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As regards my condition, regarding heart issues, that seems to be the case. When speaking with my doctor and physician's assistant, they asked me, several times, each, together and alone as well, looking for... a fib, just to be sure... if my breathing was a problem while swimming. I was able to easily and honestly say that I have no problems with losing my breath, other than what you can expect from exercise. Really, though, my limits aren't based on breathing as my lung capacity far outstrips my muscle and body fitness. And, after a half or full lap, I recover rather well, given my physical condition, that of being out of shape. That is what made them so pleased. They didn't indicate why, but I think that made all of the difference for them. It meant death isn't imminent. To be honest, I think they were assured, despite my faith, that I was a goner I think, now, looking back on things. I believe, when I first came in, given the information they had, they truly believed I had months, not years, left. I impressed them, initially, by lasting to this time. Asking to swim... shocked them this last January, I think, if that particular doc hid it well. Then again, I don't think he thought I would ever get to it, as with hiking before. My death was something they didn't want but that, in their minds, was the strongest probability, by far.
So, really, given all, I am doing infinitely better than most goners. But that is a relative thing. Compared to Joe Schmoe I am still a goner. To people who live on a one to ten scale and usually in the 7 to 10 range, I am at .4, pushing through to .7 maybe. And while that is infinitely better than zero, it isn't even a one on the other scale. Which, I think, for now, is fine. It beats the .1, or even the .01 perhaps, that I have certainly been living most of my adult life. It just isn't quite there, yet, if it impresses heart specialists it must be something of a revival? Still, it's a seven to seventy fold improvement over most of my adult life, for what that is worth? (All number just arbitrary, if reasonable, guesstimates.)
I found an email address of an mutual acquaintance of my last lady friend. Actually the husband of said, though he was an more distant associate as well. I sent an email. The wife of this man is still in contact with my lady friend, and as such might have heard of any problems, one way or the other, but definitely of health issues. Now, I merely asked if my lady friend was in health, or perhaps if they knew if she wanted no further contact. I asked for contact information if she is ill, otherwise that they not perturb her with any query if she is otherwise well, just to inform me so that I know. If she is well, I will leave well enough alone. As I might have suggested, if she simply wants nothing more to do with me, I am fine with that. But if she is ill, or worse, I do believe it is fair for me to know. Business, you see. Don't just cut things off, explore and learn, then go from there. I prefer to do so in a non-intrusive manner. Not knowing is the difficult thing, knowing a solid negative is not an issue. I'm used to that.
As the world around me melts, I can't help but be on edge. If you have ever had leaks, or a sink run over, you know that nagging dripping sound, and when it comes to you as the world quiets, like when I take my headphones off after listening to music, it can cause a bit of a panic. A quick check to make sure I haven't done a bad, or that something (else) has failed, can happen if one doesn't remember the situation. At least I am awake, when not listening to music.
I am going to try to hit it early tonight. Despite sleeping in, with the alarm going off every hour this morning from 7:00 to 1:00 I didn't get good sleep. I will again try to wake at 7:00. But if that is a flop I will probably next aim for 9:00 or 10:00, depending on how quickly I react to the alarm. Resetting the alarm for every hour just isn't successful, usually. I only did it to try to force the issue. I ended up with the usual results. Bah!
Later, or good night.
There are more "red pill" women out there all the time, whether they recognize the appellation or not. If she ain't, she ain't (and she ain't from what you've said).
ReplyDeleteOne word suffices: "bye".
(I know, I know, we all get soft spots in our hearts...and heads.)
Daisycat is coming along nicely on her "girl game", without having but a faint outline of a reason why she's doing what she's doing (heh heh heh). (Funny thing is, I've actually told her what is going on, but such is the power of her hamster that it goes pretty much right out the other ear.)
I continue to be surprised and pleased, but that is just a measure of the depth of my former blue-pill paradigm. Then she's never been much of a feminist at heart, if she had adopted many of the trappings.
Well, it wasn't so much a soft spot as offering to be a crutch. She will never marry, as she and I understand this now, she... as you said... ain't. No, this was not offering her false hope (though you know how women... construe things... falsely... often, always, regarding love... fantasies). And I didn't and don't need a crutch. I was merely, and truly, being simply a male friend.
ReplyDeleteNow, did she become delusional, then read here and figure it all out, solid, undeniably, and flee from the notion that she is neurotic? Seeing it in black and white, without room to verbally wiggle? And become unable to forget what she read as she does with the spoken? I don't know.
But like I said, I don't lose either way. She keeps losing and losing and losing. If she would just face it she would have a much easier life. Not my problem though, really, really.