It's not a worry.

.
.
Remember, I have been disabled for 27 years now.  The last five years have been the best.  And these last two or three better even then the last five.  This is the pinnacle of my depths.  I am eating, I am taking medications, I am taking care of myself generally, I am blogging daily, I don't just disappear down the memory hole.  For most of those years, suffering, pain, was perpetual.  It's just that, most of the time, my body shielded it.  That put me deeply in a mind fog.  As things stand, I can feel, probably, most of the pain.  It is mild enough.  Further, it isn't causing a fog.

Let me ask you this.  Does your employment beat you up some days?  Sometimes for periods of time, where you just... slog through, and that's it?  Well, being ill, at this point IS my profession.  Just think of it that way.  I don't seem to get to die.  So I have learned to do everything I can to do what I have to do... to enhance extra function, to biologically do better, to not suffer as greatly... and lately I have gone without suffering so often, that it seems strange and ominous when I do feel it!  That last, my friends, is a switch.  And a bit of a miracle.  Essentially, after receiving no right medical attention, there is enough left to medicate.  I may not improve hugely, or I may even more than I have.  But just being to this point, for me, is wonderful.

So, while I am fussing and complaining, it really has to be put into perspective.  And, remember, each time I died, and then was brought back... each time I went down a flooded river outside the raft, each time I came close to dying but didn't???  I was in worse shape than I am in now.  Better or worse?  *click*  Better or worse?  *click*  Better or worse?  Only, I don't get to choose so as to make it better, at least initially.  I have since learned how to find out what makes it better and strive for it.  At a turtle's pace, but with an intensity you cannot know if you haven't been a dying man searching for life.

Do no worry about me.  Even this suffering is as like to nirvana as lobster or shrimp or steak is to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as meal comparisons.   That I am a bit down, and feel a bit of pain, and know where it comes from is... good.  Becoming isolated through my body's pain medication, getting hammered from all sides, losing weeks, months, maybe years?  That, my friends, was harsh.  Heck, to make it to the appointment, I stayed awake 24 hours to push through.  Not sure I should have, I ended up, with the depth of my illness and exhaustion looking like heck.  I don't think my words were too blurred, but I stumbled to answer questions...  What round is it, doc?  :p

Now, I am sleeping often.  Up maybe three to six hours, then down for the same.  Though maybe the weather has something to do with it.  I think... think I say... that it snowed on the mountains to my east.  If so, that means weather is being a bit odd this year.  This is high summer.  I have never seen a snow up there since I have lived here.  Though, I'll admit, I was looking with tired eyes, at a time the sun made it difficult to be sure.  If the weather is being that weird, there is a good chance it is... disturbing my mellow.  Yes, I love the cold.  But when you stick from hot to cold to hot to cold etc, I get a little spun out.  No complaints, mind you.  I'd be toast either way.  I would prefer a weather spin-out to just cooking.  No complaints at all.

Well... there you go.  I am going to make a meal, then soak the 9-grain cereal for tomorrow (or... later today).  Do forgive.  As Doom, my world, day, life, is bound to be slightly different.  Odd how having a woman... normalizes.  Well, if she has a normal life.  She sort of replaces my internal clock, somehow.  After the meal, and prep for the later meal, I hope to fiddle in the kitchen, maybe boil eggs for the week, and set up my game console and bluray.  Perhaps gaming will bring me back.  If nothing else, it might help me stay awake longer.  We'll see if I can get to any of that, but it's the goal.  Later.