So very tired.

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And, yet, I can't sleep.  Can't get to much.  Medicine.  A hot fatted coffee.  That's... it, so far.

Chores next?  Maybe.  Maybe fried eggs, and that last pork chop.  Hungry.  I've been hungry since I woke.  Finished the last of the boiled eggs last night.  Those really were superior.  I had a heck of a time peeling them, but other than that...  And, for the trade-off, if that is the trade-off, okay.  Some eggs, boiled, are dubious from the start.  These were excellent.

Oh, I did go through one of my cupboards last night.  Some things were out of date five years ago... 2017?  I think there was a 2015.  Ugh.  Out.  And I sorted things a bit.  Now, sometime maybe today, I want to hit the shelving.  Take food downstairs.  Put jars on there, rightly, and sorted by size.

Chores, though, next.  When I can.  Or, maybe food first?  One or the other.  Hmm... perhaps a chia breakfast.  It is filling, and actually offers reasonable energy.  Yes, chia breakfast first, as I try to break the crushing spell... the exhaustion that just won't leave!

Maybe call mom, too.  I try my brother, from time to time, with no great success.  I'm not even sure he always even gets that I call?  Does he, or someone else, remove the notification, and forget?  No worries.  I... am guilty of that myself.  It happens, sometimes it starts with "sh".  :p

A bit darker today.  But it is 74!?! out there?  Wow.  Nice.  I... opened up the rest of the house.  The upstairs was already open, just staying open, for now.  Absolutely fabulous weather.  Well, actually?  Even with the overcast part.  I can handle this.  Happily.  If I had my things together, including self, I'd get out and hike today.  Maybe a hundred feet, maybe a mile, perhaps ten.  But I'm... not... ready, able.  This time.  I need to get ready, able.

Well... on to gaming a bit.  Oh, but I'm at a boss.  I have beat it before, but this is a new game.  Have to... sort out how to beat it, again.  This time I will look it up, as if that helps.  Usually given by tanks, or dex dps.  Rarely do casters put up boss guides.  Can't get near them, but can't get away from them.  Might as well be a close quarters fighter, because spells are useless, nearly, in many boss fights.  Why even create the class if you have to uses swords, or just die a lot until luck holds?  Bleh.

I'm most of the way back to where my last 'toon was.  Though, perhaps, a better way?  Then again, from what I am hearing, the quests were, and some might still be, broken.  The game wasn't ready to play, or had major issues, right out of the box.  Typical, these days.  It's as good as it gets, and is what it is.  So, looking up that boss.  Two bosses, actually.  Then I can get to the area where... I might even be able to now sneak even beyond without having to fight a crazy boss?  Ugh.  If I can sneak through a side way, I may be able to catch up, nearly fully, after these two bosses... three... four?  Two to four, while avoiding the fifth?  For now?  Maybe.

Later.

I dreamed of Genie?

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Well, yes, and now.  Three Genies, none of them spelled that way, only one with a "g", the other two being "j" variants.  Women I... either dated, or had plans to date.  Never worked out.  Not even in my dreams.  But I enjoyed the chases.  And I still think of them, if I don't always remember them specifically.

No one can fault me for not having tried.  I was with many women, and would have been with more, if time and allowances had worked out.  I... like women.  Not just for sex, if that is an obvious and required part of it.  So many difficulties with them, and yet I trudged on.  If I could get out a bit more, I would consider finding one again, as is.  I have seen some with interest.  I have had interest in a few.  Again, it... just hasn't worked out.

Good dreams.  Fond memories.  Pretty women.

The windows were left open again last night.  And it only got down to 62 up there, with the furnace off.  If, too, the door shut and the vent closes and blocked as well.  I did turn the furnace on this morning.  As, while it feels good... the lower temps... it still limits my ability to do things.  And I have things to do.  A shower, and perhaps shave early on.  Chores rather earlier... at least in the relative run of my day.  But, too, dishes, and maybe some laundry?  Vacuuming?  Some work in the bathroom?  Gathering trash and recycling for out?  Things like that.

Oh, but the birds.  Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, CHIRP!  No, not a problem.  It was quite a little joy, to hear them at it.  Kept waking me, but it was a good thing.  Spring has finally, officially, sprung.  Maybe they were at it earlier, but today is when I heard it, and felt it.  The 60 degree day, recently, was the opening bell.  The chirping was the first prelude to the kickoff.  It is 55, already, at 10:00.  So... yeah.

I went to bed right at 02:00, and woke right at 10:00.  Technically, for me, a perfect sleep.  The hours are off.  I am still tired.  But... it is technically right.  If I could back sleep down, say going in at 01:00, or midnight... and get it on back to, say, 19:00 to 20:00?  That would be ideal.  We'll see.  Dubious, almost never runs that way, but I keep trying.

A fatted coffee is on the way.  Breakfast a little later.  Not terribly hungry, or ready for food.  In... a bit.  Good morning and day.  I'll say a little prayer for one and all after I sign off.  Be well.

Up, not quite at it.

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Planning on a shower, shortly.  My feet are... really doing well!  Just after a few days of solid slathering, and more frequent showers, plus a little bit of cuticle and nail trimming care.  Well, and taking a few extra water pills to get the lead out!  Oh, and, my nails, toe and finger, are beginning to grow much faster.  I have backed off protein powder a bit, too.  I suppose it is just catching up, or warming up, or both.

Down between two and three again.  Up at about 09:30.  Pushing it.  But... I... couldn't sleep last night.  And... I... couldn't sleep more this morning.  It is what it is.  Oh, and I checked outdoors, first thing.  It was already 52 outside!  I did leave the windows open upstairs (only, shut up the downstairs).  It only got down to 59 up there?  Weird, but okay.  And, I didn't turn the furnace back on yesterday.  It's 62 in this front room, and 66 but oddly warm in the main room.  I did turn the furnace on, and up, but just to 72.  The chill has broken, or for today.

A bit cloudy.  That may or may not pass.  I'll have to try to sit out there, or do something out there.  Sun or no, as long as it doesn't rain.  Dancing in the rain is only cosher if it is, or has been, warmer.  I'm not ready for that today.  It honestly feels like it could snow though, again?  Oh well.

Today?  Trying to get back to things.  Breakfast is going, though just chia.  I'll have the chop and eggs later.  A shower, and very shortly.  Then dressed, and going, and on to some business.  I'd like to get to the grocery store, though who knows.  And, I'd like to sort storage in the kitchen, so I can clear the freezertop of the extra jars!  Ugh!  I can probably get enough foodstuffs down to the basement pantry to open up the shelves.  Probably.  And, if I go that way, I may open a whole lot of space... putting foods down, AND other things in their own, and/or rightful, place(s).  Bleh.

I think I can, I think, I can, I think I can, said the little choo-choo train.

Have a great morning and day.  Eat a spot, have a beverage of some sort, straighten your mind around, and get to it.  Good morning and day.

Chops.

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The grill just wouldn't heat well.  It was still 38 out, when I started the process.  So it shouldn't have been too cold.  I have grilled on freezing days, with relative success and a hot grill.  Tonight, it just wouldn't light up.  I almost timed out, but the last time I checked it, it was... glowing, broadly.  It still took... twenty... thirty... minutes, to grill the chops to something like done.  They did get done, but not crispy.  Ugh.  Or as crispy as I like.

Sassy has been begging for food all day.  I'm not sure what her deal is.  That isn't like her.  The last few days, actually.  And, she has been filling the litter boxes more than usual.  Not sure what is going on with her.  No, no extra food.  I am just giving her fewer treats, per offering, just offering them more often.  I have cut her treats in half, so I can give them four times a day, instead of two.  A... trick I learned with Sam.  And, it... worked on both of them, so far.

I had two of the chops.  One in the fridge, will be had with eggs tomorrow.  Nothing like chops and fried eggs.  Though, chia again.  I've skipped that two or three times in the last seven days.  As days warm, I'll probably not want hot breakfast?  Then again, that won't be until late May, early June?  No worries now.  Though, I could add the chia to yogurt, or such, and let it soak overnight.  That might work too.  And be cool, plus all the omega 3s.

I had hoped to do things today.  It just didn't work.  Still hoping to take a shower, air drying hair a bit before bedtime.  Not sure it will happen.  Tomorrow, morning, maybe.  Well, on to something... while I think.  Then a shower.  Goodnight.

Not much.

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Chores, just now.  Pork chops, on the grill, this evening?  Maybe.  A fatted coffee, and eggs, twice today.  Boiled eggs don't always last long.  Trying to fully enjoy them.  I've burned a dozen since making.  Four at a time.  It works for me.  Easy food.  Works even better in the summer.  Easy cold/cool food.

The rabbits were happy to see me.  Most of them.  Perhaps now they will breed?  Or conceive.  Or... make babies!  Ugh.  I'm starting to think they are millennials, or even the next gen!  They do know... if done correctly, bad is... very good... don't they?  Even I, a monster and stranger and freak... know.  Dear Lord, I'd die if I thought there were no women.  Even if I am, probably, sadly, out of the game.  I'd... love to chase again.  Couldn't chase far, or long.  It's more a matter of finding... a... group to choose from, become regular, and... then let the thing happen.  But, at this point...  Anyway...  Tomorrow.  I'll... get them in and going.

Oh?  And it is absolutely gorgeous out there!  It is 60, F.  The warmest, by far, I have seen it since early last fall!  Crazy.  I have the furnace off, and all the windows open.  Plus, with the upstairs having been open all day, I opened the door to the upstairs so the whole place gets some airing.

Oh, it feels so good!  I feel alive.  The sun is going down, but was out.  It... is just... wonderful.  I wish I had realized earlier.  I would have gone out, set out there.  I don't care if I read a book, or played checkers alone, or... just sat out there.  I... would have gotten out.  I may have to find a place where I can take a bit of food, water, find a walking stick?  Or just taking my walking poles?  And, just... go for strolls, hikes, walks, whatever... when it is like this.  Yes, the weather was getting to me.

I was going to call mom today.  I'm... not sure where my phone is.  A text, too, to someone... to see about somethings.  I'll... find my phone, soon.  Today yet.  Later.

Reasonable.

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Didn't go down until after two, nearing three... at least half after, but not yet three.  I woke at 09:30 or close enough.  Planning on another shower.  Then getting more properly dressed.  Chores, too, as soon as it looks warm enough to do so.  

A quick check shows I could do chores anytime.  It is between 48 and 49 out there already!  I can take that.  Must have suspected, as... strangely, I opened upstairs, to air out today.  With the vent shut, and filled with plastic bags and such on top of that, and the door shut, I won't just be rolling heat out onto the yard, either.

Oh, the corned beef is going.  One last meal of it.  A shower, some business, chores, then meatballs.  I'd like to do shopping, not sure I can make it.  Feeling... good, though.  Feeling almost ready.  I have started medicine, but just on half doses.  Not quite ready for full blast, it has been too long.  Though, I'd like to get a few months set up, if I have it, and then hit it as soon as I run out of the four doses I am using as single day doses.

I mean:  I usually take two doses a day, not exactly the same, but pretty close.  I have been using a single of those, per day, for a few days, and have a few more left.  After that, I will try to go back to two doses a day.  I overdid, then fell.  I could only do so much, keep trying to do more, and... do more, but fail in other areas.

Imagine you could only do, say, ten things a day.  Any things.  But, those things have to include cooking, cleaning sessions, dishes, taking medicine... every discreet project, duty, or job.  But, only ten.  And, let us say, somehow, you push it to twelve.  But, those things, by their nature, exclude other things.  Well, that is sort of how I live.  No matter how hard I try, that is it, or pretty close to it.

Though, if I push to ten, or fourteen, things a day, for a while... or simply go beyond my cap for a while?  Then I have to go a week to a month doing three or four things a day.  It isn't a fair tradeoff.  I don't get as much as I lose.  I lose far more, for far longer.  I get punished for trying.  And, yet, sometimes I have no choice.  Going for gold requires sacrifice.

Anyway...  So be it.  I am still in the sacrifice stage.  Edging back to my old normal, but slowly.  Breakfast is ready, if you could call corned beef and cabbage breakfast.  It will, to my mind, do quite nicely.  Good morning, day, and else.  Be well.  Later.

So tired.

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And, yet, here I sit, at a bit after midnight, typing.  I should have been asleep hours ago.  I made progress in my game, broke through to something I needed, which is allowing me to get back on track with a number of things.  But, that isn't why I am still awake.  Insomnia.  A minor case/form of it, but... yes.  That's been dogging my steps for a while now.

Another meal, out of the corned beef.  One meal left.  I didn't do pork meatballs, but hope to tomorrow.  And pork chops, most likely, with a salad.  Oh, and those boiled eggs are... good.  I worried, a bit.  They are old.  I get new, every two weeks.  But... I... had some from... a while ago, ago.  I didn't want to waste them, or use the new for boiled.  I floated tested them.  They seemed legit.  I did toss a few I was queasy regarding.  But, the rest seem quite good.

Not only good, they are far better than storebought.  And, to be honest, probably fresher.  I really have gotten lucky, with regards to fresh and farm goods and foods.  What I can afford, anyway.

I didn't get done, today, what was needed.  I did do some small things.  Just keeping up on waterers, for the rabbits, for example.  Keep pushing to finish and fully catch up, it just slips my grasp, aim.  But, a shower and shave makes doing other things more probable, and soon?  So very tired.

I don't know if I mentioned, but it got up to 52 out there.  It didn't feel it, but... in another way, it did.  Feels more like fall than spring, I suppose, is why that 52 feels like it's going down, not coming up.  Hopefully that isn't the case.  I'd hate to miss another summer.  Or have too short of one.  Meh, it all works out, or doesn't.  *grins*  *rictus grins?*  Maybe.

On to bed.  Goodnight, sleep well, dream as you may.  

Starting late.

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But, starting.  Started.  Sassy has been attended, well, this morning.  I have had breakfast, and my version of 'seltzer water'.  Things dried up, mostly, after that, until right at noon.  Something... inspired, pushed, pulled, begged, and it worked.  To it, in a couple of little ways.

Chores.  Only the housed rabbits needed fresh water.  They have such tiny waterers.  But everyone needed food?  Well, two or four still had some left, out of ten.  But, little enough left I added some to most of even those.  It is nice out there, if, strangely, the ground is still frozen?  It is a very strange weather system this spring.  So be it.

Then, on to a shower.  Right away, no break was needed!  A nice, long, hot, shower.  Clean, again.  Maybe not every day, but every other.  Vera noice.  As well, I shaved.  Not as closely as the other day, but a good follow-up.  Now, if I could shave twice a week, I could keep my face in some kind of showing condition.  Showering as well.  They go good together, but aren't necessary to be together.  And, some days, I just can't do both, especially with what else is required.

So tired, even so.  Working doesn't... add to that, mostly.  Unless it is heavier work.  The sensation may prevent work, either through literally physically breaking down far too quickly, or just causing a mind fog impossible to break through.  I do my best, but reality is what it is.  That is why they tried to just let me die.  No fixing some things, people.

Oh, anyway... and I got dinner going.  The corned beef is in, simmering.  I know, two in a row.  But I truly love the stuff.  And I have another one in the freezer.  Plus, I need the stock for soup, in a day or two.  Damned fine food, all by itself.  When doubled up, into another stew, it is closing in on mom food... her best.  Not quite, but mom food is... a dream, ideal, notion, hope, want, not a reality.  It can't be obtained, only... neared.

Oh, right, I have eggs boiled!  I might have a few of those, with some fatted coffee.  Just... yea.  Need to get them eaten, and really do like them.  It's been a long while, too long.

Drying off, then I will dress like a grownup.  Not... necessarily for any reason.  Gas costs too much to do any real travel.  Don't even want to go to town.  May have too, soon enough.  But, not yet, today?  Or... is there something?  Bleh.  So... foggy.  Coffee, drying, eggs, and gaming... with a timer set for two hours?  Sure.  Why not.  Try to get to something then, if not before.  Might get up and get dressed in there.  Later.

Up, again, sort of getting at it.

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Pee jug dumped, rinsed, and cleaned.  Sassy fed and her litter tended.  Plus, she got some attention.  Don't forget the critter for the duty.  She's a little darling, I want her to know it.  Some other things, but I forget in the morning mind fog.  It is 34 to 35 out there.  It must have been below freezing last night, to still be that cool well into the morning.

Just turned nine and a dime here.  I've been up since about 08:30.  Dressed, if in pajamas.  Then again, I crashed in them last night.  Often I just wear a shirt or nightshirt to bed, and unders.  Good to be a guy?  I don't know, but we don't need breathing for our odd, ugly, parts.  :p

Dreams, several of them lately.  Zombie, action, adventure.  Not quite about this game, though one had themes of the last game.  Most were just people I have, or wanted, to know.  The last was a romance, with a particular woman, who liked me, and I her, but the opportunity never presented.  A gal I had forgotten altogether.  Only knew her for a few weeks?  Yea.  But we had a raging romance anyway.  It was both of us.  It would have happened but I got called away.  Was so busy while I knew her, too.  Just, literally, never had a moment, or one to bank on in any near or more distant future.  Busy little... mechanic.  Of mice and men, which truly scurries?

But, in the dream, time was found or made.  To a park, a dinner somewhere, lots of talking.  We never did... anything.  Just fall in love.  I hope she found a guy, for her life.  And had couple or more kids.  She... deserved them.  And, some guy, and family, deserved her.

A shower, then shave, is next.  Then?  Business, phone calls, things.  Plus some cleaning up.  But, first, to wake.  I'm not moving fast.  I'll set a timer.  Not a fast one, two hours?  Yes.  And, get water going for a breakfast.  My usual daily driver.  Simple, but it works.

Oh, the sun is out.  It might yet be cold, but to see some light is a glorious thing after days of gloom.  If it warms a bit, I might have to have a coffee out on my back lawn, after showered and dressed more properly.  Neck is stiff.  A bit of a headache.  Bleary, drooping, eyes.  Still tired.  But... will... do some things today.  God has forced me to live, which is now finally seen as a grace, I will... attempt to use that gift.  The best ones hurt, love, women, pets, children, work one loves... these all hurt to have and hold.  Life, itself, is a painful grace.  Live the blessing.  Amen.

Trying to shut down.

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As with waking, sometimes, sleeping can be difficult.  Changing states, it seems, is... can be... a problem for me.  I am tired, have been tired all day.  Wanted to stay in bed.  Wanted to nap.  Now?  At midnight?  After waking at around 07:00?  Or earlier?  I... just... can't sleep.  Will try shortly.

I did boil eggs.  I have a tidy batch cooked, peeled, and refrigerated in a plastic container.  I had some with my salad.  No tuna.  I wasn't up to the extra work.  No shower, either.  But the eggs took my energy.  A... reasonable tradeoff.  I'll happily snack on boiled eggs through the next few days.  Still have fried eggs, from time to time as well.

Sassy came up, last night.  Probably because I showered yesterday.  The door was open the night before, but she didn't visit, that I was aware.  I may let her come up again tonight.  She, like Sam, must also have been a bit of a bone hoarder.  She finds bones, and brings them out.  Or... is she just... wanting something of Sam's?  Odd, how we do miss those who are gone, in our own peculiar ways.

Sassy has been talking to me a lot, lately.  We have little conversations, during the day.  Oh, and I caught her... looking at where I had just, also, seen a 'shadow' of Sam.  Two different times.  She didn't get too freaky, but... she did seem odd, for a bit.  It might all just be imagination.  But, I tell you, the dead know my name.  Some visit.  Some who know me, some who don't... or didn't.  A woman, from this house's history, before the front and back additions... long before.  Not happy with having a whole new kitchen, and strange devices, or a giant, in her home... but not totally rude either.  Tiny little thing, fully adult though.  With a bonnet, or something.  Not as substantial as a human, like smoke, with some definition.  Not completely comprehensible, due to being partially seethrough.  Or... just a dream.

Anyway...  On to bed, I do believe.  Chops, tomorrow, for lunch.  And, maybe, frying the ground pork meatballs, for a vegetable soup, the day after?  Maybe.  Though, too, another round of corned beef.  Hmm... actually, I'd do the corned beef first, and use the remainder stock for the vegetable stew.  Only, this time I will flavor the meatballs.  Check.

Good late night, day, and goodnight.  Sleep well.  Dream well.  

Not much.

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Still haven't showered.  Feeding Sassy, will check her litter shortly, and take a shower, again, before long... and shave.

I pulled meat from the freezer.  I've been living on scraps the last two days.  All good, partly.  But I'd like a bit more, or better, soon.  I'll have a tuna salad shortly, maybe boil some eggs first?  Those are excellent with salads, tuna or else.

Yes, burned out, to the ground.  Trying to push through, but... we'll see.  At least I am clean, and hands and feet are really well on the mend.

The sun was out for a bit, and it got up to 48 F, for what that is worth.  It didn't feel like it.  Still felt quite chill.  Well, okay, it... was better, but...  It was me.  There are times when I cannot warm.  I felt some goodness with the weather, just couldn't enjoy it fully.

Trying to get back on medicine.  Yes, dropped.  There are times when I simply can't pay attention.  Details, like days, weeks, even months, can slip by.  I have been doing better, if it might not seem like it.  At least I don't lose months of my life with no idea what just happened.  Hoping I mostly just slept, or at least didn't do anything bad?  Something.  Though I don't think so.  As I told a banker the other day, after teasing about being allowed into the vault... I couldn't steal, even if left alone with a trillion dollars, days to get to it, and no trouble in any cases.  At my age, health, and such, I realize that a few dollars more will do me no good, less if stolen.  If given?  That is another matter, if allowed to steal, I wouldn't.  And it is true, if I wouldn't care to be tempted too often.

Yes, a salad, a bit more gaming, a shower and shave, maybe more dishes put in... and waterers fully caught up?  I can hope.  It's not much.  But it's pushing what I can do.  Oh, I have had to standing sessions at the computer table.  I can't do it for long, but I might be able to improve, slowly, over time?  I'm going to try.

I spent little more than for a standard computer desk, and at it's size, probably no more at all.  It is a big desk, perfect for a mini-giant.  Still, might as well try to utilize it.  It does have an alarm, to let me to know to stand.  I'm... not sure I want to trust that, currently.  Perhaps, when my legs get stronger, stamina builds, then, maybe.  And, if I end up doing that, and the alarm sounds, but I am gaming?  I may just stand out there?  Maybe.  If... I can get that far.

Salad, salad, salad.  Then more sitting.  Then the rest, in parts.  Later.

A start.

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Sassy, and her litter, tended.  Breakfast, for myself.  And chores.  So far.  I need to sit for a bit.  Then a shower.  Maybe a shave?  Two days in a row?  Yes, but it... gets it tuned, after not having shaven for a while.  When shaving a few times a week, twice in a row is almost never needed.

Then?  A bit of business.  Checking on some things.  Taking down the bed form in the master bedroom.  Working on boxes of things, loose items, trying to organize items and boxes better.  Well, and I ought to thaw meat.  Chops, but what else?  Those ground pork meatballs were pretty good.  A little bland, so I might see what I have as is.  Perhaps I have fennel seed up there, some time, perhaps basil or something along those lines.  And, heat, if I wanted that.  Those, in a vegetable soup, would work.  Nothing fancy, but... it... will do.

So tired though.  Still dark out there.  Not as dark, mostly.  But definitely not sunny, or close.  Thinner clouds, but everywhere... mostly.  It is above freezing, so they won't have to fight frost to get their sips on.  I may have to see about getting them to breed again.  Maybe it was too cold.  Maybe it was too dark.  Maybe... who knows.  But it has been... two months, and no signs of birthing.

For the little ones, I only have one male.  For the big ones, I only have one female.  Ugh.  I'll give it a shot, or let them, sometime this week.  And, I think, with my big doe, she will go in with each big buck, for a bit.  Hoping one of them will do the trick.  Make sure I see a mounting, then leave them for an hour.  Each buck, over several days.  Twice a day.

For the little ones, I'll try to get the male in with two does per week, an hour per visit, two visits per doe.  Have to be careful, he could kill himself going at it.  I am hoping this pace isn't too much for him?  I simply don't know.  But with only one buck, I have to be careful with him.  With the doe, less so.  She isn't the one who... stresses.

One more shot.  After that I will just get rid of them.  This is... the third... no fourth... time.  We will see.  Later.

Up and... thinking about getting at it.

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So very tired.  Just, mostly, not requiring sleep.  Short, on sleep, last night though.  It was half after midnight, give or take small change.  It was probably a quarter to seven when I got up, ten minutes later as I sit typing.

No, I actually did a few thing.  I cleared litter, refilled the heater for coffee/tea water, took off my gloves and washed (as well as able) the balm from overnight, and dressed... if just in house clothes... pj's and a warm fleece-like jacket.  So, yeah.  I... did a lot in a few minutes, actually.

No dishes were added in to the wash yesterday.  I may be able to get the last few small loads?  Or at least get two going.  But?  With the the tub open?  I may shower again, right quick, as first thing as possible from this point on.  I must admit, I am looking at a shower bench.  Just... something to put in, and set upon, while showering.

My legs are getting weak.  No matter how much I push to strengthen them, how much protein I take.  It's not a strength thing, it's an endurance problem.  I... get tired.  Oh, though I am going to have to start seeing about the standing feature on my desk.  Get me up, on my feet, for as long as I can handle it, several times a day.  The goal is to be able to stand, pretty much all day.

Now that I have found the right size shoes, and am caring for my feet, it might be... more reasonable.  I just don't know if the goal is attainable.  I am running out of... something.  My mother, she said this is what it was for her, her legs giving out.  That is why she is in the nursing home.  She literally could not stand, sometimes, at all.  She would just lose her legs.

My guess is, too, she would push herself... like someone else.  And would eventually fail.  She couldn't keep up, and tried, kept trying.  Now that she doesn't have to cook, and clean, and do plants, and, and, and... she can rest when and as she needs.  She is doing a bit better.  But, something is... just gone.  She can, and wishes to, still visit her guy, do some tending to him, and his home?  I think, as she can.  And make a meal, or help with it, from time to time... plus eat out too, real not industrial food.

Anyway... my legs, and whole body really, have hit something.  Time is... closing in.  I am hoping I have options, but... I don't know.  When the simple chores, of tending rabbits, becomes a problem.  When standing to shower takes it out of you.  But, it's been doing that for years.  I'm just... not sure... where to go from here?  Spooky.  Or it may just be the last inning of a winter, that keeps dragging on, and punching me in the nose?  And cold, grabbing me like a cat does a mouse, threatening life and all?  Can't get warm, some days.  Not with the furnace jacked, not with several layers of clothing, socks, a jacket, a shower, hot foods and drinks;.. shivering.

Oh well.  A bit of waking, first.  A bit of browsing, then gaming, then to it.  I have the alarm set for about an hour, then will feed Sassy, oh and change her water.  With Sam, it was obvious.  It was so dirty, and she would drink... half a dishpan, a quarter of it anyway, a day.

Oh, I remembered her again, recently.  Odd how it comes back, when you thought you were over it, like an echo.  I swear, since I dreamed of visiting her, she has been... present.  She always went to the bathroom with me.  From way back when I moved in.  After she decided I was good enough.  I... see her, out of the sides of my eyes.  When I look, she is gone.  As well, when I was gaming, she would come, sit at my feet, and just... watch me.  Always watching me.  I more feel, than see, her doing that.  It doesn't terrify.  Oddly, it doesn't pacify, or make me feel better, either.  I miss that stupid cat.  At least I am human enough to cry at loss.  And I am grateful for that.  To miss so dearly is to have loved.  And still love.  Odd how we, instinctively, know death isn't... natural?  I... think so.  

Anyway... on to gaming.  Then, a shower.  I may shave again this morning.  Then dishes.  Then some business before long?  Something like that.  I may just feed Sassy, and reset the timer for an hour and an half, or two, then start work then.  Ah, but breakfast in there too.  Later.

Just a bit more.

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.

A few more batches of waterers set up, the last one waiting to be filled, I think, but in the 'drink', just... waiting.  Pans, as mentioned, were finished.  All dishes which were soaking have been done.  Most dishes in the house are done, save some old ones which need redone or simply done.

Chores, too, were done.  Sassy was fed, I have eaten.  It was only 38, or so, out there when I did the rabbits.  I didn't have to change all of their waters, oddly.  I did check to make sure they were still flowing.  And they were.  Just needed more food in most of the feeders.

A few little things, here and there.  Not a bad day.  A good start for tomorrow.  So tired it hurts.  I mean right to my heart.  The rest of the body is pretty good.  Or, I mean, doesn't hurt.  I might not be getting a lot done, but I... keep at it.  And gaming between work and sleep as well.

Of course, with my hands still sort of on the mend, I wonder if that is pulling some of my "juice".  I'll bet healing costs a pretty penny to the body.  I know every time I have had a more serious wound, it... takes the poop out of me, as a friend might have said.  And these hands were in serious condition.  Still are.  If a doc looked at them, he'd... probably not be happy I hadn't come in.  But, honestly, I doubt if their curatives would be better.  Just more expensive.  And, often, I have had their curatives set me back.  I don't trust docs, even before I realized they had the intention of just letting me die.  Don't trust them.

Anyway...  A bit more gaming, then on to bed.  I should be ready to head out, do some things, tomorrow.  Good evening, day, and goodnight.  Amen.

Nothing until later...

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.

But I got to some things.  I filled two thirds of the waterers.  Two batches to go, if counting also what will be brought in.  Then a shower.  I got the trim earlier, because I knew, too much time on my feet isn't possible.  And I really wanted a shave.  So... with just the shower, and a shave, I was able to clean up well.

Now to take a break, then get to chores.  But just an hour.  I really have to get to chores.

Actually?  I had to redo my redo.  I messed up, but getting too far ahead.  There is a way to get in advanced areas, without cheating, hacking, or else.  So... why does that break the quest?  Anyway...  I am about back to where I started, minus that area, though plus the quest that got broken.  So, now, I should be able to go into that area.  It just makes it easier, later.  As well, helps me obtain a few items which really come in handy.

I can't believe their questlines are so easily broken.  Or are they being passively-aggressive about go-getters?  It could be.  Basically, as it is set up, you have to know the game BEFORE you can play it.  That is pretty awful, really, when you think about it.  It just sucks the bones dry, to dust, having to formulate everything, not miss someone, not kill some mob, not go where you shouldn't yet, etc.  Bleh.

But... I am here.  I'll try to keep the quests on track, so I don't have to start over again, again.  And, yes, what the quests offer is important enough to go back.

I am hungry.  Had chia, and sardines, but that isn't cutting it.  Hmm... a salad?  Maybe.  But with something.  Tuna, or... something.  That, a fatted coffee, and... what?  I have celery, carrots, and peanut butter?  Eggs and bacon?  Something.  Gotta have more.  Maybe all of that, through time.  I need to work, with fats, the pans I just finished cleaning.  So, fried eggs would be good with bacon, if a bit later.  I am not ready to be back on my feet.  Yea, a tuna salad, and if that isn't enough, peanut butter and veggies.  Later.

Okay.

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I enjoyed breakfast, and some downtime.  Then gamed.  When the timer went off, after a bit, I got up and to it again.  Dishes.  Mostly done, and dried.  Two pans need more work, so they were reset.  But... should be easy, when next I am at it.  As well, I set the waterers up to be refreshed.  The little ones are in the bucket, and all have had their nipples twisted.  Off, that is.  They are soaking with the little ones.  :p

When next the alarm rings, I'll do waterers, and maybe a shower.  A trim first, shave after?  I need it.  May to a trim now, and add fifteen minutes to the timer, for good behavior.  Then shave right after showering.  Tired, hard tired.  Almost sleepy.  Little energy.  Have to conserve, aim, focus, and hope.  More the latter than the formers.  But it's... working.

The sun had been out, glorious.  But it is gone, now, again.  It is above freezing, just, at 34 to 35 F.  Sometimes the reading is just so, so that neither temp is quite it, if it isn't accurate enough to suggest where, between those it is.  You get what you get.

Back to gaming.  I'm just taking it easy, rebuilding slowly.  When grinding looking for a specific drop gets old, I go find another item or spell, or find camp/portal sites.  It is going much better this time.  And I am avoiding any boss which might complicate questlines, though I couldn't beat most bosses quite yet.  

Now that I know the game mechanic, and what I am looking for, roughly where I am going, and how to get there, the game... at the lower levels... is much easier.  Later on it will still be just as impossible.  I am beginning to wonder, though, if staying lower level is the way to go?  The ratio of difficulty may be better for lower level 'toons.  Well, until you hit certain bosses.  If some, all, of them are better beaten by trickery and treachery than honest gameplay.  They do a poor job with that, and limit content regarding it.  I suppose you have to be rich and famous to be let in on some things?  I am beginning to wonder.

Anyway... back to it.  Later.

Up, and already at it.

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Not sure if I can keep at it.  But life seems... easier.  The sun is shining, that helps after days of gloom.  Still colder, at 24 out there?  March 21st and 24 F outside?  Seems wrong.  A typical winter, otherwise.  But, sometimes it does stretch long, around here.  No mystical magical grobal warbling involved.  It just... does that, always has, always will.

Hair brushed, before and after sleep, and a time or two during the day.  Nothing fancy, just... if you have hair, do some minor maintenance.  With extra protein coming in, my hair is doing... better.  Brushed the teeth.  Some days they get neglected.  My homemade gargle helps.  

Sassy has been fed, and her litter cleared.  What dishes I have a place for, have been put up.  Big jars, more than I have made space for.  I... need to get to my wire rack... it's higher than I am tall, and about as long, with a foot and an half depth.  But... it's... got stuff on it.  Foods, tea, coffees... need to go to the cellar.  Just use it for bottles, pots, and pans going forward?  Or... something like that.

Then I hit the dishes.  They weren't in bad shape, just needed a second run.  Water for breakfast is heating, and breakfast is set up to receive the hot water, when it is ready.  Actually, should be ready, but I am writing.  I'll finish them in about an hour, drying them, and setting them out to finish drying.  Then take a shower, or after a break after that.

Then I have to hit waterers.  Trying to get all this done while still earlier morning.  Not sure when I woke, I think 07:00, give or take ten?  It's just about to hit 08:00.  After the shower, a break, then waterers, then chores.  Hopefully by 10:00, or 11:00.  But, who knows.  Still tired, exhausted.  But it doesn't hurt today, just... no energy.

I'll balm my feet again.  I'll work on the rough spots, again, with the files.  Let them dry.  Then balm them and stick them in socks.  They really are improving.  Have you ever had a job where you were on your feet all day, long days... eight to twelve a day?  My feet look as if they were just as so.  The pedicures helped, then getting them in the right shoes helped in commonly understood, and peculiar, ways.  Probably cutting the water pills also helped.  But, that just got the thick, half inch or more "crust" off.  The skin was starting to come through, but just.  Covered by near barnacles.  From just filing, I was keeping that thick skin at bay, but just.  Now, with this stuff going on, I'm beginning to see skin more than white scaly 'stuff'.  Two or three days of balm care and I can run my hand on mostly skin.  Only a few dry areas, mostly on the sides.

I am still having to treat my hands.  Probably will for a... goodly while.  I well and truly steamed them.  I can feel heat, just not steam, necessarily.  I wonder how many people have damaged themselves with hot coffee and tea, in the mouth region.  If their coffee pot was poorly made, they may also burn their hands.  Now that I know, and am caring for it, even being careful when baking things, they are greatly improving.  Just glad I haven't gotten infected.  That would have been... difficult.  And they were open, mostly.  Probably a quarter of my hand.  Think of where steam would flow if pouring hot water from a pot, or stirring a jar with hot fluids in it.  The first areas it would hit, and all along the knuckles, down to scabs.  Now all skin, if red, a bit dry, and slightly scaly, but improving with each treatment.  Thing is, you can't, unlike feet, keep balm on your hands all day.  Even with a plastic glovers over it.  The hands need to breathe, from time to time.  Still, quite an improvement, in both areas.

Well... on to breakfast, and a bit of gaming.  Then dishes, a shower, waterers, chores, and more dishes.  I'm having to hunt and peck for dishes, now.  And... sort of avoiding counters, but... that... is the next major push.  And, since the mattress/boxspring bags work, getting the spare bedroom clear and getting those bagged and put up.  Bits and areas, and going forward not back, is the key.  A new week, and I'm thinking I'm back.  Later.  

Nothing more.

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.

Chores.  That was about it.  Didn't even eat again.  Hungry.  I restarted the game, with a new 'toon.  Same type.  The problem is, I messed up a lot of quests by just playing the game.  I'm not even quite sure how.  I didn't kill any of the quest-giving npc's.  But about three, maybe four, questlines are defunct.

On the good side?  I have a much better idea how to do things, what I am looking for, generally where to go and how to get around.  Currently, just opening up the map.  Not even bothering to level.  Just finding rest/port places, places on the map, and items and weapons.

It's a lot less stressful.  If I lose, say, 1k points?  Absolutely no problem.  When I get ready to level, I can probably get 20 levels in five minutes, then be able to get to 50 to 70 in an hour, if I want to level that fast.  As well, I have a pretty good idea how to beat some bosses, and cheese others.

The thing is, the game is built to be cheated.  Straight players, like me, don't have much of a chance.  Oh well.  Still, mostly, I do play it straight.  Though, at this point, if I find a cheat, technically, I may well use it.  Maybe.  Certain bosses which cheat, or are broken.

I am starting to think bosses, and even mobs to a degree, depending on area, scale with my 'toon.  As my character gets stronger, so do the enemies.  Just up to a point.  No, I really don't care for that, especially bosses.  The whole idea of leveling, to my mind, is to become able to beat npc's much easier.  And bosses, too.  I hate when they do things like that.

Anyway, it's about bedtime.  Goodnight.

Not very able.

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So dark.  I'm not sure what the weather is like, temperaturewise, but it looks like we got just a dash of snow, which only stuck on a small strip on the side of the house I looked out upon.  It had all been gone.  Odd.  And, it is dark, somewhat windy... can tell by the sounds the flag makes.

I did make a find Sunday dinner.  The remnants of the pork roast, with veggies.  Nothing fancy, but delicious.  Often I won't have a whole meal.  Just meat, or just veggies... sometimes raw... the veggies that is.  So, when I do the whole deal, it really is a feast day.

I just can't wake well, get going.  So very tired.  Gaming, late, of course.  But that... is just a small part of it.  I've been tired like this for three or four weeks.  Pushed through it for two weeks, began crashing.  Now, gaming is my one way out of it.

I received news, yesterday I think, that a woman I have know since childhood has died.  They are claiming it as covid, but when you keep someone in an induced coma, for over a month?  I'm... calling that medical malpractice.  It is accepted by the government and what passes for law, at this point.  But it is medical murder.  I don't care what is wrong with you, if they keep you in a coma for that long, you are going to die.  They just warehoused her, at probably government expense, for the sole purpose of killing her while milking the system.  Just... that's how I see it.  I'll bet she had every shot available until it pretty much put her down as was.

I'll pray for the family.  And that God... handles those who have done these terrible wrongs.  It doesn't matter if some folk don't understand.  I understand why the elderly cling on.  If the government, and big medical, are as careless, even evil, as I suggest, then they have very little hope.  It will eventually, potentially, just go after them.  And they have nowhere, and no way, to run and hide.  I... get that.  Then again, I couldn't run either.  But, I am younger, and... not so worried about it.  Mostly.  I might even be able to put up some minor self-defense.  Many of the slightly to much older set couldn't do squat.  So, yea... they feel they have to trust, for state of mind, and nerves, if nothing else.

Well, I should try to get a few things going.  Later.  Or... maybe goodnight.

Up.

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.

And way early, given bedtime.

I finally broke through one of the bosses.  I tried this way, and that, using these, and not, wasting things, using things that didn't work.  But, I did it.  I broke through to an area where I can't even kill normal mobs?  And... this isn't one of the main bosses?  

I was up until 04:30 to do it.  Here I sit, at 09:30, about to sort things out.

I have been keeping up on dishes.  If I do have a pot of dishes in it's final soapy soak, and a pan.  Should be done shortly, and maybe a shower.  Having broken through, there is an area to explore.  I found three checkpoints, which act as well as fast travel spots, which allows me some mobility.

But, as mentioned, the simple mobs are beyond my capacity.  And, I am not sure what to do, what I can do, beyond this point.  My goal was to obtain something from beyond this boss, to get to a different place.  Though, if I remember correctly, that other place was also where the new 'grinding' grounds are... where I can level, hopefully at a much faster pace.  If two runs... three now... will level me, and a run takes only two minutes (rather than five, or closer to ten), then... I might be able to spend an half hour grinding out a few more levels.

To get through, I had to respec, becoming almost a total glass cannon.  Save, I had enough extra points to add some serious health.  However, all the extra tidbits went away.  So my ability to use bows, or some shield, and dexterity which helped slightly with spellcasting(?dubiously?), are gone.  Pretty much just a glass cannon with the ability to take two robust hits, or one and small change from a boss.  Means nothing to some of you, to some of you, you... know?

But, I think I broke my balls getting through.  Is it good to stress the heart, heavily, from time to time, for those with heart failure?  Because that was... an extended stress test.  I passed, if it didn't begin the process of killing me.  Feels heavy, like a spent a night in a smoky bar, and drank a bit too much (if not way too much).  Or, more, how that should feel.  Booze, before medicine, WAS medicine.  And it did, actually, help.  It relaxed everything back to factory reset... for a while.  It's just the side-effects which... could be a problem... the bad behavior that could go with it.

Anyway.  As written.  Up.  Up!, actually.  Nice.  And, will get to things.  Oh, the feet, after one night, are... better.  But the hands dried out a bit, again, overnight.  Though they needed a time off for good behavior.  Can't keep this stuff slathered on 24/7.  24/1 or 24/2, then wash, let heal and dry, then reapply.  With feet?  For a while, I think it will be 24/7.  When I shower, I will clean it all off, then file and polish with various grits of feet cheesers, files, whatever you want to call them.  I have three levels, from takes off tar and pebbles, to sharpens to a near shine.  Until they are staying up more on their own.  Then, just spot treat as needed, wanted.  I want supple feet.  I think I can have it.  For hands, I just want the skin back.  Or... now... more fully back.

Well... Sassy has been fed.  My pee pot has been rinsed and is in a final hot cleaning.  Dishes should be doable before long.  I haven't gotten the water going for breakfast, but will do that while I get Sassy fresh water and clear her litter.  Then some gaming for, during, and after breakfast.  Then... dishes.  But first, to put some away.  I just... have to figure out where to put them.  Ugh.

Life, and gaming, I swear, are trying to conspire to squeeze me to death.  And, if they succeed, I still win, so...  But, I am used to life now.  I will sell it for the right reasons, not sure these are it.  Still, when it's time, it's time.  Better a life spent, like a talent in the bible, than one hidden away.  While it looks like I do the one, I far more spend... even what little I have.  And, I would like to say, for a cripple, it shows.  Amen.