Paranoia? Could be, but that does not mean they are not out to get you.

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My nurse visited today. We did our usual checks. Health-wise, things are not going the best. When she looked at my medsets, but before she reached for anything, I told her she need not bother. I have taken nothing. Further, I explained that I would not do so until or unless something was done. I explained that I had spoken with the patient advocate, my case manager, and my therapist and that I had heard nothing for more than a week. I explained that I could not take what I cannot trust, any of it. So, she started making calls.

She put the phone on speakerphone and allowed me to listen. She ended up contacting a case manager, one I have not spoken with before and do not know. She had overheard the conversation between my doctor and the other case manager, or had read the file, or both. It seems my doctor had decided not to continue me on methylphenidate as he believed his career was at stake. She did not indicate, what, if anything, I was being given. Perhaps it was still methylphenidate (generic Ritalin), perhaps he had just changed the order, perhaps what I received as early as September was merely a sugar pill. At this point, I do not trust anything. At least I know my doctor had decided not to continue this medication, if not when or how. I also know he had told me he was going to continue it.

I received a call from the new case manager. It appears my doctor is (now?) going to continue my medication. He wants me back on the rest of my medication. There are at least several problems with this. First, the dosage he has listed is not only less than what my nurse and myself had been under the impression I was to take, it is not enough even if it were (in other words, he has me on 3 pills, we thought I was to take 4, and 4 is not enough as is). Further, I have no means of verifying what I am getting is what he is, now, saying it is. Trust, people, is not given, it is earned. He has not earned it. He has done everything in his power to ruin it. If he does not like that, then he needs to do something about it. What, I cannot say. But, it is his problem, one he developed, and one only he can solve.

I ended up only getting a C on my probability and statistics for engineers. My study mate only received a 60. I am quite nervous about this, especially since my capacity to work harder is more than limited. My world is closing in on me, academically (and otherwise). I suggested, to my visiting nurse, that the real problem is that the VA and perhaps the University does not want me. I am old, they want to teach young. I am conservative, they want politically ignorant pupils, and I am grumpy, sure, and a bit cynical. Oh, and I am not much to look at. Yes, it adds up. Just some thoughts. She, as usual, thinks I am stretching the thing. But then, she did not believe me about the medicine until she heard it over the phone. Just saying…

Smirking, mind boggling foolishness, and other thoughts.

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The smirking Europeans just realized a poor uncle means a poorer nephew. Suck it up, and I hope our Euro-styled politicized financial markets are allowed to die in order that a real free-market economy may rise. It is too much too hope for, but that is my hope. Watching the leering grin on the face of a smarmy Europe change as it realizes the price it will pay is only honey to an already sweet cake. I would love to see their socialized markets fail even more so, since they are even further into the “green” and centralized markets, and thus much more susceptible. Some things just bring joy to my heart.

The idiocy of the Democratic Party is being shown, in it’s hard work to sell out the American people after having sold them out in such a manner as to create this problem, in that they are sweating bullets and spinning in their grave. I have to hope the bailout will not go through for that reason as well. Though 5 weeks is rather tight, the modern American seems to be paying attention. If that is actually true, even the most leftist, slowest, and all but the evil, will eventually understand what the problem is and who created it. Forcing Freddie and Fannie to open up to poor risks for “equality of results rather than equality of opportunity”. Realizing major corporations were told there would be a big pay-off if they went green, as the feds and states would be “forcing green legislation”, but mandates were not fast enough to pick up the slack in actual income potential (negative) of green technologies. Enron and AIG and the others had all over-extended into bad sectors believing Joe Taxpayer would be picking up the tab. As it turns out, we were going to either way. Dump the bailout and fix these, and other, bad (social activist) business practices NOW!

Do I think the failure of a bailout plan will really destroy the U.S., or even the world, economy? No, the problem will slow it down (both of them) and reset things back to basics (if we can keep the government from regulation). We are (or were) riding a false economic bubble. It is a method of enrichment the government and major corporations, ignoring Joe Taxpayer, decide to create. The bailout is their efforts at keeping the hackey-sac up in the air a little longer, at the potential (high probability regardless of what they say, both immediately, and through this becoming a typical business model based on government bailouts) cost to Joe Taxpayer. I think that is why we still have the 2nd Amendment, I thought? Oh well, I am too old and too poor to really care.

I have honestly looked at where I could move when the Jerk makes it into the president’s office. Honestly, there is not a free nation out there. I guess I just have to suffer until I get to the real shining city. No hippies, no communists, no muslims, no abortion, no socialists, I think I will like it. And, I suppose, it is my cross to suffer through the time until it is my time. And, yes, I do pray for many things. I give up what I cannot control, I give up the insufferable, I give up my sins, and I pray on my knees. I suppose if we must understand that God was murdered because of us, because of our unworthiness to find our own way, the rest is rather simple to bear?

Last nights party.

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I had 6 beers and 2 to 3 shots, the last of, my rye. It is the only rye I can drink, and it is great. Though you probably cannot get it. It is called Templeton rye whiskey. It was, supposedly, Al Capone’s go to whiskey, his top shelf stuff. Then it was a small batch illegal hooch of top quality, now it is still small batch, using the same recipe, according to their bottle. Anyway, that is all it took and I was off and going. I should not blog or comment while partying, but… It happens. I should not party, but it will happen and felt needed and good. And, though it was not much of a party, it is as “good” as it gets here. I actually feel a little rough this morning. That I do not mind, being a lightweight in this manner is fine with me.

I thought about removing my last post, but decided to keep it. If embarrassing in a number of ways, I did it so it will stay. Some of my comments I would like to remove too, on other people’s blogs, but that is not up to me.

I am still nervous about the last test. I am hoping to contact the realtor today. I will be heading to class, then my VA vocational rehabilitation officer, maybe getting a meeting with the realtor going, then going to my Mom’s home for the weekend. I will be back Sunday night, I plan on starting swimming Monday. Life is pretty good. Oh, my Mom said she will be cooking a home made meal tonight! She likes some surprises. Well, I best be off.

Nephilim. And Bane.

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Not all of them are bad. I cannot express this more strongly. Or, I am evil. Yes, yes, foolishness. Hush.

I may be wrong, mortalling, but I am not evil. Further, though I may be wrong in small details, I am sure I am not wrong in the long run. I know where I am going, I know my Master, and I bow to the only “One”. As hard as bowing to any Man, even the son of man, was, I have done so. Fully, strongly, faithfully, and fully, I have kneeled to God. Yet, too, I know I am not human. Not fully. Even if I am what I am for no purpose, I yet am what I am. Foolish, of course. Superstitious nonsense, of course. That does not change reality. I am what I am, if I am not Who I Am.

I see that Bane has died. I have been avoiding the notion. I must admit, when he said he was dieing, I doubted. He stopped allowing me to post. I know why, or believe so. It has to do with something few of you know about. He let several things pass, but when I posted to a place he visited, he lost his interest in allowing me to even post on his site. Perhaps he knows better now, perhaps not. Perhaps he was right. And, no, it has nothing to do with anything most of you know about. Perplexing, perhaps Deb knows. God does.

I regret his death. I had stopped reading his blog, ended my link to it, and had avoided any thoughts of such. And yet, even such as I know a brother, or cousin, or something. Our pissing contests about who was darker aside, we both knew, I believe, that we both knew. Past certain points, the darkness of the pot and kettle mean nothing. Their darkness swallows light, both of them. I would like to think I have walked away, broken and busted and ugly, but alive and choosing other than that. I like to think, in spite of his insistence, that he did too. Why? Because blood is blood, and if his blood cannot be purified, perhaps mine cannot be either.

Yes, I love Bane. I will pray for him. I hate him too. The bastard turned away, let me go, just because I am what I am, and that I sometimes quite enjoy it. It has been eating me since I first heard the news. It is everywhere. I could no longer hold my tongue. Now you know… you know half the story in any case. The rest will no more be known than I would allow a Freudian slip, or any other kind. Damn, I really don’t know what else to say, except that I used a contraction against months or years of not allowing such in my blogging (though I do use them in comments on other blogs and rebuttals to comments on my blog). I guess that is as good as it gets. A little random chaos for one such as him.

Mid-term Exams

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I just finished my last of two mid-term exams this evening. I took the physics test Wednesday and today it was an probability and statistics for engineers exam. I thought I had done well on physics, but I did not want to write anything until I knew for sure. Something about jinxing... no, that was not it. I just did not want to brag myself up only to be wrong. As it turns out, I did to well. I received 15. Yep, 15 out of 15. The class average was 84%. I can live with that, especially since I was not heavily studying that ( = only made it to class 3/4 of the time and sort of looked at the homework and book, kinda). Today’s test was much more complicated, though I will just say I think I did well. As I told my TA as I was leaving, I either did well, I am delusional, or both! He got a chuckle out of it, as did I. On a bad test, it might have broken the tension, but I did not need that on this test, to my mind. Still, it will be a bit before I know. And though technically I am not nervous, due to the complexities, there remains more room for doubt than the physics exam provided.

I am not happy about the physics class, however. I feel that I am not doing the heavy lifting I should be doing, to dig beyond just what is offered and into what else there is. I am not sure how to go beyond and fundamentally secure the material and the theory. Both are very important, and interesting to me. As well, even if I aced the probability and statistics test, I feel that I need to do more and really tackle… or own… the material. I can do that with the physics, I am not sure I can do that with this class. But that is my goal. Physics offers thought processing that is vital, if in an offhand manner, to all of my other course work. Or at least what is coming up. Probability and statistics is more useful toward my longer term goal of graduate school. Both have their value. And, from talking to several graduate students I know, getting beyond just an A in class will really help graduate level work. Speaking of which, I think I am going to begin my graduate school preparations now. There are free test screenings available, and tutorials for those. I figure that if I start now, in 2 to 3 years, I should be quite ready to take that plunge. Why wait when it is my real goal?

I have received my loan pre-approval. I was going to get in touch with a man tomorrow, a buyers advocate in the reality world. Actually, I may still do that. But I have decided to visit my mother this weekend, before I become buried in classes again. A little home cooking, a lot of mutual love, hugs, and maybe a little beer will do me some good. Actually, I am starting on the beer tonight. But I think my gullet is large enough for a few here and there. I am hoping to find a place sooner rather than later. A few days ago, there were four gang members visiting the white honey next door. Who knows, who cares, I just know this is not good. I am the business end of the business end, and this could very quickly become business. For the most part, and for my part, I would rather be done with that.

Did you hear that? The beers in the refrigerator are clinking. I think they are chilled and lonely. A bottle hug and liquid chug is in order.

*here here* *where did that "*here here*" come from?*

Life and Nephilim.

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I have been sleeping a good deal, though that is not unusual at this point. With two tests this week, and perhaps duck hunting, I will need to tend my time well. So far I have been doing ok with this. I sleep 4 to 8 hours, wake up refreshed, then study, eat, rest a bit, then back to study until I must sleep again after 8 to 10 hours of awake time. It has left little time for on-line affairs. Little blogging, few emails, and I am falling behind in some other real life issues, if I am (I hope) keeping up scholastically (sort of). I have, though, completed the paperwork, made copies of the paperwork needed, and sent the package in for an official pre-approval for a home loan. No, I am not subprime, no I would not accept an approval amount more than what I could pay, yes I am watching all things closely and carefully regarding that. I am making plans to try and improve things, but this week is not a good week to begin.

Next week I am planning on beginning my swimming again. I am not sure how it will work, but I will have a month before my next set of tests in order to see if that will fit in without completely wiping me out. If that works, I may attempt to begin weight lifting again after the following test. Being off medication seems to have, once the medicines cleared my system, no net affect on my abilities to function. That is not a good thing, in that I was and remain overly tired. I will have to proceed carefully, but I see no reason not to try and improve my lot similarly to the way I was trying before, that is, through working out and watching my diet. As a fact, if it works out, it might be better now than before. We will see.

Though I feel like a rat caught in a mad scientist’s maze, I do have to power to quit playing. This I have done. However, quitting the game makes me both responsible and without instruction. With the questionable instruction, this is good. Being responsible, although, is always a heavier task. It comes down to trust, and though I do not trust myself greatly, I trust myself enough to know when it is time to not blindly follow a fool or a trickster. In this, I think I have done as well as I may. Oh, I noted that there was a doctor, one I had not met or heard of, who filled (and changed?) my prescriptions between my old doctor and this new doctor. I had thought the new doctor took over directly from the old doctor, so this adds a new element to the possibles bag.

Shooting clays went better than I had thought it would. With a couple of really bad shots to start the process, the rust began to fall away. I have neither hunted duck (or any fowl) before last year (and did not hit a bird then), nor shot clay before. I have shot rifle, pistol, and shotgun, but the shotgun was fired at a stationary target in preparation for guard assignments, and at relatively close ranges. After those poor shots, I zipped up to between 40 and 60 percent hits until my shoulder started missing for me. I feel much better about hunting, now that I know that the thing can actually be hit. It is much more natural of a shot than what I had anticipated. It seems we have a natural indication of vectors and motion, mass, and targeting, than what I might have anticipated. Watch out ducks, here I come. Of course, I will probably still feel a bit like Elmer Fudd when I miss. It is just part of the game.

Oh, Nephilim… The possibly mythical belief that angels and women mated to produce children, called giants, arrogant, etc., or nephilim generally. Most of what I am finding on the topic indicates, if true in the more literal meaning, was based on the mating of fallen angels from a group called “Watchers” and women. And yet, I am sure there is, somewhere, an indication that there were giants, or nephilim, not of fallen angels. That there were, or will be, giants from the host on high. I am just unable to find it, perhaps that is a conspiracy! ;p The other school of thought, considering this notion, is that the sons of God are male descendents of Seth and the daughters of men are female descendents of Cain. The mixing of the two lines, in modern jingle, is the explanation, since any well versed scientific Christian knows angels are spiritual beings, unable to impregnate women, of course. Believe what you will, for my part, I am quite sure. And, I am pretty sure not all nephilim are children of the dark ones.

*Boo!*

*Poof*

Therapy.

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I had set an appointment with a therapist I had worked with in the past, just in case school became problematic. Yes, a little foresight can end up being a good thing. And, though I do not believe in psychology as a general practice, I do think there are issues best dealt with within such an arrangement. Most of life’s issues are best, imho, left to family and friends, one’s own insights, and the pressures of reality. Talking about dreams of war, in all their gory details, with all of the raw emotion seeping out like psychic puss, that is too much for most, most therapists even. This therapist deals with that, real or imagined, or as I have learned to say, “Whatever”. Today was the day.

I had not suspected my medicines were a problem at the time I placed the appointment. I only thought there might be other issues, and there are. As well, it has been some number of years since I spoke with her. At the appointment, I filled her in on what has happened up to this point. She became a little pushy, though, and asked if I was just visiting in order to update her or if I indeed had some issues. So, I cut to the chase. There are two issues, the difficulty with the doctor and a growing fear, a fear of everything and nothing really. First, though, the doctor.

I discussed my doubts about the medication, the issues I was experiencing, and such. She nearly came unglued, saying the VA does not use placeboes and would never try to trick me. She became rather heated, actually. I gave her time to speak. She also indicated that she knew, and respected, this doctor personally. She said she trusted him enough to ask advice for her own family. Nice, but it means nothing to me, though I bit my tongue regarding professional courtesy. When I saw she had pretty much finished, I asked her to allow me to explain why I was suspicious. I explained the doctor’s attack regarding my hair, suggesting my whole problem is merely that I am too fat, wondering how I tricked my last doctor into offering me the medicines I am on, being against me changing my type of relationship with doctors in general, and on and on. When I finished, I saw her flinch. She could tell I was telling the truth but could not understand why this doctor, who I had never met, would act this way. Which also, to me, indicated that she saw the behavior as inappropriate. I saw her begin to think. That is all I wanted with this issue.

The other issue is a growing fear. A worry that I will or will not succeed. A gnawing concern that I am losing my grip. And total uncertainty about the future. I feel like I am drowning. I cannot find anything solid to grab onto. My medicines have become useless. My energy, enthusiasm, and direction are gone. I am unsure what to do, who to turn to, and who to trust. I have further decided to quit all medications. I do not believe the methylphenidate is what it is, regardless of her and other’s assurances (and rants, but I understand her feelings on the issue, a bit). I am so tired and unsure, and I am not sure how to untie that knot. So, I asked her for advice. I think she did a good job with this. She offered me several ideas about how to begin dealing with this side affect (to my mind) of a medicinal failing (created or natural) and it’s repercussions in my life. I am giving that a whirl, and I think it will help. Actually, she offered two ideas which will prove helpful. That is what I was hoping for. And, though I do not think it will necessarily save my chances in school, it will allow me to find myself in that and to not feel so pressed, whatever happens.

However, here as everywhere I go within my medical care net, I keep running into the suggestion that school really could be let go and lost and it would not be a bad thing. I keep getting the feeling that neither the VA nor the school wants me. If it was not so pervasive, it would just be a notion. As is, it is either a conspiracy or a medical dogma. Either they do not want me in school, that is, for their purposes or for mine, as they see it. Who knows, and I guess, other than me, who cares? I am more at peace, but I am not much closer to being functional. As I may have said, I am ending all medication. So far, the only difference I have noted is that I am less sleepy, just as able to stay up a bit longer when just on the methylphenidate as off it. Well, it offered a small taste of real life, for a couple years. I will not be unhappy given that, if a bit disappointed.

Political Leaning?

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There are some serious problems with this “quiz”. But first, the “results”.

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 90% Conservative, 10% Liberal Social Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal Personal Responsibility: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal Fiscal Issues: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal Ethics: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

First problem, the quiz writer believes that being for wars which are against international law is conservative. In other words, it states that conservatives support illegal wars. I indicated that I am against wars which are internationally illegal. They gave me a liberal mark for that. Which is as fatally flawed as saying you are against capital punishment to the point of letting someone kill you, without doing anything about it. Wrong.

Next, I indicated that I was for the war in Iraq. This question seems to have no effect.

Finally, I indicated that all authority should be viewed with suspicion. They said this was liberal. Wrong, again, as usual. Questioning authority has always been a tenet of the Christian faith, conservative pragmatism, and practical living. It is not the nihilism of the left, the childish notion that doing whatever we want is our business regardless if it affects anyone else, it is simply a part of the wisdom that flows from God because we live in a fallen world we have chosen to fell.

Other than that, fine. Urhm, well, not quite. I am not a Republican or a conservative, simply put, I am a liberal, albeit a real one. The liars have dropped the use of liberal now that they think they have ruined the term. It's mine, now, as it has been all around the world, except here, for most of time.

After careful assessment...

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I believe I know what was changed in my medication. Whether the dosage was decreased is still a possibility if not a certainty, I am certain that the medication was definitely altered. My suspicion is that it was reformulated into a slow release form. Whether this was done because it was cheaper, though doubtful, is possible. That I was not told about it is very troubling. Should I have been another, I might have tried to increase the actual intake to deal with the change and might easily have ended up overdosing. I have some suspicion that this may have been the goal. Such a thing would have allowed the doctor to take me off the medication without question, which is what he wanted. Whether this goes back to my original doctor is questionable, though doubtful, as my difficulties are much more recent. Or, since my doctor is research oriented, it is just a variable he was interested in documenting. Either way, my health and well being were not primary to the decision.

Another subject which might be related is that I made the doctors unhappy by refusing sleeping pills. They initially had me taking them, but not only ineffective in getting me 8 hours of sleep, they actually limited my sleep to about 4 hours per session. They seem to really want me to take what they offer, and are quite displeased when it does not work so that I no longer comply. I wonder if they receive kick-backs for the medicine they push, or certain ones. Whether personally or institutional kick-backs, who would know? Perhaps both? How would you find out? Though too, and again, it might just go to their research.

As I have said before, those of you who wish for socialized medicine really should reconsider. There is no way to know what is being done for sure. You will have no redress, including lawsuits. If you change doctors, you will be in the same system. And there are no other systems available. If you want this, vote for Obama. I will not guarantee McCain would stop the thing, but there is a greater chance he can be yanked from such a thing by the groups which elected him. Good luck with that, but do not say you have not been warned. The government, any government, is not on your side when it “comes in and takes over in order to help you”. You are probably better off in a burning building, your senses, fear of pain, and personal interest in your own life would serve you far better. Failing to survive, your suffering will be much shorter.

Addendum to doom.

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Though the future is bleak, in a thousand ways, regardless of which candidate makes it to the White House; because of the financial difficulties we are about to face, real, harsh, and humbling as they will be; and with enemies in and out of this nation doing their best to damage it the most; I have a reasonable amount of surety, and some faith beyond that, in that what will be will be just fine. We do live in a nation of achievers. We do live in a nation of people who, when pressed, will push back. We still have most of our rights intact and functional, if there are constant challenges to them, steps forward here, steps back there. There is room for a correction without a complete loss. As a fact, despite the pain of it, a correction is in order, in many ways and for many reasons. A more humble America would not be a bad thing, a more grateful America would be good, and a more family oriented and religious America would be splendid.

Financially, I think the corrections will be harsh. People who have become used to living alone and living large may have to change their notions. People who have split out on their own via the fiscal fictions of the unsustainable economic model we are in will lose some of their freedoms. Our independence as a nation has gone too far, splitting families, friends, social groups, and society as a whole. Some of this, maybe much of it, is based upon economic fairy tales. The debt ridden will need to learn to live within their means. Those who bought houses as investments based on artificially inflated prices will have to re-assess. I think the trick is to keep the government out of things. The take-over of Fannie and Freddie is not good. The potential for more take-overs and bankruptcies of major institutions is harrowing. I do not see how that will be solved, unless that hot potato becomes even too hot for the feds and they fold to some degree. No matter how much paper the feds press, they cannot help Mae and Mac, California, Wall Street, and home owners, while shelling out for every domestic program currently on the plate. It will hurt.

Even with that, a careful buyer can probably get into a previously unattainable home for a song. And though things are still sliding, and though the government is, once again, trying to stand in the way of the hurricane and trying to slow the inevitable, work is still worth this, wood and siding will be worth that, and land will always have some value. A smart buyer can aim low, buy well, and at worst and probably temporarily lose only a little while potentially holding even or better. I do believe that. As a fact, I am beginning my search with that faith and surety in mind. First, however, the paperwork! What a pile of… paper work.

I think, for this shake-out to work without losing what is right, our government needs to get out of the way of the things which need to happen and make sure they are ready to stand in the way of the things which should be ended immediately (massive civil disorder, corruption, and such). As well, once the difficulties have passed, the government will then need to secede any powers it assumed to ensure civility. It will need to be wise. In this, more than anything else, lies my worries. Will, when the darkness has passed, the government give up the power? Will they, like Washington, surrender any claims to a throne (or in this case, socialist bureaucracy police state)?

Whatever happens, I will just be me. I will remain a Catholic. I will attempt to be decent to my neighbors. I will try to hold hope, faith, and charity above my wants and false needs. And if there is a price for these things, then I will pay the price. I pay now, why would I change with an actual gun at my head? I know there is better. I know men fail. I know the world, to include you and me, is imperfect. And, I know I can take one more step, then another, then another, until I am able to take not one more. And, at some point, I will be home. Any suffering or sin I have borne or committed will be lifted. Pain, fear, doubt, dread, age, disease, and death will be lifted. Not that I am seeking the worst with all of this, but if it be God’s will, then let it be. If it is only status quo or slightly bad, there is where it is more difficult. I am learning to do that too.

No luck.

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We ended up being too busy to make it to the VA yesterday. This morning was open, so after a few other things were managed, we went to the hospital. The patient advocate was available right away. I first asked the question I needed to know, namely, whether a doctor was expected to tell the truth when dealing with medications and with his patients. What I received was a weak, ‘yes, probably, usually, maybe’ answer. Not exactly starting out well, still, I went on. I described my situation and my suspicion, I indicated what had transpired between my doctor and myself, my nurse and myself, and what has been happening with me in the last month or so. I told him that I had let my doctor know I was having difficulties on our first visit, but was told nothing would change, neither the changes I requested nor the changes the doctor wanted. The advocate then looked my prescriptions up, indicated that nothing had changed, and kept just saying that same thing, pretty much. I told him that the dosage I was taking was higher than what was indicated, and that my nurse was also under the impression I was on more (she is the one who fills my med-sets, and I am honest with her about changes (which are on her computer, I think, anyway)). He said not only do the records say I am on less than what I believed (15 instead of 20 mg), but that I have been since before my last doctor left. There was no talking to him, he read what was on his machine and that was that. I asked if the medications, further, could be ordered at a lower dose than what was showing on his screen. He re-read the screen and says something like, ‘it does not indicate that’.

I let him know that I was quitting my medications and thanked him for his time. He wanted to discuss this more but I saw no reason to do so. He asked if I wished that he contact someone in the doctor’s office, and I indicated that there would be no need. My mother nodded to him, thinking I could not see her. I glanced at her, then back at the man, and said “NO”. I am being screwed and I do not wish to drag this thing out. The patient advocate is pretty much just a talking bobble head. The person he wanted to call is decent, but has no power. It is done. I will take these weakened meds, without the high blood pressure pills to additionally weigh them down, and just do what I can until they run out. I am on my own, again. At least I know there is something that could help. Unfortunately or not, I am not willing to self medicate. (I am sure I could not do that, and in fact, I generally do not mess with prescribed meds except to take less at times for the most part). Urhm, barring when they change my dosage without telling me or my nurse, reformulate the pills they have me on to be much less potent than they should be, and pretty much act like I am just supposed to like it. Still, they write the scripts, I will be out before too long anyway, and I will not buy illegally.

The only way I would consider coming back is if they somehow figure out I am not coming in, figure it out, and call, then 1.) put me back on the dosage I have been on (regardless of what a computer says), 2.) write a prescription that I can fill at a pharmacy myself (and be sure about), and 3.) probably assign me a new doctor, not a psychopathogen, a real doctor, and one who will follow my original regimen and work honestly within it. Yeah, I am not holding my breath either. If this year turns into pure agony while trying to take my classes without medication, I will just go retire when it is over. I will make it through this term, have no doubt. I will finish my classes to the best of my ability. I know that untreated high blood pressure is bad, but I cannot take the medication by itself. A shortened if sweeter life, if that is what is called for, is what I get. This puts everything up in the air. I certainly will not be staying in this area if this is the way it is, but I will not know for certain for a while, and that on top of the potential end to any chances at a career. Frustrated, I think, is the polite term for it. Oh well, I guess I should have expected it.

My mother left today. My house is clean! I am amazed what she can do in such a short amount of time. I hope to just keep it this way, for the most part. I will not be cooking anymore, and I hope to try and stay on top of anything else quickly. With a little space, less clutter, and a fresh start, perhaps it is possible. No, I am not holding my breath on this either. But is hope not actually for times of doubt? I hope so. Think about it. :p

My morning reads.

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Every morning, sometimes several times during the day, I view blogs and news sources looking for interesting tidbits and thought germs from which to begin personal thought threads and comments. I go to blogs, some of which are as much as 90 degrees off my port or starboard bow. Occasionally I look back, to see what is headed my way and what is going in the opposite direction, and of course I look forward at obstacles, man-made and otherwise. To be sure, I pilot a ship of fools. I have no passengers or crew, however, so my discretional latitude is much greater. And, no, I never really know for sure. Like everyone else, I am making it up as I go along. The difference from many out here, however, is that I do have a moral compass, a bearing which is fundamental, and a King with Whom I have a healthy relationship and trust and Who’s orders I do my best to obey. My tools of travel, however, are far from perfect (within my hands and in the here and now). Storms come and blow me off course, sometimes I cannot tell where I am or where to go, and sometimes my compass is off due to mechanical failures.

This morning, I was reading an article by Vox. In ‘Counterpush’, Vox indicates that it takes the opposition party (to a position) to actually see the thing through. The discussion that Democrats have lead us into most modern wars*, despite their peacenik self definition. The notion that it took Nixon to visit China, despite our supposed anti-communism. And among other things, that it took a Republican to see the Feds buying Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac (see my note on this one). I must say, however, that much of this comes from having a congress and a president in opposition. It makes those things which seem to be in opposition receive the headlines (note also that Nixon got us out of Vietnam, a more typically Republican action, among a few others). I must assume that every Republican, even if they are genuinely conservative, has notions which conservatives will generally disagree with. And, beyond that, the fact is in a democratic republic, every leader has to pick their battles. Giving in, or even joining in or initiating, a non-conservative policy is not only likely, it will have to happen. Further, even if a conservative candidate makes it to the White House and with a conservative congress, the truth is these people also are there to serve all Americans, including “liberals”. And, as I suggested before, the press is going to remember the seemingly contrary to party affiliation actions and ignoring all of the things done in step with what is expected (except at election time).

I continue to be amazed by the success of Sarah Palan. McCain has succeeded in pushing the Republican Party into the quota era. It is so 70’s. I suppose I should be happy they have not added lava lights as their favored lighting units. As the Democrats chose a (ever “better”) other minority. It does show two other things, however. First, it shows women are at least as sexist as men, and unwisely so, due to the last decades of indoctrination in public education to private schools (a definite plug for home-schooling here). It also shows that women, overwhelmingly, have been waiting to be “conservative”. Sadly, it is too late and their enjoining is done in such a way so that it helps undo what they wish to be party to. To this point, however, given the indoctrination, they have been (seemingly) voting against the system rather than for Democrats. I think their lust for socialism has waned as they finally understand that no state can impose actual equality (thus my belief that their sexism is unwise).

This election is interesting, however. It is the beginning of the end of the West as we have known it. Whether this is merely the final straw, the beginning of a transition, or the end game, I cannot be sure. It marks a distinctive change. Atlas has shrugged, and what has held the world on it’s shoulders is letting go and preparing to fade away. There is no other, his sons are metrosexuals at best, his interest and strength have faded, his old rights as servant and master of his domain have been decayed to the point of irrelevance, and his time is nearly through. The dark ages (or some believe Armageddon) are upon us again. If politics does not indicate this to you, financial matters should. Do you really think, when the world’s markets collapse, that the governments in power will be able to maintain social order while remaining free? If you have faith in the world, you are lost. Only faith in what is beyond is of import. That last, for me, may well be about to be tested.

Of course, I sometimes wonder if I am a catastrophe monger. I sometimes think I see the potential for the negative more so than the positive. I sometimes wonder if I see shadows when there is nothing there at all. And, though all of those are potential, I also think I have a rather level head. I have survived some harsh things. I did not do that because I lose my head. Then again, I do look at the possibilities and threats. What I see as possible (and to some degree make plans to mitigate) do not always or even usually happen. But this is different. I do not see this as possible, I see this as probable. Beyond, it is so big, there is little I can do. Planning for three days or even a year or two will not be enough. Having three thousand rounds for 10 guns will not be enough. Having survival skills will not be enough. All of those things, plus having some kind of fall back community one can live within, and being “willing” to survive are what this will take. And, given all, I am not sure I will do well. As I have said though, I could be wrong. On the upside, feminism will end, socialism is over, however capitalism may well be based on bullets more so than anything else. The old school capitalism of survival of the fittest in the most literal sense may well be the way of the future. If you want your chance to become a king by your own hand, the future is for you.

Bah! That was fun. But no real worries. I love writing fiction. Of course, you do realize, fiction is just forward (and past) looking potential. *laughs*

* I would say all wars have been Democrat lead, as I consider President Bush (I and II) to be Democrats, the political landscape having slid that far over the cliff into the chasm of lefism and statism, arguing both are closer to Kennedy than even Ike but especially closer to Kennedy than Reagan.

Yes, something is really wrong.

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After cutting my medicines back to what does not cause me exhaustion, I can tell the medicine has been changed. I am not sure how much they have been cutting or how long they have been doing it. I do know it will stop or I will quit their system. I may need to find another medical provider. I have social security, supposedly part A and B, and as a student, I might have access to that system. However, both are socialized forms, and tied with the U of I. Hospitals and Clinics (where most V.A. doctors research). I think they might even act like doctors in the various places as well. You can see the problem, perhaps. My mother is coming for a visit soon. I am going to ask her to go in with me when I begin breaking heads. I would love to end a few careers, but doctors are too well protected, especially in the socialized side of things.

It will take a few days, at least, to get the blood pressure medicines out of my system. So, I will be pretty lackluster until that happens. And, though I am taking the methylphenidate, I believe it is of a greatly reduced efficacy, if it is not sugar pills whole cloth, so I will receive no boost there. Frustrated would be a nice word for these events. And, I will keep it there. Understand, if I could punish this doctor, five minutes alone with him would see the thing done. He would never malpractice medicine again, either, though he would live, and know fear. I would complete his indoctrination.

I have been writing about politics, both here and at other people’s blogs. I suppose one might say I am cynical. And more, perhaps that I am a bitter pill due to boredom or disability. Oh, and some could say worse. But the truth is, I do not mind things, to an extent, within reason. I simply see what I see and say what I see. I am frustrated with being lied to, not so frustrated with the truth of things, that might be true as well. I understand we do not live in a properly function world, where perfection is a reality. I am far too tired to get excited about something I can do nothing about. It is difficult to become animated about living in a pop-culture society with a collective two second memory, little education, few social, moral, or ethical constraints, or the reality that I can almost sometimes be a part of that yet just not quite (anymore, at the very least). I think, should I be angry, it would be at the fact that I cannot be a part of that. While all the little nihilists of Satan run and play and kill, I am stuck here knowing they are wrong, so not fitting in, and not joining in all their games. Well, that might be a little harsh, or not. Most are going to Hell, and enjoying it. No, I suppose I do not even believe they are enjoying it, they are only convincing themselves that they are having fun. Drinking until they vomit, what a joy! Doing drugs until the wee hours of the mind, then overdosing to end the pain, how fun! Having sex with this and that partner, this and that way, until they find things on them or get too old so that they can never have children and their life has become much shortened, living only to give it back in revenge or to try and hook a mate anyway, what a great life! Yeah, I think I can skip that. And, perhaps it is not so bad to sit some things out, even when it might not seem true. The children playing Lord of the Flies only look like they are having fun.

The good side is, in spite of all my woes, doubts, disturbing understandings, and other difficulties, I do enjoy the crosses I bear and the real joys I do know. I pick up the crosses and as often as I can I have a smile on my face and a kind word to share in the process. I love having people to love, even as I worry about them body and soul. I enjoy realizing I am wrong, because it means I know right from wrong and I have another chance to try to do the right thing. I even enjoy that I sin, it means beyond right and wrong, I know even more and I have a Man to give it to and know where to find him. Though it means my penalty for such is greater, it means I know my limitations, and accept them, on my knees. Crippled, saddled with hostile and dishonest doctors, trying to work through an engineering degree, with only a foot on Earth with the other in the grave and on the way to heaven, I can honestly say, it is good. My faith allows that.

As I have tried to indicate, I am not a bitter, angry, destroyed man. But, what I see is not good and I do not bandy words with wit-losses, saters, or evildoers of any sort, let alone their drones. I do not lend footing through fairness and balance to notions which have not goodness too them. I do not negotiate right and wrong so that fools and malcontents may continue to live like animals without having their feelings hurt. I do not suffer the words and deeds of fools, and it shows. On the other hand, I suffer fools within that constraint, for I must. Even when I am alone, I am with one. Further, who but the greatest fool wishes to be alone? Bother, I am not even truly grumpy, if a little distant at times. Just in case you ever wondered. Now scoot.

I am still having difficulty.

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I am suspicious of my doctor, as I have indicated. I suspect he may have altered my medical regimen without telling me, specifically, I believe he lied. Between his aggressive initial contact with me to my nurse wanting to use the new medicine, rather than the older medicine (a change in how she has typically done things), and her indication that the doctor had suggested I might be becoming less functional, I am left to believe this is probably the truth. I have been trying to figure this out, then what to do about it, while trying to do my school work. It has not been a simple task, as it has been and is like walking on ice unexpectedly. Yet, I have a plan.

First, this coming week, I will be paying a visit to the patient advocate at the VA hospital. I will also be attempting to make contact with my “doctor’s” supervisor. As well, I will be contacting another agent within my “doctor’s” department, an agent I have worked with previously. After these are on trek, I will be contacting my “doctor” directly. Further, until this thing is arranged properly, I will end all medicines save that which has helped. And, yes, I will be letting people know what I am doing and why. Perhaps I am wrong. If so, it does not matter. And, I might get a change I feel I need, in either case.

School has been difficult. I am unable to get up on schedule, concentration has been difficult, and this thing is falling apart. I will do it, I think. I will make it, and push on. But, I have lost my ability to exercise. I am quite frustrated. Let me, again, suggest that you people really do not want socialized medicine. Especially in an age when doctor’s have decided that truth is unnecessary as a part of their work.

I am doing another thing, though. I was reading a blog (a good blog by the way) and came across a discussion about the housing difficulties. I had been looking at houses in the area, more just fantasizing than anything. But, with the two, I decided to check into the thing in earnest. All I can say is, they are hungry for buyers! Though I was a bad boy, and felt the need to get a bankruptcy two and a half years ago, my credit is actually relatively good at this point, at 6.77 (whatever that means). I also found that buying a house would cost me less than my current rent. In a buyers market, with this interest, I might be able to aggressively seek a house that is a particular steal, so that I end up paying a lot less than rent for a better home by far than my last check of such. I am already approved for a hefty chunk of change (and even offered more, lots more, more than I could possibly repay, are these people crazy? do they never learn?). As well, I have located an real estate agent who works purely for me and will avoid the double dipping agents. I am rather amazed what can happen in three days.

I have a lot on my plate, but as I said, I am reconfiguring my medicine. This may help, if it leaves my high blood pressure, again, untreated. At least temporarily. I am hoping to figure this out, dig further into a home loan, attempt to hang on in school, and figure out if this temporary arrangement will allow me to begin doing some exercising. Damn, every time I get close, the VA seems to try and kick my legs out from under me. I think they really want to hold their 100% permanent and totally disabled. Do they think they, now, own us?

Never forget 9/11?

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It has already been forgotten, and put on a back shelf. Fear of another attack was high, now it too is gone. What we have left is a campaign for president in which we have someone who supports the continued war against the perpetrators of 9/11 versus a “man” who would have immediately dialed Bin Laden and asked for parley. We have a man who himself would have retaliated, probably no better or worse than President Bush versus a man who would have offered reparations to solve the issues of our transgression (yours and mine, not his per se). We have come so far in 7 years, we might as well not have been attacked, thanks to a president who did what was necessary, obviously. Actually, we have lost ground on social and fiscal grounds and internationally, apparently returning to the hippie 60’s and 70’s era politics. Hopefully, in another 10 or 20 years, most of that disease will be dead, some of them buried, others just stinking up the place as they always have.

I still remember Democrats complaining out of one side of their mouth that President Bush was not doing enough. He sent too few troops, even McCain joined them here. As the President knew, I suspect, the full force of the military could not be tied to one spot, and a spot very far away. With real nuclear and other WMDs in these modern times, and with the probability that muslims own these, the risk was too great. Sending what we did was a very risky, if necessary, thing. As well, the possibility that troops would be needed elsewhere, even domestically, had to be given weight in considerations. Once more surety was had, more troops went, if not “exactly” when it had become clearer that they were secure there might be arguable. Though, when facing muslims with WMDs, how safe is it, ever? As for delivering democracy to Iraq, I actually think that was a forced issue. Part of the propaganda (yes, it happens on both sides) for the war was this notion, I think he was held to it by the very people who opposed the invasion, a talking point and expense by our communists, not a humanitarian issue. They would happily see our troops die in vast swaths (and try to make it so when they have a president or just congress (Somalia, U.N. run Yugo thing, de-funding of South Vietnam, demands for the withdrawal from Iraq, etc.), and they would happily welcome another Katrina, though they need a democratic controlled state so that the incompetence of the thing can be placed at the feet of D.C. While, out of the other side of their mouths, they were complaining that he was not doing enough, wanting more money for everything but that which has proven to have worked. Preparedness only goes so far, especially when channeled through the corrupt Democratic Principalities, such as NYC and such. Spending money preparing for an attack while attempting to de-fund an offensive defense has proven foolish, and the elections may well bear this out, if they follow the logic of the thing in that our wars and current laws have prevented attacks while preparing for the attacks (all that extra money spent) has done nothing.

I am amazed that in the time since the attack, Americans have moved further from God, from country, and closer to the leftism which has both invited the attack and welcomed it. The nation seems more split, with a stronger Democratic party than before, at least if it had not been for the sparing between minority groups vying for the main office. John McCain would be a Democrat in any other age of America, and a left leaning one at that. He is not another President Bush, he is an L.B.J to Bush's Kennedy-like style perhaps. Whatever, he is creepy. And Palin is the democrat’s and feminist’s so called dream woman, one they could never produce however, often due to the rest of the soft issues the left has in connecting with mainstream Americans, or lying to them well enough to get past that. And, the left has underestimated the sexism involved. Those women who would have voted for Hillary, were, many of them, voting for the vagina. Have no doubts. If she had been Rice, I bet the black vote, too, would have become divided as well. Only "minorities" may be unimpeachably prejudiced in this nation, legally and morally, anyway, and according to the left.

Yes, 9/11 has been forgotten. The victims are buried. Unlike broadcasters who, even today, said they did not want to call them victims, as if that sullied their name, I call the people who died that day what they were! (On Fox, you know.) A new building is going up, being planned, whatever. A crescent shaped memorial, pointing correctly to satisfy the most ardent muslim, is underway for the victims of flight 93 (last I heard, thanks for that people, appeasement is so tasty, like key-lime cyanide pie). And, the American people are voting for a socialist pig and feminist who might defend them versus a muslim communist pig who most certainly will not defend them. And, I am left to write this, hoping it will not get me arrested. Still, as someone once pondered aloud, half in query, maybe it does not get better than this?

No worries, until they knock on my door and take me away (and maybe even then), I can still laugh about some of it (come on, dumbo, the three stooges parodies when Hillary was still in, anything Mugambe, I mean, Obomber says, most of the arse seeking reporter reports (those noses look like shoe polish has been applied), the foolishness of the thing (even if it is sad to see a horse die, watching it run IN TO a burning barn can be considered humorous should nothing be possible to stop or alter the thing, if darkly… I can do that), and watching feminists rip themselves to shreds deciding if Palin is, indeed, a woman (reminds me of the 60’s to 70’s Olympics gaffes, with three judge's hands down a “female” Russian Olympian, one saying “It’s a boy”, another, “It’s a girl”, a third saying “It’s both!”). If I were a monkey, like one of the runners-up in the "most stupid" contest, but in a cage where I belonged, I would be flinging merde and laughing the whole time. I suppose as a gaffer, I am predisposed to gaffs, suspicion, doubts, and a decent share of humor, if some of it dark. Still, that 9/11 has been lost on a people who could be great and who have shown grace and wisdom at times, it is a bitter pill, one of the saddest I have had to swallow.

I almost thought about just saying what I think, but decided against it. Anyway...

School and yes, some politics.

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Physics is going well. That is to be expected. It is basic physics, a semester long recap of the 2 semester high school equivalent. Still, I has been over 20 years since I took this material, barring the C- accelerated physics I (for engineers), which left me reeling. I learned nothing and could not keep up, so I really do not count that. Of course, there was a LOT of cheating going on in that class. Everything from talking during the test to pre-set calculators. I am not sure how I would have done in a fair fight. Unimportant, I have to do what I can. Still, since I expect to do better, I do put in the time, and I have a decent mind, I decided to take a lower physics course to get a needed refreshment of the material before trying to slog through the second engineering physics course. I am quite pleased I did, I think now, that though I am a quick study, there were little gaps in my understanding. So far this is a simple class. I am sure, if I do not keep on top of it however, that the complexity could build quickly. I would like to go in and talk to the TA’s in any case, just to make sure I am staying on track and perhaps get advice on extra study. I want to nail physics down, and perhaps begin to rethink it to include calculus based physics. I honestly like physics, as I thought I had remembered. It is good to see a memory prove out.

Probability and statistics for engineers, on the other hand, is a bit of work. I will need to get in to the lab they offer, and begin tinkering after doing that and from that. I am willing to do extra problems, to think about the material, and to work hard, but I will not be able to do that solo. I believe I can get this material. My worry is remembering all of the various functions and how they work and interact. The mathematics involved, to this point, is rather simple (if it would be extremely time consuming to do by hand). There are many details, quite a few variations within variations, such as permutations and combinations having various ways of solution, depending on how many of the sample space components are used, for example. I am really nervous about this, but I think I can do well. And, as with physics, I wish to do well in this class. If I am to have any hopes of graduate school, then on into research and development, this material is vital.

My illness seems to keep coming back. The sniffles here, a bit of fever there, a cough now and again, and exhaustion all around. All but the exhaustion are rather fleeting. I am not sure what to do about it, I know the doctor, as far as I can trust him, would just say “Drink more fluids.”, or “Rest more and stay indoors when it is cool.”, or something equally useless. They have no clue and do not want one. I think, where I am concerned, they are unwilling to help. I think they would like to cut ties, I am not even a good guinea pig as I do not take medicines as regularly as they would like and will veto anything that simply does not work. I also actually expect to be treated honestly and well, neither seems to be available where I go. It used to be a good hospital, then they merged it with Des Moines, folding it into that rather than the other way around, and they ruined it. I think they did not want any body getting better treatment than anyone else. Well, that is social medicine I guess. I think they work to keep me out of school. It is sort of like the new reservation. Success, work, and education are a threat to their bureaucracy. Believe what you will.

I keep waffling, regarding the election. John McCain is a socialist, and not the best of the lot. Sarah Palin seems to be as well, with her tax on “oil revenues”. She is a skirt socialist, it is something she has absolutely no control over. (Remember when your Mom made sure everybody got the exact same thing, the same amount, or the same time, regardless of reality or creativity? Yeah, like that.) And, the Republicans keep offering RINO candidates over and over and over again? I am not sure if they are 1.) edging toward the leadership of progressives 2.) in league with progressives and trying to destroy the Republican party 3.) absolutely out of their minds 4.) all of the above. They have chosen, and offered, poorly.

And yet I cannot help but see a communist for what he is. His color matches his intent. His stated religion belies his words, even if his handler “helped” him out. A nation, our nation, under Obomber would resemble any European socialism, and could end up reflecting far worse. The only thing that has kept this nation, so far, out of true socialist/communist statism has been either a “conservative” president or congress. The rest of the government is gearing up for a full fledged house of horrors. Many of the bureaucracies are without solid realistic oversight, the IRS is way out of bounds, the ATF and even the “forest rangers” now have militarized hit squads (and they have been busy). The CIA, and the military (in the wrong hands), are not our friends. They would kill whoever, passing out band-aids to whoever survived or accidentally got in the way, then play “kiss and make up” afterwards, and at the point of a gun. And the FBI is whatever the president says it is. There is far too much government, just waiting to “serve us”, to be left in the hands of a man who honestly most likely hates most of us. He has no choice, given who he works with. What he owes to the people who brought him to this point is every American’s worst nightmare. Black Theology, Marxist socialism and communism, re-education, eliminations. Make no doubt, this man is bad to the bone, rotted to the soul, and altogether evil. Hell, he even has the press purring for him. Imagine if Stalin had not needed to develop his propaganda, or enforce it. That is what we have with the news, FOX included.

The only reason I seem to be swaying towards a vote for McCain is because I am not sure a vote for Obomber or no vote would end up eliminating actual elections, if they are not already finished. After the last 4 cycles, I am wondering if the best we can hope for is a slower march into totalitarianism with people like Bush I, Bush II, McCain, and who knows next, or a plunge into dark times with a dark candidate, or woman. The Republican party deserves, needs to be, stomped out of existence and rebuilt from the ashes. I just do not think this is the time for it. The odds are too high for a complete loss of the little choice we do have.

Many of the middle class liberals I know are complaining that their lot in life has not increased in the last 10 years. They are finding bills are getting larger compared to pay. And, that may be true. Has any of them stopped to wonder why? It is because the Bushes and Clinton were all socialists. What they have implemented is bringing us ever closer to a complete socialism. What socialism always does is split the rich from the poor at greater and greater levels. It happens every time, whenever socialism becomes dominant. At some point, if the nation continues, the rich become a small easy plum, ripe for the picking. Then it is called communism. They are not different, just different points in the disease. And, we are fairly well infected. Tipping point though? Close.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I have been placed on placeboes.

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I am going to check and see if I can find a place that will test the efficacy of medications, suggesting that I may have a bad batch. These medicines are not working, at all. With the change in doctors and his hostility toward my regimen added to what is ended up a dump in capacity, I have a right, or obligation, to suspicion. If I find this to be the case, I will withdraw from all medications, school, and begin making other plans. I will, of course, let you know. I am that suspicious, and pretty sure, but it will take some testing. Usually, when I take the medication, I do not feel this wiped out. Currently, whether I take the medication or not, I am extremely tired. Of course, there is the potential that the medicine stopped working right about the time I got the new doctor.

I have not regained any bounce since getting over being sick. I can barely get myself motivated, I have little energy when I do, I can sleep on these medicines (which I have not been able to do to now). Forget working out. Forget extra time at school. Though I can stay awake longer periods of time (think, regular day), it is ‘just barely’ to ‘sometimes not quite’. If my suspicions are wrong, I am in trouble. If they are right, I am likewise in trouble. At least if I am correct, I know what is going on. And yes, if they are tinkering with me, I will do what I had told them before, I will dump all the medicines, quit school, and head out.

Children

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I happened to be goofing, then I turned on the tube for some background sound. After flicking through the channels, I landed on something that sounded interesting. Then I became interested enough to actually watch occasionally. Then, I became glued to the darned thing. I started watching something about an accident. The story, as I was finding out, dealt with an accident in which several people were killed and several were injured. Two of the young women in the accident seem to have been mistakenly identified. One had died the other had been severely injured. The families are interviewed, long after the fact, and yet you can see the trauma. The pain they felt then creeps into the now of the time of the interview. How much they lost, the mother’s, father’s, and sisters is incredible. And then I realized something. As painful as it seemed, I am absolutely sure none of them would have rather not had the daughter. How much love must there be to, without any contest, to go through that kind of pain rather than not?

I know that wealth of grace is something I desire. I do not lust for it. I do not wish to own it, as I see from the interviews it is not something that is owned. I only wish to see it myself. I somehow do not think I will go through that sort of pain, necessarily, though I know there will be pain. I will never be able to love without pain, and great pain. It is a part of the deal. But, should I find a way to a full home and great love and lose it all, I know I will still have been a richer man by far. With faith, I also know I will have pleased my God, if I would also begrudge Him their presence.

I have already known loss. I have lost so many. Some of those were too close too lose. I have died with those. Even those who were not that close took little pieces of me. Friends, kin, and blood, lost. I cry, even now, when I forget not to go too far. And yet, I think my children would be closer than anything I have know, as well as my spouse, if in a slightly different way. Sometimes I wonder if I ask for more than I should. I wonder how much more I can lose, how much more I should risk losing. Still, that is precisely what I beg.

I think I will pray for all parents. Whether they must suffer the loss of a child or not, I only pray that they may know the worth of what they have and let that lead them to be the best parents they can be. I pray that their leadership guides their children to right choices. What an amazing gift they have been given. I hope they do not have the hubris to think they were the makers. I hope they understand, regardless of probability, they did not choose, they are not able to make such choices. They only opened themselves up to such an event, wisely or not. The child is, of it’s own accord, as God has allowed. An amazing grace.

If this makes me a fool, if it should come to fruition, I will be a happy fool.

Sick

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Sick, not as in the term cool, this means unhealthy. The first week of school was very difficult. The work was not that bad, I was only taking 3 classes, now down to 2 classes, yet I could not seem to get going. I finally figured it out. Monday I started suffering the sniffles. I had a noticeable cough by last Friday. Then it dawned on me, I was sick. I was very sick. I took my temp, 99 to 100 F. I think I was sick all of last week and most of this week. I am still weak, tired, and concentration is difficult.

I made it through the weeks though. I attended all but one class. I have completed my homework to date. And I think I did ok on the quiz Friday. I have not been working out or swimming. I really need to get back to it. I have been getting up early, before 6:00 most days, even knowing I would not be going swimming. I have also been trying to make sure to eat twice a day. I would like to add a breakfast, but I think I will wait until I begin swimming again. It was such a tough few weeks, I could not figure it out. I think I was pretty sick, odd that I did not realize it.

The illness was not all of it. My fears had crept in. Being in 100 people plus classes, walking from class to class through large crowds, worry about understanding, trying to study through the seeming boredom, worry about testing, and things like that add to the difficulty. I think boredom, in these cases and for me, is just a form of exhaustion caused from ill use of my facilities in these matters. Yes, my brain just gets tired. I think, once I get my feet under me again, I will do fine. Actually, I am doing fine. I was just struggling with more than I knew.

I keep running into political notions, few of which are worth my time. I am coming around to the idea that voting for McStupid may be the only practical and realistic option. He is moderate, he will do no better than President Bush regarding illegal aliens, Supreme Court justices (beyond, I do not think he can be forced to make the right decision with the judiciary), U.N. involvements, quota and preferential treatment (obviously, I think he has something kinky going with his mom?), and any of a dozen other issues. In these, he will be little different from Obomber. I am no more enamored of his international style than I am of either President Bush or Obomber. President Bush was overly cautious (and perhaps optimistic). McCain would be even more timid, and worse, a bit more regimented. He would forget that he is president and try to play general (where Obomber would just do things, like Clinton, which unwisely and unnecessarily endanger our troops purely out of spite for being a geek, snob, and loser who never could have cut it, without quotas, in the service).

What does McStupid bring to the game? He is not AS leftist as Obomber. He would not, after being attacked like on 9/11, decide to ask what concessions could be made to his friends and family, I mean the enemy, so as to become friends. He is not quite as anti-business, though I think his whole green platform is outrageous, anti-business and anti-American in it’s notion and implementation. His reforms, to date, seem based on stripping the Constitutional rights of citizens to free speech, plugging up outside sources of income for the political processes (which the left immediately dodged, while conservatives are just catching up, great reform… just makes sure only those which can afford a law firm, pressure groups, PACs, and special interest groups behind them can run, thanks McIdiot!). Well, there are a few things, somewhere.

He is as good of a solution as a spare tire. He is a little short, a little odd, not up to par, not up to speed, but he will not roll backwards (or very far very fast). Obomber is a set of race car tires… which magically only go the opposite direction the driver needs to go. They might as well have Malcom X (yes, I know how the idiot actually spelled his name) up for election. And, honestly, as long as he was black, I do not think the left would care who or what he stands for, except Clarence Thomas… they want an Uncle Tom, nothing else will do. They ARE voting for color, and the least of it. They even believe he is “beautiful”. I bet they love the orcs in Lord of the Rings, too.

I might have been sick, but at least I am not grumpy.

Drats!

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Everything is closed today, right? Funny. I can get some extra studying done. I will not be able to swim or complete my administrative functions at school. I do have my drop and change slips printed and ready, all I need is to get those signed and turned in. Over this weekend I copied my notes for legibility and as a form of study, looked over the material generally, and continued with my pre-study materials as well (now just additional study material, of course). I can continue my studies today. And, of course, I can lift weights. Talk about a false start though, I was up and rearing to go, a bit early to top it off. Still, it is good to be up and going. Now to see if I can do it the rest of the week.

I will no longer be discussing politics. There is no reason to do so. I am fully divested from the political factions available, for their part. And, I suppose, I should be pleased with this. I live completely by faith from now on, as the mechanisms of power have become dysfunctional within my grasp. I cannot say which candidate, short or long term, is worse, only that they are both less than tolerable. It causes me no small pain to have the last nail set to the coffin. I once had hope that men could choose wisely, could lead themselves rightly, and that Americans had become better and different under the Constitution. The men have been bought, selling themselves for a value less than their worth. The men have chosen the weak and women to lead. And the Constitution is not worth reading, it is no longer functional. What of it exists in law is akin to fountain pens, merely stylistic or nostalgic. It is simply an antique.

I have other things to do. So, I will not bemoan the loss of a real hope. The nation lasted more than 200 years, a benchmark set by an ancient Greek regarding democracies (though often falsely attributed to more recent folk). Men are idiots, and prove it when they have the chance. Power seeks it’s own council. And all things must pass. Unfortunately, or not, there is no place to go. As the light goes out here, so goes the last flicker of freedom in a very cold, dark, dangerous world. As with China, Germany, Russia, and the others, we are about to learn that we have more to fear from our own government than we ever will from other nations.