.
.
I'm not seeing a way through. So, for the first time in memory, I am going to try to make my own path. To that end, I roasted a chuck roast the other day to feed up, then roasted enough chicken to see me through a few days of good solid eating. I got a shower in today, and the phone is charged. I plan on another shower, then a trip to town tonight to tend shopping needs. Perhaps tomorrow afternoon, or the day after as I can't make promises yet, I will go in and get my friend out of his place. I don't know if it will work, but there it is. Oh, and I need to get back on medicine. Tonight or tomorrow I will be resetting my medi-set.
I just don't have what it takes. Everything I do is a major effort. While I enjoy the games, they actually become more like work as I go to the higher levels and try to carve out specific plans. I tend to think games do enhance intelligence, if they are played at the harder levels and without cheats. No pain no gain works for the mind as much as it works for the body, and hard game modes are painful at times. The games don't add to my life in some ways, and yet that create something I can do in my time, at my pace, and at the level of difficulty I am prepared to participate with.
I best get going. A bit more gaming, then a shower and to town. I don't know how well it will work just forcing things. But at this point it is as much as I can do and the only option I have. I am absolutely tired of being sick and tired! :P Life is still good, it just has no meaning currently. I'd like to fix that.
Later.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Oh, right. I am still in here, are you still out there?
.
.
Time flies when you aren't aware. Last I knew it was... the 25th? Yeah. Now it's already the 17th or 18th or something. I think I've been out of the house once in that time, maybe twice. I've been out of soda for days, that always gives me huge headaches. I'm almost out of tobacco. I buy tobacco for two months at a time now, when I can. Running out of that and not being able to get out is really harsh, especially when added to the effects of caffeine withdrawal. Never mind.
My friend has called a number of times. My lady friend called too. Lots of email. I couldn't have answered or read, my phone has been dead for... a week, two? Just not on things right now. The phone still isn't charged enough to use yet but I am not ready to get out in any case. I hope to sneak out in the next day or night or two to take care of my own stuff first, as I don't have what it takes, atm, to shop for myself and help my friend browse at the same time. If I take care of my needs first, then I can go in and just let him go where he wants and get what he needs or wants.
Gaming is going well. The game I am playing is non-linear and a bit buggy. It's a fantastic game but it has it's drawbacks. What I mean when I say non-linear is that missions can be done in a large number of orders which makes going back to replay something very difficult unless you save after every mission and catalog the saves somehow, as you don't get to name the saves. It's not perfectly designed, either, in that if you do the missions one way, you may not get something. And more, the way to "win" doesn't always work. The gameplay is fun, and varied though.
I took a shower today. Absolutely wonderful things, showers that is. I am sure a bath would be even better but you have to draw it, then figure out how to keep it hot, and... all that stuff. I'm not sure why women love baths as much as they seem to do? It seems like a lot of work to my mind. Or at least a lot of fuss. Hmm, they don't have to stand? I dunno. Then again, like I have any real clue about the human female mind. Though I have come to suspect that they rarely have a grasp of their own mind, wants, and needs either. How did I get on the subject of women? Bah!
Later.
.
Time flies when you aren't aware. Last I knew it was... the 25th? Yeah. Now it's already the 17th or 18th or something. I think I've been out of the house once in that time, maybe twice. I've been out of soda for days, that always gives me huge headaches. I'm almost out of tobacco. I buy tobacco for two months at a time now, when I can. Running out of that and not being able to get out is really harsh, especially when added to the effects of caffeine withdrawal. Never mind.
My friend has called a number of times. My lady friend called too. Lots of email. I couldn't have answered or read, my phone has been dead for... a week, two? Just not on things right now. The phone still isn't charged enough to use yet but I am not ready to get out in any case. I hope to sneak out in the next day or night or two to take care of my own stuff first, as I don't have what it takes, atm, to shop for myself and help my friend browse at the same time. If I take care of my needs first, then I can go in and just let him go where he wants and get what he needs or wants.
Gaming is going well. The game I am playing is non-linear and a bit buggy. It's a fantastic game but it has it's drawbacks. What I mean when I say non-linear is that missions can be done in a large number of orders which makes going back to replay something very difficult unless you save after every mission and catalog the saves somehow, as you don't get to name the saves. It's not perfectly designed, either, in that if you do the missions one way, you may not get something. And more, the way to "win" doesn't always work. The gameplay is fun, and varied though.
I took a shower today. Absolutely wonderful things, showers that is. I am sure a bath would be even better but you have to draw it, then figure out how to keep it hot, and... all that stuff. I'm not sure why women love baths as much as they seem to do? It seems like a lot of work to my mind. Or at least a lot of fuss. Hmm, they don't have to stand? I dunno. Then again, like I have any real clue about the human female mind. Though I have come to suspect that they rarely have a grasp of their own mind, wants, and needs either. How did I get on the subject of women? Bah!
Later.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Weird.
.
.
Despite not knowing the day of the week, or... much else regarding the outside world, I have been eating fairly well. And, somehow, losing significant belly size. I'm slimming down. I haven't been this "slim" since I first became ill. Though, to be fair, much of the medicine I have been asked to take caused weight gain, and further the real cause of my illness caused me to gain water weight excessively. Still, it is fantastic to be slimming down, if my clothes, even the newer smaller clothes, are beginning to seem more like gunny sacks than clothes. I still weigh 270, so it doesn't make sense. I guess it is all a matter of were you lose and what you lose.
I haven't been able to get to anything, pretty much. Gaming, still, continues. And I play incredibly long spells. I quit the gaming and I just end up sleeping and even more confused, so I will keep it. Medicines... I keep dropping off that. I just don't understand. It used to be easy to take. I need to reset the medicine container and begin trying it again. As I said, I have been eating. Two meals a "day", and decent meals. They are neither too big, mostly, nor too small. I can't keep up with the six meal a day thing, but when I can I will get back to that. Just a bite, now and again. Never hungry, never full. But it is a high maintenance operation when you add in shopping, prep, cooking, and cleaning. Fruits just don't do it for me, even when paired with peanut butter or something.
I absolutely destroy games. Now, I don't get every last detail known, and how it functions. But for using (mostly) unscientific methods, I learn how to crack a game open, rip it apart, and assemble the play to my liking within (and sometimes outside a bit) of the design. While it is not profitable, I learn nothing functionally useful for the world in general in real terms, and some other problems, it does give me problems I can solve given the energy I have. It gives me something nearly real to do. And it keeps me out of that FUCKING bed. Sorry. I just hate being bed-bound. I hate being even more down and out, confused, in pain.
I'm thinking about life. I just don't have a way back to it. But it is good. I'm not in bed and I don't think my health is deteriorating. I think diabetes is on the retreat as well. Later.
.
Despite not knowing the day of the week, or... much else regarding the outside world, I have been eating fairly well. And, somehow, losing significant belly size. I'm slimming down. I haven't been this "slim" since I first became ill. Though, to be fair, much of the medicine I have been asked to take caused weight gain, and further the real cause of my illness caused me to gain water weight excessively. Still, it is fantastic to be slimming down, if my clothes, even the newer smaller clothes, are beginning to seem more like gunny sacks than clothes. I still weigh 270, so it doesn't make sense. I guess it is all a matter of were you lose and what you lose.
I haven't been able to get to anything, pretty much. Gaming, still, continues. And I play incredibly long spells. I quit the gaming and I just end up sleeping and even more confused, so I will keep it. Medicines... I keep dropping off that. I just don't understand. It used to be easy to take. I need to reset the medicine container and begin trying it again. As I said, I have been eating. Two meals a "day", and decent meals. They are neither too big, mostly, nor too small. I can't keep up with the six meal a day thing, but when I can I will get back to that. Just a bite, now and again. Never hungry, never full. But it is a high maintenance operation when you add in shopping, prep, cooking, and cleaning. Fruits just don't do it for me, even when paired with peanut butter or something.
I absolutely destroy games. Now, I don't get every last detail known, and how it functions. But for using (mostly) unscientific methods, I learn how to crack a game open, rip it apart, and assemble the play to my liking within (and sometimes outside a bit) of the design. While it is not profitable, I learn nothing functionally useful for the world in general in real terms, and some other problems, it does give me problems I can solve given the energy I have. It gives me something nearly real to do. And it keeps me out of that FUCKING bed. Sorry. I just hate being bed-bound. I hate being even more down and out, confused, in pain.
I'm thinking about life. I just don't have a way back to it. But it is good. I'm not in bed and I don't think my health is deteriorating. I think diabetes is on the retreat as well. Later.
Friday, February 10, 2012
A fluke. Bah!
.
.
The few good days I had seem to have been more of a kind accident than a path forward. My days and nights are all messed up again. I've fallen and hard. At least the game keeps me occupied, so that I am not sleeping all of the time. And, yes, that is a nice thing. When you sleep for many hours a day, or even days on end, the world seriously gets out of control.
I am continuing medicines and food, mostly. Dishes are, of course, becoming a problem again. Well, and laundry, neatness, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, KoC work, other efforts. It's all conspiring to... not get done. I have been feeding the cats, too. Though I really need to change the litter boxes. I simply can't quite think myself to action. I don't have that vital something. I had hoped getting out would do it. I hoped too that the tree work (little of it that I did) would shake me up. Nope. I really just want to sleep. I don't even want to play the stupid game. How odd, having to force yourself to play video games? As a gamer?
I never said it would make sense. I try to make sense, but my world, my reality, they don't work out no matter how well designed the equation. My heart should have given out long ago. And my sanity, from being falsely accused of being mentally ill, should have collapsed. I shouldn't be able to do the things I can do. I shouldn't be able to even scrape by on my own. Should, could, would, all have meanings. In my world though those meanings are suspended.
Still trying to angle toward recovery. I just don't have anything to grasp at that might get me there at this time. There is no window. I am just here. Never mind, this will pass. Good night or day or something like that.
.
The few good days I had seem to have been more of a kind accident than a path forward. My days and nights are all messed up again. I've fallen and hard. At least the game keeps me occupied, so that I am not sleeping all of the time. And, yes, that is a nice thing. When you sleep for many hours a day, or even days on end, the world seriously gets out of control.
I am continuing medicines and food, mostly. Dishes are, of course, becoming a problem again. Well, and laundry, neatness, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, KoC work, other efforts. It's all conspiring to... not get done. I have been feeding the cats, too. Though I really need to change the litter boxes. I simply can't quite think myself to action. I don't have that vital something. I had hoped getting out would do it. I hoped too that the tree work (little of it that I did) would shake me up. Nope. I really just want to sleep. I don't even want to play the stupid game. How odd, having to force yourself to play video games? As a gamer?
I never said it would make sense. I try to make sense, but my world, my reality, they don't work out no matter how well designed the equation. My heart should have given out long ago. And my sanity, from being falsely accused of being mentally ill, should have collapsed. I shouldn't be able to do the things I can do. I shouldn't be able to even scrape by on my own. Should, could, would, all have meanings. In my world though those meanings are suspended.
Still trying to angle toward recovery. I just don't have anything to grasp at that might get me there at this time. There is no window. I am just here. Never mind, this will pass. Good night or day or something like that.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Getting back on my feet.
.
.
Two days, two goals. Done. I didn't get to Church again today, but I wasn't sure that was possible anyway. I seem to be doing a bit better, a lot better. Tomorrow the goal is to make it to Mass, go swimming for the first time, and then visit my friend. I have checked for a price for another pistol he wants to buy. I might be able to get him a slightly better price through my contacts. New, all else same-same, it is just that the seller is pretty much simply not looking for profit and has no overhead.
Not much else in the news here. Good night.
.
Two days, two goals. Done. I didn't get to Church again today, but I wasn't sure that was possible anyway. I seem to be doing a bit better, a lot better. Tomorrow the goal is to make it to Mass, go swimming for the first time, and then visit my friend. I have checked for a price for another pistol he wants to buy. I might be able to get him a slightly better price through my contacts. New, all else same-same, it is just that the seller is pretty much simply not looking for profit and has no overhead.
Not much else in the news here. Good night.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Awake and in time?
.
.
I am awake and considering Mass. It is just a matter of watching the clock closely enough that a shower and getting dressed in time. It's a minor trick for most of you, a major one for me at times. Alarms don't really work, not when I am like this. It's more a matter of having the strength of mind to remain focused. It's a goal. No more than that. I can't allow myself to become too upset about missing a goal, it then just comes to focusing on the next goal should I succeed or fail.
For the next three days, today included, I have timed events. Oh, and I just received an appointment card for the 7th to top those things off. As well, I hope my goggles arrive in time to begin swimming on the 5th. Every other day with swimming, along with Mass mostly. Thankfully gas prices have dropped just a bit.
I have been keeping up on eating, but the kitchen needs some... work. So that goes though. Between food and medicine I have been able to keep from simply not being for a while. An empty husk I may be, but aware enough and with some memory. I at least know I have missed something. Crazy from lame, I suppose. Still it's better to coast than free-fall.
I really want to get that automatic cat litter box. That would make me and the cats very happy. Automation, it's your friend. Gaming is going well. You really don't learn much from them, not even how to play the next game. What I would love is a game that actually requires you to learn math and science facts in a functional manner. I think people would be surprised how well that went over. Seriously, calc and physics based games where you have to use the basics to launch attacks, or figure out puzzles. I'd buy it, I just can't write it. No fudging though. Engineering students (gamers) would eat it up.
Best get going. Later.
.
I am awake and considering Mass. It is just a matter of watching the clock closely enough that a shower and getting dressed in time. It's a minor trick for most of you, a major one for me at times. Alarms don't really work, not when I am like this. It's more a matter of having the strength of mind to remain focused. It's a goal. No more than that. I can't allow myself to become too upset about missing a goal, it then just comes to focusing on the next goal should I succeed or fail.
For the next three days, today included, I have timed events. Oh, and I just received an appointment card for the 7th to top those things off. As well, I hope my goggles arrive in time to begin swimming on the 5th. Every other day with swimming, along with Mass mostly. Thankfully gas prices have dropped just a bit.
I have been keeping up on eating, but the kitchen needs some... work. So that goes though. Between food and medicine I have been able to keep from simply not being for a while. An empty husk I may be, but aware enough and with some memory. I at least know I have missed something. Crazy from lame, I suppose. Still it's better to coast than free-fall.
I really want to get that automatic cat litter box. That would make me and the cats very happy. Automation, it's your friend. Gaming is going well. You really don't learn much from them, not even how to play the next game. What I would love is a game that actually requires you to learn math and science facts in a functional manner. I think people would be surprised how well that went over. Seriously, calc and physics based games where you have to use the basics to launch attacks, or figure out puzzles. I'd buy it, I just can't write it. No fudging though. Engineering students (gamers) would eat it up.
Best get going. Later.
Perfect, perhaps not.
.
.
But I am off my butt. At least for today. My friend called, but he has been calling for a few days, off and on, I think. Yeah, yeah, I heard the calls. No one was home. Just because I hear it doesn't mean I can do a thing about it. It busts me up too. It reminds me of those times when I was truly torn up in a hospital somewhere, lying on my back, and the phone would ring. I really am no better at answering the damned thing now than then. At least it gives me a goal. It is real, somehow. Oh, and I finally got in and joined the gym. Just for the pool at the moment. But that could change.
I keep looking at the chainsaws. The man that came and cut the tree had the exact one I am considering, a Husqvarna 455 Rancher. He takes about eight trees a year, he would guess. And he likes it quite well. He said that or a Stihl. After a bit of research, it was suggested that either would be fine, if there was a local dealership and repair shop. So, a bit of digging and? I find a repair shop for each, locally. More than that, I find a shop that sells and services both brands. A good place to visit, don't you think? I have a lot of wood to dice up and more branches to bring down. And I might know a way to it.
More than that, plans are in the works. I have a Mass to attend tomorrow. Don't know how, I just know I have to get there. It's making it on time, I have no... measure or rhythm that allows me to... gauge time? I don't see it coming or going. It would be like you, while drifting at sea after a few weeks, to be able to see a wave and then touch it, or... something crazy like that. Anyway, Mass tomorrow. Then catching a football game, the game, with my friend in Logan on Sunday, and maybe another Mass. No, I just like to go to Mass. I really do, I am simply fettered.
As well, I have an appointment for a haircut next Thursday and a meal two Wednesdays from now, so about two and a half weeks away. I invited the man who cut the limb, and his wife. I hope to have the wood cut up for him by then, and my home cleaned. Ugh! And, swimming Monday, along with Mass and taking my friend out to shoot one of his pistols. He is getting 'shooting cranky'. It's almost as bad as a young man not getting any female attention. As well, I need to get going on some KoC affairs and making appointments with the V.A. I clean missed two of those. I saw them coming, sort of. And I saw that I had passed them. Like the wave to the sea-blind man, I could not touch them, couldn't even see them as real. Yeah, yeah. Believe me, I try.
So, plans and more plans. Some things done, more to do. So be it. I will do what I can. This crazy lameness has gone on far too long. Hup! Go, go, go! *shhhh* Just... do it while they aren't watching.
.
But I am off my butt. At least for today. My friend called, but he has been calling for a few days, off and on, I think. Yeah, yeah, I heard the calls. No one was home. Just because I hear it doesn't mean I can do a thing about it. It busts me up too. It reminds me of those times when I was truly torn up in a hospital somewhere, lying on my back, and the phone would ring. I really am no better at answering the damned thing now than then. At least it gives me a goal. It is real, somehow. Oh, and I finally got in and joined the gym. Just for the pool at the moment. But that could change.
I keep looking at the chainsaws. The man that came and cut the tree had the exact one I am considering, a Husqvarna 455 Rancher. He takes about eight trees a year, he would guess. And he likes it quite well. He said that or a Stihl. After a bit of research, it was suggested that either would be fine, if there was a local dealership and repair shop. So, a bit of digging and? I find a repair shop for each, locally. More than that, I find a shop that sells and services both brands. A good place to visit, don't you think? I have a lot of wood to dice up and more branches to bring down. And I might know a way to it.
More than that, plans are in the works. I have a Mass to attend tomorrow. Don't know how, I just know I have to get there. It's making it on time, I have no... measure or rhythm that allows me to... gauge time? I don't see it coming or going. It would be like you, while drifting at sea after a few weeks, to be able to see a wave and then touch it, or... something crazy like that. Anyway, Mass tomorrow. Then catching a football game, the game, with my friend in Logan on Sunday, and maybe another Mass. No, I just like to go to Mass. I really do, I am simply fettered.
As well, I have an appointment for a haircut next Thursday and a meal two Wednesdays from now, so about two and a half weeks away. I invited the man who cut the limb, and his wife. I hope to have the wood cut up for him by then, and my home cleaned. Ugh! And, swimming Monday, along with Mass and taking my friend out to shoot one of his pistols. He is getting 'shooting cranky'. It's almost as bad as a young man not getting any female attention. As well, I need to get going on some KoC affairs and making appointments with the V.A. I clean missed two of those. I saw them coming, sort of. And I saw that I had passed them. Like the wave to the sea-blind man, I could not touch them, couldn't even see them as real. Yeah, yeah. Believe me, I try.
So, plans and more plans. Some things done, more to do. So be it. I will do what I can. This crazy lameness has gone on far too long. Hup! Go, go, go! *shhhh* Just... do it while they aren't watching.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Alive and... something.
.
.
Life is simply moving forward, pretty much without me. No serious problems, mostly. The things that exist are beyond my ability to manage at the moment, little and big things. I am, for the most part, back on a day schedule, for what it matters. I am pretty much just alive, not quite living. I wish I could say it was the gaming. The gaming is helping me to regulate my days and stay awake. When I don't play I simply end up sleeping long cycles, running into days.
I would still like to figure out how to set up the 'day lamp'. It is not that it takes a great deal of effort, but it means making choices, creating space, figuring out how to plug it in, minor things that attack my fragile consciousness like mosquitoes attacking my body in heavily wooded swampy areas.
I'm working on working on things. I am back on my medicines, after many tries. The last week has seen to regular taking of medicine. I don't take it perfectly, sometimes remembering later in the day to take my "morning" dose, and then taking my evening dose shortly following. That is as good as I have been able to do in quite some time. The medicine, at times, will help me take it simply through whatever it does for me. Not now. It is a struggle.
I may need to buy a chain saw. A very large limb came down out back. Further, I may need to learn a bit about electricity and risk turning off electricity. The branch snagged one of the power lines to one of the outbuildings. This whole process will be somewhat risky. The missionaries plan to help. Just having someone around in case I... do something else exciting and interesting will be good. At least they could call 911 for an evac.
Enough for now. Just letting you know that I am alive. Later.
.
Life is simply moving forward, pretty much without me. No serious problems, mostly. The things that exist are beyond my ability to manage at the moment, little and big things. I am, for the most part, back on a day schedule, for what it matters. I am pretty much just alive, not quite living. I wish I could say it was the gaming. The gaming is helping me to regulate my days and stay awake. When I don't play I simply end up sleeping long cycles, running into days.
I would still like to figure out how to set up the 'day lamp'. It is not that it takes a great deal of effort, but it means making choices, creating space, figuring out how to plug it in, minor things that attack my fragile consciousness like mosquitoes attacking my body in heavily wooded swampy areas.
I'm working on working on things. I am back on my medicines, after many tries. The last week has seen to regular taking of medicine. I don't take it perfectly, sometimes remembering later in the day to take my "morning" dose, and then taking my evening dose shortly following. That is as good as I have been able to do in quite some time. The medicine, at times, will help me take it simply through whatever it does for me. Not now. It is a struggle.
I may need to buy a chain saw. A very large limb came down out back. Further, I may need to learn a bit about electricity and risk turning off electricity. The branch snagged one of the power lines to one of the outbuildings. This whole process will be somewhat risky. The missionaries plan to help. Just having someone around in case I... do something else exciting and interesting will be good. At least they could call 911 for an evac.
Enough for now. Just letting you know that I am alive. Later.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Clear skies.
.
.
And, actually, very little snow on the ground. Much of it melted. The ground here just wasn't cold enough to pile the snow on, with the rain for the last few days softening and warming it all up. It, thankfully, doesn't look too slick either. I really enjoy having mountains to look out my window. More the reason to open my curtains.
I slept until about 6:00. My sleep is not very satisfying lately. No matter. I am eating and sleeping much more regularly, even if I don't feel like it. Something odd I am finding is that, in my games, the periods where my reflexes are the fastest have no correlation with how I feel. Whether I feel very tired or not, that is, I can be at my best. I don't understand that at all. I would have thought that when I am very tired feeling that I would also not be fast in the game. I really don't understand this illness. Now, when I am tired, I don't always feel like playing, but sometimes I do anyway. Which is why, in part, I am a gamer. It eats time, it keeps me somewhat more functional, and really... it keeps me out of bed. I hate being bed-bound. I hate it when I can't stay up.
I think I need a nap, so morning Mass is probably out. I don't mind naps, if I can keep them to just an hour or two. It is when they begin to take over my days and stretch for many hours, ruining my work and changing my schedule around that "naps" become a problem. And, fight it as I may, often it matters little. If I have to sleep then I have to sleep. I don't have any tools to fight that at times. I just wish the medicines, now that I am back on them more regularly, might help more. It might be the diabetes kicking back in though too. The V.A. finally sent those. They must have realized I hadn't picked them up (they sent the scripts to a local pharmacy, but though it was on my list, I simply couldn't be there, on time, to get them, in a timely fashion). I still haven't started those.
You would think that it is quite easy to just add a medicine to a routine. Odd as it seems, that isn't as easy for me as it might seem. I have to think about it. Do I really want to take this stuff? After the decision is made, then I have to find the stuff, and then I have to add it to my medicine set. Being that everything moves slowly when I'm in this kind of a funk, it just... doesn't happen. Well, until it does happen. I need to reset my medicine-set, and I have decided to take them, so it should be on the schedule tomorrow... a month after they were prescribed? *sigh* I really do try.
Oh! The sun just rose above the mountains to the east. What an absolutely beautiful morning. Perhaps God just wants me to see a little more beauty, to realize a little more love, and to buy a bit better property with minor suffering before I go? It is nice, even in my odd little sad ways, to finally actually enjoy this life. I won't mind trading it for heaven, but I'll take what I get for as long as it is mine to have. Good day.
P.S. I haven't been editing lately. I just don't have the juice. So if it looks bad, reading here, that is why. I can't focus.
.
And, actually, very little snow on the ground. Much of it melted. The ground here just wasn't cold enough to pile the snow on, with the rain for the last few days softening and warming it all up. It, thankfully, doesn't look too slick either. I really enjoy having mountains to look out my window. More the reason to open my curtains.
I slept until about 6:00. My sleep is not very satisfying lately. No matter. I am eating and sleeping much more regularly, even if I don't feel like it. Something odd I am finding is that, in my games, the periods where my reflexes are the fastest have no correlation with how I feel. Whether I feel very tired or not, that is, I can be at my best. I don't understand that at all. I would have thought that when I am very tired feeling that I would also not be fast in the game. I really don't understand this illness. Now, when I am tired, I don't always feel like playing, but sometimes I do anyway. Which is why, in part, I am a gamer. It eats time, it keeps me somewhat more functional, and really... it keeps me out of bed. I hate being bed-bound. I hate it when I can't stay up.
I think I need a nap, so morning Mass is probably out. I don't mind naps, if I can keep them to just an hour or two. It is when they begin to take over my days and stretch for many hours, ruining my work and changing my schedule around that "naps" become a problem. And, fight it as I may, often it matters little. If I have to sleep then I have to sleep. I don't have any tools to fight that at times. I just wish the medicines, now that I am back on them more regularly, might help more. It might be the diabetes kicking back in though too. The V.A. finally sent those. They must have realized I hadn't picked them up (they sent the scripts to a local pharmacy, but though it was on my list, I simply couldn't be there, on time, to get them, in a timely fashion). I still haven't started those.
You would think that it is quite easy to just add a medicine to a routine. Odd as it seems, that isn't as easy for me as it might seem. I have to think about it. Do I really want to take this stuff? After the decision is made, then I have to find the stuff, and then I have to add it to my medicine set. Being that everything moves slowly when I'm in this kind of a funk, it just... doesn't happen. Well, until it does happen. I need to reset my medicine-set, and I have decided to take them, so it should be on the schedule tomorrow... a month after they were prescribed? *sigh* I really do try.
Oh! The sun just rose above the mountains to the east. What an absolutely beautiful morning. Perhaps God just wants me to see a little more beauty, to realize a little more love, and to buy a bit better property with minor suffering before I go? It is nice, even in my odd little sad ways, to finally actually enjoy this life. I won't mind trading it for heaven, but I'll take what I get for as long as it is mine to have. Good day.
P.S. I haven't been editing lately. I just don't have the juice. So if it looks bad, reading here, that is why. I can't focus.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Snow, heavy snow.
.
.
After several days of rain we are finally getting snow. On my way to town, I went the way south first. There were places were water was overrunning the road. Not quite enough to stop traffic, enough to slow it a great deal though. Luckily, I hit the first of those when I was at a slower speed, and so started watching for them. Hitting one of those at speed would be a serious wake-up call, very possibly a serious accident. I slowed it down a great deal after that. I would say it might have been deep enough to put a small car out of action, perhaps as deep as six inches and up to 15 feet long, perhaps more. On the way back I took the other way. By then it had changed from rain to snow. Slick too. There was one place I really needed my Iowa driving skills, even with 4-high, out of over-drive, and going only 45mph. It looks like the snow machine is trying to make up for the lack of snow so far and all at once.
Because of the slow down in traffic, there was no way I was going to get my friend shopping and make it to Church. So, tomorrow, either in the morning or afternoon, I need to make it to Church. I need to get back to going on weekdays too. My problem is exhaustion.
I have nearly finished the dishes. I think I have a pot that I mixed the spaghetti in, for heating, earlier, and a few other items. Very little is left. Then I need to clean the kitchen and do laundry, finish it anyway. The exhaustion is excruciating right now. While the medicines seem to help, in full winter they have a limited ability to help. I really need to get the day-lamp set up and begin using it. I never gave it a chance before because I never could quite figure out where to set it up. That isn't a problem this time. I pray that it works. I need something to help, the medicines just aren't cutting it. And the threat of falling off them again, simply due to a lack of ability to stay even modestly functional, is real. It says a lot for medicine if I am seriously trying to take them.
My waterproof mp3 player arrived today. I won't be setting it up until tomorrow or... later. I knew, being an Apple, I would be ripped off by being forced to use the Apple store, but it was the best of options as far as an mp3 player for swimming and working out more generally. I prefer Zune, which allowed anything to be put on the player. But that simply wasn't available. Never mind, this should do. My shoes have been shipped too. I can't wait to try those. I hope they work. Novel, but also... interesting. I often will use my heels to walk, but prefer the barefoot style of motation, using the palms of my feet to get around on. These shoes were designed for the latter style of walking. It's why my calves are so well defined.
I believe I am about ready to crash. I simply can't stay awake much longer. Up at 8:00, down by 20:00? Ugh, not the best, but in the condition I am in, that may be as good as it gets. Good night.
.
After several days of rain we are finally getting snow. On my way to town, I went the way south first. There were places were water was overrunning the road. Not quite enough to stop traffic, enough to slow it a great deal though. Luckily, I hit the first of those when I was at a slower speed, and so started watching for them. Hitting one of those at speed would be a serious wake-up call, very possibly a serious accident. I slowed it down a great deal after that. I would say it might have been deep enough to put a small car out of action, perhaps as deep as six inches and up to 15 feet long, perhaps more. On the way back I took the other way. By then it had changed from rain to snow. Slick too. There was one place I really needed my Iowa driving skills, even with 4-high, out of over-drive, and going only 45mph. It looks like the snow machine is trying to make up for the lack of snow so far and all at once.
Because of the slow down in traffic, there was no way I was going to get my friend shopping and make it to Church. So, tomorrow, either in the morning or afternoon, I need to make it to Church. I need to get back to going on weekdays too. My problem is exhaustion.
I have nearly finished the dishes. I think I have a pot that I mixed the spaghetti in, for heating, earlier, and a few other items. Very little is left. Then I need to clean the kitchen and do laundry, finish it anyway. The exhaustion is excruciating right now. While the medicines seem to help, in full winter they have a limited ability to help. I really need to get the day-lamp set up and begin using it. I never gave it a chance before because I never could quite figure out where to set it up. That isn't a problem this time. I pray that it works. I need something to help, the medicines just aren't cutting it. And the threat of falling off them again, simply due to a lack of ability to stay even modestly functional, is real. It says a lot for medicine if I am seriously trying to take them.
My waterproof mp3 player arrived today. I won't be setting it up until tomorrow or... later. I knew, being an Apple, I would be ripped off by being forced to use the Apple store, but it was the best of options as far as an mp3 player for swimming and working out more generally. I prefer Zune, which allowed anything to be put on the player. But that simply wasn't available. Never mind, this should do. My shoes have been shipped too. I can't wait to try those. I hope they work. Novel, but also... interesting. I often will use my heels to walk, but prefer the barefoot style of motation, using the palms of my feet to get around on. These shoes were designed for the latter style of walking. It's why my calves are so well defined.
I believe I am about ready to crash. I simply can't stay awake much longer. Up at 8:00, down by 20:00? Ugh, not the best, but in the condition I am in, that may be as good as it gets. Good night.
The gamble.
.
.
Last night, while deciding whether to make food or not, I had to take a risk in the end. While I had done a few dishes, as a token promise, I wasn't sure if cooking and eating would end up putting more dishes in the longer term queue or whether the food would induce me to finish up the dishes, all of them, sooner rather than later. While I don't know if food helps, or if I just have good and bad days based on their own merits, such gambles are just that. It ends up that the food, if it does that, or if today is just a good day "because", I have finished most of the dishes.
As for lazy, I keep wondering about that. Can you be said to be lazy if you can't service your addiction? I have been out of tobacco for the last several days. Crazy as it makes me, I haven't been able to break out of my troubles and get to town. I promised my friend I would be to town today, and I would like to make it to Mass, but troubles are just that. If I can do that, either or both, I hope to get on laundry tonight, and maybe trash and kitty litter duty ahead of time this week.
Having a bit of food, right to hand, has been nice. It does seem to add a bit to life. And I suspect it helps with energy. It is a temporary thing though. Take it where you can get it. I best get going if I want to be in town in an hour or two. Have a good one.
.
Last night, while deciding whether to make food or not, I had to take a risk in the end. While I had done a few dishes, as a token promise, I wasn't sure if cooking and eating would end up putting more dishes in the longer term queue or whether the food would induce me to finish up the dishes, all of them, sooner rather than later. While I don't know if food helps, or if I just have good and bad days based on their own merits, such gambles are just that. It ends up that the food, if it does that, or if today is just a good day "because", I have finished most of the dishes.
As for lazy, I keep wondering about that. Can you be said to be lazy if you can't service your addiction? I have been out of tobacco for the last several days. Crazy as it makes me, I haven't been able to break out of my troubles and get to town. I promised my friend I would be to town today, and I would like to make it to Mass, but troubles are just that. If I can do that, either or both, I hope to get on laundry tonight, and maybe trash and kitty litter duty ahead of time this week.
Having a bit of food, right to hand, has been nice. It does seem to add a bit to life. And I suspect it helps with energy. It is a temporary thing though. Take it where you can get it. I best get going if I want to be in town in an hour or two. Have a good one.
Not bad.
.
.
To bed by 0:00, give or take, and up before 8:00 by one to twenty minutes. Sleep was good. Dreams of women, just flirtatious stuff but there was some serious mojo with it. As much as women drive me to distraction, I just can't turn my back on them. Unless I think they might do something interesting for when I turn back around to face them. Wow, how do women move so fast, sometimes. Never mind.
I wanted something to eat. Not that I was starving. I decided on a reheat of some of the spaghetti. That went down quite well. I won't say I make, or remix, the best spaghetti and sauce. I will say I do extremely well with what I have. Somethings get better, like chili, with some time for the ingredients to marry. With spaghetti, since the sauce it out of a jar it is pretty much "married" as is. But it doesn't get worse, either. A plate of that made for an excellent breakfast, with a side of cottage cheese. An absolute fantastic mix (avoid 'yogurt' tasting cottage cheese (and sour cream)).
I can't tell if it is just overcast or if the sun isn't quite up yet. Nor am I awake enough to really tell. I might look it up, out of curiosity. I hate it when I ask a question, and someone who just freshly looked it up right before I asks acts like they know something. To be honest, without your watch or other device, there is a good chance, on any particular day, you wouldn't know what day it is. How much do we honestly just know, how much do we only know where to go to find the answer. I think the answer to that will absolutely crush you. Take away your tools, take away programs, take away phones, take away calculators or data sets, now... do your job alone. We would fall into a pile of gibbering foolishness in days without electricity, and more so alone without it. Don't let anyone fool you, a minor incident could turn into the end of the world in days. All it would take is an incident, a minor one, and then a loss of faith (even if the authorities really were on the brink of fixing it). More so in this 'get-it-now', 'has-to-be-done-already-right?' population. Won't affect the country immediately. We are used to "hold your breath and wait, we'll be 'right there'" type of b.s. We have learned, often, to do it ourselves or skip it.
Of course, at some point, the city dwellers will begin heading to us. Some will be welcomed, but most will be what they already are, a pariah, a blight. They will not be welcomed. The more dangerous among them... will become pray. There are many of them but they aren't used to mosquitoes, their fancy shoes will not last in the winter, their belligerence might initially get them what they want but it will see them abandoned and avoided, a nearly impossible way to live. Turning to absolute criminal ways? More than a losing proposition. Even if they succeeded, being unhindered and undefeated, what socialist thieves worldwide have found is that if you steal from the productive and give to the unproductive, eventually you wipe out the economy. No matter the scale.
Blathering. Later.
.
To bed by 0:00, give or take, and up before 8:00 by one to twenty minutes. Sleep was good. Dreams of women, just flirtatious stuff but there was some serious mojo with it. As much as women drive me to distraction, I just can't turn my back on them. Unless I think they might do something interesting for when I turn back around to face them. Wow, how do women move so fast, sometimes. Never mind.
I wanted something to eat. Not that I was starving. I decided on a reheat of some of the spaghetti. That went down quite well. I won't say I make, or remix, the best spaghetti and sauce. I will say I do extremely well with what I have. Somethings get better, like chili, with some time for the ingredients to marry. With spaghetti, since the sauce it out of a jar it is pretty much "married" as is. But it doesn't get worse, either. A plate of that made for an excellent breakfast, with a side of cottage cheese. An absolute fantastic mix (avoid 'yogurt' tasting cottage cheese (and sour cream)).
I can't tell if it is just overcast or if the sun isn't quite up yet. Nor am I awake enough to really tell. I might look it up, out of curiosity. I hate it when I ask a question, and someone who just freshly looked it up right before I asks acts like they know something. To be honest, without your watch or other device, there is a good chance, on any particular day, you wouldn't know what day it is. How much do we honestly just know, how much do we only know where to go to find the answer. I think the answer to that will absolutely crush you. Take away your tools, take away programs, take away phones, take away calculators or data sets, now... do your job alone. We would fall into a pile of gibbering foolishness in days without electricity, and more so alone without it. Don't let anyone fool you, a minor incident could turn into the end of the world in days. All it would take is an incident, a minor one, and then a loss of faith (even if the authorities really were on the brink of fixing it). More so in this 'get-it-now', 'has-to-be-done-already-right?' population. Won't affect the country immediately. We are used to "hold your breath and wait, we'll be 'right there'" type of b.s. We have learned, often, to do it ourselves or skip it.
Of course, at some point, the city dwellers will begin heading to us. Some will be welcomed, but most will be what they already are, a pariah, a blight. They will not be welcomed. The more dangerous among them... will become pray. There are many of them but they aren't used to mosquitoes, their fancy shoes will not last in the winter, their belligerence might initially get them what they want but it will see them abandoned and avoided, a nearly impossible way to live. Turning to absolute criminal ways? More than a losing proposition. Even if they succeeded, being unhindered and undefeated, what socialist thieves worldwide have found is that if you steal from the productive and give to the unproductive, eventually you wipe out the economy. No matter the scale.
Blathering. Later.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Close enough.
.
.
I have been trying to simply do the dishes for days, weeks really. I nibble on bits of the task, now and again, and at least keep even, give or take. No more dishes are created than are washed. Well, I got just a little further ahead tonight. I have wanted spaghetti for a while. Something always goes wrong regarding having my friend over for dinner lately. And I was tired of waiting. Besides, I can have him over for spaghetti soon. This time I was able to add some of my beat-you-over-the-head cayenne. I don't think it is all that but most people who get a touch of it do. I love spicing my spaghetti sauce into the lower stratosphere. When I have my friend over, I will be nice... most likely. No, he really can't handle anything hotter than black pepper. Same with most people I know. If you think Tabasco is hot, you fit in this category (Tabasco is 4k on the scale, my cayenne is 90k, for proof and other examples click).
I did many more things than I dirtied. I didn't overeat, either. Well, for me. Then again, maintenance calories for me range between 2670 and 3160, or something like that. Well, if I was at all active. I would guess I should probably only eat between 2,100 and 2,500 calories a day. I simply don't do enough. I know food will not get me into activity. If I try to eat myself to success I will merely gain a ton of weight. I am broken. Now, if I eat a bit more when I happen to be able to be more active? That works, so long as I cut down when I begin to slide. Though I seem to lose my appetite in those times, so it's usually easy to back off.
Blathering. But I did stay up until 23:25! Youch, it is bedtime. I wondered why, reading this over, even I thought I was blathering! Good night.
.
I have been trying to simply do the dishes for days, weeks really. I nibble on bits of the task, now and again, and at least keep even, give or take. No more dishes are created than are washed. Well, I got just a little further ahead tonight. I have wanted spaghetti for a while. Something always goes wrong regarding having my friend over for dinner lately. And I was tired of waiting. Besides, I can have him over for spaghetti soon. This time I was able to add some of my beat-you-over-the-head cayenne. I don't think it is all that but most people who get a touch of it do. I love spicing my spaghetti sauce into the lower stratosphere. When I have my friend over, I will be nice... most likely. No, he really can't handle anything hotter than black pepper. Same with most people I know. If you think Tabasco is hot, you fit in this category (Tabasco is 4k on the scale, my cayenne is 90k, for proof and other examples click).
I did many more things than I dirtied. I didn't overeat, either. Well, for me. Then again, maintenance calories for me range between 2670 and 3160, or something like that. Well, if I was at all active. I would guess I should probably only eat between 2,100 and 2,500 calories a day. I simply don't do enough. I know food will not get me into activity. If I try to eat myself to success I will merely gain a ton of weight. I am broken. Now, if I eat a bit more when I happen to be able to be more active? That works, so long as I cut down when I begin to slide. Though I seem to lose my appetite in those times, so it's usually easy to back off.
Blathering. But I did stay up until 23:25! Youch, it is bedtime. I wondered why, reading this over, even I thought I was blathering! Good night.
Heart isn't all.
.
.
I went to bed at about 17:00 last night. Simply put, running from 1:00 in the morning onward, I ran clean out of gas. But fair enough. I slept until 4:00. A little bit of extra sleep, but if I am remembering correctly, I have been shaving a bit of sleep time while I shift my sleep patterns. Even if not, shifting my schedule takes a little extra energy. So I don't mind the extra sleep. I woke pain free for the first time in a while. My goals haven't changed and I would attempt them with or without pain anyway, it just makes it all just a little easier.
I noticed Vox writing something about slowing down as we age. He finds that seems to be the case in his games. Slowing down intellectually and reflexively past the age of, say, 45. My guess is? Bunk to a greater degree. Or at least, not severely and probably not for the reasons given. Most 45 year old men are in a relationship and a career. These things are given a great deal more weight at that age, as most are finally coming to realize that time is against them. While men of this age may begin slowing down, I believe it has more to do with their minds being more concentrated on a few more things than a younger man will concern himself with. Much like a computer with a faster chip and more memory, but with bloat-ware, it may seem that the cleaned slower chip and memory configuration somehow runs faster. It doesn't, it just isn't being taxed otherwise. Physically, of course, there is some slowing. But how much of that is due to the fact that most 45 year old and older men have found more efficient ways of doing things and so have ceased the practices that would have kept them that fast?
However, I notice that in gaming, sometimes I do try to take my time. Rather than rush in, or depend on reflexes, I depend on knowledge. I am sure at times that my reflexes are slower than what I would like. Then again, the games are meant to be right on the edge of human reflexes. Too, when I was younger, I would just fight through until I was out of too much, and hope I had saved recently enough with whatever resources I might need. Young guys are like that. It also leads to seemingly faster reflexes, yet I easily finish a game faster, and with more resources, than a young player generally will. Different game play and style, with different results, and for a reason. I wonder if most older gamers gravitate to a different play style? Is it because of autonomic reduction in speed or is it based on a more reasoned approach, or... both? Who knows.
I hope to actually get to some of my goals today. Then again, I've been working on getting to them for a while. The medicines are helping, but I seem to be weighed down with something else. Perhaps less sun really does beat me into the dirt. I have a sun lamp, I really should set that up this year and experiment with it. I, for obvious reasons, don't believe in anti-depressents, per se, but I do believe in using methods and equipment as possible tools to combat a physical phenomenon. If I can't figure things out, I may just get that device set up, right beside where I play my games, and let her rip. I hate being stuck in this no-man's land.
It is a beautiful day. I am at least up to doing some of my routine, to include opening the curtains. I shaved my beard. Wow is it white. I only have parts of the mustache, and that going on down into my beard, that are somewhat dark. I must look to be 60 with that thing on, save for the obvious strength of my body one would not know? Bah! I love my beard, I just didn't want to trim it this time and it has been warm, mostly. Well, and I need to get some pictures taken for the dating site. I am not going to have a goat looking beard on for those photos! I'll save the goat beard for a wedding present! :)
Have a great day. Later.
.
I went to bed at about 17:00 last night. Simply put, running from 1:00 in the morning onward, I ran clean out of gas. But fair enough. I slept until 4:00. A little bit of extra sleep, but if I am remembering correctly, I have been shaving a bit of sleep time while I shift my sleep patterns. Even if not, shifting my schedule takes a little extra energy. So I don't mind the extra sleep. I woke pain free for the first time in a while. My goals haven't changed and I would attempt them with or without pain anyway, it just makes it all just a little easier.
I noticed Vox writing something about slowing down as we age. He finds that seems to be the case in his games. Slowing down intellectually and reflexively past the age of, say, 45. My guess is? Bunk to a greater degree. Or at least, not severely and probably not for the reasons given. Most 45 year old men are in a relationship and a career. These things are given a great deal more weight at that age, as most are finally coming to realize that time is against them. While men of this age may begin slowing down, I believe it has more to do with their minds being more concentrated on a few more things than a younger man will concern himself with. Much like a computer with a faster chip and more memory, but with bloat-ware, it may seem that the cleaned slower chip and memory configuration somehow runs faster. It doesn't, it just isn't being taxed otherwise. Physically, of course, there is some slowing. But how much of that is due to the fact that most 45 year old and older men have found more efficient ways of doing things and so have ceased the practices that would have kept them that fast?
However, I notice that in gaming, sometimes I do try to take my time. Rather than rush in, or depend on reflexes, I depend on knowledge. I am sure at times that my reflexes are slower than what I would like. Then again, the games are meant to be right on the edge of human reflexes. Too, when I was younger, I would just fight through until I was out of too much, and hope I had saved recently enough with whatever resources I might need. Young guys are like that. It also leads to seemingly faster reflexes, yet I easily finish a game faster, and with more resources, than a young player generally will. Different game play and style, with different results, and for a reason. I wonder if most older gamers gravitate to a different play style? Is it because of autonomic reduction in speed or is it based on a more reasoned approach, or... both? Who knows.
I hope to actually get to some of my goals today. Then again, I've been working on getting to them for a while. The medicines are helping, but I seem to be weighed down with something else. Perhaps less sun really does beat me into the dirt. I have a sun lamp, I really should set that up this year and experiment with it. I, for obvious reasons, don't believe in anti-depressents, per se, but I do believe in using methods and equipment as possible tools to combat a physical phenomenon. If I can't figure things out, I may just get that device set up, right beside where I play my games, and let her rip. I hate being stuck in this no-man's land.
It is a beautiful day. I am at least up to doing some of my routine, to include opening the curtains. I shaved my beard. Wow is it white. I only have parts of the mustache, and that going on down into my beard, that are somewhat dark. I must look to be 60 with that thing on, save for the obvious strength of my body one would not know? Bah! I love my beard, I just didn't want to trim it this time and it has been warm, mostly. Well, and I need to get some pictures taken for the dating site. I am not going to have a goat looking beard on for those photos! I'll save the goat beard for a wedding present! :)
Have a great day. Later.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
A few more things.
.
.
My mother and my lady friend both called this morning. I surprised them both! I was awake AND I answered the phone. I hate it when I am up but the phone is in another room so that I don't hear it. Neither had a lot to say. My lady friend was a little disappointed that I didn't send her a birthday card. Fair enough, she always does. It is just that I scratched her birthday off my to-do list being that I sent her the gift... scratched it off in my mind. Yeah, no. I'll have to work on that. Then again, I wasn't in much shape to have remembered anyway. Hmm, perhaps I should buy a small stack of cards for various people I mean to send cards to. Yeah, when I get around to it. Hey, it's sort of fun.
I placed one final order with Amazon. Oddly, I was having difficulty even placing the order. For whatever reason, nothing I tried (if there were only two things to try) was working. I called their number again. Another Indian, but a guy, so I don't care if he was cute or not, looked into the matter. He said there was no problem, but I know there was. I don't know if he took something off or changed something, but after he cleared it to work on his computer, it then worked on mine. Odd, very odd.
I ordered the waterproof mp3 player, and headsets listed there, a band to hold the earplugs in place a bit better perhaps, some shoes for the pool/gym area (in the blue/gray camo), and corrected vision goggles for swimming. Yes, but I have been watching my money, closely. Mother. I haven't spent more than I intended, and still have enough to get me through the month. If I did spend down right to the limit, leaving just enough to eat, drive, and have a meal or two out.
Next, a few emails are about to be sent regarding KoC. Just business sorts of things. Then a quick trip to town. I will skip joining the gym until the first of the month (if I do have that money set aside, I just like starting on or close to the first of the month, for billing purposes, besides my gear won't be in until then). But I do want to look for the clerk of courts, and see if they keep the records in the office or if they keep court records in another building. It is time to do research. A little shopping may occur as well.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I am getting back on my feet. The curtains have been opened again as well. Odd how everything has to be just right for me to get to the things I like. Good day.
.
My mother and my lady friend both called this morning. I surprised them both! I was awake AND I answered the phone. I hate it when I am up but the phone is in another room so that I don't hear it. Neither had a lot to say. My lady friend was a little disappointed that I didn't send her a birthday card. Fair enough, she always does. It is just that I scratched her birthday off my to-do list being that I sent her the gift... scratched it off in my mind. Yeah, no. I'll have to work on that. Then again, I wasn't in much shape to have remembered anyway. Hmm, perhaps I should buy a small stack of cards for various people I mean to send cards to. Yeah, when I get around to it. Hey, it's sort of fun.
I placed one final order with Amazon. Oddly, I was having difficulty even placing the order. For whatever reason, nothing I tried (if there were only two things to try) was working. I called their number again. Another Indian, but a guy, so I don't care if he was cute or not, looked into the matter. He said there was no problem, but I know there was. I don't know if he took something off or changed something, but after he cleared it to work on his computer, it then worked on mine. Odd, very odd.
I ordered the waterproof mp3 player, and headsets listed there, a band to hold the earplugs in place a bit better perhaps, some shoes for the pool/gym area (in the blue/gray camo), and corrected vision goggles for swimming. Yes, but I have been watching my money, closely. Mother. I haven't spent more than I intended, and still have enough to get me through the month. If I did spend down right to the limit, leaving just enough to eat, drive, and have a meal or two out.
Next, a few emails are about to be sent regarding KoC. Just business sorts of things. Then a quick trip to town. I will skip joining the gym until the first of the month (if I do have that money set aside, I just like starting on or close to the first of the month, for billing purposes, besides my gear won't be in until then). But I do want to look for the clerk of courts, and see if they keep the records in the office or if they keep court records in another building. It is time to do research. A little shopping may occur as well.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I am getting back on my feet. The curtains have been opened again as well. Odd how everything has to be just right for me to get to the things I like. Good day.
While I am still up...
.
.
Going back to bed was a no-starter. The cats have been fed. Maybe dishes will finally be done. A few emails are about to go out. And I am hoping to have enough going to go to town. While I was sitting there, sitting there, I started thinking about food. Well, yes, I am hungry. Thank you. But, that isn't what crossed my mind. As I consider joining a gym, for swimming at the moment, I need to consider food. Now, I have been cutting down, well, before I simply stopped eating. Cutting meal size and increasing the number of meals. However I believe I really need to dig further.
Calorie counting is something I never had to do when I had better health. I was in my twenties though. If I want to actually figure some things out I best consider food. It is such a tricky thing though. How to keep up with it, mostly. Adding in counting calories, adjusting carbs, fats, and proteins too, to an already somewhat baffling and overwhelming task? I fear my organizational skills and... something(s) else, is maybe lacking. How do you even begin to try to calculate calories? Do you really need to weigh everything? How much fat does a piece of meat really have? I have, in the past, attempted to count calories. The project is as much art as science, literally. And, in the end, I never felt satisfied with the notion. I was never secure in the idea that my count was accurate, no matter how fine of detail I took the process down to.
Still, it might be worth another crack at it. I would probably need a good guide. Initially, I wouldn't be changing the calories I eat. I would merely be tracking them, give or take. In time, the goal would be to adjust, switch things out, cut a bit here or there. Nothing drastic or immediate. And actually, I should probably be eating more. It might help with energy, a bit. I have to be careful though, as there is only so much "enough" food will do considering the bad heart. So I could easily end up simply chunking out. My third fiancee, a sweetheart if a troubled one, got me up to 350 pounds in a year. She loved having me fat and happy. She still should have bought a leash, but that is a whole other story.
It is tricky for me. There isn't going to be a good guide for people in my condition. We are supposed to be bedbound and being waited on, slowly turning into worm food. I am not supposed to be considering swimming, biking, hiking, or any of that. There are a few others like me. My doctors indicated as much. But we are considered extremely rare and... they don't like us much. Moving targets are much more difficult to hit... or fix in this case?
I did think this site, Freedieting, had some excellent calculators. By their rough guess, my body fat is more like 22.4%, which seems a LOT more plausible than the ridiculous numbers my doctors have tried to hand me. While I do have a 40" waist and a belly, I also have a 51" chest with some decent solid in there, my wrists are thick but mostly bone. That looks to be a reasonable site until or unless I find a better minor guide.
On to other things. Good day.
.
Going back to bed was a no-starter. The cats have been fed. Maybe dishes will finally be done. A few emails are about to go out. And I am hoping to have enough going to go to town. While I was sitting there, sitting there, I started thinking about food. Well, yes, I am hungry. Thank you. But, that isn't what crossed my mind. As I consider joining a gym, for swimming at the moment, I need to consider food. Now, I have been cutting down, well, before I simply stopped eating. Cutting meal size and increasing the number of meals. However I believe I really need to dig further.
Calorie counting is something I never had to do when I had better health. I was in my twenties though. If I want to actually figure some things out I best consider food. It is such a tricky thing though. How to keep up with it, mostly. Adding in counting calories, adjusting carbs, fats, and proteins too, to an already somewhat baffling and overwhelming task? I fear my organizational skills and... something(s) else, is maybe lacking. How do you even begin to try to calculate calories? Do you really need to weigh everything? How much fat does a piece of meat really have? I have, in the past, attempted to count calories. The project is as much art as science, literally. And, in the end, I never felt satisfied with the notion. I was never secure in the idea that my count was accurate, no matter how fine of detail I took the process down to.
Still, it might be worth another crack at it. I would probably need a good guide. Initially, I wouldn't be changing the calories I eat. I would merely be tracking them, give or take. In time, the goal would be to adjust, switch things out, cut a bit here or there. Nothing drastic or immediate. And actually, I should probably be eating more. It might help with energy, a bit. I have to be careful though, as there is only so much "enough" food will do considering the bad heart. So I could easily end up simply chunking out. My third fiancee, a sweetheart if a troubled one, got me up to 350 pounds in a year. She loved having me fat and happy. She still should have bought a leash, but that is a whole other story.
It is tricky for me. There isn't going to be a good guide for people in my condition. We are supposed to be bedbound and being waited on, slowly turning into worm food. I am not supposed to be considering swimming, biking, hiking, or any of that. There are a few others like me. My doctors indicated as much. But we are considered extremely rare and... they don't like us much. Moving targets are much more difficult to hit... or fix in this case?
I did think this site, Freedieting, had some excellent calculators. By their rough guess, my body fat is more like 22.4%, which seems a LOT more plausible than the ridiculous numbers my doctors have tried to hand me. While I do have a 40" waist and a belly, I also have a 51" chest with some decent solid in there, my wrists are thick but mostly bone. That looks to be a reasonable site until or unless I find a better minor guide.
On to other things. Good day.
It never is easy.
.
.
To bed by 21:00, give or take, I woke just before 1:00. I woke hard this morning. Sometimes I can get back to sleep, other times like today I had no chance. I feel good. Getting up this early just doesn't work well when trying to be awake in the daytime. I can do it but I become so stretched that nothing gets done. I am hoping, in a few hours, I can lay back down, setting the alarm for 8:00 or some such. I have things I would like to do in town, things I have not gotten to yet that have been in my plans for weeks, perhaps months, now.
I dreamed of what is to come shortly. I am going to offer the leader of the KoC a chance to 'let me go'. If I am too hot to handle, he will be given an opportunity to simply say the word. Yes, I suppose I have a few emails to write as well. I have to set that meeting up, first. And I have business with another knight, specifically. Then I am going to put out a call to the other knights generally. Recruiting needs to begin occurring, which means I have to have a plan in place. A plan requires participants. I will be seeking those who attend a particular Sabbath Mass regularly, who might also be willing to set up a table, put out some literature and posters, and either sign men up or send them to me. I will act as backup if someone can't make it. As well, I hope to get a registry of men in the Church and begin cold calling from that list, minus those who are already knights. When we have a schedule of events for the KoC, I would like to have that printed as part of the drive. Knowing what knights do might induce others to join. All of it is social, some of it is more like work, some of it is more like play. As well, since father is a knight as well, and I need to speak to him anyway, I may ask for his participation in recruiting.
I keep having darker dreams. Until I manage some problems I believe they will remain dark. I know I am like handling a firecracker, or worse. I am a man of extreme action, if more so only in thought these days. Then again, there has been little use for anything beyond that in some long time. I avoid trouble now, always tried to before but I had little choice in where I went or was sent. And, to some degree, I chose to be sent where there was trouble. Who knows if I can still even defend myself. If I doubt if weaponized people can ever quite change, at least after they have become feral about it.
I figured I had lost some weight. I finally remember to weigh myself before eating or drinking anything this morning. Down to the low 270's. That has to be funny for some of you? I suppose if you lost 15 pounds, you would see it? And the notion of "down to the low 270's" has to be a gas? I don't see 15 pounds gone, not really. But my underwear slide down, what I consider my tight ones. And my blue jeans need my belt to be cinched, down to the last slot. Now is the time to hit swimming! Hit it while I am losing. I bought a watch specifically to monitor my heart rate while swimming, to try and keep my heart at the best pace for losing weight. I haven't decided, yet, what pace that is. I will need to do a bit more research. Then again, initially, my goal is simply to begin piecing together laps. When I get to being able to swim, say a mile, then I can honestly begin using the monitor. Until then I will simply be experimenting with it. It will be good, at first, to check about returning-to-rest heart rate normalization. That will tell me a great deal. Yes, I am taking this seriously. Those fighting dreams really grabbed me by my brass ornaments and shook my cookie tree something awful. I still tense up when the subject comes to mind.
Hmm, later.
.
To bed by 21:00, give or take, I woke just before 1:00. I woke hard this morning. Sometimes I can get back to sleep, other times like today I had no chance. I feel good. Getting up this early just doesn't work well when trying to be awake in the daytime. I can do it but I become so stretched that nothing gets done. I am hoping, in a few hours, I can lay back down, setting the alarm for 8:00 or some such. I have things I would like to do in town, things I have not gotten to yet that have been in my plans for weeks, perhaps months, now.
I dreamed of what is to come shortly. I am going to offer the leader of the KoC a chance to 'let me go'. If I am too hot to handle, he will be given an opportunity to simply say the word. Yes, I suppose I have a few emails to write as well. I have to set that meeting up, first. And I have business with another knight, specifically. Then I am going to put out a call to the other knights generally. Recruiting needs to begin occurring, which means I have to have a plan in place. A plan requires participants. I will be seeking those who attend a particular Sabbath Mass regularly, who might also be willing to set up a table, put out some literature and posters, and either sign men up or send them to me. I will act as backup if someone can't make it. As well, I hope to get a registry of men in the Church and begin cold calling from that list, minus those who are already knights. When we have a schedule of events for the KoC, I would like to have that printed as part of the drive. Knowing what knights do might induce others to join. All of it is social, some of it is more like work, some of it is more like play. As well, since father is a knight as well, and I need to speak to him anyway, I may ask for his participation in recruiting.
I keep having darker dreams. Until I manage some problems I believe they will remain dark. I know I am like handling a firecracker, or worse. I am a man of extreme action, if more so only in thought these days. Then again, there has been little use for anything beyond that in some long time. I avoid trouble now, always tried to before but I had little choice in where I went or was sent. And, to some degree, I chose to be sent where there was trouble. Who knows if I can still even defend myself. If I doubt if weaponized people can ever quite change, at least after they have become feral about it.
I figured I had lost some weight. I finally remember to weigh myself before eating or drinking anything this morning. Down to the low 270's. That has to be funny for some of you? I suppose if you lost 15 pounds, you would see it? And the notion of "down to the low 270's" has to be a gas? I don't see 15 pounds gone, not really. But my underwear slide down, what I consider my tight ones. And my blue jeans need my belt to be cinched, down to the last slot. Now is the time to hit swimming! Hit it while I am losing. I bought a watch specifically to monitor my heart rate while swimming, to try and keep my heart at the best pace for losing weight. I haven't decided, yet, what pace that is. I will need to do a bit more research. Then again, initially, my goal is simply to begin piecing together laps. When I get to being able to swim, say a mile, then I can honestly begin using the monitor. Until then I will simply be experimenting with it. It will be good, at first, to check about returning-to-rest heart rate normalization. That will tell me a great deal. Yes, I am taking this seriously. Those fighting dreams really grabbed me by my brass ornaments and shook my cookie tree something awful. I still tense up when the subject comes to mind.
Hmm, later.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Returns.
.
.
A few of the items I ordered for the PS3, and my computer actually, need to be returned. I bought a pair of headsets. I only opened one. Within six days, the headset stopped playing out of the left side. Six days! I don't want to give the other set a chance to break. I have had headphones die, after years of use before. I know a broken wire when I "hear" one. My guess, they tried to use the absolute thinnest wire they could and it bit them and me in the butt. However, for whatever reason, the Amazon site was not letting me do the return process. Further, when I tried to get contact information, that was not showing up either. The heading was there, but the field where that information should have been was blank. I figured this process was going to be difficult, not this difficult. Finally I searched for contact information. I found it off Amazon's site at a blogger. Bloggers, coming through where companies fail. I had to call twice. The first time I was transferred, I was transferred to nowhere. The second time I got someone right away. Though she was obviously Indian, she actually was understandable, and probably cute. Nevermind. She set it up so UPS will stop by my house in the next 1-5 days, with a label. I would have had to call anyway, as it turns out. My printer isn't working and I couldn't have printed the return label. ARGH! Nothing works anymore, not for long, not well.
While I do like, and use, Amazon. I am quite sure they can be one step below Walmart in the quality of their goods. And the companies who sell through them are even worse. Still, often, it is good enough. The returns, at almost any store, are rather weak, though too. Mom and Pop stores used to be some of the worst offenders, Walmart being, generally much better. Mercantile has never favored the buyer, much as banking has never favored anyone. Everyone cheats, just a little to a whole lot. It is the way of the world and it is as it has been from the beginning. Somehow, in there somewhere, we got spoiled with good products at fair prices. That is over. Now they are trying to end returns as well. Just make it hard enough and people just might give up in frustration. Not this time.
I will be getting to town today. I promised my friend I would be in by 15:00 or so. I want to be in earlier though, to get the gym membership going and find the clerk of courts or at least where they hold court records to examine them. I really need to begin studying those to see about the accident return. Like I said, three professionals have told me what I should expect and the insurance company is offering about half of what the lowest suggestion was (over expenses). I don't like that, not at all. Plus, just getting showered, dressed, and out would be good for me.
Later.
.
A few of the items I ordered for the PS3, and my computer actually, need to be returned. I bought a pair of headsets. I only opened one. Within six days, the headset stopped playing out of the left side. Six days! I don't want to give the other set a chance to break. I have had headphones die, after years of use before. I know a broken wire when I "hear" one. My guess, they tried to use the absolute thinnest wire they could and it bit them and me in the butt. However, for whatever reason, the Amazon site was not letting me do the return process. Further, when I tried to get contact information, that was not showing up either. The heading was there, but the field where that information should have been was blank. I figured this process was going to be difficult, not this difficult. Finally I searched for contact information. I found it off Amazon's site at a blogger. Bloggers, coming through where companies fail. I had to call twice. The first time I was transferred, I was transferred to nowhere. The second time I got someone right away. Though she was obviously Indian, she actually was understandable, and probably cute. Nevermind. She set it up so UPS will stop by my house in the next 1-5 days, with a label. I would have had to call anyway, as it turns out. My printer isn't working and I couldn't have printed the return label. ARGH! Nothing works anymore, not for long, not well.
While I do like, and use, Amazon. I am quite sure they can be one step below Walmart in the quality of their goods. And the companies who sell through them are even worse. Still, often, it is good enough. The returns, at almost any store, are rather weak, though too. Mom and Pop stores used to be some of the worst offenders, Walmart being, generally much better. Mercantile has never favored the buyer, much as banking has never favored anyone. Everyone cheats, just a little to a whole lot. It is the way of the world and it is as it has been from the beginning. Somehow, in there somewhere, we got spoiled with good products at fair prices. That is over. Now they are trying to end returns as well. Just make it hard enough and people just might give up in frustration. Not this time.
I will be getting to town today. I promised my friend I would be in by 15:00 or so. I want to be in earlier though, to get the gym membership going and find the clerk of courts or at least where they hold court records to examine them. I really need to begin studying those to see about the accident return. Like I said, three professionals have told me what I should expect and the insurance company is offering about half of what the lowest suggestion was (over expenses). I don't like that, not at all. Plus, just getting showered, dressed, and out would be good for me.
Later.
Nice.
.
.
I got my friend out and about yesterday. Not sure what is going on with that lump on his head, I thought he was going to have a ct-scan yesterday. It seems not. Not sure at all. In any case, he was approved to by a pistol. He bought one and is planning to buy another. All good, I suppose. Which reminds me, I need to get back to working on buying my own pistol again. Of course, approval means nothing, not with the ATF (the ones who brought you illegal murder weapon sales to Mexico) cracking down on sellers. It seems my friend must get new ID that the ATF approves before he can buy a gun he has already received approval from the state to buy. Never mind. It's a government brown out, don't expect much.
I was up until 18:00, and was considering crashing, when some locals showed up. They just saw the lights on and decided to stop in. We had a great conversation, which lasted about three hours. I think all of us were a bit surprised when we looked at the time. Nothing like three guys talking to get some chuckles too. Chuckles are easy, when women aren't around to monitor. Then again, I've even gotten a woman or two to chuckle. Once. :p *bait*
I tried to stay up a bit longer. Well, no try about it. I am not sure how much longer I stayed up, but I realized by my game mojo that I was well beyond the daily "use by date". Sleep was easy and good. I woke at about 2:00, but this time I went back down easily. Sleeping until 4:30. Perfect. If I could hold that time period, I would be glad. Honestly though, especially in the winter, I think my mornings will slide up to 9:00 or 10:00 as a wake up and somewhere around noon as the beginning of my functional day.
If I can get in better shape, perhaps I will have more control, for longer periods of time. Remember, back when televisions were analogue, and you had a perpetual screen roll? You had to jimmy the control knob fine tuning to mostly stop that? That is how my world works. The best I will ever do, most likely, is getting those "page flips" down to a tolerable quick thing. Just an occasional blip. I just need to be on my medicine to do it.
Later.
.
I got my friend out and about yesterday. Not sure what is going on with that lump on his head, I thought he was going to have a ct-scan yesterday. It seems not. Not sure at all. In any case, he was approved to by a pistol. He bought one and is planning to buy another. All good, I suppose. Which reminds me, I need to get back to working on buying my own pistol again. Of course, approval means nothing, not with the ATF (the ones who brought you illegal murder weapon sales to Mexico) cracking down on sellers. It seems my friend must get new ID that the ATF approves before he can buy a gun he has already received approval from the state to buy. Never mind. It's a government brown out, don't expect much.
I was up until 18:00, and was considering crashing, when some locals showed up. They just saw the lights on and decided to stop in. We had a great conversation, which lasted about three hours. I think all of us were a bit surprised when we looked at the time. Nothing like three guys talking to get some chuckles too. Chuckles are easy, when women aren't around to monitor. Then again, I've even gotten a woman or two to chuckle. Once. :p *bait*
I tried to stay up a bit longer. Well, no try about it. I am not sure how much longer I stayed up, but I realized by my game mojo that I was well beyond the daily "use by date". Sleep was easy and good. I woke at about 2:00, but this time I went back down easily. Sleeping until 4:30. Perfect. If I could hold that time period, I would be glad. Honestly though, especially in the winter, I think my mornings will slide up to 9:00 or 10:00 as a wake up and somewhere around noon as the beginning of my functional day.
If I can get in better shape, perhaps I will have more control, for longer periods of time. Remember, back when televisions were analogue, and you had a perpetual screen roll? You had to jimmy the control knob fine tuning to mostly stop that? That is how my world works. The best I will ever do, most likely, is getting those "page flips" down to a tolerable quick thing. Just an occasional blip. I just need to be on my medicine to do it.
Later.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
It seems so easy.
.
.
I probably won't make Mass again today. I have to be out of the house, I promised my friend. I meant to be... further along here at home too. I ran out of steam somewhere along the line and... that was that. More was done though. And I think I will kick out dishes before I leave. I made a mistake, I had not taken care of all the backlog of clothes. I found a couple more piles. Must have still been pretty asleep when I assessed my progress earlier. Never mind that, I got to it.
Why this is so complicated? I know and it still baffles me. No reason to get angry, I have learned patience with myself. To know what I can do, at my best, is amazing. That I can only be at my best, now, for moments in a month, is frustrating. I am amazed, to a degree, that I can blog, coherently (I think?). I even do it regularly. Then again, blogging, writing, requires nearly zero energy. Energy seems to be a defining thing. The limiting factor. There is the thought processing, but this goes on with me whether I remember it or am aware of it or not. The language skills are a once-learned thing and I learned them well enough. I just wish I could do more of life like I blog.
I had a lunch. Canned chicken and noodle soup didn't sound all that appetizing but it ended up being quite good. It was too salty, way too salty, of course. Other than that, it really was tasty. And warming. I wanted something to warm my insides and that worked. I am trying to eat more. I had almost literally stopped eating. I simply forgot food, and with the dishes there, I didn't want to add to the pile. There aren't that many dishes, my last push saw to most of them being done. It is just that I didn't want to lose ground. Since I can only seem, at times, to concentrate on one area/thing at a time, concentrating on not adding to the dishes until I finished them precluded cooking, and for the most part eating. That is how my odd little world works. One thing at a time. Almost obsessive compulsive, but based on no energy rather than obsession or compulsion. Including a lack of energy to find a way around a problem, at times.
Still, it's sort of a neat little world. A Mad Hatter world. He had his place, I suppose I have mine. Later.
.
I probably won't make Mass again today. I have to be out of the house, I promised my friend. I meant to be... further along here at home too. I ran out of steam somewhere along the line and... that was that. More was done though. And I think I will kick out dishes before I leave. I made a mistake, I had not taken care of all the backlog of clothes. I found a couple more piles. Must have still been pretty asleep when I assessed my progress earlier. Never mind that, I got to it.
Why this is so complicated? I know and it still baffles me. No reason to get angry, I have learned patience with myself. To know what I can do, at my best, is amazing. That I can only be at my best, now, for moments in a month, is frustrating. I am amazed, to a degree, that I can blog, coherently (I think?). I even do it regularly. Then again, blogging, writing, requires nearly zero energy. Energy seems to be a defining thing. The limiting factor. There is the thought processing, but this goes on with me whether I remember it or am aware of it or not. The language skills are a once-learned thing and I learned them well enough. I just wish I could do more of life like I blog.
I had a lunch. Canned chicken and noodle soup didn't sound all that appetizing but it ended up being quite good. It was too salty, way too salty, of course. Other than that, it really was tasty. And warming. I wanted something to warm my insides and that worked. I am trying to eat more. I had almost literally stopped eating. I simply forgot food, and with the dishes there, I didn't want to add to the pile. There aren't that many dishes, my last push saw to most of them being done. It is just that I didn't want to lose ground. Since I can only seem, at times, to concentrate on one area/thing at a time, concentrating on not adding to the dishes until I finished them precluded cooking, and for the most part eating. That is how my odd little world works. One thing at a time. Almost obsessive compulsive, but based on no energy rather than obsession or compulsion. Including a lack of energy to find a way around a problem, at times.
Still, it's sort of a neat little world. A Mad Hatter world. He had his place, I suppose I have mine. Later.
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