. Though I can tighten my belt, tuck my shirts a bit further in, and do these things without noticing or thinking about them, having my shorts fall off under my pants had lead me to the conclusion that I am really losing some size. I will have to buy new, and quickly, before I have something really embarrassing happen. What that could be I do not even want to think about. I hate shopping for these items in particular, however. Each company has a different size, and what I like is an odd fit anyway. I may have to buy some inexpensive temporary skivvies until I can sort this out.
The dread queen left, shortly after waking up. It seems she slept quite well. She was almost chipper when I too arose from my “nap” and came out to see. We had thought about having dinner together. She decided to go to her house to finish waking up. I think she does that in a coffee and placement ritual type of thing. I understand that. At first I thought her battery had not charged. She doubts me, continuously, so this bothered me. I checked the machine itself, it did not look to have charged. I came back in to get the keys and her doubts and anger surfaced. It was fantastic to find, when I tried the ignition, that not only did the truck start but that the battery showed as fully charged. Upon diagnosing the situation, I realized that the charger is also a jump-starter and has a battery itself. The indicator lights that show on the device only indicate whether the internal battery is charged. It was good to dash her hopes of my failure.
Swimming and working out again tomorrow. Plus, I will be trying out the ab-machine for the first time. I am actually sore today. Working out itself usually manages the aches though and oddly. I think I just did too much too quickly Monday. I think I will be able to do most of my other tasks, if I can stay awake and stay on track. Though it is late, I did nap. And I have a strong incentive to get up for the 6:00 swim, Monday was very tough. Until I get things arranged and become much more solid it behooves me to follow the regimen closely. I am looking forward to it though.
Goodnight, sleep well, and I hope you do well in your efforts.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tired, but working.
.
.
Though quite tired today, I was able to get some of that which I needed to do completed. I ended up doing more work than planned, of a physical nature, but it was light and spread out over a number of tasks. I was able to get my friend’s vehicle going and I have the battery charging now. She is doing laundry and napping. She despises my central air, but even she has limits. At 97 F with high humidity, and her being tired from lack of sleep in this heat already this week, she needed sleep, so while doing laundry, she is resting in my cave. The couch mind you, she is a friend. I plan to take a nap myself, in my big comfy bed! She sleeps on a mat in her place, disliking even regular beds! Oh well, liberals, of the naturalist order, serve their purposes, I guess.
I was able to do a number of things on my lists, though not so many as I had hoped. I do not think the QoD is the problem. Actually, that she needed assistance was a boon in this regard. And more, she took a look around the place and understood that I am in a fix. Though she will not, exactly, clean, she did help remove some boxes, take out some trash, and a few other things. Actually, she did quite a lot. And, I helped as I was able. I know, it seems I could just do these things but… I cannot. Is it maleness or something else I wonder? I am, to some degrees, feral… I am also disassociative to the point of not understanding the physicality of the world around me to some extent, an extent that depends on many factors at any given time.
I am more pleased with how things are going this week, to this point. But there is so much more to do. I remain very tired, yet I will push through this as much as I am able. My medicine really seems to have started to fail a bit. It is not waking me in the mornings, as it had. Perhaps it adds something somewhere and allows me to do more but it is much more passive now. Though I thought this was a bad thing, I think it is just a new thing. It may very well mean I am healing, even if it is not always the most enjoyable of processes.
I will not try out my ab-machine until tomorrow, but I am excited. I know that it cannot, by itself, get rid of my stomach. It can help me burn calories and create muscle mass and in the right area. Along with diet, the other muscle mass I am developing and working, and time, I might get this stomach gone. I really am working out mostly for strength and appearances. This is not being done to find a wife, it might even be a little negative that way. It is purely for my own purposes. It is time.
As I help my friends, much more lately, I am finding great joy in doing this as well. Several friends have needed key help, some have needed drives and battery assistance, some will be needing me to help them move, and I am finding other ways to be helpful. And, if you were a neighbor, or even nearby, I would gladly help you if I had that chance. So many of you do and have and will help me, that it is good to be able to share it around. As well, the Christian principle is no small incentive. I try, though, not to do things “just because”. I really try to do the right things as a means of enjoying life, sharing work, and pleasing my God but not onerously… simply, humbly, fumblingly at times, but personally and willfully. I want anything I do to be done with those intentions internalized and having become a part of me. I am not sure how to say this, precisely. I guess I do not want this to be law, I want it to be a personal care. I want to please God, not mindlessly obey some absolute or other.
.
Though quite tired today, I was able to get some of that which I needed to do completed. I ended up doing more work than planned, of a physical nature, but it was light and spread out over a number of tasks. I was able to get my friend’s vehicle going and I have the battery charging now. She is doing laundry and napping. She despises my central air, but even she has limits. At 97 F with high humidity, and her being tired from lack of sleep in this heat already this week, she needed sleep, so while doing laundry, she is resting in my cave. The couch mind you, she is a friend. I plan to take a nap myself, in my big comfy bed! She sleeps on a mat in her place, disliking even regular beds! Oh well, liberals, of the naturalist order, serve their purposes, I guess.
I was able to do a number of things on my lists, though not so many as I had hoped. I do not think the QoD is the problem. Actually, that she needed assistance was a boon in this regard. And more, she took a look around the place and understood that I am in a fix. Though she will not, exactly, clean, she did help remove some boxes, take out some trash, and a few other things. Actually, she did quite a lot. And, I helped as I was able. I know, it seems I could just do these things but… I cannot. Is it maleness or something else I wonder? I am, to some degrees, feral… I am also disassociative to the point of not understanding the physicality of the world around me to some extent, an extent that depends on many factors at any given time.
I am more pleased with how things are going this week, to this point. But there is so much more to do. I remain very tired, yet I will push through this as much as I am able. My medicine really seems to have started to fail a bit. It is not waking me in the mornings, as it had. Perhaps it adds something somewhere and allows me to do more but it is much more passive now. Though I thought this was a bad thing, I think it is just a new thing. It may very well mean I am healing, even if it is not always the most enjoyable of processes.
I will not try out my ab-machine until tomorrow, but I am excited. I know that it cannot, by itself, get rid of my stomach. It can help me burn calories and create muscle mass and in the right area. Along with diet, the other muscle mass I am developing and working, and time, I might get this stomach gone. I really am working out mostly for strength and appearances. This is not being done to find a wife, it might even be a little negative that way. It is purely for my own purposes. It is time.
As I help my friends, much more lately, I am finding great joy in doing this as well. Several friends have needed key help, some have needed drives and battery assistance, some will be needing me to help them move, and I am finding other ways to be helpful. And, if you were a neighbor, or even nearby, I would gladly help you if I had that chance. So many of you do and have and will help me, that it is good to be able to share it around. As well, the Christian principle is no small incentive. I try, though, not to do things “just because”. I really try to do the right things as a means of enjoying life, sharing work, and pleasing my God but not onerously… simply, humbly, fumblingly at times, but personally and willfully. I want anything I do to be done with those intentions internalized and having become a part of me. I am not sure how to say this, precisely. I guess I do not want this to be law, I want it to be a personal care. I want to please God, not mindlessly obey some absolute or other.
Working out.
.
.
Lifting weights then swimming an hour later was tight. To say it beat me up a little is the nice way to put it. But I was not done. I had to pick up the ab-machine. I got that monster home and put in the house and was just about to put it together when my lady friend called. Can you drive me to work? My truck batter either died or is down. Yeah, sure, I will be right over and I was. Though late, she usually is anyway. I have also promised to pick her up and see what we can do about her truck in the morning. I need to be up at 6:00 in order to shower and get the sludge out and then drive there. I will also keep the phone by my bed in case I do not wake up and she needs to call.
Back home, I decide to put the machine together. What a real monster it is. It is made for commercial gyms, but it will do. I know it can handle 300 pounds and vigorous use. I worked with the display and watched another big boy (but in the good way) run the machine through the numbers. I had told QoD that I would have the thing together, I think she was curious. I told her about it on the drive to work. I do not mind if she ends up using it, she is getting fat. :p That is what she thinks, silly woman. I would have used the machine right tonight, but after two official workouts and then the workout of putting it together (yes, it busted my mackerels, it was another hour workout in itself) I was simply too tired. I probably will not even use it tomorrow. I think I really need to take tomorrow off, not even a walk.
Lots of ‘administrative’ work needs doing, a few personal and social calls need to be made, the house needs to be spifified, and there is the lady friend thing. I have a load or two of laundry and clothes to get to the dry cleaners as well.
I must say, I am feeling better. I still have doubts and fears about this week but I think the prayers are helping. It is so strange, but during my afternoon swim, life just lifted a bit. What I had thought was going to be a dog day at the pool ended up being at least an average day and perhaps much better considering I was exhausted when I got there and almost cramped my first few laps. I was able to use the kickboard much better after that lifting. Yes, I do believe in prayers. I suppose that, other than to bless my meals, tell God goodnight, and ask that I be given or shown the way, have the strength and wisdom, and be grateful to do his will, the only other thing I ask for personally is a wife, and family as time goes by. All other prayer requests are for others, for the Church, for my nation, and that all nations may find a way to wisdom in governance.
I am all tuckered out. I should go on to bed, and will. Oh, I found that my alarm clock, the one I depended on to wake me up, was off. For some reason it was set for the wrong time, am/pm wise. I have reset that, and I will see if that helps. I cannot understand how that happened, unless I was trying to reset it for some reason while half asleep and hit every other button incorrectly. It could happen. Good night.
.
Lifting weights then swimming an hour later was tight. To say it beat me up a little is the nice way to put it. But I was not done. I had to pick up the ab-machine. I got that monster home and put in the house and was just about to put it together when my lady friend called. Can you drive me to work? My truck batter either died or is down. Yeah, sure, I will be right over and I was. Though late, she usually is anyway. I have also promised to pick her up and see what we can do about her truck in the morning. I need to be up at 6:00 in order to shower and get the sludge out and then drive there. I will also keep the phone by my bed in case I do not wake up and she needs to call.
Back home, I decide to put the machine together. What a real monster it is. It is made for commercial gyms, but it will do. I know it can handle 300 pounds and vigorous use. I worked with the display and watched another big boy (but in the good way) run the machine through the numbers. I had told QoD that I would have the thing together, I think she was curious. I told her about it on the drive to work. I do not mind if she ends up using it, she is getting fat. :p That is what she thinks, silly woman. I would have used the machine right tonight, but after two official workouts and then the workout of putting it together (yes, it busted my mackerels, it was another hour workout in itself) I was simply too tired. I probably will not even use it tomorrow. I think I really need to take tomorrow off, not even a walk.
Lots of ‘administrative’ work needs doing, a few personal and social calls need to be made, the house needs to be spifified, and there is the lady friend thing. I have a load or two of laundry and clothes to get to the dry cleaners as well.
I must say, I am feeling better. I still have doubts and fears about this week but I think the prayers are helping. It is so strange, but during my afternoon swim, life just lifted a bit. What I had thought was going to be a dog day at the pool ended up being at least an average day and perhaps much better considering I was exhausted when I got there and almost cramped my first few laps. I was able to use the kickboard much better after that lifting. Yes, I do believe in prayers. I suppose that, other than to bless my meals, tell God goodnight, and ask that I be given or shown the way, have the strength and wisdom, and be grateful to do his will, the only other thing I ask for personally is a wife, and family as time goes by. All other prayer requests are for others, for the Church, for my nation, and that all nations may find a way to wisdom in governance.
I am all tuckered out. I should go on to bed, and will. Oh, I found that my alarm clock, the one I depended on to wake me up, was off. For some reason it was set for the wrong time, am/pm wise. I have reset that, and I will see if that helps. I cannot understand how that happened, unless I was trying to reset it for some reason while half asleep and hit every other button incorrectly. It could happen. Good night.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Why so upset, you might ask.
.
.
I missed swimming this morning. I also did not work out last Friday evening. I could not wake up this morning, yesterday morning, or Saturday morning. I have been hard pressed to simply work out and I have been getting backlogged on everything but doctor appointments and college admittance work. My off days have been being filled with things, but nothing on my lists, often not of my choosing but it is how life goes sometimes. I am still chugging along as I can.
I worked out a lot earlier than what I usually do today in the hopes that there would be lap swimming this evening, somewhere. And there is, in about an hour. I will be able to make that up a bit, I only hope the pool is not too crowded. There is only a one hour window for evening lap swimming, so I will have to be there well early enough to get changed and try to get a lane. I can do nothing to make up the lost Friday workout, however, except to keep going.
I have done some of the backlog today, but I still have piles of work left. My house is a mess, I am exhausted, and life keeps piling up. It will do that, and for the foreseeable future, it will only get heavier, hit harder, and arrive faster. I must assume that people just get used to being suffocated by life, of suppressing their wants and even some of their needs, and just doing what they can, triaging life’s demands. Do what has to be done, then what needs to be done, then what should be done, then what could be done, then what it takes to do the job(s) absolutely as correctly as possible in the time, then take a breath? Is that life? I actually think it is much of the time.
Well, I need to get a shower, get dressed for swimming, get to the pool and swim, pick up my exercise machine, pick up some water, then put the machine together for tomorrow or Wednesday. And, sometime I am going to have to get some clothes into the dry cleaner, pick up some things for a friend, do about a dozen business and money related actions, and… Whatever comes next.
Oh, my neighbors are home! I am quite excited to see they made it back finally. They are the only neighbors I know and I like them very much. They just got home though, so they will need to rest up, eat, sort, and go through the whole thing. I know that, but as a single man. They have a small army to deal with. It is very good to see them. I might have to recruit the mister for walking or swimming. I know he is, or was, interested, but only in the mornings. Perhaps a 3 day a week walk, on my off days, or a mix of occasional walk, occasional swim, but in the early mornings. If I can get up! It is so strange what a single event can do to raise one’s spirits.
*poof*
.
I missed swimming this morning. I also did not work out last Friday evening. I could not wake up this morning, yesterday morning, or Saturday morning. I have been hard pressed to simply work out and I have been getting backlogged on everything but doctor appointments and college admittance work. My off days have been being filled with things, but nothing on my lists, often not of my choosing but it is how life goes sometimes. I am still chugging along as I can.
I worked out a lot earlier than what I usually do today in the hopes that there would be lap swimming this evening, somewhere. And there is, in about an hour. I will be able to make that up a bit, I only hope the pool is not too crowded. There is only a one hour window for evening lap swimming, so I will have to be there well early enough to get changed and try to get a lane. I can do nothing to make up the lost Friday workout, however, except to keep going.
I have done some of the backlog today, but I still have piles of work left. My house is a mess, I am exhausted, and life keeps piling up. It will do that, and for the foreseeable future, it will only get heavier, hit harder, and arrive faster. I must assume that people just get used to being suffocated by life, of suppressing their wants and even some of their needs, and just doing what they can, triaging life’s demands. Do what has to be done, then what needs to be done, then what should be done, then what could be done, then what it takes to do the job(s) absolutely as correctly as possible in the time, then take a breath? Is that life? I actually think it is much of the time.
Well, I need to get a shower, get dressed for swimming, get to the pool and swim, pick up my exercise machine, pick up some water, then put the machine together for tomorrow or Wednesday. And, sometime I am going to have to get some clothes into the dry cleaner, pick up some things for a friend, do about a dozen business and money related actions, and… Whatever comes next.
Oh, my neighbors are home! I am quite excited to see they made it back finally. They are the only neighbors I know and I like them very much. They just got home though, so they will need to rest up, eat, sort, and go through the whole thing. I know that, but as a single man. They have a small army to deal with. It is very good to see them. I might have to recruit the mister for walking or swimming. I know he is, or was, interested, but only in the mornings. Perhaps a 3 day a week walk, on my off days, or a mix of occasional walk, occasional swim, but in the early mornings. If I can get up! It is so strange what a single event can do to raise one’s spirits.
*poof*
Pushing Too Hard
.
.
I have been doing too much simply by working out. I will continue as I can, but I am not sure how this will work. I have a trick up my sleeve, but it is temporary at best and may not work. My medicine has helped me to become more active. As I have increased my activity to take up the slack, I have pulled more than what was created as slack and I am well into an area of growth that is highly resistant. I have pulled far more than my medicine will allow and my body seemingly can manage. This is where I want to be, but it is also where I am on my own. This is the make or break point. I am back in the rapids.
I am worried, and some things have shaken my confidence. I am now, after the doctor “surgically removed resistance to some degree”, having to both recover and push. Sleep is becoming demanding, and I am not sure how to escape that demand. This is not whining, it is an understanding that I am still very disabled, that I am still quite weak, and that I may have real and hard limits. Can I get past that? The Lord knows I am afraid.
I have a busy week. I have many things I have to get done and I do not want to cut my exercises. Here lies the biggest obstacle I have faced. I will see this week if I can push into classes and maintain my routines. I have about a month to get things going if this week proves poorly. I also have a doctors appointment between now and school, which has some potential to be helpful. But, this is a new doctor and a month is tight. Sticking to my guns is what I will do, even if, no when, I mess up. If you want to do something, pray for me. This is my chance, my last chance, to try and make it out of disability and into a functional healthy professional life. This is what it has all come down to. This is the time. I either walk away with the goods or I find a lesser life of “leisure” with my brokenness as a permanent form of existence. This is not my final trial by far, but have no doubts, this is one of the biggest ones.
.
I have been doing too much simply by working out. I will continue as I can, but I am not sure how this will work. I have a trick up my sleeve, but it is temporary at best and may not work. My medicine has helped me to become more active. As I have increased my activity to take up the slack, I have pulled more than what was created as slack and I am well into an area of growth that is highly resistant. I have pulled far more than my medicine will allow and my body seemingly can manage. This is where I want to be, but it is also where I am on my own. This is the make or break point. I am back in the rapids.
I am worried, and some things have shaken my confidence. I am now, after the doctor “surgically removed resistance to some degree”, having to both recover and push. Sleep is becoming demanding, and I am not sure how to escape that demand. This is not whining, it is an understanding that I am still very disabled, that I am still quite weak, and that I may have real and hard limits. Can I get past that? The Lord knows I am afraid.
I have a busy week. I have many things I have to get done and I do not want to cut my exercises. Here lies the biggest obstacle I have faced. I will see this week if I can push into classes and maintain my routines. I have about a month to get things going if this week proves poorly. I also have a doctors appointment between now and school, which has some potential to be helpful. But, this is a new doctor and a month is tight. Sticking to my guns is what I will do, even if, no when, I mess up. If you want to do something, pray for me. This is my chance, my last chance, to try and make it out of disability and into a functional healthy professional life. This is what it has all come down to. This is the time. I either walk away with the goods or I find a lesser life of “leisure” with my brokenness as a permanent form of existence. This is not my final trial by far, but have no doubts, this is one of the biggest ones.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Latin Mass
.
.
Today was a practice for the Latin Mass, which will begin next Sunday. I was running late today. I just could not wake up! I even woke early, took my medicines as that usually will bring me up to consciousness, and set the thermostat to 72 so that the cool of the house would not encourage lethargy. Last night was rather chill, however, and the system is set to use (or not) central air. I am not sure how warm the house was this morning, so that might have been part of it. My alarm rang, the first one, at about 6:30. At which time I took my medicine and turned that one off, it had served the purpose for which it was intended. The next alarm clock went off at 9:00. I had actually hoped to be up far earlier than 9:00, that was just a back-up. I hit the snooze many times, not able to function until 10:30 or so. That is a lot of beeping, let me assure you. But, I did make it, if barely, on time.
The priest was not there as something had come up. The other priest who will be involved with this service was recovering from a minor surgery. We did what we could. I was asked to be an alter boy stand-in. I had no clue what I was doing, especially in this new form of mass. However, I did what I could, listened, and tried to learn. How cool is that? For me, it was really cool. I had never had the opportunity to serve in that capacity as my brother did. I am not sure how to usher yet, still. I suppose I will follow the other ushers and learn on the job. I am not worried if a little nervous. I was fascinated by the events and I am looking forward to live fire exercises next week.
Beyond that, I made some connections. I met a few other Catholics, but Catholics who are more along my lines of belief. I must admit my hope for the Church is stronger this day. In our discussions, resources and specific and more conservative Catholic materials were recommended toward my goal of a proper Christian education and I gained strength by realizing I was with people who do care about the Church, propriety, history, sanctity, and a few other choice topics and things which are dear to my heart. As well, one of the people, a woman, mother of 6 with another on the way, and a woman who I believe is on the very right path, started asking searching and direct questions. Married? No, but looking to be so. Age. I told her. :p Want children? Many, but with a women I am sure about. She is thinking. Gack! Just because I pray for it and really want this, does not mean I… *sigh* I did ask for it. Then she said the funniest thing. She indicated that, sadly, many of the right women available are young. She wondered if a much younger wife, say, a 23 year old wife, would be too young. Of course, that saddened me greatly while I tripped over my tongue to say, well… if you insist, or something just as foolish. I hope she took that as a yes. *whistling past the graveyard of bachelorhood* or *deer in the headlights… blink… blink…*
In any case, I am pretty sure I have found a more apt community to enjoin. I think I am getting closer. Even if I never meet a 23 year old wife, I know I am going in the right direction. *laughs* I am refreshed and ready. Oh, I was able to find proper clothing, but I was a bit overdressed for the event, I think because it was a practice(?). I do believe I will wear these types of clothes to the Latin Masses themselves, however. I have this week to get the rest of my finery dry cleaned, washed, pressed, or whatever and be ready for Church next Sunday! And yes, dressing for Mass is important, if I can be childish about thing at times. Though I will continue to go Saturday in more relaxed attire, as is the mode there and then.
.
Today was a practice for the Latin Mass, which will begin next Sunday. I was running late today. I just could not wake up! I even woke early, took my medicines as that usually will bring me up to consciousness, and set the thermostat to 72 so that the cool of the house would not encourage lethargy. Last night was rather chill, however, and the system is set to use (or not) central air. I am not sure how warm the house was this morning, so that might have been part of it. My alarm rang, the first one, at about 6:30. At which time I took my medicine and turned that one off, it had served the purpose for which it was intended. The next alarm clock went off at 9:00. I had actually hoped to be up far earlier than 9:00, that was just a back-up. I hit the snooze many times, not able to function until 10:30 or so. That is a lot of beeping, let me assure you. But, I did make it, if barely, on time.
The priest was not there as something had come up. The other priest who will be involved with this service was recovering from a minor surgery. We did what we could. I was asked to be an alter boy stand-in. I had no clue what I was doing, especially in this new form of mass. However, I did what I could, listened, and tried to learn. How cool is that? For me, it was really cool. I had never had the opportunity to serve in that capacity as my brother did. I am not sure how to usher yet, still. I suppose I will follow the other ushers and learn on the job. I am not worried if a little nervous. I was fascinated by the events and I am looking forward to live fire exercises next week.
Beyond that, I made some connections. I met a few other Catholics, but Catholics who are more along my lines of belief. I must admit my hope for the Church is stronger this day. In our discussions, resources and specific and more conservative Catholic materials were recommended toward my goal of a proper Christian education and I gained strength by realizing I was with people who do care about the Church, propriety, history, sanctity, and a few other choice topics and things which are dear to my heart. As well, one of the people, a woman, mother of 6 with another on the way, and a woman who I believe is on the very right path, started asking searching and direct questions. Married? No, but looking to be so. Age. I told her. :p Want children? Many, but with a women I am sure about. She is thinking. Gack! Just because I pray for it and really want this, does not mean I… *sigh* I did ask for it. Then she said the funniest thing. She indicated that, sadly, many of the right women available are young. She wondered if a much younger wife, say, a 23 year old wife, would be too young. Of course, that saddened me greatly while I tripped over my tongue to say, well… if you insist, or something just as foolish. I hope she took that as a yes. *whistling past the graveyard of bachelorhood* or *deer in the headlights… blink… blink…*
In any case, I am pretty sure I have found a more apt community to enjoin. I think I am getting closer. Even if I never meet a 23 year old wife, I know I am going in the right direction. *laughs* I am refreshed and ready. Oh, I was able to find proper clothing, but I was a bit overdressed for the event, I think because it was a practice(?). I do believe I will wear these types of clothes to the Latin Masses themselves, however. I have this week to get the rest of my finery dry cleaned, washed, pressed, or whatever and be ready for Church next Sunday! And yes, dressing for Mass is important, if I can be childish about thing at times. Though I will continue to go Saturday in more relaxed attire, as is the mode there and then.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)