It had to come down to this.

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The nurse called as I was getting ready for bed this morning. I had stayed awake finishing a few tasks and then reading the material that came with my washing machine. Instructions which, while literally instructive, lacked detail or depth. Much like a automobile manual with descriptions for various things such as; the steering wheel, a device by which the driver manually inputs directional control to the vehicle. Well, okay, I suppose that is accurate and all. But it really lacks something. Then again I was reading for a simple heads up and stalling off sleep waiting for a phone call.

Finally the call arrived. The nurse suggested my doctor had reviewed the information gathered to date at other appointments and at the emergency room visit. It seems my left ventricle is the problem. That side of my heart has increased in size due to high blood pressure. As well, my liver is failing. I believe my notion that the water pill will do nothing to help with fluid building up in my lungs is probably correct. It was merely being used as a gateway drug to other and additional drugs to lower my blood pressure. The nurse then said the doctor had prescribed lisinopril. I, again, said that I could not take the medicine. I suggested they not send it. Already sent, I am told. Very well, may I bring it back, I ask? She says so long as the package is not opened, on my return visit, I may return it.

She then suggested she would consult with the doctor and call me back. I tried to stay awake longer but simply ran out of time. I just tried to call her back, having waken, and left a message with my particulars and phone number. Hopefully I will know more in a bit. At this time, I think, no medicine will probably help.

Further, I understand the severity of this. Since the blood pressure is seemingly untreatable, seeking medical attention for a heart attack or liver failure would merely prolong a very painful death. I am going to ask, if probably not receive, a pain killer for when it begins. I am not sure how much of a time frame to expect yet. They are scheduling more testing, but perhaps I can get something on that when the nurse calls back.

I have to figure some things out. I need to find a place for Sam and Sassy, I don't want to see them put down or left to the wilds. I need to get on some money issues, some money which is due me. And, yes, I would like to put my home in order. If I can't live orderly, I would at least like to offer a comfortable place to stay for those who show up to deal with this. I don't know how to give this kind of news to my mother.

There are some upsides, mind you. Now I know what is wrong, or probably. I will not be dealing with what the future is about to hold. And, if my single remembered near-death experience was at all accurate, I will be in a far better place. But even more, this life as a cripple (one even many doctors do not seem to believe or understand), humbling, frustrating, painful, and alone, can now be left behind. Odd as it might seem, I would still continue with it if there was a way. If nothing else can be said about me, that I went from not only not wanting to be alive and further attempted suicide in some ridiculous ways, to finally enjoying the simple nature of being alive. Alive without the window dressing of any personal importance, social or economic value, or even the love of a wife and family. That might be worth the pain suffered to get to this point.

I will know more soon. I hope.