Well, something stirred.

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I had to push just to get some painkillers down, and then medicine.  I sat, for hours, unable to really get anything working.  I blogged a bit, read other blogs, looked at what passes for news, though more simply got a bit lost in the ether.

Finally hunger offered a bit of motivation.  That didn't, at first, allow me to cook.  It simply got me to finally take medicine and painkillers.  A bit more freefloating and then I got to making a meal.  Chuck roast, again.  Once a week.  I am getting better at making it.  I have settled on a few spices and a simple technique.  Thyme, sage, sometimes bay leaves if I am up to picking a few of the muscles apart in order to place the leaves inside the roast, garlic, and salt.  I leave that, at room temp, for an hour.  The salt, just as with steak, draws the moisture left in the beef out, then  returns it, infusing the interior with the spices and herbs.  Oh, and it tenderizes just a bit.  After the hour is up, give or take (more, actually, never less time), I then sear the roast.  No need to do the sides, that ends up getting the interior too done.  I slowly heat my cast frying pan, with fat (usually tallow), until it is hot enough to truly sear the roast.  Four minutes of that, then over and repeat, for the same time.  While I am heating that pan, I get the oven set to 415F, so that by the time I am finished searing, the oven is ready.  After both sides have been seared, the roast and pan go right into the oven.  Today I added baby carrots.  Well, they were just this side of bad and I can't find any peanut butter.  Rather than waste, roast.

Now, if I have guests, I will cook the meat for about 30 minutes.  That will see it to being done enough for women types and the men who are like them.  For myself I only cook it for 25 minutes, maybe 20 if... my native hungers are more in play.  When I played I played like I used to work and just as I eat... even to this day, bloody.  Once a week, this has become a regular.  I may begin trying to cook more often again.  Even cooking twice a week, plus with the incoming, might be enough.  Boiling eggs again would also help, though just a dozen... for three every other day, say.  Grain type stuff would be nice, for an add.  And, maybe, keeping onions on hand, and carrots, to add to meats.  I do need to eat more, this I know.  Well, that's the plan.

Something happened between, this, that, and the next thing.  An awakening.  I have business to attend, things to do, and maybe a way to it.  It does look frightening, especially with an overweening government that seems hellbent on destroying this nation, on purpose... an electorate that reminds me of the crowd who release Barnabas... in more ways than one, all mainstream institutions brutalized to work against the very reasons they were created, and a bureaucracy that was supposed to be built for my health turning it's hand against me in such a way as to literally be seeming to attempt to murder me.  Yeah.  It does look tough.  And?  I've been against the odds since I was born.  Even with genocide against babies not yet legalized, there were still ways women attempted to butcher their children.  In a world that was fighting the sins of the parents, their children were more likely to be the targets.  Having the wrong name in the wrong place meant having to fight as few can.  Having neither life nor death in my court, being more a weapon each used against the other as some sort of futile proof of it's superiority while each denying that my very existence negated their ability to have a proof.  Each made me stronger.  Perhaps wiser.  Certainly leading me to Wisdom.  If, not initially, all that happy about it.  Still, when seeking the truth and being lead to Wisdom inexorably end up being the same path, only two choices remain.  And, no, I am not saying God is on my side.  I am simply not that big.  I am saying, for my part, I aim to be on His side.  Nothing more.

So, after all this, something is moving in me.  Will it lead to great works today?  Maybe, maybe not.  Soon?  Perhaps.  I don't know.  I also, once again, do not worry.  I will do as I must, can, and what will happen after and from that will happen.  Hope?  Faith.  Charity too.  Yes.  I will begin as soon as I may.

Sleep and pain.

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I have some things I had hoped to do this weekend.  I don't think I can.  I went down early last evening.  I hurt most of the night.  Muscles, internals, a headache.  I kept trying to sleep past it or wake through it.  Neither worked.  I am awake but not in the best of shape.  Oh, I'll get better.  Just not soon.  Bleh.  I'll keep working on things.

I had several odd dreams.

In the first I was palling around with a dame, back in the day.  No, not a lover, not this one.  I think she was real, I just can't recall how or when I knew her.  She is one of those women who got away.  I suspect she thought the same about me.  But we had a ball just... going places, doing things, eating out.  It's almost like we were meant to be but that it just never happened that way.  Perhaps we met right after we had left someone else and just needed to figure out how to like the opposite sex again.  Yeah, she was a doll.

Anyway, it ended up that we were both into photography.  Well, once a year, there was a mass marriage ceremony and two of our friends, mutual friends to some degree, were to wed.  She talked me into joining the photographer pool.  There were some amazing sites to be seen, and it was an interesting experience.  Trying to track our friends among thousands of couples was a trick though too, so that took a good deal of my time.  Anyway, toward the end of the event, which ran into night as the event turned into a feast, the photographers pool was on scaffolding near the water when the scaffolding tipped.

Now that was a bit of a spooky experience.  With three levels of scaffolding, each full of people, hemmed in by each other and barriers on the sides, all falling, all falling into water, most still hemmed in, everyone trying to get to air...  A few bumps and bruises, myself.  I don't think anyone was hurt.  I was able to save the pictures.  No one was seriously hurt.  Just a memory, if a dream memory, and not a favorite one.

There was a lot more to it, but those are the highlights.  Dang but she was a pretty woman.  It's a good thing, in real life, duty called.  Or I would have broken her heart.  At least she had one guy she liked in that way to end up as a friend in memory.  If, to be honest, I don't think, for the woman's side of things, that is a good thing.  Better to have a broken heart, I am told, than a friend.  Bleh.  Dames!

I'll take anicin, and medicine.  Perhaps I have been missing medicine.  That isn't all of it though.  It seems to be a piling on of this and that.  I'll still try to do some things, but I'm pretty crippled up, beyond the pains.  The pains aren't that bad, any of them, on their own.  Even all together they aren't too horrible.  But they aren't the main problem with getting to things, either, as I wrote.  I'll... do what I can.  Later.

I never did lift off.

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Or not yet.  Feeling good enough, I did have a bite to eat.  I attempted to read, blogs and what horrid material passes as even conservative news.  Just couldn't focus.  I read a bit more into SJWs Always Lie.  The first part wasn't so interesting.  In part because I read much of it as it was happening, so the first part of the book was old news.  There wasn't much I could do about it then or now.  As I passed the halfway mark, maybe a bit more of the way through the book, it has become interesting again.  How to deal with sjws, really, is what I was interested in.  While they can't fire me, I think they are attempting to end my life through attacks on my medication.  That wasn't the only way they attacked, and isn't the only remaining way.  Including one of the female "doctors" attempting to diagnose something into my records that doesn't exist as an health issue.  Though, truth be told, since I deal with government, there is no way to fight sjws in there.

I can't quite get going.  I am hoping to get a shower or bath.  Then maybe figure out something to eat this evening, out or in, I don't care.  It would be nice to make sure I can set up dress clothes for the next few days.  Shoes... I know I have oxfords, just not where.  And they probably need polished.  If I get a shower in, or bath, maybe shopping.  Though maybe not until tomorrow.  It's messy.  I'm not working as well as I would like.  I'll keep at it.  That's that for now.  If things turn up, or out, well, I'll post something later.

Trying to figure some things out.

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So... all night... I dreamed.  Of doing this.

That sucks.

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I considered what to send my brother and family for Christmas.  Sure, perhaps a card.  Not enough.  Gifts?  But what.  Who would like what?  Food?  Sure, but with various health issues and preferences, no.  I finally decided on something.  With advise.  A really nice floral arrangement, for the Christmas centerpiece.  I went all in, as far as such things go.  Nearly a week after ordering I just received a notice that the order has been canceled.  There are no florists close enough.

Yeah, I'll... keep thinking.  Hmm, might have to make a call or two.  We might not always get along.  Might?  Always.  Toss in the sister-in-law and we have a hoot.  But... family isn't about getting along.  Not from my side of things.  I'll keep trying.  They do their best, kids as they are.  Yeah, I'll think of something.

Life sure can be frustrating.  That's not a terrible thing though.  It's what, for even those of us at the bottom of the pile... should we hold on... makes us stronger.  I can only keep getting back up if I keep getting knocked down.  This is a small one.  I'll figure something out.  Good night.

Thoughts as I prepare to sleep.

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Yeah, I'll try.  No promises.  With such a long nap I can't be sure.

Thoughts?  Chickens.  For eggs, up front.  Perhaps, in time, for meat.  Though, just as likely, those would be two different operations, different breads, the works.  In any case, I have been researching chicken feed, breeds for both meat and eggs, feeders and watering systems, heating, and whatever else people which to write or discuss.

People are passionate about their operations.  Some, to my mind, such as those who feed their chickens "organic" food, are foolish.  The rest remain to prove out or fail out.  If I have to have chickens, I don't mind putting a little work in on them.  Mixing my own feed?  If it is economical in the longer run, provides better eggs and fowl health, and just works, sure.  If it's a fool's errand, perhaps not.  Though, quite often, there is only one way to know.

More?  Sure.  If I am going to get involved with chickens, and if that works and I don't kill the birds?  Then why not goats.  You know I've considered them.  Sure, more work.  Much more care, higher costs, worries about disease and feed especially if the drought continues, but... milk, meat, and just the idea of having livestock on the place.  The freezer is fine.  Canning is good.  But without living breeding food, those other things are merely stop-gaps.

We'll see.  I actually have three places for various critters.  One is definitely set up as a hen house, the other two could be used for additional hens, goats or sheep, or even a cow.  It does get a bit complicated though.  Even just with hens.  How many, feeding, how to care for the animals if you must travel, lots of difficulties.  A small farmstead of livestock would be much more difficult.  Though, too, there are ways having more than one type of creature can help.  Chickens can clean out goat pens, goats might provide some protection from predators.

It's been an interesting few days of further research.  I have no idea how, at least for themselves, how people can feed their animals organic feed.  If it's for sale, I suppose they have figured out how to make it pay.  But for themselves, unless they are independently wealthy, I don't think it works.  You can throw good money after bad, but it really doesn't work.  Talk to your grandparents, or great grandparents.  I think a lot of people have lost a great deal along the way.  Though, too, even that generation had lost something.  When white bread became a thing, it became popular.  It also caused such massive malnutrition that the school lunch program was started.  White does taste better, and it is easier to digest, it just doesn't really feed people.  And, yes, many people would rather have tasty food than good food.  Organic, however, isn't it.  It's an adverse reaction to a real problem.

Good night.  Or later.

A five hour nap.

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Nothing hurts.  I really didn't do that much work.  Shortly after shoveling and then going to the post office, I went in to sleep and blinked five hours away.  I think when I first stepped out to shovel, the thermometer out back... I thought... read around 20 F.  I may have misread though.  For me, the temp was fine.  I wasn't dressed too warmly, though I did need mittens.

After the work I did feel chilled.  I couldn't really warm up during sleep either.  I am still a bit chilly.  I'll turn the heat up and best feed the girls.  Yeah, I think I forgot to do that.  I went down really hard and fast.  I may see about a shower and shopping tonight.  No promises, just... a hope at this point.  Plus a meal on the way.  I am hungry.  Later.

Dream, wake, work.

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The dream was... interesting.  I was back on a sub, but a fast attack.  And we were at war, probably with Russia.  Now think Modernized steampunk as to war mechanics, and theorized gentlemen's war.  For some reason a truce between one of their destroyers and "my" sub had been called.  The rules of the engagement required that, when we did this, we unloaded all weapons and weapon systems, then parlayed.  Which we were doing.  Then the CO of the foreign vessel noticed a woman.  No, not part of the crew.  We were transporting some Admirals daughter for some unknown, to me, reason.  Though she was supposed to be below-decks at all times.

Anyway, he saw her and fell in love with her.  Since she wasn't part of the crew, or war effort, he had the right, or at least no prohibition against, snatching her.  Which he fully intended to do.  He set his senior staff toward the effort of grabbing her and taking her to his ship.  With only a machete (don't ask, just happened to have it) I held them offing, killing several of the officers.  Once topside, apparently, until the parlay was agreed to be over no one could leave the deck.  Another rule, which had been made into a physics rule, until the ships disengaged, the commanding officers, and higher level officers above commanding officers, were immortal.

The machete was lost in earlier melee.  However, one of their officers had brought a fire axe, and lost it when he died or was injured.  This was tossed to me by some of the men.  Why no one else was helping, in the main, I could not tell.  Perhaps since they were all officers, they were not allowed to participate while parlay was in play.  So, I did have an axe, if it was slower and more cumbersome to use.  I am not sure what he used, though perhaps nothing being temporarily immoral.

I was sure to lose but I would not give up.  I was too vested in the pursuit at that point.  I was parrying his blows, and hitting him if to no good, when all of a sudden my axe actually bit deep.  I heard his cry of pain and terror really.  We negotiated.  We would treat his wounds, and return him after he was stabilized, but for now we had ended parlay.  Any disagreement would lead to the captains immediate death..  Later on I was told that the sub I was on had completely disengaged, and that was enough to end the parlay, which had then allowed me to strike the captain.

Oh, and you guessed it.  I ended up with the girl, and college, officer's training, and a career.

I was trying to wake at 8:45 but didn't wake until 9:30.  However, I did get out to do some shoveling.  There isn't much, just s thin drift in the drive.  However, at the ends, there were piles.  I chipped those out and moved them out of the way or I would have ended up getting caught up on those while prepping to back into the drive.  I would like to remove more but that is probably it.  I'll check the mail, too.  Then crash.  A lot of work, but all good.  Later.

Waking with a grin and pain.

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No, not an associated thing.  I had been dreaming.  A woman I spoke with recently, discussing how women take little bites or sips of things men order.  Whether a part of our meal or desert.  I don't think she liked that she had been called out.  If that truly isn't so much the point of it.  I have noted before, women are thieves, of sorts.  Family, such as mother and sister, but definitely loves.  Just a little, they will say, as they taste.  They only do it with some men, though will push it if they are dearly curious.  Some men are much more approachable, others are more in demand.  To take is to give.  No, nothing, necessarily, of... well... it can be platonic or romantic or simply of great curiosity.  I wasn't laughing at the dear lady who spotted a touch of her husband's, her man's, desert.  I fear she may have taken it as such though.  Still, laugh I did, and am.  I'm not sure why women feel so guilty, or cornered, or something, when this nature is revealed.  And so often they attempt to deny it.  Reminds me of the woman who touched the cloak Jesus was wearing.  There... is something to that connection, if it isn't complete, full, whole.  There, to me, is a spot of humor in both as well.  That was the cause of the grin.

The cause of the pain?  Have you ever waken to the world feeling as if you were on some sort of slant?  Say, ten or fifteen degrees off level horizon?  Yeah, well, I woke with that sensation.  And, either because of it, or it was caused by something which then caused what created the pain, I woke disjointed.  It seems, because I sensed the level plain was other than it was, and I attempted to find the level plain in which to sleep, I... put my body/back/neck/etcetera out.  No big deal, I'll fit back together soon enough.

Hmm, I also dreamed I was back in a college aged community.  It wasn't actually college, merely everyone around was of that age.  Yeah, I was thought of as a parent type, until they realized that wasn't the case.  I fit in well enough that, at some point, they simply stopped seeing me as a parent type.  Gaming, studying, chasing around.  Brassy and foolish enough to get caught by dames in my underwear, trying to do some traveling the lazy way.  Women love to embarrass men.  Oh, nothing bad, or good, happened.  Just... life, from another age.

Isn't it funny?  In one time or place some things would be terribly embarrassing.  And yet, in just a short bit of time, if a change happens, what was embarrassing becomes commonplace?  At least within certain parameters?  When your wife sees you in underwear, for example, at least when you realize it's okay and life just forces the issue, it becomes nothing.  Then it becomes nice, because then you know you are familiar, and home, and with a woman.  The answers to equations written, most likely, before any sun lit any sky, becomes apparent.  I'm not sure how it works with women, but I think, for them, it is getting just a touch of our desserts, meals, life.  Yes, I think so.  Didn't think the dreams were related until just now.

Later.

No, not as much as I had hoped.

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However, I did improve through the day.  I did get a shower in.  I fixed a roast, in part for lunch today.  It should last another day or two.  That was about it.  As rough as I was feeling I am a bit surprised I did even that.  The improvement helped.  I sure would like to get in to town and do some shopping, make a couple of phone calls, and dig in on house keeping.  I'll keep at it.  Oh, and I really need to call my doctor.  Perhaps to at least see if he will set up an appointment and send for medications again as well.  Bleh.  Staying on top of things is brutal sometimes.

My mother, along with keeping me updated, sent a phone number.  A woman I knew when I was quite young.  Sort of like foam, only when I was three, four, five.  I am pretty sure she protected me a time or two... or more.  She did it honestly, mind you.  She taught me some things through that, as well as... offering pretty solid protection from a... particular world.  She wanted to understand some things, and, while I don't remember exact details, I... have the gist down.

My mother suggested I be gentle, that she is 93.  Grandma Paunch, or Grandma Francis, depending.  I can't remember what I called her, but I do remember her well.  I don't think my mother should worry.  Nothing I can tell this woman, about what she wants to know, would be difficult for her to know.  She just wants to know the rest of the story.  And, for her, I am glad to tell it.  While some had great doubts, for various and differing reasons, some had hope.  She had hope, good faith, and great charity.  I only wish to thank her and fill in the blanks.  I think it will make perfect sense to her.  It will also close out some things for me.

Rough, again.

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And a bit more.  Every time I figure out one thing, or get past it, something else shows it's ugly face.  Sleep has been pretty good, medicines mostly going down, I am not tired.  But my organs feel as if someone decided to pummel then shuffle them.  If you have ever had painful gas, you have the idea.  Only it there is no need to pass gas.  It is the other organs that feel bloated and tender.  Time solves it, or has so far.  It's not always the same organs/areas.  Though sometimes, like this time, it is all of them.  On the good side, they are only slightly complaining.  I've had much worse.

I let the girls sleep in with me last night.  If nothing else, it helps the spirit.  I know they love it... once they figure out the pecking order.  Actually that is based on arrival.  First come, first served.  Usually Sam is in right as I go to bed, then heads out at some point.  Then, sometime during the night or morning, Sassy gets her chance.  It used to be the other way around.  At least they don't try to attack each other when they realize the other girl has proximity claims.   Sometimes the one who is on the outs will just snuggle up behind my knees.  Sometimes she goes off in a huff.  I just can't let them sleep with me every night, or I end up not rolling as I often need and will generate a whole body 'crick', from not rolling.  Once every other, every third day, or just once or twice a month, depending on how well I am sleeping and how much pain I am willing to risk.  Two nights in a row, these last nights.  I was worrying about my mother... company is good.

I am hoping to get to town, shopping, today.  Milk, cream, a new sort of sugar substitute, fruit if I can find good grapefruit, and some drink stuff.  Sugar free stuff.  A variety of something to drink is more important, to me, than food anymore.  If I am really feeling good, I may take my camera along and tinker a bit.  I have a small collection of pictures already.  A few more would be good.  A variety pack of pictures with which to explore Lightroom functions.  Though I just don't know.  And, of course, a meal out while I am at it.  Though whether early afternoon or later in the evening I just don't know.

I did reset the dishes, again, again.  I set a timer, again, though maybe that will get me to them in time this time.  I was in ever worse shape the last time I tried that.  I'll hit the laundry if I decide to shop much later.  And I probably ought to bag some stuff out.  Yeah, I've not been the best housekeeper lately.  It's not just medicine, it's not just the cold, it wasn't just the heat of the summer... it's just a rough spell.  I'm honestly doing what I can do.  I'll keep at it.  Later.

Not too bad.

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In one sense.  I ended up sipping quite lightly.  I fell down quite terribly though.  I ended up having just 'one' beer, and 'one' mixed drink.  Oh, and... posting... I pull those posts.  If I improve in time to review the posts I may put them, or it, back... in time.  Not sure.

I did get a message.  The surgery must have gone as planned.  If the microsurgery had not been successful they would have operated the old way and she would still be in the hospital.  Her message only indicated that she was out of surgery and okay, but no other details.  Groggy.  I called back, finally, just a bit ago.  She was just arriving home, so now I know which type of surgery was done.  She still sounds groggy and... well... post surgical.  I simply hope this helps with her sense of well being.  It's tough when organs aren't working right.  Can't do much about mine, if medicine seems to have finally helped a bit and I have learned, mostly, how to treat things beyond that... when I can.  So I am glad when surgery helps those who can be made better by it.

I didn't stay up all that late, or drink all that much.  And yet it pretty much wiped me out.  As well, I woke up really rough, as if I had consumed a great deal.  Odd.  I am glad to finally have beer back in the cave though.  I've had whiskey for a while, but just a mixed drink, often coffee based, twice a month, is about as much as I do.  If I add a couple of beers a week, actual beers, I think I'll be good.  Just another something different to drink, really.

I hate it when people go into the hospital.  You really never know if they will come out.  Even if they come out you just don't know how things will work out.  Later.

A good day.

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A simple day.  I won't be doing any timber work, I won't be lifting iron, nothing fancy and not much.  I don't hurt, I am not too tired, and I do believe I will get to some work fairly soon.  Hmm, actually, I think I already refreshed the rinse the dishes were in.  A load or two of laundry, perhaps another cycling of the dish rinse, then setting a timer.  If I leave the hot rinse go too long, drying the dishes doesn't work well.  As well, putting on a roast, and getting a bath or shower today.  It's actually a lot, until I get back up to speed.

My mother called.  She was on my mind.  I was just 'inches' away from calling her, I just hadn't quite done it yet.  Actually I was probably waiting a bit to make sure I didn't disturb her sleep.  The rare times she does sleep in, she needs it.  And, yet, someone often calls and ruins her rest.  I should know.  That is often me.  Of course she ruined more of my sleeping in than you could imagine.  Something about "school".  Well, she gave it serious effort anyway.  Still, I have pity on the woman.

Surgery, it seems.  While her primary said this, one specialist said not, so another specialist was consulted because the primary and my mother sensed the first specialist was being ageist... or had some other personal problem with care for my mother.  At one time I would have thought it just paranoia.  Now, however, I know better.  Watch yourselves out there folks, some doctors will kill you for not being in line with whatever moral or social codes they prefer, to include simply being too old... if there is such a thing.  Anyway, it turns out it was probably gall stones.  So, tomorrow, they will be removing or shattering what they can.  I think she is a bit frightened.  I wish I lived closer.  Though I think the call helped.  I only wish I had been the one to make it.  Still...  Yes, yes, she is on my prayer list.  Oh, if you would be so kind as to say a little prayer for the old girl I would be quite grateful.  She put up with me, she doesn't deserve more woe.  *wink*

It's a medium day.  No heavy light, but some.  I might open the shades, let in a bit of what is available.  Or... not.  I am hoping to get things arranged and moving before long.  This week is meant to be an active week.  Perhaps a bit of shopping.  Maybe a day out with the camera.  And of course a bit of work on the cave.  Days and nights are correctly set up, but the cycle is fragile.  I won't worry about it.  I am mostly concerned with being as active as possible, eating as rightly as possible, taking medications as well as I can, and doing the little things.  Well, and at least sleeping enough.  I can't worry about the actual schedule.  Oh, and... maybe figuring out confession and Mass, which means clothes and shoes.  Gah!  I'll... try.

Later.

Ah, but I do try.

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I wasn't sure if I would crash early, perhaps too early, or stay up too late.  As it is turning out I am going down about when at a good time.  Not a plan, just how it works.  I have been going crashing since about noon.  By doing few things, doing them slowly, I have managed to, possibly, salvage my day schedule.  Tomorrow will be a day off.  Monday, it is hoped, I will prep clothes for Mass, figure out times and days, and maybe see about something else.

I am going to start attempting to read a bit more.  I have some books along the lines of practical philosophy, a few books along the myth and monster lines, and some of faith.  I would also like to, maybe, begin reading the bible a few times a week.  I can't read all that very fast, and it might end up being too much.  Reading glasses would sure help too.  But, for now, I would simply enjoy pushing into reading while backing away from the computer for a while.  The internet doesn't require the same focus.  We'll see.

I did do a load more of laundry.  I'll be putting it into the dryer as I lay down to read, then sleep.  I won't mess with it until tomorrow beyond putting it on fluff in the dryer.  And, tomorrow, I hope to do the last of the dishes and put another load, perhaps two since they are small, through the washer and dryer.  As well, I have another chuck roast thawing.  Perhaps boiling some eggs as well tomorrow?  Or Monday.  Nothing fancy.  Just trying to do a bit and get ready for the week.

Sore, but I'm not quitter.  Dead, mostly, and I just won't quit.  I might break down from time to time.  I'll get back up when I can.  I am excited to be thinking about getting back to church, Mass.  I do miss it.  I miss a lot of things.  Even a small social from time to time.  Rest well, I know I will.  Good night.

Not today.

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As little as I did, it was too much too fast.  My arms are cramping in a minor way, from forearm to shoulder.  My thighs have been exhausted and have a nice little burn going on.  Bending for dishes and laundry, doing too much of this and that, getting out.  This is good.  It will probably get me back on track more quickly.  The thing is, that won't be today.  Not what I had hoped.

I did finish the jackets.  I may put in another load of laundry and run it through.  And I could finish dishes.  But that will be it.  Oh, well, maybe a shower, or a bath.  A soak might really help, if I can push through to it.  Not just sore and cramping, tired.  A nap, in a bit, too, I suppose.  I know.

I will endeavor to get back on track with some things.  Like an old, mostly deaf, even mostly dead dog, a call will at least rouse my attention.  Which in part is why I made great effort to make one of the two meetings this week.  It may not work.  It might.  Maybe for a while, or longer, or shorter.  For me it is not about success as many consider it, it is more about not quitting.  I can't win, but if I keep trying, even if I fail, I can't lose.  And, sometimes, I still do walk through walls... not even always just in a ghostly way.

Yes, remembering when I was younger recently... as seen in various videos...  Not always younger in the way shown.  Many of my group wondered... about good and evil, outside but more inside.  We were looking for heaven, as I suggested, only a path that did not include God, Christ, the Holy Spirit.  I learned long ago, before I was technically grown, certainly before I entertained others with a similar quest, that approaching as a child was the only way.  That part, with God not just a part of the equation but pretty much the whole of the path, remains the same.  Others tried, but could not become a child for their lust.  And, while I sinned with many women, I was sinning with curious hopeful eyes, not simple lust.  Still, that was a failure because that wasn't enough.  I have been looking for the truth for a very long time.  My fear of it was greater, in the end, than my want.  Truth had to reach out to me, then slowly reel me in.

Heaven is beside me, hell within.  But that isn't, as I had presumed for so long, the end.  Nor is the answer.  It is merely a moment.  To the Timeless One, a moment can even not be.  Just... not quite yet.  Duties to perform.  The hope is to not get lost in the duties that require the hell within.  Though, too... hell within might not be quite as it seems.  It may be a perspective of hard things from the eyes of a child who is focused only on heaven, missing some of what is required.  If you believed Jesus was Christ, and watched Him be scourged then crucified and die, you just might get lost in the hell of that so as to surrender to the state of flesh which could seemingly end God.  Or you might well see past that.  So it is with the hell within, perhaps... it is hoped.

Later.

No surprise.

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Awake well past midnight for the first time in...  Hmm, in a way, probably not that long.  But the last time I was awake past midnight it was not a stopping time, more like lunch.  It feels like a hangover.  I did, sort of, push yesterday.  All good.  No complaints, and it might snap back tonight.  Though if I want that to happen I need to push things earlier.

There are three, maybe four, things I must do today.  To my mind.  Okay, five.  I would like to kick out the dishes and tend the laundry.  I have two coats in the dryer, and one load of cottons to go through.  Hmm, might have a load of synthetics and wool too.  I may not be able to finish all the laundry.  But if I can push the cottons through I can hit the other things tomorrow.  Then another shower, maybe a bath if I can do it in a timely manner.  Then to at least confession, and then shopping this afternoon and evening.  I would like to consider Mass, but... that's a lot of people, I'm not sure I have anything proper to wear, I am not sure I am ready.

Speaking with the deacon, it seems if I am running late, there is still a place I may go without interfering with an on-going Mass.  There is no guarantee I could make even that, but it is an option and possibility.  It is open, pretty much, at the same time mass is open, if I heard that right.  While I would be alone, it is a place for prayer.  It might help me learn timing.  Or at least allow me something.  There were a few other things we discussed.  I do need to find out when again.  I think it's noon, and two or three days of the week.  I've been down for six months, was sprinting so fast to do things for the six months before that, but without direction... in a scattered manner.

Well, that's the plan.  I woke later, if I really only slept six to seven hours.  Yeah, I hope it snaps back to early to bed, early to rise.  Later.

I was remembering.

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Before Burning Man, long before, I entertained the company of another sort of clowns.  We were all looking for... something.  I think it was the truth.  Too many of those cheated though.  Drugs, dead sex, personal strengths of various sorts.  Oh, I had my own ways.  We actually came together, as it turns out, to see who was using what and to what level of success.  Invitation only.  I never, to be honest, understood why I was included.  Especially since I didn't do drugs.  Ah, right, and that is the point.  I realized, in a bit of a memory trance, why I really was included.  It was because my mind and body was going places and doing things they could only go and do on drugs.

Never can be sure.

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I didn't get on to the dishes.  I did one load of laundry through.  It's in the dryer.  I had hoped to push another load through but that simply, obviously, didn't work.  So I wore a different coat.  No bath and shower, but I did get a extra long shower in, extra hot, scrubbed thrice not the usual twice, and better even so.  I always fear that I will smell funny when going out into public.  And, perhaps I do.  People don't like telling mostly dead people that we stink.

I braided my hair.  I suppose I could have skipped that, but my hair is in one of those in between stages where it isn't one thing or another.  Braiding is as good as I could think to do.  It might not look that much better, but it is more kempt.  I simply haven't been getting out, or been able to schedule events.  I was quite lucky to have been able to push through.  I simply didn't want to miss both events.  Didn't want to miss the other.  But I am just into staying up into early evening, and wasn't able to stay up late enough that day.  Next month, I hope.

It was good to see some of the men and their wives.  I know some of them really don't like me.  That's the way it goes.  I'm not too worried about that.  I can only do what I can do, even if I talk a mean game.  And, yeah, that isn't enough for some.  Well, and I certainly have my flaws.  And, of course, there is just... bad chemistry, I suppose.  I don't worry too much about that.  I don't even really share it back.  If I am in the wrong on something they have an obligation to correct.  I don't mind.  Of course I'd naturally resist.  But if they show me it's wrong and call me on it, and they are right, I would eventually accept, apologize perhaps, seek more.  Though I don't know what any actual problem is for another.  I can't bridge that.

Still, it was good.  I don't know what is what, exactly.  But there were many I was pleased to see.  And it was good to be out.  Like the sick kid, who gets to go out to recess when he is better.  Hmm, and it might be a beginning to get me back to church, even once in a while.  I need reconciliation, maybe tomorrow.  I have been trying to get the process down, but, if I can make it, I might just... run and gun and do the best I can.  If, as I suggest, I can make it.  I don't know about staying for mass.  Even the middling crowd of this evening was a bit much.  It's been six months of no recess, mind you.  I'm not used to people, even when they are somewhat familiar.  Weekday Masses are probably the way to start.  Though, who knows.  If, if, if.  I'll add this to my prayer request.  It's pretty much all I ask for, save one other prayer.

I did stop to shop on the way back home.  I missed a bunch of things.  If I can get out tomorrow, I'll try to finish the list... if I can remember what I forgot.  Yeah, late.  Good night.

Much better.

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I couldn't get a nap in.  There isn't time now.  I will probably have to push pretty hard to make it to dinner.  I think I can, as things are going.  A load of laundry is going.  I emptied the dishes from their soak so as to get a bath in, which as I realize now will have to wait until the laundry is finished... perhaps forty five minutes from now.  A bath, actually.  Then I will put another load of wash through, set the dishes to a final soak, and perhaps get them dried and put up.  If so, I may take a shower before going to dinner.  Why?  Well, because.  A shower every few days is okay.  Some days it's good to get clean then cleaner.

The sun is out.  That isn't hurting.  A bit bright for my eyes, but I can see it around the shades.  Enough gets in for my meager needs, or even capacity to handle sometimes.  I am enjoying it greatly.  Amazing how much so little, even winter, sun, through the cracks in the shades, can do for me.

Yes, dishes, laundry, grooming, an outing, shopping.  I am taking it slow, doing a bit at a time, maintaining a rhythmic flow, not pushing too hard or fast.  And, yet, today, I may end up doing several days worth of work.  Hopefully it will be a lead into more.  I do love to work.  And the cave needs it.

Anyway... I best check things, see were they are and when I can do what.  I wrote most of this, then became distracted.   Actually, it was something slightly different.  I remembered a friend asking if I had gotten on board with this.  I keep meaning to do so, but... SQUIRREL!  Never mind.  Later.

It's an ugly tough day.

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My body is sore, tired, uncooperative.  I feel the need for more sleep.  There is no good reason for it.  Nothing new.  I have been doing well, if rather inactive, so today comes as a bit of a surprise.

I am about to take a nap.  I set it up to take a bath when I wake.  Then I'll hit the dishes and laundry, but that will be about it for here at home.  A shower later, then dinner in town.  I missed one group event, I don't plan on missing another.  After that, on the way home, if I can push through, I hope to do a spot of grocery shopping.  Milk, juice, butter, cream, maybe some meat... perhaps a few other items.

Hmm, perhaps I'll down a few anacin when I go in to sleep.  Sleep along with painkillers tend to work best.  At least with this neck, shoulder, head, muscle and bone ache type stuff that is.  The pain is mild.  But being so very tired the pain is enhanced.  A bit of sun is sort of coming through, perhaps that will help... if it stays out.

Definitely nap time.  I'll set the alarm for noon and hope to make it up before then.  Later.