A final attempt.

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Called my mother, in a last bid to check on her.  She picked up.  We had a short call, not too clear, or well communicated.  I can tell she is tired, and a bit distracted by the tube.  As well, I am a wasteland.  Still, we relayed concerns and hopes, from tin ear to misunderstanding, but it... was something.  If nothing else, we could hear each other.  Sometimes that is all we get.

Still rough.  Wiped out fairly badly.  The lungs burn, any energy usage, at this point, gets to me quickly.  While eating popcorn, my jaws became so exhausted that I could barely finish.  I don't have much energy to throw about, and I don't recover well.  It may be a few days before I can do much again.  With the trash out, that is okay.  I may have to find a stool, or take a chair over, to work on the boxes.  I want them started, sooner than late.

I did get in another dose of insulin, with a half a cup of milk.  Then waited two hours.  Blood sugar is still screaming hot.  I'll use more with my final meal.  If I can stay up a few more hours, I will test again.  If I don't have much hope for that.  Still, going to make the effort... but two more hours?

I did speak about some things, for reasons.  Clarified?  I don't know.  From my side, I have done what I may.  There are things I want, and need, done.  Definitely, at the moment, I can't do much.  For this, that.  I think it is fair, but perhaps the deal isn't sweet enough, or perhaps it is asking too much.  Time will tell.

Exhausted into the dirt.  Still, given the givens, much was done, and I helped with what was possible for me to do.  The next warm spell, if it arrives, should see the fence posts in, and leveled.  Though, too, maybe the roof on the moved hutch, shorn, and reset with hinges instead... so as to easily get in there, and the creation of a divider.  As well, moving the gents out to the outbuilding, and once they are acclimated, visits from the does to their places.  Gotta try to get the girls and boys doing what they do... as rabbits are supposed to do.

I didn't get the waterers.  I am hoping to do that tomorrow.  Ah, I'm done.  Painfully so.  Goodnight.

Well... still chugging a long, if only by doing as little as possible.

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Feeling a bit better.  Numbers show some of why.  BP is 124/85 with a pulse of 77.  My body still isn't used to that level, and there is almost no depth for the accelerator.  If I do even mild work, to include just standing, for a few minutes, I become winded.  And, yes, even making tea or putting on a boot... takes time.

I had a bowl of popcorn several hours ago.  Forgot to dose.  Blood sugar is extremely high again.  As bp meds work, something, at least initially, goes bad with blood sugar.  It seems that is not a linear regression.  Thankfully not exponential, but it does increase by a lot in any case.  I'll keep working it.  Popcorn, for me, if occasional, doesn't usually cause much of a spike.  Typical is 20 points.  The butter helps, I think.  And limiting consumption, to a degree.

Still pretty exhausted from the bit of the things done.  But improving.  I am staying up, a while longer into the day, for several reasons.  Trying to call my mother.  Maybe she only wants to talk when it is convenient... when she isn't doing anything else.  I called this morning, to no use.  As well, I am expecting a visitor.  Should have asked how later in the afternoon he would be by.  But, I want to try to push back into days, so... don't mind.  If I can stay awake.  Plus, we... need to talk.  Changes or alterations, good or ill, coming down to choices... some immediately, some longer term.

I may have a small bite, and dose with that.  Not sure what sounds good, or what I can do.  I should be able to sort something out.  Not hungry, just want something with the insulin.  Then again, at it's level, perhaps without food would be good.  A bit of tea would be nice though too.  Oh, strangely, I am nearly unable to drink.  Normally, with blood sugar this high, I would have cravings for drinks beyond your ken.  I am guessing my blood sugar is a problem dealing with bp... because of that.  I've had this before, as bp comes down, when restarting medicine.

Oh, and I did change when I take the second to newest pill.  I switched that one to the morning dose.  Maybe, just maybe, switching some of the up will help.  I can only change two types, as one of them is taken morning and night.  I just think the older new pill will be less troublesome, so taking it earlier in the day might help.  As well, not taking all of the actual heart meds, together, may help.  I'll keep scrambling to get it done, but as safely as I can.

Brutal.  Terrible.  In lots of pain.  Still, I suppose, in the death zone.  Should, probably, be dead.  All good.  Later.

Absolutely blasted...

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.

But, with some help, I got everything planned, and more done.

I couldn't do most of it.  I could help, with some of it.  In the end, I am sitting here, trying to breath.  I'll trade that for what was done, even if it kills me.

The hutch was moved, and the crossbars for the clothes line were pulled.  As well, the rabbit poop was removed, from the old places the cages had been.  I kept gagging for air, but tried to keep up.  Then I started in on trash and recycling.  Can't promise it was out on time, either of them, did my best.  I couldn't get the last bag out, or the barrel... but I did get the recycling out, and the barrel, and the last of the load.  Finally, not surrounded by water bottles.  It's a start.

Now I have been given marching orders.  Boxes, broken down, soon... within this week.  As well, stuff to go to the dump.  After first I wasn't sure, then I remembered that I have a ton of boxes, ready to go, upstairs.  When I get the boxes broken down, I can bring as many of those down and have them ready to go as possible.  Actually, I will probably get those behind and under the broken down boxes, so that we can use those for fill.  The trick is, I have a bunch of boxes of water in the way.  Those are heavy, and I am choking for air, even when just... well... I can go to the bathroom, now, sort of okay.  Though after all that, it'll take a while to recharge.

BP is very low, again, even with the lowered dose, at 98/74 with a pule of 94.  Blood sugar is just not coming down, even with a pretty large dose of insulin, and eating keto, at 319.  Blood oxygen is okay, at 98%, If I breath more carefully when testing...  If I am trying to breath more strongly even when not testing.  In the nose, out the mouth, strong, regular, healthy.

But, shoot, that totally wore me down to near death.  I think it drags bp down.  Perhaps, between getting used to medicine, and pushing through a few times, it will improve.  If not I will make adjustments.  The problems, in the past, is I would lose conscious awareness.  For whatever reason, this time, if after some time, I am surfacing to conscious awareness, and able to act on it.  If it is fairly dangerous, there might be a way through.  Later.

A bit of a start.

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Recycling out.  There is another bag of it to go out, but if I miss getting that out I have the majority going out.  Chores done as well.  Plus, I brought an extra pale of water in, so as to catch up on waterers... hopefully yet sometime today.  If not, tonight.  

One of the bucks died.  It wasn't starvation.  I kept hoping to get them separated, but I couldn't do it and help wasn't available.  Still, because of that, I should be able to get the bucks out there.  And get those girls in.  Then begin breeding.  I have lost both bucks I really wanted, furwise.  Oh well.

I am hoping to get trash out, and that last bag of recycling.  But the bit of work is absolute pounding me into the dirt.  Tired, weak, some lung issues, wearing out very quickly.  I'll do what I can.  At least I have gotten some things done.  Amazing, almost.  It's been a while.  Even if it still hurts like heck.

Later.

Forgot medicine.

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Not too late, mind you.  With days and nights messed around, it is a bit confusing.  Especially in my current states.  Still, medicine was finally taken.  While I did what I normally do, I see another possible problem.  I am taking all the possible difficult medicines at once.  Beside cutting the one pill in half, which I did tonight, I may begin taking that one in the morning, since it has done well.  As well, I may go back to taking night pills in the morning, so I don't go to bed with waterpills.  Though, lately, now that I am more properly hydrated.  Still, I prefer to take the waterpill when I am going to be awake for a while, not as I am going to sleep.  The last few nights, in any case, I have only been voiding about four to six ounces.  I am hoping, if I begin to take the water pill in "morning", my morning, that I won't have to pee at night at all.

I was able to stand, to brush and gargle.  Actually, I did it fairly well.  I am hoping to hit chores, shortly.  Then redo waterers.  If possible, not long after that, I hope to get trash out, or most of what... what of it possible.  Perhaps recycling too, if it's that time of the month.

I am still a bit sore.  Achy.  Though I never did take the painkiller either.  I'll get that.  I kept forgetting to get water.  Which is also why medicine wasn't taken.  A shower is a wonderful thing.  Oh, and I finally went looking for, and found, my phone.  It was completely dead.  Charging, now.  Four calls and a text.  Too early to return those, but... nearing the time.

I am in better shape to do a few things, maybe.  Might be able to do one group, or both.  Not sure.  And, if so, and up a bit later, perhaps another shower and getting dishes and laundry going.  No promises.  But those are the goals, in that order.  If I can't do it before, I am hoping to get it started when the alarm goes off in just under two hours from now.

Later.

Ah, very good.

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I got a meal going.  Nothing fancy.  A swiss and ham sandwich, with and extra slice of cheese.  Didn't want to waste a sandwich, in case chewing my meal was too difficult.  Literally hurt to eat last night.  Muscles burned, were weak, rough.  Then a couple of ounces of keto fruit, as keto as it gets.  Then more cracklin's, with hot sauce drizzled over.

You probably wouldn't eat this for flavor.  But... I'm not eating for flavor, mostly.  Actually, for most meals, I am aiming for slightly tasty, mostly bland.  At least until I learn my cues regarding being physically full.  Well, and a meal or two a week, if I can do a bit better, I would like to make something exceptional... when I can cook again.  Though, even if I get to knowing satiation, I will try to dress down most meals.  A trick, but a good one.

My one failure, currently, with food, is that I make a set amount and eat it all.  While that sounds right, finishing the plate as mother wished, it really isn't.  At least while learning satiation.  The trick, in this case, is to have more than you should eat, and learn when to cut it off.  The subtleties and vagaries of regaining control of food are tricky.  Then again, I am pretty sure, from previous meals, that what I ate is typically where I would stop.  An extra sandwich always seems too much.  And, while a few bites from an extra sandwich might be wanted, they aren't needed.  If that just happened to be the way it turned out... because of a fear of an exhausted jaw while eating.

Tea, as well, was quite good.  Plus, no sweeteners or else.  I am continuing to sip on that.  My great thirst has been slain, I think.  I'll still drink three to four quarts.  But in the mid 60s, at altitude, more fluid is good.  I am trying to learn when I am thirsty, along with learning about my hunger.  Both frequency and volume are being sorted.  As well, I am trying to go more to sipping than chugging.

A shower, finally.

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Brutal though.  I had to lean into the wall.  I had to use my bones, and muscle, to balance my weight.  I thought I was better.  And I am.  But I must have been in even much worse shape than I thought.  I am panting from the effort.  A longer shower, but that shouldn't even require energy, it doesn't when I am in normal conditions.  I may have to get one of those shower stools.  That was dangerous.

I did end up taking a very long shower.  Scrubbing, massaging, warming, and soaking, for a good long time.  Longer than typical showers by at least twice.  Oh, but so very clean, top to bottom.  My legs are so very normal!  When beginning to correct, getting fluid out was the first step.  My legs were so bloated, and had been for so long.  They have been regular for a week or two, at least, now.  The skin is still a bit wonky, in texture, from having been so blown out for so long.  But each time I wash, or check, they are better, normalizing... going from leather back to human-like skin.

I had hoped to get something to eat right after showering.  That wasn't possible.  I was just able to stumble to my chair, take a seat, an begin writing.  If even writing is pushing it.  When I can catch my breath I will put some food together, and insulin.  Hmm, may get a tea going though.  Darjeeling.  I had thought it considered both green and black, but I keep hearing that it really isn't green tea.  I have, or will, order some actual green tea.  Still, it does, for now.  I used to drink gunpowder tea, but some of it just has a bad reaction, and isn't favored.  I'll probably have to try some number of teas to find out.  Hmm, there is a local tea house, could stop in and taste test several, until I find one they have on hand that I like.

Ah... as to low bp, and medicine?  I may have overdosed, in confusion.  Even so, I am going to cut the meds, just in case.  If, in another week, it goes a bit too high, I may dose a bit higher.  If, as mentioned, only by portions.  That low of a bp really wiped me out.  I won't risk that low again.  Oh, and I will call my doctor, to let him know.  I'll be seeing him this month, but... when something good or bad happens, I will, when able, try to keep him in the loop.

Quite a trek back to even better numbers, but definitely to good health.  I am not there yet, but I am no longer on death's door.  Mostly.  Probably.  I may have done damage, severe, irreparable, if I think not.  But I am very far down, and needing drastic recovery, at the least.  When I hear about saints who have gone through terrible health, I honestly wonder how many of them were being harmed by those around them.  Many in the church hate the truth, God, saintly things.  That has always been a truth, at points, especially around those who see.  Whether from jealousy, or simple hatred of the holy and divine.  Many who go to church would kill Christ to keep what they have.  What more would they do to the simple seeing, faithful?  Whether from disbelief, anger at the truth, or jealousy one way or another.  Some would do anything for sight, visions, such.  The funny thing is, I'd give it to them, if I could be rid of it... for those types.  I don't want to see.

On to some tea.  And to see if I can stand long enough to make a quick sandwich and perhaps hot sauced cracklins.  Later. 

The best waking in months.

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Not the easiest.  Getting out of bed was an absolute struggle.  And it isn't painless, just a much smoother grouping of hurts.  No pounding, no ripping, no tearing, just a gentle background hum in just a few areas.  I stopped taking the painkillers, fearing they might become a problem on their own, days... a week? ago.  I had cut down before then.  If it was going to hurt that bad, painkillers weren't really helping anyway.  However, given improvements, and hope of getting to things today, I will take one.  I will then put one in with the medicine, for every third day.  Hopefully to be put back in the medicineset, not being used.  After some time, I may go back to use as needed, which is rare.  I forget, often, even when in grave pain, to use it.  I know, but...

Daily readings, without medicine or food, and fasting...  Sp02 is 90, bp is 104/82 pulse is 99 and blood sugar is 396.  BP is great, if pulse sort of sucks.  And blood sugar is... okay... given the givens.  After the last blood read, I really wanted to eat, and dose, but couldn't.  I was going down in flames too fast.  Still, from out of reading range to 396 in a day is... good.  It is responding.

It must have been right at 22:00 when I woke.  I did a few things, first, including feeding the girls.  It's a rough day, still, but I think I can improve things, quickly, with insulin, food, medicine, and giving that a bit of time.  I am definitely going to cut the medicine I had pushed to 10 mg, actually 20 if that turned out to be a mistake, down to five.  If that doesn't help without pushing bp too low, then I will put it back to 10 and drop the new medicine.  It is a bit small to quarter it.  Though it depends on how the numbers go.  If it is just a bit too low, I may have to try quartering it.

I don't think I am going to die, now.  Probably.  I am still in rough shape, but not only better, I am out of my own personal death zone.  But you always carry a bit of that with you.  Every time you are in the zone, little bits of you are lost, if  too... bits of something... parts of yourself from that zone?  Something comes back with you.  It isn't fairy tales.  I am sure some will say, like with near-death (as they call it) experiences, these perceptions are not real, or true.  Say what you will, some of undeath came back with me.  Not sure if it makes me less, or more, prone to death for it.  If I think it... adds a bit of life protection.  That would be my guess.  Then again, when it is time, nothing will stop it.  If I am not sure, for some, that the time of death is quite so... fixed.  Some can choose to live, right through what would kill others.  Choose?  Maybe, or partly.  Or there is a more of a choice aspect.  I have given this choice to God.  I live or die at His will.

I really want a shower, before anything else.  Then food, insulin, and medicine.  Oh, and brushing teeth, and my heavy treatment, for a while.  I haven't been able to clean and tend my flesh for... a very long time.  All of those writings, of wanting to shower?  Unfulfilled.  Unable.  Today, and, hopefully, tomorrow.  Scrubbed to the next layer of skin, heated and soaked through a anything dead or too dry to save.

Good morning, day, and into the night.  Oh... a gift, first.  Should be simple enough for even your sensibilities?  Still, if it isn't, do not watch.  No one is making you.

Right.

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BP and pulse are the same, mostly.  Each up by one, to 87/67 with a pulse of 92.  Okay, pulse was down one.  Brutal, the feeling, for the moment.  Blood sugar dropped very well, after about three hours.  It is at 214, with is a 315 point drop.  It is as good as I can get things.  I ate salt, and had half a liter of carbonated water.  They said salt might help, with the bp.  It hasn't.

I think it is time to crash.  I still hurt, terribly.  I am weak in the muscles and bones.  Terribly faulting, hurting, and troubled.  Maybe some sleep will help. I have water up there as well, and may well need it.  I will cut one of the medicines when next I am up, assuming I get to wake up.  Ugh.  Goodnight.

So very strange.

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I took... a lot of insulin.  I was afraid.  And, yet, so be it.

I waited two hours, thirty minutes.  And that, actually, after I had eating.  I tested, again.  Blood sugar dropped a bit, or a lot... to a readable number... of 529, bp is now 86/66 with pulse at 93.  SpO2 is 98, if I have been breathing through my nose to keep up.

It's the bp.  I haven't seen a bp that low since the last two times I was in shock... once from ripping my hand open with the slide on a pistol too small for my hand, and once from nearly dicing the inside flap of my index finger while trying to open a padlock package.

It hurts to do anything.  I am worried about blacking out.  I will have to speak with my doctor sooner than anticipated.  I am in a bit of trouble.  I may cut one of the medicines in half... the second to newest, down to five from 10 mg per day.  No promise, but it is something.  The newest medicine is too small for me to adjust, and would be difficult going forward.

Good, at least I know what the problem is.  That will kill me if I am not careful.  I am surprised it hasn't.  On the good side, it sure looks like we might be able to sort this high blood pressure out, and on less than I am currently on, of this or that.  I can actually lower one of three different medicines.  The newest is the one I fear the most, though the two before it hadn't been keeping bp low enough on their own.  So... we will see.

I was so tired, that after the read, and getting another (solidly keto) meal together, as I tore into it I couldn't finish it.  Had nothing to do with hunger.  My jaws were become too exhausted to finish.  I was just eating cheese and deli meat sandwiches, pork skins with hot sauce, and a few four ounce containers of fruit.  I doubt if I can eat the last sandwich even now.  Even the fruit was difficult to finish.  Crazy.

Further, my arms, legs, and midsection are absolutely burning, and hurting.  I am hoping to staying up another three hours, then do a blood sugar read, and maybe do a bit before going to bed.  Assuming I don't fall out of my chair, or crawl my way to bed.  No sureties.  I can't believe I am so absolutely exhausted, wrung out, sore, and just dying here.  Can barely keep my eyes open.

Later, or good night.

That might be it.

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Or, the last of the problems.  With medicine down, bp is 118/87 at a pulse of 81.  Good enough.  Not sure if it is exactly where the doc wants it, but it is far better than 150/110, and far better than 225/180.  Choices, choices.  That is 17 days on meds, including two new ones.  It may be too much, or something else could be wrong.

Ah, blood sugar.  I haven't tested that in a very long time.  And I have been eating terribly for a few weeks.  The last two days, mostly, I have been keto.  Cold turkey, minus a huge wrong turn, then back.  My tester was being non-specific, if quite genial?  "Hi".  Hi... back?  Oh, right.  No, that means it was above good numbers, by a lot.  My last few machines were 'genial' when my blood sugar was above 600 to 650.  I think my last one read to 650 at least.  Not a good number.

Anyway, so, yeah.  Though, to be honest, blood sugar, even that high, usually isn't a problem, it doesn't have symptoms.  However, this time I am pretty sure it does have symptoms.  So, insulin.  Of both types.  I need to be careful.  When I stop eating carbs, in a hurry, sometimes my blood sugar remains extremely high.  But with one to four more potent doses, I can crash so hard and fast, a coma or death is possible.

So... while I have hit it hard and heavy, I will be checking.  I will continue to dose in the stratosphere, in hopes of bringing it down quickly.  But I will test frequently, even if nothing seems to be happening.  I have set the alarm for two and an half hours, and will check then.  If it's still high, and it probably will be, I will dose it between medium and high (probably).  When it starts being in the 180 range, or crashing, then I'll slow this and that, and perhaps eat carbs if absolutely necessary.  

So, yeah, it could be diabetes.  If so, between regular medicine, bp, pulse, and blood sugars, then being careful with what I eat and drink, I may be able to improve quickly.  I really hope so.  I am so tired of being so very tired, and hurting everywhere.  I... just... lost track.  I do what I honestly can, I just can't always do it all.  On the good side, if I can get things back on track, I can get in for a blood test a bit before my upcoming doctor visit.  Too bad I can visit for a blood test, but not go in to see the doctor.  It's no longer just the mask, it's also the jab.  I get the feeling they would try a hard sale, and maybe threats of various sorts, if I go it.  I wonder if he has a hundred grand riding on the number of people he can "vax".  I doubt if he would care, even if he knows it's bad.  He can get a fake one, and this might help him get some properties sold off for his kids or grandkids... or a Switzerland skiing trip, or pay off the nurse he bungled... and the kid.  He... is a businessman, before a medical practitioner, probably.  They all seem to be these days.  Sell their mothers for a few dollars more.

Anyway...  It wouldn't be a bad deal, to at least get blood tested.  Later.

Slow going.

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Still, food is being heated.  Assuming any of it is any good.  Will know shortly.  Though there are other options if that fails.  I will eat, hopefully enough to get the machine working.  I also have three or four chores plotted out.  I think I can get to two of them, soon.  Will see.

Still a bit rough, but no more than when I woke,  Actually, a step or two better in a few if not all areas.  And the other areas haven't worsened, so it's a better go of things, for now.  BP was 123/96, with a pulse of 82.  Not bad, if not perfect.  Definitely going in the right direction.  Still a bit winded, but not prohibitively.  If I move slowly, and not for long, I can... do a bit.  So far, just going to the bathroom without winding myself, then getting food to warming.  But doing two things at once is... a... better go than possible, without winding myself pretty awfully in the last week?  Mostly.

Hmm, tea was so good yesterday.  It's warmth, without too much... of whatever.  Fatted coffee seemed too much, lately.  This is a nice, clear, tasty, warming drink.  No sweeteners, no dairy.  Sometimes, recently, both of those have been too heavy.  Oh, I ought to pull some chicken bone broth out.  Of course, that means clearing the freezer top.  I'll... see if I can get to that.

Oh, and while I am at it, I am trying to get some things in stock.  Keto things.  I... haven't really looked up pure keto storage items.  In part for fear of costs, in part because I doubted how much is really available, and... because... I pout... sometimes, about some things, for good, bad, and/or no reasons!  Cheers.

Still, I finally asked the question and found a solution.  I was... actually impressed with what I actually do have on hand!  I have a third, to half, of those items on hand.  Some for more extended use, some for more short term use.  So... I went shopping.  I don't think I can afford it all.  But I can get some of it this month, and next month, and the month after, and become fairly well set.  I am hoping, by the New Year, to be set enough for, say, six months, perhaps just on this, if need be?  Two months, for sure, maybe a year.  Excellent advice.

Better, again.

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Not perfect.  Not even close.  Better, just better.  As I was the other day.

I do wonder if I had filled with too much water.  I slowed drinking, a bit.  I didn't increase the water pill, but seem to be draining well.  Still tired, not quite exhausted, not burning in my cells.  I will try to eat, and drink more tea than fatted coffees, while drinking moderate water amounts.  

Kidneys are tender, but I've had much worse, most of the time, recently.  A bit achy, still.  But not nearly as bad as most of recent times.  I am still tired, on a cellular level, but not burning.  Lungs aren't burning.  Everything is a bit crickety, but just on this side of not terrible.  Not the best, not quite bad, just... rough.

I am hoping to get a few very small things done.  Not sure I dare even hope for a few moderate things.  I haven't even been able to play games.  No concentration.  Still, just a few things, and I will be very happy.  That, and food.  I need to keep up on food.  Nothing fancy.  Though more than I have been eating, if possible.  I am not even sure I care if it is bad food.  The good food, mostly, seemed bad.  I am becoming worries about what they are selling at the stores.  The quality of meats has deteriorated beyond safety.  If meats can't be frozen for up to a month, they probably aren't good to start with.  Is it automation, with zero oversight?  Is it a lack of workers, in any case?  Or is it an attack on the American people, through bureaucracy?  Of the three packs I thawed, from recent purchases, two for sure are bad.  I've never had this much trouble getting fresh, to within safety, meats.

Still, I have stuff, around.  Sardines have proven out.  Though volume is limited on those, and frequency.  Once or twice a week.  I have other canned meats, which are good, if not all that tolerable.  I haven't figured out how to eat very much of those.  Vienna dogs, or such, canned mixed meats... just aren't good on about anything but bread.  I keep looking for recipes.  Not really finding any.  Plus, those little plugs are rather expensive.  They used to be half, or less.  I guess people are realizing fresh meat is often rotten, or too close to it to be edible?  I haven't seen much difference between stores.  The world is going a bit bad, and is being allowed to do so.

I'll do what I can.  Later.

So very difficult.

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My body simply hurts.  Twisting, turning, drinking, eating, fasting.  I'm trying many things, nothing seems to work.  Medicine is ongoing.  Everything I can think to do is being done... within my powers.  Imagine being a candle, and having the oxygen slowly being eaten.  Eventually the flame will die.  I just don't know when, or how.  Not sure what is wrong.

As mentioned, the cells of my body seem to be burning, as if seeking oxygen.  If you have ever played sports, you know that feeling.  Only, I am not exercising.  I can barely stand much of the time.  Oddly, with fasting and mostly keto, my vision has improved.  As has thinking.  I did try a few candy bars, to see if... even if not good in the long run, if they might helps something else.  Nope.  No difference, in any way, that I can tell.

Generally, though, I have been eating keto.  My main problem is I can't eat enough.  If too, it feels like too much.  Even with the candy bars, I haven't eaten a thousand calories today.  Possibly not a thousand between yesterday and today.  I have an odd sense of being too full most of the time.  Well, and little interest in food, and less ability to do much in getting food ready to eat.

Oh, and so many songs flooding back, and posts.  Yea, I think some get it.  Or, at least they can follow the old and new lines of thought.  Not sure anyone believes in anything.  Who can ever tell.  Not only have I see stretches of the recent thought lines, but too, I have seen signatures of some of the people who have, or used to, visit.  Who knows the truth of any of it... but... I, for one, think so.

Something has brought many of them back.  For a moment, or longer, who knows.  Or... just created an echo in the nether.  A lot of them.  I... may post, if, when, I wake next.  Goodnight, and day.  My days are crazy.  Sleeping for hours or something, waking when I can, or need to, or have no choice.  Awake until it's bedtime next.  I think I am having two to three days a... day.  Rough.  While I used to have much worse, with weeks and months down at a time, I... didn't remember.  This is as that, almost, only... I do remember.

The... thing.

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Someone saw... something.  And linked to a song.

Just standing is difficult.

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It's not just leg strength, it is air.  I can't seem to get enough.  I had thought, after yesterday, I would be doing better.  Vision is, mostly, better.  Everything else has become difficult again.  As difficult?  Maybe.  I would more say air and muscle seem slightly better by part, but worse in whole.  I am having a lot of trouble just standing.

Oxygen should be good enough, but it really isn't.  The reading says it is good.  I checked again, it is at 96.  Checked twice.  I just went down for a bit, but then is back to where it started.  I'll check every one in a while, see if it drops, and how far, from time to time.  Perhaps I really am different enough so that "good readings" just really aren't good, for me.

A shower, if I can get to it.  I did feed the girls.  Twice, now, I think.  Ugh.  I'll see about food, when I can.  I have meat which should be thawed.  Brats, a cornish game hen, and... some other stuff should be thawed.  Maybe just oven roasting.  It's the easiest way to cook, leaving me on my feet for the shortest times.  I have sauerkraut in there.  Perhaps something else?  Not hungry, but honestly know I need to eat.  Not sure keeping it down would be easy though.  I should be able to keep it very keto.

I have a few things I really want to do.  Just maybe I may be able to do some things.  I am, as well, beginning to try to gain more control of hunger and thirst.  I suppose I could drink most of my hunger away.  I probably have been.  But that may be part of why I am so week.  You really do have to take in food, enough of it, to have energy to burn.  I really may be starving.  Even when I was eating candy bars, I was only eating 500 to 800 calories a day.  Nauseous from that, actually.  Hated eating those, but it was... something to eat.  As well, the calories weren't good burning calories.  I'm not sure they really provided much... like wood which burns very quickly... you end up going through it fast, and while it seems hot, it's really, over time and volume, cold.

Well, and even since I went back to keto, I am eating far too little... in the 500 range.  So, yeah.  I need to figure out how to eat more.  Feeling better, in a lot of ways, but starving.  Drinking more water won't help, even if I don't feel like getting up and cooking.  I better figure out how to get more calories, as much fat and more protein.  Carbs truly aren't needed.  If vitamins and minerals that come with some vegetable carbs really are needed.  I can take vitamins and minerals, but eating them seems to be the best... unless, like potassium, I need a dose which isn't possible to eat, because of other medicines I take causing a massive imbalance.

Yes, food.  I will... try to sort out getting more food!  I am almost certain that is what is wrong.  My cells are trying to burn what just doesn't exist.  Something, quickly.  Cheese and ham, I think, and a fatted coffee.  But, then, figure out something for a few hours on, and set the timer to cook it...  Two... three hours.  Gotta have some food, and gotta eat up a bit.

Once I get food to a point where my body begins to work, then I can begin intermittent fasting again... just eating when I actually need food.  Not want, not thirsty, but need.  I really think eating just because it is a time is part of my problem.  I noticed that in one of the videos.  I have... wrestled with that a few times.  I think she may be right.  Whether I eat once or thrice a day should depend on felt need.  Though, sometimes, that will mean eating even when I may not feel hungry, but know I should be.

Tricky damned process.  With the business, or health issues, or whatnot, we seem to have begun ignoring our natural signals.  I am on the machine, too often, when eating.  I am trying to learn hot to listen while hot, though.  Maybe will work.  But having to cook, clean, process, buy, transport, and else... all the food... while ill on top of it, makes this a tricky widget.  Still, I am going to begin trying.

Now for a bite, and sip.  Later.

I know when I woke up.

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I woke up, in any case, at 21:21.  I dreamed all night.  Well, not all night.  Just off and on all night?  The first portion, which was the majority of the night, I dreamed I was one of, say, seven different pagan gods.  Poseidon, Athena, Mars, and others... arriving as one, then after finishing, changing to another, just just among the set, no new ones.  I would be called into an arena.  Some... thing... was waiting... to do battle.  And we battled.  Not always easily, but I would best this demon?  Yes, I think so.

I, personally, think most pagan gods are devils... the children of demons.  Though... there are... other things among such.

Through two thirds of the night, I dreamed of being called to battle.  Winning.  Leaving to rest only to be called back, in one form or another.  It was tiring, but nowhere near as wearying as the main dream yesterday.  I woke up to pee, often, as well.  By the number of times I woke to do that, I would have thought the three liter would be full.  It was only half full, when I finally woke.  Very strange.

For the last part of the night, I found myself in bed, having sex with, the women who turned me on the most... out of the many.  Not always the prettiest women.  Some women are pretty, some are sexy, and very few are both.  If, in truth, they all, mostly, are good enough.  At least if they are fertile and mostly reasonable.

I have bedded women most men only dream of.  I laugh at those men.  I suppose everyone needs a dream.  But, truth is, they really are all mostly the same.  And those dream women are, quite often, women I would rather have never known.  I guess I would like to have never know how... disappointing... a lot of the prettiest, sexiest, women are.  I think they were only with me because I didn't... care?  Because I wasn't impressed, moved, obsessed.

I was with any of them for the natural draw.  But... so what.  I didn't, often, remember why I seemed not to care.  I had lost the one I... I won't even say I loved her.  Well, or not until I lost her.  I lost the one I was going to... be with.  I didn't think much better of her, but I was going to be with her.  Until the choice was gone.  After that, I just... didn't care.  Other than the natural draw, I wasn't going to offer more.  And if she got too rough around the edges, I would be gone.

Usually never got the chance to part.  Travel, my job, life situations...  I became a ghost.  Even family lost track.  Anyway, I dreamed of having sex with a few of them, maybe thirty?  Not even half.  And, I was inured to it.  Whatever.  Strange that I would still be a bit... unmoved by some terribly beautiful and sexy women.  I actually liked some of them, as people.  But as lovers... whatever.  Odd...

Very tired, at waking.  My body is back to being exhausted.  Getting a breath is difficult, my heart hurts a bit.  I did have a bite to eat.  I did get caught back up on medicine, very roughly.  I did just a bit of work.  I got plenty of sleep, if dreams are ripping up my sleep, and peeing all night.

I don't know.  I will keep at it.  As able.  Vision is going tunnel again.  Lack of air?  Some organ failures?  Oh, I got the oxygen tester... it was 96% as I was waking, pulse (I think) is running between 106 and 100 now, and BI (whatever that is) is running between 7.6 waking and 5.6 now, all seem to have slid lower since waking.  Later.

Not perfect.

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Better.  Definitely better.  Pain is much less than what it has been.  Fewer areas hurt.  Currently it is just the neck, as if I had a cold or the flu... it hurts like that.  The pain is mild.  I actually think it is from excessive hydration, so I took a few extra water pills.  The strange thing is, the pain from excessive hydration is similar to that of dehydration.  The pain is different though.  With dehydration, it feels like a strip inside the throat is sticking to another part.  With excessive hydration, that same area (for me) feels bloated.  Both, often, feel dry.  So knowing, exactly, which one it is, and so how to treat it, is a bit tricky.  I am almost sure it is excessive hydration, this time, though.  I have been drinking a lot more than usual these last few days... lost track.  Was drinking instead of eating, because the foods (I thought) available, were just candy bars.  I found out, tonight, that was wrong.  Eating now, but also suffering from excesses water in there.  Hopefully a day, and food, and extra waterpills today and "tomorrow", will solve that.

I do feel better from having eaten.  I have been enjoying figuring out food for the next few days, and probable for the longer stretch.  Some meats have been put out to thaw, if not exactly the ones I have hoped to get out.  Which, actually, might be fine... mostly.  

I want the chops, and burger.  I just don't have the energy to get into the freezer.  I will need to move boxes, and clean dishes.  I just can't.  I have done a few more things.  Which is super.  I have been absolutely thrashed, unable to work, for weeks.  I have done a few random or required items, but just through luck.  Brutal.  Horrible.

Actually, the little I have done is more than I have been able to do for weeks, all at once.  Though it wasn't much.  It was something.  I did get some meats out to thaw.  I have some hope to do some cooking tomorrow.  Nothing fancy, packages into the oven, in foil.  Maybe some vegetables?  I'm not sure what is available.  Definitely meat.

I'll have a bit of tea in a short while, and a single sandwich... cheese and deli meat, six or seven slices total.  I want something more, but... this will have to do.  It may be enough to get a shower in, then go on to bed?  If that is possible.  Odd how that works.  Insomnia is what it is.

Still, a goodly bit better than I have been for weeks, months most likely.  Maybe just a short reprieve.  Though there is some hope that it might be the beginning of a better spell.  I hope so, I have some things I really want to do.  Chores, jobs, tasks, better eating, a more controlled bit of drinking the right amounts of water, and personal and business care.  Ugh.  A thousand and one things to do.  If I can just get to it, through the pain, medicine, weather, and whatever else.  Later.  Or goodnight.

Right, some more keto vids.

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This is more than a science, these days.  They really are getting things... sorted.  Disagreements, still, of course.  And, yet, those are easy to check for your own shoe.  One size simply does not fit every foot.  Here are a few videos which really hit the barebone basics, but not mildly.  Some new and some familiar faces.  Enjoy.

I keep looking at lowering carbs.

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The medical field suggests keeping carbs in the 30 to 60 grams, per meal, area.  Which, according to ketosis pros, is way too high.  Keto gurus suggest 30 grams as a maximum, for a whole day.  If with some give for actual size.  Not quite weight, but weight at a specific height.  Which, for me, means somewhere between 45 and 60 grams, perhaps more.