Addictions.

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It could be worse.  I could be able to feed them until even my luck ran out.  Still, I probably feed them well beyond most, certainly far beyond most of those who could be on the heart transplant list.

I suspect it started with adrenalin.  Wisdom seems to have tempered this, or at least geared me to aim the want at the right things, and hold my fire until it is time.

And, of course, there is pain.  If I was healthy enough I would spend more time breaking myself than most people spend grooming and preening themselves.  It's just the way it is.  I suppose it's my way of preening?

One might even say I am a

At least by intent of the rest of my will.  Though pain isn't so much the goal, mostly.  It's just something that must come along for the ride. Much as you can't drive fast without burning some gas.

Good, bad, good, bad, but I think the intent has been good.  I just got a little lost and things became a little fuzzy.  It's not an easy thing to know what God wants, more so when it hurts so much you aren't sure about Him at all.  But that's fixed now.  So...