A day at the museum.

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Yesterday was a bit odd, health wise. I ended up not taking my medicine, any of it, in spite of having it with me. I look for "the right time" to take things when out of the house, and with everything going on, that time simply never happened. With things going on, driving, and such, I simply lost track. Still, my friend and myself had a fairly decent day. We visited the Browning museum, which includes trains, guns, and cars. We viewed a good bit of the train part and the guns of course, but ran out of time so did not view the automobiles. Next week, very possibly, we will do a return visit. We also had lunch there. I was getting grumpy from being overly tired on the drive back. I did not grump at my friend, just at typical drivers. Then again, I am a moody driver anyway. I do not go overboard, I merely grump and adjust my driving to avoid bad and stupid (yes, talking on a cellphone while driving and driving poorly for it will get someone on my "stupid list"). When less tired, I just adjust and forget, not bothering to grumble.

While we were in Ogden, as is our want, we ended up at one of our favorite gun, ammunition, and reloading shops. I found bullets, if not what I had hoped to find. I was looking for full metal jacket 230 grain round nose bullets for reloading. They had 230 and they had round nose, they just did not have them together. I ended up walking out with 500 200 grain round nose plated bullets, and 300 230 grain truncated full metal jacket bullets. I still have 200 round nose 230 grain bullets, so I guess it is all right. Of course, my friend bought 100 of the 200 grain plated bullets when we got home. He found some used 9 mm cases. It is good to have more.

I was very tired when I returned. We had a few beers. We had thought about supper, but were both still full from lunch. I took him on home and tried to stay up a few hours more, but at 20:00, I was finished. I woke up at 2:00 or so, and almost could not get back to sleep. I knew it would ruin my day schedule, so I eventually settled down and got back to sleep. Waking at 7:00 or so, I got up and began tinkering. Gaming on the machine to begin the wake-up process. I fixed a little breakfast, too much actually. Now I am gaming again, and blogging, and waiting until about 13:00 to begin a slew of business processes. Checking on the medicine, contacting my broker, contacting the loan agent, trying to figure out how to get my checks to my new bank, paying a bill, checking some other bills, and then maybe some cleaning and shopping after a couple hours off after I have done what I can on those scores.

Not only is my mind just coming into it's own, with all the fuss that goes with it, so too is my body. Food is like a new thing to it. Regular food requires regular bm's. My body is so used to being fed very irregularly that it is having to figure out how to pass waste again. It is not as easy as it might sound. Though I must admit, it is a pleasure to once again be biologically more functional. It is just knowing when one process or another is what is needed, both for me and my body, that can be a bit harrowing. Gas, as I am coming to understand, is not always gas. This is only a problem during restarts, but it is one I often forget about. No mistakes yet, just some funny facial expressions and a bit of a weird walk hurry mode rush to the nearest facility.

My kitchen is staying even, so far. I clean after each meal. Which allows me to cook with a clear conscience. As I said, by Sunday or Monday, I hope to have the whole of this house up to specs again. I think I can do this, and I will feel so much better about it. There is nothing like being in a clean, kempt, concise house. The mind and spirit become settled and new tasks become easier to take on and complete somehow. When this is done, I will begin my studies in calculus. Then perhaps physics.

Life is coming back together nicely but slowly. Too much rush and I will overdo, which will cause a setback. And yet not doing enough will cause a slip into lethargy. And knowing which is which will take a little trial and error, a little patience with myself, and a little faith in myself, the medicine, and the world in general. Coming out of a coma in self-help mode is a tricky thing. And yet it feels so good. Like being trapped, seemingly forever, in a frozen no-man's land and then to finally begin nearing the borders of a safe place while at the same time feeling a breath of spring on the face. It is good.

Where to begin?

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Have you ever had a job which either upon taking or somewhere while in that employ in which you were handed a terribly botched assignment? The paper work was all wrong, time lines are all messed up with some events very overdue others simply corrupted and some still good yet all complicating the time issues involved, and a host of other difficulties? Yes, well, that is my life. When, where, and what do I start with. Okies, we have the when down. Now! But which project and how. I am only starting to live again, but I see the whole world of business and personal needs that have to be tended and I only have so much energy and 'togetherness' at hand and my skills at organizing and throughput are sketchy at best in the best of times.

Where to start? For me, there were several sure places. Home, it is where I live and breath, think and work, and all such. Home is much more to me than most, many might as well simply live in a hotel for all they have to do with their homes. I have little choice in the matter, so my home is my whole world. Outside is even a little spooky anymore (hence why I carry on boldly, usually, when leaving my shell). To that end, I have done two loads of laundry with more to go. Though there really is not much to do. I changed about as often as I showered and we will not go further into that. Still, after I did most of what was needed clothing wise, I think the bedding (sigh) needs washed. I never did wash the bedding after my lady friend visited, if she only slept in her bed proper for one or two nights, preferring the lounger until I figured out her issues and turned the heat up, took out the window insulation so some light got in, and a few other things. My personal bedding on the other hand... We will not go their either. At least it does not 'look' too bad. *sigh*

As well, I have been busy with dishes. You might be able to imagine the pileup there. But add that it piled up long ago and at best was soaking. I have done two loads in the dishwasher and two loads by hand and it is done, save one load from the dishwasher to be put away. This was no simple wash job. All of it got a fresh resoaking (or two), and even what went into the dishwasher was sort of hand washed first. It was a real chore but a happily completed one. Next I am eyeing the broom and mop, and searching for the vacuum cleaner (searching is not, yet, a do all at once project... it might be before long... still... waking... up).

Next, medicine. I have a little over a week left of the main medicine, Lisinopril. Worried, I called the V.A. today (meant to yesterday, but... today is better than tomorrow). It is a very good thing I did. They did not have it planned for me to receive those until April 28th! What is going on in there? The woman said she would do what she could to rectify that. The woman being a worker at the main V.A. in SLC. She said she would call back when she figured this mess out. I was too tired at that time to call further, but I plan to call the closer clinic I usually visit and ask them what the problem is, get them in on the solution, and give them a small piece of my mind. This is exactly what happened last time. I cannot let this simply slide. They are as much a part of the problem, now, as I am. I am too sick to look after myself half of the time, I cannot be expected or depended upon to look after them too. I am just a wee riled at the moment.

Next, some business. Since my banking has not become local yet, I have to pay many bills manually. The internet helps, the phone helps, but nothing is quite like having everything on automatic. That helps! So, I need to tend to some bills and check on a few others. I also need to get some cash into the local bank so that I may begin using it to some extent. As well, I can put a certain amount in and use that as a limiter on my spending. Much as I used to do with the savings and checking accounts. Further, I need to figure out how to get my DD214 and contact the company I am working with on a V.A. pre-approval for a housing loan.

Wow, just wow! So much to do, and that is just the half of it. So much more house cleaning is needed. So much more business must be tended. Groceries must be bought. And, while I am gearing up, I need to also tend the little things as they happen. Cooking means cleaning. Going out means laundry. Everything that one begins starts something else in a chain that is fundamentally maddening at first. Being a ghost has a privilege that frees one from the things of flesh, but at a damned high cost. If I am going to be forced to live, I want to be in the game with foot and claw. I have to be. Either in or out, that is how I play the game when given a choice at all. Actually, I will not wait to be given a choice, I always have a choice... a whole slew of them... even as a cripple I am no pushover.

The game is on! Be well.

Excellent!

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Not perfect, not yet completely well, but the situation does look much brighter.

The medicine is doing what I had hoped. Thankfully, for several reasons, she started me on a low dose, 5 mg twice a day, as early in the morning as possible and mid to later afternoon is how I am doing it. The lift I get is comparable to soda, which is to say not a lot, but it allows me to stay conscious without being completely out of it while awake. I can also do small things, such as shopping and shooting and such again, if it can be done only occasionally that is enough for the moment. This dose will allow me to get back on some schedule, take care of myself, the house, and business minimally, and then it should set me up for a higher dose and nearly actually living again.

I have quit the sugar. Juice mixed with CO2 water, plain water, and soon tea, along with milk of course, are on the menu. I still have a great thirst as diabetes is still probably out of control and in the 300 range. One thing at a time. One piece of it all at a time. Once I am functional again, we move on to that stage, and I could see that happening by my next visit. I need to call and make sure my medication is set to be sent out. I only have a few weeks supply and that makes me nervous. Other than that, it looks like I am set to get back into taking care, being on the right medication, being off soda, and living fairly well again.

Not much else of news. Then again, I am just learning how to walk again. But the prognosis is good. Have a great night.

A week.

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That is how long it took me just to figure out how to pick up my medicine... through exhaustion, confusion, and an otherwise inability to put together a shower, being dressed and at the right time, and driving to the post office. I, of course, went to the wrong one though finding the right one was quite simple. I walked in with only minutes to spare. I started the process at about 14:30, could not quite get out of bed until 15:34 though I tried several times. Then a shower and dressing. Then, I was almost sure I could get there. The minutes were flying off the clock though. I was moving through mud. I was never sure, but I thought I could. And then it was done. A weeks worth of hard labor, truly.

The truth of being me is a bit embarrassing. I debate moral and ethical, social and economic, issues and I think I do so reasonably, and yet I cannot go down town and pick up medicine? Then again, I would suggest that Einstein left to his own devices would have had at least as bad of a situation, probably much worse. No, I do not produce as he did if what he did is just as questionably termed scientific poetry mixed with mysticism than pure science, but that is for another discussion. Still, I am pleased to just be who and what I am. And a little success sure can be sweet!

I do not think I will start it today. I know, you would think I would want to hop right on it. I want to give myself another day just to put myself in as much order to begin this as possible. And, actually, I need a rest after fighting the mental plague for this week. Though, as a mental physicist might say, since I did not move (until today), that I did no work. Which, in a way, proves physics wrong, since I worked harder doing nothing while attempting to do something than some people will ever work their whole lives. Yeah, crazy, but true.

I am looking forward to starting Ritalin again though. I have a long list of things that need to be done, that I want to do, and that I should do. I have places to go, people to see, things to do, and a life to get a bit more busy within. I have subjects to study, words to learn and write, and blogs to visit. It is time for me to start up again. And in my new home I have a brand new glowing chance at starting over. I have a world to build. I have just been given, I think, the key to the kingdom, barren as it is at this point. It is time.

Have a great day!

Wow, impressively difficult.

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I can still think, inside here, sort of. My mind works fine. It simply will not focus and it cannot control my body. I am left wondering why high blood pressure medicine, or just as likely, lower blood pressure, would cause me such difficulties. The situation probably indicates that it is not a psychological issue. Not that this is important, since there seems to be no interest in the medical community at looking for the real cause and I simply do not have the tools, knowledge, lab, and whatever else might be required to find a fix. So, I have to rely on bandaids rather than a cure or particular regimen for the root cause(s).

I have tried to turn things around. I have tried to affect my sleep patterns by trying to sleep at night so that I might wake during the daytime hours. I have set my alarm, as well. I merely end up sleeping more and waking up late in the afternoon. I cannot remember hearing the alarm go off. Sometimes, in my bad periods, I remember hearing it, messing with it, and ending up being too tired to do anything more than hitting the snooze for an hour and then turning it off. At this point, I am not sure what happens when the alarm goes off. Do I simply sleep through it? I do not know.

I need food, activity as my body actually hurts from sitting and sleeping so much. My eyes, somehow, hurt. I cannot seem to get anything done. I ran out of soda and I do not have my meds. I will have to push to get one or the other. Wish me luck.

Oh, the other night I dreamed I was a professor. There was a fellow professor with whom I wished no contact. As can be the case, this made him very interested in becoming my friend. So, I decided to have a conversation with him. I cannot remember what he did that made me feel this way, but I told him I considered him evil. He had committed spiritual suicide. He had, whatever he had done, slain his soul. I told him I knew there was a chance he could be saved, but that it was very unlikely since he truly believed in whatever he did, and continued to do so. He was vested in evil and to change would probably cost him everything he knew. I said physical suicide is similar, though if it is merely to escape pain, that suicide was not only understandable it was forgivable.

Then, after considering the difference between spiritual and physical suicide, I started thinking about the differences between physical suicide itself. The only time an animal will commit suicide, for example a deer in the clutches of wolves which explodes the heart within it's body, is when pain or surety of death is there. Only after it has tried to run to it's ability, after it has fought as it can, and probably even then only after it has been physically damaged beyond repair, will it submit to the natural course of events and kill itself.

I realized, then, that this is why (assuming my "near death experience" was true) I was not in the worst part of that. I had done what I did because of pain and knowing that I was beyond repair. No, suicide is no longer an option for me. I must carry on as I should. I simply understood something from the dream that helped me understand the past. At this point, any suffering I bear is for Christ, and life, with the Holy Spirit, and through those for the Father. I know it seems odd, but suffering is a learning experience. Just as is the humility of the life I lead by the nature of my condition.

Still, it would be nice to be able to figure out how to go to the store, pick up some food items, do the dishes, and have a meal. Or, pick up my medicine, or maybe some soda until I can get that. Anyway, if I can handle a little pain and degradation, anyone can! :P Be well, and know that in here, if deeply sometimes, is a thinking feeling human who does his best. And he has the nerve to snicker about it from time to time on top of that. Ha!

A breath of fresh air.

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Faculties came back online again, a bit. I came out of the fog well enough to begin planning how to further extricate myself from this sticky situation. I did not ponder why, at first, I merely used the time to make some plans and do some things. After doing a few minor things, like preparing a meal and calling my friend to set up an outing tomorrow (the meal REALLY helped as I knew it would), I started to try and figure out what had happened. Ah, I had become so down I had forgotten to take my medicines for a few days. Off the medicine I was able to function again. Still, that will not do either. So, back on the medicine. With plans in play to be out tomorrow, I will ensure I pick up the new medicine, which should help.

I can only hope Ritalin works as it has in the past, and yet is not too much. It does not drive me off the deep end, but it does push my personal (not physical) tolerance. Going from zero to mach 3 is a bit daunting mentally, especially while still groggy. Until I regain the reins, I am on a runaway horse. Still, it can be sort of funny. I can leave my corpse well enough to watch the animal aspect contained therein do what critters do when hyped a bit. Feed a mouse caffeine, then watch, you will understand.

I keep thinking about the 'human condition'. I see that we have an animal aspect. Animals are purely and simply biological robots. They know neither future nor past. They do not choose to breed or not, they react to chemical processes. They have, at most, a suspicion of anything other than biological directives and that only among the higher functioning among them, perhaps dolphins, great apes, and maybe elephants, among a very small other assortment. Still, even those animals have no idea about the world. They have no need or interest in affecting their environment. That aspect of us only comprises a small amount of what we are, could be, or should be.

Humans are different in many ways. I almost feel sorry for those who do not understand. And, yet, I still wonder if there are many among those who would be human who are actually merely animal. I do know, however, that there are some, perhaps many, who are more. I would like to think I am among those who are more. If lessened by illness, I realize there is a difference and attempt to act on being more than just an animal.

If we are just animals, then culling is in order. If we are merely animals, then there is no purpose to being other than to gain as much as we can and live in as much luxury as possible, for as long as possible, and at the expense of anything or anyone else. If we are purely biological in nature than life on this planet (and to our actual knowledge disregarding the "alien hypothesis", the banal hope beyond hope of the soulless) and indeed all of existence is doomed. And life, regardless of anything anyone tells you is the most precious gift given to anything in existence. I suppose that is why I am so anti-abortion. I could see being anti-death penalty too, but at this point the risks the prisoners present is too great for that for me. No, life is so very special, rare, and doomed, that but for there being God and a greater meaning, this would all be a great big cosmic joke... a bitter one.

Anyway, from one human hopefully to another, live well. Time IS short here, whether you know it or not. And though I think for the most part where we are going is far finer, missing out on the possibilities here is like missing out on high school and college (if you went) events. Though those were lesser than say, hopefully, marriage, work, adult friends, they can never be revisited or done over. Do not skip out on this life. Have a good night.

Huh?

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Still in absolute burned-out mode. I am trying to break the chains that bind it just is not working. I have found that obsessive gaming allows me to remain conscious, if being conscious hurts. Though I can do little else, I at least am awake more of the time and keep my mind somewhat active. Surprisingly, those games require quite a bit of thinking. As I said though, it hurts.

I am working at getting showered, dressed, and going out today. I need some food, for one thing. I might get out to shoot, as well. It seems like an easy matter. Stand up out of this chair, go to the shower and undress, shower, brush the gums, shave the face, and dress. Then make a call and head out. And, it is that easy. But it is not that easy. Moving through fog is difficult, knowing that I will have to force myself every step of the way is daunting, and knowing that I cannot just stop and rest if needed is fear inducing. Think of it like deciding to get on a bus in L.A., with a ticket to N.Y.C., with no means of getting out of it. I am sensitive to noise, tired beyond understanding, with a headache and a lack of ability to simply think straight or for long.

If not today, then tomorrow I will get to the post office and pick up my medicine. It seems they have arrived, but because of the Ritalin, they cannot just leave it at the door. I cannot get out, mostly, and seem to have missed every time they have visited (I received the notice on Friday). Oh well. It will be done, soon.

Never worry though. I am used to this, to a degree. I enjoy what I can how I can. At least I do not have to worry about scratching out an existence too. If I am not always happy with the V.A., at least they are taking care of me financially. I could well have been a bum if not for them. I have little choice in my condition. Actually, if it were not for my ability to communicate at a high level in spite of being ill, I am almost certain I would be in a ditch or under a bridge somewhere. Many are. Pray for them before ever praying for me.

It went down from tough.

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I took a nose dive this week. I think I still know where the tp is, and generally where my behind is, but getting the two together? Yes, it stinks. I think this is to be expected when I start the high blood pressure medicine. It often sneaks up on me though. I did not see that coming. It was not incremental and when it happened... it has taken several days just to realize I have out of commission for a while. Of course, I will pick up where, when, and how I am able.

As always, I am nervous about the new medicine. Even though it is what I want and is better than what I have, every time it is like getting up into a saddle on a horse, as if for the very first time. Or really, for the first time in a long time. It is exhilarating and daunting at the same time. The medicine really gives me more juice, something that has to be managed. I am so used to having just a fraction of it. I have some wonder if mentally I fear power and so underclock, or if that is done through a physical problem. Rather than an energy problem, as if I were an engine or electrical system, perhaps I have the energy but it is not being utilized or delivered correctly. Oh well, I will probably never know. But, with my worries about the medicine, I see into the notion that it might be a holding back, at least in part.

Nothing, needless to say, has gotten done that should have been done. No, wait, I did pay some of my bills. And, I will pay another today (which I had said I would pay a few days ago). *sigh* Lord knows I try to keep it on the tracks. I am not even sure how many days I have been down now, I simply... got lost. Maybe it will improve when the medicine arrives.

Oh, and never worry. Enjoy life, do what you can, and love somebody one way or another.

Good but tough.

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That sums up life, recently. I am having to fight every inch of the way. The good is that I am, at least to a degree, able to do so. I miss something here for a day, I still have not completed my financing package (still have not figured out how to obtain my DD214), I tell my friend I will be there in an hour and a half and it ends up being three hours, and lots of little failures. But these failures also mean I am actually doing something. And, I am so close. Yes, I am a cripple. And I hate that, but so what. I hate needing to use the facilities, sleep, and even eat (except for the flavor, yum!). So what, I do what I can in my little world and fantasize about being more. Heck, I even work on being more. I do what I can with what I have. That, I think, is all that God asks. He loves us so much, He sent His only Son. Which also means He knows us. Not a man among us could have filled those Shoes.

I am frustrated. Like the autistic who tries to communicate, the lame who tries to motate, and the blind who tries in his own way to see, I try to function. I would love to give the autistic my clear communication channel, the lame my fantastic ability to be mobile, and the blind eyes, but I cannot. I have these things but not their will or ability to use them. How odd that is. We all try, harder than most will understand, and we all fail in many ways. Frustrating. At least now that I know and understand, it is not frustrating to the point of suicide. I just get grumpy, then chuckle about it, then carry on carrying on. Even this can be, and has become, a joyful little exercise in an odd little life.

I have several things to do today. And I woke early enough that I might be able to try to do some of them. Wish me luck? Now break it up and go about your business. You have more important things to do then read the foolishness of a blind, lame, inarticulate man! Go have a good day. Ha

The mountains and winter, such a fine set.

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I made a mistake by staying up too late over the weekend. I overdid, and paid the price. I am just now getting back to regular days again. I have overdone more severely and paid higher prices in my youth, then again I could afford more pleasure and pain. Still, no blood, no foul. As well, several of my projects have moved forward and it was a great day today.

I called my shooting friend and we decided that a day at the range and then a dinner was in order. I really need to get back into practice with the .45. Then again, we are shooting at pop bottles at 50 yards and more. And, despite my friend's age, condition, and "blurry vision", he can hit 7 out of 10 quite often. In my defense, I have been shooting my rifle mostly, holding off to obtain a little stockpile of reloading components and a decent stock of .45 ammunition. I suppose I could have shot my .22 pistol more. But that thing is so dead on accurate that it was not much of a challenge, shooting accurately to almost as far as a .22 rifle will shoot. Then again, maybe if I try it next time, I will have lost some skill in that too. It is good to have a friend who really can almost shoot eyes out at 50 yards with a .45 (and even better with a 9 mm). Oddly, I can beat him with the .22 pistol (or used to be able too). Not that it is a competition, well, not an unfriendly one.

When we finished, I remembered our last outing. We arrived in town and went right to our more usual eatery, Angie's. It's a great place by the way. I do not like everything on the menu, but there is always something I do like and enough variety of my favorites (especially the all day breakfast menu). Anyway, I remembered that we arrived too early for our favorite womenz! So, today, I thought we ought to go shopping (or window shopping as is often the case) first instead of after the meal. It worked out perfectly. We arrived late enough that our ladies were not only in, but they were on the floor.

The mountains out here, and the weather patterns in the valley for them, is something fantastic to experience. My friend has suggested that he does not notice the mountains all of the time, or even some of the time, now. I tell him that life is just not the same without them. They are the same, seemingly, every day. But a closer look will lead one to notice that they are never the same. They are a challenge, should one so endeavor. They are also shelter, should one care to understand. And they simply are. I enjoy the humility and safety of mind they bring. They remind me, every day, that I am merely an ant on much more than a molehill. They prove my limitations, physical and spiritually. It has been said that a man with an ounce of faith would be able to move mountains. Though, and again, a man of great faith would no more do so then he would pilfer the wealth of the world even to give to the poor if he had great faith. Great faith is not for here, I think.

Cold, it is. It is seeping into my bones tonight. I think I will turn the furnace up just a bit from my 62 F setting tonight and sleep a bit more warmly. Just one of those things. On unrelated news, I received a message that my doc is going to prescribe Ritalin again. They also upped the (more minor) blood pressure medicine (which I implemented as soon as I got the message). The requirement is that I continue on the medicines and, when Ritalin arrives and I begin taking it, to stop drinking regular soda. That is all I asked for and much preferable to the current state of affairs! It is a deal! While we were out, one of our new games when we visit Wallyworld is to check our blood pressures. His, on the medicines, is excellent. Mine is not too bad, at 143/86 or something. They want me sub 130/80 I think. I am getting there. Now to keep the system from crashing because I lose track...

Hey, have a great one! If you cannot handle your cold winter, get the car warm then just take a cruise. If where you are is warm, get out! This is a fantastic world, there are really nice people to meet, there are interesting things to do and see, and the t.v. just is not the same. Go, do, be.

Valentine's Day.

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So many people have such a varying notion about Valentine's Day, and of course all of the baggage and candy that goes with it on whichever level one has a mind to ponder. Many men (mostly if a few women too, depending on how close to a break-up) hate the day. I understand why some men hate it. There are obligations, which may not be felt as necessary, to the day and the notion behind it. As well, there is expense and work of some sort. Most women seem to really enjoy the day and what it entails. I have a belief that most women really enjoy this type of stuff, real or faked to a degree. What was it, something about 'I do not care if you lie, just lie well!', or some such one woman I dated (or was it three... or more) said? No, I am not a liar, at my core. However, telling a woman all the things she wants to hear is more important to her than believing what I have said always, or so I have come to think. Just say it, fool. You mean it, you just do not always realize it.

As for me, the day is fun if not too serious. I think with love and the relationship between men and women, these things are necessary. As well, I think the day gives me a chance to (all else being equal) play the romantic and have a good excuse to do so without having my sanity or manhood challenged. There is always the hope that some of that will stick around throughout the year(s). I do enjoy being romantic, if I know how as well as I know how to dance. If it arrives naturally, I seem to have some skill. But if I have to think about it too much, I think it always ends up being too gooey. Come to think of it though, women seem to love the mush more than the logical. Oh well.

I am honestly hoping a lot of love is going on today. If it is merely because of the weird holiday, so be it. I hope further, that what happens today continues on into the year. That the good things are remembered in order to overcome some of the boring and bad things. I keep thinking about some of the women I have met. I keep meaning to ask them out (not all together, mind you). There are two women with whom a nice dinner and some relaxation time would be enjoyed. To be honest, I think they are just waiting (not just on me, but on any decent guy, if maybe on me in particular). They know I think they are attractive, if to be honest neither would quite do as wife material. Just to be in a woman or two's company sounds good to me. The voice, the look, their way of thinking, things pleasant to be certain. If I could just get off my butt! Honestly, I am not afraid to ask. I worry that they might get a bit serious or take it the wrong way, but that is a very minor side issue. I need a lady friend or three, I do believe.

Anyway, have a great Valentine's Day. It depends, in large part, on you. You are not old cripples, so get off it and get going. Just a few words, a soft touch, a lie or two, a wink and a nod, and you may know why we celebrate even this kind of love. Or, put in a more manly way... shut up and get fresh. You might even remember why you got in so much trouble to begin with, or why you have been in trouble before. Yeah, trouble. Gee I miss being in trouble. Go get em'!

A love hate relationship with efficiency.

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On the surface, in the middle, and right down to the bottom of me, efficiency is something I love. In a primitive manner, efficiency is something I find to be beautiful. In a very basic way, it reminds me of coloring inside the lines in coloring books, when I was a child. Back when coloring in the lines took effort and was patronized, earning a star in class, attention at home, or a sense of accomplishment. There is something about the nature of doing things with the least amount of energy, money, time, or any resource, and yet procuring results as good or perhaps superior to the results less costly ventures produce.

The difficulty I have with efficiency is not based on the facts of the matter. Or even with side issues. I am stuck on efficiency mode in almost all of my dealings with life. Everything I do costs many times the energy use most people understand. I am frozen in an efficiency requirement that is so draconian that at times I cannot do the things that help with the demands of life, such as eating. If I do too much at once, there is a decent chance I will simply need to fold up and go to bed, so harshly so that choice is not in the equation.

The other night I dreamed I was on the failed moon landing craft. While we were trying to figure out how to use the last bits of energy we had, and it did not look like it was going to work, I realized, the ship was my body. Everything I did had to be looked at, anything I wanted to do had to be figured into the equations. Even solid efficiency is inefficient, as there is always some minor loss due to transfer or simply the inherent nature of physics and life. So it is with me. Right down to considering whether I have the energy to consider something, which actually takes more energy than hiking, if I do the consideration correctly.

I do love efficiency. However, because of my condition(s), it would be like loving painting and despising pain, yet having some mental fixation which only allows one to express their artistic abilities by painting torture and the devices for that. I live so close to the edge, some days, that I simply cannot simply "do". It has been much better here, in Utah. But only in a relative manner. What I can do here, if multiples greater than what I could do in Iowa, would be laughable to John Q. Public. Laughable, or frightening, if they were stuck with it. Sigh... Yeah, I dreamed about this last night too. I was looking for a solution. Once I realized I was the ship, I broke out into a sweat and started trying to dreamsolve. I found no solutions. I am still in space, hoping oxygen holds and nothing else goes wrong... and looking for the solution which will allow me to use the gravity of the moon to at least turn the ship around...

Sleeping in.

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For the first time in a long time, I actually went ahead and let myself stay up late and then sleep in. Oh, I do that, to be certain. The difference is often there is not much choice involved. Either I cannot get to sleep, I cannot wake up, or both. This time, I made the choice both times. Why? Because this is the first time I have done something every day for a week. Though I did not go out Monday, I did make a number of phone calls and I was otherwise busy regarding other business and social efforts. I think I did some cleaning on Monday, as well. I used to love staying up late and sleep in on the weekends, back when I worked all week and lived a relatively normal life.

I am hoping to push through again this week. I do not want the medicines to win, so I am really putting my effort in. I might simply walk over to my friends place, sit a spell and watch some t.v. and talk, then walk home. I think he likes visitors too, right to his place. Though I think more than twice a week or for more than a few hours and he might become a bit impatient. It is good to be grumpy and become more private, or since I am like it that is how I see it. The medicine is not as harsh this time. Still, I would like to stay ahead of that crash a bit, should it be on the way.

I had some neat dreams as I was waking up this morning. The first one regarded my mom and my lady friend. In the dream, I had purchased my home and I was settled in, happily and well. The home had a mother-in-law apartment. Both of those women wanted it. So, I brought them both out and told them they had to fight for the apartment (but I had a trick up my sleeve). They fought, though I cannot remember who won. Anyway, I enjoyed the fight. When it was over and they both looked at me to hand over the apartment, I told them that they had to split it or no one was staying. hehehehe I suppose I made them fight to settle things between them up front and in advance. Well, that and to help them understand where they stand, physically, with me. I told them they could veto anything I wanted to do or buy, all they had to do was get in the ring, with me. Perhaps both of them, if they were serious. What a dream!

Then I had a short political dream, where I was struggling to say something that has been bugging me. I have it, mostly, I think. I will try to write it as I remember the final result:

To be liberal* is to be a driver on an highway* not only without a speed limit, but with a requirement to drive faster and never slow down or stop.

Think about that literally and then apply it to their idealism, their "practical applications", and even their personal and social lives. I was comforted in some part of my mind by finally being able to put a term to the notion that was free-floating like a virus back in some part of my unconscious mind. It was almost as good as finally being able to have a bowel movement after not being able to "go" after a day or two of trying. All I can say is... Ahhhhh...

*liberal, as it has become commonly misused in America
*economic, immoral, amoral, unethical, pick one or all or others

Every day save Monday.

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I feared the medicine would put me down. To prevent it, I had thought to be a bit proactive and to attempt to be more active. It worked, mostly. I am exhausted, I have had to fight to simply wake up several days, or at least wake up early enough to get out of the house. There were some goals which were not met, though I was able to reschedule and fill in for missed activities. It just so happens that I needed to do some business, and need to do a bit more still, which helped. All in all, it has been a long hard week, as hard goes for me anyway.

I have not quite finished getting all of the paperwork for the home loan pre-approval. I was able to have some things faxed, sign the paperwork, get several items copied, and in relatively short order. I think all I need now is a copy of my DD214 (military discharge papers). I am almost certain I have my own copyable version, if it is lost in 70 boxes of stuff. Monday will be the day to find out about that and maybe get myself another copy, a personal copy. They have been patient with me, as usual. I am sure they would love to ring my neck, if they never say it. Working with the disabled must be a real challenge, or they really are mellow people who simply like to help and are not in a crazy hurry. It will be done rather soon.

While I was out, I called one of my friends. He wanted to go out as well, so I had a sidekick this week. Some things, naturally, he enjoys anyway. Shooting, driving around a bit, and eating out. The rest may not be fun though even a boring office visit offers something different than the walls of his apartment. Oh, and as a treat, I talked him into lobster yesterday. We split the cost, bought 4 lobster tails, some shrimp, potatoes, and a few other items (I only had him split the cost of the lobster, though he tried to offer half of all). The mid-sized shrimp was tasteless, but that lobster tail was deliciously sweet, even without butter (though I clarified a bit of it). They were not huge, but two tails each did the job well. I might do that again, soon. Though I would like to have a salad, 3 tails, and another baked potato.

I made it up and to the V.A. for a followup appointment this morning, if I barely made it up in time. I had to fight for over an hour to come to consciousness. Dreams, and falling asleep, and struggling with an alarm made for a harsh morning. I arrived just in time. All of my vitals are retched. The good news is that my blood pressure has dropped to 153/98 or something. My medic had suggested if I lowered it to 150/100 she would start the Ritalin. It was not her I saw today though, so I have to wait to know if we will start that again. I did note that I had lost 50 pounds since I moved here, though with a blood sugar running at 300, pulse over 100, among other problems, the woman I spoke with was not interested. Oh well, we will see.

I am struggling to keep to days. Waking up, at any time, has become difficult. I have not had severe flu-like symptoms (or am sleeping through them) and I have been pushing to be more active this time. I think it is working, though I always feel the need to sleep now and again. I cannot be sure if I can push through much longer though. Soda is losing it's efficacy as the pills begin to do their job. I will just keep pushing on. Though I hope the next shipment of medication offers some relief. Bother. No one ever said it would be easy, but it was not supposed to be this difficult either. It just is not supposed to be this difficult.

Life is still good.

A few things to do.

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I think my health has improved since starting the medicine. Honestly, I think something was rather close to shutting down. I have some relief and that relief has allowed me to begin doing other things. I should have most of the paperwork ready to be sent and then sent tomorrow for a pre-approval for a home loan. It has taken a bit longer than it could have and should have, but not so much longer as to be a problem. As well, I finally called an aunt, my favorite aunt, tonight. I tried to call her a few days ago on her birthday. It seems she was away dealing with her own medical problems. She is dealing with breast cancer, though it seems she is doing rather well. At least in regards to the cancer. However, she has side effects worrying her at this point. She is a beautiful woman, inside and out. And, it seems, a strong woman. She did not quit working except for a short bit around the time of her surgery.

I have avoided much of my family. Most simply do not understand why I do not work. Or worse, they like the doctors, pull diagnosis out of thin air. Doctors want something that fits a profile and responds to this, that, or the other treatment. They despise mystery illnesses, and by proxy, those who have them. Worse yet, if the symptoms are not clearly visible. A mystery heart problem which causes arrhythmia, bleeding with no known cause, and such, let the patient off the hook. But if it is phantom pain, odd conditions regarding sleep or exhaustion, and the patient IS the problem. So with doctors, so with laymen. She, perhaps, is milder this way. I would not say I believe she is on my side, she is however a bit more like an agnostic than a firm believer or denier. She simply does not know, which is fine because that makes at least two of us.

It was very good to talk to her. I can tell she is tired. But then she is not a youngling anymore, she works 8 to 10 hour days, 5 days a week, she is still dealing with cancer and the after affects of surgery and medicines, and they are getting crazy snow and cold to add to everything else in her life. Still, she sounded pretty good for the condition she was in. I could "hear" her smile from time to time, and she was rather involved in the conversation. She wanted to know about Utah, how I was doing, and such. So, I let her know. She seemed pleased. I let her know I loved her and was praying for her and all before I hung up. I might have to add her to my occasional call list.

Something I forgot to tell her and write here, I have lost 50 pounds now, officially. I am a petite 255 pounds, down from 303, and down from my ultimate weight of 350 a decade or so ago. Thing is, I am doing absolutely nothing differently. I eat what I eat, when I want, and as much as I like. My hunger is still outrageous, though for some reason my capacity to bodily manage to consume the same volume simply no longer exists. Age? Climate and altitude? Health issues? Dunno, do not care either. If I could add working out to this, though, I think I would lose a ton fast(er). Think about it, losing 50 pounds in about 6 months without doing a thing. Hmm, calls for a beer or three.

Cheers, and good night, good afternoon, or good morning, however this catches you. Yeah, beer, tomato juice, and salt. Perhaps three, maybe four? Not good for sleep, diabetes, or high blood pressure, but... good for me. *cat's grin*

What I found out.

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Nope, I was correct. My ear hurts because of my blood pressure and high pulse rate. The pulse rate could be from a number of things, as yet undetermined. Of course, the day I went in, my pulse was well below 100, 93 or something I think. They wanted to take some tests. Several vials of blood were drawn, a urinalysis sample was supplied, pictures of my eyes were taken and sent to a doctor, and a general going over was had. Oh, and I had four shots due. They can only offer two at a time. They listed me as needing swine flu, flu, pneumonia, and tetanus vaccines and shots. I asked if they had a priority list, but the nurse did not know for sure. I chose flu and swine flu vaccines.

After speaking with my caretaker, I discussed why I had quit, what I was doing currently (the soda) and why, some of my history (including medical), and why I was a little peeved. I, again, suggested that exhaustion, all by itself, is my most severe condition. Without fixing that, nothing else will work. When someone is too tired to do what he likes, he certainly is not going to be able to do what he does not like. And if a guy cannot stay awake more than a few hours at a time, sleeping from 4 hours to 3 days at a time, medicinal regimens are pretty useless even if he wanted to comply.

I really did not want to go back on medication. She, somehow, convinced me otherwise. So, same deal. If I lower my b.p, not quite as low as she had initially suggested, she will put me back on Ritalin. I counter-proposed that as soon as that happens, I will quit the soda. I did give her both barrels about the medicine not showing up for a month and a half too. I told her I simply cannot work that way. If I am going to be on something that busts me up going on or off it, it has to be there. We will see. For now I am back on board.

I spoke to several of the people there, including the woman who took my eye pictures. I suggested I will not be going back, other than for yearly eye exams. I felt, and often feel, like a guinea pig when I go in for anything other than standard. I do not fit the profiles, so they spend a lot of time and energy trying to find out why. They really do not know why I am not dead yet, just from the extreme nature of my b.p. or my diabetes, the combination is extremely severe. Or, so they say. I really am not sure how much of what they say is true and how much is job security hype. I did keep my more paranoid comments to myself. Then again, those are not so much things I believe absolutely as things I think and wonder about, or even toy with beyond the confines of my mind, or even just write in order to put them out of my mind. Just because I write it here does not mean I am attesting to something, necessarily.

I have been on the meds since Friday. I started taking them first thing in the morning but remembered quickly from last time that taking them in the early evening is really the way to go. This way I sleep through most of the symptoms, including some of the added weariness. Not all of it, though. My days are getting shorter as I find myself needing more sleep. I will try to adjust by taking the medicines at just the right time to try and spare my daylight schedule as much as possible. The bother of all this crap, but... we will see.

Have a great one.

More health issues.

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My pulse now seems quite high. The last few times I checked b.p., the pulse was running at about 111 or so. I did a very little research and it seems that this could be one more bit of evidence that I have a thyroid problem. Their is a risk that I may have developed heart problems, though I am thinking that more unlikely than not, but who knows. There are some other possible health culprits, though those seem even more of a longshot.

Now, I do not think I would care so much, however, between the high blood pressure and the high pulse rate, my ears not only ring, they have started to hurt a great deal. With every pulse, my right ear definitely and my left ear at times hurt to the point of worry. To that end, I called the V.A. to get in. Luckily or not, they had a cancellation tomorrow afternoon with the, I believe, nurse practitioner. All I want, since they cannot really seem to help me, is to know if this is something serious. I want to know if it means I will be dying sooner rather than later or if this is just a minor thing.

Unfortunately, I do not trust them to offer treatments. However, I would allow some monitoring. If I am going to die, I am good with that. It would simply be nice to know in order that I may financially plan a bit. For instance, I do not think beginning in on a house would be the best of plans. As well, college would be out, if I can continue tinkering with math and physics until I died. However, if this is just another "long term" worry, then I can get back to business as usual.

Now, if this is as I suspect, just another in a long line of long term issues, I am hoping they might have something that would at least ease the pain of the earache (local, not global painkillers or treatments though). I am desperately hoping I can at least trust them to deal with an EAR ACHE! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? Although, to be honest, I expect them to say there is nothing they can do unless I do what has proven to not work in the past in order to take care of illnesses they seem to choose not to tend, tend rightly, or when they find something that works to deliver that curative. Just saying...

Frustrated much? :p

Oh joy!

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The last parts of my calculus study material has arrived! Oh, I know, to many that does not sound fun. But to me it is great fun. Now to settle down and get to it. I could easily help others through calculus, once I knock some of the rust off. I would not, however, call myself a great mathematician. I am merely slightly familiar with it and I obtain some pleasure in doing it. To be honest, calculus is done on computers, looked up in manuals, or sent to the math departments of engineering and other businesses. Most engineers I have spoken with, including smaller firm electrical engineers and a big power company electrical engineer, do no know how to do calculus, mostly, anymore. Of course, that is a small sampling and anecdotal, but...

I am still wondering about school. In any case, I would like to hop up my math skills and then get into physics after that. As I said, I may have a friend who has never had calculus (though he has the precursor math education) with whom to study. I also have a number of actual course books to use to expand the study. And more, I may now have access to a book with the answers... perhaps. I am quite excited. Yes, personal. Perhaps not interesting at all. But to me, it would be like someone else finding a large group of happy old family pictures or finding wanted volunteer flowers blooming way before there time or figuring out how to do something that has plagued a person for years. I really am pleased as punch!

Have a great day.

What a world.

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Glimpsing the news, it is obvious that the people of this nation have chosen a token president and they are going to pay dearly for it. If my feet were not in the fire, I would be pleased about it. The economy is broken if it has not yet collapsed. This administration is not completely to fault, however I will note that it is the type of governance these types have enacted which are the major factors. Beyond that, the policies this administration is enacting and trying to enact which will keep the economy from recovering. It is, as I have always said, their intent to retard the economy. First, they do not believe in capitalism or private gain, to be honest. As well, the more people who depend on the government they come to owe that government, the very one which disabled their job search, as their sole means of food and other vital needs.

I am not sure if the nation can be saved at this point. The deficits make any kind of quick recovery impossible. The laws that have been enacted in the past, with a spike anticipated in new laws in that vein if they can get even some of it through, will disable competition, retard growth sectors, and keep the wealthy rich and more while the middle class and poor become much poorer. This, and the left actually hates this administration for not doing enough. Make no mistake, it is not what he IS doing, it is what he is not doing that makes the moonbats angry.

On another topic, I recently noted a questionnaire at a blog I sometimes visit. It suggested that people who do not wish to join (assuming all factors like age, access, etc. are in play) a fraternity because it is popular, big, and powerful makes someone a wannabe, or was it beta (or less) if you believe those types of ratings. Not only no, but hell no. For people who are completely stuck on surface appearance and getting ahead at any cost, sure! In the MTV world, as I like to call it, where Madonna (or whoever is filling her tired old shoes these days) is queen and where pimping pop icons of all nature are to be emulated, where mass murderer's art sells well, and where 15 minutes of fame on the news is worth destroying your credibility and life, yes, I suppose that is true. But for any real man, joining anything just because it is 'hip' or 'going' is beta in the extreme. Groups such as that, if not considered purely business if that is needed to get ahead, are for followers. I had to get that out of my system. I cannot believe the author could be that stupid.

Looks like my little talk with my lady friend worked. She called and gave me a rather open time frame for next years visit. She also included a $150 off code she received from the airlines because of the lost luggage. Yeah, she will be out again. Though her gratefulness was more why she will be returning than anything. I only hope we have snow when she comes. Otherwise, we will go out on a couple day hiking and camping trip. If it is a bit chill here, we can go south just a bit. It is usually no cooler the 50 F in some parts of this state, mostly. She best be ready, I will be, somehow.

A rather busy weekend.

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Well, I do consider Friday a part of my weekend. I went shooting Friday afternoon. My pistol shot needs work, it was almost embarrassing. A 50 foot shot at a pop bottle should not be something I have to work at. With the .22, however, there is no doubt. Putting 3 to 5 thousand rounds, or more, down range this summer has solidified that. I still only miss when I try to simply think the bullet in the bottle while not really aiming. Even then, sometimes I hit. It snowed, heavily, recently, so getting to that range might night be possible again for a while. And, after having checked out some of the other places we have shot, I realize there is little chance at getting to or otherwise using those places. The private range might be it. I do not mind paying a few dollars for the opportunity though my former neighbor seems to balk at that. We will see. But I need to start shooting the pistol again, to be certain. Now that I have plenty of both large pistol and large rifle primers, .22 and .45 ammunition (if still a bit shy of AK ammunition), I feel a bit more secure about putting more .45 rounds downrange.

After that, we always go for a meal and do some minor shopping or at least window shopping. Neither of us gets out that often, so it is almost akin to how farmers used to go to town once every week or two. The meals are great. No cooking, if I do enjoy that part, no cleaning, no muss, and no fuss. Plus, it is fun to flirt lightly with the waitresses. Which, too, is part of the reason I really hate male servers. I am not even sure I would calling flirting these days. We are both a bit old for those young women. It is more the enjoyment of being fussed over. And, yeah, it is a good thing. It's a service all by itself, one men cannot fill. Blah.

I thought I was done after arriving home. Another friend called and asked if I wanted to go out. Well, okay. I was tired but I rarely get the chance to go out, so I agreed. His doctorate program is beating him up and he needed to get out for a bit. There are only 3 or 4 bars in town, perhaps a few more restaurants that serve beer, and actually only one of the bars that I have seen serves anything harder than beer. No matter. It was a decent night out. We usually start rather early and end early, though we often stop somewhere for a bite to eat before returning home. And, we take a taxi. Around here, drinking and driving is absolutely unwise.

Then, Saturday afternoon, The two friends mentioned and another, a friend of that last friend, headed up the valley to a firepit. We promptly dug snow out of the pit, found some kindling, and used 'store bought' main wood to get the fire up and going. After a decent b.s. session, we cooked various meats on that fire. It was good in a lot of ways. I think we all enjoyed getting out of civilization and such. Though next time, I am taking salt. Meat only every needs one additive, but it needs it a good deal.

Today is a new week. I need to get my feet under me and begin digging in again. The air is crisp, clean again, and the sun is out. I hate the sun in the summer, but I love it now. There is nothing like snow and shine, to my way of thinking. The cold, to me, simply does not matter. All the guys were cold, after our cook out, not I. Business and pleasure are available this week, should I take charge or at least follow. Whatever, it should be good now that I am back on Coca~Cola, waking up at around 7:00, having some energy back, and going to bed before midnight (usually).

Have a great week yourselves!