Immaturity.

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Well, sure, I can see this in others.  But I think I need to look a little closer to home.  I have had a number of incidents, and some general reactions, lately which have simply been, or promised, a lack of maturity.  Some of what you might call immature in my blog, you must understand, is something from the past.  I have never been MORE mature, of course.  Further, I think the... limits imposed by illness have kept me from advancing.  There is that price, with the benefit of having kept me young in some ways.

I don't know how you just... mature.  Time, interactions, responsibilities, words of wisdom from neighbors, friends, family, and those in my Church help.  Time?  Is that the key?  I don't think so.  It will bring a form of maturity, but without the rest, which I simply have not had, it is difficult.  I like to think I am doing as much as I can, and that while I took some time off I realized that wasn't working and got back into school, thinking that was the way.  Finding myself to Church, vowing to celibacy until marriage, figuring out my health and trying to stay with that, buying a home, doing repairs, and such... are all new things to me.  And they are all a part of it.  But what I truly lack is... enough interaction with other people.

Have you ever seen the face of a long-time, or born, blind person?  It changes.  I think it can happen with the deaf and severely hearing impaired too.  While childishness doesn't show up in this way, it might in discussions.  It can be much more off-putting to relationships.  And fairly.  Most people my age should have been expected to have had a proper teaching and social standardization.  If I looked ill, that would help, a bit.  But I don't.  I look like a healthy, hardy, adventurous man.  Imagine if someone walked right into you but you couldn't tell they were blind?  Imagine if you shout at someone to not do something dangerous or destructive and they seem to ignore you?

No, no, this really doesn't regard my political or social beliefs.  These are traditional, to religion and the secular world for most of history, and solid, if not commonly held.  No, this is some other things.  I don't even worry too much about some of the silliness regarding my past, even sinfulness.  It was what it was.  No, it has been how I have involved myself in a few things and such.  A fellow, for example, pulled up beside me, blaring his music system.  Instead of, perhaps, taking a hint that MY music was too loud I merely turned my music up, or more.  Yes, I am disappointed.  While he could have... chosen another path, though maybe he did but I did not see or hear... I should look to my reactions.  Yes, I do expect better, from me.  I can't choose what others do.  I can't always understand.  But that isn't my issue.  What I do is under my control, including my reactions.

Yeah, yeah, that isn't lyrical, fancy, or well written.  I'm working through some things.  I should have realized, if I didn't like the music, perhaps others didn't like my music.  If I didn't realize it was that loud.  I need to begin... learning more.  I'm doing well, all things considered.  But I have much further to go, in whole new arenas, it seems.  Hmm, I may have to ask my neighbors if they can hear my music and adjust it so that it doesn't bug others.  Actually, I have a number of things to ask about.  Ugh... I need more friends!  :p

Yes, I do still intend to leave.  I honestly see that as clearly as I saw the need to move, as it ended up, here.  There is something pulling me, pushing me... perhaps even calling me.  And yet, there is no reason I shouldn't, as I heal and improve, inculcate myself into the communities around me.  I would rather have a love, a friend, a fellowship, and lose it, then to have never had such.  I do believe that.  I'll be praying about this greatly through Lent.

As is, of course, I might definitely be able to approach God as a child.  :p

Later?  No, I think it's bed time.  Good night.