I keep looking.

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I am trying to find a place which will take Sam and Sassy. Since they are not strays, they can be put in other places to await adoption. The problem I keep running into is Sam's age. At nearly 8, she is too old for all the places I have seen. I had so hoped to find a place to take them both into a home, difficult as that might be. To not even find a place that will accept Sam for such considerations is very troubling.

I need to speak with a doctor. I need to find out how much time I have, even a rough guess would be helpful. There is so much to do, but without knowing how much time I might have to work with, planning is difficult. Tomorrow I will take stock, place some calls, and figure out some forms. I would also like to see if a doctor would prescribe pain pills for the eventual situation. Living alone and not willing to go in to be mistreated by further medical interventions or experimentation, it might otherwise be quite painful. I believe I have some minor pain medications from some past incidences if that fails.

The hardest part of this whole thing is giving up Sam and Sassy. They have been constant friends and companions. I will miss them bitterly, but I simply do not want them to have to suffer with me. The idea of dying alone really stinks, but I have done this before. The pain, as I have said, also is something that does worry me, if not so much as the concern about making sure Sam and Sassy aren't put down.

I won't say I was finally getting better, but I have been doing more and finding success of late. I will continue with some of it. Getting my home in order was on the list, climbing even a bit was there too, and I would still like to put the roof on the coop and reload bullets. All future type plans, though, are being taken off the list. So much has changed. And yet I will not just stop, feel sorry for myself, or surrender.