No surprise.

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Awake well past midnight for the first time in...  Hmm, in a way, probably not that long.  But the last time I was awake past midnight it was not a stopping time, more like lunch.  It feels like a hangover.  I did, sort of, push yesterday.  All good.  No complaints, and it might snap back tonight.  Though if I want that to happen I need to push things earlier.

There are three, maybe four, things I must do today.  To my mind.  Okay, five.  I would like to kick out the dishes and tend the laundry.  I have two coats in the dryer, and one load of cottons to go through.  Hmm, might have a load of synthetics and wool too.  I may not be able to finish all the laundry.  But if I can push the cottons through I can hit the other things tomorrow.  Then another shower, maybe a bath if I can do it in a timely manner.  Then to at least confession, and then shopping this afternoon and evening.  I would like to consider Mass, but... that's a lot of people, I'm not sure I have anything proper to wear, I am not sure I am ready.

Speaking with the deacon, it seems if I am running late, there is still a place I may go without interfering with an on-going Mass.  There is no guarantee I could make even that, but it is an option and possibility.  It is open, pretty much, at the same time mass is open, if I heard that right.  While I would be alone, it is a place for prayer.  It might help me learn timing.  Or at least allow me something.  There were a few other things we discussed.  I do need to find out when again.  I think it's noon, and two or three days of the week.  I've been down for six months, was sprinting so fast to do things for the six months before that, but without direction... in a scattered manner.

Well, that's the plan.  I woke later, if I really only slept six to seven hours.  Yeah, I hope it snaps back to early to bed, early to rise.  Later.

I was remembering.

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Before Burning Man, long before, I entertained the company of another sort of clowns.  We were all looking for... something.  I think it was the truth.  Too many of those cheated though.  Drugs, dead sex, personal strengths of various sorts.  Oh, I had my own ways.  We actually came together, as it turns out, to see who was using what and to what level of success.  Invitation only.  I never, to be honest, understood why I was included.  Especially since I didn't do drugs.  Ah, right, and that is the point.  I realized, in a bit of a memory trance, why I really was included.  It was because my mind and body was going places and doing things they could only go and do on drugs.

Never can be sure.

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I didn't get on to the dishes.  I did one load of laundry through.  It's in the dryer.  I had hoped to push another load through but that simply, obviously, didn't work.  So I wore a different coat.  No bath and shower, but I did get a extra long shower in, extra hot, scrubbed thrice not the usual twice, and better even so.  I always fear that I will smell funny when going out into public.  And, perhaps I do.  People don't like telling mostly dead people that we stink.

I braided my hair.  I suppose I could have skipped that, but my hair is in one of those in between stages where it isn't one thing or another.  Braiding is as good as I could think to do.  It might not look that much better, but it is more kempt.  I simply haven't been getting out, or been able to schedule events.  I was quite lucky to have been able to push through.  I simply didn't want to miss both events.  Didn't want to miss the other.  But I am just into staying up into early evening, and wasn't able to stay up late enough that day.  Next month, I hope.

It was good to see some of the men and their wives.  I know some of them really don't like me.  That's the way it goes.  I'm not too worried about that.  I can only do what I can do, even if I talk a mean game.  And, yeah, that isn't enough for some.  Well, and I certainly have my flaws.  And, of course, there is just... bad chemistry, I suppose.  I don't worry too much about that.  I don't even really share it back.  If I am in the wrong on something they have an obligation to correct.  I don't mind.  Of course I'd naturally resist.  But if they show me it's wrong and call me on it, and they are right, I would eventually accept, apologize perhaps, seek more.  Though I don't know what any actual problem is for another.  I can't bridge that.

Still, it was good.  I don't know what is what, exactly.  But there were many I was pleased to see.  And it was good to be out.  Like the sick kid, who gets to go out to recess when he is better.  Hmm, and it might be a beginning to get me back to church, even once in a while.  I need reconciliation, maybe tomorrow.  I have been trying to get the process down, but, if I can make it, I might just... run and gun and do the best I can.  If, as I suggest, I can make it.  I don't know about staying for mass.  Even the middling crowd of this evening was a bit much.  It's been six months of no recess, mind you.  I'm not used to people, even when they are somewhat familiar.  Weekday Masses are probably the way to start.  Though, who knows.  If, if, if.  I'll add this to my prayer request.  It's pretty much all I ask for, save one other prayer.

I did stop to shop on the way back home.  I missed a bunch of things.  If I can get out tomorrow, I'll try to finish the list... if I can remember what I forgot.  Yeah, late.  Good night.

Much better.

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I couldn't get a nap in.  There isn't time now.  I will probably have to push pretty hard to make it to dinner.  I think I can, as things are going.  A load of laundry is going.  I emptied the dishes from their soak so as to get a bath in, which as I realize now will have to wait until the laundry is finished... perhaps forty five minutes from now.  A bath, actually.  Then I will put another load of wash through, set the dishes to a final soak, and perhaps get them dried and put up.  If so, I may take a shower before going to dinner.  Why?  Well, because.  A shower every few days is okay.  Some days it's good to get clean then cleaner.

The sun is out.  That isn't hurting.  A bit bright for my eyes, but I can see it around the shades.  Enough gets in for my meager needs, or even capacity to handle sometimes.  I am enjoying it greatly.  Amazing how much so little, even winter, sun, through the cracks in the shades, can do for me.

Yes, dishes, laundry, grooming, an outing, shopping.  I am taking it slow, doing a bit at a time, maintaining a rhythmic flow, not pushing too hard or fast.  And, yet, today, I may end up doing several days worth of work.  Hopefully it will be a lead into more.  I do love to work.  And the cave needs it.

Anyway... I best check things, see were they are and when I can do what.  I wrote most of this, then became distracted.   Actually, it was something slightly different.  I remembered a friend asking if I had gotten on board with this.  I keep meaning to do so, but... SQUIRREL!  Never mind.  Later.

It's an ugly tough day.

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My body is sore, tired, uncooperative.  I feel the need for more sleep.  There is no good reason for it.  Nothing new.  I have been doing well, if rather inactive, so today comes as a bit of a surprise.

I am about to take a nap.  I set it up to take a bath when I wake.  Then I'll hit the dishes and laundry, but that will be about it for here at home.  A shower later, then dinner in town.  I missed one group event, I don't plan on missing another.  After that, on the way home, if I can push through, I hope to do a spot of grocery shopping.  Milk, juice, butter, cream, maybe some meat... perhaps a few other items.

Hmm, perhaps I'll down a few anacin when I go in to sleep.  Sleep along with painkillers tend to work best.  At least with this neck, shoulder, head, muscle and bone ache type stuff that is.  The pain is mild.  But being so very tired the pain is enhanced.  A bit of sun is sort of coming through, perhaps that will help... if it stays out.

Definitely nap time.  I'll set the alarm for noon and hope to make it up before then.  Later.

Dreams beget dreams which beget questions.

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The prince's masks and reasons for them.

Questions are what this site is about.  Answers are sought.  Answers are there own, however, and not always to be shared or known.  The search for answers, and perhaps the sharing of questions, is all that I can promise.

After discussing dreams, then exploring them with music, the glass overflowed.  Not half full, this glass, full and more and more.  So many ways thoughts of dreams could go.  Sometimes I am the artist, and craft from what is provided or available.  Sometimes I am the medium.  In this case, I suspect I was merely the medium.

How did I get to where I went in life?  A look at that life, before health failed.  And, still, a place I go even now.

Very good.

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It's been over a week since I have been back on medicine.  I missed on evening, but that is par for the course.  I have, probably, at the very best, gone without missing medication for two or three weeks.  That is rare.  One missed dose, usually night medicine, a week or two is typical.  I am not sure if that is what is helping, or if I am simply becoming used to the cold and dark of winter.  Hmm, but I do know I am attempting to use it.  Eating a few eggs for breakfast, eating other meals when possible, drinking more fluid, more regularly, of greater variety... planning for outings or events, trying to focus on hobbies, planning house work.  Even if I am not quite, or yet, getting to it, just keeping these things on the front burners in my mind will see to success more surely.

Dishes and laundry today.  Perhaps a trip to town.  And, if I can, I might test the second lens again to see if it really isn't working correctly, so whether to return it or not.  I hope to keep it, but if the zoom is bound I simply have to return it.  I did order some things for my mother last night.  Now I need to figure out one more gift this year.  I thought about this and that, but I think something simpler is in order.  I consider more interesting gifts for them, but they... have such a complex means of getting anything to them...  I don't, can't, do complicated.  I am often just on this side of awake, or even alive.

I do feel good.  I feel more rested, if fully waking is difficult when the sun simply doesn't shine for days on end.  No worries, that is winter and that is pretty much everybody.  Join the club, I hear spoken in the background.  Yeah, thanks, Joker, I shoot back.  All good.

I do hope to hit some things and get out.  Oh, and maybe continue on a short story for an anthology.  Anthology?  I think so.  I don't know if I can do it, and if I do it if it would be included.  Still... it would be interested to be printed.  I might even go on to other work if it pans out.  No, no real money in it.  That isn't always the point.  I'll have to stick with my day/night job.  And yet... it would be fun to see where that might go or take me.  It would force me to clean up my ideas, edit, and continue to think.  Another hobby.  Later.

Pushing.

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I can't seem to work.  Fine, I'll push my schedule.  It is so dark and gloomy.  Getting through the day is tough.  I may try a nap tomorrow.  I have made it well into early, even mid evening.  The hope is that by later in the week I will be able to not only be awake, but get out for an event.  Goals, hopes, aims, added to a bit of effort sometimes gets me where I need to be.  I am brutally tired though.

I may attempt to get to town tomorrow.  I want to find out where the meeting will be.  As well I wish to do grocery shopping.  I am so tired that I keep adding visiting my friend in.  That can't happen anymore.  There are things I mean to remember to tell him, and I feel guilt for not visiting, then I remember.  Yes, tired.  Though I have always had an odd relationship to remembering that someone is dead.  I would like to find out where his grave is, and perhaps visit that next week.  It will help to settle my mind, cement the notion perhaps.  Or... not.  I will feel better about it all, though, if I can get there.

Books.  Beside one I am reading, another in that sort of queue, I have ordered a few I used to have, or at least books I have portionally read.  Bits and pieces here and there.  The Book of Legends, Zohar, and the book of Enoch.  There are specific topics I am looking to find, though general stories as well.  Mostly Jewish, I believe.  I knew, as I child and young teen, I had read many sorts of books along these lines as well.  I can't recall which ones in particular.  These are books, I suspect, which have leads back to the Old Testament, or parts of it.  However, the language work done for Midrash is beyond what translated bibles would allow.  Though elements will be there, just not... the linguistic style, exact set, or exactness.  Why?  Oh... just a few things have been bugging me.  If these books don't have a clue to some thoughts, there are others I may seek.  Entertaining if nothing else.

Well, it's been good in that I have stayed up a bit longer, on my own.  Another hour later into the evening tomorrow would be good.  Good night.

Gosh... so bizarre.

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Just life.  I have been awake since 4:30~5:00.  I still haven't turned the furnace up, or fed the girls.  Though this room is cool no matter, so turning the furnace up is more for the girls and when I go in to game or watch something, as it allows me to warm up.  I have, mostly, been right here on the machine.  Reading, writing, thinking, listening.  The strange thing is, it seemed like it must be afternoon by now, for some reason.  Looking at the clock to see it is only 9:30, and my mind spilled a little wind from it's sails.  Something about being so off, or lost, in the day.

I suppose I could make eggs, watch one of the series, or two, and warm in the other room.  That might allow me to make sense of things.  Or not.  Cold, little sun, even with the furnace going life just isn't going to make solid sense in the cold and dark, not in my condition.

I had meant to get out to a KoC meeting last night, but I wasn't able.  It started just shortly before I crashed completely.  Though I knew before the crash that I was losing my ability to stay awake.  I am, just from Sunday, staying up into the early evening again.  There is another event coming up.  I can hope to make it then.  It is a bit earlier, and I have half a week to prep for it.  All one can do it try, learn from failure and success, and reset for the next opportunity.  Or quit, if that's your way.

Well... on to something else.  Later.

Not just since ill.

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Dreams.  Many sorts.  Enjoy as you may.

How many dream tomorrows?

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I do.  Sometime the easy, simple.  Sometimes it happens.  Sometimes not so easy to know, or see.  Sometimes seeming all dark.  Not all happens, or yet.

Last night I rehashed a dream from before, about a small darkness.  It wasn't so much of a reoccurrence.  It was an investigation of the first time I dreamed the events.  They didn't make sense to me the first time.  I couldn't remember how things had actually happened.  I didn't even know if some of the things I dreamed actually existed.  I have since found that that places in my dream are real.  I was so tired, in the dream, and after, that I couldn't make sense of the geometry overlaying the scene.  Last night I worked through the events to see how the actions would occur, at least according to that dream.  Now I know, if I am beginning to wonder if that line of potential is finished.  I don't like to say that.  I actually can't say that with any certainty.

I hope it doesn't happen.  I believe, because of this and that, what lead to the accident has been mitigated.  For now.  I don't know if seeing and writing has altered that potential future.  I sure hope so.  It is never good to see real people die, and for silly reasons that really don't pan out when held up to the light.  A little more speed doesn't really matter over such a short distance.  I am not sure why I dreamed about it.  Oddly, I always feel guilty when I see and even if I say someone gets hurt or killed.  I don't really have any power to do anything.  It just seems that if I see it, perhaps I made it.  Not true, probably.  I don't feel guilty about the apocalypse I see on the horizon though, neither the little or big one.  Those are collective choices, the only thing collectivism assures.  That is up to men, completely... at least the timing.

A bit early, 4:30 or so when I woke.  Good enough.  I have the alarm set for 8:00, to feed the girls.  I will, after a bit, have a cup of coffee or two.  With the dishes in a final soapy soak, I will hit those after all that, then put a load of laundry in.  I have a meeting this evening, and then an event this Friday.  I need to get clothes and such cleaned and be ready.  I am feeling a bit odd this morning.  Just a little bloat and upset in the middle.  Nothing that anyone else doesn't have from time to time for no good reason.  Life, keep up or get out of the way, whether it's trying to hold you down or God speed you to your destiny?  Yeah.  All good.  Later.

Some, not all.

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The dishes were hit.  That allowed me to get in and shower before setting them back for another soak.  Then a trip to town.  I took care of some of what was needed, not all.  I could not make it to the grocery store.  Soon, I hope.  Bits, pieces, I will keep trying.  So very tired.  Oh, and no photography.  I was sad about that.  Some of the places I was at offered extremely wonderful vantages, and the weather, terrain, and partial snow cover provided would, to my eye, could only be considered astounding potential.  Whether any shot would have turned out or whether my eye is any good?  The only way to every find out is to take some snappies and print them.  I didn't have the energy though, I just didn't.

I'll keep at it.  Perhaps, with such short windows of sunlight, and being overcast even less, I just can't quite push on through.  Not fully.  What I am doing is, given what I have to work with, not bad.  It just isn't great, or even good.  It is simply not bad.  And... better than it has been.  I'll keep at it.

I am truly hoping to set up my hammock in the back yard, set up the tarp, and begin figuring out winter camping.  If I can do that, I might work at some other things.  Camping just slightly off the trail, not too far up, somewhere.  Little things.  I am not sure how well winter photography works.  Too cold and there would be trouble.  Heating things too quickly, say near a fire or in some other similar way and there would be trouble too.  And wet just doesn't work for electronics.  No, just camping, if I can get to it.  The gear I have is okay, though not really up to par for serious cold.  I would need an under baffle and perhaps a surround wrap, plus what I have.  Though to what temp what I have would work is another thing.  Actually, I think the mummy water wrap for my .mil sleeping system might actually do really well for a wrap.  All I really need is a baffle under the hammock to hold more heat/insulate generally.  As my system is, I can probably take a typical night down to 0 F, without wind.  Wind would be a show-stopper.  And, if we get another snow before long, it would be fun to traipse about with the snowshoes.  With enough snow.  Well, that is sort of the plan.

Later.

Portrait photography.

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I have an interesting in taking pictures of people as well as landscapes.  There might be other interests, but for now, those are my focus.  And yet there is a great deal of range in there.  I doubt if you could cover every type of each, even in a long career as a professional.  You might do all types of work, but you just won't perfect each are.  Between natural talent and interest limits, personal preferences, and the simple eye to work in various formats.  Oh, I suppose, there might be a genius out there who really does have it all down.

I really have been interested in black and white.  So, when one of the guru's of youtube suggested to start with black and white, the learning assignment was not a terrible burden.  Long ago I saw the potential for black and white, and dug into what could be done with it.  Both with the camera, using certain lenses, and in post process.  In many ways, I am a strong believer in man.  Not in self-salvation, but in them being the only things worth saving.  The rest, while valuable and precious, is merely here to see men through to their fate, and salvation or otherwise.  Here is a video example of what can be done in post processing.  Now, you could do this to people before hand, if they had make-up skills or you had a make-up artist on set.  But that just doesn't work for most people, even pro photographers always.  So, there is Lightroom and some other programs.

Days and nights ordered.

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Staying up later yesterday was murder.  And I forced myself to stay in bed through the night.  Neither always works, both are necessary, and some luck is involved.  While not quite scientific, the scientific is more engineering and art, if they become practical.  Even then outcomes, for my efforts or scientific are questionable.  Believe whatever you wish, just don't hold your breath about it.

It is good today.  Perhaps some very minor aches and pains.  Maybe a little bit of fog on the noggin.  These things are of such minor natures as to be almost tickles.  A shower, after a bit.  In to town later this morning or early afternoon.  A spot of business and social call, perhaps another social call, a meal in there somewhere, and a shopping stop.  Oh, and I may take my camera and some kit in, visit a park, and take some snappy snaps.  If a folk or three would allow me to photograph them, I would like to start working on post process edumacation.  I have seen amazing things that can be done in post process.  I have been hungering to play in there.  It's a bit daunting, keeping track of the original, knowing which copy is what...  Though with RAW files, so I am told, the original will remain stowed away safely and processes can be removed from any touched digital print at any time.  Still... only in time will trust about that be had.  As I mentioned, I will be taking pictures in black in white.  Though, from what I have read and heard to this point, if taken in RAW, black and white is merely a presentation.  The RAW file itself will still have color, it just needs to be brought out in post process, though perhaps even on the camera.

No dreams lately.  Pushing days and nights either enhances dreaming or shuts it down.  The latter this time.  Medicine is back on track.  I think the little discomfort I have is due to medicine bounces.  Now if I can just keep up with it I should see my way through.  Bleh.  Oh, I do try children.  Hmm... on to a bit of coffee and waking, then perhaps a load of dishes and a shower.  And then to gather laundry for when I return.  Don't want to put a load in, not knowing how long I will be and with the great potential of forgetting it in the washer.  All good.  Later.

Not all, enough.

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It seems silly to be pleased with getting just a bit done.  Silly it is, if needs be.  I did get one of the ducks delivered.  I found out that one of the ducks I had hoped to deliver just wouldn't make sense.  All good, I'll find a home for several more ducks, then keep the remainder for my meals.  A duck is a lot of food for one.  though, just as with a turkey for a regular family, a duck can be split out and parsed over time for a single.  I need to find a recipe for orange, or mixed fruit, glaze.  However, if research doesn't go forth or pan out I can do my usual.  That is quite favorable, and I know that already.  At least to my tastes.

I was asked to join the couple in an ice cream social.  Just a small affair, but quite entertaining.  The Mrs, it turns out, is preparing to be a mother.  Delicate.  Quite a thing.  A change in life that is more profound than I can put in words.  I suppose you have to have been there.  All good news.  A good deal of talking.  I hope I didn't batter their ears to bleeding.  Hmm, though I sometimes say to much.  I know my story well enough that I think little of it.  I forget how... dark it must seem.  And that was just the party scene I discussed.  Never mind.

It is pleasing to see another generation, even if just here, now, choosing to repay their ancestors with the blood debt of life.  Hmm... yeah, probably too dark.  Thankfully I didn't discus that.  Still, here, you are in my mind.  Yes, I will be attempting to do the same before too long.  I might be delusional about any prospect.  Though who knows.  Time, as discussed earlier, does tell all.  And men brave to make, or even attempt to make, a future, a truth, a reality.  Or they don't.  I choose to weather the doubt.  Suffering success or failure all the same.  So it was, is, and will be.  Amen.

Then on to town, for a quick fast food bite.  Some of which I shared with the girls.  Not too much.  While I love to share, I do consider their health.  They really aren't geared to eat cooked meats and certainly not vegetables, fruits, or grains.  Raw meat does my ladies well.  Still, they just want a little of what I eat so as to know they are valued.  And so they do, from time to time.

Ah, one other thing.  We were discussing chickens.  It seems they lost a mess of them recently.  Bird flu or some such.  So they will be buying a new batch for next year.  The Mrs, especially, after hearing my interest and trepidation decided to talk me into buying some when they order more this spring.  Gah!  Women!  Yeah, they do have a way about them, innit?  So, this spring, I will be getting a small clutch.  Clutch?  Just layers, for now.  If it works, and I end up with a small group and a rooster (or two), I may, if it all works out, give a go at putting some fryers in the queue then freezer.  We will see.  Yes, I really do want eggs, and I really do want fryers.  One thing at a time, but this is one thing, and on queue.  Oh yes, fresh eggs are a treasure.  I best begin figuring out my hen house.  Electrical supply, water and feed, bedding and cleanliness.  Yeah... we will see.  Me and my big mouth!  And yet, blessedly... me and my big mouth.  *grins*

Later.

Something.

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Not much.  A call.  An attempt to arrange a visit tomorrow while I do other business.  Another call shortly.  Ducks, even frozen ones, may fly yet.  As well, perhaps an outing in order to procure an easy lunch.  I finished the last of the roast beef sometime in the late night or early morning.  Sliced on a diagonal, topped with jalapeno jack, and heated just right.  Hmm, and, if it all works out, and I do leave the cave, perhaps I'll bring the bins back and take out what little trash there is.  Yes, keep up on that.  A must.

I have been doing pretty good with medicine, and getting better.  I still miss from time to time, and more than I should like.  Going back on it can be smooth or smooth as broken glass and slum whiskey as a cocktail.  I have been taking really good care of the girls.  When all else fails, they get what I have, little as that may be.  Now that I have their litter cleared, the one thing I can stumble regarding, I have been keeping it up.

Yeah, I'll try to make at least one delivery.  And then a trip to town.  When I return, perhaps laundry, maybe a hit on the dishes I have soaking and a rinse or reset on a soapy soak if they are still rough.  Maybe.  Not sure what I can actually do.  I just know I'd like to push my day back into the day.  Time tells what all else can't... the truth of things.  Later.

Great minds think, and act, alike?

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Oh, I might suggest it to be true.  Whether it makes them laugh or cry, the truth is what sets them free.  I'll be gentle on you for this moment.  Belief isn't necessary so long as the reaction proves the point.  Love me some pudding.  You?  *wink*

Oh, showers can be divine.

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They do say cleanliness is next to Godliness, if I think that is a stretch.  No, not quite divine.  Though, within the secular realm I suppose it could be true.  All I know is that a shower was wonderful.

I woke at some point with a massive nose bleed.  I caught it just in time to stop it up and go back to sleep.  As well, a massive headache.  My pillow was off, in spite of it being exactly as it has been for weeks at least.  Huh?  Don't ask.  I honestly cannot understand why things change like that.  Physiology is analog rather than digital, I guess.  Things change.

I am in pretty rough general shape.  Other than the headache, it isn't a painful situation.  It is simply not very productive.  I don't have more than a load of laundry, so I may try to get that going and through tonight.  Dishes are mostly done as well.  With the shower kicked out, I may hit them again.  The cave, in general, however, is... rough.  I don't know when I can get back to that.  Men are not housekeepers.  Ask any judge!

I am heading toward function.  It is just very hit or miss.  For all I know this is as good as it will get for a while.  The cold and lack of sun sort of do what they do.  It's not that I am picky, it's that my body is.  And I keep slipping on medicine.  I do my best but that isn't always all that good.  I'll just keep at things.

I am hoping to pull some of the RAW files over to the laptop, especially of the girls, and work them into something I might attempt uploading and displaying.  I may, in time, create a web page just for photography.  I'll let some of you know where, if I do such.  But it won't be directly linked.  Most folk can't handle this page.  Heck, I can't always deal with it.  It won't be a pro-page, just a photographic tinkerer's forum, or symposium, or... something.  Presentation?  Yeah.  Working on what I do with photos in post process, what kit I use and how I use it, exploring light and shadow, defining iso, shutter speed, and aperture uses.  Mostly just saying what I am doing and thinking while inviting others to comment or advise, or just watch and learn.  My next project, other than two I have ongoing photographically, will be black and white photography in order to explore shadow and contrast a bit.  Not as artsy as it seems, more just a realization that I am... black and white blind?  I need to learn shadow and contrast.  More dumb learning than haute photographe.  

On to waking.  Coffee, probably a new pot, more of the series I am watching, perhaps a few eggs in a bit.  Later.

The ducks arrived.

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Oh, I know.  I wanted one, for Christmas... give or take, and to pass a few around.  It's just a unique sort of food, something many people have never tried.  And, tis the season, innit?

I had planned to just do my usual, score the skin and use sauerkraut stuffing.  It turns out well, if fairly... hmm... savory.  I must admit, after trying the goose done that way I am more inclined to try something a bit more like that.  Now, there is no way I can do that much.  I can, however, do something partial.  Maybe.  I'm thinking an initial fruit stuffing, then replacing that with sauerkraut.  Yeah, it's still a lot of work, but no where close to the goose deal.  After the fruit has been cooked, then blendered, then use it as a baste.  The skin of the duck should be well browned by then.  Just a thought.

I was fearful about the ducks showing up when I was asleep.  I couldn't find the email that offered a link to a delivery company.  Sometimes, often, it has been below freezing out there.  But not today.  I was sure glad to see it had finally arrived, and that the birds hadn't thawed a bit.  Oh, and with the big freezer clear, cleaned, cleaned a couple more times, dried, and back in action... all good.  I hope to begin getting those out at the first of the month.  One prize per season, so I'll be sending these out to other folk.  Some in gratitude one way, some in another way.  Though mostly just glad to have neighbors who haven't decided to stone me or chase me off... so far.

My days have twisted around, so that I am up until early afternoon.  I have something Monday, and dinner tomorrow, and I need to get the garbage bins back in.  I actually haven't created trash, mostly, this week.  Less than a bag.  And, with it being freezing out there, no need to push getting nearly empty bins to the curbs.  So... probably no trash this week.  Still, I ought to get the bins back.  Tacky.  :p  Later, or good night.

Well?

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I am still in a bit of a bind.  I am feeling good.  I am sleeping well.  Medicine is back to clockwork and all up to dose.  It just doesn't seem to matter as to function.  I cannot seem to do... almost anything.  I'll keep at it, get to it when I can, keep looking for opportunity.  I am so off that I am very comfortably numb.  That, actually, makes function very difficult.  It is analogous to freezing to death.  At some point the world just seems too far away.  The pain isn't as bad as the effort to come back to the world.  No, not dying, just... resting.  Medicine might, eventually help me through.  I might be able to wake enough before long.  Or it might not be until spring.

I have been able to do a few minor things.  I was able, through tinkering and research, to bring my laptop back into play.  I had the wi-fi turned off.  Looks like someone had turned it on.  Further, they had done some partial update for win 8.1.  Not good.  Now my machine is begging for win 10.  Even with wi-fi off and updates not allowed, this device proactively tried to install that crap.  Thankfully I have a "picture" of the harddrive pre-attack.  I believe I will be able to take it all back.  I also believe I had the lightroom installed on the 'image'.  But that does indicate how desperate and brutal microsoft has become.  No one wants their stuff.  They think they are a god, and demand, beg, plead, cheat, and steal to gain our love.  That's not how it works.  The reason the old gods* fell out of favor was because the provided nothing but psychotically thieving, lying, cheating, and horrible advocates whose only love and favor was for themselves and their own.  Much like bureaucracies of today.  So, it seems you can't even say no, not really.  The hacker IS your OS provider.

Still, I have the machine back to where I can get on and edit pictures.  The password whoever installed when updating and whatever else they did is now gone.  I didn't do that part.  And, yes, I had a solid, as good as it gets, security suite installed.  Those, most likely, are beholding to microsoft.  To even work with the OS they have to let m.s. do whatever it wants, right through their security.  Much as .gov can force that allowance.

I have a number of photos I wish to work with.  Christmas lights from last year, Sam, the house, and perhaps shortly, Sassy.  I got some neat ones of Sam.  She's okay with photos being taken, however, she wants to mark thus own my camera.  Not going to happen.  And yet, it lends to some potential for some cool photos.  I think they turned out ok, but I really need to import them and view them larger.  She is a willful girl, and I may have captured some of that.

I have what gear I have, for a while.  I have too many expenses coming in to even think about another lens, especially a pricey one, for quite some time.  I have a few other, potential, expenses coming up that... while sat... will also really have to see a change in my purchase practices of late.  All good.  No problems.  It works.  If it works.  If not, it doesn't.  Still, I can keep studying, practicing (thankfully no film or developing costs), and doing other research.  I really do hope to learn to take pictures well enough to be considered a limited professional.  I need something to bright up the place.  And... I need incentives to get out.  When I can get back to that.  I live in the perfect local, even state.  If you are into natural landscapes, even some cityscapes, wildlife, and many various terrains, this is the place to be.  Rivers, lakes, mountains, deserts, white-water to flat, and things no other state truly has in such abundance.  The wildlife exists because many of those places are not suitable for human habitat or other human needs.

Here is an example of the videos I am reviewing.  Now, I don't just eat it, like candy.  I experiment and test.  In this one, for example, I don't completely agree.  I do like spot metering.  There are caveats.  For moving objects, sports, and some other such, yeah, I get why spot won't work, or as well.  Though it may be possible.  I am not, at the moment, quite sure how good the photographer would need to be.  Much like hunting a duck with a rifle versus a shotgun?  Maybe.  Depends a bit on which choke, what powder, what weight, and ball size, on the one side.  Still, I do understand what he is talking about enough to experiment.  Though I really need to get some other things down more exactly, such as how to set the various options in the various modes, when exactly to use specific modes, and such.  I understand that, for example, if I want a specific depth of field, and will have to be compensating on the fly for all of the variables, aperture priority mode used to set and forget while I muss with the shutter speed and iso can make a shoot much easier for a timed singular event.  If I can go back until I get the shot, then tinkering might be better.  Each mode, method, and variable can be tied off or free-handed.  But knowing when, how, why... and just knowing of mind is not enough.  It has to become natural.  You just know.  Much like driving.  When it is a bit icy, you know to stop further ahead.  And, to be honest, that takes a lot of near or actual mistakes, years of getting one's emotions in hand and gaining focus.  So it is with photography.  Better one shot at a time, but without any guarantee.  Such is life itself.