You know?

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After chronic shortages in the last decade of my life, whether of tobacco, milk, food, or just about anything perishable or consumable, my life has really improved. Even this winter became somewhat problematic until I simply put my foot down.  While I simply can't buy enough of everything to not run out, I can make it so that I have some extra, extra, on hand, so that when I get low I have enough of a hedge to see me to enough health that I have the time to get the goods.  And, really, that has been working exceedingly well.  Along with that, though, is the fact that I have not been getting as sick for as long.  Sure, there were times this winter that seemed to stretch forever.  Even then, from time to time, I could steal out of my home.

I am running low on caffeine and tobacco.  It is time to get in to the stores.  With food made, if after a short starvation mode, I have the energy reserves to go get what I need.  The thing is, if any one thing breaks down, the rest will break down very quickly as well.  I can't go without certain things for long without the whole system crashing.  And, when it crashes, I can stay down for long periods.  Now, that is going to happen anyway.  But if you add them together life gets seriously rough.  Life has gotten a lot better out here.  I just need to learn how to weather the winters a bit better.  This fall I am hoping to get the sun lamp set up, somewhere comfortable.  Perhaps spend an hour reading, or practicing the bead work, or whatever works to keep me settled enough to soak in the fake but chemically functional sun.

My last lady friend called today.  Indeed, she insisted, she is not dead.  *bugle sounds*  She's too mean to die, anyway.  Oh, she can be just a dandy lady, then turn around and have a hissy fit or tantrum as good as even me!  I like to think she has them more often though.  And some aspects she has going are better then some of mine.  She is definitely a fussy unhappy woman when she can find a way to be.  She is working a second job this summer.  She is working to pay off bills, for which she gets three stars.  If she reaches her goal without increasing debt, she gets five stars.  And if she pays off two cards?  I dunno.  I always wanted to help her, it will be in two years or more, if I can afford it, I will send a small but big little something.  A lot of if's.  She hasn't been canoeing this year yet.  She'll get too it before long, she has a good group of friends for that, finally.  Oh, don't even go there.  If I did anything it was to prod her to finally go out and find friends.  I even may have been the one to get her back in the canoe, something she loved, if my size ultimately made the thing not a happy thing for her.  We went swimming far to often for her tastes.  I helped finance some things.  I encouraged her.  Before me she honest to God had no friends.  None that she liked?  Yeah, pretty much.  It is nice to watch her blossom.  From afar.

A trip to town, sometime this afternoon or later.  Caffeine and whatever I can find for tobacco.  The best stores for these things probably aren't open.  If I can get just enough to tide me over until I can be in town at the right times though.  I hate going short but it beats going out.  I have food ready, easy to load up with, and for a decent amount of time.  I do need milk and sour cream.  I am getting better about keeping things on hand, doing well enough that for the most, but it's still a slog.  The rest of my life will be a hard slog, nothing can be taken for granted, nothing will be easy, and it is only going to get worse, one way or another.  When one of those songs back in previous posts discusses wishing to dream again, it isn't about dreams at night, it is about dreams of a future.  Those, for me, are gone.  I don't look too closely, but I know only nightmares remain.

Good day.