I simply don't understand.

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I haven't felt this out of touch in a very long time.  Even with all the problems since September, this is as bad as it gets.  There is no pain, mind you.  There is simply nothing.  Painkillers, neither my biologically native nor manufactured, can do this.  There simply isn't anything to me, as if I had become two dimensional... or less?  It is an illusion, however.  While it does impact my ability to carry out my will, it doesn't completely stop it.  I physically tire pretty quickly, so there is a real limit.  But I can do things, even if it doesn't seem like it.  The trick is to focus.  Need helps.  Being hungry is more likely to induce cooking, and cleaning.  That isn't a guarantee, though, either. 

For some reason, my right hand is quite sore.  If I had been shoveling, or doing a lot of fine heavy work, like hand loading a couple dozen magazines or other fine work that also requires strength, I would understand.  The palm of my right hand feels as if the muscles were pulled.  My right thumb is weakened, as if I had been gripping an item too tightly for too long.  None of those things, I assure, have occurred.  As is, my right hand is nearly useless.  Don't ask, I simply don't know.  Well, my useless and your useless are probably two different things.  Better if I suggest I can't use that hand up to my specs.  My guess is I still have more hand strength in that hand than most men will ever have.  I can't crush a coconut, but I can come about as close as one could realistically get to that.  My hand strength is great enough that I can hurt the bones, if I am not careful.  And my bones are as close to metal as bones get.  Annoying, it is.  And nothing accounts for it.  Clenching it while dreaming, while it is out in the cold?  I simply don't know.  I am going to begin massaging it, when I remember to do so.

Now, I do have moments where life is better.  But those moments are few and far between one and the next. 

Medicine is going down as required.  I am eating fairly regularly.  I am keeping up on the cave, mostly, and rather well actually.  I am going to start trying to play computer games.  I have no more interest in that than I do in anything else though.  Sleep?  That just happens when it happens.  I have found that it is better to yield to my body's demands than to push it, at this point.  If I don't, then either I crash so hard that I sleep way too long, or too short... or I end up not being able to sleep and drift into insomnia.  Two naps a day, on top of a full night of sleep.  I have been able to maintain a day schedule, but with as much sleeping as I am ending up doing, there isn't much "day" in my day.  Four to six hours napping plus six to ten hours a night in bed.

Something is just wrong.  I am going to try to take my stats and weigh in a bit more often.  Desert Cat has offered a suggestion for a targeted visit.  I will be doing correspondence and considering the offer.  Urhm... it's not humid down there, is it?  :p  A short, inexpensive, trip might help cure what ails me.  Who knows, I might even, finally, get to meet the Mrs.  Not sure she is up to it.  If I don't think it will be quite as awful as all that.  Mostly.  Depends on if I take a liking to her or not.  Then again, I enjoy women who hate me, as I may have mentioned. 

Oh, right, I keep bumping into why others think the way they do.  I forget, from time to time, just exactly how things work.  While I am ill, so things aren't exactly in order, I am an ENTJ personality type, drifting into ENTP, or another couple of types, due to my dysfunction.  For some, personality types are like horoscopes.  For others, like myself, they are absolutes.  I entertain a few other types because I can't be who I am.  How can I lead from a deathbed?  Actually, I still do, just... not in the same ways, necessarily.  And while I like systems, when the system has been used to destroy itself, I begin looking at other options.  I like to do a lot of work up front, so as to coast.  And, I can do that.  If the systems are in balance and right.  Not fair, but functional.  Right now, the American system is more dysfunctional than I am.  And it has been for decades.

Never mind.  The point is, I am not a feeling type.  Not only that, I don't care what you, or even I, feel.  There is a time for dealing with that, but it isn't all the time and it isn't at a time when things need to be, or in my case can be done.  Feelings are a luxury that I simply do not abide any more than I abide play or softness.  Even sex isn't a soft thing, for me.  It's about children.  The pleasure of it just balances the costs.  Yeah, I'm a bastard.  But I told you that.  And, yes, that plays quite well with women, even the ones who don't believe they have a "place".  I just put them there, debate it with her when she feels the need and if I have the time, and then put her back in her place when I have real things to do.  Even feminists have functioned quite well, better than they imagined, with a tank who knows and does around them.  I don't need to crush women, I simply function in such a way that they function as I wish, and as they should.  The payoff is worth it, even if I end up dumping her.  Well, so I have heard.

Anyway...  La... no...  Good night.  Again.