Something is off.

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I can't tell you what is wrong, only that something is just off.  It's big, whatever it is.  No pain, sleep is okay but weird in that when I sleep can shift by half a day, in either direction, without notice or needlework.  At least it doesn't mess me up, or on top of the feeling that something big is messed up.  Hmm, I might have figured it out.  Will know soon.  Yeah, I'm on it, as usual.

Yesterday I woke, appropriately... I think... given bedtime.  This morning I was up at three moon beams and two clouds past 6:00.  Again, an appropriate waking time given my bedtime, if for a somewhat shorter sleep cycle.  Waking has been simple, but muted by that big weirdness that is infecting my life.  The sensation is akin to pain responses, but covering my whole body.  And so flooded with the natural pain killers that little else can be felt.  And yet I am almost absolutely certain there isn't even a hidden pain, or many pains, below my conscious awareness as can sometimes be the case.  Usually I have some idea that there is a hidden pain, unless other issues are further suppressing my ability to simply be conscious.  That isn't the case.

Odd as it might seem, this is one of the key features of my ability to survive.  Pain, felt raw and open, can kill all by itself.  It can also make you want to consciously die.  And should you be able to survive the pain itself, and overcome the call to death from it, your ability to function so as to actually live, extricate yourself from the situation, survive, is greatly degraded by pain.  This ability, alone, has saved my butt more times than I can count.  Just that.

Some people are social.  They work in groups.  They work together.  Honestly, that is the way of mankind.  It works out best.  Small self-selecting motivated groups are the best, whether as social units, military units, or what have you.  In some cases women fit in, in some cases they don't.  Women aren't warriors, but if properly motivated, they can help with defense.  My guess is, though, given the vagaries and hardness of life, women have been more dangerous to a military unit than helpful, or they would already have been a part of the military without the use of force to try to make it so.  Dogs?  Okay.  Women?  No.  Even cavemen knew this.  Not the point, mind you, just... delineating some things.

I, however, am not people.  Whether genetic or simply fated, where I walk others shouldn't.  Not when I am there, not with me, maybe not ever.  It isn't, as I once thought, because I am better, or even worse as was also posited.  It is merely fated, I think, now.  It isn't my strength, resilience, smarts, or anything of the sort.  It isn't even guaranteed the next time I go out that I will return, save that until I am released, I will continue to... walk a line others can't.  Some people prep.  Heck, I prep.  I like to be prepared.  But I know that where I go, and how things turn out, there is no way to prep.  I am seemingly dropped naked and half asleep into the middle of hell with the suggestion that I ought to get out.  Hrmm, asks I.  Yeah, just get out, I am told.  How?  I... I don't know THAT... comes the reply.  Then a cheery, Good luck, see you at the gates!  Really.  Is my life training?  I shudder to think what such training would logically lead toward.

Some people think I am grumpy.

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I'm not, really.  Sure, I come down hard on things.  Yeah, I don't much care for fashion, modern femininity or modernism pretty much, or lots of other things.  While I bark, I truly don't bite.  I warn so that one doesn't get bitten, actually.  There is a difference.  Oh yes there is.

Just can't get going.

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I haven't gotten to the snow, I haven't called my friend.  I haven't done much.  No focus.  News, blogs, drifting.  That may be it for today.

While drifting, I did notice a story that supports what I had already concluded, and long ago.  Back when I owned my first Xterra.  Now?  While the story is about Ford, I promise you that if one auto manufacturer is doing it, they all are.  Here is the story.  Basically, if you have a vehicle that is, what, less than 10 years old?  At the very least the company who manufactured that vehicle knows where it is at all times.  How much of this information is passed to the government, pick an agency?  How much of the data is hacked out, how many nosy people, criminals, or even family and friends, can use the device just as easily as the manufacturers?

Options?  Jamming.  It might or might not be legal where you are.  You will need to not just jam gps, but also discrete transmissions, most likely.  I doubt if the device in your vehicle is full on.  Most likely small packets are sent at specific times.  And, yes, the government had to know.  They sell bandwidths and such, govern them.  Companies wouldn't just do that without at the very least asking/telling.  As to finding and eliminating the devices?  It might be possible.  It wouldn't surprise me if they have backups though.  Further, every time you go into the shop, they might simply reinstall, or add a different device.  Further, it might be so integrated that it can't be isolated, or without causing damage.  I'm going to be doing some digging.

If I have to fly blind, I like them to fly blind.  I don't think they like those odds, but...  I do.  If you don't mind, go ahead.  Hmm... I wonder what sort of a system would kill my phone's ability to communicate my location, or do it accurately, including tower mislocations?  I do have some homework to do.  Oh?  And don't think phones and cars are the only offenders.  Anything you have that is electronic, some things that aren't, are spotting you for them.  Figure it out folks.

What to do.

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I had an appointment yesterday.  However, I stepped out the door to head out and found myself in four to six inches of snow.  Well, I could drive through that.  The street looked clean and there was plenty of traffic.  But I looked around.  It was snowing like mad.  Timing?  Even with extra time, between road conditions and other drivers, I just wasn't sure.  Beyond, if it continued to snow like this, more so if even a mild wind picked up, I would end up spending the night in SLC.  As cities go, SLC isn't bad.  Seriously.  Size, minorities, stink, and such.  But since the city and Dems who used to run it weren't able to outlaw guns or prevent conceal carry, or even open carry, criminals keep their heads down and stick to their areas.  The thing is, you never know, unless you live there, where those areas are.  And there can be some crossover.  Still, not at all bad for that size of a city.  Thing is, I don't want to spend $100 and change for an ugly 10x10 to stay out of those areas, and then only hopefully.  The V.A. might put me up, but in such weather, that area might be full, so...

Yeah, no.  Then I started to dig out, since I canceled the appointment.  I didn't get far.  The back walks, seven feet from the garage door on the driveway, and the front walk.  I meant to get the snow blower out.  Not sure what happened.  Next I knew, the neighbor boys were working on it.  Gah!  If I hear that I get out there, if at all possible.  I wasn't up to much shoveling, so I got the snow blower out.  It does a passable job, but them helping made it as good of a scoop out as one could hope.  I did a little bit more, scooping, after the using the snow blower, to help clean it up.  I can do some things, sometimes.  Looks like another bit of snow came through or the wind rearranged it.  I may get out and do a bit of clean up.

My friend called.  If I can do some cleanup, I may go on into town.  He has a few things he wants to do, and I have some things.  A meal wouldn't hurt either of our feelings.  And getting out, for him, would probably be fantastic.  Actually, it would be nice for me.  While I got out for the appointment, that isn't, really, like getting out.  That's just driving myself to move so that I might improve my chances at healing.  I may no longer have a great fear of dying, if that isn't the point.  It is more looking for a way to be more active, functional.  It isn't fun, the drive isn't relaxing, the company can be questionable, demanding, even hostile, the setting is a hospital which is unnerving on it's own.  Yeah, not fun.  It's business, all business.  This isn't. 

I am starting to have some... friends... there.  I question everything they believe.  I test their capacities at such.  Personal, social, religious, even professional, I push every button and throw down Doom-sized gauntlets.  Further, they can no longer pass it off as a form of insanity.  I don't know if they are friends, but they aren't passing themselves off as enemies, either.  I don't think they understand.  I am sure they don't agree.  But they don't seem intent on harm.  Some of them.  Trust is earned, both ways, fair enough.

Hey, I best get to things.  I told him I would call around noon.  But I need to handle that snow, then probably take a little downtime, then a shower before heading in.  I better get some things done, quickly.  Later.

Into town and back to a surprise, or two.

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I was amazed at how easy it was to get out.  I was running late, mind you.  But with the appointment being variable (they are kind to us at the heart transplant clinic), I can run a wee late and not be too late.  Then I hit the roads.  I never thought to review the weather.  And I took the pass!  I thought I was going to be seriously late, possibly too late.  It was snowing in the pass.  I was just hoping it wouldn't rain, or that it hadn't rained.  I just went the speed of other vehicles, making sure no one rode my bumper.  Really?  In potentially freezing conditions, people still ride bumpers?  Yes.  A#@$#$2s.  But your dearest Doom has a way of dealing with these people, rain or shine.  And texters?  Talking on the phone in an animated manner?  Eating?  Yep, saw many doing that.  Seriously people?

Never mind.  I kept it together, better than usual.  I simple drove at mid to lower speeds compared with other traffic and whatever would happen would happen.  Oddly, I somehow still made it pretty much on time.  Don't ask me.  On days when I start earlier, a lot earlier, I still only seem to get there a bit earlier.  I just don't understand some things.  Although... I may start timing the things, speed, comparing mileage, and a few other things.  If there is only an half hour difference, with greater stress and expense at the higher speed, I may just relax my way there.  Yeah, I know what they say.  But, true to my convictions, I have to see it, prove it out, and realize it myself.  I really do.  No, I don't believe.  We will see.  By the way, the best scientists aren't the ones who prove what they believe, but disprove it.  The ones who prove what they believe are more likely to have inserted bad assumptions, data, or miscalculations, assuming the whole thing isn't a fraud.  Remember that.  It's okay to be wrong, it is NOT okay to prove out wrong and still not accept it.

I did make it to town on the way back.  I didn't do everything I wanted to do, I forgot what I needed for my bank stop.  I did stop for coffee and tobacco, and added stores.  I'm telling you, I am getting a creepy feeling lately.  It has relaxed a bit, but I still feel like we are walking on ice, or I am.  Something is off.  It's not my mood, it's not my health, it is 'out there'.  Could just be personal, just mine, but I don't think so.  So... I am stocking up, putting some extra supplies up, checking the supplies I have with what I can give to that chore, and just... listening... watching.  Paranoia, if it exists, is no more a bad thing than is pain.  While pain hurts, it lets you know something is wrong, often in time to prevent serious damage.  Paranoia?  If you earned it, and I tell you I have, then it is a sense that should not be ignored.  Women have intuition.  They know that there is more than meets the eye to senses and... understandings.  So to with some men who have had to rely on... an ethereal sense.  A flicker in the 'force'.  Something.  Mine has been buzzing lately.

Oh, and I seem to have won the haiku contest!  It was the first of the set.  It was one I wasn't sure I should put out.  Go figure.  I'll be... thinking on that.  Hopefully up by tomorrow, though it might be Friday.  Unless I am dead.  Then, well...  I already told you, I'm not that lucky!  I get this spooky feeling that God will see me married long before He sees me buried.  'You lucky, lucky, bas....  I dream of being married.'  Never mind.  I do think it all funny, here in flesh... mostly.

The appointment went well.  The lowest we could get my bp was 145/92 or so.  It's not bad, but it's not great either.  I've usually been seeing it in the mid130s/mid80s.  Blood sugar was insanely high.  Then again, I've been sampling my mother's Christmas treats.  Yeah, I'll... eat those up fast.  I know, I know, but they can't be allowed to go to waste!  Hmm, yeah.  Oh, and my snow shoes arrived today!  As soon as I can, I want to try them out.  I'm not sure we have enough snow here in the valley, really.  So I may go to one of the camp ground parking spots.  The grounds themselves will be closed, basically, but they are walk in.  Usually they clear the parking spaces near the road, as snow transfer spots and vehicle breakdown areas.  From what I have seen.  Not all of them, but enough to get me into some snow walking areas.  I may also check for snow shoe areas, looking specifically for areas that are less prone to having avalanches.  Oh... I'd survive it.  It's just... those things are always a bit messy and disconcerting.  One more near death tale for you to hear about ad nauseam as well.  :p

Oh, and it isn't just my new doc that reads here.  I thought the others did too, but yeah.  Now I know.  *sniff... sniff, sniff*  Yes I do. 

Later.

Awake, mostly.

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I did get to sleep.  A little rough at first.  Just getting to sleep was the problem.  When it hit I can't say, only that when it finally hit it was like being hit by a train at speed.  I set the alarm for 4:00, hoping that... something would work right.  I woke just a bit after 3:00, on my own.  I've been tinkering this morning, with the extra time.  I could still overshoot the aim but I think I will do fine.

I suppose it is cold out, but no more than usual after thinking things over.  While I am having some problems, I did see what could be the problem.  This last Monday is known for being the most depressing Monday of the year.  I used to laugh at such notions, as I often don't fit them.  In this case I think it may be correct.  The sun, even when it puts in an appearance, doesn't seem to do it for long or do it strongly.  As such, we go through sun withdrawals, culminating in a form of depression.  That's just the way it is.  Add in that I am messing with medicine and, well, it's just the way things have to be for a while.

I hope to get to the various shops this afternoon or evening.  Who knows though.  Maybe tomorrow, if not... or the day after, or the day after that, or... next Sunday, or Wednesday, or... sometime soon.  Hmm?  Yeah, maybe a shower.  Those have been happening much more regularly.  It is sort of funny though.  When I have had a woman in my life, a lot more care is taken, and given.  It makes short separations enjoyable though.  A week off a year?  Scrunge days?  Yeah.  It's not that a woman demands these things so much as that my body responds to her, and my my mind wants certain things to be a certain way.  Slavery to a notion.  Not a bad thing, mind you.  I have to guess women go through it from their own side.

Well, later. 

Hmm?

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Dinner was perfect.  Eggs, bacon, cheese, on croissants.  Yeah, why I didn't think of it?  Hmm, never mind.  But it was perfect.  Some, most, food is just too hard.  Eggs are like protein oatmeal... or something.  Then foam stopped by and offered a notion.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  Nothing wrong with the notion.  It just wasn't quite hitting the spot.  However, it did start me on a search.

Gah!

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Sleep isn't too off.  The last few nights I couldn't sleep until very late.  But then I got in a reasonable amount of rest.  Food has been skimpy, but food is coming in and I have eaten the last few nights.  Medicine is going down rightly.  I feel a bit chill, even with the furnace cranked, but... not miserably cold.  And... I do handle the cold when I go out into it.  But...

I can't seem to write.  Comments, posts here, and such, just come out wrong.  I erased one because, while I believe what it said, generally, was good, the grammar and such was messed up.  I have tried to write a couple of posts today.  And while I got the grammar, after some effort, to within tolerances... I couldn't keep on track with the ideas.  Worse than usual, if that is one of your issues here, as a reader.  Much worse.

I have some appointments coming up.  I need to get to the store.  I have a lot of things here at home to do, on the back burners.  Bleh.  I have to be able to untangle myself from the spider webs before I can move though.  I'll figure something out before long.

Later.

What I ate isn't moving.  I mean... a huge lump in my stomach.  Nothing is working well.  Not sure what is wrong.  I'll try to eat dinner when it arrives.  Maybe that will push it all through.  Bleh.

Just can't dig out.

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It has been rough.  Not the worst of times.  There is no pain.  But there is very little of anything.  The last few nights I could not sleep until very early in the morning, 2:00 and 4:00, give or take.  I did make it to town Sunday, after a week of 'effort'.  The coffee shop wasn't open and there are a few other things I failed to purchase due to the day and time that I was able to drive in.

I have to appointments coming up, back to back.  If I can't make it to town before those, there is a chance on the way to or from one of those I might make it to the stores.  It's simply rough.  No focus, really.  I was surprised how well I could celebrate.  Any kind of a schedule would have been useless, mind you.  Thursday at 15:00?  Monday at 8:00?  Not going to happen.  Moments carved out of a glacier, more by chance and function than will, as to when or how various things happened.  I am a bit worried about making it to the appointments.  I am going to focus and do my best with those.

I won't say I am sleepy.  I just don't have a way to focus.  Hmm, but I do have a bit of food, from shopping.  Apples and pears, salami and cheese, milk and some other things.  But even getting to these things means pushing through the cobwebs.  Hunger, sometimes?  Check.  But what does that mean in the shadows of the mind?  Something about flesh.  Sometimes food is eaten, sometimes it is forgotten with everything else that just went through the mind.  Bah, I'm going to force a little bit of food down, somehow.  And, while I am pretty much out of coffee, I did buy some soda for a quick caffeine fix.  It's not as functional, but it does keep the headaches at bay.  Headaches are merely distractions, stronger or weaker.  Pain isn't the problem, it's the thinking of the pain that can be.

Never mind, just grumbling as I try to lay claim to the day, get showered and to town, and figure some of my life out.  At least it was a good Christmas.  No complaints there.  Now to carry that good a little farther.  Or take a nap?  Maybe I am still tired.  :p

Later.

Haiku Monday - Aspiration/Aspire

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CoreyJo is up with the contest.  I... wrote a couple, but decided not to present them, not yet.  I am tired, I am not sure they fit, I am in a slightly dark mood.  I will put them here and see what y'all think.  And... I will consider myself.  I wonder if... perhaps I am too dark?

I am told to quit

I am told I should face facts

I won't sleep 'til dead

for all the things wrong

my guilt, shame, mistakes, heartache

bearable for love

the wind in my hair

just impossibilities

walk through walls daily

I have been lucky enough to meet the finest teacher.

The Twelfth Day of Christmas.

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I have had the best Christmas, as a holy holiday, that I have ever enjoyed.  I didn't worry about doing this, or that.  No lights, candles, or decorations, if I would like to figure some of these things out, in time.  Presents went out, but were sent early and arrived before Christmas day, mostly.  Gifts, given and received, weren't at the core, or really were more of a dressing for celebration, in the spirit of Christmas.  It was about prayer, thanksgiving, and dealing with real and ordinary life but with the spirit of Christmas behind the days, with a greater emphasis from that as to how to deal with things.  One last day for spiritual observation.

Difficult?  In a way.  Moods, hunger, needs, wants, and such all tried to crowd in.  And they did, but they always will.  Whether you celebrate a day, two, or twelve, standard daily life will always intrude.  Unless... you realize that the intrusion of "real life"... isn't an intrusion at all.  We celebrate a birth for Christmas.  How much more "intrusive" can life get?!?  It did take a few days to understand this, mind you.  I am just a student in this area, and not the brightest of them.  But it did come to me, and earlier on.  Life is not an intrusion.  It is as much a part of the holy as it is a part of any other time in our lives.  I saw this in church, at one time.  And now in holy days.  I am learning.

Remembering to pray, to consider, and often, on each day, was not as difficult as I had supposed.  I had thought, with my mind often adrift as medicines, or weather, or health waver, that I might forget, or get lost in the world, or such.  It didn't actually end up difficult, in one sense.  My mind would and did come back to considerations of love, what God, and Christ, and the Holy Spirit, mean to me.  What my duties are, responsibilities, and what I expect in return.  God doesn't take without giving.  If you enter any contract with God, you can't lose.  Think of it in human terms, perhaps.  He is like a wealthy father.  If he wishes to buy something, he always pays more than it is worth.  If he wishes to trade something, you always come out ahead.  It might not always seem like it, but the truth is there.  And more?  While you may dearly love that parcel of land or animal, in buying it from you, somehow, it really does work out to your benefit on top of the immediate gains.  Only, instead of merely of a secular order, His transactions cover everything from financial to spiritual and are everlasting beyond even the grave.  No, prayer and consideration was not a difficulty.

I am weary.  I was not quite ready for it to be this much of a marathon event.  Next year I will have a better idea of what I am dealing with.  But weariness, in some cases, is a very good thing.  I will have eaten of the Spirit of Christmas enough to last me the year.  Easter, actually, will be a longer holy holiday as well, I now believe.  While I can't always, and might not always, celebrate these things in an official manner, for illness and other considerations, I cannot ignore them.  Here, at home, is what I have.  And so I will make room.  Even so, considering the reason, and sacrifices involved, what I offer is small, humble, even a bit begrudging... if they stopped there.  Actually no matter where they start or stop, I can't offer enough thanks.  But to keep going what I start in these times is the key.  And, so I shall endeavor. 

Merry Christmas.

The Eleventh Day of Christmas!

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A wonderful morning.  Medicine is happening as roughly as possible, but it is happening.  I have been a bit shy on food.  Hungry as a bear and yet picky somehow.  I just can't get it all right.  I can't seem to be able to get to town, either.  Ah, but it's the... thought that counts?  And, for the most part, my days of late have been pretty good.  On toward bedtime and mood and flesh crash.  Food might help, but I won't even swear to that.  Sometimes what is just is what is.

I am hoping to get to town today.  That hope is a carry over from... days, perhaps a week ago, perhaps more?  I just can't remember and I don't have it in me to read back and see.  It's in there somewhere.  My memory, at this time in my life, is actually rather good, usually.  Even in times like what I am experiencing, the memory is good... in that it is actually there.  It is a matter of being awake and able enough to focus the energy to retrieve it.  Well, and even if the memory is there, and good, it doesn't always connect well with other memories.  Rather than having a band of connected memories, I have a bunch of separate strands of memory, so playing through goals, wants, needs, and events, such as we place in our mind, I only get one of those at a time.  It is an improvement.  A vast improvement.  It simply isn't what I have known or what I hope is the final product.

A shower, I hope, shortly.  Then to town.  The grocery store then some fast food.  I will pick up some soda, splenda based, as the coffee shop isn't open for the coffee I know to be good.  Oh, there are other "good" coffees available, usually too acidic for my ability to consume regularly.  I've tried a number of them for such situations.  Terrible.  And pre-ground?  I know, a lot of people live on that stuff.  I wish I could.  Tastes like tea to me.  While I like tea, I like it chilled and with a slightly different flavor profile.  Picky?  Well... perhaps.  But when picky is based on function of need... it is what it is.  If I can't or won't use it, then why buy it?  I've just wasted money.  I simply don't have the money to waste.  Best to buy what I will use, as finicky as that makes me seem, innit?

Prayers, though, are ongoing.  Those happen in spots of psychic clarity and sometimes just... when it happens even when clarity isn't to be found.  My mind knows what I wish and does it's best, along with my conscious will.  Between the two I have been having a fine and prayerful Christmas.  In a way, I suppose, one could say this, the Eleventh Day, is Christmas Eve.  But it is not.  A second Christmas Eve, if anything, but I even discount that.  Merry Christmas.

Bedtime.

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Dark, in more ways than one.  And some things hurt, are wrong.  No, don't worry.  A verse might be a possibility as to why not.  Not the only one, as has been suggested, but a new one.  Not sure why darkness is falling so dreadfully toward bedtime.  While I have gotten to none of what I want done, my days have otherwise been mildly to pleasantly enjoyable.  No, Desert Cat, nothing like the ones I saw.  YouTube wasn't being nice so I didn't see all of them.  Yeah... did someone fall into his cup?  No worries, I have certainly jumped in and gotten a bit wet.  More like a pool, albeit.

I am not, exactly, out of anything, I realized.  Enough coffee for a bit.  Canned milk will do for now.  Enough tobacco.  But a little real food would be quite nice.  It's been a few days since I could eat.  Hurts, from time to time, but when I go to eat I just drift off.  Forgetting before I do anything about it.  Weird little life.  I need to get out before that cold front moves in but I am not sure that is possible.  Sometime tomorrow?  At least I can weather the cold rather well, if I can just... get... up!

Oh.... looks like my new doctor is reading here.  She is reading the same blog posts the last doctor read.  The last doctor only lasted one visit, tried to misdiagnose something, and had a hard time controlling her emotions.  Should be interesting to see what this next one does.  I've been watching her for days.  Her or the old doctor?  Yeah, it's her.  I'll know for sure on our first visit.  Yes I will.  Even when buried in darkness, I do see.  And I see better in the dark than the light anyway.  *sniff, sniff*  And I see with more than eyes.  Come closer.

Still in a funny mood.

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Softening, changing, morphing, and hardening in areas that were soft.  Moods are such transient unique things for me.  While I can say this mood is darker, or this one more ticklish, the truth seems difficult to nail down, even if it weren't in constant flux.  No mood is exactly quite like any other mood.  Events can change tones, the actual mood is never singular, being a mix of various of the many emotions.  Sometimes all or mostly sweet, usually some form of bittersweet leaning one way or the other and as often as not, sometimes sad or bad or just dark.  Lasting a moment or a week, give or take, then sometimes simply going away or mingling with the next wave.

Learn to flow and bend or they will break you.  But when you get the chance?  Ride them like an epic surfer on the biggest most perfect wave.  Let what happens happen.  Hopefully, in time, the results won't be... to awful.  Live and learn!

Of course, mood music for today, one song stolen, one song gleaned, another just because, all of it on point.

No coffee, light is too bright even with clouds.

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It's a rough day.  The goals were splendid.  But I have no coffee, which doesn't help.  Hungry as a bear, but I just can't... get to it.  My trip to town is, well... I am still hoping.  If I make it, it will be a quick stop at the store the a trip to a fast food joint, then back home.  I just don't have what I need to do anything more.  That is assuming I can make it.  Nothing else will be done.  Gah!  I do have to buy coffee.  A shower first.  Crawling, though.  Rough.  Hungry.

I'll try to get to it.  Later.

Something to consider.

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It just hit me, like a diamond bullet, right through the middle of my forehead.  I cause outrage in folk.  Sometimes rightly, perhaps.  But just as often because my words upset their well considered apple carts.  They want to believe what they want.  And, actually, I can't change that.  I have no power to affect change in even one other man, woman, or child.  I cannot change their beliefs.  I can't change their mind, literally or figuratively.  So... why the hate?  Ah, perhaps because I am forcing them to actually believe what they say and then do it.  Because I expect that.  I don't leave room for saying this and then doing that.  I don't leave room for saying they believe this but actually believing that.  I don't leave any wiggle room, right or wrong.  I don't even leave it for myself, if I will be the first to admit that I can and do fail.  I even leave that door open for anyone else who wishes it.  But only in honesty.

Then, it hit me again.  I am mostly, honestly, dead.  I can barely stand sometimes.  I have very little energy.  I can't sleep or wake as most do.  I don't even eat every day, and left on my own I would not eat for even weeks at a time.  How can such a humble creature be such a threat as to enrage grown up fully functioning adults?  Seriously?  You will have to come to your own conclusions.  For me?  It tells me that most adult humans, who live a life in this world, have become so attached to it that anything that threatens their connection, especially rightly, causes revulsion, fear, anger.  The world is of sin.  It makes perfect sense to me.

Do I always say the right things nicely?  Do I even always say the right things?  I do put in effort.  It doesn't really matter, to one extent.  Your emotions are your own.  Your reactions are your own.  I don't hate, if you do?  Well, I do hate sin, lies, falseness.  Cling to that and it will hurt when I write.  That is yours.  Don't try to bring it here, to me.  Bring me your doubts about what I said, but your reactions are your own.  And hate will see you at the front of the line on the road to hell.  If you hold onto beliefs even you know are false, then hate me for exposing them... it isn't going to end well.  Go to church every Sunday?  Pray for what you want?  Won't help.  Look to what God says and wants.  I do.  Imperfectly, but that is sometimes my first, but always ends up being at least my final arbitration source.  I highly recommend it.  If you think God supports abortion, or even the pill... or women in the military... or equality of men and women, or even equality of all men, then you are wrong.  Not even in hell are men all equal, certainly not in heaven.

If your hate is for something I understand, I will work with you.  But if you hide the reason for your hate because you cannot defend that reason... then it's all on you.  All of it.  It's yours.  You own it.  God doesn't want it.  No one wants it.  Satan encourages it, but only to keep you from God as he keeps himself.  He has no need for it save that it means he won't be separated from God alone.  You won't even get to keep your hate even in hell.  Let it go.  Now.

The Tenth Day of Christmas.

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I've got to tell you, while I am enjoying Christmas?  I am also getting the celebration out of my system.  Christmas, this year, won't be every day the way it used to be.  I will have had my Christmas.  However, I believe this celebration will buoy me through the year in a more serious and faithful way.  Further, I am looking for a few other holidays to celebrate a bit more similarly.  Easter, the 4th of July, and Thanksgiving, for the coming year.  The goal is to carve out a week before for shopping and generally making sure I have what I need and that I have a plan.  But have that work be a side note.  Then, the day before, set out to be ready to have an easy celebration, then celebrate on the day, and finally coast on that celebration for a bit.  Cooking extra hotdogs, or hamburgers, for example, on the 4th, and then living off that and the sides for as long as I can.  I finally "get" holidays.  I might even figure out which day they land on.  I know what day Christmas lands on... just hoping that is a regular day?  Is it Thanksgiving that changes?  The 4th had better be on the danged 4th!  But that is only half of some of the trick.  On three to five day "weekend" holidays, sometimes the celebration is held on a slightly different day.  Right?  Humans!  Calendars?  Work!  Celebrations?  You all confuse me.

People and their oddities drive me to distraction.  Then again, you all breeze through life, in the sense that just being alive is... not difficult.  It isn't a task, say, for you to breath.  You never crumble into a dark hole of thought and body for no reason, and get stuck there.  (General rule, I know some of you regulars have your own afflictions, some more severe than others.)  Running a regular schedule is not easy for anyone, I don't think, but most of you do, and can do, that.  Those of you who have a difficult time?  Imagine not having any control, like a plane that loses it's wings, or tail, or something.  No control, not always.  Just being conscious enough to think deeply enough to remember... to eat, sometimes... or to do... anything.  Plus, having no one there for when it all falls down, or to push you into compliance, a bit.  Life has improved.  Food on a more regular basis, medicine and the right stuff to treat the real problems, and a will of iron.  It looks like I fail, but should a man be able to be dropped in the middle of the ocean and swim to shore?  I've nearly done that.  I didn't even get a warning of the drop, I was asleep.  The whole time I was pretty much blind and somewhat unaware, but I was told that being in the ocean was my fault, and that the drowning sensation and fear was just an illusion.  On that score, water pills were and remain a joy.  You truly have no idea what I have just survived.  Or how impossible it is that I am actually getting better.

This morning?  I woke at, oh, 7:00?  I went to bed somewhat early last night, but I needed the sleep.  Perhaps down at 21:00 to 22:00, maybe closer to 23:00?  Some time in there.  But I needed sleep.  I have been pushing.  Need to stop pushing, by the way.  I woke, for the first time in some time, and new the date.  The day I had in mind was one off, but that was fixed internally even before my eyes popped open.  I knew I had some appointments coming up, thought the first was on a certain day, and considering the day and date of the appointment, and today's date, I figured what day it is.  And, as noted, I remembered my upcoming appointments, though I will check the time of the first one so as to... be ready.  I believe it is the afternoon one, though... I need to check.

I will be taking a shower shortly.  Then heading to town.  I really do need milk, cream, coffee, perhaps to see my friend and take him for a meal and to the store if he should prefer.  I need to stop at the bank, stop at the gym to sign off, and... then get back to do some cooking and cleaning.  Not sure what all will be done, but that is the goal.  Prayers, of course, and just... remembering Christ, the early years mostly.  Mother and Babe, His childhood, His labor as a man, His teaching and examples.  He isn't just my Lord.  He, to a degree, is an example.  I can't follow, I can't yet walk on water, and any sacrifice I make in His name or for Father are tiny in comparison.  But from children can be had only what children can give.  Not enough to save, but enough to bring some little joy.  The greatest gift is simply to live with the reality of the situation, and joyfully.  Reminds me, I need to try to sing when I go to church.  To belt it out.  Not a great singer, but... that isn't the point.

Ah... well... a bit of waking then on to... whatever today brings.  Merry Christmas!

Feisty ornery mood.

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It's not, for the most part, a mean mood.  But it can sure present like it.  Not sure what is going on.  My comments have just been, heavy, almost... sometimes... just mean, even over the line a bit from time to time.  I am trying to dial it back but it's...

Love.

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Sometimes it is easier, in good times.  Sometimes it is a brutal struggle.  Sometimes it is misunderstood.  Sometimes it brings joy, or laughter.

To all of you who know it and share it, and in the same fashion you present it.  I share it forth in like fashion.  Oh, and if you think it is I who is in need of schooling, share it your way.

I do my best.  You may do your worst.  Yeah, I don't always get it, neither do you.  Just... trust me once in a while.  I'll try to do the same.

Sociopath?

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Have you ever been called such a thing?  Well, I don't know if I was.  But if I was, I actually...  Actually twice recently, maybe.  One in a general way, one in, if what I perceived was true, a rather specific and direct manner.  And, by people to whom I give some grant of merit.  No, just because I give some one such a thing does not mean I then take what they suggest at face value.  It merely means that I will look more seriously at a suggestion from that person, and will give them a little more room to flex their notions as a general rule.

All ears.  Well, not... ears... exactly.

Both are bloggers I have in my sidebar.  One even, if I read correctly, added the suggestion of narcissism.  Oh, hey, that isn't my advisory board, yet.  Their pictures sort of got lost in the shuffle.  Hope you don't mind?

A-hahaha!  Yeah, I resemble that.

Let us start with the least first, or to my notions.  Plus, it was only insinuated in one of the potential... suggestions.  I think?  Pushing my days around can disturb memory, and creates a lack of interest in exactitude...  Horse shoes and hand grenades simply must suffice, along with a 'near enough' recall.

So, narcissist?  Well, of course!  This is a no brainer.  The question is, is it an illness or a mechanism of my situation?  That can easily be debated.  I realize the world is about me.  I don't, however, believe the world rotates about me.  Basically I am stuck, not just in a glob of flesh, but also in a diminished mind, with limited travel, and extremely limited access to other people.  Further, and so it has been for longer than even some grown children of some people have been alive.  Which might also encourage some sociopathic  tendencies.  Simply, since I can't see, rarely interact, and barely know most people.  I can say something that is considered so over the line as to potentially cause a fight, save that real life really does make a difference.  David didn't really want to take Goliath, plus he had the kill option up front.  So, yeah, there is the self, but that is because that is about all I know.  So, no, I don't think I have narcissism as an actual illness, just a natural reaction to being stuck in a trap with my own stinky self for so long.  I am no more happy about it than you are, believe me.

Looks, give or take, about right.

I did review sociopathy.  There are a lot of ifs and buts about the thing.  There seem to be some rules about it.  Now, you can't actually diagnose yourself, but you can, assuming you are somewhat rational, have some insight, and have tried to see things clearly, take things a step at a time and do a self assessment.  So I did.  What I am seeing are some striking similarities, with some glaring failures.  Brutal.  Check.  But I fear for myself, my own, and others.  Just, if I have no choice, I will wade through the living and dead to get to where I need to be and do what I need to do so long as I am able.  And I have done so.  Not only do I have fear, if not in the moment always, but later, or before, and sometimes right in it, I will know shame, regret, empathy, sympathy, and not just for the innocents, but even for the guilty.  If anything, sometimes, that latter makes me... wonder about my sanity.  Even if I did everything as well as could be done, as right...  There will be some self-loathing.  Survival sucks, sometimes.  It hurts.  Well, that isn't hypothetical.

Some get it so very wrong, eh Sarah?

Oh, I'm also as charming as a snake and just about as charismatic.  At least I'm ugly.  That'll make up for it (or leave a mark).  As to rules?  Like I'm awake long enough to learn them, and prefer to know them before acting, so that I know if I want to risk breaking one... but I rarely know so I try to... be mellow.  Hold my breath a lot, until I can't.  So... maybe on that, and depends on the situation.  If I will kill to save, what, exactly, rules are absolute?  Only God's rules, or grace, worry me.  But they do worry me.  And lies?  When is a story a lie?  When is a dream, or a vision, a lie?  When it isn't true, when it wasn't true, or until it can't be true?  What if the point is the supposed truth, then does the rest of it have to be factual?  I could be a snake, I already have the charm of it down.  Then again, I've already declared that I was one.  The question is, were the reforms real?  Not my call there.

Now, if you will kindly go away.

Yeah, so... no... Probably not.  Well, not as in a "-pathy", in either case.  One is just the result of being mostly dead in a dying world with few contacts.  The other just ain't so, if my nature might resemble the thing at times.  But, yeah, I had to check.  A response came in that clarified things though.  It isn't sociopaths that women look for, it was suggested.  As I have noted here, on this blog, myself.  Women might not be able to tell the difference, but they look for whoever seems to be in charge.  Who, here, is king... they might as well say.  That, my friends, I am.  Priest, prophet, AND king, it is my due.  And I do wear that, as a child, of whatever nature, of God.  Only, there are limits.  I do not call the tune, I abide it... falteringly, failingly, even falsely, well, until the time where I might rightfully accept my duties, and responsibilities, and so begin to call the tune.  When I am ready.  But when I realize my mistake I head back to humbler grounds.  Like a man lost in the woods, I seek the last place where I knew where I was.  Not even successful always even then.  Eventually I found my way, as I am neither dead or in heaven, or hell.  And, even so, I think God wishes for us to take chances, to reach out, to explore.  He will be waiting for us, on either side, and is with us even when we are lost.  Quite a trick.  And when I grow up?  I think He will have taught me the trick.

Later.