Okay...

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Down at ~23:15, up at eight.  I can do that.  I'd like to be to bed earlier, and be up earlier.  Though too, I'd like to sleep a little longer?  If I could get down by twenty hundred, up by six?  That, right now, given my levels of exhaustion, would be good.  Just a bit more sleep.  Not sure it is possible, but will be aiming for that, now that I am more awake?  Doing lightly better?  When I am crushed by poor health and whatever else, I don't have a lot of choice.  When I start doing better, I begin not only aiming at things, if not always hitting the target albeit, but being able to bring some force to bear on the matter, force and mind.  Will see.  But that is the plan.

Sleep was very good.  Warm enough, not too warm.  Comfortable.  No itchy scratchy sensations.  I thought something was in my hair, last night.  The only time I have ever had that happen.  but, this morning, while brushing my hair, I found a lock that had become... out of calibration with the rest.  While brushing, it rolled, and... I realized that was it.  Still, that... freaked me out.  If it were to have been a critter, it would have to have been a very small mouse or a very large spider.  And, the hair flop while brushing almost caused me to drop the brush for the same panic I felt earlier.  I flipped it a few times, and... yep.  Just a lock of hair that had gotten out of order... or something like that.  Rare for me.  Especially having showered a day ago or so.  Bleh.  Oh... it had been raining when I was out.  That... can do odd things to my mop.

Hungry.

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I just can't cook more.  Or eat.  Okay.

So... what to do?  Go on to bed?

So rough, difficult.

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I want to sleep.  I can't.  My body is sore, tired, sleepy, exhausted.  Doing anything takes concentrated effort, sometimes for days at a time.  The house is a mess.  I am up on laundry.  Dishes, general upkeep, and some other things however, have me against a wall I can't seem to escape.

Can't sleep, can't be well awake, can't work, can't always cook or eat even if I could cook.  I was able to get potatoes and ham heated or cooked, and down.  While I wasn't hungry, I was hoping food might do some good.  I am sure it did, it's just that I can't tell what that good might have been.  I really hoped food would do something positive for me.  Nope.

Potatoes and ham.

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I put the potatoes to going an half hour before putting the ham in.  Ham is usually already cooked, right?  Well, I think so.  A local store set up ham production, just for Christmas, and other holidays, most likely.  I thought I would give them a shot.  I prefer local, for such things, if at all possible.

Spiral cut, boneless.  Boneless potatoes too.  :p  If things work out, I should have a fine meal in about half an hour or a little less.  Just half the ham went in.  I should have bought less, but... the holiday spirit was pushing me along, so clarity was not a part of it.

Raining and cold.

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Just waking at around noon.  Dreams aplenty.  I'm trying to remember them, and put them to post.  I remember two of the four, which won't quite do.  In time I'll... either just let the project go, or figure out the other two parts.

Hungry, thirsty, and not.  I may get to something, before long.  Or not?  I fed Sassy first thing.  She was pretty hungry.  I am usually up by six to eight, so... she was starving... poor dear.  I mean that, not mocking.  She may be a bit spoiled, but that's not a bad thing?  Limits, but this is just feed schedule.  Most critter types really like regular feeding times.  Some literally need it.

Such dreams.

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In the first one, I was back in high school.  Just about to leave.  Believe it or else, there were a few hens I could have picked from, for... longer relationships.  Marriage, probably.  For my part, I knew better.  Money.  The guys, my age, marrying then, where marrying for sex.  And they got it, for a while.

Whether in the service like me, or on their dad's farm, or getting a degree and then job?  The main problems right away was money.  Money, money, money.  Or sex.  Or sex and money.  The lack of each for the lack of one.  Though, more complicated than that, also... not so much more complicated.

Slogging through.

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I had to get a nap in, early this morning.  From eight to noon?  Or so.  Then I got back up.  Had to work to get up.  Then staggered toward a shower.  Not sure when I got in, but right as I was stepping in, I heard the neighbor clearing the drive, on his machine.  Which... was good.  Snowed, it had.  And might have been difficult to get out.

I sent a thank you text, when I got out.  It's not much, I think it was the father.  Still don't quite know.  Ah... now I do.  It was son the second, so I sent a thanks off to him.  Good to know, and send gratuities as little as that is.

More sleep.

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So very tired.  I keep falling asleep in my chair.  Still surprised I don't fall.  Not yet at least.  But I need more sleep.  Used the teeth machine on my teeth, the swirly not lateral one?  Or such.  Took medicine.  Fed Sassy twice.  But it's back to bed for just a bit.

Ugh.  I've been itching my back like crazy.  Though, it seems, at least for a bit, I have itch managed?  Maybe.  Or I'm just so tired I'm numb to it.  Later.

By 20:00?

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Maybe as much as an hour after?  Some time in there.  I could have been to bed earlier, say 17:30.  I only pushed through hoping to do something.  A shower, put in laundry, set up the dishwasher... something... anything.  It just wasn't going to happen.

It's not even that I gave up, or lost hope.  It's that I began failing.  Falling asleep in my chair, which isn't a chair that is safe to sleep in.  Surprised I haven't fallen out of it yet.

Rough, shaky, tired, pained, but... meh.

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Just a rough day.  I had hoped to get to a few things.  I simply couldn't.  I wanted to, since I wasn't going to be able to work, to play.  The game I've been working on.  I couldn't do that either.  Just rough.  My heart is sore and tired.  My body as rule has no energy.

I did eat, a few times.  Not a lot.  A few pieces of chicken, here and there.  Some salad.  No coffee, or tea.  Just not feeling up to handling that.  Usually I love coffee, but it's pushing too hard lately.  The warmth would have been nice though.

I did get the place warmer.  It didn't mater.  I was cold, even when I had it up into the mid 70s, front and back areas.  I was just cold.  It's... health not being the best is all.  Not like I'm dying, I'm just not even near the peak of my game.  Which is fine.

I heard the doorbell.  But I wasn't ready for company, or delivery, or whatever/whoever it might be.  So I... just... hid.  Quietly sitting.  It was a gift, from a neighbor.  I'll have to ask around, find a thank you card, and get that there.  Such good deeds deserve gratitude.  I much prefer to answer the door.  Sometimes I just can't.  Quite pleasant, though as mentioned, I would have liked to have thanked them in person.

It's nearing bedtime.  I think I shut the furnace down, and the heat in here.  While it was cool all day, it is definitely getting cold.  So... finish up, quickly, have a bit more of the gift and some water, night meds, then get on to bed.  Oh, and feed the furry friend type.

Sleep well.  Stay warm if possible.  Good night.

Awake.

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Sometime after eight, again.  It's here closing on ten, again.  I went to bed closer to 20:00, I think.  Slept warm, and well.  Three liters out.  More, if you count morning first round in there.  That's a lot of fluid.  Back on medicine.  I took that one day off, after dropping seven liters.  More worried about the waterpills, but they all sort of work together.  But, got back on the last two days, right?  Or such.

Fresh air is helping.  Just not as much as hoped?  Which means while that might be part of the problem, the cold, wet, and dark are playing a part of health issues.  Still, okay.  Better than it had been.

Almost bedtime.

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Breathing is just a bit difficult.  No, don't worry.  I've got decades.  Lungs burn just a bit though, and getting enough air in isn't easy.  Not choking on air, just not... sucking enough in to be completely comfortable.  I'll do some meditation tonight, as I go on to bed.  Contemplate the miracle of Christ's birth.  Something about God centric thoughts and mindfulness eases breathing... when I am in a position, space, and state of mind for it.  I practice deeper breathing when I do that, just as when lift weights... when I used to lift weights.

A bit more chicken and some of the salad.  Good enough.  Not hungry enough for steak, or ham.  It was good enough.  Would rather have skipped food altogether, but something stirred.  And it is a holy day.  Extra food seemed reasonable.  And, yes, Sassy gets extra food.  A bit more yesterday, a can more today, and a bit more tomorrow.

Cold.

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Turned the furnace up.  Doesn't really help the sensation.  The temps dropping, out there?  The wet combining with the cold, to sort things?  It almost felt a bit too warm up here, in the front room.  I wondered if someone bumped the heat up, an electric system.  While it can add warmth, the price is more than I prefer.

I turned it off, down?  It didn't seem to move.  Perhaps it had just been turned ever so slightly on?  It is cooler, after doing that, by about four to six degrees.  Not a lot, but when on the edge of cold, six degrees can be... starkly cooler, colder really.  Then again, even in the living room, it just seems much cooler.  Though, perhaps, this room being that much colder draws the heat out.

The last two.

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I did get through to an aunt.  Who as having a meal with my mother when she contacted me back.  Or, it sounded like it?  So, I asked, if she was there, if she would have my mom call me.  She, it ended up, was there.  So... my mother called.

She had not received any notice that I had called or texted (called three times and texted, just today).  I got the call, but while they couldn't hear me, I could hear them talking about... something.  She ended up talking to my on my aunt's phone.

Well, some returns.

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I didn't want to call, and disturb.  Save my mother, but she didn't answer.  So I texted all.  Most responded with holiday salutations.  One, who surprised me, had a running conversation for a bit.  It... was good.  It's been a while.  I meant to add her at Thanksgiving, but was pushing my limits.  She was added this time.

Very good.

It's nearing time for something to eat.  Chicken and some of the salads.  I'll heat the chicken in the oven, how I prefer it.

Merry Christmas!

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I woke at about eight.  Started waking about eight.  I thought I pretty much felt the wrist shake alarm then, then started getting up.  But, after dressing lightly for house functions, coming down and feeding Sassy, getting the machine lit, and such, it is 9:38 by my clock.  Looks like the post timer is accurate these days, for now.  Never count on that, they alter those things as they wish.

Still, awake.  It is a bit dreary out there, no snow.  Oh, but don't discount the beauty of it.  Or that this sort of weather draws people closer?  It shows the mystery.  Which, while a fine thing, on a good day, can be daunting on a bad day.  Other people, as difficult and else they can be, are better company than the cold and damp and unknown on some days.

Good, gooder, and best.

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Two years?  Or so.  Trying to beat a boss.  Refused to move on.  couldn't get it done.  The game allows coop, if random I do believe?  Dunno.  But I never could get that to work, either.  So... I was stuck.  I just happened to see a vid, tonight, about how to do pc summons.  Oh, well, I gave it another... half a dozen attempts?  Or so.  Yea, no.

So, with the summons in, I tried to be a backup cannon.  I kept dying.  Then... I realized?  It... wasn't them.  Well... the first one was a total dud.  He died, with me staying back a bit, letting him do the work?  Like... in 15 seconds.  Okay.  So I tried a few more times, this time pouring it on thick.  Nope.

On to supper.

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I... left my suv running, in the driveway.  What... two, three, hours?  When I realized, I got out, put her up, then shut her down.  Always surprised how little gas was used.  At first, I was thinking that was right from picking up gas, and back.  Which even then wouldn't have been much gas used (in travel, and in idling).  Then I realized, I've been to town twice.  So... it's like idling for that long used... pretty much... no gas?  Yes.  Still, it worries me to have it idle for that long.

I then was looking at my phone, saw that I had messages.  I've been in pretty bad shape, so just didn't notice.  A few from my mom.  Okay.  One of them has her new number.  Apparently, it was decided that she wouldn't use her old number.  Okay.  But, in trying to reset that message, to listen to it again, I hit the erase button.  It's just one up, and I'm not in great shape even today.  So... I got six of the ten numbers.

I texted my brother a few hours ago.  It looks like he is ignoring me.  Okay.  Not much I can do.  Was going to try to call tonight.  I am more sure she wouldn't be doing anything tonight.  Perhaps over to her friend's home?  Or not.  He does what he can, but he is up there too.  Sometimes I think mother forgets that the whole lot of people she knows is... about at our ends.  I won't tell her though, someone has to have hope.  :)

Hopefully she will call me again, leave her number.  I wanted to call when she was less likely to be busy.  Or worn out.  If going shopping crushes me, I am sure just being with a room full of people, even her beloved, absolutely wipes her.  I... try to do things for her favor, when I can see ahead to it.  Not... a good son.  As good of one as I may be.

Brother?  May be holding a grudge, or dying himself.  None of us are in great shape.  Holding on by shoestrings, though thinking everyone else is better, or fine, and just assuming I am being a jerk... just because I can't keep up on things, and run things like a champ.  I don't mind.  I've sinned as such before.

Meh... do what you can.  Know you were honest in your efforts.  And let it be.  God knows, and I don't try to prove my way, or argue my way, to being right... even if I were right.  Which... I don't even assume anymore.  Besides, it isn't about a minute ago, it's about the next minutes.  I can't change the past, I can only attempt to be rightly present now and as I go on.  Some memory, some forethought, presence in the now when possible, patients with others and self, and a smile.  So it goes, as I may.

Oysters.  Yes.  That sounds so good.  Later.  Or good night.

It took a while.

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I meant to check a bit after nine thirty?  Or so.  Didn't end up checking until noon?  Noon thirty more like.  The stores I wanted to visit were open until 17:00, today.  Closed tomorrow.  Good, good.  So, yeah.  I made plans.  To get out immediately.  I know me, time can melt before I seem to blink.

I planned a shower.  Drying off, dressing, and going.  And... thought about it.  Which place to go to first.  What to get.  Else.  Time really almost escaped.  I realized, to get in, I couldn't take a shower.  No energy to do so, less after most likely.  No, I had to skip that.  I had a shower yesterday.  And the day before, I think?  I have been showering well, frequently, just recently.  Maybe a few day skip there.  But even that wasn't proving disastrous.

Awake and fairly better again.

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Improvement is very limited, if improvement is compounding over days.  Just another three quarters of a liter out last night, so I slept fairly well, warmly, and with fresh air.  Not sure if that really helps, but I think so.  That may be what is causing continued improvements?  Though it seems to be warmer out there?

Yes.  The thermometer reads 30, several do.  But, it isn't frozen.  It feels more like a... soft 40.  Water is dripping, from rain.  Foggy.  Very low visibility, here at ground level... perhaps two miles?  Though it may close and open as time goes on.  There is something delicious about fog, rain, this sort of temperature oddity, and such.  As... long as I don't have to drive in it.