Frustrated.

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I simply cannot sleep, or wake, on any kind of schedule.  This isn't as bad as the worst I have experienced.  But the ghostly feel to my life right now is about as bad as life has been for... well, since my mother visited.  She helped me out of the slump through directing my work, and being patient.  That and getting me to the hospital and back on medicine.  While this isn't the worst I have had it, it certainly isn't good, either.  Actually, come to think of it, what I am going through as a low?  It used to be my highs, and the near the tippy-top of my better days.  Strange to realize this.  The thing is, my old highs weren't all that grand.  I am eating, at least a bit.  I am staying up on some little things.  I am awake enough to game, blog, take my medicines, and have solid if oddly timed days.  Headaches, a bit of illness like exhaustion, and a few other things are plaguing me as well.  Still, weird to think this about as good as it got for decades before recently.  Now to just figure out how to shrug this off and get going again.

I tried to get to bed earlier tonight, and almost had it that first time.  I may try again very shortly.  At least I can track my goals and I keep trying to link up.  I am keeping appointments so far, if swimming has been failing due to my sleep schedule hitches.  Could those early appointments have been what messed me up?  I had two in a row, within a week from each other.  I know that first one busted me up hard.  The second seemed to be fine, though maybe I pushed things by swimming on the way home.

Something is just really wrong.  No, stats are good, so it isn't really that.  I can only suspect weather changes and an inability to cope with it right now.  This has been going on for almost two weeks now, too.  I would love a break from it, which would actually mean getting back in the pool, and getting out more in general.  Sleeping, when I can, just isn't doing it.  And I just can't seem to fully wake up, ever, or get going.  I'll figure it out.

As for oblivion?  I think most of my folk were fine with me and what they consider my odd thoughts and notions.  They don't like such, mind you, but they didn't care, as long as I had my little hobbies and seemed to be enjoying myself and playing well with others (and creating a retreat for some of them).  When I started rattling the sword of fleeing the nation...  Yes, that might be too much of a threat to their oblivious nature.  Although I've got to say this... if your woman feels secure enough to be oblivious... whether she admits it or not?  It means she trusts in systems, which very much include you, to save her.  I remember having a talk with a woman or two about that.  Something about... when I say get going, I mean move it.  Why, she might have asked, you can handle that.  And I said, yeah, I probably could.  But then I would have to explain why I killed a couple people.  That... has gotten a few of them into the game a bit better.  They just never thought it all the way through.  And they really can't have it both ways.  Best trust your woman to tell her that though, some have capricious evil little minds.  Those, when you figure out, you dump.  Perhaps put a warning sticker on them before kicking to the curb.  Good luck with that though.  Every man deals with it to some degree.

While Marie Antoinette didn't actually say this, it fits with a women who is comfortable, as something she might say...  If they are hungry, let them eat cake!  Gah!  Though sometimes in their odd ways they can have a point, too.  Just... on some matters?  They are dependent, ignorant of that, and yet not only take it for granted but test it.  It's akin to testing God, only men are much more gullible.  God doesn't play that game at all, not even with His Son.

Yes, yes, lost in the desert of near wakefulness and drifting while blathering.  Good night, then.  I hope.