Still fiddling.

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I saw that I had an appointment today.  I held off changing it.  I was hoping to make it in spite of the situation I am in.  With good days, or parts of days, here and there, I have been limping by, sometimes doing a little or more.  It is really hit or miss though.  I realized I wasn't going to make it, so I rescheduled.  Which, really, is actually pretty good in itself.  Often, usually, in the past, when I have been this ill, remembering to change appointments has been impossible.  Even with electronic and mechanical calendar notifications, I simply couldn't put it all together.  I really have been doing pretty good with that.  I may have missed my last three appointments but I changed or delayed them ahead of time.  Not perfect, just far better than before, especially with me in this condition.  I am not even losing the day.  It seems like such a trivial task.  I wish you could feel how I feel for just a day.  You would probably be surprised I am alive.  If you didn't know the day was it, or more like a week?  You would do the same thing that I tried initially.  This hurts, in so many ways.  I'm just sort of used to it now.  I've learned to cope, sort of.  But you?  Yeah and no, you wouldn't be fighting with your docs to help you.  That took decades, plus finally the correct diagnosis and treatment, and even then it can be a bit weak.  You, like I was, would be nearly comatose, just hoping someone would notice a problem and figure it out.

I have come a long way, but my condition isn't that improved.  I have learned to use the scant resources available to me to roar across various lines and hail those who can help.  I seem to catch their ears.  Not always favored for it.  Cripples aren't supposed to get uppity.  And yet, with the right words and some truths, I seem to pull through.  I still think this is a plateau of sorts.  A reverse one.  When I drop, the drop is limited.  Might seem all the same to some, but it's not.  Remembering the day, appointments and to reschedule or cancel, heck, knowing my name in this sort of phase, at times, was literally beyond me.

I can only yell, though, then lay flat and let it all work out or not.  I can only try to get my days back in line, which it seems I am about to do.  Though if health doesn't stabilize, days will roll right back over.  I can only attempt to work, keep things in mind.  Sometimes just sitting in a chair for most of the day is it.  And yet I know there is more available.  A lot more.  Odd how women can stabilize by managing some of the things that vex men, especially ill men.

Well... on to bed.  Good night.