Short but exceptional.

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Sleep that is.  You can't enjoy sleep until you get poor sleep with no rest from it, and for a while.  With as dysfunctional as I have been for so long, I am surprised I am able to find good rest.  Part of why is that I no longer judge or attempt to drive myself so harshly.  What did Cohen say in a later interview?  Something about no longer having an internal voice screaming at him that he is fucking up?  Right, right.  I gave that voice to the only one who has a right to it, and He doesn't need it or use it.

I must admit, I thought I would be dead by now, this time.  I have sat for months.  All attempts to get to work end up nought.  Or worse, as with dishes, blocking up my access to the shower.  I would die to have a shower, but there is a heretofore insurmountable mountain of effort in the way.

I look at it, I reset it, I...  today?  Always a hope.  I look around me.  I want it fixed.  With help, but not alone.  Stuck in my head, able to see but not do.  I went without games, hoping that would force the issue.  I just slept more.  So I found games.  Though for a while, I couldn't play games either... months?  They produce more drive, but not of body.  At least there is entertainment and vestiges of action, activity, function, when I can play.  It offers... something.

Perhaps as medicine normalizes, I can dig back in?  Will see soon.

Been without insulin for a while.  Blood sugar is 154 fasting?  Okay.  I will check it after a fatted tea.  Curious now.  That is nearly as good as it gets with long-acting insulin provided.  Fast acting alone too, sometimes.  Quite strange.  With that idea, I set a fresh pot of tea to brew.  Such a very strange world.  But in God's hands, even as a failure, it isn't a bad one.  Some people in it, but that isn't my problem even when it is.  Mostly.

You do terrify.

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Some of you don't know, but there is at least one among you who knows what I post as I write it.  I suspect several.  How?  Tech isn't my field, sight is.  Pattern recognition, the human, other two-legs, as well as a few other things are my areas.  Although I am pretty sure the watchers don't realize I know, or forgot I do have real sight.

Proof?  Someone just visited this post, a day before publishing this post.

But that isn't what terrifies.  A real or imagined beautiful body, mind, or soul will often find covetous eyes upon it.  Creepy as that is, it is no surprise.  It is your responses.  Some of you get far too much, or understand in ways which can undo me.  Even those with only kindness in your intent.  Those who hate, I... merely commiserate.  I... understand.  Save those who can and do harm.  You are wrong, and know it.  Even just in your hate, but to act on hate is... google.  For they no longer pretend to try not to be.

It is because of the harm those who hate are inflicting that I am going.  Mostly bureaucrats from what I can tell, at the federal level.  Still, they aren't the truly frightening.  I can see it in the pops... the music, humor, sadness, perhaps joy?  I... I think so.

The final public post approaches.

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Mostly the betrayal of a foggy mind or it would be done, or out there anyway.  I intended to write the notice, give it time, put out the first post, give it a few days, then put out the last post and give it several days.  Several things, actually, are proving problematic.  The timing is only slightly elongated due to confusion.  But my need to post, and some trepidation about whether to post, after creating the "last two" music posts at all... I just wasn't sure.  Pops, so many.  They were from y'all.  Still...

Once I pulled the trigger, the mind has become foggier as time has slipped my grasp.  The "last of the two music posts" should be popping soon.  Today or tomorrow.  Blogger has me on a foreign timestamp and server.  It is banished, with no way to get a correct timestamp.  Which probably means most people couldn't find it.  Anyway, that means no matter my input, I never know when something I post and queue will actually post.

A few days after, I will figure out how to cut the feed... to most of you.  The "last post" will explain that.

Another good sleep, if a bit shy.  Warm.  And I didn't keep waking to see if I was too cold.  Sam insisted I wake.  She never wakes me unfairly, so... rather than be a putz, I woke.  I probably fed them only once two days in a row?  I don't think so...  Hmm, litter?  Ah, that might be it.  I'll figure it soon.  I turned the furnace up and set an alarm.

Now for meds.  Perhaps eggs?  If they are good.  Oh, but dishes and the stove need hit first!  Ugh.  Later.

Perfect sleep.

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As close to perfection as I have had in some time.  So exceptional I slept longer than needed, something I don't like to do.  I often sleep many hours, or too few.  But when I wake, usually I not only want to get up, I have to rouse.  This was an exception, a rare one.

I reset blankets and the bedspread, settled in, then drifted swiftly to sleep.  Occasionally I would send feelers out, while maintaining sleep, to make sure my body wasn't too cold, or too hot.  It was always within tolerances.  With an inner smile, I would drift back to the unconscious nether.

I woke, officially, at 3:30 or so.  But wanted more, perhaps needed after having to fight for sleep the last few nights.  At least now, if needed or wanted, I can take a bit more time.  While the modern world demands a daily schedule, I don't... think that is natural.  When you drive men like animals, you do end up with bad behavior.  Well, and it leaves some behind.  Most.

Truth is, in almost any other time, if I hadn't been worked to death, I would have been left to die, one way or another.  Then, again, I actually should have failed, living on my own.  I often fall off medicine.  I rarely eat well.  It... even the cold could get me.  So many ways to die, and, yet, I remain.  Just enough food, medicine, heating or cooling, etc.  But just enough.  I wonder if getting as much as I seem to want would be lethal?  As if, to a degree, it matters.

Ducks and cats need fed.  Hopefully dishes and a shower soon.  Ugh.

Almost another cold night.

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This time I didn't let sleep or weariness keep me down.  Twice I woke to being down to one blanket.  Each time so very cold.  I shook myself awake and aware enough to set the blankets right.  The second time I checked more carefully, perhaps even using a flashlight to see... can't remember.  They definitely weren't just folded or kicked off.  Three were removed into separate piles.

I set the bed up correctly at bedtime.  I thought it right, from the start, but something was off so I redid my bed.  So... each blanket removed, set out in a true layering, then some tucked so as to make a partial sleeping bag.  That was somehow dismantled, twice, last night.  After the second time it remained whole.  I had to fight for it, but got a mostly toasty sleep for it.  My body feels a bit more rested, less sore... achy.

A struggle, but a good omen for the new year?  I didn't quite make it to midnight.  I definitely tried.  I was about fifteen minutes away.  I just couldn't even sit correctly, and my eyes were on fire.  My body and it's parts were in full revolt.  Absolutely no choice.  Oh, it was fun to try.

I felt awful most of yesterday.  I was wondering if blood pressure was horrible.  Nope, it was 135/95 with a pulse of 78.  Blood sugar?  At 158 without insulin, not bad.  So... no.  It must just be medicine.  Organs don't feel good, flu type symptoms... light.  But it isn't the flu.  Hmm, even the heart was uncomfortable, as if pumping was a struggle.  It was... tired?  Sore from that too.  Better this morning, so far.  And no problems beyond blanket stealing entities and occasional cold through the night.

Well... hopefully work today.  Dishes and laundry.  Uhrm, after waking and tea or coffee.  Much better to sleep warm, even a bit too warm, than otherwise.

Two final posts?

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Video posts, anyway.  Videos started popping.  Most new, a few old...  Why?  I decided to create two posts to break them up, as a gift, or bane, to my compatriots, sympathizers, and haters.  I suspect it was a bit from each of you... what created the froth.  Still, I am done.  I will not comment.  Every one of these popped since I retired.

Ducks, cats, and pork.

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To each their own.  To cats and ducks, from the pig.  A pork shoulder roast with buttered cabbage and raw whole milk.  It isn't bacon.  As my tastes are now, it is better.  Too much bacon is sugared, some is over smoked, some seems too thin or maybe rancid.  Price is no guarantee.  Actually spendy and cheap stuff have more in common than either with the middle.  I was enjoying odds and ends until rancidity became the norm.  The garbage bin has been pulled back while out.

Anyway.  Fed, all of us.  The furnace is going.  It was set to 72° as a starter.  If I take a nap shortly, begin working, or two hours slip by, I'll turn it down to 68°.  It is just good to warm, well, in the mornings.  Especially having been cold most of the night.  And it was strangely cold out there.  I believe it was eight, but frost was hanging off everything.  A bit of precip or humidity, whichever with wind heading westerly with a slightly northern tick.  A strange pattern.  That would have added to last night but not explained the blankets.

Never mind.  I am hoping to work, but food after extended accidental fasting is burning my dance card, and my love, doing dishes, is looking heavy in my arms.  Even sitting, but definitely gaming, are heavier still.  I'd still like to push to nine or ten.  It will help make it a nap, not a true failure to wake.  It increases the chance to gain and keep the day.  Legs hurt, from the cold last night.

Bleh.  Later.

A few more posts until I can figure.

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I will continue to blog.  Therapy, habit... addiction?  Perhaps with no visitors, it will fade.  Or it will become more... legitimate.  Without having to worry about the obvious sensitivities of others, prejudices even if correct, I can just write.  Oh, hey, I completely empathize.  As a crippled man knows better than to think he is normal, I know, and every flaw and blemish is plain before one called to God.  Good God, I refuse to accept broken, wrong, fallen, as acceptable.  I... just am.  Everyone is, most simply don't explore it.  Well, and volume and depth?

I will, as soon as fog lifts, figure out privacy settings.  There are people I would allow, if I knew how.  But that would take digging into the guts of the digital beast, plus trial and error.  I'm not doing well.  Just finding the privacy setting is proving a challenge.  I had created a few posts from the flood of vids that poured in since my announcement.  I cancelled them.  I may put them back in the queue?  Anyway...  Back to regularly scheduled programming, for now.
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Rough.  Meds are doing well, save insulin.  I am out.  Days are back in session, so I will call in.  I am low on everything but should have a week or two of the pill medicine.  I can't make sense of the automatic system... too many doctors, prescriptions, long numbers, dates.  They ask too much from at least this one.  One, three, hoops too many.

Blood sugar is sub 200, but just.  Haven't been eating much.  Doing so little it doesn't matter.  The body hurts, sometimes intensely, but the fog cuts the volume to less than numb horror.  I don't bother with aspirin, it wouldn't touch the pain but might gift a bloody nose.  Life is like a crisp winter day with a fresh foot of snow and a very overcast sky.  Beautiful, quiet, alone, but deceptively dangerous.  Death is here, and patient.  I would know, it is... my game.  Was.

I don't know when I was to bed.  No later than 20:00?  Probably several hours earlier?  I kept waking cold, but shouldn't have been.  I finally opened the vent to the main room.  That keeps it five to ten degrees warmer, well into my optimal sleeping range, easily, with my bedding setup.  Couldn't figure it out, in part because sleep was so needed.  Not until three was I able to wake enough to consciously take stock.

Blankets were off, the top two layers.  An unusual thing.  I don't kick off, usually just putting feet out if too hot.  I know it was set rightly at bedtime, because I was cold.  Never did warm through the night.  Ghost?  Seriously, I... have visitors.  Not all are ghosts.  Not all are kind.  Though the dark ones... seem to fear me, much as how the cats carefully consider being willful in my presence.  Dunno.

Up at 5:00 to thirty after.  A lot of sleep.  Too much.  Perhaps because I never got warm?  The cold can take it out of me.  Did.

I did get most of the trash collected and out.  I had hoped to get more, but took what I could, when I could, how I could.  I think I got a friend in trouble, kin as I see it, with my predicament.  It wasn't his fault.  A man just has to tend his matters and I just wasn't as able to do so.  It... isn't even my fault.  It just happens.

I'll grab the barrel back, feed and water critters, sort cat litter, then plot.  Call for medicine, hopefully hit the dishes, then shower.  And maybe start in on the kitchen and boxes?  Oh, and start the grill for a pork roast.  I have steamed cabbage to go with it.  It's been so long since I've had a real meal.

It is about time to retire.

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From blogging.

The world has changed.  People have moved on, or off, or died.  Those who remain don't make sense.  Perhaps they never did.  Maybe I just didn't get it.  I had thought I did.  Sure don't now.  It is such a dark world.  Some of that might be reflections of age and illness.  Most of it is the reality of what is happening.

It will get gradually darker still.  There isn't a way around it.  If your nation is looking less and less familiar, if you don't recognize, or understand your neighbor, or preacher, teacher, or the new cop?  When every news channel looks the same and reports the same fake news?  When even white male politicians of one party, sometimes both, think the death of white males is a good thing... and still get elected?

There is nothing more to say.  I just hope there is time to Yoda out rather than living long enough to have to war just to live.  It's coming.  It was easily foretold.  Few realized it would be... this way, or with "our own" leading the destruction.  Insanity, evil, it is here?  Tibet was a small nation.  But the United States?  I guess, family by family, city by city, and state by state, the destruction was small, slow, yet sure.  Look to Virginia as a most recent example, though not the worst.  Or, not yet.

Good luck folks.  And good bye.

A shorter sleep?

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I think so.  To bed by 18:00, but sleep was elusive.  A good night for prayers.  Some suggest meandering prayers are to be avoided.  For children and the dying, sometimes that is all that is available.  To be honest, I would rather pray openly, honestly, faithfully, simply, while stumbling through rather than do a directed strike, in and out, asking for what I or even someone else needs or worse wants, then be on my way.

Even when short on time, I spend a bit of extra time giving thanks and praise, first.  He already knows what is being requested.  So should I die before finishing asking, He already Has it.  What He enjoys is having His chosen spend a little time with Him.  Well, that is how I see it.

Anyway.  I woke, finally, around 1:30.  I woke several times through the night.  Ice slipping on the roof, some other odd sounds never quite identified, or just because.  Sleep was good, but shorter, more difficult to obtain and maintain, blocky.  I keep thinking about work, too.

Upon waking, I started on dishes.  The tub is slow to drain, but I have things set up for as soon as that happens.  Perhaps a load of laundry, two if they are small yet today.  Wools and whites, the rest is pretty much done.  After dishes, a shower and shave.  Ducks will get watered, fed if needed.  The girls have already been fed, but litter needs sorted.  Ugh.

If I can move on dishes and shower, I can get back to the list, kitchen and boxes.  Perhaps some business affairs I am sorely behind regarding, and... maybe some sort of winter outing.  Bundling as needed and a short walk?  I don't know, but I really want to go do something.  I love the winter, mountains, and getting out.  You would think me a hermit, a truth not a choice.  Later.

Freezing, but shouldn't be.

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It is, was, 12° F out there.  It dropped to 6° to 8°.  It really does often cool just at dawn.  That shouldn't be a problem.  I had thought I had acclimated to winter temperatures.  Something in the air is different.  Drier?  Or wetter, but cold enough to change how it feels?  I thought I might lose fingers or toes when watering the ducks shortly after waking.

I have started the grill, for beef delights, compliments to my brother.  Even dressed well for the cold it really hit me.  Even with the grill going, deliciously warm, glowing a bright orange, the cold is too intense to find a reprieve from regardless how close I get to the grill.  Still, warm food, especially meat, and hot fatted coffee, will have to be the payoff.

So, am I freezing because of health, medicine, or just a special weather situation?  I can't know.  It might be a bit of each.  Never mind, supper will fix it, I hope.  If not, perhaps getting to dishes and a shower may.  If all else fails, bundling to sleep should work.  Good night, well and morning... day.

Oofta. Watch what you eat!

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Lost in the medicine restart, I must not have put the chicken away in time.  Just the razor's edge of bad, but I got it.  I realized it at the second bite.  Texture... slightly too yielding, spongy.  Hungry as I was I quit immediately.  Not fast enough if... it could have been worse, would definitely have been worse if I hadn't the will and knowledge.

As is, three tortoise sprints to the facilities through sleep.  So tired, but the horror of the option, on a real timer counting down...  I wouldn't call any race fast, merely suggest they were all fast enough.  I may keep the bedpan up there, just in case.  If, because of it's nature, that would be an absolute last resort if no other option were available.

The first event tore me from sleep so quickly and violently that everything hurt.  Getting up quickly, from the floor, before my body had time to warm, stretch, prepare, was also part of it.  Not that it was all that fast, just faster than those things could happen.  I took a handful of aspirin.  It took from the first event at twenty thirty to waking at zero thirty for the stuff to work.

My second food event for the season.  The other I thought would see me in the ER.  I used Carolina reaper flecks in menudo... a Mexican tripe and hominy soup.  Hot!  Most folk can't go there.  I also have ghost pepper flakes, but to my tastes, the Carolina's are hotter.

Anyway, Sam was being bother, so I went all expressive vocally and with face and body.  Forgetaboutit!  Down my spoon went, into da soupa.  Uppa came a droppa da stuff, inna my eye!  Wow.  You think the tongue can be a wuss!  Everything everywhere in that area screamed.  I didn't know there were that many finely sensitive nerve receptors anywhere.  Wowsa!

As soon as I could think, I decided to rinse it.  But!  Water makes it worse, dairy makes it better... in the mouth.  But washing the eye with raw cream, with living cultures?  Water.  If that failed, I had a back up plan.  That I was able to think that clearly in that much pain?  Then again, as mentioned, I am... quite familiar with pain, lots and lots, extremely deep, pain.  Pain isn't my middle name, it is a price for humility.  Humility won't save me, but it can help see the narrow way easier.

I haven't had this much trouble with food since the girlfriend who kept poisoning me.  Actually I think there were several.  Three bad apples, peaches?, in an orchard, given that there was an orchard instead of a pair, pear?, isn't bad.  Hmm?  Thinking way out loud, my little chucklebunnies.

The soup had also been piping hot.  I like doubling down in some areas.  So I was worried.  Sure, I have touched something I bet was 1000° (the stainless grill engulfed in the fire and sitting on red coals for ten minutes on a hot day), and not burned.  But besides being mechanically hot, this was chemically hot, and involving, essentially, an interal organ.  I was just hoping the damage wouldn't be permanent.

*slush flush*  just one go, then to see, or try, literally.  Hmm?  No... problem.  None.  I still flushed three or four more times.  Then toweled off and went on my way as if nothing had happened.  No pain, redness, sensitivity, itchiness... nothing.  My eye hasn't felt better in years.  All good.  Sometimes I wonder if I am human.  Sometimes I simply know better.

Later.

Still rather empty.

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Medicine.  It takes a toll.  I have no idea when I go to sleep or wake.  Sometimes I wake too hot or cold, but can do nothing but suffer until sleep returns, hoping no damage will be done.  Numb, mostly, but pain is returning.  That is actually a good thing.  Without pain, I can't react to it.  And I'm not quite alive.  It's a dangerous situation.

I think I was awake until 13:00 to 14:00.  It was a haul, but I made it.  Sometime in the mid to later afternoon (?) I heard the lawn tractor being started, unsuccessfully.  I had some concerns, so went down.  He hadn't tried to charge the old battery, putting in the new.  He was having trouble even so.  I thought he had already put the new starter wire in, but... not.

A bit of talk.  I checked the old battery.  It was down, but just to 70%.  I put it on 2 amp charge, expecting an overnight charging cycle, if just an ignorant guess.  Still, that was the lowest charge rate.  Then went back out.  We discussed new parking arrangements, and some other things while he tinkered with the machine.  His pop drove by, we waved, so he stopped by for a bit.

Some things sorted, a lawnmower removal request, oh, and I asked if he would pick up my Christmas pack from my mom.  I've been stuck, here at home, in more ways than one, for... a while.  Pretty much since starting medicine.  In gratitude I gladly shared out some of the goodies.  It is good to share out a bit anyway.  I checked the battery as he went to the post for me.  Fully charged!

After, I crashed until midnight thirty.  I have been roughly up since.  Trying to get back to work.  Mostly just... thinking on the notion.  Gaming can help kickstart getting going.  Unfortunately the game I am trying to use has too steep of a learning curve to really dig in very deeply, while being all I have available, so...  Well, and is extremely stressful to play solo, if probably worse in groups.  I just drift between attempting to read and make sense of blogs and news sources, getting wrekt gaming, writing, and listening to music.

The ducks and girls have been tended.  Dishes are set up, but will need a lot of work.  Which needs to happen as I need a shower.  I am hoping to get at least a washing, so I can set them out and shower before resetting them.  Always something.  An attempt at... more gaming? news? blog reading?  Unless I crash.  Later.

A pleasant Christmas meal.

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The chicken was correctly done and still juicy.  I only had cranberries with the second meal.  It was amazing.  As with holidays, often, I ended up eating a bit too much.

I won't get to any work, other than putting the chicken away.  Tomorrow, or soon, I will be back to more.  Medicine is still plundering energy and will.  To have a Christmas meal, pretty much on Christmas day, will do nicely as for... if a minor... success.  I will get the girls and ducks food, water, and else, before going to bed.  Instead of their usual snacks, the ladies received chicken meat earlier.

Good night and day.

Making my move.

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I had hoped to clean the oven, then roast a chicken, on Christmas day.  Two out of three, given my schedule, with the possibility of all three and dishes?  Maybe.

I missed cleaning the oven as a first thing.  It is too psychically foggy to keep everything ordered, even often on good days.  So be it.  I started the oven.  At some point there is no easy way to change directions.  Cooling off the oven, at that point, then cleaning it, then... no.  Just... just no.

Hit a wall.

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I had been putting life back together.  Work was beginning.  Then the last few days... nothing.  I don't remember... what has been happening?  Anything?  I had to stop and think...  Ah, medicine.  I am nearly on full dose.  Started Monday.  It seemed to be going well until it wasn't.  At some point everything went blank.  Well, and meds are inverted, due to the sleep schedule.  I take morning pills at night, when I wake up, so the waterpills can work while I am awake.  And they work, if I need three to work.

Blood sugar is high, at 178 fasting.  It is a combination of not eating enough or often enough, and higher doses of one or all heart medicines.  Perhaps the waterpills push something out?  I'll keep at it as able.  It was down to 84 yesterday, for no good reason.  Bleh.

Mostly numb, if I can tell pain is back in behind that.  Medicine related.  I will have to slowly pull out of the numbness, dealing with intense pain, until I get beyond both, mostly.  It is just how these things work.  For good or ill, it is keeping me alive.  And as little as I can do when fully medicated and beyond the worst of it, it is more, better.  I only fell off trying to increase dosage to trim the last bit of problematic blood pressure, mind you.  Too much or too little and that is that.

At least there is no need for painkillers yet.  Sleep and wake cycles are mostly in check, reasonable, if inverted.  I'll make it.  I did check, looks like I have been taking my medicine.  It is easy to lose doses in the fog.  Not yet.  I get through this stage quicker if I don't miss doses.  Hard to remember in the fog, but worth the effort.  It's like trying to leave notes for a future forgetful self, where you will probably be and when and while you might be more aware... without overdoing it.  Too much, as with storm warnings, and it just gets tuned out.

I will try to get to dishes tonight, and chicken!  It's just a little turkey you know.

She must be alone too.

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A few songstresses as proxy.  Yeah... I can see that.  She is flirting on my wave length, stroking my cortex, stirring the testosterone system from port to stiff.

Happy Christmas Eve

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I woke just as it switches.  I didn't get out shopping, but had found lamb chops at a reasonable price last time, and thawed it and a chicken.  The chicken for tomorrow.  No work was done, mostly, earlier.  I may work on the oven tonight, and try to clear dishes for use, but nothing else.

Blood sugar is a bit high at 168 fasting.  Only two meals does that.  I will grill the chops shortly.  And check the ducks.  It was 36° F or warmer earlier.  Quite nice.  A heat wave.  I greatly doubt that remains, but even 25° is a heat wave this winter.  If it is warmer, it is much easier to change their water.

As mentioned, a chicken is for tomorrow... if it thaws in time.  I... have methods, if they aren't preferred.  No cranberry?  Actually I just might have bought an extra.  Nope, I have two cans!  And the whole berry type!  *blush*  I must have bought and forgot.  I can have a real Christmas dinner... uhrm, whenever it might happen.  Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner this year?  Noice.  I may not deserve it, I won't worry about that.  Then again, who actually does deserve it?  I... wouldn't raise my hand if you aren't walking on water.

Merry Christmas too, by the time I post.  Be well.

Up early.

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The new early is late?  Around 21:30.  Crashed at 15:30, after taxes, duties, and fees.  Six hours down, since I crashed asleep immediately.  After thanking God for the opportunity to successfully serve His wishes, will.  I don't know that He wants, say, for me to clean house.  But I do believe He wants us to live well, rightly.  If we can't, to strive to do so.  And humbly, with a smile.  I ought to find good whistling tunes.

If it hurts the whole time, make those pains oblations.  He knows, and He suffered both first and best.  Not asking for that, necessarily.  If there isn't a way around suffering in flesh, whether heaven or hell bound, at this time.  It is just that if you are hellbound there will never be a reprieve.  Pain becomes, if blindly as a secondary target, the or a goal.  For the heavenbound, pain is a teacher, an offering, a thing to embrace so as to know well enough to one day release, letting go of as with sin and death.

Anyway.  Today?  I am not sure.  Perhaps hitting dishes.  Then seeing about a load of laundry.  If a store is open, perhaps seeking a cornish game hen, and associated feast vittles.  I keep sweeping the bathroom.  Now that it is clean, I am trying to keep it, as if finding a spot of sanity and serenity in an insane world, so desperately clinging to it like a man clinging to debris in a storm after a shipwreck.  It feels like grabbing at straws in a tornado... where they haven't been outlawed yet.  Gah!

Anyway.  Food, dishes, laundry, more trash out even if I didn't get it to the curb on time...  which... I didn't... I will bag it and put it in the garage.  I'll have to see about bag tags.  Though I usually don't have this much trash.  It just collected off and then starting medicine.  And, if there is more, work in the kitchen.

My back is killing me.  It's not the kidneys, just the lower back.  A handful of aspirin, though the first since restarting medicine and for earned reasons.  Achy, but all muscular skeletal from beautiful efforts.  I... enjoy this sort of pain.  Just... been numb, or foggy, so if I have hurt I didn't remember for long?  It is enough to throw me off my plan with an aware mind, so aspirin.  I can glorify the pain raw tomorrow, a Christmas gift.  Some pains are far better than others.

I am also checking out a new game.  It's not really my preferred genre, or type.  I may be too old, reflexes, memory, and else too slow.  Rainbow Six Siege.  It does cause me trepidation.  Funny thing though?  From what I see from these games?  They don't teach you how to survive.  They lead you to death.

Blood sugar is 158 fasting.  Up from yesterday if still generally trending lower again.  I think starting heart medicine disrupts that.  Control is returning.

Yeah, I'll try to put a bit of work in.  Later.

Not just those things.

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I called my mother back.  Just... she worries and works so hard.  Of course, had to jack her.  Last time she called, she hit politics.  I've left that out, didn't appreciate it.  So... I told her Trump was stepping down, sometime in January.  As she crackled, fizzed, and whirred, I finished.  In 2025.

Oh.  Wonderful.  She has someone she is now going to use that on.  Generally a fellow Trumpian.  At least she can take a joke, and use it.  I think she actually enjoyed the ride.  It broke up some things though, for the moment.  But her gifts should be in.  Christmas treats and a specific directed item purchase.  Okay, but too late to check today.

Then I stayed up to after 15:00.  My eyes burn.  My lungs burn.  I am sore, tired beyond reason, and keep flunking cognitive simple checks.  A good prayer, of thanks, for the opportunity to bleed, in more ways than one, to His glory.  Nothing good comes of us save through Him.  And today was good.  Good night, and afternoon.