.
I just can't cook more. Or eat. Okay.
I have shunted the heating systems, one off, the other to 66. I am hoping cooling helps me head toward bed before too long. I am feeling slightly better? Yes. Pain is down to a very slight notion. Further, is only in a few minor places and parts. I'm mostly comfortable. Breathing is easier. Still a little overheated, for no good reason. No fever, just warmer than I like.
Drinking mostly water. I did have a coffee. Won't tomorrow. Neither coffee nor tea, regularly. A few a week, total? Maybe. Tea and coffee seem oppressive lately. Just too much for my system. Which is rude, as I quite like coffee, or tea, when I can handle them.
Someone has been looking up some wonderful music. The things a lover would enjoy. Women love, and hate, to be loved. But like to remind, play, touch. Sometimes. It's a woman, almost certain. Toying with my hair, looking in my eyes, smiling. We may never have been lovers, but we... both have liked the idea. I like dames, she likes men.
I have been enjoying. Not sharing. Just for me. Mine. Go away. Or... look back in there. It's... all there. I may appreciated the feminine, or fight it, or emulate, reject, consider it. I have tried to join with it. Like the idea. But... just haven't found her. Or... found and be able to keep her, if not always a choice, or as simple as that seems. Death is... a card I haven't sorted. Though... there were other complications.
As with life, as with women? The choice isn't really a choice, an option. The only real option is... nothing. Which is where I am. Still, nice to think someone... thinks... thoughts my way. Not necessarily with me, or for me? More... alongside me? Like a sister? Or... perhaps I just don't see, or she can't go there, won't? Dunno. But I do like seeing some woman, out there, playing with my notions, if nothing else. I hope she has a love who tends her. I do. Even if, in age, or health, it is just holding hands from time to time, or a small whirl to remember when it was more flush than now? Small prayers. Sweet nothings, of a cosmic sort? Or such.
Well, yes. A bit of electrolytes in another water, then on to bed.
Sleep well. Dream well. Live well. And such. Oh, if you happen to say a prayer, and could spit my name out, I'd appreciate the square.
Prayer sent, "look after him, his writings have become comfortable to my routine, and I learn/ think something new often enough to come back."
ReplyDeleteAs to finding someone... sometimes You have to settle. My first wife, fun and games laughs (I had to bring my "A" game all the time, "dazzle me!" she'd say) We just wouldn't or couldn't have survived together long term, I know this for a fact. Maybe at this stage in life we could have reconnected, we'll never know.
My current, comfortable rebound that grew on me. She stuck by me through stuff that I wouldn't have blamed her for walking out. There is no passion. Comfort, and familiarity, mostly. I don't care enough to walk out. Apparently neither does she.
Appreciated. And, maybe it worked. Feeling a good deal better.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. The woman I lost? I am sure we would not be together, if she had lived. Between my illness, what the Navy wrongly through at me to save a nickel, and else? Some of it, though, rightly. Women aren't in it for us. They are in it for sex, as they prefer it, and money. Your wife probably realizes you are as good as she can get. Probably better than she would get, maybe deserve. But doesn't turn herself on with her looks, or sexuality, or such. So just shut it down.
Honesty sucks, but it's... sort of the truth. She is there because she can't see any other place she could be. The sex thing is reflective. It's how she feels, or doesn't, about herself. If I had to put money on cause.
I couldn't do that. I tried to live with my last, but going without wasn't going to work. Not knowing she was RIGHT THERE. She would have let me, but blamed me for "taking". In spite of the only reason she liked me, she said, was for sex? Bleh. Women are lunatics. Oh well.