.
.
Oh, I slept last night. And, I did wake up early enough to call it morning. But a radical shift in schedule is proving quite a chore. If I can just find something to uncross my eyes that doesn't include a nap. Or, maybe a nap is required. I still, after all these years, have no real or easy way to do this. *zap* Later.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sleep was good, finally.
.
.
Making it back to bed at around 2:00, I found sleep wonderful. Something that doesn't help with cramping is cold. I had the furnace off and my bedroom windows open a crack. Fresh air was quite nice. It was not exactly cold, the temp read 64 F, which is warmer than I keep the setting when it is on at night. Generally in winter, after 20:00, the furnace is set to 62 F. But, with cramping, that isn't the best. A few closed windows, turning on some heat, and that may have helped.
As for the diuretic, I am not absolutely convinced, at this point or any point really, it is helping with fluid buildup in the lungs. In my various visits with various specialists, all I am coming away with is that no one actually knows what specifically is the singular or primary problem, other than blood pressure. So I am being treated for a diagnosis, for all I know, that has already been crossed off the list.
On the good side, after adding simple pain killers and raising my bed, I have at least been able to sleep quite comfortably for a few days. I am doing more and able to do more. That doesn't change, of course, some underlying limits. Yesterday's travel and stretch of appointments and tests, leaves me exhausted (but normally so) today. I will recover from this probably by tomorrow. The new comforts have allowed me to create input into my ability to change my sleep patterns. I was awake this morning, after a good night's sleep (even with a minor trauma), at 10:00. So, perhaps I can get to some of those things on my list. A few phone calls, perhaps, today. And at least a preview of some paperwork I need to fill out and send in. Humble as that is, I will take it.
My mother called today, worried. I missed the call. I heard the phone while I was waking but I could not move. I tried to call back shortly thereafter. I may have to see if she will travel here. The thing is, I don't know what time frame to offer. Am I going to be dead in a month or a year, or ten? I can't go by doctors, they said I was supposed to be dead long ago. I don't want her showing up and then having to return to her life, then coming back again two months after she returns home to tend my remains and affairs. How do you really know? Well, I will let her know what I know and that it really isn't looking good, but that coming now is a gamble.
Well, on to waking a bit more, maybe making a few phone calls, and doing some other things. Have a great day.
.
Making it back to bed at around 2:00, I found sleep wonderful. Something that doesn't help with cramping is cold. I had the furnace off and my bedroom windows open a crack. Fresh air was quite nice. It was not exactly cold, the temp read 64 F, which is warmer than I keep the setting when it is on at night. Generally in winter, after 20:00, the furnace is set to 62 F. But, with cramping, that isn't the best. A few closed windows, turning on some heat, and that may have helped.
As for the diuretic, I am not absolutely convinced, at this point or any point really, it is helping with fluid buildup in the lungs. In my various visits with various specialists, all I am coming away with is that no one actually knows what specifically is the singular or primary problem, other than blood pressure. So I am being treated for a diagnosis, for all I know, that has already been crossed off the list.
On the good side, after adding simple pain killers and raising my bed, I have at least been able to sleep quite comfortably for a few days. I am doing more and able to do more. That doesn't change, of course, some underlying limits. Yesterday's travel and stretch of appointments and tests, leaves me exhausted (but normally so) today. I will recover from this probably by tomorrow. The new comforts have allowed me to create input into my ability to change my sleep patterns. I was awake this morning, after a good night's sleep (even with a minor trauma), at 10:00. So, perhaps I can get to some of those things on my list. A few phone calls, perhaps, today. And at least a preview of some paperwork I need to fill out and send in. Humble as that is, I will take it.
My mother called today, worried. I missed the call. I heard the phone while I was waking but I could not move. I tried to call back shortly thereafter. I may have to see if she will travel here. The thing is, I don't know what time frame to offer. Am I going to be dead in a month or a year, or ten? I can't go by doctors, they said I was supposed to be dead long ago. I don't want her showing up and then having to return to her life, then coming back again two months after she returns home to tend my remains and affairs. How do you really know? Well, I will let her know what I know and that it really isn't looking good, but that coming now is a gamble.
Well, on to waking a bit more, maybe making a few phone calls, and doing some other things. Have a great day.
I did feel that.
.
.
Now I know what was causing my legs to cramp. Diuretics. I am not taking in enough fluid to make up for what is going out. I have been honestly taking the diuretic prescribed since going to the ER. I must simply run out of available fluids or some mineral or nutrient through elimination. Tonight, as I was sleeping, my left leg seized up. Having had this before, I learned a way to quickly move my leg, and twist it in a certain way, that sometimes was enough to release the charley horse. If I do that, then rub the leg a bit, I can get back to sleep. If the pain takes too long to wake me for the maneuver or just as often just because, that doesn't work.
Not only did my maneuver not work, the muscle seizure was one of the worst I have ever known. Even when my trick doesn't work, I can usually coax the knot out very quickly with a bit of rubbing, it might come and go in worse situations, requiring a five minute massage. Something else that I can do in worse situations, if I have to bring the knot back and go back to loosen it from the other direction of muscle pull, is to step on the foot. That, considering my weight, forces the knot to nearly immediately cease, if it guarantees a short spasm before it does so and is therefore a last ditch effort. None of that worked tonight. My leg, ankle, and foot were frozen, in the tremendous pain of a charley horse from my knee down, for nearly fifteen minutes. Rubbing the areas did nothing. Stepping, even hopping, on the leg would not pull it out of convulsion. Needless to say, I will not be getting back to sleep for a bit.
The rest was helpful, if not enough. I really needed sleep and probably would have gotten a full night's rest otherwise. In any case, I did more research on carvedilol. It seems the amount given for high blood pressure is 6.5mg, twice a day. The amount given for congestive heart failure is half of one of those pills. I have a cutter, so I will begin taking that tomorrow. But I will have to cease on the diuretic for a bit. I may have to go back to taking any diuretic only occasionally, as I had been (if I had grown a bit too lax with it, too).
D.C. indicates that taking aspirin and Tylenol together shouldn't be a problem. I am finding problems with this idea for two reasons. First, the combination was recommended for longer term use and along with this link and the fact that both my liver and kidneys are, minimally, acting up means it probably isn't the best juice to be shooting into my carburetor right now. The recommendation was 350 mg of plain aspirin and no more than 4k mg of Tylenol per day. The 350 mg of aspirin I understand. But not with Tylenol and troubled organs.
The only thing useful I probably got today, in the way of information, is that my situation is probably quite... complicated. It isn't just one organ, subsytem, or such. I have an array of problems. Problems which can probably all be tended by treating the high blood pressure, but any of which tends to be fatal on their own. They talked me into an appointment with cardiology, which is yet to be made (they will be calling it seems). Then again, the sticking point seems to be whatever is functionally wrong with me, my exhaustion. They keep trying to insist it is psychological. As I have suggested, if it were, medicine for it would have worked. They treated symptoms, symptoms I no longer have. As the realization that I would probably never "walk" again sunk in, there was no longer a reason to be depressed, or "manic" from trying to force function.
We will see. The doctor who issued the carvedilol suggested Ritalin might be an option. Though very close monitoring of my heart would be required. I am fine with that. Then again, I am not sure if he understands that the option may not be open, I am not sure if he was merely fibbing to begin a bait-and-switch, I am not sure if he was simply saying whatever he could to get me into the clinic. Trust? Earn it. They haven't been honest with me, at all. Nor are they including me in the decisions, for exampling sending me different medicines without bothering to call? Not sending medicine they said they would send? Too many chefs cooking too few plates, in this case one plate, and it ain't working out.
The next time I see an actual doctor, one who has my records and the skills to know, I need to nail down whether I should ask my mother to stay with me for a bit or not. My guess is, like today, the issue will be avoided like the plague. Perhaps, with so many things going bad at once, they simply have no clue. The doctor, the head chief type, suggested I need, essentially, to surrender. I have. I most certainly have or I would still be in school and probably looking for a wife. But what I won't do is crawl, blindly, helplessly. Not for my health, not for my life, especially since I am pretty sure once I begin to crawl I will never stand again. I will damn straight die with my boots on to the capacity that I can.
.
Now I know what was causing my legs to cramp. Diuretics. I am not taking in enough fluid to make up for what is going out. I have been honestly taking the diuretic prescribed since going to the ER. I must simply run out of available fluids or some mineral or nutrient through elimination. Tonight, as I was sleeping, my left leg seized up. Having had this before, I learned a way to quickly move my leg, and twist it in a certain way, that sometimes was enough to release the charley horse. If I do that, then rub the leg a bit, I can get back to sleep. If the pain takes too long to wake me for the maneuver or just as often just because, that doesn't work.
Not only did my maneuver not work, the muscle seizure was one of the worst I have ever known. Even when my trick doesn't work, I can usually coax the knot out very quickly with a bit of rubbing, it might come and go in worse situations, requiring a five minute massage. Something else that I can do in worse situations, if I have to bring the knot back and go back to loosen it from the other direction of muscle pull, is to step on the foot. That, considering my weight, forces the knot to nearly immediately cease, if it guarantees a short spasm before it does so and is therefore a last ditch effort. None of that worked tonight. My leg, ankle, and foot were frozen, in the tremendous pain of a charley horse from my knee down, for nearly fifteen minutes. Rubbing the areas did nothing. Stepping, even hopping, on the leg would not pull it out of convulsion. Needless to say, I will not be getting back to sleep for a bit.
The rest was helpful, if not enough. I really needed sleep and probably would have gotten a full night's rest otherwise. In any case, I did more research on carvedilol. It seems the amount given for high blood pressure is 6.5mg, twice a day. The amount given for congestive heart failure is half of one of those pills. I have a cutter, so I will begin taking that tomorrow. But I will have to cease on the diuretic for a bit. I may have to go back to taking any diuretic only occasionally, as I had been (if I had grown a bit too lax with it, too).
D.C. indicates that taking aspirin and Tylenol together shouldn't be a problem. I am finding problems with this idea for two reasons. First, the combination was recommended for longer term use and along with this link and the fact that both my liver and kidneys are, minimally, acting up means it probably isn't the best juice to be shooting into my carburetor right now. The recommendation was 350 mg of plain aspirin and no more than 4k mg of Tylenol per day. The 350 mg of aspirin I understand. But not with Tylenol and troubled organs.
The only thing useful I probably got today, in the way of information, is that my situation is probably quite... complicated. It isn't just one organ, subsytem, or such. I have an array of problems. Problems which can probably all be tended by treating the high blood pressure, but any of which tends to be fatal on their own. They talked me into an appointment with cardiology, which is yet to be made (they will be calling it seems). Then again, the sticking point seems to be whatever is functionally wrong with me, my exhaustion. They keep trying to insist it is psychological. As I have suggested, if it were, medicine for it would have worked. They treated symptoms, symptoms I no longer have. As the realization that I would probably never "walk" again sunk in, there was no longer a reason to be depressed, or "manic" from trying to force function.
We will see. The doctor who issued the carvedilol suggested Ritalin might be an option. Though very close monitoring of my heart would be required. I am fine with that. Then again, I am not sure if he understands that the option may not be open, I am not sure if he was merely fibbing to begin a bait-and-switch, I am not sure if he was simply saying whatever he could to get me into the clinic. Trust? Earn it. They haven't been honest with me, at all. Nor are they including me in the decisions, for exampling sending me different medicines without bothering to call? Not sending medicine they said they would send? Too many chefs cooking too few plates, in this case one plate, and it ain't working out.
The next time I see an actual doctor, one who has my records and the skills to know, I need to nail down whether I should ask my mother to stay with me for a bit or not. My guess is, like today, the issue will be avoided like the plague. Perhaps, with so many things going bad at once, they simply have no clue. The doctor, the head chief type, suggested I need, essentially, to surrender. I have. I most certainly have or I would still be in school and probably looking for a wife. But what I won't do is crawl, blindly, helplessly. Not for my health, not for my life, especially since I am pretty sure once I begin to crawl I will never stand again. I will damn straight die with my boots on to the capacity that I can.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
That was a very long day.
.
.
Oh, I made it. No sleep before I went, I just could not get to it. I did do another load of laundry though. I may have done something else too but I am so fried I simply can't remember. If today was a battle, I lost. Running from one massacre to the other, being chased by ghosts from the past and goblins in the here and now.
The first of the three appointments was supposed to be a stress test. I guess they are prejudiced. While my diastolic was a bit higher than usual, it wasn't THAT much higher. My pulse, however, was ridiculous. At 175/139 and a pulse of 118-120, not only did the tech not perform the test, she called in the nurse. The nurse got upset and called in the doctor. The doctor got upset, but since he was a man I punched him. Well, maybe I didn't punch him, but the drama classes they take sucked. Still, I was outside or on the border of the limits, so. The doc asked if I would take something, and I tentatively agreed, if it was low dose and not something I had tried before. He gave me a script for carvedilol. After looking it up, this looks like exactly the type of medicine I shouldn't even consider. It can increase blood glucose, it may cause a difficulty with breathing, and it will definitely cause exhaustion. Oh well. Next...
Then I went to... some other clinic. A clinic that tested my lung capacity. Two techs did the testing, as the one who started had to go to another clinic. The last of the two techs suggested that while there are problems, obvious problems, my lungs have slightly more capacity in my illness than his do as a healthy man. No doubt. Three years ago I was able to work up to doing two 100 yard laps underwater. I'm a fast swimmer, given all considerations, but not all that fast. Besides, even a fast swimmer isn't all that fast, that is just the way swimming is. They had me use a double dose of the inhaler for before and after testing. In at least one test I lost capacity after. I would guess the average increase was 3%, or less, using the inhaler (and a double dose at that). So, most likely the inhaler is useless to me.
Next I went to another clinic, I can't remember the name of it either. I ended up finding out where the first of the two techs from the last clinic went, as she did my initial intake. My blood pressure had dropped to 154/99 and my pulse was down to 108, wouldn't you know! Of course, I think that is because this is usually my sleep time (or has been for a while now). And I was quite tired. After the intake, I was seen by an intern. He did this, that, and finally the other thing. He asked me dozens of questions and I offered some information. He left and was gone long enough for me to look at the pictures and read half a dozen articles in two different magazines, neither of particular interest.
Finally he returned, with the head chief doctor. It seems each of my lungs, when I lay down, have between two and three inches of fluid in them. This equates, it was suggested, to several liters of fluid in each. My blood pressure, of course, according to him, is astronomical. He suggest I visit psychiatry, believing that psychotropics along with high blood pressure medicine will make me happy and healthy. Too tired to more than debate a few items, I realize I am doomed. Doesn't he realize psychotropics do similar things to me as high blood pressure? Probably not. The best I could really ever muster out of a day on that stuff was 12 hours of waking time, and only if I did nothing else. I gave psychiatrists ten years to get it right, five of them on one major mood lever, another five on another, and a whole bunch of various anti-depressants. Only going off that stuff allowed me to get away from being suicidal.
Well, can't say I didn't try. I did ask how long he thinks I have. I guess not long, though a real timetable was not offered. I am simply not sure when to call my mother. I think that, at this point, is merely a matter of time. Or I will simply run out of time. But then, they have been saying this for twelve years. Whatever. I need some sleep. Absolutely bushed. While I didn't grocery shop, I did pick up some aspirin, Tylenol, and Vasoline. The doc that gave me the script said it was okay to use the two together. Wait a minute, that can't be right. Look it up yourself. Hell, they are trying to kill me. He had to know my liver is already at least acting up. Oh well. Nap time.
Good night.
.
Oh, I made it. No sleep before I went, I just could not get to it. I did do another load of laundry though. I may have done something else too but I am so fried I simply can't remember. If today was a battle, I lost. Running from one massacre to the other, being chased by ghosts from the past and goblins in the here and now.
The first of the three appointments was supposed to be a stress test. I guess they are prejudiced. While my diastolic was a bit higher than usual, it wasn't THAT much higher. My pulse, however, was ridiculous. At 175/139 and a pulse of 118-120, not only did the tech not perform the test, she called in the nurse. The nurse got upset and called in the doctor. The doctor got upset, but since he was a man I punched him. Well, maybe I didn't punch him, but the drama classes they take sucked. Still, I was outside or on the border of the limits, so. The doc asked if I would take something, and I tentatively agreed, if it was low dose and not something I had tried before. He gave me a script for carvedilol. After looking it up, this looks like exactly the type of medicine I shouldn't even consider. It can increase blood glucose, it may cause a difficulty with breathing, and it will definitely cause exhaustion. Oh well. Next...
Then I went to... some other clinic. A clinic that tested my lung capacity. Two techs did the testing, as the one who started had to go to another clinic. The last of the two techs suggested that while there are problems, obvious problems, my lungs have slightly more capacity in my illness than his do as a healthy man. No doubt. Three years ago I was able to work up to doing two 100 yard laps underwater. I'm a fast swimmer, given all considerations, but not all that fast. Besides, even a fast swimmer isn't all that fast, that is just the way swimming is. They had me use a double dose of the inhaler for before and after testing. In at least one test I lost capacity after. I would guess the average increase was 3%, or less, using the inhaler (and a double dose at that). So, most likely the inhaler is useless to me.
Next I went to another clinic, I can't remember the name of it either. I ended up finding out where the first of the two techs from the last clinic went, as she did my initial intake. My blood pressure had dropped to 154/99 and my pulse was down to 108, wouldn't you know! Of course, I think that is because this is usually my sleep time (or has been for a while now). And I was quite tired. After the intake, I was seen by an intern. He did this, that, and finally the other thing. He asked me dozens of questions and I offered some information. He left and was gone long enough for me to look at the pictures and read half a dozen articles in two different magazines, neither of particular interest.
Finally he returned, with the head chief doctor. It seems each of my lungs, when I lay down, have between two and three inches of fluid in them. This equates, it was suggested, to several liters of fluid in each. My blood pressure, of course, according to him, is astronomical. He suggest I visit psychiatry, believing that psychotropics along with high blood pressure medicine will make me happy and healthy. Too tired to more than debate a few items, I realize I am doomed. Doesn't he realize psychotropics do similar things to me as high blood pressure? Probably not. The best I could really ever muster out of a day on that stuff was 12 hours of waking time, and only if I did nothing else. I gave psychiatrists ten years to get it right, five of them on one major mood lever, another five on another, and a whole bunch of various anti-depressants. Only going off that stuff allowed me to get away from being suicidal.
Well, can't say I didn't try. I did ask how long he thinks I have. I guess not long, though a real timetable was not offered. I am simply not sure when to call my mother. I think that, at this point, is merely a matter of time. Or I will simply run out of time. But then, they have been saying this for twelve years. Whatever. I need some sleep. Absolutely bushed. While I didn't grocery shop, I did pick up some aspirin, Tylenol, and Vasoline. The doc that gave me the script said it was okay to use the two together. Wait a minute, that can't be right. Look it up yourself. Hell, they are trying to kill me. He had to know my liver is already at least acting up. Oh well. Nap time.
Good night.
About nap time.
.
.
I hope I can keep the sleep to a minimum. I know I will need a bit before trying to head out for the three appointments and the long drive. While the drive can be frustrating, with slow drivers or truckers blocking the passing lanes, faster drivers taking extreme risks when passing, and the general dissatisfaction of not being able to use cruise (saves on gas, and nerves, when I can use it), when I park I am done with the frustration. I don't keep some things like that around, as I have seen others do.
A load is about finished in the dryer. No dishes were cleaned. I did review a few sites regarding flooring and a kitchen island. I also looked for a lawyer regarding some issues with my home. Actually, I am not sure if a real estate lawyer or a contract lawyer is who I should be calling. And it doesn't look like a junk yard dog is to be had as a lawyer, from what I have seen. I doubt if much, as I had suggested, will be done tomorrow. I might be able to do some shopping. If I do rise easily and well, I might even be able to add some money to my account here. The rest of the phone calls will have to wait until Thursday, as will form filling and sending.
I do think those things will be done. With a slightly elevated sleep platform and the use of aspirin, life has suddenly opened up. I might be able to work my days and nights around again. And yet, pushing too hard will only take me right back to where I was. But with no required outings after this small list is tended until midweek next week, I might be able to mow before the weekend. If nothing else it would be one fewer items weighing on my mind.
Good night.
.
I hope I can keep the sleep to a minimum. I know I will need a bit before trying to head out for the three appointments and the long drive. While the drive can be frustrating, with slow drivers or truckers blocking the passing lanes, faster drivers taking extreme risks when passing, and the general dissatisfaction of not being able to use cruise (saves on gas, and nerves, when I can use it), when I park I am done with the frustration. I don't keep some things like that around, as I have seen others do.
A load is about finished in the dryer. No dishes were cleaned. I did review a few sites regarding flooring and a kitchen island. I also looked for a lawyer regarding some issues with my home. Actually, I am not sure if a real estate lawyer or a contract lawyer is who I should be calling. And it doesn't look like a junk yard dog is to be had as a lawyer, from what I have seen. I doubt if much, as I had suggested, will be done tomorrow. I might be able to do some shopping. If I do rise easily and well, I might even be able to add some money to my account here. The rest of the phone calls will have to wait until Thursday, as will form filling and sending.
I do think those things will be done. With a slightly elevated sleep platform and the use of aspirin, life has suddenly opened up. I might be able to work my days and nights around again. And yet, pushing too hard will only take me right back to where I was. But with no required outings after this small list is tended until midweek next week, I might be able to mow before the weekend. If nothing else it would be one fewer items weighing on my mind.
Good night.
Just because...
.
.
I am not sure what the new health issues fully entail. So I can think about things a bit, if nothing else to get my mind off of the elephant in the room. While a complete kitchen renovation is out, almost no matter what happens due to time and money in even the most optimistic of scenarios, I can imagine doing some things to my home. Of course, even that is a bit tempered. Why invest money and time into a home I will not live in long enough to build wealth enough to receive a return, as things were once considered? Then again, if I will be here for even a few more years, why not do an improvement I would immensely enjoy so long as the upgrade doesn't impinge on my family. I need to make sure I save enough that travel and my final costs are taken care of with my money.
One of the things I keep considering is a kitchen island. No, not just a flat surface upon which to cut meat and vegetables, if that is also a large part of it. What I have in mind is an area with a gas stove top (easily attached, since the kitchen is right above the furnace, though that work would have to be subcontracted), a sink, and maybe a dining area, all in one chunk of island. Sure, a little fancy, but it would make the kitchen I have so much more functional and enjoyable. As is, part of my problem with keeping up with the kitchen cleaning is that I have to fight for every square inch of work space, and many of the design features are not relevant to my style of cooking (or cleaning).
The problem with this project, and of course there are always problems, is that the flooring is both old and uneven. I would have to consider stripping the current flooring down to the subflooring, looking that over and possibly doing some rebuilding, using one of several leveling products, then building a new level top flooring surface. While definitely a price consideration, with a little bit of ingenuity, elbow grease, and a little prudence in materials, I believe that could be done. Further, it would add to the kitchen with regards to function and pleasure of use in my own time, should my time be more than a few years. As to adding to value... by now, we should all know that little will add to the actual value (or should I say price?) of a home, save using solid gold and silver construction materials. Prices, everywhere, will either stay level or decrease for the foreseeable future, with rare exceptions. No, this is about adding something for myself and perhaps the next owners. Any improvements are a net loss, as is mere maintenance. But like home ownership itself, for me, it is not an economic consideration mostly (if ownership does save by being less than rent).
This might all be a pipe-dream, for all I know I have a very short time. And yet, I can't help but dream a little dream. Looking at diy sites, reviewing materials, techniques, and ideas, viewing pictures of completed projects, just to say I am doing something else beside simply considering health. I now have many, if not quite all, of the tools needed. I even have some limited experience and successful ones at that. Actually, I spend only what time is required regarding health, and then on peripherally. The crux of the problem seems to be a problem without a solution, so it is difficult to engage. He said, she said, while I drown in lung juice. Bah! Well, on to more research.
.
I am not sure what the new health issues fully entail. So I can think about things a bit, if nothing else to get my mind off of the elephant in the room. While a complete kitchen renovation is out, almost no matter what happens due to time and money in even the most optimistic of scenarios, I can imagine doing some things to my home. Of course, even that is a bit tempered. Why invest money and time into a home I will not live in long enough to build wealth enough to receive a return, as things were once considered? Then again, if I will be here for even a few more years, why not do an improvement I would immensely enjoy so long as the upgrade doesn't impinge on my family. I need to make sure I save enough that travel and my final costs are taken care of with my money.
One of the things I keep considering is a kitchen island. No, not just a flat surface upon which to cut meat and vegetables, if that is also a large part of it. What I have in mind is an area with a gas stove top (easily attached, since the kitchen is right above the furnace, though that work would have to be subcontracted), a sink, and maybe a dining area, all in one chunk of island. Sure, a little fancy, but it would make the kitchen I have so much more functional and enjoyable. As is, part of my problem with keeping up with the kitchen cleaning is that I have to fight for every square inch of work space, and many of the design features are not relevant to my style of cooking (or cleaning).
The problem with this project, and of course there are always problems, is that the flooring is both old and uneven. I would have to consider stripping the current flooring down to the subflooring, looking that over and possibly doing some rebuilding, using one of several leveling products, then building a new level top flooring surface. While definitely a price consideration, with a little bit of ingenuity, elbow grease, and a little prudence in materials, I believe that could be done. Further, it would add to the kitchen with regards to function and pleasure of use in my own time, should my time be more than a few years. As to adding to value... by now, we should all know that little will add to the actual value (or should I say price?) of a home, save using solid gold and silver construction materials. Prices, everywhere, will either stay level or decrease for the foreseeable future, with rare exceptions. No, this is about adding something for myself and perhaps the next owners. Any improvements are a net loss, as is mere maintenance. But like home ownership itself, for me, it is not an economic consideration mostly (if ownership does save by being less than rent).
This might all be a pipe-dream, for all I know I have a very short time. And yet, I can't help but dream a little dream. Looking at diy sites, reviewing materials, techniques, and ideas, viewing pictures of completed projects, just to say I am doing something else beside simply considering health. I now have many, if not quite all, of the tools needed. I even have some limited experience and successful ones at that. Actually, I spend only what time is required regarding health, and then on peripherally. The crux of the problem seems to be a problem without a solution, so it is difficult to engage. He said, she said, while I drown in lung juice. Bah! Well, on to more research.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Just a few things can really make it easy.
.
.
Along with painkillers, raising my bed using two stacks of two 2x4s made for very easy sleep. I honestly didn't think such a minor elevation would do anything. I also doubted stability. Still, that I ran with it at my first real opportunity should also say something. Doubting is fine, never trying is something else entirely. I don't just sit and huddle with my misery. I seek solutions, listen to advice, and take every bit of it that I can. I implement, shuffle, work with what I can, and try to simplify things. Anyone who doubts that simply hasn't been paying attention (though I give them credit for doubting!).
A good long easy sleep, from about 14:00 until 22:00, and easier than I can remember awakening, a few more pain pills, and I am hoping to do some laundry and dishes yet tonight. My mind, eased and cleared by a lack of pain, pain I had not realized existed, will offer opportunity. Like all things opportunity, my native ability to grasp that is only ever slightly better or worse. But, it does exist. Beyond taking care of a few tasks, my hope is to get back to sleep for a few hours before having to leave for my appointments. Due to my recent situation regarding sleep, I will use two alarm clocks to try and ensure I rise in time.
So much is happening in the world of news. To put it bluntly, most of it seems to be political shifts being created through exposures of what had been status quo. People are being destroyed or built up. A few are finding the tepid waters of politics past are no longer in play. Everybody is lighting fires here there and everywhere just to see the reaction. Republicans, by now, have to realize the Dems are only first, house cleaning is also coming to a roost near them. The revolt has started and it is remaining a thing within the political arena.
I am not sure if politicians, of any stripe, can't or won't change. Many of them are talking the talk but failing in the walking section that comes next. Have they sold out and simply can't buy their way free? Do they think we will simply forget, or after being betrayed often enough will merely roll like we always have? I can see that some of them are quite torn. Most of them are quite afraid. How can they keep eating their cake and having it to with such an "unreasonable" electorate? Frightened. You can only have one master, and most of them have chosen a master which has nothing to do with electing them. Even women seem to be voting against their nature, leaving blacks as the only group which continues to vote for more, harder, faster, of the same.
Who knows. I still do not know if this is all a flash in the pan. Lots of smoke, a boom, and... And what? After Dems are further annihilated, if we see Reps being tossed, we will know. Even then, it will take months of Sundays, not a few election cycles. Retraining through attrition of the political class. Some things to look for in success? Term limits. Hard, solid, unavoidable spending caps (constitutional amendment type), destruction of whole departments in the government and an end to departmental legislative power, a reduction in all tax bases as well as an extreme simplification (such as and preferably a flat tax all HAVE TO PAY), and an end and destruction of most "civil rights", quotas, and such. Of course, politicians currently seem stuck on having a difficult time cutting $350m from spending, so... don't hold your breath. But... don't give up. Not ever. This nation IS worth the fight, or... was.
I don't know. With news of a man and woman of similar age who live as mother and "baby", who live on SSI, where he drives and builds his cribs and dresses correctly when in public, I am not sure... if the nation can be saved. He says he will commit suicide if his "income" is cut? Cut it, I want pictures. As for me, at this point? Cut me, I'll just go live under a bridge or something. When a nation surrenders to suicide, it will most surely surrender to suicide bombers (or put them on SSI). Frag!
.
Along with painkillers, raising my bed using two stacks of two 2x4s made for very easy sleep. I honestly didn't think such a minor elevation would do anything. I also doubted stability. Still, that I ran with it at my first real opportunity should also say something. Doubting is fine, never trying is something else entirely. I don't just sit and huddle with my misery. I seek solutions, listen to advice, and take every bit of it that I can. I implement, shuffle, work with what I can, and try to simplify things. Anyone who doubts that simply hasn't been paying attention (though I give them credit for doubting!).
A good long easy sleep, from about 14:00 until 22:00, and easier than I can remember awakening, a few more pain pills, and I am hoping to do some laundry and dishes yet tonight. My mind, eased and cleared by a lack of pain, pain I had not realized existed, will offer opportunity. Like all things opportunity, my native ability to grasp that is only ever slightly better or worse. But, it does exist. Beyond taking care of a few tasks, my hope is to get back to sleep for a few hours before having to leave for my appointments. Due to my recent situation regarding sleep, I will use two alarm clocks to try and ensure I rise in time.
So much is happening in the world of news. To put it bluntly, most of it seems to be political shifts being created through exposures of what had been status quo. People are being destroyed or built up. A few are finding the tepid waters of politics past are no longer in play. Everybody is lighting fires here there and everywhere just to see the reaction. Republicans, by now, have to realize the Dems are only first, house cleaning is also coming to a roost near them. The revolt has started and it is remaining a thing within the political arena.
I am not sure if politicians, of any stripe, can't or won't change. Many of them are talking the talk but failing in the walking section that comes next. Have they sold out and simply can't buy their way free? Do they think we will simply forget, or after being betrayed often enough will merely roll like we always have? I can see that some of them are quite torn. Most of them are quite afraid. How can they keep eating their cake and having it to with such an "unreasonable" electorate? Frightened. You can only have one master, and most of them have chosen a master which has nothing to do with electing them. Even women seem to be voting against their nature, leaving blacks as the only group which continues to vote for more, harder, faster, of the same.
Who knows. I still do not know if this is all a flash in the pan. Lots of smoke, a boom, and... And what? After Dems are further annihilated, if we see Reps being tossed, we will know. Even then, it will take months of Sundays, not a few election cycles. Retraining through attrition of the political class. Some things to look for in success? Term limits. Hard, solid, unavoidable spending caps (constitutional amendment type), destruction of whole departments in the government and an end to departmental legislative power, a reduction in all tax bases as well as an extreme simplification (such as and preferably a flat tax all HAVE TO PAY), and an end and destruction of most "civil rights", quotas, and such. Of course, politicians currently seem stuck on having a difficult time cutting $350m from spending, so... don't hold your breath. But... don't give up. Not ever. This nation IS worth the fight, or... was.
I don't know. With news of a man and woman of similar age who live as mother and "baby", who live on SSI, where he drives and builds his cribs and dresses correctly when in public, I am not sure... if the nation can be saved. He says he will commit suicide if his "income" is cut? Cut it, I want pictures. As for me, at this point? Cut me, I'll just go live under a bridge or something. When a nation surrenders to suicide, it will most surely surrender to suicide bombers (or put them on SSI). Frag!
How easy was that!?!
.
.
While I do not believe I will be making a trip into town, I did make a half dozen phone calls. After making most of them, I realized I had to make a few more in order to be able to plan other things. Sassy goes in next Tuesday, my priest just returned from sabbatical but will not officially be back until Monday or Tuesday. I left a voice message, careful to offer my phone number slowly. I started off shooting it out like lightning then retracted and slowed. I have not yet heard back from the cardiology clinic but I will stay awake a few more hours, hoping to see to that. And, finally, I called to set up the return of the sleep test machine. Thankfully, setting that outside is enough meaning if I wanted to go to town or get to sleep I am not tied to waiting. The last thing I will do, other than wait for that phone call, is to bring in a few pieces of 2x4 to elevate my bed a bit, adding a few more pillows to the mix as well, to see if I can find some mix of various pillows that allows more comfort.
As I tire, the pain is returning. Pain pills, it seems, will only work when I am in a rested state. I suspected any other strain would weaken the effect. Still, that I have done what I have done is a small miracle. And all due to cutting the pain enough to think, breathe, and then use those things to concentrate my efforts. Just to be able to function after such frustration the last two days makes this a great day. I have a bum's rush of tests and a final review appointment tomorrow. After that, I can take it easy until next week sometime. But I still need to mow. I still have dishes to do. And I still need to finish up the laundry. I think, with a little pain relief, these things should be no real issue.
Good... night. You know what I mean.
One more phone call made, to cancel an appointment I almost forgot was to take place this afternoon. As well, after what seemed like wrestling with a bear, I elevated my bed using a couple of 2x4's under each side. The bed is rather a tight fit anyway, so getting enough room on both sides of the bed to slide in 2x4s just right while on my hands and knees was a bit more tricky then had I thought it would be. Heavy breathing be damned, full steam ahead, mostly. All good. Still waiting on the call though from cardiology. Just... call... please!?! I am so very tired now.
.
While I do not believe I will be making a trip into town, I did make a half dozen phone calls. After making most of them, I realized I had to make a few more in order to be able to plan other things. Sassy goes in next Tuesday, my priest just returned from sabbatical but will not officially be back until Monday or Tuesday. I left a voice message, careful to offer my phone number slowly. I started off shooting it out like lightning then retracted and slowed. I have not yet heard back from the cardiology clinic but I will stay awake a few more hours, hoping to see to that. And, finally, I called to set up the return of the sleep test machine. Thankfully, setting that outside is enough meaning if I wanted to go to town or get to sleep I am not tied to waiting. The last thing I will do, other than wait for that phone call, is to bring in a few pieces of 2x4 to elevate my bed a bit, adding a few more pillows to the mix as well, to see if I can find some mix of various pillows that allows more comfort.
As I tire, the pain is returning. Pain pills, it seems, will only work when I am in a rested state. I suspected any other strain would weaken the effect. Still, that I have done what I have done is a small miracle. And all due to cutting the pain enough to think, breathe, and then use those things to concentrate my efforts. Just to be able to function after such frustration the last two days makes this a great day. I have a bum's rush of tests and a final review appointment tomorrow. After that, I can take it easy until next week sometime. But I still need to mow. I still have dishes to do. And I still need to finish up the laundry. I think, with a little pain relief, these things should be no real issue.
Good... night. You know what I mean.
One more phone call made, to cancel an appointment I almost forgot was to take place this afternoon. As well, after what seemed like wrestling with a bear, I elevated my bed using a couple of 2x4's under each side. The bed is rather a tight fit anyway, so getting enough room on both sides of the bed to slide in 2x4s just right while on my hands and knees was a bit more tricky then had I thought it would be. Heavy breathing be damned, full steam ahead, mostly. All good. Still waiting on the call though from cardiology. Just... call... please!?! I am so very tired now.
Heart failure, it seems.
.
.
Finally getting to some things today, I checked my phone messages. The man who reviewed the echo-cardiogram suggested that I am having unspecified heart failure. It was suggested that I call and speak to a specific woman and consider making an appointment. The suggestion is that my current medicine is not adequate for my condition. I just called and left a message. Before I decide whether to make an appointment, I will ask what type of medication is recommended. If this goes back to the same old same old, I will suggest they merely transfer the information to my primary and that I work with her at finding suitable medication to ease the pain(s) as they come. They probably either do not know of my inability to take medication (yet), know but think more talking will somehow make it possible for me to take it, or whatever. I have sort of given up on them.
I just received a call indicating I have a series of appointments tomorrow. A stress test, something something, and then something else. A good thing they called, I... either lost track or these were set up without my involvement. I will do my best to get there and do that. I suppose the more information they have, the more accurate their prognosis. Or is it merely a waste of time?
I was about to shower and dress, then I decided to check my messages, which lead to a phone call by me, which seems to have triggered a call back. I don't think it is coincidence. They must know by now how notoriously difficult it is to catch me and might use my calling them as a trigger to try and reach me. Utah, if nothing else, is extremely regimented, legalistic, and socialized. It knows much more about almost any particular person than what I would consider... wise. It is one of the things that should be noted, something I did not know, before moving here. While Idaho is probably freer, it is also rather unprepared save for the homesteaders, farmers, and ranchers who live through thick and thin and know to store. Those also live far spread out, and are easy targets in bad times. Trade-offs is how it goes.
A shower, I think, first off. While I dry, a few more calls. Then to the big city for my humble needs. Is it really after 10:00? Good. Hopefully I can figure out how to sleep this afternoon or evening and enough to see me through tomorrow. I will need to leave here by 8:00 or 8:30, if I will most likely not be able to get going until 9:00. I hate to rush but I don't seem to be able to get anywhere early.
Heart failure? Hmmm. We will see what we will see. Still, my left ventricle is NOT larger than my right.
.
Finally getting to some things today, I checked my phone messages. The man who reviewed the echo-cardiogram suggested that I am having unspecified heart failure. It was suggested that I call and speak to a specific woman and consider making an appointment. The suggestion is that my current medicine is not adequate for my condition. I just called and left a message. Before I decide whether to make an appointment, I will ask what type of medication is recommended. If this goes back to the same old same old, I will suggest they merely transfer the information to my primary and that I work with her at finding suitable medication to ease the pain(s) as they come. They probably either do not know of my inability to take medication (yet), know but think more talking will somehow make it possible for me to take it, or whatever. I have sort of given up on them.
I just received a call indicating I have a series of appointments tomorrow. A stress test, something something, and then something else. A good thing they called, I... either lost track or these were set up without my involvement. I will do my best to get there and do that. I suppose the more information they have, the more accurate their prognosis. Or is it merely a waste of time?
I was about to shower and dress, then I decided to check my messages, which lead to a phone call by me, which seems to have triggered a call back. I don't think it is coincidence. They must know by now how notoriously difficult it is to catch me and might use my calling them as a trigger to try and reach me. Utah, if nothing else, is extremely regimented, legalistic, and socialized. It knows much more about almost any particular person than what I would consider... wise. It is one of the things that should be noted, something I did not know, before moving here. While Idaho is probably freer, it is also rather unprepared save for the homesteaders, farmers, and ranchers who live through thick and thin and know to store. Those also live far spread out, and are easy targets in bad times. Trade-offs is how it goes.
A shower, I think, first off. While I dry, a few more calls. Then to the big city for my humble needs. Is it really after 10:00? Good. Hopefully I can figure out how to sleep this afternoon or evening and enough to see me through tomorrow. I will need to leave here by 8:00 or 8:30, if I will most likely not be able to get going until 9:00. I hate to rush but I don't seem to be able to get anywhere early.
Heart failure? Hmmm. We will see what we will see. Still, my left ventricle is NOT larger than my right.
Why debt?
.
.
I keep hearing how federal and state governments have grown through debt in some wild hope that the bill will never come due. At this point, just the interest on those debts is eating far too much of the revenue to be sane, never mind sustainable. It is not as if Americans were ignorant of what their government was doing. By demanding services while declining tax increases, they required their officials to borrow. And, why not? How much debt is the average American trucking around with all by himself?
Now, why is the average American carrying $84k in debt with an average income of about $40k? Well, let's think a bit. First, the dollar has been in serious decline for about 70 years. At some point, consciously or not, people realize saving money in banks is losing money no matter the interest rates. Of course, many neither know nor care, so long as they have beer and eggs. But for the rest, they begin looking for other, more secure, more sure, methods of growing wealth.
Other financial instruments include commodities, stocks, bonds, municipalities, foreign currencies, land, and manufacturing and other capital. I am sure there are a few others, not being an economist I don't have the full scope of things. For example, art. A Picasso might be an idiots version of art, but it is rare, more readily identifiable, and no more are being made. I am not exactly sure where to place such an asset. In any case, one of the biggest currency exchanges was a dying dollar for land and houses.
The problem with all of those wealth building alternatives is that they have all proven easy to manipulate. Quite often our government has directed wealth in whatever direction if felt would be best for the state. Expanding housing prices lead to a greater revenue stream, for example. This one is safer from taxes, that one usually offers a better return, the other one is slow but sure. Or so it was thought.
How much wealth has actually simply ceased to exist is difficult to tell. The truth is, much of what ceased to exist never existed in the first place. Much like the federal government indicating the debt ceiling would be hit by now, it turns out through tricks and schemes, the debt ceiling will not be hit until August. Just jazzy. The truth is, we could not raise the debt ceiling and play with things indefinitely, at least this and other dishonest administrations could.
So, what does the government do about all the debt? Why, since it is based on debt, it tries to force banks into offering easy terms for borrowing, loosening supply, and adding to the number of available notes. While this seems to be a part of the post-game wrap-up, this is only being noticed now because of the grandiose nature of it's implementation. The truth is, this is exactly what has been happening for over half a century. It is the definition of stupid, that being; if something fails, and continues to fail, the only thing to do is to repeat and harder in order to achieve a favorable result.
Every bubble and bust has been an attempt to find a safer or better return on investment than what the dollar would produce. That the U.S. dollar is still attached to oil means oil is nearly as worthless, in truth, as the dollar. I did note OPEC considered changing the measure of the price of oil to a number of currencies and financial instruments... right before the Euro proved too hot to handle and gold started to become untouchable and unmanageable. Coincidence? Better a slow death of wealth than an abrupt collapse I suppose.
While I do not believe wealth, it's movement and creation, are within the purview of a single man or group of men, I do think it is harnessed and ridden by a number of "crown princes". If there is one other thing I am sure of, these crown princes spend as much time fighting each other for the pickings as stealing from us. Big bankers? No, but the families behind them indeed. The CEO of Bank of America is... merely an employee. If one who would sell you, me, and the family(ies) which own BoA for a single huge payout, in cooperation with the board of trustees and federal regulators mind you.
So, where does that leave Six-pack Joe? It probably means that as the dollar shrinks, investment money flees, and foreign startups take hold, he will become Chinese. While I do see manners in which this could be easily avoided, to America's favor, I don't see the political will among politicians. Not even "conservatives". Global warming hysteria, for example, is code-word for world-wide financial equalization. I am not sure tea-party elect even have much say, even if we filled the house, senate, and president's office with such. I am not sure they have the will, or power, or resolve. There is nothing like sipping whine in gay D.C. to forget the whims of the peasants. We will see, I suppose. And probably shortly... if the American mind has a longer attention span than the average gold fish that is.
.
I keep hearing how federal and state governments have grown through debt in some wild hope that the bill will never come due. At this point, just the interest on those debts is eating far too much of the revenue to be sane, never mind sustainable. It is not as if Americans were ignorant of what their government was doing. By demanding services while declining tax increases, they required their officials to borrow. And, why not? How much debt is the average American trucking around with all by himself?
Now, why is the average American carrying $84k in debt with an average income of about $40k? Well, let's think a bit. First, the dollar has been in serious decline for about 70 years. At some point, consciously or not, people realize saving money in banks is losing money no matter the interest rates. Of course, many neither know nor care, so long as they have beer and eggs. But for the rest, they begin looking for other, more secure, more sure, methods of growing wealth.
Other financial instruments include commodities, stocks, bonds, municipalities, foreign currencies, land, and manufacturing and other capital. I am sure there are a few others, not being an economist I don't have the full scope of things. For example, art. A Picasso might be an idiots version of art, but it is rare, more readily identifiable, and no more are being made. I am not exactly sure where to place such an asset. In any case, one of the biggest currency exchanges was a dying dollar for land and houses.
The problem with all of those wealth building alternatives is that they have all proven easy to manipulate. Quite often our government has directed wealth in whatever direction if felt would be best for the state. Expanding housing prices lead to a greater revenue stream, for example. This one is safer from taxes, that one usually offers a better return, the other one is slow but sure. Or so it was thought.
How much wealth has actually simply ceased to exist is difficult to tell. The truth is, much of what ceased to exist never existed in the first place. Much like the federal government indicating the debt ceiling would be hit by now, it turns out through tricks and schemes, the debt ceiling will not be hit until August. Just jazzy. The truth is, we could not raise the debt ceiling and play with things indefinitely, at least this and other dishonest administrations could.
So, what does the government do about all the debt? Why, since it is based on debt, it tries to force banks into offering easy terms for borrowing, loosening supply, and adding to the number of available notes. While this seems to be a part of the post-game wrap-up, this is only being noticed now because of the grandiose nature of it's implementation. The truth is, this is exactly what has been happening for over half a century. It is the definition of stupid, that being; if something fails, and continues to fail, the only thing to do is to repeat and harder in order to achieve a favorable result.
Every bubble and bust has been an attempt to find a safer or better return on investment than what the dollar would produce. That the U.S. dollar is still attached to oil means oil is nearly as worthless, in truth, as the dollar. I did note OPEC considered changing the measure of the price of oil to a number of currencies and financial instruments... right before the Euro proved too hot to handle and gold started to become untouchable and unmanageable. Coincidence? Better a slow death of wealth than an abrupt collapse I suppose.
While I do not believe wealth, it's movement and creation, are within the purview of a single man or group of men, I do think it is harnessed and ridden by a number of "crown princes". If there is one other thing I am sure of, these crown princes spend as much time fighting each other for the pickings as stealing from us. Big bankers? No, but the families behind them indeed. The CEO of Bank of America is... merely an employee. If one who would sell you, me, and the family(ies) which own BoA for a single huge payout, in cooperation with the board of trustees and federal regulators mind you.
So, where does that leave Six-pack Joe? It probably means that as the dollar shrinks, investment money flees, and foreign startups take hold, he will become Chinese. While I do see manners in which this could be easily avoided, to America's favor, I don't see the political will among politicians. Not even "conservatives". Global warming hysteria, for example, is code-word for world-wide financial equalization. I am not sure tea-party elect even have much say, even if we filled the house, senate, and president's office with such. I am not sure they have the will, or power, or resolve. There is nothing like sipping whine in gay D.C. to forget the whims of the peasants. We will see, I suppose. And probably shortly... if the American mind has a longer attention span than the average gold fish that is.
Alright, now to test.
.
.
I am sitting here, getting ready to... live. I think I will be making it into town to take care of some business, do a bit of grocery shopping, and to pick up some vasoline. I am hoping when that is done I will be able to make a few phone calls. I am not sure how far I can stretch into the day but that isn't exactly the point. The point of what is happening is how much I can successfully do. Since my sleep cycle is such a weird animal, I have long ago learned to focus more on getting things done than on an arbitrary measure of time.
What has changed is that the pain I felt, and the inability to ever catch my breath, has been eliminated by using aspirin. With that easing, I now find that I can do much more. It is simply amazing how such a minor seeming thing like aspirin can allow me nearly full access to my capabilities. I didn't see pain as the problem, only a symptom. I was incorrect. I do not know how long aspirin will work. And, right at this moment, I don't care. It has always been about taking advantage of whatever a little or large window provided.
I need to call the sleep study people and arrange for the device to be returned. I need to call my doctor and see what is happening with this, that, and the other things. I would also like to call my priest and the veterinarian clinic for an appointment, though I am not sure whether to set those appointments for the morning or afternoon. (It is not knowing, because of my sleep problems, when to set things up to offer me a better chance of being somewhere that often... makes me reluctant to try.) I will also, if I have time and energy, like to look over the forms for a the rebate from buying my home and call the insurance agency regarding a settlement. What I can't complete today I feel almost certain I should be able to complete tomorrow, literally.
One thing I was finally able to figure out, mostly, was some checking anomalies. I still don't have it all figured out, but I am getting closer. I will look over a few things again. Being a stranger in a strange land means one has to be more cautious and also makes it easy to get a bit jumpy. It also means I look at problems much more closely before flinging feces and raising a ruckus. The less of that going on, the better.
My bp is sucking, by the way. At 180's/140's, the diastolic is nasty and up 20 from the usual, the systolic might not be good but it is relatively normal and sometimes has been as low as in the high 160's. I honestly wonder if the growing pain and disease with breathing and eating have caused the higher diastolic. A few days on aspirin and I will know more. Oh, it looks like I have enough in my account currently to try and order a few alternative medicines. Which I will do in my lead up to taking a shower and before racing off to get some things done.
Woot! I love the idea that I can do something today. Pain killers, really? And mild ones. Good day.
.
I am sitting here, getting ready to... live. I think I will be making it into town to take care of some business, do a bit of grocery shopping, and to pick up some vasoline. I am hoping when that is done I will be able to make a few phone calls. I am not sure how far I can stretch into the day but that isn't exactly the point. The point of what is happening is how much I can successfully do. Since my sleep cycle is such a weird animal, I have long ago learned to focus more on getting things done than on an arbitrary measure of time.
What has changed is that the pain I felt, and the inability to ever catch my breath, has been eliminated by using aspirin. With that easing, I now find that I can do much more. It is simply amazing how such a minor seeming thing like aspirin can allow me nearly full access to my capabilities. I didn't see pain as the problem, only a symptom. I was incorrect. I do not know how long aspirin will work. And, right at this moment, I don't care. It has always been about taking advantage of whatever a little or large window provided.
I need to call the sleep study people and arrange for the device to be returned. I need to call my doctor and see what is happening with this, that, and the other things. I would also like to call my priest and the veterinarian clinic for an appointment, though I am not sure whether to set those appointments for the morning or afternoon. (It is not knowing, because of my sleep problems, when to set things up to offer me a better chance of being somewhere that often... makes me reluctant to try.) I will also, if I have time and energy, like to look over the forms for a the rebate from buying my home and call the insurance agency regarding a settlement. What I can't complete today I feel almost certain I should be able to complete tomorrow, literally.
One thing I was finally able to figure out, mostly, was some checking anomalies. I still don't have it all figured out, but I am getting closer. I will look over a few things again. Being a stranger in a strange land means one has to be more cautious and also makes it easy to get a bit jumpy. It also means I look at problems much more closely before flinging feces and raising a ruckus. The less of that going on, the better.
My bp is sucking, by the way. At 180's/140's, the diastolic is nasty and up 20 from the usual, the systolic might not be good but it is relatively normal and sometimes has been as low as in the high 160's. I honestly wonder if the growing pain and disease with breathing and eating have caused the higher diastolic. A few days on aspirin and I will know more. Oh, it looks like I have enough in my account currently to try and order a few alternative medicines. Which I will do in my lead up to taking a shower and before racing off to get some things done.
Woot! I love the idea that I can do something today. Pain killers, really? And mild ones. Good day.
Pain killers.
.
.
Why I didn't consider it before now I can't be sure. But several attempts to dose the side ache pain down to size, even if for a bit, never really crossed my mind until recently. I tried a 600, then 900, then 1200, and finally at 1500 mg the stuff finally worked. The only difficult part was waiting the allotted time between doses. There is no other real way to see what minimal dose would work. Overlap by taking another dosage level would simply have confused the thing. While I can tell the pain is still there, I am not as subject to it. This might allow me a couple of things.
First, my mother suggested that I use 2x4 pieces, or bricks, under the head of the bed so as to gain some altitude or angle for easier sleeping. Simply put, I have not been able to clear my mind well enough to concentrate to get to even this simple thing. I have quite a few smaller 2x4 remnants from putting the bench together. As well, and with the addition of a slightly raised platform upon which to attempt to sleep more comfortably, I might be able to begin working changing my sleep times. Days are vital but have been unattainable.
While 1500mg of aspirin is one and a half of recommended dosage, my guess is the dose is aimed at people weighing about 140 to 160 pounds. At the top amount, 160 + 80 = 240, which might suggest a dose and a half. Possibly making the dosage well within reason, if weight is a consideration while still leaving room for the dosage increase to not be purely linear in the recommended by weight increase. So, for now, I will continue to dose at the current level in hopes I can claw my way forward to other medical interventions. I continually question medical intervention, for many reasons, and yet they probably do have the keys. Whether they will or can use them, that is another question.
I watched a show tonight, though I have the DVD version. I watched the original the night before. The Matrix is devoid of God (and denying God through many implications). This is to be expected of science fiction which is based on science (or is it the other way around these days?). The only way a man wants to claim to be scientific (even roughly) he also has to be unGodly, so goes science fiction. In any case, there are some things I think it does have correct. Of course, being fiction in any case, and filtered through Hollywood, it grossly enhances the variances.
I am no Neo. But for a man who has sat on a couch or chair for most of the last twenty years, having little in the way of physical exercise, eating all the wrong foods, with high blood pressure, diabetes, and some unknown ailment which cause extreme exhaustion, my reflexes are more than simply remarkable. They would be remarkable for a young man in good shape. Catching a falling glass, let alone realizing one is falling in time to react, is something interesting. I have a pretty good idea of what I can and can't do. Most things are quite doable. Gravity, mass, and many other things are very mild compared to my reflexes. Further, neither my last gal nor my cats can sneak up on me (and they all tried or try). But there is more. It almost seems like I am a step ahead, even in my exhaustion. There is something to it. Further, I can still use my bastard sword as if I knew what I was doing. How, by the way, does someone actually learn to use a sword without ever... learning to use a sword?
The good and the bad about that, though, is that I will perform quite well, in limited engagements, right up to when I die. Just as I can take enough damage and continue to fight beyond the ability of my body to survive, I will remain seemingly functional right to the end. This makes it difficult for doctors to see the problem. Seeing, it seems, is believing. If I could unlock this, if I could walk again, I could almost fly. If I ever do unlock the mystery of being crippled, what I do will be shocking, at any age. There is something there, in the movie, something real. And then they completely bungle it, of course.
On to cats. Sassy seems to have come down with something. Her stools are loose and bodaciously rank. From a bit of searching, it could be anything from a urinary infection to diabetes to a parasite. Why Sam is fine I can't be sure. Sam has no symptoms in kind. Still, this development has given me a powerful new impetus to get to things again. Just the stench would almost be enough, but that it is one of my beloved is the sticking point. Further, after I have her checked out I will simply have to take Sam in next. It seems dry cat food by itself can cause diabetes. So, reluctantly because of the mess involved, I will be going to canned or pouch wet cat food. I am still not sure which brands are better, though high protein, decent fat contents, and very low carbs seem to be the high points of what to look for. This is all good anyway. For me to consider giving the cats away, should that become a need, they will have to have their shots up to date and have a clean bill of health. Two potential birds with one stone.
Sassy is maturing quite well. I have learned to play with her very nicely. Rather than making my hands and feet play toys, other than slight teasing, I have learned to make my various digits and their respective fleshy manipulators a thing to offer some input, love, and food. She is becoming quite the lady instead of the stir crazy midget pest she might have become. Sam, as always, is a lady. She simply enjoys being loved and tended... or not. Needing their own time too, but quite often preferring to sleep on or near pops. Sassy was worth the effort and I am quite proud of having watched and helped her mature.
Anyway, time to monkey with the bed, cool down, grab a few extra pillows, and after my next dose of painkillers, try to sleep a bit earlier in the hopes of having some daylight to work with tomorrow. Good night and God Bless.
.
Why I didn't consider it before now I can't be sure. But several attempts to dose the side ache pain down to size, even if for a bit, never really crossed my mind until recently. I tried a 600, then 900, then 1200, and finally at 1500 mg the stuff finally worked. The only difficult part was waiting the allotted time between doses. There is no other real way to see what minimal dose would work. Overlap by taking another dosage level would simply have confused the thing. While I can tell the pain is still there, I am not as subject to it. This might allow me a couple of things.
First, my mother suggested that I use 2x4 pieces, or bricks, under the head of the bed so as to gain some altitude or angle for easier sleeping. Simply put, I have not been able to clear my mind well enough to concentrate to get to even this simple thing. I have quite a few smaller 2x4 remnants from putting the bench together. As well, and with the addition of a slightly raised platform upon which to attempt to sleep more comfortably, I might be able to begin working changing my sleep times. Days are vital but have been unattainable.
While 1500mg of aspirin is one and a half of recommended dosage, my guess is the dose is aimed at people weighing about 140 to 160 pounds. At the top amount, 160 + 80 = 240, which might suggest a dose and a half. Possibly making the dosage well within reason, if weight is a consideration while still leaving room for the dosage increase to not be purely linear in the recommended by weight increase. So, for now, I will continue to dose at the current level in hopes I can claw my way forward to other medical interventions. I continually question medical intervention, for many reasons, and yet they probably do have the keys. Whether they will or can use them, that is another question.
I watched a show tonight, though I have the DVD version. I watched the original the night before. The Matrix is devoid of God (and denying God through many implications). This is to be expected of science fiction which is based on science (or is it the other way around these days?). The only way a man wants to claim to be scientific (even roughly) he also has to be unGodly, so goes science fiction. In any case, there are some things I think it does have correct. Of course, being fiction in any case, and filtered through Hollywood, it grossly enhances the variances.
I am no Neo. But for a man who has sat on a couch or chair for most of the last twenty years, having little in the way of physical exercise, eating all the wrong foods, with high blood pressure, diabetes, and some unknown ailment which cause extreme exhaustion, my reflexes are more than simply remarkable. They would be remarkable for a young man in good shape. Catching a falling glass, let alone realizing one is falling in time to react, is something interesting. I have a pretty good idea of what I can and can't do. Most things are quite doable. Gravity, mass, and many other things are very mild compared to my reflexes. Further, neither my last gal nor my cats can sneak up on me (and they all tried or try). But there is more. It almost seems like I am a step ahead, even in my exhaustion. There is something to it. Further, I can still use my bastard sword as if I knew what I was doing. How, by the way, does someone actually learn to use a sword without ever... learning to use a sword?
The good and the bad about that, though, is that I will perform quite well, in limited engagements, right up to when I die. Just as I can take enough damage and continue to fight beyond the ability of my body to survive, I will remain seemingly functional right to the end. This makes it difficult for doctors to see the problem. Seeing, it seems, is believing. If I could unlock this, if I could walk again, I could almost fly. If I ever do unlock the mystery of being crippled, what I do will be shocking, at any age. There is something there, in the movie, something real. And then they completely bungle it, of course.
On to cats. Sassy seems to have come down with something. Her stools are loose and bodaciously rank. From a bit of searching, it could be anything from a urinary infection to diabetes to a parasite. Why Sam is fine I can't be sure. Sam has no symptoms in kind. Still, this development has given me a powerful new impetus to get to things again. Just the stench would almost be enough, but that it is one of my beloved is the sticking point. Further, after I have her checked out I will simply have to take Sam in next. It seems dry cat food by itself can cause diabetes. So, reluctantly because of the mess involved, I will be going to canned or pouch wet cat food. I am still not sure which brands are better, though high protein, decent fat contents, and very low carbs seem to be the high points of what to look for. This is all good anyway. For me to consider giving the cats away, should that become a need, they will have to have their shots up to date and have a clean bill of health. Two potential birds with one stone.
Sassy is maturing quite well. I have learned to play with her very nicely. Rather than making my hands and feet play toys, other than slight teasing, I have learned to make my various digits and their respective fleshy manipulators a thing to offer some input, love, and food. She is becoming quite the lady instead of the stir crazy midget pest she might have become. Sam, as always, is a lady. She simply enjoys being loved and tended... or not. Needing their own time too, but quite often preferring to sleep on or near pops. Sassy was worth the effort and I am quite proud of having watched and helped her mature.
Anyway, time to monkey with the bed, cool down, grab a few extra pillows, and after my next dose of painkillers, try to sleep a bit earlier in the hopes of having some daylight to work with tomorrow. Good night and God Bless.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Enema of the State.
.
.
Enema? Well, I'm not an enemy of the state. I merely wish to flush out the infections. Whether that is even possible is unknown. One white blood cell can't do it. One dose of antibiotic can't do it. But a sustained push by even a third of the electorate will begin the process. And, actually, after the first flush, there will probably need to be more. Some of the politicians and bureaucrats have been infecting through their power longer than I have been alive. They stick to arteries like plaque. They cling to vital otherwise healthy cells in order to avoid either detection or elimination. And even when they are gone, the damage will have to be assessed. Is it too late or can repairs be made in time? This next election will show whether the infection is beginning to be flushed or if the body has chosen to die rather than try to fight for it's health. The last election was a minor flush. We need a royal flush, and several of them.
And, no, Republicans are only the next to be flushed. Democrats first, then many Republicans. Then the thing can begin to be reassessed. By the way, any who foolishly continue to vote for a Democrat for anything, mayor, city council, or sheriff, best rethink that. They are absolutely non-salvageable. They will harm you, they will herd you, they will use their force of station to subdue you. And they will laugh about it and rant insanely about whatever rights they just crushed under their or their own's heel.
Today is another rough one. Even with the nap last night, I ended up sleeping very long today. While getting to sleep proved simple, waking up was a nightmare. I tried several times before waking to abject failure. I simply could not keep conscious no matter what I tried. And worse, when I finally did rise, there was nothing much I could do. No mowing happened, of course. No phone calls.
I realize I am still in recovery from last week. And worse, this side ache from having to push to breath is getting worse. I simply can't find peace or rest. I can't, literally, ever quite catch my breath. I need to call the doctors but being unable to stay awake long enough into the day and waking so late, that simply hasn't yet been a possibility. It is simply going to play out however it does. In a worst case scenario, I might find myself, again, at the emergency room. I know, at some point, this side ache is going to complicate breathing beyond my ability to overcome it. Like an engine that is heating up from overuse, those muscles and my ability to use them will fail. The question I am left with is... when to go? Should I wait until I need to actually be taken or sometime before? How would I know? The noose is tightening, that is for sure.
Well, on to tinkering or doing something else. Later or good night.
.
Enema? Well, I'm not an enemy of the state. I merely wish to flush out the infections. Whether that is even possible is unknown. One white blood cell can't do it. One dose of antibiotic can't do it. But a sustained push by even a third of the electorate will begin the process. And, actually, after the first flush, there will probably need to be more. Some of the politicians and bureaucrats have been infecting through their power longer than I have been alive. They stick to arteries like plaque. They cling to vital otherwise healthy cells in order to avoid either detection or elimination. And even when they are gone, the damage will have to be assessed. Is it too late or can repairs be made in time? This next election will show whether the infection is beginning to be flushed or if the body has chosen to die rather than try to fight for it's health. The last election was a minor flush. We need a royal flush, and several of them.
And, no, Republicans are only the next to be flushed. Democrats first, then many Republicans. Then the thing can begin to be reassessed. By the way, any who foolishly continue to vote for a Democrat for anything, mayor, city council, or sheriff, best rethink that. They are absolutely non-salvageable. They will harm you, they will herd you, they will use their force of station to subdue you. And they will laugh about it and rant insanely about whatever rights they just crushed under their or their own's heel.
Today is another rough one. Even with the nap last night, I ended up sleeping very long today. While getting to sleep proved simple, waking up was a nightmare. I tried several times before waking to abject failure. I simply could not keep conscious no matter what I tried. And worse, when I finally did rise, there was nothing much I could do. No mowing happened, of course. No phone calls.
I realize I am still in recovery from last week. And worse, this side ache from having to push to breath is getting worse. I simply can't find peace or rest. I can't, literally, ever quite catch my breath. I need to call the doctors but being unable to stay awake long enough into the day and waking so late, that simply hasn't yet been a possibility. It is simply going to play out however it does. In a worst case scenario, I might find myself, again, at the emergency room. I know, at some point, this side ache is going to complicate breathing beyond my ability to overcome it. Like an engine that is heating up from overuse, those muscles and my ability to use them will fail. The question I am left with is... when to go? Should I wait until I need to actually be taken or sometime before? How would I know? The noose is tightening, that is for sure.
Well, on to tinkering or doing something else. Later or good night.
I still haven't firgured out sleep.
.
.
I was able to sleep at 22:00. I woke hard at 1:00 and that was that. Changing my schedule through conscious effort is difficult. Alarm clocks are neat, and they work when all is running smoothly. Then they stop being able to wake me. Adding another alarm clock helps for a bit longer. Then the whole system simply fails. Cutting caffeine out completely does not help, it just makes it harder to stay awake a full day. Avoiding or taking naps means nothing, though sometimes naps can lead to drastic shifts. Staying up longer doesn't help, but can lead to drastic shifts. The problem with drastic shifts, caused by anything (or nothing I can identify) is that they end up shifting things randomly. After decades of trying to simply figure out how to lead a simple daytime life, I realize that the option isn't mine. Which makes sense, with a little review.
When I was first becoming ill in the Navy, I didn't fully understand what was happening. There were problems I noted. Daydreaming to the point where the dreams were seemingly real enough for them to be confusing, or I should say confused with reality. And of course sleep problems, the root of that problem. I had been working out, when that was available, for much of my time in the service. Mostly weight lifting and swimming, I hated jogging and still do... something about my knees. I also partied on weekends. Not a heavy partier. Six to eight beers and then bedtime. Sometimes Friday, sometimes Saturday, and on rare occasions both days.
My sleep started to become a need I could not fulfill. I began cutting out party days. I simply needed the rest. Then went socializing. Then working out had to be curtailed. I NEEDED SLEEP! I then started being late to work, missing half days, then whole days. I simply could not get enough sleep. Then, as I suggested, I began being asleep even while I was technically awake. It all became a blur.
While I have learned to live within my means, and even being able to stay up 16 hours a day often, the price is that I do nothing to upset the applecart. A day or two of driving half a day will wipe me out for two or three days, requiring extra sleep. I can go as much as a few weeks or a month of pretty heavy work, but then I can crash for months, functioning at a very low capacity and then only for a few hours in a given day. Cutting back isn't so much a requirement or even a felt need as it is a symptom. The confusion I know is merely a symptom of the exhaustion. The lack of focus, the inability to make appointments, all of it stems from simple exhaustion.
Frustrating as it is, it is nice to finally have it right there and fully understand it better than I ever have. I have been too tired to ever really put it together. Anti-depressants didn't work, mood levelers didn't help, those were prescribed for my reaction to my problem, not for the problem. If you are out of gas, changing the spark plugs will do you not a bit of good. But I don't have any other real symptoms, other than being perpetually, cripplingly, frustratingly, tired. I have no aches and pains on a regular basis. I have no swollen glands. I am not excreting anything obvious from my glands at a higher rate. I simply never have been able to again live a normal life. Okay, Morpheus, hand me the red pill. Or... did I already take it? Doh!
.
I was able to sleep at 22:00. I woke hard at 1:00 and that was that. Changing my schedule through conscious effort is difficult. Alarm clocks are neat, and they work when all is running smoothly. Then they stop being able to wake me. Adding another alarm clock helps for a bit longer. Then the whole system simply fails. Cutting caffeine out completely does not help, it just makes it harder to stay awake a full day. Avoiding or taking naps means nothing, though sometimes naps can lead to drastic shifts. Staying up longer doesn't help, but can lead to drastic shifts. The problem with drastic shifts, caused by anything (or nothing I can identify) is that they end up shifting things randomly. After decades of trying to simply figure out how to lead a simple daytime life, I realize that the option isn't mine. Which makes sense, with a little review.
When I was first becoming ill in the Navy, I didn't fully understand what was happening. There were problems I noted. Daydreaming to the point where the dreams were seemingly real enough for them to be confusing, or I should say confused with reality. And of course sleep problems, the root of that problem. I had been working out, when that was available, for much of my time in the service. Mostly weight lifting and swimming, I hated jogging and still do... something about my knees. I also partied on weekends. Not a heavy partier. Six to eight beers and then bedtime. Sometimes Friday, sometimes Saturday, and on rare occasions both days.
My sleep started to become a need I could not fulfill. I began cutting out party days. I simply needed the rest. Then went socializing. Then working out had to be curtailed. I NEEDED SLEEP! I then started being late to work, missing half days, then whole days. I simply could not get enough sleep. Then, as I suggested, I began being asleep even while I was technically awake. It all became a blur.
While I have learned to live within my means, and even being able to stay up 16 hours a day often, the price is that I do nothing to upset the applecart. A day or two of driving half a day will wipe me out for two or three days, requiring extra sleep. I can go as much as a few weeks or a month of pretty heavy work, but then I can crash for months, functioning at a very low capacity and then only for a few hours in a given day. Cutting back isn't so much a requirement or even a felt need as it is a symptom. The confusion I know is merely a symptom of the exhaustion. The lack of focus, the inability to make appointments, all of it stems from simple exhaustion.
Frustrating as it is, it is nice to finally have it right there and fully understand it better than I ever have. I have been too tired to ever really put it together. Anti-depressants didn't work, mood levelers didn't help, those were prescribed for my reaction to my problem, not for the problem. If you are out of gas, changing the spark plugs will do you not a bit of good. But I don't have any other real symptoms, other than being perpetually, cripplingly, frustratingly, tired. I have no aches and pains on a regular basis. I have no swollen glands. I am not excreting anything obvious from my glands at a higher rate. I simply never have been able to again live a normal life. Okay, Morpheus, hand me the red pill. Or... did I already take it? Doh!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Nothing.
.
.
I am simply going to crawl into bed, try to sleep, and see what tomorrow brings. It is not that I didn't try, it is merely that there was no way to try. In a swimming pool, even away from the edge, you can use your hands and feet to create leverage by which to move and steer. Whatever is happening is making it as if I am in a pool with neither hands nor feet available, let alone a wall which would be useless in that case anyway, to use. Nothing.
The ache in my side, I realize, is a newer thing. Perhaps it started a week ago or so. I thought it was hunger, or something else. If it was hunger there was little I could do about it. I realize now it is the same pain one gets when about to become winded. Some people like that feeling. I know I did when I played sports, up to a degree. It meant I was doing something. What I don't like is being winded from sitting. Oh well.
Perhaps some sleep, if I can get it, will allow me to recoup enough to get on mowing and phone calls tomorrow. I offer no guarantee, only that mowing is my goal. What is odd, from what I have seen, is mowing will not tire me itself. I will not sense exhaustion from the physical part. I may suffer in future days but not immediately. I am not sure being out of breath as I am, if that will change things though. It hasn't seemed to be an immediate problem if too I haven't worked as hard as mowing an half acre either.
Well, good night. I hope.
.
I am simply going to crawl into bed, try to sleep, and see what tomorrow brings. It is not that I didn't try, it is merely that there was no way to try. In a swimming pool, even away from the edge, you can use your hands and feet to create leverage by which to move and steer. Whatever is happening is making it as if I am in a pool with neither hands nor feet available, let alone a wall which would be useless in that case anyway, to use. Nothing.
The ache in my side, I realize, is a newer thing. Perhaps it started a week ago or so. I thought it was hunger, or something else. If it was hunger there was little I could do about it. I realize now it is the same pain one gets when about to become winded. Some people like that feeling. I know I did when I played sports, up to a degree. It meant I was doing something. What I don't like is being winded from sitting. Oh well.
Perhaps some sleep, if I can get it, will allow me to recoup enough to get on mowing and phone calls tomorrow. I offer no guarantee, only that mowing is my goal. What is odd, from what I have seen, is mowing will not tire me itself. I will not sense exhaustion from the physical part. I may suffer in future days but not immediately. I am not sure being out of breath as I am, if that will change things though. It hasn't seemed to be an immediate problem if too I haven't worked as hard as mowing an half acre either.
Well, good night. I hope.
Winded all the time.
.
.
I finally understand why getting things done is so difficult. I am literally winded all of the time. Remember those sprints in high school football or track practice? Where you clutch your side and groan after the tenth, fifteenth, or twentieth sprint? While not quite that bad, more like how it feels when the pain first appears and begins to grow, it is also constant. Getting out of bed and getting going is exhausting. Even getting into bed, rolling to some modicum of comfort, and getting the blankets right, leaves me a bit tired. Even if I am getting enough oxygen, I am having to constantly fight for it.
I could not sleep until around 6:00 this morning. I woke at 14:00 or so, but getting up and going was an absolute bear. And it has been for some time. When I finally get up, get arranged, and find a perch, as I go about my routines I can settle to a bit of peace and find some rest, but still I have that side ache from breathing. Doing anything, and I do mean anything, sets me back. I am fighting the pain, fighting for air, and become more exhausted every time.
The grass has simply sprung up. I need to cut it soon, today really. I can't. I am hoping, by putting it on the planner for tomorrow, that I will work up whatever it will take to begin mowing. I hope I simply don't keel over while doing it. I will be keeping my phone handy in case I run out of breath and can't catch it again. While I might not be able to talk, dialing 911 and not talking would be good enough. Or, as good as it gets. If things go better, I will need breaks tomorrow. During those breaks I can try to have my call list planned out.
It is already too late today to do much of what I had hoped to do. I can begin researching a few things, prepping for calls for when I can make them. A list of who to call, set forth in some sort of logical order, should see me ready when I can be awake and ready at a time that is reasonable. I can't quit but I do have to understand that my already smaller capacity has been further limited. Over, around, through is the idea. I use the idea as I am able.
It is so odd though. In spite of the side ache and continued and increased exhaustion, everything else has sort of cleared up. Headaches and shoulder and back aches are gone. Sleeping, while difficult to achieve and escape, is pleasant and restful. Concentration is in decent order, if not better it is also not worse (usually). I suddenly have a green light but no way to move forward. Better one problem, or set of them, at a time though. In some ways I guess I can't complain.
Well, on to... something. I did get the trash out last night. I did clean the cat litter. If not grand it is more than I thought might get done. Good day.
.
I finally understand why getting things done is so difficult. I am literally winded all of the time. Remember those sprints in high school football or track practice? Where you clutch your side and groan after the tenth, fifteenth, or twentieth sprint? While not quite that bad, more like how it feels when the pain first appears and begins to grow, it is also constant. Getting out of bed and getting going is exhausting. Even getting into bed, rolling to some modicum of comfort, and getting the blankets right, leaves me a bit tired. Even if I am getting enough oxygen, I am having to constantly fight for it.
I could not sleep until around 6:00 this morning. I woke at 14:00 or so, but getting up and going was an absolute bear. And it has been for some time. When I finally get up, get arranged, and find a perch, as I go about my routines I can settle to a bit of peace and find some rest, but still I have that side ache from breathing. Doing anything, and I do mean anything, sets me back. I am fighting the pain, fighting for air, and become more exhausted every time.
The grass has simply sprung up. I need to cut it soon, today really. I can't. I am hoping, by putting it on the planner for tomorrow, that I will work up whatever it will take to begin mowing. I hope I simply don't keel over while doing it. I will be keeping my phone handy in case I run out of breath and can't catch it again. While I might not be able to talk, dialing 911 and not talking would be good enough. Or, as good as it gets. If things go better, I will need breaks tomorrow. During those breaks I can try to have my call list planned out.
It is already too late today to do much of what I had hoped to do. I can begin researching a few things, prepping for calls for when I can make them. A list of who to call, set forth in some sort of logical order, should see me ready when I can be awake and ready at a time that is reasonable. I can't quit but I do have to understand that my already smaller capacity has been further limited. Over, around, through is the idea. I use the idea as I am able.
It is so odd though. In spite of the side ache and continued and increased exhaustion, everything else has sort of cleared up. Headaches and shoulder and back aches are gone. Sleeping, while difficult to achieve and escape, is pleasant and restful. Concentration is in decent order, if not better it is also not worse (usually). I suddenly have a green light but no way to move forward. Better one problem, or set of them, at a time though. In some ways I guess I can't complain.
Well, on to... something. I did get the trash out last night. I did clean the cat litter. If not grand it is more than I thought might get done. Good day.
Hungry, tired, sore, with a headache, and...
.
.
I am not sure what to do about any of it. I had thought I might use whatever sleep cycle is coming up in order to do another night of sleep study, however I think I will pass. I believe I have enough data recorded in order to give them whatever results are possible. I suppose aspirin or Tylenol might help, but I am so out of it to boot that thinking of using that just now came to me. I really hate the fog.
I have so much I need to get to tomorrow, or at least begin planning. With multiple problems, including what feels like a sore side-ache, like what I remember from sports when I became winded while running up and down the court, I am not sure what I can get done. I have to call the sleep study center and plan for this device to be sent back. I need to call my doctor. I need to figure out some paperwork and contact an insurance company. I am also considering looking for a property lawyer, most likely a little further out.
We will see, I guess. No one can or seems interested in helping, even in areas they could help. I suppose since I look relatively healthy, they believe helping would be a bad thing. And, in a way, they are probably right. That I have been down for two decades is not important. If I can't get up, I shouldn't be helped. For all I know, help has been what has kept me down? Who ever knows?
Dishes and laundry languished. I don't feel bad about that, as I had set this weekend as a rest time. But tomorrow is another issue. I simply have to figure out how to clean the place and get food back on the menu. Just a bite now and then helps. Days without eating probably isn't all that good for me. And, it is the point of the thing. Something about having a clean functionable home leads to more of a functional life, and shows it. Humble is one thing, this is not that. I will try to break through the extra weight of difficult breathing and the typical weight of exhaustion. I don't need to win. I would simply like to finish the race.
Good night.
.
I am not sure what to do about any of it. I had thought I might use whatever sleep cycle is coming up in order to do another night of sleep study, however I think I will pass. I believe I have enough data recorded in order to give them whatever results are possible. I suppose aspirin or Tylenol might help, but I am so out of it to boot that thinking of using that just now came to me. I really hate the fog.
I have so much I need to get to tomorrow, or at least begin planning. With multiple problems, including what feels like a sore side-ache, like what I remember from sports when I became winded while running up and down the court, I am not sure what I can get done. I have to call the sleep study center and plan for this device to be sent back. I need to call my doctor. I need to figure out some paperwork and contact an insurance company. I am also considering looking for a property lawyer, most likely a little further out.
We will see, I guess. No one can or seems interested in helping, even in areas they could help. I suppose since I look relatively healthy, they believe helping would be a bad thing. And, in a way, they are probably right. That I have been down for two decades is not important. If I can't get up, I shouldn't be helped. For all I know, help has been what has kept me down? Who ever knows?
Dishes and laundry languished. I don't feel bad about that, as I had set this weekend as a rest time. But tomorrow is another issue. I simply have to figure out how to clean the place and get food back on the menu. Just a bite now and then helps. Days without eating probably isn't all that good for me. And, it is the point of the thing. Something about having a clean functionable home leads to more of a functional life, and shows it. Humble is one thing, this is not that. I will try to break through the extra weight of difficult breathing and the typical weight of exhaustion. I don't need to win. I would simply like to finish the race.
Good night.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
What to say.
.
.
I spoke with my mom today. I had considered not saying anything, but my breathing was something she noted, and that it has gotten worse. Now that I am pretty sure it is not my heart, I went ahead and spilled the beans about what I know and what remains unknown. My heart is not only good, but probably quite good. Further, even if my liver and kidneys are having problems, they are in good shape as organs and have been looked at a number of different ways. Blood pressure, of course, is the primary culprit for the whole stack of problems, including the edema. And yet the doctors refuse to offer the medicine that allowed me to take the medicine that helps in spite of having been on the whole mess for up to two years and through three V.A. doctors and a private care physician. It really does look suspicious, from my point of view, as to why they refuse what has worked at least to the degree that it works.
I have looked at edema. The various causes are being ruled out one by one. It does tie to my blood pressure, but that remains untreatable. So finding something that helps ease suffering from the edema, at this point, is probably as good as it gets. I did tell my mother that they sent inhalers, but that the two times I have tried it I found no relief. She has been on an inhaler herself, before, and suggested that one or two attempts will not help. That the medicine needs to rise to a certain level before it will help. I doubt this, but have decided to give that a try. I continue to take the diuretic given at the ER. I will call tomorrow and find out why the diuretic was switched without even talking to me, back to a possibly edema causing diuretic, and why I have not received the potassium. I continue to take the potassium those rare times I eat. Eating actually worsens the pain from chest expansion, making eating even less interesting than before.
My mother did offer to come out should I need help. I actually could use help now, as I am unable to balance my life almost at all right now. But unless I am literally dying and have become immobile, I am not sure I want help. Calling in favors is a last resort. I am comforted though, knowing that I would have her here should that eventuality arrive. I suspect I could try to set it up so that she receives some income for caring for me as well. That would make it easier on both of us. And, despite our differences, I know of few people personally who I would trust to manage my home, provide food, and keep things clean. And if things were allowed, she could even just manage other care providers. She is good with such things, exemplary actually.
I have a few other issues I need to deal with. I am about to begin seeking advice on how to go about fighting for some things. We live in a dark, greedy, lying world. Sometimes being took is just the way it is. Sometimes, however, there are ways to, if not punish, at least not lose whole on bad deals. I make a lousy squeaky wheel, as some call it. It is time to consider fighting on a few things. I guess I want what I can get so that my life should it continue be easier or should it be ending that loose ends are tended. It is time to begin kicking in teeth, legally, morally, socially, and however else I may pursue justice.
Later.
.
I spoke with my mom today. I had considered not saying anything, but my breathing was something she noted, and that it has gotten worse. Now that I am pretty sure it is not my heart, I went ahead and spilled the beans about what I know and what remains unknown. My heart is not only good, but probably quite good. Further, even if my liver and kidneys are having problems, they are in good shape as organs and have been looked at a number of different ways. Blood pressure, of course, is the primary culprit for the whole stack of problems, including the edema. And yet the doctors refuse to offer the medicine that allowed me to take the medicine that helps in spite of having been on the whole mess for up to two years and through three V.A. doctors and a private care physician. It really does look suspicious, from my point of view, as to why they refuse what has worked at least to the degree that it works.
I have looked at edema. The various causes are being ruled out one by one. It does tie to my blood pressure, but that remains untreatable. So finding something that helps ease suffering from the edema, at this point, is probably as good as it gets. I did tell my mother that they sent inhalers, but that the two times I have tried it I found no relief. She has been on an inhaler herself, before, and suggested that one or two attempts will not help. That the medicine needs to rise to a certain level before it will help. I doubt this, but have decided to give that a try. I continue to take the diuretic given at the ER. I will call tomorrow and find out why the diuretic was switched without even talking to me, back to a possibly edema causing diuretic, and why I have not received the potassium. I continue to take the potassium those rare times I eat. Eating actually worsens the pain from chest expansion, making eating even less interesting than before.
My mother did offer to come out should I need help. I actually could use help now, as I am unable to balance my life almost at all right now. But unless I am literally dying and have become immobile, I am not sure I want help. Calling in favors is a last resort. I am comforted though, knowing that I would have her here should that eventuality arrive. I suspect I could try to set it up so that she receives some income for caring for me as well. That would make it easier on both of us. And, despite our differences, I know of few people personally who I would trust to manage my home, provide food, and keep things clean. And if things were allowed, she could even just manage other care providers. She is good with such things, exemplary actually.
I have a few other issues I need to deal with. I am about to begin seeking advice on how to go about fighting for some things. We live in a dark, greedy, lying world. Sometimes being took is just the way it is. Sometimes, however, there are ways to, if not punish, at least not lose whole on bad deals. I make a lousy squeaky wheel, as some call it. It is time to consider fighting on a few things. I guess I want what I can get so that my life should it continue be easier or should it be ending that loose ends are tended. It is time to begin kicking in teeth, legally, morally, socially, and however else I may pursue justice.
Later.
A few candidates reviewed.
.
.
Thankfully Huckabee is out of the running. While I have problems with Romney, it is not based on his religion. With Huck, not so much. The softening, weakening, decay of some segments of the 'religious center' has been amazing and terrible. Humanists who try to claim Christianity end up failing on both accounts. His FOX show seemed more a Huck infomercial than anything else I could really call it. Fundamental charismatic emphasis on conservative sounding sound bites wrapped in a crap world view would have been another way to put it. Of course, now I can plainly see that Huck loves Huck, as do potential congregants should he begin preaching again. That is what he seems to have stacked his audience with, potential soft Christian adherents. Don't let the door hit you in the... well, you get it by now.
Gingrich, another seeming favorable at times candidate, has zero chance and for very good reason. I have to admit, he seemed to cut a mean jib until I looked at many of the particulars. He tweets like a conservative bird and lives and actually functions like a liberal academic twit. He is an perfect example of how academia, in it's new and terribly wrongheaded influence of all things American, has corrupted the political and other processes. I am not, specifically, certain why he is trying to run under the Republican banner. He is more like a soft middle of the road old school Democrat. I don't think there has ever been a time when "global warming" advocacy or it's ilk, universal amnesty (with or without secure borders), or many other of his notions have ever had a place in the conservative or even Republican party. My guess is he runs merely to pull the whole process to the left. He has no chance and no good input to my reasoning eyes.
Paul. Anyone who thinks heroin could and should be a viable choice is downright dangerous. Americans simply are not ready to be offered what we know they cannot handle. There is a reason it, and other such drugs, were outlawed. It is NOT LIKE ALCOHOL. I went through a childhood with alcohol and drugs around. I could clearly see the difference. That the supposed war on drugs has been ratcheted up has as much to do with the corrupting influence of drug money on the economy and politicians as anything. While some would say that was inevitable, I suggest that this shows more of a sign that the war was subverted quickly and wrongly and needlessly. If the war on drugs is fought to win, it would be won. As for the suspension of freedoms, that has happened in several wars and will happen again. Further, his foreign policy portfolio is insane. He suggested using a nullified presidential power to deal with Bin Laden. He is either out of the loop or simply lying. Would he, as president, truly not have reacted to the attack on 9/11, save to issue a bogus edict of some sort? I doubt it. He does, unlike the others, have some rather sound ideas regarding some serious issues, including government size, spending, and such. But without a reasonable foreign policy and with the dangers imposed by legalizing narcotics, he is no where near worth the risk.
I will go over a few others as I read on them. To be honest, I will probably be burning them all. I went independent (not Independent) in the last presidential campaign. I had a party but it left me, pun intended. If they pull a McCain out of their hats, I again will not vote on that particular office. I will not vote for whatever goes for a Republican, even if slightly to the right of McCain. I will not allow the RNC to try and box me in to vote for a pseudo-conservative. I don't demand caviar, I do demand that if I am being offered fish eyes that they not try and sell it as caviar. If the Republican party is through with conservativism, they should just state that. Perhaps they can change their name to the Neo-Democratic party? We will see.
It was terribly difficult to get to sleep last night. It was awful trying to wake up. My lungs are filling a bit more, if not at their worst by far. The gurgling was back, my chest is a bit sore from the effort of breathing, but I do not feel too exhausted this "morning". I sorely wish the inhalers offered some relief. As is, I simply suffer through the more difficult times and hope nothing really bad happens. I have an idea what treading water beyond how long seemed possible is like. Gulping water occasionally when the muscles keeping one afloat misbehave. I would sorely love to hop on a "boat", purge the fluid, and go somewhere for a long well deserved nap.
I might try to get some laundry done today. Maybe do a load or two of dishes too. I am not going to push. I will not force it. But if I see those windows open, I will go through them. I am feeling a bit better on the exhaustion side. If that is all that was wrong, I would be king this week. More phone calls tomorrow to try and find out what is going on. Like I said, they changed my diuretic back to my old one. My old one, by the way, by itself, can cause my breathing problems! Arghhhhhhhh!
Later.
.
Thankfully Huckabee is out of the running. While I have problems with Romney, it is not based on his religion. With Huck, not so much. The softening, weakening, decay of some segments of the 'religious center' has been amazing and terrible. Humanists who try to claim Christianity end up failing on both accounts. His FOX show seemed more a Huck infomercial than anything else I could really call it. Fundamental charismatic emphasis on conservative sounding sound bites wrapped in a crap world view would have been another way to put it. Of course, now I can plainly see that Huck loves Huck, as do potential congregants should he begin preaching again. That is what he seems to have stacked his audience with, potential soft Christian adherents. Don't let the door hit you in the... well, you get it by now.
Gingrich, another seeming favorable at times candidate, has zero chance and for very good reason. I have to admit, he seemed to cut a mean jib until I looked at many of the particulars. He tweets like a conservative bird and lives and actually functions like a liberal academic twit. He is an perfect example of how academia, in it's new and terribly wrongheaded influence of all things American, has corrupted the political and other processes. I am not, specifically, certain why he is trying to run under the Republican banner. He is more like a soft middle of the road old school Democrat. I don't think there has ever been a time when "global warming" advocacy or it's ilk, universal amnesty (with or without secure borders), or many other of his notions have ever had a place in the conservative or even Republican party. My guess is he runs merely to pull the whole process to the left. He has no chance and no good input to my reasoning eyes.
Paul. Anyone who thinks heroin could and should be a viable choice is downright dangerous. Americans simply are not ready to be offered what we know they cannot handle. There is a reason it, and other such drugs, were outlawed. It is NOT LIKE ALCOHOL. I went through a childhood with alcohol and drugs around. I could clearly see the difference. That the supposed war on drugs has been ratcheted up has as much to do with the corrupting influence of drug money on the economy and politicians as anything. While some would say that was inevitable, I suggest that this shows more of a sign that the war was subverted quickly and wrongly and needlessly. If the war on drugs is fought to win, it would be won. As for the suspension of freedoms, that has happened in several wars and will happen again. Further, his foreign policy portfolio is insane. He suggested using a nullified presidential power to deal with Bin Laden. He is either out of the loop or simply lying. Would he, as president, truly not have reacted to the attack on 9/11, save to issue a bogus edict of some sort? I doubt it. He does, unlike the others, have some rather sound ideas regarding some serious issues, including government size, spending, and such. But without a reasonable foreign policy and with the dangers imposed by legalizing narcotics, he is no where near worth the risk.
I will go over a few others as I read on them. To be honest, I will probably be burning them all. I went independent (not Independent) in the last presidential campaign. I had a party but it left me, pun intended. If they pull a McCain out of their hats, I again will not vote on that particular office. I will not vote for whatever goes for a Republican, even if slightly to the right of McCain. I will not allow the RNC to try and box me in to vote for a pseudo-conservative. I don't demand caviar, I do demand that if I am being offered fish eyes that they not try and sell it as caviar. If the Republican party is through with conservativism, they should just state that. Perhaps they can change their name to the Neo-Democratic party? We will see.
It was terribly difficult to get to sleep last night. It was awful trying to wake up. My lungs are filling a bit more, if not at their worst by far. The gurgling was back, my chest is a bit sore from the effort of breathing, but I do not feel too exhausted this "morning". I sorely wish the inhalers offered some relief. As is, I simply suffer through the more difficult times and hope nothing really bad happens. I have an idea what treading water beyond how long seemed possible is like. Gulping water occasionally when the muscles keeping one afloat misbehave. I would sorely love to hop on a "boat", purge the fluid, and go somewhere for a long well deserved nap.
I might try to get some laundry done today. Maybe do a load or two of dishes too. I am not going to push. I will not force it. But if I see those windows open, I will go through them. I am feeling a bit better on the exhaustion side. If that is all that was wrong, I would be king this week. More phone calls tomorrow to try and find out what is going on. Like I said, they changed my diuretic back to my old one. My old one, by the way, by itself, can cause my breathing problems! Arghhhhhhhh!
Later.
This reminds me of something.
.
.
Today was like fishing. Fishing in a pond with no fish. Assuming one knows there are no fish in the pond, this was just as successful. Another day of this and I should be ready to do what ever it is I have to do next. While getting a bit chill, I have also had the windows open for the last few days. No rain to worry about and the chill is no worse than when I would run the thermostat a bit chiller in the winter. Fresh air has been great.
My breathlessness does come and go. Or more, is better and worse. It is better than the worst points but any real activity and I know it is not gone. At least getting off the couch or out of my chair no longer causes wheezing. Anything much more than that will. And, even now, sometimes it is worse and sometimes it is better. Every once in a while I simply have to breath harder in order to not be out of breath.
I keep think about the exhaustion I feel. I have called it a possible spiritual thing. I was not being literal. If you know anything about math, for example, you might be familiar with the x, y, and z planes. There is another plane, for unreal numbers. Despite being called unreal, they are quite real. An example of them is the fact that you have the type of electricity you receive into your home. My exhaustion sort of runs a circuit like that. It is not completely physically, or psychologically based. But I understand little more than that it is different. I do believe, now, that it is just as real as physical exhaustion or psychological trauma, but that it is neither, or not wholly those things. It is not laziness either. But I simply cannot understand more than that.
Life really is pretty easy. Getting up is difficult for many people, but at some point this clears up and people get going. For me, for the last twenty years, that never clears up. Sleeping more does not help. Sleeping less does not help. It is not a matter of mood and is not depression. If I were a machine, I would be looking for some wires that occasionally ground, and not just one. I would say the whole wiring harness needs to be changed out. Either the design was bad or there are a lot of little problems that lead to a systemic failure. Medicine, today, is doing good when it is able to medicate or surgically remove the symptom(s) and hope the problem disappears. Doctors are merely making a good living. My problem is not their problem, and even if it were they have no solutions. I suppose I shouldn't be so angry with them. But then they are rather accusatory when my problem isn't easily treated. My anger is as reactive as anything.
Another day of fishing without fishing and I am hoping to be back into the fray. I have phone calls to make, business to attend, forms to fill out, medical care to manage, chores to do, and a few hobbies to pursue. But not for another day.
Good night.
.
Today was like fishing. Fishing in a pond with no fish. Assuming one knows there are no fish in the pond, this was just as successful. Another day of this and I should be ready to do what ever it is I have to do next. While getting a bit chill, I have also had the windows open for the last few days. No rain to worry about and the chill is no worse than when I would run the thermostat a bit chiller in the winter. Fresh air has been great.
My breathlessness does come and go. Or more, is better and worse. It is better than the worst points but any real activity and I know it is not gone. At least getting off the couch or out of my chair no longer causes wheezing. Anything much more than that will. And, even now, sometimes it is worse and sometimes it is better. Every once in a while I simply have to breath harder in order to not be out of breath.
I keep think about the exhaustion I feel. I have called it a possible spiritual thing. I was not being literal. If you know anything about math, for example, you might be familiar with the x, y, and z planes. There is another plane, for unreal numbers. Despite being called unreal, they are quite real. An example of them is the fact that you have the type of electricity you receive into your home. My exhaustion sort of runs a circuit like that. It is not completely physically, or psychologically based. But I understand little more than that it is different. I do believe, now, that it is just as real as physical exhaustion or psychological trauma, but that it is neither, or not wholly those things. It is not laziness either. But I simply cannot understand more than that.
Life really is pretty easy. Getting up is difficult for many people, but at some point this clears up and people get going. For me, for the last twenty years, that never clears up. Sleeping more does not help. Sleeping less does not help. It is not a matter of mood and is not depression. If I were a machine, I would be looking for some wires that occasionally ground, and not just one. I would say the whole wiring harness needs to be changed out. Either the design was bad or there are a lot of little problems that lead to a systemic failure. Medicine, today, is doing good when it is able to medicate or surgically remove the symptom(s) and hope the problem disappears. Doctors are merely making a good living. My problem is not their problem, and even if it were they have no solutions. I suppose I shouldn't be so angry with them. But then they are rather accusatory when my problem isn't easily treated. My anger is as reactive as anything.
Another day of fishing without fishing and I am hoping to be back into the fray. I have phone calls to make, business to attend, forms to fill out, medical care to manage, chores to do, and a few hobbies to pursue. But not for another day.
Good night.
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