Up and going.

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My sleep, as usual, has been a bit off. I have been struggling to keep days and nights correct, and doing fairly well all in all. But I was beginning to lose that battle. I think the fighting has tipped in my favor again. Stress, or certain stresses, really mess up my programming. When I have too many things that are messy on my plate, some parts just shut down. I think the biggest mess was the apartment. The remnants of that are the next, and school. But those are relatively easy.

I am still recovering from moving, to be honest, so not a lot will probably get done today. I may try to find beans for chili, and perhaps spices and such. I have asked a couple of people for a chili meal soon. They both drink beer and shoot. One is going for his doctorate and one is retired. They are both picky, so might not like each other, and I do not care. It is about food and some social mixing. Now to get a few women to visit. That would probably shut them both up. I do not even think women looking for love would be necessary. As grumbly as we men can be, a lady or two around settles some things sometimes. I will work on that. Who knows anyway, single women who are not looking for love are sometimes the perfect women to be around to find what is not sought. Tricky that way, yes they are! Rabbits, I say, with teeth like ^^^^ this!

I have gotten back into gaming a bit. Guild Wars is the thing. Not that many would understand, but I have seven mains, 5 or 6 of them through all campaigns and able to hench and hero through most quests, missions, and caps hard mode if I want or need. There are still things in the game too technical for me, believe it or else. I have 3 characters who I could suit up for just about anything but it is not fun to have to run a perfect game. I do not wish to work (too hard) at a game. I have nearly as much money, in game, as a character can have, all the max weapons for each attribute per character, several sets of armor apiece at least, etc. I wonder how much the game would be worth. Might be a small fortune or might be nothing these days. I know one kid, back when, who sold a game account for enough to get him through college (state college, but still... an engineering prospect back in Iowa City).

Oh, I have been praying a bit more regularly as well. Oddly, with this shut down, all communication ability seemed to shut down. I personally did not shut down and kept going if slower than I would have liked. That was a weird one. I do not think that is as bad as a total shutdown, if it has it's own frustrations.

Well, back to doing little. :P Have a great day.

Alive and 260.

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I really froze up there. Might still be a bit tight, but I think I am coming back to life. I finally did get everything moved, but I did not vacuum the floor. The rest was in pretty good shape. I had my former neighbor help. He could not do much, but just having someone there helped me do the work. It is horrible to be so distracted. I need a wife who can be bossy when needed. When needed, of course, will be debatable. :p

I am down to 260 pounds. When I headed here, I was 303 or 305. I have not been doing much differently, eating wise. Perhaps I have been eating more. But, when I am off the clock so to speak, I am still much more active. I get out of the house at least three times a week, I would say. And even at home, I am doing things. I just did not think I would still be losing weight. I think the lack of humidity has something to do with it, and maybe the altitude? Who knows, but I am loving it.

I still have a few things clogging up the brain drain, but I am working on bits and pieces of each, even if I have not been writing. I just ran into a wall here, for some reason. I will not swear that it is over, only that I think it is ending. I need to sort the boxes I brought here and put some of that in storage. I have already gone through about a quarter of it. I need to send out the chain letter to those who said they would. I need to get over to college and talk to them. I need to prepare for my lady friend's visit and get a small gift or three. I have been calling my Mom, or more, calling her back. She does worry, and fairly.

I bought a new chair for the computer room and it is comfortable. The chair here was fine, but being wooden and somewhat antique (and nice, actually), I did not wish to harm it. I am trying to be as good to this place as I can. The rent and utilities are fantastic for what I am getting. With someone renting the old place now, life will normalize a bit both in my mind and in my finances. It was worth an extra month's rent to get into this, trust me, and for many reasons.

I did have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with the family of my former neighbor. It was quite nice to be in a family setting with rather easygoing people over a fine meal. The food was quite good and I enjoyed the company. Our hostess needed emergency surgery the day before, but she was out of bed and there, though her daughters, husband, and son I think all pitched in to do the cooking. She was a bit pale and moved slowly and ate lightly, but gall bladder removal if better than it was is still quite a thing.

I bought and actually gave my first Christmas present today. I bought a tumbler for my former neighbor, for shining up the spent brass he reloads (ammunition reloader). He was thinking of buying that, but needed warm shirts. He was a bit torn and nervous about the money. So, I simply got him to buy the shirts and grabbed the device. I just hope he does not think he owes me. As you get older, it is funner to give than receive, especially with my tastes. I despise most gifts, as if I am going to buy something, I buy good stuff, really good. Outside of the range of most gift givers. I know, I know, but that is the way of it. And I will not wear ugly clothes! Doh! I have my Mom, my lady friend, and that is about all that is left on my list. I may do one of those tree gift things, for families in need. I will have to look at my finances first.

Well, that is it in not so much of a nutshell. I hope your lives have been good? I have been keeping many of you in my prayers. Your lives, worries, thoughts, and joy cross my mind fairly often. Oh well, perhaps I am sentimental or a bit fruity, but I like to think I just enjoy people.

Good night.

Yeah, well...

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A few things done. I did find the tools. Yeah! I also went grocery shopping and bought enough for the month. I obtained plenty of boxes. I reestablished a link with my bank online. And I canceled my donations to my old church so that I may start that with the new one. Tomorrow I hope to take the machine apart, pack those boxes, and maybe make it to Ogden so my friend can pick up his rifle. I know there are some other things to do, but... I do not think I can do more until Monday. Perhaps I could call and arrange a meeting for next week with a college guidance councilor. It depends how much time I end up having and whether I can remember to do it. Doh!

Just scribbling and trying to let the lists I put here remind me. I am not sure what else to say. Hope your lives are going well. Take care.

Things to do.

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Trying to get back to the practical. It is never easy after... some period of off time. I need to finish the move. That will mean getting a dozen boxes and the tools to tear down one piece of equipment. That apartment is 70% skeletonized I would guess, so it is not a lot of work, just several jobs requiring different things. Next, I need to reset my online access with my old account. Not knowing what is going on with my money is a big problem, internally. And, of course, being broke is too. No doubt, one will almost by necessity lead to the other. My ex-neighbor needs a ride to pick up his new .338 Marlin express. I am hoping he will not like it. Finally, I need to get organized here.

My lady friend called, it sounds like she will be coming. I know for certain, if I had not put insurance on the tickets, she would have canceled. She might anyway. That $16 takes a load off my mind. I do not mind spending for something, but not for nothing. I have been seeing much less of my ex-neighbor. I may have made another social contact, if I can keep up contact is another thing. No one has time or interest, yet everybody seems to need contact. It is one of those dilemma things. Like water, you do not miss it until or unless you really need it.

Not much going on. Last night was my first night to sleep here. Getting used to the new sounds is always a task. I just need to get my head straight and get going. I do need to check in at school and ask to speak to an adviser and maybe a professor or two. I would like to know where I stand and where I could go, and maybe where I want to go. Unless they want me to do some of the killer stuff over, I only have engineering physics II left to do for that part. The rest will be core, in which there are several difficult classes too of course. Dream dream, but it is there.

Have a good day!

No, I am not dead yet.

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Not sure what happened, but... I did not lose track of everything. Oddly, I have been dysfunctionally functional. I have been, if still slowly, moving stuff from place to place, meeting and greeting people, and this and that. But I totally became blind to much else, like posting. I am not getting everything completed which I would like completed. And I am doing nothing as timely as I should like. And yet, bit by bit, the stuff that gnaws at me is tended. I just became deaf and mute in a way. It is like my ability to communicate, online and in real life, turned off mostly. It is different here, if I have not quite been able to corner the market on the better aspects fully yet.

Nothing new or newsy to report. Well, I am not dead. I do not know what is wrong, xactly, so fixing it is a thing for time. I think not having the apartment cleaned out is bugging me and some things which where bothering me but have been cured still slog the machine somehow (like not having the apartment rented, someone will be taking it over in December (yeah!), but it is still messing with me, maybe because I cannot seem to get out! Trapped, confused, waiting, hoping, unsure, quiet, patient, befuddled... That is all I see, it is all I know, and yet... bit by bit anyway. Not bad, I will give it a solid F for effort, with the possibility of improving that with the completion of the project. I will give it an A+ for the fact that I am still walking, working, driving, loading, eating, and grooming as is possible, in spite of having no seeming connection with the world, no taste for life let alone goals, nothing going in this cold dark place in my mind but a want for sleep. Oh, and my sleep is fairly good, dreaming ended (that I remember). I am eating twice a day (though I am not, oddly, having bm's, yet I am not impacted either). I wonder if it just takes a lot more energy to run here, in the winter, in the arid climate, at this altitude. Everything is being used. I have been eating good, but only a few bm's a week. (maybe more information than you cared to know, butt...) :0

That is it. No nut shell needed. My world is smaller than a peanut. But it is a tasty one, I am sure, if I could see flavor!

Today being Sunday, I did no work.

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Some of the choice to not work was based on religious conviction. I must be honest though, I felt like today was "safe", like in the game tag. I have been doing bits and pieces of moving as I can. I simply am exhausted and confused. I do not remember dreaming last night. But my calves, upper legs, and such, are all so sore and stiff I have been having to drive a bit more carefully. I have had to use my hand to help lift my leg off one pedal and onto the other. It has been like this for a week, though a bit worse the last few days. I have been trying to eat more and better. That does not seem to help.

I just cannot snap out of it and pull together. The good news is I do not need to do so. Reading and goofing. I finally do have it that G.K. Chesterton is supposed to be funny. I had no idea what I would be dealing with when I started to read his book. I would read along a bit and it would build. Eventually I just had to chuckle or laugh, sometimes heavily. I am nearly done with his first book, making progress in rereading the New Testament, and tinkering on the machine in a mindless time eating fashion. For right now, it is enough.

I do have some projects in mind. I would like to do some raking here. No, I was not asked to generally. Call it a sentimental act, or getting the feel for ownership or a simple homeowner pride participation device, or just a simple physical task. Tomorrow or Tuesday I will rake that lawn. Saturday, yesterday, between laundry and moving things in a bit, I did sweep the deck clean of leaves and set up some chairs and such. Who knows, maybe someone will visit and it will be warm enough to sit on the deck. It made me feel better in any case, and then got me thinking about raking the whole thing. I even know some people who merely want the bagged leaves.

Supper, I think, then maybe bed. If I can sleep. Goodnight!

The time is now.

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Watching financial moves, reading about the political football being played, and just catching on to some of the winds of the world, I realize now is a turning point in history. I might be lead to think this was born in the sixties, and to some extent it was, for here. I might go back further and point to Lenin, Stalin, Hitler, and others. And, that would be true to some extent, of course extending back to Marx. But the truth is, this battle has been waged, won, and lost many times over the course of time. But it culminates, for us and for the world, now.

There are other nearly free nations. Some of them are freer, economically, then America. Some are freer in a libertine manner. None of this will matter if the unilateral world power quits being a free power. If we fail, those nations who have attempted to emulate what we have here, however they have chosen to express it, will fall. No small flame can be lit in the rain. That flame that is the yearning of free men to be free, unless we are truly merely animals, cannot be extinguished. But it can lose voice and representation. It has before. If it does not now, it will in time.

Some of this is due to people being foolish. Some of it is born on ignorance. Some of it, of course is brought about by evil, lying, naivete, and other such things. Though it is not quite right to say that people should not look to themselves, that was actually built into our system. What is the major problem is people who choose to believe they will get something that simply cannot be had. The exchange of power for health care, a loving government, or anything else is merely a scam. It takes money from people, and power, and gives it to those who have proven again and again that they will abuse it.

If it were just the poor, the uneducated, or such, that would be one thing. When you hear a college teacher express that Biden is just so cute when he says the things he does. Or when you hear another who simply knows Obama is going to make the world better (somehow). One has to stop and wonder at all that has gone wrong to bring us to this point and what it would take to correct it. I suppose even that side knows there is a problem, if they cannot really grasp it. Their plan is euthanasia of one sort, but more likely on every front in which they can legislate it or enact it. Those of us who are appalled at the notion have no response except to fight it, and usually lose. It certainly makes me question "conservative leadership" at almost every level. How do you give real hope to people who have none and who have the vote? How do you express the fact that every day is a new chance to people who have quit? How do you tell them that there is something better than lies, death, other people's money, and taxes?

If I were a multi-gazzilionaire and saying these things, that could be put off. I am not. I am a lower income cripple. I am one of those voices who is supposed to believe my government will take care of me. I am supposed to believe the lies. I do not believe. Further, even if I thought these things could be done, I do not believe in the underlying principles required to make them true, that is stealing other people's money at an unbelievable rate, socializing medicine, and undermining whatever founding principles this nation was built on to enact these things. I am weary, my mind is boggled, what else is there to say.

Well, something is working.

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The last few days I was getting up later and the last few nights I could not sleep until early in the morning, 4:00 last night. I set my alarm for 9:00 this morning, hoping upon hope that I would rise (by noon, I am practical). Instead, I woke at a quarter to eight. I did a little damage assessment and some preps for the move, got a load ready, and here I am. Two or three loads a day should see me in good stead. I am not sleeping here yet. I like waking up with nothing to do but move. It offers incentives to get going. In this next week, I should be completely out of the apartment.

I did dream last night as well. Oddly, while I was dreaming, I was also awake enough to hear a conversation next door. At first I thought I was having two dreams at once, or that the conversation was going to become a part of it, without really understanding I was asleep. I simply could not understand what was happening. It sort of killed the dream when I realized the speaking was physical. And yet, I was not actually awake either. That is one of the odder experiences I have had in a while. Awake in mind but not in flesh. Gee, if I were not Catholic, I might have to become a shaman. Then again, I doubt if it pays as well. It might be easier to get a wife though.

More, I do not feel exhausted this morning. It may have to do with spending time here, with all the sunlight available in this place. I simply am not sure what to make of things sometimes.

The machine is moved.

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Unlike what customer service suggested, my internet did not continue at the old place past noon today. My guess is, despite what he said, they merely switched the one off when the turned the new one on. My landlady had worried, since they have not had a land line here and this is dsl (over the phone lines) that it might not work. I figured I would worry about that when the time came. No problems, as I thought. When she voiced her worry, my mother's image overlaced her image, which usually tells me it is merely a feminine neurosis thing, and for the most part to be ignored. Not that she or my Mom are always wrong, it is just that they try and put monkey wrenches into men's work, and cause us psychic tics. Bah! It has taken me years to figure that out and move on through. Oh, and mothers out there, leave your kids alone this way! If you have a worry, let them find the problem if there is one and figure it out. Putting the icy fear of God of doing ANYTHING in your kid's heads is a crime!

I feel better.

Now, on the upside, losing the internet probably allowed me to get cracking. I am, after all, an addict of no small desire. From blogging to a game or two to researching things that mean nothing and I may forget tomorrow, but which expand my felt presence in the world whole, is something I do not like being without. Even if I should not deign to use anything, access is required. I now have the machine over and set up, a couple of loads of laundry done, and a good platform to jump off for my final big push to complete my move. Although I am going to call them and make sure I am not billed for a service I did not receive. If it all works, they will have done me a favor for nothing out of my pocket.

Dreams, dreams, dreams! Where are these things coming from? It is brutal. I am becoming a zombie from exhaustion. I seem to be plagued by so many diseases which are not supposed to be diseases, I really wonder what is truly wrong with me. Could it be spirits? I doubt it, I am clean with God, though a confession is in order and a bit past due. Could it all be sleep and dream related? More sleep, or less, does not change a thing. I simply dream too much. It probably is why I am tired so often. And, to be honest, exhaustion is the only thing wrong with me. There have been times when the dreams were so real that they confused me. Not that I was clinically insane because of it, just confused. Imagine if you dreamed you went to the store and bought many things. Upon waking, you were sure you had them so you did not check when planning a special meal. On that day, you look and find you have none of the things you were sure you had. Now add in more complex things and a few heavier things.

I have had a severe life. Having no roots, not knowing my birth family, not being even in one family but having been in seven different 'family evironments'. A lot of fighting, some acting out, a disinterest in school, some tougher family situations, and some real dangers in the service. That does not help, perhaps those are the fundamental causes of the dreams. I am not sure. But I have done as much, clinically, as is possible with those issues. I have tried prescribed and over-the-counter sleep aids. Those guarantee two things... one that I will sleep, two that I will only sleep about 4 hours. The one thing that did work was taken, Ritalin. It allowed me to overcome the exhaustion, and perhaps some of the confustion and ADD like symptoms from lack of sleep, and to become active enough to function. Though, perhaps, near the end, it was losing it's potency (or they really did put me on a placebo).

One of the really good things about the house I am now in is... windows! Lots of them, plenty of light all day. There is no need for lights until it turns dark. There is a great deal more light here in Utah, even in this northern part, then there is in Iowa. It always seemed dark there. Then again, and added to that, I had my shades pulled all of the time. Too many 'people' simply ignored anything like land rights, being told to keep off the lawn, or even the police (though they were about as helpful as neutered muzzled chihuahuas). I am doing better here, I must just assume this is a part of becoming accustomed to the area. In Iowa, as I am, I would not be moving stuff, with or without internet access, I would be sleeping and for days on end. This is truly the best of the worst times I have ever had. I had this before, here, but it is better yet.

Time will tell, and though I whine and complain, I know life has gotten much better.

Oh, someone asked about my Amazon wish list. I only meant that I had made one. And yes, the name is very personalized to this blog and ID. However, I was only saying I was pleased to have been able to create it, use some of the names I like, and such. It is obscure enough that is not meant to be found by others. If you are a gazzilionaire and would like to hand me a katrillion dollars, we will talk. Though I might even turn that down. Well, okay, I might not. Ha! But I did not mean for people to look, buy me stuff, or anything like that. I am sort of weird that way. There is something about pride being bad, but this is not quite that. If I needed to beg, or thought my writing was worth something, I would publish and sell it. If you ever feel bad for me and want to do something, do this: If you have a relationship with God, lend my name to His ear when you two talk; if you do not believe, then simply think kind thoughts my way. And know to, that I believe suffering is not a complete waste. It is not a waste at all. Through suffering joy is born, treasure is stored in heaven through it whether it is experienced because of His name or merely even if it is handed as a poor man's sacrifice as I do. Suffering for it's own sake is one thing, but my suffering is not that. And, I must add, suffering is only a small part of my life. There is much good.

I blather.

*poof*

It will work out, eventually.

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Troubles in sleepland continue. I have been waking a bit late, but going to bed at a reasonable time. I am holding on, for the moment, against encroaching sleep chaos. I actually think I will make it out of troubles just fine this time. That does not mean I am as active as I would like. I am in one of those weird moods where I seem to be trying to catch my psychic breath... by holding my breath. Okay, so I think it is sort of funny. At least when I looked a little closer and saw what was happening. No wonder things are screwy. Troublesome and bothersome to be sure. But why not enjoy a little laughter in there with it?

My goal at this point is to merely hang on to days and do whatever I can in the meanwhile. This is truly one of the best "slips" I have ever had. I may be discomboobelated, disoriented, confused, and disassociated with flesh. In spite of that, I am keeping a schedule, I am getting some things done, and I could actually do a light schedule. This is unheard of to me. I am not sure if the dreaming is playing a part, but I know I dreamed again last night, heavily, if I remember next to nothing about them this time. I sense that my dreams are becoming epic. I sort of wish I could remember a few of them. My dreams are far better than most movies, or even series of movies. Take the book form of the Lord of the Rings series, make each book into a series of moves so you miss nothing, then do so for all the books, and you end up with an epic dream. Sometimes, if something interests me, like the dead king wraiths or whatever, I can find out more about them (as an example, I have not dreamed such an actual dream). And, I revisit dreams. I cannot make myself dream about one topic or another, but I can guide the dream, or out and out break it if it makes me angry. Though I like good scary ones, as I have said, so I do not change those.

I will figure it out. And if I can, which I think will happen, keep on track until I get back on my feet, I have a really good chance at expanding life here. I have not been blogging or much of anything lately. Never worry, I am fine, just a bit out of it. It is fun to have some visitors while I am 'home sick'. *chirp* Ha!

Have a great day!

I actually got to be Hell Boy.

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Dream bombed last night and through a bunch of snoozes until I turned the thing off, and then some more. Meh, being Hell Boy is just as problematic as being me, or more. It was not just one dream in which I was Hell Boy, either, it was all of them that I remember. That is simply who I was in all the dreaming that I remember, and I remember many dreams. I tried to remember one of the several dreams from last night but waking at nearly noon, the memory is gone. It was sort of funny. I awoke from the dreams and to go to the restroom enough times to know that I do actually dream all night long, to some extent, and then on into the morning. I suspect it was not the dreams which caused me to sleep so long, it was the work yesterday as I have been so sedentary lately. And I do not normally get up late at night to use the facilities, however I was drinking heavily yesterday and last night (non-alcoholic drinks, mind you). It was a thirsty day yesterday.

No problem, I will try to sleep as usual tonight and maintain my schedule. I have had skips and misses before. With a little extra effort, I may well be able to stay the course. I cannot remember, but I would guess it has been two or three weeks now, that I have been getting up early! In spite of little sun and a constant battle to keep this place from being too hot or too cold, and on even through a period when I simply could not tell whether it was too hot or cold. The temps in this apartment run from over 82 (as high as by glass bead in glass tube thermometers go), to in the low 60's. Oddly, I end up using the air conditioning (still!) at nights because everybody seems to crank their heat and then the heater in the day because they turn off all heat when they go. I really cannot wait to get to the new place.

I have been experimenting with the furnace setting there. Just from feel, the low 60's are fine in that house. Since I have not been living there, I cannot be sure. There is a programable thermostat there. I have it set for 72 F at about 5:30 to 7:00, then 60 F at 7:00 to 18:00, 55 F at 21:00 or something, during the weekdays. Then the high of only 68 F in the morning and a little later on the weekends, the rest being the same. But it has always been pleasant when I am there.

I have a few things to do today, and I will probably get several loads either to the apartment or to storage. The hard part is done, now to get the little stuff tended and the carpet here in the apartment kitchen cleaned. Once the router works in the house, I will have no further need of the apartment. A lot of blathering this morning. But I am planning, thinking, and waking up. It helps. I suppose that is why song birds do their thing, at least when it is past breeding season.

*chirp*

Have a great day!

Not yesterday and not all of it.

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I did get some of the calls completed yesterday. That was it. Today I did get to the storage shed and sorted a bit and re-ordered the thing. I had about 5 by 5 feet of free space, I now have more like 10 x 5, right down the middle. That should allow room for the weight bench and excercise machine when they are dismantled, plus a good little bit. I could make more room, though there are problems with stacking things too high. But, that was the thing that was holding a lot of this up. That and the internet. My ISP rep. said that would be connected Friday. No one needs to go and hook it up, which made me wonder why they cannot do it today. Though it is probably a switch panel somewhere and the techs, or secretaries for all I know, can only switch so many in one day, along with whatever else they do, and I was merely put on a list. Right behind breaks, chatting up the new hot secretary, and doing something on the computer they are not supposed to. Ha.

I might pay a bill or two tonight, maybe all three. I am considering how secure this machine is and how secure it needs to be. Though I would be all for someone hacking my account to pay my bill, the thing is there may be other information on my account which might help them pay their bill on my nickel. If I use the internet a great deal, I cannot trust it. I had considered getting a game system but have decided against it merely on the grounds that even those work on some kind of internet now. I simply do not wish to be connected in everything I do.

I dreamed though, again, last night. And I dreamed all night again. I know, they say the dreams are over quickly and all that, whatever. Though I do not think they have all that as down pat as they think, either. Here is a thought, you do realize every educated person was educated by someone, right? You realize no one is perfect right? You also must understand that data transmitted from one person to another is the surest way to corrupt information. Which means, like mercury in fish ends up at the highest levels in the biggest consumers, so to do errors collect the greatest in the most well educated. All I am saying is... enjoy your next doctor visit and pray you do not need an even more educated person to cut you open. Someday real doctors will ask what they barbarians were doing, and sort of chortle darkly about the grotesqueries of our "medical practices". Then again, if it is socialized, he will be saying that as he takes his next narcotic mix to stay awake for his 2nd 24 hour shift in transfiguritive maintenance (what used to be surgery), and checks his McDonald sized income online to make sure he has enough for more "snuff".

Another night of dreaming.

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Though it was difficult to get to sleep I slept well until this morning and the snooze dance. It seemed as though I dreamed the whole night, if nothing remains and they did not wake me. This morning, as the alarm was going off and I was hitting snooze, I remember looking at the clocks or watch and seeing as late as 16:00, so I know I was dream obsessing about the time. I had several dreams between snooze hits, but not every one. Though the phenomenon of not sensing time pass between hitting the snooze button as time did pass occurred again today. I am not tired, though, this morning.

I suspect I will be able to get some decent work completed today. I need to call the ISP service, make a payment on my vehicle, rearrange the utility shed, and pay my utilities and this rent. I think I can get that done too. Today is a better day. Oh, right. I washed all my shirts and then left them all over there. Ha, a nice clean shirt sounds really nice about now! I am hoping that a good hard days work will allow me to regain the edge regarding sleeping at night. I have not lost it, but dips that far off the norm to an already tipsy structure are dangerous to the fragile card game I play.

Well, I had better get off, tinker for a few hours to wake up, then get on the road. I will get this done. Have a great day!

Trouble sleeping.

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It is the legs. They hurt, terribly, as if I had climbed a mountain. I have not done a thing in days which could have caused this. I think I am still dreaming a bunch and sometimes I get hurt or hurt myself in dreams. I am worried this will mess up my sleep cycle. I have worked so hard to bring that about. Well, we will see. I will try to sleep again, now. At least I have daylight savings time possibly helping me out. This is frustrating.

Sleep well!

Well, I did it.

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I watched my first football game, or half of it. The Vikings versus the Packers. No, not alone. My former neighbor, Grumpy henceforth, called to remind me to turn my clocks back. So, I asked what he was doing. Football was on the tube, then racing. I told him I needed to get rid of some extra candy and if I could visit and watch. He was happily surprised and said, "Sure, come on over".

It was a good game and my team won. From back when I watched football I have three teams of acquaintance, the Broncos, Steelers, and Vikings. Two were from home states and one was just my pick. I also noticed that in spite of not watching for a long time, I still decried bad calls, chattered at my team when they seemed to fall asleep after half time almost to the point of tossing a 24 to 3 lead to a loss, and other common features of sports viewing. Odd how that came back so quickly.

Oh, it was not a great time or thing, but it was more social than, say, playing a game on the computer. It is a start. As I meet other people, perhaps I will be invited to watch other sports, or can do the same. I will need to get a t.v. guide to know what is playing. I only have the local channels though, so I am probably a bit limited. Still, it is another opportunity. I had thought I would not watch pro-ball, but life is what it is. Either you open the door and take what comes or you keep the door closed, I suppose. So it is, I would guess, if I begin to seriously look for a wife. Up to some point in any case.

Bit by bit, I am finding other ways to sneak out of my cave. I am learning to enter the daylight. And I am starting up some things that have been dormant for a while. All in good time. If my time is short, I will do the best with what I have that I am able. That capacity is growing exponentially here, rather than decreasing where I was though, leaves much room for serious potential. I am not, after all, quite dead yet. If still mostly dead, ala The Prince's Bride. Can I take the bitter pill for true love? What is the option? Ha!

Sunday thoughts.

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I was just reading the bible when I remembered one of the points on the list of an atheist, a list which numbered his reasons not to believe. This particular reason regarded the notion that Christians, and other faithful, are subjected to indoctrination and to tactics which are quite possibly beyond conscious consideration. Of course, not only is this probably true, I have some hope that it is true. What I see is failed to be noted is that the author subjects himself to such scrutiny. He does not consider himself a part of or party to just such involvements.

As I said, beyond acknowledging that there are forces, both normative, conscious, unconscious, and what I term as spiritual or religious in nature as they have no physical or psychological basis, playing a part in faithful reverence, I accept, expect, and would be a bit saddened if these did not exist. But I go one step further and suggest that even atheists have these same influences which lead them to what they believe. Unless, of course, they are claiming that being an atheist means that they are better or more fully human. Or that those who believe simply are not human. Nietzsche, among others, believed in various forms of the Superman as well. If this is the case, I think I am dealing with psychosis, not merely a difference of opinion.

That was going on in the background, but a passage caught my attention as well, and as I continued reading, I had the one passage and the previous thought vying for space, weaving into what I was reading, and doing their own things. I can do that with more than that load, though prefer single mind loads usually. It does add to life though, especially when it works.

The passage that caught my imagination was when Jesus was visiting a pharisee's home for dinner. A woman washed His feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and kissed them continually. It seems when people thought Christ knew these thoughts as if they were spoken (another add to D.C.'s notion, if perhaps perfected). And so Jesus asked which of two servants who were forgiven large and small debts would love their master the more. The pharisee suggested it would be the latter. And so it was with the woman, who most likely the pharisee knew to be a prostitute or some such. She would be, and was, forgiven more than the pharisee, and by her exhibitions of love, she showed what He had led the pharisee to see.

My mind went to the women I have known, in the ways I have known them, and in the state of my mind and grace in which I have known them. I have believed, in loving some of the women I have loved, I have brought them out of deeper sin, namely that of "free love" and into a singular partnership. And, in this love I did forgive them a past of prostitution of sorts. No, that does not mean I am a confessor, I do not claim any rights as a priest, I only notice a secular similarity in action and life. I have to wonder, by that, if some of God and more so Christ, if it is by Jesus we get to the Father, lives in us naturally. Just a thought.

The bible does lead me to thoughts which, in many circumstances, might well be considered anathema to any well instructed parishioner or clergy, from any church. Some might make allowances for the fact of the type of life I was raised to live, as various churches allow for local or even the adaptation of pagan or other rituals into church services. Few would find themselves wholly able to see the simplicity of what Christ was saying to understand that, in some ways, through Him, even if blind to Him, he may still function quite soundly.

How does this all weave, if at all. I lost some of the weave, but this is the part I did not lose, and going back to the atheist... If he should ever ask me what would satisfy me regarding his life given my Catholicity at this point, it would be this. Simply to love, with all his heart, each man and woman he should come in contact with. Not sexual love, not simple love though that is an aspect of it. But a respectful admiration for that being as they love themselves, even or more importantly the people that are difficult to love, or those who do not return love. That is the most important thing. Though I would go on to suggest that if he does not know God, he does know right and wrong. To do the best he can and to have guilt when he knows he has done wrong and to try to amend wrongs were possible and to attempt to not repeat them as well.

There is a place and a hope for even the blind. It is my contention that the church offers a clearer way to heaven than any other form. I contend that the Catholic Church offers a manner of worshiping God which I believe to be most right to my senses. And I do wonder if not worshiping in this manner is risky. But if there is hope, for those who cannot see or will not see, it is as I have said. Will I get stoned in the morning for this? (No work on Sundays for the strongly dogmatic, remember!)

If you differ or agree, do not be afraid to speak up. Who knows, if you have some evidence otherwise, I would gladly look at it. Even if you simply feel differently, you are quite welcome to debate. But my mind weave sort of created this, so I wanted to... share it.

While waking up, I was thinking.

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On one blog or another, just the other day, I read that listening to the Beatles in this day and age is not cool. No problem. I buy that. Further, listening to anything does not make one "cool". Unless you are in your vehicle driving on a cold night with the windows down and you are susceptible to the cold. Listening to loud music, or what passes for it, does not make you cool. As a fact, nothing can make you cool. If we accept that there is something, other than temperature, given over to the term cool (which itself is a bit dated at this time), and that this term relates to how one is viewed in society, I think we can also go on and say that this nature which relates to the secondary meaning of cool is probably not something one can buy, exhibit consciously, or craft in a genuine manner. To my understanding, people are either cool or they are not cool as a state of existence. Further, any belief in what is cool is as temporary as fashion. And a step further, sometimes to not be cool is cool all by itself. Nothing note worthy, just clearing my own baffles on the notion. How cool was that? Oh, and one more thing, at past 40, I care about being cool about as much as I care about being hip or in fashion. As another abused term goes, eat me. (slow cooked, in spite of the marbling, I am probably rather tough and gamy) *grimace*

I have noted some differences here, both from Iowa and from my native (if wrongheaded) ways. People here are much less into themselves and quite a bit less grandiose in showing their choices or ways. Now, I could debate this, and suggest "This is America, I will do as I wish". But I will not. I moved here to enjoy the good fruits of the social, moral, and legal labors done here, the low crime rate, the idea that freedom comes with responsibility mantra, and the simpler and more real life that this area offers. To that end, it behooves me to take a hint and join the club. That means, for me, it is time to make some personal changes. To that end, my car stereo needs to be turned down. I have done that to some degree, but I noted that at even 12 to 16 on my stereo volume, with the windows up, the sound can be heard plainly outside of my vehicle. I do not hear other stereos often, so I am going to need to experiment and fix that. I used to listen to it as loud as 18 to 22, sometimes even 26, though the system will crank to 30 or more without distortion. Times have changed and I need to begin fitting in. I am also looking at other customs and norms. It really is not about me or what I want.

This, of course, leads me to consider just how much of my life is my own in just such a setting. Am I to completely socialize and just find a complete list of norms and lead my life around that? Do I arbitrarily pick which of those things on the list I wish to abide? As is, as I notice things, I begin to incorporate them, which means I have seen no literal list to date. I have seen disapproval regarding certain choices by certain people. But that is too random to call normal. This one might be Mormon, this one might be a strong Mormon, this one fallen away, that one might be Catholic with the same possibilities as the Mormons, this one might be Jewish or Hindu. These may be the norms of a woman, this one of a man, this one of that age, this one of the new age. No, it is not to be found in individuals, that is a never ending losing game. However, I think there is something to be found as a source.

Just recently, Desert Cat in comments, noted that there seems to be a connection among people. That connection is part of why night people love nights. The theory goes that at night we psychicly 'rub elbows' a lot less frequently. I might even add to that by saying if that is true then maybe those who live nights are more mentally guarded, further lowering the chances of a meeting of the minds. People at night more closely secret their thoughts, whether it is because they are hunters or prey of whatever kind. And, I believe there is something to this. What does this all mean to someone who wishes to join in the day club and become a more full member of the society which exists in it?

It means that there is a list, but it is not written down or otherwise ennumbered. Whether it is seen in the general behavoir patterns or whether it is transmitted to the senses in other ways, the list is available. In a more chaotic "multi-cultural" environment, no single pattern emerges. Here, that is not the case. There is a very strong main channel. It is clear and present. There are variations, certain allowances, and room for individuality. Compared to the chaos of a dozen channels though, it is simple and solid and majority.

I can use this clear channel here. It is a moral channel, a socially positive channel, and a family channel. Not all of it works with my particular situation and who I am, but a large majority of it already does or could do so. I will have to personalize it, though everyone on the channel does. I suppose for me, that is what I felt when I first came here. This reminds me of the Iowa of my youth. This is why I felt like I had stepped back in time. This is a huge small town, "hung up" on living right, working hard, and getting real things done in a timely fashion. Beyond being broken, atm, and being what else I am, I can never fully fit in. I am not capable of joining the herd. But if I trust the herd, I can be much more comfortable in and around it. I have even noted that, if to a lesser degree, there are more like me here. When half the population is wolves, no sheep dog is willing to do too much, the herd must tend itself. Some sheep dogs even turn to warring against the herd, either losing their balance or just giving in to their lusts. But when there are few wolves and a herd which prefers righteousness, sheepdogs again have a place and will fill it and step up. That is this place.

A little bit.

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I was able to pack a load into the vehicle, but decided to go shooting with my friend first. The Henry is incredibly accurate at this point. I was targeting flattened shotgun shells at 50ft and more, lying on their sides. My only problem was that I could not always find them after I shot them between one and three times. I shot a few of my friend's pistols as well. Oh, and after packing up my 800 rounds of .45, 700 rounds of .22, 100 rounds of AK ammo, and some other ammunition into one smaller box, I realize he must have 10k rounds or more of .45. Who knows how many .38/.357 and 9mm he has. They each fit in separate boxes that were 3 to 4 times as big as the box I put my ammo in. Oh, his sister has invited us to Thanksgiving dinner! How nice! He is such a cuss sometimes, he said he might not be able to make it if there were no mashed potatoes. hehe

We stopped at the grocery store on the way home, so I bought candy. Enough for a small army of kids. Then went the new place to wait. I might have gotten there and turned on the light too late, though it may be the cul-de-sac which limited the number of kids. I did see some, and enjoyed. No one cried this year, but a few just stood their and stared for... a long time. Yeah, okay, kids are cute. Shut up.

I unpacked the load I had, took some groceries in, and watched some Hallowe'en stuff, Vincent Price, you should know. I thought about reading, but that is difficult while trying to be ready to answer the door, so t.v. it was. They left their t.v. and it is hooked to a cable box and antenna. I will not be watching it much. Though I am thinking about trying to get into football a bit, if I can stomach it. Not pro-football, not after Rush, but college football. Merely to sort of be social. It has something to do with what Confucius said, going to the temple and all, as a non-believer, for social comportment. Give or take. I some times think I make this stuff up, but then, so did he. Ha!

It is about time to goof and then sleep. I hope your Hallowe'en was fun, social, scary, or... something. Sleep well, and if you should have scary dreams, I hope you may enjoy them for that. Good night!

Nearly 13:00 and all is well if nothing was done.

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Okay, I have just enough time to shower and take a load over. But I have been dawdling. The afternoon seems to be my better production time. Though if the world was functional at night (think classes), I would leave days to the living dead... or, other living dead. Ha! Zombies. :P

Seriously though, night has an elegance and quiet that the sun cannot produce. Fat, skinny, ugly, bold, whatever, it does not matter at night. Though darkness cures nothing, it merely cloaks one a bit and allows minor or major flaws to be less visible. It also works to weaken and minimize any artificial strengths, such as beauty or charm. It acts as an brutal equalizer of sorts. Further, my eyes work better at night than most people, far better. I sense and see. There is more, including the fact that I am simply somehow more comfortable at night. People seem to be less rushed, more careful, and speak more gently, if often more wickedly. If night may attract evil, it is holy in some ways too. To my knowledge, I have always preferred the night, and for the most part understood these things.

Some people are drawn to the night for nefarious reasons. I am not among these. Yet I maintain a presence which keeps me safer at night, even among some of the worst sorts. I have been told I give off the essence of a dead knight or something. You know how some of these people speak. The woman went on to say I seem to present absolute naivete, perhaps innocence, somehow wrapped in the strength or nature to create horror even to the terrible. I am not certain I completely follow, or know where she was coming from. But I do like the notion so far as I understand it. And, I would guess she is correct, if she did not know why. I know why, if I understood the simple form of the notion, and am finally completely comfortable with it.

Still, real life is for the daytime. And, to that end, I have been working hard this summer and fall and then on into winter as that begins by weather if not by strict date. My nighttime nature is not so well established during the day, the dread of night and the mystery of dark does not offer the viewers mind or my appearance or actions the extensions necessary, and yet some of it remains to those who are on their toes. Some still see, the criminal type see it very plainly all of the time, I am a real danger to them. It is not my size, it is my awareness, intent, and nature somehow, that bothers them. Though that is not necessary to me. Getting into college, learning a real profession, and being a part of society is what I seek. I am secure enough in my faith and myself through faith and fist, that I do not need enhancements. I am hoping, if all works out, that this aspect will just be an accepted part of me in a larger community. Perhaps even an appreciated aspect to those who are relatively right minded but weak of flesh.

So, days it is. After fumbling over heat, medicine, contractions from running out of medicine, the initial cold, and then the darkening days, I am finally back to days. For the last two weeks, the latest I have awaken is 10:20, though under very unusual circumstances. Other than that, 9:00 is the latest on two days, 8:00 on another two or three days, and 7:20 or early the rest of the time. Becoming used to days again is sort of like learning to ride a bike after not having done so for years or longer. I know how to manipulate the night, to craft it and me in it, to some level of surety. Days... Cats sleep days because their senses and other abilities are hindered by them. To some degree, I am with them. Still, my stay here in Utah has given me great hope at turning this around. Even with the stumbles, and short falls, I have been able to get up and go at it again and quickly.

Perhaps I have a chance at leaving the fictions and notions of considerations of the lost and folding my night cloak away for good or for some time where it might be needed again. So I will fold it with a bit of respect, proper ghosty moth balls, and a surety that it will be there if needed or wanted again. Well, that is as Hallowe'en as I get. Boo!

Awake.

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Still dreaming though. Last night was another dream-fest. I do not remember, precisely, how many dreams I had and I remember none of them well enough to document here. It felt as if I dreamed pretty much all night though, if none of them woke me. At least I am not too tired this morning, just the normal waking up thing. And, I do want to wake up and get another load or two over, as my ex-neighbor suggested we go shooting today around 13:00, though I suggested more like 14:00. I am sort of curious if he will call at 13:00 anyway. He has his own mind and it works his own way. Well, okay, who does not? Ha!

A few things, spots, and pieces at a time, the apartment is coming down and the move is coming together. It may be dry enough later this evening or tomorrow to do some straightening in the storage unit. I would like to move most of the boxes out and fit the weight equipment in back, along with the dismantled weight bench and setup device. Hmm, might take the set up device to the new place though... That would make things a lot easier... Bother, I will figure it out.

There are a bunch of things I would like to buy this month, but I will be holding off greatly until I sort out my financial dealings. But with nothing ending up as it should, I simply can never be certain where I am. I feel like one of those punching bags. Until things get much more sorted, I am walking on a financial frozen lake, with a little water on top. That is how it feels anyway. It is, mostly, doable, if a little uncomfortable and risky to be certain. The 'shore' is just... over... careful!... there...