.
.
Since I thought I was, pretty much, unread, I left things pretty open hereabouts. No one commented save a few, really just one now, and even he hasn't been saying much lately. Heck, no one I knew admitted to reading here, if recently people I knew asked if they could call me Doom (supposedly based on my email name if I knew better). I have had suspicions, but I just let them linger, not really investigating the truth. Just as you might suspect someone knows more about you then they let on but in your busy day you do not have the time to investigate, beside which you don't really... how to put this... care. However, I think that time is over. This blog was only ever a place for my thoughts. They are unedited, mostly. They aren't really even for my perusal. They are just a box to store things that pop up in my head, worry me, make me angry, points to think about, even quite often playing the devil's advocate, or make some poetic, real, or imagined idea of what and who I am, what the world could, should, should not, might, in my belief, will be, or even a purposeful mischaracterization of reality to try to get to the bone through the meat, show my disgust, or see what the pig looks like without lipstick.
Children cannot be expected to understand, that often includes actual children, liberals, and many or most women. Many women, for example, love poetry because they can believe that it is about them, for them, to them. Liberals fail to comprehend their own assholes, so often look to fill the void. Denying God and His truth leaves a HUGE void. Children just aren't capable of understanding, beside being strangled by their mother's apron strings and neurosis. Sure, there are some women I would allow to continue reading here. I can think of three, even if I don't think they always get it (if I can't even say I always "get it" though either as there often isn't a point, and it doesn't always make sense nor is it supposed to make sense... rambling thoughts, dreams, etc.), I do believe they are mature enough to let it be or even... comment (such brave lasses) if they like and even once in a rare occasion if they don't like the notions presented here. And, I was teasing. Commenting here, good or bad, would never get you in trouble by me. If I might ask you to ponder the thing on your own tree of woe. I live on the tree of woe so I don't mind handing out that homework.
I will be looking over how to limit access, and how to make it stick, in this next week or two. And can't say I will definitively limit access, but at this point it seems the wiser choice. There may be no point to it, the worst of the liberal types seem to be exceptional hackers. If people who disagree with things would comment, that would be different. But when they disagree and simply sulk in the shadows, are people with whom I have association in the real world, and they snipe or jeer in real life, I won't allow that. Either stand up and be counted or sit down and shut up, you can't have it both ways... you begin looking like an enemy, a threat. Oh, you say, but that doesn't mean anything. Oh? Look at what lefties do when someone doesn't do what they like. I have to wonder what these little people have done to stab, or try to stab, me in the back.
I'll simply be considering this idea, looking at options, and such, over the next week or two. All other discussions, thoughts, and activities will no longer be written here, for now. Sound the alarm, to general quarters and stations! Man the guns and damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Well?
.
.
Okay, I did get my shower, had time to air dry, put out my clothes, checked when Mass was to be held, set the alarm, and... I didn't hear the alarm. But I had set it to go off early enough that I noticed the problem in time to alter my behavior. So, I dressed, fed the cats, got tobacco out of my mouth and stopped eating and drinking for the full hour before Mass was to begin. I headed out early, but I always forget about how thick traffic is around noon. Still, I made it in plenty of time.
Home. I always feel that way in Church. I simply do. Not a living quarters type of home, more. Plenty early I took my time going in, in the breezeway. I thought about the first and Second temples. Considered that the Second temple became the template for this new temple I was standing in. Just thoughts, I don't know if there is meaning to them, but to me it is a way of finding my way back, from out here. I am always frightened like a rabbit when returning after not having been to Mass in a long while. My throat constricts, I can sometimes barely breath, talk, say the prayers, sing. Like a dog at the end of his leash. Why? Many reasons. I am not sinless, but... more. People too, but they aren't the largest or even a huge part of it unless the pews are packed. Today was no different.
I approached the font and crossed, I went to my pew and kneeled, I entered my pew and went to my knees. I like to pray longer, but when in the scared rabbit phase it is difficult to still my mind. I offered my prayers. I have learned to ask for Mary's intercession. Christ is her very beloved son, Jesus, after all. She was filled with grace, a thing I do not believe fades. I remembered at least the important things, a few notions about blessings I have, and closed by crossing.
I have done... something... No, not a sin, this time. At the last KoC meeting, our District Grand Knight was present. As I mentioned, we were both there early. But the thing that caught my attention, was later, when he was addressing us as a group and in an official capacity. He asked if we had officer jewels. No, not real jewels, but badges, or ribbons, worn around the neck, for the stations. We did not. He didn't comment but I... noted the look. Yes, I am prone to note such things. I had told the group that I would purchase a flag, long ago but the notion remained. When I got home that night I went to look for the flag. Finding it I put it in my 'shopping cart'. But I noticed the word "jewel" in there... somewhere. I had to hunt and peck to find it again, and it wasn't the first word in a list of words but a middle word and in smaller print.
Finding it I began to explore. I don't have a lapel pin for my new rank as a KoC 4th degree yet, either, so I had been looking for it too. In any case, I found the jewels. They aren't hugely expensive, and I did feel... a bit of shame from that look. Thin skinned much? In any case, I put most of them in the 'shopping cart', what I could afford if the group decides not to reimburse me. I am hoping they will reimburse me for some of them, but some of them are to simply be a gift... a starter, a beginning of possibly more official standing.
In any case, one of the jewels is for the group's Chaplain, which is usually the local father. As I approached father, as I was leaving, I tried to ask him if he was indeed the groups Chaplain, if so whether he had the jewels for the office. He... reacted in a way that was troubling. My voice was shot from the tension I was under and the little I had said and sung, and no fluid for two hours as well, so I wondered if that was it. Or if there was... something else? I just suggested I would speak to him at another time.
When I returned to my vehicle, a little shaken, got in, started it, I headed for a bite to eat before doing my other listed events. After lunch I returned to my vehicle and hopped in, lit it up, and... it smelled like cat feces. Oh NO! Do I smell like that? Is that what the problem is? I simply don't know. All I know is I canceled today's proposed events and I mean to clean this home from top to bottom. I don't know how I will get it done. Now, coming back home, with the windows down, it still smelled a bit like that, so maybe... I'm just overreacting to a very busy priest who really did have other things to do RIGHT AWAY. Seriously. Or... I dunno. I don't have a volunteer sniffer. Maybe that is my problem at the groups? I simply cannot tell. I don't get that reaction everywhere and always, as it would seem I should. I just don't know. No, my car is shut up in the garage, the girls can't get in to stink it or the surround up. Could I have stepped in something (as poop smells like poop whether cat, dog, or several other critters to my nose). Being on the bottom of my shoe it doesn't always reach my nose in a... timely manner. I just don't know. But it bugs me. I just can't be running around if I do smell like that.
So, for the next week, I do nothing but clean, clean, clean, air out the place, clean some more, until I... feel safe to go out. Well, I best get to it... Save... I have run all out of steam. I could have coasted through the rest of today, but I can't stack more on it. I sure hope I can get this sorted out though, and very soon. Tomorrow? I can't go out in public until I... have done what I can do. No KoC meeting this week, no more Masses. All clothes will have to be washed, all bedding, the cat litter pans will have to be cleaned and again and maybe again. The floors will have to be vacuumed, swept, and mopped, trash will have to go forward and probably bagged and tagged at least every other day... Gah! Hmm, is that what supercharges women? I bet it is.
Oh, my dentist had told me that my toothpicks, those plastic ones, were no substitute for flossing. Now, I sort of believed him (if I argued, always do don't I?). It has been... a while... since I brushed or flossed, but those 'picks are always in my mouth, exploring, picking, pulling, removing... after every meal (I HATE stuff in my teeth!), even while I chew... Anyway, in prep for Church today, I decided to floss after the shower. That floss didn't get a thing out. No-thing came out. No gunk, no junk, to slime, no nothing. I brushed, which DID pull stuff off discoloration. By the way, you do realize that originally dentists only recommended flossing. Brushing was merely an additive to home care because people hated the taste (and smell?) of just flossing. I brushed when I showered, then again right before the hour before going to Mass. Actually, that... might have caused the smell too... Just... if I haven't done that in a while it somehow opens up all the old stuff to fresh air, and it's not a happy thing.
No, doesn't matter. Clean, clean, clean, clean, air, clean, wash, clean, air... Argh!
Sorry about the book... Upset.
.
Okay, I did get my shower, had time to air dry, put out my clothes, checked when Mass was to be held, set the alarm, and... I didn't hear the alarm. But I had set it to go off early enough that I noticed the problem in time to alter my behavior. So, I dressed, fed the cats, got tobacco out of my mouth and stopped eating and drinking for the full hour before Mass was to begin. I headed out early, but I always forget about how thick traffic is around noon. Still, I made it in plenty of time.
Home. I always feel that way in Church. I simply do. Not a living quarters type of home, more. Plenty early I took my time going in, in the breezeway. I thought about the first and Second temples. Considered that the Second temple became the template for this new temple I was standing in. Just thoughts, I don't know if there is meaning to them, but to me it is a way of finding my way back, from out here. I am always frightened like a rabbit when returning after not having been to Mass in a long while. My throat constricts, I can sometimes barely breath, talk, say the prayers, sing. Like a dog at the end of his leash. Why? Many reasons. I am not sinless, but... more. People too, but they aren't the largest or even a huge part of it unless the pews are packed. Today was no different.
I approached the font and crossed, I went to my pew and kneeled, I entered my pew and went to my knees. I like to pray longer, but when in the scared rabbit phase it is difficult to still my mind. I offered my prayers. I have learned to ask for Mary's intercession. Christ is her very beloved son, Jesus, after all. She was filled with grace, a thing I do not believe fades. I remembered at least the important things, a few notions about blessings I have, and closed by crossing.
I have done... something... No, not a sin, this time. At the last KoC meeting, our District Grand Knight was present. As I mentioned, we were both there early. But the thing that caught my attention, was later, when he was addressing us as a group and in an official capacity. He asked if we had officer jewels. No, not real jewels, but badges, or ribbons, worn around the neck, for the stations. We did not. He didn't comment but I... noted the look. Yes, I am prone to note such things. I had told the group that I would purchase a flag, long ago but the notion remained. When I got home that night I went to look for the flag. Finding it I put it in my 'shopping cart'. But I noticed the word "jewel" in there... somewhere. I had to hunt and peck to find it again, and it wasn't the first word in a list of words but a middle word and in smaller print.
Finding it I began to explore. I don't have a lapel pin for my new rank as a KoC 4th degree yet, either, so I had been looking for it too. In any case, I found the jewels. They aren't hugely expensive, and I did feel... a bit of shame from that look. Thin skinned much? In any case, I put most of them in the 'shopping cart', what I could afford if the group decides not to reimburse me. I am hoping they will reimburse me for some of them, but some of them are to simply be a gift... a starter, a beginning of possibly more official standing.
In any case, one of the jewels is for the group's Chaplain, which is usually the local father. As I approached father, as I was leaving, I tried to ask him if he was indeed the groups Chaplain, if so whether he had the jewels for the office. He... reacted in a way that was troubling. My voice was shot from the tension I was under and the little I had said and sung, and no fluid for two hours as well, so I wondered if that was it. Or if there was... something else? I just suggested I would speak to him at another time.
When I returned to my vehicle, a little shaken, got in, started it, I headed for a bite to eat before doing my other listed events. After lunch I returned to my vehicle and hopped in, lit it up, and... it smelled like cat feces. Oh NO! Do I smell like that? Is that what the problem is? I simply don't know. All I know is I canceled today's proposed events and I mean to clean this home from top to bottom. I don't know how I will get it done. Now, coming back home, with the windows down, it still smelled a bit like that, so maybe... I'm just overreacting to a very busy priest who really did have other things to do RIGHT AWAY. Seriously. Or... I dunno. I don't have a volunteer sniffer. Maybe that is my problem at the groups? I simply cannot tell. I don't get that reaction everywhere and always, as it would seem I should. I just don't know. No, my car is shut up in the garage, the girls can't get in to stink it or the surround up. Could I have stepped in something (as poop smells like poop whether cat, dog, or several other critters to my nose). Being on the bottom of my shoe it doesn't always reach my nose in a... timely manner. I just don't know. But it bugs me. I just can't be running around if I do smell like that.
So, for the next week, I do nothing but clean, clean, clean, air out the place, clean some more, until I... feel safe to go out. Well, I best get to it... Save... I have run all out of steam. I could have coasted through the rest of today, but I can't stack more on it. I sure hope I can get this sorted out though, and very soon. Tomorrow? I can't go out in public until I... have done what I can do. No KoC meeting this week, no more Masses. All clothes will have to be washed, all bedding, the cat litter pans will have to be cleaned and again and maybe again. The floors will have to be vacuumed, swept, and mopped, trash will have to go forward and probably bagged and tagged at least every other day... Gah! Hmm, is that what supercharges women? I bet it is.
Oh, my dentist had told me that my toothpicks, those plastic ones, were no substitute for flossing. Now, I sort of believed him (if I argued, always do don't I?). It has been... a while... since I brushed or flossed, but those 'picks are always in my mouth, exploring, picking, pulling, removing... after every meal (I HATE stuff in my teeth!), even while I chew... Anyway, in prep for Church today, I decided to floss after the shower. That floss didn't get a thing out. No-thing came out. No gunk, no junk, to slime, no nothing. I brushed, which DID pull stuff off discoloration. By the way, you do realize that originally dentists only recommended flossing. Brushing was merely an additive to home care because people hated the taste (and smell?) of just flossing. I brushed when I showered, then again right before the hour before going to Mass. Actually, that... might have caused the smell too... Just... if I haven't done that in a while it somehow opens up all the old stuff to fresh air, and it's not a happy thing.
No, doesn't matter. Clean, clean, clean, clean, air, clean, wash, clean, air... Argh!
Sorry about the book... Upset.
WOW! Just wow!
.
.
Oh, nothing too fancy. It is just that for the first time in... weeks? months? I am awake. I am actually fully awake. I think my body has been hacked too, unlocked, maybe even over-clocked. It seems to be... at my command again. This morning is chill. I wondered if that might be it, but no. Like when it was hot and I was really down, it wasn't in the end the heat at all. And more it has been chilly for... a while now, in the early morning. I just couldn't tell, didn't know, couldn't feel. The Lord knows I love days like this. Carpe Sulum Diem
And, I have things to do. I need to get to town, maybe get to Mass if my mind and body can coordinate. I then need to do something about my vehicle tags. And finally I need to get my friend out. I don't know if he has something scheduled today and I don't know how long this will last. I can only try with what I have, right? Son, this is wonderful. This isn't how every day needs to be, but it is how I believe most people live. If they don't start out this way they have to achieve at least this level or they would not be able to work. This is absolute minimum for most of you, and it won't last long, but I have it right now.
.
Oh, nothing too fancy. It is just that for the first time in... weeks? months? I am awake. I am actually fully awake. I think my body has been hacked too, unlocked, maybe even over-clocked. It seems to be... at my command again. This morning is chill. I wondered if that might be it, but no. Like when it was hot and I was really down, it wasn't in the end the heat at all. And more it has been chilly for... a while now, in the early morning. I just couldn't tell, didn't know, couldn't feel. The Lord knows I love days like this. Carpe Sulum Diem
And, I have things to do. I need to get to town, maybe get to Mass if my mind and body can coordinate. I then need to do something about my vehicle tags. And finally I need to get my friend out. I don't know if he has something scheduled today and I don't know how long this will last. I can only try with what I have, right? Son, this is wonderful. This isn't how every day needs to be, but it is how I believe most people live. If they don't start out this way they have to achieve at least this level or they would not be able to work. This is absolute minimum for most of you, and it won't last long, but I have it right now.
A new computer?
.
.
Maybe, maybe, I keep looking. Yeah, my problem, as I said, is that every time I went component hunting I ended up with more in the bag than my wallet would allow. And with sellers it seems they have a price they want to sell computers, they have components they want to push, and it is even more difficult to get past their "sales", options, or even sometimes not get liquid cooling. Bleh. Heck, really, I shouldn't. And, most likely, I won't. Honestly, I really can't. As... if that has stopped me before. In my small silly little way I have lived a much larger-than-life existence. Oh, it is only larger when viewed through the optics of a pair of fools epic glasses(tm), though given the constraints it was at least a interesting life. Not that... that should be the goal? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be the goal, you lose more than you gain. Then again and too, I don't think it was ever the goal. I just couldn't stand still. I had to see what was over there, who she was, what the fuss was about. A victim of my own... curiosity?
Never mind. I just woke up and my mind is walking around doing in thought what I used to do in flesh. The thing is I found a site that offered a computer build in the price range I think I could handle in the nearer future, or sooner if pressed. So I went shopping. NewEgg is my preferred store if I have heard another is good too. So many... problems though, with a self-build. Simply the build itself can be somewhere between annoying and hair-pulling sessions (which actually I like until/unless it gets expensive). Buying all at once means warranties are easier to store together, along with a copy of the receipt. Buying at one place limits some problems with dealing with multiple venders. But some components are poison. Once they are out of the store's stock they just hand out the manufacturer's phone number and wish you luck. The thing about buying all at once also means that putting the monster together in short order, thus being able to test everything live and on fire, means the chances of the 30 day store warranty on what it does warrant is worth the e-paper it is written on.
So, $1500 was the target price. Alright. No double SSD start-up drives (for as much reliability as possible for the unreliable but zipper quick drives). Check. Actually, not even a double hard drive system, or even one 10k spin drive. Check. A middling cpu and video board, if that leaves room for a top end motherboard to upgrade when prices drop for the currently top end components being foregone. Check but good enough, easily, for my apps. I didn't compromise on the case if I didn't get my hearts desire either by half. I added 16GB memory in 8x2 (if only ddr3 1600), with latency at 9 (good enough for gaming). I cut and changed and added, and got the price to $1499... Oh! But shipping! That can be murder. I put that in, fearing a hundred or two, or more?!? Nope, 3-day pushed that to $1515.32. Gah! But am I a man of my convictions? Well, right now, I'm running like a little girl from her first kiss. Love hurts... At least I know it is possible, with a lot of compromise (if still 10 times the machine I have, and fully functional... well that last would be in my fumble bunny hands). Hmm, no OS though. Honestly thinking about going PC-BSD though... Gah... hardware... I aimed for PC-BSD but I would have to comb over tons of real (not just general) information on comparability. I'm also thinking about having a duel or triple OS system, getting in on Linux has always been... a consideration. And while I don't care for Windows, it offers... comparability the others simply don't, if the security difference is massive. I would want to... cage any form of Windows I got, perhaps mostly not even allowing it internet access except in very controlled ways for very specific purposes. The mind does wander in the toy store though doesn't it?
Cats have been fed, I am rested, it's cool enough for at least warm coffee which I am quaffing atm. Sam has been "let" out. She started gagging and I started my ogre routine. She knows that means it's time to go. She is usually waiting at the door even if I run past her, somehow. I do pet her, at the door, to let her know I do love her, I just don't want to clean more barf off my carpet. Even if she is snarfing somewhere I didn't see her, and behind me as I head to the back door, she ends up being there at the door ahead of me and waiting, whisping to the back door ahead of me like smoke. She is good at... not being seen, heard, or felt. And I am more than average at detection. Love that girl for her ways! Well, obviously, only... some of them.
Good morning, by the way.
.
Maybe, maybe, I keep looking. Yeah, my problem, as I said, is that every time I went component hunting I ended up with more in the bag than my wallet would allow. And with sellers it seems they have a price they want to sell computers, they have components they want to push, and it is even more difficult to get past their "sales", options, or even sometimes not get liquid cooling. Bleh. Heck, really, I shouldn't. And, most likely, I won't. Honestly, I really can't. As... if that has stopped me before. In my small silly little way I have lived a much larger-than-life existence. Oh, it is only larger when viewed through the optics of a pair of fools epic glasses(tm), though given the constraints it was at least a interesting life. Not that... that should be the goal? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that shouldn't be the goal, you lose more than you gain. Then again and too, I don't think it was ever the goal. I just couldn't stand still. I had to see what was over there, who she was, what the fuss was about. A victim of my own... curiosity?
Never mind. I just woke up and my mind is walking around doing in thought what I used to do in flesh. The thing is I found a site that offered a computer build in the price range I think I could handle in the nearer future, or sooner if pressed. So I went shopping. NewEgg is my preferred store if I have heard another is good too. So many... problems though, with a self-build. Simply the build itself can be somewhere between annoying and hair-pulling sessions (which actually I like until/unless it gets expensive). Buying all at once means warranties are easier to store together, along with a copy of the receipt. Buying at one place limits some problems with dealing with multiple venders. But some components are poison. Once they are out of the store's stock they just hand out the manufacturer's phone number and wish you luck. The thing about buying all at once also means that putting the monster together in short order, thus being able to test everything live and on fire, means the chances of the 30 day store warranty on what it does warrant is worth the e-paper it is written on.
So, $1500 was the target price. Alright. No double SSD start-up drives (for as much reliability as possible for the unreliable but zipper quick drives). Check. Actually, not even a double hard drive system, or even one 10k spin drive. Check. A middling cpu and video board, if that leaves room for a top end motherboard to upgrade when prices drop for the currently top end components being foregone. Check but good enough, easily, for my apps. I didn't compromise on the case if I didn't get my hearts desire either by half. I added 16GB memory in 8x2 (if only ddr3 1600), with latency at 9 (good enough for gaming). I cut and changed and added, and got the price to $1499... Oh! But shipping! That can be murder. I put that in, fearing a hundred or two, or more?!? Nope, 3-day pushed that to $1515.32. Gah! But am I a man of my convictions? Well, right now, I'm running like a little girl from her first kiss. Love hurts... At least I know it is possible, with a lot of compromise (if still 10 times the machine I have, and fully functional... well that last would be in my fumble bunny hands). Hmm, no OS though. Honestly thinking about going PC-BSD though... Gah... hardware... I aimed for PC-BSD but I would have to comb over tons of real (not just general) information on comparability. I'm also thinking about having a duel or triple OS system, getting in on Linux has always been... a consideration. And while I don't care for Windows, it offers... comparability the others simply don't, if the security difference is massive. I would want to... cage any form of Windows I got, perhaps mostly not even allowing it internet access except in very controlled ways for very specific purposes. The mind does wander in the toy store though doesn't it?
Cats have been fed, I am rested, it's cool enough for at least warm coffee which I am quaffing atm. Sam has been "let" out. She started gagging and I started my ogre routine. She knows that means it's time to go. She is usually waiting at the door even if I run past her, somehow. I do pet her, at the door, to let her know I do love her, I just don't want to clean more barf off my carpet. Even if she is snarfing somewhere I didn't see her, and behind me as I head to the back door, she ends up being there at the door ahead of me and waiting, whisping to the back door ahead of me like smoke. She is good at... not being seen, heard, or felt. And I am more than average at detection. Love that girl for her ways! Well, obviously, only... some of them.
Good morning, by the way.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Not asleep, not awake.
.
.
I somehow get the feeling that I know what a zombie would feel like. I simply can't sleep. But I am definitely not firing on all eight cylinders. I've got five going on idle, if I pushed it I could get a sixth, and if I hammer it to redline I might get all eight right before the engine caught on fire. Have you ever been out in the desert for a while, on foot, and been out of water, with a dusty breeze and the sun in your eyes, for some number of hours. My eyes feel like that. On the good side I have plenty of water, I don't have to walk anywhere, and my skin isn't crispy. But I can see the Ireland on the horizon if I look closely enough. Yeah, I think I take the thousand yard stare just right to the edge. Gosh, I hope that is Ireland and not some distant planet?
While I can't control my thoughts at this time, sort of like what most people go through while dreaming, my mind really is free to explore ideas. I should be careful about commenting at this point too. Most people really live in very small tight prisons of their own design. Anything that might expose that they are in a prison, or more that there is a way out, is treated as if I was about to pour hot molten metal on them. So many are so stuck and so afraid. I tell you, as one who knows, do not fear on this planet. Not even death should be feared, only... grudgingly... respected... but only of flesh. You will see, in time, that it is nothing. You will see death as a silly ritual for graduating. Uhrm, unless you are bound to the world, which will die, along with you if you cling to it. And they call me gloomy! Cheers.
It has been somewhat depressing to have been so battered because of obvious to me truths and doubts. Oh, it isn't just online. I have seen men I thought I was in league with, who must read here once in a while... in limbo between respect, even honor, and a form of loathing toward me. Of course, no one says what is on their minds. Which is worse. I am not even sure which thing I said, wrote, or did caused such a reaction. If it is simply something that is true, of God or from His words or Christ's actions, I have no room for debate. If it is one of the arrows that I as a blind man cast at the world I might certainly clarify, or even negotiate. But I don't know so I can't do a thing. Then again, it is the political season, and an important one, maybe the final one. People are more on edge in every way, and... for good reason. We don't vote on a president, policies, the future... we will be voting on freedom and... some of us are not even sure of that. Okay, the moniker "gloomy" stays.
It has been partly cloudy. It seems so much darker than that though, somehow. Moods are certainly a part to the sense of things, but like the snake that consumes itself, it is difficult to know what is mood, what is sense, and which is the precursor and which the follower. I know my heart is struggling, beyond all this. I simply don't know which, if one even is, started the depressing state I am in. Never to worry, as I said I am neither dying nor will I stay depressed long. Well, for those of you who are hoping for a relief, I hate to tell you but I may well outlive you to both our bane.
On to... something else. I don't know what. I am not even able to think clearly about what to do. It will just happen or it won't. Good... day? Wow, yeah, it is day, evening, and I am... still up.
.
I somehow get the feeling that I know what a zombie would feel like. I simply can't sleep. But I am definitely not firing on all eight cylinders. I've got five going on idle, if I pushed it I could get a sixth, and if I hammer it to redline I might get all eight right before the engine caught on fire. Have you ever been out in the desert for a while, on foot, and been out of water, with a dusty breeze and the sun in your eyes, for some number of hours. My eyes feel like that. On the good side I have plenty of water, I don't have to walk anywhere, and my skin isn't crispy. But I can see the Ireland on the horizon if I look closely enough. Yeah, I think I take the thousand yard stare just right to the edge. Gosh, I hope that is Ireland and not some distant planet?
While I can't control my thoughts at this time, sort of like what most people go through while dreaming, my mind really is free to explore ideas. I should be careful about commenting at this point too. Most people really live in very small tight prisons of their own design. Anything that might expose that they are in a prison, or more that there is a way out, is treated as if I was about to pour hot molten metal on them. So many are so stuck and so afraid. I tell you, as one who knows, do not fear on this planet. Not even death should be feared, only... grudgingly... respected... but only of flesh. You will see, in time, that it is nothing. You will see death as a silly ritual for graduating. Uhrm, unless you are bound to the world, which will die, along with you if you cling to it. And they call me gloomy! Cheers.
It has been somewhat depressing to have been so battered because of obvious to me truths and doubts. Oh, it isn't just online. I have seen men I thought I was in league with, who must read here once in a while... in limbo between respect, even honor, and a form of loathing toward me. Of course, no one says what is on their minds. Which is worse. I am not even sure which thing I said, wrote, or did caused such a reaction. If it is simply something that is true, of God or from His words or Christ's actions, I have no room for debate. If it is one of the arrows that I as a blind man cast at the world I might certainly clarify, or even negotiate. But I don't know so I can't do a thing. Then again, it is the political season, and an important one, maybe the final one. People are more on edge in every way, and... for good reason. We don't vote on a president, policies, the future... we will be voting on freedom and... some of us are not even sure of that. Okay, the moniker "gloomy" stays.
It has been partly cloudy. It seems so much darker than that though, somehow. Moods are certainly a part to the sense of things, but like the snake that consumes itself, it is difficult to know what is mood, what is sense, and which is the precursor and which the follower. I know my heart is struggling, beyond all this. I simply don't know which, if one even is, started the depressing state I am in. Never to worry, as I said I am neither dying nor will I stay depressed long. Well, for those of you who are hoping for a relief, I hate to tell you but I may well outlive you to both our bane.
On to... something else. I don't know what. I am not even able to think clearly about what to do. It will just happen or it won't. Good... day? Wow, yeah, it is day, evening, and I am... still up.
Way too tired.
.
.
I have been staying up until 14:30 for the last few days. I won't be today. I thought about taking a nap earlier just never got to it. I try to busy myself with little things. Reading blogs, the shorter the articles the better, and really the less complicated the better, gaming, research... all little. I won't be figuring out a new stratagem for Republicans, libertarians, or conservatives to be sure. I post, for what it is worth. I seem to be making everyone angry. Well, that is my lot in life I suppose. Anyway, I won't be making it to 14:30 today. I don't know how I did it yesterday, if I know I pushed way beyond what I should have.
Do you remember Home Alone? The movie? I saw a kid recently out and about, who I suspect reads here (don't ask, kids... get into everything). He had that look that the kid in the movie had when he was frightened after seeing me. I suspect he knows something about who was in my house. Fear, I'll tell you, and kids can't hide it. If it was him he has nothing to worry about. If he simply knew about who was doing it, I think he will be... talking to them. There is something about putting the fear of God into a child that is both pleasing and... unpalatable... at the same time. That is usually a job for parents, though I think his parents do a good job of that in an honest way. It's the part of parenting no one really... signed up for. Still, if it saves trouble in the future, I'm good with it. Yeah, I had to work at not laughing when I saw the look though. Kids are just too funny sometimes.
What is it about what I say, even just as a minor notion, or such, that really roils people? Are people really so isolated that they never have heard a different idea? Are they so political that they can't take a step back and look at their candidate? You can say anything you want to me, with some modicum of respect, and I'll listen. I might end up telling you it is simply foolish and I don't believe a word of it, but I'll give you your shot at defending, convincing. If you just say it. Most people really can't handle... different. In person I have to be much more careful with words. I don't know if my size is the issue, my solid way of speaking could be part of it, but even when I am gentle, respectful, or such, my words seem to be even "louder" than how I write. Even when I am using low, even soft, tones. I dunno. I think the people are quite thin-skinned. That's all I'm saying. If that hurts your feelings, go talk to Hellen...
Oh, Hellen? Ms. Wait deals with complaints for me. Just... don't dicker, don't tarry, go straight to Hellen Wait. Bah!
Good night. Hmm, time does fly. It is nearly 15:30! Weird, I thought it was... around 9:30, 10:00 maybe... Ah well. All good.
.
I have been staying up until 14:30 for the last few days. I won't be today. I thought about taking a nap earlier just never got to it. I try to busy myself with little things. Reading blogs, the shorter the articles the better, and really the less complicated the better, gaming, research... all little. I won't be figuring out a new stratagem for Republicans, libertarians, or conservatives to be sure. I post, for what it is worth. I seem to be making everyone angry. Well, that is my lot in life I suppose. Anyway, I won't be making it to 14:30 today. I don't know how I did it yesterday, if I know I pushed way beyond what I should have.
Do you remember Home Alone? The movie? I saw a kid recently out and about, who I suspect reads here (don't ask, kids... get into everything). He had that look that the kid in the movie had when he was frightened after seeing me. I suspect he knows something about who was in my house. Fear, I'll tell you, and kids can't hide it. If it was him he has nothing to worry about. If he simply knew about who was doing it, I think he will be... talking to them. There is something about putting the fear of God into a child that is both pleasing and... unpalatable... at the same time. That is usually a job for parents, though I think his parents do a good job of that in an honest way. It's the part of parenting no one really... signed up for. Still, if it saves trouble in the future, I'm good with it. Yeah, I had to work at not laughing when I saw the look though. Kids are just too funny sometimes.
What is it about what I say, even just as a minor notion, or such, that really roils people? Are people really so isolated that they never have heard a different idea? Are they so political that they can't take a step back and look at their candidate? You can say anything you want to me, with some modicum of respect, and I'll listen. I might end up telling you it is simply foolish and I don't believe a word of it, but I'll give you your shot at defending, convincing. If you just say it. Most people really can't handle... different. In person I have to be much more careful with words. I don't know if my size is the issue, my solid way of speaking could be part of it, but even when I am gentle, respectful, or such, my words seem to be even "louder" than how I write. Even when I am using low, even soft, tones. I dunno. I think the people are quite thin-skinned. That's all I'm saying. If that hurts your feelings, go talk to Hellen...
Oh, Hellen? Ms. Wait deals with complaints for me. Just... don't dicker, don't tarry, go straight to Hellen Wait. Bah!
Good night. Hmm, time does fly. It is nearly 15:30! Weird, I thought it was... around 9:30, 10:00 maybe... Ah well. All good.
Okies, but why?
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.
If you have read here even once in a while, you have some grasp of at least my recent history. You know my health issues, difficulties with doctors, keeping on meds, the rest. Now, take a moment to glance over some of this story. If what I am told about me is true, then why do I look and perform like the guys in this study? That isn't my question to answer, save for myself. If you think this page is just a story, then explain. But... your answer is no more for me than mine is for you. It certainly looks like I was ahead of that reaction curve of today by decades though. It's easier to see in vast numbers is all. The difference is they are... recognized, officially, publicly. I am simply considered... infirm, even now that they know better.
I actually hate it when the truth slips out. I usually have it buried quite deeply. And I don't like it, as much because I don't know it fully as because I don't understand what of it I do know... when I can't forget.
After dinner arrived last night and I settled in, I ate like a hungry hound! It was a very good meal which only added to my hunger. I had to think about whether to go back to bed or not, but not for long, and not really. I crashed so hard Thor couldn't replicate the thud by casting Mjölnir from Asgard to earth! Hush about my use of pagan notions! It IS Thursday after all. Get it right when you cast a stone. :p Anyway. I slept from 14:30 (how I stayed up that late I will never know) until supper arrived at, I think, 18:30. My 17:00 alarm was still going off when I answered the door, so it had not waken me at all. I was back in bed by... well... long enough to answer the door, accept the gift of food and offer thanks, prepare my place to dine, then scoff 'teh' dinner as if I deserved it. It wasn't large but I have been eating very little, so I was filled to the brim and almost to bursting. A feast. Anyway, I doubt if that took an half hour. Oh, there was the pondering about sleep or not, if my guess is that took less time than it does to type the period at the end of this sentence.
I don't know if you remember me writing it, but there was a time when I dated a much older woman. Part of the reason I could do that was, even though she was older... she was as a child to me. That makes the prospect of marrying a younger woman... fear inducing. I must seem ancient to such a woman. Even my older woman understood and accepted me as a form of... elder, senior. She did. It wasn't out of deference to me as a male, she didn't work that way. She simply recognized something in me and responded to that.
I slept well, soundly, and comfortably until about 3:30. Waking to a nicely cool home, I got up and started... I dunno... wandering. The girls were fed right away. I... can't recall what happened next, though I think I just sat at the this computer and... disappeared. I still haven't waken at 7:45. Oh, sure, I blogged. But... yeah... that just sort of wrote itself. I'm not even sure it was well written. Oh, but I also got a shower in and boy did I need that! I may take nap though. Tired, so very tired. Too many days of too little sleep and odd amounts of sleep. Trying to get back on days is proving brutal and seemingly pointless. But, that's my job for now.
Later, good day, but not really good night even if I do go back to sleep it will merely be a nap.
.
If you have read here even once in a while, you have some grasp of at least my recent history. You know my health issues, difficulties with doctors, keeping on meds, the rest. Now, take a moment to glance over some of this story. If what I am told about me is true, then why do I look and perform like the guys in this study? That isn't my question to answer, save for myself. If you think this page is just a story, then explain. But... your answer is no more for me than mine is for you. It certainly looks like I was ahead of that reaction curve of today by decades though. It's easier to see in vast numbers is all. The difference is they are... recognized, officially, publicly. I am simply considered... infirm, even now that they know better.
I actually hate it when the truth slips out. I usually have it buried quite deeply. And I don't like it, as much because I don't know it fully as because I don't understand what of it I do know... when I can't forget.
After dinner arrived last night and I settled in, I ate like a hungry hound! It was a very good meal which only added to my hunger. I had to think about whether to go back to bed or not, but not for long, and not really. I crashed so hard Thor couldn't replicate the thud by casting Mjölnir from Asgard to earth! Hush about my use of pagan notions! It IS Thursday after all. Get it right when you cast a stone. :p Anyway. I slept from 14:30 (how I stayed up that late I will never know) until supper arrived at, I think, 18:30. My 17:00 alarm was still going off when I answered the door, so it had not waken me at all. I was back in bed by... well... long enough to answer the door, accept the gift of food and offer thanks, prepare my place to dine, then scoff 'teh' dinner as if I deserved it. It wasn't large but I have been eating very little, so I was filled to the brim and almost to bursting. A feast. Anyway, I doubt if that took an half hour. Oh, there was the pondering about sleep or not, if my guess is that took less time than it does to type the period at the end of this sentence.
I don't know if you remember me writing it, but there was a time when I dated a much older woman. Part of the reason I could do that was, even though she was older... she was as a child to me. That makes the prospect of marrying a younger woman... fear inducing. I must seem ancient to such a woman. Even my older woman understood and accepted me as a form of... elder, senior. She did. It wasn't out of deference to me as a male, she didn't work that way. She simply recognized something in me and responded to that.
I slept well, soundly, and comfortably until about 3:30. Waking to a nicely cool home, I got up and started... I dunno... wandering. The girls were fed right away. I... can't recall what happened next, though I think I just sat at the this computer and... disappeared. I still haven't waken at 7:45. Oh, sure, I blogged. But... yeah... that just sort of wrote itself. I'm not even sure it was well written. Oh, but I also got a shower in and boy did I need that! I may take nap though. Tired, so very tired. Too many days of too little sleep and odd amounts of sleep. Trying to get back on days is proving brutal and seemingly pointless. But, that's my job for now.
Later, good day, but not really good night even if I do go back to sleep it will merely be a nap.
Oh...say can you see...
.
.
I've always sort of liked that song. First, when young, because it was a puzzle. One I have never fully figured out how to work even as an adult though. It is quite the song to sing, or, uhrm, try to sing. Later I enjoyed that it was based on a historic piece of our real national history.
...by the dawns early light.
And, yes, actually, I think the song has more importance today than ever. This nation has been assaulted by the enemy within. Our demons, fever and guilt imposed dementia, self-hate, and such have been on display in these last election cycles. America is sick and some part of it simply wants us to die, all of us, as a people, as a nation, altogether, even for some of us in the real sense of "die". Some parts of it, us, are fighting back, and other parts don't really see a difference.
It hasn't just been about the part that is fighting simply winning through attrition. That... can't work. It would be another form of defeat of what might be called the American Way. That part of the American way is what many know as the peaceful transfer of power from one administration to the next. No, what it has required is a battle of ideas and of people not backing down in the face of rabid attacks, even the use of supposed law officials for harm, like when Stacey was in hiding so his enemies didn't call a SWAT team in to wrongly batter down his door and falsely arrest him, perhaps shooting him in the chaos of the event. It is taking people standing up and being proud to be straight, believe in American exceptionalism, showing what is good about being a home and business owner, showing that hard work does pay and is worth it, by women exposing the wonders of being homemakers, wives, and mothers, men showing that being a husband, father, bread-winner, and man is worth jumping through all the hoops. All these things we take for granted, from tradition, to there truly being right and wrong, to obedience but not before morals and real principles, are under siege in ways we have never imagined as a rather good and humble people.
Let the rich do their thing, I suppose. They always have. Let the poor do their thing, they are much the same. But let them be outliers, and bad examples, not the bar by which all else is measured. Academia is lost, for the moment. The police in many places have barricaded themselves in and militarized, like U.N. troops in a muslim nation. They ignore the war crimes, the rapes, the child molesting, the murders, they just... stay alive.
No more. I see Zero and ghouls as they are, and always have. But more and more people are waking to the fact of what I have always seen. Some of that, don't fool yourself, is a realization that he is losing. Even losers don't particularly like to hitch their wagon to the suicide car, laden with explosives, just as cockroaches avoid the light. Some of it is merely thinking his form of "moderate" is just slightly too far to the left. Some of it is pure greed, from often leftist indoctrinated doctors seeing their practices become state properties and their work transformed from a medical/scientific challenge into bureaucratic placeholders, to limousine liberals and others wanting to hold onto their filthy lucre. But I think more of it, the majority and perhaps vast majority, is from people realizing, slowly, that... becoming worldly is not quite what they want to do, yet, if ever. Preserving American exceptionalism isn't just about America or Americans, either. The loss of America "as we know it" would mean the last powerfully bright light secular powers with any potential for true good in the world as we know it would go out. The remnants would fall in very short order. The little hope that remains in Europe would be eaten, Israel would be utterly destroyed, and the small changes which offer some hope to the good peoples of the world would end in chaos, looting, rape, and murder. The end of times or another dark age would be upon us. Beyond this point there be dragons.
One last notion...
Don't tread on me.
.
I've always sort of liked that song. First, when young, because it was a puzzle. One I have never fully figured out how to work even as an adult though. It is quite the song to sing, or, uhrm, try to sing. Later I enjoyed that it was based on a historic piece of our real national history.
...by the dawns early light.
And, yes, actually, I think the song has more importance today than ever. This nation has been assaulted by the enemy within. Our demons, fever and guilt imposed dementia, self-hate, and such have been on display in these last election cycles. America is sick and some part of it simply wants us to die, all of us, as a people, as a nation, altogether, even for some of us in the real sense of "die". Some parts of it, us, are fighting back, and other parts don't really see a difference.
It hasn't just been about the part that is fighting simply winning through attrition. That... can't work. It would be another form of defeat of what might be called the American Way. That part of the American way is what many know as the peaceful transfer of power from one administration to the next. No, what it has required is a battle of ideas and of people not backing down in the face of rabid attacks, even the use of supposed law officials for harm, like when Stacey was in hiding so his enemies didn't call a SWAT team in to wrongly batter down his door and falsely arrest him, perhaps shooting him in the chaos of the event. It is taking people standing up and being proud to be straight, believe in American exceptionalism, showing what is good about being a home and business owner, showing that hard work does pay and is worth it, by women exposing the wonders of being homemakers, wives, and mothers, men showing that being a husband, father, bread-winner, and man is worth jumping through all the hoops. All these things we take for granted, from tradition, to there truly being right and wrong, to obedience but not before morals and real principles, are under siege in ways we have never imagined as a rather good and humble people.
Let the rich do their thing, I suppose. They always have. Let the poor do their thing, they are much the same. But let them be outliers, and bad examples, not the bar by which all else is measured. Academia is lost, for the moment. The police in many places have barricaded themselves in and militarized, like U.N. troops in a muslim nation. They ignore the war crimes, the rapes, the child molesting, the murders, they just... stay alive.
No more. I see Zero and ghouls as they are, and always have. But more and more people are waking to the fact of what I have always seen. Some of that, don't fool yourself, is a realization that he is losing. Even losers don't particularly like to hitch their wagon to the suicide car, laden with explosives, just as cockroaches avoid the light. Some of it is merely thinking his form of "moderate" is just slightly too far to the left. Some of it is pure greed, from often leftist indoctrinated doctors seeing their practices become state properties and their work transformed from a medical/scientific challenge into bureaucratic placeholders, to limousine liberals and others wanting to hold onto their filthy lucre. But I think more of it, the majority and perhaps vast majority, is from people realizing, slowly, that... becoming worldly is not quite what they want to do, yet, if ever. Preserving American exceptionalism isn't just about America or Americans, either. The loss of America "as we know it" would mean the last powerfully bright light secular powers with any potential for true good in the world as we know it would go out. The remnants would fall in very short order. The little hope that remains in Europe would be eaten, Israel would be utterly destroyed, and the small changes which offer some hope to the good peoples of the world would end in chaos, looting, rape, and murder. The end of times or another dark age would be upon us. Beyond this point there be dragons.
One last notion...
Don't tread on me.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
A few little things this morning as I prepare to crash.
.
.
Visiting a "conservative" blog the other day, I got into a tangle in their comments thread. Something about how Romney was going to lower the ocean, transform America... or... close enough. I just called out the veracity of the post and another commenter. I simply suggested that I could not tell a new voter to go vote for Romney because I had no idea what Romney intends to do, at all. I could tell him not to vote for Zero. I could suggest he not vote for Johnson. But I couldn't tell him specifically to vote for Romney. Then I asked, simply, that the previous commenter post three conservative or libertarian things Romney has said he would do, though I should have asked him to clarify anything that Romney said he wouldn't do, too. In any case, my comment got taken over and changed! A bit unhappy about that I called the guy out on it. It turns out it was one of the moderators, which means one of the two guys running the page. Now, they didn't comment back or ban me or... they simply erased everything I wrote and put something weird in it's place, while it remained my posting name. I thought I had been hacked. The "moderator" wrote that he wasn't going to allow... negativism or summat. Oh? I just told him it was his domain, enjoy. And left a few thoughts. Hey, it's his page. If he wants to be a whore, let him. I doubt if he is even getting paid. A slut! Bah! Man, I guess that is why I stay away from bigger box and Republican sites, if lib sites are even worse.
.
Visiting a "conservative" blog the other day, I got into a tangle in their comments thread. Something about how Romney was going to lower the ocean, transform America... or... close enough. I just called out the veracity of the post and another commenter. I simply suggested that I could not tell a new voter to go vote for Romney because I had no idea what Romney intends to do, at all. I could tell him not to vote for Zero. I could suggest he not vote for Johnson. But I couldn't tell him specifically to vote for Romney. Then I asked, simply, that the previous commenter post three conservative or libertarian things Romney has said he would do, though I should have asked him to clarify anything that Romney said he wouldn't do, too. In any case, my comment got taken over and changed! A bit unhappy about that I called the guy out on it. It turns out it was one of the moderators, which means one of the two guys running the page. Now, they didn't comment back or ban me or... they simply erased everything I wrote and put something weird in it's place, while it remained my posting name. I thought I had been hacked. The "moderator" wrote that he wasn't going to allow... negativism or summat. Oh? I just told him it was his domain, enjoy. And left a few thoughts. Hey, it's his page. If he wants to be a whore, let him. I doubt if he is even getting paid. A slut! Bah! Man, I guess that is why I stay away from bigger box and Republican sites, if lib sites are even worse.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Confusion, learning control, dreams, the girl next door, door bells in time, and my cousin.
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.
In my spinning world of dreams and wakefulness, blogging and memory and living in the present, caught up in an avalanche where one is the other is the other with no time stamp and sometimes nothing to separate this from that, it used to be difficult to make sense of things. The first tool in my bag was procrastination. How I came to that tool I cannot say. My guess is from my... one-time association with Zen, a lesser teaching of God's wisdom as I see things now, but still. Something about, if all else fails... "just be". If I am angry, depressed, interested, curious, hungry, or any of the seemingly endless things a mortal coil can be, this tool served me well in my condition. Don't act, in other words, without taking some time to consider the action, the reason for the action, the good of the action. Of course, time for me is quite different from the notion of time for you. You have work, deadlines, a demanding partner, perhaps children, pets too, a garden maybe, and books and blogs to read and comment at. Me? I have... a mortal form of infinity.
While it certainly slows life down it also prevented many mistakes. My surety, I had decided, was not enough. I could not act just because I believed, wanted, felt, or even "knew". And good thing. Many things I knew, and even know now, prove to be wrong. This is part of why I claim to be a know nothing. No matter how much information I have, from experience, from reading, from any other source, the truth is I can't actually know. Not about them, those, this, you, or even me.
It took between ten and fifteen years of illness before I could slow things down and sort things out, well, actually that isn't even true. The time period is right, but I never did learn to slow things. I simply learned to... trust what I was sensing and learned how to navigate in that tornado. While my life seems to drop to less than a snails pace, my mind does not slow. It is similar to driving a car fast at night, so fast that headlights become nearly useless. Only I can't control the speed or increase the light, it simply is. It is no wonder I became a plaything for psychologists. I simply wanted to either learn to handle the speed as it was or to slow down, even adding brighter lights might have helped. The major rift is that my body is doing what it does and my mind continued as if my body was still in alignment. I have never figured out a way to correct that. Further, I think my mind sped up, either because the body couldn't use the resources so my mind did, or to try to compensate much as a driver might step on the accelerator if starting to lose traction in certain situations. Speed can correct for mistakes or equipment weaknesses.
Oh, but life has changed so much and yet so little. Life is still a blur. It is difficult to even explain this. Think of some of your most convoluted dreams, with blurry images, fast sequences that you can only get a glimpse of what is happening, fear from just not being in any kind of control or even being able to be fully aware. And yet I have learned to balance this. I think I almost write well, despite the confusion.
Dinner arrived tonight. I had set the alarm for 17:00 to freshen me. Dinner didn't arrive until 19:30 though (a typical time albeit). I heard the doorbell, jumped up, got set to answer the door properly, grabbed my cap, and... No one there. But I did see their minivan about a block and a half down the road. Yeah, so there can be a time delay in waking. It still seems so weird though. I could have sworn I got out of bed immediately after hearing the doorbell. That adds to the "know nothing" approach, among many other things. I did call to let them know that I was up... and hungry. Glad I did, too. Dinner was quite good and I have become Pavlovian with the dinner bell at that time of night! *drool* All good, I like to drool. Ha!
Dreams. Two nights ago I dreamed of a cousin, second cousin really. She honestly believes she is equal to men despite so many facts, even in her own life. I have discussed her before. But in this dream I learned why, if the dream is to be believed of course. Her father only had one son, the eldest I think, and a disappointment as fathers may think such things. Young men, perhaps always?, are feminized... by their lack of testosterone to start out, by school, by their mother, in some cases by having too many sisters, and for many other reasons (hence no constitutional vote until men were 25). So the father chose the strongest, most willful, daughter to fulfill his want of a strong child, son really. He developed her, coached her, pushed her, prodded her, filled the family with his notions and egalitarian notions so as to further his wishes. He talked her into wrestling, against boys. Of course, that was a failure. But having the money, other means, wilfulness, and influence, he got her onto steroids. She became competitive. He imbued her with his will and she became a manling. Of course, it all failed ultimately and remains so today.
The real results? While she wrestled she looked... quite butch. But when she left that, and ended the drugs, she returned to being a quite attractive young lady. She joined the service, but after just a few years she was disabled due to a shoulder injury, most likely from wrestling and steroids, not the service, though. Still, the service pays her disability. Then she met a strong man, like herself she thought. My guess is she contested him as if she was still a wrestler. He was strong, and unforgiving. She cried foul, divorced, and is in some feminist limbo world now, not knowing how to be a woman, or what a woman is. Yes. And she confronted me. I just told her that if she could not face, in full combat, a mostly dead old man, that she had no face to save, and could certainly not call herself even my equal no matter how superior she might be in her thoughts. But that this was fine, for a woman. That is not her place. Although I saw her father seethe with rage. He came forward to confront me. I suggested to him that he was more like his daughter, which is why she failed. He had best know his place too. He is a black belt, some sash or other, in Karate. I suggested that would only make him strong enough that I could not simply defeat him, but that by the time he realized he had sorely lost, he would be dead or mortally wounded. He... backed down, knowing the truth of my words.
Last night I dreamed of a neighbor girl. Oh, too young. But she so... reminds me of my first real love. A love I never took as a lover. I shattered the thing from my past rather than... do what most do. We were too young. She was too innocent. I had things to know, learn, decide, do. I spoke with this neighborly young woman and left her with some challenges. Oh, she is the perfect wife material. Unfortunately for her, the boys she should... be interested in are just that. They, too, have things to do, decide, learn, know. And more, the economy makes it so that they will have a very difficult time feeding their own faces, let alone that of a wife and child, children. In another time, or even in some time to come, such a woman would or will... be the one. It is frustrating to see prime material when you cannot, maybe shouldn't, or have reasons not to, simply reach out and grab it. No, not taking of flesh. In the presence of ripe fruit, as in the Garden of Eden, it is never an issue of force, only certainty. When the fruit is ripe it separates from the tree by merely touching. You know this, even today, if you have ever picked ripe fruit from a tree.
Such dreams, coated with real memories, fitting in with the blur that is life for me. It... makes for a magical reality. I do wonder, however, what others think of what I write here? Do you see mere fantasy, aspects of that, insanity, or a reasonable form of reality. I have no road signs, I have no breaks or brighter lights to use on my road. I have no real means of testing my thoughts, and professional psychology is so broken it couldn't tell if IT'S thumb was up it's own ass, let alone if mine is. And worse, even if it thought mine was, it wouldn't tell me. It would just send my profile to the FBI! So... what do you see hereabouts?
.
In my spinning world of dreams and wakefulness, blogging and memory and living in the present, caught up in an avalanche where one is the other is the other with no time stamp and sometimes nothing to separate this from that, it used to be difficult to make sense of things. The first tool in my bag was procrastination. How I came to that tool I cannot say. My guess is from my... one-time association with Zen, a lesser teaching of God's wisdom as I see things now, but still. Something about, if all else fails... "just be". If I am angry, depressed, interested, curious, hungry, or any of the seemingly endless things a mortal coil can be, this tool served me well in my condition. Don't act, in other words, without taking some time to consider the action, the reason for the action, the good of the action. Of course, time for me is quite different from the notion of time for you. You have work, deadlines, a demanding partner, perhaps children, pets too, a garden maybe, and books and blogs to read and comment at. Me? I have... a mortal form of infinity.
While it certainly slows life down it also prevented many mistakes. My surety, I had decided, was not enough. I could not act just because I believed, wanted, felt, or even "knew". And good thing. Many things I knew, and even know now, prove to be wrong. This is part of why I claim to be a know nothing. No matter how much information I have, from experience, from reading, from any other source, the truth is I can't actually know. Not about them, those, this, you, or even me.
It took between ten and fifteen years of illness before I could slow things down and sort things out, well, actually that isn't even true. The time period is right, but I never did learn to slow things. I simply learned to... trust what I was sensing and learned how to navigate in that tornado. While my life seems to drop to less than a snails pace, my mind does not slow. It is similar to driving a car fast at night, so fast that headlights become nearly useless. Only I can't control the speed or increase the light, it simply is. It is no wonder I became a plaything for psychologists. I simply wanted to either learn to handle the speed as it was or to slow down, even adding brighter lights might have helped. The major rift is that my body is doing what it does and my mind continued as if my body was still in alignment. I have never figured out a way to correct that. Further, I think my mind sped up, either because the body couldn't use the resources so my mind did, or to try to compensate much as a driver might step on the accelerator if starting to lose traction in certain situations. Speed can correct for mistakes or equipment weaknesses.
Oh, but life has changed so much and yet so little. Life is still a blur. It is difficult to even explain this. Think of some of your most convoluted dreams, with blurry images, fast sequences that you can only get a glimpse of what is happening, fear from just not being in any kind of control or even being able to be fully aware. And yet I have learned to balance this. I think I almost write well, despite the confusion.
Dinner arrived tonight. I had set the alarm for 17:00 to freshen me. Dinner didn't arrive until 19:30 though (a typical time albeit). I heard the doorbell, jumped up, got set to answer the door properly, grabbed my cap, and... No one there. But I did see their minivan about a block and a half down the road. Yeah, so there can be a time delay in waking. It still seems so weird though. I could have sworn I got out of bed immediately after hearing the doorbell. That adds to the "know nothing" approach, among many other things. I did call to let them know that I was up... and hungry. Glad I did, too. Dinner was quite good and I have become Pavlovian with the dinner bell at that time of night! *drool* All good, I like to drool. Ha!
Dreams. Two nights ago I dreamed of a cousin, second cousin really. She honestly believes she is equal to men despite so many facts, even in her own life. I have discussed her before. But in this dream I learned why, if the dream is to be believed of course. Her father only had one son, the eldest I think, and a disappointment as fathers may think such things. Young men, perhaps always?, are feminized... by their lack of testosterone to start out, by school, by their mother, in some cases by having too many sisters, and for many other reasons (hence no constitutional vote until men were 25). So the father chose the strongest, most willful, daughter to fulfill his want of a strong child, son really. He developed her, coached her, pushed her, prodded her, filled the family with his notions and egalitarian notions so as to further his wishes. He talked her into wrestling, against boys. Of course, that was a failure. But having the money, other means, wilfulness, and influence, he got her onto steroids. She became competitive. He imbued her with his will and she became a manling. Of course, it all failed ultimately and remains so today.
The real results? While she wrestled she looked... quite butch. But when she left that, and ended the drugs, she returned to being a quite attractive young lady. She joined the service, but after just a few years she was disabled due to a shoulder injury, most likely from wrestling and steroids, not the service, though. Still, the service pays her disability. Then she met a strong man, like herself she thought. My guess is she contested him as if she was still a wrestler. He was strong, and unforgiving. She cried foul, divorced, and is in some feminist limbo world now, not knowing how to be a woman, or what a woman is. Yes. And she confronted me. I just told her that if she could not face, in full combat, a mostly dead old man, that she had no face to save, and could certainly not call herself even my equal no matter how superior she might be in her thoughts. But that this was fine, for a woman. That is not her place. Although I saw her father seethe with rage. He came forward to confront me. I suggested to him that he was more like his daughter, which is why she failed. He had best know his place too. He is a black belt, some sash or other, in Karate. I suggested that would only make him strong enough that I could not simply defeat him, but that by the time he realized he had sorely lost, he would be dead or mortally wounded. He... backed down, knowing the truth of my words.
Last night I dreamed of a neighbor girl. Oh, too young. But she so... reminds me of my first real love. A love I never took as a lover. I shattered the thing from my past rather than... do what most do. We were too young. She was too innocent. I had things to know, learn, decide, do. I spoke with this neighborly young woman and left her with some challenges. Oh, she is the perfect wife material. Unfortunately for her, the boys she should... be interested in are just that. They, too, have things to do, decide, learn, know. And more, the economy makes it so that they will have a very difficult time feeding their own faces, let alone that of a wife and child, children. In another time, or even in some time to come, such a woman would or will... be the one. It is frustrating to see prime material when you cannot, maybe shouldn't, or have reasons not to, simply reach out and grab it. No, not taking of flesh. In the presence of ripe fruit, as in the Garden of Eden, it is never an issue of force, only certainty. When the fruit is ripe it separates from the tree by merely touching. You know this, even today, if you have ever picked ripe fruit from a tree.
Such dreams, coated with real memories, fitting in with the blur that is life for me. It... makes for a magical reality. I do wonder, however, what others think of what I write here? Do you see mere fantasy, aspects of that, insanity, or a reasonable form of reality. I have no road signs, I have no breaks or brighter lights to use on my road. I have no real means of testing my thoughts, and professional psychology is so broken it couldn't tell if IT'S thumb was up it's own ass, let alone if mine is. And worse, even if it thought mine was, it wouldn't tell me. It would just send my profile to the FBI! So... what do you see hereabouts?
Rough!
.
.
I had hoped to get out yesterday but ran into a wall of white noise. Basically I stopped functioning if I was still awake. So I was going to get out today but I was awakened way early by a home invader, if I didn't catch him. Definitely now, the back door was unlocked when I went to let Sam out today. I check those religiously before bed. So, I am completely gassed and won't even make it to my dreadful 14:30 stay up time of yesterday. I am dragging so hard now getting everything shut up and down is going to be weird. Can't think.
Well, there is tomorrow, and the day after, and even days after that. It is not like I am choosing to be lame. Pain has mostly gone. I haven't felt much at all of the headache for most of the last day or two. I am extremely tired though. Stretched thin, as was said, like too little butter over too much toast, give or take. I'll roust around sooner rather than later though. I have things to do. But not today.
Any ideas on other meats for longer term storage? Freeze dried and the other don't seem particularly tasty, seeming more like reconstituted cardboard (though somehow quite tasty in the beef stew and beef "stroganoff" they make that way). I do need to find a way to store beef in particular for at least short to medium term. Though it might simply be too expensive, even home-canned? The freezer, of course, duh? No, that can't be counted upon. Jerky is even more expensive (and salt laden). Hmm, just... trying to figure out a way to set enough beef for a meal or two a week for several months, for now. But it has to be palatable, affordable, and if work is needed somewhat doable by a novice. Oh, and could you suggest how to make a billion while you are at it? Yeah, yack it up furballs. I was just... asking... And someone might have an idea.
Good day and good night. At least I don't have to say "and good morning", technically, if barely. Oh, I best set my alarm so that when dinner arrives I will be ready.
.
I had hoped to get out yesterday but ran into a wall of white noise. Basically I stopped functioning if I was still awake. So I was going to get out today but I was awakened way early by a home invader, if I didn't catch him. Definitely now, the back door was unlocked when I went to let Sam out today. I check those religiously before bed. So, I am completely gassed and won't even make it to my dreadful 14:30 stay up time of yesterday. I am dragging so hard now getting everything shut up and down is going to be weird. Can't think.
Well, there is tomorrow, and the day after, and even days after that. It is not like I am choosing to be lame. Pain has mostly gone. I haven't felt much at all of the headache for most of the last day or two. I am extremely tired though. Stretched thin, as was said, like too little butter over too much toast, give or take. I'll roust around sooner rather than later though. I have things to do. But not today.
Any ideas on other meats for longer term storage? Freeze dried and the other don't seem particularly tasty, seeming more like reconstituted cardboard (though somehow quite tasty in the beef stew and beef "stroganoff" they make that way). I do need to find a way to store beef in particular for at least short to medium term. Though it might simply be too expensive, even home-canned? The freezer, of course, duh? No, that can't be counted upon. Jerky is even more expensive (and salt laden). Hmm, just... trying to figure out a way to set enough beef for a meal or two a week for several months, for now. But it has to be palatable, affordable, and if work is needed somewhat doable by a novice. Oh, and could you suggest how to make a billion while you are at it? Yeah, yack it up furballs. I was just... asking... And someone might have an idea.
Good day and good night. At least I don't have to say "and good morning", technically, if barely. Oh, I best set my alarm so that when dinner arrives I will be ready.
Someone was in my home.
.
.
I have long suspected that someone, or more, has been getting into my home. Oh, I haven't found too much gone. The only thing I am pretty sure that is missing is a large roaster (expensive though, if it was damaged and I wanted to replace it anyway is beside the point). I don't think any ammunition is gone, absolutely certain no guns are gone, but there are many things here, some of which are consumables so, difficult to track while being used. My guess, as I have said, is neighbor kids, among a few other... notions. How do I know? Lights left on and sometimes Sassy is... fit to be tied when I come back from town. I know her well enough to know when something is eating her. If Sam was outside, I know it wasn't Sam. And outside things don't get Sassy riled, while visitors (even when I am here) may. My guess is some of the people that come in aren't nice to her, and she doesn't like other people anyway. Now, the basement light I use from time to time. So it being on when I was sure it was off is... debatable. Memory being what it is, and perfect habits not really possible, that can be questioned. But not tonight. Whoever was here left a light on that I haven't used in months. There is zero doubt at this point. They probably woke me up, or the cats did fussing about it.
I am going to be speaking with the sheriff. I will also let some local people know that I know, and see if that doesn't filter around to whoever, or whoever's parents, might be doing this. I am also considering getting door bars for now. The doors are locked, but as I said a key has gone missing. New locks are just too costly right now and all but the seriously pricey ones are pretty easy to jimmy. Windows, if they are shut, are the type that can't really be jimmied open, so entry through them would show an obvious break-in. If that doesn't solve it mostly, I will have to work out something else. At this point it isn't just about the idea or theft or safety, but of will, if those other things definitely come into play on their own. But how to make my home secure when I am gone, especially since I suspect locals who can just look in the garage? *grumbles*
So, I woke at 21:30, way too early. I really suspect that I heard whoever. Not good on too many fronts. Now, I never consciously heard a thing. I rise out of bed pretty quickly, but I can't be sure how long from beginning to wake to rising there is. Perhaps I fuss while I am waking, especially with so little sleep and being tired from trying to push my days around. I do know if I find someone and corner them, kid or adult, I won't take an ounce of guff and they will be waiting for the law, dead or alive, makes little difference to me. It is totally up to them. Don't even need a gun but I've got half a dozen. So, if you are the one and reading this, and I catch you? Do what you are told. Don't think trying to kick me in the shins or biting me, or even shooting or stabbing me, will get you out and away. Just so you know.
Hmm, back to regularly scheduled programming.
.
I have long suspected that someone, or more, has been getting into my home. Oh, I haven't found too much gone. The only thing I am pretty sure that is missing is a large roaster (expensive though, if it was damaged and I wanted to replace it anyway is beside the point). I don't think any ammunition is gone, absolutely certain no guns are gone, but there are many things here, some of which are consumables so, difficult to track while being used. My guess, as I have said, is neighbor kids, among a few other... notions. How do I know? Lights left on and sometimes Sassy is... fit to be tied when I come back from town. I know her well enough to know when something is eating her. If Sam was outside, I know it wasn't Sam. And outside things don't get Sassy riled, while visitors (even when I am here) may. My guess is some of the people that come in aren't nice to her, and she doesn't like other people anyway. Now, the basement light I use from time to time. So it being on when I was sure it was off is... debatable. Memory being what it is, and perfect habits not really possible, that can be questioned. But not tonight. Whoever was here left a light on that I haven't used in months. There is zero doubt at this point. They probably woke me up, or the cats did fussing about it.
I am going to be speaking with the sheriff. I will also let some local people know that I know, and see if that doesn't filter around to whoever, or whoever's parents, might be doing this. I am also considering getting door bars for now. The doors are locked, but as I said a key has gone missing. New locks are just too costly right now and all but the seriously pricey ones are pretty easy to jimmy. Windows, if they are shut, are the type that can't really be jimmied open, so entry through them would show an obvious break-in. If that doesn't solve it mostly, I will have to work out something else. At this point it isn't just about the idea or theft or safety, but of will, if those other things definitely come into play on their own. But how to make my home secure when I am gone, especially since I suspect locals who can just look in the garage? *grumbles*
So, I woke at 21:30, way too early. I really suspect that I heard whoever. Not good on too many fronts. Now, I never consciously heard a thing. I rise out of bed pretty quickly, but I can't be sure how long from beginning to wake to rising there is. Perhaps I fuss while I am waking, especially with so little sleep and being tired from trying to push my days around. I do know if I find someone and corner them, kid or adult, I won't take an ounce of guff and they will be waiting for the law, dead or alive, makes little difference to me. It is totally up to them. Don't even need a gun but I've got half a dozen. So, if you are the one and reading this, and I catch you? Do what you are told. Don't think trying to kick me in the shins or biting me, or even shooting or stabbing me, will get you out and away. Just so you know.
Hmm, back to regularly scheduled programming.
Monday, September 3, 2012
No nap.
.
.
I've been enjoying watching the vids I've used on this blog on full screen, but too, I considered napping at several times and it just wasn't going to happen. Oh, but the videos have been fantastic in full, wide-screen, highest def, viewing. Yum!
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I've been enjoying watching the vids I've used on this blog on full screen, but too, I considered napping at several times and it just wasn't going to happen. Oh, but the videos have been fantastic in full, wide-screen, highest def, viewing. Yum!
Sleep can be so screwy.
.
.
Of course, the situations don't always help. I went to bed, sort of, at 14:00. But I knew dinner was coming in, so I didn't want to sleep too deeply. I set my alarm for 17:00 which is the earliest I usually see it on Sunday. Dinner arrived a bit later, but I had my hat at the ready to put on to cover the messy hair and was mostly dressed for company, so answering the bell was easy. Delicious, by the way. They called it a blueberry French toast casserole, which is pretty apt. I might have called it a non-glueified blueberry bread pudding but I... think their name sounds... better. Okay, let's stick with their name. Oh, and it was delicious. I then couldn't get right back to sleep, so a bit of tinkering to come back down. Back in bed I only lasted until 23:30 or something. Gah!
I have told my friend I would be in today. On the way in, I am hoping to make it to Mass, then get my car taxes paid, then stop in and see him. Shopping he says. Holsters he suggests. Fine, fine, we can do that. I told him to be a little hungry. If nothing else a burger and fries, which ain't all bad when you are starving... if you can really taste the salt after not eating anything for a while. Ah, but it goes down like a dream anyway. My body is like... "Salt? What is this salt stuff and why am I not getting any?" I just say, "Yeah, yeah. Shut up or you won't get anymore. You might have some control, but I have the rest, bastage." Oh, it knows I am just teasing. Besides, it knows where I sleep. :p Oh, and we will plan a time this week to go shooting at the range.
I will probably take a nap between now and takeoff time. Perhaps trying to go down at 3:30 to 4:30 and waking at 5:30 or 7:30... Well, I can try. Otherwise it's going to be a little dry. I am having a heck of a time staying up past 11:00. I can make it to 14:00, maybe 15:00, but it is purely on fumes and involves a crash landing. Getting this day shift thing going is always troubling though.
The girls sure are spoiled. They beg and quite often they get... food... out... in... up... down. Especially if they tag team me. I have been trying to keep them from some notions, altogether, though. Like...
It just ain't going to happen. It's... bad enough, as AoSHQ pointed out.
Just... saying.
Oh, here is an oldie but a goody, for those of you who have an ear to hear, and eye to see, and a bit of common sense. H/T A Catholic View
And, finally, for those on the fence about this upcoming election... In his own words.
Later.
.
Of course, the situations don't always help. I went to bed, sort of, at 14:00. But I knew dinner was coming in, so I didn't want to sleep too deeply. I set my alarm for 17:00 which is the earliest I usually see it on Sunday. Dinner arrived a bit later, but I had my hat at the ready to put on to cover the messy hair and was mostly dressed for company, so answering the bell was easy. Delicious, by the way. They called it a blueberry French toast casserole, which is pretty apt. I might have called it a non-glueified blueberry bread pudding but I... think their name sounds... better. Okay, let's stick with their name. Oh, and it was delicious. I then couldn't get right back to sleep, so a bit of tinkering to come back down. Back in bed I only lasted until 23:30 or something. Gah!
I have told my friend I would be in today. On the way in, I am hoping to make it to Mass, then get my car taxes paid, then stop in and see him. Shopping he says. Holsters he suggests. Fine, fine, we can do that. I told him to be a little hungry. If nothing else a burger and fries, which ain't all bad when you are starving... if you can really taste the salt after not eating anything for a while. Ah, but it goes down like a dream anyway. My body is like... "Salt? What is this salt stuff and why am I not getting any?" I just say, "Yeah, yeah. Shut up or you won't get anymore. You might have some control, but I have the rest, bastage." Oh, it knows I am just teasing. Besides, it knows where I sleep. :p Oh, and we will plan a time this week to go shooting at the range.
I will probably take a nap between now and takeoff time. Perhaps trying to go down at 3:30 to 4:30 and waking at 5:30 or 7:30... Well, I can try. Otherwise it's going to be a little dry. I am having a heck of a time staying up past 11:00. I can make it to 14:00, maybe 15:00, but it is purely on fumes and involves a crash landing. Getting this day shift thing going is always troubling though.
The girls sure are spoiled. They beg and quite often they get... food... out... in... up... down. Especially if they tag team me. I have been trying to keep them from some notions, altogether, though. Like...
Oh, here is an oldie but a goody, for those of you who have an ear to hear, and eye to see, and a bit of common sense. H/T A Catholic View
And, finally, for those on the fence about this upcoming election... In his own words.
Later.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Victory in Japan Day, well, the last one.
.
.
Makes me want to smoke a cigar, to be honest. While far to young to have even seen anything about even Vietnam or the Korean War, let alone WW II, I came to know about the latter and former very well indeed. I never got to the point of reconstructing maps and troop layouts, memorizing uniforms, ribbons, or any of that, true. I did become familiar with the general way the war was fought, and the European front as well of course, crucial battles, paths, little pockets of trouble, some of the political and internal military politics, some of the leaders and such. And, reading enough, I almost sweated with the guys in the jungles, or ran to quarters with the sailors being attacked first conventionally then by suicide planes. Lots of good boys became men, and many of those never came home. They will always be sorely missed.
Oh, why is September 2nd the "last" VJ-Day? Well, because the Japanese surrendered by cable on August 14th, the news hit the world August 15th, but the official surrender ceremony was held September 2, 1945. Ffor those of you who consider one of the other days to be "the day". And, yes, they are all validly considered VJ Day, if president Truman declared it to be today, the Japanese (and many parts of the world) consider it to be August 15th, with the emperor's radio message of surrender. In any case, that is a bit more trivia for you.
It's difficult to even find photos of General MacArthur signing the treaty. They ARE busy scrubbing history, aren't they. Don't want people to know, remember, understand, think outside of their cubicle, classroom, "place". Never mind. I did find one. Oh, he was just the fussy stuffy ol' guy who told the rest what to do, and to a degree how to do it, then expected them to pull his miracle out of their *bleep*, sort of. But... he was the face and lead mind that got it done. It's difficult to know how much to thank a general, or admiral, having been what I was. But... there is plenty of room for respect, and he was good at his job. If he was a gruff sob about it. Then again, he sent a lot of men to their graves, and really, he had to do so. Yeah, I guess I would be a bit gruff too. Just being gruff myself today? :p Though too, what he did to Japan... still ruffles my feathers. He forced women to get the vote and... socialized everything he could get his hands on, and destroyed the place, culture. Maybe that WAS the point, not sure. Or maybe he was a typical idealistic elite. I will never know.
Our boys did a hell of a job. From fighting, to thinking, to making, to surviving, to winning. We won a war we didn't start. The cost? Ask what the cost of losing would have been. The price was... non-negotiable.
.
Makes me want to smoke a cigar, to be honest. While far to young to have even seen anything about even Vietnam or the Korean War, let alone WW II, I came to know about the latter and former very well indeed. I never got to the point of reconstructing maps and troop layouts, memorizing uniforms, ribbons, or any of that, true. I did become familiar with the general way the war was fought, and the European front as well of course, crucial battles, paths, little pockets of trouble, some of the political and internal military politics, some of the leaders and such. And, reading enough, I almost sweated with the guys in the jungles, or ran to quarters with the sailors being attacked first conventionally then by suicide planes. Lots of good boys became men, and many of those never came home. They will always be sorely missed.
Oh, why is September 2nd the "last" VJ-Day? Well, because the Japanese surrendered by cable on August 14th, the news hit the world August 15th, but the official surrender ceremony was held September 2, 1945. Ffor those of you who consider one of the other days to be "the day". And, yes, they are all validly considered VJ Day, if president Truman declared it to be today, the Japanese (and many parts of the world) consider it to be August 15th, with the emperor's radio message of surrender. In any case, that is a bit more trivia for you.
It's difficult to even find photos of General MacArthur signing the treaty. They ARE busy scrubbing history, aren't they. Don't want people to know, remember, understand, think outside of their cubicle, classroom, "place". Never mind. I did find one. Oh, he was just the fussy stuffy ol' guy who told the rest what to do, and to a degree how to do it, then expected them to pull his miracle out of their *bleep*, sort of. But... he was the face and lead mind that got it done. It's difficult to know how much to thank a general, or admiral, having been what I was. But... there is plenty of room for respect, and he was good at his job. If he was a gruff sob about it. Then again, he sent a lot of men to their graves, and really, he had to do so. Yeah, I guess I would be a bit gruff too. Just being gruff myself today? :p Though too, what he did to Japan... still ruffles my feathers. He forced women to get the vote and... socialized everything he could get his hands on, and destroyed the place, culture. Maybe that WAS the point, not sure. Or maybe he was a typical idealistic elite. I will never know.
Our boys did a hell of a job. From fighting, to thinking, to making, to surviving, to winning. We won a war we didn't start. The cost? Ask what the cost of losing would have been. The price was... non-negotiable.
Trying to turn it around.
.
.
Fighting to get back on days can be difficult. The body just won't always have it, or can collapse in the middle of it, leaving me in sleep limbo. I have, for the most part, gotten back to spending longer periods awake with shorter times asleep. Not just recently, that last. I would guess since I moved out her for sure. When I have a woman around, that actually helps me regulate a great deal better too. If anything I usually stay up too long, I think. I really haven't done a scientific study on it, and, yes, that would be necessary to be sure. But I think I spend, generally, 12 to 21 hours up, then 6 to 12 hours down. When I am doing better, as I am now mostly in spite of the headaches, I can reach a more general average of 14-20 hours up, 6-8 hours down. Not scientifically verified, just... my sense of things. That does make it difficult to square the circle of keeping days as a regular menu item. It's like the tides or something.
I woke at midnight, or 2:00 or something this last time. I am hoping to drag myself as far into the day as possible. The one caveat about staying up is that when I try to change my waking cycle... it can backfire, I can get too sleepy to manage while treading on new day ground. It can also make me sleep and wake in short, perhaps four hour, periods for a number of days until I let go and let things rebalance as they need. I am hoping to do well enough in these next few days that I can make Mass Monday. I simply can't guarantee it though. Well, it is fun to try and change my life. All I can do is little and slow but it means the world to me to be my own master? Even for a little while on a little thing. Something.
How odd. I probably still could take my cousins and friend but I can't control my sleep? Whatever. Well, it was the same with sleep even then, come to think of it though. Cosmic joke thing in any case. Oh, yeah, real funny there. And, actually... it is!
The girls have been fed three times but are still hungry and it is just past 9:00. Brats! But I sure love them. They keep me from falling too far into nowhere. Even if I can't feed my face I can at least feed someone's face. I feed both their faces, as I like to tell them. Yeah, they don't get any of my jokes, just push me along to get them chow. All good. Sam is out for the morning, sunning, chasing birds and mice, lounging for the local tom's fall calendar cat line-up, or whatever she does. Sassy is in, going a bit ape for her morning exercise. She still trills when she speaks to me, something I do enjoy... more emotive of a meow somehow. Or exotic? Yep, I like my little beasties and they like their (pwned) ogre.
Yeah, I didn't make it to town. I just couldn't hump it up and out. I've got my eye on that though, I want some food! Food is being delivered tonight but I want something around for other times, and for those days they don't come. I will travel later at night, when I go, if I hope to be in before 23:00 so I can make it to my favored store. Walmart is fine for cat food, non-vitals, and such. But for good meats I prefer a real grocery store, one in particular. And the prices aren't that much different, if at least to me, the quality is very different.
Well, I think I'll game for a while. That can help me push through the day a bit more blithely. Good day, but not yet good night.
.
Fighting to get back on days can be difficult. The body just won't always have it, or can collapse in the middle of it, leaving me in sleep limbo. I have, for the most part, gotten back to spending longer periods awake with shorter times asleep. Not just recently, that last. I would guess since I moved out her for sure. When I have a woman around, that actually helps me regulate a great deal better too. If anything I usually stay up too long, I think. I really haven't done a scientific study on it, and, yes, that would be necessary to be sure. But I think I spend, generally, 12 to 21 hours up, then 6 to 12 hours down. When I am doing better, as I am now mostly in spite of the headaches, I can reach a more general average of 14-20 hours up, 6-8 hours down. Not scientifically verified, just... my sense of things. That does make it difficult to square the circle of keeping days as a regular menu item. It's like the tides or something.
I woke at midnight, or 2:00 or something this last time. I am hoping to drag myself as far into the day as possible. The one caveat about staying up is that when I try to change my waking cycle... it can backfire, I can get too sleepy to manage while treading on new day ground. It can also make me sleep and wake in short, perhaps four hour, periods for a number of days until I let go and let things rebalance as they need. I am hoping to do well enough in these next few days that I can make Mass Monday. I simply can't guarantee it though. Well, it is fun to try and change my life. All I can do is little and slow but it means the world to me to be my own master? Even for a little while on a little thing. Something.
How odd. I probably still could take my cousins and friend but I can't control my sleep? Whatever. Well, it was the same with sleep even then, come to think of it though. Cosmic joke thing in any case. Oh, yeah, real funny there. And, actually... it is!
The girls have been fed three times but are still hungry and it is just past 9:00. Brats! But I sure love them. They keep me from falling too far into nowhere. Even if I can't feed my face I can at least feed someone's face. I feed both their faces, as I like to tell them. Yeah, they don't get any of my jokes, just push me along to get them chow. All good. Sam is out for the morning, sunning, chasing birds and mice, lounging for the local tom's fall calendar cat line-up, or whatever she does. Sassy is in, going a bit ape for her morning exercise. She still trills when she speaks to me, something I do enjoy... more emotive of a meow somehow. Or exotic? Yep, I like my little beasties and they like their (pwned) ogre.
Yeah, I didn't make it to town. I just couldn't hump it up and out. I've got my eye on that though, I want some food! Food is being delivered tonight but I want something around for other times, and for those days they don't come. I will travel later at night, when I go, if I hope to be in before 23:00 so I can make it to my favored store. Walmart is fine for cat food, non-vitals, and such. But for good meats I prefer a real grocery store, one in particular. And the prices aren't that much different, if at least to me, the quality is very different.
Well, I think I'll game for a while. That can help me push through the day a bit more blithely. Good day, but not yet good night.
Hate!?!
.
.
Absolutely. And, not at all. I have been called a hater, prejudiced, and many other things. And, perhaps to a child it would seem that way. I do hate. The sin. Not the sinner. What of those who hold their sin, knowingly, and keep it selfishly? Those cases are, at best, difficult. For whatever reason I see sin so plainly. I am not like those who can just ignore, or learn to not see, walking on as if nothing was amiss. Much like an emergency medical person couldn't simply walk away while some one savable was dying. I just can't do it. There are times and places where there is nothing to be said or done, but... it is noted.
My last lady friend kept digging on this. She just couldn't understand. She personalized, sometimes with the sin, sometimes with the doer of the sin. She didn't consider homosexuality a sin, until a lesbian started... liking her. Even then she didn't consider it a sin, per se, more a personal inconvenience. I tried to help her, asking her what if she was a child and this was occurring, sort of to move on to the notion that we are all children in many ways? She does understand, I think, to a degree, that pedophilia is a sin. And she definitely believes rape is a sin. But I think that is because those have bit her in the ass. Why people can't... go that extra step, and see what hurts others, uses others, destroys others, is a sin, I cannot say.
Perhaps I read the bible one too many times in my youth? Perhaps I was simply created to see. It is a bit of a curse. To see inside to another human's soul is sometimes even less glamorous than digging through a garbage pit for lunch. I don't know why I see, or react to, sin as I do. I just know, even my own, sin just... hurts. It is this nature that hurts those around me, more the ones who want their sin, but too those who just want to ignore that sin is real and should not be tolerated, exploited, and that we can't simply forgive it. The doer of the sin has to seek forgiveness, and at least honestly attempt to change their way. That last is as good as it gets for us, here, now. And more, if the sin is also truly illegal, it needs to be punished. Forgiveness from sin doesn't alleviate the need for criminal punishment. That doesn't mean priests are to run to the cops, that honestly isn't what they do or are allowed to do. It... isn't their area. But if it is serious enough, they do have an obligation to "work" with that particular individual. And my guess is that they do, if possible. Then again, what do you do with a mobster or such? Pray, most likely, for honest priests.
Anyway, yeah. Just... feeling the fire sometimes, I decided to write about it.
Oh, I have, finally, officially, decided to dedicate my suffering to those in purgatory. For the relief of their souls, their suffering, to shorten their wait. I have thought about it. I didn't want to quite do it, as I thought it might be a bit of a surrender to "the way it is". And while that may be partly true, it doesn't mean I am quitting, giving up, or anything. Suffering would be nothing without the effort to change it, the willingness to fight it, the boldness to try and walk away from it even if seemingly without legs. But I am here, at last, with no place to go with my condition. While I hated the notion of being psychologically damaged, at least there was some hope I could overcome that with sheer will. This... the heart being so damaged... 15% ejection refraction... I can't undo it and medicines... probably can't either. I suspect they were lying to me about it helping or increasing heart function. All it might, and I do mean might, do is... give me a few more years of life, probably at the cost of function. It will not really increase my ability to pump blood. Such liars. Reminds me of my mom! Ugh... Take this, it tastes bad but will make you feel better. Sure, after you vomit everything you ate for the last week. And even then it only helped sometimes, when it was what you ate that was making you sick for example. :p Thanks, mom. Hehe
.
Absolutely. And, not at all. I have been called a hater, prejudiced, and many other things. And, perhaps to a child it would seem that way. I do hate. The sin. Not the sinner. What of those who hold their sin, knowingly, and keep it selfishly? Those cases are, at best, difficult. For whatever reason I see sin so plainly. I am not like those who can just ignore, or learn to not see, walking on as if nothing was amiss. Much like an emergency medical person couldn't simply walk away while some one savable was dying. I just can't do it. There are times and places where there is nothing to be said or done, but... it is noted.
My last lady friend kept digging on this. She just couldn't understand. She personalized, sometimes with the sin, sometimes with the doer of the sin. She didn't consider homosexuality a sin, until a lesbian started... liking her. Even then she didn't consider it a sin, per se, more a personal inconvenience. I tried to help her, asking her what if she was a child and this was occurring, sort of to move on to the notion that we are all children in many ways? She does understand, I think, to a degree, that pedophilia is a sin. And she definitely believes rape is a sin. But I think that is because those have bit her in the ass. Why people can't... go that extra step, and see what hurts others, uses others, destroys others, is a sin, I cannot say.
Perhaps I read the bible one too many times in my youth? Perhaps I was simply created to see. It is a bit of a curse. To see inside to another human's soul is sometimes even less glamorous than digging through a garbage pit for lunch. I don't know why I see, or react to, sin as I do. I just know, even my own, sin just... hurts. It is this nature that hurts those around me, more the ones who want their sin, but too those who just want to ignore that sin is real and should not be tolerated, exploited, and that we can't simply forgive it. The doer of the sin has to seek forgiveness, and at least honestly attempt to change their way. That last is as good as it gets for us, here, now. And more, if the sin is also truly illegal, it needs to be punished. Forgiveness from sin doesn't alleviate the need for criminal punishment. That doesn't mean priests are to run to the cops, that honestly isn't what they do or are allowed to do. It... isn't their area. But if it is serious enough, they do have an obligation to "work" with that particular individual. And my guess is that they do, if possible. Then again, what do you do with a mobster or such? Pray, most likely, for honest priests.
Anyway, yeah. Just... feeling the fire sometimes, I decided to write about it.
Oh, I have, finally, officially, decided to dedicate my suffering to those in purgatory. For the relief of their souls, their suffering, to shorten their wait. I have thought about it. I didn't want to quite do it, as I thought it might be a bit of a surrender to "the way it is". And while that may be partly true, it doesn't mean I am quitting, giving up, or anything. Suffering would be nothing without the effort to change it, the willingness to fight it, the boldness to try and walk away from it even if seemingly without legs. But I am here, at last, with no place to go with my condition. While I hated the notion of being psychologically damaged, at least there was some hope I could overcome that with sheer will. This... the heart being so damaged... 15% ejection refraction... I can't undo it and medicines... probably can't either. I suspect they were lying to me about it helping or increasing heart function. All it might, and I do mean might, do is... give me a few more years of life, probably at the cost of function. It will not really increase my ability to pump blood. Such liars. Reminds me of my mom! Ugh... Take this, it tastes bad but will make you feel better. Sure, after you vomit everything you ate for the last week. And even then it only helped sometimes, when it was what you ate that was making you sick for example. :p Thanks, mom. Hehe
'Teh king!'
.
.
About a decade ago, pretty much in the same heart shape condition I am in now, I had a lot of contact with some of my cousins. When men interact there is always... a little tension. Essentially, men have to settle things. However, being that... I am a giant... and full blood warrior... none of them wanted to test those waters. But... it was getting... tense. So, being magnanimous as I am, wise, kind, and just, *evil grins*, I suggested that they team up, along with another friend, and we go to town in a wrestling match. Three healthy young males against a 35 year old (now we know weak-hearted man) in all out, do what it takes, wrestling. No real rules, save no punching. If family jewels came into play, I just said what comes around goes around, which... pretty much took them out of the debate. I pwned them as if they were little girls.
The one I really had to watch for, actually, and knew it, was my littlest cousin. Small, truly diminutive. At maybe 5'2", he was razorblade fast and devious as a viper. I kid you not. He had evil intent too, it's in the eyes. He was the one who would later attack me from behind for not liking something he said and bruising my ribs by tripping me into a counter. I blogged about it when it happened. The others? Meh. The first thing I did was put a hand clasp on the fast one as they approached. I didn't let him see it coming, and yet I am faster than him anyway. But in a group arena, my attention might otherwise have been distracted long enough for him to crawl up and put me in a choke hold, and I think that was his plan. At that time, the others could have... eliminated my ability to get him off and defend from them. It was pretty intense, no real rules, and they were... ready to put me down. They had had enough of my dominance.
Locked on, I was able to deal with the other two pretty quickly, getting one to surrender almost immediately, taking about five minutes. With him out, I decided to deal with the fast one. Without his speed and agility in play, he was cake. The final one just would not give. I finally got him to at least concede that he could never win. For me to have gotten him to actually concede defeat would have... been too destructive. It took a good half hour to win, but... yeah. Bruises, scrapes, scratches, sore, and tired, sure. None of us was unscathed. We hit it hard, and I fell a few times with 400 to 500 pounds of angry little men on top of me. Funny thing, to be honest, I am in better shape now in many ways than I was then. Yeah, for a dead guy, I'm doing alright.
You should have seen how trashed the three rooms we wrestled through were. We THOUGHT we had cleared them enough before hand. Nope! Epic, ba-by.
Ah, but the Lord knows I had more fun with that then I have in a long time. Plus, no heavy bleeding, no serious injuries, and 'teh boyz' knew, once and for all, without any doubt, who was 'teh king'. It never crossed their minds again. As well, I gave them some much needed respect for having put up and stood against who they considered a tyrant, even in the face of absolute defeat, maybe more for that. We had a better relationship after that. All good. I miss the lads.
Picking on boys you say? Not so fast. All of us were street fighters, adult fully, of some mean reputation, one of them was nearly my size, all of us were (for them little wise) blooded heavily. No, these weren't cherry cousins who had lived a privileged life, or "sport fighters", or mere athletes. And it WAS serious.
.
About a decade ago, pretty much in the same heart shape condition I am in now, I had a lot of contact with some of my cousins. When men interact there is always... a little tension. Essentially, men have to settle things. However, being that... I am a giant... and full blood warrior... none of them wanted to test those waters. But... it was getting... tense. So, being magnanimous as I am, wise, kind, and just, *evil grins*, I suggested that they team up, along with another friend, and we go to town in a wrestling match. Three healthy young males against a 35 year old (now we know weak-hearted man) in all out, do what it takes, wrestling. No real rules, save no punching. If family jewels came into play, I just said what comes around goes around, which... pretty much took them out of the debate. I pwned them as if they were little girls.
The one I really had to watch for, actually, and knew it, was my littlest cousin. Small, truly diminutive. At maybe 5'2", he was razorblade fast and devious as a viper. I kid you not. He had evil intent too, it's in the eyes. He was the one who would later attack me from behind for not liking something he said and bruising my ribs by tripping me into a counter. I blogged about it when it happened. The others? Meh. The first thing I did was put a hand clasp on the fast one as they approached. I didn't let him see it coming, and yet I am faster than him anyway. But in a group arena, my attention might otherwise have been distracted long enough for him to crawl up and put me in a choke hold, and I think that was his plan. At that time, the others could have... eliminated my ability to get him off and defend from them. It was pretty intense, no real rules, and they were... ready to put me down. They had had enough of my dominance.
Locked on, I was able to deal with the other two pretty quickly, getting one to surrender almost immediately, taking about five minutes. With him out, I decided to deal with the fast one. Without his speed and agility in play, he was cake. The final one just would not give. I finally got him to at least concede that he could never win. For me to have gotten him to actually concede defeat would have... been too destructive. It took a good half hour to win, but... yeah. Bruises, scrapes, scratches, sore, and tired, sure. None of us was unscathed. We hit it hard, and I fell a few times with 400 to 500 pounds of angry little men on top of me. Funny thing, to be honest, I am in better shape now in many ways than I was then. Yeah, for a dead guy, I'm doing alright.
You should have seen how trashed the three rooms we wrestled through were. We THOUGHT we had cleared them enough before hand. Nope! Epic, ba-by.
Ah, but the Lord knows I had more fun with that then I have in a long time. Plus, no heavy bleeding, no serious injuries, and 'teh boyz' knew, once and for all, without any doubt, who was 'teh king'. It never crossed their minds again. As well, I gave them some much needed respect for having put up and stood against who they considered a tyrant, even in the face of absolute defeat, maybe more for that. We had a better relationship after that. All good. I miss the lads.
Picking on boys you say? Not so fast. All of us were street fighters, adult fully, of some mean reputation, one of them was nearly my size, all of us were (for them little wise) blooded heavily. No, these weren't cherry cousins who had lived a privileged life, or "sport fighters", or mere athletes. And it WAS serious.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Hmm, days coming around?
.
.
I made it to a bit after 11:00. It's been a smooth ride. It rained last night for the first time that I am aware of it having rained in a very long time. That was good in a lot of ways. It is approaching bedtime, swiftly. The swelling in my ankles has dissipated on it's own, my headache seems to be gone, sleep should be grand.
I need to get my days shifted to try to get to Church. A few days in the pew on weekdays, when the crowds aren't deafening to my nearly hermit ears, blinding and too enervating for my other senses, should make a proper showing a little easier. But I have to be firmly daybound for a bit. Masses during the week are at 11:00 or noon, or such... I'll be checking that as I get closer. And I NEED confession. Which... makes the Eucharist... right(er). I have no serious sins, and Mass does deal with venial sins, even my collection. :p Still, I like to... give those out as I believe I should. God already knows and my priest, after some number of confessions probably has me pegged, but that isn't the issue. It is about facing sin. It ain't easy but it is wonderful. I'm getting there.
I was feeling some pains. At first it sort of concerned me. Then I thought, how long has it been since you have eaten, dork? Ah, oh, since Wednesday? Yep, since then. Ah, well, then, you should hurt! Duh. So, I need to get into town and get some stock of meats. I think a pan of hamburger, beans, cheese, and maybe even some veggies and tortillas would be good. Keep it as simple as possible. The only reason I am considering romaine lettuce is because I have an odd hankering for it. Tortillas are great, better than bread for this because you can just fix a "plate" of the good, and eat the "plate" too! Can't really taste the lettuce, so it might be a bio-hunger. Or my lady friend praying to the gaia for me to eat healthy, and God intercepting the prayer knowingly and lovingly, and agreeing? Dunno. Maybe tonight, and a burger and fries for being a good boy by getting to the store in the first place so I don't have to shop and cook on the same night? Yeah, maybe.
Shut up!
Good morning and good night.
.
I made it to a bit after 11:00. It's been a smooth ride. It rained last night for the first time that I am aware of it having rained in a very long time. That was good in a lot of ways. It is approaching bedtime, swiftly. The swelling in my ankles has dissipated on it's own, my headache seems to be gone, sleep should be grand.
I need to get my days shifted to try to get to Church. A few days in the pew on weekdays, when the crowds aren't deafening to my nearly hermit ears, blinding and too enervating for my other senses, should make a proper showing a little easier. But I have to be firmly daybound for a bit. Masses during the week are at 11:00 or noon, or such... I'll be checking that as I get closer. And I NEED confession. Which... makes the Eucharist... right(er). I have no serious sins, and Mass does deal with venial sins, even my collection. :p Still, I like to... give those out as I believe I should. God already knows and my priest, after some number of confessions probably has me pegged, but that isn't the issue. It is about facing sin. It ain't easy but it is wonderful. I'm getting there.
I was feeling some pains. At first it sort of concerned me. Then I thought, how long has it been since you have eaten, dork? Ah, oh, since Wednesday? Yep, since then. Ah, well, then, you should hurt! Duh. So, I need to get into town and get some stock of meats. I think a pan of hamburger, beans, cheese, and maybe even some veggies and tortillas would be good. Keep it as simple as possible. The only reason I am considering romaine lettuce is because I have an odd hankering for it. Tortillas are great, better than bread for this because you can just fix a "plate" of the good, and eat the "plate" too! Can't really taste the lettuce, so it might be a bio-hunger. Or my lady friend praying to the gaia for me to eat healthy, and God intercepting the prayer knowingly and lovingly, and agreeing? Dunno. Maybe tonight, and a burger and fries for being a good boy by getting to the store in the first place so I don't have to shop and cook on the same night? Yeah, maybe.
Shut up!
Good morning and good night.
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