Goose.

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I really didn't ask for it.  I made it quite clear that the gift was not quid quo pro.  I would like to hear how it was served, whether it was enjoyed, and such.  Even that wasn't truly a requirement.  More of a hope that sometime in social or business affairs I might hear back.  No more, no pressure.

Still, tonight I was gifted with a share.  The particular Mrs. who prepared the bird took exceptional diligence in the production.  Tropical and citric fruits were used in the first baking, which both rendered the fat and produced a fruit glaze.  At some point the bird and fruit were parted.  Then perhaps more baking, until the breasts were completed to the point they were to be finished for that sort of cooking.  The rest of the bird was allowed to be completed.  Then, with the fats, the various parts were seared.  With some of the fats and giblets, a gravy was produced.  Now, I am probably getting this and that detail incorrect.  I will simply say that this sort of cooking is... hrmm... rare these days.

As for the finished product?  I have eaten fine meals in my life.  This is as good as any I have enjoyed at the most expensive, and even expensive and legitimate restaurants I have been privy.  This is a meal to write, or at least call these days, home about.  My guess is most people haven't had such a dining experience in... many moons.  The rarity of the ingredients, the level of care in the production, the skill brought.  A gastronomic symphony.  Next year I'm going to have to see what she can do with a rib roast.  *grins*  She shouldn't have tempted me!  Though I don't think anything too bad will come of it.

Doing what I have done, so far, has pretty much wiped me out.  And yet I really want to attempt to get the trash out.  I really want to get that out.  Between tending that and the freezer, life might become a bit more pleasant.

Oh, one more scattering of gifts.  I have ordered ducks.  I know a few folk who I have small debts, as I see, regarding.  And one younger couple who, I suspect, are having to make due.  It's good to gift, so I shall, again.  Food, especially exotic foods if just to sample, but any good food, is a fine gift.  Or, I hope.  Maybe that is just me.  A few here, a few there, one there, and one for home.  I may make that for Christmas myself.  And perhaps potatoes and something green and vegetal, plus homemade cranberry sauce if I can find a recipe I think I can handle.  Oh, and I am hoping do the 12 days of Christmas a bit more reliably this year.  I... I like that.

Later.

Ah, that might be it.

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Remember the freezer?  The one I had to clean out?  Yeah?  Well...  I did clean it out.  Then I added strongly bleached water to the basin, cleaned that out, then put in a sweet solution... and forgot it.  Thankfully there was enough bleach so that when I opened the chest I didn't have rotten water to deal with.  However, I am wondering if that wasn't part of the problem, perhaps the whole problem, with my eye(s).  With weather going from cool to pretty much cold, frozen and in a holding pattern down there, the furnace has been on.  There is a vent near the freezer (reminder, shut that one off).  What that has done is excited the solution, very possibly pumping out chlorine molecules, or some mix.  And, what that has done, is escape the chest and infiltrate the cave.

So, yes, that may have been it.  I realized the potential a few days ago, but had to work my way up to working my way through that task.  I had dishes blocking up where I wanted to work, so that had to be dealt with.  Then I had to eat a bit to work up strength, alone with clearing the other area, oh and clearing the top of the freezer which had turned into a minor catch all as I had previously worked on some other areas.  Bleh.  In any case... done.  I have to struggle through, but, when things are just right or I can tolerate the wrong, I can do it.  This, actually, was a multi-pronged operation, and required both immediate and intermediate focus and resolve.  Seems simple.  I think even for the healthy that isn't always the case.  Add fifty pounds of loadstone around the average human's neck, and you begin to get closer.  If that doesn't end up slowing them down, double it.  Continue as needed.

At some point, people, for the most part, lay down.  They plan their movements with great care, as they can only move occasionally, and at great pain.  So it is with me, always.  And, being unable to look before I leap, for I cannot always see the goal from where I am, mistakes happen.  Add to that the idea that I can't always correct on the way.  Momentum is wonderful, until it's a bitch.  Much like gravity.  It does teach patience, and when even that fails more than not, it teaches humility.  If one is willing to learn.  I only chose those paths because God made it quite clear that I was not going to be allowed to simply die.  You know how parents can be?  When it's God, if He gets on about something, yeah...  No worries, I am finally on board with it.

All that just to clean the freezer?  Yes, and to potentially, probably, take care of my eyes.  They are clearing, in any case.  Perhaps most of the chlorine that was going to be turned to a form of aerosol has been turned, and then absorbed.  Or that was weakening.  I will know in a few days if this was the problem.  Oh, and I should have my freezer back in operation soon, as soon as it dries.  I cleaned the interior with soap and water, after removing the chlorinated sweetening water, inside and out.  Now it just needs to dry.

I've been doing bits and pieces of work, as much as I can, for four days now.  Not a lot every day, but something.  All of the work coordinated, with focus, intent, and aim.  Not a lot of work, but the focus makes it worthwhile, good.  And, I finished the full project and can move on from there.  Now to hit some of the other areas.  I think I can, for a while, perhaps a long while.  We will see.  Later.

Just deserts, cursed, what?

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That used to be how the questions went.  Always unsure.  Oh, certainly, deserved.  True of all.  The bible is rather clear about what we deserve if left to our own devices.  Truth is, now, that isn't the issue.  I've been offered salvation, and to my knowledge, accepted it.

How many dishes are there!

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Ah, right.  I finally got every dirty dish and bowl and spoon and fork and...  I was getting ahead enough that doing everything seemed reasonable.  I suppose, doing that late, as I was getting ready for bed, I forgot.  Still, I have all of my canning jars cleaned and ready for kefir.  The thing is, cool as it is, it's taking the grains a bit longer to build up.  Better to have the jars ready than have the kefir ready with no place to put it.  Actually, on that score, I am well ahead.  I still want to wash the kefir grains again.  I don't think they were all that bad, I am just making sure.  The actual kefir I had was pretty rough, you can tell easily by scent.  But the grains were okay.  As I said, just washing, cycling, and washing again in order to really make sure they are good.  If, when I finish, I have plenty, I may end up attempting to dehydrate a few small batches.  I have heard that is good for long term storage.  However, I would rather check that out on my own, and really find out how accurate that information is, and perhaps test shelf life in that state.

I am not working as quickly as I would like.  Working is working though.  Anything I do, more so if it keeps me ahead of the game, is good.  I'd sure like to figure out how to push through but it just isn't available.  It is getting rather cold, low 20's F.  That might be part of it.  Though it isn't close to all of it.  I'll keep at it.

You know, something I realized when looking into my eyes?  Many of the videos, if not all... you can tell what perspective I am suggesting by the color of the eyes, though height can play a part.  It really is, sometimes, in the eyes.  It almost disturbed me when I realized how that tracked.  I didn't choose this, didn't realize it, didn't actually know what color my eyes were until yesterday.  I guess I'm really, in spite of how it might seem, all that into myself.

I am gaming.  I don't think that is the problem.  I'm not gaming well.  And couldn't work more.  Actually, gaming, if I could push harder with it, might help more.  I believe it is helping as is.  Just not as much as it could.  Though it had been a limit to work too, just not lately much.  I am having a huge problem with one of the earlier bosses.  Two were beat fairly quickly, easily.  But this one...  Well, another partial load of dishes, then to gaming, perhaps putting on a pot of coffee of making a cup of it if there are remnants.  I'll keep at it as I may.

Work is happening.

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It isn't happening as fast as I had hoped.  Dishes are mostly done.  After reading, writing, and waking I should be able to finish the dishes, or half of what remains perhaps.  A bit here, a bit there.  It isn't just dishes.  Laundry today, and continued efforts as to making kefir.  I am washing the kefir grains, as they have sat for a while, then feeding them up, and washing them again, before growing them for kefir production again.  As well, I had to dump all the old stuff and wash out the containers.  Fine, fine.  Oh, when you wash kefir, it is best to use non-chlorinated water.  Thankfully my reverse osmosis system takes that out.

I am hoping to finish dishes, probably do all the laundry, change the cat litter out, then deal with trash... have it ready to go tomorrow.  A shower, maybe a shave, and simple grooming.  If I get those things finished, and there is a chance to get out, I would like to go to town.  Whether for a bit of shopping, which isn't in great demand at the moment, or just for a cheap and easy meal...  I'll save that choice until I am actually heading out.

Tired, a bit off, still kicking and trying.  It's what I've got.  Hmm... coffee.  Must have a cup or three of joe first.  Later.

Eyes.

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As I mentioned, my eyes seemed to be becoming bloodshot.  Starting with the left eye, then, I though, could have sworn, jumping to the right eye.  I have been watching.  Can't make an appointment until next week, or later.  I could, and did, watch.  If both eyes had become bloodshot, and I am almost sure they had, my right eye has cleared a great deal.  The left eye dithers, getting a bit better or worse from time to time.  I may have scratched it while trying to clear sleep from the eye a little too vigorously.  Or Sam or Sassy may have scratched it while trying to wake me.  Yes, Sam especially though Sassy if more rarely, will do nasty little things from time to time.  Although, in general, I believe things are improving.

While I have been looking at my eyes I have been trying to deduce something else.  My mother had suggested that my eyes were hazel(first and third are closest), of the green varietal, or even majority green(top two are closest in this set).  For whatever reason, while wearing glasses, they appear rather brown.  So, while checking health I have also been checking color.  And I have to say, whether it is a true green, though with variations of green, or a hazel, is quite a tricky question.  I have looked at night, in the day, with a flashlight, when I am more awake, or less, and I have to tell you... I think it depends.  Though I must admit, I suspect, at this point, that they are truly a mixed green.

I then attempted to see if there was a genetic proclivity for a race, region, or such.  Not so much, other than European, even if it is hazel, needs to be in both sides of the family.  Which would indicate that my birth mother told the truth, that we are of the Spanish lines, at least in part.  Funny thing is, my birth mother has quite brown eyes while my mother, the woman who adopted me, has eyes similar to mine.  I honestly think both myself and my brother, if in different ways, both adopted, share many features with our mother.  Placement, by appearances, couldn't have been better.  And, while I am the tallest, we all were tall for our given demographic.

You would know that it is the least understood of eye colors.  All good, fits my m.o.  Finally got around to it, if more by accident from incident.  Now I know.

Yeah? Maybe.

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Once upon a midnight weary.

Exciting.

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I haven't gotten to much.  I have eaten, made a pot of coffee earlier, started setting up a batch of kefir, thus started on dishes both out of necessity and beyond.

However, while sitting during a rest I began feeling an urgency, want, need, to begin cleaning, sorting, storing, and working.  It is like I can see a path through both my physical limits and the complexities involved.  Organization is a weakness of mine.  Sometimes I can travel through that without effort.  It's rare.  I may be seeing a path.  And, that path isn't two way.  There is a chance that I could begin organizing... everything.  It won't be fast.  I will have to keep up on new stuff.  Initially it will be weak, merely boxes with labels or written words.  Examples would be "Camera Stuff", "Computer Peripherals", etc.  Then those boxes will begin being stored in places.  I just feel that it might be possible.

I may not get to it immediately, or I might.  I might do it more or less quickly.  I will make mistakes.  I will be weeding things out as I go.  Charity boxes, toss boxes, and boxes for stuff that I am not sure about in a number of ways.  I see it.  It might happen.  One area in one room at a time, until that room is cleared.  Then, perhaps, even taking everything out and cleaning.  Then putting things back, things I want returned.  Or putting some things in other rooms, or taking them down, or... tossing/charity.

It's exciting because I haven't seen such paths, or had any notion that I could do much, in some time.  Since late spring.  No promises.  Could be a fool's gold thing.  I just don't think so.  The notion was too solid.  Now I am hungry for not just the end, but the process.

Oh, and another thought came to me.  I am thinking of calling my friend.  Having him ask if there are any photographers in the building.  Perhaps creating a photography group, maybe planning for an outing.  It would also get me out.  I can handle three to five, if they can walk.  Wheel chairs are doable, but the motor driven devices are too big for what I have.  Nothing fancy, for an outing.  Just a trip to a local park, then maybe a lunch somewhere after.  That, though, is just a thought.  Not only would I get out, I might well learn a thing or two on top of simple practice.  Not sure, just a thought, for now.

I'll finish off some of the dishes, the ones soaking now.  Then a shower.  Perhaps, afterward, a trip to town.  Or not.  Depending on how it seems outside.  I may, if I don't go to town, begin taking pictures of the cave.  Some pictures being more mundane, utilitarian, others attempts at artistic or unusual takes on the place and mess.  Taking before and after pictures.  Incentive?  Recording for when I might not be feeling able to believe it possible in the future.  Simply a photographic project with what I have and can do?  It's not like I am, even now, really ready for much of an outing.

Definitely a shower, if I can get through the dishes and such.  No pictures of that though!  That'd cost you a bundle (mostly your eye-sight, especially if I warmed to you and took them in 3-D).  *wink*  :p  Later.

Another day.

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I haven't been able to get to anything, really, for days.  I'm not feeling rough, bad, sick, down.  I simply am not able to push through.  Both eyes are now rather bloodshot.  Not sure what is going on with that.  I may see if there is anything to be done for that, or attempted, before including the doctor.  OTC eyedrops?  Am I not getting enough sleep?  I'll look around for ideas and notions.

Gaming, blogging, and reading what passes for news is about what I have to do.  Or more, what I am able to do.  I might pull out another roast.  That was okay.  Though, this time, I will cut the cooking time in an attempt at medium rare.  Tastier.  Not much else.  Oh, I forgot to make a call the other day.  I may go ahead and do that today.  If I remember in time, or tomorrow.  Soon, one way or another.  You have to know how that goes.

Hmm...  I'll try to finish the dishes today, then get a shower in.  I might even try to make it out.  Perhaps just to the post office, though maybe on to town for a quick hot meal.  Nothing fancy.  I best get to finishing waking up, get some coffee down, while beginning to figure other things out.  Later.

Notes and asides.

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The roast was slightly overdone, but nothing I couldn't live with.  I seared it heavily first.  The time seems about right for how I used to do chuck roasts.  Perhaps they have been shaving them down and down and I didn't look at the weight closely enough?  I'll alter the time next time, taking the weight into exact account.  Thyme, bay leaves, a touch of sage, garlic, and salted for an hour first to let all that work in.  Just meat, save some stuffed olives I recently laid up.  But that is how I like it.  I'll get four meals of it.

My eyes are red, both of them.  I'm hoping, somehow, that it's just strain.  I need to make an appointment with the doctor soon.  For the main reason, but perhaps for this too.  A few antibiotics, I am hoping, if it doesn't clear up by then on it's own.  I've never had such a thing.  Not sure why I would now.

I'm not really a holiday shopper.  Though this year, it seems, more than others, my email is full of offers.  Just out of curiosity I have purveyed some of the sales.  Nada.  Wow, if this is as good as the sales get, and as limited?  I see much better sales throughout the year.  I thought they were supposed to offer serious sales right out of the box on Black Friday.  Unless I am missing something many of their sales don't even look like sales, certainly not much of ones if so.  Some of them look like street versus msrp.  Some of them, I am absolutely sure, are not sales at all.  Thankfully I don't need anything.  Heaven forbid if anyone is waiting for great sales.  At least at the places I shop often enough to receive notifications.

The last haunt seems to be settling down.  I do think, to a degree, I am mollifying the affect.  She did, sort of, jump out of my past.  Fair enough.  Until I could identify what and why I had a slim chance of placating, managing.  I still get the sense that she doesn't understand, and would not really leave of her own accord.  Whether that is my mind not wishing to let go or truly a haunting doesn't really matter.  Both?  Knowing her name, and why such strong feelings are involved, plus some experience while I am now somewhat more capable of understanding, and having an interest in rightly putting the past to rest as I am becoming less of a ghost myself, in ways, has made this step easier.  I wish I knew more but with or without that, I am needing to let go.  I have suffered enough.

It looks cold out.  To be honest I am not sure it is any colder than it has been.  A smattering of snow on top of everything lends to the notion though.

Not much else for now.  Time to visit blogs, check the news*, maybe a few other things, and wake... or nap again.  Not sure I should be up yet.  Later.


*(though there aren't really good news sights... first Fox fell, then most online news sources have either become shrill "rightists" or fell in line with Fox)

Snow.

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A decent amount.  I can't really get a grip on how much, two inches?  Maybe four?  I just woke and the sun is out making it extremely bright.  My senses can't quite overcome both of those.  Plus, with the sun out, some has probably melted.  Oh, and someone(s) stopped by and shoveled!  Thank you.  I saw it start to come down last night, and thought to get out.  But without a clear notion of how much to expect, when it would stop, and all, I hadn't gotten to it.  Then again I might not have gotten to it should it have stopped, or today.  I am still a bit rough.

Thanksgiving?  That's what the calendar and various things are adding up to as a suggestion.  If, as I wake, I become more sure, I may post something about it.  And, yes, I am quite thankful.  More thankful than not by a wide margin.  What is troubling just offers me something to figure out, really.  Or to suffer.  A bit of suffering isn't a bad thing.  A lot of it has it's place.  Just deserts, an opportunity to grow, or a warning that something needs to be done differently or stopped, seen as these things and pain definitely has a place.  So, yes, thankful.  Even if I can't change the past I might be able to show others how not to do it.  Still, we will all make our own mistakes.  The better trained and prepared the greater the mistakes it seems.

Today?  I haven't a clue.  I do have a roast thawed, chuck roast.  That would make a fine small meal.  Milk, perhaps vegetables of some sort.  First though to wake.  Coffee and time.  I hope you have some mild or grand day for thanks.  I hope you see it and find it and share it.  If you can't, you will be in my prayers.  I will be thankful for you.  Oh, you don't have to understand.  Trust that I do and that it is enough, whether you can see it or not.  Be well and blessings.

The greatest of my ghosts.

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I finally have settled some of the idea of my friend.  A memorial, and as soon as I may, a visit to his grave.  Of course, I am not pleased that I was not able to be there, to see him, before he died.  I am in a place, in life, where I understand that I sometimes have grand limits.  Sometimes, even so, I am able to overcome those, sometimes not.  More, I think he understands, at least now.  Perhaps not while he lay dying.  Now most certainly he does know.

I'll keep at it.

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Whatever else, I keep missing meds.  This time just a day.  Not yesterday but the day before.  I got back on them yesterday.  This time I am suffering for it, but just a bit.  I'm not sure how to keep on top of things.  I do my best and suffer the consequences.

I need to wake, then take a shower.  I'd like to make a call and an appointment today, take a shower, and... maybe get back to work, if I can.  I am sort of loopy, either from missing medicine or getting back on it.  Bleh.  We'll see.

Oh well.  I will keep working at it.  I think until I get used to the dark it will be a little screwy no matter what I do.  Sometimes that has been taking weeks, sometimes the whole winter as I never get used to the dark.  And without an external demand to drive me through it, or the capacity to exact such a mechanism, it's all on me.  Most of you, trust me, if you didn't have to go out you wouldn't.  For a thousand and one reasons.

I do need to get to the store.  I am hungry, more so lately.  I suspect as I, mostly, get back on medicines and begin trying to dig out, my body begins demanding food.  I can go without feeding it, but that just puts me into a lower level of function.  Best to get food.  Not today, probably.  Sometime this week.  Later.

Yes, the ol' clock is running long again.

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At this point I honestly don't care if I am staying up late and sleeping long and late.  Trying to push too hard for a while, and at least being able to make it to the last time/date based thing, that was good.  Now I have nothing, in the immediate future, that is time/date required.  Oh, sure, I'd love to make it to church.  But... yeah.  Maybe not.  Making an exact time is rather harsh, at least for me.  So, for a bit, I will just enjoy doing what I can, when I can.  I might be able to get things twisted back around quickly.  If not, so be it.  I do wonder, though, if pushing has been what has kept me alive.  And yet I also know I can push on everything all of the time.  If I try to move my day around, that's fine.  But then I can't work, definitely not as hard.  If I push to do labor, I can't move my time around (though, I have found, if I push on work, my day will more easily switch to normal mode).

I reset the dishes.  I am hoping to hit a load of laundry or two.  I would like to hit the kitchen a bit.  Nothing fancy, just little things.  Well, and back to working on the computer.  Today, tomorrow, soon, I hope.

For fun I would like to begin tinkering with the camera.  I did play around with the new lens.  I was able to set up autofocus, at least on one aperture.  Sometimes I still need to manually focus a bit (though if my eyes are more correct than the camera is yet to be seen, if I am betting on my eyes... easy enough to figure out if I can get my laptop going with the processing software).  I could do the same, most likely, for several more apertures.  I have ten slots for various lenses/apertures per lens, should I wish.  And, if the lens proves out, it might be worth the minor effort.  It might be worth tinkering with simply to know.  Who knows, one of the other apertures might actually be better, provided clearer pictures.  Hmm... by the way I need to figure out the laptop.  For some reason it tried to connect to wi-fi, and then became password encoded.  I can't remember a password on it.  I know I turned wi-fi off.  So...  Before I can begin using lightroom, thus mess with RAW and begin postprocessing in any case, I have to figure my way into the laptop.  Bleh.

Still, a bit at a time, this and that when I can, and yet enjoying gaming so as not to do too much so that I end up crashing.

Oh, you know what's funny?  Even as bad as I get I can still, and fairly often, do a sudoku puzzle in 9 seconds.  I do that about once a week, though I even hit 12, 13, and 16 seconds even more often.  Usually, on the easiest, I hit ~28-32 seconds.  Just, on some days, and not even on the days I am feeling good, I hit a really fast time.  So odd.

Off to a bit of gaming as I wake.  Later.

Awake and pretty good.

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Not only have I figured out how to begin taking care of myself, and then doing so, there is more to it.  Sun yesterday and today has helped.  Medicines going in, and getting easily back on track.  Getting out.  Taking care of the pile of things that had been stovepiping other efforts, and even each other.  Too much down too small a delivery pipe and nothing was getting done.  And, yet, there is even more.

I did see Death sneaking up, approaching, nearing, call that action what you will.  I usually take that personally.  And, in this case, with health so fringe, it was fair to believe the toll was for me.  Oh, I suspected I would live through it.  As usual.  Eventually I won't, but that is a very long time off.  However, when Death approaches, if it is for me, it means pain.  I don't know if you have ever been kicked in the guts?  If you have, and see that coming and have no means of stopping it, you learn to curl into a ball.  It'll still hurt, just not as much, or in as important of ways.  So, probably reflexively by this time, I curled up hard.  You can't truly harden yourself, but you can protect vitals.  And that is what I did.  But the pain isn't always, or always just, physical.  When Death opens that door, some things on that side flood through, or attempt to visit, as well.  Not all of them are favored, friends, or allies.  Less so the ones who were once beloved, if I have any guilt about their hushed memories.  Or simply know them as friends, allies, or lovers but can't figure out where they once fit, how they died, or such.

As I am improving, after the memorial, while doing more, much of the feared pains have either passed or not materialized.  I am back to living, and some comfort of mind and body.  I'll keep at it, as I may.  I may not get to much.  It may be a serious struggle.  Yet, whatever, I am... enjoying life more freely again.  Still a bit crippled up.  But with no time dependent hoops to fail in the immediate future, I should do just fine getting some things done, in their sweet time as needs be.  Now to figure out where my friend is buried though...  A visit, in my time, will set that to as much rights as I am able.  Later.

Memorials are good things.

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I wasn't sure I would make it out.  Will, wish, want, even need, sometimes, are superseded by the way it must be.  If my body can't be pushed it won't go.  Plus, being ill makes it so tough things are tougher still.  Much as the notion of carrying 50 pounds isn't a cherished notion, but adding a broken arm or worse leg into the equation and...  Even then, sometimes, to survive, one does the deed even with the tough breaks the world deals.  This time I got my way, at least for this part of things.

There were a number of people who have died at the apartment.  Three.  None of whom had a proper funeral.  Money is what it is, and this, and that.  Kin are often just about as old, perhaps older, than those who have died.  There are many reasons why not.  And I don't begrudge, mostly.  But for those of us who aren't family...  So, rolling our own seems about what is left.  And it worked well, as I see things.  A number of us talked.  My friend who still is there couldn't speak.  I wasn't sure, but ended up speaking of him.  He has been my best friend longer than I have known many people.  We have advised each other, and ignored each other's advice, fought, and decided that wasn't a reason to not be friends.  He will be missed.  I keep thinking of him as alive though.  At the memorial, after a bit of various talking by some, I saw something on the bridge he haunted often, and I... just thought it was him.  Odd how that happened.

Yeah, I do feel much better.  I will figure out where he is buried, one way or another, and make it over to visit soon.  I'll invite those who might wish to go as well.  It was good to hear others speak of him.  I didn't really know the other folk who died, but was glad to know that they were being remembered as well.  Now I can deal with it.  I won't let him, like so many others, fade and disappear, until they became ghosts in the machine.  Though I am not sure, with my health issues, that I had much choice.  Though I suspect I truly tried to hide those people, some of them.  That's when trouble really starts.  You should bury the body, not the memory.

All good.  I do feel much better.  I am grateful they held the event, I thank God I made it, and I am pleased I was able to say a few words.  I pray that he is resting well.  He may have made some mistakes, but his guilt brought him around, and perhaps some other things.  I think he really turned around in time and... just chose better.  He was a great friend to have.  He will be missed.  He told me he had begun praying some time back.  And while I couldn't get him to go to church, I understand that.  So many people, and when so ill, tired, broke often, and more with his mobility problems...  I can pray for his soul and leave those things in God's hands.  And with some real hope.  I just need to visit his grave.

Nights and days are going a bit kittywampus with this and that.  But, fine.  I've done... better.  I made it, at least, to this.  I've gotten some of the backlog fixed.  I've started medicines again.  Yeah.  Whatever else, now I can just make it through life as it arrives, not worry about time, but begin digging back into things... as I may.  Good night.

Sunshine, finally.

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I can't say if it has been dark for a long time, or if it just seems that way.  Overcast, along with odd hours until recently, though very few hours of sunshine.  I think a number of things conspired to make the last few weeks seem perpetually dark, and quite dark, which added emphasis to magnification.  Seeing that the sun is out is good, if I am probably going to take a bit to get used to it again.  As I have suggested, I live a thousand years in each year it seems.  So two weeks seems like a lot longer of a time.  Twere the thousand year analogy a truth, a week would be twenty years.  It certainly can seem it.  Anyway, the sun is up and out.  And I will be out in it soon enough.

I am feeling better, but still a bit tired, just internally rough along the edges with slight crimps and cramps on a few internals.  All given though, I feel as good as I feel in knowing the sun is up.  It's a good day, or is heading that way.

While I am out, should that occur, I will do grocery shopping as well.  Fruits, perhaps greens of some sort, more deli meats, and of course milk and cream.  Oh, and some sort of bread.  I love the idea of the paleo diet, I just can't be an absolutist about it.  And some meats are so tied to the tradition of being eaten with some sort of bread that I just can't break out of that.  If someone else would do the shopping, or I figure out how to get a... wait, I may be doing so in the spring.  Access to lots of beef/meat.  Prefer beef, though hog is okay.  I am a meat eater.  The rest, mostly, is for decoration or texture.

Well... on with the day.  Don't worry y'all.  I simply don't, am not ready to, discuss much about much.  I do thank you for your thoughts.  I'll... get around to something before too long.  Thank you anywhile, on the sly.

Yeah, I'm around.

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I just haven't felt like talking.

Oh, I saw it coming.  Thus the gloom in some posts.  I did, in one post, wonder if what I saw coming, maybe two posts in particular, but then I realized for whom the bell tolled.  I am simply not that lucky.  I... think I have mentioned that before.  Then, when I realized, there was naught I could do.  I could not even get up and out and over.  I could change nothing, regarding his health or my function.  I am still only barely able to do much.  I had a backlog that had to be settled.  Still do, really.  If you think watching your own life slip from your grasp, helplessly, is bad... and I know that... watching the life of another slip away is a good deal worse.  More so when you can't even go see them.  Maybe God simply said no.  He has done that before.  Not that I didn't try.  And, yes, I suspected not only what was coming, but that my running through the sands of time would get me no closer.  So it was.

I have learned to eat disappointments.  I have learned to put up with humility.  I have learned to live the life of the fool, the clown.  No matter how potent or capable I have, can, or will be.  It, like life itself, is not always a choice, certainly not as I would have it.  Some burdens, perhaps, are beyond me though too.  Unlike many, I still attempt to bear them.  Like many, that just isn't there always.  Those who have no choice, and can, are the ones who pay.

I did get the geese delivered, the last three.  I don't even know if they...  Yes, I was thanked.  Perhaps my gifts were so much foolishness.  Who knows if folks even enjoy such birds.  I am not sure such a thing is a gift to give.  Oh, I was thanked.  But that is what people do who were raised in, or taught by, a polite society.  An odd gift, in one sense.  Well, it is done.  Returning home for the night, I was able to undo the mini-freezer/fridge.  If nothing else, the item will be good for flash hard freezing items, and a bit as backup.  More so if I arranged a minor solar setup.  Though, yeah... who knows about such kit.

I made it to town to have dinner with the other friend.  There was something going on regarding a memorial for our friend.  It is, mostly, arranged.  I have agreed to be there, and it is at a time where it is possible.  I am not familiar with this form of ad hoc event.  I am capable of going with whatever happens, as I am sure folks will do their level best.  It is good to see others moving ahead with that.  I would have but I don't know these things.  For some rare family, I have been to funerals or such.  Most of my dead have only seen my back.  Not in rejection, just I had to be somewhere else or there was nothing I could do... no time, no way, other commitments, or it was simply too much.  No disrespect meant, just... it's how I lived and survived.  Lean, always moving, buried in...  No, I would not have thought of such a thing, not as a group.  Though I still plan a visit.  Late, but a change.  If also in my strange time.

So, I did what I could.  I am getting slightly better.  I still have a backload to arrange and tend.  And yet, finally, I am digging my way out.

Oh, and I have had so many question whether I am dying.  I am presuming it was because of the gloom of some of my posts.  As explained above, the bell tolled, but for him, not me.  Yes, I saw it, inexorably, moving in my direction.  And, again, not for me... or just enough for me to smack me away from it's intended prey.  Not the first time.  No, folks, I am not dying.  Neither, honestly, do I wish to talk too much about it.  Not quite yet.  Thought I would be good, with all that foreknowledge.  I was wrong.  I've let readers and some principles know.  But... yeah...  too fresh to dig into it.  Maybe the memorial will help though maybe not.  Don't worry, don't...  I'll be back at it in a bit.

Hopefully I can keep digging and pushing.  I can't change what happened, how, or my part of that story.  I can, when I can, do what I can... until I can't.  Later.

Cold dark mornings.

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Not brutally cold, and the sky is beginning to lighten, if it is cloudy on top of all else so just won't really get bright.  It's a trifecta of gloom.

Someone recently suggested that, perhaps, me falling off my medicine was a passive, or even active, attempt at suicide.  Well, no.  It hurts too damned much, the fall is too frustrating, and getting back on the stuff hurts.  The pains in the various stages can be from brutal to annoying.  But they always exist.  Not just this type, or that.  Muscles in the neck and shoulders always go through harshness.  My organs flip and flop like fish out of water.  Further, this never kills me!  No, if I want suicide, I know how to do it without an ounce of hurt, or even if I want it to hurt, I know... well... actually I don't know.  Back when I thought my problem was all in my head, and knowing the head can't actually be fixed, I tried stuff that was 100% guaranteed to kill me.  It didn't.  I do know things that are supposed to work.  I also know I don't control life or death.

My organs have been doing minor flips and flops, but it hasn't been too terrible.  It's different, but along the lines of waking a limb after it has been cut off from blood too long.  This is as mild of such a situation as it gets though.  I am already through the neck and shoulder pains and headaches.  I am doing better.  Just adding in the cold and dark and it gets a bit rough.  All good, considering.  A few more days to a week and I might be... hmm... better.  Perhaps I can begin hitting more daily, or not.  Perhaps soon on that, or not.

My friend has died.  I knew it was going to happen.  Especially if they didn't treat him.  I was not able to get up to see him.  I felt so trapped.  Ghosts have no arms or legs to gnaw off to get going.  Just couldn't get up and ready and out.  They aren't having a formal funeral for him, just a graveside affair.  His sister will keep me informed.  I'll visit as soon as I can.  While this doesn't help, it is actually pushing me to attempt to get out, to visit his grave as soon as possible.  Life was difficult for him, so in that, I don't begrudge him rest.  I just pray he is in a better place, and ask those of you who might think on such things as wise to also pray for the relief of his soul.

I need to get on with my day.  Later.

A debate about civilians, French or any other really.

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Some are suggesting that French civilians should have know how to coordinate themselves defensively, then offensively.  Someone suggested that, at the theater for example, people in the upper floor could have thrown items such as chair, down onto the muslims, distracting them so that the people on the same level could have attacked.  It sounds wonderful.  In truth, given what people are, have usually been, and will be, it simply doesn't work.

People are easily rounded into two groups right off, men as one group, women, children, and the elderly in another group.  One group has some chance at rushing and attacking, the other group has some very weak opportunity at that and capacity for it.  Almost any group of people is going to be at least an half, perhaps two-thirds, of the weaker group.  More, of the men, only a very small percentage have ever faced even a fist-fight.  Those who have faced more might well be burned out, or simply disinterested.  Why would a warrior sacrifice himself, again, for groups of people who have relinquished their right and ability at reliable easy self defense?  Especially knowing that many of those people despise him for what he is, what he has done, and even if he saved them they might well spit on him.

It isn't complicated.  Most people cannot defend themselves and many more wouldn't.  That is exactly why we are in the difficulty we are in.  Me?  In a large arena, I would simply find another way out.  I wouldn't call for others to go with me, or attack if I was mandated by the state to be disarmed (which I am).  I would leave those who can't or won't choose life to their fate.  I have done everything in my life to change the odds and yet the people seem to want to be hunted and murdered, by their state or actors of the state such as immigrants, criminals, or such.

I can't help those who won't help themselves.  God suggested quite the same.  While, in time, the lion will lie with the lamb, it will be up to the lion.  And I doubt if he will lie with them if they choose to be herded to slaughter.  I know this lion won't.  I can be with them, safe from me.  But I won't be with them if they choose to remain a food item.  And I certainly won't go with them, blindly, into that blood-soaked submission.  I don't blame the true sheep.  They are what they are.  But if I can't be armed, I cannot defend.  We will go our own ways until we can be together, one way or the other.